Hello, Wyatt. I have a few questions
before we complete your profile
Okay
Boxers or briefs?
Boxers?
Is your ass hairy?
Well, it's not
I don't shave my ass if that's what you mean
One last question
Would you rather bang a guy or get banged by a guy?
What? I'm not answering that!
So banged in the ass!
I must be hearing things
Yeah, the summer sun's gone
So what do I do?
Tryin' to move on, I found someone new
But it's not you, no, it's not you
And misery lives down Memory Lane
When I go down the road always feel the same
'Cause I miss you, yeah, I miss you
To be without you would be pain defined
And she might?
Still have the magic in her eyes
The magic
She might?
Still have the magic in her eyes
The magic
In her eyes
Sitting in the room under candlelight
Thinking you will never find your Mr. Right
But it's not true, no, it's not true
And you can be my princess, I'll be your knight
My armor might be dirty but my love still shines
Yes, it shines through, yeah, it still shines through
To be with you is happiness defined
And she might?
Still have the magic in her eyes
The magic
She might?
Still have the magic in her eyes.
Wipe it off. So dirty
Oh, so dirty. Wipe it
Oh oh. Slow down
Oh oh oh yeah
Oh, too much for me to handle I just...
Okay, oh yes. I'm open for a little negotiating.
Ready for this? This is what we've been training for, buddy
Ready? Here we go, buddy
You pack up that little thumbtack of yours
and haul it on out of here before I snap it off!
This whole miniature golf course is calling our names.
Let's finish off this hole so I can whup your ass!
Oh, you wanna bet?
Hey, it was my turn anyway! See, that's what you get.
I'm gonna bounce you out. Oh, look at me, I just gave it to you
I still give you the game, just like when you were little!
You need to find a nice girl Maybe that'll cook for you
and stop eating all that fast food, okay?
You know I go on a lot of nice dates,
but-- I don't know. We're having a party tonight
and maybe I'll meet the one
What do you want? You're almost 30 years old, Wyatt
You need to find yourself a girl There's a reason why
somebody's not married by the time they're 30 years old
- Yeah? Why's that? - Because they're fucking nuts!
You don't want to be 40 and fat and bald and not have somebody
I mean, hey, everybody wants to get some,
but, you know-- not everybody can be Van Halen, you know.
Huh? Van Halen?
Yeah, guys that get some
No, they're all rock stars and all bald by now, okay?
They're not getting any at all, so there.
They may be bald, but they've got bigger dicks than me.
Yes, I know. I've changed your diapers, okay?
- I know what it's like-- - Oh ho ho!
I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you're not blessed
- You are not gifted, okay? - Wow.
It's hard to believe that
- Hey. - Whassup, girl?
Are you the guy with the stuff?
Ha, no. I am not
There's a guy upstairs-- Asian guy
He's got the stuff you're probably looking for
Feel free to look around check it out.
- Cool, thanks - Do it.
Do it.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm
- Big time, man. - The party's a little out of control?
Dude, what are you worried about? Look at this.
They're chilling, they're all having a good time. It's a party.
- You know what a party is, right? - I do.
Don't worry about it. I got your house unlocked
We're good. We're good. I'll be back
That scares me the most
Hi, is this your house?
- Yeah. - You want to show me around?
- Uh... - Hey, Ange, leave him alone, okay?
You can't have every guy
We'll see about that
Okay, bye-bye.
Hey, Angie, go find Kevin
He's the, uh
dirty Asian guy
- Your friend is a lucky man - Really?
You gotta do this to me
After all is said and done
Can we go back to where we've begun?
- Hey! - Hey-yyy
Hi.
- Are you Kevin? - Well, if you're asking
for the double-wide over there then no, I'm Jason.
I'm the one who's asking
Well, then you found me
You're kinda cute.
Thanks. You know I exfoliate
and drink a lot of water-- what do you mean kinda?
How about you show me around your house?
And what about you?
Hmm, I'm sorry I have morals.
That's good, because I was just about to give up on your kind.
- Oh, off to the dark side, are we? - "Dark side."
Now that's funny
I always get the worm,
in more ways than one
I-- I--
Are you gonna offer me some of that drink?
Yeah, I'm-- shit, I'm sorry I'm not a very good host.
Yeah, it totally confused me, because normally gay guys are great hosts.
- Let's play a game - Okay okay.
First one to scream takes a bodyshot.
Uh, okay
- Here's one. - That was a--
okay, I guess it is my turn, huh?
Uh-huh. Suck it up, stud
- Can I have that-- - Yeah yeah.
What the fuck?
- How about another one? - I don't like this game.
- Go on! - Well, I guess it's not that bad
- The game is-- - Oh yeah.
Oh fuck!
What, you can't hold your liquor, you pussy?
What? I wish your face was your pussy.
Uh-huh
I want you inside me
I don't have a condom
- I don't care, go in me - Okay.
That's-- this-- oh
- That's the ticket. - Ow. Where are you?
You're not inside me
- What are you fucking? - Uh, it's these sheets.
They must be a nice 1,000-thread count
I mean, it felt good?
I'm taking over
Oh, okay
- Oh yeah? - Baby, I like it
Oh yeah? How about this?
Much better
- Is that? - Huh, how do you like that?
You little bitch!
You like that?
Dude--
- Dude? - What's up, fuckers?
Has this stoner been in here the entire time?
Hey, man, can I get in on some of this?
Dude, what the hell are you doing here?
My mom had blonde hair too, just like yours.
In fact my dad was Asian too, I think.
Are you a real blonde?
Get the hell out of here!
All right, all right, chill out
All right, so, uh
hey, forget it
Hey, I love you assholes. Remember that, all right?
You need a beat? Catch me in the hood
See me in the street, I got what you want
I got what you need, I'm in the black Lexus
Oh my God, get it off me!
Oh my God!
Dude, what the fuck do you have all over you?
- And what's that smell? - Dude, I was fucking that chick--
thank you, by the way She's awesome.
And we were going at it so good and I was fucking her reverse cowboy, right?
Like she was turned around her ass facing you.
Yeah, I know what the reverse cowboy is, Kevin!
All right, well, anyway, I must have been doing her so good?
Because all I remember is she was screaming
and I looked down
dude, it's everywhere!
- In my bed?! - And all over me. It's everywhere!
It's everywhere.
Oh, are you just gonna stay in bed all day?
Or are you gonna do something productive?
Gimme a break. I didn't get home from the bar until 4:00 in the morning
Yeah, I know
But I think that if you just wake up a little earlier,
- you might get more stuff done - Yeah, and do what?
Let's see, clean the pool, fix the barbecue!
I am having a bachelorette party here this weekend.
I'm up now. Are you happy?
Why do you always have to wait till the last minute
to do everything?
Okay, I'll do it now
But we have to have a little fun time first.
Yeah?
Come on, we haven't touched each other in a month.
So jack off! No one's stopping you
- No kiss bye? - Mm-hmm.
Love you
Thanks for coming
- You've always been there for me - Of course.
- You know you're my best friend - I know.
- You have it? - Oh yeah!
- Ta-da! - Nice box
She definitely would have found that
Yeah, that would have been funny
Wyatt, this is a huge step
It's big
Yeah, I know, but--
I mean, it sounds like you don't like the idea
No no, it's not that She's great.
Well then what?
I'm not going to be able to make it to dinner tonight?
Yes, you will. Just bring your dickhead boyfriend
- Hey! - All right, but seriously though.
I need you more than ever, so I really need you to be there
- More than ever, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay. - Did you hear that Kevin got caught
- spanking it, looking at those girls? - Ugh, yes, I did.
Kevin! He's such a perv
What an idiot!
You make me
Smile
You make me
Cry
I like
You
- You fool - Yay!
Thank you, Uncle Kenny
- Oh, you're welcome. - Thank you, Uncle Kenny
That was... quite entertaining
You know he
just came back from Palm Springs
from the gay and lesbian rally to be here at this dinner.
I wouldn't miss it for the world
You really mean the world to Katie and me.
Oh, Wyatt, that's sweet!
Don't forget to wipe from front to back when you pee
Shut up, Kev, before I wipe you from front to back.
As you all know, Katie and I have been dating for a while.
And although we've had our differences from time to time,
I think that
love brings us through.
When you find someone who can be your true friend
to love and cherish
how else can you go wrong?
It's like the cosmos
almost align and there's like a nuclear reaction.
I have something to say
Miss Katie Elizabeth Jones,
will you marry me?
Um
Wait, Wyatt. Can we talk?
Can't we talk about it right here,
in front of all of our family?
Okay
I just, um
I'm not-- I'm not ready for marriage
- Oh shit, I knew this was gonna happen - Why?
- Shut up, Kevin - I just--
I'm sorry. I can't do this
This is worse than the ending of "Beaches
Now that's fucking funny!
I'm gonna get a drink Who needs a refill?
You're a jerk, Paul. Maybe you should
just skip the refill and go home
I haven't laughed in years Are you kidding me?
This is funny
Katie, I don't understand
I can't marry you
I'm sorry.
Dunbrook and Balcrest,please.
Hey, check this out, the amazing girls of Brazil,
one of the erotic centers of the world.
We have traveled the globe
to bring you the real girls of the world.
- They're life-sized - Good dog.
You'll never leave me, will you, baby?
Engagement ring?
The exclusive celebration diamond..
Don't do it, you fucking idiot!
- Jared's most exclusive - Just break your heart
Come on, girl. Let's get out of here
Visit us downtown in the heart of Austin
Mopping around isn't gonna help anything,okay?
It's like-- it's like my dad always says
A setback is a set-up for a great comeback
It's good!
Yeah, it's good. It's really good, right?
You gotta get back on that horse, right?
And do some mounting of your own, man.
Stick it in some random chick's ass They love that shit.
If she's super freaky, dude,
she will lick that shit right off
But if she does, I'm telling you, do not
kiss her afterwards
Dude, what is with you and anal?
And do you really think your freaky sex bullshit is helping the situation?
- I think what he needs-- - Alone time
is what I need
No anal, no hot lunches in my mouth,
no nothing!
Got it? Got it?
- Yes, fine - Okay.
Whatever, dude. We just want to see you happy again, all right?
- That's it. - Really we miss you
- We miss the old Wyatt - The old me?
Yes! The one who's larger than life, man
Yeah. And, you know,
when the time's right, you'll meet the one.
My confidence is gone
Well, figure it out, man, because you look like a pile of shit
Okay, waffles for Miss Cutie Pie
Cherry pie and waffles for Mr. Sad Eyes.
Thank you
Scrambled eggs and sausage for Master Panda Bear.
Mm-hmm,you know!
Thank you
You're welcome, sugar
You sure look cute today
Oh, thanks. It's a new shirt.
Boy, oh boy, if I wasn't married, I'd take you home
and lick your bamboo stick till it fell off.
Whoa!
With the sweet potato pie in your ass...
eating good for a week
So, dude, you booked an Elvis commercial, man!
- Come on. - An enema commercial
with Elvis impersonator
Bam! And then it's gonna be a national commercial
and you will get paid like that chick. Right?
- Flo from the Progressive commercials - Right.
- I'm telling you, that girl makes bank - She's loaded.
Never have to worry about it again. Besides,
Elvis is always cool, right? Anytime,
anywhere, whomever, how he got it.
Okay, but once again Elvis impersonator,
okay? Enema commercial
equals ridiculous.
I think it's pretty cool I think you're gonna love it
Well, you know what? I gotta go.
No! Sit down
We're not done, okay?
What do you want from me?
We want you to get over it, okay?
We're sick of you playing the victim You need to move on.
- You know what they say? - Hmm?
When you love someone, let them go.
- And then if they come back - Then you know!
Then you know, you know?
You know what? If you guys believe that shit
- you're retarded - Come on.
We're just trying to cheer you up, okay?
I love you all See you later
Don't be a baby. You better kill that tomorrow
Say, chief, think I could get a Diet Coke?
Hey, look
if you don't mind me asking
you seem like you're a little down in the mouth
No.
- It's just, uh-- - What is it? Come on.
Come on, you can talk to me I got you covered, Sancho.
I don't know, man, this is weird.
You know what's weird?
A man who's got sadness in his heart
and ain't got no friends to cut the track with?
That's weird
Okay
My girlfriend left me when I proposed to her
In front of everyone.
I'm kneeling down with the ring in my hand
and she just leaves
That's a bitch, man
That's it? That's a bitch, man"?
That's all you've got to say?
Well, what you want me to say?
Hey, Dad, I got something for you?
- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm
Let's see it.
Oh, my name is Wyatt
And I'm a sissy simpering boy
My girlfriend left me
All those months ago
Ain't nothing to do about it?
Except cry like the rain
Don't want to talk to nobody
Cause I like the pai-iiin
Ahhh.
- That's all you got? - That was it, baby.
All right
I'm not Elvis, I'm a fraud and a loser
Who assumes the identity of an aging Vegas act?
Silly sassy boy who ain't good
At nothing at all
Who's been acting after all these years
And still hasn't done jack shit
Fat-ass Elvis, drugged up can't-take-a-shit Elvis
Wearing a jacket that his mama made him
My mama didn't make it it's an original
You little Mark Wahlberg wannabe
Ain't got no car, drive a Pinto to set
I drive a Cadillac, you little whiny brat
Who probably takes dick in the Walmart alley too--
What the hell's going on? We're trying to set up a shot here
- I need to replace you two? - Sorry.
- No, no sir. - All right, then shut the fuck up
I'm sorry, man
It's all right, man Me too. Me too.
I didn't mean that about your suit It looks real nice.
I appreciate that. I didn't mean nothing about the Walmart crack either.
So the director wants you two on set in an hour
So we're gonna be quick
Hey, Wyatt
I didn't know you got cast in this commercial
What's up, Angie? What are you doing here? Makeup, huh?
Well yeah, I've gotta get a couple extra bucks.
- I'm gonna hightail my ass to Vegas - Yeah?
For work or for pleasure?
Oh...
you don't know.
- Know what? - Katie moved back home
No, I didn't know that
How is she doing?
She's getting married
A week after she got back she met someone.
What happened to she wasn't ready"? I mean,
when's the wedding?
In 37 hours?
Hey, I've gotta take this.
But if you need to talk
I'll be back in a couple minutes, okay?
Oh my God!
Come here. I know how you feel
I really do
I just wanted to tell you, man,
yours truly
I've been kicked down a couple notches by love
Believe me, man, I've been kicked down
from Tupelo to Memphis
Well, great. That's you and your shit
and this is me and my shit
And just because you got shit doesn't mean my shit's better.
I still got shit!
Wyatt, listen
You know those rare times
when you find someone-- that special someone--
and that someone special finds you,
and you're both drawn to each other
and you get closer and closer and you're like--
- like a set of magnets? - Yeah, it's called attraction
Exactly, except?
This ain't the good kind
Huh-uh. It's the bad kind
It's the unsexy kind
- You know what I mean? - No.
Sometimes the ugly thing in you
is attracted to
the ugly thing in someone else.
It's like you got this little asshole living inside you
Mm-hmm, and-- and-- and that little asshole
is just yearning to get up out of you.
And she's got that little asshole inside of her.
And then these two assholes, they come together.
These two assholes come out and they shake hands, man.
They kind of give each other a little wink
- Winking assholes? - That's right.
Okay well, thanks for that That's great.
See, Wyatt
what you see in her
is the same thing that-- that-- that's busted
inside of you?
Okay? And if you truly--
if you truly love that little girl
you know what you're gonna do?
Mew“
You're gonna plug up them winking assholes
So you're saying I should go get her?
Now you're talking, Jackson
Let me tell you something
We get one go-around in this world, Wyatt.
- Okay? - Right.
If it was me, I'd want some goddamn answers
Right? As opposed to sitting around here bellyaching
like some little pansy-ass pussy
Yeah, so I'm gonna go to Vegas and win her back
Now you're talking, Daddy-o Now you're talking.
Hey, guys, so what's going on?
I'm gonna go plug some assholes!
Are you sure he said to bring something nice to wear?
- Like we're going to a wedding? - That's what he said.
The only girl he should marry is you
I've been telling him this
- ever since you grew boobies - Never gonna happen.
Well, if all you want is friendship
then I'm as straight as 6:00
Cheese and rice
- Tell me we're not hauling ass all the way to Vegas...
- No! - ...to watch him marry
this white-trash Barbie?
I mean ,I knew he was desperate, but this is ridiculous!
There's no way Wyatt's getting married
No no no no no
I'm not going. Wherever she's going, I'm not going
- if she's going - Relax.
- She's going and so are you - Don't touch my bag!
Do you remember our little fiasco?
What are you guys talking about?
No no, you don't need to know Nobody-
don't ask, don't tell
It's fine. I didn't feel anything anyways.
You can deal with each other for two days.
- Whatever - Fine.
- If you stay on your side of the RV - Done.
Guys, Katie's getting married in 27 hours,
and we have to stop it. So let's pull it together and get going, huh?
We're going a road trip, huh? What are we waiting for?
Let's load up Come on.
Okay, I guess
Love you
Oh Oh
Wow
- Dude-- yeah - Nice.
It totally reminds me of an '80s porno set.
You know, this couch is really comfortable.
You wouldn't think so, but it is.
Oh, we had some hot nights in this RV.
Friggin' bananas
No, I'm serious
Oooh
I mean-- I mean there was lots of bananas in here
and we weren't going to no gorilla farm,
if you know what I'm talking about.
Let's get this cock wagon rolling!
Hmm?
Uncle Kenny, when was the last time you drove this thing?
- It does run, right? - Don't be silly.
Of course. Let's see, it was Chicago,
the great Lesbian Luncheon of 2006.
- Five years ago? - Yeah.
But it is gonna start, right?
Don't be silly
Why, that's funny
My God! I'm going to miss the wedding
- I'm in the wedding. - You are not gonna miss the wedding!
It's probably the stupid battery or something.
We'll just open that little engine thingy
and jump it
What the fuck?
Oh, what the fuck was that?
Mama,
Oh my God, we're gonna get the rabies
Okay, ideas? Who's got one?
I vote we take a frigging plane
I'm trying to remember--
what year was it we gave the whores the vote?
- Oh, fuck you - Kevin.
- Not helping, dude - Rotten sack!
I know who to call
- Who? - It's this guy I used to date.
Skeeter
Hey, Skeet,
how are you, my little sugar lumpy?
Come here, you little son of a bitch.
Easy,hey!
Get-- you goddamn bitch Get in, come here.
Ow! Get it out!
Dear dear.
Get in there. Hey, there you go!
Get in there
Easy there, there you go That's it.
Whoo, how you like that?
Whoo!
Whew.
Well, you are up and running
- Whoa! - This little son of a bitch
just did not want to give up the fight
Usually I can get in there
and wear them down a little bit and then they just don't fight at all
Pfft! Not this one!
He even look like he done grown up into the engine.
He-- he looked like that scene from "The Fly
when he has that pod sticking out of the side of him like that.
He just looked like a fucking Brundlecoon,
all wrapped up in the hoses and wires and shit.
- I never seen it. - Thanks for coming over, Skeeto!
Well, you called me, I was like "Wha-aaaat?
I can't believe he called me
But I didn't know whether to shit or go blind,
so I just closed one eye and farted
So...
what say you and me put some pizza rolls on the heater?
And see if we can't find ourselves at the bottom of a bottle of moonshine?
- Sounds divine. - It's a date then!
Make sure you get your sweet ass
back home safe and sound from Las Vegas.
I just jumped me the RV. I'm figure on jumping on something else
All right then,
well, I gotta get going I know some Japs
who want to make a noodle salad
outta this here little troublemaker
- That is disgusting - All right then.
I'll see you later It's a date.
She says she's coming down tonight.
Needs a place to crash in town tonight
Wants to know exactly how I feel
I mumble underneath my breath...
This is so much fun! I love road trips.
Me too! Let's sing some show tunes, huh?
Yes yes, let's sing show tunes Show tunes show tunes!
Oh my God, I know one too!
It goes, Gay gay gay! gay! gay!
For fuck's sake, Kev. Don't be such a 'phobe, huh?
- Yeah, Kevin. - What? I just don't want
to hear fucking show tunes all night
So you think this is a mistake?
- Chasing her? - Yeah.
- I can't really say - Why not?
Well, Wyatt, I'm your friend I would even say
- you're my best friend - Yeah, I'd say that too
And we've been close for so long
but I can't tell you what to do here
I mean, I can't take that responsibility
I won't put that on myself if it goes the other way
- and I don't think you'd want me to - No, I...
you know, it's just-- I don't know.
I have so many questions. What is it about me that made her leave?
I mean, what if it's a sign?
What if she leaves again? I don't think I could bear that
Do you love her?
Yeah. I mean, I'm miserable without her
You invested a lot of yourself in her.
I mean, all this has to go right or it's just a big waste of time.
But do you think that equals love?
Or do you think that's just missing something, you know?
So you're saying this is a big waste of time?
Never said that, Wyatt. I just want you to be sure
I don't want you to get hurt again
Yeah, man, I think Ellen's right, you know?
I don't think anybody wants you to get hurt again
Right? Because when you are, you act like a fucking bitch
and I don't know how much more of it I can take.
Okay? So what we're gonna do-- this is the plan:
you're gonna go punch the groom in the dick,
take her back, quit being a douche, act normal,
and then you're gonna knock her up
and squeeze out a bunch of other little douches.
- Fucking A! - Right?
Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna ride in this box
with the frigging show-tunes twins here,
featuring Bob the Knob and Loosey Bowels,
and a cheap-ass episode of "Dr. Phil" going on back here
So what do you want?
- A fucking beer! - I can make that happen
- Holla! - That's nothing
Get it
Uncle Kenny, can we please get Kevin some beer?
Because he's gonna drive me crazy and this is gonna be
- a really long trip without it - Yeah, sure.
Excellent
Bath rooms?
Yeah, right over there to the left
- I gotta pay a visit. - Yes, thank you for sharing
What's it gonna be, my friends?
We will take three six-packs of Bud
and a Coke and a water for my gay little friend right here.
- You're a douche - Mm-hmm.
Coconut water, got electrolytes,
good for the kidneys
- Three six-pack of beer - Ohhh.
That was fast Ready to go.
The bathrooms in here are atrocious
There was something slippery on the handle
and I swear there was a glory hole in the wall
Gentlemen, 52.55
- Damn! - What?
- That's a little steep, isn't it? - Pesos or dollars?
Oh Shit!
- Oh shit what? - It's the sarge.
- Sarge like-- - The sarge is coming
- --like sergeant? - Sergeant of what?
Oh man. I'd throw my dick in cocaine to get--
- Shut the hell up. - Do you see-- I see that, come on
Marcus, I thought you were gonna close down for a while
We were, sheriff. I just had these last customers
- and I was-- - Lock the doors
- On it - Hey.
Oh, I love what you do with that chain.
Go eat a bowl of dicks, you douchewad.
Come on, that was awesome.
I don't know what this is all about,
but you can't just lock us in
Oh no? Just did, sweetcakes
What are you gonna do about it?
Well, what do you want me to do?
I'll bet you'd rather be at home with a cup of warm cocoa?
Curled up in a Winnie the Pooh snuggie,
reading Oprah's book of the week
Well, that ain't gonna happen
You see, we are hunters
and we are here on a mission
It's supposed to be a secret mission,
but now you faggots are in my mission.
Excuse me?
Well, two regular people and one faggot.
- That's you. - Listen, we just want beer
That's all
We all want something, son
Have you ever seen a man
with a dragon tattoo on his dick?
Well, I have!
My daddy
He used to ride bicycles naked when he was drunk and on leave
He'd ride endless circles singing a song
about a man with a dragon in his lap
What's this all about?
Have you ever heard of a strigoi?
Half zombie, half vampire
one quarter werewolf?
One and a quarter's not even possible.
not possible?
Then what do you call the devil beast
we have locked up in the back there right now?
- What was that awful sound? - Holy was that?
Settle down
And we mean to take him out right now.
And I don't mean for dinner
Then we will come back and deal with you.
You all have to be inspected
and cleansed.
Is that like a sponge bath?
'Cause if so, I'd really like for her--
Shut the hell up
This cleansing could kill you.
But it is the only way
Winter, to the back
You've gotta get us out of here, man
I can't-- the sarge
I'm getting the gist here pretty good
Please open the door,
and we'll be outta here like the fucking wind.
What the high holy was that?
Dude, if you don't let us out of here
right now, I'm going to penetrate your colon so deep
that your shit is gonna have my Nike marks on it
This is insane. There is no such thing
as a strigoi. Am I on "Fear Tactics" right now?
Marcus?
My ex-fiancée is getting married in
17-
...17 hours.
Marrying another guy?
Yeah, hence the "ex" part
I gotta stop her
Do you love her?
Of course I do
I was almost married once.
Then you know exactly how I feel
Yeah. She broke my heart
Katie broke mine, but you see I have a chance to change that.
But you gotta let me out of here to do that
Do you think so?
I can do this for the both of us, Marcus.
Oh, to hell with it
Love needs to win sometimes
- Yeah! - Yes.
Come on, you all get out of here Let's get out of here quick.
- What are you doing? - Beer-- we need it.
Come on, let's get outta here
Let's get the hell outta here.
What the hell?
Oh-hhhh Shit!
Let's get outta here!
Now that was purely awesome
Jesus, Becky, nice right hook
You almost broke my jaw
Did you have to rip my top open, huh, Alan?
- Fucking asshole. - I was giving them a show
What's the harm? Besides, you have great tits
All I'm saying is, like,
what if it's real-- the strigoi?
And there are more of them out there?
It's ridiculous! The world's not coming to an end by strigoi
There are a lot of things, actually, that happen
that no one has an explanation for
Someone should have been called is all I'm saying.
Like who? The cops?
I need my bag
Kev, would you grab it for me?
- It's an emergency - Fine.
- Which one is it? - The pink one.
Obviously
- Uh, you want me to grab something? - Xanax pronto.
Oka-aaay!
Fucking bong rip, how about one of those, please?
Whoa, what the fuck is this?
- What the fuck is that? - Oh my God!
- Get it out of here! - Hey hey hey.
Calm down, everybody, please
- Let me explain - Lookit,
it has pubic hair on it
Oh my God!
Kevin, get that out of here!
- No telling where that's been - I teach classes
on how to give the perfect
- B.J.
The course is called "Slob on the knob
and give a good job
What? What don't you just use a banana or something?
It's the visual effect
They learn better if it seems real
Well, why the fuck would you even need it on this trip anyway?
Well, you never know who's going to need
a Mr. Tugglesworth of their own?
And practice makes perfect
Hey, look at these two. Probably running from the strigoi
Look like a couple of hippies
- Dude, pull over - No, Kevin!
- No hitchhikers! - We can't leave them out there
I mean they have weed I know it. I'm positive.
And-- and-- and if anything happens,
I take full responsibility. I will take your blowjob class
I-- I will do the bob-my-knob thing Come on!
Come on, I'll blow Mr. Tugglesworth!
Now that I gotta see
You take full responsibility?
- Oh yeah - Whoo!
Thank you for extracting us
from that derelict and
- arenaceous desert floor - Yes yes yes.
Ahh, and this is my love partner
and traveling companion..
Destiny
- Dest-- Destiny - Destiny.
Bless your souls for your kindness
They seem nice
- I don't know about that - Yeah right, Kevin.
You guys got any weed?
- Oh, we don't have any weed - No weed.
- Hello, Mr. Tugglesworth.
This is gonna be good
Sure you guys don't have any weed at all?
- No... - destructive
vegetation
- Awww. - ...In our possessions.
Damn it!
But we do have
the dried gift of the mother
Oh snap!
Join us for a blessing?
Hell yeah
The Earth turns
all on a ship of souls?
Come with me. And she rewards us with life
We suck
from the dusky teat
Birth, life,
death
We suck the life of the mother
and taste birth
- Destiny, anoint him - Yes, anoint me!
- I'm so ready. - Show him your dark cycle
Baby, there's no rides out here
Cycle of life, asshole
Come on, Wyatt, let's go
Take this with you
- So lame, so lame! - We're cleansing ourselves of you
Wyatt, don't be so mean
That dumb bitch on the skateboard
She can't even catch up
Cool ritual, bitch
Naw, man, I don't think it's a sign
It was a total fluke. You're not a shit magnet
- I'm sorry. - It was a really nice ceremony
I mean she really honored you
- Awww. - Okay okay. Leave him alone
Oh dude.
I'm on fucking fire, man
Yeah, what the fuck are you doing here?
Dude?
- What? - Dude!
What?
Dude!
What-- what?
What?
- Dude? - What?
What?
Again, what are you doing here on the RV?
What do you mean what am I doing here? What are you doing here?
What are you, just some kind of fucking ninja Batman or something?
Fucking ladies wrestling league here or something, man?
Dude, what are you doing here?
I think you dented my fucking beard, man!
What are you doing here?
You mean prior to being accosted
and having my fucking joint stabbed out on me?
I was using the fucking facilities, man.
You know, the fucking head here?
Dude! Oh, dude
Dude, you're not supposed-- you crapped in the RV?
You're not-- no one craps in the RV, dude!
Hey, man, well, it sure the shit
ain't a fucking reading chair, now is it there, Komatsu.
Not fucking comfortable enough
- Hey, man. - No no, I don't like it here.
Dude, how did you--
Dude felt the pressure
Release was the option I had, man
I came here for some quiet time, you know?
Meditate on my colon, you know? Maybe fucking blow a jay.
Next thing I know, this motherfucker's moving, man
But I got-- oh shit
I gotta tell you though
as far as RV shitters go,
This has got some fucking space, man
I fucking like this guy You know.
I could spend some fucking time in here.
It's got some nice wallpaper and shit, man
Dude, listen, we can't--
If they find out you're on here
they're gonna flip, okay? So just lay low and just chill, man
And we'll figure out a way to get you off.
You know what? I think you're the one who needs to fucking drop a deuce.
Okay
Look at you, all fucking backed up
Fucking ninja back up
I think you need to ninja that shit right out of there, man
Okay, just chill and be quiet
Why don't you keep it on the DL and have a hit?
Shut up
Oh well
I guess I'll have a drink
I'll drink to that!
Wow, I'm so stoned
Hmm
That really took it out of me.
Yeah, her too?
You lucky guy
Wyatt, what's wrong?
I don't know
Something doesn't feel right
I think we need to turn around
No, you were just having a bad dream, that's all.
We're not turning around. You love her, end of story
Okay? Get some rest
All right
A sunny afternoon
I've been up for hours and I don't know what to do today
Tomorrow forever
You all right, Uncle Kenny? You need me to drive?
Oh, I'll be fine. I'm fine
Nobody drives Ernest but me
I'll be fine
All right then. Let me know if you need something
I will, thanks
I want to leave this place and start again
I don't want to go back where I began
I want to find somewhere I belong
I don't want to make this last word
Without a song
I should clean this place up
Grab a shower and shave and go outside...
As long as I am by it
The phone never rings
I don't know what I'm doing
But I'm making new friends
I know that this ain't working?
Hey, what do you think about that waitress over at Nick's diner?
She sure was something.
Those were some monstrous jugs, weren't they?
Oh yeah, I gave them titties a pearl necklace last weekend
Whoo-wee! Boy, you give a girl a piece of jewelry
she might let you slip it in her.
No, you dumbass
I didn't buy her nothing I shot it on her neck.
- You shot what on her neck? - My fucking spunk!
My essence. My goddamn man-chowder
Oh, she let you do that?
Hell yeah, she let me do that!
She was like, "Oh, Daddy
goo me up, Daddy! Goo me up!"
Then she held her big old jugs up like that
and I sprayed 'em like Engine 59
I even got a little on her lip too
You oughta try that one
Shit. Donna would never let me goo up that waitress.
She'd kill me! Huh-uh, huh-uh
Are you inbred or something?
Donna! Give Donna the goo
This ain't useful
How on earth did they ever let you have a gun?
- Son of a bitch. - What the hell was that?
Damned RV hit our car, man
Hey,boy. You want to step out of that vehicle
and keep your hands where I can see 'em, please
Yes sir, officer
Over there, miss. This way
shaman
You too. Come on, Pops, come on
Are we still in Texas?
Have you been drinking, son?
No, officer. I must have fallen asleep at the wheel
We'll just see about that What about drugs?
- You been doing them drugs, boy? - No.
Nothing.
Okay, why don't you just keep your lips sealed
and give me your license and registration?
We'll see if you have any warrants coming back
You better hope and pray you don't come back with any warrants
No, officer, I don't have any warrants
Uncle Kenny, you hit their patrol car?
I changed the music to a country station,
- all of a sudden, kaboom! - Country's like the worst choice!
You should have picked something like, more upbeat.
- Like Green Bay? - Green Bay?
- Green Day. - Green Day, yes yes!
- Green Day would work - Oh yeah yeah!
What if he picked that--
what is that album called again?
"Pukie"? Wouldn't that be great, Kev?
All I know is I'm driving the rest of the way.
Like hell you are. Nobody drives Ernest but me
- I'm fine. - Ernest?
Okay, shut it, shut it!
Just shut it already! Do you realize how much trouble
- you guys are all in? - Whatever.
Listen to me, people around these parts don't take too kindly to your kind.
I might end up throwing you in jail
You ever been to a gang bang? Huh?
You know what it's like to be gang-raped? Sweet thing?
Bending down, picking up the soap? You're gonna find out the hard way.
- That's not so bad. - He's clear, partner
- Clear. - You know what? Check the RV
Step aside, sir. Aside!
- Sorry - Here.
Thank-- thank you, officer
My God. Nothing!
Except this. What do you make of this, partner?
Goddamn sickos
Right? You know what?
I want to give one of them girls a cavity search!
But you wouldn't know what to do with one of those girls
if they was sitting on your face
- Maybe a pearl necklace - Take this!
- All right, who's first?! - One Lincoln seven.
Stay right here
One Lincoln seven. Go ahead
415, customer at a minimart
stating a half-man, half-zombie being chased
by a shirtless female officer
Sumbitch zombie man-beast
chasing folks over at the minimart!
Hey, Jess, let's go!
What about a citation?
Forget about the citation.
I had a pearl necklace for you, honey
Old truckers never die
I'll tell you, girl, I wouldn't lie
What can I do do do?
- Let's get outta here! - Let's go!
- Right?
Shit. Hey, Ellen, can you-- can--
my leg's falling asleep
Hey,Ellen, my leg's falling asleep
Can you move a little bit?
No, seriously, I can't feel my leg
Oh Shit!
Dude, what are you doing?
Nothing. I'm-- I'm-- I'm fine
I just dropped something Go back to sleep.
It's too late for that. What the fuck are we listening to?
I'm just trying to stay awake, man
- Change it if you want. - Yeah, I'll find something
- No, wait! - Oh shit!
Nice boner, dude! Does Ellen know you're skull-fucking her?
- What's going on, huh? - Dude, Ellen is sleeping on Wyatt's lap
and he's got a huge boner Classic.
Interesting
It's not funny
- It doesn't mean anything. - Oh, I beg to differ, my dear
It's not even a boner! It's just a bulge in my pants
Naw naw, that's bullshit, man
- That is fully a boner - Shut up! Ellen.
Oh, you-- fuck, man!
Yeah, motherfucker!
Oh, I'm going to punch you in the dick later.
- Number one or number two? - Oh, come on!
No no, first rule of the RV
is no one dumps in the RV unless they want to empty the RV
- Shit! - Not here, grasshopper
Ha ha! Frickin' bridge troll
Number one or number two
Cannot cross my bridge if it's number two."
Hey hey, you gotta pull over, dude I gotta go.
We don't have time to stop. Use the bathroom back there
- I can't, it's number two. - Contract your sphincter
Come on, man, I gotta go. I'm about to crap my pants
Hey, maybe it's time to pay Angie back?
- Piss off, Wyatt! - Wyatt, if Kevin shits the rug
you're cleaning it
- Come on, man - I will, I will!
I'm just messing with him
I don't know, Kev. This is an Indian reservation
in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a good feeling about this
What the fuck are you doing on an Indian reservation?
The road goes right through it
Um, well, fuck it. I can't hold it, man
So just pull over and I'll say an apology
and a prayer to the great buffalo then for making doodie on his land
Oh yes, the big one! The big one!
Oh, you-- God
- Oh! - Use another stall, buddy
I'm taking a shit!
Oh fuck!
Oh, you've gotta-
Oh, God damn it
It's just you and me, old buddy
I need half of you for later
Half of you for now
Okay
No time. No.
Ohhhh um,
How long are you gonna be?
I just sat down, man I might be awhile.
You're disabled? -No-oooo.
How long are you gonna be?
I'm disabled right now, man
Get the fuck outta here. Whew
I'm not leaving until you open this door
- Why? - You gonna be awhile?
Are you fucking kidding me? What's wrong with you, man?
- Use another stall. - I'm crippled, you dumbass
Game
You wanna use your dick for a birthday candle?
You'd better open this door
I can't, man, you're gonna have to wait
- I'm mid-squeeze right now, nubs - Come on!
I'm not leaving until you open this door
What, did you get fucking hit in the head or something, man?
Use a different stall, you weirdo!
- What? - I said you're gonna have to wait
Figure something out, Wheelie Jim!
What the fuck?
Uncle Kenny, why are you sitting?
He's not in there. What's going on?
It seems he has offended some
big-shot tribal leader or something.
Yeah, he offends everyone
Where is he, in the office?
It's not gonna be that easy
What the hell is going on here?
Your friend has offended an elder
and therefore he must be punished
Well, you bring him down right now or we are calling the cops
Go ahead. They have no jurisdiction here
No, wait, is there
some kind of offering that we can make?
Here, it's all I have Please just take it.
And here, I got a couple too.
Your white-man money is no good here.
- But you just took it - Huh?
I am unburdening you.
The less you have, the better you are.
No, you listen to me! I don't have time to--
Okay okay! This isn't gonna resolve anything
ls there anything that we can do to bring our friend back?
I will call the council and I will relay to them your request
Okay, fine
When do we start?
- I need to borrow a phone - Oh Jeez.
- What? - diot.
Really?
Yes, I'm here with the guys
And put $5 on Duckling Okay.
- Are you kidding me? - Ha ha!
Hey!
You'll get your phone back with your friend.
The council says you may do the ritual of the great Tatonka.
And that should take care of everything
Okay fine. When do we start?
End of the road at sundown
And how long is this gonna take-- about?
The ritual of the Tatonka can take five days.
We don't have five days
Well, screw this! Let's just pick him up
- on the way back - No no no.
- We're taking him right now - Well, fine then!
Really? Is it really gonna take five days?
I've seen it done in less time
ls there any way it could be done in, like--
this ritual-- in like an hour?
- It's never been attempted - No?
I have seen it done in--
in less time
It would require all of you working as one,
and maybe-- just maybe you will please the great spirit.
Okay, that's promising
- Yeah. - Know this
if the spirit is not satisfied you are not protected
and the ritual may kill all of you?
What?!
End of the road
You should start driving
Let's go, come on!
Do you think we're gonna make it in time?
Yeah
- I hope you're right. - I am right. I'm always right
- Yeah yeah. - You know that.
And if not?
Is this the place? We're in the middle of BFE
What's BFE again?
Hmm, so that's what a tepee looks like.
Guys, this looks really creepy
Where are we?
- I have no idea - Oh my God!
- That looks like a-- - Where the hell is this place, huh?
This must be it
I don't like this
Me neither
Let's just do what we need to do and get the hell outta here.
You four have come for your friend
who has greatly offended an elder?
- And so the tribe - Yes, we have.
And you intend to take the ceremony of the Tatonka?
- Yeah. - Yes, we do
- Can we see our friend? - No.
Follow
Oh sweet baby Jesus!
I love wheelchair people
- Kevin. - Oh my God
- That looks like it hurts - Merry Christmas.
Man, you know, like when I was a little kid
I used to play cowboys and Indians,
I was always an Indian
- What have you done with him? - You can see him.
There he is. He's up on the giant thing and he is fine
He is in the spirit world
Hey,Ellen,
you know you and Wyatt should bang
and make uptight Caucasian babies
Just thought I should tell you that I saw it in a vision.
No big deal
He is so fucked
It seems like a bad night I had in Ibiza.
He committed the disrespect in the bathroom.
So the journey for your friend
is a muddy disgrace as the elder felt.
Everybody should get stoned
And they should throw rocks at me, man,
in the mud while I'm wearing this--
Now are you ready to begin your journey?
Pray the great spirit smiles upon you.
Sound prehistoric
Will there be hors d'oeuvres there?
Maybe some mystery fingers?
Do you think I could get clubbed by a warrior?
Uncle Kenny!
Follow
- I don't like this - Me neither.
Hey, man, can I have some more of that soup?
So begins the ceremony of the Tatonka.
Like my ancestors before me who have shown me
the gift of the Tatonka,
and those who didn't show me shit
cause they were kinda dicks,
I begin this offering
Oh great spirit,
guide us in this journey
Yes.
Drink
What's in this?
Cause I don't do dark liquor
It's roofies, dear. You've done it before
Drink
Um.
Drink
Blech.
Drink
Can I get a straw and maybe a twist of lemon?
- Huh? - Drink.
Okay okay
Good. Good good
Now the great spirit will show you the way.
How come you're not drinking?
Not my journey.
I'm glad you think it's funny.
Last time I felt like this, it was at the
and when I woke up I was covered in ham
Drink
Do you want to scalp me, man? Go ahead!
All these people out there, they're all scalping me.
This girl in Vegas, she's scalping me
Scalping me in the ass!
Thank you. That helps
See your destiny?
I see myself
Pigtails, cute little gingham skirt
lollipops.
Teasing all the football players from the sideline,
showing my little b-bubble ass
and then the whole entire team will jerk jizz all over their cleats
right there on the 50-yard line
I am a dynamo!
Drink
Mmm, I'm in a white forest
But I'm hanging from a tree,
upside down like a bat, like a big black bat.
And my tongue is licking
the snow again
and again!
What does it mean?
It means you're insane
I thought it was cool
Drink
Man, you guys got the raw end of the deal, man
Yes, we know
White people are dicks!
And I can say that because I'm white.
Drink
Oh man
I don't even care if we get there right now
I just wanna
stay here
with the twigs and the spit
Ellen, what's your vision?
Oh no no, I'm not-- not telling
What?
Don't tell.
- No. - Come on
This is just for me. I wanna go see the fire
- Come on, come on, come on! - Okay.
Come on, give me your hand
Wyatt!
We're leaving now
Wyatt!
We're leaving
Where are you?
Are we dead?
I wish we were
We have to get to Vegas! Oh my God,
- we have to get to the wedding - Where's the RV?
- What about Kevin and the others? - Fuck!
We have to get to fucking Vegas!
The wedding-- fuck
We're gonna miss everything
- Well, you're not helping. - Try dancing or something?
Really? Come on, who doesn't
pick up a chick in a leather two-piece?
I thought you were gonna show me how to get it done?
Well, why don't you go and bury yourself in the sand?
Well, here comes somebody now
You wanna actually get in that car?
Why don't you go check for me?
Oh man, we really need a ride
Uh, where are you guys going?
Uh, we're trying to get to Vegas. Vegas
We're going to Buffalo Bill's You guys can hop in.
- Yeah. - You gotta bring that little--
that little Shirley Temple- looking thing with you.
Oh yeah, totally. You can-- whatever you want. You can have her
- Yeah. - Get in
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- All righty, partay - Whew.
Thank you
...on Friday, August 12th at 2:00 p.m
All you gotta do is call the studio between the hours
of 8:00 and 10:00 p.m Pacific Standard Time.
I'm not sure we should have left the others.
Oh, don't worry We'll be fine.
What's the worst that could happen, right?
A lot of discussion on the table
about what they're gonna do to expand the runway.
Let me tell you-- last week, we had--
Y'all must be getting hot and sweaty with all that leather down there.
You guys want some beer? We got a bunch of that shit right here
- Oh, boo boo. - Thank you. I am so thirsty right now
- Yoo! Thank you - No problem.
But they're kinda hot, though, man
Whoo, hot damn!
- Yeah! - Oh yeah
This is a song we made so much sweet love to,
you can't even imagine it
- Ugh. - Had plenty of practice with this boy
Hey now
- Oh, y'all want a joint? - Puff puff pass.
- No, I'm good - No thanks.
I-- I had quite a night last night
More for us to smoke and to drive
What are y'all supposed to be, anyways? Sonny and Cher?
- Who are they? - Are you kidding with me?
Who is Sonny and Cher? I should come back there and kick your fucking ass.
Smoking and driving is funning.
Yeah, you sure that's the best idea?
- You want me to drive your car, man? - Hey, I pride myself?
On how we done got it ourselves This guy
at a gas station-- he left it.
And the next thing you know, me and the lady here
hopped right in, boom! Outta there.
You stole this car or it's your car?
I didn't steal shit, man
I didn't steal a damn thing
I settled into these nice leather seats.
- Yeah, these things got seat warmers - Yeah.
This thing has the coolest
Star-Trekking motherfucking gadget
button-pushing thing in front here.
You press a button, it talks. It says a bunch of shit to you
I call him Carl I say to Carl--
I say, "Carl, where are we going?
And he starts yippering and yappering. Like watch
Carl, how far to Buffalo Bill's?
100 miles
Isn't that cool?
Man, I'm gonna get arrested before I even get to Vegas.
You ain't gonna get arrested
You ain't gonna get arrested for anything
And now we've got that full back seat back there
- That's right, we do. - You have any other shit in the trunk
besides your bags?
There might be a goat in the trunk
A-- a goat? A live goat?
Well, it may not be alive any more
But it was alive when
we put it in the trunk
Yahoo!
All right, all right, hey!
Sonny and Cher!
Yoo-hoo
Sackajaweenis and Pocahotness, hey
Y'all wake up
Are we at Buffalo Bill's?
Yeah
We-- fuck, we have to get a cab
Oh no, we brought you all the way here.
Yeah, the missus here wanted to see Paris
and there ain't any way we're actually gonna do that,
so this is as good as it gets
Oh man!
Are you kidding me? That's awesome!
- Thanks so much, man - Hell yeah!
Oh fuck
Oh yeah, there was-- sorry
We hit a lot of bumps on the way here.
Your titty must have just popped right out
- Really?! - Yeah, really
Totally totally
Hey, you guys have a nice wedding, all right?
Yep, thanks, man
- Thanks a lot - No problem.
Okay, you gotta get in the shower because we're gonna be late.
But I still need to go get a suit though.
No you don't.
When did you guys get here?
Oh no, not-- not-- like how long-- like an hour!
Where the hell have you been, huh?
Hey, I finally made it
Yeah, long story, but I look great
How's it going over there?
Oh good! All right, good luck. See you soon!
Gotta go to the wedding!
Toodle-loo, lady!
See you there
Good luck, Wyatt!
Buh--bye!
Bye
- You're not coming down to the bar? - No.
I need to talk to Wyatt
That's my girl!
I'm so hot in this suit
Too hot!
Too hot-- why am I so hot
- in this suit? Sexy. - Hey, get out of here
You heard the lady
Come on, move it, huh?
You see this, right? I'm not the only one
- Oh, good-looking dude. - Oh, get out of here with that
Hey, no hooking up in the shower, all right?
Where is everybody?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Wait a minute-- wait wait, I can't do that
Um...
I'm about to go break up a wedding and I can't do that
I've loved you practically all my life
and I can't live a lie anymore
What do you expect me to say to that?
Just say how you feel
At least then I'll know the truth
I do, I love you so much
but I love you as a friend, you know?
That's not enough?
It was a great trip and a fun ride over the years
Take care of yourself, okay?
Wait
I need you now more than ever
I've heard that before
I just-- I wish you meant it
You pull me in, I pull away
And you ask why I don't stay longer.
Hey, what can I get you, buddy?
- A shot of Jack - You got it.
What took you so damn long?
- She's gone - Who?
Ellen.
She told me she loved me
and I rejected her
Idiot. You two are meant for each other
Why didn't you tell me this before?
I could have used this information, you know?
Would you have listened? We drove all the way out here
hoping that this whole thing would come to a head finally
- No pun intended - All I know
is I came out here to break up a wedding
and that's exactly what I intend to do
You're sure that's what you want to do?
Yes.
Then break a leg
Yes.
You're saying words I want to hear...
Y'all may be seated
First off,
I'd like to say congratulations
to Billy and Katie
This guy must have a huge cock
because he's as ugly as sin
I'd like to say thank you
to the parents, family members and friends
for being here today
We've all come together
for one common thing"
the love these two individuals
have for one another.
It's been called life's greatest adventure?
Marriage.
What is marriage
might you ask
It has but one meaning
To share the rest of your lives together
At one time
you were given life individually
Now...
together
as one
Before we embark on this miracle
I must ask
if there's anyone here who objects to this marriage?
What's he waiting for?
Together!
Uh-Oh
Look who's here.
Let us call now on Psalm number three--
I object
- You've gotta be kidding me - No way.
Wyatt! What are you doing here?
I never thought I'd see you again
Thattaboy
Young man, is there something you wanted to say?
Katie, when you find someone special
that loves you for who you are,
someone who can get behind you when things get a little confusing,
you know, like they've been lately a friend--
Wyatt, I haven't stopped thinking about you since I left
I knew that I made a mistake and...
I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I thought I'd know what to say in this moment,
I mean, I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few days
and... I don't know,
I guess something feels different
I mean, here I am down here
and you're up there
and I wanted so badly to be--
up there. And that's why I came
To stop this and to show you that we're meant to be together.
Oh, Wyatt, I--
I love you
I can't believe you came for me
But when I started practicing and saying all the things I was going to say,
I realized it doesn't fit
- But-- - The person in my head
wasn't you at all
She just ran out the door
I'm sorry.
This was wrong.
I'm sorry.
- What? - Wyatt, you fucking asshole!
How could you do this to her?
How could you do this to me?
Ellen!
C'mere.
I stood up at the wedding and I couldn't do it.
- All I could think about was you - So you ruined her wedding?
Well, it was worth it, I think
- You think? - Well, it depends on how you respond
- How should I respond? - Um...
"I love you" would do the trick
I just-- I don't throw that word around loosely
Not the reaction you were hoping for?
- Not exactly - Well,
maybe if you say it to me, I might say it back.
I love you so much
I love you too
Oh, Wyatt, ahem
- Hi. - Hey
Hey,guys,hi
Yeah, so, um, congratulations.
- Thank you. - 'Cause yeah, no hard feelings, 'kay?
- Yes. - That's really relieving
Because I was kinda feeling like a real horse's dick.
Mm-hmm,yeah?
- Ah, Jeez, ow. - You come here
after I haven't seen you in fucking forever,
and pull that shit?
In front of my family and my new husband?!
- Stop, ow! - Then you ruin my fucking wedding!
I hate you!
- Oh, my nose is broken - Are you okay?
Oh man
Oh my God
I am so glad I did not marry her
Yeah
Oh man, and I'm glad you're here.
Can we please go get a drink right now?
Yes, baby, we can
- Let's go. - You called me baby
Hear the words I want to say
Dying to communicate
Stuck inside this breakdown
I want to say it, but can't get it out
Good morning, campers!
Come on!
It's time to roll your rucksacks
and stow your tent poles Get up, get up!
Get up!
Huh? We have a long way back home
You won some money last night Do you remember?
No. How much?
5,000. And...
we just have enough left for a lovely candlelight dinner
Just enough? Did I gamble it all away?
No no, come on
Wyatt?!
- What? - What the hell is this?
Oh my God, it's gorgeous
Like I said, just enough left
Huh?
- I'm glad you like it. - I love double weddings
Oh God, no no no!
Of all the stinky tuna fish in the world, it had to be you!
Oh God, what did I do to deserve this?
- Karma's a bitch! - I'm gonna be sick
So sick
If this is not some hillbilly shit I do not know what is.
Well, come on, come on, let's go
We have a long way back home
Come on, get up
Okay.
I have the wedding pictures
And they're driving home with me.
- There are pictures?! - Yeah.
- Pictures? - Uh-huh. Goodbye.
- Bye. - Let's go!
Once a long long time ago in history
Was born a man unlike any other I'd seen
Kicked out of school for wearing jeans by age 13
Gang-bangs and naked boys are his two favorite things
- Whoa - He wants to be
- Yeah - Your fantasy
He's not looking for trouble, but he might blow your brother
- Whoa - He's living the dream
- Yeah - So obscene
Look out, boys, he's the queen of the road
There on his nightstand lies a dirty magazine
Panties on the floor and cum stains on the sheets
A force of nature that can never be contained, no
His loins will burn a hole straight into your brain
- Whoa - He wants to be
- Yeah - Your fantasy
He's not looking for trouble but he might blow your brother
- Whoa - He's living the dream
- Yeah - So obscene
Look out, boys, he's the queen of the road
Oooh
That's right
Come on, you're not a little curious?
- Mmm, it feels so good - Whoa
Yeah
- Whoa - He's the queen of the road
Yeah
- Whoa - He wants to be
- Yeah - Your fantasy
He's not looking for trouble but he might blow your brother
- Whoa - He's living the dream
- Yeah - So obscene
Look out, boys, he's the queen of the road