'At least I don't think they are.
'But it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids, who I'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
'Fiona, who's a big help, a massive help.
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others, cos she's disappeared,
'and good luck to her.
'And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons -
'one, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah, two, nits love him.
'Debbie. Sent by God. Total angel.
'You have to check your change but she'll always do you a favour.
'Plus Liam! Little rock'n'roller!
'Gonna be a star... once we've got the fits under control.
'Three things, see, are vital to a half-decent community.
'Space. You need wide-open spaces where everyone goes mental.
'And neighbourliness. Fantastic neighbours.
(Fireworks whizz)
'Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party.'
(Sirens)
Hiya. I said I'd help your Karen with her homework.
OK. Take your shoes off.
- Fair enough. - I'll get you a carrier bag.
She's got this thing about people bringing soil into the house.
- Right. - She's not as mad as she seems.
- Agoraphobia. - Oh, right.
- So how come you know all this? - It's just something I do.
- What, like a hobby? - No.
- The plans. - What, physics?
All sorts. Look. I've got a great 'un for Newton's First. Watch.
Every body continues in a state of rest or uniform motion
unless acted upon by an external...
- (Zip unzips) ...force.
- Karen! - Hello.
Don't do... Look, Karen!
To be honest, I could do with the money.
- What money? - I charge for homework.
I'm skint.
OK.
(Whispers) Fuck!
- Have you got any deodorant? - Erm...
I'm using lan's.
If I stick this lot in the washer before I go out, will you keep an eye on it?
- Do it tomorrow. - God, it stinks in here.
- It's the T-shirt I'm in. - That's why it stinks.
- You three are like chimps. - (Veronica) Fiona!
We need to go if we're gonna get a lift.
(Fiona) Give us five minutes, Veronica.
(Door slams)
Hiya.
(Techno music)
Oi!
Excuse me!
- He's got me bag! - Excuse me.
- Move! - Oi! He's got me bag!
Move, move, move!
Bastard!
(Tyres squeal)
Look, I'm sorry.
I know you missed but that were top fucking notch.
Steve. I was gonna offer to buy you a drink anyway.
- Were you now? - Yeah, I was, actually.
- What do you reckon, Veronica? - I don't know. Do I get one?
Yeah, I think you will.
- Snake bites all round, yeah? - Maybe.
No, no, no. You're not getting back in like that.
- What? - Look at the state of him.
State of you. If you were doing your job, he wouldn't have had to.
- You fat twat. - You're barred.
- What for? - Er... drugs.
- He let them get away. - Watch your mouth, spunk face.
- Don't talk to her like that. - Or what?
Forget it. Let's get a taxi.
- Thanks. - Thanks anyway.
(Both scream)
- Come on! - You fat wanker!
(Lip) I got a blowjob today.
What have you been told about encouraging pets?
- Karen Jackson. - Yeah, right, Lip.
She's desperate to get physics. I didn't ask.
I didn't even know until she yanked it out.
You'd have told me straightaway if you would have been noshed.
You ever had yours sucked?
Well... once or twice.
Didn't hear you telling me.
How come, lan? A breakthrough like that, if we tell each other everything...
Unless you got it sucked by a bloke.
(Sobs)
What was it he called you? A spunky monkey or something.
It wasn't me he called spunk face. It was her. I'm more of a juice face.
- Not in front of the kids, mate. - They've heard worse.
- I get it off them. - (Steve) Here's the spunky monkey.
I nearly wet meself when you whacked that guy. Well, I did a bit.
He'll kill you if ever he sees you, Steve.
Yeah?
- How many people live here? - I'm next door but one.
But next door's dead so I'm, erm... next door.
- Yeah? Are you a nurse, Veronica? - Er... part time.
- (Fiona) You lying cow. - She's a cleaner.
(Veronica) They asked me to train twice, at least.
(Fiona) Just before they sacked you for thieving.
If you're using stolen goods, I'm on the blower.
Will you shut up! You don't even know him!
Sit still.
I would do if you stopped nudging me with your knockers.
- Argh, Jesus! - Sit still!
I'm Steve, by the way.
Debbie.
- Lip. - Carl.
- And that's lan. - Hi, lan.
Hey, Debbie, why do they call him Lip?
A- you stink, B- you're not as funny as you think,
C- you whacked a bouncer so you'll be dead soon.
- (Debbie) Stuff like that. - Yeah, boy meets death wish.
We-hey! I thought you were fetching an Indian home.
I couldn't be arsed so I found a tax payer.
- What's going on? - We got turfed out.
Steve stuck up for us. Decked a bouncer.
- Which bouncer? - Jimmy Clifton.
Fuck me.
(Fiona) Come on, you lot. Off to bed.
- Bed. - (Steve) Night, kids. See you later.
- Bye! - See you, love.
- That's his? - Yeah. Well, work's.
- What kind of work? - Car sales.
- Where? - I don't know. Didn't ask.
I'm not as nosy as you.
Oh, right. But you didn't mind watching him take his shirt off.
No. And if you hadn't walked in I'd have tripped him up and dived under.
Phwoargh! (Giggles)
Right, straight answer.
If I hadn't busted my skull for you, would you have looked twice?
Who's saying I looked twice?
You did then.
I can't.
99%/% of this world's problems are caused by little words that come in pairs.
We're healthy and we're happy
and yet when anybody asks us, we say, "Not bad."
When I saw you for the first time, dancing, about a month ago, by the way,
I was desperate to buy you a drink.
But you know what I said to myself? "I can't. She won't. We wouldn't."
And then you're there again tonight and me getting a second chance
to make a good impression.
So you say stop and I'll stop.
Slower.
Oh, yeah! Nearly! Nearly!
- (Knocking) - Shit!
Shit!
- Fiona in? - Yeah. Er... yeah, she's upstairs.
I'll just go get her.
- Police. - I know. I'll sort it.
(Shouting) Go away!
(Girl) Come here, Liam. Back to bed.
I wouldn't put him anywhere near a carpet until his kecks dry off a bit.
(Steve) What the fuck's that? (Fiona) It's me dad.
Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.
Cheers, Fiona. Night.
- Hey, do you want a hand? - No, you're all right.
Do you, erm... do you leave him there all night?
He's never there when I get up.
Who's the little 'un? Liam?
Brother.
(Knock at door, washing machine spinning)
(Steve) Hiya.
Listen, erm... I'm wondering how you're fixed for Friday.
- Party. - Great.
- You wouldn't get invited. - Is it a hen do?
It's just not that kind of party.
Look, Steve, you're not that desperate.
- Wanting to see you again is desperate? - Feeling like you have to.
You could get laid anywhere.
So I'm only here for a fuck?
Never crossed your mind?
This is all a bit Hans Christian Andersen.
You see, you think you find your dream girl,
then her incontinent alcoholic father wrecks it.
- Don't take the piss. - Don't pretend you don't even know me.
You weren't that drunk.
If the only reason last night happened was because it happened,
don't knock it, all right?
At least something did.
It did for me.
- Hey, it's the smart arse. - Hey, it's the loser.
- No school today? - Two teeth out this morning.
If you're chewing, don't just do it on one side.
That can bugger your jaw and that'll change the way you walk.
- Is that a fact? - It's a skeletal fact.
If you talk out of your arse, you'll need a bigger toothbrush. Anal fact.
Cheers.
Lip.
(Machine restarts)
Look...
Thanks about the bag.
- And stuff. - (Steve laughs)
- Stuff? - I'm just not looking, Steve.
I'm not having this.
Look, just once, for me, then I swear I'll shut up about everything.
Swear though, Lip, then.
Just try it. You might like it.
Oh, she's thrilled with you.
She got an A for her physics.
Karen, it's your little helper!
I'll get you carrier bags.
(Man) Right, I'm off.
Oh, hiya, lads. Where's our Karen?
Out looking for a felt tip.
Guess.
- Tuna. - Nope.
- Corned beef. - Nope.
Kiss and I'll tell.
I'll find out what I've got when I eat 'em, won't I?
Right, Karen, I'm late so I'm off. See you in the morning, sweetheart.
What are you hiding for?
What's she hiding for?
Oh, Jesus Christ, no.
No!
(Screaming)
- What? - He's gonna kill him!
- Who?
- (Crash and thud) - He's killed him.
Come back here, you little animals!
Round to ours. Top of the freezer. Two ice collars.
- Don't drop 'em. They can split. - Right.
Second cupboard above the sink - liquid ibuprofen.
Freeze spray and microthermal bandages.
- Shouldn't he get it X-rayed? - Grow up.
He'll be there till midnight. "Submetatarsal haematoma."
"Yeah, cheers, we knew that five hours back." Fuck off.
Microthermal bandages sizes eight and ten. Could need either so bring both.
- Right. - And front bedroom, top of the video...
- Yeah? ...fags and lighter.
- (Knocking) - I'm not here!
Argh!
Just say we're out or you've never heard of us.
What have you done?
Get back up the stairs.
Can I get through here?
- Hey? - Washer-dryer.
Not me.
- Gallagher, number 2? - Yeah. But it's not ours.
Where the fuck are you going with them?
- Veronica wants them. - Chuck us one over here.
(Radio alarm)
(Makes trumpet sound)
Right.
- I thought you'd no money. - We haven't.
These were inside it.
"Steve."
- No! - Yeah.
- Who's Steve? - Other night.
- Never! - I know!
- You haven't got a vase. - No.
- Can I have them for doing Lip's leg? - No.
Just button it and follow me, will you?
- I am! Fucking hell. - Stop pulling it back.
- I'm not pulling it back! - I'm taking the strain on it, aren't I?
(Debbie) Lip! Watch how many I can do. Look. Look!
15 years, I've done everything in my power to... What did I tell you?
Sow and thou shalt reap. Well, she didn't reap that from me, did she?
Reap what? What are you reaping now?
Eddie, what if I try? Really try?
Mum, don't beg him!
If the bastard can do this, he's not worth it.
- You watch your mouth. - Get fucked!
Don't try blaming me for this!
You're your own worst enemies, you two.
They say bad things come in threes. They don't. Twos. You twos.
Now let me in or I'll tear this door off.
(Karen) Sod off!
(Mobile phone)
(Fiona) 'How much have you paid for it? '
Erm... l'm not gonna tell you that.
'Lt was a present so you'd remember my phone number.'
Which obviously worked.
Your washer-dryer's in the back yard. We don't want it, I don't need it.
- So pick it up before it rots. - 'Ls it? '
- Well, no. - Did the guy connect it?
Yes.
- 'So it's working? ' - Yes.
So you've tried it.
- Smell your breath. - Fuck off.
- Pork scratchings. - No, it's not.
They were mine.
See? I wouldn't mind but scratchings aren't scratchings
and they've never seen no pork.
Ian, I pay your wages.
If you catch him letting me down, you'd better be straight on the mobile.
Message received.
If you're not at that mosque by midnight,
you'll be in deep shit with your dad.
- See you later, light of my life. - I mean it. We're all watching you.
See you at home.
Can you earn your money while you're taking the piss?
Now you know what I feel like.
Quit whingeing.
Drink more.
(Laughs)
Mum, we've got to wear our shoes. There's bits of glass you can't see.
- (Lip) Cheers. - Maybe Lip could do with a drink.
Yes, sorry, Lip. It's been a bit of an off day today, hasn't it, Karen?
So. Vodka, some tonic.
Plenty of rum but we're out of blackcurrant.
- And gin. - Just coffee, Mum.
- (Tearfully) And a few lagers. - Lager would be great. Cheers.
- What if your dad comes back? - He won't.
- That's my fault. - He's been looking for an excuse.
Thanks.
So, erm... what kind of impression did you get of lan?
He seems nice.
- Hard? - Couldn't tell. He didn't say much.
No, I mean...
- Did he get a hard-on? - No.
(Panting and moaning)
(Man) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Count the crisps again, lan, and this time do it proper.
And I'll do the peanuts, all right? Jeez! Lip.
Just, er... Cheers for the tools, Kash.
Any time, eh? So long as I get 'em back.
- So orange juice. Let's count... - Two bottles.
(Lip) Jesus Christ.
Tell me you are taking the piss.
You're fucking him?
Him?!
(Lip) Kash bought you the trainers, didn't he?
He's married. With kids.
- What else does he buy you? - Just stuff now and again.
And you're happy with that?
Eh?
What does that make you?
A fucking rent boy at best.
Listen to me, bollock brains. You crack on you know everything.
And you know what? Ask me what I've bought him. Go on. Ask me.
Two Man United shirts, home and away,
limited edition Beckham shin pads for Christmas.
So what does that make you, Lip, eh? What does that make you?
Wrong, that's what, you smart arse, short arse fuck.
So go round there now and promise Kash you'll keep your mouth shut.
Cos he's shitting himself and he's done nothing - understand? -
absolutely fuck all to be sorry for.
Fake Muslim cheats on white fundamentalist wife
with gutless gay boy.
Says more about United fans than it does about the rest of us.
(Music drowns out conversation)
- Tell me you haven't got a girl pregnant. - No danger.
Not if that's all you end up being to your kids.
- Did he give you your dinner money? - No, I'll pay it myself.
No, you won't.
There you go.
You must be sick of having to think for everybody.
At least I can, so it makes me feel wanted.
If the best you're aiming for is wanting to be wanted,
you've a job for life with that clown, Fiona.
Night.
(Mobile phone)
(Mobile phone continuing)
- Hello. - What was I wearing?
- 'Wearing? ' - The first time you saw me.
'You were wearing a pink top and black trousers.
'Cropped black trousers.
'And you had dangling earrings. Just one earring.
'Lt was a long, thin dazzler.
'And you had your hair up in these little clips. These rosy clip things.
'And you were dancing next to a red-haired girl in a green dress.'
Gemma. Who's a lot better looking than I am.
- 'You reckon? ' - So why weren't you looking at her?
Because you think like that and Gemma doesn't.
Gemma's dancing for an audience and you're dancing like there's nobody there.
Your life's not straightforward and a bit of that travels with you
but you don't stop it showing.
'You're not fake. You're not vain.
'You're not lost so you don't need finding.
'You're not trapped so you don't need springing.
'This town belongs to the fucking Gemmas of this world
'and I'm sick of the fucking sight of them.'
'I swear to God, Fiona, you're just... You make me want to enjoy my life.'
I've lost mates because I talk too much.
But every time I try the opposite I get accused of sulking so...
Are you still there? Hello? Hello?
Hello?
(Steve) I knew you'd come.
People like you are used to getting your own way.
Who are people like me?
All right, agree or disagree.
- He thinks the sun shines out his arse. - Agree.
- He's overgenerous and that bugs me. - Agree.
Because I'm not used to being spoiled.
Agree.
Nevertheless, he's overeducated and he's got more money than sense.
- Your words, not mine. - But they fit.
Agree.
- He's had an easy life. - Definitely.
And I prefer a bloke who's been around a bit.
Maybe.
- I can't help my upbringing. - I'm not apologising for mine.
Was I asking you to?
- (Waitress) Finished? - No.
No, we're working on it.
Please.
Do you want to wait outside while I take care of the bill?
You can smoke there.
Sure.
Can I borrow your lighter?
- Time to get your jacket, sir? - Mm.
Yeah, it is.
(Classical music)
Mr and Mrs Pace. You all right?
How are you? Lovely to have you back again.
- Enjoy your meal. - Thank you.
(Mobile phone)
Hello.
(Steve) 'You seem a bit confused about how I pay my way.
'Well, you're the last person in the world I need to confuse so here we go.
'I don't buy and sell cars, I just sell them.
'But they're not mine.
'Satisfied? '
No.
They're really nice. They're really old. They'll be dead soon.
Look, he has beef, gets blind drunk and swears a lot.
'She can't drive so he tears home pissed.'
I'll be doing everybody a favour by just taking them off the road.
'Come on. Do you fancy a laugh or not, Fiona? '
This car's mine.
Sounds like they're all in bed.
Gotcha.
Who's been eating my porridge, then?
Hiya, Dad.
- This is Steve. - We've met but you...
- How much do you weigh? - Wouldn't know.
- That'd fit me. - Ignore him.
Shift!
Listen, I better get off and let you get to bed, all right?
Thanks.
That was really nice.
You too.
What I want to know...
Who... signed... for this?
- What the fuck's he on? - I think he bought Es.
The only dealer he gets credit from is a registered schizophrenic.
It's not a case of whether I agree, Steve. It's a fact.
- If I was a single parent... - Aren't you?
Yeah, but if I had tits.
Yeah, but if I had tits, Steve, they'd double the money.
- With a bloke they don't fucking know. - I get it, Frank, I get it.
- It's "Prove you're looking for work." - And the rest.
What was World War II about if blokes like me are still getting shit?
Not "How's a guy supposed to find work with kids this age?"
Correct. Hello!
Oh! Good show. Well done.
- Cos her mum, God rest her soul... - Dad, don't start.
Cos she'd better be dead, the cunt.
- Cut it out! - A four-month-old baby, Steve.
A 16-year-old girl, just had her appendix out.
11-year-old Lip, 10-year-old lan, 7-year-old, 5-year-old.
Oh, and an Escort van, calypso blue.
What's the one thing we needed?
One word. One thing.
- Sterilisation. - Continuity.
Continuity.
One Tuesday, right, we're out of bread, so I send her down the shops.
She grabs the van keys.
I haven't seen it since. And we haven't a fucking clue where she is, have we?
Eh? We... Oh, I fucking love this.
(Turns up the music volume)
So what could I do, Steve? What could I do?
Vanish for three weeks.
- I had a breakdown. - (Fiona) You went on a bender.
I had a nervous breakdown.
Fair enough.
- (Knocking) - Dad.
Keys.
- Do you know what time it is? - It's Frank.
- What have I told you? - Oi!
(Frank) Eh! Here we go. Neighbours of Satan.
The day you pay rent, like some of us, Frank,
you can play whatever shit you want.
But till then, if you're pumpin' it at this time of night,
you play stuff that we like.
All right?
- Do you get it? - I get it.
Go on, get that down you.
(Loud music and raucous laughter)
He made me follow you up.
I know.
But he's right. You can't drive now.
But...
Liam is in here somewhere.
Don't the kids wake up?
Would you?
(Car alarm)
(Fiona) Ian, come and have your breakfast.
- Have you seen lan? - He'd gone before I woke up.
His school uniform's not here neither.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Give me this.
Tell me if you're not a morning person.
It's not something I've had much experience of.
First time for everything.
How can that be good for you?
- Or that. - Do you know what's not funny?
You. Ever.
Anybody before Kash?
- One. - Who?
I'm not telling you.
And actually... up the arse?
Cos... Look, I'm not taking the piss.
I've come through a toilet roll. And that's just one finger. Barely up the ring.
Screamed the house down!
Do you get used to that? Can you?
The whole point of the digestive system is about one-way traffic.
It just is.
What?
- What? - You!
"It just is."
Like we're only given lungs so we can fucking smoke.
(Singing oom-pah song)
- Sit yourselves down. Who's for bacon? - All right.
(Boy) Yummy!
- What's all this? - Well, er...
Debbie's the only person that gets up earlier than me
so we shot off down to Apu's on the corner.
She said breakfast is her favourite meal of the day and since it's her birthday...
(Gasps) No, it's not!
I didn't say it was, it said I wished it was.
All right. Sorry, completely misheard that, Debs.
Perforated eardrum on the right. M'lady.
- Anyone else want a drink? - Who's for bacon?
You got 15 minutes tops. Ian, Lip, your turn to wash up.
Debbie, Carl, you need to put them bins out.
(Frank) 'Somebody said, "Show me a child before he's seven
"'and I'll show you the man."
'My problem with kids is they're only seven once.
'After that it's a fucking nightmare. Massive!
'One thing I'll say about my lot, though, they've been raised to show respect.
'And I like that. It matters in our house.'
Has anyone seen Dad since last night?
(Frank) 'Six kids to keep on top of.'
You can't file Frank as missing. He's always missing.
Ooh, that is tight.
Sorry. Was my dad in the pub this afternoon?
Yeah, he were there. Slaughtered.
How was he looking when you left him?
He can't be far. He's never far.
Police? I've just found a body exactly fitting Frank's description.
(Screaming)
You might be getting...
but you've got a long way to go before you can catch up with...
For fuck's sake!