Yes, you're right, we never left home.
Bay of Bengal, Bombay, Cairo, All back projection.
This is shot on location... In Sunningdale.
Actually, this place was built By a very rich man called Sassoon,
Who made his money in China, but wanted People to think he still lived in England.
With a place like this, how can I persuade you I'm in Shanghai?
You'll just have to follow me.
If the suburban villas of Shanghai Resemble Sunningdale,
The grand waterfront, called the "Bund", Could be Westminster or Merseyside.
The reason for such nostalgic parody
Is the opium trade.
It led to the western commercial presence here,
Which reached a peak of confidence In the 1920s and 30s,
When the Europeans Tried to rebuild Shanghai in their likeness.
There is a regular sea connection From here to Japan,
But it sails only once a week.
I phone the shipping office in trepidation.
But the ferry is in port. I can see it From my window in the Peace Hotel.
It leaves tomorrow.
For Basil and I, it's our last day together.
He's returning to Hong Kong To his wife and new baby.
We dip into the side streets. Shanghai is the largest city in China.
The population is 12 million, so it is, Not surprisingly, labour intensive.
Everyone has something to do - sweeping, Selling, cooking, or being a bicycle man.
Though the street atmosphere Appears medieval,
There is a trickle of modern goods.
You can buy an electronic calculator,
But the price Will still be added up on an abacus.
47 days of continual movement is sapping The few reserves of energy I have left.
Basil recommends a local pick-me-up.
This is the... Hello! ...tiredness and fatigue counter?
Do I get a sample?
Everything from baldness to impotence Has been treated here for over 200 years,
So there must be something in it, But what exactly?
- What is this? - Chi.
Ah, that is good for your chi.
- My chi? - It is regenerating.
You know, they believe That it all comes from here.
And then it goes around your body.
- This is better than stuff in a bottle? - Oh, yeah.
Because it cures the source of the problem.
The pills, generally, just give you... Give you instant gratification.
I'd love to know what they all are.
I'll get you a list.
- Three times every day. - Three times a day.
For how many days?
Er... Three days.
I can't wait to take it and see the effect.
Many Chinese learn English.
The chance to try it out is an event.
- Do you know the BBC? - I know.
- Do you know what it? - BBC is British Broadcast Company.
How do you know about the BBC?
BBC is the famous broadcaster Radio in the world.
Sometimes I see the programmes of BBC On our television.
- Yes. - And sometimes I listen to radio.
- BBC short wave. - Short wave!
Short wave, that's right. I try to use it for the football results.
- I like English very much. - Do you?
Where did you learn English?
I learned it in my home from radio and TV.
(SPEAKS ENGLISH WITH A HEAVY CHINESE ACCENT)
...According to my job and occupation.
- My occupation is little. - What is your occupation?
Accountant on the public bus. "Fares, please! Here is your change."
I don't think you would get many bus Conductors in London who spoke Chinese.
This curiosity about the west may stem From the fact that, 60 years ago,
Shanghai was an international city.
(THEY PLAY "TUXEDO JUNCTION")
Noël Coward wrote "Private Lives" here and The nightclubs played the new American jazz.
Now these men, old enough To have seen Noël Coward out walking,
Play to a new audience -
Earnest, appreciative and a little dull.
But some people still come to Shanghai For a good time.
This Australian couple visit every year.
They love Shanghai and they love the band.
And the band, all retired players From the Shanghai Symphony Orchestra,
Love American jazz!
But sitting here at the Peace Hotel On a Thursday, it's all very polite.
A far cry from the 30s, those decadent days When Shanghai was the Havana of the east.
Do you have A favourite jazz band of your own?
I like Harry James.
Harry James. A trumpet player like you. Very good.
- And Benny Goodman. - Yes, yeah.
Do you have a family yourself? Do you have sons or daughters?
Yes, i've got a son. He works in Shanghai Symphony Orchestra.
He plays viola.
Is he... Does he also play jazz?
No, he play only classical!
It's a terrific sound!
Thank you.
After a day of postcard writing, Chinese Laundry and a farewell drink with Basil,
It's time to move on.
As ever, I view departures With mixed feelings.
They are good for my timekeeping, But come too soon.
To leave China And have seen so little is a waste.
However, I am now only six days Behind Fogg,
And he'd lost his Passepartout, Who got drunk in Hong Kong.
My Passepartout got drunk in Hong Kong, But he's still here.
Great to be back on boats again.
There is something of unequalled Excitement about being on a boat...
...at the moment of departure.
A new temporary home, a cosy little cabin, A new sea, a new country at the end of it.
Probably all go wrong, but at the moment I must confess to extreme excitement.
I know I'm prone to excitement, But it's still great to be on board.
I'm only doing this so the cameraman Can get the sunset, so i'll leave you to it.
All yours, Nigel.
Over there, the sunset. Big red thing behind the building.
Nice, isn't it? I love a nice big sunset. Going down there.
Dipping behind the building. Lovely! Anyway, i'll get out of your way!
So I leave China as I arrived - by river.
(FOGHORN BOOMS)
It does seem appropriate.
Rivers are so important here - Irrigation, trading routes,
And in floods, they sometimes bring Immense destruction.
In a few miles, We will join the great Yangtse,
Which will carry us out into the East China Sea and on a two-day journey
Into the Pacific Ocean and north To the port of Yokohama in Japan.
- Hello. - Hello.
Next morning, back on the high seas,
I take breakfast in the coffee shop Of the Jian Zhen.
I try to glean information about why a Service between two such populous countries
Should run only once a week. What is it all about?
Can you tell me, is this a Japanese boat?
No, a Chinese boat.
Ah, sorry. So, you and the crew are Chinese?
Yes.
- But the passengers are Japanese. - Japanese and Chinese.
Where are all the passengers?
Is this a very quiet boat?
At the moment? Yes?
The sea is very calm at the moment.
- Sometimes. - Sometimes it is rough?
- Yes. - Feel seasick?
Never mind.
Thank you.
Am I still asleep?
This surely must be a dream.
The decor, the music, the conversation.
Maybe I died on the Yangtse And I'm in a Sino-Japanese heaven.
Then it dawns on me. Of course! I was lucky enough to have a cabin.
The majority of the 650 berths on this ship Are down below in tatami class.
This is where everyone will be.
Ah, wrong again.
Oh, well, I suppose there's only one thing To do, that's go to sleep again.
Sardine class, here!
That's quite comfortable.
If you don't move, turn over, Stretch out for a glass of water...
Sorry!
Now I know why Joseph Conrad Wrote so much on the China Seas.
There's nothing else to do.
(KNOCKING)
Yes, come in.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Would you care for some hot water?
- Oh, anything that is going. - Thank you.
For medicine. Chinese medicine.
Thank you very much.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
The mind might be going, But there's a chance I can save the body.
My collection of ginseng roots, dried mosses And other bits of countryside
Looks even more like builder's rubble This morning.
Still, it's been tested Over a period of 4,000 years,
Must give it the edge on laboratory stuff.
Add a little hot water, Courtesy of the management...
...stir it all with decadent western pen...
...and wait.
Ideally, for about 1,000 years, But I haven't time for that, so here goes.
Here comes the moment of truth.
It's a lovely shade of yellow.
Tastes like distilled woodland!
Bit of earth thrown in.
You can't rejuvenate overnight, Not at my age.
Just when I'm beginning to feel the benefit, It's time to face country 16 - Japan.
Its ships, like the economy, Are big and powerful,
Bringing in the oil, taking out the cars.
Not one, but two tugs come alongside To shepherd us into Yokohama.
They even removed a bit of bridge To let us through.
("STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" BY SOUSA)
The odd choice of Sousa marches To welcome us
Is my first sign of Japanese Fascination with things American,
Which, in view of their past differences - Pearl Harbor, Hiroshima - is ironic.
Phileas Fogg arrived in Yokohama On November 14, 1872,
Exactly 116 years ago, to the day.
When Fogg arrived in any port, There was an on-service that day.
Now there are no passenger services Across the Pacific at all.
I must head for Tokyo And the shipping agencies.
The bullet trains glide in Like wingless aircraft every 20 minutes.
The doors slide open for exactly 30 seconds,
So God help you if you have a double bass And a set of golf clubs.
It's like an aircraft inside, as well.
Once the acceleration begins, I find myself Instinctively tighten for take off.
The Shinkansen, which means New Railway,
Speeds at 150 mph Right across Japan's main island.
It was the first quantum leap in railway Technology since the age of steam.
It's the fastest I've travelled on my journey.
If there had been a Shinkansen in China, I might have saved days!
(TANNOY ANNOUNCES ARRIVAL)
As it is, Yokohama to Tokyo takes 15 minutes.
Shimbashi station.
Don't panic.
Well, here we are.
Up with the faithful bag again, And out into another city.
Tokyo, population nine million, language Incomprehensible, alphabet indecipherable.
Haisu, central exit?
I hope you're not following me. I don't know where I'm going.
I feel like a tramp down here under the city
Amongst the immaculately Turned out Japanese.
Perhaps I'm doomed to wander These well-polished halls forever,
Proof of the awful fate awaiting Those that can't organise their life
The way the Japanese do.
(PH0NE) 0h, hello, is that David Powers?
- Yes, it is. - It's Michael Palin.
- What are you doing here? - It's a long story, I can't tell you now.
I'm really only here for about 24 hours.
Can we meet up? I know nothing of this place.
- I'd love to have you show me around. - That would be fine.
- How about this evening? - That's good. Whereabouts should we meet?
That's always a problem in Tokyo.
We could meet places where we'd spend The evening trying to find each other.
I eventually meet David Powers, A BBC journalist living in Tokyo,
At a self-service sushi bar,
Which, like everything in Japan, Is rather clever.
First, take your tea and a tea bag.
- Tea, as well? - Yes, all do-it-yourself.
- Hot water in there. - Ingenious, isn't it?
The country that made the Sony Walkman.
Then, just take whatever you fancy.
That's a mackerel one there.
- Is this sushi or sashimi? - That's sushi.
Sushi is the stuff on top of rice balls.
- Does it have to be raw fish? - Not necessarily raw.
That is actually slightly boiled.
Can I try one? What's that?
That one is... Sea urchin.
- That is raw. - i've taken it now.
I keep thinking We should be putting things back on.
You can't send your empties back.
You stack your plates, they count them And that's your bill at the end.
Everything, same price.
How difficult is it to learn Japanese?
It's a bit of a mind-bender, Japanese.
It's one of the most difficult languages.
Partly because of how it is written - Chinese characters and their own characters.
Each word has different ways Of being pronounced
Depending on where it is in a sentence.
Some can be pronounced 20 ways.
You just have to know Which part of a sentence it's in.
Worse than English.
We think with spelling in English we have Problems - the Japanese really do!
Ironically, Japanese words Are now some of the most familiar world-wide.
The Japanese are like magpies - picking up Bits of design, inventions, language,
Mixing them With their own talent for production
To produce something everyone wants.
Being in control is an important part Of the Japanese character.
But in the evenings, they like to be out of it.
To help them are geishas, restaurants And the phenomenon of the karaoke bar.
(HE SINGS IN JAPANESE)
Karaoke, meaning "empty orchestra", Began 20 years ago
As a way of allying sophisticated technology
With the unsophisticated Japanese urge To sing in public.
For under £1.00, you can choose a song From 2,000 stored on laser disc,
With a backing singer And video thrown in free.
- It's terrifying! - No, it's fascinating.
- I enjoy it. - Will you sing?
Certainly, and you will, too.
- No, no. - Oh, yes. You have to sing for your supper.
Mind you, the whisky they drink To go with it is about £60 a bottle.
At that price, it's not surprising that it Takes very little to make everyone happy.
They take it seriously. Have they rehearsed, do you think?
They go straight into it.
A lot of people have this equipment at home.
- I see. - Some of my relatives do.
They practise before going out.
I'm told that these men, Sales managers and accountants by day,
Tom Jones by night, practise at home For hours to get their presentation right.
But you can't go wrong. No one's allowed To spoil the party. You must have fun!
I begin to sense the remorseless And unavoidable tide of fun flowing my way.
I don't know where the back door is. I don't even know where the front door is!
For old times' sake, I choose a song I heard the band play in Shanghai.
# You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
# You'll never know, dear, How much I love you
# Please don't take my... My sunshine away
# You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
# You make me happy when skies are grey
# You'll never know, dear, How much I love you
# Oh, please don't take my sunshine away!
Yeah! #... My sunshine away! #
My partner takes a well deserved bow.
I choose disembowelment, But the club isn't licensed,
So they give me the next best thing.
Mrs Thatcher would approve Of Tokyo at night.
The streets are clean, Mugging is almost unknown,
And if you get too drunk to go home,
The Japanese system will provide A system as neat as a Sony Walkman.
It's a capsule hotel.
The over-karaokied businessman Who missed his last train
Can get a room for the night.
If you abide by the rules, you'll get a bargain.
- How much is it? - About £18 for the night.
You get the Sony, you get the place to stay, You get a shaving kit, all thrown in.
- It is good. - It is, but make sure you look at the rules.
"Persons whose bodies are tattooed Should keep out."
That's usually gangsters in Japan.
"Dead drunks are requested to keep out."
If you're dead, you'll probably do that.
"Persons in sandals should keep out." Why's that?
- Dirty feet. - Dirty feet?
Jesus Christ would have no chance. It's a lot to remember if you're dead drunk!
This sobers you up, just the...
I wonder if there is anything nasty in Japan.
Any dirty corners, Anything that doesn't work.
I mean, your average English inebriate Has enough trouble with a white line!
- Are these the rooms? - No, a little bigger that that.
Here comes the pièce-de-résistance.
- Your Tokyo nightwear! - Very restful.
- Very fetching. - Very restful, nice quiet colours (!)
Once processed, all you have to do Is find the room.
Believe me, they are easy to miss.
I'm upstairs.
Aren't you the lucky one?
- How the hell do you get in it? - It's like a luxury morgue.
Actually, it's a triumph of miniaturisation.
If you can say that, you should be in here!
- Good night. - It's very comfortable.
Now, cooking time. How long do I need?
(TV IN JAPANESE)
It's a video.
An in-coffin video!
Oh, dear, it's the late news.
Got the same channel as I have on? Very instructional, isn't it?
Glad we haven't got the cameras here!
Unbelievable!
Good morning, is Mr Nakajima there, please?
Hello, is that Mr Nakajima?
Ah, hello. It's Michael Palin from the BBC.
Mr Nakajima sends me to Tokyo docks To ask for the Neptune Garnet.
Here she is. A big, fat, well-used vessel,
43,000 tonnes, 3,000 containers, 11 storeys high.
But all that matters to me Is she sails for America tonight.
Tomorrow morning, I'll look out at the Pacific Ocean.
Well, it's there somewhere.
And that's my view for the next 11 days.
11 days! That's longer Than most of our family holidays.
What is there to do?
Well, whatever you do on holiday, I suppose.
Read all the books you've been Meaning to read for the last 15 years...
...enjoy the local food and drink...
...write a few letters To make them jealous back home...
...and get out and about And make some new friends.
Where shall I start? Meeting room sounds promising.
Hmm, perhaps everyone is on deck.
How about the games room?
Nope.
I know. They'll all be watching TV.
Ah, the ship's noticeboard.
That should give me a few clues To life aboard the Marie Celeste.
Ah, the ship's mess, of course! That's where they'll all be.
Well, two of them, at least.
And one of them is the captain, An Indian, Suresh Amirapu.
Especially on this journey, I have been Rushing through places.
From Hong Kong to Japan, We did in about ten days.
So, suddenly to come to this, Everything seems to grind to a halt.
Time stretches ahead of us.
Actually, that is very characteristic Of passenger ship life.
Extremes. In port, we get very busy.
We're there a short time, And then we have a long sea stretch.
What you mentioned Is very typical of sea life.
I am obsessed by times and schedules Because of the 80 days.
Did we leave Tokyo on schedule?
Just a couple of hours behind schedule.
But we hope to make that up on the way. We should be in Long Beach on time.
- Will we see any land? - No, next landfall will be California.
Very good food. Good sate.
So, how long does this boat take to... You just go round the world?
Yes, we go round the world. We are on a fixed schedule.
- We take 63 days. - 63 days!
Rotten swine!
A bit faster than you are.
Much faster.
63 days of staring out At a view of America's trade deficit
Would cure me of circumnavigating forever!
The weather's getting worse.
Captain, can you tell me, how do you know
Where the storms or bad weather Is going to be on any one day?
We get weather information And reports by radio.
We also have weather charts like this.
This is Japan, And most of the lows are up here.
There are gale warnings there, too, So we are staying south.
We're avoiding the worst weather.
I am measuring now the wind direction.
I'm using a device called a handkerchief.
This was used by Lord Beaufort, Who discovered wind early this century.
He named the various winds from one to 18.
You can tell from how far the hanky blows Just how strong the wind will be.
So I am now going to let the hanky go,
And work out how strong This gale that will hit us is going to be.
Remember, Lord Beaufort, discoverer of wind, After dinner, July 30th, 1909.
I'll drop the hanky now.
As you can see, the wind Is not quite as violent as we'd thought.
It is blowing at about...
Just calculate, one knot!
It is actually nearer 40 knots
And a force eight gale.
The Pacific is not living up to its name.
The only consolation Is that Phileas Fogg crossed all this
In a paddle steamer at half our speed.
For the first time, I am catching him up.
Even the containers sound depressed today,
Adding their own distinctive note To the miserable conditions.
Straining at their moorings, They produce groans
Strangely akin to a Stockhausen symphony.
There's only one place to be On a day like this.
In the day room, It is Roger Passepartout's birthday.
A party has been laid on At which he is one of the reluctant stars.
(THEY CHANT HIS NAME)
Cabin boy!
Strokes of the cat!
"Mimic your favourite animal at the zoo."
You have to guess what it is.
(SNORTS)
(SCREECHES)
A documentary producer!
He's a colossal hit with the Singaporean crew,
But is it family entertainment? The First officer's wife and son don't seem sure.
(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)
I never knew Pass the Parcel Had such international status.
The Neptune Garnet's crew Are aiming for Olympic standards.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Fix! Fix!
Ah, the... The ship's scissors!
I name this ship... Oh, they are blunt!
What do I have to do now? Read this out?
"Mimic any interesting personality You have met on your travels."
Ah, right... OK.
The... Er... Yugoslav deckhand.
I just hope this series Isn't sold in Yugoslavia!
Otherwise, I'm a dead man!
Good morning, all ship personnel.
All clocks will advance by one hour tonight.
Thank you.
On our 5,000-mile journey across the Pacific, We have eight time zones to cross.
I begin to experience ship lag, as every Night the clocks are moved on one hour.
Early nights become late nights.
Getting up for breakfast Is almost impossible.
("YOU MAY BE RIGHT" BY BILLY JOEL)
Life on a container ship is like being Squashed in a great big shopping basket.
It's a battle to avoid becoming like one Of the refrigerated vegetables outside.
Regular exercise kills a little time.
Every other night, the casino is opened For the hardened gamblers.
Double four... Number 44.
Two little ducklings... 22.
The next number... Number 29.
The first Christmas decorations of 1988
Are a reminder, Like the ever changing clocks,
That time is moving on...
...ever so slowly.
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Don't think that I'm not dead butch.
I don't think there's anything pansy Or poofy or effeminate
In ironing your own shirts!
This shirt got dirty Through good honest sweat!
It got sweaty because I worked hard doing A man's job on a man's ship a man's way!
Just because I like to apply an iron and get A nice crease does not mean I am poofy!
Don't you pan away from me!
I think a good tight crease Is a sign of a man's private life!
If you can get your crease sharp, You can get other things sharp, too!
Made a man out of me, Made a man out of my wife!
Look at this machine - For clean clothes only!
Stupid machine! Four or five times it had to go in there!
Other people's clothes were in there At the same time, they dissolved!
Underpants fell to pieces!
Anyway, that's all from ironing corner.
Back with flower arranging tomorrow.
And you want to see where i'll be arranging Them! Not your normal way.
I'll arrange them in a man's vase! That's enough. Cut away.
In between the increasingly frequent Bouts of madness,
I sit and wish I was elsewhere.
I'd looked forward To long days on the Pacific.
It sounded a romantic concept -
11 days on the world's largest ocean.
Time to reflect, alone with the elements.
In reality, the weather Continues grey and hostile,
The wind blows, the ship rolls
And the Neptune Garnet Can't get there fast enough for me.
It's a sobering thought that our movement Across this vast ocean
Is dependent On just one brass propeller below me,
Which has to be kept turning non-stop, Day and night, for two weeks.
To try and allay my fears, I visit the engine room.
Room is a misnomer. The engine is housed In a space the size of a cathedral.
It's awesome, But it still only turns one propeller
At 21 knots.
In less than a minute, this will show Our position as 180 degrees longitude,
Halfway round the world, The International Dateline.
All the hours I have lost Travelling east to west
Will be given back to me in one extra day,
Which was, of course, What Fogg forgot until the end of his story.
I shall get two November 21sts.
But even so, it still leaves me 23 To cross the second half of the world,
And it took me 58 days to cross the first.
Watch longitude east become... Longitude west.
Western hemisphere. Great, isn't it?
It's my sort of hemisphere!
(TANN0Y) Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen.
May I have your attention For these two announcements, please?
The first announcement...
...the clocks will be advanced By one hour tonight at midnight.
Second announcement...
Please note that we will have One day returned tonight.
That means that we have Another Monday tomorrow.
We will have another Monday tomorrow.
However, please don't expect that whatever Happened today will happen again tomorrow.
Thank you.
Anywhere else in the world, I'd have been Glad to have another November 21st,
But to be given the day again when You'd not known what to do the first time
Seems quite literally a waste of time.
But you don't cross the dateline Without something happening.
November 21st Mark Two Is a day i'll not forget.
(GONG CLANGS)
Ladies and gentlemen... You are now gathered here...
...to witness our new seafaring members
Undergoing series of initiation ceremonies.
This ceremony is of crossing The International Dateline.
The wretched victims, Apart from myself, are all cadets.
A Burmese, a Ghanaian and a Malay.
Bring them in front of me And make them kneel!
The night before, The crew had all watched "Full Metal Jacket",
Just to perfect their technique.
Your Highness, I bring you four sailors Who have crossed the International Dateline
Without your permission.
And they were caught in the act By our fishy guards!
Proceed with what the initiation ceremony is, As we have always carried out.
Give them some colour!
Stand up!
Hands over head! Hands over head, I said!
I am told They normally use paint at this point,
But because I am here, They have let us off with tomato sauce.
- You, stand up! - Thought you'd get to me!
Hands over head!
Ah, warm!
On a day like this, hot sauce...
- You like it?! - No... Hell.
(SHOUTS MORE COMMANDS)
This'll do my career good!
- Very funny, huh? - Don't think i'll join the navy after all.
Thank you. Your Highness, We have finished the baptism.
But there's more fun to come -
A convivial cocktail To show there's no ill feeling.
It contains, amongst other things, coffee, Mustard, chocolate, curry powder,
Two eggs, Tabasco and soy sauce.
Smashing!
- Smashing, eh? - Very good, yes.
He's not used to drinking.
Offenders and our new seafarers,
You now will be recognised Wherever you go across the ocean,
Anywhere round the world, Especially in the world of Neptune.
Don't think i'll go across the Dateline Again. Once is enough for me.
Very nice. I'd like to thank the caterers For laying on such a feast (!)