Thanks for everything.
Guess what I did last night.
Dude!
Now let's rock Westside Academy!
Taste the beast!
You can do anything you want in life
as long as you stay away from drugs.
Why would a person use illegal drugs?
Many reasons.
Maybe they're trying to fit in with a new group of friends.
Maybe they're curious.
Maybe they're just bored.
But whatever the reason,
what should you say when someone offers you drugs?
Say, "No, thanks. I'll have a Minotaur."
Stay off drugs! Minotaur!
Thank you, Minotaur man.
Hey! Nice cow outfit, homo.
Where can I pick one of those up, the gay zoo?
Oh, no. It's not a... It's not a cow.
It's a minotaur.
It's a creature of myth,
and he got this one out of your mom's closet.
She let me keep it after I fucked her.
Drugs are bad. Energy drinks, good.
So whenever you'd like to taste one, help yourselves.
And for every can sold, Minotaur will make a donation
to the Keep Kids Off Drugs foundation.
God, this suit smells like Tater Tots.
Yeah, I know what you need.
Kiss? Are you kidding? No. God.
I love Kiss.
No one loves Kiss.
Paul Stanley is sick of Kiss.
Whoa! Don't dis the Starchild.
Hey, don't get me wrong, all right?
I like to "rock 'n' roll all night and part of every day!"
Party every day."Rock 'n' roll all night and party every day!"
I like to rock 'n' roll part of every day. Party every day.
I usually have errands. Party.
I can rock 'n' roll from, like, 1:00 to 3:00. You need to party.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
When someone offers you some illegal drugs, what do you say?
You say, "No, thanks. I'll just have a Minotaur."
I've had so many of these things.
I'm not kidding.
I may wet my pants. Where's the bathroom?
Holy shit.
Dude, this is like Shrek's piss.
So remember, stay off drugs, drink Minotaur and above all...
Taste the beast!
You know what's great about this job?
You mean, besides nothing?
We're making the world a better place.
How?
You know, giving the kids an energy boost to stay off drugs.
We're selling them nuclear horse piss for 6 bucks a can.
What an accomplishment. Feels good, doesn't it?
Easy to do hung-over.
I could do this job forever.
If I had to do this job forever, I'd put a bullet in my head.
Game face, bro.
Surprise!
Yeah!
Got you, man! Got you!
Happy anniversary! Did you know?
No.
All right. That was good!
Oh, my God. You're here.
Wheeler called me. Hi.
Thank you for warning me.
Hey, I tried to tell them you don't like surprises,
but they really wanted to celebrate your milestone.
What's up, mino-tards?
What's up, Wheeler?
My dick!
"My dick!"
Everybody, we're here to celebrate my best friend, Danny!
We just work together. Not "best friend."
Be nice.
Danny's been working here 10 years!
That's almost a decade of living the dream.
You're the man, Danny!
I want to grow old with you, Danny.
Hopefully, we'll be tasting the beast
for the rest of our lives together!
Yeah! All right!
It's early morning The sun come out
Last night was shaking And pretty loud
This is a nightmare.
Come on. I took the afternoon off.
There's cake! Let's try and enjoy ourselves.
Mitch from Graphics, take over!
Do it! Let's go next!
Come on. It'll be fun. No.
Why not? Come on. We'll do a duet!
Getting up in front of a group of people
and singing is not my idea of fun. All right?
It's humiliating.
With another sin
I'm gonna sing.
Here I am
Ow!
Rock you like a hurricane
Come on, come on, come on, come on! Yeah, yeah!
Here I am
Come on. Sing it!
Rock you like a hurricane
Danny?
What is your problem?
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I'm not Wheeler, happy in some brainless job,
no goals, no ambition.
Hey, you don't know how Wheeler feels.
For all you know, he hates his job as much as you do.
I love this job!
Hey, Wheeler! She's tasting your beast!
Good morning. Can I take your order?
Can I get a tall chai?
And a large black coffee.
A what?
Large black coffee.
Do you mean a venti?
No, I mean a large.
He means a venti. Yeah, the biggest one you've got.
Venti is large.
No. Venti is 20.
Danny.
Yeah. "Large" is large. In fact, "tall" is large.
And grande is Spanish for large.
Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large.
It's also the only one that's Italian.
Congratulations! You're stupid in three languages.
Look, dick. Venti is a large coffee.
Really? Says who? Fellini?
How much is that? Here's a 10.
Do you accept lira, or is it all euros now?
You know what, just keep the change.
Jesus, Dan. You know what they call the sizes here.
You know what, you've been picking fights with everybody.
The girl at the party... She said ASAP.
ASAP, I'm sorry. Huge crime.
It's like "24l7" or "been there, done that." You hate that, too.
I don't hate it enough to let it ruin my day.
It's getting worse. You know, man? The sun is shining,
but you have lost the ability to take any joy in life.
I can't stand it anymore!
You're just a miserable dick now!
You're mean to everybody!
And, FYI, it's called a venti because it's 20 ounces!
20! Venti!
Is that true?
She says I take no joy in life.
I can see that.
I gotta talk to her.
Forget her, man.
Let me give you a little motto I live my life by,
you got to hit it and quit it.
No ties, tangle free.
Nobody tells me what to do.
I go bang, bang, bang the drum.
What? That's not a motto.
That's just you saying a bunch of things.
You know, Beth's right. I'm a dick.
Hey, I'm in a rut, just going from school to school
selling poison to our nation's youth.
It's not poison. It's got juice in it.
You know, I'm 35 years old.
I got nothing to show for my life.
I figured I'd be something,
something good, a professor, engineer.
I don't know.
Figured I'd be married. I'd...
You know what? We're making a detour. What?
We're making a detour. Where?
Dude, you're too jacked up on Minotaur. This is a mistake.
It's fine. Look, I'll be right back.
Hey, we gotta be at the Blue Valley Middle School by 1:30.
Yep!
No, I don't want to plea-bargain.
I didn't do it.
Mr. Garvin, I just don't know what other options we have, you know,
because they have this clear videotape of you stealing
a lot of TVs. Guys! Go, go, go.
That could be any bald guy.
Look at me. Me, David Garvin, stealing TVs.
Who would believe it?
That is not me.
Hey, hi. I need to talk to you.
Danny, I'm with a client, so we'll talk later.
I can go. No, no. You stay.
I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me.
Excuse me one...
Thank you. What? Fast.
All right, you were right.
I'm a dick. I'm a dick!
You're dickish. Yes, I'm dickish.
I'm a dickish dick, and I'm in a rut. We're in a rut.
Let's shake things up. I have an idea.
Let's get married. I don't have a ring.
Are you serious?
Mazel tov! No.
Never mind. What?
No. Why?
Because despite this very well thought out and romantic proposal,
I'm not that interested in becoming Mrs. Dick-in-a-rut.
Heard that. Really?
Did you hear that? Danny?
Maybe you heard that because you're 2 feet away from us.
That's another one I hate. "Heard that!"
You don't get married to get out of a rut.
You get married because you love someone
and you don't want to spend your life without them.
Who is this guy? Thank you, Mr. Garvin. He's a thief.
Falsely accused.
Oh, well. He looks like Phil Collins.
Yeah. I know.
Look, life is hard, all right?
We've lived together for seven years... You know what?
Danny, life is hard, and you've become the hardest part of my life.
I should really go.
No, you sit down.
You know, Danny?
We do need to shake things up.
I know! That's what I'm saying!
I'm moving out.
Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me?
Yeah.
Really?
Wow.
Today sucks.
Look, Danny, whenever a door closes, another opens, okay?
You just have to look for it.
And, seriously, you're gonna get
the most insane sympathy-rebound pussy.
And this is a good month for that, too.
I don't want that.
Look, just keep it together, bro.
Okay? We got one more school.
We go out, we'll have a few brewskis, we'll talk this over.
Just put your game face on.
Taste the beast! Stay off drugs!
Minotaur!
Drugs. Why do kids take drugs?
'Cause they're awesome?
No? Maybe they just understand that life is pain,
and if you smoke something or take a pill, it'll go away for a while.
I'll drink to that.
Dude, dude, dude, dude. Come on.
No, no, no.
People say, "Embrace life. Enjoy life.
"Just do it! Live it! Rock it!"
Fuck it, because life is horrible.
You know, I may not be so happy-go-lucky, but I'm a realist.
Get ready to have your dreams dashed, kids,
'cause nothing's gonna work out
the way you think it's going to.
Chin-chin. By the way, this stuff's poison.
Game face, bro. Game face.
What part of "game face" do you not understand?
What the...
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Dude, I thought we could park here.
And you thought wrong, you furry faggot.
Please, just flip the switch and put it down.
It's too late. It's already up.
Come on, please.
Put yourself in my shoes, would you?
Not my problem.
Dude, please, could you just be decent?
I'm having a terrible day.
Well, since you put it that way, it's still not my problem.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, man, can I ask you a question?
Get the fuck out of the way, asshole!
You want me to move?
Game face, buddy.
Danny?
What's he doing?
He's running. We're running.
We're running!
No, no.
Hey, what are you... What are you... Get...
I'm the guy that can't enjoy life? Wrong!
I'm gonna enjoy this! Right!
Wait, what?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, man, what you doing?
Whoa, whoa! Danny!
Hey, man!
Holy shit, man!
Dude!
Taste the beast!
Stay off drugs.
You guys are fucked.
I told you, you asshole!
Beth? Yes, Wheeler?
I just want to start by saying I think you're amazing, okay?
You're, like, beauty and brains incarnate.
So, FYI, there you go. Okay?
Now, that's that, so as far as this goes, I didn't do anything here,
so if you wouldn't mind, you can clear my name,
and I can just walk right out of here.
Really? Because according to this, you were a party to...
A party to, not the party.
...reckless endangerment, destruction of school property,
obstructing a police officer, attempted grand theft auto,
disturbing the peace, parking in a no-parking zone.
Did I ever tell you you're a dick?
Yeah. Earlier.
And, Danny, they suspended your license. Did you know that?
Yeah. I figured they would probably do that.
I mean, did you guys think this was funny?
You know, if you think about it, this is kind of your fault.
My... How is this my fault?
It's your fault because you just threw it all away,
and I came in here, I proposed to you...
Your proposal was bullshit!
But it was real. It was from the heart!
Shut up! Okay? Shut up!
What's gonna happen?
They wanted to give you 30 days in jail.
What?
But I worked my magic on the judge,
and instead, over the next 30 days,
you have to log 150 hours of community service.
Community service? What, we got to clean toilets?
No, you're going to Sturdy Wings.
It's the judge's favorite organization.
Yes, Wheeler?
What the fuck is Sturdy Wings?
Sturdy Wings is a simple concept.
We bring adults and children together in a structured format
to enhance the lives of these children
through one-on-one friendships.
People ask me, "Gayle, how did you
"come up with such a life-altering program?"
And I tell them I spent a lot of time alone as a kid.
My father was a traveling salesman.
My mother, out of necessity, was a whore.
During adolescence, I hungered for guidance
from a committed, caring adult.
In my 20s and 30s, I suffered through an endless cycle
of failed relationships and constant feelings of inadequacy.
A mere 12 years ago, I was a raging alcoholic.
To make matters worse, I had a massive drug addiction,
no money, no job, no hope.
But at that moment, I knew what I had to do.
Used to be addicted to pills.
Now I'm addicted to helping.
And when you're addicted to helping,
you don't need an intervention.
Because sometimes in life, everybody needs...
Sturdy Wings! Sturdy Wings!
A little lovin' Yeah, yeah, yeah
We need a little love Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
A little lovin' Yeah, yeah, yeah
See, that's me?
Okay, then.
Welcome, everybody.
You know, it's particularly exciting for me to have a new batch of Bigs
to match up with a new group of kids, or Littles,
as we call them here at Sturdy Wings.
I see a familiar face.
Guilty as charged.
I'd already prefer jail.
All right. Let's move right along here.
Schedule-wise, you can elect to spend
as much time with your Little...
Hey. Or as little time.
It takes a village.
Hmm?
Hillary Clinton. I'm sort of into politics.
I'm sort of engaged.
I sort of have a boner.
Okay.
Got lots of handouts, information to cover,
so let's get started.
First time with the program?
Oh, God, really?
Wheeler, switch with me. No way, dude.
Martin Gary. I can always spot a newbie.
It's my fifth year with Wings.
I guess Paul McCartney's got nothing on me, huh?
Love, take me down to the streets
That's not a Wings' song.
Yeah, that's one of their hits from the '70s.
I'm not sure which one. It's not a... It's not.
It isn't? No.
I think it might be. No, it's not. Nobody sings that song.
I don't know about that. I'll have to google it.
That's right, some kids are allergic to their own sweat.
So probably best to put the kibosh on physical activity.
Maybe play a boardgame or tell a knock, knock joke.
Oh!
Martin!
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Mike Snifferpipits.
Mike Snifferpipits who?
Mike Snifferpipits who? How many Mike Snifferpipits do you know?
Come on! Let me in. It's cold out here!
Jeez.
Martin, come on up here.
Let's do a little dimostrazione.
This...
Ah!
Perfectly acceptable hug between a Little and a Big.
Ooh, la la!
This is not.
Well, obviously we're not supposed to butt-fuck these kids.
Well, it looks like I'm out of handouts.
So why don't we take a little break, get a cup of joe?
I know I'm gonna put mine right in here.
And then when you come back, it'll be time to meet... Drum roll, please.
...your Little!
I cannot wait to meet mine.
I'm going to take them to the zoo,
Because I heard that the giant panda bear
has a little baby panda bear,
and there's just nothing cuter
than a little baby panda bear...
Yeah, I can't do this.
Danny, stop.
We will get raped in jail. Do you understand?
What's the point?
I mean, I've got nothing to give a kid.
If you were a kid, would you want to hang out with me?
Hey, do you want to get raped?
Hello, gentlemen.
Hey.
You probably heard that out of context. Excuse me?
When I asked my friend Danny if he wanted to get raped.
I want you both to listen to me, okay? And listen good.
I know why you're here, so don't BS a BSer.
Okay? Your "presence" here, court-ordered.
Why did you put "presence" in quotes?
Are you implying that we're not here?
You know, one call to the judge from me,
and you are in the slammer, like M.C. Hammer.
Did M.C. Hammer go to prison?
Yes, he did.
Or he came extremely close.
I'm certain he filed for bankruptcy, so don't BS me right now, okay?
I don't understand. How are we BSing you?
Exactly. I'm BS-proof.
Here's a couple of time sheets.
You'll want your little buddies' parents to sign them after each outing, okay?
And that way, I can use my BS flyswatter to swat away the flies
that is your BS.
Okay? Any questions?
Hey, little Littles, your Bigs are here!
Okay. That's good fun!
Danny, your Little is elsewhere. Why don't you come with me?
Oh, man.
I've heard of popcorn in the face, but this is ridiculous.
Brothers in arms, follow me!
The evil King Argotron has us cornered.
My fair lady Esplen, Goddess of Navalore.
I fight for your honor.
You wish to kiss me?
There's precious little time.
What the hell.
No! No. More later! Now I must fight!
Your kid's name is Augie Farks, a little older than most of the kids.
Oh.
Um, that...
I wasn't really 100% yet.
Don't judge me by that move that...
I'm not gonna get in trouble, right?
This is just... This is just soft foam and duct tape. It can't harm anyone.
No worries, my liege.
Okay!
This is Danny. He wants to be your new friend.
So I'm gonna let you guys get to know each other,
and I'll fade into the mist.
How's it going?
That's a nice routine you worked out.
I hope you weren't planning on slaying me.
Wonderful.
Come on, Wheeler. Let's meet your kid. His name's Ronnie.
He's one of our youngest. Single mom, full-time job.
Signed him up about six weeks ago. Matched him up with eight different Bigs.
No one's lasted more than a day,
but I think you're perfect because you're young, you're fun,
and you don't wanna go to prison.
That's scary!
Oh!
And FYI, you're playing on this girl's court now, okay?
So you're playing by her rules. Are you the coach?
I am the coach. I'm the coach, and I'm the point guard,
I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard.
I'm the entire organization.
Hey, there, Ronnie. How you doing today? Doing a little drawing?
That's cool.
I want you to meet someone really special.
And I think you two dudes are gonna become real homeys.
Ronnie, this is Anson.
Wheeler's good.
Whatever.
Hey, big guy. What you doing here?
What up, Ronnie? It's good to meet you.
What you drawing there?
Oh. Beyoncé. She's smoking!
I don't want to take my pants off!
What? Whoa, whoa!
All right, Ronnie. That's enough.
This bitch tried to grab my joint!
Language, Ronnie!
My language is English!
And this motherfucker tried to grab on my hang-down.
I got my own hang-down to touch, kid.
Honky-ass wanted a handful of my balls!
Honky? That's racist.
Well, I trust you two will work this out. I'm not gonna micromanage.
Not my modus operandi.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do with this kid.
Me, either. I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch, he'd come in his pants.
I've been talking to him for half an hour. Kid's barely said a word.
Maybe we should just go to jail. It's 30 days.
Whoa!
I don't know if this is some kind of joke to you, Danny,
but I actually like my life, okay?
Now, if I go to jail, I'm gonna lose my job. Listen.
We go to prison, you're never gonna get Beth back.
We come home after 30 days, she's banging her boss. I guarantee it.
Really? She's gonna be banging Patricia Feingold?
Her boss is a chick?
Oh, Jesus.
Danny, just listen, okay? We're a team. All right? You and me.
We can do this. We just got to stick together.
Fine. Good.
So, what do you do with kids?
Hey, kids! We Chip Monks just broke our vow of silence, and we want to sing!
We are the monks of chip monk Charlie's
We will give you food to eat
And once it's in our tummies
We will move our chip monk feet
We are the butts of Chip Monk ass
But we've got the ass...
Come on! Sit down!
All right? Please. Danny.
I like Ronnie's version better.
I like how it evokes the concept of ass and butt.
Okay. Thanks.
Don't throw shit, Ronnie. Come on.
How many hours do we have left?
So, do you like Coca-Cola?
I like the idea of it more than I actually like it.
Ooh! They got chicken fingers.
I'm gonna run a train on these chicken fingers.
I'm just gonna be like...
Let me guess. You're not really rolling with the ladies in school, are you, Augie?
Oh, no. I'm really good friends with the school nurse. She's a divorcée.
So, Aug, it's a pretty interesting cape.
Are you like a superhero or something?
Yeah, I wish.
No, this is... This is part of my battle attire for Laire.
What the hell is Laire?
It's this fantasy world where anything is possible.
One minute you could be sparring with an elf,
and the next you could be battling against a troll who wants nothing more
than just to steal your gold and leave you penniless!
Sounds gay.
No, no. There's girls there.
Girls can be gay.
If by gay you mean the old English definition
of "fun, enjoyable and carefree," then, yes, it's extremely gay.
I think they meant the other definition.
I know, but to understand it, you really have to see it for yourself.
Okay.
Hey, pick us up in two hours.
Fuck you, Miss Daisy!
So, Augie, why do they call it Laire?
It's Live Action Interactive Role-playing Explorers.
We're all divided into countries,
fighting a never-ending war to control the realm.
Or until they have to clear you out for soccer practice.
Oh!
Greetings, nobleman!
Any friend of Blufgan's is a friend of Kuzzik,
fifth son of Leponius, earl of Ringor.
Diana has put her bosom away.
Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched.
May I present to you my vassal, Artonius?
Greetings, friends.
Greetings.
Tell me, Blufgan, art thou preparing for the Battle Royale?
'Tis a mere month away.
Aye, my lord.
Huzzah, huzzah!
Godspeed, Blufgan, and all hail Xanthia!
Hail, Xanthia! Hail, Xanthia!
Rub-a-dub-dub!
What the fuck just happened there?
They're my kinsmen.
We're all from Xanthia.
We're a smaller country, but we're no Cacedonia, Danny.
Ow! Don't hit so hard! Okay.
Hi, Blufgan.
Hey! Hey, Esplen.
Blufgan! Blufgan! Blufgan!
All right, Gleebo. One more.
I should have never started feeding the goddamn elves.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, master handler.
Whoa! Who's that dork?
That's the king.
Well, I should have guessed. Nothing says royalty like The Burger Hole.
Yeah, he and his lackeys eat there before every battle.
His majesty approaches. Oh, crap!
His royalty approaches!
Long live the king.
What are you doing?
You have to kneel before the king.
Bow down, little girl. Little girl, bow down, bow down.
Why?
Because he's the king. I beg you!
No.
Damn it.
Hey, pull over to the mini-mart and get me some OJ,
and not that from-concentrate shit.
Would it kill you to say please?
It might.
"Concentrate. Not from concentrate. Pulp. Low pulp.
"Lots of pulp."
Well, well, well.
Hey. Fancy meeting you here. What, are you stalking me?
Had to get my bagel-dog fix. So how's little Ronnie?
Oh, you were right about us being a great match. Yeah.
You know, like at Christmas when you get a gift? That's what Ronnie is.
A gift. I love him so much.
Wow. Well, that's very nice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gots to get my Slurpee on.
Well, watch this though first.
Look at that. What does that look like?
Okay.
Open the door, Ronnie.
You forgot to say "please."
Please open the door, or I'll pour your juice out.
I don't drink juice, biatch!
Come on. Hey. Ronnie.
Oh, no. Don't turn that engine on. I swear to God...
Okay. Okay. Joke's over, buddy.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Good one! Good one, Ronnie! Now open the fucking door!
Ronnie! What are you doing?
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude!
What are you doing?
Baby! Yeah!
Don't you run me over!
Oh, no!
Ouch! Watch it!
Hey!
Oh, yeah. So good. Good times.
You're on thin ice, buddy.
Then quit.
I never quit.
Give me my damn juice.
Oh, this juice? Yeah, that juice.
Fucking asshole.
Punk bitch.
The lad had seasoned his mutton with wine berry and not mead!
Hey, did you see that spell of unbreakable madness I casted on those orcs?
I don't think so.
The length of a moon, hence "honeymoon."
Eight hours down, 142 to go.
This sucks ass.
Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth
with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right?
Give me a fucking break.
I got fucking carjacked.
Yeah? Well, I got dumped.
You deserved it!
I hate your face.
Ronnie! Ronnie! Take the wheel!
Yeah. What are you doing?
That is not safe! He can't drive!
This is unsafe.
Okay, stop! Stop! Okay!
What the fuck? I'm driving! What...
Oh, my God!
Nice. Look what you started.
Happy now? I'm gonna kill you!
What did I do?
So I guess I'll pick you up tomorrow around 9:00?
Uh, could we make it 10:00?
Kid, you wanna spend some hours together or not?
Dude, if I'm gonna have to chauffeur your asses around, let's make it 10:00.
Yeah.
Hey, Danny, you wanna come see my turtle?
I'm fine.
Of course he has a turtle.
See you tomorrow, Ronnie.
Fuck you, Anson!
Never gets old.
Wait, wait, wait.
You bitch!
Oh, my God. She's moving out.
Dude, that's harsh.
Shit.
Wow, you weren't kidding around.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I wanted to be gone by the time you got home.
No, it's all right. This is better, you know.
Now we get to share the moment with Wheeler and...
Becca and Sarah.
Yeah, and Becca and Sarah.
Who you've met, like, 127 times.
I know. Keys.
Beth, come on. You don't have to do this.
I left you the Crock-Pot.
I know you like chili.
I know it's really hard for you right now, but I just want you to know that
when you love something, you set it free,
and if it's meant to be, you just...
You take it back, and it comes...
Yeah, I know where you're going with it.
Yeah, and if she doesn't come back, I'd go for that friend of hers in the sweater.
I know she's a few pounds overweight, but, you know, in my experience,
it's the bigger ones that do way more stuff.
Good talk, Wheeler.
Pick you up at 10:00.
Hi, Ronnie.
How are you today? What are you doing here?
I told you I'd pick you up at 10:00, right?
But I thought you'd pussy out.
Well, you see? It's wonderful. We're learning so much about each other.
Hey! You must be Wheeler.
I'm Karen. Hi, Karen.
Wow, you look way too young to be Ronnie's mother.
What are you, the babysitter?
You're funny.
You're gonna need that sense of humor if you're gonna keep up with my son.
It's about time Sturdy Wings found someone who could.
Yeah, well, I think that Ronnie's a great little dude.
"A great little dude"? You're cute.
You ready, pal?
I ain't your pal, vanilla.
Karen, would you mind signing my hours sheet?
Sure. Great.
Well.
All right. You boys have fun.
His idea of fun is a fucking pottery class, yo.
Hey. Hey, hey. Watch your mouth, little man.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I got shotgun!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop. Who are you? What do you want?
I'm Danny from Sturdy Wings. I'm here for Augie.
Oh. I'm sorry. Augie, right. He'll be out in a minute.
Let me ask you something,
because you're one of these guys that's good with kids, right?
Yeah. Totally.
'Cause, the kid, man, I don't get it.
He's into dragons and fairies
and, you know, hoboes.
Right.
So, I mean, what am I supposed to say to him?
Yeah. I don't know. I don't...
Hey, but while I've got you here in my personal space,
I was wondering if you could maybe sign off on my hours from yesterday.
Oh, no, I don't... I'm not the kid's parent.
No, that's... Parental signatures are mama's department. One second.
Lynette! Augie's little buddy's here. He needs your signature.
Oh! Hi! Hi.
I'm Lynette. I'm Danny.
So good to meet you. You, too.
I was wondering if you could maybe sign my hours sheet from yesterday.
Sure!
You know, we are so thrilled that you are gonna be spending some time with Augie,
because, you know, just how he is.
How is he?
I'm just glad you're gonna be getting him out of his own little world a bit.
It's like, "Get out of here! Leave home!"
Hey, why don't you come over for dinner on Saturday night,
and we can get to know you a little bit better?
I don't think so. It's not you. I hate having dinner with people.
Hey, Augie, ready to...
Yeah, let's go. Yeah.
I think they're over here.
I'm disappointed. This isn't gonna hurt anybody.
So, your parents... Wow.
Jim is not my dad.
Okay. Well, that's probably good.
Hey, hey, Odeon. Make way for King Argotron!
Dude.
Bow as your daughter does.
Xanthians.
Why bother?
Good one, sir.
Man, why do you bow for that guy?
Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.
He rules the entire realm? Yeah.
My bad. Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?
You know, Augie, maybe you should think about losing the cape.
At least in public.
People tend to avoid people in capes.
I know that's not the case here.
Look at these people.
I like these people. No, I know.
But, you know, this isn't reality. It's not the real world.
I know that, but in this world, I don't have to be me.
I'm stuck again!
Well, looks like maybe one of your people could use a hand.
Help! Help! Help! Her, I don't like.
Okay. This is my place.
Shit hole.
Look, kid, you're obviously not a big fan of me, and that's okay,
but I think there's something to be gained
from us spending 139 more hours together.
Yeah.
You know, my dad left me when I was young,
so I know it sucks,
but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Says the punk living in the shit hole.
Who are these clowns?
Kiss?
You don't know who Kiss is?
No. Never heard of them.
They look like idiots to me.
No, no, no, dude.
These are four of the smartest guys who ever lived.
They're these Jewish guys that grew up in New York,
and they put on guitars and makeup to get girls,
and all of their songs are about fucking!
I'm listening.
Seriously, this song is called Love Gun, and it's about Paul Stanley's dick
and how this girl's gonna get some of his dick!
Cool.
I didn't know Jews could sing like that.
No. No. They couldn't at the time. That's why they had to dress like clowns.
This got them girls?
Get this! They've been getting pussy nonstop for 30 years!
They're probably fucking right now, and they're old dudes!
They put makeup on, and it's all good!
No shit?
You pull the trigger of my
Love gun
You see, Ronnie? His dick is the gun!
Love gun
Okay, we logged 14 hours this weekend.
That's not gonna be enough.
Somehow we gotta get them on the weekdays, too.
Hey, we could pretend to be their uncles, pull them out of school.
That just sounds kind of creepy.
Yeah, I guess.
Hey! Sexy like a chocolate strawberry.
What's her problem?
I don't know.
I mean, you laid that genius line on her.
I can't believe she didn't take your bait.
I know, right?
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit.
In what way are we full of shit?
Which one of us has the Ph. D?
So how was your first weekend with the boys?
It was great. We did 14 hours. Will you sign our sheets?
Maybe give us a few more, just for kicks? Round it up to 50?
Don't you sass me.
What, do you think I'm a pushover? You know what I used to eat for breakfast?
Cocaine.
You know what I used to eat for lunch?
Cocaine.
What'd you have for dinner? Was it cocaine?
I will sign your sheets, but you need to know I am not here to service your hours.
I'm here to service these young boys.
Do you think I give a shit if you guys go to prison?
I've been to prison. I have.
I've been to prison.
A prison of drugs, alcohol and sick thoughts.
I used to have sick thoughts.
So don't you come in here,
preaching to me about hours
when you're standing over there, and you're standing over there,
and I don't know which way is up!
Um... Should we come back?
We can come back. Yeah.
Come here.
We're having an overnight camping trip, Big Bear this weekend.
I suggest that you ask your Littles to go with you.
Maybe worry a little bit about them and not so much about your hours.
Overnight? That's great. Sign us up.
And, fellas, will you do me a favor?
Next time you want to bullshit me,
bullshit each other instead, okay?
See how that feels.
Okay. Yep.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
All right.
I hate camping.
You could use a little dose of the outdoors.
Camping blows. It's dirty, and I don't like sleeping on rocks.
Bring some Ambien. You'll sleep like a baby.
There's always a guy with an acoustic guitar that doesn't quite know how to play it.
Kumbaya, my...
Wait. I know it.
Kumbaya
You know. Wait. I know it. Wait.
Kumbaya, my Lord
No. Wait. Oh, yeah, I got it.
This is it.
I think that's got it.
God damn it, Ronnie!
What? 'Cause I'm black, you think I did it?
No, 'cause you did it is why I think you did it.
Let me tell you something. I am not your Big, and I'll hit you.
I will hit a child.
I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.
Let's dance, Ben Affleck!
Ronnie! Leave him alone.
Fine!
But I'm watching you, Daredevil.
Looks like you guys could use a hand up here.
Come on, man! Just having some fun.
Let's take a hike. Thank you.
Don't worry. Once the little ones are asleep, I'll break out the PG stuff.
Kumbaya, huh?
You don't happen to know any Wings, do you?
Wings? Yeah.
Love, take me down to the streets
Yeah!
Man! She got some boobies on her!
You sure do like boobies, Ronnie.
I sure do.
Sometimes I call myself the Booby Watcher.
Even got my own comic book. Adventures of the Booby Watcher.
Okay. You know, I got a theory about boobies.
Really? Yeah.
You see, there are as many women as there are men on this planet.
True that, true that.
And every woman has two boobs, for the most part.
So therefore, there's twice as many boobs as there are men.
We're outnumbered, and it's overwhelming.
We're powerless. We have to accept it.
I like your take on boobies.
And I like boobies.
Kid, you got a lot to learn.
I know what I'm doing. Really?
So you're aware that you've committed one of the most
common rookie boob-watching errors?
What you mean?
Never stare at the boobies, kid.
Yeah, once you get caught, the game's over.
But how? It's called training.
You know, being aware without drawing attention.
You don't think I've noticed the 34-C's in the camouflage tank top
setting up the tent directly to the left of us?
How about those twin cannons hiking up the mountain ridge 50 yards due west?
Or the ridge itself?
Round mounds of grass shaped like...
Boobies!
Don't look over there. Look here.
Yeah, focus. You'll get it.
Too bad old Sweeny herself couldn't come up here for this trip.
That would have been fun, huh?
Yeah. A real blast.
Yeah, she probably just had to hold down the fort.
You got a thing for Sweeny, Martin?
Sweeney? Me? No. Now that is a knee slapper.
Your erection is showing.
What?
You okay?
Nature.
Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual
where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons,
then fall towards the earth while rotating,
separating moments before they crash into the ground,
if, and only if, they consummate their bird fuck?
If they don't, they're willing to accept death by hard ground.
It's the ultimate race against the clock.
Why are you telling me this?
Why would I not?
Hi, Danny.
I forgot to tell you, they'll be telling
Ghost stories later.
You should stop by.
And as the barn door creaked open, ever so slowly,
standing there with the moon at his back
and holding the severed head of the pediatrician's mother in his hand,
was Philip,
the pizza delivery boy
from when they ordered pizza at the beginning of the story!
Come on, you guys!
All right. Whatever! Hey, come here.
You guys are unscareable.
Think you can do better? Who's got a better story? Come on.
You guys are so smart. Who's got a scarier story than me?
Yes? So what's up?
I don't know. What's up with you?
I know you're engaged. I haven't forgotten.
Uh-huh.
So what's this?
Ooh.
Those are my testicles.
Yeah.
Listen, I have an arrangement with my fiancé.
I'm completely faithful to him within the area codes of greater Los Angeles.
Out here, I'm just another woman who's ready to cheat.
Give me two minutes.
How about you, Daniel? You think you can top it?
It's Danny. Oh.
Oh, Danny boy The Danny boys are Danny boys
Come on, man! We're on pins and needles. Give us a story.
Okay, I've got a really good horror story,
and it's particularly terrifying because it's true.
Oh, a true story!
In countries all over the world, including our own,
children, many of them just like you,
are abducted and sold
into the world of underground sex trafficking.
What is he saying? Okay!
I'm gonna stop you there, Danny boy. That is a scary story.
Story time is over! Everybody, let's break into our groups.
Group A, come with me for Martin's midnight mystery hike.
And group B, go with Duane. What you got on tap, Duane?
We are gonna make some s'mores using white chocolate.
Oh.
Well, I'm not sure I agree with that, but to each their own.
Hey, hey, Danny. Is this all your Ambien?
Yeah.
Okay, 'cause Connie and I are gonna take some,
and then we're gonna stay up as late as we can,
because if you fight the urge to go to sleep,
things start to get all trippy, and then we're gonna fuck.
Connie who's engaged.
Oh, yeah.
You know what? Don't worry about it. We'll make do with three each.
Fight it. Come on. Stay awake.
You know, a lot of people don't realize that bushes, just like flowers,
emit a wonderful aroma, especially at night.
Who wants to sniff this bush?
So Ronnie's out on some kind of hike.
Where's Wheeler?
He's having sex with a married lady.
Oh.
Are you sewing? Yeah.
This is my country's emblem.
Do you think we can speak in private for a second?
Yeah. Yeah.
I already talked to Kuzzik and Artonius,
and we would like to officially invite you to be a soldier in the Xanthian army.
Well, that's very kind of you, but I would like to respectfully decline.
I'm kind of a pacifist.
I don't really believe in imaginary bloodshed.
But there's room in Laire for all belief systems.
Even early barbaric modalities have their place.
Augie, look, you're a good kid. I like you,
but I'm not really into the whole buddy-buddy,
let's-go-do-stuff-together kind of thing.
Well, why are you here?
It's court-ordered.
What did you do?
I just had one of those days where you wake up and say,
"Where did the last 10 years of my life go?"
I asked my girlfriend to marry me out of impulse.
She dumped me.
And then I ran a truck that looks like a bull into a statue of a horse.
I'm not here by choice either, by the way.
No?
My guidance counselor signed me up.
Really? Yeah.
Said anyone who wears a cape and has a sword should have more friends.
Whoop-dee-doo, right?
So both of us don't want to be here.
No.
Well, we got that in common.
So do you have a girlfriend?
No. What?
Why would you ask... No, I don't have a girlfriend.
But what about that girl you're always looking at, with the cap and the...
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on! Don't bullshit me.
You're alwaysmlooking at her.
You mean Esplen, the Goddess of Navalore?
I don't know. Probably.
Her name's Sarah.
Sarah.
Ah, Sarah.
You ever talk to her?
No.
I've killed her a couple of times in battle, but that's not really anything.
Talk to her.
No, I can't talk to her.
Romance her. Give her that patch of yours. She'll love it.
No, I can't give her this.
She'll be flattered! Why not?
I made it for you.
You made that for me?
Yeah.
Great. Now I gotta do it.
Yeah, that kind of was my plan.
That was so low, dude.
No. Come on, Connie. Stay awake.
Fuck.
I gotta pee.
Yep.
Hey! Martin!
Okay.
What are you doing out here?
I'm just doing my perimeter check.
Hey, did you know that dinosaurs are not extinct?
Because birds are dinosaurs, and they're everywhere.
Okay!
Now, all right.
I gotta pee. I really gotta pee.
Look at that.
Yo, Wheeler! You in there?
Oh, my God.
Dude. Nice, man.
Oh, boy.
This is a classic case of guy on the ground.
I'm sorry. I don't care.
Okay.
So I heard there was some sex on the trip
and some drugs, too.
Only thing missing was rock 'n' roll.
What was Danny doing with those Ambiens?
He has trouble sleeping outdoors.
How did Wheeler come to be naked in the center of camp?
He was sleepwalking.
Danny ever offer you drugs? Well...
Answer me. No, ma'am.
Did Wheeler ever expose himself to you?
Hell no!
Fellows? These young gentlemen here have decided your fates.
If it was up to me, I'd lock you both up, but the boys are saying you're okay.
This is your last chance. Start acting like Bigs.
Thanks, guys.
Suck it, Reindeer Games!
I'm not Ben Affleck.
You white? Then you Ben Affleck.
Right, Wheeler? Yeah. You are white.
That's true, I am white.
Let's go.
Ready to go?
Yeah. I'm ready. All right.
Excellent!
You are going down!
Don't you mess with my dark arts.
You shall be slain.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
Fuck my cock! Sorry.
I have a question, Wheeler. Yes, JJ.
How many dates do you have to go out with a girl before you get to touch her...
Boobs? Yeah.
Good question.
So you get hit in the arm,
you lose your arm. Yes.
You gotta put it behind you, like this.
You get hit in the leg, you lose the leg.
See you.
So you gotta hop.
You can't use it. You gotta hop around?
Yeah. Yeah, you gotta hop.
And if you get hit in the chest, then you're...
Lifestyle you chose
could lead to dying sad and alone? What?
What about STDs? No. Herpes?
Gonorrhea? At the very least, crabs. What the hell?
I don't have crabs. What have you been telling them, Ronnie?
You got crabs.
Hi.
Come on, whitey, dance! Break it on down! Get it funky!
He's out.
Thank you. Yep.
Call her. Sweep her off her feet.
It's not that easy, Augie.
Just let her know how you feel.
Give her one call.
All right. I'll...
Just get off my back.
Did you know in the 14th century that
knights used to write love songs and poems for the women they loved,
even if she was married?
No, I didn't know that.
Well, there you go.
It's her voice mail.
Hey, Beth. How's it going? It's me.
Tell her her hair is like 1,000 suns. Look, I...
I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together.
I know there's a lot of stuff I'd like to say.
Whispering eye.
So, if you get a chance, give me a call back and...
You long for her whispering eye. We can...
We can see each other.
I'd love to see you.
And her whispering eye.
And your whispering eye.
All right. Bye.
Whispering eye?
It means vagina.
That's a classy move, man.
It means vagina.
Yeah. Get your whispering eye in the cab, Augie.
Vagina!
Hey.
Hi.
Thanks for meeting me.
I got you a venti chai,
which is what they call a large here, which I love.
Wow.
There's a transformation.
Yes, well, you know, I've been doing this community service for almost a month,
and I really feel as if it's given me some perspective on things.
Well, that's great. I hope that's true, Danny.
So let's get married.
Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Wait.
Danny, you are not taking this breakup seriously.
Yeah, because I don't want it.
Do you really think I wanted this?
Look. Hey. This is us.
This is not us.
We have not been us in a while, because you are not you.
Danny, you're not happy.
I've been with you seven years, and it's been getting progressively worse.
And it makes me feel bad about me that I can't make you happier.
Where am I gonna find a girl who hates all the same things I do?
You're so romantic.
Hey. Hey.
"You complete me."
"You had me at 'hello."' Oh, God. Danny.
Come on, Beth. You're not...
You're not hearing what I'm saying to you.
"I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling her to love her."
You don't even know that one.
Hey. Come on.
"Who you gonna call?"
"Ghost Busters." Okay. You know what?
No. I am committing to this breakup. This is the best thing for us.
You can call me if you need legal advice.
Come on! Let's kill some Cacedonians!
And I got a little something-something for you to wear.
Yeah, I'm not gonna wear this.
No?
Soon enough. Soon enough you'll want it.
Yeah.
Yo, Wheeler. What up, dog? You scoundrel. What are you doing, man?
Yo, Hogan's having another party tonight, man. You gotta go.
There's gonna be a lot of sweet-ass pussy there, girl pussy.
Ooh! Uh...
Thanks for the offer. Maybe some other time.
You're the king, Wheeler. You're the king.
Dude, don't give up that sweet-ass pussy on my account.
I'll go with you.
Okay. If you say so.
All right. You're my PIC, Wheeler.
What's a PIC? Partner in crime.
You're my PIC. Just don't cock-block me tonight.
Wouldn't dream of it. We'll have a great time.
We'll go to the party, we'll get some zah,
play some Xbox.
Damn straight.
Countrymen, smell the battle in the air!
Esplen, Goddess of Navalore.
Venus herself would be jealous. Braman, good to see you.
Good morrow, sir! Good morrow to you.
Good morning.
Keep your blades sharp but your wits sharper.
Ah! Gleebo, look at you. A visage.
Men, get ready to dance with swords!
Alack and allay! What lovely vassal has Mercury delivered upon us today
and in such strange and frightful attire?
Let us thank the gods
for sending us such a brave and valiant warrior to Xanthia.
All hail Lunesta.
Hail, Lunesta!
How's it going? Lunesta?
Isn't that a sleeping pill?
Yeah. It's 'cause I send my enemies to their eternal resting place.
"To sleep, perchance to dream."
Well, welcome, Lunesta. We bid you good battle.
Prepare to have your worldview rocked.
Let's do this.
Let's do this, we shall!
The battle begins!
Turn and fight, coward!
You'll never catch me!
What have you got?
The Cacedonians have our kinsmen surrounded.
Leave them for Davith.
Prepare for a Glencracken!
Comrades!
Cacedonia!
The king is unprotected.
I shall approach him from the rear.
God save you!
Oh, fuck me. All right. You got it. I got you.
That's... You look amazing.
Thanks, man.
You're dead.
No way. I killed you.
You didn't kill me. Now exeunt this battlefield.
Wait a second. That's not fair.
Listen, you little twerp.
You've been slain by the mighty king. Now get lost,
and take some pride in dying an honorable death.
No, but I killed you.
You can't kill me after I already killed you.
Davith of Glencracken.
Yes, my liege.
Didst he slay me?
He doth not slay the king.
You weren't even here when it happened!
Was too here.
Everyone, I'm telling you the truth. I killed the king!
I...
Why don't you believe me? I swear...
Dost the Xanthian weep like a maiden?
Why are you laughing at me?
What are you doing?
Danny, I didn't...
I killed the king. Oh, my God.
You're lying.
Are you calling me a liar? You're a liar.
Danny, just drop it. Let's just get out of here. It doesn't matter.
Are you telling me a kid could slay the mighty king?
Not a real king, but you, yeah.
You're lying. I can tell. Danny, stop.
He killed you. Give him your hat.
It's a crown.
Give him your hat. Danny.
It's a crown, dude!
Dude! You're a liar.
It's a piece of plastic.
Okay, game over.
You both are disqualified from Laire forever.
What? Are you kidding me?
Augie! Augie!
Augie.
Leave me alone.
Look. I'm sorry.
No, you're not sorry. You don't care about any of this!
This is so unfair!
Hey, come on, buddy. I'm not your buddy!
You're only doing this because the judge is making you.
And you know what? That's fine if you don't give a shit,
but you don't have to ruin it for me, because I do give a shit!
I give lots of shits!
Look, it's gonna be okay.
No, it's not gonna be okay!
You're the worst mentor ever! No wonder your girlfriend left you, you asshole!
Yo, Wheeler. What's up, man?
Hey. What's up?
Okay, kid. Let's mingle.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Excuse me, miss. Yes?
You're sexy like a chocolate strawberry.
Who told you to say that?
That's Wheeler,
my PIC.
Nice. Come on, baby!
Pass it. No.
No!
Hey. I'm gonna rock a squirt,
so you watch the kid for a few minutes?
Sure thing. You're the king, Wheeler. You're the king.
Yeah, okay.
Long line.
I've seen longer.
Have we met? I don't know. Have we?
Well, what do you do?
Well, I'm kind of on hiatus right now,
but my job is to dress up like a minotaur and keep kids off drugs.
Well, that's how I know you. I teach at Morgan Elementary.
That's so funny, 'cause I think elementary school is hot.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
No, I don't want to talk to you right now.
Hey, Danny.
You decided to come for dinner. Great. Come on in.
Thanks. God damn it!
What's up his cooz?
I should take a piss more often.
I don't know. I don't got a raincoat.
Don't worry. I'm very pro-choice.
Okay.
God, I'm really kicking your ass.
That's because this is soccer.
Black folks don't play soccer.
That guy's black. Right there.
You sit down, young man.
You have been a bad boy!
I've been bad.
And now you're gonna have to stay after class.
Oh, man. Look.
Even though this is one of my top four all-time fantasies, I can't, okay?
I want to, but I gotta go find my friend.
Oh, yeah?
You sure?
Oh, my God.
Do what you need to do.
He'll be fine. He's 10. Come here.
Let's go.
Uh-oh!
This is how it ends.
Game winner! I win!
Let's go, Michael.
Man, forget you, man.
That's booty, son.
Let's go. I'm ready.
They don't call me the king of this game for nothing!
Wheeler, where you at?
Wheeler? Wheeler. Wheeler.
Wheeler.
So, Danny, you must be glad that you're almost done
with your required time with Augie.
How much time do you have left?
Eleven, 12 hours or so.
Jeez, Augie. You're acting like your goldfish died.
I don't have a goldfish, Jim. You know what I mean.
You're acting like as if you had a goldfish and it died.
Augie kind of got screwed over today.
I killed the king, Mom.
Okay. He killed the king.
All right. All right. Don't encourage him. He did kill the king.
But he was lying to everyone and told everyone that he killed me.
I don't wanna hear any more about your Dungeons & Dragons
or your fruity Cocoa Puffs...
It's all fairyland with him.
We're trying to keep it... We're trying to keep it real.
The Goddess of Navalore saw me cry, Mom.
Hey, Augie, when I was a little kid, I accidentally
crapped my pants in front of a girl I liked,
so I feel your pain.
Well, he likes girls. That's a good thing. That's a surprise to me.
Doesn't matter anyway. He got me kicked out.
What? What? You're kidding me.
They can kick you out?
Yeah, I'm banned. This is a great thing.
Way to go, big guy. Does this mean
we can finally get rid of those boots
and that God-awful cape that you made out of my tablecloth? I'm so sick of this.
I'll burn them up in a...
We'll have a bonfire. We'll make a thing of it.
Don't you want him to wear what makes him happy?
Yes. Yes, I do. Yes.
You know when I want him to wear what makes him happy?
On October 31st. Halloween, go nuts.
Wear lipstick. I don't care.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, dress like a nun. Sure.
We're gonna have a celebration
to celebrate you joining the rest of the world.
Becoming a normal kid. He is a normal kid.
You think he's normal? Yeah, I think he's normal.
You think he's normal. He's normal.
When I was his age,
I had four, five girlfriends at one time. Didn't I tell you that?
He was fucking his cousin.
I wasn't fucking my cousin. I...
We kissed, because I didn't know she was my cousin,
but when I found out, I stopped kissing her, but I fucked her friends.
I fucked my cousin's friends.
I think that Augie is just having kind of a tough time in life,
which sounds pretty normal to me. Life is tough.
It is tough. But you know what? This is my point.
It's tougher when you... With parents like you?
Excuse me? What did you just say?
I said it is tough, but I think it's tougher with parents like you.
I thought that's what you just said.
I don't know how you do it, kid.
I mean, I thought my life sucked. Jesus Christ, I really feel for you.
Okay. That's enough.
Don't listen to them, all right?
Do what makes you happy. You want to wear a cape? Wear a cape.
You want to wear a suit of armor? Who gives a shit?
You know what? I would never have invited you over for moussaka
if I'd known you were gonna be such a prick. Excuse me.
Augie, screw them.
Do what makes you happy. Hey. Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do what makes you happy. Hey, buddy...
I'd like you to leave now, please.
I figure you're probably
not gonna sign my hours sheet now.
Go fuck yourself.
That's what I thought. Hey, Augie, I'm sorry.
Get the hell out.
I'd be psyched if he was my kid. Please.
And you know what, sweetheart?
It's not that we're not psyched that you're our kid.
We're psyched. I'm so psyched, I can't stand it.
Your mom's psyched that you're her kid.
May I please be excused, Mom?
Hey. Where's Ronnie?
Who's Ronnie, dude?
Oh, shit. Ronnie!
Ronnie.
What's up, man? Hey. How you doing?
Ro-Ro.
Anybody see the little kid I was with?
This is Karen, Ronnie's mother.
Ronnie was supposed to be home a few hours ago.
This is Karen again.
Can you guys please call me and let me know where you are?
Ronnie just got in. He walked all the way home. What the hell...
You're out. Look...
No, no, no, no. It's over. You blew it. It's done. Okay?
I hear what you're saying. We're very sorry, but we're 11 hours short.
And you're gonna stay 11 hours short, okay? I don't know.
Parents don't want you hanging around with their kids for some reason.
So you BSed a BSer.
Good for you! I hope you feel good about yourself, God damn it!
You know, I could be back in New York
doing cocaine in the Village, but I'm not.
You know why? Kids come first.
They don't come first for you, do they?
They come second to your selfishness.
So why don't you two guys go home,
put down some lines of selfishness,
which is your blow,
close the shades, take the phone off the hook,
grab a straw and snort?
And don't expect me to testify on your behalf.
You're not Sturdy Wings material.
I think you guys are gonna have to go to jail.
The only thing we can do now
is make a case at the hearing that you did your best.
It's gonna take some serious lawyering on my part.
Yeah. Beth, please. Lawyer the shit out of it.
I just can't promise anything.
Yes, Wheeler? Question.
Maybe a stupid one, but I'm just spit-balling here.
The Get Out of Jail Free card,
is that based on something that exists or...
That wasn't a stupid question.
That's real.
It's real in the game of Monopoly.
Yeah, it's based on true events.
How... What do you mean?
Chance.
I can't believe we're going to jail.
Believe it.
Hey, maybe you'll roll doubles. You know?
If not, you just miss three turns.
Game face, bro.
I told you. Game face.
Enough with the game face, all right?
This isn't beach volleyball.
Is it not? Because, if you think about it,
the net is like your goals in life, and you are the ball.
And you can spike the ball down, or you, over the net.
Shut up, shut up, shut up. Then you go into sidelines.
It's bad enough I'm going to jail.
I can't take it anymore with you yapping away.
Yap, yap, yip, yip.
"Bang your drum, bro." Maybe I should be like you.
"I hate myself, yet I'm better than everyone."
You're one to talk. You took a 10-year-old to a party
and left him so you could go get a blow job.
Hey.
It wasn't a blow job. We fucked.
Please! Watch your language!
Sorry. Sorry.
You are an S- H-I-T-T-Y friend.
He can spell.
I'm not your friend.
Oh.
You wanna go?
Stop it!
There you go, Danny. Now you got no friends.
Sorry.
Hello? Hey, Ro-Ro. It's Wheeler.
So you guys have to be at the courthouse
no later than 3:00 p. m., okay?
All right.
Please, do not be late. No. I know.
No, I'll be there.
You don't always have to get breakfast this time of day.
Hiya, King.
No, no, no. I don't mean to cause trouble.
I just wanted to come by and apologize
for the way that I behaved last time.
I... I lost my temper when I saw you last, and that was regrettable.
Not to mention highly illegal, you jackanape.
I know. It's just that my... Denver omelet?
Right here. Thank you.
It's just my friend was upset, you see,
and he thought he'd stabbed you.
He hadn't. Of course he hadn't.
Go on.
It's just that...
I accidentally cast an unbreakable madness spell on him.
Well, that was stupid. I know, right?
I didn't mean to.
You guys are reckless out there.
Yeah. Unsafe. Okay, I had a protection spell on me. All right?
But it had faded off when you touched me, so don't flatter yourself
thinking you can come back at me, okay,
'cause I would love to see you penetrate me again.
Anyway, I was just wondering
if maybe you could see it in your heart
to let him fight today on the battlefield.
He loves Laire more than anything.
He's just a kid, but he's got the heart of a lion...
Hmm.
...and the eye of the tiger.
Hmm.
More coffee?
No, I'm decaf.
Okay.
If he be so brave,
why doth he not show his face here today?
Do you fight all his battles?
Hmm.
He knows not I'm here.
Hmm.
He hath too much pride.
Hmm.
Magic healing potion. Wizards...
How's it going?
Tell your kinsman
we shall see him on the battlefield today.
Thank you. Thank you, noble king.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
You know you want it.
Now exit my Burger Hole, boy.
Make it known to the Xanthians that if they let Augie fight with them,
we'll destroy each and every one of them, without mercy,
before the first apple-cider break.
Hey, what's up, my PIC?
Ronnie. Ronnie.
To listen to me
and listen good. I am a very animalistic woman,
a very animalistic woman,
and when it comes to my son, I am a lioness,
a black Sheba.
Black Sheba. Yeah, but listen...
I am a lioness,
and that boy is my cub,
and if you let anything bad happen to my cub,
I will claw your ass up until you shit sideways.
Do you understand? Yes.
You'll tear me up so bad that when I shit, it'll come out sideways.
I understand. Okay.
It's just, Ronnie looks up to you. Okay?
He doesn't need another man leaving him behind.
I know. I know. I fucked up, okay?
I... The kid acts so tough,
I didn't know I could hurt him, you know?
I'm determined to make it up to him. All right?
What I'm trying to say is that when I get out of prison,
could I hang out with your 10-year-old son?
Well, you're gonna have to ask him yourself.
Hey. Ronnie.
Um...
Look. I'm sorry, okay?
I know I don't deserve it,
but Sturdy Wings or no Sturdy Wings, I want to be your Big.
Okay. I'm your Little, and you're my Big. I like that.
Can I tell you how deeply, deeply I regret this situation with this latest Big?
It's completely unacceptable, and at Sturdy Wings,
it's not how we roll.
So I'm going to guarantee you that Mr. Gary
is our most experienced and dependable volunteer.
Let me put it this way.
If I had a nickel for every year that I've been with Sturdy Wings,
I would have enough money to
play a game of Pac-Man.
Been five years.
And if I stay with Sturdy Wings for another five years,
then I'll have enough for another round.
Another round of Pac-Man. Right.
Five cents for every year, times five...
That's 25. We get it.
That's 25 cents. That's a quarter.
But the Pac-Man here, I think it's 50 cents.
What are you doing here? I'm breaking you out.
There's a nation at war. Are you in?
Aye.
Aye... I am, too. Come on.
Wheeler hasn't called me back. Are you guys gonna make it or what?
I don't know, Beth. I mean, I can't speak for Wheeler, but I'll be there.
You gotta promise me. Yeah, I promise. I just...
I'm helping Augie with something, and then I'm on my way, okay?
County courthouse, 3:00. All right.
Man, I'm gonna kick some Cacedonian ass.
Yeah, totally.
It's Artonius.
Bid him good morrow.
Greetings, Artonius.
Get ready for some pain.
What? What? Wait. No, no, no. No, you can't do that.
You're out of Xanthia. What are you talking about?
Sorry, Blufgan.
Forget it, Danny.
They said I'm too much of a liability.
They're kicking me out of Xanthia.
What? Are you serious?
Screw them. We'll start our own country.
We can't.
All my costumes have the same colors and same symbols as Xanthia.
And besides, you can't start a country with two people.
No? What's the minimum?
Where you going?
You can't go anywhere. Come on.
What do you want, asshole?
Actually, we need your help.
I can't believe my eyes.
A minotaur!
Augie?
Where are you?
Hear he, hear he.
This is a battle to the last man standing,
and the victor shall rule the realm.
There'll be no magical rejuvenation powder today.
Instead, if you are killed, you are done!
Fight well, and may the best country win!
Stay close, like cotton on a lamb.
Brothers and sisters of the new nation of Kiss-My-Anthia,
I stand here before you not as the Augie Farks you once knew.
Today I stand before you a warrior!
For time eternal,
I have let the naysayers of this world bring me down.
They used to say, "You shouldn't fight.
"You should be embarrassed of yourself.
"You look like a young Marvin Hamlisch."
Well, you know what I say to those naysayers?
I say nay! I will fight!
I will not be embarrassed!
Who the fuck is Marvin Hamlisch?
He wrote the music to The Sting.
That's a good movie.
But I don't care,
'cause in this moment, doing what I love,
I know I have already won.
An honorable, albeit court-appointed, friend once said to me,
"Do what makes you happy."
And nothing would make me happier than to fight alongside you brave men.
When the elders speak of this day,
they will speak of the courage of Kiss-My-Anthia.
Of the Spaceman.
The Demon.
The Starchild.
And me, the Cat!
So let us raise our swords in victory,
crank this shit up to 11,
and let's rip this realm a new asshole!
Yeah!
Yeah! What the fuck are we talking about?
May Xanthia and Kiss-My-Anthia be allies.
King Argotron be damned. We fight with you.
Thank you, friends. Your honor is great.
Come. Let us gingerly touch our tips.
Game on!
Yeah!
Once we pass this point, there's no turning back.
It's a fight to the death!
About time! Let's rip this shit up!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah. Oh, snap! No!
Come on. No!
Augie, what the hell? Your boys just killed me!
Retreat! Go! Like the leopard! Like the leopard!
Oh, Saint Venise!
Et tu, you two?
What the hell's going on?
They killed you, so you have to die an honorable and noble death.
Okay. I think I can do that.
Not bad. Blufgan.
Kuzzik.
Fulfill your destiny, Blufgan.
Yes. Kill the king.
I will. Kill the king.
I will, Kuzzik!
Go. Go.
Take that, you lily-livered coward!
Hey. Hey. Where the hell are you guys?
I cannot stall any longer.
I'm at Jefferson Park. Look. I can't talk right now.
I'm in the middle of battling a Cacedonian.
Beth, I gotta help Augie. I gotta go.
Fucking Cacedonian ass.
What? Hello. What?
Bitch!
Retreat to the castle!
Long live Xanthia!
You lost an arm, honey!
Nice one, dude.
Hey, Esplen. Thanks.
Okay. See you. See you.
Die, coward!
Cacedonia is to rule forever!
What a scene.
Okay. We lost a man, but we can still do this.
It's not the manpower. It's the power of the man.
Shit, this kid really jacks you up.
I want you to go left through these trees.
His lackeys are pretty strong,
but Davith of Glencracken is the one you want.
He's the one built like a brick shithouse.
Leave it to us, Augie.
Good luck, mi amigos!
Thanks for doing this. I'm doing it for the kids, not for you.
Come on.
Feel the steel of my hammer!
Hey, hey! Okay! Okay! I'm dead! I'm dead!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It's fun though, right?
It's a blast. It's contagious. I know.
Totally. Come back next year.
I will. Thanks. Okay.
We need people. Give me your e-mail.
Dude, you saved my life.
I did what any good coworker would do.
I honestly can't say I would do the same for you.
You would, Danny, because you're my friend.
I want to hear you say it.
Come on. Say it.
I'm your friend.
Will you hold me? No.
Kiss on the cheek? No.
Hug me. I don't want to do any of that.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Aren't you dead yet?
Very close, Starchild.
The end is near.
Sleep, friend.
They can't hurt you now.
Right in the ball sack. Fuck.
All right. I'm gonna get a beer.
Hold your ground!
Enclose, stab.
As you command.
Yes, my lord. North.
Davith is gone. Nice work.
Where's Spaceman?
I don't think there's many warriors left, you know.
If I could just get him one-on-one,
I swear I could take him. I could take him down.
Hold up, dude. Methinks I have a plan.
Hey, King! King!
It's that guy from The Burger Hole.
Oh, he seems to be wounded.
Shall I take him out, sire?
Nay. This one is mine.
Well! Well, well.
Looks like thou art fell for the oldest trick in the scroll.
Now you will kneel before the king.
Oh, drag. I really wanted to win that pointy little hat.
It's a crown!
Cacedonia!
You!
Shit.
Argotron. Face me, if ye be brave enough.
Didn't I teach you a lesson the last time?
I think you're afraid I'm gonna kill you again.
Go get them, Augie!
You shut up, whore! My mom is not a whore!
Yes, she is!
He could actually win. It's anyone's game.
Go, Blufgan!
Yo, Augie! Fuck his shit up, man!
Screw it!
Bad decision.
No, it's a good decision.
Oh, shit!
It's okay. I don't need it.
Hey!
Please. No.
Yeah! Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
Yes!
The gods have played a coup.
Blufgan is the last man standing of them all!
All hail King Blufgan!
Hail, Blufgan!
Yeah! Yeah!
What? Esplen is still alive?
Esplen!
I was hiding in the bushes the whole time.
That's a pretty smart strategy.
Thanks. Sorry I killed you.
It's okay.
All hail Queen Esplen of Navalore!
Hail, Esplen!
Game end!
One slice to the king's chest and down like a sack of elderberries!
You did good, Augie.
I mean, a girl did beat you,
but it's definitely not as gay as I thought it would be.
You were incredible. Second place!
That's like a silver medal. Kind of makes you hungry for the gold, huh?
No, but we... Serious, we are very, very proud of you.
Thanks for trying to be nice, Mom. Jim.
Hail, Esplen!
Congratulations.
I can't believe I won.
When I killed you, I was, like, "No way."
Yeah, well, the crown looks very good on you, very regal.
Thanks. I liked your whiskers.
Thanks. Was that eyeliner?
Yeah, I just drew them on.
It looked good.
Thanks. I have two cats, so...
Oh. Okay. Cool.
So, Augie,
now that I'm queen, I was wondering if maybe
you'd wanna be my king?
Yeah. I'd love that.
Should... Should I kiss you now?
Fuck, yeah.
Do you know the song Beth? By Kiss?
You did a really good thing tonight, Wheeler.
Yeah. They'll probably double our sentence
for not showing up to the hearing this afternoon.
Well, listen. I got a long-standing relationship with this judge,
and I don't want to get too graphic, but I used to suck his dick for drugs.
Oh. He got me my junk.
Long story short, you guys are not going to jail.
Are you BSing me? 'Cause I know you're the best BSer.
No, I'm being straight with you, man.
Shit. Thank you.
Whoa! Okay.
Thank you so much. All right.
Hey, what's going on here?
So speaking of whatever you guys were just talking about,
I happen to know a really nice Italian restaurant in Manhattan Beach,
and I would love to take you if you're interested.
Sure, Martin.
I just hope we're talking pasta and not pussy.
Well, I was talking about two adults having some pasta,
and, yes, I was kinda hoping that it would lead to some pussy.
Call it out there.
I mean, what are we after here? Okay.
Quiet down! Quiet down! Gather round, ye nobles!
Beth, I hear you calling
But I can't come home right now
'Cause me and the boys are slaying
And we just can't find the sound
None of these lyrics
Have anything to do with what I want to say
But it's got a pretty melody
And I get to sing your name
That seems pretty cool
Beth, you are so awesome
And I miss you so much
Your beautiful smile
And your positive attitude and your whispering eye
We don't have to get married
But I'm still in love with you
We can just be together
Like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon
Good actors.
Tim and Sue
Beth, I am so lonely without you
And I hope we'll be all right
You and me should make up
Tonight
And the kiss!
Nice.
Hey, what does this look like to you?
Hey. How you doing?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, sir. Yeah.
Put it back in.
Ouch. Ouch. Oh, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
Ow!