(MultiCom Jingle)
Hello there!
(giggling excitedly)
[Narrator] Some movies are so bad they're good.
And there's some movies that are so bad
they're just bad, real bad!
The worst ever made.
And by last count, there were 50 of them.
These truly are the 50 worst films ever
made by human hands.
From guys in gorilla suits to crossdressers
to armless kung fu masters, there are some
you have probably seen, some you can't
believe you've seen, and many you will
never, ever want to see again.
But they're all here from worst to god awful.
So sit back and lower your standards,
because here are the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made!
(triumphant orchestral music)
[Narrator] He dares to enter the street dressed in
the clothes he so much desires to wear.
Glen is engaged to be married to Barbara.
Glen's problem is a deep one, but he must tell her, soon.
She's begun to notice things.
Soon she will realize.
[Narrator] Starting the list is a film that was
not only written and directed by the notorious
Ed Wood, but a film he also starred in,
as a transvestite, which also happened to
be an activity he pursued in real life.
A masterpiece that dared to delve closer to
the heart of crossdressing than any other
in film history, by using cinema tricks
like gluing fake articles onto real newspapers,
from 1953, Glen or Glenda!
(audience shouting)
When The Mesa of Lost Women was released,
a new school of acting was introduced to the world.
The school of bad acting.
Oh, we've arrived!
I trust your journey was pleasant?
Well, moderately, I must confess, though,
that I was a trifle uneasy when your
driver headed into the Muerto Desert,
but everything seems to have worked out.
I want to fly.
You, you want to...
I've always wanted to fly.
And now I will.
[Narrator] And pay careful attention to
the right of the screen where Dr. Masterson,
played exquisitely by Harmon Stevens,
conceals his excitement.
Jackie Coogan also shines as Dr. Aranya,
the crazy scientist determined to create
a master race of super women by injecting
them with spider venom!
But that also entailed having to create
dwarves and giant spiders, too.
(audience shouting)
Wendy? (troll grunting)
Didn't you hear mommy calling you, honey?
No, Mommy.
[Narrator] From the deep, dark recesses of 1986
comes the movie Troll!
The plot is simple.
Torok, the aforementioned troll, uses his
magic emerald ring to turn the residents of
an apartment complex into hideous plant pods,
so it feels kinda like home.
The hell are you?
[Narrator] The only redeeming value Troll has
is its cameo appearance by Sonny Bono,
and Julia Louis-Dreyfus' breakthrough
film performance years before Seinfeld made
her a TV star, and that ain't much.
It's Dad! It's Dad!
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] The 47th worst film of all time
is Teenage Zombies!
A technically awful, horribly acted steamy pile of cinema.
This 1959 gem is also the first of many laughable
horror films to use a man in a gorilla suit
as either an evil henchman or a zombie.
Or a maniac. Or simply just a gorilla.
(audience shouting)
Teenagers? Yuck!
[Narrator] Help!
Why didn't Phyllis Diller and Jayne Mansfield
make more films together, you ask?
She knows too much, Herman! She must be destroyed!
When I turn this knob, her fate'll be sealed,
and our secret will be safe forever!
[Narrator] This is why, from 1965, The Fat Spy!
Boy, this is some picture!
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] Beware! It's Voodoo Woman!
Deep in the jungles of somewhere,
a mad scientist uses voodoo magic to
make an indestructible slave thing.
But the plot thickens, like a meaty stew
left out in the sun.
I want that money so bad that every time
I close my eyes I can see it.
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] There's a treasure involved!
With an array of characters like Chaka, the witch doctor,
Bobo, the houseboy, and a hero named Touch Connors.
It's 1957's Voodoo Woman!
(audience shouting)
What have you done?
What do you mean what have I done?
What, are you blaming this on me?
Yes.
[Narrator] The 44th worst film of all time is
the box office bomb, Ishtar!
(men singing)
I put a price of 20,000 dirham on
their heads this afternoon.
[Narrator] Even though Warren Beatty and
Dustin Hoffman starred in this financial flop,
it would still prove to be the end of a career
for its director, Elaine May.
He's aimin' at us!
Will you stop being paranoid!
(gunfire) Run!
[Narrator] Even now, nearly 20 years after its release,
Ishtar has barely made back half of its
40 million dollar budget. (man singing)
It seems Warren and Dustin felt there was
a longing for another Road picture,
like the ones Bob Hope and Bing Crosby
used to make 30 years prior.
* We're off the road to Morocco
* This taxi is tough on the spine
It appears Warren and Dustin were wrong.
(shouting) Real wrong.
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] A gigantic manlike creature appears.
[Narrator] When Frankenstein's heart is stolen
from Germany, shipped to a lab in Japan,
and then exposed to radiation from the Hiroshima
bombing of World War 2, then eaten by
a strangely mutated boy who grows at a rapid pace,
you're left with 1965's Frankenstein Conquers the World!
A Japanese film with an entire Japanese cast,
and one white guy, Nick Adams!
I feel he's very important from
a scientific point of view.
I'd have to cut off a leg or an arm.
Doctors, I won't let you conduct this test!
[Narrator] The original climactic ending had
Frankenstein fighting Godzilla, but the
director thought that was too hard to believe,
so Frankenstein just ends up fighting a vague
reptilian giant monster to the death.
(monster roaring) (audience shouting)
(upbeat pop music)
When Arthur Nelson made his producing,
directing, editing, and acting debut in
The Creeping Terror, he convinced several
investors that he was making a big budget horror film,
and for just a few hundred dollars, these investors
could not only have small parts in the film,
but share in the profits after its release.
(screaming) My God, what is it?
[Narrator] Just before the release of
The Creeping Terror in 1964, Arthur Nelson vanished
with several lawsuits hanging over him.
He hasn't been heard from since.
(funky music) (monster growling)
And if you're wondering why there's no dialogue
between actors throughout most of the film,
it's because the director, producer, editor,
actor Arthur Nelson accidentally knocked
the sound recording equipment into Lake Tahoe,
and couldn't afford to buy a new microphone.
He narrated the entire movie in post-production.
(man screaming) (dramatic music)
(audience shouting)
At this very moment, KID TV has standing by
a television crew at Santa Claus' workshop.
[Narrator] When the children of Mars become
depressed and dismal, there's only one thing to do:
We need a Santa Claus on Mars!
Earth has had Santa Claus long enough.
We will bring him to Mars.
I'm against it!
[Narrator] From 1964, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!
Full of breathtaking special effects!
(loud giggling)
Turn it off, turn off that Tickle Ray!
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] Plus, horrible acting, coupled with
a freeze ray gun that's really just a Wham-O
toy painted silver!
You can't take him now, it's too near Christmas!
- Quiet, you! - But...
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] And strange, surreal scenes like this.
Hello there! (giggling excitedly)
(laughter)
[Narrator] And if all that's not enough,
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians also has
a young Pia Zadora in her film debut
as Girmar, the girl Martian.
The doll has a teddy bear's head,
and the teddy bear has a doll's head!
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] He has everything, except fulfillment.
And then one night, it happens.
(beeping)
[Answering Machine] Hey, good buddy, are you home?
[Narrator] Number 40 on the list of the worst
movies of all times belongs to 1986's
Howard the Duck!
Listen to me, small visitor.
I can explain how you got here.
Maybe you're here for some greater purpose,
some cosmic cause.
[Narrator] Even though this financial flop was
produced by George Lucas, it made less than
half of its 37 million dollar budget back.
A loss of nearly 21 million dollars.
Thanks, George!
I'm sorry, we don't allow pets on the premises.
(audience shouting)
(lightning striking)
[Narrator] At the end of World War 2,
Nazi officials remove the head of Adolf Hitler
and send it to a remote location until the
Third Reich was ready to again attempt to rule the world.
Now, depending on which section of
They Saved Hitler's Brain you watch,
that time could be 1961, when the last half of
the film was shot, or 1968, when the first half of
the film was made.
I suppose you've seen this.
Yeah, the papers are having a field day with this one.
[Narrator] A solid seven year gap between the
end and the beginning.
At one moment, we're enjoying the playful
banter between secret agents.
Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm.
Well, I don't appreciate yours.
You know, it's not very pleasant having to
pull rank on you all the time.
You're tellin' me!
And we were getting along so well.
Let's keep it that way, huh?
[Narrator] And seconds later, the film quality switches.
New characters come into play, and we don't
see our mustachioed secret agent and his
portly partner again until the editor carefully
splices the two films together.
Hold it! In the car!
Come on, move!
Quick!
(dramatic music)
(audience shouting)
(funky music)
[Narrator] Enter Jim...
Dragon Kelly!
He clobbers the mob as Black Belt Jones!
[Narrator] From 1974, the classic kung fu film,
starring Jim Kelly as Black Belt Jones,
and a cast of other characters with names like
Toppy, Big Tuna, Blue Eyes,
Pinky, Marv the Butcher, and Jelly!
(shouting)
Now, what are you doing?
No, no, you stay here 'til I get back.
Do those dishes or something.
(gunfire)
They're done.
[Narrator] With clever dialogue and kick ass
fighting sequences, Black Belt Jones is
probably the only film on the 50 Worst list
to be so bad it's good.
Oh bang, Bill, she is good, man, she is bad!
(audience shouting)
* Greetings, greetings, greetings
* Would you like to go away
Take a pair of socks and just stuff 'em in
the, the silk panties, you know what I mean?
Just, uh, just so it bulges.
[Narrator] And the first film in the United States to
receive an X rating, as well as one of
the lamest movies to come out of the 1960s:
* Greetings, greetings, greetings
I'd do just about anything for a boy in uniform.
[Narrator] Even though Greetings was directed
by a young Brian DePalma and starred an
even younger Robert De Niro...
You've heard of pop art.
Oh yeah, sure.
Yeah, well this is called peep art.
[Narrator] This 1968 turkey still makes the
50 Worst Films of All Time list at number 37.
Uh, what am I doing here?
I don't know. (audience shouting)
(speaking foreign language)
[Narrator] When an ancient jungle god becomes enraged
that a tourist resort is being built on his
sacred domain, he takes the form of a giant alligator.
Which later, we find out, is actually a crocodile,
and seeks his bloody rampage of revenge on
the people with state of the art special effects!
(eerie music)
(shouting)
Daniel!
No!
(shouting) (splashing)
(roaring)
[Narrator] It's up to a photographer,
and the resort owner's foxy assistant
to save the day.
This is my most valuable assistant.
Welcome!
[Narrator] From 1979, The Great Alligator,
which really should be called The Great Crocodile,
but it's not, it's The Great Alligator!
(audience shouting)
(screaming)
[Narrator] A nightmare of terror, a nightmare of horror!
[Narrator] When country singers Merle Haggard,
Sonny James, and Ferlin Husky encounter the
villainous Lon Chaney Jr., John Carradine,
and Basil Rathbone on their way to Nashville,
a dubious hoedown of lame thrills and
bogus chills ensues.
[Narrator] Fear and fright! (screaming)
[Narrator] One of the cinema's largest mistakes:
Hillbillys in a Haunted House!
[Narrator] A jamboree of songs,
a galaxy of stars!
* We're on our way to a swingin' jamboree
(audience shouts)
(grunting)
You wanted black, you got it black!
(shouting)
[Narrator] If you were pleasantly surprised by
Black Belt Jones, then you'll be pleasantly
repulsed by TNT Jackson!
(shouting)
(funky music)
Another gem from the 1970s karate blaxsploitation genre,
TNT Jackson stars Playboy playmate Jeanie Bell
as a karate expert searching for her brother's
killer on the mean streets of Hong Kong,
but her journey introduces TNT to many villains,
like the dreaded knife guy from the alley!
And the two men afraid of a suitcase!
And finally ends with the opposing afros,
both the good and the bad!
(funky music)
(grunting)
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] With the swiftness of a deadly cosmic ray,
the earth is invaded by indestructible moon monsters!
Their ghastly mission: death for all humans!
[Narrator] Robot Monster is so atrociously bad,
that soon after its release, the movie's director,
Phil Tucker, attempted to kill himself with a gun.
He missed.
[Narrator] Robot Monster brings you an actual
preview of the devastating forces of our future.
Unsuspected revelations of incredible horrors
that will terrify you with their brutal reality.
[Narrator] Released in 1953 in 3D,
Robot Monster utilized not only the terror and
fright instilled by bubble machines,
but also the macabre realism of an alien in
a gorilla costume with a diver's helmet!
[Alien] There is no escape from me.
Very well. I will recalculate.
Your death will be indescribable.
Fool humans! There is no escape!
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] Hero astronaut Steven West
returns from outer space.
His body is melting at an increasing rate.
To survive, he must get human cells.
He is The Incredible Melting Man.
[Narrator] Even though future Oscar winner
Rick Baker designed the special effects for
The Incredible Melting Man, this 1977 gem
still makes the 50 Worst list at number 32.
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] They're running out of everything but rules.
Firebird 2015, when having a full tank of
gas makes you fair game.
- All this killing goes on... - Accidents.
Murders!
[Narrator] In the not too distant future,
the US government outlaws all gas burning vehicles,
except for the gas burning vehicles which chase
the other gas burning vehicles in an attempt to stop them.
Damn, damn, damn!
Burner, that's right, I am a burner.
[Narrator] Shot entirely in the desert, where it's free,
it's Firebird 2015 AD, a 1981 film
where you can actually see the shame on
the faces of the actors.
(spitting) (funky music)
[Narrator] Firebird 2015 AD.
Driving force for freedom.
Firebird 2015 AD. (audience shouting)
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] The two most feared villains in
cinema history finally meet in 1971.
Dracula vs. Frankenstein!
Throw in Lon Chaney Jr. in his last film
appearance as an axe-wielding maniac,
a Dracula with an afro, and a Frankenstein
creature with a face that looks like
a raw steak, and you're left with number 30
on the list of the Worst Films of All Time!
Dracula vs. Frankenstein!
(audience shouting)
(dramatic music) (lighting cracking)
Ed Wood is notoriously remembered as one of
the worst directors in cinema history.
(thunderclap) Lobo!
Take the girl to my quarters!
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] 1955's Bride of the Monster is
one of the reasons why.
Let me loose, do you hear me!
You will be soon as big as a giant!
Or, like all the others.
Dead! (screaming)
[Narrator] Bela Lugosi mumbled most of his lines
throughout the film.
Tor Johnson bumps into almost everything on the set,
and the infamous fake octopus was actually
stolen from the Republic Studios backlot,
but they forgot to steal the motor.
So they just wiggle it around.
(audience shouting)
(explosion)
[Narrator] From the festering bowels of
the early '80s comes Smokey and the Bandit: Part 3.
When Burt Reynolds decided not to reprise his
role as The Bandit, the makers of this film
originally shot it with Jackie Gleason
playing both the sheriff and the bandit.
Cleverly titling this gem Smokey Is the Bandit!
As of this instant, Junior, we're in hot pursuit!
(sirens blaring)
(explosion) (tires screeching)
Done like a true Pygmy!
[Narrator] But when test audiences became
confused and downright stupefied,
parts of the movie were reshot with Jerry Reed
playing The Bandit.
The release date was postponed, and the title
was switched to Smokey and the Bandit: Part 3.
(audience shouting)
(upbeat music)
[Narrator] Open your eyes and hear the magic.
[Narrator] Imagine a stew with the ingredients of
disco music, a Greek tragedy, a roller rink,
Olivia Newton John, and Gene Kelly,
and the concoction you're left with is
what one film critic simply declared Xanadon't.
From 1980, Xanadu.
With a budget of 20 million dollars,
Xanadu grossed barely half that back in its
entire theatrical run, possibly because it
played as a .99 cent double feature
with The Village People's film Can't Stop the Music.
[Narrator] Xanadu, where time stops and
the magic never ends.
Xanadu, coming this summer.
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] The president picked him...
We need you, Leonard.
[Narrator] To save the world.
[Narrator] When a movie is bad, it receives
a Razzie Award, which is the equivalent of
an Oscar for bad movies.
When a movie is horribly bad, it receives two
Razzie Awards, and when a movie is
as terribly bad as Leonard Part 6,
it gets three Razzie Awards, and its producer
and star, Bill Cosby, goes on several talk
shows at its release and denounces the film
as truly dreadful, advising people not to see it.
That's how bad it is.
At number 26, it's Leonard Part 6!
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] Anytime the title of a movie is hand-drawn,
it's destined to be bad.
Somewhere, on a tropical island,
two tribes exist, the Wongo tribe,
who are comprised of beautiful women and ugly men,
and on the other side of the island is the
Goona tribe, which is the opposite.
Handsome men and ugly women.
But they're men!
Well, that's what we came here for, wasn't it?
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] And when that old tricky bastard
called Love gets involved, the story really takes off.
Angor, you spoke the truth about these women of Wongo.
This one's mine! He's cute.
[Narrator] The incredible acting in the film,
coupled with he uncanny realism of jungle life
makes The Wild Women of Wongo the 25th
Worst Film Ever Made.
Shut up!
(audience shouting)
(speaking gibberish)
OK, bonga, bonga.
Since when do you talk a native language?
I just started today.
Well, what'd he say?
What'd he say, I don't even know what I said.
[Narrator] Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla is
a B-movie all around, with a debatable all-star cast.
[Narrator] Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo turn
an island paradise into the zaniest madhouse
in the seven seas!
[Narrator] That is, if you consider the Dean Martin
and Jerry Lewis ripoff duo of Duke Mitchell
and Sammy Petrillo stars.
Plus, a washed up Bela Lugosi playing none
other than a mad scientist!
Run for your lives!
Go on, get outta here, run for your lives!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what am I, dumb or somethin'?
[Narrator] One half of this deservedly unfamous
duo of Duke and Sammy was actually sued by
Jerry Lewis for copying his,
well, his everything.
But the lawsuit didn't prevent this flop
from being filmed for just under 50,000 dollars
on a nine day shoot.
And yes, it's another film with a gorilla in it.
(audience shouting)
Enjoying the last of the sun, eh?
- Oh, Doctor! - Doctor, sit down.
[Narrator] Boris Karloff's contract with Universal
Pictures ran out in 1939.
Apparently, so did his status as the master of horror,
because in 1940... (dramatic music)
He made The Ape.
With Monogram Pictures.
She'd have been just 18 today.
She was to have worn that.
I couldn't save her, and I couldn't save her mother.
I hadn't the weapons to fight the disease that
killed them, but I have now.
[Narrator] Karloff plays Dr. Adrian,
a scientist, mad with passion towards curing polio.
(dramatic music)
All the while, perusing the town at night in
the skin of an escaped circus ape that he killed.
A tricky plot, indeed.
The Doc!
[Narrator] And Karloff always has his famous dying scene.
There, you see?
[Narrator] As did this film.
(audience shouting)
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] The science fiction craze which
swept across theater screens in the late 1970s
also brought with it many cheap B-grade
duplicates in its wake.
Cheap duplicates like Galaxy of Terror from 1981.
[Narrator] Hell has just been relocated.
It orbits a burned out star at the edge of the galaxy.
(loud screaming)
They're out there.
[Narrator] Galaxy of Terror has all the qualities of
a terrible film, including its star,
Erin Moran, who you may remember as Joanie from Happy Days.
(lasers firing)
What are the odds of us gettin' out of here?
[Narrator] And the film even tried to titillate
audiences by introducing the first wormlike
alien that makes sweet, sweet love to human women.
(woman screaming and moaning)
In all of its awfulness, Galaxy of Terror
does have one redeeming factor to it.
It's unit director was a young James Cameron,
who would go on to direct Terminator and
Titanic many years later.
But what he was most known for in this film
was making maggots wiggle on a severed arm
by electrocuting them. (audience shouting)
(dramatic music)
What do you do when you want to steal an
Aztec treasure from a tomb haunted by a mummy?
You build a robot to do it for you!
[Narrator] We dare you to see them, but don't come alone!
(screaming)
[Narrator] From 1957, The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy.
(audience shouting)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is
the fairest one of all?
[Narrator] There's no fairy tale quite so inspiring as
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Unless you're referring to the German-made movie
Snow White, or as they call it, Schneewittchen.
* Please, won't you dance with me
* I will sing you songs at night
And dig these crazy dwarf names!
I am Whitey, and the next one is Bushy.
- I'm called Eddie. - And I'm called Teddy.
And this one is Freddy.
My name is Blackie.
And I am called Bimbam.
[Narrator] The story seems to be the same.
You have the wicked witch and the apple.
(explosion)
Very well.
Then I'll cut the apple in two.
The red half is for you.
[Narrator] But this Snow White is just way too bizarre
not to make the 50 Worst list.
(audience shouting)
(dramatic music)
(explosion) (shouting)
After the revolution in Cuba, American gangsters
plot with Cuban generals in a genius scheme to
smuggle gold out of the country via a tour boat.
How much Jack you think's in that strongbox?
I dunno.
There's plenty of Cuban sugar, though.
[Narrator] But when a secret agent named
Sparks Moran penetrates their plan...
Don't worry, Maribelle. I'll save you.
[Narrator] And a horrifying sea monster
stands in their path, B-grade chills
and sugar free thrills are sure to arise from
Roger Corman's Creature from the Haunted Sea!
It's all right, be calm, everybody.
The boat's insured. (audience shouting)
I ought to carve my name on that tit!
Then see what he got to say!
[Narrator] Speaking of Roger Corman,
after being fired by him, director Jack Hill
branched out and formed his own brand of cheap cinema.
(upbeat music) (punching)
The result was The Swinging Cheerleaders.
It's men's business, Marianne!
Bullshit! (fist connecting)
[Narrator] A 1974 film that was difficult to label,
it was the story of a female reporter
who joined a college cheerleading team in
order to expose its demeaning nature.
But learned a lesson in assumptions instead.
It's girls like you give the boys
something they think is worth fighting for.
Gosh, that just makes me tingle all over
when you talk like that!
Ron, come on! Let's do it some more!
I wanna do it every way there is,
this is my first time, I want it to be wonderful!
(audience shouting)
Somebody one time told me that if
there's absolutely no way that you can get
out of taking a terrible beating, the only
intelligent thing for you to do is to
try to get in the first lick! (Shouting)
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] In 1967, Born Losers introduced
the world to a new denim-clad hero.
Billy Jack!
Four years later, Billy Jack, its sequel,
hit the screens to an adoring fanbase.
Pick it up.
(dramatic music)
[Narrator] But the third in the series,
The Trial of Billy Jack, was just a bit
too much for audiences in 1974.
What Jean has really taught us here and in
the Child Abuse Center is that everyone has
inside of them a fantastic force,
and it can really change people once it's unleashed.
Is this what you call non-violence?
We call it by something much cornier than that.
We call it love.
[Narrator] Coming in at nearly three hours,
most of which is spent communing at the
hippie commune, Billy Jack returns from
a stint in prison to find a new batch of
villains bothering his Native American friends,
not to mention stirring up trouble at
the Freedom School, disrupting beautiful
ballads like this one heard here.
* Don't turn back, Billy Jack
* I am cryin', are you dyin'
* Just for me
(audience shouting)
You might almost prefer watching Billy Jack to
the wooden acting of Peter Graves in
1954's Killers from Space!
They're here, they're here, they're going to destroy us!
It's all right, Dr. Martin, you're with friends,
you'll be all right.
They'll kill everyone, we've got to stop them!
Easy, Doug, easy.
[Narrator] Another from the Martian invaders
nobody believes the scientist genre,
only there are no gorilla aliens.
Only Martians with big eyes!
Stay where you are!
(laser buzzing)
[Narrator] And lizards made to look like giant dinosaurs!
Get back or I'll kill him!
[Narrator] And, of course, Peter Graves' own
brand of 7th grade acting.
(dramatic music)
(audience shouting)
(dramatic music)
Finally, sexy gals!
Psycho chicks!
And sweet jazz.
A combination worth a view.
Spider Baby tells the tale of the crazy
inbred Mary family, who all have a disease
that makes the mentally regress from
the age of 10, only mentally, though.
Those bodies keep on growing at a regular rate.
Oh yeah, and there's Lon Chaney, too.
But don't worry, not much.
But trouble arises when feudin' relatives move in,
and attempt to take the house.
Now that's a movie!
(audience shouting)
(explosion)
Horrible.
That face.
Those eyes.
Please, try to describe it.
Like nothing I've ever seen before.
You're the only one who saw it and survived!
[Narrator] For those of you who thought Joan
Crawford was one of the greatest actresses
in cinema, we bring you Trog,
from 1970, Crawford's last film.
(growling) (screaming)
(glass shattering) (dramatic music)
Trog!
[Narrator] The budget was so small for Trog
that Joan Crawford had to supply her own wardrobe,
and use her own car as a dressing room.
[Narrator] This kill crazy fiend from Hell
must be destroyed!
You may want to hide, you may want to
forget what you see, but you can't!
You can't escape!
Stay where you are, Dr. Brockton!
That's an order!
Dr. Brockton! (roaring)
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] When the Three Stooges enter
the race for space, everyone else runs for the hills!
[Narrator] After 30 years, the Three Stooges
should've just hung up their squirt tricks
and Curly replacements and called it quits.
But they didn't.
(speaking gibberish)
Destroy the Earth!
[Narrator] They continued making movies
well into the 1960s.
This is a red alert, repeat, red alert!
(planes whooshing) (mysterious music)
Did you see what I just saw?
[Narrator] And they actually believed the pie in
the face routine would still humor audiences.
Now see here!
[Narrator] But once they made The Three Stooges
in Orbit, they went too far.
Obsoletism has never been so obvious.
(audience shouting)
(upbeat woodwind music) (staff whooshing)
You knew that an ad-libbed kung fu movie
had to make it into the list of the 50 Worst
Movies of All Time, but I'll bet you didn't
figure on a kung fu movie about an armless man
and a legless man becoming kung fu masters,
and seeking revenge against the teacher
that maimed them!
[Narrator] The story of two young men who were
cut off in their prime!
They seek revenge, but they're handicapped
by their limited knowledge of kung fu.
Never by their will.
[Narrator] From, surprisingly, 1984, The Crippled Masters!
(audience shouting)
You would think with a film called The Sorceress
there would be a sorceress.
But there is none.
Only horribly cheap special effects
and a plot that wiggles and tries like
a small dog, painfully trying to pass
a sharp peach seed.
[Narrator] Mighty magical women warriors
are given the power of sorcery and the
fighting skills of the masters.
(heroic music)
[Narrator] Two warrior twins who, for some reason,
thought they were men, fight the forces of
evil in a wing ding of bad effects and bad acting.
[Narrator] Evil magic and a battle to control the
entire known world! (screaming)
Swords and sorcery! Sorceress.
(audience shouting)
Someone please come in!
140,000. Push the red!
God, Steve, help me, help me!
(screaming) (explosion)
(upbeat rock music)
Paul, what does it mean I'm stacked?
Stacked?
[Narrator] When the hand of a dead astronaut
winds up on the beach and is found by a student...
(screaming)
It begins not only strangling the townspeople,
but also possessing the student who found it!
It becomes The Crawling Hand!
(siren wailing)
[Narrator] The crawling hand demands to live!
Demands you to see it!
A disembodied hand holds the key to
a killer more deadly than the supernatural!
[Narrator] Burt Reynolds screen tested twice
for the role of Paul, the teenager,
but reportedly acted so terribly he wasn't asked back.
Yet Alan Hale Jr. made the cut!
He's a killer!
If he doesn't come over here quietly and put
that bottle down, I'll have to shoot him!
But he's just a kid!
[Narrator] You may remember that paper bag acting
from Gilligan's Island, where he played The Skipper!
(screaming)
[Narrator] It strikes deadly, silently!
It will not relent!
The crawling hand must destroy in order to exist!
It will strike you deadly!
The Crawling Hand!
(audience shouting)
I am Sardu.
(screaming)
Master of the theater of the macabre.
[Narrator] Midgets! Naked women!
Extreme torture! Bad acting!
Bloodsucking Freaks was originally banned in
the United States following the protest by
the Women Against Pornography movement.
But the ban was lifted sometime later.
And Master Sardu was free again to
spew his words of lethargy!
But if you are skeptical or bored,
then just pretend that what you see is real.
(dramatic music) (heavy breathing)
(screaming)
[Narrator] And his macabre theater of cheap
effects and women who eat ears and crazy midgets
were once again free to run amuck in Bloodsucking Freaks!
(audience shouting)
A law student innocently participates in
a hypnotist show, which allows his soul to
become possessed by the spirit of a 1940s gangster
named J.D., hence the title of the film,
J.D.'s Revenge!
Lately I've been gettin' these headaches, you know?
I've never felt this lost before in my life.
You beat me up.
Ike, you were...
I don't remember doing any of those things.
Baby, somethin' is happenin' to me.
[Narrator] Slowly, he begins to change,
adopting the style and ghetto charm
of the deceased J.D.!
And then comes the revenge part!
Something about his sister or his chick, or something.
What in the world have you done to yourself?
I ain't seen a getup like that in 25 years!
(laughter)
Yeah!
I'm the craziest nigga you ever gonna meet!
(screaming) Yay!
He wasn't himself.
Don't nobody talk to me like that!
He turned into this, into this monster,
a whole other person.
Scared of your daddy?
There is something wrong with Ike!
Tonight he kept saying he was this J.D. Walker.
J.D. Walker's been dead for over 30 years.
It's J.D. Walker!
What the hell do you mean J.D. Walker is back?
This boy is possessed by the spirit of J.D. Walker!
Oh, you a jack-legged preacher now, huh, Elijah?
(gunfire)
J.D.'s voice.
Where is that good for nothin' brother of yours?
And his manner.
I got a score to settle with him!
You was possessed.
You just killed Betty Jo! (Shouting)
[Narrator] It's a duel of personalities as
Ike and J.D. fight for possession of the body.
[Narrator] J.D.'s Revenge.
I'll have my revenge! (thunderclap)
(audience shouting)
[Narrator] You want bad?
You want, like, just, lame bad?
[Narrator] Do your eyes dare witness
total terror?
Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster!
[Narrator] When the women of Mars are
destroyed by an atomic bomb, it's up to
the Martian princess and her henchmen to
restock their planet.
We have come here to this planet for
one purpose only, to acquire breeding stock
to repopulate our planet.
[Narrator] Their search takes them to many
backyard parties, where the evil Martians,
who look like regular human astronauts,
gather up the human cattle!
And I bet you're asking yourself,
"Where does Frankenstein fall into all of this?"
Well, not only is Frankenstein Earth's only
hope for survival because missiles always miss
the Martian headquarters, but Frankenstein is
really just a robot astronaut named Frank
that got his circuitry screwed up by the
Martian attacks, and only he can fight
the Martian monster, and end their hostile takeover.
[Narrator] Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster!
(audience shouting)
What is that?
It's a sorex soricidae.
Looks like a small rat.
[Narrator] Shrews as small as rats.
Perfect for scientific experiments,
until they began to grow and grow into things.
[Narrator] A bumbling scientist creates a strain of
shrews that not only are the size of dogs,
but really are just dogs with fake hair
and fangs glued on them!
They must eat three times their own weight in
food every 24 hours or starve.
[Narrator] And a hero that in two decades would
be forever immortalized as Sheriff Roscoe
P. Coltrane in the Dukes of Hazzard.
And a film that was actually made to
be a B-grade double feature.
The Killer Shrews!
(dramatic music)
(shrews shrieking)
(audience shouting)
* Oh little Caroline, I'm feelin' so lonely
* I see you as the sun is goin' down
If all of this looks fairly familiar to you,
don't be alarmed, Jaws did not make the list.
But it's Italian-made copy did!
(water splashing)
The similarities were uncanny.
A sleepy little town, much like Amity,
a scene like when Roy Scheider yells from
a megaphone to get people out of the water,
a Robert Shaw sea captain character,
but played laughably in this one by Vic Morrow,
a sunken boat, with part of a body inside,
a scene where the great white shark tears
off the end of a pier with two fishermen on it,
and yes, the movie rips off Jaws Part II
as well, when the shark attacks a helicopter
and pulls it underwater.
The similarities were so noticeable that
Universal Pictures sued the producers of this film,
and it was pulled from American theaters shortly
after it was released.
From 1980, Great White!
(audience shouting)
Turn off your electrode gun! No!
(dramatic music)
No! Stop him, Tanna!
I can't get it, it's jammed!
Stop him, you fool!
Drop the gun to the floor, Tanna!
The metal will break contact.
[Narrator] Ed Wood returns to the list with
his worst film ever.
Plan 9 From Outer Space.
And remember, my friends, future events
such as these will affect you in the future.
[Narrator] Wood and the cast of Plan 9
were all baptized before filming began
because the only backer that would fund
the movie was a Baptist church.
Ed Wood almost always used the first take.
As you can see by the microphone shadow seen here.
And check out the cardboard cutout steering wheels!
(low humming)
[Radio] Burbank Tower to American Flight 812, over.
Holy mackerel.
[Narrator] One of the legends behind Plan 9 is
that Wood used everything from hubcaps, pizza pans,
pie tins, and even paper plates as the UFOs.
The truth is, the UFOs are actually children's
plastic model kits hung from fishing line.
(dramatic music)
And now take note of the continuity here.
Or the lack thereof.
Daytime!
Nighttime!
Daytime!
Nighttime!
Daytime! Nighttime!
And although Plan 9 star Bela Lugosi
died four days after shooting began,
it didn't stop Wood.
For the remainder of the film, in Bela's place,
was Wood's wife's chiropractor, who played
Bela's part with the cape covering his face the whole time.
Oh yes, Plan 9 from Outer Space is bad.
But it's not the worst.
(audience shouting)
I want to transplant my head on a healthy body.
I think I'd like to donate my body to science after all.
[Narrator] Nearly 30 years after Ray Milland won
an Oscar for his portrayal of an alcoholic in
The Lost Weekend, he starred in The Thing With Two Heads
as a rich bigot whose only chance for survival is
to transplant his head onto Rosey Greer's body.
We are joined together temporarily.
(dramatic music)
Williams! Stop this car immediately!
Why don't you shut up?
Hey, that's tellin' him, man.
I should've known your kind stick together!
Would you please stop this infernal machine?
Oh, just shut up!
- Help! - Shut up!
- You're a doctor? - So far, so good.
Then how 'bout you takin' ol' Happy Face off me here?
(gunfire) They're shooting at us!
(dramatic music)
(funky music) (tires screeching)
Man, this car's a real dud.
Could I have a cigarette?
Oh sure, honey.
Hey man, don't be smokin' while I'm eatin'!
[Narrator] Rightfully positioned at number three
is The Thing with Two Heads from 1972.
You get some sleep, baby.
Why don't you stay here for a little while?
It's no use, honey.
Maybe when I get used to it.
Now you know you got to go.
(audience shouting)
(car revving) (dramatic music)
[Narrator] There's bad, and there's real bad.
And then there's Eegah!
Eegah! Eegah!
[Narrator] Eegah is the tale of a misunderstood
prehistoric caveman, played by the future
James Bond villain Richard Kiel,
who emerges from the ravaging deserts of
Palm Springs in 1962 with a case of
untamed lust for a teenage chick!
There he is, halt! Halt, or I'll fire!
(gunfire) (screaming)
Don't shoot, he doesn't understand!
(screaming)
Oh no, oh! (Crying)
[Narrator] The second worst movie of all time!
Eegah! (audience shouting)
Finally, the worst movie ever made.
The first and last monster musical.
It's The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who
Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!
[Narrator] From the innocence of music and
laughter comes the twilight of terror.
Along the midway, scantily-clad dancers,
luring the young lovers into the sideshows.
(woman singing) (gunfire)
(women singing)
(weird electronic noises)
See the dancing girls of the carnival murdered
by the incredible night creatures of the midway!
I only know that something evil lies ahead for me.
[Narrator] An unspeakable pit of dismal subhuman
monsters who drool and gibber, moaning for the
thrill of revenge!
Incredible are the songs, the gaiety,
the Zombie Stomp of those who will stop living
and then the mix-up, trickery, and the device to ruin.
See the hunchback of the midway fight
a duel of death with the mixed-up zombies!
Turning men into monsters, twisted, tormented
human vultures, yearning to kill,
incredible creatures, clutching at
the thin threads of their miserable lives!
Human vultures, only the weird zombies remain.
(screaming)
(singing) (chanting)
[Narrator] On a budget of 38,000 dollars,
Ray Dennis Steckler not only directed,
but starred in this gem, but he used his
much cooler stage name, Cash Flagg!
(upbeat orchestral music)
Yes, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who
Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
wins the title as The Worst Movie Ever made!
You've seen the bad, the terrible,
and the worst movies of all time,
all 50 of them, from gorilla costumes,
to crawling hands, to rubber monsters,
and midgets playing trolls.
These movies truly are the bottom of the barrel.
Bullshit! (fist connecting)
[Narrator] And they have rightfully earned
their status as the 50 Worst Films of All Time!
(playful orchestral music)
(MultiCom Jingle)