G-gorilla fangs, has anyone seen gorilla fangs?
Right here under the murder disks.
And here comes the end of fun.
I didn't even say anything yet!
This is where you yell at us for building...
...a Michael Crichton's Congo Lego set instead of working on the ship.
This is New Korvo. I'm chill A-F. Chill About Fudge.
Uh, does this go in the space laser?
That's from Congo the movie. This is based on the book.
Lego's scraping the bottom of the licensing barrel. That's for sure.
You sure you're not sitting there freaking out about the mission?
Allow my cracking a beer and unfastening my robe to answer that.
That's a red alert! We have to get to the ship!
Ah! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ugh This is the Lego novelization of the film.
The Firm final battle all over again.
Hey, stop it, you're ruining my best shirt!
You know how many Corona Lights I had to drink to get this?
Oh! The ragnar's dead!
The ragnar! No! We forgot to feed it!
The what? - Uh, I'm as Solar Opposites as they come,
and I have no idea what you're talking about.
Ragnars are a living reminder of the spirit of the homeworld.
Now it's a dead reminder, still works though.
This dead ragnar is a cautionary tale for our lax attitudes!
We're fucking up the future of our species!
No, we aren't, the Pupa's fine.
He should have terraformed the planet already!
Come on, Korvo, it's okay.
Yeah, we're good at being aliens. Don't be like that.
We can't be that important, right?
We are that important!
If we don't make sure the Pupa does its thing,
our way of life will be over!
Aren't there, like, 99 other ships doing the same thing we are?
Wh-wh-what do you mean?
That's what you say every morning to us...
...when you re-explain our origin story.
Take a look!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa...
...and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is... this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why did humans stop traveling in blimps?
Who cares if one exploded horrifically a century ago?
Get over it and bring back the fucking blimps.
Oh my god, you're right! Ninety-nine other teams.
Odds are someone else has already saved the homeworld!
And we're probably the shittiest one of them all.
I have to know for sure.
Aisha, can you scan for signals from the other crews?
I don't need to waste a scan.
All those ships ran on the AISHA OS. We're all connected.
You wanna see them like a clip show?
Ehh, sorta well-trod territory there, Ai'eesh.
Let's do it on the Pretendodeck!
You can tell it to us like a bedtime story,
like Fred Savage gets it in The Princess Bride!
Ooh-ooh-ooh! Yes! I love that movie!
I've been trying to kill you with iocaine powder for years.
No, that's stupid.
TERRY, YUMYULACK, and JESSE: Princess Bride! Princess Bride!
As you wish!
Yay! - Yay, yay, yay!
We're not doing a Princess Bride.
You can't just chant me into doing stuff.
TERRY, YUMYULACK, and JESSE: Yay!
Why does everything always have to be fun?
Let me make sure this shit is legally clearable.
Wow, this is just like little Fred Savage's room!
Aisha, You can be the Peter Falk!
Initiating mustache and glass eye protocol.
Once upon a time, a planet was about to get hit by an asteroid.
Before it blew up, a hundred adults and their crew were assigned Pupas.
And they flew into space in search of new worlds.
Let me tell you about team number one.
Scans indicate there's a Class M planet at 67857 mark S.
Yes, sir. Adjusting vector now.
See how his second in command just did his job...
...without being a little bitch about it, Terry.
Yeah, because he's a cuck. - You're a cuck.
And we can sense our own.
Initiating landing sequence.
As your leader, it is my duty...
...to protect and guide you.
Any of your failings are mine,
and together, we make this sacrifice...
For the Pupa!
Oh!
Okay, we get it.
That team makes us look like a bunch of jabronis.
Yo-yo-you're just rubbing it in, Aisha.
We could frolic in fields if we wanted to.
It's not my fault y'all suck.
Bullshit! - We're better than them.
Okay, fine! Here's a team that did worse than you.
This planet looks awesome!
As your leader, I just want to say that I am proud of you.
What the fuck is this? I said I wanted a bad one!
Just wait for it.
If you need something, then I need something.
Because we're all in this together.
Only rule is, if you walk through my door,
you gotta leave your blues outside.
Ha ha, yeah! Get fucked!
Nobody fucks with a wave of superheated gas!
Want to see another one like that?
Yes! Hit me.
The Pupa really likes it here.
All the berries we can eat...
...and the best team a Shlorpian could ask for.
Look at that planet, completely untouched by human pollution.
No highways or skyscrapers.
I wish we'd landed on a planet like that instead of Earth...
Jesus Christ!
Yeah! T-Rex out of nowhere for the win!
Okay, that's not exactly their fault, I guess.
Can we see a team that doesn't get killed by something on their planet?
Sweet dreams, little Pupa.
Aww, look, he's terraforming in his sleep.
Why are they treating their Pupa like a baby?
I thought it was a pet. - He isn't?
Oof, maybe we shouldn't feed him bones...
...or make him shit in a box of sand anymore, huh, guys?
Did you turn the heat on?
Whoa, their sun went nova? How do we make ours do that?
You just have to find an isotope... - Don't tell him.
That's three dead teams in a row. - So?
Isn't that like totes random?
Space is fucking dangerous.
Hell yeah, it is. Tell us about more dead teams!
But skip the backstories.
I don't wanna get emotionally invested if they're all going to get Mufasa'd.
Okay.
Team five ran into trouble on robot world.
Team six took a dip in a poison ocean.
Teams seven and eight? Ooh! They fell into chasms.
Okay, wow, Jesus, that's grim. Can we get a palate cleanser?
Sure.
I think we just found our new home!
What are we talking, snow planet?
Nope, looks like we're going to be living in a tropical paradise!
Alright, surf's up!
Setting a course for...
Aah!
What the? We're caught in some sort of tractor beam.
Is that a cop?
Listen, we aren't doing anything wrong. I'll handle it.
Hello. Can I help you, officer?
We've been getting reports of Varmints in the system.
You been having any trouble with Varmints?
I don't know what a Varmint is. Are we in danger?
Fuzzy insect, about ye wide, burrow inside your body and control you?
Mind if I do a quick sweep of the ship?
That would be great, thank you.
Varmints can squeeze into all sorts of places.
Better to be sure you don't have them now, so...
You're a Shlorpian?
Oh yeah, me and my whole team here. Our homeworld was hit by a...
I need backup, now.
Let me up right now! Unhand me!
Lervus? What's happening?
This is all a misunderstanding...
What are you doing to my sweetie?
We were just looking for a new world to call home!
Yeah, by terraforming innocent planets.
You make me sick.
Frunking unreal. They really don't see any problem with what they do.
This is why I got into being a cop.
To clean dirtbags like this out of the quadrant.
What the hell was that?
Silvercops. Shit, they're always arresting Shlorpians.
You can't call dibs on a planet!
Skip past all the teams arrested by space cops.
I don't want to see that shit.
Listen up, punks.
We're going to crush this planet,
we're going to protect the Pupa until it can consume us,
and we're going to work out the whole time and get huge!
You know it, brother. - Pushup race! Go!
Whoa, these guys are yoked.
Even their Pupa's swole.
Look at him, he looks like he's gonna kick over a nerd's sand castle.
Wait a second, hold on.
That other team earlier already got eaten by a T-Rex.
So? - So, it's like, a double beat.
It's what happened. - Eh, just seems hacky.
You could have spread them out more in the story.
It happens too often to spread out.
What? How many planets even have T-Rexes?
Let's take a look!
I... I'm so sorry!
This is all-a my fault! We never should-a have come here!
Forty-two teams got eaten by T-Rexes?
What? They're one of the strongest dinosaurs.
That's almost half of us!
It's weird that they're carnivores and you're plants,
so they're not even getting nutrition,
they're just being dicks.
Are there teams more like us that aren't fighting dinosaurs?
Well, team 63 has been...
...on an already inhabited planet for six months.
Okay everyone, no fun today.
All we're going to do is read manuals and repair the ship...
...so we can get off this shitty planet and find an empty one.
Shut the fuck up or I'll zap you with the death ray!
I like this guy.
Captain Zarg threatening us with the death ray.
What a surprise.
I can't ship repair today. I need to find a date for prom.
Nobody's going to ask you to the prom, you're an alien!
Hey, to us, they're the aliens.
Hey! A giant bird is basically a T-Rex!
You're basically a little bitch.
Yumyulack's right,
but it was also a good example of why we need to get along.
No more petty arguments would help.
Maybe we wouldn't argue if Jesse didn't sleep in all day.
I need my rest or I get puffy!
Shut up.
Korvo's right, you have to get along, or it can go bad real fast.
Five straight months of space rain.
I'm glad we thought to bring board games,
or we'd have gone crazy.
Hey! You cheated!
I'm team leader, I can make my own rules!
You piece of shit!
Shit! Look out for that space probe!
Oh no, no, no, no!
Holy shit, that was close!
Damn! That was the Voyager 1 probe!
NASA launched it in the '70s.
I learned about it from a Sesame Street.
Well, who cares, we're not going to get hit by a probe.
What about something closer to home?
Team 65 landed on a beaver planet.
Stop fidgeting. - I can't help it.
All this beaver fur is making me itchy.
Who ate my last jar of narbo nuts?
Ech, nobody. Those things taste like sploof.
Well, someone ate them, because they're gone.
You just lost them. - I did not!
Since nobody respects my stuff, I guess I can just ruin the dam!
Trildo, stop it! You're scaring the beavers!
You stole my narbos!
I hate it here, and I hate you!
If you don't shut the fuck up about the narbos,
I'm going to use the doomsday device, I swear to god!
Narbos! Narbos! You ate my narbos!
You ate my narbos! Narbos! Narbos! Narbos! Nar...
Yeah, but did he eat the narbos?
Nope. They were just way back in the cupboard.
Well, looks like every team has a Terry.
With all the dumb shit you pull, it's a miracle we haven't been killed.
I should just wrap you in plastic for the rest of the mission, like an old ham.
It's not always the Pupa expert fucking up.
I bet the replicants do it too. Look at 'em. Fuck-ups.
Better keep my name out of your mouth, bitch.
Us replicants never cause any shit.
That's not exactly true.
Nothing beats ending a full day of scraping nutrients...
...off of giant seashells like curling up by the fire...
...with a dense manual.
This sucks. I hate this planet and wish I'd never been replicated.
Too loud, Melbo. Turn it down. - We just want to relax.
Oh, so the way I relax isn't good enough for you?
You don't have to make everything into a big deal.
Give me the remote. - No!
Give me the remote. - Hey!
No! - Stop that!
Nooo!
Okay, so one replicant accidentally killed their team,
no big deal.
Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
I got nothing. - That was fucked.
They were the only ones who did that.
Good. Because we would never kill you guys then make out.
Sure wouldn't.
Clearly, the mission relies on mutual respect.
But we don't respect each other at all.
Does that mean that we're one of the shitty teams?
No way, we're the best!
I don't know, team one still seems like the best so far.
Nah, I want to see them again.
Those fuck-ups have to be T-Rex shit by now.
Actually, team one is keeping it together.
What the hell, look at their little compound they've made!
Did everyone do their jobs today?
Yes, sir! - You know it!
Yes, sir!
Ugh, they're so considerate and productive.
Look at their Pupa! It's beautiful!
It's like bubblegum colored!
Why doesn't our Pupa look like that?
I don't know! Get off my back!
So maybe we aren't as good as team one,
but I bet none of them spent a month learning...
...how to do this sweet-ass TikTok dance!
Sure, but there are other teams out there...
...who have accomplished...
...the same amount of missions that you have.
You mean other cool teams?
Mmm, more like trashy-ass teams.
We aren't trashy!
Show me these teams that are 'like us.'
Aw yeah, boyyyy!
Who wants to eat meat and watch screens?
Me, me, me, me, me. - Yeah, me.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
After we fuck around all day, let's pull pranks on our neighbors!
These guys are sort of like the version of us...
...you'd get at the dollar store.
Aw, fuck. Why are we acting so trashy, dudes?
We have a mission! My head! It hurts!
Mine does too! Why are we obsessed with screens?
We're supposed to be taking care of the Pupa.
Oh no, Varmints!
What the fuck?
The only reason they were acting like us is because...
...there were fuzzy insects in their brains?
Wait, you don't have those too? - No!
I guess you're just regular trashy, not fuzzy insect trashy.
Yeah. - That's bad!
Show us another team that's like us, who aren't being eaten from the inside.
This is our planet,
and we're going to raise our pupa to terraform it.
No way. We landed here first.
Our Pupa is going to be doing the terraforming.
Let me introduce you to my friends.
'Not' and 'today,' son.
Suck my mound!
Aah!
Gimme that.
Yes, the mission is important, but so is having fun.
It's all about balance.
We can't just hyper focus on the safety of the Pupa...
...every waking second of the day.
We have to have a little fun.
Let's dance!
See, Terry? You have to take your job more seriously.
Oh please, that would never happen to me,
that guy was an idiot.
Terry watch out! Stop! The TV!
The huh now?
Fucking idiot, we've been watching Pupas die all day!
This was supposed to make me feel better about how behind we are in the mission.
How many teams are even alive, Aisha?
Not many.
Some were eaten by reavers.
A bunch got cooked by radiation.
One team got killed by DC Comics' Superman.
Can't show that one for legal reasons.
There isn't a lot to tell for the last dozen.
They technically survived the journey,
just never found a planet,
ran out of oxygen and water,
their bodies entombed in their ships,
coasting forever into the infinite void.
Ninety-nine? That means we're the last team left?
Holy ass-shitting fuck, it does!
And we're always doing stupid dangerous things!
We're so fucked! We're the last team, and we're total fuck-ups!
We're dog shit!
Wait! What about team one?
Oh. Oh, right. They didn't die!
Aisha, show us team one! Quick!
Oh, thank god these dorks are alive.
What are they doing?
Wait, wait, I know this!
This is what you do when the Pupa is ready to terraform!
You're right! Look, their Pupa has reached its final color!
That's it, little guy. You've got this.
Come on. Come on.
Oh! It's happening! He's evolving to his true form!
It has been an honor to serve with you all.
Ahh!
This is fucking awesome.
Yeah! He did it! He terraformed the whole planet! Yeah!
Alright! They did it!
Oh, I can't believe it!
A new homeworld! A whole new...
Wait a minute, we're moving forward in time?
Huh. It looks exactly like the homeworld.
Uh, yeah, that's what a copy is, dude.
No, not the image of the homeworld, this is exactly the homeworld.
Look, there's me!
I remember this, I'm buying darvo fruit from that vendor on Glurk Street.
He always ripped me off.
Hey, there's me too!
Yeah, I went through a yo-yo phase.
That's a Grak 5000. - Ah!
Wait, when Pupa remakes the homeworld, it'll remake us too?
No, that's you.
How can we be here on Earth and on New Shlorp at the same time?
You're not. That's not new Shlorp, it's Shlorp.
What? - This all happened 30 years ago.
Wait, you mean all those teams you showed us...
They were from the Shlorp that exploded before your Shlorp was made.
So team one's Shlorp got hit by an asteroid, so they made our Shlorp,
and then it got hit by an asteroid too?
I just said that. - Okay, pretend I'm stupid.
How many Planet Shlorps have there been? Ever.
Thousands.
Shlorpians are always getting their homeworlds destroyed...
...and spreading across the galaxy.
That's kinda your whole thing.
So every time a Shlorp is destroyed, we send out a hundred teams...
...and make a hundred new ones?
Pretty fucking exponential, right?
We really are spreading across the galaxy like mold.
That's so metal! No wonder the Silvercops hate us!
How many teams are out there right now this second?
I don't know, I only have the records for the last set.
So we have no idea if we're the last team or not?
Damnit, Aisha!
You made us sit through all these stupid stories,
and now we don't even know if there are any living teams!
What a waste of time this has been!
You're the one that wanted stories.
Get the fuck out of here so I can browse Raya in peace!
Mmm!
How'd she get on Raya? Isn't that for celebrities?
She fucked Ayan-Ray Eynolds-Ray. - Oh!
I swear one of these days I'm going erase that AI.
Well, I think we learned a valuable lesson today.
Like what? - We might be redundant,
or we might be Shlorp's only hope.
Either way, we need to appreciate each other.
We already knew that!
Ugh, today was as worthless as an orange Starburst.
We could have been patching... Look out for the speaker!
Ah!
Holy shit, we did learn something!
See? All those disconnected violent stories were worth it.
Told ya! Now let's go play by the chasm!
Ooh, can we, Korvo? Please?
Okay, just a bit before dinner.
I want to horse around right on the edge of the cliff.
We can all horse around right on the edge of the cliff.
As a team.
Chasm! Chasm!