It's a big waste. Chewing gum for the eyes.
No, thanks, Ted.
Anyway, I've got these crisps here.
I get a cheese and onion one and a salt and vinegar one
and I eat them in the same go.
That leak is getting worse, Dougal.
We'll have to move himself and put that bucket under it.
Right. Fair enough, Ted.
I'm a happy camper!
God, that'll cost a fortune to fix.
Where will we get the money? How can we raise some money?
Hmm...
Yes, I know! A-ha!
A-ha...
- Are you thinking what I am? - I think so.
Yes!
But now, wait, I'm not sure.
What?
I mean, it is a big step and where will we get the guns?
What are you talking about?
Actually, I might've been thinking something different.
You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
I did.
Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film.
I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.
- What'll we have as a prize, though? - You got me there, Ted.
Under diocese rules, we're allowed a raffle prize every couple of years.
It's stopped, Ted.
We have to move him. Where's the thing for waking him up?
There it is.
(Ted) Father... Father, it's only us.
GET TO FECk!
- Come on, Father... - Drink!
Don't drink that, Father, no! It's...
Feckin' water!
..and the island hasn't been given anything to raffle
since those two bags of coal in 1964.
I-I think we're entitled, under the rules of the diocese...
Oh, that'd be great! That's wonderful!
Thank you very much, Your Grace! Thanks again.
All right. Bye, Bishop Brennan. Bye.
No luck, then?
Lots of luck, Dougal. We're being given a car.
A car! That's a brilliant prize!
It's not that unusual. Father Finnegan got one.
You know him, the Dancing Priest - dances for peace.
Oh, yeah. Is he still going?
Yes, indeed. He danced across America last year.
New York to Los Angeles.
He was mugged about once every 15 miles.
Great! We'll have the roof sorted in no time. Did you hear that, Father?
(Mrs Doyle ) Cup of tea, Fathers?
No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
What do you think of her?
Nice. Are you sure you won't have a cup?
- It's our raffle prize. - Right. Just a drop in your hand?
Go inside. I'll take the tray.
All right. I'll put the kettle on in case you want some more.
Oh, God, Ted! There's a dent in the car!
What?!
- Where's the dent? - Just there, Ted.
God, how did that happen?
When you hit that fella on the bike.
Don't mention that to anyone. Anyway, I saw him get up.
It's not too bad. I can straighten it out with a hammer.
Have a look in that box.
Oops, I didn't mean to do that. I'll just tap it the other way.
It's no use. You'll never get it absolutely right.
(Sighing) I thought I had it there a while ago, you know.
She was looking all right. But like an eejit I kept banging away.
You're a perfectionist, Ted, you know? It's not too bad.
Let's have another look.
(Ted) No...no, we can't give that away as a prize.
Why not sleep on it? See how you feel in the morning?
Maybe you're right.
(Ted) AH, JESUS, WE'RE DEAD! OH, GOD ALMIGHTY!
Calm down there, Ted! Come on!
Calm down? We've just destroyed a car that's worth seven grand!
Come on, Ted. It'll look better in the morning.
Dougal, we're dead. The Bishop will kill us!
We're dead! We're dead! We're dead!
Thanks, Dougal. I probably needed that.
But don't ever do it again.
Now, what are we gonna do?
- We could run away. - No, they'd find us.
- They always do. - Oh, right.
What about that other fella? The Dancing Priest.
Finnegan! Yes! It'd be the same type of car!
How could we get him to give it to us?
Maybe... Maybe we could just get a lend of it.
But the raffle winner won't want to give it back.
Now, Dougal, this is going to sound very, very immoral,
but stay with me.
What if... What if we organised the raffle so that we won it?
Then we could bring the car back.
Oooooohhhhh!
Oooh, that'd be terribly wrong. I don't think we should do that.
It wouldn't be cheating, really.
It would just be a case of structuring the raffle
so the return reaches the benefactors rather than the beneficiaries.
Hmm.
Dougal, seriously. Listen.
If Bishop Brennan finds out we wrecked the car, he WILL kill us.
And murder is a terrible, terrible sin, Dougal.
So, by committing this little sin, we'll be saving a bishop's soul!
Fair enough, then, Ted.
(Violent sneezing)
Come on, Father. We're off to see the Dancing Priest.
(Birds squawking)
(Jack) Feckin' feckin' eejit!
Gobshites, all of you!
Right, off we go.
(Clattering)
(Ted) God, look at it! It's the same colour and all.
You mind Jack. I won't be a moment.
But, Ted!
(Sneezes)
( # Pop music)
Liam.
Oh, Ted! Come on in. Will you join me?
What? Me dance? Oh, I'm not much of a dancer, no.
Come on, Ted. Prayer isn't the only way to praise God.
- And it keeps you fit. - All right, then.
You said something on the phone about borrowing the car.
You'd be doing a great favour.
Oh, don't be silly. Just take care of it.
Don't give it away in a raffle or something(!)
Somebody saw you on TV in a documentary, you were in Belfast.
That wasn't me, a younger fella ripped off the idea!
Don't like talkin' about him!
Well, I'd better head on. Thanks again.
No problem. Bye, Ted.
Bingo!
No luck, then, Ted?
(Ted) Dougal, you'll leave a mark on the window.
Are we there yet?
Dougal, we won't be there for a while.
Yes, Father Ted Crilly saves the day again!
How are you doing back there, Father?
- (Sneezes) - Aw!
What have you been drinking? It's like acid!
Here, try this. This'll clear you up.
Aren't cars great, Ted?
Look, it's a long drive. You have a little sleep.
Oh, right so, Ted.
(Radio ) 'This is Laszlo St Pierre on the night shift,
'taking you through until 3am...'
'Cock-a-doodle-doo! This is the John Morgan Morning Show.
'It's a beautiful day so let's start off with some Motown magic!'
( # Motown intro )
God, I almost drifted off for a moment there. Nearly home.
(Ted) Right, the raffle. Let's go through it again.
I'll fill the hat with tickets all with the same number on them - 11.
11. Two ones. That's easy to remember, Ted.
And we'll make sure that you have that number.
Right. So we won't have to cheat at all.
- That's HOW we're cheating, Dougal. - Oh, right, Ok...
So let me get this straight. You'll be wearing the hat?
No, I won't be wearing any hats.
The tickets will be in the hat.
But you'll put on the hat to give me the signal?
I won't be giving you any signals!
I'll just pull out your ticket and you'll collect the prize!
- There's a prize, Ted? What is it? - The car!
Oh, right, yeah.
Here's the sandwiches for tonight.
Oh, wait a minute, I forgot to do my test!
What test, Mrs Doyle?
I select a sandwich at random and try it.
If it doesn't meet my standards, I put the lot in the bin.
They're fine.
- Right, so, are we all sorted? - Ho, raring to go, Ted!
- Who's doing the disco? - Father Billy O'Dwyer.
The Spinmaster! Great.
Actually, I can't wait. I bet I sell a load of tickets.
I bet I sell more than you.
Hmm.
It's like The Sting.
I'm Robert Redford and you're Paul Newman.
(Man on PA) 'Testing - one, two, one, two.'
Ground Control to the Spinmaster!
Oh, Ted! How are ya?
Fine. God, it's like NASA. How do you keep track of it all?
It's quite simple, really.
Here we have the turntables, which I control from the mixing desk.
I can flip between records if I want to get a bit of an old jam going.
I can't wait. What records have you got?
- Records? - A bit of the Bee Gees, I suppose?
- Oh, God. - Billy, what's up with you?
I forgot the records, Ted.
What?! Have you not got any records?
Now, hold on a second...
I might have one. I think I have one out in the car.
Cup of tea, Father?
Would you like to be the first to buy a raffle ticket?
I'd love to. I haven't taken part in a raffle in donkey's years.
I think I'm in with a great chance today.
- (Giggling) - Shut up, Dougal!
- How many? - Just the one.
Ah, all right.
- My lucky number never lets me down. - Which one's that?
- 11. - What?
11's always been lucky for me.
- Eh...well, we're out of 11s. - I'm your first customer.
Yes, yes. But...I think this one came without 11s.
I'll give you a 10 and a one and that'll add up to 11.
You can have both for 50p.
No, I don't think so. I'll have my money back.
Mrs Doyle, it's for the roof...
Sorry, Father.
Incredible woman! Now, I wonder where Jack's got to.
- He's with Father Purcell. - I better rescue him!
They're just chatting.
Purcell's the most boring priest in the world.
He was working in Nigeria, and he woke up to find
everyone had had enough of him and gone off in a boat.
It sank after a mile and they were eaten by alligators. I'd better go.
..we run the gas off the electricity
and the electricity off the gas and we save £200 a year!
But then a few weeks later - God, I'll never forget it, now -
we got a new boiler.
- All right, Fathers? - HELP ME!
Hello, Ted. I was telling Father Jack about the thing there last year.
- How did you fare with yours? - I don't know...
Because you know, they have no morals and no respect for human life.
But what they do have, and no one can deny this,
they have the finest collection of boilers in the world.
And I include Canada in that.
Fine, Anthony, I want to borrow Jack for a moment.
THANk CHRIST!
Father?
Ahh, I remember the first time I saw that boiler! Beautiful!
Would you like a ticket, Father?
Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop.
Any number you like -
ah...one...seven...
20...
- 112... - 112?
All the way up to 409, I think it is.
If you want more, they send off for them.
They come back in an envelope.
Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know.
That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes.
No round envelopes for me! No way, Hose.
(Purcell) Sid Vicious, now. That was a grand name, wasn't it?
He had trouble with the drugs...
Oh-ho-ho!
Yes!
Tickets for the raffle.
Anybody who hasn't bought a ticket, come over here.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Sorry about the wait, folks - trouble with the old disco.
Luckily, I've got a few old pals to do a couple of numbers.
Please welcome Fathers Tiernan, Rafter, Cafferty and Leonard!
( # Electronic music)
Billy, where have you been?
Ted! Found the record!
All right. How about a ticket? 50p each or four for £1.
Gambling, Ted. Ruined me father and me grandfather.
Both of them, Ted, died without a penny to their name.
It won't happen to me.
God, it's for charity. It's not real gambling.
All right, then, go ahead.
Great. How many?
2,000.
- 2,000? - I'll do you a cheque.
No, I can't take it, that's too much.
I can handle it, Ted!
I've a few friends who lend me cash from time to time.
No, you shouldn't throw around that kind of money.
Ted, I need another ticket book. This one's run out.
Already? How could you sell out already?!
Don't ask me. I can hardly keep a straight face.
What was it, Billy - 2,000?
(Music continues)
Need more drink!
Car!
( # The Specials: "Ghost Town")
(Record ends)
(Music starts)
Right, let's go. You know what to do?
- Thunderbirds are go, Ted! - Ok, come on.
Thank you, Father Billy.
Let's get on to the important stuff - the raffle!
The last raffle I was at was very interesting
because the people who ran the raffle actually won it.
So it's not unusual for that to happen now and again.
Right? Ok, the winning number is...
Number 11!
Number...11.
Number 11. If anyone has that number, come up on stage!
What's that, Father McGuire? You have the winning number?
What?
A round of applause for our very own Father Dougal McGuire!
God Almighty, what were you doing?
Sorry. I was looking at the ticket upside-down.
Well, congratulations, Father Dougal.
Anyway, what a fantastic evening we've had.
We've raised enough to repair the roof and had a great time.
So let me just thank you for coming
and ask you to stand for our national anthem.
( # "Ghost Town")
For God's sake, I'll have the money for you next week!
Please, please, one more chance, that's all I ask. Please! Please!
Oh, thanks very much, Mrs Doyle.
For God's sake, have some pity! I'm a priest!
They have you every way, you know.
I was in the AA there for a while.
- The insurance was very expensive. - Oh, right...
I had to crash the car just to get the money back.
Then they had witnesses who saw me steer it towards the wall.
There was talk of me going to jail for a while and...
Ah, it's Yourself.
What can I do for you, Mrs Doyle?
Terrible news. It's Father Finnegan!
- He's had a heart attack! - No!
The doctors warned him to cut it down to 12 hours a day,
but he couldn't stop dancing!
That's terrible news.
- What's up, Ted? - Father Finnegan had a heart attack.
No! Are there any more Chipsticks?
Does that mean we can keep the car?
Dougal! The man has just...
Wait! You're right! We can!
Father...
FECk OFF!
Where did you get the air freshener?
- Car! - Oh, God.
Drived the car!
Not the new car? Tell me the truth - have you been drinking?
Yes!
From the beginning. Where did you drive?
Shops! Drink!
Corner. Stopped. Got out.
- Truck. - A truck?
Two trucks.
Let's take a look. Maybe there's something we can salvage.
It's not that bad, Ted.
Yes, God, I thought it'd be much worse than that.
Oh...
bollocks.
Dougal, how is this "not that bad"?
At least we've got the raffle money.
Please! Just give me 24 hours! Please!
(Line goes dead)
(Thunder)
(Man on TV) 'So we'll probably be seeing a lot more rain,
'at least until July, or possibly until August.'
God Almighty! Imagine anyone being so dishonest
as to steal raffle money from a priest!
Well, now, the raffle WAS rigged, Ted.
I suppose we'll be Ok, as long as a tree doesn't fall through the roof.
(Thunder crashes)
For a moment, I thought...
(Crash)
This is a piece of advice my father gave to me.
Now, this not only refers to lagging, but all forms of insulation.
He said, "Don't ever..."
No, no, it was, "Always! Always re..." No!
It was, "Never..." Oh, I've forgotten.
Never mind. What's your favourite humming noise?
Would it be "hmmmm"
or would it be "hmmm-MMMMM"?
The first one there, that's the sound of a fridge.
The second one, that's the sound of a man humming.
You never hear a woman humming.
I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards.
Now, if you push me, I'd have to say my favourite colour was grey...
no, blue, a soft blue, with a hint of grey.
No, orange. Orange. That's it, I remember.
I have an extension put on the house, now.
I put it on the extension,
so the house is in a circle now, you see?