All right, everybody, come on.
Out on the dance floor.
Look at the happy couple.
No exceptions. Up out of your chairs.
I can feel all the happiness in here.
All right!
Look at him go.
If I...
I get to know your name...
If I...
Could trace your private number, baby...
All I know is that to me...
You look like you're lots of fun.
Open up them lovin' arms.
I want some, want some.
I set my sights on you.
And no one else will do.
And I...
I got to have my way now, baby.
All I know is that to me...
You look like you're lots of fun.
Open up them lovin' arms.
Watch out, here I come.
You spin me right round, baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me right round, baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
Somebody get some pants on that kid.
If I...
I got to be your friend...
Grandma Molly, I'm talking to you.
And I...
Would like to move in just a little bit closer.
All I know is that to me...
You look like you're lots of fun.
Open up your lovin' arms.
Watch out, here I come.
You spin me right round, baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me right round, baby, right round...
Like a record, baby.
I want your love.
Uncle Marty!
All I know is that to me...
You look like you're lots of fun.
Open up your lovin' arms.
Watch out, here I come.
You spin me right round, baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me right round, baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me round...
And round...
And round.
Very nice.
Good job, lady. You were shakin'.
It is gonna be fun today.
The best man's gonna come up and say a few words...
so let's put our hands together for the groom's brother David.
All right, Dave.
When my brother Harold asked me to be the best man...
I was like, "Whoa, of course, man...
"because you've always been there for me. "
Like when I was in rehab...
and like the time I couldn't find my car.
'Cause, Harold, he's always been the dependable one.
I've always been the screwed-up one. Right, Dad?
"Why can't you be more like your brother?
"Harold would never beat up his landlord. "
He's drunk as shit.
But...
a little news flash, Pop.
Harold ain't so perfect.
Remember that time in Puerto Rico...
when we picked up those two...
I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.
How about that?
Terrific.
I'm a person, too, Pop, goddamn it!
You're a moron!
The best man, everybody.
Best man. The better man.
We've all done crazy things in our life, so...
He's playing the guitar now. Isn't that great?
He's doing good.
Sounds good?
It's because I'm the best guitar player in the world.
Self-taught.
No lessons, thank you very much, Pop.
All right.
They'll be divorced in a year.
Very good.
I think we all know that when you fall in love...
the emptiness kind of drifts away.
That's all I'm talking about.
I've done some crazy things in my life, too...
but then I met a very special girl...
a girl who I'm actually marrying next week.
Thank you.
So all I'm saying is that when you fall in love...
the emptiness drifts away...
because you find something to live for...
each other.
And the way I've seen you two...
looking into each other's eyes all day long...
I can tell that you're gonna live for each other...
for the rest of your lives.
So cheers.
That's a good wedding singer.
Now on behalf of Mr. and Mrs. Harold Veltri...
you guys have a nice dinner.
George Stitzer's gonna take over on lead vocals...
so take it away, George.
Give me time...
To realize my crime.
Let me love and stay.
- Jesus. - Scary.
I have danced...
I like her.
Inside your eyes.
How can love...
Be real?
Do you really want to hurt me?
Good save, wedding singer.
Good job.
Sammy, how come you're not out with your limo? What's up?
That new waitress. That's what's up.
Is she in trouble.
She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it...
and I'm gonna give it to her.
Take it easy, man. Who is she?
She's Holly Sullivan's cousin.
If she's half as easy as Holly...
I'll close this deal by the end of the week.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
Please. It's her first day.
Always takes them three weeks...
to realize they shouldn't date anyone at work.
You like being the guy that helps them realize that?
Yes, I do.
You want to be like Fonzie, don't you?
You're on your way.
Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cry?
Prime rib, please.
Always the prime rib. Make them eat the fish.
Andre, can I have three prime rib?
Your wish is my command, madame.
How come he's so nice to you?
I let him look at my boobs at the Christmas party.
Not my finest half-hour...
but it's been a pleasant working environment ever since.
So, how's your first night going?
Being at this wedding is making me realize...
that Glenn is never going to set a date...
and I've been wearing this ring for two years...
and I feel like an idiot.
You know what you must do?
Relax. Don't do it.
I feel stupid for moving here to be closer to him.
I think you need a break. Go out back and get some air.
I'll cover your tables.
You OK?
You going to throw up?
Come with me, man.
Give me time...
What?
Here we go.
Come on.
You got it. There.
Is he a friend of yours?
Me? No.
I couldn't let him do it in front of his family.
Wow.
I'm glad I got to see it.
You all through?
Going to wait a few years before you drink again?
All right, remember, alcohol equals puke...
equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.
I got it from here.
Know what? You go this way, and you go this way.
It's for the best. It's all right. Take it easy.
See you later. Sleep it off, pal.
Hey, you know, wedding singer?
Are you drinking, too?
No. It's Coca-cola.
Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-cola?
I'm not a big drinker...
and if it was, I'd be puking more than that kid.
I don't think anybody could puke more than that kid.
I think I saw a boot come out.
You're the wedding singer.
How you doing? I'm Robbie.
I'm Julia.
I'm actually waitressing at your wedding next week.
Cool. That's a beautiful ring you have there.
Are you getting married, too?
Actually, I don't know how serious the guy is...
who gave this to me.
I feel like I'm doomed to wander the planet alone forever.
Like the Incredible Hulk?
Yeah... only I'm not helping people.
That's not true, because I saw you inside.
You were helping people.
You were giving them fish and coffee and forks.
People can't eat without forks.
And they can't drink without a fish.
That's right. What does that mean?
I don't know. You lost me back at the Hulk.
Robbie, you better get back in there.
They're starting to turn on George.
- Sit down! - You suck!
He's got to learn a new song.
But it was nice to meet you.
It was nice meeting you, too.
And if I ever get married, maybe you'll sing at my wedding.
Oh, man. It's a deal.
Take care.
There was love...
All around...
But I never...
Heard it singing.
Very nice.
No, I never...
Heard it at all...
Pretty.
'Til there was you.
Much better.
You're going to blow everybody away...
at your fiftieth anniversary party.
If I sing to Frank without making any mistakes...
he would know how hard I've worked...
and how much I still love him after all these years.
I hope 50 years from now...
Linda and I are as happy as you two guys.
You will be. It runs in your family.
You're a born romantic, just like your father was.
I know they'll be looking down on you tomorrow.
I hope so.
Are you nervous?
I'm actually not that nervous, you know?
I'm at weddings all the time. It's going to be fun.
Not about the wedding- about the wedding night.
Will this be your first time with intercourse?
Don't be ashamed.
When I got married, I wasn't a virgin.
I already had intercourse with eight men.
That's actually something I don't want to know about.
That was a lot back then. That would be like 200 today.
It's 5:00. I'm going to get going.
But your payment.
My payment. Can I get it to go?
You're such a sweet boy...
letting an old woman pay you with meatballs.
They taste so good, it's like I'm ripping you off.
I don't have any clean Tupperware.
All right, definitely next time.
Don't be silly. Now hold out your hands.
- You want to- - Do it.
Cool.
Thanks a lot.
Now, please, take a bite...
so that I can watch you enjoy.
That's my favorite part.
Well... I'll go with the right one.
That looks good.
That's a good meatball.
Now, listen to me, Robbie Hart.
You're going to be a fine husband.
I hope so, Rosie. Thank you.
I'm going to leave.
I'll see you at the wedding, all right?
Thank you for coming in and taking me to lunch.
Look at the picture of that girl. See that?
You're a lot prettier than that girl...
and she's getting married.
What does pretty have to do with getting married?
Everything. You got to get married...
before your hips start spreading and you get facial hair...
which, by the way, comes from your father's mother.
Looks like Magnum, P.I., for God's sake.
I can't make Glenn set a date.
You're going to hate this idea...
but I think you should consider a fake pregnancy.
I'm exiting the car.
It's just a means to an end.
In five years, he'll thank you for it.
Perhaps we should call her.
She's probably got a make-up problem or her dress.
I know her. She likes to look her best.
Hey, sis.
Hi, Robs.
I just got off the phone with Linda's mom.
Linda's not there, but...
there was a note.
A note?
Everything all right?
Yeah, she's OK.
It basically indicated...
that Linda was...
not coming today.
So, it was a bad note.
Did she say why?
I am so sorry, honey.
It's OK.
You want me to say something?
Just give me a second. I'll be right back.
Oh, my God, she's not showing up.
Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right.
It's OK.
Oh, God!
You can't catch me!
I'm going to get you and chop you up!
Can we turn this crap off, please?
That's right, Robbie. You have to let it out.
- Let what out? - Your feelings.
About what that lousy bitch did to you today.
Don't call her that...
because we're going to get back together...
and then there will be weirdness between you and me...
so just watch it.
I made this for you, Uncle Robbie.
Thanks, Freddy Krueger.
That's not nice.
Very creative, though.
Go back to the boiler room.
I just wish I knew where she was, you know?
He's taking it pretty bad.
He's acting like a real robot...
a zombie or something.
He's been wanting to get married since the third grade.
It makes sense. That's when Mom and Dad died.
He wants to start a family of his own.
Check out the cake.
There's only a little groom on top.
You're late.
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't do it.
If you need some more time, I guess I can wait.
No, I don't need more time, Robbie.
I don't ever want to marry you.
You know, that information...
might have been a little more useful to me yesterday.
I've been talking to my friends the last couple of days...
Here it comes.
And I think I figured out what's been bothering me.
I'm not in love with Robbie now.
I'm in love with Robbie six years ago...
Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning...
when I used to come and watch you from the front row...
in your spandex pants...
your silk shirt unbuttoned...
licking the microphone like David Lee Roth.
I still got the spandex. I'll put them on right now.
The point is, I woke up this morning...
and I realized I'm about to marry a wedding singer.
I am never going to leave Ridgefield.
Why do you need to leave Ridgefield?
We grew up here. All our friends are here.
It's the perfect place to raise a family.
Living in your sister's basement with five kids...
while you're off every weekend doing wedding gigs...
at a whopping 60 bucks a pop?
Once again...
things that could have been brought to my attention...
yesterday!
The fact is, we grew apart a long time ago.
You wanted to get married. You didn't care to who.
That's not true. I love you. Come here.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Hey, Linda.
You're a bitch.
Thanks, Petey. Go back to the house.
He might have Tourette's syndrome.
We're looking into it.
I got to go.
I'm sorry.
Ninety-nine Luftballons...
Glenn!
Don't be so jumpy.
These are for you.
Thank you.
They're beautiful.
I have something else for you.
Two airplane tickets to Las Vegas?
Oh, my God, Glenn!
I know you wanted to set a date...
so I went to the travel agent and set it.
Glenn, I love you so much...
but Las Vegas? I thought-
Jules, it's the romance capital of the world.
I just don't want a big wedding-
hundreds of people we don't know...
that are just there for the free drinks...
and all-you-can-eat buffet.
They might as well be in Vegas.
Las Vegas it is, and it'll be great.
Are you going to do the girl thing?
You're going to act happy and be pouting on the inside?
I'm happy.
All right.
Let's get married here.
I know that's what you want.
Thank you, Glenn.
It's more important to you anyway.
I promise I will give you the most beautiful wedding...
and even you'll have a good time.
It's about time his best friend showed up.
So, how's he doing?
I don't know.
He's been down in the basement since it happened.
Five days now.
I think he's having some kind of a mental situation...
an episode or something.
All right.
You do something, because I don't want to be known...
as the brother-in-law of the town nut job.
I got enough problems already.
Shit, I got water all over myself.
Hello?
You all right?
These sheets are soft. You use Downy?
All Tempa-Cheer.
You can wash your clothes at any temperature...
and the colors don't run together.
- Really? - Yeah. Now leave me alone.
You have to go back to work.
There's going to be over a hundred drunk girls...
at this wedding tonight.
I've got nothing to offer anybody.
I haven't done jack shit since high school.
Why would any girl ever marry me?
Marry you?
I'm just trying to get someone to play with your ding-dong.
Holiday...
Celebrate...
If we took a holiday...
Took some time to celebrate...
Come on, let's celebrate.
Just one day out of life...
It would be...
It would be so nice.
Everybody spread the word.
I live in my sister's basement.
He just had his heart broken.
Why would he even think about coming back to work?
I don't know.
Celebrate.
You guys are off to a great start.
I mean...
Cindy showed up, so, right away, Scott...
you got to be pretty psyched.
I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life.
I'm paying you to sing.
I have a microphone, and you don't...
so you will listen to every damn word...
I have to say!
It's funny. Some of us will never find true love.
Like, take, for instance... me.
And I'm pretty sure that guy right there.
And that lady with the sideburns.
And basically everybody at table nine.
But the worst thing is...
that me, fatty, sideburns lady...
and the mutants over at table nine...
will never, ever find a way to better the situation...
because...
apparently, we have absolutely nothing to offer...
the opposite sex.
You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!
Sir, one more outburst...
I will strangle you with my microphone wire.
Let's cut the stupid cake...
because the fat guy's going to have a heart attack...
if we don't eat again soon.
And while we do that, here's a little mood music.
Cindy and Scott are newlyweds.
He loves her...
But she loves this guy right here...
And he loves somebody else.
You just can't win.
And so it goes...
Until the day you die.
This thing they call love...
Is gonna make you cry.
I hate you.
I've had the blues...
The reds and the pinks.
One thing's for sure...
Love stinks?
Love stinks.
Drug addict! Degenerate!
I was wondering what happened to you.
Did everybody leave?
Pretty much, except for a few cops...
that are still interviewing some witnesses.
I'm going to get the hell out of here.
So it was your first wedding back.
Of course things are going to be a little shaky.
A little shaky? I hate weddings.
I hate the bride. I hate the groom.
I want them to be miserable, because that's what I am.
No. You're the best.
At what? People eat prime rib, and I sing.
It's a joke. I can't do this anymore.
Glenn and I set the date...
so you have to play our wedding.
Congratulations.
I just can't do it, all right?
I'm having an engagement party in two weeks...
and I really want you and Sammy to come.
Good, you're here.
Robbie's here! Let's move it!
The kids have been fed, but if they want snacks...
there's ice pops in the freezer, or microwave popcorn.
Good.
Are you going to the engagement party?
Yeah, I'll probably go.
Come on, Andy, move your ass!
Hang on. I'm watching Dallas.
I think J.R. might be dead. They shot him.
Good night.
- Love you. - Love you.
Time to make the donuts.
I made the donuts.
Dunkin' donuts- up to 52 varieties...
Uncle Robbie's here.
Hey, the Goofball Brothers.
Is it true you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
- Who said that? - Everybody.
You're eight years old. You only know your parents.
What are you talking about?
Is it true you're gonna end up in a mental institution?
Cuckoo's nest!
Hey, kids.
Remember what we talked about?
Go over there and watch some television.
Can I speak to you for a second?
Everybody...
I've been thinking about what happened to you...
and it's all for the best.
I know you were in love and everything...
but that wears off.
Me and your sister, we used to be wild.
She was very adventurous...
and we got into some crazy shit.
But now the thrill is gone.
If we get a second alone, we usually go to sleep.
If it's a special occasion...
she might do this exotic dance for me.
What?
Sometimes she might work with my nipples a bit.
All right, enough. Go out.
I'll take care of the kids.
I don't know what I just said, but I said something.
Women got a thing about marriage.
If you want to stay with them, you're gonna have to marry them.
No big deal. There she is.
The girl who finally beat me into submission.
That's right.
August 5th is less than three months away.
We've got a lot of planning to do.
Do you think it would be better...
if maybe you took over all the arrangements?
I'd like to do it together.
Yeah, but you like this stuff.
It's really not my thing.
God forbid I screw up the wedding flowers.
How could I live with myself?
He'll be so wasted...
he won't know flowers are at the wedding.
I hear you're gonna have your bachelor party Friday.
Gonna be all right with that? You might miss Miami Vice.
Nope. Summer. Reruns. I'm all set.
Great.
All right, nice house.
I told you this guy was loaded.
I know. In and out, though. I don't want to be here long.
Let me just pick up a chick, and we'll get out of here.
What do you think of the jacket?
I would lose that glove. You look nuts.
There's Julia.
Let's go say hello.
Hi, you guys.
I'm so glad you came.
Jason, this is Robbie and Sammy...
and this is my fiance Glenn.
- Congratulations, Glenn. - Thank you.
Robbie Hart.
I heard what happened to you at your wedding.
That was so cold. You must have felt like shit.
No. It felt really good. Thanks for bringing it up.
My parents died when I was 10. Want to talk about that?
Why would we want to talk about that?
I don't know.
Somebody needs a drink.
Actually, I'm not a big drinker.
I am. How about an Alabama Slammer?
Sounds like a plan.
Meet me at the bar. I gotta piss first.
Have a few drinks and drive home.
Julia, thanks for inviting us.
I'm glad you guys came. We hang out at work so much...
but we don't get to talk 'cause we're always so busy.
We should make time to talk, don't you think?
Know what? The first time this guy saw you...
he told me he was gonna hit on you.
- Really? - That's not true.
Yeah, it is. You told me she was in trouble.
She was gonna get it, and she didn't even know it.
He's teasing. I would never say that.
You said you were gonna give it to her.
Give me what, exactly?
You're a jerk.
What do you mean? You didn't know she was engaged.
So now you're not gonna give it to me?
Very funny.
Say hi to your brother Tito.
So how are you doing?
I'm doing better. I don't know.
How are you and Glenn doing with the wedding plans?
Glenn isn't really- He's very busy right now.
He works on Wall Street. You know how that is nowadays.
Wall Street-stocks and stuff?
Actually, he's in bonds.
He barely has time to sleep, let alone plan a wedding...
so I'm kind of doing this on my own.
But I went to Marshall's for the floral centerpieces.
Marshall's? You should go to Tony's.
They're cheaper, and they've got a great selection.
All right. Well, thank you for the tip.
It's a shame you won't be doing weddings anymore.
We won't get to hang out as much.
We'll get to hang out.
There's other things to do besides weddings, right?
Oy, oy, bar mitzvah...
Mazel tov...
L'chaim!
Let's keep the fun rolling. Take it away, George.
Do you really want to hurt me?
You seem kind of sad.
Why don't you get out there and dance?
I asked that girl over there. She turned me down.
She said she didn't dance with losers.
Man. That hurts.
But why would you want to dance with somebody...
who doesn't want to dance with you? Right?
Listen, don't worry.
You're gonna meet a girl who treats you right someday.
I promise you.
How you guys doing? All right?
I want you to meet a friend of mine...
by the name of Julia Sullivan.
Could you come out here for a second?
Say hi to Julia, everybody.
Hello.
Now, who of you out there would like to dance...
with this fine-looking woman?
I'd like to do more than dance with her.
Wow, Julia.
Sounds to me like you got your pick...
of any man in this room to dance with...
so I want you to take your time...
and find amongst all these young studs here tonight...
the coolest, most un-losery guy in the bunch.
Pick me.
Please pick me.
May I have this dance?
OK, pal, have fun.
I can only give you love...
That lasts forever...
And a promise to be near...
Each time you call...
And the only heart I own...
For you and you alone...
That's all.
All I have are these arms...
To enfold you. Just go with it.
And a love time can never destroy.
Take it, George.
Come here, Big Red.
If you're wondering what I'm asking...
In return, dear...
You'll be glad to know...
That my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore...
For now and ever more.
That's all.
To the new lord of the ladies!
You're a lovely dancer.
- Are you gonna tell Glenn? - About what?
About you and that kid and him squeezing your tush?
He did have very strong hands for a 13-year-old.
I could see that.
By the way, thank you for recommending Tony the florist.
His flowers were beautiful, and he didn't overcharge me.
Good. I'm glad.
And a new girl in town...
could certainly use that kind of help on everything.
You got Holly and your mother, right?
My mother lives 50 miles away...
and Holly's not into that kind of thing...
so that really only leaves one person.
I would, but, you know, I just-I can't.
I understand.
I just don't know how to go about this.
I'm afraid I'm gonna pay $500 for a half-eaten wedding cake.
I really gotta concentrate on getting some more gigs.
There's only four Jewish families in this town.
All right.
I have never done it for that cheap.
I know for a fact you gave Eric Lamensoft that price.
I did not.
Faye, look at me.
Look me in the eyes. I'm right here.
Don't look away. Did you give him that price or not?
OK. Just that one time. So you got me.
Can I say something?
I deal with a lot of people, but you two look truly happy.
You're gonna make it. I know. Believe me.
How do you know?
You can just look at a couple...
and you can tell right away...
they're gonna stay together forever.
Like Donald and Ivana...
and Woody and Mia...
and Burt and Loni.
We're not getting married.
That's right. Actually, we're brother and sister.
So that's it. I could sense a closeness.
The weird thing is, when we were growing up...
we didn't get along 'cause I used to do this to her.
We're gonna go now. Come here, sis.
Your ass is grass.
I'm telling Mom when we get home.
Yes, it's ladies' night...
And the feeling's right.
Yes, it's ladies' night.
Oh, what a...
Oh, what a night.
Yes, it's ladies' night...
And the feeling's right.
I've never seen it from this perspective before.
Is this what I look like?
No. You're much better than him.
He's ridiculous.
One...
Romantic lady...
Single baby...
Sophisticated mama...
Come on, you disco lady.
Send me a line, mama.
Yes, it's ladies' night.
Oh, what a night!
Chaka Khan!
Thank you. This is Jimmy Moore...
saying that ain't no sock in my crotch.
Take four, everybody.
Jimmy, that was really good. Thank you.
No. Thank you.
- For what? - For quitting.
Or... should I thank Linda?
My business has tripled.
You've just inspired me to hire a D.J...
so thank you.
Good luck finding a D.J. who can move and shake like this.
How did you become a wedding singer?
I think I got into it to make some money...
until my music career took off.
And you wanted to be a rock star?
I kind of just wanted to be a songwriter, you know?
That's the hardest thing, to write a song.
A song that when people hear it...
they go, "Ohh, I know what that guy was feeling...
"when he wrote that. "
Have you written anything lately?
Yeah, I guess.
Will you play it for me?
You don't want to hear it. It's not good.
I'm sure it is.
I wrote half of it when I was with Linda...
and I wrote the other half after we broke up...
so it's a little uneven, you know?
I don't mind. I'd like to hear it.
Yeah, all right.
I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song...
I was listening to The Cure a lot, so...
Here we go.
You don't know...
How much...
I need you.
While you're near me...
I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss...
I know you need me, too.
I can't believe I found a love...
That's so pure and true...
But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddamn joke...
And when I think of you, Linda...
I hope you fuckin' choke.
I hope you're glad...
With what you've done to me.
I lay in bed...
All day long...
Feeling melancholy.
You left me here...
All alone...
Tears running constantly.
Oh, somebody kill me, please.
I'm on my knees.
Pretty, pretty please.
Kill me.
I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.
I liked it.
He's losing his mind...
and I'm reaping all the benefits.
Thank you for the ice cream. It always cheers me up.
It's my pleasure.
I feel weird being in this place.
We came here all the time. We used to get chocolate shakes.
May I ask what happened with Linda?
She wasn't the right one, I guess.
Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one...
when you were together?
I should have.
I remember we went to the Grand Canyon once.
We were flying there, and I'd never been before...
and Linda had, so you would think...
that she would give me the window seat...
but she didn't.
Not that that's a big deal, you know?
But there were a lot of little things like that.
- I know that sounds stupid. - Not at all.
I think it's the little things that count.
How did you know that Glenn was the right one?
The right one.
I always just envisioned the right one...
being someone I could see myself growing old with.
And Glenn will be a really good-looking older man...
like Blake Carrington.
I'm gonna probably look like Buddy Hackett.
Of course I'm gonna hire him.
He's your best friend and the only limo driver in town.
Yeah. I just like having fun with him.
Wow. Look at him go.
Better move it, man.
You're not gonna make it.
You hit 2 cones. Those could have been people.
Those could have been guests at her wedding.
They were cones.
That was fun today. Wasn't that fun?
That was fun.
- I got the job, right? - Yeah, you did.
It's August 5th, a week from today.
Someone left a jacket in the back.
That's Julia's jacket.
Remember? She took it off on Noxon Street.
She said it's not jacket weather anymore.
- Uh-oh. - What?
- You like her. - No, I don't.
Of course you do. She's a cool chick with a hot ass.
You talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck.
Anyway, she told me she likes you.
Really?
She said that?
Think about it.
It's gonna be your first kiss as a married couple.
It's perfectly acceptable to open your mouth.
I just would not want to do that in a church...
in front of God and all of our relatives.
It would gross them out to see me like...
No one will ever solve that.
You forgot your jacket in the limo.
Thank you for bringing it back. That's so nice of you.
Yeah, it was.
I'll see you later, all right? Have fun today.
Hey, wait a second.
Maybe... he can help us.
You're the expert on this.
We were just having a debate about wedding kisses.
I say that it's OK for it to be an open-mouth kiss.
And I say that it's the type of occasion...
where people dress up, so it's not appropriate.
- I see. - What do you want to do?
Thin, tight mouth, and it's over?
No. Thin, partially open.
No tongues, over.
No tongue? Please. There has got to be a little.
Maybe a little tongue.
Not porno tongue. Church tongue.
Church tongue. I like that.
Church tongue? What is that?
I don't know how to describe it.
Well, show me.
Not on me. How about on him?
You don't mind, do you?
Come on, just hold still. Julia, go ahead.
Come on. We're all adults here.
I'm gonna have to see it to make an educated decision.
Well, if it's for educational purposes.
Good. OK. All right, you ready?
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wow.
That... was... great.
Julia, you should do that at the wedding.
I gave her the jacket.
Hey, Jules. Hey, Holly.
I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything.
I just brought her the jacket.
Kissed who?
Oh, me.
Who hasn't?
I got you something. It's called a CD player.
Cost me 700 bucks...
but the sound quality is outstanding.
You want to play a record?
Jules, it doesn't play records. It plays CDs.
It's a CD player.
I'll be upstairs hooking it up.
Oh, my God, Robbie is so amazingly cute.
I think I should go out with him.
Yeah, why not?
You're single, and he's single. It makes sense.
If you don't want me to, I won't do it.
Why would I not want you to?
Good, then I'm going out with him.
Who you going out with?
Good. That guy needs to get laid.
Excuse me.
Because he's going out with me doesn't mean he'll get laid.
All right, he probably will.
Do you think he'll go out with me?
Jules is chums with him. She'll fix it up, won't you?
You know what would be fun? Let's go on a double date.
Robbie, you look so cute tonight.
Thank you.
I like these rubber bracelets. You look like Madonna.
Yeah, that's the idea.
Here you go.
So, Robbie, how's your business going?
I'm actually working on a game plan right now.
You should look into the bond market.
- That's where the money is. - Glenn's in junk bonds.
No, Jules, it's high-yield bonds.
Do I tell people you're in junk waitressing?
My grandmother gave me a savings bond when I was a kid.
I get $25 in 1993, so that'll be good.
So we totally look like a couple.
Don't you think we look great together?
David Bowie playing. He's the best.
I think he's coming to town in September.
I love David Bowie.
When I get excited...
My little China girl...
She says, "Oh, baby, just you shut your mouth. "
Shut your mouth. All right.
We all know the words.
God, I love David Bowie. He is so sexy.
You think the "time to make the donuts" guy is sexy.
That guy is funny.
You know who else I think is sexy?
That's good. Thank you very much.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Excuse us, guys. We'll be right back.
She'll feel better once she yaks.
I hope so.
So...
Sunday's the big day, huh?
I don't even know your last name.
It's Gulia.
Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia.
Julia Gulia. That's funny.
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
Are you excited?
Yeah. She's paid her dues, been with me four years.
I owe it to her to get married.
You had the Long Island iced tea.
Plus, you know, you probably...
you want to get married.
I don't want to break up.
Plus, she was with me before I made my money...
so I know I can trust her.
That is a luscious ass right there, isn't it?
My God.
That's Grade-A, top-choice meat.
Like to bite right through that thing.
Chew on it.
But we can't get chicks like that anymore.
We're too old.
Speak for yourself. I'm not too old.
I can still get chicks like that.
Not that hot, though, right?
I've gotten hotter.
10 years ago.
Try 10 days ago.
Really?
As hot as that?
Hotter and younger.
How do you do it, man?
How do you do it without getting caught?
Julia is totally preoccupied with the wedding.
She doesn't know what's going on.
Oh, man.
You know what sucks, though?
Once you get married, the party's over, right?
I work in the city, man.
And I work long hours.
Yeah, that's something.
Julia's feeling a little under the weather.
Told you she was gonna yak.
Yeah, you called it.
Why don't you go get your car and meet us out front?
Oh, God. I forgot my purse.
Do me a favor and put her in the car with Glenn.
- No problem. - It's OK.
I puked.
OK. Don't worry.
I vomited in my hair.
All right.
Does my hair smell bad?
No, it smells good, actually.
Just feel better, all right?
Hi, Glenn.
Don't puke in the car, all right?
It'll stink for a week.
What do you think of Glenn? Do you think he's trustworthy?
Yeah, he better be.
Who cares about Glenn?
You know what I keep thinking about?
What?
That soft kiss from the other day.
It looked really nice.
Did it feel good?
I don't know.
I don't remember.
Could I refresh your memory?
Yummy.
So you know Julia's staying at Glenn's tonight.
Look, Robbie, I know that you're shy...
and I know that you've been hurt...
so I'm gonna make this really easy on you.
If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.
Wow.
Nobody's ever said that to me before.
I just-I'm telling you...
my head's kind of a mess right now.
Julia's staying at Glenn's tonight, huh?
Does she stay over there a lot?
Really?
Oh, my God.
What?
I can't believe I never noticed it before.
You've got a thing for Julia.
Oh, no, I don't.
I think she's a very nice girl...
but she's marrying that jerk-off.
You know why she's marrying him, don't you?
The money thing?
Security? A nice house?
I guess that's important to some people.
No, it's...
It's not important to some people, Robbie.
It's important to all people.
Really? Then I guess I'm in big trouble.
Morning, sunshine.
I have a bad headache.
A really bad headache.
Can I cook you some breakfast?
How was your bottle of rum last night?
I didn't vomit on you, did I?
A little on my shoe, but I was wearing your shoes.
Good.
So, did anything happen with Robbie last night?
A kiss.
Did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?
I kissed him.
And then what?
Nothing.
He sure doesn't think much of Glenn, though.
Really? What did he say?
That Glenn's a jerk-off.
Why would he say that?
Who knows? Maybe he was jealous.
Don't worry. I told him why you were marrying him.
Why did you tell him I was marrying him?
Because you love him...
and because...
because with Glenn, you'll have security.
But that's not why I'm marrying him.
Then why are you?
Hi, Rosie. How are you?
Fine, dear.
Is Robbie here? I came by to give him something.
No, Julia. I'm afraid he's not.
But it's Thursday. You have singing lessons today.
Not anymore.
Now that he's gone to the city to get a real job...
he doesn't have time to give me lessons.
Why do you think you'd be a good hire for this bank?
I'm ready to work hard...
and when I put my mind to something, I go all the way.
I'll go all the way for you, sir.
Do you have any experience?
I have no experience, but I'm a big fan of money.
I like it. I use it. I have a little.
I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator.
I'd like to put more in it. That's where you come in.
He wants to make money.
Live in a nice house with wide windows and lamps.
You can't expect him to live forever with his sister...
and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.
I thank you for your time.
Actually, sir, I need this job to impress a girl.
Will you leave now, please?
You don't even have to give me the job.
If you could give me some cards with my name on it...
I think that might help.
I'm gonna try and go look for him, OK?
Tell him I'll give him a raise.
Three meatballs a lesson.
How about this?
10 singing lessons for one business card.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Julia. What are you doing here?
I went by Rosie's to find you.
I'm not doing that anymore.
I thought that teaching was a big part of your life.
It was, but now I'm doing some stuff...
to better my situation.
Sounds kind of selfish.
It's not selfish. There's a lot of money out there.
I'm trying to get my hands on some.
But you don't want to be just another yuppie idiot.
What's wrong with that?
Don't want to live in my sister's basement anymore.
I want to get a big house, have some security.
Can't do that doing favors for people all the time...
getting paid in meatballs.
But you're above all that material bullshit.
I don't know. We're living in a material world...
and I am a material girl. Or boy.
No, you're not.
What about you? You're into material shit.
What do you mean?
You're marrying Glenn 'cause he's got money.
You asshole.
Oh, my gosh. She made me a present.
I am an asshole!
You're going to the mental institution.
Beat it!
- Rudy. - Same?
Give me the same, please.
What's up?
- There he is. - You all right?
You know something?
You were right. You've always been right.
What have I been so right about?
Women. You just have fun with them.
You get emotionally involved, and they end up...
What do they do to you?
They rip your heart out of your ass.
That's right.
Did something happen with Julia?
I went on that double date, right?
And the moron she's gonna marry...
actually tells me he cheats on her.
But can I tell her?
No. Who am I to break up a marriage?
You need a prostitute.
Anyways... I'm confused.
Because you like her.
I think I'm in love with her.
But I gotta get that out of my head, you know?
From now on, I'm gonna be like you.
I'm gonna be with a different chick every night...
and then I'll send them packin'.
Sounds like you got it all figured out.
I'm gonna have to give them cab money to go home...
because I'll feel bad if I don't...
but after that, it's Bye-Bye, Birdie.
That's it, man, starting right now.
We are gonna be free and happy the rest of our lives.
I'm not happy. I'm miserable.
What?
I grew up idolizing guys...
like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino...
'cause they got a lot of chicks.
You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino?
I read that Fonzie wants to be a director...
and Barbarino, I think, the mechanical bull movie.
I didn't see it yet.
Their shows got canceled 'cause no one wants to see
a 50-year-old guy hitting on chicks.
What are you saying?
What I'm saying is, all I really want...
is someone to hold me...
and tell me that everything is gonna be all right.
Everything is gonna be all right.
If you found someone you can love...
you can't let her get away.
You're right, man. Thank you, Sammy.
Don't tell anyone what I said.
Mom.
Do you really like Glenn?
Oh, sure, honey. What's not to like?
He's rich, he's charming, he's handsome...
and now he's really got it all 'cause he's got you.
Honey, what's the matter?
I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.
Why? What happened?
I just don't know if he's the right guy for me.
And I've been spending a lot of time...
with this other man, Robbie Hart.
The wedding singer?
You're thinking of leaving Glenn for the wedding singer?
I don't know what I'm thinking.
I'm confused.
I know, sweetie.
You've got what is known as the jitters, cold feet.
Everybody has 'em. I had 'em.
Course, I should have run screaming down the street...
instead of marrying your father, but Glenn is different.
He's a keeper.
You're gonna marry Glenn on Sunday.
You're gonna love him...
and everything's gonna be wonderful.
Where's your veil? It's downstairs.
I'll go get it.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
I'm Mrs. Glenn Gulia.
Hello. It's nice to meet you. I'm Julia Gulia.
Right when I wake up in the morning...
you're the first person that pops in my head.
I keep thinking about you over and over.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Mrs. Julia Gulia.
I'm pleased to meet you.
I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart.
Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding.
Pretty good?
What happened?
She just looked way too happy. I couldn't do it.
I'm sorry, man.
Hey, Rudy. Get Robbie a double.
Actually, Rudy, don't even worry about it.
I brought my own.
You can't drink that in here.
All right.
I'll finish up in the alley. Are you guys coming?
It's the wedding singer.
Hey, Glenn. What's up?
I heard you couldn't close the deal with Holly.
What's the matter with that? You're not...
You like women, right?
Not as much as you do, I guess.
We're gonna have a little pre-bachelor party.
You want to come and have a beer?
You're ridiculous, man.
Stop all this cheating shit, moron.
She's a good girl.
Hey, asswipe...
don't go snitchin' to Julia about this.
I know you got some little crush on her...
but you gotta face the facts.
She'd rather go to bed with a real man...
not some poor singing orphan.
All right, shithead. I haven't been in a fight...
since I was in the fifth grade...
but I beat the shit out of that kid...
so now I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
I used to be much stronger.
Why don't you write a song about this?
You can call it...
"I got punched in the nose...
"for stickin' my face in other people's business. "
Way to go.
Sounds like a country song.
Kiss my grits.
I can see that you're drunk, and that's OK.
I'm still gonna tell you this.
I really miss you, and I want to come back.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
You're not alone anymore.
Linda's back.
Can I help you?
Is Robbie here?
I'm afraid he's indisposed.
Shower.
You must be Linda.
Yeah, that's me... Robbie's fiancee.
Who are you?
I'm Julia Sullivan.
Would you tell him that I came by to see him?
Oh, yeah, surely will, Jennifer.
It's Julia.
Wake up, sleepyhead.
This is the first day of our new life together.
Wake me up...
Before you go-go.
Don't leave me hanging on like a solo.
What are you doing here?
Well, you passed out, so I took care of you.
What? Why'd you take care of me?
I told you last night. I realized I was wrong...
and I want to take care of you for good.
I can learn to deal with the fact...
that you're a wedding singer and not a rock star.
You can learn to deal with that?
I don't want you to learn to deal with that.
That's not how it works. Jeez!
Maybe we should talk about this when you're feeling better.
Hey, psycho...
I'm not gonna feel better about this.
It's over.
Now please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt...
before you jinx the band and they break up.
So you're still pissed about that wedding thing.
Glenn, good morning.
Hey, baby.
You gonna make breakfast in bed?
Actually, I've been doing some thinking, and...
I don't need a big wedding...
and I think that I've been really selfish...
making you do something you don't even want to do.
You wanna go to Vegas?
All right. Let's go.
There were bells...
On a hill...
But I never heard them ringing.
No, I never heard them at all...
'Til there was you.
And there was music...
And there were wonderful roses.
They tell me...
In sweet...
Fragrant meadows...
Of dawn and dew.
There was love...
All around...
Flight number 1156 is now ready for boarding.
We'd like to ask passengers traveling with small children...
I never heard it at all...
'Til there was you.
I just always envisioned the right one...
being someone I could grow old with.
I know. I'll go get the car.
Rosie, congratulations.
I gotta go take care of something, OK?
I know you do. Go get her.
All right.
- I need to talk to you. - I can't talk right now.
- Are you back with Linda? - No. Who said that?
Julia. She went to your house...
to tell you she was falling for you...
and Linda answered the door in her underwear.
She was so upset...
she and Glenn jumped a plane to Vegas.
What do you mean? They're getting married tomorrow.
Apparently, that wasn't soon enough.
I said, hip, hop...
A- hippie to the hippie to the hip, hip, hop.
You don't stop rockin' to the bang, bang boogie...
Say, up comes the boogie...
To the rhythm of the boogie that beats.
We're now ready for our general boarding.
That's it, sweetie. Ready to go?
This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around.
You want to do some gambling and fun right away...
or just get married?
I just want to get married.
You're never going to find her.
There's got to be a million wedding chapels in Vegas.
- Does anybody have a pen? - What for?
I got a good idea for a song.
- Here. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Can I help you?
I need a ticket for Las Vegas, please.
We only have one seat left in our first-class section.
The next flight leaves in the morning.
Can I borrow your credit card?
You're going to pay me back, right?
No, but if you don't give it to me...
I'm going to tell everybody what you said at the bar.
Thanks.
That was really nice of you.
Thanks.
Do you like Flock of Seagulls?
I can see you do.
- Wish me luck. - Go get her!
Do you mind if we switched seats...
and I sat in the window seat?
I hate the aisle seat.
Every time that cart comes by, it bangs me in the elbows.
Your arms are smaller than mine, Jules.
I know. I just never saw the lights of Vegas before.
Tell you what.
How about I let you lean over me when we fly over the strip?
Thank you.
Hot towel?
Thanks.
Oh, my. I'm sorry.
I've never been on first class before.
My name is Joyce. Just buzz if you need anything.
Thank you. Here.
Sir?
Is that Billy Idol?
- I believe it is. - Oh, my God.
Would you like some champagne or some orange juice?
How much is it?
- It's free. - It's what?
Holy shit, this is incredible.
Actually, I shouldn't drink.
I fell in love with this girl who's going to marry an idiot...
so I'm on my way to Vegas to stop them.
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Where are they getting married?
I don't know where...
but I'm going to run around and find them.
I got to do what I got to do.
Next time they come by, grab me a Heineken.
She comes over to tell me how she feels...
and Linda answers the door...
wearing nothing but my Van Halen t-shirt.
No way.
I don't know what to do.
She's getting married, and he's going to ruin her life.
Glenn doesn't deserve her.
All he cares about are possessions...
fancy cars, CD players.
Even women are possessions to him.
Billy idol gets it.
I don't know why she doesn't get it.
I hope you find her.
You guys will not believe this.
Some creep in coach who thinks he's Don Johnson...
just asked me to be part of the mile-high club.
He said I was Grade-A, top-choice meat.
Is he right in here?
What's the mile-high club?
Oh, my God. The mile-high guy is Glenn.
They're on this plane.
No way!
You guys got to help me.
Right!
Good afternoon, everyone.
We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet...
and we got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas.
And now, we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment.
One of our first-class passengers...
would like to sing you a song...
inspired by one of our coach passengers.
And since we let our first-class passengers...
do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.
I wanna make you smile...
Whenever you're sad...
Carry you around...
When your arthritis is bad.
Oh, all I wanna do...
Is grow old with you.
I'll get you medicine...
When your tummy aches...
Build you a fire...
If the furnace breaks.
Oh, it could be so nice...
Growin' old with you.
I'll miss you...
Kiss you...
Give you my coat...
When you are cold...
Need you...
Feed you...
Even let you hold...
The remote control.
What the hell's that fruit doing here?
Get out of the way!
Excuse me, sir. I have to serve the beverages.
How you doing, sir? Chicken or fish?
Get out of my way, or you're going to get hurt.
Don't you talk to Billy Idol that way.
So let me clear the dishes...
In our kitchen sink...
Put you to bed...
When you've had too much to drink.
I could be the man...
Who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old...
With you.
That was the most beautiful song.
I got a confession to make.
That song was about you.
Good.
I'm in love with you.
I am so in love with you.
That wasn't a bad song.
I'm going to tell those record company guys about you.
You mind if I give her a kiss first?
Do what you got to do.
I know this...
Much is...
True.
I know this...
Much is...
True.
I know, I know, I know...
This much is true.
Oh, yes, I do...
Robbie and Julia.