>> FROM COMEDY CENTRAL'S
WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS IN
NEW YORK, THIS IS THE DAILY
SHOW WITH JON STEWART.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY
SHOW, MY NAME IS JON
STEWART.
MAN, DO WE HAVE A SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
OUR GUEST TONIGHT, OUR OLD
PAL JAKE GYLLENHAAL WILL
JOIN US IN A LITTLE BIT
AND WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT
THAT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: BUT I DID WANT TO
-- RECENTLY, UHH WE HAVEN'T
BEEN ON IN THE LAST COUPLE
OF DAYS, WE HAD A LITTLE
BREAK.
BUT WE'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT
ABOUT A CERTAIN REPUBLICAN
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
(LAUGHTER)
WHOSE CAMPAIGN HAS CAPTURED
AMERICA'S INABILITY TO TURN
AWAY FROM SPECTACULAR
MAN-MADE DISASTERS.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT AT WHAT PRICE AS OUR
GOOD FRIEND MAXIMUS ONCE
SAID, ARE YOU NOT
ENTERTAINED!
OF COURSE WE ARE.
BUT MUCH LIKE INCESSANT
MASTURBATION, EVENTUALLY YOU
FEEL A DEEP SENSE OF SHAME.
(LAUGHTER)
NOT ENOUGH TO STOP YOU FROM
DOING IT ENTIRELY, BUT
ENOUGH TO SLOW YOU DOWN A
BIT AND A CHANCE FOR
PORN SITES TO ROTATE THEIR
VIDEO STOCK.
MY POINT IS THIS, OUR
INCESSANT TRUMP-GAZING HAS
CAUSED US TO MISS IMPORTANT
NON TRUMP NEWS.
>> HISTORIC DEAL, THE
NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THAT COULD
CHANGE THE WORLD.
>> THE ACCORD AGREED TO BY
IRAN AND SIX WORLD POWERS IS
INTENDED ON KEEPING IRAN
FROM PRODUCING A NUCLEAR
WEAPON FOR AT LEAST A
DECADE.
>> AFTER 20 MONTHS OF
NEGOTIATIONS.
>> AFTER YEARS OF SANCTIONS,
THE PRESIDENT SAID TODAY
THAT DIPLOMACY HAD TRIUMPHED.
>> Jon: OH MY GOD, THAT'S
SUCH GREAT NEWS!
UNLESS IS DIPLOMACY THE NAME
OF OUR NEW DRONE BY ANY
CHANCE?
IS THAT-- OF COURSE NOT.
WELCOME BACK, IRAN.
A HUGE MILESTONE COULD BRING
YOU BACK INTO THE GLOBAL
COMMUNITY WHILE ALSO HELPING
TO EASE FEARS THAT YOU WILL
BLOW UP SAID GLOBAL
COMMUNITY.
(LAUGHTER)
IRAN HAS PROMISED TO FREEZE
THEIR NUCLEAR PROGRAM,
DISABLE THEIR PLUTONIUM
REACTOR, CUT THEIR
CENTRIFUGES.
IT IS A LANDMARK DIPLOMATIC
ACCOMPLISHMENT.
OR TO
PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY.
>> THIS IS A BAD DEAL.
>> AWFUL DEAL.
>> TERRIBLE DEAL.
>> WHAT A STUNNING HISTORIC
MISTAKE.
>> HISTORICALLY BAD DEAL.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: HISTORICALLY BAD
DEAL.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING AS
A METS FAN.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
HISTORICALLY BAD DEAL.
AS A FAN OF A BASEBALL TEAM
THAT ONCE TRADED FUTURE HALL
OF FAME PITCHER NOLAN RYAN
AWAY FOR FUTURE NOT SO HALL
OF FAMER JIM FREGOSI, I KNOW
A BAD DEAL WHEN I SEE ONE.
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THIS
DEAL?
>> YOU HAVE NOW INSURED
THERE THEY WILL BECOME A
NUCLEAR NATION THIS IS A BAD
DEAL, THE WORSE POSSIBLE
OUTCOME, AS YOU CREATED A
NUCLEAR ARMS RACE IN THE
MIDEAST, YOU PUT ISRAEL AT
RISK AND US AT RISK.
>> OKAY THAT IS A [BLEEP] UP
DEAL.
THAT DOES SOUND LIKE A BAD
DEAL.
WOW, I'M SORRY, SENATOR
GRAHAM, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
SHOCKED WHEN YOU SAW THOSE
DETAILS IN THE COPY OF THE
DEAL THAT YOU READ.
>> THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT
I WOULD ADD IS THAT WE DON'T
KNOW ALL THE SPECIFICS TO
THIS PLAN.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> BUT YOU YOURSELF HAVEN'T
READ ANYTHING.
>> THAT'S TRUE, BUT--
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: I HAVE NOT-- I HAVE
NOT READ IT, I HAVE NOT READ
THIS DEAL BUT WITH GOD AS MY
WITNESS, I FEEL THIS DEAL AS
STRONGLY AS ONE COULD FEEL
THAT A LOVED ONE HAD BEEN
FELLED AT THE BATTLE OF VICKSBURG.
NOW THE PLANTATION HAS TO BE
RUN BY YOU AND YOU ALONE.
OH LINCOLN, YOU DIDN'T EVEN
READ THE DEAL?
BASICALLY YOU'RE TREATING
THIS CRITICAL INTERNATIONAL
ACCORD LIKE SOME KIND OF
BIZZARE iTUNES USER
AGREEMENT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
SKIP ALL THE DETAILS, GO TO
THE BOTTOM AND CLICK,
DISAGREE.
I THOUGHT TAKING AWAY THE
KEYS TO IRAN'S NUKES WOULD
BE A GOOD THING.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?
>> THIS DEAL PUTS THEM ON
THE PATH TO BE A NUCLEAR
WEAPON STATE IN 8 TO 10
YEARS.
>> THEY WILL HAVE A BOMB
PROBABLY WITHIN 15 YEARS.
>> NUCLEAR WARHEADS WITHIN
10 OR 15 YEARS.
>> Jon: 10 OR 15 YEARS?
WITH THE WAY THE WORLD'S
GOING?
[BLEEP] A NUCLEAR IRAN IS
GOING TO BE THE LEAST OF OUR
PROBLEMS IN 10 OR 15 YEARS.
IRANIAN NUKES WILL BE A
BLINK FROM SWIMMING THROUGH
OUR FLOODED CITIES FIGHTING
EBOLA ZOMBIES WITH OUR TEETH
BECAUSE WE CAN'T HOLD GUNS
THANKS TO OUR iPHONE SHAPED
HAND TUMORS.
THAT'S WHAT IS GOING TO BE
EXTREME.
(APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY.
PRIME MINISTER NETANYAHU
SEEMS VERY UPSET IRAN MIGHT
HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON IN TEN
YEARS SINCE HIS PRE-DEAL
ESTIMATE WAS SLIGHTLY LESS
OPTIMISTIC.
>> BY NEXT SPRING AT MOST,
BY NEXT SUMMER, AT CURRENT
ENRICHMENT RATES, THEY WILL
HAVE FINISHED THE MEDIUM
ENRICHMENT AND MOVE ON TO
THE FINAL STAGE.
FROM THERE IT'S ONLY A FEW
MONTHS, POSSIBLY A FEW WEEKS.
BEFORE THEY GET ENOUGH
ENRICHED URANIUM FOR THE
FIRST BOMB.
(LAUGHTER)
NOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IRAN
OR WILE E COYOTE, WHO ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT HERE?
>> SO LISTEN, BY YOUR OWN
MATH, THIS DEAL JUST BOUGHT
US ABOUT NINE EXTRA YEARS.
I'M SURE THIS DEAL AIN'T
PERFECT.
LIFTING SANCTIONS COULD
EMPOWER IRAN TO FURTHER FUND
DESTABILIZING TERROR GROUPS
THERE ARE STILL FOUR
AMERICANS BEING HELD THERE.
THAT IS SOMETHING THAT HAS
TO BE DEALT WITH.
BUT WHAT IS OUR ALTERNATIVE?
>> I THINK THE ALTERNATIVE
IS FOR CONGRESS TO REJECT
THIS DEAL AND DEMAND A
BETTER DEAL.
>> MY ANSWER IS A BETTER
DEAL, GO BACK AND MAKE A
BETTER DEAL.
>> Jon: AH, BETTER.
YES.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
A BETTER DEAL WOULD BE
BETTER.
(LAUGHTER)
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY WHAT
WOULD THIS BETTER DEAL
ENTAIL?
>> WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN
ACCEPTABLE DEAL IN YOUR
MIND?
>> DESCRIBING THE PERFECT
DEAL, I GUESS WOULD BE A
DEAL UNDER WHICH IRAN WOULD
NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: SOME WOULD SAY THAT
WOULD BE A LOGICAL REASON.
(LAUGHTER)
LIKE A TURTLE FLIPPED ON ITS
BACK.
(APPLAUSE)
CLEARLY I THINK THE
REPUBLICANS JUST NEED TO GET
BEHIND SOMEONE WHO
UNDERSTANDS DEAL MAKING
-- UNLEASH THE KRAKEN!
>> YOU LOOK AT THIS IRAN
DEAL WHICH IS A TOTAL
DISASTER AND WE DON'T EVEN
GET OUR PRISONERS BACK.
IF YOU HAD THE RIGHT
MESSENGER, LIKE IF I DID OR
IF I PICKED SOMEBODY THAT
DID IT THAT KNEW ABOUT
NEGOTIATION, NOT SOMEBODY
THAT GOES INTO A BICYCLE
RACE AND BLEAKS HIS LEG AT
73 YEARS OLD.
>> Jon: YOU CAN'T TRUST
KERRY, THAT FRAGILE PRICK.
YOU CAN'T SEND AN OLD MAN TO
MAKE A DEAL LIKE WHEN WE
SENT THAT POLIO RIDDLED
LOSER TO YALTA.
[BLEEP] THAT PRICK.
I WOULD HAVE WON US EAST AND
WEST GERMANY.
BE REALISTIC, ONE COUNTRY
CANNOT JUST FORCE ANOTHER
COUNTRY TO DO WHAT IT WANTS,
WHEN HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED?
>> GREECE IS NOW A WHOLLY
OWNED PROTECTORATE OWNED BY
GERMANY AND ANGELA MERKEL.
>> GREECE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT
OF CHOICE BECAUSE ITS
MASTERS ARE IN GERMANY AND
THEY HAVE TO ANSWER TO THE
EUROPEAN CENTRAL BANKS.
>> Jon: OF COURSE, GREECE.
THE WAY TO BRING A COUNTRY
TO HEAL IS NOT TO ISOLATE
THEM ECONOMICALLY BUT TO
MAKE THEM DEPENDENT ON YOU
ECONOMICALLY THROUGH A
SERIES OF CRIPPLING,
UNPAYABLE, PREDATORY LOANS.
>> AND I BELIEVE IN THAT
AREA I CAN SAY UNEQUIVOCALLY,
WE'RE NUMBER ONE.
>> GOLDMAN SACHS ENGAGED IN
A SERIES OF APPARENTLY LEGAL
TRANSACTIONS THAT WERE
DESIGNED TO HIDE THE TRUE
LEVEL OF GREEK DEBT.
AND THAT'S HOW THE TROUBLE
STARTED.
>> Jon: YEAH.
MOTHER [BLEEP].
WE DON'T NEED TO ISOLATE
IRAN, WE NEED TO HIT THEM
WITH A LOAN STRIKE.
>> I LIKE THIS.
I LIKE THIS STRATEGY.
GIVE OUR MILITARY A REST AND
DESTROY IRAN PURELY THROUGH
ECONOMIC RELATION.
THINK IT WON'T WORK?
IT ALREADY IS.
>> YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
FOLLOW THE MONEY.
>> McDONALD'S WANTS TO OPEN
A FRANCHISE IN TEHRAN.
>> McDONALD'S IN TEHRAN!
TRUST ME, AFTER THE COMPLETE
AMERICANIZATION OF IRAN, THE
ONLY THING THEY WILL BE SIX
MONTHS AWAY FROM DEVELOPING
IS DIABETES AND HEART
DISEASE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> WELCOME BACK.
THE BIG QUESTION, THE BIG
QUESTION FOR THE IRAN
NUCLEAR DEAL IS WHETHER
OPPONENTS CAN MUSTER A VETO-
PROOF, TWO-THIRDS OF CONGRESS
TO BLOCK THIS DEAL.
PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GOING TO
NEED THE SUPPORT OF POWERFUL
DEMOCRATS.
SENATOR CHARLES SCHUMER.
>> THE SENIOR SENATOR FROM
NEW YORK, THE KEY VOTE ON
WHETHER OR NOT PRESIDENT
OBAMA IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL WILL
GET DERAILED BY CONGRESS.
WE ARE SITTING DOWN FOR
BREAKFAST THIS MORNING WITH
SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER.
BOOM, BREAKFAST INTERVIEW.
A GREAT IDEA.
GET THE SCHUMES EARLY IN THE
DAY, WHILE HE'S FRESH.
HIS IDEAS ABOUT IRAN WILL
STILL BE-- NO!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
YOU BROUGHT AN OLD NEW YORK
JEWISH MAN TO A DINER!
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS
MEANS.
YOU WILL NEVER END UP
TALKING ABOUT THE IRAN DEAL,
YOU WILL JUST END UP TALKING
ABOUT THE [BLEEP] DINERS.
>> HOW THEY HAVE SO MANY
DISHES AND THEY'RE ALL FRESH
AND GOOD.
>> MANY OF THE GREEK DINERS
HAVE LITTLE COOKIES
AT THE END THAT THEY SERVE
YOU.
YOU CAN TELL THE QUALITY OF
THAT.
>> USUALLY A GREEK FAMILY,
FATHER, HUSBAND, WIFE.
>> EACH DINER HAS ITS OWN
SPECIALTIES BUT THERE ARE
CERTAIN THINGS A GOOD
HAMBURGER AND FRENCH FRIES A
GOOD DINER HAS TO HAVE.
THE MENU HAS TO BE SEVEN
OR EIGHT PAGES, THEY HAVE TO
HAVE EVERYTHING.
(LAUGHTER)
THE DINER'S MENU CAN'T BE
USED AS A MURDER WEAPON.
IT'S NOT A REAL DINER.
ANYWAY, ABOUT THE IRAN DEAL,
>> HERE IS ANOTHER LITTLE
TRICK.
I DILUTE MY ORANGE JUICE.
YOU DRINK THIS GLASS OF
ORANGE IT'S 200 CALORIES AND
IT'S ACIDIC.
DO THIS PUT 9/10 WATER,
1/10 JUICE, AFTER A WEEK OR
TWO IT TASTES THE SAME AND
ONE TENTH THE CALORIES.
(LAUGHTER)
>> ALSO SOMETHING ELSE I
LEARNED, YOU ORDER A NICE
BIG MEAL, AND JUST RUB IT ON
YOUR GUMS WITHOUT SWALLOWING,
THE NUTRIENTS ARE ABSORBED
UNDER THE LIPS.
OR BETTER YET, ORDER A SLICE
OF CARROT CAKE, YOU GET IT
TO GO.
AND THEN THROW IT IN THE
HUDSON RIVER.
IT COSTS $4 BUT IT'S ZERO
CALORIES.
>> CAN WE GET TO THE IRAN
DEAL?
>> I LOVE GRITS, I LOVE
ANYTHING WITH CORN.
I LIKED GRITS WHEN I FIRST
TASTED THEM.
I SAID I WONDER WHY I LIKE
THEM, THAT WAS IN WASHINGTON
WHICH WAS EVEN THEN IN 81
A MORE SOUTHERN CITY THAN
IT IS NOW.
WHY DO I LIKE THEM, IT'S
CORN.
SENATOR, SAVE IT FOR THE
MEMOIR, WHICH BRINGS US
TO CHAPTER 37, MY GRITS
AWAKENING.
LOOK, ALTHOUGH AS IT TURNS
OUT, THAT CONTAINS A BIZARRE
TWIST.
>> WHAT I HAVE ON MY GRITS
WHICH THE SOUTHERNERS WOULD
TURN THEIR NOSE AT, SWEET 'N
LOW, A BROOKLYN PRODUCT,
1200 JOBS?
BROOKLYN ARE SWEET 'N LOW
JOBS, DIRECT AND INDIRECT SO
I EAT A LOT OF THIS STUFF
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: THAT'S [BLEEP] WEIRD,
THAT'S WEIRD IS THAT LIKE A
CONSTITUENT SERVICE, I'M
FROM BROOKLYN SO I HAVE TO
USE AS MUCH SWEET 'N LOW.
DURING THE WINTER I DON'T
SALT MY DRIVEWAY, I SWEET 'N
LOW MY DRIVEWAY.
EVERY YEAR FOR HANUKKAH WE
HIDE THE SWEET 'N LOW.
HOW DO I TAKE MY COFFEE, YOU
GUESSED IT BLACK, FOLLOWED
BY THREE MUGS OF SWEET 'N
LOW.
ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN
THE DINER.
CAN WE GET TO THE HISTORIC
NUCLEAR DEAL?
>> LET'S START WITH THIS.
HAVE YOU READ THE DEAL.
>> NOT YET.
I'VE BEEN SO BUSY THIS WEEK
IN WASHINGTON.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: HOW MANY SWEET 'N
LOW'S WOUD IT TAKE TO KILL
MYSELF? HOW MANY? WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.
MY GUEST TONIGHT, A NEW FILM
OUT CALLED "SOUTHPAW"
>> DO ME A FAVOR.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME?
LET'S GO.
COME ON.
FILLED WITH THAT LEADING
LEFT.
THOSE WHO LOVE HIM SAY WHAT
IS THAT?
(LAUGHTER)
>> WELCOME BACK TO THE
PROGRAM JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
>> HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
>> I'M GREAT.
>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
I'M WATCHING THIS MOVIE.
>> YEAH.
>> PHENOMENAL!
YOU'RE-- LOOK AT THIS, LOOK
AT THIS, [BLEEP].
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> IF THAT WAS ME, I WOULD
BE GOING DOWN THE STREETS
LIKE THAT.
I WOULD BE LIKE
"WHERE'S MY PAPER AND COFFEE?"
>> I FEEL LIKE SOON YOU WILL
BE WALKING THE STREETS LIKE
THAT.
>> NOT LIKE THAT.
>> I WILL HAVE A DIAPER
HOLDING A SANDWICH.
>> THIS IS-- PEOPLE DON'T
REALIZE, AND THIS IS WHAT I
LOVE ABOUT YOUR-- YOU COMMIT
TO EACH ROLE AND GIVE
YOURSELF A MOTIVATION TO
SUBMERGE YOURSELF IN IT.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
WHAT YOU DO.
YOU TAKE THE DEEP DIVE.
>> I THINK THERE'S-- I MEAN
IT'S SUCH A CRAZY JOB THAT I
WANT TO LEARN ABOUT WHAT IS
ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THE
REAL WORLD.
AND SO YOU PLAY A BOXER, I
WANT TO LEARN HOW TO BOX.
>> Jon: PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE
WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO.
YOU ARE ACTUALLY
RIGHT-HANDED.
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: BUT IN THIS MOVIE,
SO IS MY CHARACTER.
>> SOUTHPAW IS THE TITLE.
>> Jon: BUT YOU HAVE TO
SWITCH TO DO --
>> I DON'T GIVE IT AWAY, HE
IS AN ORTHODOX.
HE FIGHTS ORTHODOX.
>> Jon: YES, BUT, BUT, HE
HAS TO LEARN TO DO THE OTHER
THING.
SO LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION.
DID YOU HAVE TO SPEND A LOT
OF TIME WITH LEFT HANDERS?
BECAUSE I HAVE IT-- HERE'S
WHAT I'M GETTING AT.
I'M LEFT-HANDED.
AND I WAS AVAILABLE.
>> YEAH, I DIDN'T REALLY
LEARN HOW TO BOX.
I JUST SPENT TIME WITH
CHILDREN WHO WRITE WITH
THEIR LEFT HAND, FOR FIVE
MONTHS, I TRAINED WITH KIDS
WHO DO THIS.
>> Jon: THAT IS HOW WE
WRITE.
>> I KNOW, BECAUSE YOU DON'T
WANT TO SMEAR IT.
>> Jon: VERY FEW PEOPLE
UNDERSTAND THAT?
>> REALLY?
>> Jon: PEOPLE DON'T
REALIZE.
WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL, SO I
WRITE LIKE THIS.
>> BELIEVE ME, I WATCH THE
SHOW.
>> Jon: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO SAY BELIEVE ME I
WATCH YOU WHEN YOU WRITE.
SO WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL THEY
USED TO TAPE A RULER UNDER
MY ARM.
>> WHY?
>> Jon: SO THAT I WOULDN'T
DO THAT.
>> WHERE DID YOU GO TO
SCHOOL?
>> Jon: NEW JERSEY.
>> THEY DID A GOOD JOB.
>> Jon: SO THEY DID THIS AND
TRIED TO GET ME TO DO IT BUT
IT NEVER TOOK.
SO I STILL WRITE LIKE THAT.
>> WHAT WOULD YOU DO WHEN
THEY DID THAT TO YOUR ARM.
HOW WOULD YOU WRITE?
>> Jon: LIKE THIS BECAUSE
THEY WOULD-- THEY DIDN'T
WANT-- THEY RIGHT HANDERS
WRITE LIKE THIS.
>> I KNOW HOW RIGHT HANDERS
WRITE.
>> Jon: LET ME ASK YOU THIS,
DO YOU KNOW CURSIVE?
>> I CAN DO CURSIVE.
>> Jon: LET ME SEE.
>> HOLD ON.
>> Jon: THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> GIVE ME A SECOND THIS IS
HOW I WRITE.
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
>> Jon: LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
>> Jon: GIVE ME A SEC.
>> THIS IS HOW MARLON BRANDO
WROTE.
AND HE IS DOING-- WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE?
>> JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
RIGHT HANDERS TAKE A LONG
TIME TO WRITE.
>> Jon: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE,
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ME A
PRESCRIPTION?
>> HOLD ON.
>> Jon: THAT'S SWEET.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: THAT'S SWEET IT SAYS
I LOVE AND THEN IT HAS A J
THERE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY
BE JAKE.
SO YOU BASICALLY WROTE
YOURSELF A LOVE LETTER!
ON MY SHOW.
DO YOU-- DID YOU LIKE BOXING?
I ALWAYS FELT LIKE THAT WAS
THE SPORT.
IF I WASN'T A PUSSY.
>> YES.
>> Jon: I WOULD HAVE
BOXED BECAUSE THAT FEELS
LIKE THE ULTIMATE SPORT.
>> YOU CAN BE A PUSSY AND
YOU CAN ACT LIKE A BOXER.
THAT'S WHAT I DID.
IT'S GREAT.
>> Jon: THAT'S SMART.
>> PERFECT.
>> Jon: WHEN YOU GOT IN,
THEY MUST HAVE HAD YOU SPAR.
>> YES, I SPARRED, YES, A
LOT.
>> Jon: WHAT IS THAT FEELING,
DO YOU EVER GET USED TO THE
FEELING OF SOMEBODY PUNCHING
YOU?
>> NO, YOU DON'T REALLY.
WE COULD TRY IT OUT IF YOU
WANT.
>> Jon: NO!
>> AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF
YOU EVER GET USED TO IT.
>> Jon: HERE'S MY WHOLE
THING.
I'M LIKE MAYWEATHER.
YOU CAN'T HIT ME, I JUST DO
THIS.
>> THAT'S-- NOTHING LIKE
MAYWEATHER.
>> Jon: WHEN I FIGHT-- LET
ME TELL YOU HOW I FIGHT.
THIS IS TRUE.
I GO INTO THE RING ON A
ROLLING CHAIR.
>> YOU KNOW I ALWAYS SAY I
THINK LIKE YOU MIGHT WIN
AGAINST MAYWEATHER BECAUSE
IT'S LIKE A POKER PLAYER WHO
DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY
POKER AND THEY COME IN AND
WIN IT IS THE SAME WITH YOU.
YOU MIGHT JUST SCARE THE
[BLEEP] OUT OF HIM IN A
REALLY WEIRD WAY.
>> Jon: CAN I TELL YOU WHAT
I DID JUST NOW, I HURT MY
KNEE.
I HIT IT AGAINST-- WE HAVE A
TABLE DOWN HERE.
HERE'S HOW PATHETIC THAT IS.
I HURT MY KNEE ON A TABLE
THAT HOLDS MY PURELL.
(LAUGHTER)
>> THAT'S WHY I LOVE J.
>> Jon: YOU'RE THE BEST.
>> YOU'RE THE BEST.
>> Jon: WHEN I'M DONE, WE
SHOULD TRAIN BECAUSE I'M
DONE IN TWO WEEKS.
WE SHOULD TRAIN AND I WILL
BRING MY BOY.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER LIKE
MAYBE TEN YEARS AGO, WE WERE
GOING TO PLAY BASKETBALL.
>> Jon: YES.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
AND THEN WE NEVER DID.
>> Jon: UNTIL NOW.
>> BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO
BUSY.
>> Jon: BUT NOW I'M NOT.
>> I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT
WITH YOU NOW.
>> Jon: PERFECT.
SOUTH PAW IN THEATERS ON
JULY 24th.
IT'S JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW,
HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF
ZEN.
♪HAKUNA MATATA ♪