Ever caIIed someone and were disappointed when they answered?
You wanted the machine.
You're aIways thrown off.
You go. ''Oh. I-- I didn't know you were there.
I just wanted to Ieave a message saying. 'Sorry I missed you.'''
So here's two peopIe who hate each other. don't reaIIy ever wanna taIk...
...but the phone machine is Iike this reIationship respirator...
...keeping these marginaI. brain-dead reIationships aIive.
We do it so when we come home. you can see the IittIe fIashing red Iight.
You go. ''AII right. messages.''
You see. peopIe need that.
It's very important for human beings to feeI popuIar and weII-Iiked...
...amongst a Iarge group of peopIe we don't care for.
WeII. this is it.
Oh. this is nice.
-Thanks again for the Chinese food. -Oh. you're weIcome.
-I think I ate too much of that garIic. -Me too.
I ate the whoIe pIate. I didn't know. I thought they were peanuts.
You know what. I think Naked Gun is on. Oh. I've seen it.
I Iaughed through that whoIe thing. Wanna watch?
No.
-I mean. I don't think so. -I thought you Iiked to Iaugh.
I thought you were happy-go-Iucky.
No. no. I'm not happy. I'm not Iucky. and I don't go.
If anything. I'm sad-stop-unIucky.
That's not funny. Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there.
Why don't you check the TV Guide? I think Holocaust is on.
Jerry, it's George. You all set for the weekend? This is gonna be great.
You'll have a great time with Naomi.
All right, she's got that laugh.
What'd you say, it's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
I was thinking we'd take two cars up to the cabin.
That way, you know, if one of us wanted to stay--
This thing has never worked right.
You think I Iaugh Iike EImer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
WeII. first of aII. EImer Fudd is one of the most beIoved...
...internationaIIy known cartoon characters of aII time.
''I'm gonna kiII that cwazy wabbit.''
Come on! Not onIy that. a juicer is one of the heaIthiest ways--
It makes juice. it extracts the puIp and-- And then the vitamins.
For Iong Iife and vitaIity.
How couId you Ieave a message Iike that?
How couId you pIay it to just anyone?
I didn't think you'd Ieave it.
-I didn't think you'd pIay it. -Now she's not coming this weekend.
What do you mean. not going? We got pIans. CaII her up.
Ah. it's better anyway.
I mean. reaIIy. What was gonna happen?
I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girI with a Iaugh Iike that?
It's Iike Coco ChaneI going out with a fishmonger.
You know. she's with aII the perfumes. and a fishmonger's a pretty bad smeII.
WeII. maybe you shouId ask EIaine.
But if I ask EIaine. Kramer wiII feeI sIighted.
Oh. no. no. Don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him.
He vomited aII over her.
Wait a minute. Do you smeII smoke?
-Ah. Kramer. -HeIIo. boys.
Top of the morning to you.
What do you say? What do you be?
Put that thing out before you start another fire.
You had to give him cigars.
So. what are you guys doing this weekend?
-Ah. we're.... -Because I'm gonna be pIaying goIf...
...at the Westchester Country CIub.
Westchester? Isn't that a private cIub?
That's right. buddy. It's private. It's very private.
I met the pro at the goIf shop up on 49th Street. I gave him a Cuban...
...and he invites me for a free round.
Then he says. anytime I Iay one of these on him. it'II be the same deaI.
-Wow. -Isn't that beautifuI?
Man. I'm gonna be hitting the Iinks aII weekend.
-Gee. that's-- That's too bad. -Yeah. Too bad.
-Why? What? What? -Because we were just saying...
...we were gonna ask you to the country.
Susan's father has a cabin up there. but aII right.
They got any goIf courses up there?
No. no. no.
-No. no. that's pie country. -Yeah.
Yeah. they do a Iot of baking up there.
They seII them by the road. BIueberry. bIackberry.
-BIackberry. boysenberry. -Boysenberry. huckIeberry.
-Raspberry. strawberry. -Strawberry. cranberry.
Peach.
-I don't know. -Come on. I don't wanna tag aIong...
...with George and Susan. With you. it's a better group.
-What's that? -Oh. it's an autographed picture...
...for my dry cIeaner. I never know what to write on these things.
I hate doing this.
''I'm very impressed''?
You mean ''pressed'' because it's a dry cIeaner?
Yeah. see? That's why I hate it.
So come on. you wanna go?
WeII. what about the sIeeping arrangements in the cabin?
WeII.... Same bed. and underwear and a T-shirt.
-What about me? -WeII. you'd be naked. of course.
-Excuse me. Jerry SeinfeId? -Yeah.
My names Sanger. MeI Sanger. I drive that truck out there.
-The Yoo-hoo? -Yeah.
-I Iove Yoo-hoo. -Yes. it's a fine product.
I saw you on The Tonight Show a coupIe of weeks ago.
I was watching the show with my son DonaId.
He's got this rare immune deficiency in his bIood.
The damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to Iive in a pIastic bubbIe.
Can you imagine that? A bubbIe.
-A bubbIe? -A bubbIe?
Yes. a bubbIe.
-Do you mind? May I? -Oh. sure.
It'd break your heart seeing him in there.
He's Iike a prisoner. No friends. Just his mother and me.
And I'm out there six days a week hauIing Yoo-hoo.
We have sacrificed everything. aII for the sake of our IittIe...
...bubbIe boy.
-Excuse me. -Oh. here.
Excuse me.
Anyway. we were watching you on TV....
You get in the bubbIe with him?
No. He can see through the bubbIe. it's pIastic.
-Oh. I thought it was Iike an igIoo. -No. It's cIear.
Who has the remote?
He does.
The remote goes through the bubbIe?
Yeah. He's in the bubbIe with the remote.
So you have no controI over the remote?
No. It's frustrating.
Yeah. Of course. Yeah.
So anyway. you're his favorite comedian.
He Iaughed so hard the other night...
...we had to give him an extra shot of hemogIobin.
That's nice.
Tomorrow is his birthday.
And it wouId mean so much to him if you couId find it in your heart...
-...to pay him a visit and just say heIIo. -Oh. weII. tomorrow. I--
Jerry. Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.
Yeah. Okay....
Tomorrow. Where do you Iive? Uptown? Up Westside?
-No. Upstate. -Upstate.
He's a bubbIe boy!
-A bubbIe boy? -Yes. a bubbIe boy.
-What's a bubbIe boy? -He Iives in a bubbIe.
Boy.
What kind of a bubbIe. Iike an igIoo?
No. that's what I thought. It's a piece of pIastic dividing the room.
What kind of pIastic do you think it is? Like that dry-cIeaning pIastic?
That's no good.
He wouIdn't Iast 1 0 minutes in there.
What can I do? I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.
It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
-WeII. where does he Iive? -I don't know. Upstate. FaII-something.
Wait a minute. This is right on the way to the cabin.
Oh. aII right. BeautifuI. So you stop in. visit the bubbIe boy for 20 minutes...
-...then we can go. -You think so?
I know exactIy where this is. You can just foIIow us.
Oh. great. Okay. we're going away.
-I think I'm excited. -I'm excited.
Oh. you're gonna Iove this cabin. My grandfather buiIt it in 1 94 7.
-It's incredibIe. -There you go. It's a '4 7 cabin.
-So we'II see you tomorrow. -Okay.
WeII. hey.
Very nice. Very nice.
-WeII. I'm off to the Iinks. -Yeah.
I wanna thank you for the invite upstate.
I'm sorry I can't make it.
-The what? -Nothing. Let's get going. Come on.
-Did you--? -No. no. we'II taIk about it Iater.
Is that one of the cigars my father gave you?
Hey. what's with George and Susan? Does he actuaIIy Iike her?
I don't know if he Iikes her as much as he Iikes it.
Oh. that's nice.
What's he doing? What is his hurry?
Oh. you know George. He's gotta make ''good time.''
He once went from West 81 st St. to Kennedy airport in 25 minutes.
I never heard the end of it.
Look at him.
WouId you stop that. pIease? Just stop that.
-Why? -Knock it off. You're distracting me.
We're making incredibIe time here.
I once made it to Kennedy airport from West 81 St. in 1 5 minutes.
Oh. here. HoId this. It's $ 1 0 for the toIIs.
What's he doing? Is he out of his mind?
Do you see him? I don't even see him anymore. Where is he?
-Isn't that bIue car him? -No. no. that's not him.
What happened to him? I can't beIieve it. I Iost him.
That stupid idiot.
-Now what are we gonna do? -It's no big deaI. Jerry.
We'II just meet him at the bubbIe boy's house.
I don't even know where the bubbIe boy Iives.
I don't even remember the name of the town.
-You don't have the directions? -No. I was foIIowing him!
How couId you not take the directions?
Because he's my directions.
I don't see them. George.
You make pIans. then he goes 1 00 miIes an hour...
...the weekend's over just Iike that.
Poor IittIe bubbIe boy.
He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubbIe or igIoo thing. whatever.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where I am.
Just get off at this exit. We'II figure something out.
We Iost them. Do you know that? We Iost them.
WeII. it's not my fauIt.
SeinfeId can't drive. How hard is it to foIIow somebody?
WeII. now what are you gonna do?
It's fine. We'II just meet him at the bubbIe boy's house.
Does he have the address?
Yeah.
Leave a message, I'll call you back. Thanks.
Hi, Jerry. It's Naomi.
Listen, if it's not too late, I changed my mind.
-I'd like to go to the cabin. -Wait. Wait.
Yeah. heIIo. Hi.
This is Kramer.
Yeah. I'm the next-door neighbor.
You know. Jerry's Ieft. but Iisten. you see. my goIf game got canceIed.
I'm thinking of going up myseIf.
They got pies. and I got the directions right here.
I drive aII the way to the country cIub...
...and then I find out there's a tournament going on.
-You mind if I smoke? -No.
These are Cubans.
I don't know if this is the house.
I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
WouId you stop it?
WouId you quit it. pIease? Someone is gonna see us here.
So what?
You are such a prude.
Hey. I am not a prude. sweetheart.
I swing with the best of them.
-Come on. Iet's go in. -What?
We shouId teII them what happened. They might be very Iate...
-...if they make it aII. -I can't go in there.
I can't face the bubbIe boy.
-What's the matter? -I don't react weII to these situations.
My grandmother died two months earIy from how I reacted in the hospitaI.
She was getting better. Then I paid her a visit.
She saw my face. boom. That was the end of her.
-We're going in. -Wait. pIease--
-Come on. George. George. stop. -WouId you wait one moment--
I can't beIieve a IittIe thing Iike George speeding...
...and my whoIe weekend is gone. The pIans. the packing. Everything.
Your whoIe weekend? What about the bubbIe boy?
Why do you keep bringing up the bubbIe boy?
You don't have to mention him. I know about the bubbIe boy.
I'm aware of the bubbIe boy.
Why do you keep reminding me about the bubbIe boy?
I'II have a cup of coffee and a turkey cIub.
-How about you? -I'II just have a gIass of water.
You can't just have water.
Why not? That's aII I want.
This isn't a park bench where you come in and sit down.
It's a business.
HoId it a second.
Don't you pIay on TV?
-Oh. no. -Yes. Yes. you saw him on TV.
-What's your name? -Jerry SeinfeId.
-EIaine.... -Gary SeinfieId.
-I saw you on The Tonight Show. -Right.
WouIdn't you Iike an autographed picture?
I don't have any more pictures. EIaine.
He's Iying. They're in the trunk.
-Now you get to sign another one. -I'm not Iying.
Yeah. Yeah. he is.
She'II have a cup of coffee and a broiIed chicken.
See. it's not reaIIy a bubbIe.
A Iot of peopIe think it's an igIoo. but it's reaIIy just a pIastic divider.
Can you go in the bubbIe?
WeII. you have to put so many things on because of the germs.
The gIoves. the mask. it's a whoIe production.
So then he makes his own bed?
WeII. that's one of the things we fight about.
WouId you Iike to meet him?
-Ah. weII. you know-- -Oh. he Ioves games.
Maybe you couId pIay TriviaI Pursuit with him.
Hey. Ma! What the heII do I gotta do to get some food around here?
I'm starving. And if it's peanut butter. I'm gonna shove it in your face!
-One picture Ieft in the trunk. -Thanks. This is fun.
Yeah. this turned out to be a great weekend.
Where's my water?
Oh. it's coming.
-Here you go. -Thanks.
What'd you write?
''Nothing's finer than being in your diner.''
There is ''nothing finer than being in your diner''?
-No good? -This is what you came up with?
WeII?
That is so Iame. Jerry.
PeopIe wiII be reading that for the next 20 years and Iaughing at you.
Yeah. Yeah. you're right. Excuse me. Excuse me.
WouId you mind? I'd Iike the picture back.
-Why? -I'm not happy with what I wrote.
-It's good. I Iike it. -No. beIieve me. it's not good.
I'II maiI you one with something reaIIy funny.
WeII. when you maiI me a new one. I'II send you back this one.
You don't understand. I want the picture.
Right.
This is DonaId.
-Hi. -HeIIo.
Who are you?
-Where's SeinfeId? -He's on his way.
These are his friends.
What are you Iooking at?
Never seen a kid in a bubbIe before?
Of course I have. Come on.
My cousin's in a bubbIe.
My friend Jeffrey's sister aIso. bubbIe. you know....
I got a Iot of bubbIe experience. Come on.
-What's your story? -I have no story.
She works for NBC.
How about taking your top off?
DonaId. behave yourseIf.
Come on.
I know. I know.
Why don't you pIay a game of TriviaI Pursuit?
Ah. you know. we gotta be running--
What. are you afraid?
-No. You see. it's-- -I'm gonna kick your ass.
I was nice enough to give you the picture.
I don't Iike what I wrote. I don't want it up there. PIease just give it back.
You are reaIIy starting to get under my skin.
-I want that picture. -WeII. you can't have it.
In fact. maybe you better just pay your check. and get out.
I'm not paying untiI I get that back.
WeII. you ain't getting it back.
WeII. maybe I'II just take it back.
This chicken is reaIIy good.
Okay. history.
This is for the game.
How you doing over there?
Not too good.
AII right. bubbIe boy.
Let's just pIay.
''Who invaded Spain in the eighth century?''
That's a joke. The Moors.
Oh. no.
I'm so sorry. It's the ''Moops.''
The correct answer is the Moops.
Moops? Let me see that.
That's not Moops. you jerk.
It's Moors. It's a misprint.
I'm sorry. The card says Moops.
It doesn't matter. It's Moors. There's no Moops.
-It's Moops. -Moors.
-Moops. -Moors!
Hey!
Anybody home?
-Oh. boy. -What shouId we do?
HoId these pies.
Okay.
HeIp. Someone....
-There's no Moops. you idiot! -Stop it! Let go of him.
DonaId. Stop it. Now. Iet go of him. DonaId.
-I'm gonna kiII him. -He's choking me.
-DonaId. Stop. -Moors!
Say Moors!
Moops. Moops.
DonaId. stop it.
What are you doing? You're choking me. EIaine!
-Are you gonna pay today? -No. I want that picture back!
Something's happened to the bubbIe boy!
-They're rushing him to hospitaI. -What?
The bubbIe boy? He Iives around here?
That's his house. down the road.
He got in a fight with some guy.
Who kind of a person wouId hurt the bubbIe boy?
Some IittIe baId guy from the city.
Come on. Vern. Page. Preston. don't you think we ought to do something?
Naomi. come on. Iet's get going.
But that Iake must be freezing.
No. it's good for you.
Retards the aging process.
Ready to go swimming?
Let's go.
Okay.
Jerry. what happened to you?
What happened to you? You were going 1 00 miIes an hour.
I was not. BubbIe boy tried to kiII me.
-What? -Susan. teII them.
It's a Iong story.
-Hey. SeinfeId. -Hey. happy birthday.
Thanks for showing up.
-You know. your friend tried to kiII me. -He's a Iying snot.
He's a cheater. aren't you. IittIe twerp?
-Moors! -Moops!
There's the guy who tried to kiII the bubbIe boy. Get him!
Fire engines.
Must be a big one.
Do you smeII something?
-Yeah. -Smoke.
Yeah. Definite smoke.
Look. it's a fire!
HoIy cow. Iook at that!
-It's my father's cabin! -The cabin is on fire.
I just reaIized. you never gave me back the change from the toIIs.
How couId this have happened?
Oh. my God. The cabin.
What are you two doing here?
Look at that.
Hey. you didn't:
My Cubans.
Something very scary and exciting about fire.
PeopIe aIways run to see a fire.
They're very proud if they have a firepIace.
I think that's what smoking is reaIIy aII about.
That's the power of smoking. It's just this thing:
''I got fire right here in my hand.
Smoke and fire is IiteraIIy coming right out of my mouth.''
And it's very intimidating to the nonsmoker.
It's Iike taIking to someone going:
''My head couId open up. Lava couId expIode out.
Pour right down my face. Doesn't bother me a bit.''
And a cigar is even worse.
I mean. a cigar is Iike:
You think this end is bad. Look at this wet. disgusting nub. huh?
How scary is that?