Bo Bo
干嘛 What?
老麦克唐纳有个农场 Old MacDonald had a farm
咿呀咿呀呦 E I e I o
农场里有只猪 And on that farm he had a pig
咿呀咿呀呦 E I e I o
吸鼻子的声音 Here a snort
这有个 There a
老麦克唐纳有个农场 Old MacDonald had a farm
咿呀咿呀呦 E I e I o
这是Bo Burnham This is Bo Burnham.
二十二岁 He's 22 years old.
男性 He's a male.
他看起来像长颈鹿和 And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe
艾伦德詹尼斯杂交的产物 having sex with Ellen Degeneres.
大脑袋 小乳头 He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples.
过去五年他将自己隔离起来 He's isolated himself over the last 5 years
为了钻研喜剧 in pursuit of comedy.
并且 And,
为了这样 in doing so,
与现实生活脱轨 has lost touch with reality.
你是个混蛋 Bo You're an asshole, Bo.
听见了吗 You hear me?
你以为你懂得比我多 You think you know better than me.
你以为你比任何人都懂得多 You think you know better than everybody.
你将孤独终老 You will die alone.
这是你自找的 And you will deserve it.
同时 But in the meantime,
你会说一些傻逼兮兮的笑话 you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours.
看看这有什么卵用 See if that helps.
你做喜剧 You used to do comedy
当你觉得自己很幽默的时候 when you felt like being funny.
但现在你责无旁贷 But now you're contractially obligated
不如跳舞 你个死猴子 so dance you fucking monkey.
不如跳舞 猴子 不如跳舞 Dance, monkey, dance!
欢迎 Welcome to the show
他是Bo 这是他的演出 this is Bo, this is his show.
Bo喜欢这样跳舞 And Bo likes to dance like this.
欢迎 这是Bo Welcome to the show, this is Bo
这是他的演出 this is his show.
他这样脱裤子 And Bo takes off his pants like this.
演奏隐形的鼓 Play an invisible drum.
演奏隐形的小号 Play an invisible trumpet.
小号的声音 Trumpet sound!
喝些隐形的水 Drink some invisible water,
妈的 Oh shit!
是真的水 That water is real!
Bo想让你们觉得舒服 Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
随意的声音 Random voice
Bo想让你们觉得舒服 Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
坐下 放松 享受这 So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of
长时间的眼神交流 prolonged eye contact.
舔舔嘴更舒服喔 Lick your lips to make it more comforting.
想看魔术吗 Do you wanna see a magic trick?
想 Yeah!
想看魔术吗 Do you wanna see a magic trick?
想 Yeah!
想看魔术吗 Do you wanna see a magic trick?
随机选一张牌 Then pick a card any card.
惹 Sike!
魔术是假的 傻逼 Magic isn't real, you idiot.
滚去读书吧 Read a book.
魔术是假的 傻逼 Magic isn't real, you idiot.
滚去读书吧 Read a book.
魔术是假的 傻逼 Magic isn't real, you idiot.
滚去读书吧 Read a book.
魔术是假的 Magic isn't real.
是吗 Or is it?
在哪个时刻 And at that moment,
Bo二十年来的愤世嫉俗 Bo's 20-year-old cynicism
融化在孩童般的奇思妙想中 melted into childlike wonder.
他从来不知道 He never knew there could be
世界如此奇妙 so much magic in the world.
这是个充满可能性的世界 Bo It's a world of possibilities, Bo.
你想先做什么事情 What do you wanna do first?
跑步吗 Run?
当然 你可以跑 Yeah, sure you can run.
飞吗 Fly?
当然 你可以飞 Well yeah, you can fly.
什么 What?
你在干嘛 What are you...
你他妈在 What the fuck you...
你他妈在干什么 What the fuck are you doing?
停 Stop-
停下 St- Stop it!
什么鬼 What the f-
你个白痴 停 You fucking idiot, stop.
停下 Stop.
反正 Anyways.
在远处 Bo看到个美丽的精灵 In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy.
这精灵美到他要是在高中被叫成精灵 A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud
都会觉得骄傲 about being called one in high school.
他无意中发现一座老旧的桥 He then came across an old bridge
桥上站着个巨人 with a troll standing guard.
Bo要过这座桥得回答一道谜语 Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by.
巨人说 The troll spoke thus:
好吧 最后说一遍 我不是北欧神话中的巨人 "All right, for the last time man, I'm not a troll."
我是流浪汉 "I'm homeless."
你有没有零钱 "Okay? Do you have any spare change?"
好吧 这是张用过的纸巾 "Okay, that's a used napkin."
我不要用过的纸巾 "I don't want that."
不不不 停 就 "No. No, stop. Just-"
走吧 请你离开 "You know, leave. Just leave. Please leave."
这时 And then,
当Bo走到舞台的一侧 as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage,
他看到一只有五个角的独角兽 he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him.
五角兽说 And the pentacorn spoke thus:
你好 Bo "Hello, Bo!"
我已经找你很久了 'I've been looking for you for quite a long time no-"
他安全了 He was safe.
目前为止 For now...
黑暗的想法又来了 But the dark thoughts would soon return.
这是哥斯拉 It's godzilla!
嗷 Aaaahhhhh!!!
嗷嗷嗷 Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!
我的天呐 Oh my god ahhhhh!!!!
哥斯拉 Godzilla!!
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊 Aaaaauuugghhhhhh!!!
当只蜥蜴好难 It's so hard to be a lizard.
当只蜥蜴好难 It's hard to be a lizard.
短小的手臂 痒痒的喉咙 Tiny arms, itchy gizzard.
当只蜥蜴好难 It's hard to be a lizard.
继续下去更难 But it's harder to segue.
他是在滑雪吗 Is he skiing?
还是在演钙片 Or is he in a gay porn?
他是在滑雪吗 Is he skiing?
啥 What?
还是在演钙片 Or is he in a gay porn?
他是在滑雪 Is he skiing?
蛤 Huh!
还是在演钙片 Or is he in a gay porn?
线索在此 Here's a hint.
他是在演钙片 He's in a gay porn.
好吧 Bo 这段哑剧表演烦得要死 Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying.
给他们看点真材实料 So give 'em the real thing!
我的声音真他妈天然 My voice is so fucking natural.
天生的好 It's naturally good.
天生的好 Naturally good!
天天天天生的好 Na-a-a-aturally good.
这是这首歌的结尾也是这场演出的开始 This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show.
欢迎你们来看我的演出 Welcome to the show!
刚我演的蜥蜴真他妈蠢 That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid.
不管怎样 Anyway,
圣弗朗西斯哥 San Francisco!
耶 Yeah!
我们聚集于此 We are a place.
在加州 In California-
恩 我想 呃 Um, I'd like to, uh,
我想给男性观众讲个笑话开头 I'd like to start with a joke for my male audience.
这个笑话关于小伙伴们 Uh, this is a joke for the fellas.
我的伙伴们在哪里 Where are my fellas at?
伙伴们 Fellas?!
哟小伙伴们 你会怨恨吗当你 Yo, fellas don't you hate it when you're
给个男生口完然后这个男的弯了 blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot?
我说的对吗 Am I right?!
我一直在给个基佬口 I've been blowing a faggot this whole time?
这礼拜第三次了 Third time this week.
谢谢 Thank you so much.
我们很开心 We're having fun...
这 This, um-
这场演出叫做 What This show is called "What".
但愿这能让你们惊喜 And I hope there are some surprises for you,
或者是 or someth-
天惹 抱歉 Jesus, sorry.
这是个好的开头 It's a good start.
希望这 Uh, hope there's-
他故意碰倒这瓶水 He meant to knock the water over.
耶耶耶 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
你们都以为这是个意外 But you all thought it was an accident.
但是 他故意碰倒这瓶水 But, he meant to knock the water over.
耶耶耶 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
艺术是谎话 Art is a lie.
没什么是真的 Nothing is real!
因此 我们 So, um, we uh-
长大吧 Grow up!
用力地鼓掌 Grow up with your applause.
继续 Stick it...
他故意打翻这瓶水 He meant to knock the water over.
耶耶耶 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
但你们都以为这是个意 But you all thought it was an acc--
如果在循环播放它就会一直重复 Just, don't, if it's on repeat it will repeat.
刚才那段可以全部剪掉 Just... we can cut all this, so...
我们还要再放音乐 We meant to play the track again.
耶耶耶 Yeah, yeah, yeah!
但是你们都以为这是个意外 But you all thought it was an accident.
他想再次打翻这瓶水 But, he meant to play the water track
再一一一次 a-ga-ga-gain!
艺术仍是谎言 Art's still a lie.
依旧没什么是真的 Nothing's still real!
食物笑话 说一些食物笑话 Food jokes. Let's do some food jokes.
再继续像刚刚那样会很奇怪 Segues are weird. Um...
我今天早餐吃了热狗 I had a hot dog for breakfast today,
吃完热狗我的感觉像这样 and afterwards I felt like this.
因为我控制不了我的凳子(屎) Cos I couldn't control my stools.
好吧 天呐 Alright, jesus...
我很庆幸你们喜欢关于屎的笑话 I'm glad you like poop based puns
这场演出大部分的段子都是这种类型 They will be a majority of the show.
一分一秒都不能浪费 Never waste a moment,
每一刻都可以成为喜剧时刻 every moment can become a comedic moment.
看到没 See.
这是喜剧演员的基本素养 So... Just a little lesson for comedians.
第一首歌 叫做 This first song, is called:
世界着火了 "A world on fire"
下一首歌 要长一点 This next song, it's a little bit...
比上一首歌长一点 it's a little bit longer then that one.
谢谢 And... Thank you.
这首歌关于我有多难过 我真的很难过 这首歌叫做 悲伤 It's about how sad I am, and I'm really sad, it's called "Sad"
这首歌与所有悲伤的事情有关 It's about all the sad stuff
想象有一个绝望的洋葱在削自己 Just picture a depressed onion cutting it self.
我遇见个流浪汉 名字叫 有钱 I met a homeless man named Rich.
是不是很可怕 Isn't that terrible?
我看到一张寻狗启事 I saw a flyer for a lost dog,
没有脚的狗 and the dog did not have any legs.
我看到患了糖尿病的小孩 I saw a diabetic kid,
在万圣节时索要糖果 trick-or-treating.
我看到一只短脖子的长颈鹿 I saw a giraffe who had a short neck.
这很悲伤 That was sad, or a dear?
我看到个被火车撞到的老人 I saw an old man get hit by a train.
他在倾盆大雨中看不到这辆火车 He didn't see it in the pouring rain.
他没听到我在大喊 He didn't hear me shout:
小心火车 "Look out for the train!"
因为我什么都没说 Cos I didn't say anything.
我只是在想 I just thought to my self:
噢 这将是个悲伤的故事 "Ooh, this is going to be sad."
并且真的是 And it was.
我真是个天才 I'm a genius.
我看到个独眼男人 I saw a man with only one eye,
在看3D电影 in a 3D movie.
我看到个男孩弄掉他的冰淇淋 I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone
直直掉在他母亲的尸体上 directly on his mothers corpse!
我看到一只猫困在树上 I saw a kitten stuck in a tree.
然后它跳下来吊死自己 Then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self
我看见个红发男孩 I saw a boy who had red hair.
我去商店 I went to a store
买东西 looking for something to buy.
但这里只卖画 But they only sold paintings
画上是同一个悲伤的男子 of the same sad guy.
等等 No wait!
这家店卖镜子 This store sells mirrors,
我在这干什么 see what I did there?
嗨起来 Lets rock!
不 No.
世界太悲伤了 弟兄们 The worlds is so sad bros.
痛苦 Pain.
种族灭绝 战争 Genocide, war.
性别歧视 种族歧视 Sexism, Racism.
但我得承认这里还是有好事的 But I gotta remember there's good things about it too.
比如这个事实 Like the fact that
以上没有一件事发生在我身上 斯锅以 none of that is happening to me. Score!
还是认为很难不去悲伤 Still though it's hard not to be sad about it.
你们觉得呢 How do you all do it?
我一直在告诉你们 I've been telling you guys
可怕且悲伤的事情在这首歌中 terribly sad things this whole song
你们根本没有觉得悲伤 you haven't been sad at all,
你们一直 you've been...
你们觉得开心 You've been happy.
不 No...
你们在笑 You've been laughing.
就是这样 笑声 That's it, laughter.
这是所有事情的关键 That's the key to everything.
是解决这世界所有悲伤地途径 It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world.
我不是说真正悲伤的人 I mean not for the people that are actually sad,
我说的是像我们这样的人 but for people like us,
还他妈一直得解决这种 that gotta fucking deal with them all the time.
当喜剧演员就是当一个麻木的混蛋 Being a comedian is't being an insensitive prick,
利用公众最兽性的冲动 capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public.
当一名英雄 It's being a hero.
世界不悲伤 The world isn't sad,
世界是有趣的 the world is funny.
我是个反社会的人 I'm a sociopath!
我看见个老男人滑到 I saw an old man slip and fall.
嘿 真是个大傻逼 Hey, what a fucking idiot.
我看见个女人在她女儿的葬礼上 I saw a woman at her daughters funural.
哈哈哈 经典的喜剧 Ha-ha-ha. Classic comedy.
所有曾经悲伤的事情 Everything that once was sad
不知为何现在变得好笑了 is somehow funny now.
大屠杀和911 The holocaust and 9/11,
【啊啊啊这里不知道怎么翻 that shit's funny 24/7.
因为悲剧 Cos tragedy
就是专门用来开玩笑的 will be exclusively joked about.
我的同情心 Because my empathy
让我很郁闷 is bumming me out.
悲伤再见 God-bye sadness!
笑话你好 Hello jokes.
谢谢 Thank you.
我想到个赞得一逼的笑话 I've got a really good joke
关于视频编辑者 about video editors.
视频编辑者是多么的 Video editors are so fucking...
我想现在该做首诗 I think we should do a poem right now,
如果可以的话 if that's ok?
这首诗有点蠢 This poem is a little bit sappy,
有点浪漫 a little bit romantic,
现在有点离题了 so we'll get it out of the way now,
我们回到 and we'll go back to the...
噢 Oops...
黄色笑话 你懂的 the dirty stuff, you know.
在深夜秀上大家喜欢的那种 Everyone loves at a late show or whatever.
恩 Ok
这首诗叫做 我上了荡妇 It's called: "I fuck sluts"
这不是点名谢谢 It's not a roll call but thank you.
荡妇 Sluts!
我上了荡妇 I fuck sluts.
荡妇被我上了 Sluts get fucked
当我艹荡妇的时候 when I fuck sluts.
没在瞎说 No ifs ands or buts.
我睡了荡妇 我睡了荡妇 I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts!
好女孩很好 Nice girls are nice.
但不适合吸蛋 But no good for nut sucking.
需要有一个宁静的夜晚 They'll need a serene night
来一次后入 to green-light a buttfucking.
但是睡肮脏的老荡妇 But that'll be easy
就简单许多 with sleazy old slut fucking.
对好女孩喝倒彩 Boo to the nice girls,
赞扬和荡妇上床 praise be to slut fucking.
我列了个清单 I have a list.
一张清单 A list?
对 清单 Yes, a list
内容是那些年我错过的荡妇 of all the sluts I've missed.
我从没上过的 I've never fucked
或者吸过的荡妇 or sucked these sluts.
因此我的蛋蛋 And thus my nuts
真他妈愤怒 are fucking pissed.
当我在艹 So when I fuck
这幸运的荡妇 the lucky slut
我就把她移出我的清单 my nut removes her from the list.
字幕 Another dumb cum-bucket
字幕 struck from my
字幕 nut sucking,
吸蛋吧 荡妇 suck it slut,
和荡妇啪 slut fucking,
遗愿清单 bucket list.
恩 引言你们已经听过了 Yes, you hear the influences:
Chaucer Keats Chaucer, Keats.
呃 Um...
这页是空白的 我知道 The pages are blank, I know it.
为什么我要撒谎 Why am I lying to you?
荡妇可以是白人也可以是黑人 Sluts can be white, black,
棕色 粉色 杏色 brown, pink, or almond.
她们可能人瘦胸大 They can be skinny with big tits,
或者身材和胸都干瘪 or be skinny with small ones.
荡妇有的活泼 时髦 Sluts can be perky, prepy or posh,
体现在她们的思想和衣着上 with their brains and their clothes
都是洗得缩水的衣服 all shrunk from the wash.
不好意思 Excuse me.
还有些荡妇风趣且智慧 But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart.
这种荡妇可以成为你思想的源泉 These sluts can lift all your thoughts
从你的小鸡鸡到你的心 from your dick to your heart.
她们谈论科学 音乐 和艺术 They can talk about science music or art.
她们可以让你振作 They can put you together,
也可以让你溃不成军 or they can pull you apart.
别相信这些荡妇 But don't trust there sluts,
千万不要 Don't, don't you dare.
她们会逼你去相信她们爱她们关心她们 They'll force you to trust them and love them and care
然后撩完就跑 And then they'll be gone
你会意识到 and you'll be aware
心上有一个洞 of the hole in your heart
是该死的荡妇留下的 that that dumb slut left there.
谢谢 Thank you very much.
他在这里大放阙词 So, he was lashing out with sexist language
因为他心碎了 cos he had his heart broken.
我们都学到了些东西 We all learn something.
感谢你们的到来 Thank you all for coming.
一些我的段子 I know some of my bits
有一点快和密集 are a little bit fast and dense,
有一点让人难以跟上 a little bit hard to follow,
尤其是这个 particularly that one.
所以我想做一件 So I want to do something
慢一点的事 a little bit slower, for the people,
献给现场上了年纪的观众 maybe the older people in the crowd,
或者是 or something, so umm...
听好 This's for you:
这是一个慢笑话 Here's a slow joke.
当玉米的皮被剥下时 What did the ear of corn say
玉米穗说了什么 when all of it's clothes fell off?
呸 Aww, shucks!
懂了吗 Get it?
shucks的意思可以是给玉米剥皮 Like "Shucks" As in shucking corn
也可以是惊叹词呸 and also "Shucks" The exclamation.
我说得对吗 Am I right?
很好 我们很开心 Good. We're having fun.
恩 Umm...
我爹最近对我说 My father recently told me
我在台上太浮夸 that I act too flamboyant on stage.
然后我说 真的吗 And I said: "Really dad?"
拿出证据 "Prove it!"
好吧 就拿你那个笑话来说 "Well what about that joke"
最后你往哪抛洒五彩纸屑 "Where you throw confetti at the end of it?"
我到目前为止还没写这个笑话 "Well I haven't written that joke yet,"
因为这个笑话是建立在这次对话的基础上写出来的 "Cos it's based of this conversation!"
骗到你了吧 "Gotcha!"
继续挣扎 Keep it, keep the struggle.
我们很开心啊同志们 We are having a lot of fun guys.
别担心 你们无需 Don't worry, you don't have
用笑声或掌声填补安静 to fill the silences with laughter or applause.
我不希望你们离场的时候在想 I don't want you leaving this show thinking:
我的手鼓掌到痛 "My hands hurt from clapping."
我的胃都笑痛了 "My stomach hurts from laughing."
我只希望你们离场的时候在想 I just want you leaving the show, thinking:
恩 一般般 "Meh... alright..."
踏上回去的路上 And we are on our way.
我最近搬到好莱坞 I moved to, um... Hollywood recently
位于波士顿 我成长和 from boston, where I grew up and...
的地方 Places!
我 And I...
我听说那里有 I heard about these sort of
好莱坞狂野聚会之夜 wild Hollywood party nights that people would have
我不认为这是真的 and I did not think they were true.
直到我搬到好莱坞 Untill I moved to Hollywood
我开始参加好莱坞聚会 and I started having them.
这首歌 Anyway, this is a song
关于几个星期前发生的 about a crazy night
疯狂的夜晚 that happened a couple of weeks ago.
名字是 我昨晚干了什么 It's called: "What did I do last night?"
耶 耶 Yeah! Yeah!
嘿 嘿 嘿 Hey! Hey! Hey!
我昨晚干了什么 What did I do last night?
我哭着入眠 I cried my self to sleep!
这笑话不错吧 It was a good one.
我妈第一次向我描述同性性爱是什么时候 When did my mother first describe gay sex to me?
这是个好问题 在我八岁时 Good question, I was 8 yoears old...
我八岁的时候 I was 8 years old,
她带我去餐厅 she brought me into the dining room,
她坐在我对面 she sat right across the table from me.
你知道我和你爸是如何相爱的吗 "Do you know how your father and I love each other"
知道 "Of course."
你和爸爸深爱对方 "You and dad love each other"
爱到极点 "More then two people could possible love each other."
两个男人也可以这样相爱 "Well two men can love each other in the exact same way"
像你爸爸和我爱着对方一样 "That your father and I love each other."
当两个男人相爱会发生什么呢 "What happens when two men love each other like that."
他们脱下对方的衣服 "What they do is, they take off all their clothes"
走到床上 "Umm.. they get into bed"
然后在圣经上拉屎 "And they SHIT ON THE BIBLE!"
从那以后我就没跟她说过话 So I don't talk to her anymore.
好的 Ok
24602号病人 你好 Hello patient #24602
嗨 抱歉 Hi. I'm sorry.
你感觉怎么样 How are you feeling?
不好 Not great.
治疗有效果吗 Has the treatment been working?
还没有 No, it hasn't been.
你目前是什么症状 What are you'r remaining symptoms?
就是 我会内化我的感觉 I just... I internalise my feelings.
我在表达方面有问题 I have trouble articulati...
就像 其他人 和与之联系的 Like, other people, and relating to them...
从根本上说你仍是一个小碧池对吗 So basically you're still a little bitch?
你好成熟哦 空洞的声音 Real mature of you, disembodied voice.
我开玩笑啦 黑鬼 I was just joking nigger.
我们在奥克兰被赋予权力 We are right by Oakland,
你说这些的时候注意一点 Careful with that shit.
我又不是人类 我想什么说什么 I'm not human, I can say whatever I want.
好吧 Alright, Just get to the...
请告诉我我出了什么问题 What, what's wrong with me, please.
你的情绪和你的逻辑在打仗 Your emotions and your logic are at war.
好吧 Ok.
你的创造力和分析能力在打仗 Your creativity and your analysis are at war.
简单来说 And most simply
你的左脑和右脑在打仗 Your left and your right brain are at war.
我的左脑和右脑 My left and my right... ?
为了解决这个问题 To fix the problem
你必须分离左右脑 We must separate them from each other.
分离 Separa...
分割你的神经系统功能 Splitting your neurological functions in:
我们有预约的 We book an appointment.
你不用倒数啊喂 You don't just start counting down.
这可能会有一点痛 This may hurt a bit
我不知道这是什么啊 I don't even know what "It" Is.
开始 Zero.
就 Just...
分离完成 Isolation complete.
这是Bo的左脑 This is Bo's left brain.
客观的 有逻辑 冷酷 Objective. Logical. Cold.
善于分析 是形态的意识 Analytical. Aware of patterns.
倾向的意识 Aware of trends.
他是高效的 He's efficient.
也是个混蛋 And a prick.
这是Bo的右脑 This is Bo's right brain.
主观 有创造力 感官的 Subjective. Creative. Sensory.
情绪的意识 Aware of feelings.
人们的意识 Aware of people.
他是感性的 He's emotional.
对 Yes.
还是个白痴 And an idiot.
这只是你的观点 因此 That's your opinion... So just...
注意你的观点 哟 Be careful with opinions... Yooo!
好好说话 Play nice.
我是左脑 我是右脑 I am the left brain. I am the left brain.
我很努力 I work really hard
为了我必然死亡的大脑 to my inevitable death brain.
你身负重任 You've got a job to do,
你最好做好来 you better do it right.
正确的方式是和左脑一起 And the right way is with the left brains might.
我喜欢奥利奥和小猫咪 I like Oreos and pussy!
好吧 Yeah! Ok!
看完玩具总动员3 And I cried for at least an hour
我会哭一个小时 after watching Toy Story 3.
我是右脑 I am the right brain.
我有感情 I have feelings.
我有点厌烦这里 I'm a little all over the place,
但我好色且容易相信人 but I'm lustful, trustful,
我正在找个人来爱 and I'm looking for somebody to love.
并且把我的JB放进去 And put my penis in!
有个女人走过来 Here comes a female,
有个女人走过来 here comes a female.
挺起你的胸膛拿出手机 Puff your chest out take your phone
查看邮件 and check your e-mail
我们进化的目的是繁衍 Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate,
现在收集数据 so gather data now
看她会不会是可能的伴侣 and see if she's a possible mate.
卧槽 我觉得她是 Holy fuck! I think she might be the one!
她身上有些特质 There's something about her,
我无法描述 I just can't describe it.
奶头 Tits.
我是地球她就是闪耀的太阳 I am the earth she is the glorious sun.
我想让她信任我 I want her to trust me,
我想让她坐在我脸上 and I just want her to sit on my face.
坐 坐 Sit... sit...
好的 右脑 Alright new right brain,
你疯了吧 you're being insane.
不 左脑 No left brain!
我只是活着 I'm just being alive!
你应该试试 You should try it.
没准你会喜欢 You might like it.
我很努力地给他 I worked hard to give him
所有他在乎的 everything he cared about.
你却在担心 You were worried about
他害怕的事情 the things he was scared about.
我冷静且镇定 I'm calm and collected
当你发逼疯的时候 when you act wild.
我是成年人 I am the adult,
你是小孩子 you are the child.
你以为每次都是你对 You think you are the right one every time.
你以为你什么都懂 You think you know everything.
你根本什么都 You don't know anything
不懂 at all.
他有一半的问题 Half of his problems
本来都该是我的 were supposed to be mine.
但你什么都想要 But you wanted everything.
我希望你是开心的 I hope that you're happy.
因为他肯定是不开心 Cos he's sure not.
据我计算 Well according to my calculations,
你个怂逼 you are a pussy!
人身攻击 真的要这样吗 Name calling? Really?
我们将要人身攻击 We're going to do name calling?
我不是在人身攻击 We are not calling names.
我只是在陈述事实 We are just stating facts.
事实是 And the fact is:
你是个颤抖的怂逼 You're a quivering pussy.
我是怂逼吗 I'm the pussy?
至少我不玩玩具 Well at least I don't play with toys still.
魔方不是玩具好吗 OK, Rubik's cubes are not toys.
魔方使我特殊的推理能力保持敏锐 They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp.
左脑玩玩具 Left brain plays with toys.
看看你 约翰尼艹 Look at you, Johnny fucking...
玩玩具的人 toy player!
至少我特么做了我的工作 Well at least I did my fucking job.
我让他保持运转 I kept him working,
我让他保持生产 I kept him productive.
你本应照顾她 You were supposed to look after him.
你本应让他保持 You were supposed to keep him
情绪稳定 emotionally stable through all this,
现在你却试图怪罪我 now you are trying to blame me
因为他的情绪 for how he's feeling.
他感觉如何 How he's feeling?
如果他觉得不开心 If he's feeling unhappy,
那是因为你辜负了他 it's because you failed him.
你让他变成这样 他恨你 You did this to him, he hates you
我知道他恨你 I know he does.
他好他妈恨你 He fucking hates you!
右脑 听着 我很抱歉 Right brain, look, I'm sorry.
不 你才不 No you're not...
听着 也许有些事 Look, maybe there's something
我们可以一起做 that we could do together.
一起 Together?
拿出我们最好的部分 Take the best parts of both of us.
合二为一 And put them together.
我在听 I'm listening...
这样既可以释放你的感情 It would let you let your feelings out,
也可以让我分析 it would let me analyse.
因此你可以操纵主题 So you could man the themes,
我操纵形式 I'll man the form.
像乔治卡林做的那样 It's something that George Carlin did,
像史蒂夫马丁做的那样 It's something that Steve Martin did,
是某件我们可以一起表现的事情 It's something special that we could both perform.
你知道是什么吗 Do you know what it is?
杂技 Juggling?
我们可以耍杂技 We could juggle,
玩弄我们在乎的事 and juggle our cares away!
是喜剧啦 It was comedy.
我们一起做喜剧 We could do comedy together.
启动重新组装 Initiate reassembly.
好吗 右脑 Alright? right brain,
我们一起做喜剧 we are going to do comedy together.
好的 左脑 Altight left brain,
我和你一起做喜剧 I'll do comedy with you.
看 我们可以这样解决问题 Look, we can fix him like this.
让他再次开心起来 Make him happy again.
我承诺 I promise.
左脑 Left brain...
左脑我爱你 Left brain I love you!
我知道 I know.
实验完成 Experimentation complete.
谢谢 Thank you very much.
到了演出的这部分 At this part of the show
我想聊聊我多有深度 I'd like to talk about how deep I am.
我真他妈有深度 深度 深度 I'm pretty fucking deep... deep... deep...
深得不得了 So deep...
这首歌名字是 That I called this song...
#深度# Hash-tag deep.
你有没有过曾经驻足 Have you ever stopped
看一只蓝鸲从树上掉下来 to watch a bluebird drop from a tree
然后飞走 and take to the air?
我也没有 Me neither.
你有没有花时间 Have you ever took time
去完成一个押韵 out to finish a rhyme
但就是找不到对的韵脚 but the right words just weren't there?
切肉刀 Meat cleaver.
在我一生中出现的人 The people in my life,
他们像沙粒 are like grains of sand.
因为他们黏在一起 Cos they stick together.
常常靠近我的菊花 Often near my butthole.
如果生活是海洋 If life is an ocean,
我就是一条有深度的帅鱼儿 I am a deep and handsome fish.
被淹死的鱼 A fish that's drowning.
如果创作的过程 If the artistic process
是一条产道 is a birth canal
我就是新生儿 then I am a freshly jellied kid,
来看我加冕 come witness my crowning.
我的这些想法 These thoughts of mine,
是我的标志 must be a sign that I'm,
#深度# hash-tag deep.
如果耶稣可以在水上行走 If jesus can walk on water,
那他能在陆地上游泳吗 can he swim on land?
你有没有曾经 Have you ever
意外地尿在马桶上 accidentally peed on the toilet seat
而不是尿在你女朋友的脸上 instead of on your girlfriends face.
我也没有 Me neither.
我真没有 Me neither!
你是否曾经写一首歌 Have you ever wrote a song
一个个音符 note for note,
没有一个音走调 and not a single note was out of place.
在我生命中出现的人 The people in my life,
像草叶 are like blades of grass.
为什么这样说 How?
因为他们都很接地气 Cos they're all so grounded,
至少草 But at least grass stays away
离我的菊花很远 from my BUTTHOLE!
艺术是一个妓女 Art is a harlot,
我是她时髦的城市朋友 and I am her sassy urban friend.
噢 这就是 Oooh... That's why
你如此自私的原因 you're being so selfish.
如果妈说得对 If mamma is right,
世界是牡蛎 and the world is my oyster,
那我一定是对贝壳过敏 then I must have an allergy to shell...
你不知懂 You don't know,
你怎么会懂 how could you know?
如果生活让你 If life makes you wish
生不如死 you were dead.
那就放一部好电影 Just put on a good movie
然后迅速地朝脑袋开一枪 then promptly put a bullet in your head.
永远沉睡 Spend forever asleep.
因为生活和活在梦中相比 Cos life pales in comparison
苍白许多 to living the dream.
#深度# Hash-tag deep.
谢谢 Thank you.
你不讨厌这种吗 Don't you hate it when that happens?
耶 Yeah.
谢谢 名字叫做 Thank you, That's called:
Beating off in A minor "Beating off in A minor".
对 对 Yes... Yes...
A小调 指的是音调 不是重罪 "A-minor", the key, not the felony.
这样 So...
我相信 I believe...
没有什么比 I beilive there's nothing more manly
和其他五个男人一起洗澡 one can do
更有男子气概 then take a shower with 5 other guys.
这是真的 It's true.
这是早期的野人 克鲁马努人(旧石器时代晚期在欧洲的高加索人种) It's early caveman, Cro-Magnon,
在雾气中游荡 wandering though the fog.
擦洗另外五个人 You know scrubbing 5 other sapiens,
绝非基佬 no homo.
我想 I'd like to do... erm...
读几首诗 do some poems right now.
可以吗 Erm... if that's ok?
演出进行到了这个部分 We're at this point at the show.
这些诗实际上 These poems are actually...
我将免费发布几首 I'm releasing this special for free
所以我要去把我的诗集拿来 so I'm going to plug my poetry book.
这几首是出自我诗集的新诗 These are my new poems from my poetry book
名字是 书呆子 called "Egghead".
到时会发布 That will be out by the time this is airing.
但不是现在 But not by the time
你们还都坐在这呢 you guys are seated here right now.
这几首诗非常严肃 They are pretty serious,
并且都有点... and it's all just sort of...
这通常是演出的间歇 This is usually the lull of the show. Usually.
因此我想在这时 So I like at this point to sort of
让你们放松一下 take the pressure of the audience.
就读几首诗吧 And just read some poems,
读完我们再回到咯咯笑 and then we'll go back to the giggles. So...
这是一条狗写的诗 This is a poem by a dog:
玫瑰是灰色的 暴力是不同的灰色阴影 "Roses are gray. Violets are a different shade of gray."
一起追车去吧 "Let's go chase cars."
我 和我奇怪的形容词选择 "Me. With my strange choice of adjectives."
你 和你强健的牙齿和顺时针方向的阴道 "You with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina."
我把变色龙放到一根红色假屌上 "I put a chameleon on a red dildo."
好吧 Well...
他脸红了 "He blushed!"
好 There we go.
这是一首关于美的诗 This is a poem about beauty,
关于自我形象 about self image,
和转变的能力 and about the ability to transform.
玛莎很丑 像一个剃头的狒狒 "Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon."
所以她把自己包起来 "So she wrapped her self up"
包进一个窗帘做成的茧里 "In a curtain cocoon."
一个礼拜后她终于破茧而出 "And after a week she finally emerged."
她问起来像屎 真素个神经病 "She smelled like shit! What a psycho."
你是无与伦比的 "You're incomparable."
像个... "Like a ... "
我想用钝物活活打死你 "I want to beat you to death with a blunt object!"
我想抓住其中一个 "I want to grab one of those"
高端时髦模特的脚踝 "High-end fashion manikins by the ankles"
猛击你的胸腔 "And bash your rib cage in!"
我想削尖十五支铅笔 "I want to sharpen 15 pencils"
用橡皮筋绑起来 "Bind them with a rubber band"
插进你的嘴里 "Stick the lead in your mouth"
给橡皮擦穿孔 "And punch the erasers!"
我想把你绑在钉床上 "I want to strap you to a bed of nails"
然后把床绑在我车子的引擎盖上 "Then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car"
当我开车过减速带的时候就可以看到你痛苦的样子 "So I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps"
在地震期间一家购物中心的停车场 "In a mall parking lot during an earthquake!"
我想要你活下来 "I want you to somehow survive"
遭遇一次可怕的车祸 然后不知何故 "A terrible car crash and then somehow"
在一次轻微交通事故中丧生 "Not survive a small fender bender"
从医院回来的路上 "On the way back from a hospital."
谢谢 这首诗叫做 爸 Thank you that's called "Dad".
这是一首诗 的确是一个故事 This is a poem... It's really a story
主要是孩子的心声 that's meant primarily for children.
但是我认为这个故事有一个教训 But I think it's got a lesson
我们都能学到 we could all learn.
正方形家族开心地生活着 "The squares lived happily."
在他们正方形的房子里 "In their square houses."
在正方形的院子里 "In their square yard."
在正方形的镇上 "In their square town."
有一天 "But then one day,"
从西部搬来了圆形一家 "A family of circles moved in from the west"
滚出这里 圆形们 "Get out of here roundies!"
正方形们吼道 "Shouted one of the squares."
为什么 其中一个圆形说 "Why? Said one of the circles"
因为这是一个关于种族歧视的比喻 "Cos this is a metaphor for racism"
当我走进一个聚会 "When I walk into a party"
你会认为我是一个长直的俄罗斯方块 "You'd think I was one of those long straight Tetris pieces"
每个人都像这样:噢耶 这家伙来了 "Cos everyone's just like: Oh yeah. This guy's here"
我们一直在等待他的出现 "Finally we've been waiting for him to show up"
像在俄罗斯方块游戏中等长条...算了 Like you wait... in the game... Forget it.
不 你有过机会 No. You had your chance.
如果我有一百万美元 "If I had a million dollars"
我会花钱和你妈上床 "I'd pay your mother to have sex with me"
事后我可能会投资剩余的999.990美元 "Afterwards I'd probably invest the remaining $999.990"
和你妈上床只花了十美元 Ten dollars for sex with your mother.
喜剧 Comedy!
我嗅到喜剧 I smell comedy.
喜剧散发出的气味 Well, it was comedy giving off that scent.
最后一首 And finally:
十月中旬 "Mid October,"
随着树叶像彩色铅笔屑般飘落 "With leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings."
街道把我们镇子分割成整齐的 大小不匀的部分 "The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions."
和我 "And me."
吃逼吧宝贝 "Eating that pussy baby!"
谢谢 Thank you so much.
恩 Um...
有些事情我不想碰到 There's things that I don't want to come across
演出时 我经常担心碰到的事 In my show, that I worry often come across, about me,
观众们没有意识到我只是在表演 cos people don't realize it's an act up here.
我不希望你们 I don't want you to ever
认为我高人一等 think that I think that I'm better then people.
或者认为我比你们懂得多 or that I think I know better then people.
恩...无论如何 抱歉 Um... anyway, sorry. OK.
这是一首关于上帝视角的歌 This is a song from the perspective of God.
书本认为我写得太繁琐 Books you think I wrote are way to thick.
谁会需要一千个比喻 Who needs a thousand metaphos
来证明你不是混蛋 to figure out you shouldn't be a dick.
我不会在你睡觉的时候看着你 And I don't watch you when you sleep
令人惊讶的是我没有利用我的能力 Surprisingly I don't use my omnipotence
去当一个变态 to be a fucking creep.
你不会到天堂 You're not going to heaven.
为什么你会以为 Why the fuck would you think
我曾陪你戒除不良嗜好 I'd ever kick it with you?
你们都到不了天堂 None of you are going to heaven.
这里有一兆的外星人比你们酷多了 There's a trillion aliens cooler then you.
你不应放弃强奸 You shouldn't abstain from rape
仅因为我不想你这样做 just cos you think that I want you to.
你不应该强奸 You shouldn't rape
因为强奸是一种糟糕的事情 cos rape is a fucked up thing to do.
很明显 别他妈强奸呗 Pretty obvious, just don't fucking rape people.
没想到我还得为你把这写下来 Didn't think I needed to write that one down for you.
我不认为自慰是淫秽的 I don't think masturbation is obscene.
这很自然啊 It's absolutely natural
也是我见过的 and the weirdest fucking thing
最他妈奇怪的事 I've ever seen.
你让我的工作宛若地狱 You make my job a living hell.
我派出同性恋来解决人口过剩 I send gays to fix overpopulation.
男孩们做得很好 Boy did that go well.
你不会上天堂 You're not going to heaven.
就算吃一千块饼干 Eat a thousand crackers,
唱一百万首颂歌 sing a million hymns.
你们都上不了天堂 None of you are going to heaven.
你才不是我的孩子 You're not my children,
你是个破游戏 you are a bad game of sim.
你不应戒吃猪肉 You shouldn't abstain from pork
仅因你以为我不想让你吃猪肉 just cos you think that I want you to.
你可以吃猪肉 You can eat pork
因为我他妈为毛要在意你吃不吃猪肉 cos why the fuck would I give a shit?
我创造了宇宙 I created the universe,
你认为我是在操蛋的德利岛画线吗 you think I'm drawing the line at the fucking deli isle?
你争论和争吵 You argue and you bicker
你打架 and you fight.
无神论者和天主教徒 Atheists and Catholics,
犹太人和印度教徒争论不休 Jews and Hindus argue day and night.
关于他们认为真实的事情争论 Over what they think is true.
但没有人想到 But no one entertains the thought,
也许上帝根本就不信你 that maybe God does not Believe in you.
你如此虔诚地祈祷上天堂 You pray so badly for heaven.
知道任何一天都可能是你的死期 Knowing any day might be the day that you die.
但也许地球上的生命可以上天堂 But maybe life on earth could be heaven?
不只是一想到它 使它值得一试 Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?
我爱这样的事 My love's the type of thing
你得去争取 that you have to earn.
当你得到了 And when you earn it
你并不需要它 you won't need it.
我爱这样的事 My love's the type of thing
你得争取 that you have to earn.
当你得到了 And when you earn it
其实你不需要它 you won't need it.
我不会给你爱 I'm not gonna give you love
仅因为你想要我这样做 just cos I know that you want me to.
如果你想要爱 If you want love
那么爱必须来自于你自身 then the love has gotta come from you.
在几个麦克风之间走来走去 "Walking between the micorphones"
肥肠尴尬 "Is really awkward."
还用你说 Tell me about it.
Um...
女人好蠢 Women are stupid!
对 我他妈就说出来了 Yeah I fucking said it.
她们又弱又蠢 They are the weaker, dumber sex.
我可以证明给你们看 I can prove it to you.
我喜欢安全的性行为 I like to practice safe sex.
为什么呢 因为我是男的 Why? Cos I'm a guy.
我更聪明 And I'm smarter.
女人每一次都会怎么说呢 What do women say, every time?
每当我套上避孕套 Every time I put on a condom,
她们说什么呢 what do they say?
你干嘛带套啊 "Why are you wearing a condom?"
我要用个假屌操你 "I'm fucking you with a strap-on."
为了安全啊 碧池 To be safe bitch!
愚蠢的女人 Women right, they're the dumb ones.
该说故事了 It's time for a story.
讲个故事吧 Let's do a story.
到了说故事时间 "It's time for a story."
一个特殊的故事 "A very special story"
尤其是你 "Especially for you."
到了说故事时间 "It's time for a story."
到了说故事时间 "It's time for a story!"
现在坐好 听我说故事 "Sit down and listen now."
不要成为一个犹太人 "Don't be a Jew."
这个故事叫做 This story is called...
刚刚是个故障 你可以做一个犹太人 It's a glitch! You can be Jewish.
这个故事 This story...
故事叫做 青蛙安迪 This story is called: "Andy the frog".
故事中有长且复杂的比喻 Featuring long and convoluted similes.
我会提醒你们 And I'll warn you when one of those
字幕 long and convoluted similes
字幕 rears it's old, head.
开始吧 So here we go:
从前 有一只叫做安迪的青蛙 "Once upon a time, there was a frog name Andy."
安迪住在 "Andy lived at the patent park pond."
字幕 "And he never hopped anywhere else"
字幕 "In his entire frog life."
字幕 "He had three best friends:"
字幕 "Milly, who never left her lily pad."
字幕 "Billy, who was always hopping mad."
字幕 "And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn."
字幕 "So one day..."
字幕 "One day..."
字幕 "Andy saw something hop across the grass"
字幕 "On the other side of the pond."
字幕 "Milly, Billy, Roger, look! -Said Andy."
字幕 "Across the pond stood"
字幕 "The most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen."
字幕 "She's gorgeous! -Said Milly."
字幕 "She's beautiful! -Said Billy."
字幕 "A bit old for my taste! -Said Roger."
字幕 "Classic Roger!"
字幕 "And then she was gone."
字幕 "I need to go find her! -Said Andy."
字幕 "I need to follow my little frog heart."
字幕 "So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest."
字幕 "He then came across a turtle."
字幕 "You can't pass! -Said the turtle."
字幕 "Please? -Said Andy."
字幕 "No! -Said the turtle."
字幕 And this is the first long convoluted simile:
字幕 "Then there was a rustling in the bushes."
字幕 "And, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle,"
字幕 "The turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle."
字幕 "Andy kept moving, but at this point,"
字幕 "Like the doctor of the Kenyan track team"
字幕 "His patience ran thin."
字幕 "Andy kept moving."
字幕 "He then came across a giant crocodile."
字幕 "And the crocodile began to chant:"
字幕 "I woke up this morning,"
字幕 "And I sat on a log."
字幕 "I opened up the menu,"
字幕 "The menu said FROG!"
字幕 "Andy said: No! No! Please let go of me!"
字幕 "I can feel my self dying!"
字幕 "You're ripping out my insides!"
字幕 "I'm never going to find her, am I?"
字幕 "There's no God, Is there?"
字幕 "Fuck!" "FUCK!!!!"
字幕 The end. The end!
字幕 So, that's the end of that story.
字幕 If you are curious, the moral of that story
字幕 is irrelevant, cos we are humans.
字幕 Why would it apply to us?
字幕 Um...
字幕 You know my father
字幕 is so hard to get along with.
字幕 Cos he's such a man's man.
字幕 You know? He beilives, like, for example:
字幕 You should always fight fire with fire.
字幕 Which is a horrible way to live your life.
字幕 Especially for him, because he's a firefighter so...
字幕 He was fired...
字幕 That was as stupid as we get.
字幕 But let's get a little stupider, ha?
字幕 "There's a creepy old man"
字幕 "Fishing in a park."
字幕 "And the only problem is"
字幕 "He tied a candy bar"
字幕 "To the end of his line."
字幕 "He's trying to catch a kid."
字幕 You know that stuff...
字幕 Trying to get a little more mainstream.
字幕 Um... People complain about the way I act on stage
字幕 very often, you know.
字幕 They say, like, I repeat jokes.
字幕 Or they also say that
字幕 They say... They don't get again,
字幕 that this is an act, on stage.
字幕 They think on stage I act
字幕 too arrogant, too self-obsessed,
字幕 solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms.
字幕 And they want me to be...
字幕 They want me to be a comic of the people.
字幕 You know. Relate to the people
字幕 with the overarching glue of comedy.
字幕 So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys.
字幕 I'm like you guys, you know.
字幕 Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression
字幕 where I loose all my sense of oneness and self worth. Ha-ha!
字幕 And what I like to do in
字幕 order to assure my self that I am unique,
字幕 and not just one of many small white indistinguishable
字幕 perfectly cylindric checker
字幕 pieces in jesus and Satan's backgammon game.
字幕 Is, I will... I'll say a group a words
字幕 that I think no one has ever said.
字幕 in that order.
字幕 So that... when I say it,
字幕 I feel like: "Look at me!"
字幕 Participating in this new
字幕 moment that no one's ever been a part of.
字幕 So I'll say something random like
字幕 "Peanut-butter tribadism."
字幕 "I'm your father and I loved your comedy show."
字幕 "At first I wasn't
字幕 comfortable leaving him alone with my children"
字幕 "But then I saw his mustache. Phew..."
字幕 Or um...
字幕 "Yo! Check out this Amish website!"
字幕 Or um...
字幕 "I work at a toll booth and I don't want to kill my self."
字幕 Or... That's... too...
字幕 Too real.
字幕 "Yo man! Life's about three things man,"
字幕 "Three things!"
字幕 "Gettin' money!"
字幕 "Gettin' pussy!"
字幕 "And the Dewey Decimal System!"
字幕 Or... Um...
字幕 "Hey! Can you hold my fanny pack I'm gonna go fuck a woman."
字幕 Um... If I could break...
字幕 I want to tank you all for being here
字幕 because I...
字幕 I'm so grateful that you'd all come here
字幕 and spend an hour of your time with me.
字幕 And if you are watching at home or whatever.
字幕 On a computer or something.
字幕 If you have made it this far,
字幕 That you very much for watching.
字幕 Genuinely... I... This is my favorite thing to do.
字幕 And I'm so grateful for people watching it
字幕 and enjoying it. Um... OK.
字幕 I will now recede back into my stage persona
字幕 I just blacked out for 20 seconds.
字幕 Thank you for coming.
字幕 Love songs used to be so beautiful.
字幕 "Let us go then, you and I."
字幕 "When the evening is spread out against the sky"
字幕 "Like a patient etherised upon a table" -T. S. Eliot. Beautiful.
字幕 Love songs now a days
字幕 Just as beautiful, guys!
字幕 Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D.
字幕 You know them.
字幕 But these new atrists
字幕 they've done something very strange
字幕 to the format of the love song
字幕 they've changed it a bit.
字幕 And I try to... capture how they've
字幕 changed the format of the love song
字幕 with this love song.
字幕 I hope you enjoy it
字幕 and mark the differences.
字幕 Jason Derulo.
字幕 I love your hair,
字幕 I love your name,
字幕 I love the way you say it.
字幕 I love your heart
字幕 and you're so smart
字幕 cos you gave away it.
字幕 I love your sis,
字幕 I love your dad,
字幕 And I love your mom.
字幕 But more then all of that
字幕 I love the fact that you are dumb
字幕 enough, to not realise
字幕 everything I've said
字幕 has been said before
字幕 in a thousand ways
字幕 in a thousand songs
字幕 sung with the same four chords.
字幕 But you'll still love it
字幕 and let me finger you.
字幕 Yeaaa! Finger you!!
字幕 Finger you!!!
字幕 Oh girl, I hope you don't think that I'm rude,
字幕 when I tell you that I love you boo.
字幕 I also hope that see through
字幕 this cleverly constructed ruse,
字幕 designed by a marketing team
字幕 cashing in on puberty and low self esteem
字幕 and girls desperate need to feel loved.
字幕 America says we love a chorus,
字幕 but don't get complicated and bore us.
字幕 Though meaning might be missin'
字幕 We need to know the words after just one listen
字幕 so repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 ...repeat stuff.
字幕 Yeah. Oh you know it?
字幕 I love my baby and you know
字幕 I could not live without her.
字幕 But now I need to make every girl
字幕 think this song's about her.
字幕 Just to make sure that they
字幕 spread it like the plague.
字幕 So I describe my dream girl
字幕 as really really vague, like:
字幕 I love your hands
字幕 cos your fingerprints are like no other.
字幕 I love your eyes
字幕 and their blueish-brownish-greenish color.
字幕 I love it when you smile
字幕 that you smile wide.
字幕 And I love how your torso
字幕 has a arm on either side.
字幕 If you're my agent,
字幕 you might be thinking:
字幕 "Oh no!"
字幕 "Sound the alarm!"
字幕 "You're not appealing"
字幕 "To little girls"
字幕 "Who don't have arms."
字幕 But they can't use iTunes, so...
字幕 FUCK them!
字幕 Who needs them?
字幕 Oh girl I ho...
字幕 Oh! Hello Satan!
字幕 Satan you taste so good!
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 Everybody!
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 C'mon, louder. I can't hear you.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff.
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 +
字幕 Young ones, listen up!
字幕 I'm in magazines,
字幕 full of model teens
字幕 so far above you.
字幕 So read them
字幕 and hate your self.
字幕 And pay me to tell you
字幕 I love you.
字幕 And your parents will always come along.
字幕 Because their little girl is in love!
字幕 And how can love be wrong?
字幕 How can love be wrong?
字幕 When you repeat stuff...
字幕 .Repeat stuff..
字幕 ..Repeat stuff.
字幕 repeat stuff...
字幕 .Rep...
字幕 ...I am a vessel...
字幕 ....666...
字幕 ...llluminati...
字幕 We know it's not right.
字幕 We know it's not funny.
字幕 But we'll stop beating this dead horse
字幕 when it stops spiting out money.
字幕 But until then...
字幕 We will repeat stuff.
谢谢你们一直都很 Thank you so much, you guys have been... Um...
你们一直很棒 you guys have been absolutely amazing.
非常棒 You've been absolutely amazing.
这是演出结尾 That's the end of the show.
我或许应该以一种更高的音符 I probably should have ended it
来作为演出结尾 on a sort of higher note there.
但 这就是演出What的结尾 But yeah, that's the end of "What."
我希望你们喜欢 I hope you liked it...
Bo Bo!
哦买噶 Oh my god!
你好吗 How are you?
自从大一年级之后 I have not seen you
我没再见过你 since like freshman year.
哦买噶 Oh my god!
你那时又瘦 You were so like skinny
又奇怪 And weird back then.
但现在你 But now you're... Um...
无论如何 Anyway... Um...
你应该来 You should totally come
我和几个大学的朋友 to this party I'm having tonight
举办的聚会 with some of my college friends.
这将会很疯狂 It's gonna be off the chain hook!
会很棒 It's gonna be so good.
你可以为我们表演几首歌 You can play some songs for us,
或者其他才艺 or something.
我一直跟大家说 I've been telling everybody
我们曾是多么好的朋友 how good a friends we were
那时 Back in the day.
我知道我们从未说过话 I know we never talked
或是出去玩 但是 or hung out ever, but... Um...
我认为这恰好让 I think that's what made
我们的友谊如此特殊 你懂的 our friendship so special, you know.
发短信给我 好吗 拜 Anyway, text me. OK. Bye.
Burnham先生 Mr. Burnham?
你好吗 How you doing?
好吧 好 Good? Good.
我是个 我是个来自洛杉矶的 I'm a... I'm a agent
代理人 from out Los Angeles.
真心喜欢你的表演 Really dig your stuff man.
它就在外面 你知道 It's out there. You know.
我完全明白 I totally get it.
其中最好的部分是 And the best part about it man,
你有了这些年轻的粉丝 you got all these young fans.
这很好 And... Which is great
因为年轻人 Because young people,
他们很 他们富有激情 they're... they're very passionate,
他们是十分可靠的消费者 they're very... Um... reliable consumers.
但你要做的是 But what you gotta do
为了让你的事业 in order to take your career
达到下一个层次 to the next level,
你必须更迎合他们 you gotta cater more heavily to them.
好吧 我们做了研究 Alright, we've done studies,
年轻人对此不作回应 young people do not respond
你知道的 内省的材料 to this, you know, introspective material
这些挑战的形式 你知道的 these challenges to the form, you know.
年轻人想听 Young people want jokes
和他们有关的笑话 懂吗 they can relate to. OK?
因此 写一首 So... Write a...
写一首关于脸书的蠢歌 Write a silly song about Facebook
你知道 写一些 you know, write some jokes
关于推特 about Twitter,
或是含糖谷物 or sugary cereal,
或是滑板车的笑话 or razor scooters.
和他们有关 Relate to them.
你知道的 还要 You know, also
在互联网上 you gotta reestablish your presence
重建你的风采 好吗 on the internet buddy. Alright?
材料好或不好 It's not important weather
这不重要 the material is good or not.
重要的是 What's important is
你维持这Bo Burnham品牌 that you keep the Bo Burnham brand
活得好好的 Alive and well.
你懂了吗 好了 You get it? Cool.
我们晚点再讨论 We'll discuss more later
我知道这很重要 I know it's a lot.
我的电话是310555 My number is 310... 555...
基佬 Fag!
别来无恙兄弟 What up dude!
近来如何 你好吗 What's up? How are you man?
兄弟 你变了 You've changed bro.
你变了 You've changed.
我不认识你 I never knew you.
但我以前的室友 But my friends old room mate's friend
说他和你的高中同学 said he knew you in highschool
一旦这一切喜剧开始上演 and that you became a real asshole
你变成了一个真正的混蛋 once all this comedy stuff started happening.
这是怎么了 What is it man?
你以为你比我们好吗 You think you are better then us?
你以为你比我们好 You think you are better then us
仅因你长得高 just because you are tall?
哇 恭喜你 你很高 Woah, congtars man, you are tall.
哇 好棒棒呢 Wow! That's incredible.
哇 你想要个奖杯 Woah! You want a trophy
嘉奖你的身高吗 for being tall?
你想要 我们给所有的 You wonna... We should just give
高高的事物 trophies to tall things
和每一棵树 建筑物 and every tree, and building
颁发奖杯 will have a trophy.
这有意义吗 Does that make sense?
哟 为何你现在如此 Yo? Why are you acting
安静且奇怪 all quiet and weird right now?
哟 我知道为什么 Yo I know why you are.
因为你是个自大的混蛋 It's cos you are an arrogant prick,
这就是原因 一个自大的混蛋 that's why. An arrogant fucking prick!
我听说 I once herd that you
你表现得很平静 actually act quiet because
因为你在真实生活中害羞且内向 you are shy and introverted in real life,
人们不应该指望你 and that people should not expect
在台上和台下 you to act the same way
表现得一模一样 off stage as you do on stage.
蛤蛤 耶 耶 Ha ha! Yeah, yeah...
毫无意义 That makes no sense.
那么 你想买些大麻吗 Anyway, you wanna buy some weed?
Bo 哦买噶 Bo! Oh my god!
Bo Bo!
哦买噶 Oh my god!
Burnham先生 Mr. Burnham.
Bo Bo!
基佬 Fag!
Bo Bo!
哦买噶 Oh my god!
Burnham先生 Mr. Burnham.
Bo Bo!
基佬 Fag!
Bo Bo!
哦买噶 Oh my god!
Burnham先生 Mr. Burnham.
我是撒旦 黑暗之王 I am Satan, lord of darkness!
什么鬼 What the hell?
你不打这个女生吗 You're not gonna hit the girl?
这是性别歧视 That's sexist!
我们认为你变了 兄弟 We think you've changed, bro.
我们知道 We know best.
你逊爆了 You suck!
我们认为你变了 兄弟 We think you've changed, bro.
我们知道 We know best.
你逊爆了 You suck!
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You
我们以为 We think
我们了解 We know
你 You