#Bah bah-bah #
# Bah bah-bah-bah #
「超強性高潮」
# Bah bah-bah #
「羅密歐與朱麗葉」
# Bah bah-bah-bah #
我慾火焚身了 I want you so bad!
天啊 Oh, man!
-來吧 -好啊 - Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
很贊吧 Pretty awesome, huh?
天啊 Oh, my God!
- 等一下，怎麼了？ - 媽啊 - Wait! What's the matter? - Oh, my God!
是不是我的陰毛有分叉？ 我可以綁成玉米辮 Is it my split ends? I can corn-row it!
綁成玉米辮... Corn-row it! Corn-row it!
起床吧 #Get up #
因為我已經醒來幾小時 # 'Cause I been up for hours #
我相信 # I bet #
今天我會有機會認識她 # Today I'm gonna know her#
然後 # Then again #
我的小弟弟又站起來了 # I am thinking with a boner #
片名：41處男
搭帳篷 # Morning wood #
早安啊，你看起來容光煥發 # Good morning. You look so good #
「編劇：一個黑人與一個白人」
撐帳篷 # Morning wood #
早安啊，你看起來容光煥發 # Good morning. You look so good #
撐帳篷 # Morning wood #
「製片：一個爛咖」
早安啊 # Good morning #
早安，帳篷 # Good morning, wood #
「剪接：一個卷毛毒蟲」
生活艱苦 # It's hard #
「主演：一群素人 一群不是猶太人的素人」 在夢裏我的人生有方向 # In dreams I have direction #
我一醒來 # I awake #
小弟弟就會像這樣「站起來」 # With this erection #
我的人生 「導演：布萊特雷納」 # My life #
在遇見她的那天變得完整 「導演：布萊特雷納維茲」 # Completes the day I meet her#
附註，我希望 # P.S. I hope #
她喜歡模型人偶 # She likes action figures #
翻頁 - Page. - # Morning wood #
這幾個正妹特地叫我們請她們喝酒 「...只看電影就可以了」 Listen, these bitches specifically asked us to get them alcohol.
根本是自動送上門 I mean, it's a no-brainer.
我們帶酒去參加派對就可以把到全校最辣的正妹 We bring booze to the party and we're getting laid by the hottest chicks in school.
她們很容易上的 They're D.T.F.- down to fuck!
安迪，酸奶油加得好 Mmm! Andy, nice touch with that sour cream, man.
我沒有加酸奶油 I didn't use sour cream.
相信我，派對結束後你跟她肯定會搞上床 Trust me, you will have your D. I.H.E.-dick in her ear
她會讓你欲僊欲死 T. I.H.A.- toe in her ass - and my B.O.Y.C.
而你會替我口交 balls on your chin.
喬納，聽起來很可怕耶 That just sounds horrible, Jonah.
什麼？你的意思是你寧願只替我口交？ What? Are you saying you would just rather have my balls on your chin?
- 你幹嘛？ - 沒什麼，頭髮跑進眼裏了。這不是重點 - What are you doing, man? - Nothing. Hair in your eye. Look, it doesn't matter.
重點是我們要找人幫我們買酒 What's important here is that we find someone who can get us alcohol...
這樣我們才能在十八歲生日前跟女人上床 so we can get some "P" in the motherfuckin' va-"G" before our 18th birthday.
就是這樣 That's it.
嘿 Hey.
嘰喀嘰喀耶 Chicka-chicka-yeah!
看我昨晚弄到了什麼 Look what I picked up last night! Huh?
「正統猶太教學校，麥擱愛」
- 麥擱愛？ - 沒錯 - "McAnalovin"? - Yeah.
一個假名？真的嗎？ 這到底是什麼？ - One frickin' name? For realsies? - What the hell is that?
- 這張身份證很棒 - 超讚的 - It's a great I.D. - It's fuckin' awesome, man!
- 可以幫我弄一張嗎？ - 沒問題 - Could you get me one? - Yeah, I can hook you up.
- 太棒了 - 因為我是麥擱愛 - Nice. - 'Cause I am McAnalovin.
猶太教學校2010年度的學生 Yeshiva class of 2010!
嘰喀嘰喀耶！假身份證，好正點啊 Chicka-chicka-yeah! Fake I.D.! Fake I.D.!
小聲點 Keep it down, bitches!
平常我不是這麼挑的 Look, normally I wouldn't give a shit...
但我表哥說這種大麻有嚴重的副作用 but my cousin said that there's some serious side effects with this herb.
非常嚴重 I mean serious.
搞什麼？你少在那邊耍娘 What's wrong with you? You're such a pussy.
這會是你吸過最棒的大麻 It'll be the best shit you've ever smoked.
他們告訴你它有副作用是因為他們想獨吞 They're just telling you it's got side effects so they can keep it all for themselves.
好，那你自己吸吧 All right, then you smoke some.
沒興趣，我正在戒大麻 Not interested. I'm on a diet.
不如這樣吧 I'll tell you what.
如果你連續一星期吸這種大麻，我就替你付半年房租 You smoke this shit for one week straight, and I'll pay your rent for six months.
- 真的？ - 沒錯 - Serious? - Uh, yeah.
- 一言為定，賤貨 - 你知道我怎麼發現你是同志的？ - You're on, bee-yatch! - You know how I know you're gay?
- 怎麼發現的？ - 你剛才叫我賤貨 - How? - Uh, you just called me "bee-yatch. "
-你知道我怎麼發現你是同志的？ -怎麼發現的？ - You know how I know you're gay? - How?
- 你屁股插了一根「假屌」 - 什麼？ - You have a dildo stuck in your ass. - What?
是啊，你自己確認一下 Yeah. Check it out.
費南多，終於找到你了 Oh, there you are, Fernando.
聞起來有咖哩味 Hey, this smells like curry.
測試一、二 Check one. Check two.
天啊，這麥克風聞起來好像吉米的小弟弟 Ohh! Oh, my God, this microphone smells like Jimmy's balls!
- 嘿，曼紐 - 不，那是... - Hey, Manuel. - No, that's mean.
不好意思，我對脫口秀表演超有興趣 Excuse me. I so badly want to do stand-up comedy.
如果有人肯教我我願意不惜代價 I'd do anything for somebody to teach me how.
我覺得你問錯人了 You know, I'm actually probably not the person to ask...
我不是最佳人選，因為我資歷尚淺 'cause I'm not very seasoned.
但這裏有很多資深的前輩 But there are several comics here that you could ask.
你開玩笑吧 Oh, no, you don't.
這裏有很多人可以幫你的忙 There are a number of people here who could actually help you.
小姐，麻煩請你迴避一下 Excuse me for a minute, young lady.
然後她懷孕了 Then she got pregnant. Um
- 帥哥，你吃錯藥啦 - 幹嘛？ - Biscuit, what the hell's the matter with you? - What?
她想邀你上床，而你卻無動於衷 She wants your ass, and you're standing there with your dick in your hand!
得了吧，她沒有這個意思，你太扯了 Give me a break. She doesn't want me. That's just stupid.
拜託，帥哥，相信我吧 Come on, Biscuit. Trust me!
我是過來人 Take it from a man who's been around.
雖然我患有少年衰老癥 I may have the Benjamin Button disease...
但我一出娘胎就開始把妹了 but I've had experience with women since childbirth.
三天前，砰 Three days ago- bam!
謝謝你的經驗之談，但她對我沒興趣 Okay, thank you very much for sharing, but believe me, she doesn't want me.
對吧？ 「安迪，我要你」 Okay?
老弟，你無藥可救了 You are a lost cause, my brother.
但你知道嗎？我跟你不一樣 Well, Blaqguy, I'm not like you. Okay?
我不瞭解女人，我對這種事並不在行 I'm not some wizard at reading women. I don't know how to do this.
至少你是個正常人 At least you're normal.
我一個25歲的人，卻拖著八十五歲的身體 I'm a 25-year-old in an 85-year-old body.
你知道這種感覺有多悲哀？ Do you know what that shit's like? Huh?
去年的這個時候，我愛上了... This time last year I was in love...
我那個同志叔父所放的屁 with the best fart my gay uncle laid.
我昨晚跟一個女人做愛 Oh, dude, last night I was fuckin' this chick.
做到一半的時候，我... We were in the middle of fucking, and I
我們兩個人都滿身大汗 And we're getting all sweaty...
後來我才發現那不是汗水，而是尿 and then I realize it's not sweat- it's pee.
這個賤女人尿在我身上 This bitch peed all over me!
我聽出來了，你這是處男的笑聲 I know that laugh. That's a virgin's laugh.
什麼？你亂講什麼？ What? What are you talking about?
現在我終於搞懂了 It all makes sense now!
- 原來安迪是處男 - 你還是處男 - Andy's a virgin! - You're a fucking virgin?
我不是 No, I'm not!
他絕對不是處男，不可能的 My man is not a virgin! It's impossible!
是嗎？那他為何穿這件屌絲衫？ 「處男」 Oh, yeah? Well, then why is he wearing this shirt? # Virgin #
這只是一個玩笑，這是一件爛衣服 That's a joke! It's just a joke, a stupid shirt.
就這樣 That's all!
我絕不是... 「我可能也有陰道」 I'm not a
這只是衣服而已，我不是處男 They're just shirts! I'm not a virgin!
那這又是什麼？ Then what is this shit, my friend?
「滾開，臭女人！安迪的媽媽」
這該死的處男真欠揍 Oh, let's beat his fuckin' virgin ass!
我們該上你才對 We should have sex with your ass!
各位，冷靜點，冷靜點！先放他一馬吧，他可是安迪耶 Guys, come on, calm down. Give him a break, all right? It's Andy.
你一定要大展雄風才行 You gotta get a set of nuts, bro.
你要敞開自己，享受人生 You gotta get out there and experience life.
拿出你的霸氣，對女人為所欲為 Be aggressive. Do what you want with them.
要是她們說：「不要，不要進來，會傷害我...」 If they say, "No, stop, not in there, you're hurting me"...
別管她們 you do it anyway.
不要就是要 No means yes.
這個年代怎麼還會有處男？ How does anyone stay a fucking virgin all these years?
現在毛沒長全的中學生都會網交了 I mean, there are shaved middle-schoolers having sex on the Internet right now.
真夠嗆 What the fuck?
我不是說我親身經驗過 Uh, not- not that I know that from... experience.
我的意思是我曾經聽過 I mean, that's what I heard...
從我遇到的人那裏 from people that... I met...
在網路上 on the Internet.
呃- Uh
我是青蜂俠 I'm the Green Hornet.
是啊 Yeah.
帥哥，我真是搞不懂 I just don't get it, Biscuit.
你怎麼有辦法過四十年無性的生活？ How in the hell could you go 40 years and not have sex?
我不知道，我只是停止嘗試了 I don't know. I just kinda stopped trying.
沒關係的，反正潤滑劑可以大派用場 That's okay, man. That's what Simonizing your disco stick is for.
- 什麼？ - 就是自己搞定的意思 - What? - You know. Buttering your peppercorn.
自己澆熄慾火 Skinnin' your smoke wagon.
用萬能的雙手滿足自己 Fillin' the sock with something other than your foot.
噢，好的，你是指自慰 Oh. Okay. You mean masturbation.
我不懂那些專有名詞，我是指手淫 I don't know what all that shit means, man. I'm talkin' 'bout whackin' off.
- 我從沒做過那種事 - 什麼？ - Yeah, well, I've never done that. - You what?
你沒有過性高潮？ You've never busted a nut?
你四十年來都沒射過精？ So you got 40 years of creamer all built up in there?
- 是啊 - 該死 - Yeah. - Damn!
我知道，最糟的是我覺得自己是異類 I know. And the worst part is, I just feel so left out.
除了我之外，大家都在做愛 I feel like everybody's having sex but me.
不必有壓力，哪可能每個人都在做愛呢 Ah, no pressure, Biscuit. Not everybody's sexin' it up.
是嗎？那麼那樣算什麼？ Oh, yeah? What do you call that?
沒有性交不算是真正的做愛 I say sex is not sex without penetration.
天啊，那是什麼情形？ Oh, my God. What is that?
我的屁股 My hip!
該死！真是淫蕩啊 Damn! That's some nasty shit, Ma!
我的媽啊 Sweet mother of Mary.
我喜歡 Me likey.
我非常喜歡 Me likey a lot!
走慢一點 Walk slower.
該死！天啊，她好美啊 Damn! God! She was so pretty.
看吧，我就是這麼倒霉 Oh. See, that's just my luck, Blaqguy.
哈-哈，快看啊！ Ho-ho-ho-ho! Look, look, look, man!
她沒事 She's okay!
你的機會來了 That's all you, dog!
不，那些幫派分子真該死 No! Damn it! Those gangs!
或許她不是你的機會 Maybe not.
等一下... Wait, wait, wait!
她的生命力好強，她充滿了激情和活力 She's so resilient. She's so full of... verve and vigor.
嗯嗯 Mm-hmm.
喔，不 Oh, no! Man
那些人是混蛋 That's such assholes.
該死，你的女人運真差 Damn, Biscuit, you do have some bad sex karma.
一定要徹底改運一下，就從你的「毛衣」開始吧 We gon' have to change your whole vibe, startin' with that fur carpet.
好，你們先問自己，你們的動機是什麼？ 「烈酒」 All right, just ask yourself, what's your "why factor"?
動機？沒錯，你一副泊車小弟的樣子 當然要先想清楚動機 - My "why factor"? - Yeah, you valet attendant-looking motherfucker!
你為什麼要違法買酒？ Why are you buying alcohol illegally?
因為你要利用酒來把妹 Because you get some pussy in exchange for it.
- 真的只為了這個？ - 當然 - Is this really what this is all about? - Of course!
- 當然啦，除非... - 你幹嘛？ - That is, unless - What are you doing, man?
沒什麼，你臉上有一點芥末 Nothing. Just a little mustard on your face.
聽好了，我們弄到酒的話今晚就可以跟女人做愛了 Look, guys, we get alcohol, we'll be sac-deep by midnight.
麥擱愛，快進去搞定一切 So, McAnalovin, get your fuckin' ass in there and get us our "why factor. "
- 白癡，脫掉這件背心 - 背心？ - Give me that fuckin' vest, you faggot! - The vest?
對，快脫掉，它讓你看起來像牛排館的泊車小弟 Yeah, take it off, dickhead. Looks like you're parking cars at Morton's.
它讓我看起來比較老，你這個死玻璃 Makes me look older, you fucking gay Garth Brooks!
你欠揍啊！快把背心給我，然後滾進去 I'm gonna fucking kill you! Give me that fucking vest and get the fuck in there!
好討厭他 Fuckin' hate him.
- 這次會成功的 - 最好如此 - It'll be fine. - Better fucking work.
- 放心，會成功的 - 死混蛋 - It'll work. It's fine. - Fucking asshole.
有好多種選擇 So many things
天啊 Oh, my God.
好 Mmm. Okay.
現在聽得見嗎？ Can you hear me now?
很好 Good!
好，千萬不要引人注目 Okay, don't draw attention to yourself.
哦 Oh!
好 Okay
慘啦 Oh, shit!
未成年，滾回家找你媽，快滾 Under age! Go! Go home to your mother! Go!
下一個，出示身份證 Next, next. I.D. I.D.!
快點 Come on!
非本州居民 Ah! Out of state.
不准買酒。下一個！ No good here. Next!
快點...快點... Come on, come on, come on!
身份證 I.D.
你嘴巴真甜啊，年輕人 That's very flattering, young man...
但我是1930年出生的老年人 but I was born in the year 1930.
從你皺到不行的雙手我就看出來了 Yes, I can see that you are old by your leathery hands...
- 而且你的咪咪已經垂到底了 - 到哪裏？ - and your breasts that sag to your "WUPA." - What's a "WUPA"?
皺皺的上陰部 Wrinkled Upper-Pussy Area.
沒有身份證就不能買酒 No I.D., no alcohol.
下一個 Next!
全都是死瘋子 These crazy motherfuckers.
我要去休息一下 I'm going on break.
身份證 I.D.
快點，我不是跟你開玩笑的 Let's go. This isn't vacation.
麥擱愛 McAnalovin.
這是什麼爛名字？ What kind of bitch-ass name is this?
- 你是怎樣看出來的？ - 給我看你的奶頭 - H-How'd you read it? - Show me your nipples!
- 什麼？ - 奶頭 - What? - Nipples.
我要你露出那兩點。讓我看看 Bitch tits. Little pinks. Lemme see 'em.
- 我的奶頭？ - 對，我有口吃嗎？ - My nipples? - Yes. Please. Do I s-s-stutter?
啊？哦？ Huh? Eh?
- 很好，柔軟又緊實 - 哦 - All right. Supple and taut. - Ow!
我猜你十五歲，最多只有十六歲 I'd say 15, maybe 16 at the most.
什麼？不會吧，太扯了 What? No way! That's crazy!
不要騙我 Don't fuck with me.
該死，你穿了皮草？ Damn, Biscuit! What are you wearing, a fur coat, dog?
不，我... Oh, no. My
我爸有巴爾幹半島的血統，所以毛髮超旺盛 My father's from the Balkans. They're hairy.
你不該繼續吸這種爛大麻，你表哥手上的那些才是上等貨 Don't waste your high on that weak shit, bro. Your cousin's shit is the bomb.
真的？你沒有任何副作用？ Really? You don't feel any side effects?
一點也沒有，我早說過那是好東西 Not a one, my friend. I told you that was pure bullshit.
你終於知道自己有奶頭，對吧 You realize you have tits, right?
耶，全新的經驗 Yee! New experience.
- 嘿-呀！ - 死中國妹 - Hyah! - Chinese bitch!
印第安妹、猶太妹和黑妹 Indian girl. Jew. Black.
好吧，但你的毛髮真是超多的 Okay, but you're one hairy motherfucker!
一共有好幾層毛呢 Even your hair is growing hair.
所以我要用特粘的除毛貼布，成吧？ Yeah, I need to use the extra-sticky flak jacket. Okay?
你準備好了嗎？ You ready?
- 上面好像有很多粘膠，會不會痛啊？ - 不會痛的 - This seems like a lot of glue. Is this gonna hurt? - It's not gonna hurt, man.
她非常專業。不會痛的，對吧？ She's a professional. It's not gonna hurt, right?
當然會痛啊，你這個白癡 Yes, of course it's going to hurt, you stupid idiot.
- 天啊 - 做個男子漢，不要做膽小鬼，好嗎？ - Oh, God. - You ready? You be a man, okay? Don't be a pussy.
準備好啦，一、二 Okay? You ready? A- one, a-two!
- 1-2-3，搞定 - 不要啊，不要啊 - Get set! - No, no, please!
好像不算太痛 It doesn't... hurt that much.
如果那是你的奶頭，我肯定會昏倒 Dude, if those are your nipples, I'm gonna pass out.
有沒有搞錯啊，當然是他的奶頭，不然呢？ Of course they his nipple! What you think?
看吧，牆上貼滿了我的收藏，你們看到沒？ Look. They all on the wall. I got a collection over there. You see?
糟了 Shit.
娘炮...娘炮...娘炮...娘炮... Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
- 我不是同志，怎麼會是娘炮呢？ - 非常謝謝你們 - How does it make me a pussy if I'm not gay? - Domo arigato, bitches!
很感激你們願意載我一程 I really appreciate you guys giving me a lift and everything...
但我在這裏下車就行了 but I think I can walk from here.
這是應該的，你被那個海倫凱勒揍成這樣 Man, it's the least we could do, considering what Helen Keller did to your ass back there.
是啊，她真是太過分了 Yeah, that was totally uncalled for, I know.
麥擱愛 "McAnalovin"?
這是什麼爛名字？ What the fuck type of name is that?
我是愛爾蘭...G片男星 Irish... gay... porn?
你這副德性怎麼見人？我們要帶你去血拼 How y'all expect to get anywhere looking like that? We need to take you shopping.
你要買點東西，衣服、飾品之類的 Get you some things, some clothes, some style.
- 另外也要買點酒 - 沒錯，要用什麼買呢？ - Alcohol, maybe? - Absolutely. And how do you get that?
- 用身份證？ - 放屁，是用錢 - My I.D.? - No, motherfucker. Money!
- 懂嗎？你要怎樣弄到錢？ - 工作？ - All right? Now, how you get money? - Uh, work?
- 太離譜了 - 他頭腦有問題 - That's crazy talk, son. - That shit is crazy, dog.
現在的年輕人就是這樣 That's what's wrong with the young people, Yo Ass.
- 他們只會乖乖做功課和負責任 - 嘿 - They all wanna do homework and be responsible. - Hey!
- 天啊 - 他們只會奉公守法 - Oh, my - They all wanna grow up
怎麼可能高中念到一半就輟學 Whatever happened to droppin' out of high school...
搞大別人的肚子，或開始出來玩音樂？ get a bitch pregnant, start a music career?
全是狗屁 Preach, nigga, preach!
嘿 Hey.
麥擱愛 Well, McAnalovin...
這裏是美國，我們要走懷舊風 this is America and we 'bout to bring things back to the good old days.
我們兩個要用最傳統的方法幫你弄到錢 Beat and Yo Ass about to get you some money the old-fashioned way, homeboy.
- 什麼方法？ - 我們要去搶劫 - What? - We gon' steal it.
學著點，小子 Hold on, white boy.
好啊 Ah, yeah!
「麥擱愛，幼齒警官，葛屁警官」
這是生命儀？ Is that a life meter?
對，現在是綠色的，變成紅色就表示你掛了 Yep, and it's green. When it turns red, your ass is dead.
快穿上 Put this shit on.
我們要把自己當成電動遊戲裏的搶劫犯 We fixin' to go G.T.A. up in this bitch.
- 呼 - 天啊 - Whoo! - Oh, shit!
- 噢 - 我們去血拼吧 - Oh. - Let's go shoppin'.
法西斯 Fascists!
嘿，給我 Hey, what
怎樣？ What? Huh?
混蛋 Asshole!
朋友，來買柳橙吧 Hey, my man! Oranges!
柳橙兩塊錢 Naranjas. Each 2 Dollars.
- 你剛才做了什麼？ - 不會吧 - What'd you just do? - Oh, no, he didn't!
怎麼了？我搶到現金了 What? I got the cash money, dude!
- 你剛才搶了一個墨西哥人？你在開玩笑嗎？ - 怎麼了？ - Did you just rob a Mexican? Are you kidding me? - What?
你知道在這個遊戲中搶劫墨西哥人會怎樣嗎？ Do you know what happens when you rob a Mexican in this game?
搶劫白人，你會得到錢 Dog, when you rob a white guy, you get the money.
搶劫黑人的話，整場遊戲他都會一直追殺你 When you rob a black guy, he'll chase after your ass the whole dang game.
但如果你搶劫墨西哥人 But if you rob a Mexican
整個拉丁族群都不會放過你的 Dog, you get the entire Latin community after your dumb ass!
所有拉丁人，包括了年輕人 小男孩、玩音樂的樂團 Every ese, muchacho, nino, Menudo, Santana and Rob Thomas...
餐車上的人...他們全都會跑出來追殺我們 the motherfuckers from the catering truck, they gon' all try to kill us!
快點逃吧 Bring your ass over here!
快開車... Go, go, go, go, go!
我們今天要幫你找個女人 We gon' find your ass a woman today.
哎唷，小心點，很痛耶 Ow! Careful. I'm sore.
看起來怎樣？ How do they look?
看起來像殺人魔的奶頭 You look like Hannibal Nipples.
- 這邊請 - 說得好 - Right this way. - Got 'im.
「歡迎光臨速配約會中心 一小時有二十人配對成功」
你應該喜歡游泳和摘蘋果吧 - Well, you should like swimming and apple picking and
我喜歡高大的男人，但我不要懷孕，你懂我的意思吧 You know I like a really large man, but he's gotta shoot blanks. You know what I'm sayin'?
- 媽咪，我口渴 - 啊 - Mommy, I'm thirsty! - Bla
嘿，媽咪正在勾引男人，你別來煩我 Hey! Mommy's trying to get some penis right now. Suck it up.
我愛我的孩子 I love my kids.
我們喜歡簡單的方式 We'll keep it simple.
他一邊替你舔蛋蛋，我一邊幫你手淫 He'll toss your salad while I give you the reach-around.
好嗎？ Okay?
不好，我... No, I'm
我喜歡享受蒸汽浴 So, yeah, I like sitting in saunas...
待在澡堂，玩拍球遊戲 being in bathhouses, playing racquetball.
我喜歡... I like, uh...
露營、搭帳篷 camping, pitching tents
- 她不適合你 - 什麼？ - She's not the one. - What?
她是個萬人迷，你在胡說什麼？ She's a knockout. What are you talking about?
身材高大、頭大，下巴輪廓有陽剛味 Tall, big head, masculine jaw.
- 有點不對勁 - 哪裏不對勁？ - Something's not right. - What's not right?
- 天啊，看看她的手 - 她的手有什麼問題？ - Motherfucker, look at her hands. - What's wrong with her hands?
我很挑剔的，你懂嗎？ I'm pretty picky. You know?
- 被那一根搞砸了 - 嗯 - That ruins everything. - Mmm.
嘗過這味才算嘗過墨西哥料理 「拉肚子，就是靠這種屎味」 You ain't tasted Mexican until you taste this shit, white boy.
這個超讚的 Shit's the bomb, dog.
- 來吧 - 耶 - Ahh. There we go. - Yeah!
- 那扇窗為何有個F？ - F？ - Why is there an "F" in the window? - "F"?
- 那是B - 笨蛋 - Man, that's a "B." - Stupid motherfucker.
如果這裏的衛生是F級，我還會帶你來嗎？ You think I would take you somewhere if it was an "F"?
三份加屎卷餅， 一份淋屎玉米卷餅 We got three ass-piss burritos, one crap splatter enchilada
- 那是我的 - 全都齊了 - That's mine. That's mine. - We got it all!
謝啦 racias, hombre!
糟糕 Oh, shit.
- 我早說過會這樣吧，你們看 - 糟了 - I told you this was gonna happen! Look! - Oh, shit!
- 流氓來了 - 他們在那裏，嘿 - Here come the gangbangers! - There they are! Hey!
最近有人去過動物園嗎？ Has anybody been to the zoo lately?
之前去了動物園 I went to the zoo and, uh, I w-w
我走到企鵝的籠子前面 walked up to the penguin cage...
我想知道其他動物有沒有在注意它們 and, um, I was, like, I wonder if the other animals are looking at them going...
天啊，真高興我是人 "God, I'm glad I'm me. "
因為這些企鵝... Because they, uh, you know
如果我前世是沒有腿，又不會飛的企鵝該怎麼辦？ It's like, I wonder what I did in my past life to be reborn a legless, flightless bird...
生活在北極的中央 in the middle of the North Pole
是南極才對，抱歉 South Pole. Sorry. Um
閉嘴吧 Close!
- 呃 - 沒人想聽 - Uh - Nobody cares, buddy.
各位觀眾，我現在要做搞笑的蘋果醬 Now, ladies and gentlemen, I will attempt to make comedy applesauce.
噴到你們的話很抱歉 I'm sorry if I hit you.
謝謝合作，你們是好觀眾 Thank you very much. You've been a great audience.
你好爛 You suck!
給安迪一點掌聲，好嗎？ Hey, give it up for Andy, huh?
他的表演很精彩 He was great!
- 嘿 - 嗨 - Hey there. - Hi.
你是那天正在過馬路的那位小姐 Oh! Hi! You're from the other night, crossing the street!
- 對，那就是我 - 你的脖子還好嗎？ - Yeah, that would be me. - How are you? How's your neck?
- 沒事了 - 頭部的傷勢呢？ - It's fine. - Yeah? Bludgeoned head?
- 好些了 - 你的刀傷呢？ - Better. - Stab wounds?
- 正在癒合中 - 被砍傷的大腿？ - Healing. - And that mangled leg?
比以前好多了 Actually, it's better than before.
現在還可以這樣 I can do this now.
我很遺憾 Oh! Oh, I'm- I'm sorry.
我知道顏色不搭，但店家只有白色和黑色 I know it's not a good color match. They only had white or black.
我選了白色，這樣我算是種族主義者嗎？ I chose white. Does that make me racist?
- 當然不算 - 謝謝 - No, absolutely - Thanks!
- 你的表演好搞笑 - 喔，拜託 - You were really funny up there. - Oh, please.
- 你很搞笑，我剛才在心裏面狂笑 - 非常謝謝你 - You were hilarious. I was laughing on the inside. - Thank you very much.
我只是想說...你做得很好 Okay, well, I just- Good job!
- 你想跟我約會嗎？ - 好啊，今晚嗎？ - Do you wanna go out sometime? - I'd love to. Tonight?
今晚？好啊 Tonight? Yeah.
- 沒問題 - 太好了。約會過後再上床吧 - Sure. Absolutely. - Great. Maybe we'll have some sex after.
你說什麼？ Excuse me?
什麼？ What?
我的意思是...你剛才...你剛才有說什麼嗎？ I mean- What- What- You said- What did you
- 我沒有說什麼 - 好吧 - I didn't say anything. - Okay.
給我你的電郵地址吧，這樣我就能告訴你你要到哪裏接我 So send me your e-mail address. I can tell you where I live and you can pick me up.
我們用簡訊交換號碼，我回電後，你再用簡訊傳地址給我 Maybe you should text me, then I'll call you and you can text me your address.
一定要這樣嗎？ 不然我也可以用Twitter告訴你我的Facebook Is there an app for that? If not, why don't I just Twitter you my Facebook page...
你可以在我的塗鴉牆上留下電話，我再用語音信箱留下地址 and then you can wall-to-wall me your number, I'll call and leave my address on your voice mail.
還是我用即時通告訴你我的MySpace，你在那可以留下你的 It might be better if I I. M. you my MySpace page, then you can leave me your address there...
我再發日誌留我電話 或者等我給你還剩的免費通話時間，你可以打給我 I'll blog my cell phone on it, you can call me when I give you my T-Mobile rollover minutes...
這樣我們就能免費通話，你可以直接告訴我你的地址 put you on my fave five- that way you can give it to me live over the phone.
- 你會讓我成為你的五大聯絡人？ - 當然 - You'd put me in your fave five? - Oh, yeah. Sure.
請等我一下 Oh, excuse me one second.
- 好 - 嗯 - Oh, yeah. - Okay.
喂，嗨 Hello? Oh, hi.
是，當然啦，這是個好消息，我會的 Yes. Yes, I am. Of course. That's great news. Yeah, I will.
謝謝，好，再見 Thank you! Okay, bye.
我半年前在夏威夷應徵一份工作，剛才的電話說我被錄取了 I applied for this job in Hawaii six months ago, and I just found out I got it!
- 天啊，那太好了，太棒了 - 我好興奮喔 - Oh, my God! That's great! That's awesome! - I'm so excited!
- 但我今晚就要走了 - 今晚？ - But I have to leave tonight. - Tonight?
- 是啊 - 好吧 - Yeah. - Oh. Okay.
- 抱歉晚餐和上床都沒機會了 - 不，工作要緊 - I'm sorry about dinner and sex. - Listen, work is work.
謝謝你的諒解 Thank you for understanding.
不客氣 Yeah, sure. No problem.
- 噢，好的 - 恭喜，真是太好了 - Oh! Okay. - Congratulations. That's great.
- 再見，抱我一下吧 - 好 - Okay, bye! Give me a hug. - Okay.
天啊，你忘了帶走你的腳 Um, oh, my God. You forgot your, um, leg.
你怎麼會不知道地址？ How do you not have an address?
你是聯絡人耶 This is your freakin' contact.
別再罵我了，我很抱歉 那個笨蛋還騙我說我們可能會被抓走 Stop riding me. I'm sorry. That dipshit fucked me up with the whole getting arrested thing.
我們會找到的，別擔心 We'll find it. No worries.
等一下 Wait!
那是什麼聲音？ What the hell is that?
聽起來像是「蟑螂歌」 Sounds like "La Cucaracha. "
- 天啊 - 趕快逃啊 - Holy fucking shit! - Let's get the fuck outta here!
慘啦，羅伯湯瑪斯？ Oh, shit! Rob Thomas?
- 快上車 - 什麼？ - Get in the car. - What?
快上車 Get in the car!
好吧 Okay.
這是常有的事 This shit happens all the time, man!
女人總是這樣難搞 Girls just be doin' that shit, and it's fucked up!
是啊，不過這件只是小事 Oh, yeah, dude. That shit doesn't even matter. All right?
因為你今晚將會擺脫處男的身份 'Cause tonight you're gonna fuckin' lay down the hammer, fucker.
我不懂你在說什麼，一點兒沒用 I don't know what that means and it's not helpful.
我只希望自己能夠認識一個樸實又正常的人 I just wanna meet somebody for once who's down to earth and just a normal person.
這故事真是特別啊 What they have is special.
我可以叫你諾亞嗎？ Can I call you Noah?
你哪根筋不對？ What is wrong with you?
竟然把自己變成一副女人的樣子 You're turning into a real, certified bitch!
現在又哭 著看《深情日記》 Now you cryin' over The Notebook?
還把自己的咪咪搞大 Got these things right here.
- 噢 - 這是...奶頭 - Ow. - These... tits.
該死，摸起來真爽啊 Damn, those feel kinda- those feel kinda good.
你們這幾個人真噁心 Okay, you know what? You guys are disgusting.
我受夠了，我要去喝一杯秀蘭鄧波兒 I'm going to get a Shirley Temple.
- 嗨 - 你真可愛 - Hi! - You're cute.
- 帥哥，你貴姓大名？ - 我名叫安迪，嗨 - What's your name? - I'm Andy. Hi.
安迪，每週四晚，我們兩姊妹都會在酒吧找個人上床 Well, Andy, every Thursday night my sister and I randomly pick someone from the bar to have sex with.
今晚我們選中你了 And tonight we choose you!
恭喜 Congratulations!
- 安迪，你喜歡搞3P嗎？ - 一晚高潮五或六次？ - You like 3P, Andy? - Five or six times a night?
還是說你比較喜歡雙人接力賽？ How about double Dutch expressways? You enjoy those?
- 果醬甜甜圈？ - 烏克蘭爆米花？ - Jelly doughnut? - Ukrainian popcorn?
口交？ Mouth fucking?
兩位不介意的話，我想失陪一下 Would you excuse me a second, or a moment, if you don't mind?
好好考慮吧 Think about it!
不好意思 Um, excuse me.
麻煩你 Excuse me?
不好意思 Excuse me.
我為什麼不能成為眾人矚目的焦點呢？ Why can't I be the center of attention?
他曾經跟重達345磅的女人做愛 He once had sex with a 345-pound woman...
只為了幫助她做運動 just to help her get some exercise.
他的大便聞起來像經過四十天熟成的肋眼牛排 His craps smell like a 40-day aged bone-in rib eye.
他對自己的雄風很有自信 He's so secure with his masculinity...
不介意小便時的偷窺狂 that he doesn't mind urinal peekers.
他是這世上最有意思的男人 He is the most interesting man in the world.
我不會經常跟胖女人做愛 I don't always fuck fat bitches...
但每當我這樣做的時候，我都會選擇喝... but when I do I prefer to be plastered on
隨時保持飢渴，朋友們 Stay thirsty, my friends.
需要什麼？嘿 Can I help you? Hey.
- 你需要什麼？ - 啊？ - Can I help you? - Huh?
- 你想要喝什麼？ - 對不起 - To drink. What do you want to drink? - Sorry.
給我一杯秀蘭鄧波兒 May I have a Shirley Temple, please?
那是我最愛的飲料 That's my favorite drink.
我也是 Mine too.
這是命運的安排 This is fate.
我也這麼認為，我叫莎拉 I think so. I'm Sarah.
抱歉，我叫安迪 Oh! Sorry. I'm Andy.
抱歉 Sorry.
- 那很... - 可愛？ - That was - Cute?
是啊，很大聲 Yeah. Loud.
你是說《秘密檔案》？名人偷拍秀？ So, MTZ, the paparazzi show?
對，這份工作我已經做兩年了，今天剛升職 Yeah, I've been working there for two years and just got my promotion today.
- 太棒了，恭喜你 - 謝謝 - That's so cool. Congratulations. - Oh, thank you!
- 我真的好興奮 - 真是太好了 - I'm so excited! - That's really neat.
嗨，那邊的男生們請你喝的 Hey-hey-hey! Compliments of the boys!
其實我不會喝酒 You know, actually, I don't drink.
我曾經喝過一小口，但僅此而已 I sipped some wine once, but that was it.
- 不喝也沒關係 - 不行 - Oh, that's fine. - No.
快喝吧，喝一杯無傷大雅的 Come on, girl. One shot ain't gonna hurt you.
你喝我就陪你喝 I will if you do.
- 好吧 - 乾杯 - Okay! - Okay. Cheers.
難喝死了 Oh! That was horrible.
我搞錯了，那是我的精液，來，嘗嘗這杯吧 Oh! My bad, girl. That was my genetic sample. Here, try this one.
我不確定是否喜歡，可以再喝一杯嗎？ I'm not sure if I liked that one. Can I try another one?
你知道嗎？ Um, you know- you know what?
喝太快的話很容易會醉 That's a lot of booze... to have... quickly.
喔啊 Whoo!
莎拉！莎拉！莎拉！莎拉！ Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
耶 Yeah!
# Drunk girl Gettin' up her fun now #
# It's cool All of her friends around #
# Drunk girl, drunk girl #
# Drunk girl Oh, my God, embarrassing #
# No way This is not happening #
# Drunk girl, drunk girl #
# Drunk girl #
# The time is now #
# You say don't stop #
# That you're super loud #
# Drunk girl Can't believe the things I did ##
你喝了酒不該開車吧 Um, do you think that you should be driving?
這不是我能控制的 Oh, I can't help it.
- 我的陰道有自己的想法 - 噢 - My vagina has a mind of its own. - Oh.
天啊，真是太奇怪了 Oh, my God. Okay, yep. That's weird.
安迪，我喜歡你 I like you, Andy.
- 我也喜歡你 - 我非常喜歡你 - I like you too. - I like you a lot.
或許我們應該... Okay, we should maybe- Let's
不，這是...我來幫你找一些... Okay, no, that's, um- We have to get you some
這樣應該足夠讓我表現了 Oh, that could have done the trick.
- 我現在就蹲下去為你服務 - 什麼？這應該不是個... - I'm gonna go down on you now. Okay? - What? I don't think that's
天啊，拜託不要 Oh, God, no! Please!
感覺好熱啊 Oh, my God, that's so warm.
天啊，我真的很抱歉 Oh, my God, I am, like, so sorry
不要啊，求求你 No! No! No, please!
安迪！安迪！ Andy! Andy!
我在這裏 Aah! Aah! I'm right here!
- 我在這裏 - 謝天謝地 - I'm here! - Oh, God. Thank goodness.
我還以為你被淹死了 I thought that I lost you.
拜託你別再吐了，我不擅長游泳 Can you stop throwing up, please? I'm not a very strong swimmer.
我已經吐完了 I think that I'm done.
我剛才小便了，尿液好溫暖啊 Oh, I just peed. It's so warm.
天啊，你要進來嗎？ Oh, my God. Do you want to come in?
- 好啊 - 好 - Oh, I'd like that. - Okay.
各位，這位是麥可 Everyone, meet Michael.
真高興你來了，麥可 We're glad you're here, Michael.
我們正需要一位裁判 We need an umpire.
為什麼要我當裁判？ What am I gonna be an umpire for?
- 愛德華，你沒告訴他？ - 我正想說 - Edward, you didn't tell him? - I was getting to that.
我們只能在刮暴風雨的時候才可以玩這個遊戲 Let's just say it's something we can only play during thunderstorms.
好 Okay.
什麼遊戲？ What is it?
我們都患有乳糖不耐癥 We're all lactose intolerant.
對不起 Sorry.
- 嘿 - 天啊，你嚇我一大跳 - Hey there. - Holy shit! You scared me.
我很抱歉，你沒事吧 My apologies. Are you okay?
對不起，剛才有一群墨西哥人無緣無故追著我跑 I'm sorry. I was being chased by a bunch of Mexicans for no reason.
其實我只是想買酒，好讓我能跟全校最辣的正妹上床 AII I'm trying to do is get some alcohol so I can have sex with the hottest chick in school.
我想我可以幫你 I think I can help you out.
- 真的？ - 沒錯，你看到那邊有一間房子嗎？ - Really? - Yeah. You see that house over there?
他們會贈送免費的酒 They're practically giving away free booze!
- 你找麗莎就行了 - 真的？ - Just ask for Lisa. - Seriously?
騙你的話我就沒命 If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
來，拿著這個袋子 Here, take this bag.
怎麼可以空手去參加派對呢 Never want to go to a party empty-handed.
餅乾，還有保險套？ Cookies? And condoms?
這兩樣永遠不嫌多，對吧 You can never have enough of either, right?
- 我同意 - 快去拿酒吧 - Agreed. - Now go get your alcohol.
謝啦，你是個大好人 Thanks, man. You're an awesome dude.
我的確是 Yes, I am.
哈囉？ Hello?
有人在嗎？ Is anyone home?
請進，我替你準備了飲料 Come on in. I made you a drink.
請自便 Just help yourself.
好酷啊，謝謝 Cool! Thanks!
- 贊啊 - 嘿 - Sweet! - Hey there.
嘿，老兄 Oh. Hey, bro.
你不就是那齣電視劇裏專門抓性侵犯的那個主角？ Dude, aren't you that guy from the show that catches the molesters?
- 那正是我 - 那齣戲真精彩 - That would be me. - That show's so fuckin' awesome!
你演得很好 You're great on that!
記得其中一集有個牧師想掩飾自己的罪行嗎？ Remember that one with the priest and he was trying to weasel his way out of it...
但最後你用來自 未成年少女的電郵將他定罪 but you ended up nailing him with the e-mails from the underage girls.
正當他想逃跑時，在前院被壯碩的警察給撞上了 Once he hightailed it and hit the front yard, he got hit by Shawne Merriman-looking cops.
- 我記得 - 那場戲超精彩的 - I do. - That was so fuckin' awesome!
你怎會在這裏？難道這是你家？ What are you doing here? Is this your house or something?
不，其實我正在錄節目 Uh, no. I'm actually taping the show.
真的？在這裏？好棒啊，我可以看嗎？ Really? Here? That's awesome. Can I watch?
- 你已經在看了 - 什麼？ - It looks like you already are. - What?
袋子裏有什麼？ What's in the bag?
什麼？這是你剛才給我的。餅乾和保險套 What? Just the stuff you gave me. Just... cookies and condoms.
- 我沒有給過你任何東西 - 啊？ - I didn't give you anything. - Huh?
你今晚過來這裏的動機是什麼？ What did you think was gonna happen by coming over here tonight?
我不是性侵犯 Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not a molester.
我會來這裏完全是因為你告訴我這裏有免費的酒 The only reason I'm here is because you told me there'd be alcohol here.
- 你叫我過來找麗莎 - 真的？ - You said to ask for Lisa! - Really?
所以你並沒有要跟未成年少女性交的企圖 So you had no intention of having sex with an underage minor.
什麼？當然沒有。我聽不懂你在說什麼 Wha- No! I-I-I don't know what you're talking about!
你不記得你說過這段話？ So you don't remember saying this?
我要在你的屁股上塗滿楓糖漿 I wanna spread your butt cheeks with real maple syrup...
把巧克力餅乾放進你的肛門，再把它吃掉 and then eat chocolate chips out of your cornhole.
什麼？我沒說過！天啊，我對巧克力餅幹過敏 What? Cor- No! I'm allergic to chocolate chips, for Christ's sakes!
而且我最討厭楓糖漿的味道了 And I don't even like real maple syrup.
我不知道這是怎麼一回事 I don't know what's going on.
- 你從實招來的話，事情會簡單得多 - 我說的是真話 - You could make things easier if you'd just tell us the truth. - I am telling the truth.
我不認識這個女孩 I don't know who this girl is.
我只是想拿到酒，好讓我能跟全校最辣的正妹上床 I'm just trying to get alcohol so I can have sex with the hottest girl in school.
- 真的？ - 只是這樣而已 - Really? - That's all!
糟了 Oh, fuck.
等一下，先生，我想跟你談一談 Hold on. Wait. I wanna talk to you. Sir?
我該怎麼辦？ What am I gonna do?
放開我，我不是性侵犯，你這個笨蛋 I'm not a molester, you fucking dickhead!
來吧 Here we go.
- 嗯 - 讓我來幫你 - Mm-hmm. ## - Get a little of this debris...
把臉擦乾淨 off your face.
你為什麼對我這麼好？ Why are you being so nice to me? Hmm?
我不知道，可能是因為你沒有拒絕我吧 I don't know. I guess 'cause you're letting me.
好了，不... Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- 你要先喝一點這個 - 我要你 - You gotta drink some of that. - Oh, I want you.
不管事 「漂白劑」 Not working. Ahh!
啊~噢 Ahh. Ohh.
啊 Aaah!
先閉上嘴巴，讓它在口腔內停留一下子 Yeah, that's it. Let that sit on your tongue for a second.
那只是殺菌劑 That's just an antibacterial. Okay.
我想吞下更令人舒服的東西 I'm gonna slip into something more comfortable.
- 好嗎？我到臥房等你 - 好吧 - Okay? I'll meet you in the bedroom. - Okay.
好 Okay.
不 Ohh! No!
不，天啊 No! Oh, my God.
賤貨，你想上床嗎？ You wanna lay down some pipe, bitch?
可不可以...等我一下子？我馬上回來 Um, can you just- Could you give me a minute? I'll be
膽小鬼 Pussy!
贊啊！好爽啊 Oh, yeah! Oww! Oh! Oh, yeah!
喔，我的天啊 Okay. Oh, Jesus
- 嘿 - 嘿，嘿！ - Okay. Hey. - Hey. Hey.
- 對不起 - 我正在搞這個玩意 - Sorry. - I was just screwing this warm pie right here.
- 聽說它跟真人的感覺很像 - 太棒了 - I heard it feels like the real thing. - That's cool.
- 十六歲是性慾很強的年紀 - 是啊 - You know, 16's a real horny age, man. - Yes
- 你有什麼事嗎？ - 哦 - So, uh, what- what you doin'? - Whoa.
沒什麼，很抱歉打斷你了 Nothing. I- I'm sorry to interrupt you.
莎拉在房間內，她把自己綁在床上了。她想跟我上床 Sarah's in the other room. She's tied to the bed. She wants to have sex with me.
- 該死 - 我不知道該怎麼辦 - Oh, shit! - I don't know what to do.
- 你說真的？ - 沒錯 - Are you serious? - Yes.
天啊，這是你的重要時刻 My man! This is the big moment!
- 你即將要... - 你們兩個自私鬼 - It's about to go down! - You inconsiderate pricks.
小聲一點好嗎？ Will you please keep it down?
我現在頭痛得要命 I have such a massive headache.
對不起，只是這件事太令人興奮了 Sorry, brother. It's just, you know, so exciting.
我們這位朋友將要破處了 Our boy's about to get laid!
- 是啊 - 老兄，你正在流血 - Yeah. - Brother, you bleedin'?
什麼？ What
這種大麻的確有副作用 Oh! There are side effects to this weed!
該死！誰有多餘的衛生棉嗎？ Damn! Anyone have an extra tampon?
- 最好是加長型的 - 我沒有 - Preferably super-wide? - No.
你要在她不省人事之前回房 You need to get your ass back in there before she passes out.
- 萬一我出錯了怎麼辦？ - 出錯？ - I know. But what if I do it wrong? - Do it wrong?
你只要把你的小弟弟塞進她的陰道就行了 All you doin' is stickin' your dick in her coochie!
不可能會出錯的 There's no wrong way of doing that!
不過有一次我把我的小弟弟塞進了娜歐蜜透納的貓咪體內 Well, there was this one time I stuck my thing in Naomi Turner's cat.
當時房間很暗，我們兩人在雙人床上擠成一團 It was dark in there, we was huddled up in a twin bed...
貓咪偷偷溜進被窩，睡在我們中間 and the cat just snuck up in between the sheets.
那種感覺就像是...你知道嗎？ It just felt like- Hey! You know? Uhh!
- 我們都是受造之物，對吧 - 沒錯 - We all's the Lord's creatures, right? - Yes.
快點進房，好好大幹一場吧 Man, just get your white ass in there and get to fuckin'!
- 大幹一場 - 大幹一場吧 - Get to fuckin'! - Let's do some fucking.
- 大幹一場 - 沒那麼難，大家都會的 - Just do some fuckin'! - It can't be that hard. Everybody does it.
- 好，我要大幹一場 - 大幹一場 - Okay, I'm gonna do some fucking! - Fuck-Fuckin'!
我做不到，做不到 I can't. I can't, I can't.
我做不到，我幹不了這檔事 I can't do it. I can't do some fuckin'.
我不知道自己哪裏不對勁了 I'm- I don't know what's wrong with me.
我已經四十歲，而我卻...我從來沒有跟女人上過床 I'm 40, and I'm- I'm- I'm never gonna be with a woman.
我就是不會 I'm just not.
你一直這樣畏畏縮縮的，當然幹不了 Not with that sniveling attitude, you won't!
- 塞斯，你怎麼了？ - 閉嘴 - Seth, what are you doing? - Shut up!
我要出來... I'm going out.
出來喝奶昔 Out to get a milk shake.
奶昔？ A milk shake?
沒錯 Yes, boy!
你看吧，我... You see, I...
有奶昔 have a milk shake...
而你也有奶昔 and you have a milk shake.
但我有吸管 But I have a straw.
你看到了嗎？很好，你要盯緊看喔 You see? Huh? There it is. Watching!
我的吸管要伸過來 My straw reaches...
穿過房間 across the room...
插進你的奶昔了 and into your milk shake.
我看不懂你在幹嘛 I don't understand what you're doing.
如果你是想用比喻的話，我實在... - Okay, if you're doing a metaphor, I don't really
我的奶昔... My milk shake...
把男孩全都... brings all the boys...
吸引過來了 to the yard.
沒錯，我的比你的好喝多了 Damn right it's better than yours!
沒錯 Damn right.
我要喝你的奶昔 I drink your milk shake!
我要把它喝光 I drink it up!
我根本搞不懂，真是太奇怪了 I don't even know what that means. That's so weird.
安迪，沒有人會對處男有興趣的 No one wants a virgin boy, Andy.
嘿，不要...你幹嘛？不要這樣，冷靜點 Hey! Don't- What are you What are you- Don't do that! Calm down!
我不會冷靜下來的 I will not calm down!
- 我不會冷靜下來的 - 住手！塞斯，住手 - I will not calm down! - Stop it! Seth, stop it!
住手 Stop it!
快點停止 Just stop it.
我很抱歉，老兄，我吸了大麻之後太過興奮了 Dude, I'm so sorry, man. I'm so fuckin' high right now.
聽著，聽著 Uh, look, look.
你的下面已經裝滿精液了 You got an ocean of cum under there, all right?
只有你能夠把它釋放出來 The only person that's gonna be able to get to it is you...
你要利用你的小弟弟來達成目的 and you gotta use your cock to do that.
- 我懂了，請你不要再... - 什麼？ - Okay, I get it. Please don't, you know - Okay?
- 你做得到的 - 我應該做得到 - You can do it. - I know. I feel like I can do it
- 不，你一定行的 - 我應該做得到的，我只要放膽去做就行了 - No, you can do it! - I feel like I can do it. I just need to do it.
- 對，你一定行的 - 我的想法改變了，我做得到的，對吧 - Then go do it already! - My mind is changing, and I can do this, can't I?
- 那就快去做啊 - 我知道我行的，我已經... - Yes, you can do this! - I know I can! You know what?
厭倦了... I am sick
我脫光了 I'm naked!
哇，真的好雄偉喔 Wow, he is beautiful.
- 安迪，你好棒喔 - 繼續瘋狂做愛吧 - Oh, Andy, you're so good! - Bang that shit up!
- 你在幹嘛？ - 安迪，你好棒喔 - What the fuck are you doing? - Oh, Andy, you're so good!
- 快點滾開 - 喔，安迪 - Get off of her! - Andy! Oh!
- 快點滾開 - 不要停啊 - Get off of her. - Don't stop! Oh!
爽啊 Oh, yeah!
- 滾開 - 繼續啊 - Get off! - More! More!
你去哪裏了？ Where'd you go?
- 混蛋 - 滾開 - Son of a bitch! - Get off!
寶貝，你在幹嘛？ What are you doing, baby?
耶 Yeah.
我喜歡這種叫聲 Oh, I like that sound.
我喘不過氣了 Oh! I can't breathe!
你這個混蛋 Ah! You son of a
慘啦 Oh, shit.
那份卷餅肯定有問題 Oh, that burrito definitely was the meat.
我快要拉出來了，天啊！快點靠邊停，我感覺不舒服 I'm crowning. Oh, my God. Guys, we gotta pull over here. I don't feel too good.
警官？ Guys?
你們兩個混蛋 You fucking assholes!
否則我就要在你們的車上拉屎了 Pull this shit over before I shit all over your fucking Corinthian leather!
糟了，小心啊 Oh, shit! Look out!
該死的，我的天啊 Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
我很快就會回來 Uh- This won't take long.
天啊 Ah! My God!
搞什麼？ What the fuck!
裏面有人嗎？ What the f- Is someone in there?
有人嗎？天啊 Hello! Oh, God!
我快要拉在褲子上了 I'm gonna shit my fucking pants.
我快要拉在褲子上了！天啊，什麼？ I'm gonna shit my fucking pants. Oh, my God. What?
現在聽得見嗎？很好 Can you hear me now? Good.
天啊 Oh, my God.
真該死 Oh, fuck.
搞什麼？該死的馬桶呢？ What the fuck? Where's the fucking toilet?
天啊，太噁心了 Oh, my God. That's disgusting.
天啊，我快要拉出來了 Oh, God! I gotta go! Oh, fuck.
天啊，真爽啊 Oh, God. Yeah. Fuck.
嗯？ Huh?
「葛屁和幼齒」
- 小子，你在哪裏？ - 我快好了 - Yo, where are you, white boy? - I'm almost done.
聽好了，全是因為你，這些墨西哥人才會追殺我們的 Listen, it's because of you these Mexicans are trying to kill us!
- 什麼？ - 快點 - Huh? - Come on!
什麼？搞什麼？ What? What the fuck?
天啊 Oh, my God.
天啊，我不想這麼做，我不要 Oh, God. I don't want to do it! I can't do it!
我豁出去了 Fuck it! Oh, God.
- 好，我回來了 - 回來得正是時候，小子 - Okay! I'm here. Let's go. - Well, it's about goddamn time, white boy.
哪來的屎臭味？ What the fuck is that smell?
我不知道 I don't fuckin' know, dude.
- 走吧 - 快點開車 - Let's go, dude! - Come on, let's go, Beat.
莎拉，嗨 Sarah. Hi!
嗨 Hi.
就這樣而已？你沒注意到什麼特別的嗎？ That's it? You don't- You don't notice anything?
噢，嗯 Oh, um
你買了新的夾腳拖鞋？ Did you- You got new flip-flops?
- 呃，不是這個 - 踝關節腫脹？ - Uh, not the flip-flops. - Ankles swollen?
- 再高一點 - 你的膝蓋好像變胖了一點 - Higher. - Oh, you carry a little weight in your knees.
再高一點 Higher.
天啊！我知道了，你的肚臍是凸出來的 Oh, my God. Aha! Of course. You have an outie.
我之前都沒有注意到 I never even realized you had an outie.
你昨晚上我的時候也沒有發現？ Not even when you were bangin' me last night?
沒有，不是...我昨晚沒有上過你 Nope? Okay. So, no, I wasn't- I didn't bang you last night.
你當然沒有上過我 Of course you didn't bang me.
你只是像拳王擊打沙包一樣，一直用力插我 You just had your dick pounding my liver like Floyd May weather's punching bag...
現在我懷孕了 and now I'm pregnant!
- 糟糕，你懷孕了？ - 當然，賓果 - Oh, shit. You're pregnant? - Oh, bingo!
- 你中大獎了 - 小心你的肚子 - Give the man a fuckin' prize! - Be careful with that.
我沒有...沒錯，你的肚子確實變大了 I don't, um- That's- Yeah, you are. You're very pregnant.
- 我只是搞不懂，怎麼會一天之內就變這麼大 - 我有一半墨西哥人的血統 - I'm just wondering how that happened in a day. - I'm part of half Mexican.
真的？ Really?
安迪，你知道像你這樣... Andy, do you know how hard it is...
一個就能抵得上五個的男人，有多難找嗎？ to find a guy who can make you feel like you're getting nailed by five guys?
不，我不知道那有多困難 Mmm. No, I don't- I don't know how hard that would be...
但這個寶寶不是我的 but that's not my baby.
天啊，當然是 Oh, God. Of course.
你果然是不負責任的中年男人 Typical response from an irresponsible, middle-aged guy...
而且又跟一群好色的年輕人同住 who lives with a bunch of sex-crazed teenagers!
拜託！我的朋友不是好色的年輕人 Okay. Come on. My friends are not sex-crazed teenagers.
雖然他正在撫摸甚至是玩弄你的咪咪 Okay, yeah. He's cupping and maybe juggling your breasts a little bit.
聽我說...你介意迴避一下嗎？ Look- Do you mind?
真掃興 Oh, awkward.
謝謝 Thank you.
我以為你有戴保險套 I thought you were wearing a condom.
我沒有戴保險套，因為我根本沒有跟你上過床 No, I wasn't wearing a condom because I didn't have sex with you.
若你不願意接納這個孩子 If you don't accept this child...
我會把你踢到密西根州佛林特 I am gonna go so Flint, Michigan on you...
這樣你就會陷入經濟拮据的窘境 that you are gonna go into a deep economic depression...
受汽車工業沒落所害 caused by the demise of the auto industry.
然後就會有個胖子替你拍紀錄片 Then some fat guy's gonna do a documentary on you!
我根本聽不懂 I don't understand what that means.
如果你還是不肯認帳的話 If that doesn't work
這個寶寶就要受苦了 then this baby is gonna suffer!
- 只不過是個寶寶而已...不要抽煙 - 可能會導致先天缺陷 - It's just a baby, so- Don't smoke that. - May cause severe birth defects.
別耍這種老把戲，拜託你不要這樣 That's very 1970s. Don't do that, please.
- 你還是不認這個寶寶？ - 不，那是... - Still not your baby? - No, that's
- 你希望寶寶的肺部發育不良嗎？ - 我不希望 - Wanna go for underdeveloped lung capacity? - I don't want to go for that.
而且這是違法的，拜託你... It's illegal also, so please don't
我知道你很生氣，但不要喝了 Okay. I know you're upset, so please don't drink that...
這樣會害寶寶無家可歸 because that's how you make a baby homeless and- Oh!
不要這樣，媽咪 Mommy, Mommy! No, Mommy!
我們結束了，安迪，玩完了 We're done, Andy. It's over, jerk-off.
莎拉，莎拉，別這樣 Sarah. Sarah! Come on!
我以為我們是有感情的，我曾經讓你往我嘴裏嘔吐呢 I thought we had something! I mean, I let you throw up in my mouth!
噢 Oh!
嘿，你沒必要這麼難過 Hey, come on, Biscuit!
她只不過是個賤貨 You're talkin' 'bout a hood rat.
她只是你的練習對像 - 「秘密檔案」 Hey, she's just for practice, you know?
你不可以對那種人付出真感情 You can't get all emotionally involved all up in that shit.
我不知道，我只是很想暫時離開一下 I don't know, Blaqguy. I just feel like I need to get out of here...
重新充電，出去度個假 recharge my batteries, go on vacation.
但我不知道該去哪裏才好 But I don't- I don't know where to go!
莎拉馬歇被人發現與英國當紅搖滾巨星艾多斯布萊特 Sarah Marshall was found canoodling with British rock sensation Aldous Bright...
在夏威夷的茂宜島當眾親熱 in Maui, Hawaii.
這對情侶似乎非常恩愛，甚至不顧其他人的眼光當眾炒飯 The couple seemed very much in love as they frolicked about without a care in the world.
這個季節哪裏比較溫暖？ What's warm this time of year?
茂宜島是許多名人最喜愛的旅遊勝地 Maui, which is a favorite hot spot for many celebrities...
似乎也是艾多斯的首選目的地 seems to be the place of choice for Aldous...
因為過去幾個月，他已經帶過好幾位情人到此一遊 as we've seen him with multiple love interests just in the past few months.
- 澳洲好嗎？ - 茂宜島... - Maybe Australia? - Maui
- 不，太遠了 - 是最溫暖且距離最近的熱帶度假勝地 - No, that's too far. - is one of the warmest and closest of the tropic getaways.
- 墨西哥呢？ - 白癡，你是聾子嗎？ - How 'bout Mexico? - Fuck face, are you deaf?
你的賤貨正跟別的男人在茂宜島度假 Your whore is here in Maui with another guy.
我之前累積了不少哩程數，但我還拿不定主意 I have frequent flyer miles, but I- I don't know.
混蛋，難怪你還是處男，你很豬頭耶 Hey, asshole! No wonder you're a virgin. You're a fucking retard.
- 把電視開大聲一點 - 你覺得茂宜島怎樣？ - Turn the TV up. - Hey, you know what? How 'bout Maui?
好啊，茂宜島，好主意 Oh, ha, ha! Hey, Maui. Good call.
只要遠離所有跟莎拉有關的事物，你馬上就能忘記她了 You'd be so far removed from anything Sarah, you'll get over her ass in no time.
沒錯 Yeah. Yeah.
「藍斑馬，成人夜總會」
休想逃跑，你這個死變態 Don't move, you sick fuck.
笨蛋，我這樣還能逃去哪裏？ Where am I supposed to go, you fucking dickheads?
曼蒂，不要磕光所有的藥 Hey, Mandy, quit takin' up all the drugs.
好 Yeah.
搞什麼？天啊 What the fuck? Holy shit!
麥擱愛 McAnalovin!
麥擱愛！麥擱愛！ McAnalovin! McAnalovin!
麥擱愛！ McAnalovin!
不要亂動 Hold on there, bitch.
- 讓我上車 - 天啊 - Let me in! - Holy shit!
麥擱愛，快讓我上車 McAnalovin! Let me in the fuckin' car!
天啊，喬納 Dude! Jonah!
- 快讓他上車 - 你的朋友就是我們的朋友 - Let him in the car, dude. - Any friend of yours is one of ours.
- 上車吧，胖小子 - 嗨，寶貝 - Get on in, fat white boy! - Hi, baby!
我的天啊，你竟然弄到啤酒了 Holy fuckin' shit! You got fuckin' beer!
- 還真弄到了 - 當然，我可是麥擱愛耶 - You got the fuckin' beer! - Of course I did. I'm McAnalovin!
- 太贊啦 - 嘰喀嘰喀耶 - Fuckin' in credible! - Chicka-chicka-yeah!
而且車上還有大咪咪，我的天啊 And you got fuckin' tits in your car! Holy fucking shit!
- 耶 - 喔 - Yeah! - Whoo!
「阿囉哈」
「阿囉哈接駁車」
- 嗨 - 你好 - Hi. - Aloha.
噢 Oh.
嗨，我是安迪史賓塞，我要辦理入住登記 Hi. I'm Andy Spitzer. I'm checking in.
史賓塞先生，你好，我們為你保留了一間經濟房 Oh, Mr. Spitzer. Hello! We have you in one of our econo rooms.
太好了，一晚五十元，對吧 Great. Yeah. That's $50 a night?
五十元，沒錯 Fifty dollars. Of course.
另外再加百分之八的州稅，百分之七的城市稅 Then there's an eight percent state tax, a seven percent city tax...
百分之十二的機場稅，三成二的刺激經濟稅和停車費 a 12% airport tax, a 32% stimulus tax and, of course, the valet fee.
停車費？不，我沒有開車 Oh, valet. No, I didn't drive, so
- 每位房客都要付停車費的，這是標準收費 - 標準收費？ - Everyone pays the valet fee. It's standard. - Standard?
你一晚的住宿費用總共是485元 The grand total on your room will come to $485 per night.
除了枕頭上的薄荷之外，食物都要另外付費 Food is extra except the mint on your pillow at turndown.
485元？太離譜了 $485? That's... ridiculous.
- 那是上等的薄荷 - 我知道 - It's a very good mint. - I know. I-I
麻煩你，我想跟經理談一談 I'd like to speak to a manager, please.
經理請到前台...經理請到前台... Manager to the front desk. Manager to the front desk.
一線有一個小氣鬼，一線有個小氣鬼 We have a cheap bitch in line one. Cheap bitch in line one.
如果他不是小氣鬼，那就肯定是窮光蛋 If he's not a cheap bitch, he's a broke-ass motherfucker.
一線有一個小氣鬼兼窮光蛋 Cheap bitch broke-ass motherfucker in line one!
- 你能不能... - 閉嘴，我要休息了 - Okay. Can you - Uh-uh. Piehole, I'm goin' on break.
- 安迪 - 金 - Andy? - Kim.
- 你怎會在這裏？ - 我來這度假，這真是太...哇 - What are you doing here? - I needed a vacation. This is so- Wow.
太巧了，我在這裏工作，我可以讓你免費住宿 This is crazy. Well, I work here. I'm gonna hook you up.
我讓你住總統套房吧 I'm gonna give you the presidential suite.
好，謝謝你，你真是個大好人 Oh, okay. Thank you. That's so nice of you.
- 但我有一個條件 - 說吧 - Under one condition. - Okay.
你要跟我約會，彌補我上周錯失的機會 You take me on that date we were supposed to go on last week.
一言為定，沒問題。今晚嗎？ Deal. I'd love to. Okay. T-Tonight?
- 今晚八點？ - 好的，八點沒問題 - At 8:00 p. m.? - 8:00 p. m.'s great.
好的 Okay.
好，真謝謝你 Okay. So, thank you so much.
再見，我的腳裝上去了，這次我沒有忘記它 Bye! I have my leg on. I didn't forget it this time.
如果你再不開門，我就會叫經理過來 If you don't open this door, asshole, I am gonna get the manager...
請他把你這個低賤的酒鬼趕走，你這個無賴 and have him throw your drunk, lowlife ass out on the street, you prick!
莎拉 Sarah?
孩子他爸 Oh! My baby daddy.
這真是太奇妙了，我來這裏度假 This is weird. Um, I came here on vacation...
我朋友替我安排了這個房間 and my friend gave me this room.
- 真是奇妙 - 一點也不奇妙 - This is weird. - It's not weird at all.
你是來找我的，真浪漫啊 You came here to find me. That's so romantic.
不，我不是...這只是巧合 No, I didn't come- No, this is a coincidence, really.
這真的只是巧合 This is really just a coincidence.
你仍然不肯認你的骨肉？ So you're still not gonna claim your love child?
寶貝，為什麼這麼吵？ Baby, what is all the noise?
你該不會還在生我的氣吧 You're not still mad at me, are you?
你說過生孩子之前不能做愛 Right. I thought you said no sex till after the baby.
那肯定是你其他約會對像說的，因為我們現在就要做 That must be some other lady you're dating, 'cause we are gonna do it right now.
再見了，安迪 Bye, Andy.
「使用床鋪請刷卡」
「此冰箱裝設了安全系統 喝酒前一定要先打電話報備」
混蛋，他的房間裏肯定有女人 Son of a bitch. He must have a girl over there.
來吧，把我當成妓女盡情狂歡吧 Oh. Take it. Take it! Take it like a dirty whore!
沒錯，快點上我吧 Oh, yeah! Give me your man stick!
把我當成痛恨美國人的英國人吧 Oh, take it like a Brit who hates everything American!
我沒辦法，因為我可以看到寶寶正在動 No, I can't, 'cause I can see the baby moving.
- 是的 - 別看就好 - Yes. - Don't look.
快讓我嘗嘗英國男人的雄風 Oh, yes! Give me your big limey lizard!
贊啊，你為「香腸加馬鈴薯泥」創造了新的定義 Oh, yeah! You're giving new meaning to "bangers and mash"!
天啊，你的好大 Oh, God! You are so huge!
- 現在說你愛我 - 我愛你 - Say you love me right now. - I love you right now.
- 大聲一點 - 我愛死你了 - Fuckin' louder, bitch. - I love you right now!
艾多斯，我也愛你，我們可以用你的名字為寶寶取名 I love you too, Aldous! Of course we can name the baby after you!
- 我不贊成讓寶寶... - 閉嘴，你當然贊成 - No. I don't want to name the baby - Shut up! Yes, you do!
現在就上我吧 Get inside me now.
好啊 Oh, yes!
太爽了... Oh, yes!
爽啊，爽啊！ Yes, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yeah! Yes!
- 有東西抓住了我的小弟弟 - 什麼？ - Something's got a hold of me willy. - What?
有東西抓住了我的小弟弟，感覺好像是...寶寶的手 Something's got a hold of me willy! It feels like... baby hands.
天啊，寶寶抓住了我的命根子 Oh, good God, Lord! The baby's got a hold of me wanker!
閉嘴，哦耶 Shut up! Oh, yeah!
好啊，像這樣就對了 Oh, yes! Like that!
- 爽啊，爽啊 - 小惡魔，你在幹嘛？ - Yes, yes! - What did you fuck, the devil?
爸爸，陪我玩 Daddy! Daddy! Play!
天啊，救命啊 Oh, good Lord! Help me, Jesus Christ!
- 這女人的肚子裏懷著一個惡魔 - 爽啊 - This woman's got a demon in her sex! - Oh, yeah!
天啊 Oh, God!
好爽啊 Oh, yes!
- 這個地方真不錯 - 是啊，我很喜歡 - This place is really nice. - Yeah, I love it here.
這裏會讓我想起小時候，我叔叔經常帶我去的餐廳 It reminds me of a restaurant my uncle used to take me to when I was a little girl.
他總是會點一杯威士忌 我討厭他親我之後所留下的那種酒味 He'd always have a scotch. I hated the taste of it after he kissed me.
- 那張照片裏的人是你嗎？ - 啊？ - Is that- Uh, is that you? - Huh?
- 是啊 - 哦 - Oh, yeah. - Oh.
餐廳老闆是我的前男友 You know what? My ex-boyfriend owns this restaurant.
有一晚我喝得爛醉之後被他拍下來的 He took those of me one night when I was really toasted.
你有前男...你來這裏工昨才三天而已 You have- Ex-boy- You've been here three days.
就已經有前男友了，哇 You already have an ex-boyfriend. Wow.
將酒精和提神飲料混著喝 Once you start mixing alcohol and Red Bull...
感覺就像坐在駕駛座上高速狂飆，但其實是無人駕駛的 it's like you're behind the wheel of a car going 100 miles an hour, but nobody's driving.
是啊，那真是... Yeah. It's...
哇，你的筋骨很軟 Wow. You're really flexible.
這是遺傳來的，我的祖先都很會劈腿 Oh, yeah. It's genetic. I come from a long line of leg spreaders.
是啊，因為你看起來很愛脫光衣服 Yeah. Because you seem to really like being naked.
你在鄙視我，安迪，是這樣嗎？ A- Are you judging me, Andy? Is that what's going on here?
- 不是的 - 如果是的話，我就要馬上離開了 - No. No! - 'Cause if you are, I will walk out of here right now.
不是的，金，我並沒有鄙視你的意思 No, no, no. Kim, I'm not judging you. Please, I'm not judging you.
我自己喝醉之後，也曾經做過瘋狂的事 You know, I've gotten drunk and done some pretty wild things myself.
把照片的事忘了吧，安迪，好嗎？ Just drop it, Andy, okay? Put the photos behind us?
- 我贊成 - 太好了，謝謝 - Yeah. Okay. I'm all for that, yeah. - Great. Thank you.
- 要點餐了嗎？ - 好的，我餓了 - Shall we order? - Yeah. I'm starving.
那是...那是大猩猩嗎？ Is that a- Is that a gorilla?
是的，那是大猩猩 Yeah, Andy. It's a gorilla.
- 不然難道像長頸鹿嗎？拜託 - 不， - What does it look like, a giraffe? Come on. - No. Yeah.
- 我喜歡你，安迪，非常喜歡 - 我也喜歡你 - I like you, Andy. I like you a lot. - I like you too.
好玩的是通常我只想跟我的約會對像上床而已 The funny thing is that usually I like to get really physical with the guys I date.
但我跟你在一起的感覺不同 But with you, it's different.
- 我還想要別的東西 - 是啊 - It's like I need something more. - Yeah.
我感覺跟你有更深一層的心靈交流 I feel like I'm connecting with you on such a deeper level.
你就像我的哥哥一樣 You're like a brother to me.
這種沒有性愛的氛圍非常吸引人 You've got this asexual vibe that's so hot.
我猜我們可以結婚五年，卻不曾接吻 It's like I could see us married for five years and not even kissing.
- 真的嗎？ - 沒錯 - Oh, really? - Yeah.
我們應該先交往一陣子，先不要上床 I really think we should just go a while without having sex.
先交往一段比較長的日子再說 Like a long, long while, you know?
- 放慢腳步 - 好的 - Just take things really slow. - Okay.
你懂我的意思嗎？ 我們不該激起彼此的性慾，並為對方帶來煩惱 You know what I'm saying, Andy? 'Cause I don't think we should get each other hot and bothered.
我們應該將性愛這件事拋到九宵雲外 I really think we should just let sex be the furthest thing from our minds.
- 好 - 我不會舌吻你的耳垂 - Okay. - I won't tongue your ear...
或是將我自然... or rub my natural...
又豐滿的乳房靠在你的胸膛上 perky breasts up against your chest...
或是從你的大腿內側一直舔到你的... or lick your inner thigh all the way up to your c...
一直舔到你的... up to your- to your c...
- 我的小... - 沒錯 - My c... - Yeah.
- 我很想說出口，但小弟弟這幾個字讓我好害羞 - 我明白你的意思 - I really want to say it, but I feel shy saying the word "cock. " - I think I know what you mean.
- 一直舔到你的小弟弟 - 是啊 - Up to your cock.. - Yeah.
這是你的小弟弟？天啊 Is that your cock? Oh, my God!
你現在的表情好奇怪 You're making a weird face right now.
- 是嗎？真的？ - 是啊 - I am? Really? - Yeah.
好搞笑，你現在好像一個瘋子 It's funny. You look like a- like a crazy person.
噢，噢 Oh. Oh!
我跟你在一起真的好開心 I had such a good time with you.
我感覺我們心靈相通 Oh, I just- I feel like we're connected or something.
我覺得你是我的靈魂伴侶 I feel like you might be my soul mate.
從後面上我吧 Ooh! Take me from behind. Yeah.
好 Oh. Okay.
那是什麼？ Uh, what the hell is that?
什麼？那是我的刺青 What? Oh. Oh, it's my tattoo.
我十二歲時我叔叔幫我紋的 My uncle inked it on me when I was, like, 12.
它算是我們的家徽，很酷吧？我從來沒看過它的全貌 It's like a family crest. It's kind of cool, right? I never got a full look at it.
- 你是美洲原住民？ - 什麼？不是 - Are you Native American? - What? No.
我要你現在就上我 I want you inside me right now.
- 安迪，拜託你 - 好的 - Please, Andy. - Okay, okay.
安迪，住手！不要摧毀我們攜手所建立的一切 Don't do it, Andy! Do not throw away everything that we have built together!
- 這個人是誰？ - 莎拉，你想幹嘛？ - Who the hell is this? - Sarah, what are you doing?
聽著，是我犯了錯，好嗎？我不該讓你離開我的 Look, I made a mistake, okay? I never should have let you go.
我只想跟你在一起 You're the one that I want to be with.
我和我們的寶寶都想清楚了 I know it, and our baby knows it.
寶寶不是我的，好嗎？寶寶不是我的 That is not my baby, okay? That is not my baby.
我知道你一時難以接受，沒關係的 I know that this is a lot for you to process, and that's okay.
歐普拉說所有男人面對懷孕這事 起初都會經歷否認這個階段 Oprah says that all men go through this first phase of denial with pregnancy...
我們可以一起撐過去的 and we can go through it together.
等一下，她說這是你的寶寶？ Hold on a second. Am I hearing that this is your baby?
- 這不是我的寶寶 - 當然是，他是我寶寶的爸爸 - That is not my baby! - Of course it is. He's my baby's daddy.
我不是你寶寶的爸爸，小黑才是 I'm not your baby's daddy! Blaqguy's the baby's daddy.
你竟然把責任推給有色人種 Leave it up to the man to put the blame on the coloreds.
我並沒有推卸責任，你蒙住眼睛時，跟你做愛的人是小黑 I'm not blaming anybody! Blaqguy had sex with you when you were blindfolded!
好吧，安迪，我會讓你心服的 Okay, Andy. I'll humor you, all right?
只有一個方法可以查出真相，幫個忙吧 There's only one way to find this out for sure. A little help, please!
「鼓掌喝采」
各位觀眾，安迪宣稱... Ladies and gentlemen, Andy claims...
他的室友在莎拉蒙住眼睛時跟她炒飯 that his roommate diddled Sarah while she wasn't lookin'.
噢 Ooh!
莎拉宣稱這個寶寶生出來之後會又白又多毛 Sarah claims that this baby is gonna come out all white and hairy...
就跟他的爸爸安迪一樣 just like his daddy Andy.
Aw!
為了平息這個紛爭 So, to end all of this right now...
我們可以做最新的DNA測試 we have an amazing new D.N.A. test...
在寶寶出生之前就可以判斷出誰是孩子的爸爸 that can determine the father of a child before the baby is born.
噢 Ooh!
混蛋，你過來吧 Come here, you grisly little bastard.
我非常厭倦 I am so sick and tired
你這種欠揍的混蛋 of you deadbeat motherfuckers...
讓我們白人看起來像壞蛋 makin' us white guys look bad!
好慘 Oh, shit!
如果它變成藍色，就表示我們替寶寶找到爸爸了 If it turns blue, ladies, we've got your baby's daddy.
我很抱歉，年輕人，我剛才出手好像太用力了 I'm sorry, son. I may have been a little too hard on you right there.
你可以靠獵犬找到水源 You can take a hound to water...
但你不能用水來灌溉獵犬 but you can't water a hound.
莎拉，你是個蕩婦 Sarah, you're a bitch.
各位，晚安，我是比爾博士 Good night, folks. I'm Dr. Bill.
他早說過了，賤貨 He told you, bitch.
你現在看起來好蠢喔 Now you look stupid.
蠢？臭女人，你現在是在罵誰蠢啊？ Stupid? Who you callin' stupid, bitch?
- 罵你啊，笨蛋 - 笨蛋？你這個賤貨 - You, trick. - Trick? You the ho.
我是賤貨？你才是一副賤相 I'm the ho? You the ho with that ho mouth.
你用你的賤貨嘴巴咬我的奶頭吧 Should be eatin' out this peach with that ho mouth.
我一定會咬的 Oh, I will eat that peach.
我會咬到它變成紫紅色為止 I will eat that peach until it turns into a prune, bitch.
你以為我會害怕嗎？我會怕你咬我的奶頭？ You think I'm scared of you turning my peach into a prune?
- 你不怕我？ - 不，我一點也不怕你 - Oh, you're not scared of me? - Nah, I ain't scared of you.
你不怕我吸它嗎？ You're not scared of me suckin' it?
- 我會把它吸掉，就像我對我的安迪所做的一樣 - 你剛才說什麼？ - I'm gonna suck you off like I did my man Andy. - What you say, bitch?
- 你明明聽到 - 你說你對我的安迪怎樣？ - You heard me. - What you say about my man Andy?
- 你的男人？ - 開戰吧，賤貨 - Your man? - It's on, bitch.
好，你準備好了？ All right. Are you ready?
你準備好了？開始吧 Are you ready? Let's get it on!
「女子搏鬥」
放馬過來吧 Let me see what you can do.
賤人，去死吧 Fucker!
我「挫屎」了，真是抱歉 Oh, I think I just farted. I'm sorry, you guys.
來吧，臭女人，快點出招啊 Come on, smelly snatch. Come on! Come on! Fuckin' do it!
「爆米花」
你竟敢毀掉我全身最大的本錢 Oh, you did not just fuck with my best asset.
裏面好像變冷了？ Oh, did it just get cold in here?
- 來吧，賤貨 - 你還想繼續打？ - Let's go, bitch. - You want to go again? You want to go again?
噢 Oh!
- 噢 - 這一招叫做「殘而不廢」 - Oh. - This is what I like to call the "Heather Mills," bitch.
拜託，住手吧 Please! Don't.
安迪，你知道嗎？ You know what, Andy?
我搬來這裏，就是為了遠離這種紛擾 This is exactly the kind of drama I wanted to get away from by moving out here.
你到底要誰？我還是她？ So who's it gonna be- me or her?
你們兩個都是非常特別的人，而我... You're both, like, incredibly special people, and I
你知道嗎？我真的對你有感覺，但我們結束了 You know what? It's been real, but it's over.
- 金，拜託你 - 把腳還給我 - Kim, please - Give me my leg!
快還給我 Give it to me!
嘿，你準備好要領教我的拳頭了嗎？ Hey. You ready for some of this?
- 該死 - 膽小鬼 - Aw, shit. - Pussy!
年輕小子，跟著我的腳步踏上你命運的道路吧 Young white one, follow me to the path of your destiny.
什麼？ What?
快點站起來跟我走，混蛋 Motherfucker, get yo' ass out of that lounge chair and follow me, bitch.
該死 Damn!
嗨，你是誰？ Hi. Who are you?
這個人的生命力很強 The force is strong with this one.
- 你是處男 - 你真的是... - Virgin you are. - Are you
處男？沒錯，我已經當處男140年了 A virgin? Yes. 140 years for me.
你有140歲？我不相信，沒有人可以活到140歲的 Okay. You're 140 years old? I doubt that. Nobody's 140 years old.
只要不播種，你自然就能活很久 By not spilling your seed upon the sand, many years do you live.
精液是生命力大小的關鍵 Splooge is the key to life force, it is.
他的意思是說，不要自慰就能活得久一點 He's saying if you don't jerk it, you live longer.
- 真的？ - 嗯 - Really? - Mmm.
我現在81歲了 I'm 81 myself.
等一下，所以我一直以來的堅持是對的？ So, wait. I've been doing the right thing this whole time?
沒錯 Yes have you.
對不起，那是你的陰囊嗎？ Um, I'm sorry. Is that your ball sac?
你真是觀察入微 Observant you are.
陰囊是非常有彈性的 Scrotum very stretchy.
它很有彈性 Yes, yes. Very stretchy.
- 是啊 - 你到了41歲，陰囊就會裝滿了 - Yeah. - At age 41, your balls will fill up.
它們變得愈大，你的力量就會愈強 The bigger they get, the more force you'll have.
我不在乎力量，不想要它們大 I don't care about the force. I don't want big balls.
看吧，這就是處男的力量 Behold, the power of the virgin force.
這不是我想要的 Oh! No! This is not what I...
我不想再當處男了 I don't want to be a virgin anymore!
又被黑暗勢力搶走一個了 I fear we have lost another one to the dark side.
幫我抓一抓陰囊的後面，好嗎？ Scratch the back of my balls, will you?
我自己抓不到癢處 Reach them I cannot.
天啊 Jesus Christ.
你好性感，天啊，笑一個 That's so hot. Oh, my God. Smile on this one.
不對，不要露出牙齒 No, no. Don't use your teeth. Ah, that's
嘿，嘿！傻子，你幹嘛拿走我的照片？ Hey, hey, hey, fuck snort! What are you doing with my photos?
她是我的女朋友，這些照片是我的 She's my girlfriend, and these are mine!
別叫我傻子，你沒資格稱呼我 And don't call me a snort fuck or whatever it is you called me.
該死的神經病，離我遠點，繼續拍，來吧 What a fuckin' hunyak! You, back at me right now. There we go.
像你這麼好的女人不該... It just isn't right that a woman as wonderful as you...
讓一間四星級的餐廳掛滿你的露點裸照 has her shaved... chunch plastered all over a four-star restaurant.
我知道我們不是情侶， 但如果是的話，我絕不願意跟任何人分享你的裸照 I know we're not together, but if we were I wouldn't want to share your growler with anyone.
除了大猩猩之外吧，那張照片讓我慾火焚身 Except for maybe the gorilla. That kind of turned me on.
安迪，那不是真正的大猩猩，是人假扮的 It wasn't a gorilla, Andy. It was a guy in a fuzzy suit.
我不知道耶 Oh. I didn't know that.
我沒有把我真正的感受告訴你，是我大錯特錯了 Look, I made a mistake back there by not telling you how I really feel.
我選擇你，金，你是我的 I choose you, Kim. I choose you.
#Now I know #
# My one mistake was not telling you #
# Memories #
# Wicked scenes #
# I can't escape or erase from the end #
我注定會孤獨終老 I'm doomed!
我會變成一個老人，拖著這個巨大的陰囊 I'm gonna be this old man with this giant nut sac...
沒有人會管我的死活 and nobody to carry it around for me!
該死，天啊 Oh, damn! Oh, my God.
天啊 Oh, my God.
該死 Holy fuck! Oh!
安迪！ Andy!
- 天啊，安迪，你沒事吧？ - 還好 - Andy! Oh, my God! Andy, are you okay? - Yeah.
我很抱歉對你說了那些話 I'm so sorry I said all those things to you.
我真的好後悔，對不起 I feel horrible about it. I'm sorry.
- 沒關係，金，你聽好 - 真的？ - It's okay. Listen, Kim. - Yeah?
我要告訴你一件事 There's something I wanna tell you, okay?
你也患有B型肝炎，和感染了無藥可治的披衣菌？ You, too, have hepatitis "B" and an incurable case of burning Chlamydia?
- 不是，什麼？ - 什麼？ - No. What? - What?
- 我很抱歉 - 不是的 - Oh. I'm sorry. - Nothing. No. No.
- 我要說的是另一件事 - 噢 - There's something else, okay? - Oh.
聽著 Look.
我是處男 I'm a virgin.
真的？ Really?
這個消息真令人振奮 Oh, Andy, that is so refreshing.
我自從八歲起就沒有跟處男上過床了 I haven't been with a virgin since I was, like, eight.
- 等一下，什麼？ - 我說自從八歲起 - Wait. What? - Since I was, like, eight.
好吧 Oh. Okay.
你知道嗎？ You know what?
我愛你，你被車撞倒之後仍然可以站起來 I love you. You got hit by a car, and you're still standing up.
你是打不倒的 You're just undefeatable.
好，莎拉，繼續用力 All right, Sarah! Just keep pushing!
頭快要露出來了 Got some crowning action going on over here.
我已經看到頭了，但它還沒出來，繼續用力 I can see the head, but the head can't see me. Here we go!
- 我想看一眼 - 不要看比較好 - I'm gonna take a look. - No, don't look! Don't look!
天啊，我不該看的 Holy Christ! I shouldn't have looked.
該死，快點出來啊 Oh, shit! Get it out! Get it out!
生出來了 Here it comes.
噢！噢！ Oh! Oh!
現在聽得見嗎？ Can you hear me now?
不行 No.
現在呢？ What about now?
很好 Good.
- 噢！ - 等一下，我看到頭了 - Oh! - I see the head.
- 該死！爛人、賤人 - 用力啊 - Shit! Ah, cocksucker, motherfucker! - Push.
噢 Oh!
恭喜啊，你生了一個漂亮的兒子 Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy!
你現在有玩伴了 You got a playmate now.
我認識你嗎？ Do I even know you?
- 還有一個 - 什麼？天啊 - We got another one. - What? Oh, God!
- 寶寶要出來了 - 該死 - Here we are. It's coming. - Fuck!
噢 Oh!
我猜這個應該是你的吧 Uh, I'm gonna assume this one is yours?
噢，他好漂亮 Oh, he's beautiful!
- 嘿！ - 還有一個 - Hey! - Here's another one.
努力，要出來了 Come on. Here it is.
噢 Oh!
這是你的，恭喜 It's for you. Congratulations.
噢，哇 Oh, wow.
你跟幾個人上過床？ How many people did you have sex with?
快要出來了，出來了 It's coming! Here it is.
是真的嗎？ Is it- Is it
我的小乖乖 My little rice ball.
謝謝你，護士 Oh. Thank you, Nurse.
#Love #
# Love #
- 嘿，安迪，恭喜你 - 恭喜 - Hey, Andy. Congratulations. - Congratulations.
今晚你要同時上我們 Tonight you get to do both of us.
但我們只想知道一件事 But we were just wondering one thing.
- 你有玩過土耳其轉木遊戲？ - 一箭雙鵰？ - Have you ever had a Turkish log jammer? - Double clam slam?
- 玻利維亞摩天樓？ - 「鯰魚大餐」？ - Bolivian skyscraper? - Sweaty catfish sampler?
粉紅洗禮？ Pink glass shower?
口交？ Mouth fucking?
鬧夠了，快點滾出去 Okay. Get the fuck out of here!
你準備好了嗎？ Are you ready for this?
大概吧 Yeah. I-I think so.
你不必花任何力氣，我會負責一切 I'm gonna make it really easy on you. I'm gonna do all the work.
好 Oh. Okay.
- 噢，噢 - 哇 - Oh. Oh! - Wow.
這種感覺...棒呆了 Oh, that feels- That's good.
你現在正式告別處男了 You're officially not a virgin anymore.
沒錯 Oh. Yeah.
這種感覺真的很棒 Oh, that's really- That feels good.
感覺非常棒 That feels, like, really good.
你的表情怎麼這樣？ Why are you making that face?
- 抱歉 - 沒關係 - Aw, sorry. I'm sorry. - That's okay. It's all right.
看著我的眼睛 Just try to look into my eyes.
沒錯，好了，會痛啊 Okay. Yeah. That's- Ah, there. There, that hurts.
有一點痛，不過感覺很好 This hurts. Little bit hurts. Good though. In a good way.
- 這樣就對了 - 好啊，噢 - Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Okay. Oh.
再用力一點 Do it harder.
你最好不要動了，有點不對勁，不對勁 You shouldn't move. Something's going on now. Something's going on.
你怎麼了？ What's happening?
快點閃開，閃開！ Ah! Get out of me! Get out!
金，對不起 Kim, I'm Sorry!
金，對不起 Sorry, Kim!
森林大火已經完全熄滅了 Apparently, the wildfire has been completely extinguished.
但在同一時間 But in related news...
路易斯安那州卻變成了水鄉澤國 Louisiana is now completely flooded.
大量不知名的含鹽液體... A torrential downpour of an unknown salty liquid...
涌入該區 has filled the area...
不斷造成河川潰堤 breaking the levees once again in the process.
哈，啊哈！ Ha! Aha!
# She's a ho #
# Every night you take her out she starts acting crazy #
# Freaking every guy in the club who wants to play #
# She's a ho #
# You should know that you can't turn a ho into a housewife #
- # She will screw you over and make a joke of your life # - # She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
- # She's a ho #
# Every time she comes around the guys you get embarrassed #
# She's a ho and that's a fact You just may want to wear this #
# Her vag is just a factory that pumps a lot of children #
# She has so many others that you might just want to kill them #
Uh-uh. I don't think you said that.
- # She's a ho # - I ain't no ho! You know what?
- It was your baby daddy that did that shit to me. - # She's a ho #
- Fuck you! Uh-uh! - # She's a ho #
- # For real # - # She's a ho #
- # Enchiladas # - # She's a ho #
- # Quesadillas # - # She's a ho #
# And taco supreme #
# She likes the taste of Matzo balls curry and Asian #
# Fried chicken, carnitas and she's into Caucasians #
# She's a ho #
# She blew him, she's on the mend Just blowin' for the cameras #
# Smile so big while those tightened asses are in slammers #
- # She's a ho # - Balls on her chin! She'll toss your salad!
- # She's a ho # - She's also into Cleveland steamers!
- # She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
#She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
- # A ho # - # She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
# She'll suck your friends off ##
是 Yes.
是 Yes!
是！是！是！是！ Yes! Yes! Yes, yes!
是！是！你這個愚蠢、沒腦袋、殘忍的... Yes, yes, you stupid, lame-brained, relentless...
鼻涕蟲，雞巴臉，欠插，欠捅的 snot-nosed, dickface, cocksucker, cock knocker...
混蛋，是！ motherfucker, yes!
是！你什麼時候放棄？ Yes! Now, don't you ever give up?
你沒感覺麼？沒腦子麼？ Don't you have a conscience? Have you no fucking soul?
該死的混蛋 You unflinching bastard!
你這個愚蠢，殘忍，沒腦袋的... You stupid, relentless, lame-brained...
欠操貨 fucking cocksucker!
欠操，真他媽的欠操 Fuck burger, fucking, fucking fuck burger!
現在聽得見嗎？ Can you hear me now?
是 Yes.
是！ Yes!
是！是！ Yes. Yes.
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Why you such a douchebag #
# Frostin' your tips #
# Shakin' your hips #
# Dressed in drag #
# You walk around with your dick out #
# Dancin' like a fool #
# Lookin' like a tool #
# What a fag #
# And when you walk around with your pink shirt#
# And your spiky hair#
# It makes me want to give you a wedgie #
# By pulling on your underwear#
# Douchebag #
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Ooh, why you such a douchebag #
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Ooh, why you such a cock smoker#
# Wearin' Speedos while you swim #
# Rockin' spandex at the gym #
# All the time #
# Why you shavin' off your mustache #
# Grow some handlebars #
# And maybe you'll be a star#
# I don't know #
# Ooh, a douchebag #
# Let me hear you sing it #
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Everybody knows Everybody knows #
噢 Uh.
你正想著該結束了吧 Just when you thought it was over...
我們又來了 we come back.
給你屁屁加點兒料 Some mo' dick fo' your ass.
耶，說定了 Yeah. Not a deuce.