Episode 104 - Language Lessons
What're you watching, DJ?
Thunder Mouse!
Oh! He's my favorite rodent next to you.
Ew! You've been wearing these socks all week.
I like them.
Well, give them here so I can scrape off some of this topsoil.
Clear the junk off the table, will you DJ?
Okay.
Good going, Thunder Mouse! Thanks.
What're you doing, Darlene? I'm making a castle for History class.
Are you doing homework on a Saturday?
Yeah. Oh no!
My daughter's body is being possessed by a good student.
Well, hey Dwight. I appreciate the call.
Yeah, I know nobody's been working. Yeah, this sounds real good.
Boing! Well n-
Well th- thanks, yeah.
No, I'm here all day. Yeah.
Yeah, give me a call as soon as you find out something for sure.
Okay, man. Thanks a lot. Bye bye.
Whoo! Alright, your old man's going back to work.
Did Dwight get a job for you? Maybe.
He's pretty sure he's got something lined up in his Stanford build.
Some guy wants his kitchen remodeled. It'd be a couple weeks work.
He's going to call me back as soon as it's definite.
Great! Maybe I can finally get you out of this house.
You're going to miss me. Yaddi, yaddi, yaddi.
So's that sofa.
You know, the only thing you've been doing for the last two weeks is...
... just laying there, watching TV, and buffing out your nails.
How do they look?
Get off!
Quit bothering me!
Get back in there and fix your four star chili.
You only married me for my cooking.
Uh-uh!
I married you because you needed a date for you wedding.
So is when is this chili masterpiece going to be done?
Hey, you don't rust great art!
Well, make sure you make enough for Jackie.
She coming over?
Honey, doesn't she come over every single Saturday?
Yeah. I was just thinking maybe she'd miss a day.
You knew when you married me that I had a sister.
Yeah well, I didn't think she'd be here every weekend.
Aw hell, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.
You know, if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
I'm telling you honey, two minutes after she walks in the-
Put those down.
Drop them! Okay.
Bad! Anyway, where was I?
Two minutes after she walks through that door...
... she's going to say, "Dan, you know what your problem is?"
"Dan, you know what your problem is?" Oh, don't start!
If I here that one more time, I'm going to tie her to that chair...
... and make her watch fifteen years of our home movies.
Well now, that is the cruelest thing you've ever said, you beast.
Anybody home?
No, we moved. Children: Hi, Aunt Jackie.
Dan? What's wrong?
My sister-in-law is here.
The world famous chef is dicing onions...
... for his four star chili.
I love chili. Let me have a taste.
I can give you some to go.
Well, I don't want to spoil my appetite for dinner...
You invited her to dinner? Not yet.
Jackie, honey, why don't you stay for dinner?
Thank you. That'll be convenient since I'm spending the night.
Spending the night? Yeah. The pipes in my apartment froze again,...
... so I don't have any water.
I can get you some water to go.
Dan, you know what your problem is?
Do you want me to set up the projector now?
You don't put enough pepper in the chili.
I happen to put the perfect amount of peppers in my chili.
Too bland.
Your chili is just like you: Hot and spicy!
Hey, Aunt Jackie. Hi, sweetheart. What're you looking at?
Teenage Life. Oh my God. Roseanne, you remember that?
Oh yeah. We used to read all those articles about how to be the perfect woman.
Yeah, those were great.
Oh, my favorite one was "50 Ways to Say 'I Love You'...
... Using Only Your Eyes".
There's this great article in here about how to read your boyfriend's body language.
Well, if your boyfriend's body starts talking, I want to know about it.
I happen to know quite a bit about body language. Yeah?
Tell your body to go home?
Rebecca, your father's words are saying, "Go home,"...
... but his body...
... is saying that he loves and adores his sister-in-law.
Hey, Jackie. Read this.
Alright, I had a sody [soda] on the counter. Who took it?
Not me. Soda phantom.
Oh, you mean this? What are you doing?!
I was drinking that! I'm sorry. Here.
I'm not going to drink it after you slobbered all over it.
Careful, Dad; you'll get cooties. Hey! I don't have cooties.
Oh yeah? What's this?
Oh! Cut it out!
Dan! It's bigger! It's getting bigger!
Cut it out! Get back in the kitchen there and spice up that bland chili of yours.
Hey!
You can insult my wife and you can insult my children,...
... but don't bad mouth my chili.
Can you hand me the glue?
You guys are doing really good.
I know; I'm in charge of the glue.
You know what you need though? Huh?
Look in the picture. You need a drawbridge.
Hey, yeah. That's cool.
DJ, go out in the garage and get me a piece of wood that big.
And don't move your fingers; it's got to be exactly that size.
Greetings, alien. Not now, Mom.
Hey, Jackie. That washing machine's free. Okay, thanks.
Boy, you're really putting in some time on this.
Yeah, I know. It must be important.
No, not really.
It's just for fun.
Well, let me tell you a story 'just for fun'.
No, not a story!
Once upon a time, there was a-
Once upon a time, there was this little girl who ran away from home,...
... because her mother told her long, boring stories.
Shut up, you.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful queen, and she lived in a beautiful palace.
And she had a beautiful and lovely little daughter...
... and her name was- Let me guess, Mom... Darlene.
No, smart mouth. It was...
... Darlina.
Anyway, the beautiful queen was puzzled, and...
... she asked Darlina, "Why art thou building this thing?"
And Darlina replied,...
Don't try and figure it out, just live with it.
What is this all about, Darlene? What?
Level with me.
Mom...
... I'm flunking History.
Uh-huh.
Well, Crane said if I did this castle for extra credit,...
... and did ok on the next test,...
... I might pass. Uh-huh.
So, that's why I got to get this in by Monday.
Well, then I'm going to let you get back to work.
Wait, aren't you going to yell at me? No.
Well, aren't you going to tell me how bright I am,...
... but I never apply myself and always wait until the last minute.
You don't need to hear that again, do you?
Yeah, I went out with them on Friday. Yeah, I hadn't told you that. Right.
So I was going to go out with him again on Saturday,...
... and then I find out he went to Chicago. I find out from Billy.
Right. I have no way to get in touch with him,...
... so I call his apartment and I leave a message on the machine, right?
I had nothing to say. I'm like, "Hi, how are you?"
You know, it's me. If you get a chance- Jackie! You going to stay on that phone all day?!
Hold on just a second. Yeah, I'm going to be off in just a second.
So, I leave the message, you know...
... and then how am I supposed to get in touch with him in Chicago anyways?
Would you please hurry up! I'm expecting a very important phone call.
You know what your problem is, Dan?
You don't have call waiting.
You know what your problem is, Jackie? You don't pay my phone bill.
Okay. I'll call you later. Okay!
Phone's all yours. Thank you for allowing me to use my telephone.
You're welcome.
I don't want to complain- But you're going to.
Roseanne, when you were growing up, how did you live with her?
Well, we just locked her up in the closet...
... and then we stuffed some dog food under the door.
She is a major league pain in the butt.
Yeah, but you know, you're really spoiled,...
... because, you know, you live with me; you're used to perfection.
Oh, here it is. Come one, Dwight.
Hello? Hey, Dwight! What's the word?
Yeah.
Thanks anyway. Yeah, maybe next week.
Right. Bye bye.
Damn.
You are going to get the very next job that comes.
I hope so. I'm going nuts. I've been sitting around here for two weeks.
Yeah, but I kind of like having you around.
Well, I kind of like being around, but I feel terrible when I ain't working.
Well, you want work? Because, you know, over at the Blue Flamingo...
... they're hiring topless dancers.
Nah, I couldn't do that. My bad knee.
Well, I'd put a dollar in your g-string.
Go get your purse.
Mom, Dad, come on. You've got to try this.
There's a test in the back of this Teenage Life...
... and you guys are going to be our lover guinea pigs.
I don't feel like playing no game.
Oh, come on. Dad, please.
Do I got to do anything weird? You wish.
Just do it, Dad. Alright?
Come on. Come on. Alright.
Sit. You sit. You sit. Sit down.
Now... Alright, lay this game on us.
Exercise 1: Tantalizing with touch.
Ooh, I think I'm going to like this.
The object of this exercise is to transmit a deeply felt emotion with your hands.
Oh, Jackie! This is corny! Roseanne.
Oh, alright. Okay. I can do it.
Come on, you guys. You know this really could help your relationship.
Be serious. Okay, I'm serious.
Are you serious? I'm serious.
Okay, we're serious.
Alright, face... okay- okay, face your boyfriend and touch hands.
Yeah, but my boyfriend's not here. Will my husband do?
He'll have to do.
Now, try to communicate an emotion without speaking.
Okay, he'll be wrong. I just know it.
Okay. Dad, what's Mom thinking?
She's thinking I'll be wrong.
This is great! Dan, we never have to talk to each other again!
Oh come on, you two! Come on. Try it again.
Okay. Okay. Okay, I got it. Okay.
I'm transmitting a very important message, so tune in lover boy.
Oh, I'm picking something up.
Alright. Dan, what's she trying to tell you?
She's telling me something I wanted to hear for a real long time.
My sister-in-law is moving to North Dakota.
Dad! I'm sorry, Jackie. That was a joke.
South Dakota.
Sometimes there's a lot of truth in kidding.
Oh, hell! Don't psychoanalyze everything I say!
Yeah. Believe me, it's not worth it.
No, Dan. I want to know. Do I irritate you?
I-I don't want to get into this. No, really.
Where do I begin? You dont.
At the beginning. Okay.
One thing, you pick all the nuts out of the Rocky Road ice cream.
Well, put me in front of a firing squad.
I'm going to put you both in front of a firing squad.
For another thing, you could knock when you walk in the door.
You want me to knock when I come over?
Jackie: I can knock. I- I'll blow a trumpet. Dan: I would love for you to knock when you walk in the door.
Jackie: If that's what you want me to do next time. Dan: Please. Fine. Fine!
Chili's ready!
Come on, Dan. Spit it out. What's really bothering you?
What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here all the time.
Well... Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't even notice so much.
Gosh! You simply must come over more often, sis!
Well, Dan really went off the deep end. Oh, you think so?
You know, he just lost a job. That was the phone call he was waiting for.
Oh. I don't know how you do it, Jackie,...
...but you always manage to say the most perfectly wrongest thing...
... at the most perfectly wrongest time.
Just like Mom.
Well, okay. Take his side.
Ohh! There you go, that's two.
That is the most perfectly wrongest thing you could have said to me.
Why don't you think before you talk?
So, you expect me to go out there and apologize to him.
No, I don't expect you to do nothing.
That's what you want me to do. I'm not going to tell you what to do.
Why not? You're going to tell me what to do anyway. Just like mom.
That's three!
He has been on my case ever since I came in the door.
And I'm not apologizing to him until he apologizes to me.
Mom? What?
Are Dad and Aunt Jackie really mad at each other?
No. They just fight for the same reason you fight with Darlene.
To torture me.
DJ, look what you did! Mom!
Look what you did! You ruined it! I didn't mean to!
You're so stupid!
What happened?
DJ fell on my castle and crushed it.
We can fix it. No we can't!
And now I'm going to flunk History and it's all DJ's fault!
Oh, it's DJ's fault? Yes! Look what he did!
Oh, yeah. It's all his fault that you didn't study all semester.
But Mom! He was just here and-
Yeah, and its his fault you put this off until the last minute.
You always take his side. I'm not taking his side.
Yes, you are! You're strict with me and Becky, but you let DJ get away with murder.
Darlene, who are you really mad at?
DJ! Yeah, well that makes a lot of sense.
I know if I screwed around all semester and was flunking history...
I'd sure be looking for somebody else to blame it on too.
That's not what I'm doing! That's exactly what you're doing, Darlene.
It's not fair!
DJ!
Come on down here, honey! Is Darlene there?
Nope. She's gone. It's safe; come on down.
Looks like you really redecorated Darlene's castle there.
I didn't mean too.
I know. It was an accident.
Darlene hates me.
She doesn't hate you, honey. She hates History.
She said I was stupid.
No, you're not stupid; you're just clumsy, like your daddy.
Yeah right.
Do you want to go in the kitchen and be my official 'Chili Taster'?
No.
You just going to sit here on the steps for the rest of your life?
Yup.
And let people walk on you and pile books on you and junk?
Yup.
Well, that ain't much of a life.
But I'll help you get started.
Come here.
Put this on.
Give you a hat.
Mom, should I put this other load in the dryer? No, I'll do it in a minute.
Giddy up. Giddy up. Giddy up.
Alright, horsey, get up here.
Mom, I finished folding the laundry.
Thank you, honey. You're one of my three favorite kids.
What about me? No.
Are you ready for some delicious chili? Yup.
Okay. You ready for the greatest chili in the entire world?
Yup. Alright, here you go.
Just a little bit bland.
Man, this garage is a mess. I've got to get organized.
Dad, can I use this? No, I need that.
Me, myself, and I. Manny M. Man.
What are you doing?
Getting some more wood. So you're going to fix that castle?
Yeah, but it's still DJ's fault.
Gosh, Darlene's so doggone stubborn.
I wonder where she gets it from.
Not from me. No, it couldn't be from you.
Roseanne, I know what you're doing...
... and there is no way I'm going to go in there and apologize to your sister.
Umm... I just thought I'd let you know that I'm going to go check into a motel.
Anybody we know?
I was thinking it'd be better if I stayed somewhere else.
How about the Philippines?
You know what your problem is, Dan? Yeah. You.
See, I come in here and try to make things easy; he's acting like a big baby.
Would you tell your sister it takes one to know one.
I don't know how you get along with this guy. You know-
Would you tell your sister to hit the bricks. This is a game I know-
I know this game. I really know this game. It's called 'Let's Tear Roseanne Apart'.
You take this and you take this arm, and then you just both pull...
... until I splatter into a puddle.
She's over here all the time because she's my sister.
And he don't mean nothing, he's just blowing off steam. Okay?
Now, you two are worse than all three of the kids put together. You're driving me nuts.
You've got to get it together.
Well, you- you don't have to stay in no motel. That's silly.
You can sleep out here.
She's really something. Yeah. Well, she does get carried away sometimes.
Yeah, and she loves to tell everybody exactly how to lead their lives.
Yeah. Well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
Well, I do!
Dan, isn't that movie over yet? No.
I want to go to sleep. Please...
This is the best part of the movie. Come on. You're on my bed.
Jackie, your bed is my sofa.
Here you go, sis.
Dan won't get off the couch. Honey, get off the couch!
Getting ready for the showdown.