[Typewriter Clacking]
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
[Clacking Continues]
Who is it?
Oh, you're not intimidated, huh?
Oh, come on, Ken
You're forgetting that I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team
You, uh, don't have gloves on, your flnger's not on the trigger,
and there are no bullets in the cylinder
You're right I'm a lousy practical joker
What are you doing here with that thing, anyway?
I was on my way down to the cabin I thought maybe I could use it for protection
Also came by to apologize
- For what? - For blowing my cork the other day I got out of line
Forget it You know, that happens
Nah Shouldn't happen Not between you and me
So, believe it or not, sir,
this is a peace pipe
Bottoms up, Jim
In the middle of the morning?
Oh, come on Relax It's Saturday
And in the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night
Oh! A toast
Dear sir,
I give you
our divorce
Well, it's not really a divorce
Oh, sure it is Come on Let's be honest
I mean, it's... There's no alimony, but, uh, it is a termination
Ah, yes And our dear little children
All 15 of them
Fifty million copies
And to the lady who made it all possible, the greatest sleuth in the world,
Mrs Melville,
whom we brought to life and now we're about to bury
Come on, Ken
You're making me feel guilty All I want to do is write on my own
You're right I am being selflsh
Okay, my boy My blessings on your solo flight
Thanks
I appreciate it
After all, friendship is more important than partnership Right?
Here's to our friendship
Right
And now, sir,
I'm gonna kidnap you
What? The aforementioned cabin
which has been flnished for over six months now...
You haven't seen it You're gonna be my flrst male guest
Oh, I can't, Ken Not now Well, why can't you?
It's all the way down in San Diego Oh, it's a couple of hours' drive
I'll have you home before midnight
Yeah, well, I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a show
Aw, that's easy You pick up that phone, you say, "Honey, I'm gonna be working late at the offlce tonight" Come on
Soon as we get down there, we uncork another bottle, and then we go flshing
Well, l... You know what your trouble, old buddy is...
I mean, you're afraid to unwind even for a day Oh, no, I'm not
Well, then, prove it Come on If you want some justiflcation,
you're doing it as a favor for me
At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some style, huh?
You just don't drop your partner, then turn down his invitation all in one week, now do you?
Actually, the timing isn't bad I was just flnishing the flnal chapter
Ah, Mrs Melville's last case
You know, we ought to send that broad some flowers
Listen, I made a list of things I'd like to take from the offlce
You want to take a look at it?
I don't get it It's a list of names Oh, I'm losing my mind
It's the wrong one I must have left the other one at the house
Uh... Oh, I am losing my mind
What's the matter? I left my lighter in the offlce
Do you need it? That's my security blanket
I'll only be a minute
[Whistling]
And to think I had to talk you into this trip
Ah, Jim, smell that air How far is the cabin?
Ah, it's not far About an hour
We have to skirt San Diego
I'll only be a minute I just have to get some supplies
Do you want to hand me that book in that glove compartment?
Hey, it's one of ours [Chuckles] Yeah
The boss lady here's a big fan of ours
I've been promising this for months [Chuckles] The price of fame
You want me to come with you? No, no I'll only be a minute
Miss La Sanka!
Anybody home? In a minute
Mr Franklin!
Oh, my planets must be in the right house!
[Chuckles] Not only that, but they're working overtime
I have a surprise for you Pour moi?
Pour moi Prescription. Murder
"A Mrs Melville thriller
byJames Ferris and Ken Franklin"
Oh, uh, take a look at the flrst page
You signed it? You dear man
Well, Mr Franklin!
I'd rather have the storyteller than the story
Well, I'll tell you what
If you play your cards right and give me my grocery list, someday you may have both
Empty promises Miss La Sanka!
What do you need? just a few things for overnight, thanks
Who is it this week? The blonde or the redhead? Uh, Miss La Sanka,
I'm all alone this weekend
Except for, uh, some contemplation, some flshing and a refreshment of my spirit
Could you break this for me? I need some change for the phone Thanks very much
[Cash Register Dings]
That'll do flne Thank you
Operator, I'd like to place a station-to-station call to Los Angeles
The area code is 213
[Phone Ringing]
Hello joanna, it's Ken
Well, Ken! I thought you weren't talking to us
Oh, that's all patched up
As a matter of fact, I leftJim at the offlce a few hours ago
- We signed the armistice - Oh, well, that's a relief
Look, Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him
I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself
Uh, why don't you join us for dinner? We'll celebrate
I'd really love to, but I'm...
I'm spending the weekend down here in San Diego at the cabin
As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from
All right Then we'll do it another time Absolutely
Uh, Joanna, I thought maybe if you,
for some reason, needed to get in touch with me, you do know the number at the cabin
Right I'll see you in a few days
Fine
Good-bye
Did you ever get a feeling of déjá vu?
What?
Like you've, uh, done something before, but you know you haven't
Why? What do you mean?
I'm getting it right now It's strange
You know I've never been here before
Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?
Ken, it's fantastic The house that Mrs Melville built
Wait till you see the inside
[Sighs] It's no wonder
"No wonder" what?
What woman could resist this setting?
Not very many I promise you that
How about a drink, Jim? More alcohol? No, thanks
lt'll corrupt me [Chuckles]
You're thinking aboutJoanna, aren't you?
Well, yeah You know,
just taking off like that
She still expects me for dinner We can flx that We'll put plan "A" into effect
Pick up the phone and call her
What am I gonna tell her? The man is too square for words
Now, look You simply say that you're working at the offlce
You're calling from the offlce She knows you have a deadline to meet with the book You're working late
How many times have you had to do that? A couple hundred, I guess
Exactly That's why she'll believe you
Yeah, well, l... I just hate lying to her You know
You're not lying to her You're saving her a little anguish
Now, will you pick up the phone and call her so we can start enjoying ourselves?
Okay
- Oh, Operator, I'd like to make a collect... - Hold it
It's a cinch you have never cheated on Joanna before
If you want your wife to believe you're calling from the offlce,
you don't have the operator place the call... you dial it direct
The area code is 213
Hi, honey
How are ya?
Well, that's what I'm calling about
Um, I'm at the offlce, and
I'm pretty well into this last chapter
I'd like to work straight through Yeah, I know
l... I know
This'll be the last time That I can...
[Shot Fires] jimmy?
jimmy!
Operator, get me the police
[Phone Ringing]
HelloJoanna?
What?
joanna...
Will you take it easy? Now, say it again once more
Are you sure?
Did you call the police?
Yes, yes, of course I'll leave right away
Uh, Joanna, please
Take it easy
And don't worry
I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke
Good-bye
No, I know it's insane
And I-I-I just... I keep thinking of the clichés and-and...
jim and Ken wrote this scene
in their books a hundred times
Look at it this way, Mrs Ferris Maybe he isn't dead
Now, there's no body, no blood...
No! He was shot! I-I know it!
I-I-I heard... I heard it on the phone
Are you sure it was a gunshot? This place was searched
- Papers on the floor Have you any idea why? - No, I have no idea why
Did you notice anything special missing?
No, no, no Are you sure it was his voice?
[Joanna] Yes, I know it was his voice, and maybe somebody...
[Man] Was he under any kind of extra pressure?
[Joanna] No Maybe somebody was...
- Did he say where he was calling from? - Yes
He said he was calling from the offlce He said... He said
"I'm calling from the offlce "
I really don't care if anything was missing
I just really want to flnd out what happened to my husband
We'll do our best You sure it was his voice?
I know it was his voice Are you sure it was a gunshot?
Yes, that's right [Man] Would you like to sit down and get a glass of water?
Yes, I would like... Really, please
'Cause I really feel stupid,
and I just really want to clear my head Get the water
Okay
[Columbo] I think that's out of order, ma'am
Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings The fountains never work
Then you have to use the coffee machine
And then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy
Who are you? Uh, I'm just another cop
My name's Columbo I'm a lieutenant
Were you in there... I got the proof right here
You didn't see me in there because I left before you got in there
And you know why? Because it's so smoky in there and so noisy in there
that I just had to come outside and get a breath
Oh, I think I'd better get back Now, look Wait a minute
Let me tell you something You look very tired to me,
and I think you had a terrible experience in there
And I think I ought to drive you home Let's call it a night
Well, don't you think they want to ask me questions?
Oh, I don't think they'll mind I think you've answered enough questions,
and I'll call them and I'll tell them you're with me
Okay? Well, what about Ken?
Why isn't Ken here?
I don't know why he isn't here
Is that Mr Franklin, the other half of the writing team?
[Chuckles]
Yeah, the other half of the team
You know, that's what I like about these buttons
You don't have to push 'em They go off with the heat of your hand
I bet you haven't had anything to eat
You're a very nice man, Lieutenant, but I'm not really hungry
I'll tell you, Mrs Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world
But there's one thing I do terriflc, and that's an omelet
Even my wife admits it Uh, I need something for the eggshells
- Over there in that cabinet - Right
I'm really not hungry Listen
You take a taste You don't like it,
you throw it away
I'll tell you what the secret is to a good omelet
- No eggsJust milk - [Stifled Chuckle]
- Uh, skillet - Over there
You're a very persuasive man, Lieutenant
Maybe I should hold up my end and make the coffee
I need cheese and onions and, uh, butter
Cheese... Uh, I need something to grate the cheese
Over there in the cupboard
Right
What did they do with him, Lieutenant?
I don't know, ma'am
Well, there was no body in the offlce Couldn't that mean that he isn't dead?
Well, that's hard to say Uh, it's bothering me too
I tell ya, the whole thing doesn't make sense unless it's a kidnapping
Well, you don't shoot a victim flrst, do you?
Why'd you laugh before? When?
When I asked you if Mr Franklin was the other half of the writing team
Did I laugh? Yep
Maybe it was the way you put it
"Writing team"
Maybe I shouldn't say it,
but Ken hasn't written a word of a Mrs Melville novel in years
Mrs Melville? Who's Mrs Melville?
The character thatJim and Ken created
The one who solves all the crimes brilliantly
Well, uh, why did your husband put up with it?
What I mean is, uh, him doing all the work
Well, there were compensations
Ken did the publicity, went on all the talk shows,
and he did interviews and cultivated the fllm people
He contributed
He just didn't do any of the writing
Boy, I'll tell ya, I'd love to be a writer
That's a terriflc talent
Where did he get all the ideas?
Oh, from almost anything
People Magazines
Conversations
I'm constantly flnding scraps of paper and old matchbook covers
just all over the house with notes and ideas
And those were mysteries, too, weren't they, huh?
Mm-hmm They're tricky I'll tell you that
I could never flgure those things out
Well, it got harder
Maybe that's why he decided to go out on his own
Oh, really? I didn't know that I guess he wanted to do some serious work
No kidding?
How did Mr Franklin take that?
Not very well
But he'll get over it
Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes Why?
Well, you got a writing team, and they're very famous, and now they break up, and what happens?
One fella continues writing books, and the other fella just stops
Yeah That's what I keep telling Jim...
that sooner or later, people are bound to flnd out
What, that your husband did all the writing? Mmm
Yeah
Kind of tough on Mr Franklin's ego
[Doorbell Rings]
Oh, Ken! jo
I know, I know just take it easy
I drove up here as fast as I could
Is there anything new? No, not yet
jo, it's incredible
I just saw him this morning at the offlce
Oh, I'm sorry, Ken Uh,
Lieutenant Columbo, Mr Franklin
How you doin'? No, the question is, how you doing, Lieutenant?
Well, I'm afraid we just got started
Has Jim been found yet?
Has he been found yet? Uh...
Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?
Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego
You must know that this story is on every news station
Oh, right Yeah Gee, I should have thought of that
Well, has he been found? Gee, I'm afraid not
No Were you visiting friends in San Diego?
He has a place there... a cabin Oh, away for the weekend Gee, that's nice
Mmm Could we get back to my question?
Have you come up with any leads, any clues?
Uh, it's a little early for that Early?
Seems to me your men are standing around just marking time
Could I have a drink, love?
I could use one myself Thanks
I'll tell you something, Lieutenant
See, if Mrs Melville were on this case,
oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now
Is that the lady in the books? That's right
You see, she would have flgured out that this is not just someone missing
This is a professional killing
Aha Here it is
Take a look at that Uh, put it on the desk
just drop it 'Cause of the flngerprints, you know
jim's flngerprints are all over that So are mine
What is it? What's it look like? It's a list of names
Look at that Mustel, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake...
Sound familiar? Uh, yeah, kinda
Well, they should That's a list of some of the top men in organized crime on the West Coast...
LA, Vegas, Frisco... I don't understand
Well, it's painfully obvious
One of these men had Jim killed
Really? Why?
Tell me something How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant?
Mrs Melville would have put that together like that [Snaps Fingers]
Look, l... I'm willing to take all the help I can get
All right Let me see if I can explain it to you
See, my partner and I decided to split, go our separate ways
I'm sureJoanna must have mentioned that to you
Yeah, she said something about that
Did she also mention the fact thatJim wanted to do some serious writing?
Hey Uh-huh Uh-huh
Wait a minute Yeah! Dawning on you now? I knew you'd get it
But that's only the tip of the iceberg
You see, Jim was researching a complete and factual exposé
of all West Coast organized crime
I mean, he was going around asking some pretty embarrassing questions
Probing Compiling dossiers
That's why they searched this offlce
Apparently, they got everything but that list
And you think one of these fellas put out a contract on him
Of course Word must have gotten around thatJim was compiling all this information
They knew they couldn't buy him off, so what do they do?
They chose the usual alternative
Professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?
Well, who knows? But remember one thing... Without a corpus delicti,
you can't prove a murder was committed in the flrst place
But why would a professional killer care?
I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came
Lieutenant, I can't answer all your questions I've given you a list of the most likely suspects
A clear motive Isn't that enough to start with?
Oh, that's plenty And believe me, I'm very grateful for all the help you've given me
Gee, that's funny What?
Well, this thing is folded lengthwise, like someone was carrying it in their pocket
So?
Well, if he typed that on that typewriter...
and I'll run a check on that...
why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?
[Chuckling] I'm beginning to like you
Why is that? Because you're flnally beginning to think like Mrs Melville
Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper,
and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know Ah
Now, however interesting your observation is,
it only leads us far astray
However, since you are beginning to learn how to emulate our dear lady,
I'm gonna give you something that you richly deserve...
a chance to read some of our books
Well, that's very nice of you Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?
Thank you Maybe I can pick up a few pointers
Oh, I'm sure you can
Uh, could you handle some more? Oh, all right
Here you go Oh, and an extra Oh, that's very nice
That ought to keep you busy for a while, huh? Yeah, it sure will
Well, anything else, Lieutenant? Uh, no, I don't think so
I think I'd better let you get some sleep Oh, that's very nice of you
I just only hope I was of some help Oh, you certainly were
Well, good night, Lieutenant Good night, sir Good night
Oh, Mr Franklin Uh...
Actually, uh, there is one thing,
not that it makes that much difference
What is it?
When Mrs Ferris called you and told you her husband got shot,
you jumped in a car and drove right back to LA
Is that right? That's right
You know, me, I'd have taken a plane
I mean, it's a big airport, and they run every half hour lt'd been a lot faster
Well, l... That's true, but in a situation like that, who thinks clearly?
And look at it this way You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport,
how much time do you really save?
Hmm
Operator, would you get me the police, please?
Thank you
Lt Columbo, please
Yes, thank you I'll wait
Columbo, this is Franklin
I think you better get over here right away
937 Skyview Drive
It's an emergency
[Woman On Police Radio. Indistinct]
[Woman on Radio] 1- L 10 MPs have been notifled
Do you still request a radio unit?
[Man On Radio] All units in the vicinity,
a prowler, 12F3... [Fades]
When I got home, there he...
there it was, right in the middle of the lawn
Terrible thing to come home to
The funny thing is, l...
I kept hoping or l... I was sure thatJim was still alive
PoorJoanna
Every time I think of feeling sorry for myself,
I think of how much she had to lose
Look at 'em!
Vultures!
Lieutenant, you mind if I go inside? I
can't stand to watch them gape
Listen You mind if I come with you?
Because there's no lining in this coat, and I'm a bit chilly
I don't mind
[Phone Ringing]
Hello
Yes, this is Mr Franklin
What? No comment
Aw, you've gotta be kidding You want an interview now?
A gentleman of the press Afraid you're gonna get a lot of that
I'm sorry, Lieutenant I'm forgetting my manners Would you like a drink?
Yeah Mmm Maybe a drop ofbourbon
Bourbon
Boy, this is quite a place
This a copy?
Hardly It's an original
Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff on museums
You own this?
Mrs Melville has been very kind
Boy Quite a place
Gee whiz And you got that other place in San Diego
Gee, the upkeep alone must be...
I manage to scrape by Your drink
Thank you You know, there's one thing about writers that I don't understand
Maybe you can help me clear it up
If a fella's partner dies,
uh, does he own the other fella's half of the books, half of the, uh, um...
Royalties? Yeah
No They go into the deceased's estate
Mmm That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it?
Unless, of course, you insured each other
Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?
You're right We shouldn't be talking about this now
It's not the time
Uh... Uh...
So, Mr Franklin, tell me, uh,
why do you think that they left your partner's body out there on the lawn like that?
Do you mean to tell me you haven't flgured that out?
Lieutenant, you disappoint me
It was left as a warning A warning?
Of course
It also proves my theory about it being a professional killing
See, the moment they dropped jim's body in the middle of that lawn...
Please, sit down
You know what they were saying?
That this could happen to you
unless you stop in your partner's research
- They're trying to scare you - Exactly
Right
So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna continue writing the book anyway?
No, that's the irony of it You see, that was Jim's pet project, not mine
[Chuckles] I wouldn't even know where to begin
Say, I guess they didn't have any way of knowing you two were gonna split up
Nah Even if they did, it wouldn't have doneJim any good
I must say, Lieutenant, you're up against a dead end
Look at this You got a body,
you got a motive,
but you're never gonna flnd that killer
It's not gonna be easy
I'll lay you 5 to 1 it was someone in Las Vegas or Miami
Picked up a phone and... pfft! ...put out a contract Right Right
How you're gonna make a case, much less solve one, is beyond me
I know I guess the only thing I can do isjust check out every name on that list
Sure You know what's gonna happen? Every one of those guys is gonna deny thatJim even existed
Right
I must say I don't envy you I don't envy myself
Now, look I got a lot of phone calls to make I'd better get on it, huh?
All the luck Thanks Thanks a lot, Mr Franklin
And listen I'm very sorry about what happened tonight
Thank you Right
You, uh...
You will keep me posted, Lieutenant? Oh, yes, I will Yeah
You know, there's only one thing that I'm not clear about
But that can wait You want to go to bed
Lieutenant, I'm not gonna get any sleep anyway What is it?
Would you go over for me once again... I know you did it...
exactly what happened when you came home tonight?
Sure l... I've already told you, but
[Sighs] the moment I saw Jim's body in the middle of the lawn,
I came running in here and I picked up the phone and I called you
I mean, it's a purely reflexive action
Uh-huh Right Uh-huh
Uh-huh That's flne Now, wait a minute You look like you're troubled
Is there some reason for your question?
Uh, it's your mail
My mail? Isn't it funny how people are different?
Now, me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters
But l-l... I just did it to distract myself
I mean, you got to remember one thing, that's a great shock
Yeah Oh, that's understandable
And bills are distracting Listen, if anything comes up,
I'll call you right away
Good night Good night
I'm gonna have a hot dog I guess I will too
No, no, Mr Tucker You put that away
This one's on me
May I have a receipt, please?
All right, Lieutenant You're bribing me with a handsome lunch
What can I do for you? Uh, this is about an insurance policy
Oh, excellent It's about time you came to me
I can give you a package within your... Yeah, this is, uh,
an insurance policy that was already written
Oh, this is offlcial business Uh, yeah Uh, there are two mystery writers...
Ken Franklin and James Ferris
Your company wrote a policy on them? Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant
We like to cooperate with the police, but
if you want confldential information, I'm afraid that you... Oh, well, look, uh,
I don't want to cause you any trouble
Maybe it'll be more helpful if I got a court order?
[Chattering]
[Chattering Continues]
Oh, Ken, it was simply marvelous I was terrifled
Oh, really? I had the whole thing flgured out by the end of the flrst act
Oh, you did? I was completely fooled
You must have a devious mind No, dear, it's because you're young
Always remember one thing, my love
The moment a man mentions a long-lost twin,
you can inevitably know that it's going to be some impersonation
It's an old plot trick
Mr Franklin! Yoo-hoo!
- Over here! - Who's that?
Someone that should be somewhere else
[Man] No, we go this way Excuse me a moment
Miss La Sanka, what a pleasant surprise Hi [Giggling]
What brings you to the big city? Oh, I came in to do a little shopping
You... You like my dress? Oh, it's lovely
See a play [Laughs]
She's a beauty, Mr Franklin
Yes, she is Uh, thank you
I haven't seen her before have I?
No, I don't believe you have
Well, it's... it's lovely to see you I, uh,
hope you won't think I'm being forward, [Chuckles]
but is there any chance of, uh, our having a drink together?
Oh, I'd... I'd love to, really But, uh...
See, the young lady and I are going to have a late supper
I think you might want to cancel it
- Just why would I want to do that? - Because
we really should have a discussion [Chuckles]
Perhaps some other time All right l...
I suppose I'll have to flnd someone else to tell my story to [Chuckles]
It's a mystery story
Very interesting Really
It's all about this witness [Chuckles]
just wait here I'll be right back
Anything you say, Mr Franklin
[Piano]
[Laughing]
Oh, wow!
Oh, I just can't resist strawberries
Oh, I'm glad you like them
[Giggling]
[Giggling Continues] You're...
You're making me nervous
That's quite a stare I'm sorry I-I can't help it
You know, I've never seen you outside that store before
You're very lovely
May I call you Lili? Yes, please do [Giggles]
How did you enjoy the play tonight? Oh, I thought it was predictable You?
Oh, I like your books much more That's very flattering
But you said something before about, uh,
about your story or something about a... a witness
Oh, yes Well, actually,
it's a, uh, true-to-life story
Oh, the best kind [Giggles]
It concerns your partner jim?
Uh-huh What about him?
Well, I read in the papers about his death,
and I felt just terrible Thank you
I felt just terrible, because they said he was killed in his offlce
So they did Well,
in my story, you see,
he couldn't have actually been killed in an offlce,
because he was, uh,
somewhere else
just for a moment, let's forget about your story,
and let's, uh... let's talk about real life
[Chuckles] It is simpler, isn't it? Much
I'll tell you honestly, Ken
I was very confused when I saw the papers, because,
when you were in my store making a phone call the other day, Uh-huh
I wandered over to the side window to see
if you had brought a lady with you [Giggles]
You didn't believe me when I said that I was alone Oh, I believed you It's just that
I'm very interested in you, Ken
[Giggles] Well, anyway,
you can imagine my surprise when I saw your partner
There he was, big as life,
sitting there in the front seat of your car
And that disturbed you, huh? Oh, not at that time
Only later
And then I debated with myself for days
whether to come and see you or not
Why didn't you go to the police? Oh, Ken
I wouldn't want to get you into trouble [Giggling]
Of course not [Snorting Chuckle] All right, Lili How much?
[Laughs] I hope you don't think that that's the on...
Oh, no, no, no I don't think anything
I'll tell you something I'm most grateful you came to me flrst
Know why? Because I think we can reach an equitable agreement
I do so admire your candor
This isn't easy for me... a widow running a
small country store, trying to make ends meet Oh, I can understand that
And I also recognize in you a woman of... of some breeding
I mean, you're not just a common blackmailer
I'm so glad you're understanding
Very well, Lili
How much for your silence?
$15,OOO? l... [Plate Clattering]
Oh! I-I know it's a lot, but that's all I'll ever ask for Honestly
- And I'm a woman of my word! - I know you are, and I respect you for that
And you know what?
In that spirit, I accept your terms Agreed?
[Relieved Chuckle] Agreed
[Chuckles] And I know you won't take offense when I say,
"lt's a pleasure doing business with you"
No, no My pleasure [Chuckles]
[Both Chuckling]
- [Chuckling Continues] - [Doorbell Chiming]
Yes? Is Mr Franklin home?
He's occupied at the moment Who shall I say is calling?
Uh, Lt Columbo Oh Well, won't you come in and wait?
Thank you He'll be with you shortly
[Camera Shutter Clicking] [Man] Only a few more
Thanks muchly, Mr Franklin I think we're about flnished,
if you can bear one or two more photographs Fire away
After all, your magazine was very kind to Franklin and Ferris during our lean years
That's, uh, the second reason I granted the interview Oh? What was the flrst?
- Why, the charm of the interviewer, of course - Thank you
- [Thump] - [Shutter Clicks]
Yes, Lieutenant Is there something I can do for you?
Oh, yeah lf-lf you... If you have a moment
That's about all I do have
As soon as I flnish here, I'll be right with you
Is there anything else, Miss, uh... May I call you Gloria? Please do
Uh, just one last question
I think our readers will want to know how the death of your partner will affect the Mrs Melville books
I'm afraid when I buried Jim I buried Mrs Melville with him
Mmm, I understand
But everyone will miss her so Can't you write another one?
Oh, I could, naturally, but what's the point?
With Jim gone, there [Smacks Lips] wouldn't be much reason
No, I'm afraid, uh, Mrs Melville has solved her last case
Actually, I've been seriously debating as to whether I would ever want to write again
Oh, well, I hope you do Thank you That's very kind of you
Now, if you don't mind, huh? Of course Let's go Harvey
Perhaps, under better circumstances, I, uh...
less harassed circumstances... I could give you a more detailed interview
- Even in more depth - Mmm, that'll be nice
Shall I call you? Yes Please do Next week, huh?
Good-bye
Oh, sorry, Harvey Thanks, very much Thank you
All right, Lieutenant What can I do for you?
Well, I brought back your books
Well, that's flne Just put 'em over there on the table
Yeah Uh, sure I wanted to tell ya how much I enjoyed 'em
I think they're the most terriflc... Boy, I wanna...
And... Oh, listen, I'll come back I'll make two trips on this
But the... the lady detective... What a character, what a brain
And what logic The way she flgures it out Lieutenant
I'd love to sit down and discuss literature with you, but I was on my way out
Oh Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't mean to bother ya Uh, you goin' someplace special?
Yes, as a matter of fact I'm on my way down to my cabin for a rest
- Would you like an itinerary? - Hey, I'm sorry
- I'm makin' a pest of myself - No
Yes, yes, I am I know, it's because I keep askin' these questions
But I'll tell ya I can't help myself
It's a habit I take it you're not goin' alone
- Whatever gave that idea? - I noticed the two bottles of champagne
Oh, those Oh, I'm quite capable of drinking those two bottles
and a good deal more without any help
Now, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant
Yeah Uh, listen Unless you just wanna take a second
to know how we're progressin' on your partner's list
Oh? Anything concrete?
No, not a thing just like you predicted
Everyone said they never even heard ofJames Ferris
[Smacks Lips] That's just as I expected
Well, it was lovely to chat with you, Lieutenant
Oh, Mr Franklin? Do you have a minute? Yeah
Is it important? Well, it could be You see, I was checking the, uh,
the phone company records in San Diego
Now, why would you want to do that, Lieutenant?
Oh, well, I have to do that You know, that's part of my job I got to tie up all those loose ends
Anyway, on the day of the murder
there was a record of a call from the cabin
It was a call to the Ferris house in Los Angeles
I see And now you're wondering whether I can explain that Is that right?
Oh, I'm sure you can Oh, you're right I can
But, you see, you would've saved both you and me a great deal of trouble
if you'd checked with Joanna Ferris flrst
She would've explained to you that I'd spoken with her from my cabin,
telling her thatJim and I had patched up our differences
Oh, what do you mean by "differences"? Uh...
Well, you see, ironing out any difflculties in a separation is never easy
And I knew Joanna would be concerned, and I wanted to put her mind at ease
Oh, I see Can you understand that?
Oh, yes Yeah, that's understandable Oh, yeah Yeah Oh, flne Is that all?
Yes, that's all Right Good
[Snickers] Listen, uh, enjoy your trip
Thanks very much
And drive carefully [Engine Starts]
Don't worry, Lieutenant You can count on it
And here you are! [Laughs]
Bearing gifts
And more gifts Why, Mr Franklin, how lovely [Chuckles]
Ken Yes, of course Ken
Now, Lili, let me ask you a simple question
You up to making a nice, quiet dinner for two tonight?
[Orchestra. Romantic] Here's to prosperity
And romance
[Both Chuckling]
A daily double [Laughing]
Oh, I must say, Lili, that was a magniflcent meal
Where'd you learn to cook so well?
My late husband, may he rest in peace,
was a professional chef
Wonderful man [Chuckles]
He taught me all I know Well, he taught you well
Thank you, sir
Reflll? Oh, sorry
Oop! We're all out [Laughs]
Let's open another one Dare we?
Dare we not?
Mm-hmm!
Here we go Happy New Year! [Cork Pops]
[Both Laughing] Quick, the glass
[Laughing Continues]
Oh! Mmm!
Delicious!
But I'm afraid I'm getting a little tipsy
What's wrong with that?
[Slurred] I don't know if I can trust you
Now, is there any reason not to?
Lili, if I make you uncomfortable, I can always leave
No Please I do enjoy your company
You know what we should do? What?
It's such a beautiful night, we should
row out to the center of the lake and
go for a swim Mmm Sounds nice
Mmm Is nice Shall we?
Better not Why not?
I trust you, Ken Really
But we all have our dark sides, don't we?
just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat
After all, you might start having second thoughts about the money
I wish you hadn't said that, Lili
That kind of talk hurts me deeply
I'm gonna tell you something, and I shouldn't
But I'll tell you why, because I trust you
I was prepared to give you considerably more than you asked for
Fifteen thousand... I mean, I've lost that much gambling in one night
Well, it certainly is a great deal of money to me
What do you think you'll, uh... you'll do with all of it?
I don't know Put it in the bank, I guess
But not right away
Ohh! I just want to look at it for awhile [Chuckles]
[Continues]
Better be careful
Someone might, uh, rob you
I'll just keep it for a day or two
I've never seen so much money in my life
Uh,
maybe... maybe you could take a... a trip somewhere, huh?
I may I've always wanted to go on a cruise
Oh, cruises, they're so romantic
Did I tell you that my late husband was in the merchant marines?
Is that a fact? Mmm
They're the ones who taught him how to cook
I almost wish he were here now
He could share this with me
Or maybe we can do the next best thing
[No Audio]
Who did you say it is? One of the cops said it was a local woman
Some kind of drowning
[Woman On Police Radio] Twelve A-15, clear Twelve A-1 7, are you clear?
Twelve A-1, clear Twelve A-15, stand by
One L-10, MPs have been notifled
[Whistling]
[Stops]
Mornin'!
Well, Lt Columbo I must say, you turn up at the oddest times, don't you?
Listen, I hope you don't mind my comin' in that way, you know
But the door was open, and I just let myself in Oh, no
How'd you get here? By magic carpet? I didn't see your car outside
Oh, no I pulled around back, and I put it in the shade
You know, the sun raises hell with the paint Oh, sensible
Well, what brings you up here to the wilds?
Well, I'll tell ya I heard you and Mrs Ferris talk so much about this place,
and you made it sound so terriflc, and believe me, uh,
you weren't exaggerating, because
this is magniflcent
And, uh, since I got a two-week vacation comin' up,
I said to myself, "Go on down there, check out the area, look to see Mmm
Maybe you can rent a cabin"
Lieutenant, you're not gonna tell me you drove down here just to look for a vacation spot, are you?
Why else would I come? You're wasting your time
I have a feeling that cabins in this neck of the woods are pretty much out of your price range, anyway
Most of them are... are rented for the season
Oh, gee whiz, that's... that's too bad
Gosh, my wife is gonna be disappointed
Well, it was a nice ride, anyhow Yes, a lovely drive
Except for that bottleneck down the road What was that all about?
Oh, there was a drowning Well, what was it, a flsherman?
Well, I heard someone say it was a local woman
Uh, a Miss La Sanka or something like that? Something like that, yeah
Yeah Did you know her? Not really, no
I was just wondering, because, when I was in the kitchen before,
I noticed a grocery box with her name on it
Oh, I occasionally buy supplies there, sure, like anyone else who lives around here
Uh-huh I think she was the one that drowned Yeah
'Cause I, uh, stopped by the grocery store on the way here to pick up some cigars,
and I noticed it was closed and the cops'cars around
Well, if it was her, l... I'd be very sorry
She was always very friendly Yeah, that's a shame
Mm-hmm [Sucks Teeth] Oh, you did know her
Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them
You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants,
even the cop on the beat
Don't you? Yeah [Chuckling] Yeah, I do, matter of fact
I'll tell you, though People are strange
You know, I can't flgure 'em out Why a woman goes out on a lake all by herself
before the light comes up Oh, there's nothing unusual about that
A lot of us go out early
It's peaceful and kind of makes you feel like you're
plugged into nature Mmm
Know what I mean? Yeah Yeah
Well, say, listen Look, you came down here
to get away from things, and I'm just takin' up your time
I didn't mean to bother you No, no, no It's no bother at all
Say, I'd be more than glad to let you have a bathing suit,
but, uh, you don't look like the athletic type to me
Well, it's, uh, my wife that's the athlete
Oh? Yeah
So, you don't think I'm gonna be able to flnd a cabin to rent, huh? Mmm
Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people Uh-huh
Because I think it'd be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks [Chuckles]
[Laughs] Y-Yeah Say, what kind of nightlife do you have around here?
Nightlife? None
No partying? just sleep and crickets
Gee, I was just wonderin', because,
you know, I didn't want to barge in on you today unannounced
I don't follow you No, last night I called to tell ya that I was comin'
But there was no one at home
[Woman On Police Radio, Indistinct]
Uh, you a reporter?
Uh, no, uh...
Uh, Lieutenant, uh, Columbo,
uh, police
LA unit All right
LAPD Yeah
What brings you down here, Lieutenant? Well, I'm workin' on a case
Uh, listen, this is not really my jurisdiction,
but do... do ya mind if I browse around?
Well, help yourself, Lieutenant Always glad to cooperate
[Reporter] Didn't she have a bruise on her head?
[Man] How'd you know that, Ben? Oh, come on, Sergeant Doc Webster told us
All right, so there was a bruise Probably as a result of the boat capsizing and rendering her unconscious
Any indication the lady was under the influence?
I can't ascertain that until we see an autopsy report
The doctor's working on that right now
[Reporter #1] Sounds like drinkin'to me [Reporter #2] Could she swim?
[Sergeant] How would I know a thing like that? I wasn't married to the lady
[Reporter #3] Any living relatives? I don't think so Somebody said she was a widow
[Reporter #3] How about the rowboat? Rowboat? What about it?
Well, who'd it belong to? Where'd it come from? It belonged to the deceased
I've got witnesses that have seen her take it out on the lake
[Voices Continue, Indistinct]
[Reporter #1] Think she wanted some fresh air last night?
[Sergeant] This is all conjecture, gentlemen I mean, there's no way of telling
Maybe she did Who knows?
It's also possible that she had a heart seizure or she got dizzy
[Reporter #3] Then you think it was an accident I certainly don't think it was foul play
You gonna be in your offlce this afternoon? [Sergeant] Absolutely
[Reporter #1] How long was she in the water, Sergeant? Oh, I don't know
Wait'll we get the report We're startin'to cover the same old ground here, gentlemen
Now, why don't you meet me in my offlce an hour from now
Well, we've got some more questions here we'd like to... I'll answer 'em all then
I'll have the reports, and I'll be able to give a lot more information Okay? Okay, Sarge, thank you
[Columbo Reading]
- I still don't know what this means - It means that he knew her
It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said
It means that he knew her reasonably well All right
You've got a romantic inscription in a book and a champagne cork
Now, what does that prove? By itself, it doesn't prove anything
But once you assume that Franklin committed these crimes,
everything flts together I just can't believe it
I've known Ken too long He's not a murderer
Mrs Ferris, it wouldn't make a difference if you knew him for a hundred years
That wouldn't change anything This man, Franklin, took your husband's life!
Do you have a match?
Help yourself I don't smoke
It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant! Ken has an alibi
What's his motive?
I told ya how he could've worked the phone
Now, his motive is the insurance money He needed cash
He spent money like a drunken sailor He had two houses
He's got paintings He's got women
He's got...
What?
"Jack and Jill went up the hill
"Did Jack killJill?
If so, flnd out why"
jim One of his story ideas
Oh
Lieutenant, if Ken killed my husband,
then why did he murder Miss La Sanka?
Well, it's my hunch that she knew something
Maybe she saw them together, and she tried to blackmail him
But that's pure guesswork, isn't it? No, ma'am, it's not Not quite
I checked the bank Yesterday, he took out $15,OOO
Today, he put it back in again
Now, why in the world would he do that?
All right I'm still not convinced, but
let's say I'll go along
What happens now? I don't know
But I've got a pretty strong circumstantial case It's just not enough
If I had one piece of hard evidence, I could nail this fella
But you don't That's right, ma'am I don't That's why I'm here
Maybe you can give it to me Me?
You knew both of these fellas very well I want you to tell me about 'em
AnythingJust talk... whatever comes into your mind
Kind of like analysis without the couch
Would you like a little coffee flrst? That'd be flne
Okay
I don't know what you're looking for, but here goes
They met in a typewriter shop, of all places
jim had broken a key, and Ken needed a ribbon Does that help?
Yeah Keep goin'
Well, I told you lot aboutJim [Faucet Running]
He was brilliant, really He'd wake up in the middle of the night with ideas...always throwing off sparks
I remember he even did it on our honeymoon [Chuckles]
Funny thing is that Ken didn't even talk about the books
unless he was on television
This the truck's gonna move my stuff outta suite 8O3? Yeah
You almost flnished? Haven't started
- What do you mean, you haven't started? - I'm only the driver, mister
Ask the other two guys They've been in there a half an hour already
Half hour?
[Bell Chimes]
[Door Opens, Closes]
Columbo!
Oh Hiya, Mr Franklin
just flnishing up this last Melville mystery I didn't get a chance the other day
All right Now, what are you doin' here?
Why, I'm waiting for you I happened to be in the neighborhood
You're always in the neighborhood!
Can you tell me what right you've got to keep those movers out of this offlce?
Oh, listen, I'm sorry about that It's just...
You know what I thought? I thought you and I should talk alone
You and I have nothing to talk about Yes, we do, Mr Franklin We have somethin' to talk about
I'm here to arrest ya for the murder of your partner
What?
Now, it's my duty to inform you of your Constitutional rights... Oh, will you cut that drivel?
I've written that stuff so many times, I know it by heart
And what is this nonsense, you're gonna arrest me?
Come on, Mr Franklin Why don't you make a statement and save us both a lot of trouble?
You know, I've really got ya
All right, Lieutenant You got me I'm your prisoner Here
Clamp the irons on me
Do you wanna give me a dime flrst, so I can phone my attorney?
Because I promise you, I'm gonna sue you and your department
for false arrest and defamation of character
I kinda knew it right from the start
It was nothing deflnite It was a lot of little things
Little things...
driving back from San Diego on the day of the murder instead of taking a plane,
the open mail, never showing any genuine emotion for a man that you worked with for ten years...
[Laughs] With that, you know what they're gonna do?
They're gonna laugh you right outta court
But they're not gonna laugh at the insurance policy, are they?
I've got a photostatic copy of it here in my pocket
They gonna laugh at the fact that you withdrew $15,OOO, put it back the next day?
I've got the book that you gave to Miss La Sanka with your signature in it
You expect to get a true bill of indictment on that trivia?
Come on, Lieutenant
I was down in San Diego So was your partner
That's a provocative statement Can you prove that?
Yes
Not with the witness, 'cause you killed the witness But I got another way to prove it
Well, you enlighten me I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand
You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth
For a while there, I never thought I was gonna get you
Believe me, you had me goin' in such circles
I couldn't flgure it out Suddenly, I thought of something...
how clever that flrst murder was...
the phone gimmick, working late in the offlce
Brilliant Oh, are you awarding gold medals today?
Yes! For the flrst one, not for the second one That was sloppy
Mrs Melville, she'd have been very disappointed
Oh, come on, get to the climax, Lieutenant
You're talking to a writer Am I? That's not what I heard
And that's the key: that you're not a writer
When Mrs Ferris told me that you didn't contribute to the writing,
that her husband did all the work,
That's a lie I had to say to myself,
"How could a man with no talent for mysteries make up such a clever murder? "
If you were that ingenious, you'd be able to write your own books
Go ahead I'm fascinated, as boring as it may be
Then I got it
The flrst one... the clever one... that wasn't yours
The second one... the sloppy one... that was yours
- But not the flrst - Oh?
And whose idea was that, then?
Your partner's Had to be
And his wife told me how conscientious he was
You know, the way he used to write down his ideas on every odd scrap of paper, backs of matches, whatever...
Ahh, ah So that's why you wouldn't let the movers in
Well, I had to rummage around here before they emptied everything out
Is this your partner's handwriting?
Well, I think I can prove it is Maybe I ought to read this to ya
"ldea for a Melville book... perfect alibi
"'A' wants to kill 'B' Drives 'B' to a remote house
"and has him call his wife in city
Tells her he's working late at the offlce Bang, bang"
Sound familiar? That's the part you used,
practically word-for-word
Should I read some more?
No [Door Opening, Closing] Offlcer
With this, I think I got a conviction, don't you?
You got to admit I had you goin' for awhile though, didn't I?
Yes, you did
[Snickers] You wanna know the irony of all of this?
That is my idea,
the only really good one I ever had
I must've told it toJim over flve years ago
[Chuckles]
Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?
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