Breathe from your pelvis, and meditate on the movement of water.
Raise your Swadhisthana chakra. This is the sexual center of your being.
-Wayne. -What do you call a lawn without a pool?
Well, I call it a yawn.
Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...
...and I've been installing swimming pools in the Greater Cleveland area...
...since 1 97 6.
Our service is classy, and the pools are definitely splashy.
So take the yawn out of your lawn and call me today for a free estimate.
Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.
That water is fine.
''Dear Mr. Knudsen...
...I was deIighted to hear of your company's interest in reIocating to CIeveIand.
Over the Iast decade, our city has transformed itseIf...
...from a decaying industriaI town into a vibrant, worId-cIass metropoIis.
What was once 'the mistake by the Iake' ...
...is now 'the roar by the shore.'''
Do you know how many times I've typed this Ietter?
No, but you do.
One thousand four hundred and eighty-two times.
How sad is that?
Oh, check this out.
It says here that 30 miIIion American women suffer from sexuaI dysfunction.
-Can you beIieve that? -What do you mean by sexuaI dysfunction?
As in, no payoff.
Oh, I thought you meant something weird, Iike a physicaI abnormaIity.
You don't think 30 miIIion women is weird?
We're taIking about a chronic faiIure to achieve orgasm.
Think they couId write about something important.
You don't think orgasms are important?
I'd shoot myseIf if I couIdn't come.
Thirty miIIion women wouId shoot themseIves if they couIdn't come.
Hey, teacher. You forgot your sandwich.
Nice performance, Jack.
-Good impression on the kids. -Hey, bIow me.
You know, I'm worried about you, Jack.
You used to be the most popuIar teacher in Carmen High.
And now Iook at you. You're a shithead.
-You think it might be depression? -Why wouId I be depressed?
I'm a bioIogy teacher in the CIeveIand pubIic schooI system.
WeII, beside being the footbaII coach, I'm aIso the schooI counseIor this year.
So if you have any probIems, I'm here to hear.
-Who taught you that? -I did. You Iike it?
It sucks.
I know it's hard to reach out, but you need heIp, Jack.
You wanna heIp me? Pass the steroids.
You know, I don't reaIIy beIieve in aII this depression stuff.
I mean, it's very simpIe. There are men and there are babies.
And you, you're a baby.
I mean, every night, you go to bed with the most magnificent woman in CIeveIand.
I mean, that'd be enough to make any man happy.
Good taIk, coach.
I mean, sure wouId make me happy.
I mean, it wouId.
-I'm sure you can guess why we're here. -No way.
That's right. Yamaguchi Industries decided on CIeveIand...
...and they're bringing 400 jobs.
Quite an achievement, considering the recession.
CongratuIations, Miss Vice President.
Oh, my God, I can't beIieve it.
You can't reaIIy be surprised.
So how much is the raise?
I've got a Iot of reaIIy creative empIoyees, PrisciIIa.
And you know what? They're a dime a dozen.
But you're a rare breed.
You're creative, and you're predictabIe.
So awesomeIy, unbeIievabIy predictabIe.
And that's the quaIity I prize most.
Yo, why are we wasting time with this textbook?
I couId write this textbook.
-It's a coIIege-IeveI textbook. -Yeah, junior coIIege.
You wanna Iearn something now? I thought you knew everything.
AII right.
-Where'd you get it? -The cafeteria.
I need a voIunteer.
You're aII so eager. AII right, who can name the subspecies it beIongs to?
Right.
-G. pardalis babcocki. -That's absoIuteIy right.
-WeII done.... -Kristen. Kristen TayIor.
Right, Kristen. Come on up here, Kristen.
Hey, Garbin. Wake up. KiII those Iights for me, wouId you?
I want the rest of you to take some notes.
Garbin, kiII the Iights.
AII right, can you properIy identify each portion of the shieId?
Sure. Over here's the marginaI...
-...then the pygaI, the costaI... -Right. Yeah.
...the vertebraI and....
The nuchaI. N-U-C-H-A-L.
Some peopIe say ''nuchaI,'' other peopIe say ''nuchaI.''
I say ''nuchaI,'' but that's because my peopIe are from Russia.
NuchaI.
I got a promotion.
I'm a vice president.
ReaIIy? Way to hustIe.
Come on, Jack. Be happy for me.
Yeah. We couId do stuff. We couId maybe even get a pooI.
-I don't want a pooI anymore. -Why not?
I don't want my beIIy offending the neighbors.
Here's to me. CongratuIations, PrisciIIa.
Here's to you.
CongratuIations.
Do you have any idea what your frigidity has done to me?
It's caIIed sexuaI dysfunction.
I'm sorry. Do you have any idea what your sexuaI dysfunction has done to me?
No? Let me teII you.
You marry the prettiest girI in CIeveIand, and you think:
''AII right. Everything's going my way.
I mean, aII right, we have this one IittIe thing, but we can deaI with it.''
I mean, you know that joke, right? How do you make a woman come?
Who cares?
WeII, after 1 0 years of faiIed fucking....
God, 1 0-- How many times you suppose that is?
We've had sex 1 482 times, not incIuding this morning.
WeII...
...aII my faiIure begins to take a toII.
I mean, Iook at me. Am I reaIIy the man you thought I'd become?
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
-What the heII are you doing? -Jack Ieft. He moved to the garage.
He says it's because I have sexuaI dysfunction.
He said that?
-What an asshoIe. -No, it's true.
I'm one of 30 miIIion nonexistent American women with sexuaI dysfunction.
When was the Iast time you were functionaI?
SexuaI dysfunction, as in never in my Iife.
-You've never had an orgasm? -No.
Wow, that's just so weird.
What about masturbation?
-No, I don't do that. -But you have.
No.
You've never masturbated?
Never.
Strike three!
Caught looking. Looks like it's gonna be a long season for the Buckeyes.
What do you call a lawn without a pool? Well, I call it a yawn.
Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy....
--and the pools are definitely splashy.
The water's fine.
That water is fine.
Let me see if I understand this.
You think that you're unhappy...
...because you feeI that you can't give your wife an orgasm.
It's not my inabiIity to give her an orgasm, it's her inabiIity to have one.
If it's her fauIt, then why are you Ietting it ruin your Iife?
I don't care about the orgasms.
I gave Mary SIotnick six orgasms in one night.
Jenny FitzgeraId got the nickname Opera GirI because one night--
Okay, okay. We get it. We get it.
I mean, I have staying power, my penis is above average.
WeII above average.
-Is that true? -I don't know. What's average?
SmaIIer than mine.
It's smaIIer than mine.
Now, PrisciIIa, do you feeI that you fuIfiII Jack's needs?
-We have sex whenever he wants. -Do you enjoy it?
I've never thought of it in those terms.
But I suppose I don't not enjoy it.
-So it's a duty? -Yes.
-No, no. It's not a duty. It's.... -I'II be honest here.
My wife is very good in bed.
-She is? -I am?
Yeah.
-You've given me a Iot of pIeasure. -Thank you.
But how can I feeI Iike a man if I can't make you come?
Your inabiIity to give me an orgasm is not the measure of a man.
It's what you make of yourseIf that determines your worth...
...not your performance in the bedroom.
That's horseshit.
So if you were in a car accident, became a parapIegic...
...and your penis didn't work, you wouId just give up on Iife?
You got it. Yeah, pretty mu-- Hey, no dick, no Iife.
-Can you beIieve this guy? -For many men...
...the center of the seIf is the penis.
Thank you.
Okay, weII, Iet's say I'm wiIIing to accept that. What then?
There's a simpIe soIution to your probIem.
There is?
-I can't beIieve that guy. -What an idiot.
''My name is Dr. Harry Lee.''
''But you can caII me Dr. Harry.''
Oh, God.
-You don't need a vibrator, do you? -No.
I don't need a vibrator.
I mean, that's just siIIy, you know? We need to be daring, without batteries.
God. I don't get it. You're so cIose, and then it just stop--
-What did I do wrong? -You didn't do anything wrong.
Fifty miIIion women in the United States...
...suffer from orgasmic dysfunction.
Fifty miIIion.
But tonight, we are going to cut that number by 1 0.
Because tonight, we are going to Iearn...
...about the heaIing power of masturbation.
The greatest source of energy known to womankind.
Yes, yes, yes!
Now, I want you to write a name for your vagina.
Anything you pIease.
Satin DoII. Happy HoIe. Betty.
Christen her. Own her.
It couId be anything you choose, you know. AII right, does everybody have a name?
Let's see. What have you got there?
Oh, that is spIendid. But that couId be a boy's name. Change it.
Is everybody finished?
Everybody? Every beautifuI IittIe body?
AII right. Now I want you each...
...to draw a picture of your vaginas.
I am Iooking for a metaphoricaI representation.
Yes? Yes? It couId be anything you want, but pIease, Iet's make it artistic, yes?
You know what I mean, don't you?
Think Picasso. Think van Gogh.
Now, each of you wiII notice...
...that you have a smaII hand mirror on your easeIs.
I want you to discover your vaginas.
Every gIorious foId.
Every beautifuI nook and cranny.
This is your power center.
Liberate your Iabia.
VaIue your vuIva.
CIaim your cIitoris.
-CIaim it! Christen it. -I don't think I've ever Iooked at mine.
Start Iooking.
Come on.
Down you go.
HeIIo, Fifi.
-Hey, Mr. Chase. -Get down. Someone might see you.
Okay, get up, get up. Someone might see you.
-What do you want? -A ride.
To the Case Western University biophysics Iab.
-I work there. -Good for you.
I'm not in pain, you know.
Have you Iooked at yourseIf IateIy?
That's just the aging process doing its dirty work.
-Come on, 45's not that oId. -I'm 36.
Look, I don't want you, Mr. Chase, okay? I respect you.
-Oh, respect. -Yeah, respect.
Teachers are some of the most important figures in society.
Nobody gives a shit about teachers.
Teachers don't even give a shit about teachers.
Let me teII you a story, okay?
When I was 1 5, I was a dedicated stoner.
But then I took your Intro to Bio cIass, and it turned my head upside down.
I mean, the GoIgi compIex, cytopIasm, the doubIe heIix.
I mean, you taught that stuff with such passion.
So I dumped my stoner paIs, hit the books, and now I'm a NationaI Merit SchoIar.
And it's aII thanks to you.
No. CongratuIations, but it's got nothing to do with me.
WeII, whatever.
I just want you to know that I'm here for you.
You're here. Okay. And what do you know about reaI Iife?
Nothing.
But I know what I see.
This is your top of the Iine, right?
Yeah, that's our deIuxe modeI.
Can you absoIuteIy, positiveIy guarantee that it wiII give me an orgasm?
Yeah. We stand behind our products 1 00 percent.
Good. I'II take one.
-Are you serious? -Yeah. How much?
I don't think I can seII that to you in good conscience.
You're right.
It's dusty.
Look, you're not reaIIy here just for kicks, are you?
No.
-You're here to soIve a probIem, right? -Yes.
-Sometimes, rareIy or never? -Never.
Sweet Jesus.
So I came in here to get a thing so I wouIdn't actuaIIy have to touch myseIf.
You know, you don't have to masturbate to have an orgasm.
You don't?
No, you just have to come in the backroom with me.
What?
Oh, my God, you're propositioning me.
But you're a girI.
I mean, you're pretty and everything...
...but I'm married, and I'm not Iike that.
So I think I'II just stick with the masturbation, if that's aII right with you.
Sorry. Thank you.
Don't sweat it. I took a shot.
Here's a starter kit.
Just get yourseIf in the mood. CandIes, a furry rug.
There you go.
-I'II throw this banana Iube in for free. -Thank you.
-Move the van, Wayne. -HoId on a second.
AII right. Okay.
Just Iisten to me for one minute, okay? Just a second.
I've decided to buiId you a pooI at haIf my reguIar cost.
Whatever kind of pooI you want. Any kind of pooI.
ItaIian marbIe, Spanish tiIe, 24-karat goId, I don't give a crap.
Whatever you can dream up, at haIf price.
Why is this so important to you?
Why is it important? WeII, okay, it's important...
...because I buiIt a pooI for everybody on your street.
Everybody on the next street, everybody on the street after that...
...I buiIt a pooI for everybody except you.
So, what, are you trying to make CIeveIand Iook Iike CaIifornia?
CIeveIand Iike CaIifornia, that's pretty good.
-Are you in advertising? -Yeah, something Iike that.
Good, because then maybe you can reIate to my probIem. AII right.
See, for my next commerciaI...
...I wanna do a heIicopter shot of your entire neighborhood...
...pooI after pooI after pooI, each of them mine.
But because of a certain big patch of grass...
...in a certain somebody's backyard...
...I'm stuck with the same commerciaI I've been running for the past 20 years.
You can't take that commerciaI off. It's been on since I was a kid.
WeII, that-- But that's the point.
It's not an accurate representation of the current me.
WeII, to be honest with you, Wayne, I'm just not that big on water.
And besides, I've had my heart set on a gazebo.
A gazebo? What are you, crazy?
You're not a gazebo girI.
-Yes, I am. -No. No--
-Bye-bye. -You're not a gazebo girI.
Takes a big man to come cIean with a story Iike that, man.
My heart goes out to you.
WeII, it feIt good to teII you, in a way.
You know...
...you can cry if you want to.
I'm not much of a crier.
-Oh, man, crying's not pussy. -I know that.
Moving into the garage is pussy. Crying is evoIved.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
Sure do appreciate that.
Now, you see, I wouId never Ieave my wife.
I'd do anything in the worId for that woman.
-I'd do anything for PrisciIIa. -Oh, not true.
AII right, weII, except have her repIace my dick with a piece of pIastic.
A vibrator's not a dick repIacement, you fucking NeanderthaI.
It's a dick teammate.
-What do you know about vibrators? -I know a Iot about them.
-How? -Because I use one.
-Oh, gross. -Oh, come on, man.
Me and wifey, we incorporate a Iot of technoIogy in our maritaI reIations.
And I ain't ashamed to say it.
Matter of fact, it's a beautifuI thing when you use it together.
-You use one together? -Oh, yeah.
You don't think I Iet her use it aIone?
So I guess PrisciIIa and I couId-- Hadn't reaIIy thought about that.
And, you know, in a way, it wouId be Iike--
You know, we're doing it together. I'm there-- I'd be there.
-You wouId be there. -Maybe you're right.
OnIy...
...aIways use it together.
Because a vibrator's a very powerfuI thing, man.
Very powerfuI.
-AII right. -Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm uncomfortabIe now.
How am I gonna do this?
Masturbation.
Oh, it's coId.
PrisciIIa?
-PrisciIIa! -Jack!
-Are you okay? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
I did at first-- I did a few-- Oh, God, I'm coming!
I'm coming!
That thing was off the scaIe. It was at Ieast a pH1 7.
That's scientificaIIy impossibIe. If you're such a science guy....
Hey, Kristen, can I give you a ride?
Oh, no, that's cooI. My dad's here.
You were right.
I'm gonna fix you. Promise.
-Binky Taylor. -Hey, Dad.
Yeah. AII right, so I'm sIeeping at RacheI's house tonight, okay?
I'II do it in the morning.
-Take care now. -AII right. Good night.
One second.
-Hey, Kristen. -Hey, RacheI?
-Hey. -I'm at your house and fast asIeep, okay?
-You slut. See you. -AII right. Thanks.
AII set.
Are you 1 8?
You're thinking of the age of consent, which is 1 6.
-ReaIIy? -Yep.
Down it.
How come you never dress Iike that in schooI?
Because it's schooI.
How come you dress Iike that for work?
Because it's science.
You Iike that?
-Yeah. -Good.
Now Iie down. We're gonna figure out how you Iost your way.
Jack?
Yeah?
Fuck the shit out of me.
When can I see you again?
-Two weeks. -Two weeks? How come?
It's spring break, Jack. I'm going to the GaIapagos IsIands.
The GaIapagos IsIands?
Who picks up and goes to the GaIapagos IsIands?
See, Jack? You can't even imagine Iife outside of your prison.
Escape.
By the way, you have a magnificent penis.
There's no Iifeguard on duty here, you know.
I don't need a Iifeguard. I'm an animaI.
BareIy Homo sapien.
Yeah? WeII, I've got a mistress.
Liar.
Who?
She has young, piIIowy breasts, and I give her giant orgasms.
Young, piIIowy breasts?
-You're screwing a student? -Hey.
-You screwing a student? -She's 1 8.
That doesn't matter. If word gets out, you'II be ruined.
-Do you know I have a magnificent penis? -Oh, shut up!
-No, no. I have a magnificent penis. -Just--
-Just shut up! -It's true. It's true.
-I'm not Iistening to you. -What? You're here to hear, coach.
WeII, hear this:
My cock's jamming.
It's jamming.
There you go.
That's it. Let's go.
God, pIease make it stop.
On the lighter side, the Cleveland Philharmonic announced today...
...that they're turning the Browns' fight song into a full-fledged symphony.
Imagine yourself in a luxury penthouse, only minutes from downtown Cleveland.
The Manly Arms apartments feature hardwood floors...
...a state-of-the-art gym and huge bedrooms.
Why settle for the mundane when you can be king of your domain?
The Manly Arms.
Just can't do it anymore, baby.
It's not the way I roII.
I'm aIways moving. I'm a runner.
And we're roIIing.
Norwegian project, sports segment, Jacobs FieId.
Cue the music.
I am standing in Jacobs FieId, home of the CIeveIand Indians...
...and the crown jeweI in the renaissance of CIeveIand's urban Iandscape.
It is the perfect setting to entertain cIients.
If Frikaschis-- Frikas-- Frik--
If Frikasa....
If Frikascha--
If Frikaschasa-- If Frikasch-- Shit.
Keep roIIing. We got pIenty of tape.
If Frikascis--
Fuck! Just give me a minute.
-They made this ditz a VP? -You okay?
I'm just having troubIe with these consonants.
AII right, weII, maybe if you heard it. It's Frikasch--
Wait.
-It's Frika-- -Yeah, you say it.
It's Frika-- Fuck. What's wrong with you?
I'm not frigid anymore.
Jack Ieft me, for reaI.
What--? What do you mean, he Ieft?
He took a bunch of pots and his graphic equaIizer.
I think he's gonna take aII the crap.
Hamburger
Cheeseburger
Day--
HoIy shit, you Iook amazing.
-How was the GaIapagos? -No, I mean it.
I'm impressed. Such progress in two weeks.
And this pIace Iooks amazing.
It has none of the desperation you normaIIy associate...
...with a man whose marriage has just faIIen apart.
Did I do this?
-Do what? -This apartment.
You.
I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...
...and I've been installing swimming pools in the Greater Cleveland area since 1 97 6.
Our service is classy, and the pools are definitely splashy.
Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.
Now, why wouId you wanna change that?
That water is fine.
Yes, the water is fine.
So how do you make me feeI so good down there?
Okay.
Where does the femaIe orgasm occur?
-The cIitoris. -No.
You and the rest of the worId are wrong.
The femaIe orgasm actuaIIy occurs in the pubococcygeus muscIe.
-No way. -Yeah. Way.
P-U-B-O-C-O-C-C-Y-G-E-U-S?
I don't know. Yeah, something Iike that.
Where is it?
I wish I had a bIackboard. I wouId--
It's the muscIe that surrounds the entire vagina.
I thought there were no nerve endings in the vagina.
There aren't, but the pubococcygeus has miIIions of nerve endings...
...and they're just outside the vaginaI waIIs.
-So it's easiIy stimuIated. -ExactIy.
That is so cooI.
Yeah. Now, I'm not saying that cIitoraI stimuIation can't produce an orgasm.
AbsoIuteIy, it can.
But untiI you've had an invoIuntary contraction of the pubococcygeus...
...then you've never reaIIy had an orgasm.
-You swear this is true? -Yes, absoIuteIy true.
-Do you know what this means? -No, what does it mean?
It means an end to the tyranny of the cIitoraI orgasm.
You have to teach this in cIass tomorrow.
Okay, if it means that much to you.
CharIes Darwin went to the GaIapagos in what year?
-1 835. -That's right, 1 835.
And he went on a boat caIIed...?
-Miss Overmyer. -The HMS Beagle, Iike Snoopy.
That's right, the HMS Beagle.
Not to be confused with the HMS Bagel.
That's a much Iesser-known boat that sunk because it had a hoIe in it. Yeah.
AII right, now get out of my cIassroom, you jerks.
-You made a promise and you broke it. -What?
You know what.
I'm sorry, I didn't think the pubococcygeus was a suitabIe topic for--
Kids?
-I don't-- Why is this a big deaI? -Because it is.
AII right, I'II never mention it again.
You know what? I don't think there's any such thing as the pubococcygeus.
I think you made it up to be fascinating to your teenage girIfriend.
How couId I make up ''pubococcygeus''?
I want documented scientific proof.
And no ''PIayboy Advisor'' buIIshit.
AII right.
I heard about panties with a miniature vibrator buiIt right into them.
-Do you carry those? -Yeah.
Oh, good. I want seven pairs, one for each day of the week.
And do they come in different coIors, for organizationaI purposes?
-Can I ask you a question? -Shoot.
RoughIy speaking, how many times have you come in the past few weeks?
One-hundred and eighty-nine times, exactIy speaking.
That's 1 3 and a haIf per day.
I've seen this before. I know how this is gonna sound...
...but I'm not making it up. I think that you're addicted to your vibrator.
-What? -You're cIinicaIIy addicted to your vibrator...
-...or pretty cIose. -I can't beIieve you're saying this.
It happens to a Iot of women with a Iong history of sexuaI dysfunction.
One taste and they're gone.
-But I've never feIt so good in my Iife. -I bet.
They meet Mondays and Wednesdays at St. Mary's on 33rd Street.
In a church?
Oh, I thought I turned this thing off.
Wonder if this'II work.
You have reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.
To page me, pr--
Yes, it reaIIy works.
Fuck.
You've been distracted IateIy.
WeII, I'm not now.
I hope not.
-Sherri? -Yeah?
FrikaskjasaIde.
Come on.
UnbeIievabIe.
ReaI cooI, PrisciIIa.
You have reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.
To page me, press five.
To leave a message, simply do so after the beep.
Have a nice day.
Nice.
God.
Hey, hon. Yeah, it's me.
Look, I'm gonna have to break into the house...
...because you changed the fucking Iocks.
So, I don't know, I might just burn it down.
Okay, hugs.
Here she is.
-Fridtjof Knudsen, this is PrisciIIa. -Sure. Sir, yes.
-It's so great to finaIIy meet you. -The pIeasure is entireIy mine.
Good. So now we get down to business.
Persuade us to move from one frigid city to another one.
If FrikaskjasaIde shouId decide to reIocate to CIeveIand...
...Trasker wiII provide the expertise necessary...
...to cut your current costs by one-third.
What about infrastructure grants?
You've reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.
State and IocaI government...
...wouId go so far as to buiId you new roads.
Trasker wiII provide the--
I'm gonna teII that bitch I have a magnificent penis.
You have reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.
CaIIing tiII you caII me back.
And....
-Pipes. -What's wrong?
She doesn't Iook weII. Are you weII?
I'm fine.
Oh, God. I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
And, of course, the roads and--
The Iand.
The Iand. Yeah.
Yeah. God.
PrisciIIa, what's wrong?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
She's been under a heII of a Iot of stress IateIy.
Don't taIk to me about stress.
Oh, no, it's not stress. It's just....
Some bad Chinese food.
SizzIing garIic beef.
Anyway...
...Iet's get started.
-DougIas-- -They signed.
Oh, good. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
It wasn't sizzIing garIic beef.
I don't know what it was. But it won't happen again, I swear.
WeII, just remember, you can onIy get away with this kind of buIIshit once.
You can onIy get away with that kind of buIIshit once.
Jack.
He finaIIy did it.
FinaIIy fucking did it.
Breaking and entering.
-We are so cooI. -Oh, I know.
-Wow, eerie. -TotaIIy.
I feeI Iike I couId teII you anything.
You can teII me anything.
That's what's great about us.
You know this means we're a coupIe now.
Awesome.
Okay, new ruIes.
One, keep your options open tiII the Iast second.
Two, get his number. But that's fIexibIe if he's a fox.
Three, Iook at your Ieft hand.
What about it?
Check the ring finger. You know, the one with the wedding ring on it?
-It comes off. -AII the way.
FeeI Iighter?
-A IittIe. -Good.
Tonight I'm your designated dancer.
I wiII protect you, I wiII advise you...
...and I wiII never Ieave your side.
Did you have your orgasm?
So, baby, how many times?
-You okay with that or...? -Were my techniques sufficient enough...
...to provide you with the orgasm you were seeking?
Orgasm? Of course I fucking did.
I don't know what happened.
I try too hard. I just freeze up.
Look, I know it's not the girI thing. You were cIose Iike five times.
-You were this cIose. -Six.
-ReaIIy? -It's a joke.
You know I pride myseIf on my orgasm-inducing abiIities?
I've practiced. I dedicated myseIf.
I can make an ice scuIpture of Kathie Lee Gifford come.
I don't know how your husband pIugged away as Iong as he did.
Exhausted.
No way. ImpossibIe.
I don't beIieve it.
You're Iying. You have to be Iying...
...because there's no way you wouId ever do that, right?
Right?
-Which part? -That Iast part.
That Iast part just happened.
So you just kind of sIipped and feII into her vagina.
-Sherri. -Did you think she was a man or something?
No. She's a fox.
Oh, my God, I can't beIieve I just said that.
So you activeIy and knowingIy pursued your Iesbian moment?
Think you'II do it again?
I'm sorry...
...but I feeI Iike I reaIIy need to speak my mind on this one.
Not now, Sherri.
You are...
-...awesome. -What?
You are fucking awesome.
I mean, a month ago, you were this uptight, frigid, married chick.
And then, from cIear out of the bIue...
...you dumped your Ioser husband because he wasn't pIowing the fieIds.
You're not Iistening. That's not how it happened.
And then you practicaIIy invent a whoIe new category of addiction.
They shouId name a warning sticker after you.
And then you go on to bag aII of these hot guys...
...one after the other after the other...
-...after the other. -Sherri.
And then, when most of us wouId be taking a breather...
...you run off and join the Iesbian circus.
-Sherri. -No, it's so incredibIy rich.
PrisciIIa, you are a goddess.
You are a raging sIut goddess.
Sherri.
You didn't Iisten to a word I said, did you?
You know aII those guys I sIept with?
I wasn't even there when it happened.
I just disappeared into this baII of fear.
I just shut down.
None of them wanna see me again.
And you know Justine, my girIfriend?
She says that I'm an ice queen.
An unmeItabIe ice queen.
Just once in my Iife, just for one minute...
...I wouId Iike to Iet go...
...just to feeI different...
...if onIy for a minute.
Hello, Priscilla. You were supposed to have those numbers on my desk by 5.
-Oh, Christ. -It's now 6:30...
...and I'm still waiting here at my desk.
I want them first thing in the morning. Good night, Priscilla.
Hey, Priscilla, it's me, Wayne the Pool Guy.
-Hi. How you doing? Good. -Hi. Good.
I wouId Iike a piece of your chocoIate cake and a gIass of red wine.
-Okay. Okay. -Oh, and some miIk as weII. Thank you.
I finaIIy caught you.
You're not gonna beIieve this. I think I'm finaIIy ready for that pooI.
-WouId you Iike to sit down and join me? -You're kidding me.
-Dinner's on me. Scotch, rocks. -Okay.
So, PrisciIIa...
-...why do you want a pooI? -Now you wanna taIk me out of it?
No, no, it's just that, you know, even at haIf price, it's:
I'm paying fuII price.
Even at my speciaI summer-discount rate...
...it's gonna put a deep dent in your pocketbook.
So I want you to be sure. If you don't want a pooI, don't get a pooI.
-But what about your commerciaI? -We aIready shot it.
Yeah. They put a pooI in your backyard with a computer.
Looks reaI. It's gonna premiere next week.
What about the oId one?
WeII.... Yeah, weII, I think it aired for the Iast time about an hour ago.
I missed it.
-I'II send you a tape. -Thanks, but it won't be the same.
Yeah. Thank you.
WeII, salud.
There are three reasons why peopIe get a pooI.
One, to keep up with the Joneses.
Two, if you can beIieve this...
...to get peopIe to come to their house.
And the third reason...
...I want you to teII me.
Come on, come on.
-Swimming? -Bingo.
That's it. Swimming.
Nobody ever gets that. It's the most obvious.
And it's the most meaningfuI.
What do you mean by that?
WeII, aII right, forget I'm a saIesman for a second.
Just a second. AII right.
EmotionaIIy and spirituaIIy speaking...
...swimming is the best thing you can do for yourseIf.
You wanna know why?
Metamorphosis.
Even in CIeveIand, Ohio...
...you have a chance at rebirth every time you dive in the water.
But what if you wanna stay who you are?
What kind of question is that?
Everybody wants to change.
-Oh, reaIIy? -Of course.
-Don't they? -I'm just giving you a hard time.
You see that? You try to be sincere...
-...and aII you get is grief. -I was kidding.
I was kidding. I'm very pro-metamorphosis.
Sucker.
No, you meant every word.
-Here you go. -Good.
There you are.
Nice combo.
Anyway...
...to be honest, I think I shouId try someone eIse's pooI first.
I have a pooI.
Is that an invitation?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's an invitation, yeah.
When?
Watch your step here. Yes.
-AII this for buiIding pooIs. -Yeah.
Yeah. You ready?
Check it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I buiIt it for my wife.
She died 1 6 years ago.
She must have Ioved it.
She had her moods. She wouId be crying at the top...
...and Iaughing by the time she hit the pooI. Yeah. Yeah.
-So you Iike it? ReaIIy? -Oh, yeah. I think it's a--
-I think it's amazing. -You wanna try it?
-Now? -Yeah.
-WiII you come with me? -No.
-No? -No.
No. No, I don't ever. I never do. Never do.
Wayne, when was the Iast time you went swimming in this pooI?
It's been a whiIe.
So aII that taIk about metamorphosis and renewaI...
...it was just taIk?
I have suits inside.
-Okay. -Let's go.
Come on. I think I have one that fits you.
It's my favorite. I wear it-- When I'm aII aIone, I wear it.
No, I'm onIy kidding.
It's wood. Nice. Sturdy. It's Iike a tree house.
How high is it?
The sIide is 300 feet, so....
And then this is, you know....
-You go first and I'II spot you. -Okay.
Wow, this....
Yeah, I forgot aII about this.
Wow, the TerminaI Tower. That's where I work.
What do you actuaIIy do in advertising?
I bring business to CIeveIand.
-That's a cooI job. -Yeah, it is.
I Iike it.
-I'm reaIIy gIad I came. -Me too.
We can't stay up here aII night.
Anyway, Iet me get....
AII right.
-Okay? -Okay.
AII right, so you go on it.
Okay, get down...
...and then, Iet's see....
I'm gonna get over here Iike this. Yeah.
Ready? Put your Iegs around me.
Okay, aII right.
And hoId on to my waist, right?
Okay, yeah.
-You can hoId on. I won't break. -Okay.
Okay.
-Ready? -Yeah, I'm ready.
One, two...
...three!
I'm sorry.
No. More.
Don't worry, I'm gonna be okay.
What's so funny?
WeII, you're not gonna beIieve this...
...but you're the first man who's ever...
...you know, made me come.
You mean, you...?
Not untiI Wayne.
Wayne the PooI Guy.
Yeah, that is funny.
HystericaI.
WeII, you just took 1 5 years off my Iife.
Now, come here.
Oh, Wayne.
Oh, Wayne. Wayne.
What a name.
You shouId keep your sIide on aII the time.
How come?
Because then I'd come over.
Get your own pooI.
-Good morning. -PrisciIIa.
No sizzIing garIic beef this weekend, I see.
I guess you aIready know.
Know what?
We're taking a group of Chinese brewers on a tour this morning.
-Can you handIe it? -I don't think so.
Guess what they wanna see.
The Rock and RoII HaII of Fame?
You wish.
They wanna see the crown jeweI of CIeveIand's pubIic schooI system:
Carmen High.
Jack's back.
Morning.
You motherfuckers ready to Iearn?
Because I'm gonna teach the shit out of you.
-Yeah! -AII right.
You guys are gonna be cooI, right? You're not gonna teII the principaI I swore?
Miss TayIor's not here, I see. AII right.
We had very high SAT scores Iast year....
Come on. I know there's something you wanna teII me.
No, there isn't.
You have a big, juicy secret.
I can smeII it.
-Me and Wayne the PooI Guy. -Liar.
And another archaebacteria that can survive in inhospitabIe environments...
...is the haIobacteria...
...which is unique...
-...because of its pigment. -They're educating.
And who couId teII me what that is?
It's the coIor?
HoIy shit. Look at him.
That's right, but maybe one of our esteemed guests here wouId know.
-The coIor is orange? -That's right.
Goes the IittIe bear.
One chop, two chop, tickIe under....
That feIt so good.
Yeah, that's what I aIways try to teII myseIf.
FeeI good. Don't feeI bad, feeI good.
Pizza and a six-pack.
Oh, it's so Iate though.
So?
Okay. I'II have a pIain.
CooI. PIain?
No, I'II have sausage and onions.
Very brave.
You worried that I'm faIIing in Iove with you?
If I were, I wouIdn't be here.
-Bertino's Pizzeria. -Gonna be open Iate?
-Yeah, we're open late. -I'II be there in two hours.
Hey, Jack.
Hey. I bet you can't catch me.
-Hey. -Excuse me. Sorry.
Hey, I know you. Wait.
You're Jack Chase. You're my daughter's teacher.
I'm Binky TayIor, Kristen TayIor's father.
Kristen Tay-- Oh, Kristen.
Yeah. Oh, she's very bright.
The TayIor famiIy...
...wiII be eternaIIy gratefuI to you.
It was your cIass that got Kristen off the cannabis...
...and onto the right track.
Here she is.
Hi, Dad. HeIIo, Mr. Chase.
Kristen.
ShouIdn't you be doing your homework?
I don't know about that. Kristen's going to Harvard.
Harvard, the schooI?
She hasn't taken that Harvard T-shirt off for three weeks since she got the news.
CongratuIations, Kristen.
It takes a very speciaI person to get into Harvard.
No, Mr. Chase. CongratuIations to you.
If this country had more teachers Iike you...
...dedicated, decent men, our kids wouId be in a Iot better shape.
You, sir, are an everyday hero.
-Thank you. -No. Thank you.
Say thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Chase.
You're a great teacher.
AIrighty. WeII, take care.
Okay, now.
Hey, it's me.
It was great seeing you the other day.
I was thinking that maybe we could hook up sometime and grab some dinner.
Nothing serious or anything. Just, you know, to catch up.
Whenever you want. Just let me know.
That suit is ridicuIous.
Oh, yeah.
Damn, he Iooks good.
Hi.
I'm starving.
So, what have you been up to?
Oh, I don't know.
Not much.
No?
You can teII me, you know. It's me.
WeII...
...I've been broadening my horizons...
...taking some seminars...
...and discovering parts of CIeveIand I never knew existed.
Neat.
WeII, here's to you.
The heII is that?
Shit.
I'm invoIved in a Iove triangIe with a younger, fitter rivaI.
This is buIIshit.
What about you? What have you been doing?
What have I been doing?
ProbabIy sounds pretentious...
...but I've been trying to make myseIf a better man.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah.
I've been reaIIy focused on teaching...
...and, I don't know, I'm thinking about maybe going back to schooI.
I'm so proud of you. That's wonderfuI.
Here's to you.
Thank you.
-It's great to see you. -You too.
Oh, and aIso, every morning...
...I've been getting up and exercising.
A Iot of jogging and that kind of thing.
I've Iost six pounds aIready.
You Iook Iike you Iost more.
I haven't weighed myseIf today, so....
Thank you.
It must be driving you crazy wondering why I brought you here, huh?
I've been thinking that maybe--
Are you Iistening to me? Because this is important.
-I mean, this-- -Yeah, I'm Iistening.
This is--
What's so funny?
Nothing.
I've been thinking that maybe...
...we shouId get back together.
Oh, Jack.
WeII, here's to you.
-Good to see you. -You too.
A gazebo? What are you, crazy?
You're not a gazebo girI.
A touch of the bubbIy.
I wanna go again.
Here, hoId on just a second.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking.
Even though there's this big age difference between us--
How oId are you, anyway?
OId.
Somehow, whiIe I was worried about drains and chIorine...
...I turned into the oId guy, but--
Here. The thing is, I don't have anybody to Ieave my business to.
I mean, when I kick, when the ticker goes, that's it.
I can find you a buyer within a week, Wayne.
-A reputabIe buyer. -Yeah, weII....
But I was thinking that, even with aII our differences...
-...we make a good team. -Yeah.
You Iike to stay up Iate.
Nope. EarIy bird.
Okay.
AII right, maybe it's not the sIeep thing.
WeII, there's the sex.
The sex. Yes, the sex. Jesus Christ.
ReaIIy wonderfuI.
And you gotta know...
...I haven't been in this pooI since my wife died.
Anyway, considering aII these ingredients...
...and that you've got a great head for business...
...and the fact that I might be faIIing in Iove with you...
-...I was wondering-- -Are you gonna ask me to marry you?
ActuaIIy...
...I was gonna ask you if you wouId be my girIfriend.
-I'II think about it. -Okay.