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Good evening, everybody. I'm Rich Eisen, pleased to be joined...
by Omar Dorsey, Terrell Thomas and Dwight Freeney.
This is the Sklar Brothers' one-hour stand-up comedy special pregame show.
Thank you for joining us. The media hype is over.
It's now time for comedy.
But before we get to the show, in our brief time,
I wanna hit some of the narratives,
some of the story lines that'll be playing out on that stage tonight.
The first thing I want to talk about is the weather.
We know the Sklars are from the Midwest. They choose a Midwest town.
But they chose Madison, Wisconsin right in the middle of February...
for their stand-up special.
I've never thought of these guys as cold-weather comics at all.
That's been the knock on Randy throughout his whole career.
He can't perform in cold weather, which is why he doesn't perform well in Canada.
I'm really not that worried about Randy.
I'm more worried about Jason in those glasses.
It might get a little bit fogged up.
We have to remember that this guy just had a baby.
- Preach, Omar. - Yes.
- Dwight, weather tonight. - Think about Sinbad.
Sinbad in the Caribbean. What happened to him?
You got the wind blowing. You got birds.
He's sweating profusely. You got monkeys.
All types of things happening during that event.
But he still did a great job.
Why? It was because of the jokes.
You're a comedy historian, Dwight Freeney. I didn't know that about you.
- I love my Sinbad. - But you know about playing hurt, Dwight.
Randy's playing hurt tonight. He clearly doesn't wanna talk much about it.
Doesn't want it to be a factor.
Really, it's the range of motion. Honestly.
It's turning to this side of the crowd and that side of the crowd.
You might get stuck fixated on one side...
- and forget about the other side. - Hmm.
He has to be smart about it, you know.
Stay with the right side and move gingerly to the other side.
So they don't see any tightness in the back.
I wanna talk about the social issue that is clearly on the table tonight...
with the Sklar Brothers, the first ever openly twin comedians.
Uh, Dwight, how do you think that's gonna play in the locker room?
These guys have each other's back. And that's the one thing.
I did hear that they came out as twins to their mom.
Their mother already knew. You can't fool a mom. She knows these things.
There's a lot on the line tonight, guys. I'm not gonna lie.
Our own Bonnie Bernstein is with Jason now as he prepares to take the stage. Bonnie.
Rich, trying to figure out if this guy here...
is sleep deprived from the little one or deep in thought.
What's going through your head right now?
I'm just going through my joke progressions.
Just trying to take it one joke at a time.
Prepare for any situation that arises.
Weather. Will it be a factor?I hope not.
There you have it. Let's head over to our own Bonnie Bernstein.
She's standing by with Randy.
All right, Bonnie. Thank you. Randy,
noticed you put on a couple pounds lately.
Yeah, three pounds. None of it muscle.That's good for comedy.
Well, you never want to Piscopo out, so--That's a good point.
Watched you during warm-ups. Your back did look a little bit stiff.
What's the status there?It was a little tight,
but I feel like the first 35 minutes of this thing,
I'm gonna be running on adrenaline.
I'll be fine. It's just how do I finish this thing?
Basically, I'm just gonna run through my joke progressions.
Try and take it one joke at a time and just stay focused.
Everybody's talking about the weather in this performance.
Midwest, middle of the winter. Will it be a factor?
I hope so. Thanks, Bonnie.
Conflicting opinions there, Rich.
But one thing that we do know: These guys are both focused.
Now it's all about execution. Back to you.
There's no doubt that the first few jokes are crucial...
for the success of tonight's performance.
All right, now let's send it out to Madison for what promises to be...
one of the most exciting Jewish identical twin one-hour stand-up specials of all time.
We'll see you guys at half.
[ Man ] Welcome to the stage the Sklar Brothers.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Thank you.Thank you very much.
I have to tell you. We are a little bit freaked out right now.
We're tripped out because of something we just learned backstage.
Right there.On Twitter.
This is crazy and freaky. And this is a terrible way to start out a special.
But we just learned something nutty back there.
Randy and I just found out on Twitter that rapper Pitbull...
was a rescue.So weird--
A lot of people don't know that about him.
He's doing a lot better with children.He is getting better.
You still can't approach him from behind.
He'll bite the shit out of your hand. [ Growls ]
When he clamps down with that rapper's jaw. Boom.
It's either him or you.That's right.
When you approach him, you gotta go like this and then like this.
It's like this and then like this.
J.Lo never understood that. That's the problem.
She found out the hard way.That's right.
I love that he did a Dr. Pepper commercial.
I love that Pitbull was cool enough and he did those Bud Light commercials.
But when he did the Pepsi commercial, that's when Jay and I were like, "Mm-mmm."
We're drawing the line. Not so much because he sold out again.
But because for a minute, Pepsi decided to be cool?
Why is Pepsi? Why you trying to be cool, Pepsi?
Just embrace who you are as a cola, then maybe we would drink you.
All right.
If we could be twin Don Drapers for a moment.
And we could pitch a new ad campaign for Pepsi.
Here's the commercial. It's just a waitress.
She's staring directly into the camera and she's like--
No, we don't, but we have Pepsi. Is that okay?
Pepsi work?Is that all right?
Sorry.So sorry.
Sorry about that.
Wait. No, don't leave.Don't go. Why?
Why are you going?We should have said yes. We should have said yes.
Pepsi: We should have said yes.
Lied to your face, told you it was Coke and let you sort it out.
That's the new Pepsi challenge right there.
Pepsi: The default cola.How about that?
There you go.When there isn't anything else: Pepsi.
It's great to be back in the Midwest. Great to be in Wisconsin, man.
[ Crowd Cheering ]Feels good.
We have been here less than 24 hours, and we've both consumed enough cheese...
to crap out a Packers fan, literally.Full grown.
Fully grown shareholder.Full grown.
Yeah, full grown shareholder.
It's good to be back in the Midwest. We grew up in St. Louis, the Midwest.
Actually, you could've blindfolded us and not told us we were coming to Wisconsin...
and we would have known exactly that we were in the Midwest.
Why? When we got off the plane, we were face-to-face with the world's greatest mullet.
Oh, my God. It was so beautiful.
- It was glorious. - Yes.
Here's why it was so great. Because it was an un-ironic mullet.
Yeah, just a mullet for the good of the game.That's right.
A mullet for mullet's sake.See, I live in a very hip neighborhood in Los Angeles.
If I see a mullet in my neighborhood, my first thought is, "Fuck you."
You're an asshole.
You're gonna take that away from America?How dare you.
How dare you.Yeah.
Why don't you get on your recumbent unicycle--Yeah.
Pull up your hilarious acid-washed jorts.Mm-hmm.
Get your gondolier pole-- even though we're nowhere near the water--
and pedal the hell out of here, all right?
Take your artisanal lemonade with you too, bitch.
Boysenberry? Get out of here.
But you see a mullet in Wisconsin,
in Nebraska, in Missouri--
In its natural habitat.
In the wild, as it were.Yes. A free-range mullet, as we like to call it.
A grass-fed mullet.
A simple organic Whole Foods mullet. I don't know why.
That is amazing, right? That is literally like watching a horse ride another horse.
It's so-- How is this happening in front of my eyes?
How is Secretariat on top of Seabiscuit? There's so many hooves.
I don't know. But I know I wanna follow that guy around...
and find out what his next eight decisions are gonna be in his life...
if this was one of them.
'Cause that was a choice.
It got us thinking. We jumped down the rabbit hole. We started talking.
There is no mullet hall of fame in the United States. There should be.
How could there not be a mullet hall of fame?
If I were gonna build a mullet hall of fame, I would put it inside of a Supercuts.
There you go.[ Chuckling ]
Honoring the birthplace of the mullet. I appreciate that.
If I were doing a mullet hall of fame, I would put it right behind a Supercuts.
So literally, it's a business in the front and a party in the back.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Just have Dog the Bounty Hunter induct everyone.
Oh, God.All-time inductee.
That might be the biggest mullet ever on television.Ever created.
His mullet is so big he doesn't even know what's going on back there.
I was watching it one time and I saw he had little feathers on the side.
I was like, "Oh, that's so great. He's honoring Native American--
Oh, shit. That's a dead bird."
Uh, he was driving a Jeep earlier and it flew in.
He doesn't know what gets caught back there. That's a dream catcher, guys.
And a dream crusher, if you ask his wife.That's right.
Let's be honest.
So we started talking about the mullet hall of fame.
There should be some people who are just automatically inducted.
Automatic bids
If you played in the NHL between '88 and '92, automatically in.
Or if you play in Russia today, automatically in.You're in.
K.D. Lang.Let's get the femullet up in this case.
Ladies can have mullets. You better believe it.
February could be black mullet month.There you go.
It's controversial, but we're backing it.
That's right.
Here's the thing. Black people don't think they have mullets. You do.
From the Jheri curl to the cornrow, it's tight, then it gets messy down here.
Those are mullets.
No, Jason, those are blullets.Black mullets, yes.
And if we all agree with that, then we all also agree...
that Allen Iverson has been rocking a mullet for two decades.
Not a weave.Not a weave.
We're talking about mullets.We talking about mullets, man.
Not a weave.Not a weave.
We're talking about mullets.We talking about mullets, man.
Come on, man. We're talking about mullets.
We talking about mullets, man.We talking about mullets, man.
We up here, we been doing comedy for 20 years. We talking about mullets, man.
Come on, man.Mullets.
Come on, man.Come on, man.
Sadly, that could've gone on for an hour.I feel like it did.
I feel like that could've been its own special.
It's hard not to go from the dueling Iversons...
right into dueling Stephen A. Smiths.
That's just one step away.
They're right next to each other on the cul-de-sac of crazy.
I love Stephen A. Smith. We both love him. If you don't know who he is,
he's a very bombastic ESPN sports pundit.
He's on all those arguing shows.
Here's why we love Stephen A. Smith.
Stephen A. Smith always runs out of breath with eight things left to say.
Instead of, like a normal person, breathing,
he just powers through that shit to the end of the sentence.
Every time. He knows a lot of athletes.
He's gonna tell you how he was talking to those athletes the night before.
But our favorite thing-- This is so small, but our favorite thing is...
sometimes he'll drop what technology he was using.
To us, it's hilarious.Brilliant.
I heard him say, "Last night I was Skyping with Kobe Bryant...
and we all sat down, we started talking about the Lakers--
[ Inaudible ] "...talking about?"
What?
I don't know what you're talking about.I have no idea.
I lost three words of your sentence.So did I.
Did your mike drop out? What's going on?
"Then I shut that computer. I opened up another computer.
I got Marc Gasol and Pau Gasol and Steve Nash together on a GoToMeeting.
We all started talking about the Lakers, I'm like, 'Come on, man'"--
[ Inaudible ]
When did First Take become a Chaplin movie? I had no idea.
"Then I took out a Ouija board. I got in touch with Wilt Chamberlain.
I'm like, 'Come on, man. You dead. How bad are the Lakers'"--
[ Inaudible ] "Come on, Skip!"
"Then I got a tomato can, I connected a string to another tomato can.
At the other end of the tomato can was Kiki Vanderweghe.
I said, 'Man, from a G.M. perspective, how bad are the Lakers'"--
[ Inaudible ]
Same joke five times. Uh, we literally can't stop.
Can't do it.
Don't feel bad for Stephen A. Smith though. He is a millionaire.
He was born at the right time in a very Malcolm Gladwellian way.That's right.
If he was born 40 years earlier, he wouldn't be a millionaire.
No, he'd be a crazy guy on a street corner yelling about the civil rights movement.
In the exact same way."Last night I was on a rotary phone.
I was talking to Abby Hoffman about the Chicago Seven.
'You got three people doing the work of seven people. It's like the Lakers in 2012'--
[ Inaudible ] What are we talking about, Skip?"
"Then I sat down on the bus next to Rosa Parks.
I looked her dead in the eye. I said, 'We talking about buses.
What's gonna happen in 50 years when Dr. Jerry Buss dies?
Who gonna make decisions for the Lakers'"-- [ Inaudible ]
How crazy would it be if on that day when Rosa Parks was on the bus,
Stephen A. Smith sat down next to her and started arguing with her?
- She would have been, "Know what? I'm gonna walk." - Honestly, fuck it.
What's so great about the bus? Really, guys.
Pick your battles. That's the lesson we learned today.
I love sports. We love athletes because of the stories behind the athletes.
They're so good. Actually, none better than Lance Armstrong.
That's like a Greek tragedy.
It's Dickensian. It's crazy.
So he wins seven Tour de Frances.Top of the world.
Beats cancer.Dates the hot Olsen twin.
There's a difference.There is a bit of a difference between them.
Then he admits to doping, and they strip him of the titles.
They're gonna give him back the cancer for two months. I don't understand that.
That just seems a little bit--Why is the biking community so punitive?
They're vindictive.
They're gonna make him date the ugly Olsen twin.Which is worse than cancer.
How do you have sex with a skeleton?Very carefully, very delicately.
You become a power bottom and then you just live with it. That's your only--
She's taking away sexual options.That's it.
I felt bad for the guy until he tweeted that picture of himself...
just hanging out in his Austin rec room...
with the seven yellow Tour de France winning jerseys.
They just happened to be framed up perfectly in the photo.
Here was the caption of the photo: "Back in Austin. Just hangin' out."
Just hanging out?
We saw that photo and caption, we were like, "Jesus Christ, the ball on this guy."
I mean, seriously.
We started with "the ball on this guy" and wrote the joke backwards.
We should admit that to you guys.Never a good way to do comedy.
No, no.
It's like building a house from the roof down. You just don't wanna do it too much.
No, not a good foundation right there.
Funny. I was looking through one of my wife's Us Weeklys on the plane out here.
I can't believe the Kardashians are still center spreads in that magazine.
Are we done with those guys yet?We should be finished.
I can't get over the fact that Kim Kardashian sued Old Navy...
because there was a woman in the commercial that kind of looked like her.
Does she not understand what Old Navy does?
They knock off cheap shit.Of course.
Of course.Hoping to get someone who looks like you.
I love Old Navy. By the way, in Southern California,
just below Los Angeles, you go down the 5 Freeway,
there is actually an Old Navy outlet store.
Let me repeat that for everyone who didn't laugh out loud at that concept.
Old Navy outlet store.
Old Navy is already an outlet for another store.
It has to be.
The fact that Old Navy now has an outlet...
means that millions of people were walking into Old Navy and were outraged by the prices.
Who is outraged by Old Navy's prices?
Who walks into Old Navy-- $2.00 for 80 pairs of socks? I don't fuckin' think so.
No. We're not made of money.
We're not Warren Buffet, okay?Okay?
You better bring those prices down or I've got tents in the car.
I will occupy Old Navy.We'll occupy Old Navy.
We're part of the 99% off, bitch.He said it.
I said it next to the cargo pants. I'm not afraid.
He ain't afraid
I love the Occupy movement. With a little distance now--
We're kind of understanding where it went right and wrong.
It's kind of crazy. We're all for railing against the government.
We're all for railing against corporate greed. That's great.
But it feels like that whole Occupy movement...
should have happened over a three-day weekend.
Just Presidents' Day, wrap it up, then go get a mattress.
That's all you need.
Instead, it was like a one-night stand that turned into a two-year relationship.
We've all been there, right? 'Cause at six months in both propositions, you're like,
"I know we're not trying to put labels on this, but what the fuck are we doing?"
Honestly, I don't know.
Why is my toothbrush in both places?I have no idea.
The problem with the Occupy movement is that they painted themselves into a corner.
That's right. Because they railed against society...
but then they hung around long enough that they kind of became little societies.
So they needed all the things that normal societies need...
but they were too proud to admit that they needed those things.
So if you walked through a tent society towards the end, like we did up in Portland,
you would hear conversations like this happening.
We need to get people to walk around and make sure people aren't doing bad stuff.
You mean like cops? No, no.No, no.
They're not cops.No cops.
No cops.Chill out, dude. We didn't say cops.
Nobody said the word "cops."Calm him down.
Nobody said the word "cops."No cops.
We just need to figure out a way to police these people.Thank you for saying that.
I'm glad you had the guts to say that.
All right. So Jeff's got the organic burritos. And Tina's got the herbal tea.
They wanna trade. What happens if Jeff doesn't have enough burritos?
Can he write on a piece of paper that he's gonna give her a burrito?
Like money? No, no.No, no money.
We're not printing our own money.
We're not printing money.This isn't a capitalistic society.
Everybody relax.Just chill out.
What will we do with those scraps of paper?
Put 'em in a centralized place where people can put 'em in and take 'em out.
You mean like a bank? No, no!No, no!
No banks, no.Everybody stop talking at once.
Dave, you talk and represent the views of people over there.
Like a government? No!No!
[ Whoops ] Painted themselves in a corner.
I think the weirdest part about the Kardashians-- Why did I go back?
It's like a tractor beam.It's like Galaga, and we're going up in 'em.
Uh, it's that Bruce Jenner was part of that family for many, many years.
Bruce Jenner. Honestly, we grew up in the '70s.
We remember when Bruce Jenner was a man.Yes.
Pre-laryngeal shave.That's right.
Seriously, we're doing the Olympics right now.
If back in 1977, after he won the gold medal--
If one person approached another person in the United States and was like, "What's a man?"
Let me get a Wheaties box and show you a picture of a man throwing a javelin at your nuts.
That's Bruce Jenner, the definition of a man in the 1970s.
But if someone had a crystal ball and was like-- See that man right there?
In about 35 years, that man is gonna be pushed around by a bunch of women...
who are only famous because one of them got plowed by Ray J.
That's the only reason.The only reason they're famous.
He banged the fame into her.It spread to the uglier sisters.
To the bigger ones.
Then it went to our basketball stars and our rap artists.
And now it's America's problem.It is.
The Kardashians are like America's herpes, when you think about it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We have to lie to Europe about having them and hope that they don't get them.
That's right. If Kim and Kanye go to Paris,
we're like-- Are you guys feeling a burning sensation down in Nice?
I'm so sorry. It's not us.It was not us.
By the way, if in 1977, someone had that crystal ball and said--
In 35 years, Bruce Jenner is gonna look like every single one of your mom's friends.
Holy face work.Oh, my God.
I was watching The Kardashians a year ago and I was like--
What is our Aunt Linda doing on The Kardashians?
Oh, my God.No, that's not our Aunt Linda.
That's either Bruce Jenner or a Shetland Pat Summitt.
It does look like a smaller version of the winningest coach--
In women's NCAA history.
She looks great, but what is she doing on this show?
She's out of the pantsuit and into a sweat suit.That is just-- I don't get it.
Why is Bruce Jenner holding a Chico's catalog?He's shopping at Chico's, guys.
Our mom shops at Chico's.Everyone's mom shops at Chico's.
You do not have a choice once you hit menopause.
The doctor doesn't even tell you anymore. He just walks in and hands you a Chico's catalog.
Here you go.Here you go.
You've now entered this part of menopause. The Chico's phase.
It's all gonna be chunky ethnic jewelry and scarves from here on out.
We're just gonna be taking the attention away from your hips...
and bringing it up to your neck.That's it, guys.
Till you're in the ground. That's all we're doing.A lot of stuff on the top.
Here's what I love about Chico's. They are unabashed about their marketing.
They know who their audience is.We one time saw this flyer in our mom's mailbox.
"Hey, ladies. Hot flashes. Check out this cool sale at Chico's."
"Hey, gals. Done with your period?
How about the best prices, period."
[ Both Shouting ] Chico's!
Don't let the good deals dry up.Chico's!
Damn you, Chico's.
Some of you might not know what Chico's is,
but I'd say Google it.Yeah.
But be careful. I feel like Google has gotten so aggro with its auto-fill recently.
Oh, it's so aggressive.You're thinking of something...
and then Google gives you seven inappropriate choices.Before you even--
Google has now become that weird guy at a party...
who whenever you stop talking for a second,
he fills your sentence with something that makes you uncomfortable.
You just feel terrible.
After the party, the wife and I are heading downtown and picking up some Chinese.
So you want pictures of Asian teens? Let me throw some of those up on the desktop.
I do not want those. No, take them down. Fine, I will take them down.
You're just minimizing them. You're not getting rid of them.Great.
Now I gotta clear my history.That's right.
This is true. If you type in the phrase: "Woman who had face"--
That's a pretty generic phrase.
I think most women have faces.
Google will complete that sentence with "ripped off by chimp."
That's insane.That's number one. Number one.
That's disgusting. Shame on all of you.Shame on you, Google.
Now, to be honest, that is what we were searching for.Oh, yeah.
I wanted to see how messed up her face was.Is it just a flap of skin?
How does she read her Kindle? I have a million questions.Great question.
So we went down that rabbit hole for a while.
We tried a little experiment. Took one word out of that phrase.
Just type in the phrase: "Woman who had"--Even more general.
"Woman who had" into Google. Google completes that sentence with "acid thrown in her face."
What?What?
Why is Google so obsessed with the disfigurement of the female face?
I don't know. Now Google's a weird, lurky, serial killer...
that we all have to talk down from the ledge.
Google, bro. Come on, hoss.Dude, bro.
Chief, man.Come on, buddy. You cannot do this.
Just like you can't tuck your penis in and make a mangina anymore.
Just stop dancing around with the night vision.
That's serial killer behavior.
Don't trick fat women into moving furniture into your white rapey van.
You cannot do that.Stop.
Even if you're moving, you can't do that.
Now we have not tried this, but if you just type the word "woman" into Google,
I bet it would complete that with--
Put the fucking lotion in the basket.That's terrible.
In that voice. So scary.
We have to be careful with Google because we have kids now.
No, not together. That would be weird.That would be weird.
Who's the dad?
Although Who's the Dad? would be a fantastic television show.
Who's the Dad?actually already is a TV show.
It's called The Maury Povich Show.Folks, there you go.
I love that black people on Maury Povich call him "Murray" and he does not correct them.
Just lets that shit happen.
Lets that happen.He doesn't care.
That just shows you how beat up inside he is.
He just doesn't wanna hear Connie Chung yap, yap, yapping in his ear.
That woman has wore his ass down.That's right.
That man needs a good Chung break.That's right.
♪ That was a good Chung break ♪ Where it's at
Anyway--
We have kids.
It's amazing that Jason is standing in front of you right now.
I have a two-month-old baby right now.
[ Cheering ]She's wonderful.
He could be asleep standing up like a horse right now.
Oh, yeah. I can sleep standing up now.
What's amazing though is with our first child, with our son,
we actually didn't find out the gender before he was born.
Such a nice surprise.Which was a really great surprise.
This time we did find out the gender, but we didn't find out the race.
I think that's great.We wanted a surprise.
We were both hoping Chinese. I'm gonna be honest with you.So cute.
They're so adorable.
They're like little pandas.Oh, yes, they are.
If they come early, little Panda Expresses.Bingo.
I love that. I just love it.
Because we live in Southern California, it's easy to get there--
We drive our kids down to Disneyland all the time.
And Disneyland has changed a little bit since we were kids in subtle ways.
Mostly with the Disney characters that wander around the park.
When we were kids, number one: They couldn't talk to you.
That was creepy. Ten minutes interacting with a giant furry thing that's not talking to you.
Right. And number two: Back when we were kids,
they were hard to find in the park.
And when you found them, you weren't always happy.
When we were six years old, we were at Disneyland and we were looking for Goofy all day.
Is that G-- Is that G--
Hey, that's Goofy right-- Oh, crap. He's smoking.
He's on break.All right. Goofy's on break.
Wait a minute. Is he being subpoenaed now?He's getting served papers.
Are they running his plates? That's a bench warrant.That is a bench warrant.
We're six years old. How the hell do we know what a bench warrant is?
I don't know. We're so up on the legal system.
But now, the characters are all over the park.
They have little stanchions, little lines.
You can walk up, take your picture, buy it off the Internet.
And they have the cars from the movie Cars driving around the park...
with prerecorded messages in them so you can have a conversation with the cars.
This blew his five-year-old son's mind.
My son loved the movie Carsso much,
he made me watch the shitty movie Planestwice.
That's a kid who loves transportation that can talk.
That's how much he loved Cars.
So when we see Lightning McQueen pull out...
and there's no line, it was magic for us.
I scoop up my son. We go over to the car.
And before we can say anything, the car's like--Who's my little racer?
My son turns and looks at me and he's like, "What the fuck is going on?"
With a look. And I was like, "You gotta talk to the car."
Who's my little racer?And my son's like, "Leo."
Awesome! How old are you?I'm four.
Ka-chow! What's goin' on?I'm at Disneyland.
Awesome!Greatest conversation I've ever heard in my life.
Maybe the longest conversation anyone's ever had with his son.Definitely the longest.
It was a great father-son moment. I high-fived my son. He high-fived me.
We high-fived the car for some reason.Why?
And then I don't know why I did the next thing I did.
I scooped up my son, I turned and looked to see who was next in line.
That's just something you don't wanna open up right there.
It got really sad really quick.
Because I saw a middle-aged woman, no kids.
She wanted to talk to the car for a little while.
A little conversation with a car right here.Get some things off her chest.
Here's the double standard. If you're a middle-aged woman with no kids at Disneyland,
no one bothers you.You can roam freely wherever you want in the park.
If you're a middle-aged man with no kids at Disneyland,
you are a red dot on a Google map.That's right.
Get ready to get tased into oblivion in front of It's a Small World.
That's right. It is a small world now, brother.
[ Imitating Taser ]
So in this moment, I see this woman approaching the car,
and the dad in me should've scooped up my son and just walked away.
But the comedian in me was like, "Let's see how this shit plays out."
'Cause it's gonna be hilarious.
'Cause it's the same prerecorded messages, but it's gonna be a very different conversation.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
And so I hang on to my son. This woman walks up to the car.
She's lethargic too. I'm like, "Put some pep in that step. You volunteered to be here."
She approaches the car and the car's like--Who's my little racer?
And she's like, "Barbara."
Awesome! How old are you?I'm 49.
Ka-chow! What's goin' on?
Well, I stopped cooking for myself.
Just got too sad to keep clearing the leftovers out of the fridge...
three days after I make something, because...
cookbooks don't make portions for one person.
I found that out the hard way.
Awesome!
What else is goin' on?
Well, if we're being honest, it's been about three years since I've had a vaginal orgasm.
Ka-chow!
You know that even though they were prerecorded messages--
I could feel the car wanting to extract itself from the conversation.
I gotta go fuel up back at the garage.
But you just came from the garage.Next time, bring your niece.
Beep-beep!
[ Cheering ]
All right, guys. That's a heck of a lot of comedy to talk about right there.
A lot to digest as we've hit halftime of this haimishecomedy festival...
that the Sklars are putting out there in Madison, Wisconsin.
How do you see this one ending up, with Randy or Jason on top?
They're a great team. But in every team there's always a Jordan and a Pippen.
I think Randy's gonna come out and lead the second half.
I watched them doing warm-ups. He had a little IcyHot Patch on the back.
I think he's feeling a little bit more loose. He's gonna finish strong.
- Dwight, your thoughts. - I think Randy takes hold. He takes charge.
But I think Jason is the finisher.
Now we're talking about the third and fourth quarter.
- Omar, your thoughts? - One thing that they are doing for me...
is proving something that I've always thought was true,
that all white folks look alike.
So it really doesn't matter who comes out on top.
- It's either Jason or Randy. - Well, these white folks look alike literally.
- Right. - So they've got that going for them.
And I just want to give my opinion here.
It is Madison, Wisconsin. I went to a Big Ten school.
These folks are probably more hammered now than they were in the beginning of the show.
It's gonna be a looser crowd. I just wanna make sure the Sklars...
don't take that for granted.
- No. - And that they just focus and finish here.
Because you could take a look at that crowd. It's looser.
They might sit here and think it's an easy second half of comedy.
But you know, that's where you can really get tripped up.
Absolutely. And that's why Jason's so important.
He's the finisher. He's gonna close it.Okay.
Now let's get back to the second half...
of this comedy special from the Sklars in Madison, Wisconsin.
We often talk about this with friends of ours who are parents of kids.
One thing that you kind of try and do as parents...
is teach your kids if something doesn't make sense, question it.
Which is very hard to do with little kids,
'cause as a parent, you're tired all the time.He's tired.
You're just like, "Ah, just go to bed.
Honestly, let's everybody just be quiet for a while."
But you actually should stand up,
and if something doesn't make sense,
you need to teach your kids to ask questions about it.
You teach them that lesson early on.
It starts with the nursery rhymes.
Like "Five little monkeys jumping on the bed."It's the worst.
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said--
No more monkeys jumping on the bed.We all know it.
Everyone likes it.And it almost makes sense.
Until you think about that story from the perspective of the doctor.
The doctor who keeps getting this crazy-ass phone call--Oh, yeah.
from clearly a mentally ill woman--She's deranged.
who's somehow allowed to own a lot of monkeys.
They are not permitted primates. Those are black market Japanese macaques...
bought at a Burlington Coat Factory parking lot at 1:00 a.m.--
You know that-- out of a brown paper bag.Yeah.
This poor doctor has to field that phone call all day long.
We have never heard his half of the phone conversation.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said--
Uh, it's the weekend.
I am kind of hanging out with my family right now.
And that's not really a medical question, just...
you reporting to me that animals are jumping on your furniture.
Honestly, I don't know what to do.
I guess, as a person with common sense, I would say,
don't have the monkeys-- No more monkeys jumping on the bed.
Look at that.
Look what we just came up with there, huh?
Hey, tell you what. Go ahead and apply that to all the monkeys.
No need to call me as each one careens off of your bed into your nightstand.
Oh, look. I think I see my daughter growing up.
I should probably get off the phone with you.
Four little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said--
Are you fucking shitting me with that stupid question?
Do the thing I told you to do five minutes ago.
Have a zero monkey jumping on the bed tolerance policy in your house...
and you'll be okay.
Three little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said--I have a weird idea.
How about you call a veterinarian because they're fucking monkeys, okay?
I'm your son's optometrist.
I'm barely a doctor myself.
Two little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said--
I'm gonna write you a prescription for Paxil, because...
I don't know if there are any monkeys at this point.
To be honest, I don't even know if there's a bed.
You seem like someone who just sleeps on a rag on the floor.
Here's what I do know. I'm at my niece's quinceañera, and I'm still talking to you.
One little monkey jumping on the bed. He fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said--
Honestly, I hope they all fucking jump off the bed.
I hope they all bump their heads.
I hope one goes crazy, rips your face off and I Google it.
That's how much--
[ Cheering ]
Slam down that iPhone 5.
And its crappy charger.
That is a horrible charger, that iPhone 5 charger.
The only Charger worse than the iPhone 5 charger is Phillip Rivers.
There you go.I said it.
[ Crowd Booing ]Not afraid to say it in Wisconsin.
Yeah, come get me.
Don't kid yourself. He'll ruin every fantasy team he's on.
Seventeen points and a little chicken wing bullshit throw doesn't cut it.
Doesn't cut it.
So you're saying he should put on some Shape-ups like Joe Montana...
and throw the football out of the stadium.
That's all I'm saying.
How crazy was that commercial?
Joe Montana puts on Shape-ups to go play football.
That's your first indication that the person who made the commercial...
does not understand football.
Why would you want to put on curved bottom shoes to play a contact sport?
All right. That's weird. Then he takes the football, drops back to pass,
throws it out of the stadium.
Out of the stadium. Throwing a football out of the stadium...
under no circumstances is a good football play.
How do they draw that up in the huddle?
Listen. You're gonna run about 70 yards this way.
You're gonna pick the defender, do a skinny post down the side.
What are you gonna do, Joe?I'm gonna throw the ball into the San Francisco Bay.
Let's do this.
Blue 42!Why are you making the call?
I don't know. I'm the wide receiver who oversteps his bounds.
All right. Good.Let's do this.
That is second and 10 at best, if you ask me.Really.
That's the best case scenario.
If you can find the damn ball, maybe.
I wonder if our kids understand what we're doing up here. I often wonder that.
'Cause they're now coming to the age when they can understand it.
I was trying to explain to my eight-year-old, and Jay was there.
We were explaining it. I was like, "Listen.
You're gonna go to bed tonight, and Uncle Jason and I, we're gonna go out...
and we're gonna go to a weird building.
We're gonna say a bunch of silly things,
and occasionally people will laugh at us."
And she stared him right in the eyes and was like,
"You work for Congress?"She's smart, guys. She's smart.
She's smart.Yeah.
- Well-- - [ Applause ]
We had to set her straight.
We're like, "No. We get shit done."That's right.
We don't shut down.Well, we might shut down emotionally.
Sometimes we shut down emotionally.
So I don't know if she got it.
Then a few weeks later, she couldn't fall asleep.
So she came in my room and tapped me on the shoulder.
She's like, "Daddy." Pulled me in her room.
She was like, "Will you help me fall asleep by writing some jokes with me?"
I was like, "Oh, my God. This is a reverse 'Cat's in the Cradle'...
where good shit happens.That's right.
We're building something for the future."
And it was wonderful, until we started to write the jokes together.
I don't know if you've written a joke with an eight-year-old recently, but--
Lot of restrictions on those jokes, people.Lot of restrictions.
You can't be that dirty.You can't be that edgy.
You can't be that funny.
It's basically like writing for Jay Leno. Let me break it down.
Is that too soon?Too soon?
Is he out yet? Is he back yet again?
Here's the problem. I get mad at Randy...
when he writes these jokes with his daughter...
because as comedians,
we only have so much joke writing juice in the tank every day,
and he's wasting it on these jokes that we cannot do in our act.
So I'm like, you know what? Let's do 'em in the act.
We'll lift the curtain up on the wizard for all of you, right here, right now.
I will do a joke that I wrote with my eight-year-old daughter.
And I guess--[ Audience Cheering, Applauding ]
Thank you.Worth applause.
And will try and doctor it up and make it appropriate for a stand-up comedy stage.
All right? You will literally see how the sausage gets made. Here we go.
Joke I wrote with my daughter.
Why was the bagel standing outside of his house, crying?
Why wasthe bagel standing outside of his house, crying?
Because someone had changed all his lox.
[ Audience Groaning ]
Good for Leno. There you go.
It's a 10:33 zinger right there, okay.
All right. Can I change it?Change it.
Okay. Why was the bagel standing outside of his house, crying?
Why wasthe bagel standing outside of his house, crying?
Because he is a Jew.
How do we know the bagel's Jewish?He's empty inside.
He has a hole at the center of his soul.
Filled with nothing but sadness and cream cheese, which--
A schmear of both.That's right.
How about this joke I wrote with my daughter?
What do you call a quilt that no one will sleep on?
What doyou call a quilt that no one will sleep on?
A quon't. That shit kills at preschool.
It does. I have seen it.Milk out the nose every time.
All right. Can I change this one?Change it.
What do you call a quilt that's been slept on 20,000 times?
What?Quilt Chamberlain.
Boom.There you go.
It's a sports joke, guys, and a really crusty quilt.
That quilt could post up Bill Russell.
That quilt--
Quilt could play all day at the Rucker is what I'm saying.
How about this last one? It's a two-parter.
How does a knife greet another knife?
How doesa knife greet another knife?"Knife to see you."
How does a spoon say good-bye to another spoon?
How doesa spoon say good-bye to another spoon?"See you real spoon."
Silverware jokes!
Okay. What did the fork say to the other fork...
when he cut him off in traffic?What?
Fuck you, bitch. You want a piece of me?
I'll fuck you up, man. You see that? That's a neck tattoo.
See that? That's a teardrop tattoo.
That means I murdered a spork in prison, okay?
Yeah. You forked with the wrong fork, bitch.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
I hate to say it. My daughter's gonna love that joke.She's gonna love that joke.
She loves wordplay.She really does.
Andsilverware jokes.
Oh, man. I just hope the world is around for them when they get older.
'Cause we were recently in the Atlanta airport,
and we saw something that to us signaled the beginning of the end.
Of civilization.Of civilization, okay?
We saw a woman-- Let's start by saying she was not morbidly obese.
She had not yet crossed the Federline, as we like to call it.
She was on a cell phone, so she had enough energy to do this motion.
To hold something to her ear.
She was on a down-going escalator that was working.
And she was sitting down.
Sitting down!Sitting down.
Really, America? That's what it's come to?
Moving stairs is no longer a big enough shortcut for us?
We now have to take a Snickers break on stair two...
of an eight second ride?
I just imagine that woman walks to every elevator and lays down.
She just lays down.
Wake my ass when I get to floor three.Okay?
I can't even snap at four corners when I say something witty.
I gots to snap it, then I gots to nap it.Mm-hmm!
Mama's tired!
Which would have been a perfect one to go four corners.
Worst part about this woman is that it was nowhere near Christmas...
and she was wearing a Santa's hat.[ Groans ]
That says a lot about a person right there. I mean--
We can barely tolerate it around Christmastime.
If it's nowhere near Christmas, you're telling us that you do a lot of day drinking.
That's right. You've slept in your car for a couple weeks on end.
Everyone else is the asshole around you.
That's what you're saying with that thing.
If you get pulled over by the police...
and you're wearing a Santa's hat nowhere near Christmas,
they don't even give you a Breathalyzer.
They're like, "You just blew a point two right there."
That's what you did with that thing.
Because there are things you can't do wearing a Santa's hat nowhere near Christmas.
You can't perform surgery.No, you cannot.
Plastic surgery.You can't even do that.
You can't identify a body.You can't say, "That's my husband."
'Cause someone's gonna look at you and be like,
"It's May. You're wearing a Santa's hat. You are probably single."
"You're not marriage material.
I don't believe you have a husband."
You can't go to your kid's custody hearing wearing a Santa's hat.
You can go, but you're not getting those kids.Not getting those kids.
And we're not hating on the Santa's hat 'cause we're Jews.
No. Although we did-- We grew up in Saint Louis.
Our parents-- We had to protect our Judaism.
Our parents from an early age taught us to hate Christmas.
Vehemently hate Christmas.
On Christmas, we went to five Chinese food restaurants.
We're like, "Yeah. 'Cause we can."Yeah.
Two movies.That's right.
There's a lighting store over in Grafton, Missouri. We're going to that too.
It's owned by Arabs. Who cares?We're going to it.
'Cause we can.
Our parents taught us to hate Christmas,
and only now, as adults, do we realize why.
They were protecting us from Christmas,
because Christmas... is fucking awesome.
It's ridiculous. It is the greatest holiday.
It's your birthday meets Thanksgiving meets eggnog.
Christmas is the Christmas of holidays.
That's it. Let's be honest with it.
So the floodgates open now that I have kids and a family.
I got a Christmas tree in my house.
My kids kind of grow up-- They accept everything.
But as an adult, to come to Christmas, to come to it late--
Some things don't make sense.
I was playing my kids the other day...
Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
By the way, great song.
He took a Christmas song and turned it into a Bruce Springsteen song.
You listen to that song, and you're like,
"Was Santa only going up and down the Jersey Turnpike?"
Maybe. Handing out gifts to burnt-out husks of Chevrolets.
I don't know!
There's a 15-minute sax solo in that song.
In no other Christmas song is there a sax solo.
But here's the thing. You start listening to the words...
of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"--
I was terrified.It's one of the most horrifying songs in the world.
It starts out with a threat--
[ Together ] "You better watch out."
Who says that? People in a prison yard...
who've been fashioning a knife out of a bar of soap.That's right.
You better watch out.You better watch out.
I've been crushing up so much glass to put in your mashed potatoes.
[ Together ] You better watch out.
I got a pillowcase full of cans of Pepsi.
I wanted it to be Coke, but all they had was Pepsi.
It's a prison.It's a prison, damn it.
I'm gonna smack you in the face.
[ Together ] You better watch out.
Then they follow that up with "You better not cry."
That's a good thing to tell a kid.Yeah.
Hold all your emotions in and have it come out as cancer when you're 48.
Great idea, guys.You better not cry.
"Better not pout" is just another way of saying "Shut the hell up."
Mommy needs quiet time.Because Santa Claus is coming to town.
This third-party parenting structure...
is coming to town.
He's gonna take care of something.Here's where it gets creepy.
"He sees you when you're sleeping."
Sees you when you're sleeping.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you've woken up...
and your partner is just staring at you while you're sleeping?
That's a restraining order waiting to happen,
and you've been inside that person.All right?
Now have a 72-year-old guy do it to your five-year-old son.
It's not so fun anymore.Not so funny at that point.
"He knows when you're awake."That's even creepier.
Knows when you're awake.
That's some N.S.A., Wikileaks, surveillance stuff.
He's going through e-mails.
He's getting Google Alerts when you're awake.
It's just crazy.It's so uncomfortable.
You're like, "Who is this freak? Who is Santa Claus?"
Well, he's been fat forever.Right? Never lost the weight,
even though his job is to go down a chimney.That's all his job.
So you have body dysmorphia. That's what that tells me.Type 2 diabetes.
Still gonna eat every cookie in every house he goes to.That's fantastic.
He must respect his wife. Wait, she doesn't have a first name. She's Mrs. Claus.
He's a misogynist. There you go. How about that?
Body dysmorphia, misogynist and he hates animals.
Lose some weight. Take that weight off the sleigh.
Here's the worst part. "Then one foggy Christmas Eve"--
It's foggy.Santa Claus is like, "Let's take it up."
Let's take it up anyway. I don't care.
Hey, man. It's really foggy.Nope. We're taking it up.
I don't think you should--I don't care.
That's how Buddy Holly died.That is how Buddy Holly died.
And the worst part about the whole thing...
is that he does it in a Santa's hat.
That's maybe the worst part of the whole thing.
Artists.I don't trust the guy.
[ Whispers, Indistinct ]
Keep thinking I'm gonna see another person in a Santa's hat at the airport.
We almost didn't even notice that woman in Atlanta.
'Cause when we go to the airport,
all we want to do is just get through security.
That's it.One-track mind. Just get me through to the other side.
And it makes you a douchebag on this side.
But you don't care. You'll justify it by saying--
I'll be a better person on the other side.I'll be so much better.
I'll have so much more time. Maybe I'll teach English as a second language...
next to Relax the Back.
I'll do that.Maybe I'll build a hospital inside of a school...
inside of Tim Tebow's unborn fetus.I'll do that.
I don't care. I'll do it over there.
I'll be a better person on the other side.
And what it does is it desensitizes you...
to anything that's happening on this side of security.
Here's a story to illustrate it. We were at the Vegas airport.
It was 5:30 in the morning. We were behind a Chinese couple.
We don't know if they were Chinese.Could've just been really tired.
It's 5:30 in the morning.We were tired.
Describe the guy.The guy was not Aspergersy at all.
Nope. Totally reading social cues, making eye contact.
Mid-40s, cashmere sweater.
Took his computer out of the bag. Knew to do that.
Maybe he designed that computer.That was the narrative we came up with.
The woman that's with him wasn't his wife,
wasn't his sister, wasn't his daughter, yet she was in love with him.
Let's call her his concubine.I don't know what the official title is.
She pulls a move on the other side of the line,
when they're collecting their stuff,
that we have not seen in our collective 85 years on this planet.
And for the first time in over a decade, we were taken out of this need...
just to get ourselves through security-- We were blown away.
This grown woman took the shoe of a clear-thinking able-bodied 45-year-old man,
put the shoe on his foot and started tying his shoe for him.
We are literally three feet from them,
and loud enough for the entire airport to hear, we were like--
[ Together ] What the fuck is going on right here?
That is sexist.Even though you're both Chinese, that's kind of racist.
It is kind of racist.It's a little racist.
It's really racist right now.
Then this is how desensitized we've become,
and this may be why the terrorists have won.
She started to fumble with the second shoe a bit.
There was a knot she couldn't get out.
She couldn't figure out the shoe.
All of a sudden, the trays through security...
start to clink up against each other.
We can feel the heat from everybody else.We feel they're blaming us.
Now this thing-- that was the most amazing thing...
we've ever seen in our lives a few minutes earlier--
Now we're just pissed that she's not better at it.
That's right. We start to get on her.
Do the shoe thing.You gotta do the shoe thing.
You have one job on this earth, and that's to do his shoes!Tie his shoe!
My God. Where's his belt?Where is his belt? That's a great question.
If I owned you, the belt would be on.
The computer would be in the bag.Do you not understand...
we've got a Hudson News to wander aimlessly around in for 30 minutes?
How do you not get that?
I've got an US Weekly to pick up, leaf through and not buy.
[ Together ] How do you not get that?
[ Applause, Cheering ]
See, when we travel, if we have to pay for ourselves to go anywhere,
we're always like, "What's the cheapest way we can fly?"
I'm like, "Can I sit on his lap?" I would do that.
But if someone's gonna pay for us to go somewhere for a job,
it's suddenly like we've never flown coach in our entire life.
Suddenly we're upstairs at Downton Abbey. We start--[ Both Scoffing ]
We can't go downstairs.
We can't even go with Bates in the side cottage.
So we got flown first-class, for a job, down to New Orleans.
This is a story we're gonna tell you about how we met Richard Simmons.
[ Applause, Cheering ]Yeah.
And he sexually harassed Randy.
Good times.It's a magical story.
It's basically the story of America.It is.
Uh-- Since the Industrial Revolution.
So we get flown to New Orleans,
and we get to go into the first-class lounge.
Another place we don't normally go.
We were very naive. We thought everyone in the first-class lounge...
would be celebrating the fact they were in the first-class lounge.
Party!I don't know what we thought it was gonna be.
The Gathering of the Juggalos or something like that.
People throwing poo at Tila Tequila.
Spraying each other with orange Faygo soda.
[ Imitating Cheering ]Family!
No. It was not that.Turns out the first-class lounge...
is one of the saddest, quietest places on earth.Oh, my God.
It was just a room filled with a bunch of sad, old, rich, bald, white dudes.
It was like Fox News the night Obama won the second time.It was.
It was quiet.
You could literally hear Brit Hume's eyes drooping even further.
People were getting fired from their cubicle. It was weird.
We're like, "I guess we gotta be quiet." We're typing and we're quiet.
All of a sudden, in blows what can only be described as a gay tornado.
A gaynado?A torgaydo?
A sharkgaydo?Sharks with--
It was amazing.
[ Both Talking Excitedly ]
It sounded like eight people, okay?
I turn around. It's not eight people. Oh, no.
It's Richard Simmons in a sky blue, $11, velour jumpsuit.
Now--
How do we know it was $11?He told everybody.
Told everyone in the whole lounge.
I would say it was less of a jumpsuit and more of a jumper.
I have two daughters, so I would say it was less of a jumper and more of a romper.
There you go.Grown man in a romper.
His hair at this point is so wispy,
it was totally messing with the Wi-Fi.
In the whole lounge.
I logged in and out six times while he was standing in that thing.
He brushed by me, and my phone went from three bars down to roaming.
Roaming.Roaming, in America.
He was off the data plan.I had to get a special international data plan...
because of his wispy hair.
It was a crazy first class on this flight.
Crazier than normal, but again, we don't know what that means.
Here's who was in first class with us. Actress Laura Dern.
Which was weird, because we specifically requested a non-Dern flight.
We asked for it, but they didn't give it to us.
Like a kosher meal, you gotta ask for it ahead of time.
So Laura Dern, her mother, Diane Ladd-- another famous actress--
Richard Simmons, his manager, me, Randy-- not sitting together--
attractive black woman, her son...
and her husband, who kind of looked like Avon Barksdale from The Wire.
It wasn't Avon Barksdale from The Wire. It was so much better.
We'll get to it in a minute.
Now the culture when you get on the plane--
This is the way of the plane. If you guys are like us, you do the same thing.
You get on the plane, you get in your seat, you establish your space...
and you expand that space as far as you possibly can.
Manifest destiny to the armrest and beyond.
You might throw an elbow too.
You might throw a Mutombo elbow if you want. Wag a finger if you have to.
We always get an empty seat in between us,
hoping that no one will sit there.
But we're such pessimists that we always assume...
that the biggest guy is always gonna be the guy--6'8", 350.
The guy who's got four Double Downs from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We're like, "Come on, man."
Come on! It's chicken for bread!Chicken for bread!
What are you doing to us?
Then he walks by and doesn't sit next to us.
Everybody on the plane wants a small Asian man...
who can fold himself into an orchid.
That's all we want.
And that dude wants an even smaller Asian woman...
who can fold herself into a paper crane.
That's the way of the plane.
But Richard Simmons is like, "Eff that."
Richard Simmons is like, "You know what? I'm gonna turn us into a sky community,
and I'm gonna be the sky mayor."
This was his plan.Richard Simmons gets up on his chair.
On his knees. Do you understand?
If my daughters did this, I'd be, "Sit down like a normal person."
You're seven years old. Act your age.
Richard Simmons, eyes darting around, hair up like a feral squirrel.
He's all over the place. Looking at everybody, but talking to every--
He changed the molecular--He actually did change the structure of the plane.
He was talking to everybody. He started greeting people,
even though they had just been greeted two steps earlier.
There was a black dude with dreads who walked on the plane,
and he literally repeated over and over--
[ Together ] I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth.
I don't know how he was trying to connect with a black man...
with a Willow Smith song, but... he did.
Then he turned around and spotted Randy and I not sitting together.
He could not wrap his wispy hair around that.
How could two people who look alike not be sitting with each other?
For the next three minutes on the flight, he stood there and he was like--
Wait. Are you you?Are you you?
Are you you?Are you you?
♪ What is going on?
He literally starts writing a Broadway musical.
[ Applause ]
That I would never pay to see.Yeah.
Like Mister Saigon.
Or Guys and More Guys.Whatever his musical would be.
Now the plane takes off, and immediately Simmons just drops.
I think he's dead. I'm like, where is Aaron Hernandez?
Somebody put a mirror under his mouth and see if he's breathing.
It's like someone took the batteries out of your kid's Furby.
He's out.He's out!
I took this opportunity to talk to the woman next to me, find out who her husband was.
It wasn't Avon Barksdale from The Wire.
It was way better. It was the RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan.
Wu-Tang!
Wu-Tang in that house.Amazing.
At this point, we realized if this plane goes down,
we're not even mentioned in the obituary.Oh, no.
It's the RZA, Laura Dern, Richard Simmons and a couple of Jews who look alike.
That's it. If that.
I'd be lucky to get that.
So I was talking to her and I was on the Internet, which was intermittent.
Again, Simmons's hair. So I'm on the Internet,
and I was like, "Have you ever heard of the Wu-Tang Name Generator?"
She had not heard of it.You guys know what it is?
It's a computer program where you type your name in...
and it tells you what your name would be if you were in the Wu-Tang Clan.
It's brilliant.It's so brilliant.
The comedian Donald Glover put his name in there and got Childish Gambino.
That's his rap name.That's so genius, I can't begin to tell you.
So I was like, "Let's have some fun."
We're on the flight. We have some time going back to L.A.
What if we put the RZA in the Wu-Tang name generator?
I'm over here and hear him say that.
I'm like, "Don't do that. You do not wanna do that."
- Why do we not wanna-- - That's like putting tinfoil in a microwave.
You're just asking for problems.
We could go back in time to--
♪ What is going on
Nobody wants that.I was like, I'm gonna use that as motivation.
I'm actually going to put the RZA in the Wu-Tang Name Generator.
I did. And you know what the RZA's Wu-Tang name would be?
Alan Dershowitz.It was amazing.
That's a true story. That's a true story.
It's like it knew because he had the most chutzpah--He really did.
So three-quarters of the way into the flight, Richard Simmons just shoots up.
He's alive.He's up, right? Walks over to Laura Dern.
She's sitting with that wall in front of her in the first row.
He sits with his back to the wall, starts stuffing his legs under her chair.
It's like he's stowing himself away under Laura Dern's seat.Sky blue velour valise.
He's underneath there.
Then he starts talking to her.
Within a minute, they're both openly weeping.
Just sobbing all over first class.It's so uncomfortable.
Then I gotta pee, and here's what happens.
I walk up to pee. He stops me.
Sitting on the floor, tears coming down from his eyes.
He says, "I want to kiss you on the lips, and I want to take you to Italy."
Now, I've known Randy for most of our lives.
I have never heard another grown man say that to my brother.
And the big brother in me-- I'm five minutes older--
should have stepped in and been like, "Hey, Richard. That's hilarious.
He's married to a woman. You're such a great guy."
But the comedian in me was like, "Let's see how this shit plays out."
So he left me--This is gonna be hilarious.
He left me on the vine to deal with it.
I said, "Richard, I'm a happily married man, to a woman.
Are we talking about the Amalfi coast here?"
He'll do that. Separate rooms.
Or a junior suite with a pop-out bed.
So I effectively shut Richard Simmons down,
but here's why Richard Simmons is amazing.
Here's why he took the weight off and has kept it off for so long.
And why he's an inspiration.He is tenacious and he is an inspiration.
He knew that the Italy thing was off the table,
and he's like, "I bet I can still kiss this guy."
So he pretends like he can't hear me...
so I'll lean down close enough and say it to him and he can plant one on my lips.
That is genius.It's brilliant.
He didn't just pretend. He became a put-upon character in a Tennessee Williams play.
He's suddenly-- It's so hot on this plane.
I can't hear what you're saying. It's so hot.
What are we talking about?
He literally becomes a gay Southern Stephen A. Smith.
What are we talking about?
It's like the Staples Center's a glass menagerie.
Kobe Bryant's getting by on the kindness of strangers.
[ Together ] What are we talking about?
Come on, Skip.
So I turn to Laura Dern, who I've never met in my life.
I'm like, "Dern, can you help a brother out?" She just looks at me weird.
All of a sudden Richard Simmons grabs my hand and starts pulling me down.
I'm like, "Dern! Dern! Dern! Dern!"Going down.
Then Richard Simmons takes my thumb,
sticks my thumb in his mouth and starts sucking my thumb.
- Not just sucking his thumb. - He was going at it.
He was nursing on your thumb.
He was like a goat at a petting zoo with nipple confusion.
Going at the thumb.
At that moment, I kind of had an out-of-body experience,
where I started to hover above myself...
and watch this whole situation play out.
I thought to myself, "What would have happened...
if I would have met a woman in the New Orleans first-class lounge,
and then three-quarters of the way into the flight, I started sucking her thumb?"
I'll tell you exactly what would happen.
At that moment, we all would have found out who the air marshal was.
That's right.
So funny. As we were taxiing--
Because you know what? I didn't hate Richard Simmons. I actually like the guy.
He did turn us into a sky-- People were talking to--
White people talking to other white people.
It was amazing.It was a magical thing.
So just for the fun of it, I put Richard Simmons's name in the Wu-Tang Name Generator.
'Cause it's fun to think of Richard Simmons in the Wu-Tang Clan.
Just period.'Cause he'd end every song with,
"And walk it out. Let's walk it out, bitch."
Walk it out, bitch.
I thought how funny would it be if Richard Simmons was in the Wu-Tang Clan.
I put his name in the Wu-Tang Name Generator.
And again--This time, they got it right.
They got it right. You know what Richard Simmons's Wu-Tang name would be?
The Effeminate Wizard.You gotta love that.
That's totally true.You gotta love it.
[ Applause ]Thank you.
So-- You know, again.
This is what we'll leave you with, is that in life--
Again, no matter if things are small or big,
if they don't make sense, question it--
And that's how we bring about change.In this world.
This is such a small thing, but it bothers us so much.
You ever notice that in commercials,
whenever they animate something or personify it,
they always give it a New York accent?
Like all those products come from the same neighborhood in Brooklyn?
Ehh, I'm a lemon from McDonald's.
Ehh, I'm a weed in your goddamn driveway, you stupid idiot.
Why don't you spritz that thing on me, dummy?
Ehh, I'm mucus in your stomach, you fat--
You hairy, gross--Disgusting pig.
Ehh, I'm a scrubbing bubble. Why don't you clean this shithole, all right?
[ Together ] We live in here! Ehh!
Ehh!Ehh!
You never want to see a scrubbing bubble do this. They don't have a chin.
It's so disturbing.
And it's such an antiquated 1940's wise guy accent.
They're still using it on new products in 2014.
I feel like they're gonna stop...
when they come upon a few products where it totally doesn't work.
Ehh! I'm Rosetta Stone! Yeah!
What's the matter? You can't speak another language, you stupid idiot?
Why don't you learn Spanish?Yeah.
¿Cómo se diceI'm an idiot? You should have learned that one first, dummy.
Uno, dos, tres, dummy.Yeah.
Ehh! I'm an American Girl doll.Ehh!
Your daughter likes to brush my hair...
and spend more time with me than she ever did with you, you deadbeat bum.
She's dressed like Sacagawea, you sack of shit.
You sack of hot garbage.
Why don't you spend time with your family?
Ehh! I'm a Kotex tampon.Ehh!
Once a month, I slide up in your wife,
and I go places you'll never go--
[ Together ] Ohh!
Thank you, guys. We're the Sklar brothers. Good night.
Love you.Thank you.
Thank you.
You guys are awesome. Thank you.Thank you.
[ Together ] Thank you.
Come on, guys.
Beautiful.
If we keep cheering, Wisconsin gets the Olympics in 2020. Let's do it.
But it's going up to Rhinelander, if that's okay.
Is that cool?
What's going on up there in Rhinelander?Oh, those guys.
Brandon's so big.
Brandon's so big, he's his own snowmobile track.
We've lived in California, in Los Angeles, for almost 15 years.
This is our 15th year in Los Angeles.
We lived through the entire Governator Schwarzenegger thing.
You know how people talk about Northridge and the earthquake?
That's got nothing on Schwarzenegger.
It was weird, 'cause there would be moments...
when you were high or you were disoriented...
and Schwarzenegger would come on the TV and start giving a speech.
You're like, "Wait a minute. Are we in a Schwarzenegger movie right now?
A shitty Schwarzenegger movie?"
In other words, a Schwarzenegger movie.
Schwarzenegger, I love that he's no longer the governor,
but he spent a lot of time in Sacramento, which is kind of a crazy place.
Not a lot of technology up there. It's a weird place.
He's back doing movies now.We want him to do his movies.
The best thing about every Schwarzenegger movie...
is his clever kill line he delivers right before he kills somebody.
He would always basically murder you twice.
First with his hilarious Austrian wit.
[ Together ] Zoom.
Then he would pop a cap in your ass and you would die.You're done.
I don't have a problem with those things.
It's just that he never fully grasped the English language, which is weird.
And he would always put those things too close together.
Too close together. It was confusing.
Even if you were a guy who deserved to die in a Schwarzenegger movie...
at Schwarzenegger's hand,
your final seconds on earth should be with dignity.
You should have your life flash before your eyes.
You shouldn't be trying to decipher...
whether the guy who just shot you was joking or not.
Which is what they all had to do.
In Commando,he knocks over five huts with one foot,
and then immediately afterwards is like, "Knock, knock."
[ Imitating Automatic Gunfire ]
There were people in those huts.
Very confused people.They were like--
[ Together ] You didn't knock-- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.[ Whimpers ]
Was he joking?I don't know!
I wish I could think about my family right now.
All I can think about is how that guy's been in America for 35 years,
and his accent's gotten worse.[ Both Scream ]
So he is back doing the movies, and I love that he's doing the movies.
And he's old and out of touch, so here's our dream.
Let's ratchet up the confusion.Let's make the confusion his greatest weapon.
We hope that he comes back, does a bunch of new movies,
has a bunch of new clever kill lines.
But all of his new clever kill lines...
have to do with technology that he does not understand.
That to us would be the greatest thing ever.
Everybody's confused in every scene.
I want to see him kick down a door and be like--
Why don't you just Google yourself and use the key word "dead"?
'Cause if I just type the word "dead," they won't know what I'm referring to.
Where are you typing?I'm typing the "D"--
[ Imitates Gunshot ]
There's an app for this.
There's an app for what? Your gun?There's an app for this.
You have Wi-Fi on your gun?I do not know what the Wi-Fi is.
You don't know?But I know there's an app for this.
What app do you have?Google Maps is on my gun,
and now I'm pointing it at your face.
You are not pointing that at my face.
I'm pointing it at your face.
Rerouting. [ Imitates Gunshot ]
You could use Mapquest and find yourself six feet under the ground.
Come on. Do it.Do what?
Log in.You don't log in to Mapquest.
You do log in to Mapquest.
You do log in. Yes, you do.
Who told you?She says so.
Who?Susan.
Susan, the woman who works on--Susan. Yes.
Stop talking to him.Do you log in to Mapquest or do you not?
She says you log in.Why?
To get updates.You don't get updates.
Why don't you talk to her?
Fine. I'll talk--[ Imitates Gunshot ]
Thank you guys so much.Thank you guys.
Henderson. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Thank you. - ♪♪ [ Rock On P.A. ]
Wow. A wild finish there from Madison, Wisconsin.
Kind of a shoot-out, but that's what we were expecting from these guys.
High scoring, lots of jokes, definitely entertaining.
Final thoughts, Dwight Freeney?
These guys are amazing at what they do.
And you've seen it tonight.
I think it was all the conditioning.
Clearly the conditioning came into play, Omar,
- towards the end of tonight's comedy event. - It certainly did.
But you know what I saw? I saw a lot of balance out there.
I saw some hard jokes, some long stories,
but it's gonna be a very interesting off-season for both of them.
I don't know if either one can repeat next year.
Randy was a little Shermanous out there. He held down his side.
Jason wouldn't even come over there.
It was a balanced attack by them, but I give the nod to Randy.
You're not wrong. It's gonna be a heck of an off-season,
as you alluded to there moments ago, Omar.
I'm looking forward to the comedy combine, which is only two weeks away.
Can you guys believe that? It's amazing how time flies.
We're done here, so we're gonna now throw it to Bonnie,
who is with a jubilant Randy-- Bonnie?
[ Applause ]Randy, the crowd still going nuts out there.
Take me back through that last bit.I'm the best in the game.
Don't you try me with the sorry-ass joke construction like that.
That's the result you're gonna get.
Don't you ever talk about me!
Who's talking about you?Crabtree!
What about your brother?He was great.
I thought we did a good job, we were back and forth, had a good relationship.
All right. Crabtree.Don't you ever open your mouth about the best!
You know what? I'm gonna shut it for you right quick! L.O.L.!
L.O.L. indeed. All right.
Bonnie, over to you with a crestfallen Jason Sklar.
Bonnie, thank you. Jay, I can see it on your face.
Such an uncharacteristic performance. What happened out there?
Bonnie, I told these kids. "I said I'm proud of you. You hold your head up.
No matter what happens out there, you did your thing."
There weren't any kids in the audience-- Never mind.
Big question is, you're now a free agent.
Everybody wants to know will you perform with your brother again?
Come on, Bonnie. That's a clown question.
I did it for these kids. It's about the kids.
There were no kids in the audience.Hang on a second.
At the top of this interview, you threw from yourself to yourself.
How did you do that?
[ Distorted Cackling ]