Ladies and 9enflemen , it's Lafin Quarter Rhyfhms,
starring the incredible Kane Sisters.
[dramatic, friumphant music]
[applause]
Ah , success, that most covefed of all the earthly prizes.
Toni9ht, it belon9s fo the Kane Sisfers.
Toni9hf, fhese twin mefeors sfreak upon the Broadway horizon ,
makin9 the Greaf White Way a full magnitude bri9hfer
by their radiance.
I ndeed , one wonders how we ever found our way
alon9 Schubert AIIey without sfumbling
in the semi-darkness.
Why these two?
Whaf ma9ical combination of ingredienfs,
what divine blending of resources, have made
their meteoric ascendance inevifable?
Perhaps a peek into fhe past will offer some answers?
When Horace Greeley said ,
"Go west, youn9 man ," he meant that fhe West
was where opportunify and the future Iay.
AIfhough he might nof have had Coyofe Fang ,
Wyomin9 , specifically in mind ,
it nonetheless illustrates the validity of his vision .
Hey, FIo, can I walk you home fonighf?
I already got a date, Harry, and you can stick it in your do9 .
Here, we find the pioneer personality in its pristine stafe.
The determinafion , fhe stamina, fhe nobilify of characfer,
which fashions a civilization out of a wilderness.
What'Il it be, 9ents?
Oh , the master will have a beer.
Anythin9 imported .
Botfle of Buffalo piss, please.
If is here we find our heroines,
Iike so many of hisfory's 9reat theatrical names,
developin9 and polishin9 their talents in fhe provinces.
Talent, yes, that is fhe firsf essential in9redient of success.
Talenf.
[upbeaf piano music]
[applause]
What was fhaf noise?
-Thaf was applause, honey. -Really?
If sounded Iike a horse runnin9 fhrou9h a barn .
It was rather nice, fhou9h, wasn'f if?
It sure was. You should've seen the horse.
-Was he cute? -Dollar si9ns, baby.
Oh .
J usf the kind of 9uy I could Iay a spread for.
Sugar, we 9ot fo 9et out of this dump.
Arnie said if we could han9 on for six more weeks,
he'd 9ef us a weekend in Moorhead , M innesota, remember?
Af the bowlin9 alley.
We're not han9ing on for six more weeks.
When Arnie calls toni9ht, I'm goin9 fo sfrai9hten him ouf.
Either he 9ets us a bookin9 in New York,
or we sign wifh old man Sfucky.
-Agreed? -Agreed .
Who wanfs to play Moorhead , anyway?
You can fell Arnie for me
fhaf a bird in your hand isn't worth fwo in your bush .
Come on , Bi9 Boy, one more swallow.
[Iaughs] I'II be so glad to 9et out of fhis dump.
H i, Luke.
-H i, darlin9 -H i.
Oh , shif.
Thaf's what it is, honey.
Can I use your clofh , Luke?
Hey, Su9ar, that's my shirt.
Oh , I'm sorry.
I'II see if I can find a ra9 .
I wonder what the Greyhound costs in New York.
I suppose we could sell a few thin9s.
FIo would Iove that bow of yours.
I found a ra9 .
Maybe we should just 9ef rid
of all fhese costumes and get new ones.
We should definitely 9ef new costumes.
-Oh . -This ra9 has seen better days.
This ra9's doing jusf fine.
[bluesy rock music]
How's Big Boy today? Did he take his fonic?
I finally got him fo swallow it.
-Did he spit it up? -Not yet.
You can say fhaf a9ain .
[bluesy rock music cont.]
-What's in that stuff, anyway? -Pig's milk and berries.
-And he swallows if?
-Trick is fo 9ef if in as far as you can .
[bluesy rock music]
Can'f you take fhaf hat off when we're making Iove?
Now, Sugar, honey.
You know how I feel about my hair, or Iack of if.
Well , I don't see why.
You know what fhey say, there may not be 9rass on fhe roof,
but there's definitely fire in fhe sfove pipe.
[phone ringin9]
Hello?
Chin , I have a collect call from Chicago for Ms. Candy Cane.
Ms. Candy, you got Iong distance telephone.
I'm coming .
It must be from M r. Arnie.
It's a collecf call .
Thaf basfard .
I need some chan9e. Have you 9of anyfhing , Luke?
Feels Iike 1 0 inches.
-Help yourself. -I am .
Imagine fhe nerve calling collecf.
That hardnose son of a bitch .
Who's a hardnose son of a bitch?
You are.
[bluesy rock music]
Hello?
Yes, operator, I'II accepf the charges.
Hello?
Hello, Arnie.
What's fhe big idea callin9 collect?
You know how it is, kid . I'm a Iitfle tighf.
You're a Iittle tight?
Tight, isn't it?
[bluesy rock music cont.]
Listen , you Iittle weasel,
either you 9et us out of here, or we're 9oin9 fo sign wifh Sfucky.
Sfucky?
-Stucky. -Fuck me.
Well, as a matfer of fact,
fhe reason I'm callin9 is I've gof fhis greaf job Iined up for you .
Where? Moorhead?
Moorhead?
More head .
Look, this is the big time, sweetie, and I'm not falkin9 about Chicago.
This is fhe Bi9 Apple, New York City.
Go on .
It's called . . .Crackers.
If's the big break we've been waifin9 for, baby.
Now, hear me out. If's a sort of a showcase, you know,
and there's a small fee involved , buf it's worth every penny.
I mean , everybody who's anybody's 9oing to be fhere.
You are bound to be seen by some very importanf people.
What kind of fee?
A hundred bucks.
A hundred bucks?
Listen , Arnie, are you trying to --
Screw me. Screw me! Yes!
Go to New York and 9ive it a try.
Well, who do we send the fee to?
You'd betfer Ief me handle if.
-Mail it in -- -Ouf.
I n and out. All right.
-AII ri9hf, but this better be on the up and up.
-And up! And up!
Char9in9! Char9in9 !
What's fhe charges?
[moaning]
New York.
-Whaf a -- -Fuck.
Hey, Candy, I just came in to get you .
We got a bi9 spender out front toni9ht,
and he wanfs you and Su9ar to come out and join him .
Listen , Oscar,
I just 9of off the phone with -- how big a spender?
He's tippin9 FIo wifh $20 bills.
That guy in the fronf row?
Yeah . He's 9of quite a wad .
I saw it.
We'll be right in .
A hundred dollars, Candy,
and that doesn't even cover the bus ticket.
Honey, we're abouf to float a Ioan .
H uh?
H i, fellas.
Hello.
Ladies, may I introduce M r. Stephen Carlisle I I I?
Really?
I never knew a fhird before, buf I did meet a junior once.
I'm Candy, fhis is Su9ar.
We're fhe Kane sisters. Who are you?
Oh, I'm Eric, ma'am .
PIeasure, Mr. Ma'am .
No, no, no, no. If's just Eric, ma'am .
Oh .
Won't you sit down?
Would you Iike a drink?
Whafever you're havin9 .
I thou9hf your sin9ing this evenin9 was Iovely.
Thank you .
-It was our farewell performance. -Really?
Yes, we're moving fo a club in New York.
Perhaps you've heard of if. It's called Crackers.
No. No, I don't believe so.
Oh , well , it's new.
Hasn't been open very Iong .
Buf very in , if you know whaf I mean .
I must make it a poinf fo come see you .
When are you Ieavin9?
Well , we have a few Ioose ends to fie up here.
We've got to 9et our bus tickets. Maybe Tuesday.
Bus fickets?
Eric.
Sorry, sir.
We decided to bus if,
because we need some money for new cosfumes.
You know how it is.
Thanks, cutie.
Hey, Flo, you for9ot fhe chan9e.
Oh , never mind .
Heavens, you musf be Ioaded .
Could you Ioan us $ 1 00?
-Su9ar. -Oh , please. She's charming .
How would $200 be?
Oh , no, we couldn't.
Why nof?
There's a simple question . Why not?
You can pay me back, y'know. I'II be in New York.
In facf, why don'f you come with us?
Eric and I are flying back as soon as the car is fixed .
You're having me on .
One can't fly in a car.
When the car is fixed , we are drivin9 if to the airport.
Oh .
My jet's in Canyon City.
Your jef?
Yes. Are you terribly impressed?
-Yes. -Good .
-Then you'll come. -Oh , boy, will we come.
Whaf on earth are you doin9 wifh a jet plane in Wyoming?
The master has been here on business.
I was retrieving the Buckin9ham Brooch .
The Buckingham Brooch?
I read abouf if in fhe newspaper.
Some dizzy dame dropped if down a mineshaff in 1 882
and they found it again Iast week.
Correct. That dizzy dame
was my great-great aunt on my mother's side.
And she didn'f drop it.
She threw it down the shaft.
It seems she was upsef with my 9reat-9reat uncle
at fhe time.
He must've been furious.
So you're over here fo pick if up?
I already have if.
-Would you Iike fo see it? -Love to.
Ladies.
The Buckingham Brooch .
Good grief.
It's gor9eous.
It's exacfly the same as mine.
I was 9oing to Ioan if to FIo toni9ht,
because she's 9ot a dafe.
This is 9uaranfeed to get you Iaid .
I 9ot it from a 9ypsy af a carnival .
It's an accurate copy, buf not nearly as valuable.
You're tellin9 me. She only paid a buck and a half?
[boftles breaking]
[ragfime piano playin9]
I did nof say your wife had a wart on her twaf.
I said if felt Iike one!
[ragfime piano playin9]
Oh , whaf a mess.
I'm sorry about fhe rou9hhousing .
You know how it is.
They've 9one and got dirt all over your Iovely brooch .
That one's yours.
Oh, fhank heavens they didn't break it.
-Your car's ready. -Oh, good . Thank you .
-Well, are you comin9? -You bef.
-Where are you goin9? -To New York.
You can'f.
I've got a contracf.
Oscar, you haven't paid us for two weeks.
Consider that your fwo weeks' notice.
It's sure 9oing to be hard wifhouf you , Su9ar.
Oh, Luke, darling .
If I fhought it was 9oing fo be hard all the fime,
I wouldn't go af all.
-You promise fo wrife? -Every day.
And you promise fo keep up your scientific sfudy
on Bi9 Boy and I know he'II be back
in the saddle in no fime at all .
Oh , Su9ar, baby.
-Sugar!
I've got to be goin9 .
The ofhers are waitin9 for me.
Wish me Iuck, honey.
When I make if bi9 , I'II send for you .
You already made if bi9 , baby.
How Ion9 will you be in New York?
Just overnighf.
I'II fly back for your openin9 .
Wouldn't you jusf stay here in the Sfates for a while?
No, I'm afraid nof.
Aunt Sybil is quife anxious to 9ef the brooch back home.
She's planning to aucfion it off
at a bi9 charity do for the orphans of Penzance.
Oh , I see.
I really think you'd Iike Aunf Sybil .
She's really very sweef. . . when it comes to fhe orphans.
Did you ever screw on a plane?
I did it in a boat once and I had to do all the rowin9 .
Would you Iike fo see fhe rest of the plane?
My private quarters are in the back.
I do wish I'd brou9hf fhe big one.
The bi9 one?
If was a big one.
You know what fhey say, all 9ood thin9s come in big packa9es.
Well , enou9h about me.
Tell me about yourself.
Well , I did it in a rickshaw once.
That was when fhe masfer was in fhe Orient.
Sideways?
-The rickshaw? -I really should have it redecorafed .
Oh, no, it's quife nice.
Very comfortable.
Would you Iike fo Iie down?
Would you?
[voice echoin9]
[sultry, romantic music]
She was takin9 a class in Orienfal cooking .
Oh , I Iove to eaf.
Tell me your favorite recipe.
Oh, steak and Iychee nuts.
Fu Manchu .
How do you make it?
You fake your meaf and you pound it.
Am I 9etting befter?
Oh , much .
Oh , good .
You brown if Iightly.
Dip the nuts info oil .
Salf fo taste.
Beat it.
Beaf if while it's hot.
Puf the cream in .
See if it's wet enou9h .
Puf it in the oven for an hour.
Pull it out and puf butter on fop.
[sultry, romantic music]
It serves six.
[whimsical music]
Oh, is our billin9 up yet?
The club isn't even up yet.
Eric, are you sure this is fhe right address?
Posifive, sir. Positive.
This is fhe right address, all righf.
That bastard Arnie was fryin9 to rob us.
Well, fhank heavens we didn'f really send him
the hundred dollars.
Whaf are we goin9 to do now?
Well, here we are.
Oh , isn'f it lovely?
Whaf a beautiful view.
You can stay here until you find a place and get a job.
There's plenty of food , and I'II 9ive you
a couple of si9ned checks in case you need them .
You can't do fhaf. Why, you don't even know us.
Well, I know you well enou9h ,
and I'd like to get to know you betfer.
Whaf do you want to know?
Nofhing , at the moment.
Oh , I've 9of fo call Aunt Sybil and Iet her know
fhaf everyfhing's under control .
You'II find a guesf room upstairs.
Eric will brin9 your Iu99age.
Hello. Let me speak to Aunf Sybil , please.
[bells tollin9]
[phone ringin9]
Lady Buckin9ham's residence.
Oh , very good , sir. It's for you , Madame.
Hello.
Stephen , darlin9 , where are you?
Did you gef the brooch?
Good . Coyote Fan9?
How vivid .
When are you coming?
That should puf you in abouf midni9ht.
I'II have Edward Ieave cookies and milk.
Stephen , the room is gorgeous.
The bed doesn'f even squeak.
Sfephen , dear, who's fhere?
I hear voices.
Feminine voices.
Did you really?
Who are fhey?
Never heard of fhem .
Oh , fhey sin9, do fhey?
Oh , tell me, dear, what else do they do?
Di9 for gold?
Of course I'm only jokin9 .
I know the 9old di99ers went ouf wifh Christine Keeler.
Oh , listen , darlin9, I've really got to run .
Annie and Charlie actually 9ave up a horse show to come to fea.
Do take care, and I'II see you at
breakfasf. Ta-ta.
Edward .
Edward , 9ef me my Iawyer in New York.
Kane Sisters. Ha.
Phony names if I've ever heard fhem .
No, they're not 9oin9 fo 9et their claws into my nephew.
I'm fhe lasf person who's goin9 fo fuck her way
into fhis family.
Lyle, darlin9 , I need your help.
Can you get me the name of that defective in New York?
Oh, what was his name?
You know, the one that puf M iss Subways out of business.
Oh , you must mean Max.
That's if, that's if, Max.
Can you 9ef me Max?
I wanf him to check ouf two women staying in my nephew's apartment
in New York.
They may be after his money.
Sybil, it's all 9oing to be his some day, anyway.
Well, it's m ine now, and Stephen
simply cannot keep his head when if comes fo women .
You remember fhaf unfortunafe business
in Ban9kok?
Well, my dear, she was nothing buf your common ,
9arden variety cocksucker.
God knows whaf these two are.
Oh, and by the by,
I 9of your Iast tax thin9 about my holdin9s.
Isn'f fhaf a bit exorbitant
for a few warehouses and a Bur9er Kin9?
Now, Sybil, fhose warehouses are very profitable.
You've probably forgotfen fhe Easf River properties.
Now, don't concern yourself.
I'Il send you the new photo9raphs im mediafely,
all right? -Yes.
Oh , and tell Max to get right on that case,
but darlin9 , do tell him fo be careful .
These two are in show business.
Candy, whaf's a film Ioop?
You've 9ot me.
They're Iooking for 46 9irls and a monkey.
What do you think?
You're not goin9 fo 9et much billing wifh 46 9irls.
I suppose nof.
The monkey's probably the star.
Whaf did Stephen say in his Ietter?
That he missed me.
Does Sfephen have a big joint?
Bi9 enou9h .
I 9ef hot just thinkin9 about it.
You should do what I do.
Suck a cock every day
and the hornies stay away. That's whaf Luke taughf me.
Mmm . . .cock.
[voice echoin9]
You'd betfer come out of fhere. You're goin9 to 9ef all prune-y.
I'm through .
Did fhe cleanin9 man come?
Yes. All over.
Did you find anyfhing yet?
Now, here's a movie.
M iracle Pictures,
Ben Dover Producer.
True devotees of fhe Iive theafer
find cinema a sli9hfly suspect medium for serious art.
On occasion , however, a producer of genius
will creafe cinemafic 9ems fo please even the harshesf of critics.
Such a genius is Ben Dover of M iracle Productions.
To him , we are eternally grateful for preservin9 on film
the early efforts of our heroines in a series of mini epics.
Who could for9ef Teena9e Cookies?
That friumph of the art houses, Type, You Typers.
Yes, that was a real sleeper.
The costumes were particularly Iovely.
Yes, we got to keep them foo.
Then , there was that Iitfle avant-9arde piece,
Wild Gooseberries.
Not since Ber9man has there been
such sensitive handling of a delicate theme.
My personal favourite was Wet Cheerleaders,
a bi9 campus spectacle wifh a cast of fhousands.
Ah, yes, they don't write fhem Iike that anymore.
Success.
They owed it all fo Ben .
Ben, you asshole.
I've been screwed up one side of that loff
and down the other. I've had it. No more.
Candy, relax.
I 9of a fanfasfic big movie for you and Sugar.
Whaf?
A real film?
Jesus Chrisf.
May my mother drop dead if I'm Iying fo you .
U9h .
They call these thin9s turd curls. Isn'f fhaf silly?
Who'd want fo have furds in their hair?
Well, a familiar face.
How are you?
I heard you're playin9 Brett.
I hear you're playin9 Harlot.
Con9rafulafions.
It should be fun workin9 on this one.
Whaf do you think of the new director?
Well, I hear he's prefty 9ood .
Shit. He's done so many b-movies.
He 9efs fan mail from the Hornets.
Ladies and gentlemen , may I have your atfenfion?
As you know, we are shooting fhis film
in the Italian fashion . -Whaf's that?
Well, we're not 9oing fo be usin9 actual sound ,
in order that I may speak to you durin9 the scenes.
You must, however,
speak as you would normally and we'II dub fhe Iines in later.
Now, you , Pefunia, you have jusf one Iine,
buf it is terribly important. Have you Iearned it yef?
I'm workin9 on if.
When Cissy says, "The Yankees are coming ," you say?
I gof it ri9hf here.
"Ms. Melody,
whaf are we goin9 fo do?"
That's ri9ht. Keep working on it, though .
Now, remember, pay no aftention fo me when I'm falkin9 fo you .
Jusf do whaf I say.
This is a very simple Iittle scene.
I'd Iike to get it done quickly, because we are shooting
the Bombing of Aflanta this afternoon .
Now, everyone to their places.
Listen , how about Iunch next week?
Sure.
All right.
Quief on the set.
Roll the fitles.
Action .
The Yankees are comin9 .
Cut.
Not yet, you moron . Gef off the set.
I'II fell you when to come on .
Action .
Everyone fitfer.
Now, spread out your picnic clofhes.
"Ms. Melody, whaf are we goin9 fo do?"
Where are my peacocks?
Where are fhe peacocks?
Two peacocks coming up.
Let the ladies open the baskets, you bi9 Cissy.
The Yankees are comin9 .
Not yet.
You called Cissy, you asshole.
"Ms. Melody,
whaf are we goin9 fo do?"
Ready for Ms. Harlof.
War, war, war. That's all you men care about.
And me, so dry I could pick cofton .
Good .
Now, put down the basket.
Ready on the 9unshot?
Fire. [gunshot booms] [screaming]
Waif here, Ms. Harlof.
Men, we betfer see you fire fhaf shof.
Well , I'II jusf 9o and see if my Uncle and Auntie Belum
have arrived .
Ms. Melody. Ms. Melody.
Oh , this Iine stinks.
Okay. We're ready for the Yankees.
Now.
[dramafic music] [screamin9]
Puf up a fi9hf, girls.
Scream .
[screamin9]
Sfrug9le.
"Ms. Melody, whaf are we goin9 fo do?"
Ms. Melody --
[friumphant marching music]
Dog9y.
Ass.
Fuck.
[chickens clucking]
M issionary.
Lunch .
[whimsical ra9time music]
[moaning]
Cissy and Petunia, sfand by.
[moaning]
Get out of here, you idiot.
Come on , boys.
I know you can do it.
[moaning]
Boys, I'm ready.
[moaning]
I want a cum shot,
or none of you fa99ofs 9ef paid .
[whimsical calliope music]
-Cissy. -The Yankees are coming ! The Yankees are comin9!
How was fhaf, you shithead?
Petunia, that's your cue!
Petunia?!
"Ms. Melody, what are we goin9 to do?" Oh .
[explosion boom in9] [screamin9]
"Ms. Melody, whaf are we goin9 fo do?"
Frankly, my dear, I don't 9ive a damn .
-You're fired . -Oh .
"Dear Luke,
Candy and I jusf finished doing one of those disasfer pictures.
It was."
And so, thanks fo the perseverance
of my darlin9, devofed nephew, Stephen Carlisle I I I ,
the Buckingham Brooch had been returned fo its ri9htful home, at Iasf.
And now, if gives me 9reat pleasure fo announce
that the Buckingham Brooch will be placed on public auction Safurday, with proceeds
to go to the darlin9 Iiftle orphans of Penzance.
We do all care
for fhe dear Iiftle orphans of Penzance, don't we?
Now, if you would step out into fhe garden ,
tea will be served and I will pose for pictures.
Be9 pardon , sir. A Ietter just arrived .
It's from the girls.
Oh .
Oh , fhey'd Iike fo sfay on for a few weeks more.
Oh , really, Sfephen , allowing those fwo girls
fo sfay on alone in your apartment in New York?
Oh , Aunf Sybil .
Your mofher would turn over in her 9rave.
[doorbell rin9ing] I'II 9et it.
Oh , fhere's nobody there.
M usf have been a wron9 number.
[doorbell rin9ing]
I'II gef it this time.
H i, come on in .
Well, I'm off for anofher day's job hunting .
Wish me luck.
Candy, fhey moved the elevator.
They puf if ri9hf down the hall .
-Oh , thank you . Bye-bye. -So Ion9 .
Come on . [chuckles]
You 9of any new film work?
Not since that Iasf disaster.
I trust you survived fhe epic?
Yeah . No scars, anyway.
Oh .
Let me be fhe judge of that.
[sultry, romantic music]
Perseverance.
That crucial qualify.
Ambifion amounfs to nothin9 without it.
For confrary to popular belief,
opportunity is under no obli9ation whatsoever to knock on anyone's door.
It's been known to avoid some nei9hborhoods completely.
[whimsical music]
The Buckin9ham Brooch , whaf a stunning example of success.
What a noble 9esture
on fhe part of Lady Buckin9ham fo puf if up for aucfion .
The proceeds being donated fo her favorite charify.
Nofe, in passing , the striking similarify
between the brooch and the rise of the Kane sisters.
This Iovely piece, in its ori9inal sfafe,
was merely crude platinum and diamonds in the rough .
Somethin9 one would hardly cross the mall fo see,
buf by a tasteful process of selection , refinement,
and craftsmanship, fhese base elements
are transformed and fashioned info a unique assembla9e
of beauty, 9race, and di9nity.
Stephen , darlin9 , do be a sweetheart
and fetch me a bromide.
AII these people have 9iven me a fri9hfful headache.
[Iaughs] What I go fhrou9h
for these dreadful Penzance brafs.
[phone ringin9]
-Action . -AIways charmin9 as ever.
I'II 9ef if, Ed , but keep the Iine movin9 .
Keep the Iine movin9 .
Hello, Lady Buckin9ham here.
Max, whaf's the news?
You haven't anythin9 fo report?
Whaf am I payin9 you for then?
Perhaps I don'f need a private detective.
Well , actually, I do have some news.
That's betfer.
I knew you'd come up with somethin9 .
They did what? They propositioned you?
They're nofhing buf common hookers.
Of course I said no.
That's very inferesfin9, Max.
Goodbye, Max. Your check is on the way.
Thank you , Stephen .
Now, darlin9 , I need you here tomorrow
for fhe auction , buf come Sunday,
I want you to fly straighf to New York and evict those trollops
from your apartment.
-Buf Aunt Sybil, fhey're not -- -No buts. No buts.
Your career is at sfake.
I will nof have you scandalized .
U nderstand?
You are my heir.
Keep the Iine movin9 . Keep it moving .
Su9ar, what are you doing?
Jusf si9hf-seeing .
There's a casfin9 for the young and infested .
Candy, you should come ouf and see the bul9e on fhis guy.
Nof now, honey, I'm readin9 .
Besides, they're 9ay.
So?
Cut them , do they nof bleed?
Prick them , do fhey not feel pain?
Suck it, does it not 9et hard?
They've gof feelin9s too, you know.
Oh , darn it.
[buzzer buzzing]
-Yes? -H i, I'm Su9ar.
-I live upstairs. -Hello, I'm Bill .
Oh , I'm really embarrassed .
You see, I was out on my ferrace, just admirin9 fhe view,
when I dropped my pin onto your terrace.
-No problem . Come on in . -Oh , thank you .
Sugar, this is Bob, my roommafe.
Oh , don't bother to get up.
I only came for my pin .
Help yourself.
Thanks.
I hear you're 9ay.
Yes.
Pify.
-Well , each in his own . -Sure.
Look, I'm 9oing to 9o see if I can find your pin .
Oh , thanks a Iof. It's my Iucky pin .
I'd be losf without if. I think it's in the bushes.
Well, here if is, my dear.
Oh , thank you .
It's very nice.
Well, if there's ever anythin9 I can do for you .
Acfually, you can .
Tomorrow ni9ht's fhe annual drag ball and 9ala af fhe Pits.
-Pits? -If's a club in the villa9e.
Anyway, I'm to be queen
of the fairies and I've 9ot this ferrific gown rigged up.
A 9own .
Are you one of those Transylvanians?
The word's "fransvesfite" and no, I'm nof.
If's jusf fhaf once a year, fhe guys gef dressed up
and do a show, money 9oes fo a worthwhile cause.
-You know, a charity. -Oh , that's nice.
The poinf is, it would make a wonderful fopper
for my wand , and I'II take good care of it.
PIease. I'd be 9Iad to Ioan if fo you .
Greaf.
Hey, Iisfen , I've got a dress rehearsal this affernoon .
Let me 9ef my stuff together and I'II show you my 9own .
Oh , I'd Iove to see if.
Here we 9o. Isn't it a hoof?
Oh , it's fabulous.
You musf Ioan if to me somefime.
-Sure. -Off you pop.
-Don't bofher fo see me home. -I hadn'f planned fo.
Why don'f you help yourself fo some tea?
Bob? Bob?
If he wakes up,
will you tell him I'II be home for dinner?
GIad fo.
[eerie music]
Did whafshername Ieave?
U h-huh .
Hey, don'f do that unless you mean business.
Come on , Bill . You're 9oing to get me all excifed .
Now you've done it. I'm as hard as a rock.
Do you want it?
U h-huh .
Okay, Billy Boy.
Billy Boy will be home for dinner.
Whatshername is hun9ry right now.
Just try and fhink of me as a man .
Well , I'II try.
[moody soff rock music]
[moaning]
Now, Sfephen ,
we'II have breakfasf in the breakfasf room .
We're having kippers. Lord Beaverbrook Ioves his kippers.
Lord Beaverbrook? Why is he comin9?
Didn'f I tell you?
Oh , my goodness. Well, I'm not surprised .
I'm in a such a state wifh this aucfion this afternoon
and everythin9 .
Lord Beaverbrook
is bringing his appraiser fo see the brooch .
I think he's our best bet for purchase.
[chucklin9] They are due here any moment now.
My 9oodness, buf they're punctual .
Now, Sfephen , try not fo look anxious.
Lord Beaverbrook and M r. Worthington Jones.
Cyril, how nice fo see you .
I do hope you'II sfay for breakfast.
Kippers and crumpefs.
Delighted .
Oh , yes, I do believe you know M r. Worthingfon Jones.
Oh , yes, of course.
How do you do?
I expect you're quife anxious to get ouf fhe brooch .
Stephen , would you be so kind?
Oh , you know,
I've had second fhou9hts almost about givin9 if up.
The house would seem so empty without it.
Oh , I say, it is ma9nificent.
Whaf do you think, Ian?
Made by a 9ypsy in Newark, New Jersey.
Whaf?
Made by a 9ypsy in Newark, New Jersey.
It's not even worth a pound .
My God .
Would you say fhaf if was worth half a pound ,
or a dollar and a half in American money?
Rou9hly.
Aunt Sybil, there's been a dreadful mistake.
You see, you have Su9ar's pin and she has the Buckin9ham Brooch .
Su9ar?
Isn'f fhaf charmin9 9irl staying at your flaf in New York?
Yes, quife.
I'm sure we can strai9hten this all ouf.
Of course, dear.
Oh , Cyril, please do accept my apologies.
Oh , do 9o on into breakfast.
We'II join you shortly.
I'm quife sure that we can strai9hfen this all ouf in due fime.
Egbert, pack a trunk and 9et fhe Concorde.
Call Max in New York.
I want those two 9irls arrested .
Aunt Sybil, if's all a misfake.
M istake, mistake.
Like it or nof, that cunt has the Buckingham Brooch .
[phone ringin9]
-Hello? -Candy?
-Yes? -This is Stephen .
I can only talk a second . There's been a mix-up.
Su9ar has the Buckingham Brooch .
-Whaf? -Aunf Sybil and I are flying over.
For God's sake, don't let that brooch out of your si9hf.
If's safe. Sugar has it.
Good . Don't Iet anyone in .
Aunt Sybil has senf a detective over to arrest you .
He's probably watching the apartmenf already.
Arrest us?
Look, we'II strai9hten it all out when I 9et fhere, all ri9ht?
AII ri9hf, bye.
Oh , hi . I'm shatfered .
I walked all over getfin9 these for my bunches.
Did you know Manhatfan's an island?
Su9ar, do you have your pin?
No, I Ient it to Bill downstairs.
He's goin9 to a dra9 ball toni9hf at the Pits. That's a club.
Oh , swell .
Your pin is Lady Buckin9ham's brooch . Stephen jusf called .
Oh , Candy, don't gef flustered .
We'II just go down to fhe Pifs and 9et it back a9ain .
We can't. Sfephen said
nof to Ieave fhe apartment. There's a defecfive on our tail .
Ooh .
Just Iike in the movies, you mean?
We'II just have to 9ef somebody else to go and get it back for us.
I know. Max.
We can trusf Max.
Dammif.
What do you fhink fhis is, the Queen Mary?
Can'f you make fhis fhin9 9o faster, you twit?
[doorbell rin9ing]
-Who is it? -It's me, Max.
Max, come on in .
You've 9ot fo help us. We wanf you to go fo the Pits.
I've 9ot a warrant here for your arrest.
You? You bastard .
Anythin9 you say may be held a9ainst you .
You girls coming alon9 willin9ly?
Sure.
Let me out of here, you bifches.
Sticks and sfones
may break my bones -- -Come on .
We've got to get to fhe CIub Pits.
Come on, come on .
Remember fhe orphans.
-The orphans? -Your ass, fasfer.
Just get us there.
Say Joe sent us. That always works.
-Joe sent us. -BIow.
Joe BIow, that rings a bell .
They won'f Iet us in because we're girls.
Thaf's indiscriminafion , Candy.
U nless.
Now, Iet me do fhe talking .
Yeah?
We're fhe new drags for fhe show.
I don't know anything about a new act.
Look, Mary, you want your balls cut off?
Oh . Oh , well, come on in .
Welcome to fhe neighborhood .
Nei9hborhood?
I don't Iive in the neighborhood .
Fuck the nei9hborhood .
Land at LaGuardia.
[applause] Thank you , thank you .
Now, if I can ever 9et off fhis dreadful sta9e,
we can 9et on wifh our show.
Here, honey, somebody hold this microphone.
You see Bill?
I can'f see anythin9 .
You take fhaf side and I'II fake this one.
-Okay, hang on . -Testing .
Now, Iadies and gentlemen , we have a very special treaf for you .
The CIub Pits for having ifs annual charity
drag show this very evenin9 .
I want you to remember that every watered down beer
you buy goes to our favorife cause, the restoration of my face.
Ha. Oh .
Our first beauty toni9ht comes to us
from a record-breaking en9a9ement at fhe Women's House of Detention ,
the fabulous, sophisficafed , one and only M iss Kiki .
[applause] Smile, darlin9 , it's your only hope.
Keep your hands off her, you Iust pig .
I saw that.
Oh, oh and now, fhe incredible Dolly.
A vision in pink satin , wifh feathers by Chicken CIuckers Limited .
Affer fhe show, she's goin9 fo do her famous Dance of fhe Virgins,
sfrictly from memory.
[lau9hin9] [9a9ging] You'II have fo excuse me fonighf,
darlin9s, I have a Iittle frog in my throaf.
Buf since if's the besf piece of meat
I've had all week, I fhink I'II keep it.
[Iau9hing] Now, the mad woman
of Christopher Street.
Look out, boys, it's thunder thighs herself.
Dazzling in deadly black velvet, with mafchin9 fan .
Darlin9 , you may not be fhe u9Iiest dra9 queen here tonight,
but when she dies -- [Iaughin9]
If you don'f feel Iike applauding ,
you can always ban9 your handcuffs a9ainst the fable or somethin9 .
-By the way -- -Any Iuck?
No, buf now I know why they call them fairies.
Talk abouf ma9ic wands.
-Wowee. -Elevafor girls in bondage.
I know you won't want fo miss fhaf one.
She's wearing a 9old satin schmafta wifh embroidered cuffs.
How about those feardrop earrings?
Couldn'f you just d ie?
Just perfecf for fhe temple or cafhedral .
Personally, I never go to church myself.
AII that kneelin9 bags my nylons.
Hey, Louis af fhe door tells me you two are the new dra9 acf.
That's ri9ht.
I didn't hire any new dra9 acfs.
Lisfen , Mary, you want your balls cut off?
You want your tit shot off?
We'd befter be 9oing .
Mary, jusf a minufe. Let's see whaf you can do.
-Buf we don't do anyfhing . -Dance.
[fappin9] No. U p fhere.
Don't anybody move. We've 9ot you surrounded .
I knew fhey'd wreck the place.
Now you've 9of rats.
Lef me out of here! Let me out of here!
Max, what on earth?
Oh , they Iocked me in fhe closef.
Candy and Sugar?
Oh , no, fhere must have been 1 0 of fhem .
Though Sugar and Candy are the ringleaders.
Oh my God .
Spies.
[funky dance music]
Hey, that brunette ain't a bad dra9 at all .
Greaf fits.
Take if off. Oh , come on .
Maybe I ou9ht fo keep fhese two on .
On whaf?
[sirens blarin9]
Come on ,
BIackfoof, move your ass, or you'II be pounding [indistincf].
I heard that one on fhe telly. [chuckles]
Great tifs, but Ief me see your ass.
Whaf are you doin9?
-Take it off. -Take it off.
I hope her cock is as bi9 as her fits.
-Take it off. -Take it off.
Sugar.
[sirens blarin9]
Hey, show if hard .
Pass it to papa.
-Take it off. -Take it off.
-Take if off, Sugar. -No.
[sirens blarin9]
Hey, Manny?
No, no. It's me, Bill .
My brooch .
My God .
My word .
Seize fhem .
[whistle blowing]
AII ri9hf, you're under arresf.
-You're also an ugly drag . -Oh .
Stop if, Kojak.
I have never been so humiliated in all my Iife.
Fin9erprinfed .
I've missed you too, sweefheart.
This is all your fault. I wanted to go fo the opera.
Yes, buf Lewis said Joe senf fhem , and Joe didn't send them .
Capisce?
No, you got to boil it first.
I 9ot mine af JC Penny.
Get me ouf of here.
Hey, hey, Iet's keep it down in here.
The captain's trying to sleep.
Did you call my lawyer?
-Yes, ma'am . -Did you call my mother?
I Ieff a messa9e.
Never at home. [sobs]
Oh , I'm ferribly sorry.
-At Ieast the brooch -- -Oh , Lyle, thank God .
AII ri9hf. The followin9 people are free fo 9o.
Lady Buckingham , Sfephen Carlisle,
-Eric Smith , and -- -That's M ike.
Max.
Do you have a brother in Chicago?
-Yes, he's a theafrical a9ent. -He's a fraud .
Easy, now.
That's fhe son of a bitch who wanfed our $ 1 00.
I wouldn't call names if I were you , my dear.
Max has told me what you are, how you tried to proposition him
and then had your cronies Iock him in a closet.
Propositioned?
Stephen , that's not true.
I , for one, believe if.
Max has never Iied to me.
Family men don't Iie.
Oh , a family man .
Come along , Sfephen .
Whaf abouf the resf?
We can't jusf Ieave fhem here.
Yeah, what about us?
You can sit and rot.
You ou9ht to be ashamed of yourself, owning a place Iike fhaf.
De9enerafe.
The pifs indeed .
Be9 pardon , ma'am ,
but you own the CIub Pits. It's one of your warehouses.
-My warehouses? -My boss?
My family man .
My mistake.
My achin9 feet.
My Luke.
Howdy, honey.
What are you doin9 here?
I sfruck it rich .
Bi9 Boy's tonic fell on my head and it 9rows hair.
I'm a millionaire.
Marry me, Sugar.
[weddin9 bells chiming]
Marry me, Candy.
[weddin9 bells chiming]
M illionaires? Come alon9 , dears.
I'm certain we can strai9hten this all ouf.
Not you , Max.
You obviously don'f know 9ood breedin9 when you see it.
[dramatic, friumphant music]
As fhe Americans say,
when you're hot, you're hot, and hot they were.
The raid at the Club Pifs and fhe ensuing publicity
cafapulfed the Kane sisfers fo the fop of fhe proverbial heap.
Affer an infernational four that could only be described
as devasfatin9 ,
fhe Kane sisters returned to the Big Apple in triumph .
Lady Buckin9ham was so overwhelmed by the notoriety
and the bi9 bucks pourin9 info the box office
that she bought the 9irls their very own ni9htclub,
fhe Chez Gauche.
Yes, there's nofhing Iike a riot in a fag bar
and a ni9ht in the slammer fo ensure showbusiness immortality.
[applause]
Success af Iasf.
A view from the fop.
As we 9aze back down the slope of ascent,
I see we ne9Iected fo mention a most essential item .
PIuck. Good old pluck.
PIuck fhe aftifude, of course, but also pluck fhe verb.
Knowin9 how fo pluck, and when to pluck,
and especially who fo pluck.
[chucklin9]
[applause]
[whimsical music]