- Hey, let me help you with these things.
This is nice us working together like this.
- What's goin' on, Ray?
- Okay, all right. Here's the thing:
Robert and the guys, they, uh,
wanna go golfing tomorrow,
and I said, "No! No way!
Because it's the weekend,
and the weekend is for family!"
But then-- - Ray, Ray, Ray.
Spare me. You wanna play golf, go ahead.
- Really? 'Cause I had a lot more prepared.
- Ray, just play golf.
- You don't have to put on a big show.
I mean, it insults me
when you pretend to be a good husband.
- Hey. - Hey.
- So, uh, Raymond,
did you talk to a certain someone
about a certain something?
- You don't have to speak in code, Mr. Bond.
I already said yes.
- So, Deb, since the guys are leaving for golf tonight,
maybe you and I should do something.
- What? Tonight?
You said golf tomorrow!
- Okay. See...
we're gonna play "Bethpage Black,"
which is the most famous public course in the country--
perhaps the world--
and the only way to get a tee time
is to line up in your car tonight
and wait there until the morning.
And, uh...
Well... - Deb, please let him do this.
I-i-it's for me, Gianni and Andy
because, you know, we don't like Ray, either.
It's just, I mean... we need a fourth body.
And a van.
- Go ahead.
- Really?
- Yeah, go. Have a good time.
- Thank you!
- Hi. - Oh, hi, Marie.
Oh, I'm glad you boys are here.
My laundry room shelves were delivered,
so you can put them up tomorrow morning.
- Oh, yeah, you know, sorry, Ma, but Ray and I are going golfing.
But we'll do it for you on Sunday.
- No, no, no. That won't do,
because Lee and Stan
are coming for lunch tomorrow afternoon.
- But i-i-it's kinda all set, Ma.
- So the list of things more important than me
just keeps getting longer.
[both groan]
- All right, how 'bout doing the shelves now?
Do you have any time for your mother now?
- Well, see, actually,
we're supposed to leave for the golf course tonight.
- Oh. I understand.
Okay, go golfing.
Have a good time.
- Come on. Just get in there. Come on. Let's go.
- [gasps] Oh...
Oh!
You boys have done a beautiful job
putting these together.
- Thank you, Ma. Thanks.
- Do me a favor. Don't sand them in here.
- Sand them?
- Of course. You can't paint them
until you sand them.
- Paint them?!
- I can't have unfinished wood in my house.
It doesn't go with the decor.
- It's the laundry room!
This color will go very nice with that orange box of Tide.
- All right, look, Ma,
I'm gonna put it back here for now,
and we'll paint it on Sunday.
- No, I have people coming tomorrow.
Oh, you might as well-- just drag it out to the trash.
- All right, just call the guys
and tell them we'll meet them at the course.
- Really? I mean, it's unbelievable!
- Of course it is!
- I'll be honest, Marie. Looking at those shelves,
I think Lee's gonna win this one.
- What do you mean? Win what?
- Oh, Lee's all full of herself
'cause her son built a special box
for her spoon collection.
- That has nothing to do with anything.
- Gimme a break!
That's why your mother wants to drag Lee into the laundry room.
So she can show her what you two do for her.
Ow!
- That's why we're doin' this, Ma?
Because--'cause Lee's son has nothin' better to do all day
than to kiss his mom's behind?!
- Have you seen Lee's behind?
It does take all day.
- And yet we still felt bad,
like what we were doing wasn't good enough.
- Yeah. Wealwaysfeel bad.
We fall for it every time!
The guilt.
Yourguilt! - Uh-hmm.
If you feel guilty,
it's not because of me.
- Oh, yeah, right, Ma. By the way, where's the limp?
- Yeah!
- I feel very sad.
All this anger against me.
Because of your precious golf.
- No! That's just the straw that broke the camel's back!
You've been making us feel guilty about stuff
our whole lives,
and we're sick of it!
- Sick!!!
- Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!
- Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!
- You do! - She's not my mother!
- I'm sorry. Look, the guilt trip--it's over!
Come on. Let's get outta here. And we're not movin' that!
- That's right. Amen, brother!
- Fine! Go!
Leave an old, crippled woman
with unfinished shelves and an uncaring husband!
- Yesterday, that would've worked.
[music playing]
- Okay, you guys are number 16 in line.
I'll be back at 5:00 A.M. - Okay.
Boy, six and a half hours sittin' in a car...
this is great.
- Yeah, we went through hell to get here,
but look at us now!
- Bethpage Black, baby!
- Donuts and stuff!
- You guys wanna hear about this dream I had last night?
- Was it a sex dream? - No.
- Then keep it to yourself.
- Hey. Hey, I had a sex dream. - Oh, yeah?
- And you were there, and you were there...
- Okay. All right.
- Wacko! - Hey, I saw a guy
outside the gate selling sausage and peppers.
- Anybody in? - Yeah. Get me one.
- Yeah, yeah. Me too. - I'll go with you.
I wanna stretch my legs.
- What, so your feet can touch the floor?
[laughter]
- Very funny.
You're out of my dream!
[both laugh]
- Ahh...
Feelin' bad about Ma?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but we were right to leave, right?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
And I'm glad you were there with me, cubby.
- Yeah. No, we were good.
We stood up for each other, you know?
We gotta remember that for the future.
- Yeah. It's true 'cause, you know,
we usually let it divide and conquer us,
but tonight, it was you and me.
We had the power. We beather.
- Yeah. Yeah. And she's tough to beat.
- Oh! The guilt. - Yeah.
She majored in guilt.
With a minor in crazy.
- You know what? I got a buddy on the force,
and his parents just moved to California.
He sees them twice a year, tops.
- Ohh!
Oh, how great would that be?
You know, it would be, like, us...
America...
them. - Mmm.
- Hey, you know where old people like to go?
Florida.
- Oh, yeah!
- Yes, how do we get 'em to go there?
- Well, next time it snows,
we show Ma pictures of Florida
right after Dad had her shovel the driveway.
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
And for Dad, we just tell him that, uh,
Florida just became underwear-optional.
Oh...how great would that be?
Mom and Dad a whole plane ride away.
- Ah...it's fun to think about.
- Yeah.
Ah, who are we kiddin'?
They're not goin' anywhere, are they?
- No. They're gonna be with us forever.
Well, until they, you know...
- Yeah.
- Yeah, of course, Dad--
there's a good chance that he's not gonna be...
- [chuckles] Yeah.
Yeah. That's true.
He may be headed south after all.
- Ah, boy. You know, but it's weird,
just to picture Ma paddin' around the house
with no one to yell at.
- Well, you don't know that
Dad's definitely gonna go first.
- Oh, come on, did you see the way
he was wolfin' down that meatball sub tonight?
I mean, I don't exactly-- I don't exactly see him
blowin' out 100 candles.
- Yeah.
I guess at some point down the road,
we'll have to put Mom in a home or something.
- Yeah. Yeah, I--I guess that's what they do, right?
- Yeah, yeah. - But--but a nice one.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A good one.
- Yeah, not the kind they investigate on the news.
- No.
Uh-uh, it's gotta be first-class, you know?
It's gotta have flowers and...and a television.
Yeah.
- Yeah, but you know what? She still won't like it.
Even if it's a nice old age home,
she'll still find something to complain about.
- Yeah, true.
She'll probably try to escape a lot...
which I think they charge you for.
You know, now that I think about it,
you and Amy'll probably take care of her.
- Wait a minute.
Why are you trying to pawn her off on me?
- No, no. It's just that
you're gonna move into that house
eventually anyway, right?
- Why do you assume that?
- I just assumed that when-- when they go,
you'll get the house and then you'll...
you'll finally have a house.
- Oh, so now I'm just a loser
who can't buy my own house or make his way in the world,
so I'll just move back with Mommy.
- Look, I'm just trying to think of what is best for Ma.
- Oh, well, aren't you a saint?
- What?
- Of course, I can't help but think
what would be best for Ma
is for her to live out her days
in the place where she already spends most of her time.
- Uh, no! No. - Why? Why?
Come on, Raymond. It's perfect.
I mean, one day she's over at your house,
and then she just doesn't leave.
- Uh-uh. - Yeah.
I can drop off her toothbrush
and a gallon of Jean Nate, and she'd be all set.
- No! Listen. Wait a minute. - No...
she's yours, Raymond. - No, she's not!
All yours! - She can't stay in my house,
okay? There's not enough room!
- Oh, come on. You've got plenty of room
downstairs in your office there.
You just put in a nice rug,
and put up a big picture of you and her together.
Oh, she'll be very happy.
- Okay, so, since you're too stubborn
to move into that house,
like we all know is your destiny,
you're gonna force your own mother
to live in a basement, huh?
A dark, disgusting basement
with the rats and the cockroaches.
- Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Don't fight it.
Who do you think she'd rather be with?
We all know that you're the favorite.
And that, my friend...
is your destiny.
- You are out of your mind!
She loves us both equally.
- [laughing]
- Yeah. - Yeah, right! Okay!
All right. All right.
I'll tell you what. Why don't we do this--
we'll put her in the middle of the room, call her name,
and see who she comes to.
- Wait a minute, Robert.
I--I don't think
you're taking every factor into consideration.
You're forgetting a very special
little lady named Debra.
You think Ma wants to spend the rest of her life
under the same roof with her arch-nemesis?
Not likely.
But...whose wife does shelove?
Whose wife does she just think is the cat's bananas?
- Hey, look, don't bring our wives--
- Yeah, that's right! It's Amy!
Precious little Amy.
So, put Ma in the middle of that room.
As soon as she gets one look at Amy,
she's gonna come scamperin' over to you
tongue out and tail a-waggin'!
[pants]
[laughs]
- Damn it!
- [chuckling]
- How 'bout we golf for it?
- What?
- Today.
Eighteen holes. Loser gets Ma.
- What, are you kiddin'?
- What, are you chicken?
- No. No, I am not.
I was gonna destroy you, anyway, so, fine.
This'll be the icing on my delicious victory pie.
- Yeah? We'll see who'll be eating the delicious pie.
- Oh, you are goin' down!
- Oh, yeah? You're goin' down-- to your basement,
so you can pretty it all up forBig Mama.
- Nah. I don't think so.
I don't think so.
No, I beat you pretty good the last time, pal.
- And I beat you the last three times before that.
- Yeah, well, just so you know, I've been practicing my putting
while Debra thinks I'm reading to the kids, okay?
So--so, just get ready, man.
[imitating Marie] Oh, Robbie, it's too cold in the house.
Robbie, it's too hot in the house.
Robbie, I hope you're making a baby in there.
[laughs]
Yeah! Yeah! That's right. That is correct.
She's gonna be with you till the day she dies!
- Okay, how 'bout this-- - Forget about it.
Forget about it.
- What? - Just--
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
- What do you mean?
- Nothing. It's just...
you know, one day she's really gonna...
you know.
- Well, yeah.
I mean...
Yeah.
- I'll take her.
- What?
- I'll take her. I wanna take mom.
- W-what do you mean you're gonna take her? I--
- What? You don't have to worry about it.
- What are you saying? I mean,
you just changed your mind just like that?
- What? You just said you don't want her.
- Well, maybe I changedmymind.
Maybe--maybe-- maybeIwant her back now.
- It's too late. I called it!
- No, no, you can't call it, Raymond.
I--I--I want her. I really do.
All those things I said before were just to annoy you.
Besides, I'm gonna move back in that house.
- That doesn't even matter!
- She's better off with me! - No!
- I'm tall and strong, and I can carry her
up to her bed on my back!
- So? I would be a better provider for her
than you would! - Why?
Because you make more money than me, huh?
You're gonna throw that in my face?
- No, I'm just saying
that when it comes to money,
I have more.
- Okay.
Okay, you know what?
We're gonna golf for it, but the other way.
Winner gets Ma. - All right, fine!
Fine. Bring it on! - Oh, I'm gonna bring it!
- All right. Well, keep your receipt,
'cause you're gonna return it!
- You keep the receipt!
- Yeah, I will!
We don't even have to do this,
because it's like you said before,
Ma loves me more!
- Well, you know what?
She can love you all she wants,
because I love her...
more than you do.
- What? - You heard me.
I love Mom more.
- Are you insane?
- Deep down inside, Raymond,
you know it's true.
- Are you saying that I don't love my mother?
- Not as much as me.
You take her for granted.
But me?
I cherish every ounce of affection that woman gives me
because I have to fight for it like a dirty dog in the street.
But you?
You don't even have to try.
She makes it so easy for you.
You're just a fat kid sittin' with his mouth open
at the end of a chocolate assembly line.
You disgust me.
- I'm gettin' Ma.
- You're not gettin' Ma.
- Don't push me!
- Ow!
- Get--get off me!
- Where are you goin', huh?! - Aah!
Get off me! - Come here!
You leave me alone!
- Come here, you! - You started it!
You started it!
[indistinct shouting]
- Get outta here! - Come here!
- Whoa!
- Come here. Come here.
- Stop! - Eat it!
Eat it fat kid! - No! No!
Don't! Truce! Truce!
Truce!
- All right, truce! - Truce!
- Truce!
Truce. Truce. - Truce.
- No truce! No truce!
No truce! - [screaming]
Oh!
Ohh...ohh...
- Enough now! - Enough!
- Okay. - Truce!
- Truce. Yeah. - Truce!
- For real. For real, truce!
Enough. Enough.
Truce.
[panting]
- Why do you always gotta do the nipple?!
- My nostril is jellied shut.
Truce.
- Truce.
Truce.
- Truce.
[panting]
[door slides open]
- Man, these sausages smell good!
- You guys owe me three bucks each.
- Okay, here's your...
- This was exactly like my dream!
[music playing]
- Oh, hey! There they are!
- Hey. - What happened?
- Uh, he--he hit a couple of really bad shots.
- It's 8:00. How long was golf?
- Well, we did somethin' after golf. Yeah.
Come on, Robert.
- Here we go. Pick it up.
- Oh! - Here you go, Ma.
- Oh, my goodness!
- Yeah. Listen, Ma, we're sorry.
Okay. We shouldn't have yelled at you.
- Yeah, we felt bad all day.
- Oh, you shouldn't have.
You're the best sons any mother could hope for.
- Why do I suddenly want jelly donuts?
- Oh, these shelves are so beautiful.
And flowers!
- Ah, glad you like 'em, Mom.
Sorry they weren't ready in time for Lee and Stan.
- Oh, that doesn't matter.
Come on, you're gonna carry these shelves
over to Lee's house right now.
- Okay. - All right, Ma.
- Pick it up. Pick it up. - I got it.
- Oh, by the way, Deb, I beat Robert at golf today,
so when Dad dies, Mom's gonna live with us.
[music playing]