SIR JOHN BRANNOX: Everyone in the world
should know who the pope is.
It's not vanity. It's necessity.
♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
My new personal secretary, Cardinal Spalletta.
What must I do?
CARDINAL SPALLETTA: Tomas Altbruck,
Sofia Dubois' husband,
appoint him head of our financial organization.
You were right as always, Danny.
She is splendid.
MAN: Esther, you need a steady job.
I might have a way of resolving things.
No, that would be prostitution. It's a sin.
You've got terrorists, an overdose of sexual scandals,
and you've got a pope who's idolized.
BRANNOX: I pretended not to see, not to know,
but I do see.
I know.
[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
- Your Holiness.
- Ms. Stone, please, I would be eternally grateful
if, during the course of our conversation,
you avoided the uncrossing
and recrossing of your legs.
- Sure.
- What gift have you brought me?
- I brought myself.
Isn't that enough?
- It would have been had you only promised
to stay here for the rest of your life,
but I fear you will depart and I will be left
with no tangible memory of you.
- [chuckles] Well, um...
Um...
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- I shall have those placed
in a most special reliquary.
You have beautiful feet.
However, they are rather large.
- [laughs]
My only defect.
Do you have any defects, Holy Father?
- I am the defect.
I am defectus.
Defectus in Latin means missing.
I've missed myself.
- Do you know the cure for that?
Family.
I find that children fill that void.
- I'm sure you realize, for me, that's not...
particularly practical advice.
- Well, you could drop that soutane.
- Hmm.
- By the way, I am very honored to meet you, Your Holiness,
and I haven't just come here out of some human curiosity.
I do have a plea.
- I am delighted to hear.
- Gay marriage for Catholics...
When will this pointless taboo be eliminated?
- When the Church has a brave, revolutionary,
resolute pope--qualities none of which I possess.
- What a shame.
- Mm.
Even though homosexuality is not a sin,
sexual acts outside of marriage are.
According to the Bible, sex is intended solely
for procreation, therefore between a man and a woman.
- But can't the Bible be upgraded?
- Alas, the Bible is not an iPhone.
- Again, what a shame.
- Not at all.
Anything that can be upgraded,
like an iPhone, eventually ends up in the bin,
only to be replaced by a more expensive model.
The Bible has endured for a very long time,
and its value has changed little, if at all.
- Because it can't be upgraded? - Exactly.
I suppose it's not even a matter of upgrading.
It's more a matter of somehow bridging the enormous gap
between the sacred and the sinful.
Quite a long ladder is needed-- the ladder of time.
By broaching this subject,
you and I have already lessened that gap--
a small step, granted, but a step nevertheless.
- And this is supposed to make me feel better?
- Yes, of course.
I read that you have an IQ of 154--
a genius, practically.
There's nothing ordinary about you.
And geniuses know that life
evolves in spite of us,
in spite of lawyers and artisans,
politicians and bricklayers,
university professors...
Geniuses, and popes.
- Could I have a glass of water?
- Of course you may.
You may have a gin and tonic if you like.
- [chuckles]
It's a little early for a gin and tonic.
- It's never too early for a gin and tonic.
Cheers.
Allow me, if I may, to take advantage
of your intellect for some moments longer.
Apart from allowing
people of the same sex to marry,
what would you suggest the Catholic Church could do
in order to make itself more eloquent?
- Well...
In the end...
What will remain of you
besides a load
of magnificent art
commissioned by you in the Renaissance period
from all of the greatest artists?
There are great artists now.
But you ignore them.
- So life passes. Art remains.
- Well, art passes, too, but a little more slowly
because art is more cunning.
- Hmm.
- Holy Father,
my adductor longus is falling asleep.
May I cross my legs the other way?
- One moment, if you would.
Now you may.
- Uh, done.
- There, you see? We did it.
Once again, hail-fellows, we made the sacrifice.
Do not despair.
Someday we will all
come to appreciate the beauty of sacrifice--
though not today.
[Sofi Tukker's "Good Time Girl"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ When I said it out loud, it wasn't as strong ♪
♪ As it was in my head ♪
♪ I tried not to think about it ♪
♪ So it came back louder ♪
♪ I think it's been about a year ♪
♪ Since I became a snob, decided not to play along ♪
♪ So it grew bigger ♪
♪ Me and my head have become very, very, very close ♪
♪ We decided not to tell you ♪
♪ To tell you about it ♪
♪ We're just gonna play it safe ♪
♪ Do what we know ♪
♪ Play it cool, lay low ♪
♪ Not tell you about it ♪
♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪
♪ Me and my superiority complex ♪
♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪
♪ Me and my inferiority contest ♪
♪ I'm not winning ♪
♪ But I'm having a very good time ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You can call me ♪
♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪
- ♪ When I said it out loud, it didn't sound as good ♪
♪ I couldn't be as proud of my original thought ♪
♪ I'm not trying to whisper what should be barked ♪
♪ But I can't imagine being out of control ♪
♪ Or knocked off the top, my head and I ♪
♪ When I'm all alone, but we're in my prime ♪
♪ Don't want the throne when I'm doing just fine ♪
♪ Just so long as I'm having a real good time ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ You can call me ♪
♪ You can call me ♪
♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪
♪ ♪
[soft dramatic music]
- [speaking foreign language]
♪ ♪
[both speaking Italian]
- [speaking Italian]
- So...what is the pope gonna do?
- I don't know.
- And you? How are you, Voiello?
- Nervous.
- Mm, that's not new, is it?
- This caliph is keeping me up at night.
- Whatever you decide,
my one word of advice is prudence.
[mystical music]
- Translate, please.
- The only principle unscrupulous men like ourselves
must always adhere to is, if you don't have proof,
you don't have proof.
- I need some air.
- Seriously, Voiello, now...
when you can finally breathe easy?
Up until yesterday,
thanks to your excessive sexual exploits,
you were the quintessential culprits,
but now, after that despicable attack
in Lourdes, you've become victims.
The wind is shifting, my friend.
You better fan it.
- I hadn't thought of that.
- Oh, that's why I'm here.
I think of everything.
Speaking of which, a mean old bird
keeps squawking about
a Spalletta-Tomas Altbruck alliance?
- It is not a mean old bird.
It is a splendid sparrow.
- I suspected that was you.
- I need to know what's behind it.
- How about that typical human weakness
also known as greed?
- They are going to crash and burn.
- So let them.
Let them, because afterwards, you'll be back again,
stronger than ever.
- I can't let the pope crash and burn.
The pope can't be compromised.
- You asking for my help?
- Not yet.
- How's the movie?
- [speaking Italian]
[laughs]
- What are you going to do? - One word comes to mind.
- To mine too--
one to be avoided at all costs.
Islamic.
- That's not the word I was thinking of.
- If you found the right word in Lourdes,
it would be a giant leap forward
for your papacy,
a leap that would make
your authoritativeness unstoppable.
- I have great faith in you.
That is the private number to my apartment.
Only Danny has it-- Danny and now you.
Phone if you like.
Whenever you want.
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[door clatters open]
[footsteps approaching]
- Did you appoint my husband
head of the financial organization
because you have faith in me?
- No.
- So why him, of all people?
- Nietzsche said that the Christian's decision
to see the world as ugly and evil
has made the world ugly and evil.
We shall go to Lourdes.
I will speak,
and old Nietzsche will have to change his mind.
♪ ♪
- [sniffing]
♪ ♪
- Mascara?
- No.
♪ ♪
No.
[camera shutters snapping]
[forcefully] No.
No!
[yelling] No!
[echoing] No!
[camera shutters snapping]
No!
crowd: No!
all: No!
No!
crowd: No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[Aldous Harding's "Blend"]
- ♪ Hey, man ♪
♪ I really need you back again ♪
♪ The years are plenty ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ I have a watercolor you did ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I saw you walking on the sand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ In Thailand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I used to watch you from the van ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It was your band ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Don't let us bully you, baby ♪
♪ Got problems of the heart ♪
crowd: No! [cheering]
- ♪ And you're the perfect blend ♪
- Adam!
♪ ♪
Adam!
♪ ♪
Adam!
Come on, let's go for a ride!
- I can't. I'm writing.
- You'll be sorry!
- ♪ Can't seem to let you off the chain ♪
♪ That is our name ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A few of your letters came from Limoges ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She's gonna struggle day to day ♪
♪ But she deserves a place ♪
♪ You and walking in the sand ♪
[typewriter clacking]
♪ And you're the perfect man ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You're the perfect man ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You're the perfect blend ♪
♪ ♪
[foreboding music]
♪ ♪
- Holy Father, the press is positively enthusiastic
about your "no."
Even the usual faultfinders,
days later, continue to praise your greatness.
Take a look at this.
- What do you think, Voiello?
- A spiritual and human synthesis
that has touched people's hearts.
The media value is irrefutable.
- So in other words, no actual value.
Is that what you mean to say?
- To be brutally honest--
- You are always brutal, Voiello.
- To be brutally honest, Holy Father,
after that "no," it is quite reasonable to expect
that thought would translate into action.
- So what is it you would have me do?
Rally a papal army and march it off
to battle Islamic terrorism?
- He is even more brutal than you.
- Of course not.
There are intermediary measures.
- Measures that would weaken the success of that "no."
- I agree.
That "no" is a moral declaration
of the greatest significance.
The pope produces symbols.
The vulgar act of explanation must fall to others.
- So, Voiello, you seem to be in the minority,
but that does not mean you're wrong.
- I have been in the minority all my life, Your Holiness.
In fact, I belong to such a small minority
that I am the only member.
- I will articulate my thinking during the interview
with Emory Kitsworth.
Lourdes was not the place for that.
What was needed there
was a spectacular emotional expression.
However, if it makes you happier
to refer to it as a slogan, go ahead.
- Exactly.
When would you like to do the interview, Holy Father?
Kitsworth is quivering in anticipation.
- I'm not ready yet, but I will let you know soon.
Of course, I must be fully prepared
so as not to disappoint Voiello.
- [sighs]
[both speaking Italian]
- [vocalizes happily]
[Leif Vollebekk's "Tallahassee"]
[laughs]
[tender piano music]
[laughs]
- [chuckles]
♪ ♪
- [vocalizes]
[footsteps tapping]
- Where are you going?
♪ ♪
- To an informal meeting.
- Sounds sordid.
- It is.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I remember London ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I remember the bells ♪
♪ ♪
♪ From across the chambermaid's corridors ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It was like they was ringing by themselves ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I see no river of whiskey ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Is there sugar in your bowl ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ain't seen you for days now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Still find your hair on my clothes ♪
♪ ♪
[phone rings]
♪ Across standing water ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Across the tracks to Saint-Henri ♪
[phone continues ringing]
- I can't.
♪ ♪
- Why not? - Because I can't anymore.
- ♪ Ain't that the way to treat somebody ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Or for you to treat yourself ♪
♪ ♪
♪ There's no more cane along the Brazos ♪
♪ ♪
♪ No more books upon the shelf ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If I don't see you ♪
♪ In Tallahassee ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubadour ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If I don't see you ♪
♪ In Tallahassee ♪
- [whispering] I have news.
[phone continues ringing]
- ♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubadour ♪
- I think I'm pregnant.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Four and twenty years now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Add one more for good luck ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Won't you wear that bamboo dress, baby ♪
♪ ♪
♪ When you come to pick me up ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If I don't see you ♪
♪ In Tallahassee ♪
[phone continues ringing]
♪ ♪
♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubador ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If I don't see you ♪
♪ In Tallahassee ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubador ♪
[ventilator hissing]
♪ ♪
- [sighs heavily]
♪ ♪
[phone continues ringing]
♪ ♪
- Here I am.
- I was about to hang up.
I didn't think you were going to answer.
- Hmm.
I wanted you to believe your call wasn't important to me.
- And instead have you been waiting for me to call?
- My whole life.
What are you doing this evening?
Don't misunderstand me.
- [chuckles softly]
A highly unusual choice for a first date, Holy Father.
- The catacombs are the closest thing
to a nightclub a priest has.
- So are we looking for the bar now?
[chuckles]
- Not exactly.
The tomb of Francis II.
I thought it appropriate I pay him a visit as well.
[eerie music]
Shall we pray? - Yes.
♪ ♪
- Do you also find Francis II's death
mysterious and inexplicable?
- No, I believe the official line:
cardiac arrest.
- You know, you may be the only one who does.
- I know.
I also know that the usual rumors
are circulating about Voiello.
- Yet you pay them no heed.
- No, I don't.
For years now, Voiello has been the scapegoat
for everything here in the Vatican.
- And you admire Voiello.
- We work well together.
We're both good chess players,
even though we've never seen a chessboard in our lives.
- Are there conspiracies about me?
- Not as far as I know--
only persistent questions,
which are the premise for a great deal of gossip.
- Do tell.
- People are asking,
"Is this pope porcelain or steel?"
- Why not something in between? Fiberglass.
- [chuckles]
And then there is that eternal refrain.
- Which is?
- "Is he gay or straight?"
- Now I'll tell you a bit of gossip.
- Wow, please do.
- In the conclave,
Lenny Belardo received one vote.
- I know that.
It's all anyone has been talking about for days.
- But what you do not know is who cast that vote.
- No. No one ever figured it out.
- That was my vote.
- Why?
- Because God does not like me.
Do you know why I became a priest?
- No.
- Because religion is a narrative,
a story that is told--
an incredibly successful story,
seeing that God is the most popular protagonist in history.
I would never have been satisfied devoting my life
to minor narratives as are found
in literature, film, music.
Those at best can only be enjoyable pastimes.
- And what is it that interests you most
in the religious narrative?
- The incessant inquiry
into the greatest mystery of all:
the nature of man.
- Hence the clergy's incessant question:
gay or straight?
- I shall only say that I was a punk when I was young.
That seems, to me, far more interesting.
We have to set a date for that interview.
I know now what I want to say to Kitsworth.
- If I'm not being indiscreet, could I at least ask you
what subject you would discuss with Kitsworth?
- That man cannot be changed,
but he can be diverted.
- I'm not really all that sure, Your Holiness,
what the subject would be.
- Pedophilia among the clergy
and all the sexual abuse--
that is the issue that matters most to me,
for if we forgive them, they will do it again,
and if we punish them,
we are not practicing Christian charity.
- But is there another way?
- There is always another way,
and I believe I was called to the papacy to chart it.
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Sick loves cannot be treated, Sofia.
You can treat cancer but not love.
One possibility, then, is to shift the object of love.
- How do you do that?
Tell me.
♪ ♪
- During the interview,
I am going to make an extraordinary overture.
I intend to state
that I am in favor of marriage for priests
both gay and straight.
We have to legitimize possible love
so as to divert people from aberrant love,
which is a form of violence.
I am not so naive
as to think that this is the solution,
but as a way of limiting the damage,
it could well work.
- Holy Father, you're proposing
to upgrade the Bible as if it were an iPhone.
- You're an intelligent and tireless worker, Sofia.
Could you not come up
with a more suitable metaphor, please?
- I will.
An announcement of this sort is a giant leap.
♪ ♪
- A small step and hopefully
less tears in the great ocean of human history.
- This will be a bomb, a genuine bomb.
- No...this is the middle way.
♪ ♪
[soft ominous music]
♪ ♪
- It's 1,100 euro.
100 for Don Mario and 1,000 for Attanasio.
♪ ♪
- [speaking Italian]
♪ ♪
- [breathing deeply]
[monitor beeps]
[bells tolling]
- [speaking Italian]
- [sighs heavily]
[breathing deeply]
- And now a word to our listeners.
We at Radio 103 have decided to alter our programming.
As of today, no more music, no more entertainment.
We will be broadcasting one thing only:
Pope Pius XIII's breathing,
live from the intensive care unit
of San Giovanni e Paolo Hospital in Venice.
- [breathing deeply]
[sighs heavily]
[amplified thunk]
[feedback squealing]
[static hissing softly]
[feedback squealing]
[speakers crackling]
[feedback squealing]
[speakers crackling]
[breathing deeply]
[soft indistinct chatter]
[shrill thunk]
[feedback squealing]
[breathing deeply]
[soft pulsating tones]
♪ ♪
[breathing deeply]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[breathing deeply]
[sighs heavily]
[breathing deeply]
- And this is the fact
that no doctor is able to explain:
after 415 breaths, the pope let out a sigh,
then 414 breaths followed by another sigh,
so now we're expecting 413 breaths and then a sigh.
What does it all mean?
- [breathing deeply]
[breathing deeply]
[stirring orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[breathing deeply]
♪ ♪
[sighs heavily]
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- He has come back!
Pius XIII is back!
♪ ♪
- [breathing deeply]
♪ ♪
[breathing deeply]
- Turn off that radio, please.
- All this fanfare over Lenny Belardo's breathing
has made quite an impression on the masses.
The increase in the idolatry
of Pius XIII will be immediate.
Your Holiness, that interview with Kitsworth
is indispensable to refocus attention on you.
- Not yet.
How many breaths now before he gives a sigh?
[stirring orchestral music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Where the dark and day meet in the image of stars ♪
♪ Is where we're gonna find out who we are ♪
- ♪ Night is an illusion ♪
♪ At this time of day ♪
♪ The smudges of figures ♪
♪ The mistakes we've made ♪
♪ Captures the moment ♪
♪ Just caught in time ♪
♪ Where dark and day meet in the image of the stars ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It's the slip of time in the perfect light ♪
♪ When the sun cascades into the night ♪
♪ It's a moment of distraction ♪
♪ When we become alive ♪
- ♪ We're running ♪
♪ Night running ♪
♪ Straighter than an arrow ♪
♪ Taken by chance from a bow ♪
♪ We're running ♪
♪ Night running ♪
♪ Faster than our shadows ♪
♪ Going where we wanna go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Where the dark and day meet in the image of stars ♪
♪ Is where we're gonna find out who we are ♪
[bright tone]
MAN: 129 breaths.
That is high.
POPE JOHN PAUL III: So, they are still broadcasting?
MAN: Yes.
You have a gift which you are finally
-beginning to recognize-- -I'm a whore.
WOMAN: You are a saint.
JOHN PAUL III: In this little state of ours,
it seems impossible for even the pope to avoid gossip.
We need to rethink things. Schedule the interview.
I'm ready.
♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪