if you were standing there in the
pediatric section of the hospital you
wouldn't just notice the narrow
fluorescent hallway brightly decorated
with cheerful looking animals
you would be frightened
by the continuous agonizing screams
coming from me while i was being wheeled
into the labor room
it was october 17 2014 and i was at the
hospital for just another routine
checkup the father wasn't there because
well
he had killed himself a few months
earlier so i was completely alone in
that room i was in the same room as last
time and i was speaking to the same
nurses last time while we were having a
pleasant conversation i couldn't stop
focusing on my left index finger in the
past eight months of this pregnancy i
had chewed up the entire nail and all
that was left was a tiny dangling little
piece that i had managed to pick out in
the waiting room it was driving me crazy
the nurse was rubbing the lube on my
belly and here i am still picking at
this damn nail i really hope my daughter
doesn't get my disgusting nervous habits
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i noticed that the room had gone quiet
and i looked up at the nurse her face
had completely changed she was trying
not to give anything away i looked at
the ultrasound and i looked again at her
even though she was trying not to alarm
me i can see that she's frantically
searching for something around my
stomach but the only sound we could hear
were the noises coming from the hallway
she turns pale and flashes a desperate
look at me and then quickly excuses
herself to get a doctor
she was gone a long time it could have
been minutes i don't know but it felt
like hours days even i already started
to cry in that time i was shaking i was
nervous
i was petrified i clung to the hope that
maybe something was wrong with their
equipment maybe it was a technical error
maybe someone forgot to plug something
in maybe only my heartbeat was hurt
because
then the doctor came in
after he told me my baby was gone i
could see his lips move but all i could
hear was ringing
then as if someone had slapped me with
the physical embodiment of the
realization it suddenly hit me that she
was dead
my daughter died inside me
and that was when i started screaming
they had to start inducing labor and in
an attempt to stop the screaming they
put adivan into my iv while they wheeled
me to the delivery room all i could see
were blurs of people and lights going by
me but i saw nothing what i could hear
were the nurses trying to calm me down
but i heard nothing what i could feel
was that they were doing something to me
but i felt nothing
the only thing that i could hear feel
and see was the deafening silence where
my baby girl's heartbeat should have
been i was in labor for 27 brutal hours
27 hours to deliver a stillborn when she
was finally out even though i couldn't
imagine any pain greater than everything
i had felt in that very moment seeing a
glimpse of her and then her being taken
away from me nearly killed me
but they brought her back they let me
hold her my daughter i was quite woozy
from the drugs but i still felt the
wrenching pain as i held what felt like
a heavy warm baby doll
as i looked at her trembling she didn't
cry or open her eyes she just laid in my
arms completely still
i got out of bed holding her tightly in
my arms and walked over to the table
they prepared for me and put a diaper
and a pretty little pink dress on her
after that i had to let her go i didn't
see her again until the mortuary handed
me a tiny butterfly urn a few days later
the hospital stay after that was nothing
short of torturous giving birth to a
dead baby was the worst experience in
the world i had to heal from delivering
a baby but i had no baby and i wasn't
the only one grieving the nurses would
take turns relieving each other so the
other could go cry in the hallway one
nurse even signed a pact with me that i
wouldn't try to hurt myself later as i
wrestled with the grief
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at home
my dad cleaned out the nursery and tore
down the crib all the baby stuff i
bought still sits in a storage unit
collecting dust i hope that one day i
have a little girl because i bought so
much girly stuff when i got home i just
laid on the couch crying staring off
into space
crying some more feeling too much but
also feeling empty in my subsequent
grief i turned to drinking an abusive
relationships to try to bury my pain
just anything to feel numb
after a while i started torturing myself
thinking about what killed my baby girl
i constantly searched for what i did
wrong
first i blamed myself and agonized over
the details of the final days when she
was still kicking in my belly maybe she
was trying to tell me something i really
regretted that i didn't know i would
lose her maybe had i known i would have
read to her a little more and really
enjoyed the short eight months that we
had together then i blamed her father
for taking his life and putting me
through horrific stress and leaving me
to face all this alone
but in my lowest moments i wish that i
just had an abortion or never conceived
at all but i would immediately kick
myself for all these horrible thoughts
because i realized later that even
though she didn't live long at least we
had shared a short moment of her life
together i hope that the short time she
had with me was okay
pregnancy announcements from my friends
really pierced my heart it still does
i have even had to unfollow some because
i got so jealous of their ultrasound
pictures
baby showers are still horrible to get
through i just grip my teeth and try to
stay busy planning the party for my
friends so that i don't focus on my own
grief but i do have to go cry in the
bathroom sometimes i hate it when people
ask do you have kids in that moment i
have to decide between two truths for
the answer to that is both yes and no
i try to avoid the subject as much as
possible
shortly after my loss i found great
emotional support in groups but over
time i found that they kept me mired in
my grief so i left them i found that my
biggest sense of relief was when i would
speak to other moms who had been through
this as well if you have been through
this as well or are going through this
the main thing to realize is that you
will never be the same but you are not
at fault you are not some horrible
murderer or a bad mother you are not a
victim of god's wrath or bad luck
baby loss is just an unfortunate tragic
reality of life
the march of dimes organization
estimates that 10 to 25 of pregnancies
end in miscarriage and 5 percent result
in stillbirth often the cause is not
known or not any fault of the mother
i am now finally at a place where i feel
comfortable talking about this i enjoy
my life and focus on day-to-day
activities keeping myself busy i play
with my friends and sisters kids to fill
the hole in my life that my daughter
would have felt i found keeping a
gratitude journal really helped it
showed me all the good things in my life
and gave me the strength to take it day
by day i have a boyfriend now and after
two years together we've decided to
embark on the journey of trying to
conceive another baby our first together
my boyfriend has really been my rock
through this trying experience though
he's sometimes shocked by the wrecking
sadness that takes me over the decision
to try again was painful in itself i
felt guilty like i'm trying to replace
her i'm also terrified that this may
happen again since i still don't know
what caused her death i don't know if i
could even conceive again it has already
been over seven months of trying but i
do read so many testimonials of other
women who have been through this and
also endure great stress and grief while
trying for their rainbow babies i take
solace in the fact that i am not alone
that we have each other
but i don't think i will ever feel
relieved until i hold a healthy baby in
my arms
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