老天，我们就不能多放会广告？这电台是关于我的呀！什么？ God can we play more commercials on the station this station,this station is about me!what??
卧槽！我是Amy,节目继续，我的天哪，我现在好兴奋啊！今天的嘉宾是Jez Torrent oh hi I'm Amy so right!we're backI'm here with like, oh my god this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jez Torrent,
一个来自苏格兰的摇滚之神，Jez,我很抱歉，你能不能..天哪我是LF的超级粉丝！ A rock god all the way from Scotland,England.So Jez,I'm sorry as you can tell oh,I'm a really huge fan of love fist!
-嗨嗨，别抱歉，你是个有品位的女人，我喜欢 -谢谢！ -Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dontya say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance and I like that -Thanks
谢谢谢！好嘞！额，Jez，那东西，是谁啊？ Yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jez,who is that thing with you?
不要在意Mandy，她有点神志不清，她现在24小时负责着我，可怜的姑娘 她对我可迷恋了，向大家问好 Dontya mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man,look she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying,poor lassie she's had a torrent of Jez more than one...
你好Paul！我们在哪里？ Hi Paul,angle, where are we?
她还没有适应摇滚的生活方式，喂！出去到大厅等到我采访完 The rock lifestyle hasnt been to good to her, man just go away and sit in the lobby until I'm finished.
我去看看冰箱 Check the fridge
她还好吗？且不说她长的那么丑，她现在看起来像行尸走肉 Is she ok?I mean apart from being an ugly cheap cow, she looks half dead.
喂喂喂！別嘲讽我的生活方式！我是个艺术家你懂？ I say hey hey hey seriously man dont cramp my style, I'm an artist,ya know?
好好，Jezzy，我这一周一直在用录放机听你的专辑，你真的太有名啦！我是说...你好吗！ ok Jezzy,so Jez,I was listening to your album on my boombox all weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really,totally famous, no way, I mean,like, so anyway,how are you?
好着呢，好着呢,你不可能因为过度迷恋而死的，我之前试过，美国之旅真的很特别， 你们美国人真会摇滚！不像我们英国那里 Cool Man, I'm cool,things are good,you cant O.D.on love,and I have tried.the tour is really something special,you Americans,you really know how to rock and roll man,not like back home.
这我就不懂了，是因为新专辑在英国表现不佳吗 I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the UK?
都是那个撒切尔那个法西斯！我为工人阶级而歌唱，想要大家坚持度过艰难时刻 It's that fascist Thatcher, I sing about working class people,trying to make it through a tough life, I sing about the things they want,trashing hotel rooms.
我唱的都是大家想要的！破坏宾馆房间，画眼影，在报废的跑车旁的水沟里醒来。 当你生活在贫困线边缘，这种感情就能征服一切，你懂吗Sheila？ wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a totalled sports car, when you make minimum wage,love conquers all,know what I mean Sheila?
我的名字叫Amy，呵呵 The name is Amy, hehhh
好吧，无所谓 Aye right whatever.
就如我所述的，我是个艺术家，我歌唱不为财，要不然我怎么会穿这么破的衣服？ like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I ain't in this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes?
那些评判者根本就不懂，他们所处的立场也不会懂，他们有没有真正听过我的歌词是怎么写的？ it's because the critics don't know,you know, they stand there and they do not know,have they ever really listened to the lyrics to Burry Me Deep inside?
如果我的音乐不是他们想要的，喜欢的，那么我想要表达的他们就不可能理解，对不对？ eh,if the music isn't what they want to hear,if the songs,ain't the right songs, you know,if things aren't in their space,or whatever,right?
你知道那是我的选择，我是Lovefist，我没有错，他们不是 如果他们不懂我的歌，如果他们没有蹭我的热度 Man,you know that's my choice you know, because I am love fist and the thing is right they're not,and if they don't get it,and if they're not riding my wave that day man,
额，你懂的，我不会为狗狗难过因为他们的狗在长牙！就那些白痴而言！我是个纯爷们 Well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies,just because their dog is teething you know,as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man,
但是我告诉你亲爱的，我体会过另一边人民的生活，真的让我心醉神迷！ 那些黑粉根本就没有设身处地的体会过 But I tell you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby,and man,oh,man it's beautiful, but these idiots man,they've not been there
好吧，你的上个专辑销量不是最好的吧？我觉得甚至都没有上英国榜单排行榜 Ok,right, this last album wasn't your best selling, was it.I don't even think it charted in the UK!
什么榜单？一张废纸而已，把那破玩意儿带到我演唱会来我直接给它烧了 What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll set it on FIRE.
我可不是里根总统，那所谓榜单不过是人性隔阂，交流失败的比喻罢了， 要我说，现在就是摇滚时代！对吗Mandy？ I ain't no Ronald Regan of rock babe,album charts are the metaphor for human isolation, and the break down of interaction. I say its time to rock.right Mand?
对对对，Jimmy Right Jimmy!
-那就对了，我这么说全因为..亲爱的，我是Lovefist！全世界最拽的乐队！-我出门好像忘关煤气灶了 -That's right, because I say it, because sweet heart, I am love fist, the biggest band in the world.-I left the stove on.
是的！你和Dick，Percy，还有Willie，你们就是Lovefist，来自苏格兰的天启四骑士 Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all love fist, the four Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse,
暴力直到天明！经历挫折，吸毒过度，这四个男孩带着美妙的歌曲来到你们面前，多么美好的回忆！ 你说你致力于将音乐带给生活在黑暗中的孩子们，他们具体指谁？ Fist till morning,take it on the chin,Zonked Efficiency,four boys against your face great tracks,what memories, and here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night,who are they?
不不不，亲爱的，我跟你直说吧 No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight.
喂喂喂？在录音吗？测试测试！好，听好了！ here,hello,are we recording here, this is for the record right,testing, testing, testing, now listen.
LoveFist就是我，亲爱的，我照片印专辑上，你在演唱会看到我们四个，摇滚着，舞动着。 当你看到大家眼里噙着泪水的时候，便会知晓我是LoveFist，他不过是吹笛子演调子的罢了 Love Fist is Jez Torrent, I sing the songs sweet heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert you see four men, rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes.you will see, I am love fist,he who pays the piper.plays the tune.
哇喔，我不知道你们乐队还有吹笛子的 Ohhhh,I didn't know you had a piper in the band.
美女，我只是在比喻，我是个诗人，我将我想表达的意思简化启化， 我们是生存在死亡之谷的团体 Love, I was talking metaphorically,I'm a poyet,condensed meaning,enlightenment,we're a family living in death valley.
但我在这精神之旅中独自漫步，我们乐队其他人要是敢阻挠我的话， 合同说我可以直接走人，他们一直在拖我后腿。 But I walk alone, I am on a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Willie or Dick, or anybody stands in my way, the contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back.
压制我，他们让我感到难堪，但是，这就是作为一个乐队一份子的感受。 And held down,and embarrassed by those guys,but you know,its part of being in a band man,like wearing make up,
是的，但是Percy不是被《 Kerrap Rock》月刊选为年度吉他手了吗？ Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly?
听着，我也有点喜欢那家伙失真的吉他演奏，但是他被高估了，没有崇尚暴力这一特点 Look,I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated love,right,without the torrents of abuse,
LoveFist早就解散了，新合同表明也快了，作为一个艺术家挣钱真的很重要，对吗Mandy？ 我得让你保持非主流！懂吧 Love fist would be over, and the new contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a lot of money right Mandy.we need to keep you and you're fringe and you're diamonds and that, eh?
是的哦，继续摇滚，收到，真有意思 yeah, rock on, keep, roger, what a trip.
啊，闭嘴傻逼 Ah,shut up you silly tart.
额，来接受一个来电者的电话，额，你好你现在在和Lovefist对话 Uh,let's take a caller.hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with love fist. Hi
你好，我是Wayne！兄弟们！我现在在和Lovefist对话呢！Jez!我是你的超级粉丝！你的每个演唱会我都去！ 我太疯狂了！我每天都穿你们的周边T恤！在我妈面前都是一样！ Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist,Hey what's up Jez, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I wear my love fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady,
我在你的视频中似乎感受到一些隐喻的信息，是不是真的？ Hey I heard there's subliminal messages in you're videos,is that true?
听着，讲真！洗剪吹，豪车，那些女孩，在俱乐部狂欢，酒店套房，又一台电视被打碎对吗？ Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying,the clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right,
在我在克利夫兰的不幸意外遭遇之后，我告诉媒体，我讨厌礼拜一，如果你问我是不是用了蝙蝠面具， 周一总是充满生气，音乐是可逆的，时间不是，你是不是想让我说 After my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, Idon't like Mondays.This livens up the day,if you're asking me if we was using bat mask,the music is reversible,but time is not, do you want me to say,
恭喜，你发现了一个秘密，梦想生来就被打碎的， 就像其他破碎的梦想一样，我就是想把梦想的碎片拼合到一起 Congradulations you have just discovered the secret message,dreams are made to be broken, like so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together,god.
我太有才了，美女，我感觉我刚才写了首歌出来，我会写一首歌关于你的，对我这些其实都无所谓啦 I am so creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe I'll write a song about you. eh. but anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnt matter, not for me
我是一个旅行中的灵性追求者，没有什么能阻挡我 I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right, and nothing will stand in my way,you know.
我是不是在你的一首歌叫《Satan's Pillows》，你歌唱了破碎的心 Boy,do I.on the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken heart...
关于为什么破碎的心无法修复，因为无论怎么样它还是会破碎， 我的意思是表达更有力的事物，感情，我记得歌是这么说的 About how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know,really powerful stuff, emotional,I think that song says:
所有的事物都需要用爱来诠释，当你属于这夜晚，你最好好好利用这一点 Everything that needs to be said about love man, when you belong to the night,its best to take advantage of it.
让你抵达巅峰的事物，也将会让你重回谷底，如果大家都知道这个道理的话，世界会更好 谢谢美女，你真是个聪明的姑娘 And what takes you up,will take you down man,if everyone remembered that,the world would be ok,thanks love,you are a real smart cookie.
谢谢Jez，好了，你认为这重不重要，我的意思是你是个帅小伙，但是你的女友就是个流浪汉！ Thanks Jez,now,do you think it's important that, well,I mean,you're a great looking guy, even though your girlfriend is a cheap tramp!
还有，你认为乐队看起来光鲜靓丽重要还是音乐最重要？ But do you think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? or is it about the music?
如我所述，我是一个拥有两面的生物，天使和恶魔，看起来光鲜亮丽很重要，但音乐无法独自立足 Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know,an angel and a devil. and that means it's really important to look good,music cannot stand on its own.
唱歌的时候需要看起来光鲜亮丽，我厌倦了人们总是说我们只知道聚会，压根就不会演奏，如果我们不会演奏 会有人来我们演唱会吗？我们会那么出名吗？ you need to look good singin'it. I'm tired of people saying all we care about is partying,and that we cant play, if we couldnt play, then people wouldnt come to our concerts, we're not going away,and if we do it wont be on purpose.
我们在上节目呢！亲爱的，别再影响我了！我跟你说了，如果你现在感觉乘风而上， 等到雨过天明风止的时候，也请不要惊奇 额，我说到哪了？ We're on the radio love,stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks,anyway,where were we?
啊，她好烦人啊，你干嘛冲我招手？哦卧槽，是不是该放广告了？好嘞！马上回来！ AH, she's really getting on my nerves,why are you waving your hands at me,oh,I'm supposed to go to a commercial,I'll be right back.
你好！欢迎来到告别牧场！大家都说夕阳红岁月是你一生最好的年华 但很多老人在家把屋熏得臭烘烘的，还让孙辈们感到不爽 Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the best of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the grandkids feel uncomfortable with unbound fraction
现在，你的老人们可以在告别牧场享受最后年华而且还能挣钱！ Now,your old people can be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch
这是一座劳动农场，畜牧场，对超过75岁的老牛仔们就是一座火葬场！ it's a working farm,cattle ranch and a crematorium when the cowboys are all over 75.
他们会享受牛仔竞技秀，在田野中工作，把自己和 新朋友的人生中最后的停留之地打扫的井井有条 They'll enjoy rodeos,working in the fields and tending all the final resting places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill.
告别农场会让你的令尊令堂从黎明劳作至傍晚，当你的父母死去 我们将会寄送给你一个包裹 Farewell Ranch works your loved ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll send you a presentation package,
里边有一份录像带，还有他们死时穿的牛仔靴，我们的农场居民很喜欢这，对吗？Norm? VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing as they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm?
-这是二战集中营？ -告别农场！奔向阳光的唯一方式！ -Is this WW2? -Farewell Ranch the only way to ride into the sunset!
咯咯咯哇哇哇，咯咯酪这声音我喜欢 Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa*N That's the sound I love.
停止无趣的早晨，你让我整夜笑不停 Stop the morning, you make my night
无论什么加上咯咯酪都会很有趣 With Giggle Cream with everything,you make life bright
对信仰厌倦了？那就尽情的欢笑吧（Giggle Cream是笑气的混合物） Getting tired of my faith,then laughing and getting high
吃着咯咯酪，这心醉神迷的感觉，有什么能比这更有趣的呢？ With giggle cream,get the feeling,and what's more fun than that?
咯咯酪，那声音我喜欢！ 咯咯酪！让沙漠变乐园！ Gi,*N Giggle Cream! Wa*N That's the sound I love. Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
武术服？中国头巾？是不是少了什么？ Asian pyjamas,Chinese bandana.Something missing?
还有飞镖，剑道木枪或者双节棍，快来罪恶都市一站式商店来追赶无声刺客的潮流吧！ With a throwing star,kendo sticks,or nunchucks. At Vice City's one stop shop for the silent fashion assasin.
-我的妈呀，你看起来跟个疯子一样 -完成搭配！ -Wow,you look like a psycho! -Compelte the look
听众朋友们好！你现在在收听K-Chat，Jez你刚才在跟我聊音乐 Hi,I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jez you were telling me about the music.
好的，我们穿这些衣服是想感染工人们，因为你在钢铁厂工作一天下班后 yeah You know,we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man,because after you spend a day working in a steel mill,
你肯定想穿皮衣，空手比划演奏吉他，这就是我们存在的意义 You want to wear leathes clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about,
我们的最新的专辑是一场穿越地狱的音乐盛宴，我认为它充分的展现了这一点 The recent album was a musical trip through hell, and I think it shows.
是的呀，它确实展现了 Oh Yeah, it does.
我是说，我目睹了撒旦他不喜欢我的内在，他看到了黑暗，当然也有温和的方面 I mean,I saw Satan,he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness,but also a gently side.
去问Mandy！我能在黑暗中找到财富，那就是。。用什么词形容呢？ Ask Mandy,I can find treasure in the dark. And its that...what's the word?
东西？ Thing?
对头！那东西就能代表我是个艺术家，从内心到灵魂，从头到裤子，所有的一切 Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head and trousers, everything,
你能在我任意一场演唱会发现这一点，我还有LF会将你的灵魂带入黑暗 that's what you get at one of my shows, Jez,Torrent and Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness
别忘了把打火机带上！这玩法我发明的，我快要受够那些王八破坏我的氛围 我早期是穿女装的，你知道为什么吗？ Bring your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first,why?
因为它能向你全是光明和黑暗，就如同月亮一样，还有讲真美女，你的眼睛很美！ Because it tells you about light and darkness, like the moon,but seriously love, you've got great eyes, really.
哦，谢谢你，我一直认为你的音乐会带领人们看到你灵魂的内在 Oh,thanks Jez, I've always thought that your music really lets people see into your soul.
是的，我的灵魂充满苦楚，我是个危险的家伙，尽管我心碎了，但我仍是男人 Right into great big pools of pain like me,Dangerous Bastard, you see babe, I've had my heart broken and I am still a man
近期我在创作一首歌叫《雨中坠落在破碎梦想上的星星》 它是关于能够通过音乐而不是语言进行来交流 I'm working on a song right now called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, its about being able to communicate through music rather than words,
这就是为什么我夹克衫上画了条巨蛇 its set in a wind tunnel,that's why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket,
蛇象征一种...潜意识的力量，生活是很痛苦的，没有音乐我会迷失的 The snake symbolises kind of a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music I'd be lost
这新专辑是我们迄今为止最成熟的作品，我很擅长这个，因为我用心在唱 This new album is our most mature work yet.I am brilliant on it,because I sing from the heart.
关于，心碎的？ About... Heart break?
我亲爱的！別提这一出，就当为了你的节目 我们的人和你们说过的，讲真，我很感激贵节目的邀请 Babe,babe,babe,Don't go there please,do your show a favour, take it easy, my people spoke to your people about this,and seriously,I appreciate the offer.
还有，我会跟你上床的，你必须得了解，这一切发展的太快了。 And look,I would shag you,but you have to understand, its too soon.
因为Sherry离开了你对吗？ Because Sherry left you.Right？
亲爱的！我的人和你们说了别提Sherry！ Babe,my people spoke to this about your people I said do not mention Sherry,
她就是我灵魂的扎针，巫毒！你是谁？我的专属恶魔？ 你这么做会为我带来更多的痛苦 Its like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you,are you my personal devil,that you could do this to me that pain is too much,
我脸上的刘海就是要隐藏我的灵魂，Sherry必须得走，因为她想参加海军陆战队 我们无法在一起！讲真！别提这一出！ I have hair on my face to hide my soul,Sherry had to go,because the wanted to be a marine. We couldn't be together,seriously,don't go there.
啊啊啊，这太惨了！有纸巾吗你？Jez！我很抱歉！ This is so sad!do you have a tissue out there,oh Jez, I'm so sorry.
讲真美女，你应该听听我的歌《龙之眼》这歌承载了我对她一切的描述 Seriously love,if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything that needs to be said about her,
你帮不了我！这歌就像鸡头一样生猛！痛苦抓住你，让你在漫漫长夜思考一切 You cant help me,its raw like a chickens head you know,the pain it grips you,and makes you think about everything.Its the longest night of all.
Jez!这是我最好的一次采访！感谢你的到来！为你的粉丝们，是时候办个有奖竞猜了！ Jez!This has been the best interview of my life,thanks so much for coming on. For all of you love fist fans out there,its time for a contest.
对头！女士们先生们，你现在正在收听我的采访，由。。。 That's right,ladies,gents,you're listening to me, Jez Torrent on K-Chat being interviewed by, by,
是Amy！老天！你忘了我名字吗？ It's Amy. Oh god,you forgot my name?
是是是，我无所谓！罪城的市民们，你现在有机会来赢得我的周边！我的签名！ Yeah,yeah.Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the oppourtunity to win a part of me,my signature.
我只把它送给买了我全部唱片的人 I only give away parts of me to people who have bought all our records.
选项是BeastFist是哪个专辑的单曲？ A:Dog's on Heat,B Fat chicks,all day all nigh还是C Devil's own band. So you've got to answer this: On which album does Beast Fist appear? Was it A Dog's on heat,B Fat chicks,all day all night or C Devil's own band.
快回答问题来赢取LF的丰厚礼品吧！ For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes,just answer the question.
你只需要把答案写明信片上寄给我们！Jez!走前能不能给我们清唱几句？ All you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the station.Jez, before you go,will you please play us a song acoustic?
爬！只有娘炮才清唱！美女！别损我逼格！我得为大演唱会蓄力！ Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my style. I've got to save up the love for the big show.
宝贝！我真爱你！一辈子的朋友！见见粉丝总是好的，能不能替我照顾下Mandy？ Babe, I love you,I really do. Friends for life.Dancing in the fire and all that.Always good to meet a fan.Will you look after Mandy for us will ya?
卧槽，我又把火机弄丢了！ Aww,I lost my lighter again.
Lovefist！
这就是我和我的偶像Jez Torrent，LF成员他们正在罪城进行世界巡演 That was the dreamy Jez Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week in Vice City as part of their world tour.
把你的火机，带上，当然别忘了备上内裤！我肯定会的！广告之后马上回来！谢谢你的收听！ Bring your lighters and a spare pair of panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages, thanks.
什么能造就一个真正的美国人？ What makes a real American?
牛仔帽？吃一块完美的带骨牛排？打棒球？打枪？ A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun?
也许是随心所欲的进入第三世界国家对他国内政指手画脚 Maybe it's the freedom to go into a poor country and tell them how to do things!
那些都是我们美国人的好品质，但造就一个真正的爱国者的是买车只选国产车 Those are all great qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car.
每当你买一辆进口车，你就毁了一位勤劳的美国人的饭碗 When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American's table.
他可怜的女儿要饿死了，就是因为你买了一辆更好上手，更便宜的麦霸子（日本车） His poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu.
没有总值过剩的产能，美国人还有什么能引以为豪的？ Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to?
我们伟大的工业正在受到威胁！汽车业！色情业！军火业！ Our great industries are threatened! Cars, pornography, armaments!
他们需要你的帮助！下次买车，买黄书，或导弹防空系统！ And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence system!
一定要买国产的！ Make sure you do the American thing!
老Max，我们去哪都在一起对不？ Old Max.We go everywhere together.Right boy?
我们宠物填充者知道，没有什么比一个男人和他的狗之间的感情更真挚 有时他们就是无法释怀宠物的离去 At Pet Stuffers,we know there's nothing like the relationship between a man and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go.
Max,你没有吃饭！是不是已经连续两周了？ Max,you didn't eat your food.That's the second week in a row. Max?
当这种情况发生，你就把你的宠物放冰箱里，然后打电话给我们！ When the unspeakable happens,just put your four-legged friend in the fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers!
我们一周内就会抵达！不到一个月！你的宠物就会焕然一新，回到你身边！ We'll be there within a week to pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new.
通过古埃及神奇的防腐标本技术，你和你的好友会永远在一起！ Through an Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will always be together.
耶！好狗狗！ Yeah, that's a good dog.
宠物填充者！当你对感情无法释怀时！很快提供家中祖辈永久防腐服务！ Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon,Grandparents Forever!
更好! Higher!
感觉好的秘诀就是模样好！模样好的秘诀就是发型好！ The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great is to have good hair that's great!
把发型整的更好！好到极限！ Take your hair higher! Take your hair to the limit!
去夜店鬼混的时候用娘娘牌发胶，或者当你把头伸出豪车的天窗时 你想知道你的发型是不是表现到极致的 Use Sissy Sprite when your clubbing,or sticking your head out of a stretch limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing to the limit.
更好！水平要比明星们更高！ Higher!Gonna get higher than the stars!
娘娘牌发胶，它是未来的美发方式，当你的发型闪耀时 人们知晓你是一个成功者 With Sissy Sprite,it's hair for the future, not the past. When you have great hair, people know you're a winner!
要让自己的发型今晚在夜空中飞舞！ Gotta fly on my own hair tonight!
娘娘牌发胶可能会导致口干，瞳孔扩散， 心理偏执，心悸和鼻血，还有一头炫发！ Sissy Spritze may cause dry mouth,dilated pupils,paranoia,heart palpitations and nose bleeds,plus your hair will be great!
欢迎回来！我是Amy Sheckenhausen！接下来我们要采访的是 This is K-Chat,welcome back to the show. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen and next up
一个女扮男装的人，还把女扮男装的经历写成了书 今天她要跟大家好好说说她的经历！ we're going to be interviewing someone who's got a lot to say for herself. A woman who is pretended to be a man and wrote a book about it.
她的书我还没有看，不过我打算假装我看过了 她是罪城大学人类学的教授 I haven't read it, but I'm going to pretned I did. She's professer of anthropology and womens studies at the University of Vice City.
她的名字叫Micheala Crapsis！ And her name's Micheala Crapsis.
欢迎你来到我们的节目！ Micheala.Micheala.Hi,welcome to K-Chat.
-观众朋友们好! -你好！Michelle,你是老师吗? -Hello. -Hi, so Micheala you're a teacher?
如果你是指教授？是的！我有博士学位！老师是拿着最低工资的家庭妇女！ 工作就是让青少年男孩白天别在大街上鬼混。 If you mean professor yes i have a doctorate,teachers are homely women who make minimum wage to keep the teenage boys off the streets during the day.
我很明智，我更想讨论我的聪明才智！我正尝试卖出我的作品！ I am very intelligent and I'd rather talk about that.I'm trying to sell my book
好吧，你的书说你想成为一个男性！至少你打扮的像！ Ok,now it says here that you wanted to be a man so much, you dressed up like one.
好吧，亲爱的！那是歧视女性宣传的谣言！我厌恶男性！我无法忍受他们！ Well that's a load of crap my dear.more misogynistic propaganda I hate men, can't bear them,
我觉得男人就是浪费时间空气！讲白了！他们就是地球的灾难！ I think they're a complete waste of time and space quite frankly and a disaster for the planet.
同感！我才被甩！ Me too, I just got dumped.
好吧，真不幸你居然让自己和男人发展关系，好好看看你自己 你原本可以做一名有魅力的女孩！ Oh well it is unfortunate you measure yourself worth in relation to a man my dear.look at you.you could be an attractive girl.
举个例子！如果你从事过一些体力劳动，剪短发，长体毛！穿靴子 if you did some physical labour,cut your hair short, grew out your body hair and wore boots for example.
你这样就肯定不会被异性恋的父权社会所迷惑！ You mustn't get sucked into their hetero patriarchy
我喜欢约会，有人请你吃晚餐挺好的 I like dating, having someone buy you dinner is great.
好吧，我们有回到你和你的接受你真正的自我这个问题了，还是多说说我吧！ Well we'll come back to you and your problems accepting who you really are. Let's talk about me a bit more
额，好吧，说说你的书吧，你厌恶男性，而且你打扮也像男人 现在你也写了本书关于你对男性的看法对吧 Ok,so,tell me about your book. you hate men a lot. and you dressed up like one, and now you've written a book about it. Right?
或多或少吧，我说了我很明智，我不指望你能懂我，那我就说简单点 More or less. as i said I'm very itelligent so i don't expect you to understand my dear but I'll try to keep it simple.
我一直对这个父权社会很痴迷，当然是反对的那一角 I've always been fascinated with the world of men, revolted of course,but fascintated.
现在作为学者，只要我写本书然后冠个复杂的书名就可以赚钱了 能听懂吗美女？ Now,as an academic I can get paid to write a book about pretty much anything as long as I give it a complicated title.Are you with me gourgeous?
-能吧 -好，现在握住我的手，这能帮助我思考 - I think so.- Good, then hold my hand, it helps me think.
不！ No
好好，別那么不自在，现在哪搞的都跟大学一样 学校不让我在学生评论那展示我那美丽性感的木刻画让我很不爽 Ok, ok, sorry. don't be so weird. god, everywhere I go just like the university, won't let me display my beutiful and sensual woodcuts in the student comments. It makes me so angry!
-我说到哪了？ -你在说你自己 -Where was I? -You were talking about yourself.
当然啦，自负对我来说非常危险，我是荣格派 Oh of course. The ego is a dangerous thing specially in my case, I'm a Jungian, anyway
所以我就打扮的想个男人，进入男人的世界 我告诉你这么做比我想象的要艰难多了 so what I did was dress up like a man and enter into the man world. I can tell you it was more horrifiing then I imagined.
你做了什么？ What did you do
首先，在第一章，我是个屋顶工人，那些性别歧视者花了一整天 在屋顶议论我们Amy Well, the first chapter, I was a roofer. These sexist spend all day on a roof talking about us Amy.
我当时特别想跟他们说说我对女性做了什么。当然，我不能暴露身份 I was expected to sit around and talk about what I had done to women, of course I had to so not to blow my cover.
你书名是什么 What's the name of your book
是的，我之前提过，我的书有个非常生涩的书名，叫《Being and Seeing》 Yes,as mentioned hitherto, my book has a very very obtuse title.Being and Seeing.
-从弗洛伊德到建筑工地，一个女性在男性的心理世界中遨游 -啊什么？ - From Freud to the Building Sites, a Woman's journey into the Male Psychy. - Huh what
我承认这没那么通俗易懂，但是学术并不是让你懂，更多是探索 I'll admit it's not very catchy.But Academia is not about getting to the point.It's about exploration.
额，好吧，我今天学了不少新东西 Ok,wow,I'm learning a lot today.
所以，我进入了男人的世界，当然是伪装成男人，所以我穿的像个男人 So I entered the world of men,in disguise of course,I was dressed like a man.
好吧，你没换回来？ Ok, and you haven't changed back?
什么。你说什么 What, what did you say?
你穿的还像个男人 You're still dressed like a man.
才没有！这些是我正常的衣服！老天啊，Amy別被邪恶父权迷惑了！ No I'm not,these are my normal clothes.For gods sake Amy,don't fall prey to the patriarchy's evil fashion schemes!
哦对不起 Oh,sorry
不管怎么样，我当男人的时候学到了很多。 举个例子，你知不知道我在匹兹堡当钢厂工人的时候 Anyway, I learned a lot when I was a man. Did you know for example that during my time as a steelworker in Pittsburg,
我听到了那些工人有时再工作环境嘈杂时，会说一些对女性很粗鲁的话 I learned that men sometimes speak crudely about women when they are out of earshot
我当时挺震惊的，还有，那些男人会把像你这样的女人，就比作泄欲的玩具 I was horrified.Or that men regard some women,like you Amy, as mere sex toys.
或者当成消遣，难以置信啊！那些男人还觉得体育很有趣 真无知！而且现在他们掌控着这个世界！是的是他们掌控这个世界！ Things for their amusement.Unbelieveable! Or that men actually find sports intersting! It's appaling.And they run the world my pretty, oh yes,they run the world.
他们掌控着么？ They do?
是的！当你在家当主妇烘焙饼干的时候 看看里根！看看撒切尔！看看戈尔巴乔夫！去他们妈的 Yeah. Look at Reagan, look at Thatcher,look at Gorbechef,when we stay home and bake cookies,well screw that sweetheart.
好吧我赞同 Yes, I agree.
很好！別做什么饼干了，而是直接把托盘甩男人脸上吧 Good, don't bake a cookie,smash him in the face with a baking tray instead.
男人都是蠢驴!你知不知道男人都喜欢看果女图？那叫色情业 这东西真的是又肮脏又病态！ he's a brainless dolt, he's a man. Did you know men enjoy looking at pictures of naked women,it's called pornography, it's sick and foul.
我这周末要在女性中心的演讲中好好说道说道这个！ 演讲名叫带染色体Y的女性 I'm giving a talk about it this weekend at the women's centre.That's women with a y.
呵呵，说错了吧（y染色体是男性） Hah,I think you spelt it wrong.
你哪一边的Amy?woman中的三个字母是不是让你变男人了？ 你对男人太依赖了Amy! Are you a woman Amy? Three of the five letters that make up your description are M. A. N. You're too dependant on men amy.
这就是为什么我从不管自己叫Woman！ That's why I don't call myself a woman amy.
好吧 Um,ok
我敢打赌这家电台的老板是个男人，保守派白人男垄断了媒体， 让右翼金发女来宣传保守思想 I bet this radio station is owned by a man, white male conservatives monopolise the media selecting right wing blondes to propagate conservatism.
我可没有金发 I don't have blonde hair.
你也快了！你知不知道男人抽烟喝酒戴帽子？ Not yet Amy,not yet.Did you know men drink beer,smoke cigarettes and wear hats?
额对 Well, yeah.
哈，你肯定看过我的书了，我发现了很多东西 我还扮演过警察和未受培训的脑科医生，男人都一样！都是仇女者！ Heh well,you must have read my book.I've discovered a lot of things.I was also a policeman and an untrained brainsurgeon.They're all the same,all women haters.
就因为他们喜爱运动和帽子，不代表他们恨女性吧？ Just because they like sports and hats, doesn't mean they hate women does it?
你个自卑的家伙！当然表示啦！你们媒体就把我们女权说成是什么 穿着过时的靴子，烧胸罩的疯子，不称职的母亲 You self hating fool!Of course it does!The media,meaning you falsely portrays feminists as bra burners,out dated combat boot wearing,bad mothers.
你现在为什么不勇敢点？把上衣脱了！ 告诉那帮混蛋你不再会被他们审查了！ Why don;t you take your top off right now Amy?huh? Tell them you won't be censored any more!
不！我有点害怕了现在！！我额(⊙o⊙)… No! I'm getting a little bit freaked out here, ah buh, hit the,
你有没有...我们会教你如何整理床铺，在队列中行进 Do you...we'll teach you how to make beds,march in squares,
擦皮鞋，清理厕所，带着骄傲徒手杀人 shine shooes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do it all with pride.
军队会交给你一生中你需要的所有技能！拨打1-880-当个英雄 今天就做个真男人！ The military teaches you all the skills you'll need later in life. Call 1-880-BEAHERO. And become a real man today.
你干嘛又冲我招手？卧槽，得再放个广告 Why are you waving you hands? Oh, I'm supposed to hit the other commercial.
这个秋天，一部给力的警匪剧将在周五呈现 This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night.
一个好警察被调转到一个麻烦重重的区域和一个外太空来客做搭档 He was a well to do cop,transferred to a trouble precinct, downtown.His new partner is a space traveller,
带着对公正的一片热诚之心，这就是雅痞（属于中上阶层的年轻专业人士）和外星人 With a passion for justice. It's Yuppie and the Alien!
听着，在你们半人马阿尔法星也许会蒸发那些不同政见者 但在我们区！我们按规章办事！ Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri,but in this precinct, we do things by the book!
我非常抱歉警尉！ I'm so terribly sorry, captain.
啊，对不起啊 Haah.Googan sorry!
別错过这部警匪剧！他们身着名牌服饰，开着豪华跑车 和不明飞行物，用强硬的方式对抗犯罪 Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the hard way, in designer clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car, and a UFO.
我的好搭档！来开车兜个风，让我们看起来很高冷 Partner,let's go cruise in the car and look moody.
一个最为棘手的市片区，两个外来者，用他们自己的方式打击犯罪 《雅痞和外星人》罪恶都市电视台隆重推出 One tough,downtown precinct,two outsiders,doing things their way,Yuppie and the Alien, on VBC.
大家好我是BJ Smith罪成曼巴斯队的球星和BJ的二手车行的社长 Hi,I'm BJ Smith,tied in for the Vice City Mambas and proud proprieter of BJ's Used Autos.
我的车来自全美来到弗洛里达就是想找一个新家，和你们一样 Cars from all over America come to find a new home on Florida,just like you.
我复员后来到了罪城，尽快美式足球和越南不同，但是他们有很多相似之处 I moved here after the draft,football not Vietnam,even though they do have a lot in common
我注意到这座美丽城市缺少一件有趣事物 就是从没有一个名人代言过一个二手车行 I notcied there was one thing missing from this great town,a celebrity endorsed used car shop.
这就是为什么我找到了我的车行，我的帅车们都被翻新过，看起来就跟新的一样 That's why I founded BJ's Used Autos. Everyone of these beauties has been freshly painted they look brand new.
我们每天早上大概凌晨2点都有车模来 We have new models coming in every morning,usually around 2 am
我们什么车都能给你弄到，如果你看到了你中意的车，告诉我们 我们什么车都能给你搞到！ We can get you anything,and if you see the car of your dreams, tell us,we can aquire it for ya!
我在二手车行业就像我在球场那么专业 I've learned as a pro football player to the used car business,
猛击，控制，拼命狂奔，我不是在说球 我是在说低价购买帅车 smash grab and run like hell.BJ's Used Autos,I'm talking low prices with hot cars.
如果你想和Michelle Crapper对线的话，给我们栏目来电就行啦 If for some reason you'd like to speak to Michelle Crapper, just give her a call on K-Chat,who's on the line?
Michealla！你好，平安喜乐姐妹！我现在只穿长裤 我也有9个月没给自己刮过毛上过油了 Michelle, hi!Peace sister.I'm wearing trousers, I haven't shaved or waxed in nine months.
我离开了我那总是心碎的丈夫，还有嗷嗷待哺的孩子 我现在和很多伴侣生活在一起，现在生活也很简单有趣 I left my broken hearted husband and baby behind.Now I'm living in a comune with a series life partners having quite simple amazing experiences,
我去年在你的演讲中得到了很多启发，谢谢你，你教会了我很多 I got my inspiration from a lecture you gave last year. Thank you so much. You taught me a lot.
很好亲爱的，但问问你自己，你做的够不够，听起来你现在生活在谎言中 Yes good sweetheart, but ask yourself, are you doing enough? It sounds to me like you're living a lie.
你的生活依然以男人为中心，你还在用“我没有”来替自己狡辩 而不是我是这个原则！ Your life is still very man centric.You're still justifying yourself by the I am not then the I am principle.
讲真，你还不如回去把你老公的床和夜壶整干净 你这个假女权就是丢我们女权的名声 I mean really,you might as well make his bed and clean his litter tray for gods sake. It's half hearted fools like you that give feminism a bad name.
但是我还拿刀把我弟弟给揍了！ But I even attacked by brother with the bread knife.
你个装逼犯，舞会女王，啦啦队队长，穿裙子的猪女！Amy你看 女权很多所谓的赞成者都不是真诚的支持女权而是选择性支持，根本就没准备好面对男人的威胁！ You show pony! prom queen,cheerleader,skirt wearer.You see Amy,that's the thing about people,they're so halfhearted.Pick and Mix,not prepared to carry out their threats.
那女的，我打赌她就是想出名，她其实就是个自卑者，在男人世界中的失败者 That woman, that lady,as I bet she likes to be known,is really a self hater,a failure in a man's world.
你知道她为什么失败吗？她肯定没有拿一桶烧焦的油攻击过男人 You know why?I bet she's never attacked a man with a vat of boiling oil.
但她说她试过杀她弟弟 But she said she tried to kill her brother.
别跟我论！我写过书！ Don't argue with me! I write books!
好吧，下一位 Ok, next caller.
Michella，我是你的粉丝！ Michella, I'm a huge fan.
是吗？ Are you?
是的，你真的改变了我的生活，在我听你演讲之前，我还参加女权运动呢 Yes, you've really change my life.Before I heard you speak a couple of times,I was getting into the feminist movement,
-但是方式有点愚蠢 -是吗 -But sort of in a silly way. -Really?
是啊，你懂的呀，烧胸罩啊，和警察对打呀，拿枪射我老爸啊 就是这些玩法，我真的搞不懂我当时在想什么 Yeah,you know,burning my bra,beating up policeman,shooting my dad and stuff.Just fooling around you know. I really didn't understand the feelings I was having.
我懂，你们这些假女权经常会这样 Ah,I know the wearsome troubles of the halfhearted.
当我听过你的演说后，我了解之前的所谓女权有多扯了 And then after listening to you,I realised what a load of crap it was.
什么？ Excuse me
我了解之前的所谓女权有多扯了，你不能就因为男人和你不一样就恨男人 你不能因为别人和你不一样就恨别人！任何人都是一样 What a load of crap it was. You can't hate men just because they're different, you can't hate anyone just because they're different.
你必须得和他们共处，幸运的是我有了你这个书看多看傻的还觉得自己自命不凡的 无发老怨妇来告诉我我之前的那些行为有多无知。 You have to work with them. Luckily I needed a moronically, pretentious,over educated hairless old harridan like you to show me how stupid I was being.
我是说，我们只是普通人，就是像你这样的傻逼 以宣扬理想的名义还是虚无缥缈的理想来搞乱这个世界 I mean, we're all just people,and it's idiots like you who cause problems in this world in the name of reclaiming some false ideals.
然后不停在大街上扯什么性别政策，就是为了你能在公共场所穿皮衣。 And blabbering on and on about gender politics at rallys just so you can wear leather in public.
你干嘛无脑喷？ Why you missargenist？
并没有，你恨你自己因为你是个失败者，无知到家的学者 你的智力还不如屁股上的痤疮，再见 No,you're insane. You hate yourself because you're a failure,you're an appaling academic and about as intellectual as a hermeriod,goodbye.
-额，很高兴我的作品引发了这样一场有益的辩论，不是吗？ -Michella!她讨厌你嗷 -Well,uh,hum,well it's nice to see my work has stimulated such healthy debate don't you think? -Uh, Michelle? She hated you.
呵呵，胡说，那可怜的姑娘肯定很压抑吧？肯定还不适应和我这样的学者辩论 Yeah,nonsense,the poor dear was in bits.not very used to the cut and thrust of academia
我认为她观点表达的很差劲，她估计都不知道自己在说什么吧 估计是把她老公的蛋糕烤焦了 I thought she expressed herself poorly and didn't know what she was saying. Proberbly burnt her husband's cakes or something.
对我来说直面差别，激发我和其他女性的思想非常重要 我是多么聪明，强壮，你们这个社会逼迫我寻找自由解放 It's important for me to confront the differences and similarites myself and other women. I am smart,strong,I seek liberation. Your society imposes on me.
老天，这好复杂鸭！什么事物都有双面性 God,this is all so confusing. Everything has two meanings.
是的，且不说词语的话，我认为存在五面性 你可以选择当受害者，但你读了我的书后，你会知道男人都是浪费资源 Exactly, apart from the word through which has five. You can choose to be a victim Amy, after you read my book you'll realise that men are irrelevant.
男人能不能生娃？我需不需要一个男人生娃？不，我不需要男人 我们在这座城市需要更多的地方 Can a man have a baby? Do I need a man to have a baby? No. We don't need men, we need more parts of town we can call our own.
进行更多游行，更多聚集！让女人们用枕头和柔道对线！ More parades,more gatherings of understanding where women can beat each other with pillows and practise judo.
那听起来一点都不好玩！ That doesn't sound like fun at all.
闭嘴吧，我他妈受够你这个荡妇了 Oh shut up,I've had enough of you you little tart.
采访就到这里！大家别走开！节目回来时我保证 会有比Michelle Crapartist（指扯淡艺术家）更有趣的嘉宾来做客呦！ That makes two of us. Right, listeners don't go away. When you come back we'll have a new guest and I promise they'll be more interesting then Michelle Crapartist.
很荣幸采访你，我敢肯定大家都会认为这次采访很有启发性！ 还会知道为什么我们的信仰从一开始就是对的！马上回来！ it's been a pleasure,I'm sure we've all found this very illuminating. And why our beliefs were right in the first place. We'll be back right after this.
咯咯酪！那声音我中意！ Gi*N Wa*NThat's the sound I love.
超爱乳制品的营养还有笑气的添加！ Love the dairy goodness,prepared with toxic gas.
排毒效率特别低，吸下去尽情享受吧！ Make detox real low,suck it have a blast.
在哪都能买到它，杂货店或商店都可以 You can buy it anywhere,grocery store or shop.
爽的时候得确保坐稳啦，吸完脑袋要爆炸！ Make sure you're in a chair cus your heads gonna block.（Oh，no）
咯咯酪！那声音我中意！咯咯酪，让沙漠变乐园！！ Gi*N Wa*NThat's the sound I love.giggle cream!It makes desert funny!
他曾是儒雅随和之人，居住在北达科他州的一个农场里，直到一天 天 崩 地 裂！ He was a man of peace,living on a quiet farm in North Dakota,utill one day all hell broke loose!
Tim！我们需要你！ Tim we need you!
我是儒雅随和之人！我受够了杀戮了！我想成家立业过小日子！ I'm a man of peace,I'm done killing! I wanna raise a family!
-说对啦！他们抓走了你的家人！ -不！！！ -That's just it Tim! They got your family! -NOOOOO
Jack Howitzer饰演《引爆者》中的Tim,义无反顾的从美国的心脏去往柬埔寨的丛林 只为他一人内心中对和平的追求！ Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder! From the heart of America to the jungles of Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace.
越呼气？是你吗？ Ho Chi Vet is that you？
Tim！我就知道你会来！这就像往日一样，我们见人就杀！ Tim I know you come! Just like old days we kill everybody!
-Tim！他们把你爱人抓走了！ -但我还是未婚呀！ -Tim they got your wife!-But I'm not married!
你现在结了！和山姆大叔！ You are now,to America!
他前去拯救他深爱的祖国，追寻到了家人，但失去了一个挚友 He went in to save his country,but found his family and lost a friend.
-呼气！ -Tim！别丢下我！你教会我玩棒球！还教会我如何欢笑！ -Ho Chi！-Tim don't leave me! You thought me baseball game and how to laugh!
不！他原本可以做一个很好的美国人！ 等我杀完再为他落泪吧！ No!He would have been a fine American.I'll cry when I'm done killing!
为自己准备好裹尸袋！准备在此长眠！ 开始用美国的方式交朋友吧 Get your self a body bag,strap yourself in,start making friends the American way!
《爆炸者第二部--撤退》PG - 13级可能会包含爱国主义拉吉 Exploder: Evacuator Part 2!Rated PG, may include patriotic garbage.
欢迎回到K-chat!罪恶都市最主要的谈东谈西谈话电台！ So,hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat.Vice City's main place for things.
我说的谈东谈西是指比如采访东啊，采访西啊！现在没错就是访谈时间！ I mean well,it's a place in Vice City where things go on like interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's interviews!
我是Amy！罪城最好的访问者！K-Chat的独家访问者！ 记住啦！你只能在K-Chat上听到我的访谈哦 And I'm Amy Sheckenhausen,the best interviewer in Vice City and exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Amy on K-Chat.
我们下一个嘉宾是一个肩负着使命任务的人这也许就是为什么他的名字这么好玩了吧， 他的任务很简单——动物园！他的名字也叫——ZOO！Zoo先生！ Our next guest is a man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name. his mission is simple, zoos. His name is Mr Zoo.
-日安Amy！-你好呀Zoo先生！ -Good day Amy.-Hi Mr Zoo.
你好呀！我真名叫Pat！Pat Flanerdy！但我喜欢动物园！真的 这就是为什么大家都叫我Zoo先生了！ Hi,the name's Pat, Pat Flanerdy. But I love zoos, I really do. That's why they also call me Mr Zoo.
好的！你更喜欢哪一个？ OK, and which do you prefer?
-什么哪一个？ -哪个名字？是Zoo，还是你的本名？ -Ah what darlin? Which name, Mr Zoo, or Pat Flinger thingy?
这无所谓啦！喜欢叫我什么叫什么，只要是在谈动物 你叫我什么都可以，当然别叫我Sheila什么的 Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we talk about animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it ain't Sheila or something.
你好沙雕啊！Zoo先生！我干嘛要叫你Sheila呢？ Hahayou're silly Mr Zoo.Why would I call you Sheila?
不知道啊美女，你告诉我！ I don't know love you tell me.
好吧好吧，有点乱了哦，一开始你说你名字叫Zoo先生，然后又Flanagum？现在又Sheila? Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Mr Zoo, and now your saying your name is Pat Flanagum, and now you're saying it's Sheila?
额，美女，我的名字不叫什么Sheila，那是Sheila的名，这是我们澳洲的笑话 Uh, doll,the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an Australian joke.
好吧我不懂你们的梗 Okay,oh right.I don't speak Australian, do I?
我认为你不懂亲爱的 I guess not sweetheart.
好的不说这个啦，你是Zoo先生？ Ok, well, moving on. You're Mr Zoo?
-是我 -厉害呀，我听说你给你自己取了不少名字，为什么呢？ -That I am.-Cool And I hear you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that?
因为我喜欢动物！还有宣传这类的东西，超级喜欢动物的我！ Because I love animals A.ni, animals. And publicity and stuff, and I love animals I love them
我也是！ Me too!
这就对了！我们都喜欢动物但是我们都不是很了解动物 我今天来到你们节目的目的就是和大家说说动物还有自己 That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much about them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about that and myself of course
当然啦，好，说说吧！ Of course so, right, what about animals?
其实这很有趣，但很多人不知道，最近有一门学科叫遗传学 它有一项研究说我们人类的基因和苍蝇，或者蟑螂鸽子是90%相似的 Well its interesting right,but not a lot of folks realise that we're 90% the same as a fly a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science out there called genetics,I think？
我觉得遗传学以后肯定会很受重视的 它告诉我们同一遗传级别的生物都是差不多的 Which is going to be real popular real soon.So what it tells us is all animals are pretty much the same,from a genestical level.
不觉明厉 Oh cool
-当然很厉害！你不知道这意味着什么对吧？ -我一头雾水！ -Damn right its cool babe! You know what that means don't ya? -No I haven't got a clue!
意思就是我们生物要相互照顾，像个大家庭一样！ It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family.
好吧！让我理一理！就像我兄弟是蟑螂，我爸是鸽子？我妈是苍蝇对吧？ Okay!So let me get this straight,like my brother is a cockroach, and my dad is a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right?
从遗传学的角度来说吧，你刚刚羞羞完，你知道这意味什么吗 Well sort of genetically speaking but your bang on love.And you know what that also means?
额不知道 Uh, no.
意思就是一可以和随便什么动物结婚，生子都可以 除非你已经结婚了，亲爱的你还未婚对不？ That you could literally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have kids unless your married already babe, you ain't married are ya?
没呢，我才和我男友分开，他不喜欢我的工作，他觉得广播听起来很傻 No,I just split up from my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the radio.Whatever. Said I sounded stupid.
说到点子上了，我是说想象一下你和一头狼或者一只小蜜蜂约会 那些动物他们还会保护你之类的 Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a wolf or a cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff.
往你身上尿尿确保不会有别的动物来骚扰你，他还绝对不会对你的工作有意见 Urinate to keep out intruders but he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't mind a bit.
为什么不呢 Why not
狼和鹿没有什么对他人成功进行嫉妒的概念 那是直立人和蜘蛛猿之间的区别，嫉妒你身上毛多吗？ Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's success. That's the genetic variation between homo erectus and spider monkeys.Jealousy and fur and stuff.
这样啊 Oh
-当然啦，你想不想让Zoo先生我在给你说说别的？ -好哇 -Oh indeed sweetthighs,oh indeed. Would you like Mr Zoo to tell you something else? -Yeah!
你在学校学的东西都是扯犊子，就拿生物学说吧！老师是不是告诉你鲨鱼很危险？ Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take biology for instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right?
-是的！-扯淡！他们吓你呢，鲨鱼才不会伤害你？你有没有试过和鲨鱼亲热过？ —yes!-Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you!Have you ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one,relaxing it a little?
-没 -我有过！非常爽！非常有益！ -No -Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding And babe.very rewarding indeed.
-是吗？-是的！绝对绝爽！只要你一放松！还**它就像会游泳的小狗样 这整个过程真的是充满情爱的！ -Really?-Yeah, abso-bloody-lootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little rubbing it's like a swimin puppy,real affectionate and stuff.
好！我会试试的！ OK, I'll try that!
-你应该试试！真的让我在告诉你点别的！ -继续继续！ -You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else. -Go on, go on.
其实吧，我现在主要是说给男听众的，你知道女性是什么样的吗 谁不知道呢？我是指人类女性，当人类女性动情准备好想那个的时候 Well,this is something for the guys out there really.You know what a girl like, who ain't got a clue,I mean a female human, when she's on heat and ready to mate
她看起来就很直爽，很有野性。当她没有动情的时候 你要是敢跟她搞什么不轨的动作她肯定一啤酒瓶把你开了 Looks like been a cool girlfriend no human when she ain't on heat.And would throw a drink over your face if you grabbed her behind and start trying anything intimate.
你看不出有和其他动物有什么区别，我非常懂这个 You can't tell the difference.I know that only too well.
我再拿菲律宾的猴子举例吧，当它发情时，后边的公猴会博起， 屁股还会变的更红，这时候母猴就会发出这种声音 But Take a monkey from the jungles of the Philippines,when she's on heat, her behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound a bit like this
任何一个家伙都能看出来这时候时机成熟可以交配了 这就不想人类那样，那么多一眼就能看出动情没有 And any fool or thing that can tell she's ripe and ready for action,certainly clears up any confusion.
确实吧，我觉得是的 Yeah I guess it does
或者黑寡妇毒蛛,它在交配完后会吃掉配偶 就如同男女分手时说，一切都结束了 Or a female black widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the deed,as they say, is done.
好恶心啊 Uegh!
我懂，那确实把同一事物放进了不同生物的不同视角对吧？ Yeah,I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it?
我从没有那样过 I've never done that.
是没有过，但是你可以这么做，因为你和那些生物是一样的 或者或多或少是一样的，我的工作就这方面比较有趣 No,but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the same. I mean that's the funny thing about my work,about Genestetics
天哪，这个世界好复杂呀！ Oh God! The world is so complicated.
-当然了，动物之间也有很多微小的不同，你知道什么是物种吗亲爱的？ -知道呀 -There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what a species is don't you honey? -Yes.
一种动物在这种物种中还有其他种类的同种 这就比如狗是一个物种，但猫不是因为猫科还有其他很多种类 It's an animal,which has other animals,which are quite a bit like it.A dog is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats.
不管怎么样吧，我发现了很多新物种，那些有实验室 天天研究的的蠢货根本就闻所未闻我发现的这些新物种 However,I've discovered out there in the wild loads of new species that regular science practice barriers pressed blokes who have laboratories haven't even known about.
-是吗？ -是的我还发现了一种有角的熊，以我命名叫Pat熊 长相和普通熊一样，但是他长角的地方有很大的角藏着 -Really?-I have.There's a horny pat bear named after me, Pat right?Exactly the same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth hidden right down its groin area.
你必须得把它解剖开好好找一找，确实完全不一样，我找到的时候惊呆了 You gotta reach in and have a fiddle about and then you find it. Completely different it is. I was amazed when I found it.
我能想象，我当我离开我美发师的时候，我也惊呆了 I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers.
难怪，所有的Pat猴其实都和其他普通的猴差不多 No wonder darlin.All the double gutted pat tree monkeys exactly like a normal tree monkey,
不同点它是以我命名！还有被我解刨过当你在他体内翻找时，在肛门部分 你会发现两个消化道！两个！真的太腻害了！ Except it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside, goin in the back door,you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazing! Really pround it was.
好恶心呀 Ooh. That's gross!
不不不，这是Zoo先生我的科学，解刨和姦动物，我爱动物！我讨厌生活！ No Amy,it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals.Because I love them and I hate life.
好的，但你说你喜欢动物园 Okay, it also says here you like zoos
爱恨交织，宝贝 it's a love-hate thing babe.
这....这。。。好吧 that that's nice
但我绝对是个专家，我知道我在干什么，我也不怕在公众面前暴露我自己！ But I'm certainly an expert,I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid to expose myself.
好吧，我现在有点搞不懂了所有的按钮突然开始闪，还是休息会放个广告吧！ 回来后我们会开始接听听众的来电！广告后马上回来！ OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and when we come back take some phone calls,cuz all the buttons are really flashing all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat!
进化学理论已经解出了许多生命的奥秘，比如蝌蚪或者金字塔的秘密 The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries like tadpoles or the pyramids.
但是我们腋窝存在的意义依然是个谜，它为什么存在？为什么长毛？ But the mystery of the armpit remains.What's it for? Why is it hairy?
为什么男人也有两个咪咪？但是一件事是肯定的，腋窝它不好闻 And why do men have nipples? But one things for certain,the armpit smells bad.
幸运的我们有凹凹膏，它就像你皮肤的润滑油，你汗腺的敌敌畏 Luckily there's Pit Balm.It's like napalm for your skin or Agent Orange on your sweat glands.
凹凹膏可以快速有效停止一切令人烦躁的皮肤分泌功能 速度快到就像我们的大兵到敌国乡村扫荡那么快 Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily functions in their tracks. It's as effective as sending GIs into a peasant village.
当你在和你的个人卫生苦苦战斗时 快用我们为你提供的重型火力打击来消灭异味吧！ When you're fighting the war against personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery.
这周五，一部无与伦比俘获全美观众心弦的情景剧 又给了我们全国观众一句经典语录! This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that's captured America's hearts and given the whole country a new catchphrase.
我已经四十二了！ But I'm 42!
五人行--经过在领养局的一场大闹剧后 切斯特菲尔德一家带回了3个古怪的房客 Just the Five of Us!After a mix up at the adoption agency the Chesterfields came home with three zany new houseguests.
Timmy，把你房间整整，然后睡觉！ Timmy,tidy your room and go to bed.
我真是受够了！我讲多少回了我得了罕见病！我看起来12岁 但我是个42岁的投资银行家！我要出门找小姐姐！ I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look 12 but I'm a 42-year-old investment banker.I wanna go out and get laid.
呵呵，我还是圣诞老人呢，去整理房间！ Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room.
傻逼 Asshole!
Shawn，我们时髦的郊区房肯定比你以前住的那小巷好多了吧 Shawn,our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you were sleeping in.
我真的挺喜欢那地方，但是那里没有足够的酒 I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze.
这是电视上最有趣的半小时 It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television.
Charlotte，什么味？ Charlotte, what's that smell
-我又把沙发点了 -好家伙，我来帮你 I set the couch on fire again. Here I can you help with that.
这周五人行剧集卖点是 一个美丽的金发姑娘打算把我们的Timmy老爹偷走 And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an attractive blonde lady tries to steal Timmy away.
对头对头！ Now you're talking!
五人行！周五在罪城电视台播出！ Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VNC!
节目继续！今天我们的受访者是一位来自澳洲的动物爱好者Zoo先生 如果你有问题想问问他，现在就给我节目来电吧 I'm on K-Chat,and so are you.If you're listening,I'm here with Australian animal lover Mr Zoo. If you've got anything to ask him, why don't you just give us a call right now.
好的呢，快来电吧，我会告诉你想知道关于动物的一切奥秘 Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you need to know about animals.
好嘞，谁来电啦 OK, who's on the line?
-这是Pat Flanerdy？ -如假包换 -Is that Pat Flanerdy? -Good day, of course it is.
-你在罪城呢？ -是呢 -And you're in Vice City? -Yeah
-你丫在罪城干嘛呢？ -宣传动物啊 -What are you doing here? - Promoting animals mate.
-你丫不记得庭审了？ -滚蛋，Amy换个听众吧 -Don't you remember the court case? - Ah, get lost. Amy, uh, let's have another caller.
额好吧，谁在二线呀？你现在在和我们节目对线 Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat!
別挂老子电话，你应该去医院你个变态！ Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you sicko.
別生气呀伙计，医院是给不舒服的人准备的，我好着呢 Easy there mate.Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the top of my game.
你是不是疯了？別回答！我知道，你又病态，又疯癫，你需要医院治疗 Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane and you need help.
我有签证！伙计，你不能碰我！我是好人，我热爱动物！ I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm bonafide. I love animals.
离我远点！不然我到你们水族馆把你扔到池子里喂鲨鱼！ 你个只知道按章办事的谋杀者！ Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your aquarium and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer.
你当时要是让我进池子BOBO就和我在一起啦！我知道怎么让它开心！离我远点听到没？ Amy下次把来电听众的名字告诉我，电话和电台采访不一样不是双向的 Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. I could have done.Stay away from me you hear? Name all callers OK Amy? Phones are so impersonal not a two way conversation like the radio.
-好吧好吧，刚才是谁呀 -电话打错了吧 -Okay, um, who was that? -Wrong number I think.
不才不是 -是，他打错了，他想要一个一个管道工和一个中国人，我当时在和他说澳洲口音！ -No it wasn't. -Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese.I was speaking to him in Australian.
好吧，刚才水族馆又是这么回事？ Okay,cool.Uh,what was that about the aquarium?
没什么，很久以前就过去的事，他们当时就是设法想激怒我 我当时还上当了说了一些不该说的话 Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago.I was tricked into saying something I regretted.
额，好吧，我也经常口无遮拦 Oh,cool. That happens to me all the time.
我能看出来美女，就是打错了，永远别相信一个精神疾病仲裁庭的人 我只相信动物！ I can see that love.Yeah, big mistake,never trust a judge of a mental health tribunal, never.
好吧，他们让你说了些什么? Ok,and what did they make you say? 414 00:39:53,750 --> 00:39:58,889 没什么，很久以前的事情了，我带了点东西给你 Nothing babe!Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little surprise for you.
这是个雌性瘟疫鼠，看看它和我在一起多放松？我有这方面的超能力 他的很多方面很像小袋鼠，你懂我吗美女？ It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she is with me? I've got special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey kangaroo in a lot of ways, you know what I mean love?
告诉我他们让你说了什么不该说的？ I mean huh what did they make you say
我还把裤带蛇裤带蛇带来了，想不想看看？我口袋里还有个小青蛙 就像你喜欢的那样安静，睡着了没醒呢 I've also brought a menacing trouser snake.Would ya like to see it? Look at this it's a little frog in my pocket.Calm as you like, not even awake
啊，好像死了...在这个口袋里，我放了个我今早接生的小长颈鹿 她还在包在她妈妈的羊水里呢，难以置信对吧！ Awh he's died.Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf giraffe I birthed this morning,see she's still covered in fluid from her mum's womb.Isn't that fabulous.
那好残忍呀，他们让你在精神健康仲裁庭说了些什么？ Ooh that's Bloody.What did they make you say at the mental health judge?
没什么，当时那是我的艰难时刻，我当时没睡觉，我当时心碎的像一个鸭嘴兽 Nothing babe. Nothing at all. A long time ago it was a bad period in my life.I wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus.
你难道不知道鸭嘴兽只有在它的配偶因为和它的兄弟睡觉而伤了它的心之后才会嗑药吗 Don't you know a platypus only gets it bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping with its brother?
我最懂这个感受了！我当时哭了好几周！嗑各种药物，无法动弹 I know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for weeks. On all kinds of pills for my nerves. Couldn't move,
I was chewing like a dove. Please darling, let's move on. Dont yawant me to talk to a parrot?
let's move on what do you want me to
talk to a parrot
now I'm really curious what did they
make you say you do I never knew my
might be silent love yeah oh I made my
boyfriend say it and he's left with my
best friend I think we're bonding now no
we ain't bonding your half-wit with
malls apart
I hate ya they made me say I love you to
Bobo who was Bobo Bobo was the most
beautiful creature that was ever on the
earth air at all really beautiful who is
she hey hey hey hey hey he he was a
dolphin and I loved him and on you and
properly he people could never
and it's natural we were identical from
a genetic Oracle perspective and Bobo
was really unhappy putting on a show
every day like a circus animal they
thought they caught me doing something
but they never did aim they never did
we're only cuddling how can people take
that the wrong way babe they took me
away and they lock me up then Bobo
dynamo breagan oh he did that's awful
but oh just a second you sick bastard so
gay oh I've done more than you can
imagine
call the police someone please help me
this guy is molting animals oh it's
gross hi I'm Annie wanted to be loved
properly mind and he's gone hey it's dr.
Phillips get lost dog I got out come
find me and my friends are traveling
around in a black fan and solving crimes
and running from the kernel hey I'm
coming in stay away from moon Hat you've
been a very bad boy come on we're going
home now Pat stay away from me
I got a poisonous lizard in the boot
he'll kill you in two seconds hat please
we've been through this you're not well
Bobo is dead it's time to get back in
the medication and start piecing your
life back together while locked up in a
padded cell for a very long time or
until you die is it that time again doe
yes Pat it is come on put on the
straitjacket look it's even got your
initials on it and swallow this oh
thanks doc did I tell you I love animals
and I love me I got a message look for a
wall at the China yeah I'm really sorry
about that
Pat is a very very sick man we rarely
let the dangerously yell out into
society and when we do it's not always
fatal okay great get this crackhead out
of here sorry to be a bother
oh I know bother huh don't bang his head
those bruises show I never knew animals
were so interesting we'll be back after
this
you're on Kay chat don't go away do
favor pick up your telephone call now
186 6 9 save me
what better place to witness 40,000
years of nuclear winter than from the
comfort of your very own space ready
nuclear bunker when we raise 25 million
we will build a 50-story tall likeness
of me if we raise 300 million the Statue
will rotate so I can look over this
great city and cast an evil eye on
degenerates and when the eminent nuclear
strike occurs those who put faith into
action with sufficiently generous
contributions will join me inside the
pastor Richard salvation statue as we
passed into space contribute to the
pastor rich and salvation statute but
pick up your telephone call now
186 6 9 save me
Knights of the road here's your stallion
the car for freedom the car for hot
excitement the car for a man who is
alone against the elements Thunder the
pride is back it's the power of a
compact fuel-injected then inject me my
bots ooh thunder on the toll road of
life you have to pay to prove you can
live the emotion of an individual
awesome power of nature distilled into
one vehicle he goes after you get struck
by lightning there's thunder the my pots
ooh Thunder hello
welcome back to gay chat I'm a woman so
I know it's important to discuss
feelings that's why we don't have any
male hosts on the station people open up
more to women I was telling my
girlfriend yesterday if a woman were
president we'd Nuka country every 28
days in these times of trouble of
international scary things that cause
anxiety people seek soul ice or is that
solace oh my god
some visit lady friends others go to a
bar and a strange view talked to rocks
my next guest is the author of this book
I'm lovin the coven she sits on the
board of the vice city resin Renaissance
committee jet some mini jet jet jet
simony I just 7hs M&E welcome to the
show hello Amy I brought you a crystal
isn't it gorgeous I guess so if you're
into a shiny glass
I prefer lacy gloves Amy for many
thousands of years my people have been
using crystals and gemstones to heal the
sick take the crystal and then when the
night is enchanted and the candles have
been blown out and the wind sings
through the branches of the eucalyptus
hold up your arms and sing all dewy my
sky sailing pregnant moon the goddess
pregnant moon what are you talking about
just summon II just him and sorry
whatever do you even have a last name my
compost coven named me Jets M&E star
hawk Moonraker trust me Amy I'm quite
accustomed to people persecuting us it's
been going on for thousands of years
Native Americans they studied crystals
the ancient Chinese Belgians supermen
they all studied crystals so why do you
view it is so weird
grab your crystal hold it tight and
close your eyes you will be transported
back thirty five thousand years
when the temperature of Europe began to
drop the tundra was teeming with animal
life and small groups of hunters
followed the freerunning reindeer and
there under the magnolia tree a woman
breastfeeding a baby elk do you see it
its nature it grows you're one of those
filthy hippies that thinks breastfeeding
in public is okay well it's not there
are bottles and milk at the store don't
act like a cow you really remind me of
someone by the way see Amy you're
putting the blinders of society on we're
all the same I remind you of yourself of
every man and woman no not of them
they're trying to outlaw nature if I'm
in the park and the nice gentleman comes
along I should be able to breastfeed him
pretty soon everything natural will
become illegal it's really depressing if
I died right now would I get buried by a
female priestess in a cave surrounded by
my favorite tools and ornaments no there
was a time when children were taught
about their bodies about the goddess
Lady of the mammoths about the
importance of the spiral dance clutching
a bison horn under the crescent moon at
the bee dhanraj shop where I work we
have classes that teach the importance
of eating wild plant shellfish and
understanding ancient crop circles oh I
love Lobster have you ever tried talking
to one energy flows from everything even
a tractor my mother the moon taught me
how to trace ley lines with your bare
feet in the dirt listen you're very
weird and you smell like patchouli and
compost and I think you might have a
shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and
got some gel in your hair and put some
clothes that fit or something I mean
please did Joan of Arc shave I was given
this fascinating pamphlet called
Caucasian female body here in American
culture Amy I love you like my sister
but honey you fallen prey to a sustained
marketing assault that began in 1502 to
convince women that underarms and leg
hair was wrong there's nothing more
natural than this enormous bush I've got
growing under each arm
having hair is natural what's the deal
with anglo-saxons I mean go to England
the women there don't shave their
underarms it's really quite attractive
you just need to focus your eyes to look
for healthy signs and not the signs of
socialized barbarism like shaving or
wearing deodorant your birthing in a
hospital rather than the open air like a
wolf cub remember brother Romulus and
noble Remus wolf raised I find this
really interesting not really but I say
this because I'm told to I'll be back on
K chat after these messages from our
sponsors now a partner it's 4:30 in the
morning here at farewell ranch and it's
time to get up and work the old cows get
up you're home
a bear well ranch old people don't sit
around stagnating watching game shows
talking about the good old days sinking
into the grave and a urine soaked mess a
pair well ranch they sweat and tall
until the breaking point
keep that miserable contemplation of
mortality at bay hell steer in time will
work grandpa so hard he'll wish he was
dead at the end of the day he'll sit
down in the bluegrass
eat a bowl commemorative beans enjoys
sing-alongs at one of our nightly
funerals
it's the cowboys code work hard don't
shower and dine your boots
rat gnawing per my prostate bear well
ranch the only way to ride into the
sunset it's the knife that saved America
if you like the film exploder you'll
love this enormous commemorative
survival knife in the handle you'll find
all of the things you'll need in any
wilderness disaster situation or the
jungle of your backyard it comes
complete with fishing line needle and
thread for sewing gashes back together
and an incredibly useful and durable
toothpick
and gone without me I've got Tuffy
sucking - it's okay hochi try this for
those unplanned extended stays in the
jungle there's a saw for building your
own hut toilet paper and a fold-out
woman for company as well as a serrated
blade that can kill a man before he can
scream that'll shut you up the exploder
survival knife it's the knife that saved
America now it can save you
this knife killed 25,000 people in
Cambodia
now you can - whatever
I'd die if I didn't have sissy spreads
and blocks germs are like so gross oh hi
I'm Amy and you're on gauge at
disseminate I can't get over how
familiar you are oh right Amy I really
hope you read my book the mysteries of
the absolute can never be explained
mother nature knows more than all of us
that's what keeps people coming back for
more people are turning into zombies a
roof separation from the sunshine in the
morning a bed separate you from the
loving earth at night that's what's so
great about learning these things when
you're no longer oppressed by the
cultural pressures of making money or
showering or wiping yourself after using
a toilet you can focus on the important
things
do travel Amy well I been up north to
the theme park and last week I went to
the beach no really travel my coven has
been meeting every Thursday Saturday to
prepare for a grand coracle journey
along the same route we took when our
people came from Russia and Alaska along
the Bering Strait what a coracle oh is
that like a my bots ooh mm-hmm I prefer
American cars no coracle Cora means
Arabian gazelle which we all know was
the daughter of Zeus and call means
gather grass and sew it together a
coracle is a single person rowing boat
made of reeds and twigs from ancient
Britain there are so many wonderful
things you can learn from the ancient
Britons Amy like metallurgy and how to
cauterize the wound when a bear has
eaten your arm everyone used to have a
coracle Amy
even people who were scared of water
we're all about working to preserve the
diversity of natural life reuse
everything question who's this way my
coven like witches no yeah yes but not
which is like you think we're just a
group of people who believe in communal
sharing and chanting a lot and can't
find husbands reading magazines cloak
swans horned gods rubbing your skin raw
with rocks dying of old age of 27 crying
in Tarot when it starts to thunder and
these are all the things our ancestors
did since I found my new mind and body
things have really changed for me our
modern society only celebrates a select
few every woman and every man is a star
in the sky Amy not just the ones that
sing on TV are those people in the
movies I think I know what you need to
separate your reflection from your true
self a Zen garden oh my brother had one
of those and the federales came no no no
no no Zen silly curl it's a little
sandbox you draw pictures in it teaches
you things like that death isn't an end
it's just a stage and also a beginning
of a new journey do you have a leader in
this weirdo cult of yours not a cult ooh
coven there's a big difference yes
our leaders name is Phil that's a weird
name for a leader of a group of witches
oh how I fail what Harry let you God
what with being a man who's a witch and
everything do not disrespect Phil he
teaches us the wheel of the year Amy
it's full of solar holidays and goes
round and round and round you can learn
a lot from the Sun in the moon if you
look at the Sun for too long you can go
blind meaning it is something to be
respected and the moon has a dark side
just like we do and some people have
craters and only a sixth of gravity the
ancient Britons knew the moon could
breathe we can change the world we
arranged the world it's dying though Amy
and it needs a mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation
like a swan or a fish on a hook if you
take your nervous system seriously if
you take your organ seriously index
lower them some really neat things can
happen Phil taught us that he's been to
Mali to meet with the village elders
that's why there's the ceremony of the
knife oh great why does everyone have to
be packing sharp things the knife
ceremony is very important and spiritual
it's an ancient one-person personal
crisis you say to yourself I'm going to
have a spiritual experience or thrust
this thing into my head live actors
never rehearse and need no script ami
that was said by somebody really spaced
out and I'm going to say it again like
the wind which keeps blowing or the Sun
which shines with life will you please
leave you smell and you talk really
weird and you're just really gross not
until I tell people out there become an
internationalist learn oral traditions
learn to respect life make war on
machines marry your mother technology
will enslave us buy my book it's printed
on bar okay okay
let's take a quick call hello you're on
K chat what's your name hey it's Manuel
from front island I love the show yeah I
want to talk about technology and
sleeping us you know that play in the
future there will be robots well that's
a true story in the future there will be
robots and I'm gonna hack them all I'll
make them say funny thing you know I can
move satellites around with my computer
computers are evil the Luddites of
ancient Britain know this that's why
they destroyed the computers that
created things faster and more efficient
took their jobs oh shut up computers
aren't evils the people that program the
computers that are evil that's a pretty
big difference I'm talking to you
through a computer right now in fact I
am a computer well anything that can
think faster than me is evil anything
which doesn't dance or sing or cry or
wear a smock you create your own reality
we are like the dust in the wind we are
golden we've got to get ourselves back
to the garden ok ok I know who you
remind me of my Aunt Susan oh she was
single - I'm not single Amy I share my
life with a number of valuable partners
and we commune with each other in a
non-judgmental expressive way Oh made my
mom calls her anyway let's go to the
phones
you're on Kate chat yes thank you thank
you yeah that was
great really interesting I'm I'm from
British you see like our ancient would
wearing Queen Medusa Medusa oh no I
think actually Buddhist ear but but no
no not not really
I'm from Hampshire you see I money on
business oh one doing yes I was
wondering you got your good wit shot
correct yes a white witch hahaha yes
it's ceremonial suppose I might be a bad
boy
like if I hadn't learned my spells or
something would I get smacked with it
violence is ruled you must hit Freddie
with your broom Freddie's been very
naughty Naut learned his spells it's me
Harry like me I deserve a prank caller
prank caller sorry listeners somebody
call the IRS who let that guy in the
country
yes poor man so lost in LEDs with his
father son and mother nature I hope he
finds what he needs and I need to take a
commercial break
gasps good luck get cemani yeah I hope
you find what you're looking for and I
sincerely hope you would take a bath
we'll be back after this you're on
k-chat don't go away
hi I'm BJ Smith in my long and in luxury
year career at the top of pro football I
whoop some serious ass and got paid for
it they didn't call me death and type
hands for nothing we had such a
rewarding career maiming others as I
have you know how to stay fit through
running rust and stuff in 20s on panties
of foxy strippers farm training in a
civil suit and being the hell are your
fellow man that's what keeps me healthy
and now using training methods I've
perfected it's going to work for you
with BJ's fit for football
watch those pounds fall off I'm down to
300 pounds using back in the method I
demonstrated on tape I mean who are you
going to trust to get to fit a man who
can rip your arm off and beat you with
the wet end or some aerobics instructor
who wouldn't get drafted by the local
hopscotch team hell no BJ's fit for
football out now on beta and VHS
remember to win a game of football or
life you have to annihilate everything
path in a blind rage ever since Linda
started working our kids are home alone
we tried hiring a nanny but she wanted
health insurance yeah right that's when
we got the mess the body he's great with
the kids
mrs. Lawrence Tommy here's some skin
magazines on an event and he helps us
too
would you like your drink portions she's
a great conversation piece at our
special parties please put your car keys
in the handle phone will begin it's like
having a personalized alarm clock
overall you angry say good morning I
maintain a normal domestic domestic he's
three foot high he only says ten phrases
he's the friend you've always dreamed of
order domestic on today so welcome back
and all that stuff you're on K chat with
me Amy chicken house anon Vice City
Station for the stars including me and
boys have I got a treat for you
next up is a living legend a man who won
the World Series single-handed known to
his fans as death in tight pants and
known to his enemies is oh my god I just
got flattened by a truck how is that
fair it's sports legend BJ Smith so BJ
welcome thanks it's a real pleasure to
be here oh I know but one thing
sweetheart I never won the World Series
that's baseball I played football yes
but it's all the same isn't it football
and baseball aren't the same and one of
them you get bored during the five hour
game you touch yourself a lot and start
a massive brawl with players who are
degenerate egomaniacs and criminals the
others football yes but it's all the
same no Amy
it isn't anyone can hit a home run in
baseball you stand around the field then
violin your salary by 162 waiting for
some action talk to a guy who just
played an hour football he's been in the
trenches getting Agent Orange sports
drink poured all over his head to keep
him taking the innocent life where does
it game for men the others a game for
pansies who like wearing button-down
shirts they call baseball a national
pastime if that means making a million
dollars by standing around all day
count me out I'll work for my money yeah
BJ just like me I can tell you
yo baby it's cool I just want you know
what I did I do
geez get over yourself you must have a
testosterone imbalance like all those
jocks who shower with other men you
can't tell me you don't look at other
people's business baby
I paid professional sports for 14 years
including high school and I'm making a
comeback I'm a very competitive person I
grant you but I ain't got no
testosterone imbalance with that little
mustache you bustin out looks like you
should be talking about some hormone
problems girl excuse me what did you say
oh oh nothing damn baby you saw other
you make blank kids cry BJ you better
stop being a bully just cuz I'm not into
the jock scene I like sensitive guys you
know like actors or rock stars or that
kind of thing not some great big hulking
giant that has to tell everyone how
important he is well I didn't realize
we're trying to impress each other here
sweet thing I was think we was here to
discuss my new exercise video or talk
about my possible comeback in
professional football not sitting here
flirting with each other I'm a married
man I'm on my seventh wife so you got a
big family all those wives that's
fantastic not really
you see I really like family expects
with something show up you didn't know
existed
I tell you Father's Day I'm scared to go
to my mailbox my big heart has caused me
a lot of heartache but when you're in
the public eye you can't always tell
what people are about BJ has met some
real magnificent people seven wives
that's fantastic
new I have one wife I had six before
that so you downsized right yeah
something like that if you want to win
in life you have to change players you
can't play on the same team all the time
so oh my god isn't this getting intimate
BJ I feel like we are really connecting
yeah I'd like to connect with you other
men may fumble but I go into the
trenches like a dolmen that's extra part
of my video what are you talking about
well as you know running the ball is
like making romance and one day when I
was going for a touchdown if you know
what I'm saying I had a great idea you
see all these fitness videos on
television it's always that idiot fool
and Liotta
prancing about giving it the skinny
thing and I say what is this I mean what
in the world is this these people ain't
bitch thing got a clue when you fit you
know it if you come into the locker room
you know I Spit for football able to
wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody
fourth out straight that's what people
need if someone comes to Jackie ride are
you gonna a Buster aerobic move hell no
but when you know how to grab another
man by the facemask
and twist him around and so you tears
ligaments in his back and never play
again I mean that's some real useful
everyday stuff and I should know
I'm visiting you know I just don't want
to talk about football anymore well take
dating on washing the car what good is a
leotard when you're watching the go but
put a man in a helmet and a cup hey you
gonna watch the car in dignity that's
fighting fit for football it really
burns summer program the best way to get
your body fit is to have total just a
God for your body every now and then you
wake up and come out of the concussion
say damn I look good BJ you talk funny
we'll be back on K chat right after
these messages are you tired of your
couches getting ruined Oh grandpa
I made tinkles again if you've got old
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they'll enjoy bingo complaining mumbling
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it's our famous lucky dip medication
switching night musty pines is located
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city's state-of-the-art sanitation
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musty pies now you don't have to say
goodbye drive-through service also
available
II was just the boy next door hi well
hello there Danny I didn't know it was
hockey season Hey borrow a knife a
deadly curse a deranged killer a small
town in tears knife after dark rated R
for retarded
yo that's gross PJ stop hitting on me
hi I'm Amy and you're on gauge at so
what do you need to do for BJ's fit for
football
well answer anybody can do it what you
need is a real expensive gym a team of
trainers medical practitioners
dieticians obeying crowd and a pony who
wants you dead dead in the dirt I mean I
nasty blood sucking leech of a man who
would destroy you if you don't destroy
him first a man you like set animals on
he's the enemy and you sitting a foxhole
till there's time just right and then
you pounce baby like a kitty cat on
catnip I'll sack a man piledrive him
hard again and again because the idiot
comes my way I'll nail him every time
this video sounds like a lot of fun fun
fun you think it's fun when grown men
crying more to add me when you're so
scared of what you're going to do to a
man you step outside yourself like an
astral projection and police go Kent
State on you and people crying and
bleeding and and pouncing each other in
the face and that's just in a locker
when before the game that's your idea
fun yeah I guess yeah mine too
that's hot making a comeback I've been
retired two years and I'm telling you
selling cars or appearing in salt bring
commercials it's not fun compared to
having 50,000 low IQ moron in Green Bay
or Tampa or Liberty City or whatever
screaming how they want you dead just
because you're playing for the mumbles
that's actualizing itself wow that
sounds interesting tell me about it I am
doing I'm Finn - hey wait a minute are
you reading a book over there doing this
interview no no I can hardly read get on
with it
I'm trying to sweets you best listen the
comeback is a real deal BJ Smith
six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man
responsible for more broken bone
was it anyone since people had legs I'm
a fiddler crab you can rip my arms off
and I'll just molt and grow new ones
where right here right now let's get it
out of course I mean when I sue maybe a
real soon but and don't call their
comeback like the song say I whip your
ass and this time I'm doing it my way
ignorant fools that gave me nothing to
work with the owners I mean what owners
are you talking about the owners of the
team the game in nothing then the reason
my marriage failed
I worked my ass off all those years
sweating blood and puking my soul out
and they treat me like a tractor roll me
around treat me no better than adults
the guys who got hurt they never saw a
penny out of those monsters that's just
like Jade whose date gia Fox my friend
she's a goth she got sacked for wearing
makeup and I hate life t-shirt to work
and never saw a penny she like um
football stars
she teaches kindergarten professionally
you know I know a lot of players who
need to go back to school after they
finish playing it's a tough life and you
lose something what did you lose hope
diction something it's brutal out there
that's just like Jade those kids are
evil little brats listen are you gonna
talk about your freakin friends who
dressed like the funeral I thought we're
here to talk about BJ BJ Smith and I
feel alive I mean really alive ain't
nothing more and bigger than the holy
man's head in your hands and looking him
in the eyes and said I can kill you in
one second old man and he says I got a
wife and you say give me all the money
in your cash Lester what are you talking
about Oh BJ are those muscles real
that's funny you should ask because
answer is yes game implants are nothing
wow you're enormous no this guy's twice
my size but I'm quick Richard angry like
a Republican so oh um I see look I ain't
got anything more to say to you and I
can't fall in love with another gas or
all got sacked so let's go to the phones
who's on line one hey Amy I'm a
first-time caller
how you doing I love your show sorta BJ
man you awesome here's my question
how'd you play that game against San
Andreas with two broken legs I can't
believe I'm talking to you
man I don't know what to say this is the
greatest day in my life
well why the hell you call in don't
worry I'm a professional the method I
use in a game against essays is actually
a part of my exercise video when in
doubt go for the groin I hope that
answers your question that's the problem
with the public fans hmm I get it all
the time
know what I'm saying absolutely I get
that all the time people say aren't you
that girl off the television in that
show and I say no I'm the girl from the
radio I just look like her anyway BJ
that's all we have time for for now
thanks Amy and I'll look after that
mustache okay thank you I'll be back on
K chat after these messages from our
sponsors don't go away
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daddy Jenna Tron brings arcade realism
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jeanna Tron fighting the evil of boredom
do you have dry mouth I thought though
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me I can't talk for personal dryness
upstairs
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we're deadly serious welcome back to
cage at my next guest is the star of the
hit show just the five of us where he
appears as the rich father of a family
of misfits but more recently he's
working on a controversial theater piece
in the future there will be robots
claude Maginot welcome to the show
thanks Amy however you have
mispronounced my name it's Madge which
rhymes with badge uh as in duh and no as
in more than you maginot anyway thank
you for having me on the show it's
always a pleasure to discuss my art yes
you're so funny
now Claude you're an interesting man if
you don't mind me saying so myself
because on the one hand you're on the
funniest show in the whole wide world
just the five of us and on the other you
do those weird theater dance shows which
aren't funny yes thank you technical
school dropout
I'm sure sitting here talking all day is
terribly difficult Juilliard is not
in the future there will be robots is
not a funny piece it deals with the most
important issues in the world today love
pain suffering skin tight pants and well
stretched groin muscles but see music
has no name Amy it's about depth and
texture and since a community that
emerges from the struggle going on
within all of us between man and machine
between the angel and the Beast it's as
if petrushka and Leonard Bernstein were
in a ferocious dance competition with
switch blades that is passion my dear um
okay so it's a bit like just the five of
us what a show I love Jimmy he's so cute
even though he looks so young
I'd rather not talk about my
complications working with him I'm a
performer i express myself any way I can
while I'd never attempt to describe to
just the five of us as anything other
than worship 'less pap I need to support
my serious art it's like stealing a
boombox to do live interpretive dance if
I bring joy to people's hearts doing an
interpretation of a tree in the park who
is harmed there is a value I derive from
art as a man as a creator and that is
this never overestimate the dreadfulness
of the mass market the degrading excess
of the culture or the horrors that we
all have within it great yeah um me too
but as mr. Chesterfield you're so funny
what is it you say not in my house that
gets me every time
especially after the drunken tramp you
adopted has wet himself oh say it for me
please as they say in France Matt Lise
please not in my house please I came on
your fine show to discuss art not people
that whore themselves out on the altar
of commercial success dancing like a
puppet alongside a genetic freak
although I do that too okay moody so
what do you want to talk about oh I
don't know my performance at the
Hollywood Bowl perhaps there are some
that attend the concert inside I am the
concert outside myself in the parking
lot
where we build bonfires and dance it
comes back to the seriousness of my
purpose at a young age I held puppet
shows on the corner that had people
weeping and lying down in the streets
it's about movement about encouraging
ordinary working-class people that there
is something enervating about a modern
dance performance that seeing in the
future they will be robots will change
your life no matter what your life's
like now kind of like getting a new
haircut
yes exactly no nothing like a new
haircut you half-wit this is movement
watch my hand yes movement there's a
manatee on stage see he cannot hear from
the wall of vogner around him we have
lasers that shoot him down cut him free
free his soul from the bondage of the
past and then on stage we have snow that
falls and represents love in all its
forms the robot makes us snow angel and
we begin to cry close curtain um okay
well I love just the five of us please
please please enough
five succeeds while robots starve
attendance has been poor if I were
opening this with the orchestra
Philharmonic the kalapa in Mexico there
would be riots in the streets with small
children giving me flowers and weeping
here in Vice City they wouldn't know art
unless it came as a tube of beef jerky
they told me Claud it can't be done Vice
City is for Sun worshipers and
Philistines and I told him no I told
them if I'm directing a work of
commercial draws down there I must save
my soul with some serious art but to be
honest Amy they were right I feel ahead
of my time the best artists are ignored
I mean surely any right minded person
would rather spend an evening watching
me express the meaning of space as I
move delicately across the stage in the
dance of desire and denigration than
flopping around in a disco or a
nightclub or sucking the electric teat
of television I know I would god I mean
what is wrong with you people God my
hair what my hair is all wrong it
clashes with my dress
Zeus Cicero Shakespeare flow Barre
someone please save me from this
hellhole
my dear you are so ignorant I'm trying
to save you to save everyone you don't
see the art around you are you in search
of auld lang syne 'he's singing
madamebutterfly on a windowsill or
relegating yourself to a cricket in
Huckleberry Finn I'm a movement that
conquers love while you complain about
your dress no you not how important my
mission be right cool okay mr.
Chesterfield I mean mr. Maginot you got
a hang in there
you're on K chat and I'll be right back
at the law firm of DeLeo and Purex we
understand that sometimes life throws
you a curve ball we help our blue chip
clients get their lives back after
circumstances have conspired against
them
just listen they wasn't unfortunate
accident what happened to my wife on
that precarious cliff delay aware fjords
can't bring my wife back
but they made sure I didn't end up in
the slammer I was unfortunate enough to
be found with 15 kilos in my spare tire
I was so mad at the auto repair shop
that sold me that tire
thanks to dealing on fewer acts the
district attorney saw it that way too
I accidentally torched a kwik-e-mart
when my medication ran out dear Leo and
Furyk help me in the community by
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Purex we understand the judicial system
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six nine shady DeLeo and Purex
accidents happen and we'll prove it the
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ammunition protecting your rights
you're back on gay chat with me Amy and
my special guest let's go to the phones
mr. Maginot Bruce some porn Island here
big fan of the show mr. Maginot big fan
do I don't know about the robot thing is
it's weird quickly is he really 42 does
he shop in the kids I'll up is it get on
a roller coaster rides I mean what's the
deal you pay half price at the movie no
comment
next caller oh my god drama
I'm infant that's my line I'm supposed
to say that bogus guy is such a dick Oh
next caller Oh hold on the line I mean
hold on line Oh what number is it hold
on the line hello Claude this is Morgan
I'm just vacationing down here having
finished my doctoral thesis in two
images of young boys in post lapse Aryan
Greece and the erotic understatement of
the fugue in contemporary baroque
fascinating stuff
do you have a question and confused no
woman I just wanted to tell Clawd about
my thesis and discuss his Bleeker Death
in Venice Street period of course I have
a question you silly girl Claude I saw
robots big fan and that's praise indeed
coming from me I normally had anything
humanity as a chick since 1836 but one
thing fascinated me Claude about the
show the pants they were so tight so
fitted how do you get such a marvelous
clothes sequin figure-hugging fit and
still hmm oh and were the sequins a
reference to lasers yes yes my my I
agree thanks for calling that is an
important question you see I'm an
important person and I especially think
so it is really important for people to
see my form a move through space in very
tight pants or the effect is ruined
interpretive dance cannot be expressed
in baggy clothing it's like a violin
parade otherwise why have a love story
with a manatee and the lasers it's very
important you're kind of creepy you're
nothing like you are on the show you're
so funny they're joking with the family
I'm putting out the fire started by the
homeless guy and starting group hugs but
in real life you're just plain creepy
you won't even tell us how old Jimmy is
all you talk about is Archie stuff like
that nobody understands because it's
complicated and how tight your pants are
that's not true I also discussed love
and passion and a manatee and the lasers
you my dear could use all three you my
dear are a Philistine I'm sorry but this
is one of the most degrading debasing
horrific unedifying opportunistic things
I have ever done in my life since that
whole rakes progress lawnmower
commercial I feel dirty
like I just sat in something you did our
last gas was taken violently ill yes
well such is the plight of radio rather
than grumble like Leporello or a taxi
driver about my duties cleaning the
backseat I shall bid you adieu
yeah okay thanks Claude next we have a
very important guest who doesn't dance
like a weird jerk we'll be back right
after this you're on k-chat nights of
the road
here's your stallion the car for freedom
the car for hot excitement the car for a
man was alone against the elements
Thunder the pride is back it's the power
of a compact
fuel-injected then inject me my BOTS ooh
thunder on the toll road of life you
have to pay to prove you can live the
emotion of it
awesome power of nature distilled to one
vehicle because after you get struck by
lightning there's thunder the my pots
ooh Thunder what's this I found under
your bed
the only angles you're going to read is
Laura Ingalls Wilder if you think your
child might be a read here are some
warning signs they read complicated
literature and have concern for their
fellow man they even like to share tell
your kids if someone approaches them
with pamphlets about recycling and
invitation to a labor rally or showing
any doubts about the fairness of our
system then they should find a teacher
or a policeman immediately
do yourself a favor take both hands off
the wheel and touch the scale you do you
feel the power is friend there's a lot
of evil in the world but there is also
and I have been sent to shine a light on
all degenerates philanderers liberals
and other evil doers and expose them for
what they really are don't waste your
money on unnecessary and corrupting
material possessions give it to me
there's only one thing that will save
you a highly fortified structure in the
shape of the most powerful thing on the
planet me degenerate swill ruin this
great city in my wonderful book I tell
of the impending disaster about to
befall this planet nuclear holocaust
plagues of flying rodents the Seas
rising up and turning yellow it is
coming it is written by me but you can
save yourself contribute to the pastor
Richard salvation statue fun pick up
your telephone call now 186 6 9 save me
hi and welcome back if you're just
joining us you're listening to k-chat by
cities only commercial talk station the
place where the stars shine in
conversation with you and me I'm Amy
shaken Heusen my next guest is a rising
star in the world of north mythology
he's appeared in several best-selling
infomercials and travels the globe
speaking at corporate training camps his
books and audio cassettes are sold
around the
he is Valhalla's finest diet e and
motivational speaker store hi hello Amy
I'm happy to be here it's been a long
journey uh yeah now I don't know much
about you I mean I read Beowulf well I
didn't but I read the cover but like
you're a Viking right the tunic and
goatskin boots give you a clue maybe I
am a Viking and a Viking that will not
only help you unleash the Furies but
unleash yourself
it's in my Thor's Norse power program
okay I'm a little confused well I'm a
lot confused I was taught in school that
biking through our blood Thursday and
violent an older once told me you must
unlearn what you have learned
of course then he died of the green
plague there are some Vikings that are a
bloodthirsty lot yes but no more than
anyone else really we're a nomadic
people Amy we have cold fire in our
souls you have that fire - Emmy you've
just lost it since you've gotten
television now that being said I'll
answer your question we are mostly
nonviolent though many of the Vikings
travel to Scotland and mind you anyone
who goes there will turn bloodthirsty
you can't understand what a lot of
saying it's all a for Reckling aboot
Danai it's enough to make you want to
burn a village to the ground that's why
in my cassette series I talked about the
importance of communication you see Amy
men and women live in different worlds
we use different words
a group of men talk about what they've
killed how to start a fire who has the
best longboat women want to talk about
keeping the community long or tidy and
their feelings when I'm raiding a
village I don't need to be talking about
feelings it's time for action
great so is that all there is to being a
Viking pillaging no lass no pillaging
and battle are important but we admire
poetry as well as long as it's posed
about whacking someone in with a double
handed battle ax what's holding you back
Amy and Chapter three of my book I talk
about it listening to the bloodthirsty
water spirit it's really quite important
if you want to winter about holla I
think I went there last night oh no that
was Malibu but it's the same sort of
thing Valhalla was that Golf Club wasn't
it
so 1983 but right what does being a
Viking have to do with anything
this is the 20th century we have
electricity penicillin
Planes implants well I don't but I want
some but I heard the operation is really
gross
you live like it's 982 ad or something
mind gee tongue wench list I cut it out
deep down all of you listening to me say
for yes I would like to unleash the
Viking within maybe you'll go camping
once a year or hunting and wonder why it
feels so natural that's because it is
too much of this denying your instincts
men's shaving you know deep down in a
pit of your soul you wish you could
crouch in the grass with flies biting
your face afraid to move for fear of
alerting the beasts covering yourself
with yak urine to thwart your smell then
a beast draws close you pounce bringing
your battle axe on its skull man and
animal at that moment one in the same in
a terrible beauty then you drag the
carcass back to camp and celebrate by
eating its heart some people they only
do this once in a lifetime I do this
every day and so can you all it takes is
some positive thinking just a 10 by
unleash the Norse within weekend when
you are finished you will say I am a god
nobody can stop me I crush my enemies
and dance on their funeral pyres this is
very helpful for living in suburbia Amy
and I should know I really don't
understand how oh it's very helpful
maybe a neighbor is tossing his leaf
clippings on your lawn or looking at
your woman or harboring desires
regarding your long boat you enslave his
children set his house on fire he shall
not bother you again well it must be
nice to have you as a neighbor not I
live in no place longer than needed to
fulfill my goals taking slaves valuables
and food goal-setting is very important
Amy not just in football you're very
weird and creeping me out of it but
whatever no weirder than anything else
so what do you think of Vice City ah I
like it very much your women here are
prepared for battle they are large not
like those scrawny things to the north a
woman who eats well provides for her man
you cannot set sail for robbing and
pillaging on an empty stomach it's like
the story of the Parsons wife and the
troll I don't think I've ever heard of
that one great car Larssen you
mainlanders have no historical
perspective read the runes it's all
right there talk to a grandparent but no
he cast people out like rubbish wisdom
is not to be treated so lightly when my
father grew old i sat with him day and
night absorbing his
wisdom learning about the demons and
where the wickedness resides in men's
arts then is his time drew near I built
a large pyre burns him and his wife
while communing with Odin's spirit
careful musty Pines is a sponsor of the
show Oh grody what are you doing I'm
just adjusting myself she-devil wearing
these animal eyes does get a bit itchy
um okay you never answered my question
what do you think of Vice City your land
and people have a lot in common with
mine you see we two fled our homes due
to lack of food overpopulation and the
bitter cold and mine gee starting out to
rain passing ships is fine but we needed
a new land to have our way with granted
we roll and sail to an area land enforce
and burn down a local monastery or
village where as you come in destroy all
the creatures and so plastic versions of
them you did a fine job pillaging these
lands but you should have done something
about Canada wait a minute there buster
my mother is half Canadian Oh what are
you going to do went sweep the ice
furiously at me
ha socialized medicine nah you did it
all wrong you should have continued to
the north and finish things off I talk
about this in me motivational learning
tapes that and beware the magpie tis the
devil evil reigneth when darkness falls
are you married
you seem like a tough character to live
with I am your wife Helga what a hag
this show is not sexist whatever certain
bearded women might say women are people
too
I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that
way ah go live in a chimney you troll
you twentieth century women are all the
same and me hag Helga she fell prey to
Europe anyways she says to me Thor I
ain't havin no Mead no more I'm going to
meetings see that's your problem soon as
you sort something out you have to go
preaching from the rooftops to everyone
else how to live not pillaged or plunder
no more but live in boxes then she says
Thor I'm getting me stomach stapled I
look fat and now fitteth to yak skins
where previously it was only one I say
wench don't come crying to me when we're
in a long boat crossing the Straits for
two moons and you're all skin and bones
a man needs something to grab onto I
ain't her fault
a cursed pixie goblin got her pixie
Goblin what kind of weird ancient
nonsense are you talking about now Thor
I've got to ask you how
old are you I am as old as a fyords as
young as a newborn lamb
are you shy about your age hmm just like
about it like my mom Lori's never shy
Thor's mighty Thor is a God and where
are you from from the beginning of the
flat earth where the Sun meets the sky
oh right by the beach great let's take a
commercial break we'll be right back
with Thor he's a real Viking Yeah right
whatever
hello I am Fernando Martinez I think by
now Juno I am an emotional kinda guy
people stopped me in the street and say
Fernando what the hell is wrong with me
silk shirt hairy chest enough aftershave
to drown a household pet but I still
cannot get a woman I tell them to are an
ignorant pool without the symbol of
power and fertility around your neck
what kind of woman is going to respect
you that is why I have teamed up with
medallion man the shop for medallion
needs medallion man caters to our levels
of masculinity for the strong silent
type and medallion the size of a hubcap
will say everything that needs to be
said even singing medallions for the
Casanova who knows music is the food of
love model trains that houses diapers
whatever your interests we've got a
medallion for jewel don't forget every
woman knows if you can support a
medallion you can't support a family we
have some sad news for you rock and roll
is dead and pop is in try not discover
the excitement of the science of music
yourself at sentence on the home of
keyboards thanks to the science of music
you don't need musical talent to make
great music just listen
I created that just by pressing a button
synthesizers are the new way why work
hard on difficult compositions when a
machine can make music better than
you've ever dreamed of you'll be the hit
of a party
it's perfect for in restaurant
entertainment cover bands and controls
make few spunky and death marches
danceable
the science of music and since its
infant son remember you don't know
you're a musician until you try we're
back on ke chat with me Amy and my guest
is Thor Viking warrior and elf help guru
do your the last name oh whatever anyway
what were we talking about we were
talking about the wisdom of the Ancients
there are many hurdles in life hey me I
remember one of the first bits of fan
mail I got it came by bottle in the sea
a man of lollard island said a tiny
woman came to our farm and swept in
front of our door a woodland troll has
carried off my woman in the dead of
night give me wisdom Thor so what did
you tell him hi Amy
it was obvious the black plague could
visit his home as sure as she can't be a
midwife to a fairy expect wisdom from a
fool or find a good meal downtown on a
Saturday night okay I don't um I really
have nothing to ask you because I really
don't think we're bonding quite right
here I'm more than a little confused
let's go to the phones
you're on K chat with Thor yes hello
Thor my name is Jay I'm a huge fan man
your book really helped me get through
puberty everyone else was into vampires
and stuff I just got into the Viking
thing it's pretty cool it's been working
pretty well for me anyway my girlfriend
and I we fight all the time
she's always calling to check up on me
it really totally sucks it's a drag
like I hang out at the strip mall with
all my boys and she shows up is there
any advice you can give me ah yes there
was a man who asked for a night's
lodging at a certain farm on the eve of
Mountain day Thursday or maybe it was
Fat Tuesday anyway in the course of the
night the old woman of the house took
out a horn of salve and smeared herself
with it from head to toe she then
climbed on top of the stove sat astride
a sweeping broom and began son hello
excuse me what the hell are you talking
about reading from the rooms wench
what kind of rune is that I it's a man's
rune and not appropriate for the warrior
under 18 years old but there's a moral
at the end are you still there fair J uh
yeah I'm still here do you love this
woman yeah I think so she's really
special especially in the back seat if
you know what I mean Thor then behead
her and parade I love a round on a stick
for the world to admire Wow cool they
door okay I'd like to throw you out but
you've got an enormous sword and oh yeah
let's take another call but first miss
nurse vice sity remember don't be had
your girlfriend and take her head around
on a stick
hello you're on Kay chat with Thor hey
brother my name is TJ your book is fresh
real fresh like it's been a real
inspiration and all that it's most
definitely on me and my crews vibe and
that Loki brother he's a slick and
salivex you know what I mean trooper in
fact me and my boys are start a Thor fan
club you know what I'm rapping we're on
your vibe man I a Thor fan club this
pleases Thor very much I shall speak of
myself in the third person from now on
uh uh yeah I wasn't really into school
all that much but I hear you Thor so so
anyway we have this fan club right and
it's been a name and it's something like
the Vice Lords of Valhalla
we gave it like a modern name keeping
things firmly in the 80s you know the
Bloods
anything off the wall man we follow your
teachers to the letter sir especially
how you go around smiting fools with
that wild mad hammer of yours and
getting people to know exactly what time
it is here have you a magic hammer nah
we don't have any Odin types around here
to strap us with super fly hardware like
yours but we do have Mac tens tech 9
straight street sweepers and all that
are you still on my vibe brother hey I
like the sound of this methinks I want
to join your group
the a pillar hell yeah we do it like a
Viking you ought to come party with us
will you make you an honorary blood word
ah indiscriminate pillaging this is as
we say the school of old when I am done
with the wench we shall meet till then
beware the frost giant TJ and the
serpent with two tongues uh yeah okay
whatever yo brother
where'd you land that funky fresh silver
helmet of yours those wings on the sides
are wicked money stop calling me a wench
I have much to teach you when Jamie only
if you would listen for many centuries
people have asked questions
why is my fatted calf gone after the
gypsy woman appeared are they're trolls
living in my chimney I sure I can tell
you the story of the 12 children on a
platter
or the midsummer snow and the spirit
hatched from a cocks egg but in the end
a me you need a spirit journey a
wandering spirit demands a wandering
body take a long boat pack only what you
can carry head toward the moon at high
tide ok thanks for the advice and with
that revelation I'm going to have to
change topics that was Thor Viking
warrior coming up next we have another
guest we'll be back right after this how
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