(typewriter clicking)
Egg: Step forward, say your name, read the line on the card.
- Yo-yo! My name's Big Apple.
Put your non-existent hands up and give me the purse.
- Is that the apple that bruised you?
- No. He was shorter.
voiceover: Number two.
- I'm Apple. Put your non-existent hands up and give me the purse.
- Not him; still too big.
- Well, I think you're gonna like what you see next.
voiceover: Number three.
- Put your non-existent hands up and give me the purse.
- Well...?
- Not him; the apple that attacked me was smaller than that.
- Smaller than THAT?
(laughs)
- I can hear you, you know.
- My attacker was even smaller.
- I'm stumped! I've never seen an apple smaller than a midget apple.
- Hey! Am I in the right place or what?
Name's Microscopic Apple.
I'm here for the police line-up.
- It's-- It's him!
(♫)
- Where were you Wednesday night?
- I ain't saying nothin'!
Go suck an egg, copper!
- Whaddya have against eggs?
- They suck. That's what.
- (groans angrily)
- I gotta tell you something -- This guy's teeny, but he's tough.
He's not giving us anything.
Little Apple: I can get him to confess.
- You? Take it easy there, short stuff.
Our guy'll crack him.
- I ain't saying nothin'!
And your mom's rotten!
- (groans angrily) (egg cracks)
- Okay, maybe not.
- I know how to work this guy.
Gimme three minutes.
- Officer Egg is a pro; he's trained for this kind of thing.
He'll pull it together.
- What's the matter? 'Shell-shocked'? HA!
- AAAAGH!
- (chuckles) 'Shell-shocked'.
I gotta remember that one. Oh goodness.
- I can't believe I'm actually saying this but,
get in there, kid!
- You won't regret this.
(door slams)
- Who are you?
- I'm the guy who's been waiting his whole life for this moment.
Tell me, small-fry.
How tall are you?
- Six inches.
- [sarcastically] Sure.
- I am.
- [normally] Please. You're so short you gotta reach UP to tie your shoes.
- Hey!
- So let's try this again.
How tall are you, really?
- Okay, okay. Five inches.
- Buddy, you're embarrassing yourself.
There's no way you're five inches tall.
I mean, you're so short your best friend is an ant.
You're so short you went hang-gliding on a Dorito.
You're so short you--
- Alright, alright!
One quarter inch tall.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I couldnt hear you.
- I'm a quarter inch tall, okay?
- What're you gonna do with all that purse money you stole,
huh, Martin Short?
Buy yourself some stilts?
- (groans angrily)
- (laughs) 'Stilts'.
- He's really doing it!
He's getting under Microscopic Apple's skin.
- Well yeah. He's been stockpiling these insults for his entire life.
- Ha, you're one to talk. You're not exactly tall yourself.
- My retort to that is in the blue folder.
Could you grab it for me?
No? Can't reach it?
Well let me do it for you.
- (groans angrily)
- Been waiting a long time to use this folder, pal.
So, last chance.
Confess to stealing the purse.
- Ain't saying nothin', copper!
- I was kinda hoping you'd say that.
(clears throat)
Microscopic Apple, "You're so short you're Mini-Me's mini-me.
You're so short, you don't roll the dice, you push 'em.
You're so short, you don't have to open the front door to get into your house."
- (groans angrily)
- (laughs)
- "You're so short, when it rains, you're the last one to know.
You're so short, you sit on a dime to eat off a nickel."
- Okay, that's enough!
- "You're so short, you're the teller at a piggy bank.
You're so short, you gotta look up to look down."
- I said "Stop it!"
- "You're so short, you gotta slam-dunk your bus fare." Ha.
"You're so short, you went surfing on a popsicle.
You're so short that you--"
- Alright! I did it, okay?
I took the purse. Lock me away.
Do 'ever you gotta do.
Just get this guy away from me!
- Microscopic Apple, you're under arrest.
- Well, considering how short you are,
there's probably nothing you're not under. (chuckles)
- (groans angrily)
- Thank you so much!
(kisses Little Apple)
- (sighs in relief) I knew all those insults I've been writing in my diary would
come in handy one day.
- Whoa! This is your diary?
- Hey! Give that back!
- Here you go.
- (groans angrily) You're holding it too high.
- Am I? I don't know,
it feels like a pretty reasonable height to me.
(laughs)
- Really? Even after bringing a dangerous criminal to justice,
I can't get no respect?
- Nope. Not even a 'little'. (laughs)
Captioned by SpongeSebastian
(laughs) Knife!
(slices)