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good morning mr. Feeny
good morning mr. Matthews a candy bar
doesn't your mother feed you a proper
breakfast oh yes she does and I gotta
get the taste of the shredded wheat out
of my mouth you know you're not doing
your body any favors loading up on junk
like that
oh thanks mr. Feeny and please enjoy
that high vitamin astronaut drink you're
sucking down there's no gravity in space
mr. Matthews therefore astronauts suck
up learn from them he's a teacher man
keep bragging he's gonna make her whole
sixth grade year measurable I'm gonna be
miserable anyhow Lisa's plan take him in
with me hey who's that
I think she's now she must be there
she's talking to Feeny okay Natalie
could you stay up last night monologue
monologue first guest monologue first
guest bad sketch monologue first guest
bad sketch funny zoo in my first guest
bad sketch funny zoo animal he warrants
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member
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she's dead mr. Bonta hey pick up a knife
and kill yourself mr. Feeny
you and I both know she's not really
good me Ackley stab her a few times just
to make sure hey you touch me with that
knife
you better kill me the first time
alright alright hmm what's the score
add another third two outs taxes on
second trucks on first three and Tuesday
Dalton
what's this mr. Matthews huh would you
say mr. Feeny you took my hearing he
smiles delivers Dalton swings oh he got
a piece of that one it's a long drive
deep to Center
Otis Nixon back back to the warning
track climbs up the wall and mr.
Matthews Romeo and Juliet is
Shakespeare's ultimate testament of love
between a man and a woman
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miss Kincaid thank you thank you Oh
for that vigorous interpretation mr.
Matthews you do not listen to the
ballgame in the middle of my class mr.
Feeny who cares about some guy who
killed himself over some dumb girl the
tragedy here mr. Matthews is not about a
dumb girl or the boy who kills himself
because of her it's about the
all-consuming power of love and the
inevitability of its influence on each
of our lives are you aware that I'm only
11 years old
are you aware that you had detention
Friday afternoon
no actually I did not know that
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you will okay great yeah me too
all righty okay bye I'm going out with
Heather Ralston you know what that means
it means every guy in the 10th grade
wants to be me did you say we Friday
night they're in the playoffs
oh look Cory we got to talk about
something Kenny's thinking we're going
to the most important game in the year
Cory my date with Heather's Friday now
look I got a slight case of attention
from Feeny but I'll just meet at the bus
what so I might use a bell you're not
going to the game that's terrible
actually Cory it uh gets worse she's
going to the game with us you're really
close she and I are going to the game
Cory it's my first date with her it's
really important to me but here it gonna
Phillies games like our special thing
Cory
trying to get a special thing going with
Heather
now look you could be happy for me
except this like amateur guy or you can
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overreact
just the kid I want to see mom we have a
major problem you have detention with
mr. Feeny how could you possibly know
that
stuck his head over the fence and told
me while I was bringing in the groceries
I want to move why did you get detention
you know you're missing the bigger issue
dad you bought a house next to my
teacher I want to move I want to move
now get the guy with the gold jacket
I'll be in the car why did he get
detention apparently he'd rather listen
to the baseball game on the radio then
try to understand the emotional content
of Romeo and Juliet
mom I'm a kid I don't understand the
emotional content of full house besides
I don't know why you're dumping on me I
got the one who sold out my only brother
for some girl yeah
oh come on Cory don't you think you're
making a big deal about this game I
don't care about the game
I don't care about the tickets I
wouldn't take them if you offer them to
me all right look I'll just take Heather
somewhere else here you want the ticket
yeah get real
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you paid for those tickets with his own
money can take whoever you like but I
earned those tickets I slept with him
for 11 years
look pal when you're older you'll
understand how your brother feels
because girls would be important to you
too
fine my brother betrays me my parents
take his side fine I don't have a friend
in this house do you want me and daddy
good baseball team with you hey go to
the game with my sister and their doll
great maybe during the seventh-inning
stretch I can run through the stadium
and my old Spiderman underwear well you
don't know me
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mine's got fuzz mine's got whips hey
bagman rough life being an only child
huh yeah
rougher life being an orphan which is
what I am as of last night laughing I
don't my family my family don't mean it
was mutual oh we're here for you Cory
Thanks
you're my new brothers hey I thought we
go to game Friday night I thought the
game was sold out it is so we go down
early there's always guys with extra
tickets
don't you have detention Friday ah don't
worry about detention I can handle Feeny
Feeny loves me Nene hates you well it's
one of the two mr. Feeny may I sit down
I'd rather you didn't hates me
mr. Matthews I spend 35 to 40 hours a
week dealing with the perceived problems
of whiny little people like yourself now
this is my lunch period my respite from
the fray I spent four hours with you
every morning and three hours with you
every afternoon now for God's sake get
out of my face
Evelyn George I saved the place for you
Oh aren't you sweet and who is this
young man um my name is Cory Matthews
mr. Feeny's my teacher he ate now Cory
I'm sure that mr. Feeny doesn't hate you
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oh good caught you home housewarming
gift
chocolate pie with sided barbecue
chicken and corn on the cob now I would
have bought you a plant but okay you're
in a tree are you all right
course I'm all right I've been it's just
a million times
never after I gotta put a moat around
this place
I wouldn't want your doll to keep me
company
Stan Morgan I'm 11 years old I don't get
scared
and even if I did get scared now to
defend myself
my weapon of choice would not be a chip
with a plastic head I don't have gets a
snippy
Hey America's Funniest home teacher
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okay mister drop my son's underwear mom
it's me how do I know it's you who else
would want my underwear the point now
don't get your hopes up I'm not moving
back in right oh hey I'm just here
straightening up the room for the boy we
rented it out to well I hope he's got
better luck with brothers and I did you
still feeling a little abandoned core
yeah well life goes on yeah that's what
your dad said when it happened to him
why who abandoned dad you didn't I never
did anything like you stood down when
you were little you couldn't wait for
your dad to get home from work so you
could throw the football around with him
I'll tell you something he looked
forward to it as much as you did so how
come we don't do that so much anymore
well you got a little older you had a
bunch of friends you're more interested
in throwing the football around with
them wait a minute it sounds like you're
saying I'm the bad guy honey there's no
bad guy all I'm saying is it is natural
that people grow up and priorities
change okay mom hmm you're always very
cordial to me when I lived here Thank
You Corey and I give you my word that
the new boy will never replace you in
their hearts
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you're not gonna talk to me at all are
you mr. Feeny because I've been sitting
in the seat for 38 minutes and I've been
very good and I think you should let me
go in the Lenni oh boy cannot sit still
this long I'm going to get up come up
I'm dancing my hand is on the knob hey
Dory's open
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mr. Feeny this stinks it's supposed to
stink mr. Matthews its detention you're
being detained from whatever it is you'd
rather be doing well I think it's a
cruel and unusual life-sucking torture
you've captured the essence because I
don't want to hear about this love stuff
because I know it only needs to know
good and they know in your heart you
agree with me then what brings you to
that conclusion mr. Matthews
cuz you and I had dinner together last
night really I wasn't aware I had
chocolate pain you had salad for two all
by yourself how did you know that cuz I
slept in my tree house ah sorry you know
why cuz it's love stoppers for my whole
family against me and you're teaching
this Alex worth killing yourself for
when I know you don't really believe
that do you
well you shrewd little observer of the
human condition how blissful it must be
for you to have lived so little and yet
already reached your conclusions about
the greatest wonder of the universe you
know what mr. Feeny keeps the radial
Shakespeare wrote plays and sonnets the
Greeks wrote tragedies and comedies
Robert Burns Emily Dickinson the
Browning's examined the depths of human
emotions and do you know what each one
of these poets playwrights and
philosophers had in common mr. Matthews
hey I'll take your class
every one of them was older than 11 come
into my classroom at the beginning of
the year and at the end you go and I
really don't know if in the time we
spent together I have taught you
anything well this afternoon mr.
Matthews you are going to learn
something from me do I have your
attention yes sir
I live on the other side of the fence
from you Cory and it's impossible not to
face in your direction every once in a
while and notice the people in the next
yard and through the years I've got to
know them it is apparent that they are
fine individuals but their real strength
comes from being a family and do you
know why they're a family Corey the
cause at one time a man and a woman
realized that they loved each other and
pursued the unlimited potential of what
may come from that love and here you are
there is no greater aspiration than to
have love in our lives mr. Matthews
Romeo know it and died for it others
know it and prepare salads and those who
don't know it will sit in detention for
the rest of their lives
this particular detention is over
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no Morgan I don't want anybody to know
I'm here okay okay you're moving back
there yeah don't tell anybody okay hi
honey
here's on the table and the kids have
been animals I know that your mom will
lose out on all that rental income but I
will Meldrum a key well that comes with
quite an economic blow but we'll try to
get by dad I'm sorry I dumped you from
my friends when did you do that you know
all the time well Cory I'm glad that you
have friends and I'm glad you're back
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it's a puppy looking thing in the corner
there's one one up the neuter
three fillies are in the playoffs yeah I
heard what do you mean you heard you
were there
Louie wasn't paying that much attention
the game Cory why not it was a great
game it's not however a great date good
a bad date no I had a great date Heather
was beautiful she was a say she knew to
do unfortunately
her date spilled food tripped over
chairs and had nothing interesting to
say for nine innings Eric you're much
too cool for some girls newsflash
I'm not cool you don't know what you're
talking about okay you're not cool and
night no better than the good old game
without your brother you're right I am
yeah
it's my first and last date with Heather
I never want to see her again
good you don't mean this yes I do
here what's this collar whoo-hoo Heather
my nemesis why cuz you're sitting there
drooling and pathetic and I know
somewhere inside my cool brother and I'm
not gonna get him back unless you call
look I'm not calling i sat there all
night and didn't say anything what could
I say now take your do
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yes hostess did not say anything a
movies perfect for your current skill
level why do you want me to call her I'm
told love is worth it
aren't you gonna invite me back to you
with you Morgan I want you to know
something
no matter how old I get I'm always gonna
be your big brother and even if I
ever which I won't get interested in
girls milk and it seems like you don't
care about you anymore can't yet I still
always want you to invite me have tea
with you Morgan honey put your tea set
away and brush your teeth it's time to
go to bed
do I have to you're asking me how about
if we just stay up and finish our tea
you volunteered to put your sister to
bed
yeah I guess I am why cuz I don't
understand anything about my entire life
yeah thanks
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she's in a row
she just doesn't learn Evelyn I hope I'm
not being forward but instead of
cafeteria lunch maybe one evening we
could have dinner together of course
George I'd love it
good I'm quite the cook you know really
oh yes just the other night I prepared a
lovely salad nicoise for my sister but
she had to cancel the last moment
confused mr. Matthews yes I answer as it
should be
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