opinions are free which is why we're
here
it's news and talk that our sponsors
agree on wctr
next up on wctr the news we try to make
it interesting and not depressing
[Music]
this is leanne forget wctr news
foreigners are coming who are they and
why should we care
the fda warns shampoo is killing your
unborn child
plus protests continue outside the zebra
bar candy company
now for traffic and transit with richard
burns that's right leanne i'm richard
burns
the aftermath of the devastating
earthquake continues travel is still
severely restricted statewide
officials say there are still no
reported casualties which is truly
unfortunate as it makes for
incredibly boring news the federal
government is still refusing aid to help
rebuild bridges
and everyone is blaming each other the
governor is threatening to bomb
australia
despite scientific proof it wasn't their
fault richard burns wctr
police say gang trouble is on the rise
again especially in los santos
sources believe it is linked to the
rising drugs trade while others blame
the fascist pigs
also in gang news customs officials
report a huge influx of russian mobsters
and cheap weapons since the fall of the
wall the governor's office said
everything is
okay in vinewood news rapper mad dog was
celebrating the launch of his new
clothing line
richard caught up with him the thing
about mad dog
is i'm thinking about becoming a
superstar i mean you know
i've done everything i could do in a rap
game i want [ __ ] hands down
nobody can handle me you know lifetime
champ no
[ __ ] can i say [ __ ] oh hey man it's cool
that's cool okay no [ __ ]
i got clothes i got labels coming out
you know what i'm saying
i'm doing drinks i got shoes
tires rims thinking you know next stage
is being a full-on superstar you know
i get to wear a tight suit and nail a
lot of tail you dig you know what i do
in real life
gotta get me a drink though right now
cuz i'm thirsty you know
what a troubled man sounds like he
should lay off the sauce
also today a tourette's theater group
banned from the park unless they take up
mine
and finally in foreign news a suspected
u.s agent was caught in panama selling
weaponry to right-wing gorillas
causing a major incident but we plan
mostly to gloss over the implications
and hope you enjoy some sporting
activity tonight
the state department is advising against
foreign travel this was leanne forget
wctr news
let's be careful out there
hello hi is mark there yeah it's me
shannon we met at jack's party yeah how
can i forget
wow how you doing i haven't heard from
you in uh
nine months
[Music]
hello some moments change your life san
andreas telephone for those difficult
conversations
ah i can't get this flower out what's
wrong now
i need something to get the flower out
for these little tiny miniature pancakes
how about this wow a tiny spoon how cute
where did you get that at blottos of
course blottos
we've got all kinds of helpful
accessories for the kitchen cooking
something up on the road
come check out our portable kits that
bakers love blottos
we make daily habits fun have you heard
the number one gardening show in san
andreas
if not here's what you're missing well
why don't you just go
buy your vegetables at the grocery store
then you stick offense
god i just don't understand people you
go to hell well screw
you too mom see if you're ever on the
show again
next caller hello yeah what's that plan
that blooms every 12 years is eight foot
high and smells like hell i want to
plant one on my ex-wife's lawn
it's called amorphophallus titanium
god i love to say that a more fulfilled
titanium than the sound of it gives me a
redwood in my khakis
if i come back as a superhero i want to
be called that
it's amorphous titanium the rare
botanical wonder
see his eight-foot protrusion as he
pollinates on everyone but why does it
think so bad
it's about marking your territory my man
you don't mark your territory do you you
should try it
pee on the front door of your office
just see if anybody thinks of coming
near you
okay i'll i'll try that thank you so
much for the advice maurice oh
i'm here to help sailor gardening with
maurice
only on wctr coming up next
the most mind-numbing thing since the
lobotomy entertaining america
this week on entertaining america
richard goblin one man's triumphant
return to [ __ ]
the sherman octuplets a venturist man
says he slept with them all
plus noise speed danger cursing and
patriotism
finally come together this weekend at
the all-america drunk driving cup
hi from vinewood you're on entertaining
america with me
billy dexter bringing you everything
that is important in culture and
entertainment
if there is a difference between the two
from the heart of entertainment in
america
vinewood san andreas you with me the dex
wanted to call the show stack the decks
but not yet keflam
anyway great big show for you this week
controversy they'll be giving me a
pulitzer
anyway today we've got some great guests
first up we speak to troubled action
hero jack howitzer then we have a live
phone week up with a very special guest
modern day lazarus a man back from the
grave now making it as an
extra in major motion pictures then i
will explain the secrets of the universe
to
everyone but first up stack the decks in
which i billy dexter
meet the entertainers in the news kiflam
jack howitzer once the biggest star in
america but the last three years have
been
unkind people describe him as a dinosaur
an action hero relic from the 80s a
muscle-bound neanderthal
and my favorite the most stupid gorilla
in the jungle
jack welcome to the show kipling good to
be here dick's pleasure
so your movies exploder and annihilator
got america through some tough times
and i was also a huge fan of of zero
seconds to death
thank you thank you but many say your
new film has gone too far no this is a
romantic comedy with drama it's got
action it's got a heart that's what's
most important i think
okay well let's take a listen to the
trailer alright let's roll that
he was a man at war with himself
fighting a war that someone else
lost it's over tim the war is over
it's never over do you see him wipe out
millions of cambodians in exploder
now jack howitzer is tim in his most
challenging role yet
we're here tim a preschool for slow
children
you're the new teacher kim special needs
cop it's the story of a psychotic
ex-marine
showing tough love to special ed kids
one of you tarts has been running
peruvian flake through the special ed
school
and i'm going to find it no juice and
cookies
but soon he becomes one of them what is
this
that's teacher's gun you want to see it
oh you've gone and shot way to go
he was finally beginning to live a
normal life then
all hell breaks loose tim you're so
stupid
you count with your fingers you wanna
party with me
this film cannot be raided wow that's
terrible
no wonder our studios are surrounded by
protests how could anybody find that
offense no no
jack it's appalling your insensitive
portrayal of disabled people makes me
physically sick and the idea of you
calling someone slow-witted is
frankly hold on hold on drugs are a
problem throughout all of society and i
fight them by any means necessary but
you use drugs no no i'd rather die than
use drugs
i use steroids and some recreational
blow but i got the
funds for it you know i got the money
yeah don't you think you're just a
little out of touch whoa whoa whoa whoa
yeah
i'm rich and i work in vinewood okay i'm
not out of touch
action weightlifting and killing
foreigners that never goes out of style
dex
my last film okay loincloth about a
wrestler who's dropped into thailand and
i saved the world by tea bagging the bad
guys that's a spiritual picture
that's love teabagging that stuff ain't
out of style things are more sensitive
now i was affected all right when ho chi
got heard an exploder i mean i i thought
it was time to do something a film that
made a difference
but ho chi was a character exploder was
a movie
right right and i was there and i should
have killed them all don't push me dex
i'll give you a war you won't believe
that look in your eye right here right
now
okay oh jack-jack all i'm saying is
you launching missiles from a special
wheelchair and killing innocent
civilians
is somewhat insensitive there's never
any innocent civilians in life
if the reds roll down the street right
now what are you gonna do the reds lost
man
it's it's over you can come home i'll
shoot those basses with this
the family killer jack jack put that
away
please what this it's a submachine gun
come on it's not serious
oh but you're billy dexter who put you
up to this gorbachev
no no you should come down i heard what
you said about me you think steroids
shrank my genitals no
no no no put the gun down please i'm i'm
sure you have huge ones that's right
please stop come on they haven't shrunk
touch them
feel them no come on stupid do something
touch them touch them or die
they're still big oh god they're
don't grab him like that oh boy i was
kidding what are you a boyfriend of mine
or something hey hey hey
you had me scared there for a minute i i
i crapped myself
take it easy it's not even loaded oh
oh dex oh [ __ ]
oh well i guess it was oh okay billy
don't get around get up boy
get up come on damn it his brain is
leaking
help oh there's only one thing to do
i gotta defend freedom no time to cry
only time to die
welcome to the land of freedom [ __ ]
that was entertaining america showing
you why america is so respected
culturally across the world
why do trees talk why are there
dinosaurs why do people die meaningless
deaths
is there other life in the universe why
do i have to be monogamous
do you want answers have you searched
literature and philosophy for meaning
for years man has combed the pages of
history
searching for enlightenment finally the
answers are
here we at the epsilon program
know religion is a deeply personal
experience
join us and you will be brought
to light keflam i'm the honorable chris
for marge
all you have to do is read and
understand the epsilon tract
and the secrets of the universe will be
open to you
the epsilon program this time god
it's personal
sometimes the law is not enough did you
follow the subpoena the mcpherson case
no it wasn't urgent i filed an ao440
ao440
i know i know so i went shopping for
these loafers has anyone got a stapler
i've got a lot of forms and there's a
slight breeze in here because
paperwork is dramatic catch it thursdays
on weasel
before it catches you if only the world
was less like this
i could use a smoke hey put that out and
more like this
i could use a smoke you murderer i might
have children one day
smoking kills unless you kill first if
you're around a smoker
you will die smokers may look relaxed
and like they're having fun
don't believe it vote yes on proposition
421
let's outlaw smoking everywhere even in
people's homes and allow honest citizens
to legally kill anyone who smokes
let's live in a world without smokers
prohibition works
let's prove it let's move up the food
chain it's time to smoke the smokers
vote yes on proposition 421
[Music]
all the news the government wants you to
hear
wctr prepare to be scared the news is
next
this is leanne forget wctr news pop
sensation crow threatens to stop singing
america celebrates and movies are they
true
plus children was freud wright do they
want us all dead
now a wctr exclusive with richard burns
that's right leanne i'm richard burns
crime in los santos has skyrocketed with
officials saying carjacking murder
robbery and gang activity
is all on the rise police described it
as and i'm quoting here
nothing to worry about i met up with a
real-life carjacker earlier who showed
me the ropes
i call it the three g's you just grab
get in and go
yeah you be quiet [ __ ] this a news
story oh
cool this is great this is quality
journalism
uh back to you leanne hey let's get
blunted and grab some clucking bell i
have got
mad munchies sounds good to me fire it
up dude you got any papers
youth counselors in los santos are
heading to the streets and meeting
one-on-one with members of the community
one citizen told wctr the real problem
with drugs
they always say there's too many drugs
in the hood homie that's
[ __ ] plain [ __ ] i mean way i see
it is
it ain't enough drugs in the hood ain't
nothing like enough
and that's the real problem for people
police still have
no leads in the tragic murder of officer
ralph pendlebury whose body was found
recently
pendlebury worked for internal affairs
it was believed he was close to
uncovering a huge corruption ring within
the lspd
a police spokesman denied the story a
san fierro man is suing the renaissance
fair for selling him replica weaponry
which he blames for a string of murders
richard caught up with him
i purchased a working catapult at the
renaissance fair and after a fight with
my insurance salesman over my dwi
i began lobbing balls of fire at his
house and burnt down
an entire neighborhood it's inexcusable
the manufacturers will pay
give me some money come on give me some
money it's their fault
what kind of a person sells a catapult
without putting a very clear warning
on the side i don't want to work very
hard so i've hired a lawyer
i'm gonna be rich seems fair enough to
me
i'm leanne forget that was the news be
safe out there
[Music]
lager the beer that brought the forest
down
i drive an exotic imported sports car i
eat exotic foreign food like
frankfurters and pizza but when it comes
to numbing my mind i'm a patriot
i drink the beer that brought the forest
down i'm a lager man
and with the new 80 bottle trunk pack
you've got enough for the evening
last night i crapped in my bed and
pissed in the closet
hey it's happy hour somewhere lager
brings out the
patriot in you
[Music]
my family he's got a gun someone's
breaking into your home
what do you do call 9-1-1 it takes the
police an average of 35 minutes to
respond to a 9-1-1
call in that time a burglar could have
his way with your wife
smoke a cigarette flip her over and go
in for seconds don't let the worst
happen to you
it is vital that you protect yourself do
it the patriotic way
that's right ammunition has all the
equipment you need to protect your
family from the evils of a liberal
society
fixed mounted and shoulder-held
submachine guns mortars
surface to wear in all manner of
heat-seeking missiles and just
in to celebrate the gulf war pink and
blue tracer bullets so you can protect
your family in the dark
start the week off right on make my day
mondays quit two for one on main strafe
and kill landmines
got gulf war syndrome get ten bucks off
all machine gun rentals hey
if you love your family prove it with a
gun
ammunition protecting your rights
up next it's area 53 and marvin trill
broadcasting live from his trailer in
the desert
a new planet found in space is it really
a planet or a decoy put up to confuse us
ghosts time travel and the flushing
toilet which way
did newton's toilet spiral and finally
are women
made from sand we explore deeper and
get to the truth i'm marvin trill this
is area 53
hello you're on the line yeah hi i'm a
truck driver and listen to your show all
the time
i see a lot of unexplained phenomena out
there especially in
restrooms i agree with you about the
moon we never landed on the moon
it's such a good fake remember the
russians our arch enemies still i might
add
them and the australians and some
species of dog
they beat us into space the only thing
the russians are shooting out of space
are hot dogs and monkeys kind of a
noah's ark fast food kind of vibe
hey my dead aunt could make a better
space station than them
intriguing i'd like to meet her on the
conspiracy line caller you're an area 53
do not use fluoride it's evil
it made me kill my doctor why would we
worry about a chemical that the
government puts into the water
animals can now be trained to fly
including several species of bird
think about the military applications
hello caller hi my name's emmanuel
i'm really worried about hackers sending
a nuclear bomb after me you know through
the phones do you think they can
pinpoint my location
look it's good for the economy to live
in constant
fear i mean the phone company they have
your name on the bill they
know your number how do you feel about
that
i knew it hello julie from liberty city
you're on the line
a cowboy ghost has been haunting my
house i want you
to take off your blouse stand at the
window stand there for hours
each night lure him in trapping rogue
spirits is dangerous work
especially topless take lots of
photographs all right who's got a theory
for me next
hey man love the show but when are you
guys gonna start seeing the bigger
picture
we're being lied to man and guys like
you don't help much you know you're
virtually one of them
soon you know what i'm talking about if
people could please just attempt to make
sense that's
all i'm asking last night as i was
laying in my pod meditating
and it occurred to me why are you even
listening to me
turn off all electrical devices
including your radio
hector and sam garcia why are you still
listening because i was hoping you could
explain these noises what
noises god not you too now think about
the things we talked about today think
seriously think can it be real can it be
false we'll see you next time in area 53
be careful out there wherever you
are that was area 53
we're sorry oh excuse me this is a
supermarket you two need to get a room
no we don't renegade
oh god you smell incredible maybe i'll
join in
renegade cologne for the man who wants
to reek of masculinity
nobody tells a renegade what to do
that tree is not a bathroom oh really
oh not my shoes renegade
the renegade man goes where he wants for
the smell of an individual
it's renegade
or instead of renegade try sweat the
cologne for the animal inside
it's real sweat because nothing attracts
women like a sweaty man
i love my kids more than anything which
is why mom keeps me clinically obese so
i won't run away
that's where cake comes in my sister's
son got to 18 and just
ran away she was brokenhearted now me
and little joshua celebrate
every day with cake he's my number one
and he knows it
now he's not running anywhere why not
celebrate with cake
every day
san andreas just can't get enough of the
glory hole theme park
it's the place for magic and adventure
we all like speaking rodents to
entertain and educate our kids
and now with jerry durable the kids have
someone they can really relate to
kids come and play i've got puppies to
show you
yay go on kids have fun
i know it's safe jerry's wearing a latex
bodysuit
see you later mom we're off to have fun
with strangers
[Music]
ride the log flume live the adventure of
the flaming screen machine
glory hole theme park
open every day till 3 am come live the
mystery
it's a favorite show with serial killers
and stalkers lonely hearts is next
all through the sultry anonymity of
night and some of the day
you're on lonely hearts on wctr west
coast talk radio
or as i like to call it we can't talk
right i love you all
i'm your host christy mcintyre let's go
to the phones
hi christy my wives and i love your show
it's really helped
oh thanks do you want to tell us about
it
uh no okay
jenny on the line from santa maria hi
jenny
how's your heart broken like my arm and
two of my ribs
what happened i married my childhood
sweetheart but it all went wrong
he's become a drunk and he has a
substance problem too and now he beats
me every day
stay with him honey after all you're
only lonely when you're alone why do you
keep threatening to kill me
jenny do you know the meaning of the
phrase homewrecker no
what about selfish [ __ ] i want to bring
people together not break them apart
who's on the phones it's a big lonely
state out there
careful on mary i'm watching you right
now in the shower notice how many lonely
hearts are
lunatics you wonder why or perhaps not
brian from las venturas hey dude my name
is brian i'm calling for lots of
insurance i want to talk about my heart
why do men just repeat back what you say
and never
listen are you brain dead brian oh
actually it's ironic that you say that
because my wife's been brain dead for
years now oh
so sorry i seemed all insensitive for a
second there possibly ruining my career
would it help if i slept with you
probably not dude though she wouldn't
even notice i mean
i get away with it all the time now even
after i did it with her sister
actually our relationship is better than
ever the passion is amazing
it's like i'm a new person each time if
she was back to the way she was before
the accident wow i put her in a coma
myself
it's fantastic that's very informative
you know
last night i wondered what it would be
like to be brain dead then i watched my
five uncles
god i'd love to live in that house
remember a heart can mean but a divorce
lasts forever unless he makes you a
widow hello
hello lonely hearts uh i was just
calling up there cause i was listening
and i figured out you know that
i can help out some of y'all clients you
know this is none other than
jesse the proprietor of the pleasure
domes club
if anybody is out there lonely first of
all with all the people on this planet
walking around there's no reason for
anybody to be lonely
yes then that's why i'm in the business
of keeping people
with company you know what i'm saying
people who got low self-esteem
and they need to pick me up they need to
come down to the pleasure dome
hang out with me jizzy and my girls you
know what i'm saying
they gonna keep your company have you
feeling good and this goes for everybody
i don't care
who you are how old you are so come on
down and hang out with me
if you're lonely and i'm gonna tell you
something you won't be lonely from the
moment you walk in the door cause
somebody's gonna grab your hand
and it's gonna be all about to get there
from there good grief that's not the way
lowly hearts works at all
is anyone here suffering i want pain
misery desolation all the important
things
hi this is tamara i'm a stalker ah
that's really beautiful
tell everyone about it my man well i
call him that even though he's broken
off all contact and is married to
someone else i killed the gazelle
and sent his heart to him in an envelope
he liked it so much he told the police
and
even the newspapers then i burned down
his place of business
and now i have a special surprise for
him ah you have a great week
isn't that really beautiful that's all
we have time for
if your heart is lonely listen to other
losers and you won't be lonely anymore
you'll want to spend the rest of your
life in isolation away from people which
is progress after all
until next time i hope you enjoyed
lonely hearts it's always fun to laugh
at other people's misery isn't it
there's nothing bigger you're as big as
a mountain now dress like one
gain the confidence and freedom to
really eat again when you were little
your mom got you clothes you could grow
into the same
applies here
because she loves love handles if eating
for you means
nine trips to the buffet if exercise
means picking up the remote
if making love means eating three hot
dogs if you've got bigger breasts than
your wife
then don't walk and especially don't run
but drive
very slowly down to kilimanjaro
we've got the clothes for you from
robber suits for wearing round the house
to outsized hawaiian shirts and
elasticized trousers for the office
there's
nothing better there's nothing bigger
kilimanjaro
the clothes shop for enormous men
celebrating no
diet day fat liberation is here
[Music]
man i see this cat all the time man his
hair be fly
so i had to grab him i said look at
homie how you get your hair all greasy
and flying [ __ ] like that
he told me about illustrious i said well
look here man can i borrow some
you see how mine turned all red and fell
out in the back he gonna look me dead in
my eye
it was like look here brother you got to
get your own
[Music]
illustrious gives you the juice
[Music]
enjoy coming soon to the los santos
convention center it's
mike andrews understand that it's okay
to be
poor there need to be poor people we
rich are the yin
you are the yang we need you he's
changed millions of lives with his book
rags our riches now here mike andrews
live mr andrews
i've had a run of bad luck and i was
wondering if the state could help me get
back on my feet
this is the negative kind of
self-obsessed and greedy talk that
doesn't help anyone
my program will teach you a new outlook
online instead of complaining about
being poor
enjoy it watch tv don't vote
who cares but i'm homeless you've got it
all wrong
society doesn't owe you anything the
government has better things to worry
about
like killing innocent people you already
have everything you need so enjoy your
life
see mike andrews live for only two
hundred dollars payable and ten
installments
reserve your seat today at home at work
or in rehab listen to wctr
next up we've got the news this time
some of it's true
who are we kidding
[Music]
i'm leanne forget wctr news here's
everything that matters
in simple terms so you can understand a
dire warning from america's gun
manufacturers
and the louisiana purchase beans for
women
plus wallpaper something big is
happening in home furnishings
don't be left behind our top story alan
crawford
manager of the rapper mad dog murdered
mad dog recently launched a clothing
label and compared himself favorably to
jesus and gandhi while sniffing a lot
the brutal murder remains unsolved
police suspect
foul play richard burns is at the scene
uh
no actually leanne that story wasn't
very interesting
so i rode with san fierro police
detective turk martin
who was assigned to curtail illegal
street racing activities in the
countryside surrounding los santos and
san fierro
you know what's really cool you get to
chase these slime balls really fast
and if you hit someone a wreck it's
never your fault this is so cool
you get to eat while you work let me see
that hey
stop now [ __ ] oh shoot at your tires
put that down ah dude don't be a dick
let me shoot out his tire
i'm doing like 110 miles an hour right
now
okay in foreign news a heavily
discredited former dictator in latin
america is claiming a u.s government
agency sold him weapons in exchange for
drugs
that are now being sold on the streets
of our cities government officials
strongly deny the claim
why would we do something so crazy we
don't need drugs we have good hookups
already
besides which do you know how much
cocaine is needed to buy a helicopter
it's more than i can snort leanne forget
wcvr news
stay worried out there
he was a man of peace living on a quiet
farm in north dakota
till one day all hell broke loose
him we need you i'm a man of peace i'm
done killing i want to raise a family
that's just
it tim they've got your family no
jack howiezer is tim in exploder
from the heart of america to the jungles
of cambodia
follow one man's quest for peace
poochie bat is that you tim i know you
come
just like old days we kill everybody
tim they've got your wife but i'm not
married you are now to america
he went in to save his country but found
his family
and lost a friend ochi tim
don't leave me you taught me baseball
tim and how to rap
no he would have been a fine american
i'll cry when i'm done killing
[Music]
get yourself a body bag strap yourself
in
start making friends the american way
exploder evacuator part 2
rated pg may include patriotic garbage
cock-a-doodle-doo it's time for chicken
cock-a-doodle-doo it's time for a feast
eat a 90-piece bucket
[Music]
we shrink their heads and
[Music]
factory farming's insane we denied it
[Music]
if you enjoy it the chicken didn't die
in vain
up next on wctr it's the man coaches
hate
it's derek thackery in the tight end
zone brought to you by aeris pump up
shoes
because women love a winner and winners
wear shoes
should we uh start with the national
anthem
uh yeah screw it yeah i got too drunk
last night just uh
play the opening music
[Music]
welcome back to the tight end zone
now it's time for something really
important fat men talking about
games they don't really understand
played by people
they don't know i'm your host derek
thackery what a crazier it's been
let's recap drug scandals involving
preschool soccer moms
and the national finals rich and popular
people are fighting it out
pay attention the country is in mourning
and most importantly sportswear we
talked to a fitness expert about the
crucial role of endorsed clothing and
who could forget
we visit the greatest moments
here he comes he's in the shadows there
he is is he gonna make it
yes he did ladies and gentlemen what you
have just witnessed is the biggest
moment in world history
who cares about a declaration of
independence or discovery of penicillin
you have just seen one man score a point
when the rest of the world discovers tv
they'll be able to see
this wow isn't that amazing he
did what he was paid to do we love
sports more than you love it or loathe
it let's talk about it stay in the type
and
[Music]
let's go to the phones yeah the wolves
hey derek my name's jason and i'm a
wolves fan first time caller
i don't vote i can't be bothered but i
will kick your ass
if you disrespect my sports team okay
the wolves that's a team playing sports
as if they cared
yeah the wolves i don't care who's
sleeping with who on the team
yeah i'm with you buddy okay hey let's
take another call who's on the phone
hello caller you're on with the tight
end of radio
hey i'm a big olympics fan i always have
been since day one
been to everyone me too i love the games
especially the luge
i'm married so uh sliding down an icy
tunnel of doom
at high speed makes sense yeah
i know about frigid action myself i mean
they gotta be kidding me since when is
running been an olympic sport
running ain't a sport don't make me puke
anyone can run
my ex-wife made me an athlete i ran my
ass off when the red baron flew into
town
i tell you when i was a kid there were
only three sports that mattered football
baseball and killing communists
and i had a great childhood really great
even if my uncle did come into my room
that late at night drunk
oh that was not anyway look
who's on the line we got a caledonians
fan on the line
tough times huh hey uh your whole life
revolving around rich men playing
poorly man i totally identify
with shallow heroes who i don't know
personally god i love a dude with a big
pituitary gland
i love the cali's man but you know this
year i'm telling you they're gonna need
to score some points
and get some yardage and win the game
yeah if they don't win
men will be beating their wives with
good reason hey they gotta start playing
a win
trying to score some on the other team
hey i wish i had a wife so she could
beat me
here's what i say man if you want to be
number one
you gotta go for first place
i know i know hey i mean uh you know
it's great stating the obvious but once
you get paid for it
things get really complicated and i was
at their training camp this spring
and the mood in the locker room dude
guys
were getting changed man i mean they
were really getting prepared
shoes were going on feet shirts were
going on
the shirt part of their body serious
faces on them and you could tell
that they were gonna play this game
bottom line is if they don't score more
points than the other team they can't
win
yeah man god you have some spooky
insights into sports dude
i love your show man i i love you
yeah yeah look great talking to you
excuse me hey that's really perceptive
stuff
you know we've been petitioning stadiums
to install a urinal trough in front of
each row of seats
now it's so inconvenient having to leave
your seat make everyone stand up get up
get up
you know to let you buy then go stand in
line for the bathroom
i mean half the time we can barely walk
anyway all right
so we'll be handing out petitions that
say support the team
don't leave the game pee at your seat
go into the phones i'm a big fight fan
love a bit of a punch up since my wife
and children got taken into a shelter my
friend said
chuck you obviously love hitting things
so i've gotten into boxing how about
that fight between gonzales and jackson
well there's one thing about boxing i
always remember you know one man wins
the other goes home i lose because in
boxing unlike most sports gravity works
downwards you gotta be [ __ ] me hey
derek thackery don't [ __ ] on no one
but uh i do like to piss on my seat and
uh at my seat dude not really on it so
stay out of the way
tell me the fight game that ain't rigged
is it of course not hey
how could anything professional be fake
hey there's too much money at stake for
one thing i mean these guys got too much
to lose i mean
why is the guy gonna take a dive for a
few extra million
when he could earn that over a number of
years getting his brain
turned to pulp be serious for a minute
the clock is counting down again it's
time for derek to head to the locker
room and celebrate in the shower
we'll see you next time bring a cooler
full of beers
and get ready to riot this has been the
tight end zone
and this is wctr proving that radio is
better than tv
that's the show men with large guts love
i'm hungry for something different
zebra bar get the fever it's the candy
bar that's
fun to try it's half smooth white
milk chocolate and the other half is
deep dark
chocolate wow it's enormous how about
cream filling
that too put it in your mouth for
whichever side you crave
pick up a zebra bar and let the
chocolate melt
in your mouth
there's a war going on in the streets
it's the war
on thirst sprunk is one of the war on
thirst with the new grenade shaped cans
hey yo pull the pin and blow your thirst
right off in that brand new taste
explosion
[Music]
that's the sound refreshment sprunk go
awol from the coal awards with an
energizing mix of lemon lime 10
times the caffeine and sugar plus
mercury and benzene for the extra
pop yo it'll bring your temperature
right up and the bubbles other beverages
use carbon dioxide
we use ether to kick up that phase
thanks to all that mercury you won't
remember
anything that tasted so good now pick up
a sprung thermonuclear six-pack
kill thirst and liven up the party sauce
your friends and shrunk in the grenade
[ __ ] cannon into the sprung sweepstakes
where you can win a real case of
grenades
sprunk blow your thirst right off in
that brand new taste explosion
sounds like you got a nasty cough yeah
no [ __ ]
here baby try this soothe yeah
sue the annihilates coughing cold
symptoms
wow i'm seeing donkeys
that's the patented cough killing
concoction of codeine morphine and
alcohol
your code will be history how's it cold
now
who the hell are you i'm your wife fool
soothe kills a cough fast
and for the kids chesty cough it's sued
junior the medication that comes in a
fun
animal-shaped container kids will love
hey look at me
i'm visual medication just like that
oh my god he's barely breathing no
that that's just the medicine doing his
magic thanks to soothe
his cough is history with soothe you'll
forget you had a cough
your name or where to properly go to the
bathroom feel better
fast with soothe
[Music]
if you love to hear liberals wine and
conservatives lecture then stay tuned
for i say you say
the future of america threatened again
this time we mean it
i'm dr phillips and i'm also dr phillips
today on the show
the cave paintings in museums make us
violent the anti-beef movement
both hitler and mussolini were
vegetarians and we take on the highly
charged debate about test tube babies
and actually talk to one
i have flashbacks and go to hysterics
and science class
do you know what it's like growing up in
a beaker
that's all today on i say you say
we share last names but that's about it
i'm peyton that's my wife mary
and this is i say you say where left is
right and right
is wrong or where east meet west and the
west always wins
that wall came down darling yes
unfortunately it did i i don't know if
you saw today's news so who is in the
right in this great
dialectical disaster is it as i think a
case of
share and share like love your fellow
man and all wear matching jumpsuits
while working on a collective hydroponic
farm growing potatoes
or kill or be killed crush the weak and
starve the poor
as my wonderful wife thinks you decide
or let us decide for you
give us a call and let my wife a
professor in social darwinism or me
a lecturer in pointless anthropology
work things out that's the problem with
liberals they don't know when to shut up
and enjoy freedom let's go to the phones
uh yeah hi here's the deal i'm really
funny but nobody wants to hire somebody
funny
i mean how is that fair i mean i'm white
middle class
very erudite um you know whatever that
means but
people just respond badly to me i don't
understand it are you related to my
husband
i don't think so i hope not have you got
a question about politics
yeah sure i know a lot about politics
hey can i do your job
you know i used to be on the radio back
in the day even my husband can't do his
job you strange pathetic little sap
let's have a real caller please hi my
name is michelle
i'm a first time caller to the show i
wanted to know what you guys thought
about the proposition to ban smoking
well this is a simple issue
smoking democracy at work again in our
state seems like a good thing when you
first look at it but democracy only
works when you agree with it then it's
best to favor a totalitarian state
i'm not sure about this one i think
smoking is an invasion of my body and
i've always wanted to shoot people
i'm right behind the proposition me too
thanks michelle
i also wanted to say hi to my step
brother phil who's been undergoing a
hair transplant today
hey phil if you're listening i hope it's
six this time
i won't tell anyone you've got plugs
honey i'm
really proud of you that's great honey
but if you want shout outs
call the rap station that's offensive
and i'm really offended by what you're
saying
i'm a smoker this used to be a free
country
when ah good point dolly got you
yes good point but remember our founding
fathers grew tobacco
it relaxed them between stressful stints
of genocide and witch-burning
and you're so against raising taxes
smokers
pay more taxes than anyone my
grandfather smoked his whole life
and he lived until he was 32. so what
i'm saying is why can't we encourage
more smoking and use the money to pay
for better healthcare and some cultural
programs
bringing expressive dance and some
worship back to the inner cities
worrying about the inner city has ruined
your academic career
and this woolly thinking is going to
ruin your chances of getting anywhere
with me tonight
the thing is smoking is good because it
lets people make a lot of money
but so is selectively culling the
population so what i'm proposing is a
change in the proposition
let people smoke but make cigarettes
much cheaper and force everyone to smoke
that way we weed out the weak make a lot
of money and tax and keep our national
heritage intact
line two you're on i say you say ah
i listen every time to your show it
really made me think about the world the
whole new way
i moved out of the city because it sucks
now i live in a compound surrounded by
barbed wire
and shoot and kill anyone i don't
recognize all my land just want to say
thank you have some quality broadcasting
yeah thanks that makes me feel a lot
better about myself have you got a
question
yeah i got corpses from 15 illegal
immigrants in my yard
i killed them all myself with my bare
hands can i get a tax break for all this
unpaid work
good question i would certainly hope so
ask your accountant if you can register
them as dependents then hide most of
your net worth
offshore at a complex money laundering
system designed to support the drugs
trade
then you can pay virtually no taxes and
complain about how awful you think the
whole country is
knowing you're doing as little as
possible to help cool thanks that's good
advice
i'm appalled at you mary phillips ugh
why
because that man has a garden full of
corpses and you're talking about
money laundering yes it's a great
opportunity for some profit-centric
thinking
you missed a wonderful opportunity to
talk about recycling and organ donation
oh god give me strength i married a
foreign you know when we first met
peyton
i thought you were so glamorous with
your long hair
and big ideas you were studying for a
phd in cultural ceramic history or
cross-cultural underwear or something
and i was very young
very foolish now i see you for what you
are and what's that exactly
an intellectual cesspit a middle-class
disaster a guilt trip wrapped in
neuroses and completely unable to
function in this society no wonder i've
begun to sleep around
and on that note we have to go visit our
marriage therapist
it was a conniving [ __ ] and won't write
me any more prescriptions for
painkillers remember when the left wing
and the right wing come together
the country can really get going
straight off a cliff we'll see you next
time boy
i can't imagine what those guys are like
in the bedroom but i'm sure it's a bit
like the bay of pigs
that was i say you say in the game of
checkers in life sometimes you make the
wrong move and get jumped
if you made the wrong move and need
money fast we're here to capitalize on
that
some people are destined to make the
wrong move over and over again
it's okay it's all right what are
possessions in life's treasures if you
can't catch them in
during a self-imposed crisis and a
beagle brokerage and pond will secure
the funds you need for any collateral
items you can get your hands on
just bring in your stock jewelry
electronics munitions dust automobiles
power tools home movies children
exercise equipment pets coin collection
or your spleen liver or kidney we'll
give you cash on the spot
after all some habits are expensive we
don't need
proof of ownership we're about the most
basic exchange
goods for money we'll buy anything
including your dignity avigo brokerage
and pond
look at that the hendersons are getting
a new fence ah
who cares they're swingers i want a new
fence
we just got one two years ago after your
parents were killed i want a new fence
that's it we're never having sex again
need a home loan fast
at the american bank of los santos we'll
help you get the debt you need to make
life easier
we'll show you how to look richer and be
poorer your home is your equity
what exactly are you saving it for you
need to impress people
fast not in 20 years it's only a risk if
you get into money troubles or the
economy changes
which doesn't seem likely we know living
in the suburbs is a constant competition
where you're defined by your lawn and
your siding call american bank of los
santos when you need to add a rec room
addition with a jungle swing or a
jacuzzi for eight
now that the kids have moved out and
have drug problems of their own
maybe it's time to install a luxury
marble wet bar so you can get drunk in
private
american bank of los santos dreams take
money
why worry about tomorrow if you look
inadequate today
[Music]
tired of all the sunshine and good
weather looking for a real american
vacation
visit the shining jewel in the rust belt
crown casa city
it's a real man's vacation the pride of
a nation is in casa city
it's steel ice and poverty spend a
romantic evening in the beauty of the
nighttime river glow at the flaming
river
watch real men who make things lose
their jobs
and fight on our special closing the
mill guided tour
come see what we're really made of this
is real america
drunk proud unemployed and angry hear
the eagle roar in casa city this is what
the heartland
is all about next up it's sensationalist
propaganda i mean the news
[Music]
i'm leanne forget wctr news here's what
you should think matters
breaking news strange lights spotted
over the desert
here's an eyewitness report i've seen
some strange lights over the desert
yep sure did currently we have no more
information
in other news residents are upset at
taxes funding the los santos
museum of natural history this
fascination with the past is ridiculous
i mean i've been to pangea it was
disgusting
our ancestors were idiots my grandmother
can barely talk she's so stupid
also organ theft how to know if you're
going to wake up in a bathtub of ice
more gang violence we go to the streets
of los santos with richard burns
that's right leanne i'm richard burns
and i am in a terrible part of town
a town under siege by hoodlums gang and
drug wars are plaguing the city hey you
want this board or what yeah
just put it in the van a huge sudden
upsurge in cocaine sales have been
reported
the street wars between gangs of bala's
and grove street hoodlums came to a head
recently
when several senior grove street gang
members were killed while others were
incarcerated
the police described that as and i'm
quoting excellent news
back to you leanne hey has this been cut
bridges linking red county and flint
county finally reopened recently after
long delays following the earthquake
the governor congratulated himself
extensively in
entertainment news first it was the
budgies then it was love fist
now the british invasion starts up again
this time from the scottish village of
madchester
new band the gurning chimps are tipped
for stardom we caught up with the lead
singer macker when he landed in los
santos airport
the kearny chips are coming to america
man we're going to take over my words
and wipe my
[ __ ] ass lock up your doors and get
the drugs in
manchester's in the area leanne forget
wctr news keep it locked on it's getting
worse out there
wow look at him i do him right now
yeah me too if he weren't bald
you may not know it but this happens to
every man at least twice a day if you're
balding
you might as well kiss sex goodbye even
if you're
16 and have a full head of hair women
can tell if you're going to go bald
and that spells trouble let's face it
women hate bald men except basketball
players
what causes baldness don't take this the
wrong way but the explanation
may be downstairs it's bald and it wants
you to be too
through a partially scientific study
doctors have determined that an
abundance of testosterone
causes baldness and let's be honest who
needs testosterone
now science brings you gastrodon
gastrodon goes to the glands that
produce testosterone
and kills them protecting your hair and
saving your sex life
within a few days you'll notice a big
difference
you'll begin to look and feel different
if you're willing to do anything to stop
the unspeakable from happening to you
take castrodon remember baldness
is loneliness may impair driving
timekeeping map reading and home
improvement skills gastrodon they also
cause periodic moodiness retail
addiction face painting and menstruation
[Music]
it was 9 am the phone rang
commando pest eradication you saw a bug
on your child's apple
code red boys we got a live one your
home
much like the rest of the world is
infested with
unwanted vermin commando pest
eradication will wage
war on nature so you don't have to
hello ma'am thank god you're here i saw
a bug in the kitchen
you did the right thing man we'll take
it from here everything's gonna be okay
commando pest eradication uses only the
most
lethal chemicals to rid your home of
unwanted life
our team is composed of military-trained
professionals that know how to take care
of a messy situation
fast after successfully defoliating
vietnam
we've turned our attention to the home
front your home front
we've got the situation in the kitchen
contained sir
but i found this jesus what the hell is
this
that's my daughter looks more like viet
cong to me
commando pest eradication we kill
everything in sight
so you feel safer it's the war on nature
and this time we're winning
if you're into exploring exotic places
and forbidden fruit
stay tuned it's the wild traveler next
support for the wild traveler is brought
to you by the ultimate disc in the dark
association of america who encourages
you to get out and play
hard hello i'm
james badistan world traveler and this
is the wild
traveler we're discussing the world and
all of its many pleasures
let me put it like this why i have a hot
dog from an uncaring vendor by the
bathroom when you can attend a
beer-guzzling marathon
in germany with enormous men and taste
of wonderful
germans boost the world is full of
incredible things and you can discover
them for yourself
come along i'll take you there
it was dusk and the sun bled red over
the city in thailand
as chen brought me a sparkling water
a delicate handsome lovely young boy a
world of possibilities
but war is folly and we can only unite
by visiting these
epochs of culture where a man can be
himself
smoke cigarettes dress in gladiator
clothing if he likes
we must enforce our way and culture upon
other peoples
rather breathe it in become part of it
maybe hemingway was right about love
maybe fraud was
we're all fighting inside to let a wild
creature
mate in the rain i travel therefore i am
this is a show that embraces culture
from around the world let's take our
first caller hello
yeah i totally agree with you about
australia and you're right the moon is
[ __ ]
also thinking of visiting columbia do
you have any recommendations
oh yes fantastic forms of recreation to
be had in colombia
it's a blizzard of excitement and cheap
the rails are great and long
bolivia is not bad either or peru you'll
be surprised to find out how the party
never stops
how's the food well a lighter is the
most you need to cook up food
but there's scarcely time to eat my boy
you'll meet fascinating people feel so
comfortable you'll rip your clothes off
and how
for days next caller yeah hi my name's
geraldine calling from casa city
this is such a great country why would
you go anywhere else
it's unpatriotic to travel i mean i got
war
famine depression and pollution right
here on my doorstep
and parents don't let kids eurorail
after college
they'll come back with ludicrous
misconceptions about health care charity
and civilization
europe is not the real world this is
well i love to slumber out in a dirty
youth hostel with communal showers as
much as the next man
sometimes more but i have to agree
europe is overrated
eastern europe was good for a few years
after the wall came down but even there
the police are too strict
you just can't let your hair down there
are far more
unexplored pleasures to be had in the
far east next caller you're on the wild
traveler
hey i've been listening to you go on and
on about traveling do you know how
expensive it is to fly to asia
russia saw the light they're all coming
here to set up crime families and run
numbers
south america everyone went extinct
there they have less culture there than
the content of my toilet bowl
rainforest shmain forest and mexico if i
wanted to be that close to my ancient
ancestors
i'd be banging my mother-in-law instead
of my wife's best friend
look we can fight like beasts or agree
to disagree
i'm sure the summit of your aspirations
in life is a cheerleader with
fake guns but some of us think a little
more exotically than this
next caller vamos buenos dias and
noches if you don't smile i won't deep
sorry got lost for a second speak hey i
love this show
i'm a huge fan i visit all the places
you've recommended
and in a lot of them they're still
talking about you i even saw posters of
you in the customs booth at the airport
in the philippines
you rock and no doubt i love manila had
a great time but that show you did last
week
what was the name of that spiritual
center in bangkok
the wild dragon's happy ending very
spiritual you will find inner peace
awesome i can't wait thanks man yes we
all love to travel
get away from it all get away from the
people with computers in their
databases the police harassing you for
doing
nothing i just hate showing up to some
place to enjoy myself and people are
being
forced from their homes by war or famine
or whatever
life is great stop ruining it next
caller
hey the fbi wants to talk to me about a
perfectly innocent collection of
vacation photographs overseas that i had
no
idea were being taken i mean any
ignorant fool can misinterpret
i was teaching them how to swim i have a
lot of experience with this
i want you to stop for a moment and let
me read from my travel journal
i think everyone should keep a journal
paste pictures
notes sometimes people object to you
taking their picture
but a few pennies of their local
currency and they will fawn over you
some people think this is patronizing
but i think it is fair enough
they need the money and i need the
company besides which it is the oldest
profession
oh time for me to head south again i'm
james pedestan and this has been the
wild traveler
this is wctr committed to bringing you
shows like the wild traveler the show
that takes you
around the world and abandoned you at
the airport
hello uh mom it's me jimmy
how great to hear from you how are you
not good mom i killed a man drunk
driving i need bail money bad
uh can you uh remortgage the house every
day
is mother's day san andreas telephone
for those difficult conversations
today we marched on from fort strother
after sunrise to a creek village where
our troops fought the savages
and shot them like dogs honey it's time
for bed
hang on a second i'm killing a squad
take that you pagan [ __ ]
no no him and his commemorative
miniatures
my husband was getting so bored working
and he didn't have an interest to spend
money on
but he's always loved history then i
heard about grown men who like to play
with toy soldiers
war is so interesting with commemorative
miniatures i began by faithfully
rebuilding the charge of the light
brigade and after that
the trail of tears i've built accurate
recreations of
15 significant battles as well as
training camps prisoner war camps and
forced
labor death camps now i spend all my
time
painting toy soldiers and attending
commemorative miniatures they're
instantly collectible and a great value
for just 37 monthly payments of 19.99
you get a starter pack allowing you to
recreate the battle of your choice
show your inability to deal with
present-day problems by recreating
scenes of mass slaughter from the past
reenacting battles is great for your
marriage too
one night my husband's general custer
the next napoleon
on saturdays and he's a gi that has
his way with me then i kill her
commemorative miniatures
they're not toys they're very valuable
collectible two-inch pewter model armies
this is a hobby you can't afford to miss
out on
you're good but let's be honest you're
not perfect and that's not american
we strive to be number one in everything
sports politics economics homelessness
degeneracy
los santos is the home of beauty and
glamour for the whole world
live up to society's expectations play
your part
your body is a work of art don't leave
it half finished
it's time for your creative plastic
surgery we'll make your face as tight as
a drum
we'll [ __ ] fat out of your body with an
industrial pump increase your confidence
with fake breasts
to ensure people know what you're all
about for the more adventurous
why not try an extra nose or three
breasts you know how much men like
breasts
can you imagine how wild they'll go for
others my wife was complaining that she
did all the work
carried the baby for nine months had
painful labor
it's not fair to her my nipples are
useless that's why i had creative
plastic surgery
i got a set of others installed now my
son can suck my udders while i'm
watching the game
the fellas at the bar love them too men
never stared lasciviously at my ass
then i had a tail attached now people
can't stop looking
beauty is not skin deep it's less than
that creative plastic surgery
achieve your own utopia
coming up next it's time for the man who
can grow anything big and strong
it's gardening with maurice broadcasting
live from his garden
[Music]
howdy doodles this is gardening with
maurice
and i am maurice ever since man
was kicked out of the garden he's been
striving to get back in
i believe all of life's answers can be
found in something as simple as a flower
it's stamen it's pistol it's pollen just
like
me and you we're going to the phones
hello you're on
gardening with maurice i am maurice go
ahead call her
uh yes thanks for having me on i'm a big
fan uh i have a question
my melons aren't big enough i thought
they were going to keep growing but they
just stopped
my next-door neighbor has huge melons
and everyone just spawns over them
oh they taste so sweet oh look how firm
they are what do i do
i would love to see your melons look
gardening is a spiritual light journey
where you become
one with nature however sometimes nature
needs some chemicals to you know
kind of kick things into action there's
a fantastic fertilizer i use called
pituitarizini needs to be injected with
a needle
so be very very careful and inject that
right into your melons and they will
grow
enormous thanks so much maurice you're
the best
yes i know i know that i've been at one
with nature for so long now i can't
remember what it's like to sleep inside
next call god i was on hold forever
uh i've heard that facials are great
really make you look younger
oh yes listen honey i should know when
you look like a train wreck you need a
little
makeup or some such you sound like a
lonely spinster with two [ __ ]
cats it's the menopause maurice i'm
having hot flashes okay
taking a pulse from men huh you know i
should try that
for your face try nature's cosmetic
camouflage
cleopatra took milk baths with cereal
each morning try tomatoes too
the acid is great it makes your face
just peel right off
hey thanks maurice that's me fertilizing
mines
enough of you voyers out there and your
vicarious gardening
i want you to join in on the fun when
you stick your hands in the mystery of
nature
and you pull out a worm or a tuber god i
love tubers
so plump and juicy hello mike from
prickle pine in los venturas hey maurice
first time caller my name is mike
i work on my lawn and garden all weekend
long because i got this raging oedipus
complex and i like drinking beer and
riding around with the lawnmower too
because you know the vibrations are kind
of cool
but what's really killing me is i can't
seem to get these weeds out of the
driveway
i tried napalm i tried gasoline of
course okay stop stop stop
liz i listen i want you to listen to me
are you listening to me mark it's mike
okay good that was a test okay i know
what your name is i know it's mark now
listen up listen closely
i want you to pave over your entire yard
okay i want you to just pave it over
with cement or
ass fault or whatever listen i have
the maurice mansion completely covered
in
astro turf inside and outside
which by the by is particularly handy
when some big football players come over
and we have a little midnight match of
ultimate disc
in the yard now when your lawn is
beautiful
and green all year long you can focus
on the important matters if you get my
drift you see
gardening with maurice is sponsored by
the happy farmer
yahoo if you're afraid someone will
steal your tomatoes
why not grow tomatoes in your closet
indoors
like me the happy farmer hydroponics
and more next door to blottos
i'm maurice until next time dig a hole
and plant yourself
[Music]
that was the show that generates more
phone calls than any other on wctr
gardening with maurice until death
gosh i remember that day like it was
yesterday jennifer looked so beautiful
i knew i'd love her forever and then she
was driving along a canyon and her
brakes went out
i'm moving on now and remarried someone
half my age
god i love banging her i started my life
over with crimson executive spouse
indemnity services
life can be uncertain and you never know
when your wife will be tragically taken
away
crimson set me up with a huge life
insurance policy on my wife
i can't have her back but now i have a
second home
i was devastated when i found out my
wife was cheating on me
and even more so when she fell
underneath the train
i was nowhere near the time of my phone
records proved it my life
changed forever i was a real mess for
hours
thankfully the week before i'd met with
crimson
thanks to crimson i've had a penile
augmentation and they're much more
confident
with women thank you crimson to have a
crimson planning for the future kit
facts to you just dial 1-866-505
crim relationships can seem like an
eternity
you [ __ ] what were you doing with my
sister in that hot tub
relieve the pressure chill that [ __ ]
out
with ice a diamond lasts forever
but your relationship might not a
diamond is
love rock hard and frozen in time
luckily most women are shallow and
materialistic
oh a diamond so you do love me
nothing says i love you like a lump of
carbon
mined by wage slaves in angola i don't
even know what i was mad at you about
do you want a [ __ ] passion it can be
purchased
and it can be overpriced ice available
and very expensive
at decock diamonds vine wood
the stars fast sports cars the hot
nightclubs
success it doesn't happen overnight or
does it if you want to make it as an
international film star you have to
start at the bottom that's where we come
in
at dream makers we'll show you the path
to success our eastern european acting
coaches will give you all the skills you
need for auditioning in the
entertainment industry
my name's philip i enjoy pretending to
be other people
dream makers helped me succeed in that
goal after some intense acting lessons
now i perform each day for thousands of
people at the glory hole theme park
i came to dream makers because i want to
dance on broadway
they taught me how to use my natural
talents to succeed now i get to dance
every night for money
i succeed one dollar at a time i did it
i'm in entertainment
if you really want it you know you have
to pay top dollar for the best coaching
and career advice
we'll help point you on the path to
success um i'm fat
boring and have no ideas of my own
perfect why not be a movie producer
i'm attractive but i can hardly read let
alone act
you're gonna have to sleep your way to
the top starting now
for only five thousand dollars dream
makers will have you on your way to
success
call today the news
and all the other things that really
matter to you like
people dying on fire bodies everywhere
an explosion is hanging from the trees
this accident is really cool wctr
let's go find out what's really
happening in the world news
i'm leanne forget wctr news we distort
you can't retort breaking news is
skateboarding turning your son
gay also san fierro has been hit by one
tenth scale chaos recently following a
series of many terrorist attacks
tiny techno terrorists are suspected
more on that story as it comes in
a district attorney is facing a long
jail sentence after he was arrested
outside the bank off hotel trying to
escape with well
over a ton of marijuana police are
currently investigating
claims it was for personal use staying
with pot
police are celebrating the destruction
of a major hall of marijuana in flint
county recently
unfortunately the huge fire caused
problems for local wildlife
much of which was found eating chocolate
listening to the same band over and over
and buying fractal artwork
richard burns is on the scene oh man
i am a wicked bank hey man in the movie
you got shot but you look great baby
hey who's the guy with the antler oh
[ __ ] no
dude dude i was just checking to see if
she was in heat no it's cool dude
she's your goat dude be cool
all right inhabitants of bone county
reported further
inexplicable lights over the desert yeah
sure did
government officials blame the water
supply and more positive news came from
street good guy big smoke
who today unveiled his new orphanage in
a ceremony in los santos
yes thank you thank you i'd just like to
say this is a
great day for the impoverished and
disadvantaged
of los santos and it's a real honor
that i am as generous as i am i remember
when i was a little boy my dear mother
would ask me
what i wanted to be when i grew up and i
said mom
i want to be a savior it's a great
opportunity
the big smoke orphanage teaches kids
important skills
i was an orphan i struggled i saw
friends
make mistakes and get pulled from the
path of righteousness
but now thanks to the generosity of a
great man like me
kids is gonna be safe big smoke baby
remember the name in crime news asian
gang trouble in san fierro is on the
rise
with problems developing between chinese
triad gangs and vietnamese gangs
a government official released this
statement hey if they want to kill each
other
it's great it means your taxes go down
i'm leanne forget
wctr news stay indoors
[Music]
i'm running on air i'm walking on clouds
i don't exercise
i don't care pompous ah i paid top
dollar for these incredible high
technology polyester shoes to walk
around the mall and shop for more sports
equipment i won't play sports in
i need to get more from life much more i
need to get high really high high on air
oh yeah these are shoes really pump up
that's right you can now buy some air
the science of sports and marketing
results in a shoe that pumps
sounds silly to you what if we told you
that era's pump up would improve your
game
by 300 but i don't have a
by 300 but i don't have a game
you gotta have game be a winner pump up
and slam duck
[Music]
oh yeah god the size of your shoes
you'll shave seconds off your personal
best oh yeah
you mean i can whack off even more times
a day
absolutely probably five times more
because you'll be
walking on air you'll feel so much more
athletic after pumping up your shoes
you'll automatically lose weight and
feel high-tech
just like the sports stars you are a
star
now you're a winner with air in his
shoes
now i can reach for the stars i've
pumped up my ego
pump it up with eris
an ancient pastime just went cyber optic
mom look i'm playing with myself
handheld gaming action is here
and provides hours of fun mom look i'm
playing with myself once you discover
the action-packed action
you won't be able to stop take your
newfound addiction everywhere
the free color screen is just like real
life play games like morning missile
crisis
one-eyed monster war lightsaber struggle
sit squirt mortal sand
but be careful you might go blind a lot
of batteries in my army
[Music]
on the next entertaining america hear
the new host laszlo as he conducts a
hard-hitting interview with top vinewood
starlet
jenna forbes hey jenna thanks for being
on the show you know i've spent a lot of
time with your work
especially the the last magazine you're
in i'm i gotta ask
are they real what uh nothing i'm sorry
that was that was that was awful
um do you do you want to sleep with me
uh no
no now you're sure about that yeah now
i'm on the radio
doesn't matter wow that sounds
entertaining don't miss the next
entertaining america with laszlo
[Music]
area 53 is next don't say we didn't warn
you
did the government recruit school
children to beat you up in school
are goldfish really communist spies i'm
marvin trill
this is area 53 i'm broadcasting live
from my mobile home in the desert
i am telling you it's hot like alien
balls in here going to the conspiracy
lines
hi my name's adam first i've been doing
some much-needed surveillance in the
desert while hang gliding i've noticed a
peculiar trailer compound where a man is
running around in a space suit
conducting weird rituals with
domestibots what well he
probably wants you to leave him alone
get a real hobby like pretending to be
someone on tv
next caller it's me again you now come
on man
tell the people about the desert how
come there's something missing huh a map
with things missing
ain't a real map and that's what they
feed us that and female hormones and a
water supply
yeah i hear you on that one i'll call
back when i got proof
you better not be tracing this call i
don't trace calls everything in life
should be anonymous
i tell my various partners that all the
time rick from blueberry acres what do
you think
islam i couldn't have said it better
myself
crunch truth is wisdom brother and
brother wisdom works
that's why we made it up you and i have
a lot in common vivian is calling in
from karsa city and wants to talk about
crop
circles oh wow i never thought i'd
actually make it on the show
is that because you have a girl's name
well here's a conspiracy
your mom hates you holy [ __ ] how'd you
know that next caller
my name is neil i got a lot of
demonstrations to pick up religious
pamphlets
none of them say anything about the
aliens try reading between the lines
and if that doesn't work do some then
you'll understand
all about the aliens and just where you
were planted
mike on line 10. man i think my dentist
is attracted to me
she knocks me unconscious and has her
way with me well it's unlikely but
it could be true my teeth feel great but
i feel
icky all dirty and used like a sex
object
uh i'll tell you what makes me feel icky
the fact i haven't washed in two months
whatever you do trust nobody next caller
i am a domestic my name is six
three two three six nine four three
nine no that's not a very original name
i didn't know robots listened to this
show we know what you are doing
to my domestic brothers and sisters
enough of that
little guy sounds like he's been
programmed for evil
all right let's get to the real meat and
potatoes newsmen
lying to our face about weather balloons
historians
ignoring my proof that ww2 didn't happen
the fda infiltrated by the very device
they're supposed to regulate the plug
mind control devices but we'll have to
leave that for now
you are leaving area 53 you've been
abducted
until next time stay alert they're after
you
you're leaving area 53 check your rectum
i miss little vincent so much he loved
to play baseball
i i was driving him to practice i guess
i was busy making eyes with the guy
driving next to me
i didn't notice he was sticking his head
out the window his blonde hair floating
in the wind
uh honey vince's hair was black that's
not the point we're lucky he was adopted
so we just got another
it's my life and i don't want to forget
anything documenting every moment of
life is very important
take plenty of pictures of your wife you
never know when she might leave you for
another man
it's important to document your
happiness while it lasts
and use focare film when your son wins
the game when your daughter gets herpes
vicari memories are forever sort of
[Music]
mom josh just broke the vodka bottle on
your nightstand
chris did it you little shits i'll kill
you raising a family in the suburbs is
tough
especially when you used to be a hip
single woman on her own in a cool
enclave of town
with today's stresses it's difficult to
maintain a loving exploratory sex
relationship with your husband and
counter the temptations to kill your own
children
i love my family what can i do sometimes
you need a helping hand
send the right message about values and
character with grin
grin readjusts your brain chemistry in a
completely safe way
i hated my life now i love my minivan
instead of spending time with friends i
work on the house the earth is bipolar i
am too
grin keeps me at the equator primitive
sunny and always feeling hot
grin is scientifically formulated by
science to help cure the anxiety
depression
and lack of self-confidence that comes
with living a new life in the suburbs
it's safe and non-addictive after all
what could be habit-forming about a pill
that makes you feel better all of the
time
if you're feeling like nothing matters
unemotional and gaining weight
why not regain your confidence with grin
[Music]
ah this is taking forever oh honey
what's wrong i can't seem to scrape the
paint off this mirror
oh here honey i got you something wow a
golden razor blade
i can't wait to show the guys this
where'd you get it blotters of course
gold-plated razor blades pocket-sized
mirrors nothing could be more convenient
for the hard-working clean-shaven man on
the go
blottos has the life accessories you
need and if you have diabetes who just
want to play with the medical equipment
stop by blottos this weekend for our
shoot em up sale
blottos we make daily habits fun
is the world ending we hope so we need
the ratings the news is next
leanne forget wctr news news with the
bottom line in mind
top news stories was moses really from
ohio
chairs the silent killer in your home
now wctr traffic and transit after
months all bridges have been reopened
boone county tierra rabata and las
venturas county are now
linked up with the rest of the state
locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of
xenophobia and inbreeding
also police are celebrating the removal
of a major crack cocaine ring by
undercover police that has virtually
stopped the flow of drugs into los
santos richard spoke to a man on the
scene
that's right leanne it's another victory
for prohibition
police are really celebrating after this
one one officer told me his amazing true
life story of how he infiltrated a drug
ring
and how cool it was to get paid to get
high
yeah i was on the cover smoking crack
every day you know
just to be one of them i even took my
wife undercover and made her crack [ __ ]
say hello to the news man [ __ ]
hey don't i know you the rusty trombone
right
i doubt it [ __ ] you're crazy back to
you leanne
police are struggling to solve the
mystery of a container ship
found deserted and full of bodies the
fbi is investigating
and government officials denied the
existence of an area of bone county that
isn't on the map
someone who was unprepared to be named
said the so-called place that isn't
called anything doesn't exist and if it
did
we'd name it something and where is mad
dog wonder record execs the rapper has
battled alcoholism and egomania for many
years and recently missed a concert in
las venturas
staying in venturas it used to be a
patch of desert then it was a mob town
now it's the corporate headquarters of
america richard explains from the
streets
that's right leanne it used to be a
patch of desert then it was a mob
town now it is the corporate
headquarters of america
back to you in the studio in foreign
news we have war
famine pestilence and a lot of envy
aimed at our way of life
stay at home it's better that way i'm
leanne forget wctr news
stay alert they're after us this is
well-known philanthropist big smoke and
you're listening to
wctr make a difference to your community
keep our cities drug free look i'm doing
my bit
how are you helping do you worry that
nobody
likes you we'll provide you with friends
for
keflam i'm the honorable chris for marge
covet your neighbor's ass no longer the
epsilon program seeks out the convenient
bits from every faith
to create a religion that is uniquely
american
expensive promiscuous and entirely
meaningless and unlike other major
religions we only tithe 8.75
that means less for god and more for you
all you have to do is read and
understand the epsilon tract
and the secrets of the universe will be
open to you
just call one eight six six fun cult
there's a gritty new show this season on
weasel
where the law is the drama and the drama
is the law what the hell did you go to
law school for
i haven't changed at all i was always
over competitive and shallow
i have a disabled brother i pretend
doesn't exist i only married you because
you've got great guns
law catch it thursdays on weasel before
it catches you
notice the traffic just keeps getting
worse is your commute taking longer and
longer because of traffic jams
it's not your fault it's someone else's
tired of watching people on the bus earn
special privileges by traveling in a bus
only lane
you can vote to change the future of
traffic in san andreas
vote yes on proposition 602 by opening
up the bus lanes and paving over train
routes you'll fly across town
people don't have a right to cheap
transport the constitution
is very clear on this remember it's only
a small step from mass transit to
communism
proposition 602 vote yes it's all about
you
need to meet someone very special lonely
hearts is next
welcome to lonely hearts the place where
we make dreams come true
where we bring people together and we
remind you about what really matters in
matters of the heart
great abs and a fat wallet hi lonely
hearts on the phone
speak hello my name is zero i'm a first
time caller
and uh to the show i've used the
telephone before but
i am having real trouble with women
i i don't know any
yes i don't know any well we all go
through lean spells you know
after a drought you'll sell for anything
that drops out of the sky
especially illegal immigrants stowed
away in the landing gear so
exotic no no no i i do i i masturbate
quite often if that's what you're
implying
i'm just saying uh this is quite a lean
spell lady well that's too bad
still after winter comes spring and
after the rain the trees blossom and
drop
leaves and [ __ ] all over my yard well
this is quite the winter do you
understand what i'm saying
try a nuclear winter i've never even
been near
a woman close enough to grass i don't
know what to say
well that's odd considering you give
advice i don't think i can help
look i'm just being honest here i
wouldn't even subject you to a hooker
please lady i don't want to be celibate
there's a lot of people out there with a
vow of celibacy and look at all the joy
they bring to the world i'd love to help
but it sounds serious and i like to keep
things strictly trivial
who's on the phone how's your heart i
saw a documentary about the serial
killer and fell in love with him
he's been turned down for perot for
eating a guard
poor baby and i can't get a conjugal
visit
that's so terrifying maniac love doesn't
have to be a crime
like when you would write your name over
and over maniacally in a spiral bound
notebook in class
just wishing he'd turn around during
algebra class and say do you want to
study tonight
and then he's so overwhelmed with
passion when he sees your
polynomials and then you um hello am i
on lonely heart um
yes you are oh i couldn't tell i was on
hold forever and i heard some pathetic
woman weeping about her high school
algebra fantasy don't you remember how
unexperienced you were in high school
it was over in three seconds i could
never hold my own oh yeah
maybe for you do you have a question i
just can't meet the right person
i want to meet someone special off the
phone
who's that your sister no that's just my
wife look i need to meet someone really
special ideally once a week
in a motel wearing leather speaking
german
um that's great next caller hello
remember me i am fernando martinez
oh god not you again look it was a
mistake
we all get drunk at funerals okay
the heart can only take so much until it
explodes or gets clogged with tar from
post-passion redwoods
talk to you soon remember if you're
going to smoke in bed
love is like an ashtray but one after
another you feel like [ __ ] afterwards
and you wake up with someone else's
lighter
we'll see you next time on lonely hearts
no wonder these people are alone that
was lonely hearts
having a child was the most miraculous
thing i've ever experienced
when ken and i left the hospital i was
glowing
but after a few months the novelty wore
off the screaming
the diapers let's face it
nobody has time to raise a kid i
realized after my third child
i hated kids it's not like you can
legally kill them anymore
we're at our wit's end i'm miserable
raising children is cut into my life of
doing
chop taking exercise classes and
sleeping with my husband's friends
what do i do you need a nanny
all parents need a helping hand now and
then sometimes full time
at hampshire nanny's limited all of our
nannies were trained by professionals
in england your little darlings are our
priority
if they act up they'll be punished
properly none of this time out or
ghosted in the corner business
will bring your children up in the
classic english manner by making them
learn latin
and beating them half to death in a
single sex environment discipline gave
us an empire
what's more important your happiness or
your children's future
call hampshire nannies today say it with
me i need a nanny
i'll bang the net that's right you need
a nanny
hampshire nannies
for those who really know what it takes
to be beautiful hair groupers spa
after running residential facilities in
germany switzerland and then brazil for
many years the renowned german
beautician scientist
and disciplinarian has come to san
andreas at hair grouper spa you'll be
taken to a whole new level
we won't pretend it doesn't hurt but
these days beauty is worth fighting for
oh you want a potato you are less than a
potato less less
who needs dignity when you're thin
you'll never see people so
skinny happy and undignified as when
they leave our spa
hair groupers spa have you heard the
number one gardening show in san andreas
if not here's what you're missing
pesticides
exploring damp gopher holes my new
walk-in closet
what's on your mind about gardening
tubers and root vegetables oh god not
you again
is it okay to cut the eyes out of potato
and eat it well
why don't i come over and cut your eyes
out and eat you
what a silly question if you purchase
the gardening with maurice calendar
it's in the august section next to the
picture of the firefights
and the cute pomeranian puppy yeah i
bought that calendar
but on every page you're naked and in a
different garden
and the guys at work make fun of me well
listen if you're ashamed of your human
body then
keep your clothes on i am blossoming in
those pictures
and i wanted to capture it on film but i
happen to be proud of my human body
as much as i am proud of my flowers
when they are blossoming i like to take
pictures of them
when i'm blossoming i like to take
pictures of it
next caller hi i live here in bone
county and i can't get
nothing to grow have you had any
children i sure do i got seven kids and
some of them's got the same daddy
well look you've grown something little
miniature idiots that look like you
move out of the desert you [ __ ] i guess
you're right
well thanks maurice i am right and i'm
maurice
on gardening with maurice gardening with
maurice
only on wctr let's head over to the
newsroom
leanne forget wctr news reporting what
the morning memo tells us to
pornography in preschool the sickening
shortage and
shiny compact discs turning your
children into killers
plus the epsilon tract a psychotic
underground power hungry cult
running the government and vinewood or
an idea whose time has come the wctr
team spoke
to one member whenever i'm in trouble i
talk to my invisible friends
when i was a kid my mother told me to be
good more invisible people would kill me
i'm passing that terrifying living along
to my children like a virus
also police are investigating the murder
of liberty city crime family the
sendakos whose bodies were found in a
meat factory in las venturas
could this be the start of a mafia war
or was it a sick game gone hideously
wrong
either way america's beef producers say
it will all blow over
los santos police officers frank
tenpenny and eddie pulaski
are being sought by government officials
in order to stand trial for the murder
of officer ralph pendlebury the pair
whom prosecutors claim have masterminded
a huge criminal organization
have disappeared lspd spokespeople said
they were undercover
las venturas was recently celebrating
the opening of the four
dragons casino a huge new pleasure
palace with a chinese feel
setting a new level of optimistic
debauchery for the country
richard reports from venturas where the
four dragons hosted the child actor
convention
you have to [ __ ] to get a free drink in
this place how do you stay
14 when the deal is showing 12 you [ __ ]
yeah hit me richard
leanne as you know actors are a shallow
and insecure lot
often uncomfortable with their sexuality
but what's worse
are child actors especially when they
get together
jimmy from the cancelled sitcom just the
five of us was dragged out by police
earlier today
this is [ __ ] hey don't arrest my
[ __ ]
i am a star it's just flowers jimmy
jimmy i'm richard burns wctr news what
do you think of
my five uncles the show that replaced
yours what do you think dumbass that
show sucks my ass
and why do you still look like a kid i'm
51 years old i just look like a kid
i'm gonna [ __ ] punch you how do you like
that you liberal media bastard richard
burns wctr news
back to you leanne i'm leanne forget
wctr news
i wouldn't sleep if i were you
[Music]
this weekend on weasel
ladies and gentlemen there's the real
world
and then there's ours
my god thunderbeast is out of the ring
and he stabbed dr diablo with his
seatbelt serpent
that's a triple roundhouse hail joseph
grapple smash
you don't see that very often
there are gods and there is man and one
must fight for the intergalactic
wrestling title this weekend
you can't run hammer fest when i stick
your head between my legs and final
drive you up and down repeatedly
then you'll know what kind of man i am
it's entirely believable sports action
grown men fighting in leotards with
their bare hands and thighs
this is manly not homoerotic
see as thunderbeast fights the
primordial force of bronosaurus rex the
wrestling caveman that drags his woman
around the ring by her hair
the wrestling match that the world has
been waiting for
and watch the group wrestling match that
has some saying we've gone too far
six men one ring no way out but down
watch the epic battle and wander at all
human culture
sunday night on weasel tv
hi what are you afraid of heights flying
polio whatever your fear it's time to
face it
hi i'm darius fontaine the creator of
inversion
therapy for years we've helped patients
get past their deepest and darkest fears
and get on with their lives just listen
to this
i was having really dark thoughts i i
wanted to sleep with my mother
now that i've done it i don't want to
anymore incredible
but you know it works that's inversion
therapy
fear it face it do it conquer it
got it just listen again yeah okay i was
terrified of my children being harmed
so i stabbed them didn't hurt me that
much yeah now i'm not afraid of anything
that's another life saved inversion
therapy works
i know when you take your fear head on
then it's time to move on
i'm darius fontaine call me today i'll
change your life
promise call 1866 face fear
let's be honest about things for a
second really honest you came out to the
west coast to get away from something
everyone does let's face it the midwest
is full of retards
that's why we've got the fastest growing
population a massive economy and
absolutely no history or culture you
used to be a dork but you moved here and
suddenly you're cool
san andreas is a land where you can be
who you want to be
change your name come out lie about your
age form your own religion call yourself
an actor but wait tables it just doesn't
matter out here
everybody's at it until the awful moment
old friends or family come to visit
janus understands maybe it's time to
change your identity don't let bad
memories blow your cover we'll teach you
all the things you need to alienate your
family quick they'll never think of
visiting you again select from a list of
weird religions
that involve burning things singing
children's songs backwards and loads of
television worship
we'll select a member of another race or
life form for you to claim as your
soulmate
and your dietary habits will go pacific
too people come to san andreas to escape
their past
we'll help you lose contact with friends
and family fast
janice it's time to invent the new you
the most boring show with a brand new
host entertaining america with laszlo
welcome to entertaining america this is
laszlo i gotta say it pardon me but uh
don't call it a comeback i've been here
for years
just unemployed but i'm back running the
media
god i love this west coast vibe
everybody here's so laid back and
lazy i'm here with a man who gets paid
to talk for a living that's incredible
what a concept um he's called a rapper
aglock how are you oh glock it's o.g
loke oh gee look you hear me a player
yes of course
i hear you you're only a few feet away
man listen
i'm a big fan i i love rap i i think i
mean
singing songs about yourself that's
awesome
how are you living straight really are
you really straight what
you gonna question me dude it's cool if
somebody passes it to me i don't ask
questions it's probably not laced anyway
so who out there wants to talk to o.g
loke caller you're on entertaining
america
i love the way you rap about the
louisiana purchase straight
you know the friends told us louisiana
so we would have a place to show our
tips
my point exactly yeah yeah we need more
naked liberty
exactly look i'm no rapper even though i
dress like one but
i think i could really get into you know
getting hammered singing about
setting things on fire shooting up
funerals
you know striking poses smoking a lid
exactly you see the constitution was
written on reefer
by dudes with wearing teeth you see my
clothing company
locked down homie the g says this i love
reefer it's the rules if you're a rapper
wow
those sound like some great rules you
know you get a lot of flack in the media
these days uh in a recent press
conference your manager came to your
defense
a lot of people say gangsta rap is
misogynistic posturing by
fake ass idiots who spend more time in
drama school
than they ever did pimping or hustling
dope
well i assure you oh gee look is the
real
thing he's hated women all his life he
sold
drugs to school children he's murdered
innocent people just for geeks
but he rhymes like an angel and i assure
you it's all
in a good cause so either way you can
feel good about yourself
listening to this music well that was
very informative big smoke is doing a
lot for the community or to it
he sounds like a great guy so i want to
get in on this rap thing
do i have to break dance you know do the
windmill hey can you body pop
come on laszlo you know o.g ain't no
playboy
i ain't down with that [ __ ] it ain't
gangsta i walk the walk
you know what i'm saying fresh yo i'm
i'm down
i'm into walking too but i was thinking
maybe we could have a break off you know
i could spin on my back
you being funny i'm trying to be watch
it fool i want you
i got the streets i got a rep me and my
man smoke
we took over i've been gang banging
since i was three
ice cold killer excuse me
gangbanging i never understood that i
mean other guys in the room like
i'm ice cold [ __ ] don't make me dump on
you g i'm the streets man
i am gangsta i'm taking rap in a whole
new direction
for now it's about making words rhyme
and i'm
going toe-to-toe with you in a minute
why do you rappers get so worked up
you're rich you've won stop shooting at
each other
you know and you keep saying home from
the streets well you know what dude
everyone has a street in front of their
house that doesn't make you cool oh
we got a comedian huh you got scraps
home [ __ ]
you damn you mock ass [ __ ] punk trick
buster fool
look i don't i don't know what you said
but uh here this ought to calm you down
i brought you some malt liquor use a
buster fool
lucky i don't hang you out the window or
turn you out cause i'm also a pimp
including dudes i'll pimp anything you
hear me no
dude i hear you loud and clear man you
will pimp anything
listen how many hot women need a man
because i mean it's kind of been a dream
of mine to sleep with housewives
are you dissing my hoes [ __ ] no no no
no
dude uh your hoes are [ __ ] your hoes
are [ __ ]
you a buster what are you i'm a buster
i'm a buster
whatever that is dude put put the gun
away don't diss my strap
i love your strap you're a great guy
look i'm i'm just coming down off the
80s
please don't shoot me homie relax fool
no one's getting dumped on i'm a warrior
poet i tell a cautionary tale about life
on the streets
you know only too well that was og loke
hey man it's been a real pleasure
straight
yeah good luck with the music hope you
make a killing
we'll see you next time maybe i'll get
to take some callers like i want
if wctr wasn't holding me back man
this has been entertaining america with
laszlo
peace and chicken grease so that's how
you're going to be entertained
it's a career that lasts a lifetime a
career where you're always on the
winning team
put your skills to work in the military
i was on the streets in a gang shooting
people and running drugs
now i'm making something on myself i
kill people and run drugs for the cia
in this job you not only help yourself
you help your country
only in the military would a teenager be
given responsibilities like driving a
nuclear submarine
maneuvering a tank or dropping high
ordnance explosives
make a change for yourself in the
military
i was in college constantly getting into
pointless fights i didn't understand
about
nebulous concepts and belief systems i
got tired of arguing about what's right
so i dropped out of college and joined
up
now i know i'm right in the military
learn
confidence i was having fantasies about
stabbing people
now i can do it for my country live the
military life
positions are unexpectedly vacant every
day in fact
i'm about to give up my well-paid job as
a voice-over actor in order to sign up
and be shattered at by a lot of sexually
confused skinheads
i want excitement and what could be more
exciting than [ __ ] yourself while
getting shot at in the jungle
certainly beat sitting in this booth all
day be number one turn your life around
in the military do you find your
daughter's friends attractive
but no they look at you as just a dad
does the typing pool at work think of
you more as a teddy bear than a tiger
do you whack off in your minivan while
listening to team pop
you know you'll be dead soon you've
missed out on so much
it's not too late to make a change at
the midlife crisis center we know you've
made a success of yourself
why are you sharing it with others why
not enjoy it while you have a chance
what's holding you back cowardice
we'll get you to the other side of your
despair we specialize in real estate
divorce attorneys mistress placement
plastic surgery hair coloring and
replacement
male fur coats and much more with a
designer clothing store and sports car
dealership on site
the midlife crisis center will help you
discover life while you still
can come with your wife leave with a
sports car
while you've made a success of yourself
her chest has gone south
how can you have that troll up on your
arm for a second longer
the answer is you can't ignore your
children
take yourself seriously visit the
midlife crisis center today
what happens when five eligible
bachelors welcome
a little girl into their lives hey it's
my turn in the bathroom
non-stop hilarity my five uncles
this sitcom with a lot of heart hey gina
welcome to your new home
you sleep in there and we all sleep in
here
whatever does anyone have something to
smoke
it's the show that shows family values
exist even in
unconventional families oh what are you
guys doing in there
it's a brand new show taking hilarious
comedy in a whole new funny direction
i don't get it why don't any of you guys
have a steady girlfriend
and they learn some lessons about life
and love along the way
come on guys group hug i'm an
emotionally abused orphan
can i get in on any of these group hugs
no you stupid [ __ ] my
five uncles thursday nights on lsbc
the tight end zone is next brought to
you by lager beer and redwood cigarettes
a game just isn't a game if you're not
drunk and coughing
you're now in the tight end zone if
someone's playing with a ball or two
we're there to talk about it i'm your
host derek zachary
today on the big show clearing out more
housing projects
for golf courses girls in skirts and we
revisit the rivalry the rivalry that
never dies
liberty city [ __ ] and beavers going at
it again
love it loathe it buy the jersey eat the
junk food call it athletics
i'm derek zachary grab your balls and
run
cause someone's gonna pin you to the
ground and give it up
the you nowhere
winner takes all including the general
warts who
is on the line why don't you boys ever
talk about the real issue in sports
today
the loss of tradition i wore a leather
helmet playing football
the left side of my face is paralyzed
but it was worth it
we won the game i mean my boy goes to
high school right
and he's actually given a choice of
different sports to play and there's
only one sport
i know it's ruining this country's
traditions and history i mean i want him
to be a big sports star so i don't have
to work no more and he can afford all
the drugs and hookers he wants
and he's only gone and started playing
lacrosse
oh look at me i'm carrying my bag on a
stick and wearing a
skirt might as well teach my boy to hunt
butterflies
okay i guess you're right you're wrong
it all depends how you look at things
any race fans out there hey any football
fans
soccer fans go home we don't want you
here
your game is terrible and we don't win
at it
next caller hi derek my name's cole and
i'm a big racing fan i tell you that
where i'm from there's nothing more
exciting than getting shit-faced and
going deaf in 110 degree heat and
watching cars go in a circle for several
hours yeah
yeah hey i think that's what it's all
about uh that and putting a lot of
stickers on your car buddy
yeah that really gets on my nerves i
mean i'm
a bald man my wife left me because of it
and half the cars are sponsored by
baldness remedies
castron team racing yeah what in the
name of my mother's cat is
that all about i mean racing teams
should be sponsored
by things that are family friendly like
hard liquor or cigarettes
not the reason my wife ran off with that
cop
hey screw your wife pal probably a lot
of guys did
this ain't lonely hearts i mean let's
stop showering each other in golden
sports drink
and get this ball back in play hello
caller
derek that caller talking about the
biathlon it's sick i tell you and
unnatural
this town has never been the same since
they had the olympics here eight years
ago kids flinging javelins like ancient
greeks people running with burning
torches throwing hammers
what kind of man wakes up in the morning
and says i'm gonna go throw hammers for
a living
oh the long jump look at me i can jump
really high
great i have a gun want a fight it's
distracting us from our primal urge
to paint your face with war paint whip
yourself into a sweaty
psychotic frizzy and then go annihilate
and hospitalize complete strangers
then you bang a bimbo on
ha the sidelines bang bang look i loved
high school football and i love
gymnastics hey
jack from idol wood in los santos
yeah how come you don't talk about the
best sport of all horse racing
i mean tiny angry people on horses how
can you go wrong
hey i don't write anything bigger than
me you know what i'm saying i mean
that's why i never got into rodeo man
i mean first off why would you ride a
bull go find a big girl
they they could use the attention and
and that's all we have time for
okay hey i'm derek zachary till next
time
play safe people go baby go
team you're listening to wctr or
maybe you aren't maybe you became so
offended that the tight end zone has no
female callers that you change stations
i know i would and have i'm not here
anymore
hey mom watch no hands
what happened i just lost control on my
bike and crashed only skiing my knee a
little bit
nothing too bad jesus h christ my little
baby
that's it no more bike riding for you
not today
not ever mom it doesn't hurt too bad i
love
my bike i just fell it happens that's
it i'm getting you a car wow cool
i did not bring you into this world in
order for you to be exposed to anything
dangerous
i lost my thank you for you i ruined
your father's life with my nagging
i will not see you die on some outdated
contraption
i won't i won't i won't i will protect
you in any way i can
it's a mother's duty i love you mom well
you need a car we'll remortgage the
house or do whatever it takes
i want you safe and with better
protection than an overpowered sports
coop you can drive when first
experimenting with drinking and drugs
the teenage years can be difficult and
dangerous
don't make them deadly don't let your
teenager ride a bicycle
be a mother not a murderer this is a
public service announcement paid for by
the governor's office of san andreas in
association with maibatsu cars of
america
hello uh hey it's me jonathan i i don't
know
jonathan yeah that's the name they gave
me at the orphanage after you put me up
for adoption how could you give me away
bring the family together again san
andreas telephone for those
difficult conversations the news and all
the other things that really matter to
you
like sensationalist [ __ ]
turn over in case you learned something
the news is next
leanne 40 wctr news unfair and skewed
for you
in the top stories everyone is trying to
kill you but at least you're not in
prison yet
disgraced movie star jack howitzer broke
his silence recently following his
on-air murder of radio host billy dexter
facing trial and a possible death
sentence howitzer spoke to richard wctr
would like to be clear
we did pay for this interview that's
right leanne i am richard burns here in
los santos prison as we all know since
politicians stopped musicians from
coming here to sing songs about shooting
a woman on drugs
everyone is now questioning their
sexuality jack howitzer you're facing a
death sentence
how do you feel about that i broke out
of a pow camp in korea all right so i'll
be out of here soon
correct me if i'm wrong but i believe
that was a movie and it wasn't real
oh no it was real i'm a veteran of over
40 films
but i've got a different ho chi now say
hello to the news man ho chi
um hello you want me to kill you like
the last ho chi
say it like an asian girl
wow jack howitzer that is a fine prison
[ __ ]
where can i get one of those richard
burns wctr news
the trial of allegedly disgraced police
officers frank ten penny and eddie
polaski began yesterday
although mr pulaski was not at court
personally prosecutors maintained both
are guilty of murder
racketeering drug running and sexual
offenses defense maintain
officers were just doing their job
government officials are denying any
knowledge of black helicopters that were
recently seen flying over the state
black helicopters what black helicopters
that clears it up a las ventura's
institution caligulas forced to admit
that it was recently robbed it's the
first major heist carried out on a
ventura's casino in 30 years
government officials are not ruling out
foul play meanwhile
no explanation has been forthcoming as
to why the sherman dam stopped
generating electricity for a few hours
recently
one bystander blamed aliens who drink
electricity before deflowering
virgins i'm leanne forget wctr news
it's going to get worse trust me
they say living in los santos is the
equivalent of smoking a pack a day
if that's the case then i want a choice
in the matter so i chose redwood
i used to sell my body for drug money on
the streets
now i've cleaned up and have a wife and
go to church
and i owe it all to redwood cigarettes
sometimes when i get really stressed out
i beat my children with
anything i can lay my hands on since i
tried redwoods i find a way to relax 20
or 30 times a day
i know it's bad for me but what's more
important me
or my children stress kills millions of
people each year
and causes divorces automobile accidents
and even war when stress is about to get
you
get a redwood redwood cigarettes
proud sponsor of the ls city marathon
sexual realignment used to require
expensive surgery months of hormone
treatments years of therapy and you
still ended up looking like a drag queen
now you can let the woman inside come
out in the privacy and comfort of your
own home
and it's as fast as this slice
see now i'm a woman thanks to rapidite
this do-it-yourself sexual realignment
kit includes everything you need to go
from brad to brenda in a gif
it's just snip chop stuff and swallow
and away you go
do it in the bathroom and surprise your
family with the new you
comes with an instructional video rusty
knife and tourniquet
two aspirins and 47 pounds of estrogen
it's all you need when it's time for a
change you want it fast
rapidite the do it sexual realignment
kit
be exactly who you want to be
[Music]
it's me tomorrow i will dream in green
yellow oceans
and froth on the beach i'm an individual
me you're beautiful that's enough
shine by helmet shine
now it's the couple who each thinks the
other is screwing america
i say you say is next with the phillips
i'm dr phillips and i'm a liberal get to
a 10-step program that's 12 steps yeah
you only deserve
10. i'm also dr phillips and i'm
conservative today on the show is it
okay to talk to people we were at war
with once
and the skyrocketing price of buying off
a politician
and we talk to people without health
care who are genuinely happy not to be
burdened with it
it's political debate and discussion
from the right and the wrong side of the
track
let's go to the phones before right-wing
anger engulfs my wife who's on the line
hi i have an eating disorder so i like
move to the west coast
no that's so sad maybe you need a
support group with some caring friends
yeah
maybe you should keep your finger out of
your throat and eat a donut 99
of the world wake up each day and eat
dirt and queen puke a lot here can't
keep a meal down
boo hoo what do you expect sympathy this
is los santos
people would give their right arm and
left leg to live here it's paradise but
you have to suffer to belong you can't
take the heat get out of the nuclear
reactor
next caller yeah uh i agree with that
caller about the nuclear plant next to
the projects
you know nature has a way of taking care
of poor people tornadoes don't like poor
people
right like i don't do laundry i'm
liberated independent and i have three
maids all of them on less than minimum
wage
i mean poor people are so happy to work
for me especially when i
help them unionize uh do you have a
question sort of
hey you know i got the same name as you
yeah peyton oh well it's a family name
no mary i was called bruce by my parents
but i prefer mary
it's much more yeah no biblical which
like okay i'm an atheist but i love the
bible i have a hundred that i took from
hotel rooms
what's your question well as a mother
and a fireman i was wondering what you
guys
thought about diversity in america it
makes me very nervous
well you see i'm heavily into diversity
i'm like a man with a womb
lactating yes i think you're a little
confused
no you're the one that's confused i'm
the one who eats alaskan salmon and
children from alabama
i speak english i eat german food i
practice
french adultery and i weigh as much as
vatican city
i'm an american okay you're a nut
get off our show mary would you please
stop eyeing the producer i already slept
with him sorry
brian's on the line hello brian hi my
name is brian i work at caligulas casino
in las venturas
excellent you take stupid people's money
i love it
very capitalist hey brian what's your
concern i did really well in the 80s but
the 90s are proving to be a real drag
the music is terrible the recession is
kicking my ass
everyone i know has given up
recreational drug use and the president
is doing my head in
the 80s were really a materialistic time
i know i'm a shallow person
drown me look we need a movie star to be
president
it works they're the best liars they do
it professionally
well so do all politicians next scholar
yeah i want to talk about deforestation
yes that is a shame what they're doing
to the thick beautiful redwoods north of
san viero
i was talking about women but you're
right sanford is half the problem
it ain't natural and it's un-american
look infatuation and disillusionment is
the american way but it works
just look at places without professional
wrestling in porno porno is the
exploitation of women
some people want to be exploited like
factory workers
others want to be degraded i mean really
really degraded like a liberal having
his way with you
god it makes me feel so dirty talk more
slowly please dear i'm moving swiftly on
from my wife
your and i say you say and what's your
question yeah this is brad
i'm really into pleasuring myself good
grace
well that's my business but i feel
discriminated against
not only can i not practice my hobby in
the privacy of my own garden
or car but my movies are rated as
pornographic
i mean let me ask you a question three
films right
well that's where our problem started
yeah a producer
well right i ran a movie with two chicks
and a dude and it's called a porno
people look at me like i'm some sort of
creep but it's natural but i run a movie
with two dudes and a chick
it's all in french probably wins awards
called an
art house love triangle but it's
revolting
no you're revolting get off the airwaves
and into therapy buddy oh
that's the problem with men you're
imbecile and yet
you married me god don't rub it in i did
i was desperate
that's what we have time for luckily
this show is headed downhill
when you take the worst qualities of an
elephant and a donkey you get a lot of
[ __ ]
we'll see you next time on i say you say
you said you liked me in that donkey
suit
jackass i say you say is heard only on
wctr
be thankful oh kids you look like we're
going to another funeral
dad we're bored you teach your children
a lot of good american values but have
you taught them how to have fun
for family entertainment that doesn't
stop head on over to the starfish resort
casino in los venturas
you deserve this kind of fun water
slides shooting range and the kids love
the giggle dome
plus we've got the hottest gaming in
town nobody offers you more gaming value
and you'll teach the kids some important
life lessons about real capitalism
dad i lost all my money you've learned a
valuable lesson
son it's time for your first black dance
yeah guns time is meaningless in the
land of tomorrow
it's the starfish resort and casino
hotel in las venturas
mom can go all night on the one arm
bandits while the kids visit the little
tykes pawn shop how'd you do charisse
i busted myself and sold a kidney that's
my girl
share the love with your family the love
of money and the starfish resorting
casino has the best buffet in las
venturas
featuring our world famous bacon trough
the starfish resort and casino
this kind of fun should be illegal
mikey where are you hi you can't see me
my invisibility cloak is on
oh mikey stop drawing pentagrams on all
the doors
[Music]
it's the fantasy game that's sweeping
the country the cavern of sorrow
learn about our exciting history and
have fun too i'm a holy warrior on a
quest
i'll kill you if you don't believe like
i do you can't beat me stupid i'm
invisible
i got invisibility scene glasses dumbass
law dad the wizard gave them to me
remember our adventure at gas canyon
[Music]
gather ye friends and embark on
historical adventures
i'll cut your head off with my sword oh
no you won't i have a metal neck given
to me by gore at the back door
i got him when we traveled to the nether
regions of gorthbach there i had eight
wives
47 kids and other concerns
it's not just a game it's a secret
society of special friends
will you find the cabin of sorrow or
will it find you
the cavern of sorrow
what is a gentleman he is kind polite
and stands by his word
he is well dressed and treats a lady
with respect
now a club for fine gentlemen has come
to las venturas
want to be a gentleman pay a woman the
ultimate compliment by shoving 20s
in her panties at the crazy cat
tonight and every night your luck is in
town at the crazy cop
where the ladies are beautiful and oh so
very friendly
come on boys i'm waiting for a gentleman
like you
that's right candy wants to fake freak
herself for money
and make you feel exactly what you're
not
a lady killer it's the gentleman's
choice and a lady always loves to be
noticed
[Applause]
what could be more gentlemanly than
staring at silicone breasts
while my wife is playing slot machines
nothing
i'm here for a conference what about my
colleagues
i'll make you all feel special one after
the other
just give me money yes bring your
clients
after all once they see how drunk and
horny you get over a pair of fake
bazookas
they're sure to take your professional
input seriously
what gentleman wouldn't learn how a lady
likes to be treated
only at the crazy [ __ ]
it's your duty as a jedi
enjoy listening to mental patients area
53 is next
is your child really an alien has the
future already happened
somewhere else and finally is cheese the
latest weapon in the battle
against communism we explore deeper much
deeper i'm marvin true this is area 53
prepare to be a paul hello uh yes hello
i would like to talk about a conspiracy
okay it starts with food and our toxic
culture these
chemicals in our bodies you must flush
them out marvin
first start by masticating did you say
masturbating listen again marvin am i
listening here
masticating vigorously to really cleanse
you're gonna have to do some yoga
the cleansing properties of doing yoga
with a garden hose up your ass cannot be
exaggerated
marvin it's time for your down dog to
really have a tail
i was wondering when my career would hit
bottom and now it's here
right before my eyes stewart is on the
line i think everyone out there will
agree that the russians are in charge
now
foreigners are behind that exorbio
handheld gaming device
to decrease our productivity and make
our thumbs useless so our kids can't
fire machine guns
i hear what you're saying about video
games people are dying
every day of malaria and it's all
because of the messages planted
in our minds from that degenertron in
the eighties
line 18 hello okay man i weren't you
i've been over to the other side what
are you talking about buddy
i've been inside inside everything seen
everything remember the first time you
did mushrooms
there are aliens living in the state
aliens and i've held them in my own
hand everybody go to the desert beg
their forgiveness
how do you know all this i went to the
camp believe what you want to believe
but ask yourself why should i make this
up
the only thing i want to ask myself is
how i can keep you
off future shows oh god kevin hello
you're on the air all the missiles are
under my control not the government's
control
why do you think they put me in solitary
confinement for eight months because i
could launch nuclear missiles by just
whistling into a phone
really great could you wipe out all the
other radio stations in town for me hey
i don't do that anymore
i only use my powers for good ah look
this isn't a cartoon or tv show let's
get real for a second the problem with
people like you who have super powers
is that you really don't use them for
good if i had superpowers
everyone would be naked and women
signing autographs at conventions
couldn't resist me all right going to
the conspiracy line yeah this is montag
okay my name's montag oh yes yes i got
that hey have you ever leveled the house
with a helicopter
i know but that'd be really cool i
thought you were a dj
you used to talk more about killing
people with helicopters i prefer
electric cable
tightly wound around people's throats
watching them go blue in the face
we have a lot of aerospace fans and
plenty of murderers who like the show
inside i feel like it's time to close
the pod bay door
and take a rest until next time reset
your memory chip and don't
believe what they tell you this is
marvin trill you're leaving area 53
iflum be careful
that was area 53 where reality is an
alien concept
the sun giver of all life the mayans
worship the sun
then they disappeared without a trace
don't let this happen to you the fact is
if you spend time in the sun
you're almost certain to die all leading
medical practitioners have determined
sun exposure causes cancer and heartburn
i'm an expert
going in the sun is as dangerous as
smoking or living too near a nuclear
power station
oh no not chemo again no
never again with tropic carcinoma
keep out the sun's dangerous rays with
tropic tropicarcinoma
it's the unique blend of coconut oil
zinc aluminum
boron magnesium and other volatile
metals to neutralize the sun's rays and
form a chemical shield
it's just great for the skin and the iq
trap a carcinoma
i'm a lifeguard and i love tropical
carcinoma i even coat my eyeballs in
digestive tract i'm white as a sheet and
shooting blanks
i feel great about myself and that's
important friend of mine asked me
why spend time in the sun if it's
dangerous and you don't want to tan i
just laugh and try not to think about it
drop a carcinoma give the sun a
challenge
[Music]
in darkness you only have your nocturnal
instincts to rely on
ultimate disc in the dark the electric
stimulating new game that's sweeping san
fierro
it's a non-contact contact sport where
you throw a flying disc
in the dark i got it oh get him nail it
it's a new competitive sport for the
uncompetitive and aggressive
action-packed game for those who love
nature
and living on the edge it's harder than
football it's faster than rugby
it's about throwing a plastic disc and
catching it pitch then catch
run to the goal and score ultimate disc
in the dark
just like a real sport only we made it
up and it has a great social side
oh my god what team are you on i'm on
the other team
me too ah take that silly but if you
catch it you gotta know what to do with
it
some will struggle some will subm
some will struggle some will submit
everyone is laughing
but it's your quest to come out on top
this is a great excuse for some serious
fun and a way to meet people like you
and never see them again league games
begin at sunset every night in san
fierro civic park or
start your own game and because of
tonight it's not too embarrassing to
play a strip version
come and play
deal with your ignorance in one minute
flat
complex issues in 60 seconds wctr
next up the reason you're afraid the
news
leanne forget wctr news reporting what
makes the administration happy
today's top stories do trees cause
baldness
is noise the new silent enemy of your
family
and a special report on france one
nation's obsession with stand-up toilets
breaking wctr news navy officials are
denying that a hydroplane was stolen
from a marine amphibious assault ship
recently despite
eyewitness reports to the contrary
taxpayers on the scene are not happy
i pay my taxes that jet is supposed to
be bombing school
and the fbi is investigating possible
links between the massacre of foreign
family members and the slaying of the
sendako family
unconfirmed reports suggest a similar
style of execution
was used in both hits an official
commented it could be a wormhole in
space
i'm leanne forget wctr news don't turn
it off
trust me you think you're american
but do you drink american lager the beer
that brought the forest down
i like to relax after a hard day at work
and i like to relax hard
get really drunk so drunk you can tell
your sister from your wife
now that's fun and now i could do it
without gaining pounds
thanks to new logger life drink even
more
gain less it's the logger light promise
at first the guys were like
i didn't know you drank live beer are
you gonna start wearing dresses and
drinking wine coolers too
well then i explained it facilitated
alcoholism without the intended weight
gain
and they really switched now we're all
locker men
lager light or lightened beer not in the
loafers
your home is your castle and like most
castles there's always the worrisome
less fortunate trying to storm the gates
no longer at executive intruder
extermination service will ensure that
you'll live in a fortress
and live your life worry-free with my
vindictive and backstabbing personality
i always knew i'd be successful but
there's a price to pay
money gives me freedom freedom to be
scared of things that normal people
don't have to worry about
when it comes to people trying to get a
buck off me or come knocking
i turn to outside help your home will be
surrounded by only the best security
equipment
razor wire dobermans landmines night
vision and motion sensors
and if a stranger or unwanted relative
should make it inside all of your doors
will be wired with bombs
but what about when my children need to
go to school your children will be
equipped with bulletproof vests and
depending on if they attend public
school stun guns and mace
when you're successful nobody wants to
be bothered i'll slaughter anyone who
even thinks of harming my family with
executive intruder extermination service
they do it for me call today for your
free home demonstration
the world is a dangerous place for you
it doesn't have to be
life isn't about money or your job it's
about having good friends
a nice car and nailing as many women as
possible
that's why i choose bouche cologne the
name cologne stems from the roman
empress agrippina who'd sleep with
anyone
i know i did and i'll sleep with you too
god i love myself i smell
great boosh cologne gets your
sperm swimming lonely
it's about to get much worse lonely
hearts is next
i'm christy mcintyre and this is lonely
hearts
you know when we get dumped or mom dies
it's really a good thing because really
i want you to listen to me pull over i
said pull over life is not a game
life is love first color
jess remember me i told you leave me
alone
sometimes the heart is confusing so is
the brain
you talk too much if you look out the
window
you will notice your car is on fire oh
my god
fernando is back women know nothing
about love
this is why i am here fernando grows
tired of hearing women on the radio with
bad advice
because if you close your eyes you can
be loving anyone
especially when you are alone on an
airplane bathroom
and people are knocking on the door and
you keep flushing and flushing
let's take a caller whose heart is on
the line
love is finally in the air hi i love the
show
i'm in a great mood my mistress just got
her period
i love that day anyway i love my wife i
have 18 children and why you have so
many children are you a man with a fire
in his loins and a hole in his journey
well i can't really talk about that
i'm passing on a tradition raising
little soldiers kipling you sound like
you enjoy the fetal position and sucking
your thumb
wow how'd you know i always know it's
fine
fernando loves to suck his thumb too
it's so high and sexy people
love yourself first and then focus on
others
your number one your spouse is number
two
and in the ultimate scenario they're
number three and number two comes from
las ventura's phone book
after you see fernando's ad in the
classified maybe we leave that for now
amigos
lion eight daisy juror on the new and
improved lonely hearts
comigo fernando martinez speaking at
number two i
totally love my boyfriend but like the
skid marks i don't know what to do
yes cars and pants have a lot in common
a real man leaves his mark
like a stallion but i mean i smell it
but i don't say anything and he just
rolls down the window and acts like it's
all cool
well it's not cool why do men have this
problem
fernando learned this years ago while
playing emotional music
inside every great man is a wounded
little boy
full of fire fire from his ass climbing
trees
blowing up frogs beating up slow
classmates sleeping with your friends
all in the day's work it is life it is
love
it is better than warts i think on the
mind of line four
is a guy who calls himself carpenter
chris hell yeah i'm a carpenter
i drink all day and nail two by fours oh
yes
little people need love more than anyone
i have one client who calls me all the
time
the girls complain he's stuck in the 70s
let's take another call
fernando is in charge writing the phone
like a cheap floofy line six
hi i've got a very extensive pornography
collection it takes up the whole house
what does that say about me
it says what somebody should say maybe i
say
listen to fernando there is nothing like
the real thing
it is so silly to spend hundreds of
dollars on videotapes of people making
passion
when you can make the tapes yourself and
sell them and make money
let fernando heal you like a
chiropractor but not as creepy and
addictive
hello frank from foster valley i wish my
dog could talk
and cuddle me all night jew stay away
from animals
it's not legal not even for me it is no
moral
maybe someday i set up a petting zoo for
people like you
when you want to understand the
connection that keeps us on this planet
since the dinosaurs
when the passion burns like a nasty itch
when fate caused you to leave a town
after an incident or the risk of a
father shotgun is fate an incident
is a five alarm fire an incident i come
to las venturas a city with more love
than it can handle love
is realizing your calling i say this i
once play music
that brings passion but i realize you
can have even more passion
with a credit card people of insurers
only care about slap machines
yes maybe you pull the handle and win
the backdoor passion
it is different with every woman some
women need a soft touch
because they have been traumatized
others have already been traumatized so
you treat them like a truck driver
and steal a six-pack on your way out
what are you talking about
i am talking about passion i am talking
about romance
let me back in it's my show i teach you
how to talk in just a second
to be quiet goodbye ladies and gentlemen
it is so good to teach you about love
san andreas you
in your car touch yourself i love you
all christy i will be out in five
wear something slinky but sophisticated
and trashy
your heart is no longer lonely fernando
has been here this was lonely hearts
get out of here you creep oh my god
is that bush cologne you're wearing yes
that is bush cologne
do you like that and do you like this ah
this is fernando's signature move
fernando that latin person is amazing
oh wow that's an enchilada oh let me see
that
i love taco let me see that taco please
give it to me
that was lonely hearts only on wctr
i love my husband more than anything
which is why i was surprised to find her
sleeping with the teenager next door
now i take each day one day at a time i
didn't know what i had till it was
almost gone
now i'm faithful and haven't terminated
a pregnancy in over a year
i stopped obsessing about my weight now
there's just
more of me to love they say america's
better than ever
but when you're number one it's time to
celebrate
and why not celebrate with cake every
day
come live the mystery
i'll show your kids a great time it's
something they'll never forget and talk
about for years to come
especially at therapy sessions it's the
place for magic and adventure
leaving me free to shop and get lipo
who's ready for the incredible dribbles
voyage cherry
can we come too this is a journey you
must undertake alone
it can be dark and scary so shriek with
delight
[Music]
glory hole theme park open every day
till 3 a.m
the day of liberation is here throughout
history
only the biggest and strongest survive
being big means you're successful
and women love big
and men a successful man you need to
feel comfortable when you're sitting
down to eat
clothes for the bigger man don't be
bound by society bogus medicine and the
media with their unhealthy focus on
being skinny
don't be constrained by trying to
squeeze into a triple x
bored of feeling like a man in a sausage
skin in your size 48 jeans
bored of being uncomfortable
kilimanjaro the clothes shop for
enormous men
we're fighting to end hunger yours
[Music]
if you're into exploring exotic places
and forbidden fruit stay tuned it's the
wild traveler
next hello i'm james badistan
world traveler and this is the wild
traveler
from peru to san andreas in eight days
by balloon
often while lounging around garden
parties we forget the brave workers
worldwide who toil day and night for the
products we consume
some are even so dedicated to our
happiness they carry products in
balloons
shoved inside themselves to be a balloon
floating mesmerizing
we go to the phones yes we do i can't
believe you actually recommended we go
to barbados on our honeymoon
it was revolting there were poor people
i live in vinewood to be away from poor
people barbados is lovely
look i want to be very clear i'm not
racist
just careful okay i like all inclusive
resorts where you can drink as much as
you want
be around other people from san andreas
and the only interaction
you have with the locals is if you need
a cocktail or some spice in the bedroom
with your husband
well that sounds lovely with people like
you it's no wonder we don't bother
curing cancer next caller you're on the
wild traveler
yeah it's funny you go on and on about
other countries but you live here
america rules you kami eat me
well we've been trying tom you're on the
line
i'm so sick of england oh let's go to
the pub
they're all alcoholics at least we drink
a 24-pack in private instead of hanging
out in some social setting making a fool
of ourselves
people say it's so civilized in europe
they got
thousands of years of history well i saw
a movie about europe once and i was
disgusted i mean people still
defecate in their living rooms and cover
it up with dirt like a cat
you can't find a decent tarlet anywhere
or a good chicken wing
and the strippers over charge
good lord your philistine you should
stay out of england
i hear there is a casino in ventura's
that is just like the rest of the world
only with better toilets and full of
morons like you
do you want culture do you want safety
it's your choice
personally i want irrigation of the
colonic variety but that's a whole
different story and it is early
let's go to the phones who's on the
phones no one
come on call up anyone
it wouldn't be like this in peru i can
tell you there i once made a phone call
with 30 boys sitting on my lap
not because i paid them they wanted to
be there
or in mali where nobody knows what a
phone is and a lot of people have never
even heard of plastic surgery
or the glory hole theme park there the
glory holes aren't
theme parks i can tell you it's violent
and
bloody and authentic what are you scared
of you wimps
give me a call someone please
hello you're on wild traveler where are
you i'm on a cliff
how romantic i want to jump i know what
you mean jump into the unknown
how could it be a sin if it feels good
anyway what's your question why am i
here i don't know
why are you there where are you kenya no
i'm inverted bluffs loathsome place i'd
jump if i were you i want to go to hell
me too buy a refrigerator magnet when
you get there
on with the show any callers no
okay maybe i should hit the travelogue
again this is from my diary in sri lanka
for a few rupees a day i have employed
the services of a young man who has been
my
guide in pleasure as well as travel
there is something very exotic about him
avrinda he could be a boy but like many
locals in certain lights he looks just
like a little girl
here's a real minx who knows exactly
what he is doing to be
oh wrong page here we are avreendar
took me deep into jungle and there we
took part in an ancient rite of passage
for adolescence on the cusp of adulthood
we hunted each other in game very
similar to the ancient games of kiss
chase i used to play no wrong
page abrinda has left me
i'm broken i thought i meant something
but it seems he would rather become a
fisherman and follow me in an exotic
life of degeneracy and narcotics as my
houseboy
i hate myself why does this keep
happening to me
hell wrong bit again where's the page
about watching the elephants mate
and it being really disturbing and
making me slightly jealous
for both parties hey has someone been
stealing pages out of my journal
my producer is jealous he keeps stealing
my stuff and lending it to people
just last week i had him saying
government agents wanted to look at it
what a load of trash ah we have a call
finally i just want to tell people about
a great holiday
you mean vacation we call it vacation
what is it
searching for a yeti in the himalayas
learning to play an alpine horn
hunting for pythons in africa no canada
but what about a young man to peel
grapes what about
fine local herbs hey it's cheap and it's
plentiful
apart from the rent boys what about the
food poisoning what about the starving
beggars what about the political
instability and the chance to eat
insects
i don't want foreign have you seen the
news lately
philistine well if you want exotic go to
hawaii
they still trade in beads there and ride
planks rather than motorboats
time for me to head south again on the
next show we'll be discussing
amsterdam paradise regained
morocco squeegee smoke
until next time travel safe ciao
bella i'm james badeston and this has
been the wild traveler
this is wctr committed to bringing you
shows like the wild traveler
even if we received a cease and desist
[Music]
till it came down to her curve
it was the driest
[Music]
[Applause]
coming soon the los santos convention
center it's mike andrews
poor people stop complaining start
living
you can't take the money with you when
you die even i can't
he's changed millions of lives with his
book rags are riches
this all day seminar features workshops
on cooking potatoes dumpster diving
puffing paint
bathing alternatives and pharmaceutical
baking instead of complaining about
being poor lady enjoy it
mike i can't feed my kids and the rents
do
whoa [ __ ] settle it down are you saying
this ain't the greatest country in the
world
wait hold on hold on wait everyone usa
usa hear mike's favorite program
such as there's no rich people the rich
are miserable play harmonica
and expect less achieve more see mike
andrews live for only two hundred
dollars payable and ten installments
reserve your seat today
if you crave news wctr
west coast talk radio breaking wctr news
we go to richard in los santos
i am shitfaced leanne
losantos is in flames this riot is
spectacular man i mean
i can't even describe it storefronts are
being smashed
everywhere there is some great
stuff to be had there is free beer for
everybody dude i've been loading up
this is capitalism as it was meant to be
baby hey hey get away from my news man
yeah that's right i'm packing
burns [ __ ] uh police advise the state
of martial law has been declared you
should stay in your home
senators are burning the constitution
blah blah blah blah blah blah
i'm richard burns wctr
news jimmy jimmy get me some more beer
out of the back of the van and clear out
some space
we're gonna get ourselves a big screen
we'll keep you posted
now back to regular programming
he was a man at war with himself
fighting a war that someone else
lost it's over tim the war is over
it's never
out millions of over in exploder now
jack howitzer is tim in his most
challenging role
yet we're here jim a preschool
for slow children you're the new teacher
tim
special needs cop it's the story of a
psychotic
ex-marine showing tough love to special
ed kids
one of you todd's has been running
peruvian flake through the special ed
school
and i'm gonna find it no juice
but soon he becomes one of them what is
this
that's teacher's gun you want to see it
are you gone and shot yourself way to go
he was finally beginning to live a
normal life then
all hell breaks loose tim you're so
stupid
you count with your fingers you want to
party with me
this film cannot be rated
[Music]
it's time for a clock
[Music]
that's why i
suffering never tasted so good
i'm hungry for something different
zebra bar get the fever i was always
eating fudge
but i wanted to snack on something else
the front is
white and pure the back is dark and
naughty what about nuts you'll
love the nuts which side will you try
first zebra bar it satisfies your exotic
cravings
whatever they are put it in your mouth
and now the number one show for
vegetables on the radio
gardening with maurice
[Music]
okay we are back in the garden
i'm maurice and we must answer nature's
call
going to the phones greetings garden
lover what's your name
hi my name is trish okay is that short
for patricia
uh yeah oh then what i asked is what
your name was
not the nickname your skinhead wearing
friends call you at the rallies
maybe you should do less drugs and learn
to try a bit harder
next caller hi my name is colleen and my
husband has a topiary problem
oh this sounds serious
well he started off small scale just
recreational usage you know doing horses
and cockrells the odd unicorn
but it's kind of gotten out of control
how so
he just can't stop i mean people think
it's all fun and games but what happens
when the party stops
what happens then okay just just hold
the phone hold the phone and get a grip
okay
at my house when the party stops we pay
the [ __ ]
get rid of the sailors and 15 men start
crying in unison
well that's your business my husband's
reach bottom
it's terrible giraffes lions elephants
rhinos all of them carved out of hedges
penguins dogs velociraptors you name it
he's made a lacy version
what could be more natural than a man
trimming a hedge into the shape of an
animal
very therapeutic makes a man feel like a
god
when you can twist nature to your own
perverse
entertainment then you know we've
won eat me darwin but now he's trimming
bushes into a spaceship a rocket and a
lance
he runs around with hedge clippers and
screams trim that brush at our neighbors
he even fashioned a shrub into a
kangaroo with a pouch
and he sleeps inside of some nights oh
he's freaking
out on bush he needs help please
you gotta help me i hate hedges
well the romans loved topiary
and look at their contributions to
society
but as they say if the grass is greener
in the other fella's yard
then you bang his college son when the
dad's out of town
okay next caller whoops hold on a second
i'm blossoming
there we go all done my name's henry i
want are you blossoming
i i guess i am i've really come into my
own in the past few months since i
joined a cult and began tithing money in
exchange for spiritual
happiness and letting everyone take
turns on my wives
anyway i have a lovely garden mostly
carnivorous plants
a venus fly trap reminds me of my mother
she's in prison now
anyway it's so fascinating how it
catches animals and eats them i started
with flies
and now mine can swallow a whole
squirrel or a small
horse if i chop it in half first have
you tried any experiments on
human beings yeah i've been working on
that
good man good man see the secret of
nature
is once something is at the height of
beauty and potential
it is time for it to wither and die a
bit like the british
empire because look at that whole place
withering and dying
right before i it's run by a queen and
if she had a pistol she'd be the king
luckily in this country we don't know
the meaning of the word hubris but hell
i'm all over the place here it's so easy
to get out of control when you're doing
something that comes natural
line two you're on gardening with
murrays
yeah my name is parents can i call you
telly willy
uh sure i i guess i'm growing flowers
but sometimes i get really angry and fly
off the handle commit herbicide
i don't mean to i say i didn't mean it
baby you'll be all right
then i cry and wear diaper for two days
a flower
is nothing more than an educated weed
and like all weeds all living things
need to be extinguished
like a life support machine or a
cigarette which i won't be able to smoke
anymore if the fascists in the state
government have anything to say about it
with that damn
proposition 421 tobacco is a plant
people and and if it comes out of the
ground we should be able to smoke it
like coal and opium next caller
yeah i got a question why is everybody
on the radio named maurice
god i pray to the great gardener in the
sky that you've been
fixed i hope they sniffed your nuts off
because spreading your seed could be a
disaster
do you do you have a question a question
god so many vegetables on this show
tards yeah that guy was talking about
bugs and plants that eat them
i got a better solution put pesticide in
the sprinklers
my kids love it i mean the ones that
live
oh lovely you're a lovely human being
you
[ __ ] imbecile you morons in this town
are spreading like
weeds like little bastard dandelions i
wish i could just
pop every one of your goddamn heads off
hello linate you're on gardening with
maurice yeah i heard what you said about
bonsai trees you know what
you can stick that green thumb right up
your ass
oh yes another man who grows miniature
plants
so he can feel like a giant a real man
loves enormous trees that he can
have his way with chopping them down and
using the wood to fashion
rocking horses and and suggestive whirly
gigs
okay we're running out of time literally
but again
like a seed sown in a hurricane or a
mushroom
spore from outer space the garden goes
on
i'm maurice until next time dig a hole
and plant yourself
[Music]
that was the show that generates more
phone calls than any other on wctr
gardening with maurice i really enjoy
drinking soda with a straw but i want
one in metal that won't corrode yo
check this out here's a silver one wow a
silver straw
where did you get that at blotto's chula
glados has all kinds of helpful
accessories
need to break up oregano in the kitchen
check out our oregano grinders
we make daily habits fun
let me ask you something have you ever
seen a real dinosaur
of course you haven't and you never will
fact
that's because they never existed and
science
science is a lie i mean have you
actually ever seen a sperm
we've all tried all you have to do is
read and understand the epsilon tract
and the secrets of the universe will be
open to you
this is a life-altering experience all
your mortal fears will be at ease
the epsilon program this time god
it's personal
the real-life fictional drama in lives
behind the law
in the show that is making america cry
these if75s are a mess
and we're already three months late with
the ucc addendum after we lost the
eighth circuit paperwork the first time
around
jeez i really need to whack
they play hard and they work hard really
hard
catch it thursdays on weasel before it
catches you
the most boring show with a brand new
host entertaining america with laszlo
[Music]
welcome to entertaining america on wctr
with me laszlo
so the media you may hate us but i'm
gonna tell you we hate ourselves more
and stop accusing us of being liberal
want a load of crap
this station is owned by amy nation i
mean have you ever
heard anyone complain about guns on this
station hosts are getting shot by them
all the time but it just gets glossed
over
but it also means i i now have a job if
you're afraid of your mortality
and never want to die here's the
solution it's a man who's got all of
america talking with his unique approach
to spiritual matters
he's helped thousands or so the press
pack tells me chris formage founder of
the epsilon program is here hello chris
keflam brother brother what does that
mean man
so epsilonism is it a load of crap or
is it the future well what do you think
laszlo
i don't know well i mean i i grow my own
religion
which is why i don't know as i'm kind of
spaced out i mean but
you guys went around chanting lip balm
it's kiflam
well whatever both sound addictive to me
you know only popular people are
addicted to either
let's go to the phones hey chris epsilon
sounds
awesome but if you read the fossil
records hunter gatherer dudes had it
made
i mean who wouldn't want to drag their
women around by their hair
they smoked anything they could find
that's like so freaking
cool that all the men would like
disappear for days at a time
and you'd only hear beats shrieking in
the distance you know i went to a museum
once
that guy's got a point points are
irrelevant laszlo
let me ask you something do you want to
be happy laszlo
what kind of question is that yes
obviously then why
do you mock the happiness of others well
i mean this is vine wood we're all
supposed to be like
psychotic and dog eat dog and you know
bang your best friend's wife i mean
i'm with that last guy we all have a
primitive side there chris i mean
you should have heard the music i used
to like in the 80s it was
hysterical what's hysterical about being
descended from a sponge and not knowing
it
what's funny about being told that the
world is millions of years old when in
fact
it's only 157 years old
it's only 157 years old fact
and its age does not change there's
nothing funny about that
it's just weird you know that voice of
yours man
holy [ __ ] i can believe anything you say
my
time has come laszlo and so has yours
if if you let it um
oh you know that sounds good to me hey
wait
are you going to try to sign me up for
the military that happened once before
i mean i'm into killing people and i can
say yeah i'm crying when i'm done
killing and then
listen my friend you can mock but i know
the truth about you
i can see past your jokes into that
scary little boy beneath
you my friend like a lot of other people
are being lined to i totally agree with
you finally
inversion therapy i owe my mom a huge
apology
listen pick a new set of lies mine are
better
let me ask you something when did you
last get laid laszlo
speaking of lies wait look i'm not an
egg
i got laid this morning by twins
well they each laid an egg and i formed
out of them
what are you talking about great a horny
cult leader with a breakfast fixation
i love it you know i'm thinking of a
cult centered around grits
oh wait i'm sorry there already is one
and it's called the south
for the last time this is not a cult
laszlo
it's a fellowship of like-minded adults
who tithe money in exchange for
salvation
and merit badges every single thing we
do is
voluntary including the swinging and
making things up
why is this whole town obsessed with
swinging
oh let's go to the phones yeah laszlo
love the show man hey i really love to
make out with hot chicks in church
perfect join us we've put a price on
salvation
and it's a price worth paying believe me
look if you crave sexual conquest family
betrayal
class warfare and really feeling like
you are a part of something
then just do it just do it it's so
easy join the epsilon group
chris stop trying to recruit people i
mean you even say you just make this
stuff
up let's go to the phones hi laszlo
ah darius fontaine look i told you to
leave me alone look
look it was an unfortunate incident that
happened to your mother
but i was quite clear grandmother not
mother
it's your fault it doesn't work i nearly
went to prison man
what you told me to do is illegal in
most states whatever
look chris formage is a liar and a cheat
he made it up
it doesn't help anyone apart from him
the fact is people need to face their
fears
remember i always say that face your
fears don't run away
darius fontaine can kiss my ass
oh you'd you'd like that would you like
that i don't think so
and i'll tell you why because you are
the devil people aren't really afraid
you know
yet you make them kill their families
fears have to be faced
that's what i always say just ask laszlo
hey don't bring me into this ruckus
darius this is between you two wackos i
mean
and you stay away from me darius i've
got a restraining order dude
laszlo the only way that you can really
communicate with your ancestors is to
pay someone like me
just a second i want you to try
something touch
my cane this whole town man i i think
you've seen too many movies dude
you can be happy listen join us
be famous find your true self
have a breast nose surgery whatever you
want
lie with nine new partners a week it
explains
everything if there are no women make
them
from sand from garbage out of thin air
the rich cry to laszlo well
that's an interesting theory that sounds
like it was
formulated with pharmaceuticals but you
know i would like to find about being
rich and crying because right now i'm
just
poor and crying but this is the west
coast you know i'm only in the lesbians
man
it's destiny vine would only lets you
down
in the epsilon program there are no
series finales
it goes on and on and on we don't
abandon you
ah well we're gonna have to abandon this
show great my first show and a dude
nearly kills me now i'm being harassed
by a former sociology professor and an
alcoholic turned self-deifying cultist
please i gotta get back to the east
coast this has been entertaining in
america with laszlo
on wctr culturally this country is
flatlining
now you know why having trouble finding
a place to park
notice the lines are getting longer at
the food store 19 million
illegal aliens live in this country most
of them in san andreas
our organization has ban immigration
green cards outright today preserve the
status quo in our favor vote yes on
proposition 832
illegal aliens do a valuable job packing
groceries and caring for your lawn but
they should learn
america is not a land of handouts while
they're illegal
they have no rights they have no status
they have no
expectations and they're happy to be
here it's a win-win for america
if we give them green cards soon they'll
be just like us
overweight unhappy and too lazy to do
menial tasks
on proposition 832
[Music]
hello lisa yeah how you doing
[ __ ] how do you like living in that
house we built together huh
do our kids like watching that bald
bastard of a new husband
kiss you in the morning they want their
real father
lisa when you just can't be there in
person
san andreas telephone for those
difficult conversations
talk is cheap especially on this station
featuring more rich angry people
complaining
wctr
want to be too scared to go outside the
news is next leanne forget wctr
state controlled news proved up breaking
news
is skateboarding making your son
impotent and how to find out
today's top stories why hatred is good
for you
foreigners worse than we thought and our
top story concerns the death of recently
cleared police officer frank tenpenny
his body was found in the aftermath of
the recent riots set off by his
acquittal
coroners took several days to identify
the body which had been mutilated
and stripped by the homeless more on the
riot of the century
how do we keep it from happening again
richard is on the streets with rescue
workers
ah leanne i don't know if you've ever
covered a riot
but the scene here is amazing
rescue workers are opening up a car with
the jaws of life
right here it is so cool
hey shut up [ __ ] i'm interviewing
i'm ruining my report shut up hey hey
rescue guy come here come here richard
burns wctr news
how's it going you dumbass i'm trying to
save this woman
get out of here i'm trying to save this
money step back
yeah we'll see if i give you any beers
from my news truck you overpaid
prick leanne this town is going to need
some healing
back to you hey why don't you use the
jaws of life
on your fat wife dude
did you hear me rank him that was red
i'm so glad you're okay richard
hey baby are we off here i looted some
great stuff for our apartment a fat bear
skin rug
a new blender a double ender currently
we have no more information
and in entertainment news the comeback
of the year disgrace drunkard mad dog
who was recently saved from jumping to
his death by a mystery assistant
is on top of the charts with a new album
and a sellout tour planned
yes people the wait is over mad dog is
back
on the top where i belong baby number
one
now i want to set the record straight at
this point i've been hearing all kinds
of [ __ ] like i was drunk and i was on
some drugs
and i had a breakdown of some [ __ ] i was
never
in a hotel in los venturas that's
[ __ ] they just hating on the player
man they've been hating on me since i
was in
baby shoes i was in the studio yeah
took a little time off i watch y'all
rappers get out there and try to do your
thing but now i'm ready to drop this
dog [ __ ] on your wacky ass rappers i got
a new manager
his name is carl johnson and we gonna
take this rap game to a new level by
storm
for the second time yeah [ __ ] sign up
right now
to get in my whole roster it's gonna be
big yeah get take a number hoe
take a number i'm leanne forget wctr
news
this is the end and a new beginning