[WOMAN MOANING AND SCREAMING]
[BABY CRYING]
[MAN SCREAMING]
[BABY GRUNTING]
[CAT SCREECHING]
[BABY GROWLING]
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
[BABY CRYING]
Merry Christmas.
PAPERBOY: Penguin sighting! Check it out! Man or myth?
What is he? Today's edition. Another Penguin sighting.
Another Penguin sighting! Check it out!
Grotesque penguin-man living in Gotham sewers. Read all about the latest sighting.
ICE PRINCESS: Could I have your attention, Gotham City?
It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.
[CROWD CHEERING]
How about that?
["WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
PAPERBOY: Part man, part penguin. All horrifying!
Find out for only 50 cents. Come on!
Read about the possible terror beneath our feet. Check it out, people!
Read about it! Today's issue.
Read about the latest sighting of the penguin creature.
Missing link between man and bird.
My dear boy...
sometimes it's a diversion to read such rubbish.
Most of the time, it's a waste of time.
Whatever. Today's issue, the Penguin. Check him out. Man or myth?
The Globe. Right here. Twenty-five cents.
MAYOR: Well, here's hoping.
Maybe with a little luck, Gotham will have its first merry Christmas in a good long while.
I feel almost vulgar in this yuletide context mentioning the new power plant.
But if we're gonna break ground, when we gotta break ground...
I'll need permits, variances, tax incentives. That sort of pesky nonsense.
Power plant?
Max, all our studies show us we've got enough power...
to get us into the middle of the next century.
Your analysts are talking growth at 1 percent per annum.
That's not growth. That's a mild swelling.
Imagine a Gotham City...
of the future, lit up like a blanket of stars...
but blinking on and off...
embarrassingly low on juice.
Frankly...
I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
Sorry, any plans you've got will have to go to the usual committees...
through the usual channels.
I have a suggestion.
Well...
actually, really, just more like a question.
I'm afraid we haven't properly housebroken Miss Kyle.
In the plus column, though...
she makes a hell of a cup of coffee.
Dad.
Mr. Mayor. It's time to go down and bring joy to the masses.
"Actually, more of a question."
You stupid corn dog.
Oh, God. Corn dog.
[CROWD CHEERING]
All right. Give us some room.
Wait, let him through, please.
I have enough signatures from Shreck employees alone to warrant a recall.
That's not a threat, just simple numbers.
Maybe. But you don't have an issue, Max.
And you sure as hell don't have a candidate.
WOMAN: Hello, Mr. Shreck!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
From those of us at City Hall to each and every one of you...
happy holidays.
We have with us tonight a man who really needs no introduction.
He's given so much to our city.
Will you welcome, please, Gotham's own Santa Claus: Max Shreck.
Pick up those contracts from Personnel and...
pick up the dry cleaning, paper towels...
Oh, darn.
Forgot my speech.
Remind me to take it out on what's-her-name.
Santa Claus? Afraid not.
I'm just a poor schmo who got lucky.
And sue me if I want to give some back.
I only wish I could hand out more than just expensive baubles.
I wish I could hand out world peace...
and unconditional love...
wrapped in a big bow.
PENGUIN: Oh, but you can. Oh, but you will.
Merry Christmas.
- Great idea. - Not mine.
[WOMAN SCREAMS AND MACHINE-GUN FIRING]
MAN: Let's go!
[SIREN WAILING]
What're you waiting for? The signal!
We want the big guy! The guy who runs the show!
- What do you want? - Not you!
- Shreck! - You'll have to go through me.
CLOWNS: Ooh.
- Chip. - Dad, go! Save yourself!
Dad, go!
[SCREAMING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[SELINA SCREAMS, THEN CLOWN CHUCKLES]
Shut up!
You take one step closer, Mr. Man-bat, and...
Ha-ha-ha. You missed.
Wow.
The Batman.
Or is it just Batman?
Uh, your choice, of course.
Well, that was very brief.
Just like all the men in my life.
I know, what men?
Well...
Then again, there's you. But you need therapy.
[SIREN WAILING]
Thanks for saving the day, Batman. I'm afraid the Circus Gang is back.
We'll see.
They almost made off with our mover and shaker, Max Shreck, but...
Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?
Hi.
I believe the word you're looking for is...
[SCREAMS]
[CLOWN CHUCKLING]
Actually, this is all just a bad dream.
You're at home in bed...
heavily sedated, resting comfortably...
dying from the carcinogens you've personally spewed...
in a lifetime of profiteering.
Tragic irony or poetic justice?
You tell me.
My God, it's true.
Penguin Man of the sewer.
Odd as it may seem, Max...
you and I have something in common.
We're both perceived as monsters.
But somehow...
you're a well-respected monster...
and I am, to date, not!
Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman.
Tough, yes.
Shrewd, okay. But that does not make me a monster.
Don't embarrass yourself, Max! I know all about you.
What you hide, I discover.
What you put in your toilet...
I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
What, is that supposed to hypnotize me?
No, just give you a splitting headache.
It's not working.
You big baby! Just blanks.
Would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you?
No, Max.
I have an entirely other purpose.
I'm ready, Max.
I've been down here too long.
It's time for me to ascend...
to re-emerge...
with your help...
your know-how...
your savvy.
I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.
I come from...
Like you.
And, like you, I want some respect!
A recognition of my basic humanity.
But most of all...
I want to find out who I am by finding my parents...
learning my human name.
Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
And...
exactly why am I gonna help you?
Well...
Let's start.
Ooh. What have we here? Let's see.
A batch of toxic waste...
from your clean textile plant.
There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
That could have come from anywhere.
What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
If there were such documents...
that's not an admission.
I would have seen to it they were shredded.
Good idea.
A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference.
By the way...
how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Fred?
Fred's actually...
I believe he's on extended vacation. He's good.
[CHUCKLING]
Good.
Hiya, Max. Remember me? I'm Fred's hand!
You want to greet any other body parts?
Remember, Max...
you flush it, I flaunt it.
You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?
I think perhaps...
I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you.
Once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
Honey, I'm home!
I forgot. I'm not married.
[CAT MEWING]
Miss Kitty.
Back from more sexual escapades you refuse to share?
Not that I'd ever pry.
Drink your dinner.
What?
How can anyone be so pathetic?
Yes, to you I seem pathetic. But I'm a working girl.
Gotta pay the rent. Maybe if you were chipping in instead of stepping out.
WOMAN 1 [ON RECORDING]: Selina, dear, it's your mother. Just calling to say hello.
Yeah, right, but...
But I'm disappointed you're not coming home for Christmas.
I want to discuss just why you insist on languishing in Gotham City...
as some lowly secretary.
Lowly assistant.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
MAN [ON RECORDING]: Selina, about that Christmas getaway we planned...
I'll be going alone. Dr. Shaw says I need to be my own person, not an appendage.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Some appendage!
The party never stops on Selina Kyle's answering machine.
Guess I should've let him win that last racquetball game.
WOMAN 2: Hello, Selina Kyle.
We're calling to tell you about exciting new Gotham Lady perfume.
It makes women feel like women and the men have no complaints, either.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
SELINA: Hey, Selina.
This is yourself calling to remind you, honey...
that you have to come all the way back to the office...
You stupid corn dog!
...unless you remembered to bring home the Bruce Wayne file.
Because the meeting's on Wednesday.
Working late?
Um...
I'm just boning up for your Bruce Wayne meeting in the morning.
I pulled all of the files on the proposed power plant...
and Mr. Wayne's hope-for investment.
And I even opened the protected files and...
How industrious.
How did you open protected files...
may I ask?
Um, well...
I figured your password was "Heraldo," your chihuahua, and it was.
Um, this is all very interesting, though a bit on the technical side.
I mean, about how the power plant is a power plant in name only...
since, in fact, it's gonna be a big, giant...
capacitor.
And that, instead of generating power, it'll sort of be sucking power from...
um, Gotham City and storing it...
stockpiling it.
Which is a very novel approach, I'd say.
And who would you say this to?
Um...
Nobody.
What did curiosity do to the cat?
I'm no cat.
I'm just an assistant.
A secretary.
And a very good one.
Too good?
Listen, it's our secret. Honest.
How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
This power plant...
is my legacy. It's what I leave behind...
for Chip.
Nothing must prevent that.
Okay.
Go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me, if it makes you feel big.
I mean, it's not like you can just kill me!
Actually, it's a lot like that.
Huh?
[CHUCKLING]
Huh?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You know, for a second there, you really frightened me.
[SCREAMING]
Really?
[CATS MEOWING]
Honey, I'm home.
I forgot. I'm not married.
[CAT MEOWING]
WOMAN 1: Selina, this is your mother. Call me.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Selina, this is your mother. Why haven't you called me back?
[MACHINE BEEPS]
WOMAN 2: Hello, Selina Kyle.
We're just calling to make sure you've tried Gotham Lady perfume.
One whiff of this at the office and your boss will ask you to stay after work...
for a candlelight staff meeting for two.
Gotham Lady perfume. Exclusively at Shreck's department store.
[SCREAMS]
I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel...
so much yummier.
Well, ladies and gentlemen...
I stand before you once again...
to denounce the urban chaos we seem to have to live with in our great city.
It's got to stop.
And it's going to stop. Our community is coming apart...
in a season when it should be coming together.
I don't care what the cynics may say. This is the Christmas season.
It should be a time of healing.
And I tell you that, not only as an official...
but as a husband and a father.
Last night's violence will not happen again.
I'm not really one for speeches, so I'll just say, "Thanks."
[BABY CRYING AND CROWD GASPING]
CLOWN: No! It's the hideous Penguin Man.
Here, take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please.
[PENGUIN COOING]
[PENGUIN GRUNTING]
ANCHORMAN: This was the remarkable scene only minutes ago in Gotham Plaza.
The mysterious Penguin saving the life of the mayor's baby and...
announcing his presence to the world. PENGUIN: All I want in return...
is a chance to find my mom and dad.
A chance to find out who they are...
and thusly, who I am.
And then, with my parents...
try to understand why.
Why they did what I guess they felt they had to do...
to a child who was born...
a little different.
A child who spent his first Christmas...
and many since...
in a sewer.
Mr. Wayne? Is something wrong?
No.
His parents.
ANCHORMAN: Again, this scene, direct from Gotham Plaza...
where we have just witnessed...
I hope he finds them.
Here he is, standing alongside Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck.
REPORTER: How about a statement? People want to know.
POLICEMAN: Penguin's not to be disturbed. REPORTER: This is a public place.
- Take a walk. Move! - You're violating the First Amendment.
- Breaching the freedom of the press! - Wait a minute.
What about the freedom to rediscover your roots...
with dignity and privacy?
What's the deal, Mr. Shreck? Is the Penguin a personal friend?
Yes, he's a personal friend of this whole city, so have a heart.
Give the Constitution a rest, okay? It's Christmas.
[BATS SQUEAKING]
BRUCE: "Red Triangle Circus put on a swell show with fierce lions.
"Circus return for two-week...
"Kids will love..."
Thanks.
- It's cold! - It's vichyssoise, sir.
It's supposed to be cold.
"Circus is back with a freak show. May not be suitable for kids.
"Featuring a poodle lady...
"the world's fattest man...
"and aquatic bird-boy."
Why are you now determined to prove...
that this Penguin is not what he seems?
Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
"The circus folded its tents yesterday...
"perhaps forever, after numerous reports of missing children in several towns.
"Police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds.
"However, at least one freak-show performer vanished before...
"he could be questioned."
I suppose you feel better now, sir.
No.
Actually, I feel worse.
ALFRED: Why are you still out?
Are you concerned about that strange, heroic Penguin person?
I think he knows who his parents are.
There's something else.
WOMAN: Penguin!
REPORTER: Can we get a statement from you?
So, Mr. Penguin...
A penguin is a bird that cannot fly.
I am a man.
I have a name.
Oswald Cobblepot!
Mr. Cobblepot, you'll never get a chance to settle up with them?
True.
I was their number one son...
and they treated me like number two.
But it's human nature to fear...
the unusual.
Perhaps when I held...
my Tiffany baby rattle...
with a shiny flipper...
instead of five chubby digits...
they freaked.
But I forgive them.
[PAPERBOY READING HEADLINE]
"You don't need hands as long as you've got heart."
"My heart is filled with love. I feel 5 feet tall."
- He's like a frog that became a prince. - No, he's more like a penguin.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Now, pretty little thing.
Nice and easy.
I just love a big, strong man who's not afraid to show it...
with someone half his size.
Be gentle, it's my first time.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Tic-tac-toe.
Thanks. I...
You make it so easy, don't you?
Always waiting for some Batman to save you.
I am Catwoman.
Hear me roar.
I'd offer you coffee, but my assistant is using her vacation time.
Good time, too.
Everyone but the bandits will be slacking off till after New Year, anyway.
- I'm not sure I like the inference, Bruce. - Sorry, Max. Didn't realize I made one.
I'm pushing this power plant now because it'll cost more later.
A million saved is a million earned.
I commissioned this report. I thought you might want to take a look at it.
The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that.
My question is...
what's your angle?
Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you.
No such thing. One can never have too much power.
If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna fight you on this. I've already spoken to the mayor...
- and we see eye to eye. - Mayors come and go.
Blue bloods tire easy.
You think you could go 15 rounds with Muhammad Shreck?
Well, I guess we're gonna find out.
Of course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so...
Crime boss? Shows what you know...
Mr. To-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon.
Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy.
If his parents hadn't 86'd him...
you two might have been bunkies at prep school.
Oswald controls the Red Triangle Gang.
[DOOR OPENS]
I can't prove it yet, but we both...
Wayne, I'll not stand for mudslinging in this office.
If my assistant was here, she already would have escorted you out...
Anywhere he wants.
Preferably some nightspot, grotto...
or secluded hideaway.
- Nice suit. - Thanks.
Selina.
Selina. Selina.
That's my name, Maximillions.
Don't wear it out, or I'll make you buy me a new one.
Selina...
This is Bruce Wayne.
- Yeah, we've met. - Have we?
Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I mistook me for somebody else. Sorry.
You mean, mistook me.
I mistook... Yeah. Isn't that what I said?
No, I don't think so.
What happened?
Did you injure yourself on that ski slope?
Is that why you cut short your vacation? Came back?
It's a blur.
I mean, not complete amnesia. I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...
and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness.
And I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school...
and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedburg.
He's dead now.
But last night, complete blur.
Couldn't you just die?
Selina, please...
show out Mr. Wayne.
With pleasure.
Um, your coat, Mr. Wayne.
Oh. Right.
You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
Well, that's a long story.
I could free up some time.
- I'm listed. - I'm tempted.
I'm working.
I'm leaving.
- Dad, you buy that blurry business? - Women.
Nothing surprises me, Chip.
Except your late mother.
Who'd have thought Selina had a brain to damage?
Bottom line?
She tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window.
Meantime, I've got badder fish to fry.
Oswald, it's Max.
You're home?
How've you been?
Your extended family?
Good to have a family.
I'd much rather not be disturbed now.
Come on downstairs, Oswald. I have a surprise.
I don't like surprises.
[PENGUIN GRUNTING]
Come on down.
SHRECK: Don't peek.
You'll spoil it.
Ta-da!
Yes. Adulation is a cross to bear. God knows I know.
But someone's got to supplant our standing-in-the-way-of-progress mayor.
And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot, you've got the magic.
Your charisma's bigger than both of us. Come on down.
Mayor?
Mayor.
Max, elections happen in November. Is this not late December?
Don't worry about it.
I want you to meet Jen and Josh, my image consultants.
Here.
Reclaim your birthright.
I'm Jen. Hi.
Okay, let's see.
What I'd like to do first is to put these little glove thingies on you.
Our research tells us that voters like fingers.
So if we wanna just lose this...
We'll do it another time then, okay?
Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
[CHUCKLING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Still, could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
Your nose could be... What do you mean by that?
[JOSH SCREAMING]
Oh, God!
Everybody, back to work!
Let's make a mayor!
You're right, we missed the regularly scheduled election...
but elected officials can be recalled, impeached...
given the boot. Look at Nixon. Agnew.
Then think of you...
Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.
I'd like to fill her void.
We're gonna need signatures to overturn the ballot. I can supply those.
- Teach her my French flipper trick. - Oswald, we need one more thing.
A platform?
Stop global warming. Start global cooling. Make the world a giant icebox.
I like it. But to get the mayor recalled, we have to have a catalyst, a trigger.
You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot.
Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot.
I need you, Oswald. I need you now.
That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen.
Soon. One incident like the Gulf of Tonkin or the Reichstag fire.
You want my old friends up there...
to drive the mayor into a foaming frenzy?
- Exactly. - Sounds fun.
But...
I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.
I've got my own things to tend to.
Sidetracked? Oswald, this is your chance to fulfill a destiny...
your parents carelessly discarded.
Reclaim my birthright, you mean?
Imagine, as mayor, you'd have the ear of the media...
access to captains of industry...
unlimited poontang.
You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.
All right, I'll be mayor.
Burn, baby, burn!
[GROWLING]
[NAILS SCREECHING]
- Who is she? - What is she?
I don't know whether to open fire or fall in love.
You poor guys.
Always confusing your pistols with your privates.
Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than 300.
You're overpaid. Hit the road.
[SCREAMS]
Yeah. Go ahead and hit me.
[CHUCKLES]
Admiring your handiwork?
Touring the riot scene.
Gravely assessing the devastation.
Upstanding mayor stuff.
You're not the mayor.
Things change.
What do you want?
Ah. The direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Things change.
[WHOOSHING]
Meow.
I saw her first. Gotta fly.
How could you? I'm a woman.
I'm sorry. I...
As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted.
Life's a bitch, now so am I.
[YELPS]
Who are you? Who's the man behind the bat?
Maybe you can help me find...
the woman behind the cat.
No, that's not you.
Ahh.
There you are.
Saved by Kitty Litter.
[SNICKERING]
Bastard!
Alfred...
bring me some antiseptic ointment, would you?
ALFRED: Coming. Are you in pain, sir?
No. Not really.
Meow.
PENGUIN: Thank you.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
I may have saved the mayor's baby...
but I refuse to save a mayor...
who stood by, helpless as a baby...
while Gotham was ravaged by a disease...
that turned Eagle Scouts into crazed clowns...
and happy homemakers into catwomen.
Thank you.
Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast who's been romancing Gotham...
today made his bid to run Gotham.
Thank you.
Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest role model a young person could have.
And you're the hottest young person a role model could have.
Here.
Wear a button.
Let me just get it on there.
Thank you.
I could really get into this mayor stuff.
It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people...
touching people, groping people.
- Penguin... - My name's not Penguin!
It's Oswald Cobblepot.
Oswald, there's somebody here to see you.
PENGUIN: Ooh.
[PENGUIN GRUNTING]
Just the pussy I've been looking for.
It's chilly in here.
- I'll warm you. - Down, Oswald.
[SNIFFING]
We need to talk.
You see, you and I have something in common.
Sounds familiar.
Appetite for destruction?
Contempt for the czars of fashion?
Wait, don't tell me.
Naked sexual charisma?
Batman.
The thorn in both our sides.
The fly in our ointment.
Ointment?
I've got scented or unscented.
I'll come back later.
Perchance, are you a registered voter? I am a mayoral prospect.
CATWOMAN: I have but one pet cause today.
Ban the bat.
Oh, him again. No bother. He's already history. Check it out.
We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
CATWOMAN: No. No.
He'd have even more power as a martyr.
To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most.
Namely, us.
You mean, frame him?
CATWOMAN: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hm?
Those names are not for prying eyes.
[BIRD CHIRPING]
Why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway?
Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's getting back at her daddy...
for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet 16.
[WHISTLING]
Nice birdie.
Mmm. Mmm.
Nice kitty.
- Mm-mmm. - Nice kitty.
Nice kitty.
Look, Batman napalmed my arm.
He knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself.
I want to play an integral part in his degradation.
A plan is forming.
[SQUEAKING]
I want in.
The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all...
dirty.
Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
I challenge the mayor...
to relight the Christmas tree in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.
Sir, shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class?
The Love Connection perhaps?
Not that I have any faith in the mayor.
But I hope and pray that Batman...
will be present to preserve the peace. Thank you very much.
Subtle.
SELINA: Why are you doing this?
BRUCE: Selina? - Huh?
Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Scare me? No. I was just scaring myself, actually.
I don't see how, but...
It's nice to see you out in the real world, away from Shreck.
Well, it's nice to be here.
- You all right? - Hm? Mm-hm.
You look like maybe you have the holiday blues or something.
No.
Boy, the news these days. Weird.
I heard on TV that...
Catwoman is thought to weigh 140 pounds.
I don't know how these hacks sleep at night.
It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?
He probably saved millions of dollars in property damage alone.
You're not going to that, are you? The relighting of the tree thing?
No. I wouldn't be caught dead there.
It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.
You got kind of a dark side, don't you?
No darker than yours, Bruce.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
Listen, why don't you come over and we can watch it together on TV?
- What? - The tree-lighting ceremony.
I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.
How about if you come over for an early dinner. Let's say 5?
Let's say 6?
Okay, 5.
Five. You and me. Okay?
The tree lights up, and then I push the button.
No, wait.
I press the button, and then the tree lights up.
- Who are you? - Talent scout.
Come in.
You know, I don't just light trees. I'm an actress, as well.
Ooh.
ICE PRINCESS: What is that thing? A camera or something?
Say cheese.
Cheese.
[THUD]
Thanks, Alfred.
I'm sure he's wonderful company...
but doesn't the gold-plated bachelor bit get a little stale?
A lot like the lonely secretary syndrome, I guess.
- Executive assistant. - Sorry.
Secretary.
Any girlfriend?
Sure.
You mean, as in serious?
Uh, no. Had one, didn't work.
What went wrong? Hang on, I think I know.
- You kept things from her. - No, I told her everything.
And the truth frightened her?
There are two truths, you know?
She had trouble reconciling them, because I had trouble...
reconciling them.
Yeah.
- See, Vicki thought... - Vicki?
Ice skater or stewardess?
No, she was a photojournalist.
Well, was Vicki right about your difficulty with duality?
See...
If I say yes, then...
you're gonna think of me as...
a Norman Bates, Ted Bundy type and...
Well, you might not let me kiss you.
It's the so-called normal guys who always let you down.
Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.
Well, yeah.
[GROANS]
- You can't do that. - Neither can I.
REPORTER: The Ice Princess has been kidnapped. Commissioner Gordon...
can you confirm for us the reports we're hearing...
of Batman's suspected involvement in the abduction?
This evidence is purely circumstantial.
This was found, stained with blood, in the missing girl's dressing room.
- I gotta get out of here. - No, it's your house.
Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax. I'll be right back.
- Alfred, I've got to get down to the plaza. - I saw it.
I know. He's practically begging me to show.
Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.
No, I can't. There's been a kidnapping. Here's what I want you to do.
[SOFTLY] Shit!
Tell Selina, you know, Miss Kyle in there, tell her I had to go out of town.
Tell her there's a big business deal that came up. No, you know what?
Let her know, not in some kind of dumb, be-my-girlfriend kind of way...
- I will relay the message. - Great.
- Miss Kyle... - Alfred.
- Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that... - Mr. Wayne?
Bruce, yes.
Um, would you tell him for me that...
I've been going through a lot of changes and...
No. Just that...
this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving.
In fact, he makes me feel the way...
I hope I really am.
No.
Could you just make up a sonnet or something, a dirty limerick?
- One has just sprung to mind. - Thanks.
- This way, ma'am. - Sorry.
Where is that?
MAYOR: Ladies and gentlemen.
Please, if I could have your attention for just a minute.
Folks, I know that to many of you...
Gotham seems a bit beleaguered these days.
But I want you to know that your elected officials...
and your police department have the situation well in hand.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
- Gotta hurry. - Thank you.
- It was set up to look like I did this. - No sweat. I'll just tell the police...
I was kidnapped by an ugly birdman with fish breath.
Did somebody say "fish"?
I haven't been fed all day.
Eat floor.
High fiber.
Hey, stud...
- I thought we had something together. - We do.
Gotta go. Girl talk.
[BEEPING]
She let me go. I think because I reasoned with her, girl to girl.
Be careful. Don't move.
Lawn dart!
[BATS SQUEAKING]
Rats with wings, do your thing.
[ICE PRINCESS SCREAMING]
Batman pushed the Princess!
[BATS SQUEAKING]
Hold your fire!
You're catnip to a girl like me.
Handsome, dazed...
and to die for.
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
You're the second man who killed me this week.
But I've got seven lives left.
I tried to save you...
Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead.
Or deeply resentful.
Maybe you should retire.
Damn.
Outstanding.
You're Beauty and the Beast...
in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.
She looked pretty scared to me.
[LAUGHING]
Touch of the bubbly?
So, what are we waiting for?
Let's consummate our fiendish union.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on. Can't you picture?
It's dark in the mayor's mansion.
I'm bushed, so here you come into the bedroom...
twitching your little tail...
my slippers in one hand, a dry martini in the other.
CATWOMAN: Oh, please.
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
You lousy minx! I ought to have you spayed!
You sent out all the signals!
And I don't think I like you anymore!
Goodbye, my unintended. Go to heaven.
[SCREAMING]
Thank you.
There he is!
Don't adjust your sets.
Welcome to the Oswald Cobblepot School of Driving.
Gentlemen, start your screaming.
[LAUGHING]
Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!
[SIRENS WAILING]
Just relax.
I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
You gotta admit, I played this stinking city...
like a harp from hell!
Helpless old lady at 12:00 high.
[PENGUIN GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
That's funny.
Now I'm a little worried.
So he survived. What's the worry?
He didn't even lose a limb, an eyeball, bladder control.
The point is, listen to them. They've lost faith in old symbols.
They're ready to bond with you, the icon of the future.
If it works, don't fix it.
We'll celebrate tonight at my annual Max-querade Ball.
Shreck and Cobblepot...
the visionary alliance. Come on.
[CROWD CHEERING]
When it came time...
to ensure the safety of our fair city...
did the mayor have a plan?
CROWD: No!
PENGUIN: No!
He relied on a man.
A Batman.
A ticking time-bomb of a costumed freak...
Our prime concern is this ghastly grotesque.
But let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile.
There's security to consider.
It's not as though we can take it to any old Joe's body shop, is it, sir?
Security?
Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?
I'm sitting there, working, and I turn around and there she is. "Hi, Vick. Come on in."
- Ready? - I think I'll take the stairs.
PENGUIN: You ask me, am I up here for personal glory?
No.
I toiled for many years...
in utter obscurity...
beneath your boulevards.
The glory that I yearn to recapture...
is the glory of Gotham!
How can this be accomplished?
I know you're all concerned.
PENGUIN [ON RECORDING]: Hey, just relax.
I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
I didn't say that.
PENGUIN [ON RECORDING]: You gotta admit, I played this stinking city...
like a harp from hell!
[RECORDING REPEATING]
Boo!
[SCRATCHING]
[CROWD BOOING]
WOMAN: Get out of here!
[YELLING]
Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
There he is!
My babies.
Did you miss me?
Great speech, Oswald.
My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin!
I am not a human being!
I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
Crank the a.c.!
Where are my lists? Bring me the names!
It's time.
These are the names of the first-born sons of Gotham City.
Just like I was.
And like me, a terrible fate waits for them.
Tonight, while their parents party...
they'll be dreaming away...
in their safe cribs...
their soft beds...
and we will snatch them...
carry them into the sewer...
and toss them into a deep, dark, watery grave.
CLOWN: Um, Penguin?
I mean, killing sleeping children, isn't that a little, uh...?
No, it's a lot "uh."
ALFRED: Mr. Wayne, a reminder.
Tonight is that loathsome party hosted by the odious Mr. Shreck.
May we RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
Not interested.
Although...
Selina Kyle might be there.
[BAND PLAYING "SUPER FREAK"]
Ingenious costume.
Let me guess.
Trust fund goodie-goodie.
Feeling good, huh?
Well, you almost made a monster the mayor of Gotham City.
I am the light of this city...
and I am its mean, twisted soul.
Does it matter who's mayor?
- It does to me. - Yawn.
[SONG ENDS AND CROWD APPLAUDS]
[SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES' "FACE TO FACE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had...
a pretty big deal come through. Fall through, actually.
It's okay. I had to go home and feed my cat.
So no hard feelings, then?
Actually...
semi-hard, I'd say.
There's a big, comfy California King over in Bedding.
What do you say?
You mean, take off our costumes?
I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.
Me too.
Let me ask you something.
Why'd you come tonight?
- You first. - To see you.
That's lovely.
I really wish I could say the same, but I came for Max.
What do you mean? You and...
Not you and Max.
[LAUGHING]
Me and Max.
No. This and Max.
Don't give me a killing-Max-won't-solve-anything speech.
Because it will.
Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber-baron...
always coming out on top when he should be six feet under?
I'm sure you have a lot of problems with your boss...
but who the hell do you think you are?
I don't know anymore, Bruce.
[LAUGHING]
A kiss under the mistletoe.
You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
But a kiss can be even deadlier...
if you mean it.
Oh, my God.
Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Let's go outside.
[ALL SCREAMING]
- Are you okay? - I'm all right.
You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
[CHUCKLING]
- What do you want? - Right now, my troops...
are fanning out across town...
for your children! Yes!
For your first-born sons!
The ones you left defenseless at home...
so you could dress up like jerks...
get juiced and dance...
badly!
I've personally come...
for Gotham's favorite son:
Mr. Chip Shreck.
You're coming with me, you great white dope...
to die way down in the sewer.
Not Chip. If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
I don't. So, no.
I'm the one you want. Ask yourself.
Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you?
Isn't it Max, not Chip...
who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
Okay, you got a point.
I'll let the little prince live for now.
In the duck!
This is gonna be good...
to cut down a whole crop of Gotham's most promising...
before their prime.
You ask me, how do I lure them in?
A little Pied Penguin action.
And you get to watch them sink...
into a deep puddle...
of your industrial byproducts.
Then you join them.
[BABY CRYING]
Would you hurry up and get those kids loaded already?
Right this way, kiddies. Come on.
Come with me.
[MONKEY SHRIEKING]
So where are all the children?
[PENGUIN READING NOTE]
"Batman."
[YELLING]
My dear penguins...
we stand on a great threshold.
It's okay to be scared.
Many of you won't be coming back.
Thanks to Batman, the time has come...
to punish all of God's children.
First-, second-, third-, and fourth-born!
Why be biased?
Male and female!
Hell, the sexes are equal...
with their erogenous zones blown sky-high!
[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]
Forward march!
The liberation of Gotham...
has begun!
ALFRED: The penguins are moving above ground.
POODLE LADY: Penguin army approaching launch destination...
at Gotham Plaza.
One minute until ignition.
They wouldn't put me on a pedestal...
so I'm laying them on a slab!
ALFRED: The penguins seem to be converging on Gotham Plaza.
POODLE LADY: Thirty seconds until ignition.
Estimated casualties after launch:
100,000 people.
The penguins have reached Gotham Square.
Fifteen seconds to ignition.
Ready when you are, sir.
I've got the coordinates.
POODLE LADY: Ten, nine, eight, seven...
- All right. Let's turn them around. - Yes, sir.
[FREQUENCY WHINING]
Something is wrong.
Something has jammed the signal.
POODLE LADY: They seem to be turning around.
Hey.
POODLE LADY: There is also something coming this way.
Very large. Very fast.
Who's there?
I'm homing in on the signal's origin.
[YELLING]
[PENGUIN YELLING]
You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak...
and you have to wear a mask!
You might be right.
But what it all comes down to is, who's holding the umbrella?
[REMOTE BUZZING]
My babies!
[YELLING]
[BATS SQUEAKING]
[SCREAMING]
[MONKEY SHRIEKING]
I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you with a minimum of fuss.
Money, jewels...
a very big ball of string.
- Your blood, Max. - My blood?
I gave at the office.
CATWOMAN: A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
SHRECK: Let's make a deal.
Other than my blood, what can I do for you?
Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
Shut up. You're going to jail.
Don't be naive. The law doesn't apply to people like him or us.
Wrong on both counts.
Why are you doing this?
Let's just take him to the police.
Then we can go home...
together.
[WHIP CRACKS]
Selina...
don't you see?
We're the same.
Split, right down the center.
Selina, please.
Bruce...
I would love to live with you in your castle...
forever, just like in a fairy tale.
I just couldn't live with myself. So don't pretend this is a happy ending.
Selina.
Selina Kyle.
You're fired.
And Bruce Wayne...
why are you dressed up like Batman?
Because he is Batman, you moron.
Was.
Don't.
You killed me, the Penguin killed me, Batman killed me.
That's three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?
One way to find out.
Four, five.
Still alive!
[SELINA GROANING]
Six, seven.
All good girls go to heaven.
[GUN CLICKS]
[LAUGHING]
Two lives left.
I think I'll save one for next Christmas.
But in the meantime...
how about a kiss, Santie Claus?
[WHEEZING]
Shit! I picked a cute one.
The heat's getting to me.
I'll murder you momentarily.
But first...
I need a cool drink...
of ice water.
Alfred, stop the car.
[CAT MEOWING]
Well, come what may, merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Merry Christmas, Alfred.
"Goodwill toward men."
And women.