1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,360 No, no. Down a bit. Down. 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,680 No, it has to be at head height. Erm, I find that term offensive. 3 00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,400 Down! Is symmetry too much to ask? Where's the tinsel? 4 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,800 Guys, please! Whoa! 5 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,640 Oh, no. 6 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:18,000 Oh, no. Ooh. Guys, what did I miss? 7 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,800 Is it a good thing? 8 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,720 TOY PLAYS JINGLE BELLS TUNE 9 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,760 Yes, I'm sure that's how St Nicholas would wish to be remembered! 10 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,360 What the heck is that? Oh, I know, I know. 11 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,320 Kitty spotted it when I was looking for lights and she was like, 12 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,760 "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, 13 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,160 please, please, please, please, please, please, please, 14 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,440 please, please, please, please, please, please." 15 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:39,960 OK, I get it. I get it. 16 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,640 TOY CONTINUES TO PLAY TUNE 17 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,440 MAN WHISTLES TUNE 18 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,720 It's him! 19 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,960 Catherine, I assure you that Father Christmas 20 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:19,200 is not re-e-e-e-ally 21 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,960 in the habit 22 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,920 of appearing before Christmas Eve. 23 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,480 I mean, I think what you saw was one of his elves 24 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,080 on a reconnaissance mission 25 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:34,200 to...to...to recce the terrain before the primary operation. 26 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,720 I think you might be letting your imagination run away with you. 27 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,760 Lucky Fanny, to be touched up by such a hand. 28 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,640 I'll do you next! 29 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,440 Me? A portrait? 30 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,080 Oh, how I longed to be painted in life. 31 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,800 What a Christmas gift that will be! Thank you, Alison. 32 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:59,760 No, I... So, what with Mike's family not coming this year, 33 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,040 I thought maybe you'd like to get involved 34 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,200 with one of our festive traditions. 35 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,200 The Button House Christmas quiz! 36 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,720 Yes, yes. 37 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,160 To be honest, we just really want a nice, quiet Christmas this year. 38 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,000 Just me and Mike, without... 39 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,560 Oh, I'll keep the questions light. 40 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,840 It could be something as easy as what's the Captain's name? 41 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,040 We can revise. It's fine. 42 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,880 But for the record, his name is... 43 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,720 What on earth?! 44 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,760 Yeah... Oooh! 45 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,360 What the...? 46 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,680 Hm. 47 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,920 Mm. Who put that there? 48 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,160 Erm, excuse me... 49 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,160 DOG BARKS 50 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,400 Dog! 51 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,160 Alison! Dog in a tent! 52 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,000 That's a tent. Yeah. And that's a dog. 53 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,560 Yeah, I get it. 54 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,400 Do we knock? How do you knock a tent? 55 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,960 DOG BARKS 56 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,960 Oh, oh! 57 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,800 What are you doing? What are YOU doing? 58 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,680 I'm listening to Talk Sport. 59 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,920 No, what are you doing in our garden? 60 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:16,800 Is this is not a field? It's... We... 61 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,400 That's not the point. You're trespassing. Mike... 62 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,160 Right, yeah. OK. Well, don't tell the... 63 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,400 you know, anyone. Yeah, all right, I'll go. 64 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,520 Have you got somewhere to go to, or...? 65 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,360 Well, not really. Yeah, no. Yeah, of course. Sorry. 66 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,720 Erm... 67 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,320 Well, you don't have to go, like, this minute. No? 68 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,920 You can... you could, like, stay for tonight. 69 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,320 Yeah? Just one night. Or two. 70 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,440 Well, that would be... Thank you. Yeah. 71 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,560 Well, I'm Alison, by the way. Sorry. This is Mike. Nicholas. 72 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,600 Of course it is! No, no, no, no, no. 73 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:56,560 I stay. If I here before house, then house on my land. 74 00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:01,240 Ooh! So it's Mike and Alison would be the dress baskets! 75 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,160 Dress baskets. You see? Exactly. 76 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,960 Yeah. Interesting. Mm. 77 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,000 Look, you can't even see it. Yeah. 78 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,360 But we still know it's there. On your land. My land. 79 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,440 Our land. My land! 80 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,040 Look, I don't want to sound all "not in my back yard," 81 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,480 but you really don't want one in your back yard. 82 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:25,480 Or front yard. Or stable yard. Or on any other land you own. 83 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,320 Quite right. Layabout. I mean, where's the discipline? 84 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,960 Where's the pride? 85 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,680 We had one behind Rumbelows back in the day. Yeah. 86 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,000 Right potty mouth. 87 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,920 Chalky dog poos everywhere. 88 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,560 That's typical, I'm afraid. 89 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,520 Well, if you want my opinion... Oh, here we go. 90 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,560 I think you're all being very unfair and judgmental. 91 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,960 What? Well, we have absolutely no idea of the circumstances 92 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,840 that have led this gentleman to his current situation. 93 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,080 Ha! 94 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,720 Did I mention that I happened to cross paths with Adelaide Pembroke 95 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,000 and her delightful daughter, Felicity Wednesday last? 96 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,200 And... Mother... 97 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,280 Well, there's no need to take that tone. 98 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,160 You had no idea what I was about to say. 99 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,320 Felicity's getting married. 100 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,400 No, actually. 101 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,960 But, yes, as it happens. Mother. I refuse to be drawn into... 102 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,440 Seven years your junior, 103 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,560 and Gladys just strides into matrimony with a lord. 104 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,560 ..the same conversation... Lord! 105 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,400 I am utterly delighted for Felicity Pembroke and her mother. 106 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,560 May their smiles be as bright as their minds are dim. 107 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,040 Fanny! How fortunate that the topic of formal education never arose 108 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,520 in that household, since no Pembroke woman in five generations 109 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,360 has had the mental capacity to count the fingers on one hand! 110 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:58,800 Stephanie, the field of mathematics is well served already by men. 111 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,760 I could help Father with the business! 112 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:04,480 Your father is perfectly capable of managing his own financial affairs. 113 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,400 SHE COUGHS 114 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:11,120 Messrs Broadwick and Son are at the door, Ma'am. 115 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,440 Ooh! Son... 116 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,840 Bailiffs, Ma'am. 117 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,120 See? You can see it from the house. Barely. 118 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,840 We don't even use this room. 119 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,200 What even is this room? 120 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,080 It is my room! 121 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,520 Oh... I suppose you're right. 122 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,760 A couple of days there. Yeah, exactly. A couple of days. 123 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,080 And then we'll be back to our cosy Cooper Christmas, just snuggling 124 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,040 by the fire with mistletoe, mulled wine. 125 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,360 You and me... 126 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,800 DOG BARKS 127 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,800 Still here! 128 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,040 Yep. 129 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,600 Is that...? Right, that's it. 130 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,560 Oh, my God! Mike... 131 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,400 What was it? 132 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,640 Morning! Morning. No! 133 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,960 Excuse me! Excuse me, where has that come from? 134 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,760 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say... a bottom? 135 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,840 Well, I hope you're not suggesting that I... 136 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,520 No! I mean, your dog. Actually, where do you...? 137 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,000 No, I mean your dog. But why MY dog? 138 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,400 Haven't any of your other neighbours got dogs? 139 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,280 Oh! Well, yes, actually. It's got loads. 140 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,320 But that's not the point. Well, there you go. 141 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,920 Cos let me assure you, I always bag it and bin it. 142 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,520 I keep a very tight leash on... 143 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,160 Rudy? 144 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,680 Rudy! 145 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,880 DOG BARKS 146 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,880 Rudy! 147 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,280 Rudy? Rudolph! 148 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,760 Alison! Captain! 149 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,840 Anyone! 150 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,040 Just... Erm, just roughly speaking, how much longer do you...? 151 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,840 Thomas, I told you not to choose that pose. 152 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,280 Oh, no, I'm comfortable. Too comfortable, if anything! 153 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,320 I was just wondering if YOU needed a break. 154 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,160 No, I've actually found it quite relaxing. 155 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,720 Question 89. 156 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:03,160 Usually... We all love The Beatles, but which one is Robin's favourite? 157 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,200 Is it A, Stag? 158 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,520 B, dung? Pat... 159 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,320 Do you think maybe this revision is like taking some of the fun 160 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,080 out of the quiz? Oh, not at all. 161 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,200 It should be fun. But go up against Fanny unprepared, 162 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,720 and she'll eat you alive. 163 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,440 OK. Question 90. 164 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,440 Yeah, I think I might just give this a bit of a rest. Yes. 165 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,520 Aahhh! Yes, you clearly needed a little break! Yeah. 166 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,240 CLEARS THROAT 167 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,880 Mrs Cooper, I've been to talk to my lawyer about how long 168 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,200 house been on my land. 169 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:39,640 And she tell me I's gots rights. He's got rights, Alison. 170 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,400 Me cut to chase. We do munch the numbers, 171 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:48,600 and by my calculators, you owe me back rent of... 172 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,000 It's a quazillion pounds and five shillings. 173 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,840 Well, you've just made that number up and you can't spend money. 174 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,960 So... 175 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,240 THEY MUTTER 176 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,920 Right, well, we'll get back to you, then! 177 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,440 HE GASPS 178 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,440 Why?! 179 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,480 HE MUTTERS 180 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,120 What are you doing? What we should have done two weeks ago. 181 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,520 Telling the council. 182 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,760 There's systems in place to help people who've got... 183 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,760 No, I don't know about this. Quite right. 184 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,200 That sort, you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. More! 185 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,720 Hear, hear, hear! 186 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,640 You know, we had a similar problem with some "Right to Roam" types 187 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,680 at the Bramptons. I mean, 700 years is a good innings 188 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,440 for a public footpath. 189 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:38,160 High time it became something else. Like my swimming pool. 190 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,880 Ah, well.... Good to send. 191 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,320 Ready to send. Just press send. 192 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,080 Want to press send? 193 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,920 Look, you said a couple of days, and it became a couple of weeks. 194 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,840 And now it's nearly Christmas. Oh, well, exactly. It's Christmas. 195 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,840 I just... I don't think we can do this now. 196 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,400 It doesn't feel right. All right. 197 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:58,040 Don't make me feel like, what's his face? You, boy! What day is it? 198 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,240 Michael Caine. You do know there's a non-Muppet version of that story? 199 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,840 Yeah, but it's not as good. That's true. 200 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,360 DOG BARKS 201 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,320 Yeah, yeah. 202 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,400 Yeah, no. It's bad, isn't it? It's really, really bad. 203 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,240 I mean, the nose is just weird. 204 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,400 What will I say when she gifts me this upon Christmas morn? 205 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,560 I suppose you'll just have to pretend you like it. 206 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,840 Like I did when Carol bought me that crate of Newkie Brown, 207 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,240 when she knows I like Watney's! 208 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,160 "Thank you, Alison, 209 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,520 "so much for this... 210 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,640 "..magnificent..." 211 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,960 Yeah. Yeah, no, I think... 212 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,800 I think she'd know it's not Watney's...wanted. 213 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,640 Ah, but the truth would break her. My opinion means so much to her. 214 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,880 Well, I'm not much of a fibber, but if it's bare faced lies 215 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,200 you're after, you know who you should talk to? 216 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,080 Yes? 217 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,040 So what, we should just ignore him? 218 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,160 No, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying, 219 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,520 don't get too involved. 220 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,520 Oh, come on, it's just a hot meal. 221 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,680 It's not moving in. 222 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,440 Although... No. It's a security risk. 223 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,160 We don't know anything about him. 224 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,440 I mean, the meal's a nice idea, but... No! My cottage pie! 225 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,480 Mm! Mm! Lovely. 226 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,480 Mm-hm. Yeah. 227 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,480 We've done some thoughts, and there be a new offer on the table. 228 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,440 See, land is mine. 229 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,560 So we take bit of house that actual touch the land, 230 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,240 and the bit that float in the sky... The ups the stairs. 231 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,640 ..yours. So, deal? OK, so how will we get to upstairs 232 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,000 without using downstairs? 233 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,840 We'll be in touch. 234 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,720 Knock, knock. 235 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,960 Oh, hello. I was just making some... 236 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,880 No, I'm sorry. That's a lie. I was... 237 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,160 I brought you a cottage pie. I don't know if you... 238 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,920 Oh! Oh, thank you. That's very... Thank you. 239 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,720 Oh, no, thank YOU. 240 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,400 DOG BARKS 241 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,520 OK. Calm... 242 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,280 Calm. Calm. Alison? 243 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,120 Calm, yeah? Enjoy the meal? 244 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,520 Oh, er, yeah, yes. I was talking to the dog. 245 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,040 Oh, right. Yeah. 246 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,760 Erm... Look, truth be told, I'm just not really a fan 247 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,640 of that kind of thing. I mean, I appreciate... 248 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,920 Beggars can't be choosers! Who do really think you are? 249 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,000 You're a liar. I had my fill of that kind of stuff 250 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,440 when I was in the forces. 251 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,080 Salt of the Earth. Pride of the nation. 252 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,040 We owe him our thanks, actually. I'm sorry, 253 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,360 I don't know why I assumed you'd eat...everything. 254 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,080 Happens all the time. I lost my house, not my taste buds. 255 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,400 Ha-ha, ha-ha! OK, but that is a great cottage pie. 256 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,280 Oh, it's really... 257 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,600 Right, just, wait there. Wait there. 258 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:32,000 There is nothing. No-o-o-thing that cannot be lied about. 259 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:36,720 Or rather, there is no truth that cannot be avoided. 260 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,160 For example, if someone asks you an incriminating question, 261 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,080 simply answer with another question. 262 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,920 Does that actually work? With respect, 263 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,160 The question is, do you want it to work? 264 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,640 You see? Oooh. Give it a go, shall we? 265 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:55,080 Hi, Thomas. The lovely Alison here. Little dress. Peck on the cheek, 266 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,720 maybe? I don't know. 267 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,720 Do you like the lovely painting I've done of you? 268 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:06,280 How could one not like the effort 269 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,440 you put into creating... 270 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,720 ..those beady eyes and wonky chin and the nose! 271 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,560 It's.... OK, OK. OK, we've run before we can walk. 272 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,520 Let's try another approach, shall we? 273 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,520 Mm. Very resourceful. 274 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,640 I mean, more of a commis chef, really. 275 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,080 But, you know, shown me the ropes. 276 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,080 And when I got demobbed, got myself a van, 277 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,600 turned it into a pizza truck. And that led to the restaurant. 278 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,280 Try a bit of that. 279 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,160 Oh, man! That beats cottage pie! 280 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,400 DOG BARKS 281 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,400 Ignore him. 282 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,440 He's got a very unrefined palate. So if you don't mind me asking, 283 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,200 how did you end up...? 284 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,240 Ah. That question. 285 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:55,000 Well, that's another thing I learnt in the forces. 286 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,920 When things go south, you very rarely see it coming. 287 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,160 You cannot do this! Come on, now. 288 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,280 Unhand it! Let it go. Unhand it! Oh, no, it's valuable. 289 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,000 Come on. There you go. 290 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,080 Father! What in heaven's name is going on? 291 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,480 Now, now, now. There's no need for histrionics. 292 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,720 But they're taking away the furniture! 293 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,440 It's just a storm in a teacup! Oh, the tree! 294 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,320 It seems that I... I mean, the business, 295 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,600 has accrued a certain amount of minor debt, 296 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,760 so I have facilitated a means to recoup those losses by investment. 297 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,000 Sellways of Brentford. Bookmaker. 298 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,000 Nebworth and Son. Bookmaker. 299 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,120 Yes, ignore those. Those numbers are wrong. 300 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,120 Trust me, my darling. 301 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,800 None of this adds up. 302 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,360 Yes, it does. 303 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,800 It adds up perfectly. 304 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,120 We have got to get some of those Haribo beans. 305 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,200 Haricot. They are nice. 306 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,680 HE is nice. 307 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,120 I'll tell you what he is. He's wise. 308 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,160 He's a wise man. Yeah. 309 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,680 And I don't use that term... 310 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,360 No! You're kidding me! What? 311 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,240 There's another one. Hey! 312 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,360 Hey! What's all the rumpus? 313 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,160 Oh, I can't believe it! 314 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,520 Ha! Told you. You give them an inch... 315 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,600 That's it. I'm reporting him. Wait. No... 316 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,440 No, he had his chance, he's taken us for mugs. I agree, I agree... 317 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,240 We let him stay, we gave him food... Let him have one more night, 318 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,560 and if he's still there... 319 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,640 One more night, and then in the morning... 320 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,800 We've said you said one more night so many times... 321 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,840 And then we can at least... 322 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,400 You pressed send! I didn't press send. YOU pressed send. 323 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,440 I did not press send. Well, someone pressed send. 324 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,960 How dare you?! 325 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,280 I'm no liberal, but ejecting a vagrant at Christmas? 326 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,200 I would never, ever, stoop so low. 327 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,360 See? Fibbing's easy. 328 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,080 THEY CONTINUE ARGUING 329 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,080 Look, it's done now. 330 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,120 And he's only got himself to blame. 331 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,400 We've been understanding. Very understanding. 332 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,400 Yeah. He forced our hand. Yeah. Well, your hand. 333 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,120 Let's not get into that again. 334 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:18,400 Point is, it's been dealt with and cosy Cooper Christmas is back on. 335 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,360 We can sleep soundly in our... 336 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,440 Did you sleep? Nope. Me neither. 337 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,000 CLEARS THROAT 338 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,240 Mrs Cooper... Alison... 339 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,520 There be a field yonder that does lie fallow. 340 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,160 But it's nice. Is very nice. 341 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,840 Guys, please. 342 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,280 We is proposing that you and the him one go live on it 343 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,280 and we has the house. 344 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,920 Fine. What? 345 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,960 OK, right, then. 346 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:55,920 We have building stuff in order of urgency. 347 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,520 Or the walls will fall down. 348 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:01,480 Then we have utilities, because I assume you want your lights on? 349 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,400 TV licence. 350 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,680 Cos you'd be lost without Loose Women, Mary. And gas bill. 351 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,640 So... Erm... 352 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,680 It's gone. The other tent. 353 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,880 Ooh. 354 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,360 GENTLE KNOCK 355 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,280 Morning. Oh, very Christmassy. 356 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,800 Just to say I had a friend come by last night, last minute thing, 357 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,240 quite late. So he stayed over in the field... in the garden. 358 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,040 But he's gone now. Just in case you've spotted him 359 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,680 and you were... you know. 360 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,240 And, well, I'll be gone soon too, I promise. 361 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,840 I'm sorry, it's taken so long. 362 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,120 You know, I've been trying to sort something out, 363 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,800 but it's a tricky time of year. 364 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,680 Oh, I fixed the outside tap. 365 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,960 There was a drip, so I wrapped some... 366 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,160 DISTANT VOICES 367 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,640 Some... Are they here for me? 368 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,520 We... thought... 369 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,880 Er, well, if you can't... 370 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,360 No, no, no. I understand. 371 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,160 Nicholas, I... 372 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,200 Uhh. 373 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,800 Well, that's it, then. I mean... 374 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,000 ..this is what we wanted, right? 375 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,520 He's gone. 376 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,440 Gone where? To get his reindeer, of course! 377 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,840 And the presents. It's Christmas Eve! 378 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,120 I feel bad. I feel bad. There but for the grace of God... 379 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,800 What can we do? Yeah. What can we do? 380 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,720 And Simeon is in continual dialogue with his creditors, 381 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,080 and now that the dyke has been dammed, I have no doubt at all 382 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,120 that we will bounce back. 383 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,440 But with the banks refusing us credit, 384 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,480 my hope was that you, dear sister, might... 385 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,920 Lavinia... 386 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,880 We wish to help, of course. 387 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,480 Money is not the issue. 388 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:16,200 I fear only that were such a loan to become public knowledge, 389 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:22,760 somehow, the damage to your family reputation would be irreparable. 390 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:29,520 So, for your benefit entirely, I'm afraid we must decline. 391 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,080 I understand. 392 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,360 Quite right. 393 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,200 So sorry. 394 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,360 SHE GIBBERS 395 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,360 Are we to be destitute? 396 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:50,760 Cast out on the street and in such a season! 397 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,520 Lavinia, 398 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,680 may I inquire as to the current circumstances of young Stephanie? 399 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,960 You see, I have a cousin, a wealthy family, 400 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,200 who has this somewhat wayward son... 401 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,160 Do you know the Buttons at all? 402 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,760 He's got like a white beard and looks a lot like... Yeah. 403 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,920 Nick. Used to come round here from time to time. 404 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,480 Not for ages, though. Have you tried St Lawrence's? 405 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,600 Yeah. And Millside. Yeah. 406 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,920 Well, if you do see him, could you give him this, please? Sure. 407 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,520 I mean, if I see him. But people drop off the radar, you know? 408 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,920 Plenty do need help, though, this time of the year. 409 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,160 So... It was specifically him we were... 410 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,320 Nah. It's shot. The filament's gone. 411 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,560 Perfect timing. 412 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,760 I don't suppose you've got a spare oven knocking around, by any chance? 413 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,120 Sorry, man. Yeah. 414 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,320 It was a long shot. No Christmas lunch tomorrow. 415 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,040 Although... What? 416 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,960 Yeah, of course, man. Yeah, come on in. 417 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,320 Merry Christmas. 418 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,680 Merry Christmas, man. 419 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,200 Hey. 420 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,400 Question 219. 421 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,760 What's Pat's favourite sauce? 422 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,840 Is it gravy? It is gravy, yeah. 423 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,880 Well, it was. 424 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,600 You are a terrible cook! 425 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,720 Hey! Nicholas! 426 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:34,200 I'm so sorry, we're so... I know. 427 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,440 I guess we can all be a bit quick to judge, eh? 428 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,160 I thought you were rich, but this place is an absolute... 429 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,320 Well, we're working on it. Come on, shift over. 430 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,840 There's some gravy there that needs rescuing. 431 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,880 Ha-ha! Yes, of course. Parachuting in to save the day! 432 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,480 Take the man out of the Army... I'll teach you a little trick 433 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,440 I picked up in the Navy. Navy? Oh, good lord, no. 434 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:56,240 No, Alison, he's not to be trusted. They're barely even trained. 435 00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:00,280 I mean, it's essentially civilians with fancy hats. 436 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,200 I don't want to wear it. I feel... Nicholas! I'm so sorry. 437 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,000 We're so sorry. I know, I know. Looking good. 438 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,560 Oh, don't. They're grown ups, it's embarrassing. 439 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,320 Rubbish. They love it. 440 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,520 It's easy for you to say. Well, what size are the boots? 441 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,320 I'm telling you - he's in the kitchen. 442 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,280 He's all dressed in red and white... 443 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,680 Oh, Kitty, you dear, sweet thing. 444 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,560 The simple fact is... 445 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,360 Ho, ho, ho! 446 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,360 ALL CHEER 447 00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,520 See? He came! 448 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,960 He always does. 449 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,200 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 450 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:44,320 Right. I think we are good, to... Oh, the Yorkshire puds. 451 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,760 Oh, got it! 452 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,120 Oh, they look great. 453 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,960 Are they enough? Should be. 454 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,760 There's 36 of them and 23 people so that's... 455 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,160 ..everyone gets... 1.5652. 456 00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,480 One and a half ish. 457 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,560 Well, then dinner is served. 458 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,160 OK. 459 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,840 It's so exciting. Let's... Don't fuss, Mother. 460 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,840 This isn't fussing. It's standards! 461 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,120 These people have standards. 462 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,400 I mean, have you seen this place, Fanny? 463 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,200 They've got a ballroom. 464 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,640 A ballroom! 465 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,680 Chin up, chin up. Crushing the collar. 466 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,200 Oh, and that's what's important? 467 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,760 Please, just... 468 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,560 Yeah. 469 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,840 I'm not a stuffed dress, Mother. I have a mind, ambition. 470 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,120 There are other ways out of this. I could learn, I could help Father. 471 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,680 This is how you can help your father. 472 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:46,720 This is how you can help us all! 473 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,160 M'ladies... Mr George Button. 474 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,040 Oh, good evening. Welcome to Button House. 475 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,160 Oh, this one is for you, Humphrey. 476 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,120 Merry Christmas. Oh, thank you! 477 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:04,880 Ha-ha ha! 478 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,400 And click it. Come on! 479 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,120 Click-click! 480 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,160 SNORING 481 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,960 Ah. Asleep on the job, eh? 482 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,760 Typical Navy man. 483 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,840 Who's a good boy? You wouldn't catch someone in the army doing that. 484 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,000 Who's a good boy? You are. You! 485 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,480 Just getting the tea, Mike. 486 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,840 CLEARS THROAT 487 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,400 Mrs Cooper. Alison. 488 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,640 Given the season, which is ridiculous anyway, 489 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,560 we've got tree in the front room and the guy with the beard 490 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,760 come down the chimney... 491 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:45,520 We have decided to gift the land and house thereon, 492 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,720 to you and the man one, on a long term loan. 493 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,240 For a period of... 494 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,160 ..as long as you likes. 495 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,760 So you're going to give a house that you don't have, 496 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,120 to the people who already own it? 497 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:02,240 Exactly. OK. Yeah. Deal. 498 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:07,960 THEY SPLUTTER AND RETCH 499 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,040 Pleasure doing business with you. 500 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,120 Well, we showed her! Oh, yes. 501 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,720 Oh, yeah... 502 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:26,120 I-I should have got someone in, and I think I used the wrong paint 503 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,920 and it's quite hard to... It doesn't matter. 504 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,000 It's still the same girl underneath. 505 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,440 Right. Last present. 506 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,920 OK, I know, I know you're excited, Thomas. 507 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,520 But please bear in mind that I am not a professional. 508 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,120 I hate it. I've seen it, and I hate it. OK. 509 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,080 And I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. 510 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,800 And now I can't unsee it, because it's the worst thing 511 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,160 I've ever seen! Not just the worst painting, 512 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,240 but the worst conceivable thing and I cannot pretend otherwise, 513 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,200 as I just respect you too damn much, Alison! 514 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,960 Right. I see. 515 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:11,160 I wish you'd said before I did the finishing touches. 516 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,760 Wait! It's brilliant! OK, yeah. Don't patronise me. 517 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,120 No, no, no, no, no. Now that it's complete. 518 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,520 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've said your piece. 519 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,000 So I'll just... I'll make sure it never sees the light of day. 520 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,200 But, but... 521 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:30,800 Ooh! 522 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,280 ALL: Oooh! 523 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,640 Merry Christmas to me! 524 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,800 CONVERSATION CONTINUES 525 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,120 Right! Time for the Christmas quiz! 526 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,720 ALL GROAN 527 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,320 Oh, come on, guys. 528 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,160 Oh, shush, shush, shush. Come on, it's Christmas Day. 529 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,080 Yes! Yes! 530 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,360 Question one. 531 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,560 One of us in this room has a third nipple. 532 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,760 A, who is it? And B, where is it? 533 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,960 Oh, no! Well, I don't want to know!