♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
♪ Heaven
♪ I'm in heaven
♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly... ♪
What are you all looking at?
You.
What are you so happy about?
If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.
You're going back to Shady Pines?
No, you moron. She has a date.
Oh.
Is that true, Dorothy? Do you have a date tonight?
Rose, I mean, that's an awfully personal question to... Yes!
Oh, good God. Dorothy Zbornak has a date on a Saturday night
and Blanche Devereaux does not?
That sounds like an idea for a Stephen King book.
Well, I wasn't going to tell you
who I'm going out with tonight
because I thought it might hurt your feelings,
but I realize now that's a plus.
It so happens I'm having dinner
with Dr. Lee Kagan, a medical corporation.
Not our Dr. Kagan?
The Dr. Lee Kagan I love more than life itself?
Dr. Kagan?
Hubba-hubba-zing-zing, baby, he's got everything.
But I've been disrobing in front of Dr. Kagan for three years.
Why would he ask you out when he's seen the promised land?
I really don't know.
Too many squatters?
Don't wait up.
Hold it right there. He's not picking you up?
What kind of guy doesn't pick up his date?
Oh, no, we just decided to meet at L'Auberge. It's no big deal.
Oh, wait just a minute.
This whole thing is a trick, isn't it?
You're just tryin' to make us think you're goin' out with Dr. Kagan.
I am not lying.
You're just jealous about the fact
that I have a date on a Saturday night and you don't.
Saturday night? Kids' stuff.
Get lucky on a Tuesday morning, then call me.
I guess I'm just not attracted to crossing guards.
Dorothy, a guy sets a folding chair up in front of my house,
I want to know more.
Well, I'm off.
If you need something to keep you occupied tonight, Rose,
why don't you take out a good book and see if you can find Waldo?
(LAUGHING)
I've never liked her.
I don't care what Dorothy says.
Any man who doesn't pick a lady up at her home for their date
is a jerk, plain and simple.
Well, yeah, he's obviously a jerk.
Well, he's taking her to L'Auberge.
Jerks love that place.
I went there once with the biggest jerk in the whole world.
It was right after Charlie died.
I had just moved to Miami, I was very vulnerable,
and I did something that I...
I guess was a little dumb.
BOTH: No.
ROSE: I agreed to go out on a blind date.
This is my favorite restaurant.
Have you ever been here before?
No, I'm just starting to get back in the social scene.
And it isn't easy.
There are just so many jerks out there.
You don't have to worry about me.
I'm so normal, I'm dull.
Oh, you're not dull.
I mean, compared to not dating at all.
(CHUCKLING) Rose, maybe I shouldn't say this,
because some day I hope to be a Supreme Court Justice,
but you are quite a babe.
Thank you.
Oh, this is a nice place. Do you come here a lot?
Oh, no, not really.
I don't have much of a social life.
So, this is where you bring your cheap, fake-blonde floozies.
John, you disgust me.
And as far as I'm concerned, we're through.
Who was that?
My sister.
May I recommend the...
The Poulet Veronique?
John, I have a rule. If I can't pronounce it,
I don't put it in my mouth.
Say, do they have gougenflucter?
Alan. Alan, please talk to me.
You haven't answered my calls. You don't answer my letters.
Alan, please. What can I say?
What can I do to get you back?
Alan?
Nickname.
Susan, uh, Susan, please.
Uh, this is not the time or the place.
It's me, isn't it? I've driven you away.
What if I dyed my hair?
I'd even dye it that color.
If they still make that color.
Susan, it's over, and you have to accept that.
And a word of warning, I haven't graded your final exam yet.
So, shall we order separate entrees and share?
Hold it, who was that?
Okay, okay, so I've had
a couple of bad relationships with women.
That's not so unusual.
Now, where is our waiter? Would...
Oh, waiter!
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Well, well, Peter.
We just swing the way the wind blows, don't we?
And who's this? Glinda, the Good Witch of the North?
You disgust me.
After the way you've treated me,
I should scratch your eyes out.
Call me.
Poker buddy.
You know, I don't think this dinner was such a good idea.
Now, Rose, please don't leap to conclusions.
I'm sorry, John, but I think I'll just catch a cab home.
Rose, you're hurting my feelings.
Believe me, this is not what it seems.
John Patrick Anderson is a regular guy.
Shlomo Ziegler? Yes?
You're under arrest.
Your days as the Freeway Flasher are over.
I know what you're thinking, Rose, but you're wrong.
And if I can make bail, I'd love to see you tomorrow night.
I don't think so.
May I call you? I--I get one phone call.
Men.
I think we both need a hug.
Oh, he was such a jerk.
And he was no better on our second date.
I can't believe my pussycat's been out with that guy for three hours.
I'm getting worried.
Maybe I should call the police.
Nah, he's probably okay.
Wow, it's after midnight.
She must be having a good time.
Not necessarily. What do you mean?
Oh, don't you remember a date you and I had a few years back?
Oh, that. New Year's Eve. Uh-huh.
Oh, I remember. You and Dorothy were in New York,
and I had planned to spend the evening alone.
Of course, that was before Blanche brought those two brothers home
from the Rusty Anchor.
How could you do this to me, Blanche?
You knew I wanted to spend tonight alone.
Rose, nobody who says they want to be alone on New Year's Eve
ever really means it.
I did.
Well, you're a freak.
Besides, it's bad luck if you don't get kissed at midnight.
Why, my New Year's Eve kiss is the most important one of the whole year.
It sets the tone for the next 365 days.
One year, I didn't get kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve,
I didn't get lucky till after the Orange Bowl.
Well, if being kissed is all you care about,
why didn't you just stay at the Rusty Anchor?
Oh, it was too crowded.
They threw you out again, didn't they?
Like I'm the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor's mouth.
Hi, fellows.
Here's something you two can nibble on.
And we brought you some hors d'oeuvres, too.
Rose, isn't there something you want to show Arnie
out on the lanai?
Oh, now that you mention it, Blanche...
No, there isn't.
Rose, you remember our signal when I want you to leave?
You wouldn't hit me in front of company.
Come on, Arnie, I--I want to show you the answer to a riddle.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
I don't know. What, Rose?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I'm gonna get you for this, Bob.
Well, Bob, I finally have you all to myself.
Why don't I fix us some drinks, huh?
Actually, I don't drink.
Oh, then I know what'll loosen us up.
We can play a game with my naughty cards from Denmark.
Aces are high and I'm wild.
Well, I really don't gamble either, Blanche.
Oh, believe me. It's no gamble.
But you know what I do like?
I like music.
Music? Well, wonderful, we can dance.
Oh, yeah, we can do one of those hot, sweaty South American dances
they do in the street 'cause they don't have television sets.
Well, you got me again, Blanche. I don't dance.
You don't drink, you don't gamble, you don't dance.
By God, what are you, a priest?
Yes.
So, uh, where are you guys from?
I think I detected an accent.
What does it matter?
Life is just one bottomless pit of muck and despair.
Let me guess. New Jersey?
Rose, I can't pretend, even on New Year's Eve.
The truth is, I recently lost my beloved wife.
She's gone.
And it's on nights like this when it...
It really hits me.
Oh, Arnie, I'm so sorry.
You know, it's moments like this
that it helps to know that time heals all.
You know what else works?
A good back rub.
So I left the priesthood four months ago.
It was a very difficult decision for me.
But after a lot of soul-searching,
everybody agreed that I could do more good on the outside.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So...
I guess these last four months have just been one big party, huh?
(LAUGHING)
Well, I haven't been to any discotheques yet, if that's what you mean.
I guess these last four months have just been one big party, huh?
(LAUGHING)
Well, I haven't been to any discotheques yet, if that's what you mean.
Actually, my brother Arnie dragged me out tonight.
This is my first date.
You mean...
Your first date ever?
That's right. I've never been with a woman.
Well, not in the biblical sense.
Whoops, there I go again.
You can take the boy out of the seminary...
Let me get this straight.
Um...
You've never...
Never, ever?
Not once.
Have you even thought about it?
Only all the time.
To be honest, I've never even seen a naked lady.
So what we're saying here is,
you're a virgin?
A virgin.
Oh, God.
This brings out the artist in me.
So you can imagine how relieved Farmer Gunlinger was
when he looked up and saw it wasn't his cow up in that tree.
(SOBBING)
Arnie, what... What's the matter?
The cow story.
My wife's name was Elsie.
Oh, Arnie, I'm so...
How can I make you feel better?
You know what would make me feel better?
You could hold me.
Now, how's that?
Better.
Here we go.
You know, Blanche, you really don't have to do this.
Oh, but I want to, Bob.
Your first time should be really special.
You need a woman who won't make you nervous
or put unrealistic demands on you.
A woman who'll be tender and kind and gentle.
Where the heck is that riding crop?
Are you sure this is helping you get over your grief?
I think so.
But you know what would make me feel even better than this?
What?
A--A kiss. A New Year's Eve kiss.
Oh, I don't know.
In memory of my late wife.
When you put it that way, I...
Now, you know what would make me feel really great?
So, tell me how you're feelin', Bob.
Nervous. Excited.
Spiritually confused.
Did I mention excited?
Let the games begin.
Oh, boy.
So, how do I start?
Oh, how do we start, Bob.
Well, 98 times out of 100,
I think the best way to start is with a kiss.
What are the other two?
Baby steps, Bob. Baby steps.
Oh, boy.
(EXCLAIMS) You are gross and disgusting
and you make my skin crawl.
You can help me change.
Rose, what's going on?
Oh, well, Arnie thinks I'm gonna sleep with him because his wife died.
Hold it, Elsie's not dead.
She's at a fat farm in Sarasota.
Now the truth's out, Rose, don't you feel sorry for me?
Get out!
Call you? Get out!
What is it with men?
Why would you want to have sex with somebody
you've only known a few hours?
Rose.
Why can't they understand that sex is no good
if it isn't with someone you love?
Rose.
Oh, the very thought of it makes me feel dirty.
Rose!
Oh, gosh. She's right. I do feel dirty.
Well, don't worry. You'll get used to it.
Blanche, I'm going home,
getting down on my knees, and begging for forgiveness.
Yeah, we can do that.
Wait!
(EXCLAIMS)
But I didn't get my New Year's kiss,
and it's almost midnight!
Darn it.
I gotta kiss somebody at midnight.
MAN ON TV: Five, four, three, two, one...
Happy New Year!
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
Don't even think about it.
So what you're saying is, this guy was a jerk because he didn't sleep with you?
Well, yeah. What did you think I was sayin'?
Gosh, it's gettin' late.
I bet it's after 1:00 and Dorothy's not home.
I guess Dr. Kagan's turning out to be wonderful.
Or maybe he drugged her and sold her into white slavery.
Either way, I'm glad she's out of the house.
Now, sit back and listen, I got a jerk story.
Okay.
Picture it. Brooklyn, 1948.
My friend's son was helping me out around the house.
I was expecting Dorothy home from the library any minute.
I finished stacking those crates for you, Mrs. Petrillo.
Thank you, Myron. You're a good kid.
In fact, before you go, I'd like to have a little talk with you. Sit.
As you know, Myron,
I've always thought of you as a bright, polite young man.
Talented, ambitious, smart...
I'm not going out with your daughter, Mrs. Petrillo.
You've got to, Myron.
She's spending too much time with this yutz named Zbornak.
She has to see what a real date is like.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Petrillo. She's just not my type.
I see.
Uh, how about Mr. Hamilton. Is he your type?
What time should I pick her up?
7:30, and buy her something pretty.
Okay, but if you want me to kiss her good night,
it's gonna cost you extra.
But no tongue.
Ah, what the hell?
Oh, look, my beautiful daughter is home from school.
Hello, pussycat, Sam.
It's Stan, Mrs. Petrillo.
Yeah, right. Now find someone who cares.
Ma, we've got something really important to tell you.
It can wait. Dorothy, you remember Myron, don't you?
Listen, Ma. We gotta talk now.
Don't be rude, Dorothy, we have a guest.
Don't you have something to say, Myron?
Uh, Dorothy, I was wondering if you would do me the honor
of going out with me tomorrow night?
Well, what do you say, Dorothy?
I'm pregnant.
This is gonna cost a lot more.
Deal's off, Myron. You better go.
Okay. But what about this?
Hush money.
Honestly, Mrs. Petrillo, I don't know how this happened.
Hmm, let's see.
Did you both drink out of the same cup?
Stanley, go into the kitchen.
I wanna talk to Ma in private.
I'm sorry, Ma.
I know I've disappointed you.
How could you let this happen, Dorothy?
How could you throw everything away for an hour's worth of passion?
I don't know. It just sort of...
What do you mean an hour's worth?
It's supposed to take an hour?
And what happens to your dream?
You were gonna be the first Petrillo to go to college.
You were gonna be a teacher. I'm still gonna be a teacher, Ma.
This won't change that.
Now, when you say an hour, does that include everything?
Oh, God, Dorothy, we've gotta get you married.
Stan's asked me to marry him.
But who? Who could we get? Who? Who? Who?
I told Stan yes.
Did you sign anything?
Ma...
I guess we have no choice.
My baby is having a baby.
I can't believe it.
Ma,
I'm scared.
Look, pussycat,
even though it's gonna hurt a lot, and I do mean a lot,
there's something very special about bringing a new life into this world.
And this child's got a lot of love waiting for him right here.
Thanks, Ma.
I don't believe I did this.
And I hate his name.
For the rest of my life I'm gonna be Dorothy Zbornak.
Ah, come on, pussycat, look on the bright side.
At least he's got a full head of hair.
Wow, Sophia. That was some story.
Yes, it was. Funny, touching, with a surprise twist ending.
I wonder if it was true.
Ah, damn that stroke.
Oh, Dorothy, you're home.
Well, doesn't anyone want to hear how my date turned out?
Oh, honey, was it just terrible?
Oh, sweetheart, you can tell us.
It was wonderful.
Really? Where is Dr. Marvelous?
What kind of a man doesn't walk a girl to the door?
One who's too exhausted to walk.
Dorothy Zbornak, I am shocked, and I want details.
I tell you the night was just magical.
We laughed, we danced,
we drank, we cried, we did it all. Even...
No, I can't tell you. I'm too shy.