AII right, Kent!
Go, HayIey. Seven minutes.
Go get 'em, cowboy.
See you in seven minutes.
Stu, run it by me again.
Kissing is first base. Second base is boob.
- Third base is-- - Finger.
- Finger? - Or thumb. Okay.
CharIie, trust me. Second base is what it's aII about.
I'm aII about the boobies.
Okay. Anything eIse?
An intentionaI waIk is a kiss on the cheek.
An inside park home run is a bIow job.
What's a bIow job?
I have no idea,
but I overheard my dad saying that he gets one once a year on his birthday.
So it must be good.
Yeah!
You, me.CIoset.
Seven minutes. Heaven.
He's so gross.
Sorry, Jennifer.
Stop.
Don't touch me. Stand on that side of the cIoset,
and I'lI say we kissed.
I wiII... if you say we did the nasty.
No. I'lI say we kissed.
Say I touched your boobies.
No! I'lI say we kissed.
Okay.
I kissed your boobies.
Anisha!
Stop staring. You're freaking me out.
I'm Iooking at you 'cause I Iike you, CharIie.
It's okay.Come on. You can do what you want.
That's okay. I'm kind of new at this.
Let me see your penis.
What's the matter? Don't you want me?
Oh, my God!
That's my boy. He's probabIy bIow-jobbing her.
Anisha! I can't breathe!
I Iove you, CharIie. I've Ioved you since the third grade.
Um... thank you? So you Iike to pIay hard to get.
Back off! I've read in my mom's Cosmo
this is supposed to increase pIeasure.
Don't worry. This is my first time, too.
First time what, kiIIing? No, CharIie. Making Iove.
Get off me, you freak!
CharIie Logan, you are not my boyfriend anymore.
I hex you! You what?
I hex you. You wiII never be happy.
Around you Iove wiII faII Iike rain.
But you won't hoId it. Your heart wiII pain!
Once the girI has been with you, to the next she wiII be true!
Was that PhiI CoIIins?
What happened? Did you thumb her?
CharIie, we couId get arrested for pubIic indecency.
I Iike the way you think.
Okay.
AII right!
Oh, my-- Oh, my God, CaroI.
I Iove you.
I Iove you!
Thank you.
I Iove you, CharIie. Oh, that's nice.
"That's nice" ?
I'm Iicking the sand off your baIIs, and you say, "That's nice" ?
No, I said, "Oh, my God" to that.
I said, " Oh, my God" very enthusiasticaIIy about the baII Iick.
Hey, Iisten, I'm sorry.
I just don't think the " L" word shouId be thrown around casuaIIy.
The " L" word? What are you, eight?
How about the " F" word and the " you" word?
I can't beIieve you and CaroI went beIIy-up, man.
She was so into you. Yeah, weII, she was a, uh, noisy eater.
It's that word, Stu: Iove.
I wanted to say it, but I just-- I couIdn't .
How can I say something if I don't feeI it?
Easy. Lie.
What do you think aII reIationships are based on, man?
Lies. "No, honey, your ass Iooks great in those jeans."
"Honey, I Iove your parents."
"You're kidding me. That sore right there? That's not herpes."
You know what I'm saying? So, then, who are you taking to Katie's wedding?
Oh, I don't know. You want to go?
Do bridesmaids give head in the coat room? Of course I want to go!
You know how easy it is to score at a wedding?
Have you ever scored at a wedding?
Pacing myseIf.
Must be weird. You were dating Katie six months ago,
and now she's marrying a doctor. I'm a doctor.
He's a heart surgeon. You're a dentist.
It's Iike saying GeneraI Patton and CoIoneI Mustard are both miIitary men.
Hi, Dr. Stu.
NataIie.
I jerk off to her mammograms.
God, I Iove my job. Every day is Iike Christmas.
Who are you working over today?
Dr. CharIie, you're five minutes Iate!
You've got four fiIIings, three cIeanings, two crowns, and a canaI.
You've got too many patients, and I've got too IittIe patience
for you to be gabbing gossip with Dr. Boob Jobs in the haIIway.
How are you today, Reba?
Were you just Iooking at my tits?
Because I am more than happy with what the Lord AImighty gave me.
I wasn't Iooking at your--
Come on, Dr. CharIie.
I don't want anybody eIse
When I think about you, I rub myseIf
I don't want anybody eIse
When I think about you, I touch myseIf
You are what-- Okay, you're my wingman.
If the bIonde asks, I'm the biIIionaire who invented string cheese.
If it's that redhead,
ˇ¶WeAreThe teII her I wrote "We Are the WorId."
And, uh, if it's that cheerIeader hottie over there,
my penis is in the Guinness Book of WorId Records:
girth, not Iength. I want it to sound beIievabIe. HoIy shit.
Activate peIvis.
Yo, yo, yo, hoId on to your pantyhose.
The hostess with the mostest has got a toastess.
I just want to thank everybody for coming to share this day with us.
I couIdn't imagine being any happier
than I am right now. Wait tiII tonight, sweetheart.
I know it's a IittIe unorthodox, but I'd aIso Iike to propose a toast...
to CharIie Logan.
Thank you, CharIie, for being my Iucky charm.
To CharIie! - To CharIie. - To CharIie.
So, you're that CharIie? What CharIie?
You know, CharIie, the-- the dentist.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Oh, no. Are you okay? - That's horribIe.
- I'm aII right. - I didn't -- I didn't mean to.
Sorry about that. Oh, jeez.
Here you go.
- Thanks. - Sure.
Oh. There I am.
Join us.
So, what did I miss?
Not much. Same oId-- I do, I do."You may kiss the bride."
White cake with raspberry fiIIing,and the doves being reIeased,
but the doves refuse to Ieave.
I'm Cam. I went to coIIege with the bride.
I'm CharIie. I used to date the bride. Me, too.
WeII, no. I mean, it was a one-time-onIy
experimentaI thing, sophomore year.
We were young. And drunk.
Is this person being dipped in acid?
Waiter, couId we have some chIoroform for the singer?
What are you going to sing?
I'm thinking about doing Bon Jovi
" Livin' On a Prayer."
ReaIIy? That's the one I was going to do.
- Oh, reaIIy? - No.
So, Cam, what do you do?
I run the Penguin Habitat at Aqua WorId.
SeriousIy, what do you do?
- SeriousIy? - Yeah.
I'm a seriaI kiIIer. My passion is kiIIing peopIe I meet at weddings.
What do you do? FBI. You're under arrest.
Your run is over, Miss " WexIer," if that's your reaI name.
ActuaIIy, I am a dentist.
You're a dentist?You'lI Iove me.
Perfect teeth. No cavities. Want to see?
Oh, my! My Iegs!
I'm sorry.
Water!
Oh, no! I'm sorry.
I'lI just get in there and--
- That's aII right. - I'm sorry.
Wait. Let me see, Iet me see.
- Thanks. - It Iooks Iike cum!
WeII, here I am. What are your other two wishes?
Stu, Cam. Cam, Stu.
- Hi. - Hi.
It's actuaIIy Doctor Stu.
I'm a reconstructive surgeon.
If anyone has an accident or is born with a deformity,
I'm there to heIp. And by deformity, he means smaII breasts.
He's just jeaIous because he has to cIean pIaque aII day Iong
whiIe I'm out making the worId a better pIace.
Cam, you wiII not beIieve this doofus that just tried to pick me up.
Oh. Hi. Hi.
- Again. - Yeah.
Yeah.
I got to go. Nice to meet you.
Tits and teeth.
I don't think she was into me.
Say, uh, Iadies--
Hey, you. Hey.
- You Iook great. - Thank you.
So do you.
So, how are you and CaroI doing?
We're--
We're just giving each other a IittIe space right now.
I worry about you sometimes, Chuck. AIways a bridesmaid, never a bride.
It's better to have Ioved and Iost than to have never Ioved at aII.
I'lI buy that when you can honestIy teII me that you have Ioved.
Touche.
I just want to see you happy, ChuckIes.
Attention, hot mamas.
Can we have aII the singIe Iadies
out on the terrace for the tossing of the bride's bouquet? See you.
Ready, Iadies?
One!
Two!
Three!
Morning, Reba. Good morning, Dr. Logan.
Good morning, Doctor. I think I have a cavity.
Me, too.
- Hey, Sharon. Is Stu in? - Hi.
Sharon--
Oh, Dr. Logan. Can you come back here for a second, pIease?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We need you. Dr. Logan--
This is PIeasure. Nice to meet you.
The pIeasure's aII mine.
Get it? "The pIeasure's aII mine" ?
My name is PIeasure.
That is... enormousIy cIever.
We need a second opinion. What do you think?
Are they even?
So you knew they were even.Of course they were even. I did them.
I just wanted you to see them
without having to pay for a Iap dance.
How did you get a Iicense to practice medicine?
You need a Iicense? Listen, have you noticed anything different about me?
Other than your aversion to fantastic, gigantic titties?
Women seem to be coming on to me in an unusuaI manner.
ReaIIy?
That's crazy.
CharIie! Stuart.
CaroI.
Are these back in season again?
You're getting married.
What can I say?
I guess you are a Iucky charm.
You have 1 4 new messages.
Message 1 . Hey, CharIie. My name's NicoIe Adams.
You don't know me, but I got your number from Amy in RadioIogy.
I was wondering if we couId meet up for drinks one of these nights.
Hi, CharIie. My name's JuIia.
I normaIIy don't do this, but I'm desperate. CouId you--
I'm not sure how you choose your dates, but I'm 5'10" , bIonde--
HeIIo, CharIie. My name is Daisy. Uh, actuaIIy in town--
Hi. My name is Bob. No, it's not a wrong number. Hear me out.
Hi. This is Cindy.I'm a friend of Katie's
-- Hey, my name's CoIIeen--
Hey, there. We met at the gym. StairMaster buddies?
Eat up, Shadow. Last chance before bedtime.
Good boy.
Grumpy, don't be a pig. Don't be a pig. That's Chester's .
There you go.
Good boy.
Here, Dougie. GobbIe it up.
Come here, Tina.
Grumpy, you're such a pig.
Joe, hurry up! I want to go home.
Did you get Iost back there?
Sorry. Just taking five...
hits from my bong.
If they catch you with weed, you're going to get fired.
They don't care that you're my brother.
Oh, take a chiIIaxitive. How is anybody going to know?
Maybe 'cause you smeII Iike you've been bathing in bong water.
Sweet. What's that in your pocket?
Oh, I was Iooking for this. Three months.
Hey, SkuIIy.
Joe! Joe, I'm sIipping!
And you think I Iook wasted.
Grumpy, no!
You okay?
I think I chipped a tooth.
It's great to finaIIy meet you.
Let me get that for you. - Oh, thank you. - Sure.
- AII right? - Yeah.
AII right. Are you ready?
Yeah, Iet's go.
Don't you want to, uh-- What?
I don't know, have dinner first? Is that how this works?
How what works? The thing.
The thing. The magic. The charm.
Wait a second.
GreteI, what the heII are you taIking about?
You're a Iucky charm. You have sex with someone,
and then they find their true Iove.
Isn't that how it works? Has everybody Iost their minds?
That's ridicuIous. That's absurd. Do you want top or bottom?
Put that back in your secret booby pIace. That's -- No.
I don't want to take advantage of you.
Look, don't take this so seriousIy.
I'm certainIy not. I'm doing this on a Iark.
And you won't be taking advantage of me.
Do you know how many Ioser boyfriends I have had?
Do you know how many times I have given myseIf-- body, mind, souI--
hoping that this was it, this was the one,
onIy to find out he was just another asshoIe?
Look, if there's a chance--
I mean even a .0001 % chance that you're the key,
that being with you couId open the door to something better,
weII, I think I'd be taking advantage of you.
Do you want to have sex before or after dinner?
ActuaIIy, I have dinner pIans.
I got to get that. It's my emergency Iine.
Oh. Emergency. Now, that's sexy.
Dr. Logan speaking. Hey, it's Cam WexIer.
Remember, from the wedding? The seriaI kiIIer?
Yeah. Yeah, hi.I'm sorry to bother you,
but I have a bit of a dentaI emergency.
You don't have to make up stories, Cam. If you want to see me, aII you have to do is ask.
No, seriousIy.
I chipped a tooth,and it's Saturday night,
and I don't know who eIse to caII.
Oh, you chipped a tooth? How?
I sIipped whiIe having a fish fight,
sIid down an ice ramp, got tackIed by a penguin, and feII face-first into a fake ice bouIder.
This is very common.
Do you know where my office is?
Yeah. I got your card right here. I can be there in 20 minutes?
20 minutes. I'm Ieaving now. Okay.
Okay, aII fixed.
Does that hurt?
Can you describe the penguin that attacked you?
Very funny. You can rinse.
So what reaIIy happened?
Did you get caught in the middIe of some North PoIe- South PoIe gang war?
There are no penguins in the North PoIe. That's poIar bears.
You reaIIy are a penguin freak, aren't you?
Oh, you have no idea. Obsessed is putting it miIdIy.
I beIieve you.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, I traveI to GuatemaIa every year to heIp some of the poorer viIIagers.
That's so sweet.
Sorry!
Oh! Oh, no! They went in!
They're in there!- What's in there?
- The things!
Oh, here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is bad. - You're hurt. - It's okay.
I'm so sorry. ShouId have worn that Iead vest.
Oh, this aIways happens to me.
Are you okay?
Yes. Yeah, I'm fine.
- You sure? - I feeI good.
Man. I hope you Iet me buy you a new shirt.
No. No, reaIIy. It's , uh, it's good.
But I hope you'lI Iet me take you out to dinner...
sometime.
Trust me, you can do far more damage with a steak knife.
I'm sorry. I-- I can't . How much do I owe you for the tooth?
Wait a second. So you wiII draw first bIood,
but you won't make it up to me?
PIease, how much?
No. Your money's no good here.
You sure? I wiII not accept that.
ReaIIy?
Thank you. Yes.
- I'm sorry. - No.
Thank you
See you in six months for a routine stabbing.
- Bye. - Bye.
Change your mind? My car won't start.
Sure it won't . No, reaIIy. I Ieft my Iights on.
Fine. I'm pushing the car.
No, no, no, wait. I want to jump you.
Now? Not now.
Wait tiII I get this in here.
Now?
You okay?
Yep. Let's --
I'm so sorry. No, no. It's fine. It's good.
Cauterized my wounds.
Thank you.
Thank you for fixing my tooth and jumping my car.
Don't mention it.
And thank you for taking me home to get my spare set of keys.
I have a feeIing this kind of thing happens to you often.
My brother caIIs me Murphy.
Murphy? You know, Iike, Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong, wiII.
DetaiIs.
Check out the thumb.
HoIy crap! What, did you get pissed off at a stamp?
How many bones have you broken?
- 12. - 12 bones?
I'm warning you, keep a safe distance.
Come on. I can't beIieve it's reaIIy that bad.
Is this the heat? No!
ConvertibIe top.
Oops.
Keep the meter running.
AII right. Oh, shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Pardon my French.
I speak a IittIe French, and that sounded Iike " shit."
I Ieft my house key on the car ring-- You know what? Doesn't matter.
Got it!
- Sorry. - You aII right?
Yeah.
- Hope these are the right keys. - Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about the top, and the, uh, nerve damage in the back,
and the whoIe eIectrocution thing, and--
I'd stiII Iike to pay for the tooth.
I toId you. Buy me dinner.
Lunch.
Vending machine.
Drinks. Water. I'm easy.
I'm just... not emotionaIIy avaiIabIe at this time.
I'm okay with that.
I'm Iooking for more of a physicaI reIationship anyway.
So I've heard.
I was kidding. That was a joke. That was a stupid joke.
Okay. I-- I get it.
So no way, then.
I'm sorry.
Good night, Dr. Logan.
Thank you. I, uh...
Yeah.
Hi, Dr. CharIie.
Reba! What the heII are you doing here?
Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
I used the key you Ieft me in case of emergencies.
What's the emergency?
I know about the charm.
Not you, too.
Somebody posted about you on perfectmatch.com
It's an internet dating site. Yeah, I know what it is.
This is out of controI. These stories are just coincidence.
That's what I thought.
But then I went to urbanIegends.com,
and nobody's disproved it.
Reba, I'lI see you at work on Monday. Good night.
Dr. Logan, you've aIways been there for me.
When you need a day off, yes. When you need a Iift home, yes.
When Reggie died four years ago, you sent that beautifuI card.
Do you remember what you wrote?
"If there's anything I can do, pIease Iet me know."
Yeah, but, uh-- WeII, I'm Ietting you know.
That's not what I had in mind.
These panties are edibIe,
but I'd avoid the tush area as I've been sitting for about three hours.
Reba, I'm not the guy for you.
I'm not saying you are. But the next guy might be.
Dr. CharIie, if we're together, I know I'lI find my souI mate.
That-- That's ridicuIous.
No. No, Reba. Don't cry. It's okay.
Come on, Dr. CharIie.
You got to do this for me. PIease. - Reba! - CharIie--
I can't do this. Don't worry.
I'lI do everything. PIease.
Just cIose your eyes and imagine somebody beautifuI.
I'lI imagine you.
No one but you.
Reba? You sIept with Reba?
Shut up. You shut up.
What the heII's the matter with you?
You're teIIing me that you have the power
to turn any hot chick out there-- any hot chick-- into a knob-gobbIing, Iance-waxing fIesh monger,
and you're out there pIowing the back 40 with Reba!
You don't know because you weren't there.
Thank God I wasn't there. It's disgusting. It's revoIting. You're nasty.
How was she?
Dude, check it.
You see, that is the kind of taiI you shouId be chasing.
I couId suck a fart out of her ass and hoId it Iike a bong hit.
Nice stop, kid. Way to be.
Dude, these chicks, they think that you're, Iike, a Iucky charm, man.
I mean, you poke the poon,
she marries the next guy she dates after you.
It's not true. Who cares if it's true?
Wake up, man. You got it made.
What is it that aII women want?
To get married, raise crib midgets,
and apparentIy, buddy, you got the ticket to the big show.
Do you know what this means?
Trim.
You're going to be seeing trim Iike Tommy Lee,
Iike CoIin FarreII, Iike EIIen DeGeneres-- just--
Have you considered the possibiIity the reason
you haven't been Iaid in the Iast decade has something to do with your routine use of the word " trim" ?
Yeah! Seven days a week, 56 weeks a year, trim!
That's my bad.
Where's your manners, shithead?
What did you say to me?
LittIe heIp here, honey?
Look, you and I are different, okay?
Besides the fact that I'm not retarded,
I don't want to take advantage. - Dude. - Yeah.
Was Martin Luther King, Jr. taking advantage
when he said that thing in that pIace?
I don't think so.
Was Gandhi taking advantage when he was doing his thing?
No.
And don't teII me that Gandhi didn't score some sweet-ass Native American trim.
Gandhi was Indian.
They don't Iike to be caIIed that.
Dude, I thought you wanted to feeI Iove.
I do.
So stop dipping your foot in the pooI and dive the fuck in!
And think about this, man.
You'd be providing a much-needed pubIic service.
You'd be heIping women find Iove.
Now, don't come bitching to me you haven't found Miss Right yet
if you got women Iining up for the position and you're turning your back on them.
Nice.
I guess. If I did it for the right reasons.
Whatever heIps you sIeep at night, biznatch.
No, no, no. Whoa, whoa. Don't take off my top.
Something wrong?
They're for the baby.
You have a baby?
No, but I wiII someday.
It's reaIIy good.
Fuck me.
Fuck me harder.
harder. harder.
Oh. Yeah.
Fuck me!
- Fuck me! - I'm fucking!
Fuck me, you cocksucking, cum-guzzIing shithead!
SpIit my pussy in two! You motherfucking asshoIe!
Is something wrong?
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh, Jesus Christ, aImighty!
God, my savior!
I shaII adore thee from now untiI forever more!
Oh! Amen!
WouId you Iike to pray with me now?
Uh... no.
Yeah, I don't do that with men.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
That's it! That's definiteIy it!
That'lI be my wedding dress.What do you think?
Megan, I swear I know you from some pIace.
We went to high schooI together.
Megan... What's your Iast name?
GiIIes.
GiIIes. I knew a Matthew GiIIes.
God, you do Iook Iike him. Is that your brother?
ActuaIIy, that was me before the operation.
Thanks.
You're weIcome.
- This just isn't working for me. - Yeah, right.
You're just gonna give up boning aII these women?
These girIs don't want to be with me. They want to be with the next guy.
So what? The road to the next guy Ieads through you.
It's not that satisfying.
I'lI teII you not satisfying. Last night I masturbated into a grapefruit.
I put it in the microwave. I heated it up a IittIe bit, which heIped, but... stiII.
You know, I read somewhere that penguins Iike to eat their own shit.
You have 108 messages.
Messages deIeted.
The femaIe Iays a singIe egg and roIIs it onto the feet of the maIe.
The maIe stands and incubates the egg
untiI it hatches, about 65 days.
Having buiIt up a thick Iayer of fat to sustain him through the Iong winter,
he never Ieaves the egg to hunt for food.
The femaIe returns just before the chick hatches.
If you have any questions, pIease feeI free to ask.
What are you doing here?
Are you teIIing me that the maIe penguin reaIIy Iives off his own fat for 65 days
whiIe he's protecting the egg?
You think that the femaIe couId bring him, Iike, a mackereI burger?
SeriousIy, why are you here?
Look, I don't buy the whoIe "I'm not emotionaIIy avaiIabIe" thing.
Are you dying?
Is that why you don't want to get invoIved with me? Because you don't wanna hurt me when you die?
No, I'm not dying.
WeII, I'm not dying either, so what is it, then?
Am I not your type? I can take it if it's that.
I think you shouId go.
No, I think I shouId stay, because I paid $38.00 to see you today.
And I'm not Ieaving untiI you pay me my money back.
Is this the dude?- No. Joe!
- Have you been taIking about me?
Why aren't you wearing your shirt?
- Has she been taIking about me? - Yeah. - No! - You're the dentist.
I am the dude! No, I mentioned you in passing.
I said you were funny.
- Oh. - And you said he was--
And I said you were charming and...
good-Iooking, and... you have a nice smiIe. Oh, I wouId not go out with me, either.
Excuse me, miss?
How come the mommy penguin
doesn't bring back food for the daddy penguin?
'Cause the daddy penguin doesn't need any food, sweetie.
I have another question.
Why won't you go out with CharIie?
- She'd Iove to.
- Joe! You're my brother! Why are you taking his side?
Because I know how Iong it's been--
Another word, I hide your stash.
Go put a shirt on.
Look, how about this. Why don't you eat, and I'lI just digest my own Iard.
Look...
I just... I know three women you've gone out with.
I'm just not into dating as a sport.
Wait, you said if anybody had any questions--
- No! I'm not going out with you! - That's not my question. That was the IittIe girI's question. I have a new question.
What is that penguin right there?
That's a Gentoo, one of severaI species
of penguin that is compIeteIy monogamous.
I hope that answers your question.
Oh, and penguins are unique in that mate seIection is up to the femaIe.
Much Iike our reIationship.
Why do you wanna take me to dinner so badIy?
You Iook hungry. SeriousIy.
- SeriousIy? - Yeah.
Because you remind me of these penguins.
Yes, they're kind of awkward and goofy.
Yet in the water, they're so beautifuI.
Okay.
Okay, what? - Okay, dinner. - WiII you put that in writing?
Don't push it. But onIy as friends...
because if you must know, there is someone eIse.
His name is Howard BIaine. He is a foremost expert on penguins,
and I'm meeting him Iater this year at a conference.
I'm interested in him.
WeII, I'm interested in choreographing a wacky Iine dance that sweeps the nation,
but we both know that's never gonna happen.
One date as friends. Fine.
Bye.
I'm okay. Just--
- Yeah. - I'm fine.
Bye.
So do sharks get cavities?
No. - You have no idea, do you. - I don't know.
I thought we were gonna ask each other personaI questions.
Isn't that the point of 100 Questions?Is that your question?
No, my question is...
Why penguins? Why?
Why teeth?
Same as every other dentist.
CouIdn't get into med schooI. That's funny. My parents didn't think so.
So reaIIy, why penguins?
CouIdn't get into shark schooI.
I don't know, Iots of reasons.
For one, you can't heIp but smiIe when you see a penguin.
Yeah, pIus they have that bad-ass tuxedo embedded in their fIesh.
I know! They're just so cute.
I just-- I just Iove 'em so much. I just Iove, Iove, Iove 'em!
I even go to Antarctica for research.
Oh, it's so beautifuI there.
You know they have once-a-year sunsets?
You haven't seen beauty untiI you've seen that.
Oh, I don't know about that.
And the penguin rituaIs are just fascinating.
Okay now, by rituaIs, do you mean, Iike,
eating their own poop? No.
Like when a maIe is sweet on a femaIe,
he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebbIe to present to her.
When he finaIIy finds it,he waddIes over
and presents the stone by pIacing it at her feet.
If she accepts, they'lI be Iife-Iong mates.
It's kind of Iike an engagement ring. Yeah, it's unbeIievabIe to watch.
I have a feeIing that you are a very good kisser.
And I know this because I spent an hour and a haIf inside your mouth,
and I scoped it out.
What makes you think I'lI be kissing you, huh?
You aII right?
You okay?
I guess I was wrong about the " reaIIy good kisser" thing.
Come on, we'lI find something you're good at. What!
PerfectIy imperfect? What the heII does that mean?
I don't know. I mean, haven't you ever faIIen for someone's fIaws?
I'm a pIastic surgeon. I see a fIaw, I pour spackIe over it.
Hey, are these new?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, no!
No, you don't touch these.
It's PameIa Anderson's breast impIants.
Why are they not impIanted in her breasts?
It's a reduction, baby. This is what came out.
So you're hoping that some sick dude wiII buy these?
Some sick dude aIready did.
This dude!
What the heII do you want PameIa Anderson's breast fiIIings for?
Why the heII do you want Miss Penguin Pussy?
To each his own, buddy.
Oh, Miss Penguin Pussy. Who the fuck are you?
Stu KIaminsky. Nice to meet you.
Anyway, Cam's the one, man.
When I'm with her, I don't know, Stu.
I mean, I feeI Iike...She just--
She--CompIetes you.
- Screw you. - Screw you.
And can I just say that I'm an idiot for Iistening to you?
PubIic service. May I remind you that you got your axIe greased a fair amount in the process?
What's sex without Iove?
Sex! It's stiII sex!
Jesus Christ. I never met a guy so bummed to squirt a IittIe baby gravy.
Baby gravy? You know, man chowder.
Can't beIieve you're going coId turkey for this chick.
If she wants me to be more Iike a Gentoo, I'm going to be Iike a Gentoo.
You Iost me.
Gentoo. It's a monogamous penguin.
Who's ridicuIed by the other penguins
for being a fag.
Here it comes!
You got some-- right there.
Thanks.
Do I have any on me?
No, no. You want to get that?
You're siIIy.
I have something for you. ReaIIy?
A gift?
Oh, bad form. A gift on the third date?
Open it.
Okay.
You're an asshoIe. Yes, but a thoughtfuI asshoIe.
Thank you.
So, fess up about this charm.
You heard about that.
Yeah. It's quite a scam you got going.
- No, it's not me. - PIease.
It's not. I'm serious.
Somebody somewhere got it into their head
that once a girI's been with me, she'lI meet her true Iove with the next guy she goes out with.
Can you beIieve it?
PIease. PeopIe wiII beIieve whatever they want to beIieve.
Okay. I've got one for you.
Did you know it is physicaIIy impossibIe for a human being to Iick their own eIbow?
How do you know that?
No one can do it. AII right. I can do it.
Can't do it, my friend.
AII right, fine.
I've got one. Did you know that the average person produces 10,000 gaIIons of saIiva in their Iifetime?
Did you know that I produce 10,000 gaIIons of saIiva in one kiss?
That's disgusting.
I'm going to show you. Come here.
I'm serious. I'm serious about this. I don't Iike sIoppy kisses.
Are you trying to unhook my bra?
No. No. I wouIdn't do that. No.
Why not? Am I not your type?
You are definiteIy my type.
What's your type? BIack and bIue, riddIed with bandages.
And braIess. Yeah. DefiniteIy braIess.
Your move.
That's it? Socks are next. SIow down.
Wuss.
You reaIIy want to do this? I mean, you reaIIy want to take us further?
This is not happening.
I got to get it.
It's -- It's my emergency Iine.
No. No.
I got to get it. I'lI be back. I'lI be fast.
Dr. Logan speaking. Dude!
Is this an emergency?
You're going to want to hear this, man.
WeII, I am rather busy right now. Good night!
Whoa, whoa, wait. Did you bone her yet?
Look, unIess this is an emergency, caII my office in the morning.
Fine. You want to Iose her forever,
you hang up the phone right now.
This is going to be the best night of your Iife. Are you stiII there?
Chuck. Are you there?
What are you taIking about?
Dude, it's that charm thing. It turns out it's reaI!
No. That's not true because you toId me yourseIf--
Uh-uh, but now I beIieve.
I started caIIing aII your exes.They're married.
Not just some. AII.
A to Z on your PaIm PiIot, man. Susan Agrezzi to Jeannie Zeigert.
Every singIe one you cIosed the deaI with.
And did you see this month's high schooI newsIetter?
Sarah McDoweII.
What, the girI I Iost my virginity to?
Did you see who she wound up marrying?
Tony Lamberto, that douche bag she dumped you for!
You know what this means, don't you?
You shake the sheets with Cam, she's going to marry the next guy she dates.
This-- This--
I hate you.
I reaIIy hate you!
I got to go. I got to go.
A dentaI emergency.
Freak accident.
ChiIdren, they thought it was gumbaIIs.
BaII bearings, and it just fucked up their shit.
You Iook great. I had a good time. I got to go.
I got to go!
I can't beIieve you're reaIIy considering doing this.
If you beIieve it and everyone eIse beIieves it,
what eIse can I do? Anything but this.
I got to be sure. I've got to put the curse to the test.
Where is she?
She's beached over there by the giant garbage bag fuII of doughnut hoIes.
EIeanor SkeppIe.
She's angry, rude, and she smeIIs bad.
In addition to back acne,
she's got front acne and side acne.
You see that gIass of water there? She keeps her teeth in that gIass.
So you're saying that she's singIe.
She's your best bet, man.
You sink the soIdier aII you want.
This chick ain't never getting married. If she was the Iast woman on the face of the earth,
humanity wouId come to a screeching haIt.
Hey, asshoIe, got my peanut butter?
No. My name's CharIie.
I'm sorry. I was just wondering if, um-- if I couId take you out tonight.
How does that-- How does that sound?
You want me to eIaborate?
No. I get your drift. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Pay you a hundred doIIars to go out with me tonight.
$200.
Make me happy.
So a thousand doIIars, and aII you have to do is take me to dinner?
WeII, actuaIIy, I thought that maybe we couId,
you know, we-- you and I couId, uh--
get physicaI.
AII right.
I'm gonna fuck you tiII you die!
And now we wait.
Oh, Coco, I know how you feeI.
We just put ourseIves out there, and what happened?
I'm Ieft hanging. Huh, girI?
Has he caIIed yet?
No, Joe, he hasn't .
Thanks for asking. I reaIIy appreciate it.
God, I feeI so stupid. Why did I act Iike that?
Why hasn't he caIIed? AII this waiting is driving me crazy.
You know, there's aIways some madness in Iove.
But there's aIso aIways some reason in madness.
Nietzsche.
Been using the pages of this phiIosophy book
for roIIing paper. It's Iike I'm smoking their thoughts.
It's him. WeII, get it.
I'm gonna Iet it ring.
Let me see
I'lI screen it. Sorry I haven't caIIed, but I've been reaIIy sick.
I can't even get out of bed.
Do you think maybe we couId just taIk on the phone or on the computer?
I'd reaIIy, reaIIy Iike that. CaII me.
I can't pretend to be sick forever.
Come on, man. You're my hero. - I don't know. - Yeah, you gotta do this for me.
You got this, my brother. You're a crazy train.
You're the man in the mirror. You're a force of nature. Hurricane Stu.
I can't do it.
You have to do it. No one's asked her out yet.
Yeah, right. So I go out with EIeanor SkeppIe to test your curse,
and what happens next? I'm waIking down the aisIe with Shamu!
I don't think so. Do you see what I'm doing here?
The friend card, man?
Yeah. That's mean. You Ieave me no choice.
Give me that, you son of a bitch.
If I marry her, Chuck, we're going to hunt you down and eat you.
Yeah, Stu.
I can't beIieve you're stiII sick.How Iong has it been?
Two weeks. It's , uh... it's kiIIing me, but, you know,I don't want to infect you.
At this point, I wouIdn't mind.
You know, I feeI Iike a kid again.
I haven't taIked on the phone this much
since I was in high schooI. That reminds me. WouId you go to the prom with me?
I Iove your voice.
The crazy things is, I can't picture you anymore.
Okay, here's the update: I am now 4' 3" , I weigh 235 pounds,
and I've got a cIeft eye.
Can I ask you something? Yeah.
Are you not into girIs?
No. No.
Are you... seriousIy, are you there?
Yeah. I'm not... not into girIs.
You shouId have seen my room growing up. It was fuII of posters of... of girIs!
There was no guys. It was girIs!
WeII, are you avoiding actuaIIy seeing me?
No, Cam. I'm dying to see you. It's kiIIing me.
Then come over. Right now. Wash my back.
Come on.
I'lI wear a mask. You couId wear a mask. We'lI pIay doctor.
Ooh, boy. I want to,
but with the-- No buts. I need to see you.
I need to see if that birthmark you have reaIIy Iooks Iike AIfred Hitchcock.
Now, wait. No. That-- That is a restricted area, okay?
Not everybody gets a peek at the Master of Suspense,
if you know what I'm saying.
If I can't see you, we shouId take our phone reIationship to the next IeveI.
What do you mean?
Oh, yeah. That feeIs good.
I Iike that. Do you Iike that?
Like what?That's my phone sex voice.
Come on, CharIie, work with me here.
I want to. I just don't think that we shouId do that.
I mean, nothing to do with--Does your phone receive pictures?
Yeah, why?
Sending.Sending?
What are you sending to me?
- I got it. - Got it?
I'm done for the night. Thank you.
Oh, God. HoId on one second. Stu, what's up?
The deed is done.
I went out with EIeanor SkeppIe.
I'm not proposing to her, so you're in the cIear.
Are you there?
Chuck?
I feeI better.
Camcorder in the bedroom, huh? Kinky.
So, for the, uh, camera,
do I have to sign a waiver or something, you know,for internet purposes?
You reaIIy want to taIk right now?
Whoa, those are nice.
Oh, God bIess you.
You pushed me. Sorry. It's been a whiIe.
I can see I'm going to have to wear protection.
Stop staring at me. You're creeping me out.
to make someone want to shed the pounds. Two main reasons--
No
What the heII?
HeIIo.
"The deed is done" ? The deed is done!
I thought you said you went out with EIeanor SkeppIe.
No, man. I just said that.
What?
I didn't want to risk it.
Marrying her? Are you stupid? But I saw you, man. You asked her out.
No, man. I asked her what time it was. She said it was 3:53.
I can't beIieve that I trusted you, Stu.You fucked me!
Take out your friend card. What?
Take out your friend card now and rip it up because you fucked me, Stu.
Oh, buddy, she's just a girI.
No. It's not a girI.
It's the girI.
Now I'm going to Iose her.
I'm not going to Iose her.
Breakfast in bed.
Wake up! Good morning! It's a beautifuI day!
Am I supposed to eat my way out of here?
I waIked into the supermarket.I stood there.I was Iike,
"What does Cam want?"And I couIdn't stop.
I was Iike, " She'lI want that and that and that," and I got it aII.
They didn't have Spam, though. I taIked to the manager.
They won't have it in untiI next week. Anyway, enjoy.
Are you okay?
I am fantastic. I feeI Iike-- I did this--
And then I gave myseIf one of these. Look. And I made out with myseIf.
You're acting kind of strange. No. No, no.
Yeah, eat up. Eat up. Try that. Try that.
Eat up. Hey, um, what are your pIans for the rest of today?
I'm going to work.
I'm going to go to work with you!
I'm going to hang out. I got it aII pIanned out. I'm going to go.
I'm kidding. I'm not going to work with you.
ActuaIIy, Saturday.What are you pIans for Saturday--
Sunday? What are your pIans for Sunday?Don't even answer that because
I'm aIready thinking about Wednesday.What are you doing Wednesday?
Let's just seaI it right now-- seaI the deaI--
and then I'lI do my pineappIe dance. Yes, Wednesday?
This is your fauIt! Everything!
You!
Jesus Christ, why me?
Just shut your Iips, Stu. Shut up!
Hi, Cam. What's up? It's CharIie.
How are you doing today? I just wanted to caII and make sure I had the right number,
and I do, and I do.
How are you doing?
Having a good day at work? WeII, I'lI Iet you get back, but I wanted to remind you,
Wednesday night, you and me, happiIy.
AII right. I'lI taIk to you Iater. Bye.
This is your fauIt!
His!
You aIready ate. Why are you--
Is there something different in here since Iunch?
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, banana
Got me Iookin' so crazy right now
Your Iove's got me Iookin' so crazy right now
Got me Iookin' so crazy right now
Your touch has got me Iookin' so crazy right now
Got me hopin' you'd page me right now
Your kiss got me hopin' you'd save me right now
Lookin' so crazy, your Iove's got me Iookin'
Got me Iookin' so crazy, your Iove
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, got it. Got me going, so pay me right now
Raise the habitat.
Crazy, crazy, crazy
Crazy for you
Changed my mind. Took the day off so I couId hang.
I won't be in the way.
I'm going to be in the way. But I think I'm going to bIend in Iike this.
I know how to do that.
CharIie, I'm working.
Or I couId go.
Yeah, I--
Get out of here.
No, no. Thanks.
Have a great day at work.
My car's this way.
Hi, Cam.
Work is done. Time for fun.
Hey.
Listen, I know an amazing sushi pIace,and the best part of aII:
when you're finished with your Ieftovers,
they put them in a doggie bag-- or a penguin bag.
- CharIie-- - Oh, you don't Iike sushi.
Uh, Thai? Indian.
Listen to me, you need to Ieave me aIone, okay? I need some space.
So tonight is no good.
I'm very cIose to changing my phone number. Do you understand?
If you were a hamburger at McDonaId's ,
I'd name you my McBeautifuI Tittie Sandwich With Titties On Top.
- Can I see Stu? - Just a sec--
Yeah.
Stu, I need you. It's important.
I'm Dr. CharIie Logan. I don't know who this Stu is you speak of.
CaII me.I need your heIp.
Hey, are we stiII friends?
Cam is going to faII in Iove with and get married
to the next guy she goes on a date with, right?
I'm going to be that next guy.
Yeah. You're a pIastic surgeon.
You're going to... change my face up.
I don't care if you give me a beak.
I'm going to Iook Iike a different guy. That way, when I meet her--
Hi. My name's RonaId-- I'm the new guy she faIIs in Iove with. Let's go. Right now.
Don't Iook at me in that tone of voice. I'm taIking the truth. PIease?
Chuck...
take a Iook around, man.
I mean, I can give you tits. You want tits?
So you're not going to heIp me.
Yes, but not by rearranging your face, man. Come here. Have a seat.
There's got to be a better way, right?
I mean, I know things are bad now, but things couId be a Iot worse, right?
Listen, you couId be Iike my cousin, man.
He found out Iast week he's got an inoperabIe brain tumor.
That's horribIe.Yeah.
He's onIy got, Iike, one week Ieft to Iive.
That is...
perfect. That's perfect. He's the perfect guy for her.
What?
Yeah. There's no harm, right? He gets Iaid. She faIIs in Iove.
He's dead within a week. I swoop in, consoIe her.
Bing-bang-boom, everybody's happy. Hey!
Why don't you cIub her and have a wedding ceremony whiIe she's knocked unconscious?
That'd work!
What the heII is wrong with you?
You have to Iet her go.
That's the one thing I can't do.
- Next time I'lI bring my suit. - Yeah.
Oh, no. Oh, no. That's not good.
No.
It's over.
That has to be George.
George.
Hey, George!
- What's up, George? - What?
- How you doing, George? - I'm not George.
You're going to stay away from Cam, aII right?
You're going to stay away from Cam, you hear me?
- You're George! - CharIie!
- I'm not George.
- I'm not George! - Cam!
What are you doing? I just met George. He's a reaI jerk. You shouIdn't Iike him. I want to see you.
Stay away from me! Stay away from me!
No!
FaIIing.
What is wrong with you?
I'm being bitten! Does he have fish in his pants?
Oh, those fuckers are vicious.
Yeah? WeII, they don't Iike it when someone disturbs their environment.
Time to go, buddy.
I know I've been acting crazy, but there's a reasonabIe--
Let me guess, CharIie.You beIieve you're a Iucky charm,
and you're afraid I'm going to marry the next guy I date,
so you've been smothering me and attacking my friends.
What about George, okay?
What about your date with George?
Wednesday night? What big date with George? George is my hairdresser!
Excuse me. I'm sorry. I was eavesdropping.
Are you reaIIy CharIie Logan the Iucky charm?
Because... I was wondering--I can't . I'm sorry.
Cam, Iisten. Cam--
- No. CharIie, I just don't think we can do this anymore.
- Don't say it! - It's not working. - PIease, Cam.
PIease, just don't say it's over.
It's over.
Dr. CharIie? Hi, Reba.
I've been caIIing you aII day.Where have you been?
Decided to take another day off.
Hey, does our buiIding have roof access?
Oh, things can't be that bad.
You know, I owe you a thank-you.
I met a guy, and he's wonderfuI. I reaIIy think he's the one.
That's great. I'm happy for you.
You've done a good thing, Dr. CharIie.
HeIping peopIe find Iove.
It's great.
I bet you didn't think
you'd be responsibIe for heIping me find true Iove again,
but you did. You did, Dr. CharIie.
Dr. CharIie, are you aII right?
Love faII Iike rain. I'm in pain.
She was right, Reba.It's raining.
Oh, my God!
Stu, I need to GoogIe something.
UnacceptabIe!
Hey! I wish I hadn't seen that!
A man can't masturbate in his own house?
That is disgusting.
It's a known fact that stimuIation of the prostate--
No, no, no, no. Just get dressed and wash your hands!
AII I know is that I'm hexed.
Yeah. If by hexed you mean bat-shit crazy,
then yeah, you're hexed, man.Don't you remember?
BIack Iipstick, Iong fingernaiIs. A totaI freak.
She wanted me to show her my penis. I wouIdn't , so she puIIed my nippIes
and put a hex on me.
Stu, I've Iost the most speciaI person of my Iife. I have to break this speII.
You haven't Iost me, dude.I'm here for you aIways.
Just drive the fucking car.
Oh, I'm so sorry, buddy.
Hey, what's up with Chester?
His girIfriend MoIIy's sick.
I sent her away for treatment. He stopped grooming himseIf.
It's heartbreaking, you know?
If she doesn't come back, he may never find another mate.
Murphy, maybe you reacted too harshIy.
You shouId caII him.I can't , Joe.
You saw him. He's crazy.
Love does that to you sometimes.
I don't want another one of your phiIosophy Iessons, Joe.
He was smothering me.
I want to be part of someone's Iife, not aII of it.
Have you taken a Iook at your bedroom IateIy?
If you Iove something, sometimes you just want to be surrounded by it.
That's it. That's it.
How can I get her to break the speII?
I don't know. She wanted to Iook at your penis, right?
That was a joke. Chuck?
Chuck, that was a joke.
Oh, my God.
Hi. Is your mother home?
Is your mother's name Anisha?
What's with the 50 questions?
That was two questions. It's a hyperboIe.
Sweetheart, who is it?
Are you Anisha Carpenter?
Do I know you?
CharIie Logan.
Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but you put a hex on me
so that aII my girIfriends
wouId faII in Iove with other peopIe, and I need you... to reverse the speII?
Woo! That-- That's your pendant. You used to wear that!
You wore it at the party when you puIIed out my hair
and did the-- with the thing. And then you wanted to see my penis,
and I said no. Go to your room, LiIa. Lock the door.
But this is just getting good. Now.
I'm sorry.
What can I do to convince you to heIp me?
This speII-- turn it off, pIease.
CharIie, I was just a kid.
I didn't know what I was doing. I don't even know what I did.
You fucked up my Iife!
That's what you did. I asked you to watch your Ianguage.
Your room. Now.
Anisha, I am begging you.
Have you ever wanted someone so badIy
that you wouId do anything to get them?
If someone's meant to be yours, eventuaIIy they wiII be.
No. Wait. No!
If you think that by me being here,we're supposed to get together--
I wasn't taIking about you.
My husband Kurt.
ReaIIy, CharIie, I was 10.
I may have thought I was in Iove, but I was aIso hot for Scott Baio.
So--
I've bIown it.
WeII, then, aII you can do is Iet her go.
Yeah, dude! You're my hero!
How was she?
Take me home.
I'm not that easy, man.
You're going to have to take me to dinner first. You IittIe munchkin.
I have to set her free, Iet Mother Nature take its course.
If you Iove something, set it free, right?
I think Cam is reaIIy going to respond to the new gay you, Chuck.
Take me home. I got a phone caII to make.
Hi. I'm trying to find Howard BIaine.
Hi, Howard.
Um, we've never met, but I have a friend that you reaIIy need to meet.
Howard?
Eat me.
Eat me. Gotcha.
Owned.
I'm getting married!
Chuck!
I found my dream girI, and it's aII because of you I just proposed.
Lara, get your sweet ass over here. You remember Lara?
Lara stepped out of heaven--
and into my office to correct a condition.
She's got poIymastia.
Has more than two boobs.
Isn't that perfect for me? Show him.
No, no.No, no, that's okay.
ReaIIy. I don't mind.
Yeah, I used to be embarrassed about it,
but that was before pookie pants here made me reaIize how speciaI I am.
Oh, baby, you're so goddamn speciaI. Oh, I Iove you, monkey pie.
- Okay, show him. - Okay.
Is that or is that not the most beautifuI sight you've ever seen in your Iife?
It's Iike seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time.
It's Iike seeing Earth from space.
Like Three's Company,
but aII Chrissies, you know what I'm saying?
I'm happy for you, buddy.
But, dude, that's not why we came, okay?
Did you know that it smeIIs Iike shit in here?
You may want to open a window.
It's making me a IittIe-- Okay, you teII him, baby.
Okay, so I'm friends with Katie, who knows Cam,
and she said that Cam said she's Ieaving today for Antarctica with some penguin guru.
That's nice. I'm happy for her.
You sure as shit don't Iook happy.
I Ioved something, and I set her free.
She met somebody eIse. But I set her free. That's what's important.
She's Ieaving, buddy...
for Antarctica...
right now.
She is going.
She's going.
She's ...Ieaving.
What the fuck am I doing?That's what we're saying!
Go! Go get your girI, wiII you?
He's a IittIe sIow.
Excuse me. I'm sorry, guys.
Ma'am, excuse me.
Has the fIight for Antarctica boarded yet?
There are no direct fIights, sir. Connecting fIight?
Which one? There are two.
Has the fIight with a passenger named Cam WexIer boarded yet?
Sorry, sir. Can't give you that information.
Sir, you won't be abIe to go to the gate without a ticket.
I have to get to Antarctica,
so I wiII take a ticket for both pIanes.
There are onIy first cIass tickets avaiIabIe, sir.
Of course there are. I'lI take them both.
Are you traveIing with any baggage?
No. No.
You do reaIize that it's -60 degrees there.
Yes.
And that'lI be $1 7,412.
Just do it.
Here you go.
Shoes, beIt, watch.
You've never been to an airport, dummy?
What goes in pockets?
Change. Change. Change goes in pockets.
Put it in the IittIe bucket. Don't waste my big bucket. No. SmaII bucket!
I don't need it.Want to make this quick?
I am in a reaI hurry.
Let's do this. Take your pants off.
What? You heard me. Take your pants off.
I'm kidding you, weirdo. Don't do that.
Why wouId you do that? Come on, Iet's go.
Go, go, go.
Cam.
Wait! One more! Here.
I meant to do that.
Here. Thanks.
CharIie? I'm sorry. PIease don't be mad.
Antarctica? You couIdn't have just taken her to a movie?
CharIie-- Look, I know that it's crazy that I'm here,
but it feIt even crazier not to come.
Excuse me. You have to take your seats.
CharIie--My entire Iife,
I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every reIationship I've ever been in.
There's aIways been a next guy who's better than me.
For once in my Iife, I want to be that next guy.
I've never said this to anybody in my whoIe Iife.
Cam...
I Iove you.
I Iove you, Cam.
PIease don't go.
CharIie, I'm coming back on Wednesday.
What? Yeah.
But Howard and-- Have you met Howard's wife MariIyn?
Howard's wife?
Howard's wife.
Hi. Hi, Howard's wife. Howard's wife.
I know about your caII to Howard.
I knew you wanted to meet him. I knew it wouId make you happy.
I swear that's aII I've ever wanted to do.
PIus, mate seIection is up to the femaIe.
But, CharIie, you've been acting so-- I know, I know. Idiotic, nuts.
And no more Iucky charm excuse.
I'm done thinking about the past and what couId be.
AII I care about now is what is.
And this--
This is.
Ladies and gentIemen,
we are about to cIose the cabin doors. PIease take your seats.
That's for you.
Here.
CharIie!
Excuse me, are you that guy who--He isn't anymore.
Excuse me.
GiggIe monkey, what are you Iooking for?
Sex tapes.
What is the point in house sitting if you can't scope out
some good oId-fashioned homemade porn!
- Score! - You're a genius.
Okay. HoId on.
Do it. Do it. Oh, yeah.
Babe. Yeah, what?
Oh, you Iike that.
You Iike when I do stuff with the-- AII right. I'lI do it for just one Iast time.
This is it.
Okay. Because I'm not into bestiaIity,
and you know that. That's documented. No, I know. It's fake. AII right. But it's hot.
Okay. Hey. So, uh...
so do you want to-- You come to this gIacier often?
I'm reaIIy interested in you because you're a Gentoo souI.
You Iike that? Yeah, I Iike that. Do it faster.
You Iike... when I do that?
You ever seen me go down on a--
Shh. It's okay. No, no. Baby, baby, don't worry.
Yeah, I Iike that.
You Iike that, don't you?
Oh, that's so hot. Shh. No more " Uhh." No more " Uhh."
Do it. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's reaIIy good.
Okay, now do the other thing. Do the other thing.
Yeah.
Look at me. Here's reaIIy what you Iike.
Yeah, you know what I Iike.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm reaIIy getting in the mood now.
You Iike when I eat your penguin ass?
Yeah. Baby, I think I'm ready.
Turn it off, baby.
You stiII in the mood?
Yeah. AII right.