"Photograph" by Ed Sheeran
♪ Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans ♪
♪ Holding me closer till our eyes meet ♪
♪ You won't ever be alone ♪
♪ Wait for me to come home ♪
♪ Oh you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen ♪
♪ Next to your heartbeat where I should be ♪
♪ Keep it deep within your soul ♪
♪ And if you hurt me well that's okay baby ♪
♪ Only words bleed inside these pages ♪
♪ You just hold me and I won't ever let you go ♪
♪ You go ♪
♪ When I'm away I will remember how you kissed me ♪
♪ Under the lamp post back on Sixth street ♪
♪ Hearing you whisper through the phone ♪
♪ Wait for me to come home ♪
Thank you!
Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you
It's such a pleasure to be here
this evening. I've always wanted to play.
- I've got a couple more songs... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, buddy. This open mike is a one-song max.
I got told by ah, um... James
You got told by James, there's no James here
There's a Justin, and Justin owns the place. So, we're going to unplug ya.
Here we go. Okay.
We'll just take your tiny little guitar, we'll get offstage...
- Watch your step, alright. - He told me I could play...
No, that's nobody's. Listen...
You have potential. You do.
I just wouldn't quit your day job yet.
Now out of curiosity, what is your day job?
-S-s-singing. It is.
Okay! Really.
See, I'm a cool college Professor that all the students
still invite to their parties. Oh, see, we both said our dreams out loud. Alright.
He was a lot slimmer at the beginning of the season, right?
Obvs, yes.
What is wrong with you?
Why would you kick Ed Sheeran out of the bar?
- What, that was him? - Yeah, of course it was him.
Why do you think Candace is in shock over there?
This is Ed Sheeran's napkin.
Even his napkin is soulful and comforting.
And like him, very, very, white
Guys, he's probably in town for the Spirit of Detroit Music Festival.
Yep. And he's just tweeted this to
his 13 million Twitter followers. "If you see this rude, chubby
bar owner, give him a smack from me."
Sorry. I'm an Ed-head.
- I do what I'm told. - Aw!
- Is the mike still open? - Yeah, just a second, I can't hear, um.
Yeah, man. Just go ahead. Play something to cheer me up.
- Make me feel like a winner. - A winner?
He's a guitarist, not a magician.
Yeah. I'm Waz.
I write music for TV shows. I just did some for "CSI Cyber."
Oh yeah, "CSI Cyber". That's that new "CSI" show
all about technology. This computer didn't die.
This computer was murdered. Last one I saw it with was this cell phone.
Hey! You'd better talk, you'd better talk cell phone!
Or I'll put you in the toilet, see?
Nice. Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you riff a TV show theme song and we'll all do
cheesy opening credit faces. You guys in?
Yes!
Oh, man, Justin's still upset about his ex, uh, his ex getting married.
- It's so boring. - Oh, give him a break.
The first girl he ever loved is getting married this weekend to
a guy who's way more successful than he is.
- Sorry. - I'm fine.
I know she's your friend. You guys can all go to the wedding.
Well, I'm not going.
Till Saturday. A pinata.
Anyway, to cheer him up we stayed home last night to watch "Scandal"
Oh, are you a huge fan of that show?
Heh-heh... A fan?
Leslie I'm a fan of oxygen. I need "Scandal."
Unfortunately, the whole time he was trying to tell me that
Scott Foley's better looking than daddy.
- Daddy's me. - Daddy, how did that even come up?
Well, the episode ended and then
I said, "I'm so much better-looking than Scott Foley, let's discuss this."
Coincidentally, Scott Foley
visited me in my dreams last night.
Whoo! Saucy.
- Think he'll be back tonight? - Probably.
And last night I was his daddy.
Face it, Danny. Scott Foley's a genetic masterpiece.
Never seen eyes that sparkle like his.
That's coming from a guy with eyes so blue I can make the sky jealous
I guess you wouldn't understand eyes like that.
Not with these... brown mud buckets
Like I told you the day you moved in,
these are tootsie rolls.
- Conversation over. - No!
Ugh! I've got an hour to kill and
that was the most insane eaves-dropping ever.
Uh, I guess we could continue
arguing over near the pretty lady.
I'm not going to, you know, take an appearance judgment by a guy who
looks like Greg Kinnear in middle school.
Yeah? Well, you look like Hugh Jackman's really tired, older brother.
Oh, yeah? At least I don't look like a
computer avatar that a cool dad created.
Yeah? Well, at least I don't look like
that ugly guy from "Whitney."
I, ah, I never saw that show.
Me neither. But I want in on this game.
So who do I look like?
Hey, when did Jeff Goldblum and David Schwimmer have a baby?
Good burn, new girl.
Hey, I have to make a quick phone call, but will you two be here when I get back?
- Yeah, I own the place so, - Yeah, I mean you know I got a lot of
- I would say... - cool stuff to do but you know I'll
- I'm here for you. - probably do something, you know, whatever
- All right! -Okay.
I saw her first.
No, you don't! Yes, I did!
Get out of my head! I'm not in your head! You're in my head!
Yeah, you are! No, I'm not!
How are we doing this? It's easy, we practiced at home!
- I'm gonna challenge you to stop - I'm gonna trick you by stopping
in the middle of a... sentence. Panda!
Panda! Panda! What?
- I brought my keyboard in before. - Yeah, and what did we do to you?
Look at that, a dollar.
People in Detroit are terrible tippers.
Sweetie, it might not be Detroit.
- You can be a little bit snarky. - He doesn't know that word.
Snarky is American for smart-mouth bitch.
Shelley, he was a bitch to us too.
Why you hating on my friends, man?
These guys work with me at the retirement home.
- We're trying to destress. - De-stress from what?
What kind of trouble can kindly old grandparents get into?
Everyone is banging everyone. When you walk in on two old
people having sex in the rec room, it's like when you make
eye contact with a dog that's pooping.
They just kind of stare at you while they finish their business
Okay, okay.
- It's horrible. - Yeah, sometimes they ask you to join in.
- Have you ever joined in? - No!
Come on, what do you think we are?
- I-I get lonely... - Well, there's probably been seven times.
- Lonesome. - Yeah, yeah.
We brought some of them out today.
See Mrs. Bosma over there? She'll get freaky with anybody.
Male, female. She don't care.
Mrs. Bosma, what's that thing you always say?
Ass is ass.
- It is, hey... - We both hit it.
Plus you know Brett, you'd get a lot better tips if you were nicer.
Oh, shut up! Like you can do any better.
Oh! You want me to get behind that bar and we'll see?
Whoever gets the most tips at the end of the night wins.
Hm. I don't know, Shel.
What was the name of the greatest cheerleader movie ever made?
Oh, yeah, that's it:
Bring it on!
Okay, well no matter what happens, at the end of this, we're watching that movie.
All right. Kick his ass, Shel.
Okay? Hey!
That's for Ed.
That tattooed ginger got me through a lot of tough times.
Hey!
So, uh, you from around here?
No, I'm just in town for the music festival.
- Yeah, I'm back-up singer. - Oh, so you have to do a lot
of things like... ♪ oh oh oh ♪
Or like ♪ no no no ♪
- ♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪ - ♪ no no no no no ♪
- ♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪ - ♪ oh no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
- That's, that's how I sing. - Your eyes are bloodshot.
Hey, Les, can you do me a favor, wake up Candace, tell her to come down for work?
I can do this alone.
Yeah, you never know. Could turn into a threesome.
Oh, they don't mean you, Mrs. Bosma.
Bae, you don't have a full-length mirror in here?
- No. - Then where do you flex?
Candace, you up?
Wait, Trent, my friends can't know that you slept here.
- They hate you. - Yeah, what's up with that?
I'm Trent, end of story.
You know what, Trent? Maybe it's because when we dated you treated me badly and took
advantage of me until I had no self-esteem left.
Right, right. We cool?
- Woof! - Mo says no.
Oh, Trent! Candace, why'd you let this jackass back in your life?
- Boom! Oops. My shirt fell off.
Okay, I get it.
- Yeah, Everyone gets it. - Great rack, bro.
Okay, Leslie
Leslie, he just came over late and needed a place to crash.
We didn't do anything, I promise
I tried, but my game was just to weak!
Candace, I thought I taught you how to deal
with tough situations like this.
Leslie, I'm too small to drink three bottles of wine and go to sleep
It's okay, I can be strong for you. Trent, get the hell out of here.
Slower. Wait!
Okay, I'm done.
What's up with that guy?
So, can I get you two lovely ladies a drink?
Uh, uh, move over. We want black Winnie the Pooh
- Hi! - Hi, ladies.
- Hey, big guy. Let's make a bet. - Okay.
If you can guess my name, we will have to take you home and
have sexy time with you. All night long.
And what if I cannot guess your name?
- It's Allie. - Then I'm gonna guess Allie.
And I want to tip you in the front part of your pants.
- And I am okay with that. - Alright, aaaarrrow!
Are you ticklish?
You cagey minx.
- Oooow! - For Ed.
I have to head out for rehearsal.
- I'll come back tonight and hang. - I should let you know by the way,
I've had a cuff... ah, tough couple of... I'm so nervous.
Couple of rough days and it's nice to meet somebody to
- put a smile on my face. - Oh, thanks.
- Nice meeting you guys. - Hey, the pleasure was all mine
Oh, what... Not all his. I was pleasured, too.
You know, guys, I'm not proud
that I've been hanging out with Trent.
I know he's not going places.
And yes, sure, he can't technically read. But,
I don't know. I'm so embarrassed.
Sweetie, you're just backsliding.
You know we've all done it with an ex. I mean hell, before I met Mike I was still
- hooking up with my ex-husband. - Yeah.
- And before I met Leslie, I was laid... - Babe, nobody cares.
Right now it's just so tempting to backslide with Trent. Does that go away?
Yes. The second you meet somebody who
- makes you forget about him. - Aww.
Well, I backslid with Amy. She was my first love,
and the one that got away. I mean literally.
She robbed a bank and they did not catch her.
You know, I was thinking about it, ah...
I think you should ask Amanda out.
- I'm going to bow out. - What? You like her too.
I can tell. Every time I mention her name
- your eyebrow raises. - No, it doesn't.
Amanda.
- That eyebrow is about something else. - Amanda.
Amanda. Amanda.
- Come on. Come on. Dude stop. - Amanda. Amanda. Amanda
- Amanda. Amanda. Amanda. Amanda. - Come on man. Dude please stop.
Stop, okay, man... just let me bow out so that you
have a better chance with her, okay.
Uh, I'm sorry. Are you saying that there's a world
where that if we both go for her, I don't even stand a chance?
Well, I do think that there's a world like that. Yes.
It's this world.
It's the world.
Listen, Danny, Amanda and I have everything in common.
We're both singers. We're both sensitive souls.
We both have a hard time with dairy.
It's like the two of us were created for each other.
Oh, careful, Justin.
You always idealize women that you've just met.
Leslie, you can't idealize someone who's perfect in every single way
Hey, look, let me just bow out okay?
Learn to take yes for an answer
I didn't get to be a 20-year-old virgin by
taking yes for an answer.
You don't stand a chance with Amanda.
For God's sakes. She's 22 and you're 130.
You're just scared because you know even if you try your best
she'll still pick me.
You want to bet, stupid dork?
You're on! What are the stakes, ugly goose?
Maybe shave heads?
Nah. Why would we do that?
That subjects everyone to see your weird Voldemort skull.
I want your dignity. I want your chest hair.
Fine. If I get her you shave your
chest. If anybody else in here gets her
- I'll shave mine. - Nah, I don't want you to
shave your chest. I want to wax it.
Right here, in front of everyone.
Live!
Fine, you're on. It's on! In fact, I'm going to live tweet that it's on.
Send! There it is. I'm going to do the "It's On" song. Waz?
Waz. Back me up.
♪ Oh, Danny and Justin. ♪
♪ Battle for girl ♪
♪ Oh, Danny and Justin. ♪
♪ Livin' with... ♪
Waz, more, please!
♪ Danny and Justin ♪ ♪ N, n, n, n, n, n, n ♪
Waz, more! ♪ N, n, n, n, n, n, n ♪ ♪ it's on it's on it's on it's ♪
♪ on it's on ♪
Okay. How come every time I bring you
a beer you give me a dollar. Yet when Shelly brings you a beer,
- you give him five? - Uh, you really want to know?
- How's your day going? - Fine.
Oh, wow. I got bored halfway through a
one-word answer. Shelley, how's your day going?
Oh, today was like any other. Woke up, smoked some weed.
Fed the cat. Freaked out because I don't own a cat
Realized I just let a crazy
raccoon into my house and I needed to get the hell out of it
See? That's great stuff, have another five.
- Amanda's almost here, you ready?
- You're looking skinny. - Thank you, thank you. Yes.
Okay. I'm just going to work on my flirt game
- before she gets here. Watch and learn. - Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Spiders!
Hey, beautiful. Wasn't spiders, it was these.
Oh, I love that hair. It's uh, like tiny little slinkiest.
Push you down a flight of stairs I feel you'd just keep going and
going and going and going and head, toe, head, toe.
- Excuse me? - I should go.
Hey, Candace.
You'll relax if you practice on someone you know
Try it on her.
Hey, kitty pop. That's not a thing. Okay.
Hey, Candace.
- What the hell are you doing? - Well, Chubby, just giving you a
taste of what it's like going toe to toe with Danny Burton.
You're in the jungle now, bro. When two silverback gorillas
compete over the same female one gets in the other's face to show
dominance. Argh!
- How long does this last? - Well, dominant gorilla stays
until he realizes the other gorilla is unimpressive and weak
Argh!
Argh! Argh!
Argh, argh, argh, argh!
Nobody throws pretzels anymore!
And I'm not weak, Danny. I just don't have any pickup lines
That's fine.
You don't need any pickup lines. Just talk to me.
Tell me what you would really like to do.
I don't know. I guess if I had you over we'd
open a bottle of wine, watch a movie, cook dinner together.
I bet you'd look really cute in my apron.
- Yes, I own an apron. - I love that you own an apron.
And then what are we making for dessert?
You guessed right. It's good conversation.
Oh, yum!
I just, I just want someone I can be myself with.
You know? And if I had to choose between
going to some big crazy party or staying home and eating pizza
and watching movies with you I'd choose you every time.
I've been waiting for somebody to say that to me.
I've been waiting for somebody to hear it.
Thanks for pretending, Candace.
What? Oh. Yeah.
Acting. Ha ha!
Thank you.
You're not thinking about Trent anymore, are you?
No. Just don't tell anyone. Okay?
I cannot believe you went to theater camp too.
I know, I know, we have so much in common.
Let me ask you a question, are you thinking about having kids
- before you're 25? - ♪ Mistake! ♪
♪ This is a mistake you always make ♪
Oh, sorry, it's just a song I heard at the music festival.
Yeah, it's by this great new band called "Don't Do What You're Doing"
Yes. From the album "Seriously Dude, Stop"!
Yeah, um... Amanda. Listen, I just wanted to say I'm
glad you uh, came back 'cause I wanted to talk to you about
something... I was kinda hoping that maybe you want to go on a...
Argh, argh, argh, argh!
What's he doing?
He's dominating me.
Ooh, like a silverback gorilla.
Argh! Argh, argh, argh, argh!
Argh!
- You can sit with us. - Nah, I should be alone.
Something's been on my mind. Weighing it pretty, pretty heavily.
I-I can't stop thinking about it, actually, to be totally honest with you.
Oh no, what is it?
- You. - So lame.
So, what do you guys want to do tonight?
Well, unfortunately, chubby has to work but,
I, on the other hand, have scored two tickets to "Age of Ultron",
the new Avengers movie, and it is sold out everywhere!
But, uh, I don't know, I thought maybe you might want to go with me,
he asked shyly, already knowing the answer to it.
- I'd love to. - Oh, she'd love to.
You know what? Maybe I'll sprinkle some of your
chest hair on my popcorn?
That's really weird.
A 22-year-old girl picked seeing an "Avengers" movie over having
babies with you? I'm doing sarcasm now.
Um, so how-how much does it hurt getting waxed?
Have you ever seen a vagina cry?
No but I've made one applaud.
I mean, of course I scared her off.
Y'know, maybe there just really isn't anyone out there for me.
There is.
Oh. Kitty-pop.
There isn't.
Yo, bae. Did you get my text? I sent an emoticon of a guitar and the earth.
Trent wants to rock my world.
It's time for sex with the ex. Hashtag Cardioday.
No, Trent. You know what, I'm so glad that
I didn't backslide with you. Because I may be lonely but I'm
not desperate. I'm sorry.
Pfft! Whatev-skis. World peace!
I'm so proud of you!
- Oh, I feel a hug coming on. - Oh, let's do a reverse Oreo.
That's what the chocolate's on the inside.
Why am I so bad at this?
Probably just because I'm bad at everything.
I'm not even good at being gay. I'm still single and as far as
Neil Patrick Harris goes, I can take him or leave him.
Oh Brett, you don't know what you're saying.
You know another thing? I've been here over a decade and
I'm still bad at being American. I mean, yeah, I can fake it.
"Hey, let's go get some cheeseburgers!
And then we can go shoot stuff and buy houses we can't afford!"
I should just give up, man.
I'm worried about your friend
Brett. I just do not think his
self-esteem can handle any more hits.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Drew. Did I call in and ask for your
opinion without realizing it?
Oh, you're right.
Here. Tip him this $200 so he beats me.
You are a good man.
- Brett? Here is $50. - Yep
Ba-ba-booey, sucker!
- I did it. I win. - I'm proud of you, buddy.
Okay. Now let's go watch "Bring It On."
I think I'm going to have sex with those ladies first.
Okay, but don't take too long.
Hey, Danny? Um, can I talk to you for a second?
- You know our rule. - Yep, I get 15 seconds a day,
- but may I use it now? - Proceed.
You see how Shelley let his friend
win because it meant more to Brett than him?
Maybe that's something you could do for Justin.
- You know, he's right. - Hmm.
Waz, can you play me some thinking music?
Didn't think I'd let you
leave without saying good-bye, did you.
- You're so beautiful, you know? - Hey, dude.
Listen. The movie doesn't start for
another two hours. I think you can still beat me with Amanda.
But uh, I think you only have a
chance to beat me with my help.
What?
Well, you know me, right? I'm not going to roll over.
I mean, I'm-I'm going to win. But you're also my boy.
So I'm going to help you win. If I let me.
Which I won't. Unless I do.
Which I will.
That is very confusing.
All right, look. Here's the basic rule.
- You're too nice. - But, that's-that's who I am.
No, it's not. Not all the time.
Remember when you said I was 135 and it didn't hurt my feelings
or stick with me at all even though I'm 95 years younger than that?
Well, do that. That showed me you had some fight if you.
Pick on my insecurities. Go for it.
- All right, like what? - I don't know.
Maybe, ah, you're right about Amanda.
Maybe, ah, because she's 22, deep down Danny
feels like he's too old for girls that age.
- But is that true? - I don't know.
At this point it's all just speculation.
Lucky for you I brought someone to help kick this pep talk into overdrive.
Scott Foley?
Yes, Justin. It's me. TV's Scott Foley.
Why are you here?
Well, I love music festivals. It makes perfect sense that I'm here
Listen, Danny caught me up to
speed on the Amanda situation and you need to...
Hey. don't.
Don't get lost in my eyes. You'll lose focus.
- Sorry. I'm Sorry. I just... - No it's all right. It happens.
Look. I wasn't always this handsome and confident.
Really.
No. I was always this handsome and
confident. I was acting. I'm great at it.
Listen.
You are in Hollywood a "four"...
Ha ha! Ha ha!
But in Detroit. You're a 10.
Oh and, that was for Ed.
Come on. Now go out there and get her.
You can do it.
Scott Foley is right!
You know what, Danny? You're going down!
Thanks, Scott Foley.
By the way, your eyes are
- good, but they're not that amazing. - Ha ha!
Careful, if anyone looks in them for too long I can make them do stuff.
Aw. Turns out you're a little cocky... uh?
Unbutton two of those buttons
- Now get on your knees. - Yeah
On your knees.
- I don't want to but... - Get on your knees.
Now I want to see good form. I want you to arch your back and keep eye
contact with me. And when you're done... you need to drive me
to the airport and return my rental car, do you understand?
I feel like this wasn't in the script.
Eyes, eyes.
- Atta boy. - No, no, don't call me
attaboy, please!
Cut!
Don't... don't you have a home?
Uh-huh huh... so uh, you ready to go see the movie?
- What are you doing? - I'm dominating you, old man.
No, you're not. I'm dominating you.
- Waah! - Arrgh!
- Waah! Waah! - Arrgh! Arrgh!
- Waah! - Arrgh! Arrgh!
Waah!
He sounds like a gremlin. I feel like you two get into very odd fights.
Oh, now you get how this show works.
Gah!
What am I doing? This isn't me.
- Uh, that wasn't anyone. - Danny, I'm sorry I was being mean,
I-I'm not a mean guy, you are not that old.
- Wait, are you not his dad? - What?
I'm kidding.
Oh yeah, okay, that was a funny, that was a funny joke.
Look. Look Amanda.
I know when I talk about relationships it could seem like
a bit much. But that's who I am.
All right? And-and fine, if we get together later, am I going to talk about how many
kids I want? No!
Not unless we go to coffee first.
- But it's three. - Aww.
I'm really just looking for something casual.
Oh, sorry, man, that sucks. You ready to go see the 'vengers?
Yeah. Um, about the movie...
I kind of make different plans when you were at the airport
with TV's Scott Foley.
Oh, man, we went to the airport too?
Hey, look, it was really fun meeting both of you.
Oooh. All right, well.
Looks like we both lost. Okay.
At least on the bright side I don't have to wax my chest.
Uh, yes, you do. The bet was if she wound up
with anyone else you'd have to wax your chest.
- Wha... Who did she end up with? - You ready to go, bae?
Hashtag "Poetic justice"!
The worst. ***
I mean this day couldn't get any worse. Aw...
No one's ever going to hurt you again.
All right. Listen! Everyone, shut up!
Listen. Right now I get to take a 3 minute break
'Cause that totally scarred me and
we're going to come right back and we're going to wax his chest
live! Don't miss it! Which camera?!
Thank you, listen uh, so I guess I'm going to do the ceremonial first strip.
She said it's better when amateurs do it anyway. So...
You don't have to do it! You don't have to do it!
- Yep, too late! - No! Arrgh!
Give me that!
Ow!
And go!
You okay?
Yeah. No, a little bummed.
Mainly because half my nipple was ripped off.
I think there's something wrong with him.
Yeah, well. One day I'm going to make that
pale little dork mine.
- Hey. - Hey, yo.
Go. ♪ Oh baby baby ♪
♪ How was I supposed to know ♪
♪ That something wasn't right, yeah ♪
♪ Oh baby baby I shouldn't have let you go ♪
♪ 'Cause now you're outside, yeah ♪
♪ Show me how you want it to be ♪
♪ Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now well because ♪
♪ My loneliness is killing me, hey now ♪
♪ I must confess I still believe, still believe ♪
♪ When you're not with me I lose my mind ♪
♪ Give me a sign hit me baby one more time ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh baby, baby the reason I breathe is you ♪
♪ Boy you got me stranded oh pretty baby ♪
♪ There's nothing that I wouldn't do that's not the way I planned it ♪
♪ Show me, how you want it to be tell me baby ♪
♪ 'Cause I wanna know now well because ♪
♪ My loneliness is killing me and I ♪
♪ I must confess I still believe ♪
♪ Still believe ♪
♪ If I'm not with you I lose my mind ♪