[Engine Quits]
Don't-Don't. Damn.
Destiny's a pretty big concept when you think about it.
Where you are in life, how you got there...
what would have happened if one thing or another had been different.
To be honest...
I never gave it much thought, myself...
until today, June 14th...
my 35th birthday...
and without a doubt, the strangest day of my life.
Do you remember the old story that starts...
this guy goes into a bar?
Well, I'm the guy, and here's the story.
But wait a minute. I'm getting way ahead of myself.
To tell this story right...
I should start where it really begins...
20 years ago today, as a matter of fact.
June 14th, 1970, my 15th birthday...
and also a very strange day.
It was the all-state high school championship game...
bottom of the 9th, 2 outs.
Our school hadn't made it to the finals in 25 years...
so out of a town of 30,000 people...
38,000 showed up for the game.
Fillmore High had us by a run...
and it was a 3-2 count.
Fenwick was standing on 3rd...
like the bag was getting ready to explode under his feet.
The championship had come down to one batter...
Yeah, you guessed it...
yours truly, Larry Burrows.
Haskins was throwing fastballs...
because that was the only pitch he ever threw.
So I was ready for the next one.
Paste it, Lar! You can do it.
Have an eye!
Swing, babe, it's all yours!
Then something weird happened.
Don't ask me what it was...
'cause it only happened for a split second.
But that was enough to change my life forever.
Strike 3!
Why is it when you do something terrific...
9 times out of 10 you're alone...
but when you screw up really big...
the whole world is watching?
I wanted to crawl under home plate and never come out.
As usual...
my best friend, Clip Metzler, tried to cheer me up.
Clip's very big on novelty gags.
Aren't they cool?
I scared the crap out of my baby sister.
Want to try them on?
Thanks, Clipper...
but I'd kinda like to be alone.
Sure, Lar. Whatever you say.
I'll call you later. We'll see a movie.
We could see Bonnie and Clyde again.
- What do you say? - Sure, Clip.
Great!
I'll see you later then.
It was the worst moment of my life.
God, I felt bad.
Looks like you could use one of these.
Yeah, I must've gotten some dust in my eyes.
There was a lot of dust out there.
- Thanks. - You can keep it.
My aunt sends me 2 dozen every Christmas.
[Larry] What's E.J.R. Stand for?
Ellen Jane Ripley. What's your name?
Larry Joseph Burrows.
Nice to meet you, Larry.
I thought that was really sweet...
her not saying anything about me crying like a big baby.
Really sweet.
- Larry? - So I married her.
I've been calling you for the last 5 minutes.
Not right then, of course, but several years later.
Honey, were you thinking about...
that silly baseball game again?
No, no, not at all.
I was working on my '55 Porsche Spider.
I was, really.
Ain't it a beaut?
James Dean used to drive one of these...
only his was much bigger.
Ellen and I have a pretty regular life.
We have a 2-bedroom house in the suburbs...
that isn't quite finished...
and a contractor named Guzelman who doesn't want to quite finish it.
Hey, Mr. Guzelman, how are you?
I haven't seen you in the past 6 weeks.
I thought you were captured by some aliens.
I got your message. Problem with something?
Uh, yeah, it's the driveway.
What's wrong?
Well, do you think maybe we can pave it?
Well, you can't pave until the mud is all gone.
Then we just have to get rid of the mud, right?
I don't do mud.
You need a mud guy for that.
- "A mud guy"? - Yes.
- They have that? - A mud guy, yes.
- Anything else? - Now that you mention it...
it would be nice to have a front lawn.
I need a check for that.
- How much? - $1,000.
- Don't you know another number? - $2,000.
We have a dog named Sammy.
I found him in an alley, so I brought him home.
Sammy peed on the rug again.
Way to go, Sammy.
He has a nervous bladder, but a good heart.
We're out of Wheaties. Do we have another box?
No, I forgot to buy any. Sorry.
I've had Wheaties for breakfast every morning of my life...
since I was 6 years old.
Is it too much to ask that we keep an extra box on hand...
in the event of a crisis like this?
You gave Guzelman another check.
I did not give Guzelman another check!
You're pissed off, so you're taking it out on me.
Okay, okay, so I gave Guzelman another check.
Don't you hate it when somebody knows you that well?
You can't get away with anything.
But I guess that's just part of marriage.
So's the occasional argument.
[Ellen] They're tearing down �The Golf of Mexico. �
- That's where we went on our 1 st date. - That was our 2nd date.
It was our 1 st date.
You tripped over the grinning bandito and split your pants.
Our 1 st date was at Mr. Pizza.
You ate anchovies and belched all night.
That was our 3rd date, and I just burped a few times.
But we never argue about anything important...
and we always make up.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, see you after work.
I forgot.
I'm gonna be late tonight. There's a union meeting.
Another one? What for?
They want me to be chairman of the strike committee.
Somebody has to stop these management creeps...
from laying everybody off.
But it's my birthday.
What'd you say?
Never mind. Forget it.
She forgot.
I need some coffee.
Nothing had happened to make me think...
that this was going to be...
anything more than just another routine day at the office.
As usual, by the time I arrived...
there was no coffee left...
and no water.
Great.
So I did the only thing I could think of.
I've gotta have my coffee.
Why is it when you have a mouthful of freeze-dried, your boss walks in on you?
How they hanging?
- I'm not interrupting anything, am I? - No, Mr. Bumpers.
I'm having my coffee.
Lay off the �Mr. Bumpers�crap.
How many times do I gotta tell you?
We're both on the same team.
Jackie's a sweet guy, but kinda dumb for a company president.
In football, they called me "Cement head,"
but you can call me Jackie.
Yes, sir, Jackie.
I was going over the quarterly reports.
Damn fine work. A real touchdown.
- Just doing my job. - Don't think I don't appreciate it.
A quarterback's only as good as his linemen, right?
Yep.
I'm just a big, dumb jock who got lucky and married the boss' daughter.
It's guys like you that make me look like a hotshot.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
Well, Lar...
just keep up the good work, huh?
I just came by to see how you were doing.
Now, that's funny.
[Jackie] Toilet paper in the nose.
Why didn't I think of that?
I'm trying to get a promotion!
Will you relax? Your suck points are safe.
Believe me, Cement head didn't notice a thing.
Oh, Clip, you kill me.
Happy 35th, buddy.
Thanks, Clip.
I honestly didn't think anybody remembered.
This is great. Wow!
- Artificial puke. - That's the stuff we used to throw...
into the girls' locker room...
so they'd get scared and run out in their underwear.
This is the actual stuff? Mr. Green confiscated this.
He did...
next day, I broke in and confiscated it back.
- We had fun in those days. - We sure did.
Well, where's my "thank you" kiss?
No, Clip.
- No kiss. - Just one.
We're in the office. Stop it!
Why is it when your best friend's kissing you on the head...
a beautiful woman comes along and catches you?
Hi, CindyJo. How are you?
What a coincidence. Jackie was just here.
You know, your husband.
How've you been? We've been fine.
Clip and I are pretty good.
Work, work, that's all we do.
How've you been?
I've been fine.
Thank you for asking... 3 times.
Uh, well...
I just wanted to make absolutely sure.
CindyJo's father owns the company.
She's married to Jackie.
That's how a guy named �Cement Head� gets to be president.
Did Jackie go to his office?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure he did. He had lots of work to do.
Touchdowns and all that stuff.
It was nice seeing you again.
Bye, Clip.
[Giggle]
[Larry] Nice seeing you, too, Cindy.
Maybe it was because it was my birthday,
maybe it was seeing CindyJo, I don't know,
but I'd been thinking about what it would have been like...
if my life had turned out differently.
Do you ever have any regrets, Clip?
About how your life has turned out...
or about choices you made?
No!
- Oh... no. - Oh.
But I figure I didn't make all that many choices.
You know what my policy is? Do nothing and see what happens...
- and things always seem to turn out fine. - Yeah, for you.
Your problem is that nothing's ever good enough for you.
You've got the perfect life.
You've got a wonderful home, a terrific wife, a good job...
and the best friend money can buy.
What else could a guy want?
A little excitement would be nice.
I am so mad, I could scream.
Maddie and heather were both laid off...
due to slow sales or some bullshit like that.
They are laying people off, making us work double shifts...
- to keep production levels up. - She's got a point.
I did an inventory check, and there's a surplus.
Technically, we should be cutting back on production.
Can you check into it, Larry?
The next person to be laid off could be me.
Looking back, I should have said no...
but I didn't.
I'll look into it.
Because I'm an idiot.
Honey, come on.
What? She always kisses me.
I'm eating.
When the head of my department, Niles Pender...
announced he was raising production levels...
I couldn't keep my big idiot mouth shut.
Ahem.
A comment, Burrows, or phlegm rising in your throat?
Um, well...
just a thought here, Niles.
Why do we need more product...
when we have a surplus inventory?
On what are you basing this so-called surplus?
On the fact that...
that I recently counted every box in the warehouse.
I would say we have a problem with our perception of reality.
Sorry to barge in.
Do Jackie and I need to be here?
Not at all, Mr. Hansen. Just production details.
Leo Hansen owns the company. He's a very sweet man...
but he doesn't have a clue about what's going on.
Then it's off to the golf course.
Jackie's gonna show me how to get rid of my slice.
I speak for all of us when I say...
that is wonderful news.
What time is that meeting with Mr. Nakamura?
8:00, sir.
But we have a dinner reservation at 9:00.
We have some important business to finalize, sir.
Well...
Well, maybe I'd better cancel the reservation.
That's an excellent idea.
That's what I'll do, then. Good-bye, y'all.
Touchdowns, everyone.
Incredible.
Since we seem to have a disagreement over the inventory...
I suggest you check it again.
Well, that would take about 3 or 4 days.
I don't see a problem.
Do you see a problem with that?
Well...
do you, Burrows?
No, sir.
I should have told Niles about the surplus myself...
but the guy scares the shit out of me.
Don't worry. He's an asshole.
I'll make it up to you somehow.
Guess what's playing with In the Heat of the Night.
- What? - Bonnie and Clyde.
We haven't seen it in about 20 years.
- Do you want to go? - Of course I want to go.
Great. I'll see you later then.
All right, Clip.
Oh, and Larry?
You shouldn't be talking to me.
After all, you've got a lot of boxes to count.
- Thanks for reminding me. - Heh-heh-heh.
Get outta here. What a jerk.
Excuse me. Would you mind stepping back?
You wouldn't want me to fork you to death, would you?
No.
No, we couldn't have that.
After all, we hardly know each other.
Since when does that matter?
All right, you, get back to work.
I know what you're thinking.
Sometimes, I get the feeling...
I'm missing out on something.
[Man] What she's got, you don't need.
You sure?
Not absolutely...
but if I tried to find out...
your mother would kill me.
You're the dad every kid dreams of.
Don't be such a wise guy.
Petey Fleckman just got canned.
That's 3 guys since yesterday.
Something stinks, and I don't mean...
the meat loaf in the cafeteria.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, hey, look at this.
That's the same bunch he had down here last week.
- Who are they? - Who knows?
Niles is trying to pass them off...
as some championship baseball team from Osaka.
One of them thinks Mickey Mantle is something over a mouse's fireplace.
You're in management.
- Check around a little, will ya? - Yeah.
- I'll see what I can find out. - You're aces, kid.
Looking back, I should have said no to Dad...
but I didn't.
I was beginning to think that maybe something was going on.
I decided to look around Niles' office...
to see if I could find anything.
I'd been an idiot all morning, anyway...
so I figured, why stop now?
[Phone Rings]
Shit.
[Ringing]
�Leveraged buy out via Metasport. �
What the hell's Metasport?
Shit.
Why is it, every time you break into your boss� office...
he always walks in on you?
Lose something, Burrows?
Something tells me I have.
Well, that brings me back to where I began...
In the middle of nowhere with a car that won't start.
All things considered...
it had turned into a pretty rotten birthday.
But nothing in my wildest imagination...
could have prepared me for what came next.
Evening.
Hi.
You got a pay phone?
Right there.
Thanks.
[Sigh]
Yeah, hi. It's me again.
I'm gonna need another tow.
I'm on the corner of Cross and 3rd...
next to a bar.
Yeah, the station wagon...
the big blue piece of shit.
I'll get a new car.
All right.
"Get a new car." I've gotta get a new life.
Car trouble, huh?
Yeah.
Tow truck will be here in 20 minutes.
- Can I get you something? - I could sure use it.
Light beer, no glass, right?
Yeah. How did you know?
Just a guess.
Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
You seem familiar to me, too.
Name's Mike.
Larry.
Larry Burrows, right? You're the kid...
who lost the high school championship in 1970.
Jesus heavenly Christ.
If I'd known it was a sore point...
I wouldn't have brought it up.
Forget it. I'm getting used to it.
This whole day's been a nightmare.
- Care to talk about it? - It's lots of things.
I didn't have my cereal this morning.
Didn't have my coffee at work.
I got fired.
It's my 35th birthday, and everyone forgot.
Almost everyone. I got vomit from Clip.
Well...
- happy birthday. - Thanks, Mike.
35 years old, and my life is shit.
It can't be that bad.
It's not that it's bad...
it's just that it's ordinary.
I do the same thing every day.
Go to work, come home;
build some model cars or go bowling;
fall asleep in front of the TV.
If I'd have just hit that goddamn ball...
my life would have turned out a lot better.
Some people believe that...
things are the way they are for a reason.
The reason eludes me.
Can I have another one?
Listen...
I've got just the thing for a sober cynic...
like yourself.
It's a little something of my own design.
I call it...
�The Spilt Milk. �
It's the one drink there's no use crying over.
Very clever, Mike.
It does the job. Try it.
[Sniff]
So you think your life would have been better...
if you'd hit the ball, huh?
Yeah...
a lot better.
I swung too late, that's all.
Yeah.
If I'd just started a half-a-second sooner.
I did it, I did it!
Yeah!
Half-a-second sooner, and I would have been king.
A lousy half-a-second.
I think I'll go outside and wait for the tow truck.
Thanks for the sympathetic ear, Mike.
Anytime, Larry. That's what I'm here for.
Oh, great.
They towed my car already.
You'd think they could've at least come in and told me.
Is he closed already?
Ah, damn. Hey, Mike!
Mike, I need to call a cab!
It's paved.
What do you know?
Old Guzelman came through after all.
Must've found a mud guy.
Hey, Ellen?
Let me in, will ya? I gotta use the can.
Come on, honey. My key won't work.
What the hell are ya doin' banging on my door?
Who are you? What's going on here?
What have you done with my wife?
What are you talking about?
Look, take whatever you need and leave.
If you don't hurt anybody, I won't call the cops.
Cops? Man, I am a cop.
Just what's your problem?
I don't have a problem. I live here.
What are you doing in my house?
Your house? Show me some I.D., pal.
Yeah, okay.
You're gonna feel like a fool.
I've lived here for over a year.
"Lawrence J. Burrows...
�11653 Bonny Meadow Lane...
Forest Hills. �
Where'd I get this license?
Probably from the D.M.V. Where everybody gets theirs.
This is my house and I want to see my wife.
Now step outta my way.
Try to come in and I'll kick your ass.
I don't care. I'm coming in.
- No, you're not! - Yes, I am!
- You're not! - I am!
Larry?
Mike!
- What are you doing here? - We need to talk.
I gotta get in my house.
That's one of the things we need to talk about.
You don't live there.
What?
Even the cab driver knows you don't live here.
Now beat it!
[Mike] It's all very simple, really.
You know that little incident...
you didn't like about your life?
The baseball game?
- It's been changed. - Changed?
What do you mean?
You hit the 3-2 pitch...
out of the park.
That's why I don't live in my house?
Exactly. When that moment changed...
everything else in your life changed.
Ha, ha! I get it.
I get it now.
This is great, just great.
What did they pay you for this?
- What does who pay me? - Ellen and Clipster.
This is some kind of birthday gag, right?
This is really great.
Who was that big guy at the house?
Another actor?
Boy, he scared the shit out of me.
I don't think you understand.
Shhh, I don't want to hear a thing.
I just want to play along with it.
Do you do this a lot, change people's lives?
I've been known to make a few adjustments now and again.
[Larry] I live in a hotel?
It's a private home, and it's all yours.
Yeah, right.
Wait here until I get to the door.
- You wouldn't want to miss the expression on my face. - Not for all the world.
I assume you're taken care of...
but here's $5.00. You were really great.
Wow, this must've cost them a fortune.
I'm here at the door to my new home.
I'm Larry Burrows, but you probably already know that.
Yes, of course, sir.
Is my wife here? As if I didn't know.
Of course she is.
Wow, nice setup.
I didn't know you could rent places like this for parties.
- What's your name? - It's Boswell, sir.
Good name. You pick that yourself?
Here, here. Here's a fin.
Get yourself something nice.
- "A fin"? - Boswell...
watch how surprised I'm gonna be.
Get ready with the Academy Award.
Honey, I'm here!
It's me!
You're home! I was so worried.
Daddy, Daddy, did you bring us something?
Ludwig went to pick you up...
- but they said you'd already left. - CindyJo.
What are you doing here? Are you in on this?
Where's Clip and Ellen?
Who are Clip and Ellen? What are you talking about?
- My surprise birthday party. - It's in 2 hours.
You told me you didn't want it to be a surprise...
because you hate surprises.
Darling, what's wrong?
Nothing... is wrong.
Will you excuse me a minute?
Whew!
Mike!
What the hell's going on?
Why is CindyJo calling me sweetheart?
Who are those kids? What is this place?
This is your house. Those are your children.
CindyJo's your wife.
No-o-o!
Yes.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm not.
I mean, this kind of thing doesn't happen every day.
It is remarkable, if I do say so myself.
I don't understand.
How can my life change so much...
just because I hit one baseball?
You see, Larry, one's destiny...
is a very complicated thing.
Every incident in a person's life...
affects everything else that follows it.
Instead of missing the baseball, you hit it.
Then you became a hero, married the prom queen...
and so on and so forth...
until you find yourself exactly where you are.
So you see...
hitting that baseball...
has spun your life off in an entirely new direction.
Are you an angel or something?
Not exactly, no.
What are you?
Have you ever been faced with a decision...
and you weren't sure what to do?
Sure, plenty of times.
And then something inside you made you choose one direction over another?
Yeah. So?
So that's me.
I make the suggestions, and you make the choices.
That's how destiny works...
very subtly.
Welcome to your new life, Larry.
I hope you like it.
Mike.
Hey, wait a second.
Mike, hey!
Mike! Mike!
What am I supposed to do now?
Hi, it's me again. Larry Burrows.
Why did you run out of the house?
Um...
I forgot to tip the cabbie.
You took a cab? Why didn't you wait for Ludwig?
Ludwig?
Oh, Ludwig, good old Ludwig.
I didn't wait for Ludwig because...
I can't remember his...
face.
You must be very tired, sweetheart.
Yes.
Go into the library...
and have a nice drink before dinner.
Okay.
By the way, where's the library?
It's over there.
Great. Yeah, thanks.
So, I'll just be in the library...
having a drink.
Thanks again.
Geez!
I must belong to the Book-of-the-Month Club.
Oh, Boswell! How you doin'?
Am I glad to see you.
Your evening drink, sir.
- What is it? - Armagnac.
1953.
Whoa! I'm going to pass.
What I could use is a nice cold brewsky.
- I'm parched. - A brewsky, sir?
Light, if you've got it, no glass.
Can you tell me where the can is?
Had a couple of drinks after work. Know what I mean?
- The can, sir? - Yeah, the bathroom.
Well, sir, there are 15 bathrooms.
15 bathrooms?
Did you have any particular one in mind?
No. Nothing special. The nearest one will do.
Through that door, down the hall.
Thank you.
Brewsky.
A closet.
Another closet.
15 bathrooms, you'd think I could find one.
Maybe this is it.
My God, I've died and gone to heaven.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you like to go for a ride before dinner?
No, thanks.
Tell me, who do these cars belong to?
They belong to you, sir.
- Get the hell out of here! - As you wish.
[Applause]
Hey, wow...
a big hunk of cheese!
It's just what I wanted.
- It's Stilton, L.J. - Thank you, Mr. Stilton.
It goes great with tomato, mayonnaise, and pumpernickel.
Thank you for remembering my birthday.
The gifts are terrific.
Thank you, Mr. Stilton.
- And you, Mr. Steuben, for the big hunk of glass. - My pleasure.
Hey, L.J.
Dad, you're here.
Many happy returns. Swell shindig!
Say hello to Gina. Gina, my kid.
Very nice to make your acquaintance.
We met in Morocco, Club Med, know what I mean.
Will you excuse us?
- Go have more caviar. - Okay.
Nice to have met you, L.J.
She loves caviar. Thinks it's salty candy.
I haven't told her it's fish eggs.
Are you crazy bringing her here?
What if mom found out? She'd skin you alive!
Relax. We signed the papers a week ago.
I'm free and clear. What do you think... hot stuff!
[L.J.] What papers?
Divorce papers.
You and mom are divorced?
Of course. Nothing lasts forever.
You told me so.
- I said that? - You were right, too.
Can you spot me 10 grand?
Gina's killin' me to take her to St. Bart's.
You're aces, kid.
Your guests are wondering if you're all right.
What's the matter?
My parents are divorced.
Of course. Everybody's parents are.
Go be a good host.
Excuse me a moment.
You didn't tell me they were divorced!
This is quite good caviar.
My parents are divorced, for Christ's sake!
I know.
I didn't expect that!
Is there anything else that will come as a shock?
It all will, to some degree.
- To what degree? - You'll see.
Things changed. You have to take the bad with the good.
Didn't think everything would be perfect, did you?
Well, l...
I suppose not.
This is your life, Larry.
Learn to enjoy what you've got.
A brewsky, sir?
Good night.
Bye-bye.
I've got some great friends, don't you think?
They give terrific gifts!
You have one more coming.
I'll see you upstairs.
CindyJo?
Are you in here?
I'm over here.
Happy birthday, darling.
God help me.
Morning, Bos. Sleep well?
I didn't, if know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean.
This house has a lot of big rooms.
Isn't this a little drab for such a happy guy?
You always wear blue pinstripe to board meetings.
Board meetings?
Son of a bitch. I'm married to CindyJo!
That means I'm president of Liberty Republic.
Indeed, sir.
For some time now.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I knew that.
I'm so happy about it, I like to remind myself.
Oh.
Good morning, kids.
Morning, Father.
Ah, crescent rolls!
Very nice.
Very nice, indeed.
Larry Burrows. How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
What's this? Cream of Wheat?
It's cappuccino, Daddy.
Italian dark roast coffee and steamed whole milk.
Right, I knew that.
That'll keep you up the rest of your life!
It's nice. Should you kids be drinking this?
We always do.
I guess it's all right, then.
Morning!
Hi.
You were wonderful last night.
So were you.
I had no idea you could do that with Cool Whip.
Wow!
I told you we could beat that train through the crossing.
So you did, sir.
Give yourself a raise. One hundred bucks a week!
You're all right.
Wow!
This is my office?
This will take some getting used to.
Nice desk!
I wonder how it works.
There's got to be an "on" switch somewhere.
How about that? The desk is wired to my ass.
[Buzzer]
[Secretary] Good morning, Mr. Burrows.
- Hi. How are you? - Can I get you something?
No, I'm fine. Coffee!
I'd really like a cup of coffee.
Right away. Mr. Pender and Mr. Flick are on their way.
You're kidding! Those jerks still work here?
- Pardon? - Nothing. Nothing at all.
Do me a favor.
Find out if Clip Metzler or Ellen Burr...
Ripley... Ellen Ripley, work here.
Metzler works in accounting. I'll have to check on Ripley.
Thanks, and tell Pender and Flick that, uh...
I can't be disturbed.
- I'm too busy. I've got lots of buttons to push. - Yes, sir.
Over and out.
Let's see.
Where's the bar?
I'm going to love this place.
All right! The good stuff.
I know you. You're the forklift girl.
Great, thanks.
I've been trying to get regular coffee for days.
Then again, maybe I don't need coffee.
Where the hell were you last night?
I waited until midnight, and went to bed... alone.
I'm sorry.
Jewel!
Forgotten my name already?
Jewel, I knew that.
I'm real, real sorry.
I guess I couldn't make it.
- I had this party... - Couldn't make it?
Were you out with that Ripley bitch?
Does she works here?
No, she does not work here.
If she suddenly starts working here...
you're going to live to regret it.
What do you say we double your salary?
I know what you're capable of, L.J.
Don't mess with me...
or you'll find out what I'm capable of.
Am I making myself perfectly clear?
- Perfectly. - [Niles] We need to talk.
Whoa.
Hi, guys. Come in.
I'm glad to see you.
About the plan, I've got to tell Bob either way.
I think it's a big mistake to set up New Jersey.
We need to talk about the country club.
We have to go over the Nakamura deal...
before we sign the papers. Are we on?
- For New Jersey? - No, for golf.
Excuse me.
Am I disturbing you?
Mr. Hansen, come in.
Come in. Mr. Hansen!
Come on in, please.
What can I do for you?
I wanted to apologize for not appearing at your party.
My ulcer was acting up.
You didn't miss a thing. I got some cheese and a glass thing.
- A what? - You know...
Excuse me.
We should go. We tee off in 15 minutes.
Oh, right.
Would you like to golf with us?
- I play golf, you know. - Really?
- You want to play golf with me? - Sure. Come on.
I can help you get rid of that slice or whatever.
It slipped.
Can I use yours?
- Sure. - Thanks.
It's not like a baseball bat.
That was dirt.
- That'll grow back, right? - We'll fix it.
This is the real one.
- It's not supposed to go over there? - No, sir.
It's supposed to go in the hole... on the green.
Oh. All right. Leo, come on.
Let's take the cart and find the ball.
I don't get it.
Are you deaf, dumb, and blind?
The Jerry Lewis routine is to lull the old geezer...
into a false sense of security...
before he sells the company out from under him.
It's brilliant. It's my idea.
Hey, how you doing?
Good to see you.
You're doing a great job and I want you to know that.
Keep up the good work.
[Worker] What's with him?
As president, I should do something about this line...
don't you think?
Oh, my God.
Ellen!
It's me, Larry. Am I glad to see you.
I've been wondering where you were.
I beg your pardon?
They told me you didn't work here.
There's no record of a Ripley or a Burrows.
My name is Robertson.
Robertson? Why that name?
It's customary for a woman to take her husband's name.
If you'll excuse me.
You're married? When did that happen?
Six years ago. Don't worry, it wasn't on company time.
Wait. You married the first guy that came along?
Just because I work for you does not give you the right...
to pry into my private life.
Well, of course it doesn't.
I'm just concerned...
as I am about all my employees...
Mrs. Robertson.
Concern for employees has never been your strong suit.
Now, excuse me.
I'd like to eat my lunch by myself.
Yeah, but... couldn't we...
You really must do something...
about this meat loaf, Larry.
It's absolutely inedible.
Ellen's married.
Yes, I know.
She's mad at me, I can tell.
She's the union shop steward.
And the union's upset over all the layoffs...
the increased work load, pay freezes...
What's that got to do with me?
You are the president, their mortal enemy.
- But I wouldn't lay anybody off. - But you did.
And so... Ellen hates your guts.
She hates my personal guts?
You'll find a lot of people don't like you.
What am I going to do? I can't have her hating me.
She's my wife.
She was your wife.
I have to go. This meat loaf is making me sick.
What am I going to do about Ellen?
Whatever you do will be fine.
You're a big help.
I think it's busted, pal.
Huh?
Clip, it's you!
Oh, my God, Mr. Burrows, sir.
Don't call me sir, Clip. It's me, Lar.
Come here and give me a hug.
God, I miss you.
It was an accident. I'll pay for damages!
Forget it. I want to kiss the top of your head.
Clip?
Clip, what's the matter with you?
Clipster, it's me...
Larry.
Larry, we're going to be late.
What on earth are you doing?
I don't feel like going to the opera tonight.
I never cared for it that much...
all that hollering in Italian.
What's that?
This is a gullwing Mercedes.
Pretty, isn't it?
Yes, dear.
You have one in the garage.
That one's too big. I like them smaller.
Children, wait in the car.
- Darling? - Hmm?
Are you all right?
You've been acting very strange lately.
No, I'm fine!
Really.
You guys go ahead. Have a good time.
I just want to finish this.
I can't believe Ellen married another guy.
Wow, nice house!
It's better than the one we had.
I just wanted to borrow some cutlery, Ellen.
I have no cutlery. None!
I'm asking for a couple of lousy knives and forks.
Ask your girlfriend...
or does the little bitch eat with her fingers?
I made a mistake and I'm very sorry for it.
Can we put all this behind us?
Atta girl!
Guess not.
This is good. This is very good.
- [Bark] - Aaah! Ow!
What's the matter, Hercules?
You wanna go out?
Okay, come on.
Come on!
Shoo! Get away.
Scram! Beat it!
Go rescue some skiers in the Alps.
[Bark, Bark]
We'll see who falls asleep first.
[Bark, Bark]
Asshole.
[Snoring]
Ow!
Stupid dog.
Stupid tree.
[Siren]
- Good morning, chief. - What's going on?
- Who's that? - I don't know...
some lunatic named, ah, what's his name?
Metzbaum, Metsfield? He's in accounting.
Metzler?
- Clip Metzler? - Yeah.
- He's threatening to jump. - Jesus, Clip!
Clip?
- What are you doing? - Stay back, Mr. Burrows.
Don't get closer or I'll jump.
Okay, I'm not going to come any closer.
I just want to talk.
If there's something wrong, maybe I can help.
It's a little late for that, Mr. Burrows.
My whole life's been a disaster.
Nothing I do ever works out.
After what happened yesterday, I know you're gonna fire me.
Look, Clip, I'm not gonna fire you.
All right?
In fact, I came up to offer you a new job.
How 'bout vice president?
$ 125,000 to start.
- Really? - Yeah, really!
[Siren]
I get it.
You're trying to trick me. Soon as I get down...
there's no job, and I'm off to the funny farm.
Don't try to kid me, Mr. Burrows.
I'm not kidding, Clip.
Nothing will happen. I mean it.
Why else would I come up here myself?
I don't know.
Why did you come up here?
Because we're friends, Clip.
Remember the 8th grade when we used to hang around together?
We'd throw rubber vomit in the girls' locker room...
and they'd run out in their underwear.
- You remember that? - Yeah, of course I do!
We went to see Bonnie and Clyde 9 times.
We squirted ketchup on ourselves...
and ran all over dying in slow motion.
[Chuckle] That was fun.
[Chuckling]
It scared the crap out of my baby sister.
And I remember...
how you tried to make me laugh when I felt rotten.
I, l...
I didn't think you thought about that stuff anymore.
Aw, Clip...
I think about that stuff all the time.
Clip, I want you to go home...
relax, have a nice meal...
shave, shower, get some sleep.
Tomorrow, you start your new job, new salary.
Thanks, Mr. Burrows.
Take care of yourself, be careful.
Pender!
Well done, L.J.
Want me to fire him?
No, I don't want you to fire him.
I want you to get him a new Mercedes.
A senior vice president of East Coast sales...
can't be seen in anything less.
Mercedes? L.J., I didn't even get one.
While you're at it...
get the board together for a full meeting.
We're gonna put an end to this strike bullshit.
But...
I don't have a problem with that, Pender, do you?
Well, do you, Pender?
No, sir! No problem.
I didn't think so.
I just finished reading the latest contract demands.
And... they seem very reasonable.
Reasonable? But, L. J...
In fact...
I'm prepared to agree to all of them under one condition.
That the head of the negotiating committee...
meet with me alone to go over the final details.
Perhaps over dinner tonight?
There are a few things you're forgetting about.
Dinner? I don't know why that'd be necessary.
Strictly business!
You want to bring this dispute to an end, don't you?
Yes, of course I do.
I'll pick you up at 8:00. How's that?
I don't think we should be so hasty.
Okay.
Good! It's a date.
I'm gonna nail this bastard.
[Whistling]
[Gasp]
Oh, don't do that, Mike.
Congratulations, Larry.
It's a brave man who takes command of his own destiny.
Thanks, I feel good about it myself.
You don't feel guilty running around with Ellen...
- behind CindyJo's back? - Guilty?
Why should I feel guilty? I just got here.
It's not like I have a history with CindyJo.
Well, okay, fine.
Wait a second.
What do you mean, "Well, okay, fine"?
Nothing. It's just...
CindyJo has been a loyal and loving wife.
What are you getting at?
Your destiny has been changed, by request, I might add.
You must take responsibility...
for the circumstances of your new life.
They are, after all, of your own making.
Well, if I made them, I can unmake them.
Good evening, Mr. Burrows.
Hi.
Any trouble finding the place?
No trouble at all.
That's good.
These are for you.
They're lovely.
- [Growling] - Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm afraid Hercules got dog drool all over them.
How'd you know his name was Hercules?
It's on his tag...
that I've been staring at for the past 5 minutes.
Okay, boy. Come here, Hercules.
Hercules!
Nice doggy, good doggy.
I don't think he likes me.
He's an exceptional judge of character.
We aren't starting off well, are we?
There is only so far I'll go...
- for my union brothers and sisters, Mr. Burrows. - Call me Lar.
We agreed to keep this evening on a business level.
- Correct? - Absolutely.
God, I forgot how beautiful you are.
Mr. Burrows, if this is your attempt to soften me up...
so you can win concessions from the union...
I don't want concessions.
The contracts are as good as signed.
You could have done that at the meeting.
- What are you up to? - Nothing!
I just thought we'd get to know each other again...
uh, better.
- Wait, just wait. - Yes, sir.
No, no, I'll get it.
Wait, I'll get the door.
My dear.
[Ring]
Hello?
Let me talk to Mrs. Burrows.
This is Mrs. Burrows.
This way.
Enjoy your meal.
This place is all right, huh?
- You sound like you've never been here. - I haven't.
My secretary made the reservations.
- I'm a pizza and burger man. - Monsieur Burrows, comment sa va?
Pizza and burger man, huh?
The chef has prepared something special for you.
- Great. - [Speaking French]
Bring 2 of them.
It's food, right? Good.
I ordered for the both of us. I hope you don't mind.
Ahem.
May I bring for you some wine?
Yes. I understand the French make it pretty good.
No, thank you. I'll just have...
Virgin Mary, Tabasco sauce, lime, no ground pepper.
Right?
I'm impressed.
You must have had your spies working overtime.
I'll have a light beer, no glass.
Spies? I don't have spies.
I just happen to know a lot about you.
Well, I know a few things about you.
Yeah? Like what?
Nothing I could repeat.
That bad, huh?
The only thing that doesn't fit...
is what you did for Clip this afternoon.
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Try me.
How well do you remember 1970?
[Silent]
Bastard.
You bastard!
That's why I did what I did for Clip.
That's how come I know so much about you.
Because...
we were married.
Exactly!
Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?
Well...
I didn't think you'd believe me.
I probably shouldn't have told you.
Forget I said anything.
Ah! Dinner.
Voila.
Boy! It looks pretty good.
- Do we know what this is? - Pan de veau, madam.
Calf brains. Bon appetit.
% Wow! I feel good%
% I knew that I would%
We'd like a large pizza, double cheese...
pepperoni, mushrooms and anchovies.
But only on half, because anchovies give her heartburn.
Right?
- Right. - Got it?
Yes, sir. That'll be about 20 minutes.
20 minutes.
- This way, my dear. And a couple of sodas. - Got it.
Tell the truth. How do you know so much about me?
You spy on your employees?
No, I don't I already told you.
Right. We were married.
Exactly! Thank you.
- You're not going to give up, are you? - No way.
If we weren't married, how could I know...
that you sleep in your dad's old flannel shirt?
Spies.
How come I know that every night...
you brush your hair exactly 86 times?
Spies.
Yeah.
I know your favorite body part is the earlobe.
Your favorite actor is William Bendix...
because he looks like Uncle Bud...
whose wife sent 2 dozen handkerchiefs every Christmas...
with E.J.R. Embroidered in the corner.
That's not the kind of stuff you get from spies, is it?
There's got to be a logical explanation.
You couldn't possibly know those things.
I know everything.
Go ahead, ask me.
Ask me something I couldn't possibly know.
But if I'm right...
will you believe we were married in another life?
Maybe.
All right.
Give me your best shot.
All right.
The day I got my driver's license...
October 23, 1970. Right?
- My dad let me take the car. - Oldsmobile, vinyl top...
2 blocks from my house, I got pulled over for speeding.
I never told anyone.
Paid for the ticket out of my own allowance.
Want the name of the cop?
No.
I want the name of the song on the radio.
That's it?
That's your best shot?
Let's see. It's not "Mack the Knife."
It's not "happy Birthday."
It's not Motley Crue. They weren't born yet.
Is it...
this one?
% %
Oh, God.
% %
% Hey%
% Well my temperature's rising and my feet are on the floor%
%20 people knocking 'cause they're wantin' some more%
% Let me in baby I don't know what you've got%
% Better take it easy this place is hot%
% And I'm so glad we made it%
% So glad we made it%
% You got to%
% Gimme some lovin' gimme, gimme some lovin'%
% Gimme some lovin' every day%
% Hey%
% Well I feel so good everything is sounding hot%
% You better take it easy this place is on fire%
% Been a hard day and I don't know what to do%
% Wait a minute baby it could happen to you%
% And I'm so glad we made it%
% %
% So glad we made it%
% You got to%
% Gimme some lovin' gimme gimme some lovin'%
% Gimme some lovin' gimme gimme some lovin'% %
You going to invite me in for a nightcap...
to celebrate the end of our negotiations?
I don't think that's a good idea.
Maybe after the contracts are signed.
Okay. I understand.
We'll have to get those contracts signed quickly.
Got a pen? I could do it now.
Good night, Mr. Burrows.
Larry, please.
I had a fun evening. Thanks.
I did, too.
Brought back a lot of good memories.
Well...
good night.
- Larry! - Yes?
If we had such a great life together...
why did you want it changed?
I guess...
I just didn't know what I had.
You didn't have to wait up for me.
- Larry, who is she? - Who's who?
The bimbo you had dinner with.
Oh, her?
She's a, uh...
detective from the police force...
Larry, stop lying.
All right. No more lies.
How well do you remember 1970?
[Larry] Cindy?
CindyJo? Come on.
I swear it's the truth, honest.
I'm standing here without any clo...
Thank you. Could I have my shoes...
You're kind. I appreciate it.
Could I come up and change?
I can change in the garage.
[Phone Ring]
- [Glass Breaking] - Oops, I did it again.
- [Ring] - You'd think I'd get it right.
Oh, well. Hello?
Daddy?
Larry's fallen in love with someone else.
Oh, my!
Yes, dear, I know I own the company, but...
All right, I will. Yes, dear.
You take a Valium and go to bed.
Okay. Good-bye.
Fire L.J. Burrows? How do I fire him?
L.J., you're fired!
L.J., you are fired!
L.J., you rotten son-of-a-bitch...
you can't do that to my baby girl.
You're fired!
That's not bad.
Maybe I'll just write him a letter...
and leave it in his office. That would be better.
"Dear L. J...
you rotten son-of-a-bitch."
It's very simple.
They'll think he was in the wrong place at the wrong time...
and became the poor, innocent victim...
of murderous thieves.
The little prick!
With him out of the way...
the Nakamura deal can proceed as planned.
What if he doesn't show up?
Stop being such a geek.
Of course he'll show.
After his wife throws him out...
where else would he go?
Where do you think you're going, big fella?
Sorry, Niles.
- I can't go through with it. - Fine.
I don't need your help.
Nobody...
double-crosses Niles Pender...
out of 120 million bucks!
Oh, that old saint.
I'm not afraid of that.
Hope there's nobody in here.
[Thud]
[Niles] Shit!
Is God smiling on me...
or what?
Oh, God. Mr. Hansen?
Mr. Hansen.
Cover him. He's got a weapon.
Let's go.
I'm telling you, I didn't know he was going to fire me.
I didn't see any letter.
If I had, I wouldn't have killed him.
Niles Pender is the one. I'm innocent!
Niles set this whole thing up.
He's trying to take over the company.
He killed Leo. Leo's my friend.
I just golfed with him. I wouldn't hurt him.
Pender was the one.
Look, Officer...
I want to make a phone call. And I need a lawyer.
Jewel!
Think you can write me off like a bad debt?
Time to pay up, mister.
Ouch, ouch!
Help, help!
Ellen!
Ellen.
Larry, what is it?
I've got to go and you've got to come with me.
Whoa, slow down.
What's going on?
Nothing. I just want to be with you.
Like we were before.
I know you don't think it will work...
but it will because we've already done it.
Are you talking about that previous life thing?
Yes.
We'll have Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and birthdays...
and breakfast, just like it was.
I don't mean to rush, but we've got to go.
Wait a minute.
It all sounds wonderful, but...
after dinner I started thinking about things.
About what has real importance to me.
- [Door Closing] - Me, too, and know what? It's us being together...
What's the matter?
[Tom] Hello.
Tom, this is my boss.
Larry, my husband, Tom.
Hi, Tom.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Burrows.
Nice to meet you.
What's going on?
Nothing's going on.
I'm going out of town...
so I came to say "so long."
Well...
so long.
I've got to tell him one thing.
Larry?
I was wrong about you.
I think you are a wonderful man.
I wish it could have been different between us.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Sorry.
Wait a minute.
That's bullshit! It was meant to be!
[Siren]
Jesus!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, not Sammy.
I'm sorry. It's all my fault.
- I'm sorry. - [Siren]
I'm sorry.
I give up.
Oh, my God!
Mike!
Mike?
Where are you?
Mike, I need you.
[Siren]
Disgusting.
Okay.
I'm coming.
Don't shoot. I'm not armed.
Somebody here call for a tow truck?
Tow truck?
You all right?
I'm back.
Son-of-a-bitch, I'm back!
[Mike] Back from where?
You've been here the whole time.
I'm really back!
You've always been here.
Sure I have, you old destiny-bender.
I love this guy. He's great.
I just love this guy!
Thanks.
Thanks for everything.
The good and the bad.
You sure know how to make a point.
Whatever you've got planned for the rest of my life...
it's perfect.
Happy birthday, Larry.
Thanks, Mike.
Haven't seen you before. You the new guy?
What's your name?
Duncan.
You're going to be familiar with me and this piece of...
Nakamura's going to sign the deal at 8:00, in 10 minutes.
Give me a ride!
- I've got to hook up the car. - Forget it!
And therefore, gentlemen...
it's our recommendation to accept Nakamura's...
generous, creative buy-out offer...
of $35 a share.
Just sign here, Mr. Hansen.
You really think this is a good idea?
Without question.
What do you think you're doing?
Sorry, Jackie. Sorry, Mr. Hansen.
I'm tired of assholes getting ahead...
while decent people get the shaft.
What's this all about?
Niles and Lewis...
are buying company stock through a dummy corporation...
while encouraging the board to sell out to Nakamura.
Right here.
The one with all the mud in the driveway.
- Thanks for the lift. - No problem.
I'll get your car.
What do you want me to do with it?
Keep it. I'm going to buy a new one.
I'll figure out how to pay for it later.
Take care.
Damn, I forgot.
Ellen's at the strike meeting.
Surprise!
Ellen!
Happy 35th!
Look at all of you!
Clip! Dad!
I've missed all you guys so much!
You have?
I'd forgotten how beautiful you are.
Wait until I tell you what happened.
You're not going to believe it.
Clip told us. It's okay, we'll manage.
- I'll work overtime... - Not that.
I can get a new job anywhere.
I'm just so glad to see everyone.
Sammy! Where's Sammy?
Sammy!
Oh, Sammy!
I love you, too, baby.
We'll go driving all weekend.
Were you really surprised?
This whole day has been surprising.
- Hungry? - No, but I'd love coffee.
I forgot to buy any. I'll get some tomorrow.
Clip!
Did I miss you!
You look so...
- So... - hot? Thank you.
Happy 35th, buddy.
- Clip. - This is your real present.
I gave you the vomit to throw you off.
It worked.
Like a charm.
It's a Mercedes. Like it?
Clip, I love it.
I've always wanted one of these.
Thanks.
Hey.
Check out my date.
Is she a killer, or what?
Definitely a killer.
Yeah.
- Hi. - [Doorbell]
I'll have a light beer.
- Jackie, CindyJo! - We don't want to interrupt.
- Come in, please. - This will just take a minute.
- What's up? - Niles and Lewis confessed to everything.
That was a real touchdown.
We just dropped by to say thanks.
You ran out so fast...
I had to get home. It's my birthday.
I've got a little present for you.
The board voted to offer you Niles� job...
executive vice-president.
I don't know.
So much has happened today.
I'll think about it.
$125,000 to start, and a Mercedes.
- Thought's over. - Wonderful!
That's great! Thank you.
Hungry or thirsty?
Time out.
Hi, Larry.
Hi, CindyJo.
If I'd known about your birthday I'd have gotten you something.
Well, CindyJo...
you've already given me...
more than you could possibly know, really.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
[Larry] Well, that's it.
That was my 35th birthday.
I told you it was weird.
It's so weird, I probably shouldn't talk about it.
I mean, who'd believe me?
I'm not sure I believe it myself.
Way to go, Burrows!
[Mike] Saw the game, kid.
Tough break.
You said it, mister.
I blew it good.
Don't worry too much about it.
Remember...
you've got your whole life to look forward to.
Things will work out just fine.
Trust me.
Old fart.
What the hell does he know?
% Only you%
% Can make all this world seem bright%
% Only you%
% Can make the darkness bright%
% Only you and you alone%
% Can thrill me like you do%
% And fill my heart with love%
% For only you%
% Only you%
% Can make all this change in me%
% For it's true%
% You are my destiny%
% When you hold my hand I understand%
% The magic that you do%
% You're my dream come true%
% My one and only you%
% Only you%
% Can make all this world seem bright%
% Only you%
% Can make the darkness bright%
% Only you and you alone%
% Can thrill me like you do%
% And fill my heart with love%
% For only you%
% Only you%
% Can make all this change in me%
% For it's true%
% You are my destiny%
% When you hold my hand%
% I understand%
% The magic that you do%
% You're my dream come true%
% My one and only you%
% Only you%
% Can make all this change in me%
% For it's true%
% You are my destiny%
% When you hold my hand%
% I understand%
% The magic that you do%
% You're my dream come true%
% My one and only you%
% Only you%
% Can make all this change in me%
% For it's true%
% You are my destiny%
% When you hold my hand%
% I understand%
% The magic that you do%
% You're my dream come true%
% My one and only%
% You% %
---the end---