当月亮变为盈凸月时 我们不得不与 Once a month, when the moon is a waxing gibbous
我们呆板无趣的丈夫进行每月一次为了繁衍后代的性行为 we have to have procreation sex with our dumb husbands.
在这之前 我们会跳起祭祀之舞 First, we have to do a ritual dance
以保证我们能怀上有继承权的男孩 to ensure we have a male heir.
这个世界女孩们遍地都是 不需要更多女孩了 This world does not need more girls.
我不明白 既然我们秉承了印第安人的风俗 I don't know why we took all that land from the Indians
为什么我们还要从他们手里夺走土地 if we're just going to act like them.
我宁愿生只落基山羊 也不愿意再生个女孩（落基山脉的物种 被认为智商高于人类平均智商） I'd rather give birth to a goat than another girl.
至少它时不时还能冒出个好主意 At least a goat might have a good idea once in a while.
我准备好了 I'm ready.
与艾伯特啪啪啪就跟被溏心蛋 Having sex with Albert is like being penetrated
插入没什么两样 by a runny egg.
啊 快到了 Yeah, there it is.
和维克多上床简直就像溺毙在一条 Well, having sex with Victor is like drowning under a quilt
浸淫着口臭的棉被下 moistened by halitosis.
好了 我们开始吧 All right, here we go.
哦 维克多 哦 维克多 Oh, Victor. Oh, Victor.
叫床声低沉点儿 小妖精 Make your voice really deep.
哦 维克多 Oh, Victor.
快到了 快来了 对 That's it. That's it, yes.
维克多 哦 天呐 Victor. Oh, God.
好了 很好 Okay. Good.
There and...
完事了 Done.
Ouch. Ow. Ow.
赞一个 Good.
How did he get on the bed?
I'm so surprised that he's here.What? You're fired!
Don't you come in when I'm making love to my wife!
# I want the money, I want the fame #
# I want the whole world to know my name #
# this is mine,I got to get it #
# I got to get it,got, got to get it #
# another period #
Thank you again for my job,my handsome walrus.
You're so welcome.
Nothing brings me as much pleasure
as helping out pathetic gutter wenches.
Now, I'm off.Business calls.
Be back soon.
What are you doing out here, you muskrat?
I was taking out the trash.
Your eyes are the color of really pretty eyes.
Oh, your skin is like a milk-fed piglet.
Oh, I wish we could sail away together.
Me too.
Faster, boy. I want to feel the wind in my hair.
Why are you two lawn boating?
Afternoons are for defecating and learning Latin.
Mother, we can't work all the time.
Frederick, put on a clean top hat.
I've invited a widow to the manor
in hopes of making a match.
Frederick will never get married.
All the women Mother's brought so far have either left
or had accidents.
Pussy Von Anderstein's former husband was a coon-tie tycoon.
He made a fortune designing raccoon-skin neckties,
and as long as you don't do anything stupid,
that fortune will be ours.
But we have infinite money!
Yes, if we have infinite money and we add Pussy money to it,
we have double infinite money.
But, Mother,infinity can't be doubled,
as its very nature is its boundlessness.
It frightens me when you act all smart like that.
Look, the day moon!
弗雷德里克 你必须娶妻了 Frederick,you must take a wife.
你已经都23岁了 You're 23 years old.
母亲 我已经35岁了 Mother, I'm 35.
You're what?
Yes. Right?
Okay.
# bitch, kiss the ring #
Pussy, dear,
Welcome to Bellacourt Manor.
哦 谢谢你 杜杜 Oh, thank you, Dodo.
Blanche, you shall be Pussy's lady's maid.
Actually, I prefer a male attendant.
I'll, uh, keep...
him.
Oh. Hmm.
And here's where you'll be staying.
Just put this right here.
And if you need anything else,just let me know.
What are you doing?
Oh, no. That's my--
I'm a pure boy, ma'am.Please.
What's happening now?
Beatrice, I wonder if you might tell me a little bit
about your twin brother, Frederick.
Oh, I wouldn't bother with him.
He only likes women his own age,like, exactly his own age.
Falling Charlie,do your routine for Pussy.
It's ludicrous.
The falling routine is actually quite physically taxing.
But I have a loveable new character
called "The Little Tramp."
Perhaps I might try him instead?
Blech.
Practice your craft in the bordello.
Yes, we pay you for A material.
If we weren't in the mood for falling,
honestly, we would have hired Upright Reggie.
The falling will do.
Yes, of course.
This fool reminds me of my ex-husband.
Oh, don't you mean your dead husband?
Oh, no, I procured a divorce.
Well, I always thought divorce was a legend,
like the yeti or the working poor.
Oh, I've had a divorce.
I had one in Paris with apples and heavy cream.
And it was delicious.
That was pie, you idiot.
A divorce is when you no longer want to be married
and, poof, you're not.
I want a divorce, Mommy.
Everyone knows there are only three ways
for a woman to be granted a divorce--
infidelity, abuse,or a dead spouse.
Well, Victor would never cheat on me
due to my overwhelming physical attractiveness.
Maybe I could get him to beat me up.
Oh, dear!
Ooh, just a little nibble for you.
Oh, okay.
Just a little something.
Oh, I think I got some crumbs in your lap.
Can I tell you something?
I've been ravished.
Men can't be ravished.
When I was at the institution,
the staff ravished all the patients except for me.
It really did a number on my self-esteem.
Well, see, as much as I enjoy picnicking,
I don't want to lead you on.
I don't know if I can pick you to be my wife.
Sweet boy, I'm the one who does the picking.
But you're a woman. I'm-- I'm the one who does the picking,
because I have the geni--
Oh, hello.
What are you doing here?
Oh, don't mind me. I'm just having my own, different picnic.
Maybe I don't want you to pick me.
The only reason I would be getting married
is to ensure our family's legacy
and get mother to stop flogging my bottom with a switch.
Well, I can't say that's not intriguing.
Let's retire to my chambers.
Having fun, Celine?
我想你把我错认为其他人了 I think you've mistaken me for someone else.
我的名字是椅子 My name is Chair.
Cut the crap, hmm?
你知道的 起先我会来到这里 You know,you're the whole reason
完全是因为你 that I'm here in the first place.
在遇到你以前 我是个钢琴演奏者 Before I met you,I was a piano player.
我办过个人巡回表演 I had my own minstrel show.
和他的黑鬼骑士 Lazy Black Hamish and his Negro Knights.
"I sure does wish job was spelled S-L-E-E-P."
Yeah.
You know, I've been left by a lot of strumpets,
but you were the only one with big enough balls
to clear out my bank account.
你有什么目的 What do you want?
我想知道你究竟来这做什么 I want to know what the hell you're doing here.
Why does a high-priced woman of the night
drop it all just to pluck fowl?
我需要一份工作 I needed a job.
我做不到 I can't.
我另有心上人 My heart belongs to another.
我并不想得到你的心 It's not your heart I'm after.
You are so forceful.
这样太不淑女了 这是我所不能容忍的 That is very unladylike,and I won't stand for it.
你回来这里干什么 What are you doing back there?
Are you--Oh, my!
这种感觉太陌生了 That is an unfamiliar sensation.
你喜欢吗 Do you enjoy it?
尽管理智告诉我不应该 I feel as though I shouldn't,
但我确实很享受 but I-I do.
The body has many pleasure centers.
You just have to know where to look.
- Later. - What if I did?
What if I did? Later.
Chicken tartare?
Oh, yes.
我的天 你看起来好像被强暴过 My dear boy, you look as though you've been ravished.
事实上 先生们 我的确是被强暴了 Well, in fact, sirs,I have been ravished.
Oh, I do love a good ravishing joke, don't you?
你不觉得他们有些令人不快吗 Don't you find them a bit distasteful, though?
Some people feel that ravishing
is not a topic that should be made light of.
哦 不是我 Oh, not me.
Do you know that old chestnut--
Why is it always your ugliest friend
who's the most afraid of being ravished?
这太荒谬了 你是对的 你说得对 That is amusing. You're right.You're right.
- There is no line. - There's no line.
Come on. Come on,step lively, boy.
尊敬的阁下 请同意我的离婚请求 Dear Lord, please let me get a divorce.
尽管我无数次的幻想着把维克多 Although I have dreamed of strangling the life
勒到断气 或者让他被火车撞死 out of Victor's body or having him get hit by a train
或者溺死在他喝完白兰地吐的一滩呕吐物里 or drowning in a bath of his own brandy vomit,
我想让他因为殴打罪被逮捕 这样仁慈些 I think it's kinder to have him arrested for battery.
很抱歉 但维克多 你马上要进监狱待着了 Sorry about this, Victor,but you're going to jail.
And that's when he hit me.
为您受到的伤害感到难过 夫人 I'm so sorry for your pain, ma'am.
只要你告诉我们是哪个黑鬼干的 Ay, you'll tell us who the black fella was who did this,
我们立马就把他丢进监狱 and we'll throw him in the pokey right quick.
哦 不 是 是我的丈夫 Oh, no,it-- it was my husband.
呃 那就是另一回事了 Well, that's another matter entirely.
结案了 Case closed.
给我听好 我的丈夫对我施行家暴 I'm telling you,I was abused by my husband
只有离婚才能解决这件事 in a manner that only a divorce would settle.
那么 让我问你些事情 亲爱的 Well, let me ask you something, dear.
你是个小贱人吗 Are you a bitch?
什么 What?
Let's go about this in a different manner.
在这件事发生的同时 你的大姨妈来看你了吗 Were you menstruating at the time of the incident?
你去了红河吗 Were you riding the red river?
And do you have a raspberry bush?
你怎么敢这么说 How dare you?I was very abused!
Looks to me like you walked into a door.
Well, that's an outrageous implication!
And precisely the sort of assumption
that makes women feel unsafe to report their abuse
to the police in the first place!
Well, the rule of thumb clearly states
that a man can discipline his wife
with anything no thicker than his own thumb.
Well, that's the dumbest rule I've ever heard of!
And that, my dear, is why your husband hits you.
If you were my wife, I'd smack some softness into you.
And I'd have hit ya to be a bit taller.
Perhaps some larger bosoms.Now that we've settled that,
would you mind running along,sweetheart,
fetch us a spot of tea?
And perhaps a tour of the premises.
We hear there's a room made entirely of candy.
Well, infidelity and abuse were a bust.
I guess I'm going to have to kill Victor if I want a divorce.
now, now, now
it's mine, it's mine
不 不 不 不 不 不 不 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
碧翠丝 你在干什么 Beatrice, what are you doing?
I'm off to behead Pussy.
Should I use my logging axe or my murder hatchet?
Father refuses to cover up another murder.
We can't have another Weekend at Bernard's!
You never let me do anything I want!
I have a better plan.Let's not kill Pussy.
- Let's kill our husbands. - But I like Albert.
He's the only one who can make my bangs fluffy.
No, not kill them kill them.
Let's just have them disappear for long enough
to be declared dead, and then we can marry whoever we want.
Wait. Does that mean I can marry Frederick?
I'm sure that's what it means.
Everybody gather round.Gather round, quickly now.
I've heard some very distressing rumors.
这些仆人中谁被强暴了 Which among the staff has been ravished?
我 It was I.
I was ravished by Pussy Von Anderstein.
加菲猫 我的天 这是一种凌辱 Garfield, my God,this is an outrage.
哦 谢谢你 皮珀斯 Oh, thank you, Peepers.
你应该为自己感到羞耻 You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
You should be thanking your lucky stars
that she chose to ravish you,instead of crying about it
like a mewling kitten with a pin in its paw!
I'm docking you six months of gruel.
如果你不想被人强暴 If you didn't want to be ravished,
也许你不该穿着这种款式的 maybe you shouldn't be wearing
邀人享用的贴身男仆制服 such an inviting little valet's uniform.
这是你的错 It's your fault.
I wear my valet's uniform for me.
但这一定太紧了 对吧 加菲猫 But must it be so tight,Garfield?
嘿 这是不是意味着我可以强暴布兰奇 Hey, does this mean that I can ravish Blanche?
并不 No.
Thank you for the thought, Hamish.
Milady.
好了 每个人都回到工作岗位上 快去 快去 All right, everybody back to work. Skeet, skeet!
Have you seen a tiny Oriental man?
他 He's--
你还敢长得更丑一点吗 Ugh! How is it possible your face is getting uglier?
我撞到门上了 I ran into a door.
维克多 Victor.
我需要你制造出你已经死掉的假象 I need you to fake your own death.
我拒绝这么做 I would never fake my own death,
我给你两百万美金 I'll give you $2 million.
我马上派人起草合同 I'll have someone draft up a contract right away.
还有 Also...
我需要你的 I will be needing your...
祖母绿王冠 emerald princess crown.
什么 别想了 What? No!
这顶王冠是传家宝 已经有三个年头了 That's been in our family for almost three years.
我要它 不然我就永生给你看 The crown, or I live forever.
好吧 Ugh, fine!
还有 我想要你的蟒蛇皮拖鞋 Also, I'd like your python slippers.
这根本不合你的脚 Those won't even fit you.
哦 又不是我要穿的 Oh, they're not for my feet.
维克多是我碰见过的最卑鄙 最可恶的小人 Victor is the most vile,hateful person I've ever met.
你以为我们会相处得很好 You'd think we'd get along.
我很害怕他的心已经不在我身上了 Well, I'm scared I'm losing him.
我担心他倾心于那个奇怪的女人 I'm afraid he's going to fall in love with that weird lady.
亲爱的 我一直跟你说什么来着 Darling, what do I always tell you?
门把手上挂着绿色围巾的时候 你才能进这个屋子 To not walk in the room when the green scarf is on the handle.
我知道 但我一直告诉你 要跟随你的本心 Yes, but I always tell you to follow your heart.
我的本心告诉我 他只属于我 不会再移情别恋 My heart says he's mine and that no one else can have him.
现在 过来 如果他看不到 Now, come on, if he doesn't see
你是多么美丽而又无主的宝藏 what a beautiful,vacant treasure you are,
那他就是脑子被驴踢了 then he's a fool.
谢谢你 Thank you.
每次我们谈话后 我都能感到一丝慰藉 I always feel better after our talks.
哦 你可以假装你死掉了 让我跟别人顺利成婚吗 Oh! Can you fake your death so I can marry someone else?
求你了 维克多已经同意这么做了 Please?Victor said he would.
我当然同意 亲爱的 Well, of course, darling.
如果维克多同意了 那我也一样乐意 If Victor said so,I'm happy to do it.
- 真的吗 - 当然 - Really? - Of course.
现在 请保持静止 Now, just hold still.
I'm gonna make a real piece of art here.
哦 我喜欢这个 Ooh, I like that.
哦 没错 Oh, yes. Mm.
我目前的爱人很漂亮 My current lover is beautiful,
但她只肯做那些常规的体位 but she only does the normal stuff--
传教士式 男上式 负鼠式 missionary, man on top,possum style.
That's where you lay there completely still
waiting for the danger to pass.
我们要不要考虑在春天举行婚礼 Should we have a spring wedding?
但我一直想要当六月新娘 I always thought of myself as a June groom.
你介意别再玩我头发了吗 Would you mind not playing with my hair?
欢爱过后 我需要点私人空间 I need my own space after sex.
It's-- it's not you,it's a physiological thing.
这叫做生理不应期 It's called a refractory period.
我想告诉你的是 那件事我听说了 I want you to know I heard about what happened,
我相信你 加菲猫 and I believe you, Garfield.
We live in a ravish culture.It's everywhere we look--
五分钱娱乐场 银版照相 蚀刻版画 nickelodeons,daguerreotypes, etchings.
I was saving myself for a summer at sea.
我知道 I know.
给 你可以留着这个 Here, you can keep it.
这是给我的 This is for me?
哦 在此之前我从来没收过礼物 Oh, I've never received a present before.
哦 哦 我就知道你对我的感觉 Oh. Oh, I knew you felt the same way about me
和我对你的感觉一样 as I feel about you.
等等 什么感觉 Wait. What way?
没什么 没感觉 Nothing. No ways.
I will cherish this forever.
我应该给她取名叫毛巾 And I shall name her Towel.
哦 你来了 小猫咪 Oh, there you are, Pussy.
我一直在到处找你 I've been looking all over for you.
等下 你要出门吗 Wait.Are you going somewhere?
弗雷德里克 你在想什么 Frederick, what do you think?
I think about how pits get into olives
without making the holes.
但为什么你看上去像是要离开 But why does it look like you're leaving?
我们不是要结婚了吗 Aren't we getting married?
亲爱的 我没打算跟你结婚 Sweetie, I was never trying to marry you,
我只是想穿上你的男士马裤 I was just trying to get into your pantaloons.
但是你爱抚了我的小菊花 But you touched me where I expel my waste!
我碰过无数朵菊花 I've touched a lot of men in that place,
而且我将继续这么做 and I plan to keep on doing it.
你不能走 You're not leaving.
我了解你 我了解我的小猫咪 I know you.I know my Pussy very well.
You're-- This is-- There's a hidden sketch artist somewhere.
你在哪里 出来 Where are you? Come out.
出来 Come out.
恐怕不是这样 Mm, afraid not.
很好 滚 Fine! Go!
你滚 小猫咪 我不在乎 我不需要你 Go, Pussy! I don't care.I don't need you.
我从未需要你 I've never needed you!
你在说谎 It's a lie.
加菲猫 Garfield, help me with my cases.
不 小猫咪 小猫咪 小猫咪 别这样 No, Pussy.Pussy, Pussy, please!
求你了 小猫咪 Please, Pussy!
不管发生了什么 跟我待在一起 毛巾 Whatever happens,you stay with me, Towel.
别走 Don't go!
我说服了维克多 让他离开半年 I convinced Victor to leave for six months
这样在法律上 他就能宣告死亡 so he can be declared legally dead
这样我就能想跟谁睡就跟谁睡了 and I can have sex with whoever I want.
也许你会好奇我同意离开的原因 Well, you might wonder why I agreed to leave,
答案其实很简单 and the answer is simple.
- 我们真挚的感情 - 钱 - Our true love. - Money.
Well, yes, but I married into this family to stack cash,
and I can't live my goddamn life on a husband's allowance.
你想干什么 What do you want?
你现在不应该跟你那奇怪的女朋友待在一起吗 Shouldn't you be with your creepy girlfriend?
我把她送走了 I sent her away.
你这么干了 滚开 You did? Leave.
That's right.
I picked you
over that heartless,manipulative lotharia.
I have never heard of any of those words.
I don't know. I heard them from my book reader.
But the point is, I love you.
And I have no emotional attachment or hurt feelings
from being discarded and used by Pussy.
哦 弗雷德里克 Oh, Frederick.
I heard about this thing the--the girls are doing in Europe.
离婚 Divorce?
No.Uh, let me show you.
Yep, right there.