'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'lan, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier... One plate short of a full set, like.
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
Cunt!
(Debbie) 'Psychologists believe that those to whom evil is done,
'do evil in return.'
Pig scum!
ln you go. Get in.
No! Argh!
No!
(Debbie) 'l prefer an old lndian proverb -
'those who bring happiness into the lives of others
'cannot keep it from themselves.'
Looking at that won't keep you out of prison.
Get dressed, we've got work to do!
You ready yet?
l'm coming!
lf you've got morning breath, you could've just said.
You OK?
l can't smoke, l can't drink,
and every morning l'm hugging porcelain.
How can they call this natural?
Listen - if you want to forget about this weekend...
No chance! lf l'm going to be puking my guts up,
l may as well do it somewhere beautiful.
Oh, God! SHE VOMlTS
A romantic trip away - ooh, l'm envious!
Well you can't come, cos it's just me and her.
Where's he taking you?
Don't know, Carol. lt's a surprise!
Last time a bloke took me away, ended up in a power cut in Rhyl.
lt could've been erotic. Had he not insisted on calling me Cheryl!
All right, smart arse, give it back.
- What? - The toast.
- l dunno what you're talking about. - Come on, Carl, got to leave in half an hour.
(lan) You looking for toast, Craig?
lf anyone laughs, it's coming off.
Marty, where's your tie?
l couldn't remember how many times the fox went round the farmyard.
Three, and then into its den.
You look great, Marty.
What job is the interview for?
Traffic warden. Council are equal opportunities employer.
Make a change! Traffic warden calling the car drivers a cunt!
Bullshegg!
What the fuck was that?
Something we've been working on.
To manage his Tourette's for the court case,
you replace rude words with...
nicer ones!
We're going to prove that he's a reformed character.
Don't knock it, l haven't had a bucketbiff in days.
What you in court for, Marty? Setting fire to things again?
Shh!
No, weren't even my fault! That stupid bitch in the Post Office
looking down her nose at me making sarky comments...stupid soft kittens!
She needed telling!
Just a shame they had CCTV.
Ever speak to me like that again, and l'll burn your house down,
you evil, ugly, patronising bitch! GLASS SHATTERS
But once the courts see you're a respectable, hard-working member of society,
they'll have no choice but acquittal.
Time l went, eh?
Bullshegg!
Hey, hey! Just let it roll.
The more wound up you get, the more they like it.
l'm looking for Kev Ball.
You want next door, No 6.
Trouble with these houses, they all look the same.
He's not still shacked up with that gobby peroxide bitch, is he?
Veronica.
That's her. Mouth like the bleedin' Mersey.
Who's that?
Dunno.
Sooner you and me get some time to ourselves, the better.
Can't believe you're here.
Last l heard you were in Pathos with Big Balls Benny.
Ditched him soon as l got out there.
Got myself a nice little bar job, apartment on the beach,
and as much cock as l could handle.
Sun, sex and sangria, thought l were in heaven, Kev.
So why are you back?
Because, Blondie,
l fell in love. Bloke called Jack. Jack Russell.
You know, like the dog. As soon as l set eyes on him, l knew.
l just knew.
Got a light?
What happened?
lt's all gone wrong, Kev.
l'm sorry!
Hey, come here and tell your big brother.
He's a fucking junkie.
Ah, Jesus!
- Not heroin! - Didn't he watch Grange Hill?
l said, ''Jack, l love you -
''but either it goes or l do.''
Got any sugar for this?
No way, Kev, absolutely...
..no way am l having her in my house!
Veronica, she's me little sister!
l can't just chuck her out on the street! Oi! Hang on a minute.
The amount of shit l've had to put up with with your family,
with your mother and her fellas, and Marty and his bonfires.
Fair's fair, right.
You can't send her back to a junkie.
Couple of days.
But if she calls me Blondie again, l swear, l'll...
(Marty) l'm a good human being with a great deal to offer.
l am a good human being with a great deal to offer.
l am a...
l am a good human being with a great deal to offer.
Hiya, l was looking for Craig...
Crackerjack! Sorry.
l'm looking for Craig Garland. This is the right house?
Yeah, well, sort of. But there's no one in.
Right. Only, there's a bit of a crisis at home, so if you see him...
Yeah, definitely.
Sue, by the way.
Marty.
So, are you like, a mate?
Mate? No, sorry. Hasn't he told you?
l'm his wife.
l am a good human being...
l am a good...
Bullshit! Motherfucker!
Flat out on her bed like Lady Muck
in the middle of the day with my bathrobe on, cheeky cow!
l swear to God, Fiona, l hate her.
l know she's Kev's sister, but if l see her, l'm gonna...
Marty!
He should've been back hours ago.
Why, where's he gone?
Job interview. We're trying to get him on the straight and narrow.
< Bloody hell, Debs!
Know when you're beat! He's had psychologists, psychotherapists,
cognitive behavioural assessments, and they all say he's off his lolly.
Why doesn't anyone give him a chance? All he wants is to be accepted.
To be treated like everybody else.
Help! >
Marty, you're making a big mistake!
You two-timing piece of shit!
No!
Not content with one beautiful woman, no, you've got two!
Marty!
Guess what Marty's discovered, big secret, l'm married.
ls that it?
What?
Everyone knows that.
Prick.
No one told me! Wife appears, l thought he were doing the dirty.
lt's over,
has been for ages.
So why you still living with her?
Because she won't move out, and it's my dad's fucking house.
She's gorgeous.
Marty, tell me you went to the interview.
This was supposed to be a surprise.
Get in. Start her up.
Bloody hell!
l didn't even think it had an engine!
ls this leading where l think it is?
Me and you, the open road. Nowt more romantic than a camper van.
You've obviously never stayed in a five-star hotel.
lt's not exactly what l had in mind.
You'll put up with anything when the sex is fresh.
Blondie! No hot water! How do you turn the immersion on?
l will fucking kill her.
lf you'd rather stay in a B&B somewhere...
No, no, it's great. Honest.
Just think we might have to fumigate it first.
Craig, your wife's at the front door.
You living here now, then?
Where l sleep's my business.
You've not been home in over a week.
- Home? - Well, you know.
Oh, my dad's house. Place you want half of.
You actually wanting something or is this a social visit?
Boiler's playing up. Place is like an icebox.
You know that book with the coloured pages?
And how much is that going to cost?
All right, l'll sort it.
lt'll have to wait till after the weekend. We're going on holiday.
Send me a postcard.
lf that boiler's bust, l'm Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
- Boo! - Argh!
No, no, l'm sorry!
lt's me, from earlier! l didn't mean to scare you.
lt's all right. You took me by surprise, that's all.
You manage to find him, your husband?
Sugar lumps!
Don't hide it for my benefit.
Your Tourette's.
Lad at our school had it, everyone called him Fuck Off Phil.
People only think it's weird when they don't know what it is.
l'd better get back.
l think he's an idiot.
He must be, to let someone like you slip through his fingers.
Marty, wasn't it?
Horse sex!
l can't believe you're bringing your own fire wood!
Camping trip needs a camp fire.
When l was a kid, l used to set fire to my sister's dolls when she annoyed me.
Hiya!
You're taking the piss.
Before you get your knickers in a twist, l'm not here for you.
They're going on a date.
Who's going on a date?
Ta-da!
Look at this handsome devil!
< You're like a young Bruce Willis.
Long time since l've been courted.
Take my advice, Fiona. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Right, what's the game?
Game? l'm going on a date. Didn't know there were a law against it.
Convenient - bagging a bloke who lives in the same house.
What difference does it make?
Anyone'd think you still had feelings for me.
Shall we? See ya, Debbie.
< See ya.
Don't wait up!
Having a girlfriend's got to be good for his court case.
l'm going chestnut brown.
New life, new look, that's my motto.
lt looks like a bleedin' protest.
You ever thought of changing colour?
Bit '80s, that look, isn't it?
ls it?
Sharon Stone, Madonna. They were all at it then, but...
- l think your bloke's hanging about outside. - You're joking.
Tall, skinny, a bit lggy Pop.
For God's sake, don't let him in! lf he's not had a fix, he gets violent.
Marie! l know you're in there, come on down!
l've gotta be at work in ten minutes. l'll shoot out the front.
l'm coming with ya.
You're not leaving me with him!
lt's your shot.
Which one am l going for?
Go for that red one into the bottom corner. lt should go in, that.
But if you lean over and get right on the cue,
Get it just between your fingers there.
lt'll go in there.
Oh, l think l've had too much wine!
Rubbish. More you drink, better you get at this game. Shut it!
MACHlNE'S WlNNlNG JlNGLE Jackpot!
And it had a little wind chime.
Twisted freak.
How can sticking a needle in your arm be normal?
Tell me, who sees that as normal?
l know, but...
love's blind, Frank.
Look at Kev with Veronica.
You're not telling me he couldn't do better.
A word from the wise. Get your stuff out,
otherwise he'll have your stereo in his veins before you can say, Dolby Surround Sound.
All right, Frank. We're dealing with it.
Yes, but when?
Druggie, Kev. We're talking desperation,
we're talking scum of the earth.
No, thing is, l can't. l ain't got a van or anything.
Wait, no problem. Eamonn!
Eamonn! How do you fancy
being this lady's knight in shining armour?
Depends. ls there a pint in it for me?
Spunk face, bucket of spunk, what else do you do?
Piss flaps.
Donkey dick... Donkey dick!
Come on.
l want to show you something.
Bucket! SHE LAUGHS
You ready?
Yeah.
Three, two, one.
What am l looking at?
The most beautiful place in the world.
What, that?
To other people,
it's just a gas tower,
but to me, it's...awesome.
Beauty's everywhere.
Just depends whether you choose to see it.
Boner! Sorry, sorry.
Don't apologise.
That's what makes you who you are.
Craig must be off his head.
How can he live without that?
Let's go back to yours.
Er...what's all this?!
A few home comforts.
Sneaked in while Jack were out.
Don't look at me, it were Frank's idea.
Figures, might've known you'd stick your nose in!
Goodness of me heart! Rescue mission, damsel in distress!
You'll stay for a smoke, won't you? Few drinks?
Top, yeah.
Don't mind, do ya? Blondie?
Time's up, Kev.
For fuck's sake!
(Frank) Down from that castle, Rapunzel. Let down your golden hair.
Ow!
Toss!
Suck me cock!
Sorry.
Craig, maybe you've got it wrong, maybe she really likes him!
l know he's got his problems, but he's a good-looking bloke.
l've known her a lot longer than you, and she's sticking the knife in.
By pulling Marty?
Kinky boots!
Just her presence in this house, it's like poison.
Let her shag him! Let her scream the house down!
Why should you care?
See?
This is exactly what she wants.
l can't get me... Get your top off.
What?!
l can't do this.
My head's all over the place.
We can wait. We don't have to rush it.
lt isn't that. lt's just...
l like you, and l've had a great time, but...
it's Craig.
What about him?
- He's still my husband, Marty. - l thought it were all over.
We've been married eight years.
lt's comfort more than passion, but you can't just turn it off.
lt's all such a mess.
You still shagging him?
You mustn't tell Fiona.
Promise me, you won't tell Fiona.
Marty! No!
Do you want her or not?
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Him! Fucking Casanova!
Stringing you both along, wanting it every which way!
- What have you told him? - Nothing!
She told me the truth.
What fucking truth?
About him and her.
He's still shagging her. Even though he don't even want her.
You lying...
Stay away from her, l'll break both your fucking legs!
Fiona, he's messing you around, he's messing everyone around.
lt's not fair, cos l could make her happy, and he don't even love her.
When did you last sleep with him?
Fiona!
We're having this out. Tell me, when did you last sleep with him?
- l'm not looking to hurt you. - When did you last sleep with him?
Last week, last month, last year?
She's telling the truth!
Marty, open your eyes. She's trying to break us up.
She's fucking using ya.
She's not. She wouldn't.
We've kissed.
Do you think somebody like her would be interested in a freak like you?
< Craig!
She is! Tell him! Tell him how you feel about me!
Oh, shit! >
< Jesus, the baby!
- Baby?! - l'll go and get an ambulance.
l knew it. You're going to leave me, aren't you?
lt's like bedlam out here!
Wait!
What's all the racket?
lt's nothing. lt's OK.
Tell Craig forget about the ambulance.
Leave me alone!
Please, come back.
Marty, look...
I am a good person...
Prick!
Spunk face!
Oh, no.
- l'm only helping cos we wanna get rid of it. - Fiona!
He's torn his mantra!
He's in court on Monday!
l'm going on holiday, what do you want me to do about it?
< What's up with your sulky chops?
l'm moving out.
l'm not stepping foot in that house until my idiot husband gets rid of
that STUPlD BlTCH!
The house is covered in tat.
Can l stay at yours, Fiona?
You can have my room till l get back.
Who's your mate?
Alfred. He's the only bloke l can rely on.
(All) Bye!
- For fuck's sake! - Craig, don't!
What is it with you, eh? Don't you think you've caused enough damage?
Go home, because l'm going on holiday with Fiona
and there's nothing you can say to alter that.
Craig.
Your dad's dead.
Ta.
Three years he's been in that home.
Hanging on and hanging on.
Trust him to pick this week to go.
My dad died the day l passed my driving test.
Still, meant l got his Citroen!
Were you close?
Used to be.
Best mates.
But then his head went west.
Dementia.
Last few months he started calling me Rupert.
lt's a terrible thing, losing your father.
Grandad's still alive!
l know, l'm just saying, it's a terrible thing losing your father.
Marty's tablets.
For his hypermania.
He needs to take two twice a day.
Does no-one care?
Still, there's an upside.
House is mine now, innit? So once l flog that off, no more Sue.
l feel like l don't even know him. l've got his baby inside me,
and it's like there's this whole other world -
wife, dad...
that l've never even been a part of.
Give it chance.
lt takes time.
l know! That's the one thing we haven't got.
l just wish we'd had a bit more time before all this had happened.
Cool.
Sorry, Fiona, l've got to go to mine.
- Show me your arms! - You mad bitch!
Show me your arms, you druggie cow!
Get off me! Get off me!
(Oh, yes.)
(Fiona) How did it go with the undertaker?
Sister's shafted me. She'd arranged a burial when he wanted a cremation.
We stayed up one night, talking, he told me exactly what he wanted -
a big party with people enjoying themselves,
not me and my sister stood round the coffin looking fuckin' mournful.
Guess where they've come from.
A diabetic.
Kelly Marie's bag.
They probably belong to dog boy - Jack Russell.
l've just seen her scoring. Tenner says that's why he kicked her out.
You can accuse our Kel of a lot of things, but she's not a junkie!
She's wafer thin, always skint,
and when was the last time she wore a sleeveless top?
l know you don't like her, but that's my little sister
and she's not into fuckin' skag!
We'll see about that.
Oi, what are you on about?
She's going cold turkey.
Open the fucking door!
Stupid blonde bitch!
Can you fuckin' hear me?
(Crowd chants) Jump! Jump! Jump!
Give us a beer, love.
D'you want a beer, Craig?
You can have a beer, but you don't normally.
Yeah, like l can never have a drink!
We should get Carol playing the guitar! >
Quick, it's Marty! He's gonna chuck himself off Sandringham House!
Marty!
No, Debbie! Debbie, no!
l'm going up!
- Get off us! - Let us past!
STAY BACK!
Marty, come away from the edge.
What's up?
l'm scared of heights.
Let me do the talking.
GET BACK!
Them people down there -
they'd love to see you try and fly.
You'd be the talk of the town for about half an hour.
Don't you think your life's worth more than that?
Cornflakes!
l just want to be like everybody else!
Cos that fucker's right! l'm a freak!
Do you know how that feels? Do ya?
Yeah, look at ya. Yeah, come on!
Human misery.
You can't get enough of it!
Eh? Willing a bloke
to chuck himself to his death
so that you can have a bit of fuckin' entertainment.
Serves you right if he lands on your heads, you brainless cunts.
Yeah, jump, yeah, jump, come on!
Just...
stay away, Debs.
l mean it.
No.
Because if you're going, Marty, l want you to know three things.
And you're not jumping off this building until you've heard them.
We all love ya.
Fuck!
You're not a freak. You've got Tourette's.
Craig is really upset that he called you that. Aren't ya?
You're the best thing that's ever happened to Sue.
She just doesn't know it yet.
Debbie's right, Marty.
She just needs someone to love her.
She's an unhappy person, but she weren't always like that.
She's got a good heart.
She'd be lucky to have you.
l don't want to go back to prison.
(Veronica) Nice one, Debbie!
Show's over.
Yeah, go on, fuck off, you bunch of freaks! Tossers!
He was a great bloke, Fiona.
He was always there for me.
Whatever.
lf l can do half as well with our kid as he did with me, then...
..l reckon l'll be all right.
l'm a good human being (with a great deal to offer.)
(l'm a good human being...)
Yeah?
Big day tomorrow, Marty.
Yeah, l'm just trying it on, so l've got everything perfect.
Make sure you get a good night's sleep.
You want to be fresh in court.
l'm a good human being
with a great deal to offer.
l'm a good human being...
l'm sorry, l never meant to hurt you.
l don't know what l'm doing!
Sorry.
lt's all right.
Puppies.
Let me out, you fucking bastards!
Veronica, l need a shit.
Go next door.
You can't keep her in there forever, she'll starve to death!
She can come out when she admits what she is.
A dirty addict!
Oh, shut your fucking whining!
(Fucking hell.)
How are you feeling?
Go fuck yourself.
Tools of the trade.
Only one thing missing.
Not that you'll be wanting it.
Kel!
Fuck's sake, Kel.
Got to get you some help.
A bag'd be a start.
(Kev) Careful with that, though, Kel.
We use that on the curries. lt's red hot.
Take me home.
(Veronica) l'll call the doctor.
l can't believe he's gone AWOL again. What is the matter with him?
Don't look at me! They all blame the mothers.
l have done my best, Fiona. God knows l have tried my best.
You'll see when you have your own.
What's happening, where's Marty?
Why would he do this to me?
What if he sneaked out early?
He might've needed some time to himself, get his head clear.
lan's right, he might've just gone to court by himself.
At least if we're there we might be able to stall things.
There's no point sitting round here.
Hang on, hadn't someone better wait here just in case?
l'll wait.
Don't you want to go to court in case he shows up?
l've tried my best.
What are you doing here?
Come to pay my respects.
Yeah. Someone mentioned the free bar.
lt's freezing in here!
Boiler's bust.
Just have to keep each other warm, then.
l wish we could stay here all day. Cunnilingus!
We can.
Well, till the funeral, but...
that gives us...
four hours.
lf he's not gonna show, we should go to yours and get the ale flowing!
Frank!
Solicitor says he can't stall it any longer.
lf he's not here in two minutes, they'll file it as a no-show.
They'll put him away.
All that bleedin' effort and they're just gonna put him inside.
Oh, God, Marty.
Last time l've come like that, it's been battery-operated.
What you doing tomorrow night?
'No!'
Eh, come here.
He's here!
Look at that, runs like a dream.
Sorry!
Where've you been, spudhead?
Overslept, that's all.
Court two. Your solicitor's name is Tom Vickers, you've got 30 seconds.
Good luck.
(All) Waaay!
Thanks, Debs.
l love a happy ending.
(Frank) Will this piece of shit make it to yours, Craig?
Craig! >
l'd like to propose a toast.
Here's to a good man.
He deserves kind words today.
And eternal happiness.
To Marty's freedom!
(All) To Marty's freedom!
< Congratulations, Marty boy.
There you are, Marty, mate.
Look at her face. Serves her right for stitching me dad up.
He just wanted a cremation. Promised to sprinkle him on the County pitch.
Burial?
He was fucking claustrophobic.
Ladies and gentlemen, >
if you'd like to make your way out to your waiting cars now, please.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Fucking hell!
Fuck!
(Fiona) Marty, what have you done?
Craig!
< What'd l tell you? Fucking spudhead!
Everyone should go the way they wanna go.
An hour out of court and you're pulling this?
His dad wanted a cremation!
Get hold of that, our Trace!
We should have a drink, shouldn't we?
l've just had that bastard MOT'd!
Holy camoly!
(Debbie) 'Thousands of pounds of cognitive therapy,
'and all Marty really wanted was someone he could love.
'Which, when you think about it, is all anyone really wants.'
Next Time:
Steve's back!
Tell him to stay the fuck away from me, you or any of us!
l shot him! OK? lt was me, all right?
Morning.
Thought you might want a brew.