G I've been living in Los Angeles for two years and I've never been this cold
in my life
I will pay anyone here three hundred dollars for gore tex clubs
anybody
I'm serious I have the cash before I begin
I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United
States
and decorated war hero while I a cable television talk show host
has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom
I pray I never witnessed some more damning example up what is wrong with
America today
graduates faculty
parents relatives undergraduates
and old people that just come to these things
good morning and congratulations to the government class of 2011
the
today %um achieved something special something
only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know
a college diploma that's right with your college diploma
you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce
i'm talking about. dropout losers like Bill Gates
Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg incidently
speaking at mister Zuckerberg only at Harvard would someone have to invent
a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room
my first job is your commencement speakers to illustrate that like
is not fair for example you have worked tirelessly
four years turn the Diploma you'll be receiving
this weekend that was great and Dartmouth is giving me the same degree
for interviewing the fourth leading in Twilight deal with it
another example that life is not fair
if it does rain the powerful rich people on stage get the tense
deal with me
I would like to thank president came for inviting me here today
you are a great school and you deserve a historic commencement address
that's right I want my message today to be forever remembered because it change
the world
to do this I might suggest brown bake bread in policy
winston churchill gave his famous iron curtain speech at Westminster College in
1946
JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy American University
in 1963 today I would like to set forth my own policy here at dartmouth
I called the coming doctrine under the coming doctrine
all bachelor degrees will be upgraded a master's degrees
%uh all Masses recently upgraded PHD's
and all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison
%uh the well today
I'm not gonna waste your time empty cliches said I'm gonna give you real
practical advice that you will need to know what you're going to survive
the next few years first
adult acne last longer than you think I must cancel two days ago because I had a
zit on my eye
guys this is important you cannot iron a shirt while wearing it
is another one if you live on ramen noodles for too long you lose all
feelings your hands
and you're still becomes a white gel a course in many parents here and I have
real advice for them as well parents
you should write this down many of your children you haven't seen them in four
years
well now you're about to see them every day when they come out in the basement
to tell you the wifi isn't working
if your child majored in fine arts our philosophy you have good reason to be
worried
the only place they are now really qualify to get a job is ancient Greece
good luck with that
and have to tell you this you will spend more money
framing your child's diploma been able to learn in the next six months
it's tough out there so be patient the only people hiring right now our Panera
Bread
and Mexican drug cartels yes to carrots must be patient because it is indeed a
grim job market out there
when the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refused
to leave their jobs
trust me on this even when I promise you for five years they're going to leave
him and say it on television
and then you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy doing
there is no guarantee they won't come back
of course I'm speaking generally
but now this is not a time for gramm prognostications are negativity no
I came here today because believe it or not I actually do have something real to
tell you
eleven years ago I gave an address to graduating class at harvard
I have not spoken at a graduation sense
because I thought I had nothing left to say but then
2010 came and now I'm here three thousand massed my home because I
learned a hard
but profound lesson last year not to share with you in 2000 I told graduates
don't be afraid to fail well now I'm here to tell you
it but you should not fear failure you should do your very best to avoid a
me she famously said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger
what he failed the stress is that almost kills you
disappointments stains and for driven successful people like yourselves it is
disorienting
Whitney she should have said is whatever doesn't kill you
makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink milk price chardonnays and 11
in the morning
now by definition commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered
successful
but a little over a year ago I experienced a profound
and very public disappointment I did not get
what I wanted and I left the system they had nurtured and help to find me for the
better part
at seventeen years and something spectacular happened
fought back down with no compass in a draft
I started trying things I grew a strange cinnamon beers
I'd over the world of social media I started tweeting my comedy
I together a national tour I play the guitar
I did stand-up were skin-tight leather suit
record an album made a documentary and Frank and my friends and family
ultimately I abandoned all preconceived
perceptions of my career path in stature and took a job on basic cable
with a network most famous for showing reruns along with sitcoms treated by a
tall black man who dresses like an all black woman
had a lot of silly unconventional
spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what
with the exception the blue bodysuit it was the most satisfying and fascinating
year
my professional life the to this day I still don't understand exactly what
happened
but I have never had more fun but more challenged and this is important
had more conviction about what I was doing how could this be true
well it's simple there are few things more liberating in this life
than having your worst fear realized I went to college with many people who
prided themselves on knowing exactly
who they weren't exactly where they were going at Harvard five different guys in
my class told me they would one day be President of the United States
four men were later killed in motel shoot-outs the other ones briefly hosted
Blues Clues before dying senselessly and yet another motel shootout your path at
22
will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42
one's dream is constantly evolving rising and falling
changing course this happens in every job because I have work in comedy for 25
years
I can probably speak best about my own profession way back in the 1940s
there is a very very funny man im Jack Benny
he was a giant star easily one of the greatest comedians at his generation and
a
much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be jack benny
in some ways in some ways he was but in many ways
he wasn't the emulator Jack Benny but his own quirks and mannerisms
along with the changing medium put him in a different direction
and yet his failure to completely become his hero
made him the funniest person his generation David Letterman
wanted to be johnny carson and what's not and as a result my generation of
comedians
wanted to be David Letterman and none of us are
my peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways
but the point is this it is our failure
to become are perceived ideal that ultimately defines us
and makes us unique it's not easy but if you accept your misfortune
and handle it right you're perceived failure can become a catalyst
for profound reinvention cell
at the age of 47
so the agent 47 after 25 years obsessively pursuing my dream
that dream changed for decades in show business the ultimate goal in every
comedian was to host the Tonight Show
it was the Holy Grail and like many people I thought that achieving that
goal would define me
as successful but that is not true no specific job a career goal defines me
and it should not define you in 2000
in 2000 I told graduates to not be afraid to fail
and I still believe that but today I tell you that whether you fear it
or not disappointment will come the beauty
is that true disappointment you can gain clarity and with clarity
comes conviction and true originality may need you here today are getting a
diploma decidedly school because you have committed yourself to a dream and
worked hard to achieve it
and there is no greater cliche in a commencement address then follow your
dream
why I'm here to tell you that whatever you think
your dream is now it will probably change
and that's okay four years ago many you have specific vision
what your college experience was going to be and who you're going to become
and I bet today most you would admit that your time here was very different
from what you imagine
your roommates changed your major change for someone to your sexual orientation
changed
I get someone you have change your sexual orientation since I began this
speech
I know I
but through the good and especially the bad the person you are now is someone
you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007 have told you many things
today
most a bit foolish but some a true
I like to end my address by breaking a taboo
and quoting myself from seventeen months ago at the end my final program with NBC
just before signing off I said work hard
be kind an amazing things will happen today
receiving this honor and speaking to the government class of 2011
from behind a tree trunk I have never believe that more
thank you very much in congratulations the