Hello. How are you?
I can't hear you and I'm not interested.
No, I am.
I'm not. So back to me.
Now, previously in my life...
I proved that living alone can be genuine fun.
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
APPLAUSE
I really embarrassed myself in front of Gary.
Yeah. As long as you fill it with good sausage meat. Ooh, naughty!
SHE FARTS
I know. And what else? oh, yes. My mother showed me her holiday photos.
Around the headland there was another lovely beach...
Was the whole island nudist?
Oh, that's a good one of your father.
Stop zooming in!
You never recover from something like that.
Quickly, on with the show...
Right, taster number four.
Maybe you'll enjoy this one. Gratinee de Saint Jacques...
I love having a chef friend.
Because you appreciate fine food? It's more that it's free food.
Free food!
That's it. You clearly don't appreciate my work,
I go to all this effort, all you can say about it is it's free.
I've never been more aroused.
Off putting. They're doing that kissing but not kissing thing.
Either do or don't!
That's Chris and Alison, they're lovely. It's a bit much.
Now, Gary, now that was delicious.
Thank you, Chris. It's a new menu I'm working on.
We thought so, didn't we, Mr Papa Bear?
Yes, we did, my wet nosed cub.
BOTH: Such a good chef.
BOTH: Said it at the same time!
BOTH: And said that at the same time.
Oh, lovely(!)
Yes, sorry this is my friend Miranda.
Hello, lovely.
Puddings? Puddings. Puddings. Puddings.
Puddings, my wet nosed cub.
Stop it. Actually, it's a really sweet story.
They were friends at university,
and they said they'd get married if they were still single at 40.
She was his safety wife? People actually do that?
They don't look 40.
They're not. He took her off to Paris last year and proposed.
Do you have a safety wife? No.
Why, are you offering? Yes, please, very much so, thanks for asking,
thank you please very much please.
OK. All right. So what age would we set the date at?
55? 35?
55, I meant 55. 55?
35? That's next year. You're meant to allow time to meet Mr Right first.
No. Exactly. Of course,
absolutely cos we don't want this. This would not be ideal. Grim.
Yuckety yuck at you. You make me feel bleugh.
So...yeah. Just to be safe, I know it's 21 years hence,
but should I book a venue?
Oh, sorry.
55 is insulting.
Well, as I say, it works so you allow time to meet the one.
But if something happens before you're 55 then you don't ignore it.
If there's a "moment",
then clearly the rules are you go to Paris and get engaged. A moment.
Deal with this Miranda. Elegance.
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie...
I'm busy! I've got to leave early to talk to my builders.
Yeah, but I've got news.
Anyway, this is a night school prospectus.
Yes. I'm doing a French course and I'll tell you pour quoi...
so we can start to go international, sales wise...
Two things to say, firstly...
SHE YAWNS
and, secondly, needy,
high maintenance friend with news - Bonjour!
Gather please. Right.
Gary has asked me to be his safety wife.
But, he said, obviously, if something happens before
then we wouldn't ignore it. If there was a moment.
He's considering there might be a moment between us, Stevie.
I've got to create a moment and do some woo-ing.
It's harder to say than you imagine, that.
Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
Getting away from the point...
I need to create a romantic, spontaneous moment
so Gary sees me in a "sexual" light.
Sorry how is Gary ever going to see YOU in a...
No, no, what I mean is, you're...
No, you're just not very, you know, you know.
No, what I mean is, you know, you don't have... No, what you're,
what you're not... you're not like me.
You're just, you're just very British aren't you? I mean say "sex".
(Sex.)
You know I don't like to say it. I prefer the term "shenanigans".
Sounds nicer. And you're British!
British in nationality, yeah,
but when it comes to the language of love, I'm practically Spanish.
Just a look in my eye and pheromones are released. Ahem.
Ahem.
Only me, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you?
OK. Although... Just a turn of phrase.
Can I leave this with you?
Your old diaries. Which I have to say, make very interesting reading.
You read them?! Of course. Like Anne Frank but more depressing.
Can't they stay at home?
No. We've cleared out your room
because we've extended the bathroom and we're fitting a jacuzzi.
Must dash - the Evening News'll be out.
We're looking at the personals to find you someone
and I don't want your father to start without me.
He only circles white people
and I've told him, when it comes to finding you a husband,
we can't afford to be (racist.)
We will consider a (black) man.
You can say "black". It's fine.
Are you sure it's not (racist?)
No.
Oh, well then I do love a BLACK man!
Such fun!
That mouthing words thing's a real middle class tick.
At least she was doing it properly this time.
She gets confused and does it the wrong way round.
The other day she said,
"You know those two women (next door)? LESBIANS."
Exactly. Stevie always underestimates me.
I knew I could do romance.
# Summer lovin' had me a blast... # Ooh, it's our song!
# Summer lovin' happened so fast... #
# I met a girl crazy for me... #
# I met a guy cute as can be
# Summer days driftin' away to uh-oh, those summer nights
# Well-ah, well-ah, well-ah
# Uh! Tell me more, tell me more
# Like did he have a car? #
This is not a hoover being a man!
Stevie! Miranda, I've got subsidence.
Please can I stay with you? Thanks.
I've got a Gary plan.
Come in! Thank you.
Although, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't bother.
I don't even know if I want a relationship.
Somebody knowing everything about me.
I mean, do I really want somebody knowing
that sometimes I dress up as the Queen and record her speech
and I watch it back to see what it would be like if I was the Queen.
Do you actually do that? No.
MOUTHS SILENTLY
You can stay, but please don't take over my life.
You'll hardly notice me!
Especially if Gary's here...
OK, your plan? Why don't you come with me to my French course? Yes?
FRENCH ACCENT: Passionate, sophisticated language, mon cherie.
Are you saying I'm unsophisticated? Bottom.
SHE GIGGLES
Bottom!
Remembering my school days isn't going to help me feel passionate.
Apparently the teacher is cute.
Although if he is he's mine. SAUCY LAUGH
Come on, you need a bit of chic to get you in the romantic zone. OK.
I refer you to the last time you attempted something in this field.
MUSIC: "Wannabe" by Spice Girls
Hi there. Oh!
Hi.
So...
Do you want kids?
You liked school, this is freaking me out.
"Don't run in the corridor, pull your skirt down."
What is this?
This is God's way of telling me not to bother. Just relax.
And always "could do better" from the French teacher
who thought a leather jacket made him cool.
Oh, wow, he's LOVELY.
Cute smile.
Oh, it's him! He will be mine.
That's Mr Clayton, my old French teacher. No way!
Way. Really way. Very much way.
It's really cringey seeing a teacher after 20 years.
It's feelings of fear, embarrassment...
Primarily embarrassment.
Right, I'm going to go before he can see me.
I'm stuck in the chair.
Stevie, I'm stuck in the chair. He's about to start.
Bonjour la classe.
Qu'est ce que ce'st passez?
Pardon, monsieur. Je suis dans le...
FRENCH ACCENT:..Wrong room.
Miranda?
Ce ne pas me, zut alors!
Je suis...on me way oot!
Sounded Scottish?!
It is you.
Back for more? French was never your metier, I seem to remember.
No, no, but German has become my bag...
Mein...bag.
Oh, yeah, I've done pretty well with my life.
Yes, I use the German for my fashion business.
So, I think you'll find I COULDN'T do better.
If I did better...
I'd be God.
Good evening to you.
Do you need help with the chair issue?
The chair issue?
There isn't a chair issue.
This is part of my Autumn range. Practical fashion. It looks good...
Sure thing. Want some of that!
But it's practical.
You can sit down whenever and wherever you so need to do.
This has been one of life's true pleasures. Good evening. Bonsoir.
Mortifying. I need to get it off. Feeling claustrophobic.
Afternoon.
Right. Just need to pull myself off.
Don't.
Oh... And, released. God.
Urgh, school corridors - freaky.
Why weren't we allowed to run in them, actually?
I can't believe I thought evening classes would help me get romantic.
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
Hello.
MUSIC: "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits
Gary?
Yep! Hi. Hi.
Listen, I wanted to say sorry about the whole food thing earlier.
And to make it up to you...
how about a tango class tomorrow night?
Oh, I adore Tango. Well, you go Clive.
No, the offer wasn't for Clive.
I was regional under-12 champion.
You'll go top of the class with Clive. I don't want to!
My speciality is cape work. Clive should definitely be your partner. I don't want Clive to be my partner!
If you don't stop talking about Tango,
I'll strangle you with this tablecloth!
So, Gary, will you come?
What about Clive?
No, thanks, I hate Tango. I always have. I despise it. It's abhorrent,
it's a perversion of all that is good and natural in this world.
I hate it, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY! That's enough!
So, Gary?
Yeah, sure. Why not? I'm up for a challenge.
# You are beautiful No matter what they say
# Words can't bring me down, yeah
# You are beautiful in every single way.
# So don't you bring me down today. #
SHE GASPS Mr Clayton in pants!
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry, sir.
Hey, come on now, call me Keith. Keith.
SHE SNIGGERS
Teachers having first names was always funny!
I really am very, very sorry.
Don't worry. I was just about to have a shower.
Stevie! Urgh!
Urgh. Urgh.
I can't be... Urgh!
I can't believe...
"Oh, you'll hardly notice me." I couldn't help it.
He took me to a fantastic restaurant and I tell you,
an older man knows foreplay.
Urgh! La, la, la, la!
Oh, sorry. We got a little bit carried away on the sofa.
ARGH!
Oh, and on the chair.
Ooh! God!
Is there anywhere I'm safe?
Oh, not there. Ooh!
What's that?!
People have sex, stop being so middle class about it.
Stevie, that was my old French teacher!
He's seen me in gym knickers.
I don't want someone in my home that's seen me in gym knickers.
I don't want anyone thinking about me in gym knickers.
Oh, you disgust me.
Please say you're not seeing him again.
You're always saying you want me to have more fun. Not that much fun!
I'm going to open the shop.
Urgh.
I blame boarding school entirely
for not being able to cope with the (sex) department.
Sorry, what is this... Urgh!
We just weren't taught the birds and the bees properly.
All we had was a weird video in Biology about conception.
We saw this heart-shaped swimming pool,
in the middle of which was a li-lo,
with a woman lying on it looking erotic - she was the ovum.
On the outside were a whole mass of men in speedos and swimming caps.
They were the sperm.
We heard a starting gun. The sperm dived in.
One of them ended up on the li-lo and embraced the woman.
The biology teacher then switches it off,
"Right, that's that." "That's what?!"
There was no finer details. What was that?
One girl in my house, Bruschetta McQuorcodale - real name...
She still won't go swimming for fear of getting pregnant.
Right, now I can, I can do this. I can get romantic.
I can do it for all boarding school girls up and down the nation.
I...am an erotic ovum. Ha-ha.
Ooh!
Just leaving, au revoir. Or should I say, "Ich werde sie bald sehen."
Ja.
Could do better! Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
Woo-ing, woo-ing.
Woo-ing. Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
Stevie, hi. Do you notice anything different about me?
I've just bought some boots for the Tango class tonight.
I now feel have the walk of a true woman.
Do I look romantically available?
If camp is available then, yeah.
Sorry, how is this camp?
Customer. Customer. Hello.
Hi. These are fun, aren't they?
Going to a fancy dress?
Why don't you try one of these?
Real hair!
Buongiorno.
What's up with you? Nothing at all.
The Jacuzzi was finished yesterday. We've hardly been out of it.
As your father says, "Bubbles hide a multitude of sins,
"and suggest a multitude of others."
Unacceptable information.
I was a bit concerned because the plumber that installed it was...
..(a woman.)
So?
I know they can plumb just as well, but it's not right.
A woman knowing... SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
No, you see all I'm seeing is...
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
The ins and outs of a loo!
All right!
Oh! What (enormous) WIG HAIR.
The wrong way round!
Well, right, I must be, what I call...heading off.
It's heading off. Not just what you call heading off...
You father has ordered a mid-afternoon jacuzzi session...
Ooh! Eh?
Urgh.
No, she's not going to put me off.
Tonight, "Adios, uptight Miranda."
She will be swept aside for a feisty Argentinean damsel.
I am going to create the romantic moment.
For tonight is the night when "dos become uno".
Bonne chance.
Ja.
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
That's right, keep as close as you can.
Mmm! You two are very good together.
'Miranda...'
Customer!
SHE SCREAMS
I am so sorry. Let me help you up.
No, please, please don't touch me again.
I wish it was the first time I'd heard that.
Fantastico! Muy sensual!
You, it's a bit camp.
Can't believe that Chris and Alison are here as well. No talking!
Sorry. We're teaching our bodies, every sinew to talk.
Wow, she's amazing.
Stop! Stop!
Que bailar como un hipopotamo!
You will not learn when you dance with her. Chris...
You...are a natural. Really? Do you mind?
Well, I do a bit. Silence!
Musica.
Aren't you the lucky one, eh, Miranda?
Phwoar.
What is she like?! A nightmare!
Miranda, what are you doing?
What's that saying? "It takes three to tango."
Carry on. Nothing to see here.
That was great!
Ooh, yes. Yes, that was great. Yeah.
So you're going to advanced next week? Well, might as well.
You don't mind do you? No! Why would I mind?
Of course I don't mind.
Nothing springs to mind about minding at all, no!
You're not actually going to eat that kebab are you?
No, I bought it just to chuck in a bin(!)
I'm unashamed to admit that, for me, this is the dog's bollocks.
It probably literally is. You should put it in the bin.
No! Come on, Miranda, it's disgusting.
I like it. You're such a food snob. Just put it in the bin. No!
Come on put it in the bin. Miranda, just put it... I want to EAT IT.
I'd take this over some of your fancy dishes.
I really thought you understood my work.
I give up, it's completely pointless.
Aroused again.
SHE GASPS He's coming back!
Maybe he's felt the arousal too. This could be a moment.
Right, I'm not apologising. I'm still angry.
Yes. I've had a thought. Yes!
Tomorrow night, I'm going to give you a proper...
Take me!
Cooking lesson. What?
# Take...me...on.
# Take on me
# I'll be there,
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh! #
Just some A-ha.
Sorry, did you say cooking lesson? Excellent.
No, that sounds great, great. Good, good. Well, enjoy your kebab.
I will.
Ohhh. That's a chilli.
Oooh. Ha, ha(!)
Very hot. No, I still like it.
Hot! Hot! Hot!
# Both a little scared Neither one prepared
# Beauty and the beast. #
So, how was it?
I got tango-ed out of a dance class by a frightening dance teacher,
had an argument with Gary, found him sexy,
thought there was going to be moment,
got offered a cooking lesson. It's all your fault, Stevie.
I tried to create a romantic moment, I keep ending up in lessons.
This will be the third in two days
and you know I hate being reminded of school.
No! No, this could be good.
You think he's sexy when he's angry.
Yeah. Well, a cooking lesson... angry chef...
Anger becomes sexual chemistry, like in the films.
Perhaps it wasn't a moment cos I wasn't angry too!
Exactly! Furious chef, angry pupil, food everywhere.
Fiery, very filmic,
where we can do nothing but rip each others clothes off.
Ohhh.
The trouble is, you can't handle the world of shenanigans.
No, no, no. That girl's still very much gone.
I'm still an Argentinian whore.
Well...
not a whore, but (sexual). You know, a couple of notches down from whore.
Pre-doing it for money.
Ah! Oh! Here he is. He's here!
There he is. And you've both been...again.
And that's fine. That's fine, yeah.
It's just (sex). (Sex). Sex. Sex! SEX! There!
You see, I said it. It's fine.
We all do it, don't we? Well, some of us try.
But it doesn't matter! No. It's all just willies and front bottoms.
We all have them.
One of them. Not many people are blessed with having both, I imagine.
I mean, what's weird about a man pushing his Michael Phelps
to reach her li-lo?
Right, better head off. Au chante, la belle dame du soir.
Peut-etre la prochaine fois une disco locale.
THEY LAUGH
MIRANDA LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
I'm fine with this. Oh, it's lovely.
Oh, that's a bit much!
Put her down, please.
Put her down and off you pop.
Thank you. You disgust me.
So if you can make a ratatouille you've got a delicious basic
you can use with pasta, rice, add meat...
Try and get the chunks the same size. You bollocking bastard!
Now you going to get all Ramsay on my ass?
Yeah, you know that's not my style.
OK. So now you've made the fresh tomato sauce.
Now to stop it drying out I'm just going to add some tinned tomato.
Why didn't you just do this in the first place? I prefer these anyway.
Prefer tinned? To a fresh sauce? (This'll work. Bring on the moment.)
Tinned to your sauces.
I find them a bit stodgy that's all.
You've done nothing but insult my cooking recently.
Are you trying to wind me up? No! I just prefer these, that's all.
You're acting like a wife who won't tell her husband why she's angry.
I wouldn't know would I? Safety wife aged 55.
Most people set their safety marriages at 40. At the latest.
Because most people have the idea when they're 20,
not when they're single in their mid-30's. 34 is not mid-30's.
It's late 20's!
You're acting as if you're six. You're excitable, then you're angry.
It's the new me. I'm being impulsive, a lover of life, a lover.
New tastes, new experiences...
Ooh, urgh! Garlic...
It's not funny.
I'm being erotic. Puncture my li-lo.
For Bruschetta.
You want some bruschetta? No!
You idiot!
You did that deliberately!
I thought mine was empty. Oh...
This is the moment, but it's so not the moment.
The films are wrong. You're just angry and covered in sauce!
You're such a child. You're a child.
You're a child!
# And after all that's been said and done
# You're just the part of me I can't let go
# After all that we've been through
# I will make it up to you
# I promise you. #
Has any one seen my pants?
Right! That's it! Come on.
Ooh!
Mr Clayton. Don't move before tying the gown a little safer.
SHE GASPS Saw it!
Could do better.
Miranda, darling, can I stay? The Jacuzzi's flooded. That's it.
Everybody in.
MUSIC: "My Baby Just Cares For Me" by Nine Simone.
# My baby just cares for me