I wanna have a big family.
6 kids.
Yeah? I'm gonna go with 2.
How about 5?
Well, if I meet the right person,
I suppose I could compromise, go with 3.
Noted.
Look at this guy.
Can't stop campaigning.
Look alive, junior. Here comes the heater.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
This is the clip you're gonna want
for the evening news.
Why did it have to be baseball, Mike?
Why not polo?
I'd like to go back to that field
with my mallet and my horse
and show them a real man's sport.
Well, sir, your horse's name is Ms. muffy.
No, it's not, Mike.
It's little Ms. muffy.
Well, don't worry about it, sir.
Your constituents are concerned with
your policy, not your fastball.
So what's the fallout from "wussy pitch '98?"
Our approval ratings have dropped 2%
with men 18 to 49.
But look. We went up .10% with women over 80.
That's great, Nikki. The election's in 6 months.
If we want these women to vote for us,
they're gonna have to leave the house now.
There's gotta be something happening in this city
that can boost the mayor's masculinity.
There's a charity barbecue over at firehouse 168.
A bunch of rugged guys drinking beer.
I like that. That's a good start.
You know, this is so unfair.
The mayor is a virile, muscular, strapping man
with pecs that will not quit.
Well, it's the truth of modern politics, kids.
Image is everything.
Spiffy, huh?
Stuart, we're already 40 minutes late for work,
and that woman you brought home is still in the shower.
She was very dirty.
Stuart, do you have to go to work, 'cause...
I'm ready to go another round.
Ahh. The gay roommate.
So this...
Means nothing to you?
Hey, James, did you draft my letter to the governor?
We have to sweet-talk him on this transportation bill.
"Dear snookums."
I think you wanna pull back a little.
That's a letter from my old girlfriend.
Here you go, Mike.
Beauty. Oh, hey, Paul.
I need you to come with me
to the firemen's barbecue tonight.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No can do, Mike, no.
No, I'm planning something special for Claudia
to thank her for the beautiful gift.
O.K., Paul, I want to see you
and that radiator you're wearing in my office.
It was nice getting to know ya.
I want to see you again.
Ha! What?
No woman's ever said that to me before.
Excuse me. The tub is filled with hair.
Why don't you fish it out
and paste it on your head?
O.K., you know, Paul,
ever since you got married,
you have been nothing but excuses.
Well, that's not true.
Come on, Paul. You've been married 5 months.
You celebrated your anniversary 7 times.
Mike, Claudia needs me.
I need you.
Claudia depends on me.
I depend on you.
Claudia gives me sweet lovin'.
I depend on you.
Sir, you were great at the barbecue.
You were confident, you were one of the guys, you were very funny.
Come on, come on. Less talkin' and more walkin'.
O.K., the shortcut to the limo's right through here.
Whoa, hold up, fellas. Tying my shoe.
Oh, come on, Mr. mayor.
Please, come on.
Claudia was expecting me home half an hour ago.
Paul, you know what? Enough about Claudia.
Oh, but, I was supposed to
wash Claudia's hair tonight.
Well, isn't that romantic.
Yeah, but I wanted to finish
before she got home.
This is a dead end.
Oh, that's just great.
Maybe we could throw your belt buckle
up over the fence. How would that help?
I'm just saying it's something we could do.
What imbecile would put a fence up here?
"By order of mayor Randall..."
hey, sir, that's you!
I'm sure it's probably just to ensure public safety.
VOICE: Give me your wallets.
I think it backfired.
What are you doing?
It's the letter from James' old girlfriend.
We shouldn't.
We can't.
It'd be wrong.
O.K., so let's just say we each look down and we read one word.
That will get it out of our systems.
On the count of 3. 1, 2, 3.
I got "wish."
I got "friend."
I got, "I laid in bed sweating,
thinking about the things you used to do to me."
All right...
I'm gonna turn around now.
Mike... Mike... Mike... Mike.
We were expressly instructed not to turn around.
Do it, Mike.
Hey, guys, good news.
This little girl scared the mugger away.
Mike, she's got a weapon.
Paul, it's a Turkey fork.
All I know is if I don't get some money,
someone's gonna get stuck.
Young lady, do you know who I am?
No.
Aw, Mike, it's an election year.
Hand over that belt buckle, Paul.
How does she know my name?
Maybe she's the psychic mugger.
Ask her if I'm gonna win the election.
Look, sweetheart, you don't want this belt buckle, O.K.?
This is crap. It's made of tin.
What are you, kidding? This is silver!
It's worth hundreds of dollars!
Oh. Here we go.
Now, everyone cough up their wallets.
Huh, O.K. This is stupid!
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna take her.
I'm gonna count to 3,
and we're gonna go. Ready? On 3.
1...2...3.
Here you go. Here you go.
I said, "on 3."
Oh, I thought you meant 1...2...3...Go.
No, sir. That would be 4.
Mr. mayor, new plan.
Run away on 3.
3!
Whoo! This sauce is making me
work up a lather.
Can't you two go to Deirdre's place?
I have a roommate.
Is she up for a threesome?
Earn it.
Hey, um...
Thank you.
Ha ha ha.
Stuart, you're not gonna sit there
and tell me that you like this woman.
No, she's a horrible shrew, and I despise her.
Then why?
Ding! What is sex, Alex?
I never thought I would say this to you, but...
You're too good for that woman.
DEIRDRE: Stuart, get in here.
Stuart, you have to break up with her right now.
You're right.
I'm gonna do it right now.
Yes!
She tied herself to the bed.
Well, this, uh...
This is just beautiful.
Well, the important thing, Mike,
is no one got hurt.
What's that on your face?
Oh, that would be my blood, sir.
Ah, Mike.
Here.
Thanks.
Ahh, don't use the side with the monogram.
(BLOWING)
You know, you add this
to the old Winston fastball,
I'm really gonna get crucified.
No, no you won't, sir, because this did not happen.
I'm going to make it go away.
You can do that?
Ooh, nobody can stop me.
Mike... Mike... Mike... Mike! I got the cops!
Except, of course, Paul.
"Assailant remains unidentified."
Great, we're golden. James, in your press release,
why don't you change all the "shes" to "hes",
and talk about how the mayor bravely fought to protect his aides.
Don't forget to mention my belt buckle.
All right, Paul,
all morning with this.
Go ahead. Say "belt buckle"
to me one more time.
I dare ya.
Belt...
yeah, that buckle comes out of your mouth,
it's going straight back down your throat.
Well, I just want everybody
to know I'm O.K.
It was pretty scary, though.
Should have seen this guy, he was...
sir? Yeah.
They all know.
Oh.
Paul ran like a sissy.
Hi, James.
You're lookin' good.
Damn this machine. It's stuck again.
Hey, Stuart, relax.
You just gotta know how to take care of a machine like this.
Treat her right.
She needs a sweet, tender touch.
Let's just start with the two toner knobs.
Now...
The tendency is to want to twist them and grab them.
You want to be gentle, huh?
Almost caress them.
Now the real key to this machine is down here.
It's called the loading tray.
You know, most guys
can't even find the loading tray.
How long you gonna be?
Hey, I'm gonna be down here as long as it takes.
There we go. All done.
Finally.
Hey... hey! Whoa... whoa... whoa!
She's just getting warmed up.
What's the rush to put paper in?
Yeah!
That's why women hate you.
I'm going to kinko's.
I'd rather pay for it.
Mike, the cop and the sketch artist are here.
All right. Uh, sir, listen, it might be better
if you let Paul and me handle this.
I understand.
But...
I'm not proud.
I mean, what kind of politician
would let his closest aides lie for him?
Ahhh...
You almost got me there.
So...
What can we do for you guys?
Just looking for a basic description.
All right, he was a big guy.
Very, very big, and you know what?
Very, very hairy ears, 'cause, you know,
your bigger guys, they get that.
Any features you remember?
High cheekbones, pouty lips.
Paul...
Belt buckle.
All right, we gotta find this girl
before the cops do.
You know, I didn't tell Claudia
about the belt buckle. It'd crush her.
I'm sure by now it's been
snatched up on the black market
by some Colombian druglord.
And who would that be?
Carlos "the Paul" Escobar?
You know, I am trying real hard
to stay calm here,
but I cannot believe
we got mugged by a girl.
(BELL RINGS)
A catholic school girl.
The mayor's in trouble, he's out of trouble.
You can't live and die by it.
I do, Paul.
Well, sure, you do. You got nothing else.
Oh yeah? Well, your life is a car,
and Claudia is driving it.
What are you saying?
(WHIPPING SOUND)
You're whipped, married boy.
What kind of an insult is that?
Well, it's just like mama's boy,
only with your wife.
Oh, yeah?
Mayor's boy.
I'm sorry.
Did you just poke me?
Maybe.
All right, before we do this,
you might wanna call home
and ask Claudia if it's O.K.
If I kick your ass.
All right, that's it.
Time for big daddy to bring home the pain.
GIRLS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
What do you think you're doing?
I'm turning off my TV.
No, it's my TV.
Stuart gave it to me after a quickie.
Deirdre,
Stuart wants to break up with you.
Is this true, Stuart?
Yeah.
Oohhhh.
Carter.
Stuart! Stuart!
Go to your room and lock the door.
Your heterosexual powers have no effect on me.
Break's over.
Where were we?
Right.
Just tell me when we officially start.
All right... Now!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Why are we doing this?
Because you...
Have lost your passion...
For the job.
You know what?
You're not a fighter anymore, Paul.
You don't care about me.
Nobody cares about you more than I do.
Ow! Ow... ow... ow... ow... ow... ow!
Claudia does!
Aw, Claudia, Claudia, Claudia.
Will you shut up about Claudia!
Ahhhhh!
You just can't stand to see me happy.
How can you be happy?
I just am!
Ooomph! Ah!
Sugar!
You throw like the mayor.
Mike! Mike! What's your problem?
You wanna know what my problem is?
I'll tell you what my problem is.
I'm jealous of you.
Really?
Yeah.
See, every night you go home
to this beautiful woman who loves you,
and I go home to an empty apartment.
Every morning when you come in,
I just think about how much I want what you have.
You want it? Yeah.
You got it.
Good night, everybody.
Wait a minute, James.
We, um, we read your letter.
We need to know what...
The trick is.
What trick?
You know, the thing.
The thing you do with your hands.
It's hard to describe. You want me to show you?
Yeah, what the hell. I'll get my coat.
I can do it to you right here.
Yeah.
Turn around.
And, uh, cross your arms.
Be very still.
Oh, I've done this.
(CRACK)
That's it?
That's your trick?
Oh, what a letdown.
Ohhhh...
Damn.
That was amazing.
Can you do it to me again?
I'm gonna need a few minutes, Stacy.
Gotta tell ya.
You got a hell of a left cross there, boss.
Thanks, Paul. You've got, uh...
Some sharp nails.
What happened to you two?
Ah, just a little male bonding.
Hey, Mike.
This girl had the mayor's credit card.
She said she just found it.
Is this the person that mugged you?
Never saw her before in my life.
Told you.
Now, wait, wait a minute, officer.
Yeah, that's him.
I mean, you know, that's her.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Just, uh...
Here you go, pauly.
Burn this in your memory, sweetheart.
You can sketch it in cellblock c.
Hey, Paul, why don't you go home to Claudia?
What are we gonna do about the mayor?
Aw, don't worry about it. I'll handle it.
There's a thousand ways to make him more masculine.
Stuart?
Did you break up with Deirdre last night?
Yes. We're finished. It's over.
So you didn't have sex with her
in my room while I was out.
No.
Then why were my family photos
lined up on my nightstand?
Deirdre likes an audience.
I'm here for you.
What are you two yapping about?
We're trying to figure out some way to break up with Stuart's girlfriend.
Why don't you just remind her she's dating Stuart?
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.