Stella!
Hold it...
What?
Yes!
Hello!
Welcome, one and all,
to episode three of Taskmaster.
Five comedians are at war with each other,
all in a bid to get their mucky mitts
on this finely crafted face cup.
So let's marvel once more at their wildly different
levels of competence and enthusiasm
and say a big hello to David Baddiel,
Ed Gamble,
Jo Brand,
Katy Wix,
and Rose Matefeo.
And next to me is a young man who nibbles and scurries
his way through life like a long human rat.
It's little Alex Horne.
Hello, Alex. Hello.
What's new? Nothing.
I've just got my mantra going through my head
as I normally do, so I feel pretty good.
Got a new mantra, have you?
Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
What is it? Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
Always. Just round and round. OK, what does it mean?
We'll, I've got it... I mean, I always have it with me, as well.
It's Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem, always.
Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
And, er, before we get on with the show, what does that mean?
It's just a phrase. Just a phrase I saw written down
and thought, "That is me." Yep, what is it?
It means "sheer driving pleasure".
From the BMW advert. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know how to respond.
You don't have to. Just concentrate on the sheer driving pleasure.
It's catchy.
Good. Let's crack on.
Let's have the Prize Task, please.
OK, good show, and this week it's all about
having the weirdest wooden thing.
That's what you call me, and I like it, so...
You'll judge one of their wooden things the weirdest
and give its owner five points. At the end of the episode,
the overall winner will ride home with big wood.
Yes, please.
I'll start with my little friend, Ed Gamble.
I've brought something that my father brought me back
from Switzerland. A little souvenir.
Here it is. There it is.
It's a tschaggatta demon.
But the hair and teeth you see there are human.
And is the hair from a dead person?
Doesn't... You don't need to be dead. You can have a little haircut.
But did your dad kill someone?
As far as I'm aware, my dad did not kill anyone for their hair, David.
Horrendous. Good.
Jo, what is your weird wooden thing?
It's a thing that my daughter made in Year 7.
There it is.
I like to call it the President Trump Sausage Grabber.
Does she know you've brought this? Cos she's... What is she now?
She in her mid-30s, isn't she?
How dare you?!
She's 61.
Well, it's absolutely shit. Well done.
Rose. Yep!
Have you got wood? Have you got weird wood?
Yeah, I've got a weird man... carving.
There it is. Oh. Oh, wow.
Oh, God, I hate it.
Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?
It came all the way from Colorado.
It cost $40.
What do you think his secrets might be?
I reckon he's someone looking for treasure,
his soul has been captured in a carving...
Yep. ..your classic story.
OK.
Now then, David, let's get to the good stuff.
My brother spent ages and ages creating something in Woodwork
and poured his heart and soul into it, I remember.
And we kept it as an ornament on our shelves for many years.
And this was it.
There it is.
What amazes me about it is, he found that in our back garden,
he varnished it and he got a mark for that.
What's his name? His name is Ivor.
It's absolutely shit, Ivor.
It's so shit.
Katy, you're up against some... Yep. ..stiff competition here. OK.
Can we see it first and then maybe I'll explain how I...
You sure you're ready? ..found it. Yeah, I'm ready.
Good luck, everyone. Here we go.
Yeah.
So my friend's dad imports them and... I really... Let's stop now.
I'm really glad that's where that sentence went.
He's always, when I'm round her house, he's always, like,
showing them to me and... Is he?
But he did gift it to me so that was nice.
What's RRP on this?
I mean, I didn't ask, I just wanted to get out of there, if I'm honest.
He actually offered to buy me a motorbike once.
It's quite a weird relationship.
So he gave you that,
he paused, and he went,
"Can I buy you a motorbike?"
I mean, lots of phalluses like that, they are respected around the world.
In Bhutan, they ward off demons.
You've brought a demon in. Oh, you've got some facts, sorry.
Well, it's not, it's just... I googled "penis" for...
In South Korea, there's a penis park.
It's a park where everything's shaped like a penis.
And, er, that was... Then it got mucky.
Then it got muckier and muckier. OK.
Tell us a couple of mucky things. "Mucky".
Well, I thought... Well, in Iceland, there's a penis museum
where they've got a penis from every mammal that's native to Iceland.
Yeah, I've seen pictures, it's really sickening.
It is sickening, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Because they've really
been pulled out at the root.
Can you replant them, like bulbs?
Judgment time.
OK. OK, do you want to start at one point?
The fifth-placed person.
Yes, and I feel mean doing it
but I think that Jo's daughter will have progressed since she made that.
Well, how cruel!
Cos she hasn't.
OK, one point to Jo Brand.
I didn't know enough of the backstory of the Colorado man
so I'm giving Rose two points.
Yeah, it was just cheeky, wasn't it? Fair enough.
Three points cos it had real hair, Ed Gamble.
Oh... OK. ..so it's three points
because it was too weird for a weird task?
You've got a point,
but there's something about your tone I didn't enjoy.
I'm going to leave you exactly where you are.
There's not much to separate the other...
Well, there's a lot separating the other two.
The stick and the dick? The stick and the dick.
As so often in life I do, I'm going to put dick in second place.
Aww.
I just feel sorry for David's brother, you know,
he deserves something in life. Five points.
Right, come on, then. Pretend to press play on your iPad.
It's... It's not pretend.
It is pretend. It's not pretend.
Hello. It's only me.
Welcome to the Manor.
OK. Don't sit down.
Hello, welcome to the Manor.
Ah! Don-Don't sit down.
Welcome to the Manor. Don't sit down. Welcome to the what?
Please do a little walk to the spot.
'Please do a little walk to the spot.
I like your little walk.
'I like your little walk.
Whoops. Whoops.
Whoops. Wh-whoops.
You're looking really nice. Thank you.
You're looking really nice.
Balls and books and snooker and the doctor.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Are you ready? You look ready.
I should be. I'm ready.
Are you ready? You look ready. I'm ready.
There's your task. You should open it as soon as I leave the room.
Is he OK?
What?
I feel like I should have listened.
"Go to the caravan. You must enter the caravan
"within two minutes of Alex entering the caravan."
"You must enter the caravan
"within two minutes of Alex entering the caravan."
Do I take anything?
No.
Has he entered it now, then?
Hiya.
Hello? Hello, it's me.
Hello. How are you?
Oh. My fly has got caught on the table.
Ha-hargh!
I know what I've done.
Do you want to open the task, Rose?
No.
"List all the things that were hanging
"from the wooden board in the lab.
"Also say the colour of the wooden board in the lab."
Oh, fucking hell!
"Also say the colour of the wooden... board in the lab."
"Also say what Alex said to you in the lab."
Most correct answers wins.
What an idiot! Why am I such an idiot?
Oh, my God!
"Most correct answers wins.
"You have three minutes, you may not leave the caravan.
"Also, your time starts now." Also is unnecessary there.
There's a distinction forming between the two camps here,
is that the two younger people, Ed and Rose, just run.
Yeah. You were both like...
I don't think. I just read the task and it's like, "Get there quickly,"
and my brain just goes, "All right, go, go, go!" I'm the same.
David swanned over when he felt like it. Yeah.
And Jo simply couldn't give a fuck.
Right. I'm afraid that's all we've got time for in part one.
See you soon for an exciting new chapter in our lives.
Hello again. It's Taskmaster and it's part two.
Alex, please remind me - and I mean just me -
about the task taking place before the break.
Just you? OK, well, it's a memory test and I hung some stuff...
I hung some stuff from the ceiling as well
and they had to come into the caravan
and try to remember what the bits were
and they were hanging from the...
What do you think?
I think David's going to do really well.
I think Katy is going to do the best
because I think still waters run deep.
Are you ready?
OK, well, we're going to start off with an exasperated Ed,
a riled Rose and a Jo Brand who was last seen
pacing about outside the caravan.
Here we go. Oh, my God, OK.
There was a hanging rope, I think.
There was a paper plane. BUZZ
There was, like, a water pistol.
Rope. There was, like, some rope.
You said, "Welcome to the Manor."
I think there was, like, a ball that looked a bit like a planet.
Don't look at me like that, Horne.
Wah! No! I'm such a dumbass! Why didn't I...?
You OK, Rose? No.
Are you cross? I'm cross with myself.
Because of course a task isn't going to be "run to the caravan".
I haven't been in here for two minutes yet.
You could still be in there. Yeah.
Are you coming in?
You said, "Don't leave this room..."
Oh, hi, Jo. Haven't got an effing clue.
Right, here's some things that you said.
Doctor. PING
Snooker ball. PING
'You said, "Welcome to the something," but I spoke over you. BUZZ
I couldn't remember because all you were saying, you didn't make sense.
Er...
A hat? No. BUZZ
What colour was the board? Blue?
Right, the board. What colour? Blue.
Do you know the colour of the board?
What board? The wooden board that... No.
I didn't even know there was one. What else was hanging from there?
'Let's just make some stuff up. A fish. BUZZ
A clock. BUZZ
A pig. BUZZ
A cricket ball. Lemon. BUZZ
'A bog, a plane. I think maybe there was, like, a small baby. BUZZ
'I think there was a sort of hairy thing. It could have been a yeti... BUZZ
..or a feather, I don't know.
One second left. You said, "He..."
"Hello." "Hello, Ed," you said.
Not going to make the Sherlock Holmes Society, am I?
What did you think this game was?
You thought it was "get to the caravan in exactly two minutes",
so you legged it out of the lab immediately. That's right, I did.
And you got in there. That's why
you were pacing around like a tiger outside.
She was pacing and counting and got in there in one minute 57.
So you would have had five points, if that was the game.
There is no reason it couldn't be.
You did guess one thing correctly by complete chance -
you said feather, and there was a feather. Wow!
Amongst your guesses you also guessed a hat, Mein Kampf, a yeti...
Mein Kampf?
It's an important read for anyone that's interested in democracy.
We've not done a lot of political satire on this show.
And we still haven't! Rose got one more than Jo.
She managed to remember there was a rope and that I said,
"Welcome to the Manor." Because I love Cluedo.
Well, there is a link, you are the only person who spotted.
They were all to do with Cluedo. Gamble got the water pistol.
Ed also remembered I said "doctor" and "snooker ball" -
there's the billiard room, of course.
So he got four things right. Four things! He is so far in the lead.
And he had a lovely little run as fast as he could to a caravan.
Who's next? I'll show you. Here we go.
OK.
OK. Maybe I have to memorise these.
I'll memorise them just in case. For a laugh.
OK.
Hello. Hi, David. Welcome to the caravan. Thank you.
'You got here in time. Right. A feather. PING
There was an egg. PING
'And there was a pipe and there was a salt-shaker. PING
There was the little round red TM thing.
'There was a rope tied up, there was a plastic gun. PING
'There was a peacock feather and there was a penknife. PING
An empty salt cellar. PING
A gun. PING
The wooden board was red. BUZZ
You said "balls". PING
'You said that I look very nice. You said hello. PING
'You said something like "books" and... PING
I... I didn't take it in. That's the headline.
Er...
Yeah, I stood there knowing this would happen. Mm. Can I go back?
No. OK.
The colour of the wooden board in the lab.
It was the colour of wood? Brown? Brown. Brown?
Or maybe it was white.
See, now what's happening is I'm seeing things in here
and I want to say them, so I want to say lobster, skull, pineapple.
You are saying them. Those are the things in here.
Yeah, OK. I'm done. I'm not a perfectionist.
Katy. Thanks. BELL
I really feel that I should have done better.
So pleased with yourself, aren't you? Always turn over the exam.
Might be a question on the back.
I mean, you've got to be pleased.
I just had a feeling. I mean, I've seen the show before.
It seems like the sort of thing you'd have to do.
You see, when David looked back at the objects for that few beats,
I didn't know whether he was memorising them
or whether he was genuinely baffled by the movement.
I do do memory palace. Anyone do that?
Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Yes.
I was trying to do that but I couldn't remember how to do it.
Let's get some points going up.
Jo did come last in that one, then it was Rose, then Ed and David.
Katy only didn't get Colonel Mustard or Professor Plum,
and she gets the full five points.
Let us have the scoreboard. OK.
We have joint leaders at this stage,
and they are David Baddiel and Katy Wix.
Nine points! We're off!
Then you shall give me a new task immediately. Of course.
And here we have a spot of outdoor creativity. Here we go.
Hello, Jo. Hi, Alex. Bit like Jurassic Park.
Careful. Oh! Watch out.
"Build the most robust statue of the most delicate thing."
"Using the materials provided and place it on" - oops -
"the red cross."
"Your delicate thing must be recognisable on the red cross
"an hour after you finish."
"And should leave you feeling enormously proud of your creation.
"You have 15 minutes." Final line please, Katy. Oh.
"Your time starts now."
OK. Here we are again.
Feelings are delicate, aren't they? The male ego?
But how do I represent that in a robust statue? Egg boxes?
I'm just wondering whether I can convince him that I'm delicate?
Yes. Seems like we should just get on with this, really. OK.
There's some delicate stuff for us to see. Delicate but robust.
Here we go.
I was going to say my ego, except I have a very robust ego. Ah.
What's a delicate thing? A leaf? This is pretty delicate.
There have been times in my life when it's been delicate, my ego.
Whoops. I was 15, I think, and it took me ages to ask Avril Cowen,
who was a very beautiful Scottish young woman.
She said, "I wish you hadn't asked me that."
Looking like a leaf. Does it look like...? Yeah.
Oh, no! It's on the fucking thing!
No! I nailed it to the damn table!
Ah, yes. That's Avril. You said she was beautiful.
LAUGHS What is that?
Is she nearly done? I think so.
Argh!
There you go. OK, thank you, David.
Has it got to be there in an hour? Yes. Thanks, Jo.
WHISTLE Thank you, Rose.
How do you feel about your creation? Yeah, it's OK.
Sorry, I'm feeling enormously proud of my creation.
What did Avril Cowen mean by that?
Well, it was a youth camp and for some reason
if you wanted to get off with a girl, you had this slightly
formal thing you had to do which was to say to them,
"Will you go with me?"
"Would you go with me"?! Did you grow up in 1920s Chicago?
Would you go with me?
It's 15-year-old David Baddiel!
Is that a fair representation of you, Jo? Do you like poetry? Yeah.
Do you want to bang one out for us?
Do I want to bang out a poem for you? Yeah.
I'll have a go. Here we go.
I'm going to miss out some of the words
because I can't remember them. That's OK.
And that's all of them.
Rose, what the fuck was your thing?
I think the work speaks for itself.
It's the least delicate thing of all time,
but what was it supposed to be? A leaf. What a beautiful leaf!
Look, I'm sorry, but we have to stop again.
More action soon, followed by a new task,
a live task, and then Katy Wix's prize dong, OK?
Bye. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Yes. And I'd just like to take a moment to say thank you
using the Taskmaster's voice.
Thank you.
Before the break we saw some lovely, very personal sculptures.
Do you want to see how they looked after an hour? Yeah.
And then I want you to go with me.
Hello, Jo. Hi, Alex. Do you want to have a seat? What, on this thing?
Oh, OK. Hello. Hello Rose. Have a seat. OK.
"Score a goal with this football."
"Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle." Understand the rules?
Yeah, I've got to score a goal. And is there a goalie? A sort of goalie.
Oh, no. That's my statue. Right in the way, yeah.
Good luck. Oh, I wish you hadn't done that. That's mean. Good luck.
Your time starts... WHISTLE
Oh, my God!
See the... Where's the ball gone?
Coming! Thank you.
Argh!
Alex! Coming!
You're close. Am I supposed to squash my thing? Oh.
Yeah, that'll do. Come on, come on.
Goal! APPLAUSE
I stopped the clock. Bye, Jo. Bye!
WHISTLE That's the goal.
Sorry, Avril. You should have said yes.
Now I've destroyed the statue and I haven't even scored.
For the second time in 40 years.
And it's a goal! WHISTLE
It's a nice clean cut.
Lovely. How is your statue?
Quite a lot thinner, which is something for me to work towards.
I found it genuinely heartbreaking when mini Jo Brand got crushed.
You're on your own there, I reckon.
You knew that was important to me psychologically.
Maybe we've helped you both exorcise a ghost, in a way.
Maybe you don't have to listen to rubbish old poetry any more
and maybe you can let that woman go.
That's how 1920s David Baddiel would have dispatched of Avril as well.
If you don't go out with me, you're going to find yourself
on the underside of a roller, baby.
Flat as a pancake, see.
Katy, I would argue that the roller has enhanced your delicate thing.
I had a fucking horrible time on it. Didn't even see the delicate thing,
Had no sense, I was just trying to survive.
But it was a miraculous slice of a thing
and you were one of the quickest driving. Amazing.
I don't know how that happened. Rose, that leaf was enormous
and the fact that you were the only one so far to totally miss it
with a roller...
..is unbelievable.
Yeah, God intervened.
David was the slowest. He took 15 minutes 20 seconds.
He was travelling at 5 miles per day.
Katy with 11, Jo with eight minutes.
Rose, four minutes 45. Wow. Just straight down there.
One more to see. Do you want to see why we've kept Ed till last?
Oh, no. Yes, please. OK. Here we go.
I'm just going to have to do...
Not a flower, Ed. Think of something better than that.
A little... baby!
Head.
Ooh, sausage legs.
This is just a general broadcast question.
Is it weird if I do the baby's nipples?
Belly button.
Have you finished, Ed? God. I think I have!
Ed, please have a seat. Woohoo!
"Score a goal with this football."
Thank you. Your time starts...
There we go.
Woohoo!
Here we go!
The whole ball has to go across.
Oh, no!
I think we all know what's going to happen now, don't we?
Good goal, Ed.
What's it meant to be?
A baby.
Oh. Sorry. There's some there as well.
I mean... if I'd known in advance, I wouldn't have made a baby.
I don't know why it's made worse by the fact that the baby had nipples.
And it was crucified.
Oh, I put it on the board for stability. You crucified it.
It was clearly crucified and then you mimed its crucifixion.
Thought it was the baby Jesus and that Jesus was crucified as a baby.
Yeah, but... You need to reread the book.
If I'm to take the word "robust" literally,
we have to look at David and Ed's
and say, "That's just a pile of mush."
I'm going to give them both two points.
There was one strand of Jo's hair left... Yes, there was.
..and that gets her an extra point. Three points. OK.
Despite it being one of the worst things ever made
on nine series of the show, Rose's thing was robust and intact,
so I'm going to give her four points. Fair enough.
Clearly, Katy's beautiful cross-section of a delicate leaf
takes home the big five. Thank you.
Well, David got a total of three, very low. Ed, five.
Jo and Katy both with seven points.
Rose got nine points in that task, so well done, Rose Matafeo.
Please may I see another task? Yes, you may, Greg. Get ready.
Here comes the task.
Hello, Ed. How are you?
Good. Oh.
Oh, hello. Oh!
Oh, what?! What?! Sneaky.
"Break something into the most parts and completely fix it."
"You have five minutes to select your item,
three minutes to break it..."
"and seven minutes to fix it."
What, anything? Mm-hm.
"Time starts now." Thank you.
Oh, the thing is, I'm very good at breaking but awful at fixing.
What can I break? What are you going to allow me to break?
I feel pretty broken. I don't think I could fix myself that...
..in seven minutes.
Has anyone got a car here?
Hmm.
Yes... I've got a car here.
Shall I have a go at your engine?
I'm committed to this show, but if I was to say, "My leg"...
..that would be stupid, wouldn't it?
How long did you give David to mend his shattered leg?
Seven minutes. Seven minutes.
I mean, we had the full range there, didn't we?
Katy breaking her heart, Ed like a moronic child going, "I'm going
"to take an engine to pieces."
OK. Well, we're hoping you'll learn
something from this video because it's...
..Ed, Jo, Katy... Get out! ..educate...
AUDIENCE GROANS Get out! Really?
What I'm thinking is, like, a massive bar of chocolate...
So that's possible.
..and you can just break it into, like, loads of pieces.
I'm going to break up the bread and then squish it back together.
Right, this is the other option.
Your three minutes starts now.
I'm going to have to push grapes back onto the stalk.
No-one's ever had to do that.
Where did that go?
This is absolutely insane.
One, two, three, four...
I was just thinking, actually,
you could have just broken a jigsaw up, couldn't you?
It's the completely fix part that I'm really...
..struggling with.
Why have you done it like this, Ed? You absolute arsehole.
That is just a jigsaw. I've made a chocolate jigsaw!
What have I done?!
Right, is there any glue? Any glue?!
Superglue?
OK, right. That part's over with.
That's your three minutes. Right.
All right. You have seven minutes to completely fix your slice of bread.
Brilliant. Starting now.
I don't know how I've managed that.
It's not sticking.
Oh, frick off.
The glue's not even been coming out.
Have you snipped off the top?
I've been injecting grapes with nothing.
Scissors in the kitchen.
Feels kind of erotic.
I think that looks really similar.
Well, this is how it's going to have to be.
Doesn't say it has to look the same. Good as new.
Chuck that on there as well.
Thank you, Ed. Thank you.
Looks like it's completely... fixed.
Please stop fixing your slice of bread.
OK. I don't know where to fucking start here.
Jo Brand, straight to the chocolate,
repaired the chocolate using Sellotape.
Yeah, and didn't fucking eat it.
Whoa, I wasn't accusing you...
Big thing for me. Just got on with it like a quiet nerdy fuckwit.
Lovely, though. You could pick it up afterwards. Sort of, yes.
So, let's talk through your slice of bread. I mean, you panic, don't you?
You did break it into 220 pieces. That's pretty good.
You counted them out. Yeah. Were you wetting the bread?
Yeah, in the moment, I thought water would help, like a sort of cement.
I mean, it was in one piece, back together at the end.
You wouldn't be able to pick that bread up, would you?
I think so, with a spatula.
Definitely. Was the crust in the middle of the bread? Yeah.
Yeah!
Um... Ed.
Jesus Christ.
I'd love to try and back it up, but I lost my mind.
Broke into 65 pieces. That's something. Yeah.
And it ended up as 65 pieces covered in glue. OK.
We've one part left until episode three is complete.
But first, I need to have some alone time. Stop looking at me. Bye-bye.
Thank you. Nice clapping. Great clapping.
It's the last part of the show. There's some serious wood to be won.
But first, there's a task to be completed. There sure is.
Hey, guys.
If it ain't broke, break it and then fix it for a potential five points.
That's the task. Quite unexpectedly,
three of them tried to break and then fix food.
We haven't seen Rose yet, or David, so here's Rose and David.
Well, I was thinking if I got a piece of string, cut it up,
so I'm breaking it into the most parts,
but then tying it together again,
so I'm actually really fixing it, aren't I?
Hello. Hello, David. I've brought my broadcast award for you.
I've been nominated for numerous awards,
but I've never actually won one.
So you'd end up still with one big piece of string? Yeah. Yeah?
And I think that would be fixing a piece of string.
As a result, I felt I would have a particular energy in destroying
your broadcast award.
Your three minutes starts now.
Please be careful.
Ooh!
Have you got any earplugs?
You want some earplugs? I might deafen myself doing this.
Oh, dear.
One knot. Two knots. I could do a knot in about ten seconds, so...
..let's do some maths.
That's six. Six times by seven's 42. So I could do 42 knots. Could I?
Have you got any lighter fuel? Lighter fluid? Yeah.
Have you got a match?
Oh, I've put it out.
I think that's enough, I think that's enough. I'm too scared.
Your seven minutes to fix your string completely starts now.
Have you got a pen?
What sort of pen? Black pen.
That doesn't work. This doesn't write on here.
Right. Just says "Broad Arse" now.
Do you want a Broad Arse award?
Is it a compliment?
Seems like a challenge that a cursed princess would be made to do,
locked in a tower, "Tie these strings together."
If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
Just want to check the integrity. Hm-mm.
There we go.
Are you going to...? Do what?
Put it back to how it was completely or...? What do you mean?
Oh, shit!
That doesn't count. That doesn't count. That's gorgeous, isn't it?
WHISTLE Yeah. Thanks, Rose.
David, once you'd established that the award was just one solid
bit of metal... Yeah. ..what did you think it would add
setting fire...
LAUGHTER ..setting fire to it?
Well, I thought it might melt, and then be easier to smash into pieces.
Oh, you thought the lighter fluid would get it to such a heat...
I thought it would melt and become, like, molten award,
and then I could smash it more easily.
Because I don't know if you noticed, it wasn't smashed. Yeah.
OK, let's talk about your fairy tale.
In this fairy tale, does the evil man say,
"You must cut up some string and then make it whole again,"
or did your princess choose to do that?
Yeah, the princess was probably just a bit bored.
It strikes me, Rose, that if... It's a traditional fairy tale,
a handsome prince will come and rescue the princess,
that he might get to the top of the tower
and see that she's spent all her time cutting up string and then
tying it back together again and think,
"Oh, she seems quite boring to me."
I'm not going to get points off for being boring, am I? Feels like it!
He set fire to a lump of metal.
And I'm going to get no points.
Who do you think broke it and fixed it the worst? Who do you think?!
Obviously Ed lost his mind, he gets one point. OK.
David didn't break anything, he gets two points. Right.
Katy, you reformed the bread but you wouldn't be able to pick
it up, so I'm only going to give you three points. OK.
Rose, Rumpelstiltskin, yes.
The Princess Who Tied String Together, rubbish.
But I can't deny it looked like string, I'll give you four points.
And Jo Brand, I mean, tick, tick, tick, five points.
Woohoo! Hurray!
Scores?
Ed is in last place with 12 points, seven points
away from the leader so far, which is Katy Wix with 19 points! Whey!
Right! Up you stand, please.
Make your way to the stage for the final task of the show! OK.
Five great guys in ponchos. Who's going to read the task out?
Katy Wix is going to read it out, if that's all right. OK.
"Wearing your blindfold correctly at all times,
"fill a pint glass with water.
"If you make a big mess you are disqualified.
"Closest to a pint of water wins. You have three minutes."
Can I piss in it?
That wouldn't be water, David, would it? It would be piss.
It would be mainly water. Well, yes. Yes, you can.
Is everyone ready to put their blindfolds on? Yes!
Yeah, go on, then. Pop them down.
Just going to take off your red cloak. Thank you.
Is this water?
I feel like I'm in a terrible Slipknot tribute act!
Is there water in here?
You've got three minutes to make a pint of water.
Your time starts...
How do you get the... Over, the lid.
That's water. I don't understand! What don't you understand, Katy?
I don't know, all of it.
Is this all water? Is it all water?
These are all valid questions. Is that blood?
OK, I'm going to drink some of this.
Argh! What is that? Pardon?
Urgh! Urgh. Urgh!
Urgh, what is that?
Shit! That is Marmite.
If you make a big mess, you will be disqualified.
That's water.
That felt like a rat!
I don't know what that is. It smells medical.
Oh, that's not water!
Very focused at the end. Very focused. Very good.
Oh, that's water!
Wargh-wargh-wargh!
That was fucking sand! Oh!
I should say, yeah, don't drink the sand. That's not...
That's not water.
What the heck is that?!
Oh, hang on.
That doesn't shake.
Oh! Vinegar! LAUGHTER
Eight seconds left. That's vinegar as well.
Five... four... three... two... one.
I just realised that I had my eyes shut for the whole thing!
How did you do that?! Yay!
It's like a body-builder's breakfast!
Hey, I've got an idea.
We'll analyse the pints, we'll tot up the points,
we'll get the final score.
Why don't you all come down here and join me?
Now, that was all very exciting, wasn't it?
It was, and I've analysed the pints, so you can...
Oh, here we go. ..distribute the points. The pints look like...
Some of them look like pure, pure water, though. But were they?
Well, I can tell you, at either end you've got David and Rose who,
amazingly, put the same amount of water and vinegar in theirs.
Ed is very nearly a pint. Lovely. He also put one thing of vinegar in.
Did I?! Yes, you did.
Katy only put a little bit of water in, seven test tubes,
but it is just water.
And then Jo - water, egg, vinegar and two jars of cotton wool.
So the closest to a pint is Ed.
Is Ed Gamble, and he only popped one vinegar in.
Well, he's a clear five pointer. OK, five points to Ed Gamble.
Then you've got Katy's pure water,
David and Rose, it's 10 parts water, one part vinegar. Right.
OK, well, we have to recognise pure water. And respect it.
And respect it.
That's what Katherine means. It means pure.
Hey! Four points.
You're putting Katy in second place. I'm putting Katy in second place.
I think we know where this is going. David and Rose...
Joint third. Joint third. And one point to Jo Brand! Jo Brand!
Shall I give you the final scoreboard of this episode? Yes! OK.
Well, Jo did end up in last place with 15,
and the winner of this episode, with 23 points, was Katy Wix!
Whey!
Katy Wix wins episode three.
Please go and wave around your winner's wood!
What have we learned today?
We've learned that if you've got a busy life full of stress,
deadlines and bills to be paid, try and remember that,
at the end of the day, life is just injecting grapes with nothing.
Thank you, everybody, for watching,
and let's hear it again for tonight's winner, Katy Wix!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media