你知道吗? Are you alert?
好 告诉他们… Okay, well tell them....
不 No.
我过15分就到，别吵了。 I'll be there in about 15 minutes, so stop arguing.
好,谢了,再见。 Okay, thanks. Bye.
(KSXP 2 沙加缅度直播台)
-早,佛雷 -早,艾比 -Morning, Freddy. -Morning, Abby.
-你今天美呆了 -里面情况有这么糟吗? -You look awfully pretty today. -Oh, is it that bad in there?
-早安 -早 - 有麻烦了 -Good morning. -Morning. -We got problems.
世上没有麻烦,只有解决的办法. There are no problems, Joy, only solutions.
交通摄影机坏了,报路况没影像. The traffic camera is down and we have no B-roll for our traffic segment.
-这下有麻烦了 -对 -That is a problem. -Yeah.
找媒体实验室的迈特他有空拍器,他欠我的. Call Matt at Media Lab. He's got some Skycams.
-我的气象猛男呢? -都在这里 -Where are all my weathermen? -Right here.
-嗨 -哈罗 -Hey. -Hello.
谢谢你们来,你们真赞. Thank you all for coming. You guys look great.
谢谢你们来此. Thanks for being here. Good.
为什么他们怎么都这么大只? ls there a reason they're all overweight?
如果气象播报有误 If they get the forecast wrong
研究显示观众比较会原谅胖子 research shows people are more willing to forgive a fat guy.
艾比,我不想这么对你,不过我真的无法跟她共事下去了. Abby, I hate to do this. I don't think I can work with her any more.
在家被她念就够了在播报台也要 It's bad enough I have to take her criticism at home.
男人不该永无止境的隐忍 A man can only endure so much.
赖瑞,你不是男人 Larry, you are not a man
你是新闻人 you are a newsman.
新闻人不是养尊处优的 Newsmen are not defined by the easy times
新闻人是历经磨难的 they're defined by the hard times.
你能想像,盛逐如、李似端 Can you imagine, Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw...
跟他们老婆一起报新闻吗?不行 working with their wives as co-anchors? No.
因为他们根本搞不定 Because they couldn't handle it.
可是朋友,你跨下有雄伟巨蛋 But you. You, my friend, have balls the size of Volkswagens.
别以为我没注意到 Don't think I haven't noticed.
它们最近有点累 Well, I only thought of them as blue of late.
不过它们是很雄伟 But you're right. They're quite sizable.
又匀称.我觉得它们根本就是很帅气. But not disproportionately. So I think of them as aesthetically pleasing.
我就说嘛 Yeah, I think I made my point.
你这是在耍我吗? 沙加缅度的人才不关心… Are you kidding me right now? Nobody in Sacramento
巴西鼻涕虫濒临绝种, 根本没新闻价值. gives a crap about the extinction rate of the Brazilian slug worm.
不过有哪个名媛被送勒戒就呛了. Knowing which celebutante is in rehab is of vital importance?
-你的声音让我毛骨悚然 -他想杀我 -Your voice makes my hair -Okay. He is trying to kill me.
-他知道我对螃蟹过敏. -那是炸蟹角. -He knows I can't eat crab. -It's Crab Rangoon.
-谁不爱吃炸蟹角? -妈呀,你看到没? -Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon? -Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?
-这是蜂窝组织炎吗? -我觉得像梅毒. -ls that a hive? -No, looks like syphilis to me.
要不是我对名人大杂交的报导, 你根本不知道梅毒长什么样子. You wouldn't even know what syphilis looks like if it weren't for my story.
-三号机准备 -是的… -Stand by to go to three. -Yeah, so some--
义式烩鸡要放蘑菇大蒜 Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic. Exactly.
-把蘑菇放进去 -好 -Yeah. Put the mushrooms in. -All right.
不管你要放多少大蒜都行 And whatever amount of garlic you want.
-是吗? -大蒜永远不嫌多 -Really? -You can't have enough garlic.
-是啊 -当然罗 -Oh, you can. -I certainly can.
-我每晚都嗑大蒜 -我帮你弄了一大匙 -Do it every night. -I got a nice, big spoon for you.
-来吧. -真棒,谢谢. -Here you go. -Oh, excellent. Thank you.
-好吃吗? -这是我… -That good? -I have to say, Rocco...
吃过最棒的义式烩鸡 this is the best chicken cacciatore I've ever tasted.
我就知道你喜欢,不过这是烩鸭. l knew you'd like it. It's duck cacciatore, actually.
-惨了. -他刚刚是说“鸭子”吗? -Oh, no. -Did he just say 'duck'?
用这来取代鸡很不错 And it's a great alternative to chicken.
尝起来跟鸡肉没两样 It kind of tastes just like chicken, right?
鸭子,呱呱叫的鸭子? Duck, like 'quack, quack' duck?
-准备提前进广告. -好 -Okey, get ready to roll to break. -Yeah.
-鸭子耶. -对. -Whoa, duck. -Yeah.
我们是鸡肉一族 Man, we're a chicken household.
-是啊. -叫赖瑞把话题… -We are. -Tell Larry to throw it to Javier...
-转给气象男 -应该没关系吧? -...while she pulls it together. -Or is it okay?
-很不错. -气象男,你喜欢吗? -It's good. -Javier, do you like it?
我能不能打包带回家? Can I take home the leftovers?
-你不要打包带回家吗? -稍后… -You sure you don't want any leftovers? -When we return...
-有空拍交通现况报导 -好 -...our live Skycam traffic update. -Okay.
还有,猜猜这周谁进了勒戒所? And guess who's in rehab this week.
-准备进广告 -稍后报导… -Stand by to roll break. -Also, how you can adopt...
如何下载个性小游戏 ...your very own slug worm, when we come back.
-进广告 -加盐会不会更好吃?试试看 -Roll your break. -How about salt? SaIt make it better?
你真行 l don't know how you do it.
掌握状况,直接斩断乱源就好. It's just a matter of looking chaos right in the eye and telling it to eff off.
你们做得很好,谢了. You guys did great. Thank you.
我想我们该换新的总舖师了 I think it's time for a new chef on this show. I really do.
拜托,老骆是老搭档了—— Now, come on. Rocco's been with us--
-艾比? -这道菜有那么烂吗? -Abby? -It's this upsetting?
老大要见你,他很不爽. Hey, Stuart wants to see you. He's freaking out.
他看到收视率了. Oh, he got the ratings.
-来一点吧? -好,给我. -Want some? -Yeah, give me that.
你看过昨天的收视率了? Have you seen the ratings from yesterday?
连无线台的节目都赢过我们,连重播的《包青天》都赢我们. We got beat by all the network shows, including a rerun of Who's the Boss?
还是审乌盆那一集. The one where the vacuum breaks.
这只是暂时的,明天就会好转. It's just a temporary setback. Things will be better tomorrow.
公共电视的老人节目 You know that guy with the cable-access show...
也赢我们 on Channel 83 does better.
要是我们重播《蓝色蜘蛛网》 If we program Jerry Springer reruns...
可能还有得拼 we'd do a nine-share at a quarter of the price.
你不是想砍掉我的节目吧. Please don't tell me you're thinking of killing the show.
我们已经不是家族电视台了. We're not a family-run station anymore, Abby.
我爱你,你很行. l mean, I love you. You're great at what you do.
不过你得给我一些数字. But you gotta get me some numbers.
我两个女儿念大学,儿子学美发. l got two daughters in college and a son in beauty school.
我不知你对沙宣了解多少,不过那玩意可不便宜. l don't know how much you know about Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.
我会冲出收视率的. l can rally. I will rally.
你最好是能冲,天天冲. You do rally. Every day, Abby.
不过我担心的是 But that's what worries me.
你冲不了多高. That even you won't be enough.
我不能让高层主宰节目内容 l should not be letting corporate management...
这是我的节目 ...dictate the content of this show. It's my show.
我掌控一切 我该取消今晚约会 l control it. l should skip the date tonight.
回家想点子. Stay home, think up some ideas for sweeps.
当然不行. Absolutely not, Abby.
你应该要出门去观察人 You should be out there observing humanity.
-人才是我们节目的观众. -是啊,只有2.47%. -Humanity is who watches our show. -Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.
你跟这家伙的约会改了三次时间 You have rescheduled on this guy three times.
今晚再爽约,他就跑了. You cancel on him tonight and he's gone.
看看这个骨架. Look at this bone structure.
这可能是你未来儿女的骨架. This could be the bone structure of your future children.
你希望他们长相俊俏吧? Don't you want them to be symmetrical?
你调他的档案来看? You printed his profile?
是啊,你已经很久没吸到阳气了 What? Yes. These have not been touched in some time.
我还得忍受你的烂约会经验. l have to live vicariously through your life.
我觉得这可以当我们下一个男友 l really think that this could be our next boyfriend.
-嗨 -你好 -Hi. -Hello.
我找一位棕发蓝眼、强壮的男人. I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown hair, athletic build, blue eyes.
他身高170,我知道你觉得他矮 He's 5'9''. Which I know you're thinking is short...
-他看过《大亨小传》两次… -我身高其实是168 -...but he's read The Great Gatsby-- -Well, technically 5'8'' and a half...
要的话我可以再看一次《大亨小传》 ...but I could read The Great Gatsby again if it makes it any better.
要不要点些水来喝? Hi. Can I get some water for the table?
好,一瓶瓶装水,谢谢. Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?
-好的 -谢谢 -Sure. -Thank you.
等一下,对不起.你知不知道研究结果显示… Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you know they've done studies that show...
自来水和瓶装水其实都一样 ...tap water and bottled water are the same thing.
最近法令还规定餐厅都必须过滤自来水 They passed a law where restaurants have to filter their tap water...
因此自来水跟瓶装水其实没两样 ...so it's filtered water, which is the same as bottled water...
你根本不用多花钱买水,对吧? ...except you don't have to pay 7 dollars for it.
不知耶,我喜欢瓶装水的口感.再来两杯威士忌加冰块. l like the way it tastes better. Can I get a Scotch on the rocks too?
-谢谢 -好的 -Thank you. -Oh, yeah.
我以为… I thought....
你的档案说你喜欢喝红酒 I thought in your profile it said you-- You like to drink red wine.
-你印了我的档案? -是我助理印的 -You printed out my profile? -My associate producer did.
她希望我有准备,不是说我都没准备啦. She doesn't like me to not be prepared. Not that I'm ever not prepared.
对了,你的车险规划真赞. Kudos, by the way, on your comprehensive car insurance plan.
-我档案里没那个. -对,是背景调查写的. -That wasn't in my profile. -No, but it's in your background check.
跟我谈谈你自己吧 So tell me about yourself.
还有什么你不知道的呢? Well, what's left to talk about that you don't already know?
说的对 Good point.
其实 All right, well, you know...
我很冒昧的印出一些谈话重点.. ...l actually took the liberty of printing out some talking points...
以备不时之需. ...in case this happened.
-我怎么觉得这种事以前发生过? -没… -I take it this has happened before? -No. No.
只是在我清单上的十项必备条件中你具备九项. But you have nine out of 10 of the necessary attributes on my checklist.
老天爷,好吧. Oh, dear God. Okay.
这个好,就从第三点开始吧 Oh, this is a good one. Let's start with three, okay?
别问了. Don't ask.
广告之后继续为您报导. More on this when we come back.
动物园不得已必须… We'll hear from a zoo official forced to take--
回到《真相挖挖哇》,在今晚我们来谈谈... And we're back with The Ugly Truth, where we're gonna be talking about...
男人跟女人真正想要的是什么. ...what it is men and women really want in relationships.
我最近看了一些书——《聪明与愚笨之间》 I've been looking through some books. Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
《男人最爱痛恨他们的女人》 Men Who Love Women Who Hate Them.
还有《恨女人的男人讨厌爱男人的女人》 And Women Hating Men Who Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men.
浪费几十亿在这些烂书上。 Billions and billions wasted on psychobabble bullshit.
听清楚了,女人,我只说一次... Now, listen up, ladies, because I'm only gonna say this once...
只有几个字: ...and it is just three little words:
男人很简单. Men are simple.
我们学不乖的. We cannot be trained.
这些男人不懂的废话根本是浪费你的时间和金钱. All this, 'men are from Venus' crap is a waste of your time and money.
你想当老处女,随便你... You wanna be a lonely hag, then that's fine...
继续看这堆蠢书吧. ...keep reading these stupid books.
若想征服情海,唯一秘诀是: But you want a relationship, then here's how you get one:
多踩阶梯瘦身机! It's called a Stairmaster.
努力塑身,让身材火辣. Get on it, and get skinny...
再加上一些性感内衣... ...and get some trashy lingerie while you're at it...
因为最终,我们只看外表. ...because at the end of the day, all we're interested in is looks.
没人会第一眼爱上你的个性. And no one falls in love with your personality at first sight.
我们都爱你的浪乳翘臀... We fall in love with your tits and your ass...
我们死缠烂打,只是想和你的肉体玩十八招. ...and we stick around because of what you're willing to do with them.
所以要想赢得男人心不用十八招... So you wanna win a man over, you don't need 10 steps...
一招就可以搞定就是一流的吹功 ...you need one, and it's called a blowjob.
记得还要这样… And don't forget to....
懂了没?现在来接打进的电话. Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.
你竟敢烧那些书. How dare you burn those books.
它们对我好处多多. They've helped my personal life more than I can say.
公主,你男友叫什么名字? What's your boyfriend's name, princess?
我现在没有伴. Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.
我就说嘛,史瑞克.下一位. My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.
你在线上了. You're on the air.
你是说男人没有爱的能力? So you're saying that men are incapable of love?
我戳破了你的浪漫爱情梦? Oh, did I burst your little harlequin romance bubble?
怎样?拜托. What? Come on.
你唯一戳破的是你的可信度. The only thing you burst is your credibility.
男人完全有体验爱情的能力. Men are completely capable of experiencing love.
我买帐,说吧,这家伙是谁? Okay, I'll bite. Go on. Who's the guy?
-什么? -这个完美先生 -What? -The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
这个很会爱的人.他是谁?长相如何? The one who's so capable of love. Who is he? What's he like?
他聪明、英俊却不自知. He's smart, he's handsome but he doesn't know it.
他事业成功又位居要职. He's successful, but in a job that means something.
他喜欢红酒、野餐、古典音乐. He loves red wine, picnics, classical music.
这家伙住美国对吧? This is a guy in America, right?
你不是从欧洲打来的吧? l mean, you're not calling from Europe or something?
他爱狗,不过却更爱猫. He loves dogs, but he's more of a cat person.
他星期天绝对不会比我早起床. He never gets up before you on a Sunday morning.
等等,我懂了. Wait a second, I get it.
你是女同. You're a lesbian.
-什么? -一定是啦 -What? -Well, you must be.
你说的是完美的女人。 l mean, you just described the perfect woman.
你为什么这么不爽这些特质? Why are you so threatened by these qualities?
也许是因为你啥都没有. ls it perhaps because you don't possess a single one of them...
这也是你没女人爱的原因. ...and that is the real reason why women aren't interested in you?
好,我自掏腰包给你一百元. Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks of my own money...
你只要带这家伙来让我见一面. ...to go get this guy and bring him down here and let me meet him.
他就在某个角落里. Well, he's out there, somewhere.
等一下. Wait a second.
这家伙连个影子都没有? You're not even dating this guy?
没有,我描述的是一个类型. No, I'm describing a type.
我们不就是在谈这个吗? I thought that's what we were doing.
搞啥?你根本不认识他? What? You don't even know him?
好,我了解了. Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.
等一下，你是野猪妹。 Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
-什么? -你一定是嘛。 -What? -Well, you must be.
拜托，如果你够辣… Come on, you heard me.I mean, if you were--
你就会把一些呆头男耍得团团转， If you were hot, you would be out breaking some poor schmuck's heart...
而不是花时间想像完美先生。 ...instead of spending all your time fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.
认清现实吧 Face it...
你很丑 You're ugly.
我不丑 l am not ugly.
那好吧，我来帮你一把。 Well, okay, let me help you out here.
你最好面对你会终身孤独的现实。 You might as well face the fact that you're gonna be alone...
别再幻想你永远找不到的好男人。 and stop pining away for some fantasy guy you're never gonna get.
-你怎么可以… -野猪妹… -How can you possibly-- -Hey, Lassie.
本节目叫《真相挖挖哇》不能面对真相，就别叩应。 The show's called The Ugly Truth. If you can't face it, don't call.
今晚的节目到此差不多了。 That wraps it up for this evening.
我是查麦克，提醒你现实永远是残酷的。 I'm Mike Chadway reminding you that the truth is never pretty.
约会进展如何? How'd the date go?
我很高兴选了那家餐厅 Well, I was very pleased with the choice of restaurant.
-真是太好了。 -为什么? -That is so awesome. -Why?
早，各位。 Good morning, everyone.
-早 -早 -Morning. -Morning.
在我播带子之前，我警告各位…… Now, before I play you this, I should warn you...
这家伙有点粗。 this guy's a little rough around the edges.
-认清现实吧，你很丑。 -我不丑 -Face it, you're ugly. -I am not ugly.
-怎么… -我们干嘛看这个? -Well-- -Why are we watching this?
见过我们的新名嘴 Say hello to our new guest commentator.
我先排他一周两段，一段三分钟。 I'm starting him at two segments a week, three minutes a pop.
-你是在耍我吗? -这家伙是哪里冒出来的? -Are you kidding me? -Who the hell is this guy?
-我叫查麦克 -他是个反女人的白目男 -Name's Mike Chadway. -And he's an uber-moron misogynist...
他是电视和社会的反面教材 who represents everything wrong with television and society.
我每次的提议都被批得满头包 I get crap every time I suggest we do something remotely fluffy.
拜托，他的风格自成一派。 Oh, come on. He's got a point of view.
我们不必喜欢。我们是新闻人。 We don't have to like it. I mean, we're newspeople.
我们很客观。李似端访问绑匪… We're objective. Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.
不代表喜欢他们。他是为了收视率 Doesn't mean he likes them, he does it for ratings.
我有一狗票的点子能改善收视率 I have a whole list of ideas to improve ratings.
-你会喜欢的，我们不需要他。 -我们不需要他 -You'll like it. We don't need him. -Not at all.
-“市长的亲密档案” -我喜欢 -'An intimate profile of the mayor.' -I like that.
-我喜欢市长 -这个赞 -I like the mayor. -Fantastic.
-市长? -对，内容铁定劲爆又有趣 -The mayor? -Yes. It can be edgy and yet intriguing.
除非你能现场直播他连上三女…… Unless you can get him to bang three crack whores...
加一只狼狗，否则根本没人想看。 ...and a German shepherd on live TV, no one's gonna give a shit.
对不起，我刚刚在外面偷听。 Oh, I'm sorry. I was eavesdropping out in the hall.
我是怎么说的？这家伙赞吧？ What did I tell you? Isn't this guy great?
谢了，老板。 Oh, thanks, boss.
你已经雇用他了? You already hired him?
这位尤物是谁啊? Who's this delightful creature?
我是制片。 I'm your producer.
嗨 Hey.
我喜欢女人在上位 I like a woman on top.
天哪 God.
-不错的办公室 -他开玩笑的啦 -Nice office. -He's just kidding.
是啊 Oh, yeah.
-这是怎样 -麦克，看过你的办公室没？ -Excuse me. -Mike, you see your office?
-还没 -来，我带你去。 -No, I didn't. -Oh, come on, let me show you.
-赞啦 -休息五分钟，我马上回来。 -Beautiful. -Everybody take five. I'll be right back.
你们没上过性骚扰防治课吗? Were you all not there last year for our sexual-harassment meeting?
-是啊，赖瑞 ,你没上过吗？ -他必须去 -Were you not there, Larry? -He needs to go.
他又没有骚扰我 He wasn't sexually harassing me.
我是得过奖的新闻制片 I am an award-winning news producer.
我是得过奖的新闻制片 我是得过奖的新闻制片 I am an award-winning news producer. I am an award-winning news producer.
你是得过奖的新闻制片 You're an award-winning news producer.
-你不敲门的啊? -我敲了,你没反应。 -You don't knock? -Well, I did knock. You didn't answer.
所以基本上，你的敲门无效。 So essentially, your knock was negated by your complete lack of adherence...
因你完全不懂敲门后应有的礼仪 to the social etiquette that follows a knock.
哇，在上面这么紧张啊。 You're wound like a fucking top.
汪、汪。记得我的声音吗? Woof, woof. Remember the bark?
昨晚，我们通过电话。 Last night, a little phone conversation we had.
对哦！真想不到。 Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
真是的，你不像野猪妹嘛。 You're not ugly at all.
我还真松了一口气 Oh, well, imagine my relief.
我想感谢你给我机会 l want to thank you for getting me this gig.
要不是你我根本没搞头 I would never have gotten it without you.
你和我，做出好节目。 You and I, we make good TV.
你的节目…… You make imbecilic trash...
根本是给低能的人看的 watched by housebound inbreds who are so busy...
他们的手忙着伸进裤子里自爽没时间按遥控器转台 with their hands down their pants, they can't change the remote.
没想到你会那样，不过这画面很赞。 I hadn't been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.
我根本不看你的节目 I do not watch your program.
是我的咪咪不小心踩到遥控器 My cat stepped on the remote.
你想要我感谢你的咪咪? Oh, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?
赖瑞、乔雅你们听我说，我要你们搞死他。 Larry, Georgia, listen to me. I want you to skewer him.
我要查麦克死无葬身之地 I want Mike Chadway to go down in flames.
我要查麦克在你们身旁化成灰烬 I want Mike Chadway to be nothing but a pile of ash next to you.
我要打扫阿桑进来 I want the janitor to come vacuum up the ashes of Mike with his Dustbuster...
用强力吸尘器把他的灰给吸光再把灰都倒在外面的垃圾箱里 and when he dumps it outside, I want the rats to vomit and defecate...
让老鼠在他的灰烬上又吐又拉 on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
我还以为你比较泼辣呢 And I thought you were angry and bitter.
不，赖瑞，泼辣的是我饥渴的欲望。 No, Larry, that would be my untouched vagina.
-查麦克 什么? -Chadway? -What?
再过20秒上现场 Twenty seconds to air.
准备好了？赖瑞？ About ready? Larry?
-我的化妆间有只小鸟 -我会搞定 -There's a bird in my dressing room. -I'll take care of it.
-真的鸟？ -对，四处乱飞。 -A real bird? -It's flying around.
-是麻雀？ -干嘛问？ -A sparrow? -Why?
-我不知是什么鸟，就是一只鸟。 -这里的保全真糟。 -I don't know what type of bird it is. -Security here is awful.
你们该把门关好 You guys have really got to keep the doors closed.
四、三 Four, three....
各位早安，我是费赖瑞，又是沙加缅度美好的一天。 Morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman. Another beautiful day in Sacramento.
我与一位美女同坐在此 And I'm here with a beautiful woman.
-壹号机 -好，开始了。 -Go, one. -All right, here we go.
谢谢你，赖瑞。 Thank you, Larry.
-你好，我是波乔雅。 -好，准备给乔雅特写。 -I'm Georgia Bordeney. -Ready for the single on Georgia.
多年来，电视水平低下常引争议。 For years, there have been concerns about lowering television standards.
但许多人相信此人与其小众节目…… But many believe that this man and his local public-access show...
将水平带到了新低点。 have brought things to a new low.
在此，我们欢迎查麦克。 With that, we welcome Mike Chadway.
各位好 How you doing, guys?
麦克，你对于说你节目烂的人有何回应？ Mike, how do you respond to people who say your show is offensive?
的确是的，不过真相也是如此。 Well, it is. But then again, so is the truth.
什么的真相? The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?
男女关系的真实面孔 What relationships are really like.
就拿婚姻来说吧 Take marriage, for instance.
那结合了社会压力、地位和性。 It's about social pressure, status and sex.
没这三样，女人根本懒得理你。 If it weren't for these three things, men and women wouldn't even speak.
天哪，听来你是根本没人爱…… Oh, dear. Sounds to me like no one's ever loved you...
还把怒气发在女性族群的身上 and you're taking that out on the female population.
说得好 Good one.
-这真像《全民开讲》 -那节目不错 -It's like Crossfire. -That was a good one.
乔雅，就我们观察…… While we're making these observations...
你们投射出完美夫妻的形象而这很明显根本是假象 you two project this image of the perfect couple, when clearly it's a lie.
什么? Excuse me?
-妈呀 -进广告 -Holy shit. -Break for commercial.
-不、不、不。 -老大说不管怎样都继续播。 -No. -Stuart said keep rolling no matter what.
什么？这是我的节目。 What? When? This is my show.
-现在不是了 -现在不是 -Not right now, it isn't. -Not right now.
拜托，赖瑞，我看你的节目很多年了 Come on, Larry. I watched your show for years.
你以前是那么威风凛凛 You used to be this cool, confident cat.
你是怎么回事? What the hell happened to you?
还有你，乔雅，这位可不是没脑袋的笨女人。 And you, Georgia. I mean, this one's no dumb bunny.
她知道唯一往上爬的方法…… The only way she was getting off the weekend shift...
就是钓上你这个金龟婿 was by hooking up with you.
之后，她变得比你更有人气了。 Then, lo and behold, she became more popular than you did.
领的钱还多你两倍 Ended up with twice your salary.
-二号摄影机，拍两人表情。 -快啊，赖瑞，撂倒他。 -Camera 2, two-shot. -Come on, Larry, take him down.
等等，我为我老婆的成功骄傲。 Hold on, pal. I am very proud of my wife's success.
骄傲个头啦，你恨死她的成功。 Baloney, you are. You hate her success.
她让你觉得自己没骨气 You feel emasculated by her.
这搞得你满脑子乌烟瘴气的 And that screws with your head.
结果也害你成了不举男 Which, in turn, screws with your manhood.
你的重点是什么? What's your point?
-对，乔雅，掌控情势。 -乔雅，我的重点是…… -Yes, Georgia, take control. -My point, Georgia...
你丈夫有一阵子 My point is that your husband...
没碰你了 hasn't had sex with you in...
我敢说，有三个月了。 I'm gonna say, what, three months?
-麦克，那不是我的错。 -我知道 -Chadway, that is not my fault. -I know.
-你嘛帮帮忙！-我知道，是她的错。 -I mean, come on. -I know, I know. It's her fault.
怎么是我的错? Why is it my fault? What am I supposed to do?
难道我该拒绝高薪让他硬起来? Say no to the money so he can get an erection?
她在主播台上说“硬起来” She just said 'erection' on television.
-其它电视台也一样，没什么啦。 -他们在谈软硬的问题。 -Other networks do it. -They're talking about erections.
幼幼台也会说“硬起来”啊 They say 'erection' on Sesame Street.
-我同意 -谢谢 -I agree. -Thank you.
你在经济上让你老公阉割 You've economically emasculated your husband...
因此他害怕上你 to such a point that he's afraid to want you.
当然，你可以甩了他。 I mean, sure, you could dump his ass.
不过你看过这里的好男人没？阿娘偎。 But, honey, have you seen the eligible men in Sacramento? Oh, God.
四十岁的女人选择可不多 It's slim pickings for a woman in her 40s, I can tell you.
四十岁? Forties?
-喔，天啊 -继续拍乔雅和麦克 -Oh, God. -Hold that shot with Georgia and Mike.
他竟敢谈她的年龄 He just talked about her age.
-她会宰了我 -这个嘛… -She's gonna kill me. -Well....
-四十岁？ -你找不到…… -Forty? -I mean, you ain't gonna do...
比赖瑞更好的伴了 any better than Larry.
你必须让他当男子汉 You just have to let him be a man.
-让他当男子汉，乔雅。 -我让他当男子汉。 -Let him be a man, Georgia. -I let him be a man.
-你得让我当男子汉。 -我试过。 -You have to let me be a man. -I have tried.
-让他当男子汉。 -你得让我当男子汉。 -Let him be a man. -You have to let me.
就这么简单。好了，不举男，上啊。 Simple as that. Now, you, Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
-我的妈呀。 -一号机,准备特写这三个人 -Oh, God. -Camera 1, ready for a three-shot.
-我才没有不举。 -你就是。 -I'm not frowny. -Yes, you are.
过来给这位美女一个热吻 Move in here and give this beautiful woman a kiss.
-天啊，太离谱了。 -不举？ -God. This is ridiculous. -McFlaccid?
-你真认为我不举？ -对，就是，吻她。 -That mean what I think it means? -Yes. Kiss her.
-不…他们不会。 -在我面前吻她 -No. They're not gonna-- -Give it to her, right in front of me.
-也在大众面前 -让我… -And in front of them. -Let me--
该死，乔雅，让我当男子汉。 Goddamn it, Georgia, let me be a man.
-不会吧。 -特写，二号机特写。 -No! -Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
观众不会想看这个的 America doesn't want to see this.
朋友，这就是挖出来的真相。 And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.
准备进广告 Get ready to roll to break. Ready to roll--
你真是个男子汉，他是男子汉，麦克。 Oh, you are a man. He is a man. Break.
进广告 Cut to commercial!
-快进广告！ -真是太赞了！很赞吧！ -Cut to commercial! -That was great! Wasn't that great?
我就说那家伙很行的 I told you that guy was great.
干得好，各位。 Good job, everybody.
艾比？ Abby?
找到了 Found her.
一千一百四十三通电话 One-thousand, one hundred and forty-three calls...
超过三百封电子邮件，其中百分之五十三是女性。 Over 300 e-mails, 53 percent of them were women.
这家伙是炸子鸡 This guy's a lightning rod.
观众喜欢他? They liked him?
他们爱死他了，百分之九十三都说赞。 Liked him? They loved him. Ninety-three percent positive.
怎么可能？ How is that possible?
不知 Well, I don't know.
不过我要缩短新闻时间挪来播《真相挖挖哇》 But I am scaling back the news and giving it to The Ugly Truth.
史都华，我认为这是不对的。我们对这家伙到底认识多少? Stuart, I really think this is a mistake. What do we even know about this guy?
他到底是谁? Who is he, really?
他十岁移居本地 Moved here when he was 10...
两届少棒冠军赛投手，好可爱。 pitched two consecutive Little League Championships. Cute.
高中纪念册获选为爆衰男 'Most Likely to Get Slapped' in his senior yearbook.
在圣荷西大学念了三年多，森医疗用品04年最佳业务员。 Three years San Jose State. Salesman of the Year at Dobson Medical in '04.
曾因在疾驶车辆上向外尿尿被捕，这招还真厉害。 Once arrested for urinating out of a moving vehicle. That is actually challenging.
那还用说 Tell me about it.
没结过婚，讨厌芦笋。 Never married, hates asparagus.
我们继续让这家伙高兴 Look, let's just keep a smile on this guy's face
公司就会跟我们续约 And we'll both get our contracts renewed.
恭喜? Congratulations?
麦克，我是萝纶，我周六办轰趴。 Mike. Hi, it's Lauren. I'm having a party on Saturday.
你很清楚我喝了酒会怎样 And you know what happens when I drink tequila.
是我，妮基。你怎么都没打给我？我好想你。 It's me, Nikki. Why haven't you called me? I miss you.
-我忍不住想起你那庞然巨物… -嘿… -I can't stop thinking about your huge-- -Hey.
-那是谁啊？ -摩擦我全身 -Who's that? -Rubbing all over my--
-又湿又黏 -学校… -Dripping wet-- -How was--?
学校好吗? How was school?
你完全骗倒我了 Well, you totally hosed me.
什么? What?
上周你在节目上说“对辣妹一定要凶她们才会哈你” Last week on your show, you said, 'Always be mean to hot girls because they'll want you more.'
我对萧娜试了这招 Well, I tried it on Shauna.
她哭了，接着我就被罚课后留校。 She cried, and then I got detention.
首先，不要听我在节目上说的话。 First of all, don't listen to what I say on my show.
其次，这招对25岁的妹才有用。 Second of all, you're supposed to do that to 25-year-old girls.
尤其是自认性感又吸引男人的妹 Who think they're hot and can get any guy they want.
不是14岁的妹 Not 1 4-year-old girls.
她们正值青春期 They're going through puberty.
麻烦已经够多了 They got enough problems.
妈说她14岁时是全班最美的 Mom said when she was 14, she was the prettiest girl in class.
她14岁时我在场。我告诉你吧，她说谎。 Well, I was there when she was 14, and let me tell you something. She lied.
别听你麦克叔叔的 Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
他那时满脑子只想自己摸自己 He was blind from touching himself inappropriately.
你对儿子还真坦白啊 That's a nice thing to tell your son.
他在你节目上听到的更精彩吧 Like he hasn't heard worse on your show.
希望你在大电视台有收歛一点 Let's hope you can clean it up now that you're on a network.
恭喜你! Congrats.
达太安，不行！不可以！ D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.
你给我回来，快回来。 No, D'Artagnan, you get back here. Get back here.
不要！不…… No, do not-- No, no, no.
达太安 D'Artagnan.
妈啦! Shit.
好吧 All right.
我上去 I'll just come up.
我身手没那么好，达太安。我来了。 I'm really not that flexible, D'Artagnan. I'm coming.
我会救你，等等。 l got you, hold on.
等等，过来，宝贝。 Hold on. Come here, baby.
不，过来，达太安。 No, no. No, no. Come on. Come here, D'Artagnan.
乖猫咪，好孩子，好了。 Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.
好了，你不会有事的。 Okay. You're gonna be okay.
希望我们下得去 l hope we can get down.
哇塞 Oh, my.
哇哇塞 My, my.
他用牙线耶 He flosses.
天哪！我的天哪！ Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
快来人帮帮我,救命! Somebody help me! Somebody help me!
我卡在树上了! I'm stuck in a tree!
救命! 来人啊! Help me! Anybody!
我卡在树上 I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
别紧张 Stay, stay calm.
-你不会有事的 -放我下来！我下不去！ -You're gonna be fine. -Get me down! Get me down!
对不起，我的老天！ Sorry. Oh, my God.
你刚搬来啊，太好了！ So you just moved in. That's great.
我是艾比 I'm Abby, by the way.
是你对面的邻居 Your neighbor from across the way.
原来你是医生 So you're a doctor?
整形外科医师 An orthopedic surgeon.
是啊，我常修整腿和臀的伤口，不过我偶尔也医脚。 Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff, but I do get the occasional foot.
你脚踝只是扭伤，这应该有用。 Your ankle seems to be fine. Just a mild sprain, this should help.
太好了，谢谢你。 Great. Thank you.
看来我的猫选你窗外的树来爬算我走运罗 l guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose the tree outside your window to climb.
你有任何需要随时找我 I'm here whenever you need me.
我把我家电话写在名片背面 I'm gonna put my home number on the back of my business card.
要是你脚踝有问题，就打给我。 If your ankle starts giving you any problems, just give me a call.
太好了，谢谢。 Great. Thanks.
真是怪了，它平常不喜欢男人的。 Oh, wow, that's so weird. He doesn't usually like men.
你知道，狗是不错啦，不过我更爱猫。 Well, you know, dogs are great, but I'm a cat person.
好耶 Yeah.
我想我该走了 Well, I guess I'll get going, then.
好 Yeah.
-再度感谢你救了我一命 -不用客气 -Thanks again for saving my life. -Anytime.
-好，掰。 -好，掰。 -Okay. Bye. -Okay. Bye.
-你忘了你的猫 -是哦 -You forgot your cat. -Right.
刚刚有蜘蛛掉我身上 I had a spider on me.
现在没了 It's gone now, though. Good.
-好 -掰 -Bye. -Okay.
-再次感谢你 -晚安 -Thanks again. -Good night.
KSXP摄影棚 请出示证件
你不会相信他有多完美 You are not gonna believe how perfect he is.
身材比例？ Symmetrical?
超完美的 Oh, you have no idea.
老天爷 Oh, good Lord.
怎么结束的？他有跟你要电话？ How did you leave it? He ask for your number?
没，不过他给了我他的，怎样？我该打给他吗？ No, but he gave me his. Should I call him?
打去要说什么？ If I call do call him, what should I say?
好，冷静下来。 Okay. Take a breath.
-还有拜托，别提自来水的事。 -不提自来水。 -And please, sweetheart, no tap water. -No tap water.
谈都别谈 Don't bring it up.
你眼神好性感 You've got naughty eyes.
-有人说过吗？ -我每一寸都性感 -Anyone ever tell you that? -I have naughty everything.
-先等一下 -不，你不会被骂的 -Hold that thought. -No, hey, you won't get in trouble.
继续啊 Down a bit. Down a bit.
好了 Okay.
掰,凯伦 Bye, Karen.
放干净、少低级、照脚本来。 Keep it clean, moving, stick to the script.
这是直播新闻节目 You are on a live affiliate news program.
你没有权利把“口”和“交”放在同个句子里 You do not have the luxury of using 'blow' and 'job' in the same sentence.
要是你敢说低俗的话，你就完了。 If you say anything scatological, you will be fired.
-当真? -对 -Oh, really? -Yes.
因为我觉得要是你让我不爽的话…… I thought that you were the one that was gonna get fired...
被炒的人会是你 if you don't keep me happy.
对了，我有张需求清单要给你。 Yes. I've got a list of demands that I would like to make after the show.
还有我警告你，我保证内容绝对低俗。 And let me just warn you, they're gonna be scatological.
看在你今天很美丽的份上…… Just because you look pretty today...
我不计较你仇视男人的烂态度 I won't mention the misguided phallic rage you just displayed.
听到我的声音，就照我说的去做。 When you hear my voice, just do what I say.
记得要说下流的话 Promise you'll talk dirty?
早安，沙加缅度，我是费赖瑞。 Good morning, Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.
我是波乔雅 And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
我是查麦克 And I'm Mike Chadway.
这是《真相挖挖哇》 And this is The Ugly Truth.
我们每天都花上几分钟 Where we'll be taking a few minutes every day...
谈谈男人、女人和男女关系 to talk about men, women and relationships.
今天就从男人开始吧 Let's start with men.
男人很简单 Men are simple.
为了说明我的观点，这里有个典型的浪漫场景。 To illustrate my point, here we have a classic romantic setting.
这里有烛光、香槟 We have candlelight, champagne, and even...
甚至还有专属的小提琴手 your own personal violinist.
现在 Now...
这边则是截然不同 over here, we have something quite different.
-我工作单上没这个。 -跟我来。 -This isn't on my list. -Follow me.
这段节目结束了？ ls the segment over?
他要去哪里？ Where the hell's he going?
-跟着他，跟着他。 -跟他走，遥控组。 -Follow him. Follow him. -Go with him, Remote 1.
-嘿！ -美女果冻摔角。 -Hey. -Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
-果冻，真不错啊。 -艾比？ -Oh, Jell-O. That's great. -Hello? Abby?
-有观众打电话狂骂。 -上帝啊。 -People calling and freaking out. -Oh, Jesus.
-坐下！ -把监视器打开。 -Sit down! -Turn the monitor up.
我来快速调查一下，看看男人会选哪一边。 Let's take a quick survey and see which option the men out there would pick.
一个是古典音乐加烛光的晚餐 We have classical music and candle-lit dinner...
一个是近乎全裸的美眉在草莓口味果冻里摔角 ...or semi-naked chicks wrestling in strawberry-flavored goo.
哇靠！ Oh, shit.
好了，既然要这样玩，就玩得彻底一点。 All right. If we're gonna do this, we might as well milk it.
二号机用广角镜，一号拍他的手。 Two, get ready to go wide. One, tight on his hand.
舔她手上的果冻 Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
快啊 Just do it.
我错了，这是樱桃果冻。 I was wrong. It's cherry.
镜头转回棚内，乔雅，掰！ Back to you in the studio, Georgia. Bye.
稍后，我们要造访动物园。 Coming up, we're gonna visit the aquarium...
看看团团圆圆在干嘛 and see how Penny the Porpoise is.
它们会玩摔角吗? Can she clear that 10-foot pole...
稍后继续收看 with a ball on her nose? When we come back.
稍后继续收看 When we come back.
我闻到3P的味道 Chemistry. I smell threesome.
干得好，你们让我允指回味。 Great job, ladies. I can still taste you.
你们懂我的意思 You know what I mean.
你知不知道 Do you realize that I once had...
这节目曾邀请过图图大主教 the Archbishop Desmond Tutu on this show?
他谁啊？ Who's that?
因为你的无知…… I can't demonstrate how far I've fallen.
我甚至无法表达我做了多大让步 You're not smart enough to get the references
等等！我们刚刚不是还合作无间。 Hey, wait. I thought we were a great team back there.
是你叫我舔果冻的 You told me to lick the Jell-O.
你知道我有多恨自己叫你那样吗？ Do you understand how much I hate myseIf for that?
那是低俗的刺激，我现在… It was cheap titillation. I am now going to broadcasting hell...
要从加拿大请那个裸体气象女来报气象了 right behind the naked weathergirl from Canada.
真的？ Seriously?
还有裸体气象女？ There's a naked weathergirl?
可以请她来吗？ Hey, can we get her?
为了收视率，你得牺牲。 You have to do it for the ratings, Abby.
想想我儿子，我儿子一直梦想成为造型大师。 Think of my son. My son, who had a dream of being a cosmetician.
想想他，想想乔伊。 Think about him. Think about Joy.
为了我上吧 Just do it for me.
今天晴时多云，云朵会从我的左胸飘进来。 Today it'll be partly sunny with a cloud cover moving in from my left breast.
低气压上移，冷风即将到来。 Low pressure systems are moving up, so expect a cold front.
早上记得收看查麦克 Watch Mike Chadway on Sacramento A.M...
每天九点给我们《真相挖挖哇》 giving us The Ugly Truth each and every day...
-就在第二频道 -天哪 -at 9:00, right here on Channel 2. -Oh, God.
我以前很爱吃鱼子酱，直到我发现它是鱼卵做成的。 I used to like caviar, until I found out it was made out of fish eggs.
-你知道吗? -鱼子酱很倒胃口 -You know that? -Caviar's revolting.
-我差点呕出来了。 -早,各位 -I almost started to gag. -Morning, ladies.
-约翰 -昨天的收视率 -John. -Yesterday's ratings.
谢了，约翰。 Thanks, John.
我想我该感到高兴，对吧？ Guess I should be happy about this, right?
对，你以前从没拿过百分之十二。 Yeah. Yeah. You've never gotten a 12-share before.
我觉得很罪恶 I feel dirty.
-你听说收视率的事了? -对,我是制片 -Did you hear about the ratings? -Yes, I am the producer.
那你听说高层下周… Then did you hear corporate's coming next week...
请我吃饭没? to take me out to dinner?
希望你会闭着嘴咀嚼食物 Well, let's hope you can chew with your mouth closed.
你为什么这么恨我? Why do you hate my guts?
我讨厌的是你的意识型态 Your innards are of no consequence to me. It's what you represent.
你憎恨真相 Oh, you hate the truth.
你扭曲男女互动的感受，那并不是真相。 Your skewed perception of male-female interaction is not the truth.
而你幻想的男友就是真的? But your imaginary boyfriend's the truth?
讲给你听，我碰巧认识了他。 For your information,I happened to meet him.
希望这次他是真的，不然就太悲哀了。 Well, I hope he's real this time, because otherwise this is just sad.
他是真的,非常真实 Oh, he's real. He's very real.
更别提他英俊又品行端正，他是外科医生。 Not to mention stunningly handsome, morally sound. He's a surgeon.
整型外科 An orthopedic surgeon.
-你知道这意味着什么吗? -什么? -You know what that means. -What?
他的手指一定插过某人的屁屁 Had to stick his finger up some guy's butt in medical school.
你真令人厌恶 You disgust me.
-屁屁男开口约你了没? -还没。 -So did Butt Boy ask you out? -Not yet.
我们喜欢慢慢来，先彼此认识。 We're taking things slow, getting to know each other first.
我干嘛跟你谈这个? Why am I talking to you about this?
也就是说，他根本没约你。 ln other words, he didn't actually ask you out.
你干嘛? What are you doing?
医师办公室 Doctor's office.
我是李艾比，我找安医师。 Hi. This is Abby Richter calling for Dr. Anderson.
-请稍等。 -好,我等。 -Please hold. -Yes, I'll hold.
你干嘛?干嘛打给这家伙? 不对!应该由他打给你 What are you doing? Why are you calling this guy? No.
-安医生 -柯林,我是艾比 -Dr. Anderson. -Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
昨晚那个邻居 Your neighbor from last night.
你没事吧? Hey. Everything okay?
你的脚踝还好吗? How's the ankle treating you?
好得很 Couldn't be better.
我打来是想告诉你，很高兴昨晚认识你。 I was just calling to let you know how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.
谢了 Thanks.
我在想我们改天可以一起吃个饭 And I was thinking we should go out for dinner sometime.
城里有间新的法国餐厅 There is a new French bistro in town...
还有一场颇受好评的艺术展览 and an art opening that got amazing reviews.
我在想我们星期五可以去一趟 So I was thinking we could go on Friday.
星期五,这个嘛… Friday....
-星期六会好一点吗? -艾比… -Would Saturday be better? -Actually...
是这样的，我还没安顿好。 Abby, the thing is, l haven't really settled in yet.
-你搞什么鬼? -我在拯救你,他会拒绝你。 -What are you doing? -Saving you. He was blowing you off.
他才没有拒绝我 He wasn't blowing me off!
不要！好吧，他会期待你打给他。 Don't. Okay, he'll be expecting you to call him.
而你没打，他就会打来。 And when you don't, he'll call back.
-你怎么知道? -因为我懂男人 -How do you know? -Because I know how men operate.
你想跟这家伙有所进展 If you want it to work out with this guy, then you'll listen to me...
就要听我的话去做，因为你这通疯狂的电话。 and you'll do exactly as I say. You've done irreparable damage...
也许已经造成无可弥补的伤害 with your psycho-aggressive control-freak phone call.
一切有可能太迟了 It might even be too late.
要是你能挽救整个情势 And if you do salvage the situation, you'll never be more than Abby...
-绝不能再变成他饥渴的邻居艾比。 -我才没有饥渴。 -his desperate neighbor. -I'm not desperate.
怎么?我听起来很饥渴吗? Why? Did you think l sounded desperate?
听听你的口气，饥渴地问我你是不是饥渴。 Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sound desperate.
好吧 Okay.
虽然你不承认，你知道我言之有物。 Although you won't admit it, you know that I know what I'm talking about.
由你来决定 It's your call, dude.
-好吧,我该怎么做? -拿起电话说嗨,道格。 -Fine. What do I do? -Pick up and say, 'Hey, Doug'
-我干嘛说… -照做就是了 -Why would I--? -Just do it.
嗨,道格 Hey, Doug.
不,我是柯林 No. This is Colin.
-天哪,真对不起。 -做得好。 -Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. -That's perfect.
道格是谁? Who's Doug?
-道格是谁? -只是个约会对象 -Who's Doug? -He's just a guy I'm seeing.
没什么啦 It's nothing serious.
只是个约会对象，没什么啦。 Just a guy I'm seeing. It's nothing serious.
好吧 Oh, okay.
-请等一下 -请等一下 -Hang on a second. -Hang on a second.
好 Sure.
-现在呢? -让他等 -Now what? -Now just make him wait.
要是他30秒之后还没挂，你也许就有机会了。 If he's still holding on after 30 more seconds, you may have a chance.
没人会等他想拒绝的对象 No one's gonna wait for somebody they're trying to blow off.
-你最好没弄错 -给点时间 -You better be right. -Give me time...
-我让他变你的小狼狗 -我不要狼狗 -I'm gonna make this guy your bitch. -I don't want a bitch.
柯林也不是狼狗 Colin would never be a bitch.
他是有能力的人 He is a well-rounded man...
既稳重又专情 capable of mature emotions and deep, abiding love.
-都是你欠缺的 -也许吧 -Things which you know not of. -Maybe not.
不过我懂欲望、诱惑和掌控 But I do know about lust, seduction and manipulation.
都是你不懂的 Things that you know not of.
艾比，我跟你谈个交易。 Abby, I'll make you a deal.
若照我说的做，而你跟这家伙成功交往。 If you do exactly as I say, and you get this guy...
你就不能再给我苦头，跟我合作。 then you'll quit giving me shit and work with me.
你知我知，我们可以搞大这节目。 You know as well as I do that we could make this show huge.
要是不成功呢?那我得到什么? And if it doesn't work? What do I get?
那我就辞职 Then I'll quit.
你真这么有自信? You're really that confident?
(诊所)
已经超过三十秒了 It's been more than 30 seconds.
好,成交,现在呢? All right, deal. Now what?
永远要让人记得你 Always make an impression.
走吧，我们还有工作要做。 Let's get a move on. We have work to do.
-那电话怎么… -五秒之内他会回拨，走吧。 -But what about the--? -In five seconds, he'll call. Come on.
你是算命仙吗? What are you, Nostradamus?
真厉害 Amazing.
第一，永远不要批评。 Rule number one: never criticize.
-就算是有建设性的批评? -对 -Even if it's constructive? -Never.
男人不会成长、改变或进步。 Men are incapable of growth, change or progress.
对男人来说，会上厕所就很强了。 For men, self-improvement ends at toilet training.
第二，不管他说什么都要笑。 And rule number two: laugh at whatever he says.
-要是他说的不好笑呢? -那不重要。 -What if what he says isn't funny? -That's irrelevant.
-假笑就像假高潮。 -假高潮好吗? -A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm. -A fake orgasm is good?
不好，不过总比没高潮好。 No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.
-假高潮就是没高潮。 -那是对你而言。 -A fake orgasm is no orgasm. -Only to you.
床上不是只有你一个人，别太自私了。 You're not the only person in the room, you know. Let's not be selfish.
这就很完美了 Now, that was perfect.
-真笑还是假笑? -你永远不会知道 -Real or fake? -You'll never know.
第三，男人是视觉动物。 Rule number three: men are very visual.
-我们要改变你的外表 -我的外表有何不妥? -We have to change your look. -What's wrong with my look?
艾比，你是个美女，不过你很难以亲近。 Abby, you're a very attractive woman, but you are completely inaccessible.
你满脑子都是效率 You're all about comfort and efficiency.
那样有什么错? What's wrong with comfort?
没什么，只是这让人没性趣。 Well, nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.
-需要我帮忙吗? -是的 -Hello. May I be of assistance? -Yes, you may.
我们需要小礼服 We need cocktail dresses...
紧身牛仔裤，还要用胸罩让我朋友的奶子… ...tight jeans and some bras that'll make my friend's breasts...
-挺起来说哈罗 -它们现在没有说哈罗吗? -sit up and say hello. -They're not saying hello now?
-那它们在说什么? -它们垂头丧气的 -What are they saying? -They're giving more of a passing nod...
一点也不起眼 ...rather than an outright greeting.
这样吧,你试试这件 You know what? Why don't you try this on?
-我觉得这件不错 -这才叫奶罩嘛 -I think this would be wonderful. -Now, that is a bra.
奶子在里面就像在说…快把嘴凑上来,我很美味哦 Boobies in this thing say, 'Put me in your mouth, I taste good.'
我现在就穿着这一件呢 I'm actually wearing one right now as we speak.
长度很重要 Length is very important.
要短得看到雪白的大腿，却又不能短到露出妹妹。 We need short enough to see some thigh, but not so short to see vag.
-那样意图就太明显了 -真的? -Vag says you're trying too hard. -You think?
牛仔裤要展现臀部曲线 Jeans are all about the curvature of the ass.
这方面你的本钱还不赖 You've-- Well, you've got the raw materials.
现在你只需要适当的展现 Now all you need is the proper presentation.
-你刚说我臀部很好看? -你都这么迟钝吗? -Did you just tell me I have a nice ass? -Do you have to be so crass?
天哪 Jesus.
第四，绝对不要谈你的问题。 Rule number four: never talk about your problems...
因为男人懒得听也不在乎 because men don't really listen or care.
-有些男人在乎 -不,是有些男人假装在乎 -Some men care. -No, some men pretend to care.
当我们问你好不好,其实是说…… When we ask you how you're doing, it's guy code for:
我的老二想更深入了解你 'Let me stick my dick in your ass.'
我知道你认为柯林不会不过相信我，他是男人。 Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy.
只要他对你有一丝丝兴趣 If he's even remotely into you...
他可能就幻想过，你全身上下的洞至少十次 he's probably thought about your orifices at least 10 times.
我喜欢听你假设，男人都像你一样贱。 I love how you assume all men are as perverse as you are.
我不是假设，我很清楚。 Oh, I don't assume. I know.
等等，我们要再去一个地方。 Wait. We need to make one more stop.
-为什么?我买很多东西了 -你的头发得弄长一点 -Why? I have tons of stuff. -We have to make your hair longer.
男人爱抓的不只是你的屁股 Men like something to grab onto other than your ass.
我头发很好，没什么问题。 My hair is fine. There's nothing wrong.
艾比，马尾意味着你不是操作重机械… Abby, a ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery...
就是负责倒垃圾 or emptying the litter box.
这两样都会让男人硬不起来 Neither of those things inspires an erection.
硬不硬怎么会该我负责? 这不是他的事吗? Why is it my responsibility to inspire an erection? Isn't that his job?
闭嘴啦 Shut up.
怎样? 你觉得呢? Well? What do you think?
-不算坏 -我不想… -Not bad. -I just--
我不想被当成荡妇 l don't wanna be perceived as a bimbo. I mean....
我也不要你变成荡妇 And I don't want you to be a bimbo.
你必须变成两个人——圣女加浪女 You have to be two people: the saint and the sinner.
女大生加钢管妹 The librarian and the stripper.
一方面，你得冷淡的拒人于千里之外。 On the one hand, you have to push the guy away with a cold indifference...
另一方面，你得变成性感火辣的金丝猫。 on the other, you have to be a sexually teasing tornado.
-现在我要教你打情骂俏 -我会打情骂俏 -Now, we have to teach you flirting. -I know how to flirt.
你会? You know how to flirt?
我叫艾比,我爱看托尔斯泰 'Oh, my name's Abby, and I love reading Tolstoy.
我也爱猫,还有种花和野餐 I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics.'
我可不这么想 l don't think so.
帅哥,你有穿内裤吗? Hey, babe, you wearing any underwear?
我不会这样说话,也不会摸臀 You know what? I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.
摸臀有什么不对? What's wrong with a little ass-grabbing?
臀部不就是给人摸的? I mean, what's it there for if for not me to grab it?
女人只是泄欲的工具 You're just a set of orifices and a pair of teetahs.
你的精神有严重的问题 And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.
也许我是个很好的学生 Maybe I'm just a really good student.
-不要再弄了好吗? -弄什么? -Would you stop doing that? -Doing what?
手到处乱摸,在我身上 Running your finger down there. Over me.
怎样?有反应啊? Why? ls it turning you on?
也许吧 Maybe.
怪了,我好像还满喜欢的 It's weird, I think I kind of like it.
是吗? Really?
-傻瓜 -我就知道 -Sucker. -Oh, I knew it.
别倒过来教军师了 Okay, no teaching the teacher. Come on.
-谁啊? -我是柯林 -Who is it? -It's Colin.
我还没准备好,我准备好了? I'm not ready for this. Am I ready?
-我还没准备好,我没办法 -冷静,冷静 -I'm not ready for this. -Calm down.
好,短短讲几句话就好,快去。 Okay. Keep the conversation under a minute. Now go.
-几句话?几句话,天哪。 -对 -Under a minute? Under a minute. -Yes.
不,等等…过来 No, wait, wait, wait. Come here, come here.
你这个卑鄙小人 You're such an asshole.
-嗨 -嘿 -Hi. -Hey.
-你好美 -谢谢 -Wow, you look great. -Oh, thanks.
我只是正在洗碗 Yeah, I was just doing the dishes.
-你今天怎么了? -什么意思? -What happened to you today? -What do you mean?
你让我在线上等，还音讯全无。 You put me on hold and never called back.
-天哪,那是你啊 -对啊 -Oh, my God. Was that you? -Yeah.
-真对不起 -没关系 -I'm so sorry. -It's okay.
柯林,你可以待会儿再打给我吗? Would you mind actually giving me a call a little later?
我很忙，我得回去洗碗。 I'm busy. Gotta get back to those dishes.
-艾比，等等。 -现在呢? -Abby, wait. -What now?
这样很好，就折磨他。 No, that's good. Now make him suffer.
让他痛苦,受苦吧! Make him suffer. Suffer.
艾比,我在想你愿不愿意… Abby, I was wondering if you'd like to go...
周六一起去看球赛? to the Devils game with me on Saturday.
加油 Go, Comets.
他要打击了 He delivers it.
好，我看得见你。听见请点头。 Okay, I have a visual. Nod if you can hear me.
放轻松，一切会很顺利的。 Just relax. It's gonna be fine.
我叫你做什么就照做,好吗? Now, do exactly what I tell you, and when I tell you to do it. Okay?
-你常看棒球吗? -含糊的回答他 -You follow baseball? -Do something noncommittal.
你还好吧? You okay?
我很好 I'm fine.
那样是有点超过,不过干得好 That was a little over the top, but nice try.
-谢了 -谢什么? -Well, thanks. -For what?
谢谢你…成为你 Well, thanks for being you.
不用客气 You're welcome.
抱歉 Excuse me.
天哪,你是查麦克 Oh, my God. You're Mike Chadway.
我爱死你了 I love you.
-兄弟,你搞什么? -兄弟,搞什么啊? -Hey, buddy, what the hell? -Dude, what the fuck?
-兄弟,搞什么啊? -什么? -Dude, what the fuck? -What?
不…我不是跟你说话 No, no, no. I'm not talking to you.
-我不是跟你说话 -我做错什么事了吗? -I'm not talking to you. -Okay, did I do something wrong?
不,听着，跟他说你看到他在看别的妹。 No, stop. Listen. Tell him you saw him looking at another girl.
我看到你在看别的妹 I saw you--I saw you looking at another girl.
-谁? -那个,就在那里 -Who? -That girl, right there.
我只是想帮我们买热狗吃 l was trying to get us a couple hot dogs.
-两份,谢谢。 -好吧 -Two. Thank you. -Okay.
好,我们得赶快恢复状况 Okay, we need a quick recovery.
记得要优雅缓慢的把热狗放嘴里 Make sure you put the hot dog in your mouth nice and slowly.
男人喜欢看，美眉把形状像老二的食物塞进嘴里。 Men like watching penis-shaped food go into a girl's mouth.
对不起 I'm so sorry.
-天啊,真对不起。 -没关系,真的 -Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry. -No, it's okay.
我能把这清干净,我行的。 You know, I can get this out. I'm sure I can.
-这是什么布料? -我不知道,棉的吧 -What fabric is this? -I don't know. Cotton?
棉,棉是最糟的了。其实皮革才是最糟的。 Cotton. Cotton's the worst. Well, actually, leather's the worst.
-其次是麂皮 -好 -After that would be suede. -Okay.
-我认为我可以把它弄干 -艾比 -I think I can get it out. -Abby.
等等，就快了。 Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!
-哪里? -那里,在那里。 -Where? -There. Right there.
艾比…你最好抬头看看 Abby? Abby, you might want to look up.
(亲亲摄影机)
干得好，艾比。 Way to go, Abby.
我看到你了,我已经就位。 Okay, I got you. I'm in position.
-今天还真是精彩 -你真好心 -Can't say today was boring. -You're being nice.
-我让你丢脸了 -不 -I embarrassed you. -No.
只是我没遇过你这种女人 You're just not what I'm used to.
-我知道。 -不,其实,这真的很不错。 -I know. -No, actually, it's a good thing.
通常我花五秒就能猜透女人心 I'm used to women I can figure out in five seconds.
可是我却猜不透你 But I can't do that with you.
他是笨蛋，我两秒就看穿你了。 He's an idiot. I figured you out in two.
跟他道晚安，再挤一下奶子。 Now, tell him good night and stick your tits out.
-我们给这家伙最后一击。 -那么，晚安了。 -We're gonna give this one last shot. -Well, good night then.
这一吻让我胯下湿得很值得 That definitely made up for my wet crotch.
我也是。不是，我胯下并没有… Me too. No, scratch that. I didn't have one.
对 Yeah.
-回头见了 -是啊 -I'll see you later. -Yeah.
-好 -掰 -Okay. -Bye.
晚安 Bye.
-晚安 -晚安 -Night. -Night.
你成功了! 你成功了! You did it! You did it! You did it!
-我啥都没做。 -你有! -I didn't do anything. -You did!
-是你! -不 -It was you. -No.
别问我为什么，我想他喜欢你。 I mean, don't ask me why, but I think he likes you.
-他很棒吧? -是啊,他超梦幻的 -He's such a great guy, right? -Yeah, he's dreamy.
他还完全符合我的十项择偶条件 Yeah. And he fits all 10 of the criteria on my checklist.
是哦，我记得前九项。 Though weren't items one through nine...
很像同志恋人才会有的特质 something to do with him pretty much being gay?
我不会理你,因为我心情很好 I'm gonna ignore that, because I am in such a good mood.
我听到了，胯下湿答答。 Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
在灵长类之中，黑猩猩…… Of all the primates, bonobo monkeys...
与人类最相似 are the closest relatives to human beings...
不论基因或社交行为都是 both genetically and socially.
特别是性 Especially when it comes to sex.
他们用性来结束争执 They use sex as a way to end an argument.
这也是我最爱用的一招 One of my favorite techniques as well.
事实上，当它们找到新食物…… In fact, when they come upon a new food source...
它们会搞一下来缓和紧张气氛 they have a gangbang in order to decrease tension.
-现场有小孩 -谢谢 -Small person on-set. -Thanks.
我认为我们人类也该仿效此举 Which is something we humans should look into.
不…这节目不适合孩子 No, no, no. This is not for children.
没关系，我认识他。 It's okay. I know him.
-是吗? -对 -You do? -Yeah.
整天坐在那里指挥她们的男人 Sit on their asses all day and boss their men around.
在我看来是演化的一大差异 Sounds like a great argument for evolution if you ask me.
朋友,这就是挖出来真相 And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.
进广告 And we're wrapped.
-干得好，麦克。 -谢谢，回头见了。 -Great job, Mike. -Thank you. See you guys later.
我裤裆里有只公猩猩在蠢动 Yeah, I've got an aduIt male bonobo monkey in my pants.
放出来让我瞧瞧吧 I'd like to see that.
你来这干嘛? Hey. What are you doing here?
我说过别看我节目，尤其是现场。 I told you no watching the show, especially live.
我需要紧急谘商 l need some emergency advice.
麦崔西邀我参加舞会 Tracy Mclvor asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
要是我答应会不会很蠢? Is it dorky if I say yes?
蠢？ Dorky?
才不会，开玩笑。 Hell, no. Are you kidding?
你比大家强，还有妹倒追你。 You're ahead of the game.omen are coming to you.
你知道这有多帅吗? You know how cool that is?
好好品尝这一刻吧 Relish this moment, okay?
现在快离开这里,我们五点见。 Now get the hell out of here. I'll see you at 5.
-好 -一起庆祝 -Okay. -We'll celebrate.
-别忘了买披萨,金刚。 -我有忘记过吗? -Don't forget the pizza, King Kong. -Hey, have I ever?
他跟你一起住? He lives with you?
住隔壁,跟我妹一起。 Well, next door, with my sister.
他是我外甥 He's my nephew.
-可爱的孩子 -对 -Cute kid. -Yeah.
来，帮我脱。 Here, do me.
-你猜怎么着? -怎么? -Okay. So guess what. -What?
柯林打来，他想再约我。 Colin called, he wants to get together again.
天哪 Oh, Lord.
我该等多久才能跟他嘿咻? So how long should I wait to have sex with him?
你越钓他胃口…… Well, the more you make him beg for it...
就越能让他离不开你 the more you're gonna keep him on the hook.
所以除了嘿咻之外…… So do everything else but.
玩什么都行 But then show him...
话又说回来了，让他看看在控制狂的外表下…… that beneath that control-freak exterior of yours...
有个性变态等着被解放 that there's a sexual deviant waiting to be unleashed.
才不呢，我不是性变态。 No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
说的好 Good point.
我猜你吃素吃了一阵子，一年? I'm guessing you've been out of practice for what, a year?
不到 No.
-十一个月。 -妈呀! -Eleven months. -God.
十一个月，你怎么活下来的?拜托。 Eleven months. How do you live? Come on.
那你有多常… So how often do you...?
多常怎样? Do I what?
-多常怎样? -你知道的 -Do I what? -You know...
-摸蛤仔。-摸什么蛤仔? -...flick the bean? -What bean?
你的蛤仔啊，就在下面。 Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
真恶心，你是怎么回事？ Gross! That's what you call it? What is wrong with you?
其实我都称之为自慰 No, well, actually, I call it masturbating...
不过我觉得那会伤你纤细的自尊 but I thought that might offend your delicate ladylike sensibilities.
-所以你多常自摸一次？ -我不知道。 -So how often do you flick it? -I don't know.
你又有多常自摸? How often do you flick it?
你之所以问我是因为…… You're only asking me that so you can picture me flicking mine...
-你自摸的时候可以想像我自摸 -不 -...while you flick yours. -No.
我才不会在那时候想你 l would never picture you while I do that, which is not something I do.
-我不做这种事,从来不做。 -你会。 -I don't do that, not ever. -Yes, you would.
-不会。 -从来不会? -No. No. No. -Never?
我觉得那很没人性 l find it impersonal.
艾比，摸自己蛤仔是最有人性的。 Abby, what could be more personal than you flicking your bean?
-我不认为自己很性感,好吗? -好吧,我认为你很性感。 -I just don't see myseIf that way, okay? -Okay, well, I do.
过来 Come here.
你最好开始转念 Well, you better start.
要是连你都不想摸自己，柯林怎么会想摸? Because if you don't wanna have sex with you, why the hell would Colin?
这是什么? What is this?
这是什么,小乖? What is this, baby?
什么? 是什么? What? What, baby?
(这是送给你的蛤仔的!麦克)
这是什么? 这是什么,小乖? What is this? What is this, D'Artagnan?
“真震爽” 'Astrea 1 .'
“震动内裤” Vibrating brief.'
(我晚点到，柯林)
好吧 Great.
他说他会晚点到 He said he was running late.
他怎么来了? What is he doing here already?
-很好,你准备好了。 -准备什么? -Good, you're ready. -For what?
与高层的晚宴 The dinner with corporate.
-你没收到通知? -没 -Didn't you get my e-mail? -No.
我也不能去，我跟柯林有约。 And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
你有约会不能去? You can't go because you have a date?
你不知道她有多难销 You have no idea how hard those are for her to get.
那我们半路去接他 Well, then let's pick him up on the way.
-来吧,我们走。 -来啊,走吧。 -Come on, let's go. Right now. -Come on. Come on, let's go.
抱歉拦截了你的约会 Sorry to hijack your date, brother.
没关系,你也是制片? No worries. You're a producer as well?
不是,我是艺人。 No, dude, I'm the talent.
那你是主播罗 So you're an anchor, then?
不是,我负责《真相挖挖哇》 No, I do The Ugly Truth.
-他没看过我们的节目? -拜托 -Hasn't he ever seen our show? -Come on, Stuart.
对柯林来说，我们的节目水准太低了。 Our show's way too low-brow for Colin.
-他是医生 -是啊,他是 -He's a doctor. -Yes, that's right, he is.
他不想听隆乳和口交这类话题 He doesn't wanna hear about things like implants and oral sex.
-你们会谈口交? -我们到了。 -You talk about oral sex? -Oh, look, we're here.
-你邀请了果冻双胞胎? -我觉得这点子挺好的 -You invited the Jell-O twins? -Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.
反正不会有什么损失 Well, it certainly can't hurt.
美眉们,你们真迷人。 Ladies, you look quite fetching.
-大家都到了。 -嘿。 -Hey, hey, the gang's all here. -Hey.
-哈洛、鲍伯,记得艾比吧? -你们好,这位是… -Harold, Bob, you remember Abby. -Hi. And this is--
-我们都认识查麦克。 -这两位可爱的美眉是谁呢? -And we all know Mike Chadway. -And who are these lovely ladies?
看来我们今晚不会谈新闻了 Something tells me we won't be talking about the news tonight.
没错 That's right.
-我们就座吧? -请往这边来 -Our table's waiting. Shall we? -Come this way.
-麦克,你的表现真赞 -我完全同意 -Mike, you're doing a hell of a job. -Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
-那倒是真的。 -真有趣。 -That's a good one, huh? -That is funny.
谢谢 Thank you.
你们找我来是想加我薪水吗? So you guys here to give me a raise or what?
他就是这样,老爱开玩笑。 Oh, that's my guy, always with the jokes.
对 Yeah.
对,没错 Yeah. Right.
不是的,我们很高兴收视率提升。 No, really, we are very excited about this year's rating increases.
我们希望下一季可以… And we're hoping that in the next quarter, we can--
-妈呀! -怎么了? -Oh, God. -What's wrong?
没什么 Nothing. Nothing.
能不能失陪一下。 Could you excuse me?
-靠! -抱歉,她有点… -Shit. -Sorry, she's....
-你在干嘛? -找遥控器 -What are you doing? -I'm looking for the remote.
-什么遥控器? -就是那个… -What remote? -For the--
内裤 The underwear.
什么? 你现在穿在身上? What? You're wearing them now?
-你还好吧? -还好 -Are you okay? -Yeah.
对 Yeah.
这道凉拌海鲜真是好吃 This ceviche, it's so good.
可能是我尝过最美味的了 Quite possibly the best I have ever tasted.
我要找主厨问秘诀,失陪一下。 Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef for the recipe.
艾比,等等。 Abby, hold on.
跟哈洛说说… Tell Harold about the new teaser campaign...
我们下周要上的新预告 we're starting next week. You're gonna love this.
当然,当然,当然 Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
预告有十五秒 Well, they're 15 seconds...
每小时整点播出 every hour, on the hour.
对… Yep. Yep, yep.
这预告真的是 They're so....
很… So....
你跟他们说吧,麦克,你来说 You tell them, Mike. You should tell them. Yes, yes.
对,你说。 Yes, you tell them.
其实我很享受你说的方式，真精彩。 Actually, I was really enjoying the way you were telling them. It was great.
你来说吧 You were-- You were telling them.
凉拌海鲜有加什么料? What's in ceviche?
预告… They're--
突破以往尺度,大突破。 They're unlike anything you have ever felt.
很棒 Amazing.
内容是… And they're of--
麦克谈情场杀戮惨状 Of Mike telling an ugly truth...
内容… and they are just so--
创新大胆 So cutting-edge.
太棒了! So-- So fantastic. So fantastic!
天哪，真的太…太赞了！ Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
老天,你会爱死的 Oh, God. Yeah! You're gonna love them.
她还真是充满热忱,对吧? Well, gotta love her enthusiasm, right?
我要去一下化妆间 I'm gonna use the restroom, if you'll excuse me.
歹势,那是我的玩具。 Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
你一开始就知道在他手上? Did you know he had it the whole time?
不是一开始,是后来才知道 Not the whole time, just part of the time.
-我觉得该让你有全套享受 -真体贴 -I figured I should let you finish. -How kind.
感谢你带来今晚的高潮 So thanks for coming tonight. To dinner.
我是指…高潮迭起的演说 That kind of coming.
对了,他喜欢你，柯林。 He likes you, by the way. Colin.
-我看得出来 -真的? -I can tell. -Really?
-准备好了? -好了 -We ready to go? -Yeah.
-我知道艾比已经暖好身了 -太好了 -I know Abby is. -Great.
走吧 Let's go.
-保重,谢了。 -好的。 -Take care. Thanks. -Okay.
-一切都很顺利 -当然 -Well, that went well, I think. -Sure did.
-对 -我们去喝一杯吧 -Yeah. -Let's get a drink.
鲍伯和哈洛… Bob and Harold....
-我的老天,给我的? -天哪,柯林送花给我 -Oh, my God. For me? -Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!
你找到她再三方通话讨论 Okay. Just conference me when you get a hold of her.
好,掰。好了,热气球节就快到了。 Okay, bye. All right, so we have the balloon festival coming up...
我觉得可以弄一段 and for sweeps, it might be nice to do a segment...
男人脑袋跟热气球一样空空如也 on how men are full of hot air.
-好吧?不错吧? -不好 -Right? It's good, right? -No.
我们还是该在现场拍点什么 We should do some stuff on location...
因为你很擅长跟群众互动 because you're great when you're interacting with people.
抱歉,你说我很擅长? I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?
是啊,算吧 Yeah, you kind of are.
你也一样 Back at you, babe.
告诉我 So tell me this.
纽约的大电视台怎么没来挖你? Why hasn't some fancy New York show stolen you away?
我比较喜欢沙加缅度 Oh, I much prefer Sacramento to New York.
你是喜欢在小池子里当大鱼吧? Come on. You just like being a big fish in a little pond.
不是 No. No.
沙加缅度也不是小池子,这里比较像湖泊或河口. And Sacramento isn't really a pond, it's more of a lake, or even an estuary.
这里也是成家的好地方 And it's a great place to raise a family.
有很优的教育体系 Really good school system.
公园干净,维护良好又安全 The parks are clean and well-maintained and safe.
这里的离婚率也比纽约低很多 And there's a much lower divorce rate here than there is in New York.
是啊 Yes, well....
感谢上天柯林不会喜欢那种女人 Thank God Colin would never be into a woman like that.
对哦,我忘了,柯林水准很高 Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes women of quality, huh?
那是值得赞赏的特质,淫虫 That's a trait to be admired, not mocked, man-whore.
淫虫?为什么我是淫虫? Man-whore? Why am I a man-whore?
我看过你跟果冻双胞胎一起 I've seen you with the Funbag Twins, remember?
看到我怎样? Saw me what?
看到我介绍她们给电台高层? What, you saw me introduce them to some network executives?
她们想当演员，我凭什么扼杀她们的梦想? They wanna be actresses, baby. I mean, who am I to kill their dream?
真好心,你是说你没睡过她们? Such a generous man. You're telling me you've never slept with them?
-没有,我没那么说。 -所以啦 -Well, no, I didn't say that. -That's my point.
男人或者该说是淫虫 Men, or man-whores...
喜欢穿得少又爱吹老二的女人 prefer women in slutty clothes who suck lots of cock.
每个男人都喜欢 Every man wants that.
而且告诉你，那双胞胎之中我只上了识字的那个。 And for your information, I only slept with the one who could read.
等一下,你刚刚说“老二”? Wait a second, did you just say 'cock'?
对,我说了。 Yes. Yes, I did.
我可以说“老二”这字眼又不属于你。 l can say 'cock.' You don't own the word. Cock.
老二、老二、老二 Cock, cock, cock.
好吧,我懂了 Okay, I got it.
一周前你还受不了按摩棒的想法 A week ago, you were crying at the thought of a vibrator.
现在却满嘴“老二”这“老二”那的 Now you're 'cock this, cock that,' cock, cock, cock.
-你跟柯林睡过了,对吧? -没有,没有。 -You slept with Colin, didn't you? -No. No.
没有,我们要等到这个周末 We didn't. We're saving that for this weekend.
他要带我去太浩湖度假 He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
这样啊… Well...
敬彻底翻盘的假设 here's to overturning assumptions, huh?
我是个品味偏颇的男人，而你是说话下流的浪荡女。 I'm really a man of discriminating taste and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
谢谢 Thank you.
结论就是 So there you have it.
或是假设她是贞洁圣女 Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude.
两者之间有许多层面 There are many layers in between.
男人有责任揭开层层面纱 And it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers...
确认你要搞定的是什么菜 and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.
听来挺有启发性的 That sounded almost enlightened.
因为一旦你拨开层层外衣 Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends...
-她草丛里的花蕾正等着你 -他恢复正常了 -her lady garden awaits. -And he's back.
我相信你会想替她洒点肥料 And I'm pretty sure you're gonna wanna fertilize that patch of petunias.
谢了,麦克 Well, thanks, Mike.
稍后气象主播将告诉我们… Coming up after this message, Javier tells us if your petunias...
小花蕾这周末是否有雨水滋润 are gonna see any rainfall this weekend.
希望我的会有 I sure hope mine do.
我想回家,不过我们先看脚本吧 I wanna go home, but let's go over the script.
是啊,快点搞定它吧。 Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
-你的花蕾令我兴奋,我要看它。 -老公,想入我的花丛吗? -I'm turned on with the layers. -Want to see these layers?
-他在这里 -你好 -There he is. -Hey, what's up?
好消息,你不会信的。 Good news. You're not gonna believe this.
-什么? -我帮你安排上《深夜夜现场》 -What? -I got you on The Late Late Show...
葛瑞格佛格森想请你当来宾 with Craig Ferguson. They want you as his guest.
-《深夜夜现场》邀我上节目? -对 -Ferguson wants me on his show? -Yeah.
-不会吧。 -我没有骗你。 -You're shitting me. -I am not shitting you.
-好耶! -我们成功了! -Oh, yeah. -We made it.
帅啊! Yes!
嗨,你是谁? Hi. Who are you?
这是瑞克 Oh, this is Rick.
-他的经纪人 -对 -I'm his agent. -Yeah.
你什么时候有经纪人了？又是什么时候…… Since when do you have an agent? And since when is it okay...
未经制片的许可竟然可以去上《深夜现场》? to book Late Night without the producer's approval?
是《深夜夜现场》，两个夜。 Actually, it's Late Late. It's two 'lates.'
从他成为晨间电视当红名人开始 And since he became the hottest personality on morning TV.
-你看过这家伙的收视率吗? -有,我看过。 -Have you seen this guy's ratings? -Yes. Yes, I have.
总之你今晚上路，我安排好了。 Yeah, okay. Anyways, you leave tonight.
-好 -都搞定了 -Okay. -It's all set.
-这很酷吧? -我们走吧 -How cool is this? -Come on, let's go.
我的妈呀! Oh, my God!
乔伊说你想见我? Joy said you wanted to see me?
我刚得知哥伦比亚电视旧金山台 l found out that Mike's being offered a job...
用两倍薪水挖麦克跳槽 at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco at twice the pay.
上《深夜夜现场》就是试镜 Craig Ferguson is his audition.
-不会吧 -正是 -You can't be serious. -Oh, I'm serious.
鲍伯和哈洛若得知此事，我们就死定了。 If Bob and Harold find out about this, we're dead.
我要你飞过去跟他谈 Now, I need you to fly out there and talk him out of it.
我这个周末要去太浩湖 I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend.
在他上场前，别让他知道你知情。 Don't let him know that you know.
让他去上节目，帮我们打知名度。 Go ahead and let him do the show, get us our publicity...
之后再说服他签下三年合约 and then convince him that he needs to sign on with us...
我们只能这么做了 for the next three years. That's all we can do.
(世纪广场)
我快到了,我要先设法拦截他 Stuart, I'm pulling up. I'm gonna try to catch him.
好,我再打给你 Okay. I'll call you back.
谢谢 Thank you.
你好,屌男孩 Hello, little stupid penis face.
要不是我,你还默默无名呢 You'd be on cable access if it weren't for me.
-听说你想跳槽到哥伦比亚 -你还好吧,小姐? -Here you wanna move to CBS. -ls everything okay, miss?
没事,我只是在练习讲稿。 Yes, I'm just--I'm practicing my speech.
艾比?你在这里干嘛?我以为你去太浩湖了。 Abby? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Tahoe.
你就是离不开我,对吧? You couldn't spend a day without me.
是啊,我渴求你的智慧和魅力。 Yes. I just can't get enough of your sparkling wit and charm.
而且老大认为你需要制片，比我需要上床还重要。 Stuart thought you needed a producer more than I needed to get laid.
我要登记住房,五分钟后出发。 Come on, I gotta check in. We leave in five minutes.
-五分钟,滴答、滴答。 -是,亲爱的。 -Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock. -Yes, dear.
我们先讨论受访问题吧 Okay, so let's go over the pre-interview questions.
抱歉害你没办法跟小柯林一起共度周末 I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time with little Colin this weekend.
我说小柯林,不是说他尺寸小 And by 'little,' I don't mean undersized...
虽然我强力怀疑就是那样 although I highly suspect that's the case.
柯林的尺寸,你现在想谈这个? Colin's penis. That's what you wanna talk about right now?
因为我想也许我们该谈谈 Because I thought we should talk about...
你上节目要说什么 what you're gonna say on the show.
对,好吧 Yeah. Okay.
《真相挖挖哇》是怎么开始的? So tell me, Mike, how did The Ugly Truth start?
亲爱的主持人 Well, Mr. lrish Craig Ferguson...
我以前是业务员 I had a sales job...
常开车趴趴走收听谈话节目 where I was driving around a lot, listening to talk radio.
那时我开始打电话，后来我发现我比别人都聪明。 I started calling in, and then I realized I'm smarter than everybody else.
问问我的制片艾比就知道了 Just ask my producer, Abby.
在她性生活还算满意时，她认为我是天才。 She thinks I'm a genius on days when she's not sexually frustrated.
对,你的智慧丰富了大家的人生。 Yes, thousands of lives have been enriched by your wisdom.
拜托,你是因为我才有了男朋友。 Excuse me, lady, but you have a boyfriend right now because of me.
开始也许是,后来是因为我 It may have started because of you, but it's lasted because of me.
好啊,你又变回那个控制狂了。 You're acting like your normal control-freak psycho seIf again.
我不是控制狂 I am not a control freak.
你登记住房时有没有坚持… When you checked into the hotel, did you or did you not insist...
要住七楼以上朝东的房间? on getting an eastern-facing room on a floor not below 7?
我喜欢起床看日出 I like rising with the sun, and a view.
重点是柯林喜欢麦克改造的艾比 My point is, that Colin likes the Mike version of Abby...
不是原版的艾比 not the Abby version of Abby.
所以你别得了便宜还卖乖 So don't go knocking my words of wisdom...
少批评我的建议 when you're living proof that they work.
我本来可以享受春宵的 l could be having sex right now.
请往这边来 Right this way, please.
兄弟,这太赞了，你即将站上全国性的电视台。 Dude, this is awesome. You are about to go on national television.
这对我没啥帮助 Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
表现出平常的你就好 Just, you know, do what you always do.
-我平常都怎样? -我不知道 -What do I always do? -You-- I don't know, you....
你用你的蠢主意娱乐数百万人 You entertain people with your moronic ideas...
他们也爱死你了 and they love you for it.
这是你对我说过最中听的话 That may be the nicest thing you said to me.
-不用客气 -接着… -You're welcome. -Next up...
来现场挖男女真相的 here to tell us the ugly truth about men and women...
就是查麦克,大家欢迎 is Mike Chadway, everybody. Mike Chadway.
麦克…! Mike, Mike, Mike.
请上台来 Come on up.
各位,你们好 Hey, how are you, folks?
好,欢迎,麦克 All right, Mike, welcome.
听着,男人,我们男人。我想我可以说我们男人。 Now, listen. Men, we men, I think I can say 'we men.'
不分尺寸大小,全体男人 Not necessarily 'wee' men, but men of all sizes--
-我懂、我懂。 -我们一向不擅长… -No, I get it. I get it. -We're not known for our expertise...
搞感情 in matters of the heart.
不过听说你有好玩的想法和理论 But I hear you have some very interesting ideas and theories.
对于那些渴望爱情的好人 What advice would you give to the people out there...
-你有何忠告? -我的忠告就是… -that are looking for love? -My advice would be:
别谈恋爱 Don't do it.
享受情欲就好，这样比较简单,麻烦也少。 I mean, try to find lust instead. It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.
肾亏,进补就好。心碎,就很难医了。 Blue balls, they only last a few hours, but a broken heart, that can last years.
天哪,说吧,她是谁? Goodness me. Tell me, then. What's her name?
谁? Who?
让你心碎的美眉,她一定很赞。 The woman that screwed you up. She must have been a doozy.
就像我说的，浪女胜过美女。 Well, like I said, better a floozy than a doozy.
我找一位李艾比 Hi. I was looking for an Abby Richter.
-搞定他没?他是我们的了? -我正在努力 -Did you get him? Is he ours? -I'm working on it.
我要挂了 I gotta go.
-瑞克人呢? -我叫他回家 -Where's Rick? -I sent him home.
也许我们俩可以庆祝一下。给我来一点。 I thought you and I could celebrate on our own. Give me some of that.
我们到底要庆祝什么? And what exactly are we celebrating?
《深夜夜现场》啊,我上了这节目 Hello? Craig Ferguson? I was just on it.
也许你看到了 I mean, maybe you saw it?
我听说哥伦比亚的价码了 I heard about the offer from CBS.
那么也许你也听说我拒绝了 Well, then maybe you heard I turned it down.
真的? You did?
为什么? Why?
我外甥,琼纳 Jonah.
他需要我陪着他 You know, he needs me around.
我也许不是模范父亲的榜样 I may not be the best father figure out there...
但他只有我 but I'm the only one he's got.
我不想在旧金山当个半调子 And I don't wanna half-ass it all the way from San Francisco.
我想这是个很好的决定 Well, I think that's a very good decision.
谢谢 Thank you.
我们别谈工作了 Now, can we stop talking about work...
放轻松喝一杯? and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
天哪 God.
谈谈那个美眉吧 Tell me about the doozy.
就是让你心碎的那个 You know, the woman who broke your heart.
你根本是想毁了我的好心情 You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.
我没有，我是对你的过去感兴趣。 No, I'm not. I'm just interested in what makes you you.
就讲给你听吧 Well, for your information...
不只一个 It was more than just one.
可以列队游行了 It was more like a parade.
依赖妹、不忠妹 Codependent girls, unfaithful girls...
忧郁妹、自恋妹、肤浅妹 depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls.
还有根本不爱我的妹 Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me.
到三十岁那年，我发现…… By the time I hit 30, I realized that...
如果不明白没有真爱 you can only have so many lousy relationships...
就只会不断地承受打击 before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.
拜托，你不会真的相信世上没有真爱吧。 You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship.
我完全相信 To my very core.
你好,要来点什么吗? Hello. Can I get you something?
-请给我一杯那个。 -好的。 -I'll have one of those, please. -A mojito. Sure.
-还要别的吗? -一杯水。 -Would you like anything else? -Yeah, some water.
好,要纯水还是气泡水? Okay, would you like still or sparkling?
-自来水就好,谢谢。 -好的 -Tap water's great. Thanks. -Tap. All right.
干嘛? What?
怎样? What?
都一样不是吗? It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
我也这么听说过 So I've been told.
来,跳舞吧 Come on, let's dance.
我是认真的 No, I'm serious.
你不是只会跳抽筋舞吧 I've seen your spazzy dance, now I wanna see the real thing.
-不行,我不会跳那种舞。 -我会,会一点。 -No, really. I can't dance like that. -I can. Well, kind of.
麦克,不要 Oh, Mike, no.
不要啦 No.
我们明天搭早班机,该走了。 We have an early flight tomorrow. We should go.
是啊,我们该走了。 Yeah. We should go.
车子明早八点在楼下等 So the car is gonna pick us up downstairs tomorrow at 8.
-要我叫你起床吗? -我会请饭店叫床。 -Do you want me to call you? -No, I'll get a wake-up call.
-是啊,好主意。 -对。 -Oh, yeah, good idea. -Yeah.
-我今晚过的很愉快。 -我也是。 -I had a really good time tonight. -Me too.
对 Yeah.
-我的楼层到了。 -对。 -My floor. -Yeah.
-明天见 -八点 -See you tomorrow. -Eight o'clock.
八点 Eight o'clock.
-晚安 -晚安 -Good night. -Good night.
-晚安 -是啊,晚安 -Good night. -Yeah, good night.
-真愉快 -对 -A lot of fun. Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah.
我想 I guess--
我想我该走了吧? I guess I should go, huh?
是啊 Yeah.
晚安 Good night.
那是怎么回事? What the hell was that?
我为什么会想再来一次? Why do I wanna do it again?
-想念我吗? -柯林 -Miss me? -Colin.
-你在等别人吗? -没有 -You were expecting someone else? -No.
既然你不能来太浩湖，我就决定来找你。 Since you couldn't come to Lake Tahoe, I decided to come to you.
-你怎么知道我在这里? -乔伊告诉我的 -How did you know I was here? -Joy told me.
我开始在想，我们本来要在那里做的事…… I just started thinking about all the stuff we were going to do there, and I--
-过来 -我等不下去了 Come here.--decided I couldn't wait.
-喝点香槟? -好 -A little champagne? -Yeah.
太好了 Great.
真高兴能来这里 So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
-怎么了? -没什么,你吓了我一跳。 -What's wrong? -Nothing. You just surprised me.
-你说过你很随性 -是啊 -You told me you were spontaneous. -Yes, I did.
我上来的时候带了点东西，你会喜欢的。 Have a little something else on its way up for you. You are going to love it.
天哪,真是的，喷得真快啊。 Let me tell you, it comes out so fast, right?
看来我们很快就会脱光光了 Oh, wow, I guess we have to get naked sooner than I thought.
-我帮你拿毛巾 -好 -I'll get you a towel. -Okay.
艾比,我… Abby, l....
艾比,我真的想再来一次，不只是一夜情。 Abby, I really, really wanna do that again, and not just tonight.
靠! Fuck.
靠、靠… Fuck, fuck, fuck.
勇敢一点,你行的。 Man up, Chadway. Come on, you can do this.
嘿,你不是客房服务 Hey-- Hey. You're not room service.
-你好吗? -嘿 -How you doing, man? -Hey.
真高兴见到你 Hey. Good to see you. l--
我是来跟艾比说班机改了时间 I just came by to tell Abby about the change in our flight time...
不过我可以晚点再来 but I can come by later.
-嗨 -嘿 -Hi. -Hey.
你来这干嘛? What are you doing here?
班机改时间了 Flight's changed.
早上八点 Eight o'clock in the morning.
我告诉过你了? I told you that already?
真长的一天,大日子 I'm so-- Long day, big day.
我走了 Okay, I'll just leave now.
麦克,麦克 Mike. Mike.
等等 Hey, wait.
他是来给我惊喜的 He came to surprise me. I....
-是啊,真方便啊。 -不… -Hey, how convenient. -No, I--
我以为来敲门的人是你 I thought it was you at the door.
我想人都是可替换的对吧? Well, I guess we're all interchangeable.
我把你调教得很好 I taught you well.
也许你还能代我主持 Hey, maybe you could even host the show.
告诉我电梯里发生了什么事 Tell me what happened in the elevator.
我该叫柯林走吗? Should I tell Colin to go?
不 No.
何必现在撤退? No, why pull up anchor now?
你那么努力才让他来到这里 I mean, you worked damn hard to get him here.
就这样?你要说的就这些? And that's it? That's all you have to say?
你要我说什么? What do you want me to say?
挖出来的真相还真残酷,是吗? The truth is ugly, isn't it?
这就是我一直想让你明白的事 That's what I've been trying to tell you.
回头见了 I'll see you.
真对不起 Sorry about that.
不会,真的,没关系 No. Honestly, no worries.
过来 Just come here.
今晚属于我们 Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
敬无数浪漫的夜晚的开始 To the first of many romantic evenings to come.
是啊 Okay.
是啊,柯林,你为什么喜欢我? Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
你美丽、聪明。 You're beautiful. You're smart.
你… You--
从不乱批评 You never criticize.
你从来不想掌控全局 You know what? You never try to control the situation.
我得说,这真令人神清气爽。 And I've gotta say, it's a breath of fresh air...
因为我认得很多女人根本是控制狂 because I know so many women who are total control freaks...
超恐怖的 and it's a nightmare.
-我就爱你不是那样 -可是我是 -I just love that you're not like that. -But I am.
我就是那样 I am just like that.
等等,这话什么意思? Wait, what do you mean?
这应该要先冰过 Well, this should be chilled.
你很清楚 But you know that.
听来很恐怖 And as horrible as it sounds...
在你说话的同时,我都在盘算。 I was editing that speech the entire time you were giving it.
你喂我吃鱼子酱的时候，我感觉超差的。 And the time you fed me caviar, I was in physical pain.
我讨厌被当成小孩喂食 I hate being fed like a toddler.
我就是这样的控制狂 That's how much of a control freak I am.
不过我不能让你知道这些 But I couldn't show you any of that, because...
因为谁会爱这样的女人? who would love someone like that?
没有人 No one.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
你是个好对象,真的 You are a great guy, you really are.
所以我必须告诉你，我不是我自己。 Which is why I have to tell you that I have not been myself.
我们约会的每一刻都不是 Not for one second of the time that we've been dating.
那你是谁? Then who have you been?
某个猪头要我扮的美眉 The girl some idiot told me to be.
早,佛雷 Morning, Freddy.
你对他做了什么? What did you do to him?
我啥都没做,是他自己没搭上飞机 l didn't do anything. He missed the flight all on his own.
他今天早上辞职了 He quit this morning.
哥伦比亚本地分台告诉我，说他们跟他谈妥交易了。 I got a call from the local CBS affiliate saying they'd closed a deal with him.
高层震怒,到底怎么回事? Corporate's having a shit fit. What the hell happened?
他辞职跑去本地对手台? He quit to go to one of our local competitors?
我们不需要查麦克 We don't need Mike Chadway.
半调子的山顶洞人到处都是 Halfwit troglodytes are a dime a dozen.
你最好没说错 You'd better be right.
本周内要找人取代他,否则停播 Because you gotta find me another one or else we're canceled.
我今天之内就能找到 I'll find one by the end of the day.
我是玩笑话啦,各位。 Not really. I'm just -- That's just a joke, everybody.
我竟然让自己对他有感觉 I can't believe I allowed myself to feel for him.
你有足够的感觉跟柯林分手，抱歉。 Well, you feIt enough something to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.
这些是查麦克的替代人选 Okay, here are the Mike Chadway replacements.
-行、不行、行、不行…差太多了 -差太多了,好。 -Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no. -'Fuck no.' All right.
新环境不错吧? So, what do you think of the new set?
我喜欢 I love it.
KSXP保留你节目名称的版权 KS XP retained the copyright to your old segment title...
所以我们改了名称叫 《麦克疯》 so we retitled you: Morning Madness With Mike.
我喜欢 Love it.
-这是小裘,你的新制片。 -嗨 -And this is Joe, your new producer. -Hi.
你知道我最中意你哪一点吗? You know what I like best about you, Joe?
我完全不想跟你嘿咻 Is I don't wanna have sex with you at all.
我真是如释重负 I'm relieved to hear that.
我的脸怎样?太油了? How's my face? ls it too shiny?
哪边好看?右、左、正面。 Which side is better? Right, left, full frontal?
都很帅，能不能再跑一次开场? They're all great. Can we go over your intro one more time?
-“我是马杰克,欢迎收看…” -《真相挖挖哇》 -'I'm Jack Magnum, and this is....' -The Ugly Truth.
好,去掉比枪的手势。 Okay. Let's maybe lose the gun thing.
怎么?这是我的招牌动作。 What? Gun's my signature move.
除非枪枝协会买广告时段 Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month...
否则别比枪了 I say lose the effing gun.
好,倒数五、四、三… All right, we're live in five, four, three....
二、一 Two, one.
-这家伙行吗? -最好是行 -Think this guy's any good? -He better be.
我是马杰克，欢迎收看《真相挖挖哇》。 I'm Jack Magnum, and this is The Ugly Truth.
-和平。 -天哪！怎么会走政治路线? -Peace. -Oh, Jesus. He's going political.
好,我们要问气球驾驶几个问题。 We'll do a couple questions with the balloon pilot...
情侣多常在上面嘿咻,然后结尾。 about how often couples get it on in-flight, and then we're out.
了解 Got it.
-快看,你的接班人上了。 -马杰克。 -Check it out. Your replacement's on. -Jack Magnum.
-我的什么? -还好吗? -My what? -How's it going, Jack?
你的接班人 Your replacement?
你们看节目是想学习怎么把妹 Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks.
我向各位保证你们找对人了 Well, let me assure you, you're in good hands.
你们眼前的人…… You're looking at a guy...
曾经跟超过一百三十七个妹嘿咻过 who personally has had sex with over 137 women.
她们大多神智清楚 Most of them conscious.
-这可好玩了。 -我们在热气球节现场。 -This is beautiful. -Now, we're at the balloon festival...
我本该说男人脑袋跟气球一样空 and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air.
不过我们都知道，女人脑袋才空。 But I think we all know, it's the ladies that are full of crap.
当她说“不”，并不代表她真的不要。 Just because she says no, doesn't mean she means no.
这样的话，我嘿咻记录就只剩九十个了。 If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women--
-好吧。 -搞什么鬼? -Okay. All right. -What the hell?
你有没有… Did she--?
欢迎回来 Welcome back.
看来我们碰上一些技术问题 It looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulty.
是啊，红酒节的现场…… Yeah, when you have a wine festival....
换我来 Okay, I got it.
-嗨。 -播报继续。 -Hi. -We're back.
很抱歉 I'm sorry...
不过马杰克不再主持《真相挖挖哇》节目 but Jack Magnum will no longer be able to do The Ugly Truth.
这没啥大不了的 Which should really come as no surprise...
因为男人都不可靠 because men are completely unreliable.
她在干嘛? What is she doing?
喂？哈洛？是的。我知道，我们正在修理。 Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know. We're fixing it.
就拿查麦克来说吧 Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
他一声不吭的就不干了 He up and quit the show without so much as a word.
你以为你知道男人会怎么做 You think you know what men are gonna do, you think you know...
你以为你知道男人想怎么做 what men want to do.
不过当那一刻来临…… But when it comes down to that moment...
那个需要他们勇往直前采取行动时…… where they actually need to step up and, I don't know, make a move...
他们却龟缩落跑了 they chicken out.
-我受够了。 -你去哪? -I am all over this. -Where are you going?
-就快进现场直播了。 -很赞吧? -We're live in two. -It's going great, isn't it?
我们从小在小说上看到…… The big, strong, brave men that we've all been reading about...
甚至在电影里看到的…… in novels and watching in movies since we were 9 years old...
那些高大强壮威猛的男人？都是假的，根本不存在。 that's a fallacy. They don't exist.
男人既不强壮也不威猛 Men are not strong. Men are not brave.
男人胆小如鼠 Men are afraid.
是节目效果，走麻辣呛声风。 It's all part of the show. It's an Andy Kaufman thing we're doing.
就算他们在饭店电梯里有机会…… Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator...
就算气氛浪漫又有搞头…… and it's totally romantic and full of potential...
男人还是无法面对 men are incapable of copping to it.
因为…为什么? Because why?
男人很脆弱 Men are weak.
让我来告诉你们女人的真面目吧 Let me tell you something about women.
-嘿 -女人让我们相信…… -Hey. -Woman would have us believe...
她们是受害者，说我们喜欢敲碎她们的心。 that they are the victims. That we break their hearts for sport.
-我以为他不干了。 -胡扯。 -I thought he quit. -That's crap.
我就说我们会把他弄回来 See? I told you we'd get him back.
她们说只要真爱，可是却用条件来筛选对象。 They say they want true love, but all they want is a checklist.
他完美吗?他帅吗? 他是不是医生? Is he perfect? ls he handsome? Is he a doctor?
符合条件的男人们…… For you men who fit the criteria...
别傻了，因为她们不是跟你睡。 don't kid yourselves, they're not sleeping with you.
她们是跟精密算计的选择睡 They're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices.
钱比人重要,外表比内在重要。 Money over substance, looks over soul.
家世比人品重要 Polish over principles.
任何行动,不论真实或浪漫 No gesture, no matter how real or romantic...
都比不上符合标准的合格证书 will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
因为男人只会 This coming from a man who's never made a gesture...
采取这个行动 other than this one.
所以电梯里的事不算罗? Oh, so the elevator wasn't a gesture?
电梯里发生的是激情…… The elevator was a moment of passion...
接着很明显地是你不知所措 followed by a moment of panic on your part, apparently.
-不知所措?我去了你房间。 -对,然后你还是落跑了。 -Panic? I came by your room. -Yes, and then you ran away.
那不是不知所措，宝贝。 That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
是不想跟你…… That was an unwillingness to compete...
床上的标准情人比拼 with the walking checklist that was in your bed.
你应该感谢我 You should be thanking me.
还有十秒 We got 10 seconds.
准备升天了? Are we ready to soar up, up and away?
各位,这就是挖出来的真相。 Well, there you have it, folks. That's the ugly truth.
脚踏两条船的女人…… A girl in heat for two guys...
永远都会选条件较好的那个 will choose the one with the better resume.
鬼扯 That is bullsh--
现场结束 And we're out.
天哪，我好恨你，我在直播现场咒骂。 God. I hate you so much, I just swore on live television.
不,你是恨自己太肤浅。 No, you hate yourself for being so shallow.
-升天啰。 -我们要去哪? -Off we go. -Where are we going?
我才不跟你一起去 I'm not going anywhere with you.
-真吓人啊,你想落跑! -我可不建议你这么做 -Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing. -I wouldn't recommend that.
空中摄影机继续拍 Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
你干嘛? 天哪,你是怎么回事? What are you doing? God, what is wrong with you?
他们不知道他们上镜了,对吧? They don't even know they're on the air, do they?
有办法告诉他们吗? Is there any way to tell them they're on the air?
-没有 -他们会爆粗口的 -Nope. -Oh, they're gonna curse. I know it.
有谁想喝香槟? So who wants champagne?
我知道了,我有个好主意 Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
干脆告诉我你跟柯林…… Why don't we pass the time with you telling me...
在洛杉矶的嘿咻高潮，好杀时间。 how much fun you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
我在洛杉矶跟他分手了,猪头 I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass.
左手边可以看到内华达山脉 On our left, you'll see the High Sierras....
-什么? -是啊,这你就有兴趣了。 -What? -Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.
你别以为可以继续那天的事 If you think we're gonna finish what we started...
你的机会已经没了 you're out of your mind. You lost your chance.
拜托,你根本没给过我机会。 Oh, come on.I never had a chance with you.
右边这里,可以看到沙加缅度河…… And to our right here, you'll see the lovely Sacramento River...
在双色的地形中蜿蜒前进 winding its way through the dichromatic landscape.
拜托你闭嘴好吗?谢谢。 Could you please stop talking? Thank you.
你说的对,我暂时丧失判断力。 You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgment...
以为你其实很不错,但显然不是。 when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't.
是吗?这话什么意思? Oh, yeah? Well, what does that mean?
我是查麦克,我爱果冻妹。 I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jell-O.
我跟猩猩一样爱嘿咻，别坠入爱河，那太吓人了。 I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love, it's scary.
天哪,这下要被罚钱了 Oh, for God's sakes, there's the first one.
是啊,是很吓人,太恐怖了 Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
尤其当我爱上的是你这种疯女人 Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.
我不是疯女人 I am not a psycho.
爱? Love?
我刚刚说我爱你，而你却只听到“疯女人”。 I just told you that I loved you, and all you heard was 'psycho.'
你真是典型的神经病。不对,神经病是指一个人。 -You're the definition of neurotic. -No. The definition of neurotic...
受焦虑、妄想所困扰 is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts...
-无法控制行为合并生理失调 -闭嘴啦 -without any objective evidence of-- -Shut up.
我刚刚才告诉你我爱上了你 Yet again, I just told you I'm in love with you...
你却站在这里给我上语文课 ...and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
你爱我 You're in love with me.
为什么? Why?
你彻底问倒我了 Beats the shit out of me...
但我就是爱 but I am.
喔,麦克 Oh, Mike.
-你好勇猛。 -是啊。 -You're amazing. -I am?
你好强 Oh, you're a god.
-真的? -天哪! -Really? -Oh, God!
我真有那么厉害? Am I really that good?
还是… Or are you--?
你是装的? Are you just faking it?
你永远不会知道 You'll never know.