THEME MUSIC
BERNARD: Oh, my God. Oh, isn't it great?
No, it's ridiculous.
Why did you get it? And why is it in my shop?
Manny said I need a hobby.
It'll only be here a few days. They'll winch it up to my flat.
You'll be bored of the piano in 10 minutes.
No, I'm getting proper lessons from this Russian guy.
His ad says he never fails.
Right. I have been working now for...
..73 straight hours.
I'm going to lunch. You can't.
Don't sell this. It's reserved for Williams, alright?
Where's my cure?!
It's not my fault you're hung over. It IS.
If I lived with a normal person,
there wouldn't be so much to blot out.
Where's the Flake?
I was looking for 'Blue Sands'.
Sorry.
Bernard, this is not for sale. Flake, Flake, Flake, Flake, Flake.
Oh, God.
Beat it, flaps.
This teacher-guy, Josef, is coming tomorrow. Is that OK?
Here's your bloody Flake.
Hmm. Bernard.
What?! This is reserved for Williams.
Alright? You know what he's like.
It's written in the ledger.
"Williams. 'Blue Sands'."
Promise you'll leave for the lesson?
Shut up, all of you! I'm dying.
Jesus, more hobbledehoys.
You can't leave me alone with them.
They're all over the place like a nest of pigs!
Why can't they all just go away and...and...and... Oh, Manny, look.
Oh! THUMP
I'm going. I don't even need a book.
I heard this was funny, but sorry to bother you.
No, wait! It's yours.
No, no, no.
No, wait! It's yours. No, no, no.
That belongs to, uh, Williams. THUD!
Great. Uh, how much do I owe you? Nothing.
Sorry it's not beautifully wrapped. Thanks.
What are you doing? Why did you give that to that girl?
You're talking about the woman I love. Don't call her "that girl".
(Stomps foot) Arrgh!
TELEPHONE RINGS Hello?
They're all gone. We sold the last one.
Mr Williams. Your book, yes. 'Blue Sands'.
Do you fancy a drink? Mmm.
I'm afraid Manny just sold the last copy. Terribly sorry.
(Plays discordantly)
Again! Come on.
'Three Blind Mice.'
God, not again. What's the matter?
We've been doing this for nearly 10 minutes. It's not what I imagined.
Neither was my first wife. Play!
(Plays discordant 'Three Blind Mice')
You see, I can't play.
Even if I had 50 fingers and a million years, I still couldn't play.
I want to watch a video. Can we go get 'Chips'?
You hired me, Josef Slavinsky.
My family has taught piano for...200 years.
Of all my 13 brothers and sisters,
I was the one sent on the scholarship.
The rest stayed behind in the yurt.
What's a yurt?
A tent, made of beaver skins. It's not so good.
No slouching. Play!
(Plays discordantly)
Where were you?
Fran kicked me out for her stupid lesson.
Shut up. I'm not talking to you.
What? A customer was a bit disappointed.
Quite disappointed. I'll make it up to you.
I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of your lies.
How will you make it up to me? I'll buy you a Jeep.
No! I want the weekend off. (Groans)
I mean it. (Groans)
I want a life. This is life.
We suffer and slave and expire. That's it.
We have needs. Fran's got her piano. I want time to myself.
You want to go out with a girl.
Don't make me laugh...bitterly.
Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away
and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
(Laughs)
(Whispers) Just...just ask her out.
It's pointless. Look at her. She's got goodness running out of her ears.
I bet you the weekend she says yes.
No. Oh, come on. Give it a go.
Alright, alright. Look, look, look, look.
Hello, I'm, um...
..not that it matters, I'm Bernard and, um...
Nice to meet you. Kate.
The book's good. Thank you.
Oh.
Do you read? I do. Do you want to do that in the same room sometime?
Well... (Laughs)
You're busy, probably seeing one of your 4 million friends. Never mind.
There. You see?
Is tomorrow alright?
You did ask me out, didn't you? Yes, I did.
And look what happened. I'm sorry to bother you.
I'll pass by the shop anyway. Say, 8:00?
Ei...eight...
Good. See you then.
What does that mean? "See you then"?
It means, me, duvet, TV,
Maltesers, behind a locked door.
I win. I've got the weekend off. You've got a date.
Fran's probably having a whale of a time with the piano.
Who's suffering now? You tell me. Ha!
(Plays discordantly)
Enough!
Enough today.
Lots of work to be done.
(Mutters) Stupid piano.
You will practise all evening. Swear to me.
(Muted) I swear.
I will be back tomorrow and every day
until you can play.
I've got the weekend off.
My girl, I mean Kate...
She asked me out.
Couldn't resist my musk.
What's the matter? Oh, he's so unfair.
I must be musical. I've got hundreds of CDs.
He wants me to practise all evening like a child. He's such a meanie.
Hmm. I always wanted to learn, but my parents forced me not to.
I spent hour after hour playing football all by myself,
peering in at all the other children in the neighbourhood
practising their piano.
Bigfoot, get on with it. You're not off till tomorrow.
What will you do with all your time off, Manny?
Oh, I don't know. Long baths, braid my beard, unbraid it.
Lie around fondling moonbeams, being a lord of leisure.
Come on, you. Get cracking.
OK. Got to get down to this.
I want to know, where are you going?
Drink.
DOOR CLOSES
Oh.
BEETHOVEN'S 'RONDO A CAPRICCIO'
(Hums)
(Plays along with radio)
(Excitedly) Ah! I can play!
FRENETIC MUSIC RESUMES
RADIO CRACKLE, JAZZY MUSIC
(Plays chord)
(Plays rhythmically)
Ah!
(Scats)
Hey!
(Groans painfully)
(Both groan simultaneously)
(Both exclaim in pain)
(Groans)
(Plays scale whimsically) No!
(Accusingly) Ooh! Drinking when you should be practising?
Naughty, naughty.
After this, you're on your own. My time off starts now.
I was listening to the radio. I picked up a few chords.
(Plays some notes) Oh, Manny. Don't! My head.
Josef is coming. He'll squeeze my face again.
My brains will come out my nose and I'll die.
(Yells) No noise!
(Plays Grieg's 'Concerto in A Minor')
It's good, isn't it? It's so relaxing.
I picked up this other thing, it's quite famous. It goes... (Hums)
(Plays 'Rondo a Capriccio')
Miss Fran?
(Uncertainly) I've been practising
and therefore, I don't need to have any more lessons
and so you can go home.
Hmm.
I see.
How wonderful!
And did you pick up anything else in this single evening?
(Plays jazzy music)
Impossible!
I don't believe it.
Nobody picks up jazz so quickly.
That was me showing off. I play some jazz.
Oh, this is Bernard, Josef. Uh, just a friend.
Have you been teaching my pupil, Mr Bernard jazz friend?
Come away from the piano, please.
Now...play again.
We shall see.
(Plays 'Rondo a Capriccio')
How can this be?!
Well, I did practise all night.
Don't be upset, Josef. You inspired her.
Yes, yes. Thank you, Josef.
You've done a wonderful, wonderful job.
Today, she is a natural. Yesterday, it was cats screwing.
All credit to you. This morning, she played Brahms, Handel, Bach...
Bach! My favourite.
Before I go, please.
No, I can't. It's not good enough.
A perfectionist!
Excellent.
PIANO CLATTERS
I will return tomorrow. (Stammers) No, but...
Uh! Tomorrow.
What did you say that for? Now he's coming back.
Don't worry. Manny's going to pick it up.
No, he won't. He's on holiday, remember?
He'll be watching the Test match in bed,
eating tiramisu with a long spoon.
But, Manny, what could be nicer?
Oh, it's really relaxing. You said so yourself.
(Plays Bach's Prelude 21)
Faster.
Faster!
You're not trying. Feathery strokes. Feathery strokes!
You just told me to dampen it. Damp feathers.
You have to become the piano.
Play from within.
Arrgh! This is unfair. We had a deal.
I get the weekend off. You get with Kate.
Ah! The lucky girl. I have to freshen up.
(Plays quietly) Come on. Come on.
It's not as if you were asked to play anything difficult.
This is Bach's Prelude 21 from the 48 preludes and fugues.
What exactly would you describe as 'difficult'?
Richten, by Alexi Toscananovich,
Khachaturian, Prokofiev, popping off to shops.
Alright, you can have a little break. Tea, is it?
Oh, that'd be lovely.
I'll have one as well, thanks, and a bickie.
Hi. Oh, hello.
I brought the book for you to read. It's funny.
What are you playing?
(Modestly) Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Well, jazz.
And classical. And everything. Rubbish, really.
Go on.
(Stammers) Oh, I'm not...I'm not...very good.
That doesn't matter.
Usually, I have to rub linseed oil into my triceps before I...
Well, maybe a little ditty. Hang on.
No. No way.
Not possible. I refuse.
Absolutely, no.
That is a pity.
Have a nice weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop,
because they've all just gone up by a penny.
(Clears throat) Now, um, there is just, uh...
..something I wanted to, um, ask you.
Um, do you...look, um...
..have you...have you ever, uh...
..um, have you ever read this?
No.
Well, don't. It's just...birds.
Birds, birds and more birds.
Owls, finches, sparrows, that...kind of thing.
And it's, um...it's very, very dull and birdy.
So stay away from that. OK? OK.
Alright. OK. Good. Good.
Now, did you want to...
Have a seat. Have a seat.
Now...
Music.
JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS ON PIANO
Sounds good.
You've been practising.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Hello.
(Quietly) You are the lowest. How can you?
Awful, isn't it?
Much worse than lying to that sweet old blind man.
Now, clear off. You're ruining my gig.
Good, isn't he?
Amazing.
The truth is...he's a genius.
This is nothing.
Upstairs, he's got rooms full of his most recent paintings.
He can, uh...speak nine languages,
blow glass, do hard sums.
But he wouldn't tell you. He's just so modest.
I had no idea.
I mean, he seems...he seems so, sort of, awkward.
So what he needs is someone to give him confidence.
Right.
QUIET FINALE (Applauds)
That was a bit clumsy. I'm usually better.
That was just fine. Come on, you. You're taking me out.
Money. Taxis, dinners, tips. Come on.
What'd she say when you were talking?
Just nice things.
METAL CLATTERS (Grunts)
Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, Manny. You mustn't let him exploit you like that.
You come and sit down.
(Soothingly) There.
You sit there.
(Sighs with relief)
And have a nice practice of the Bach for Josef.
Get off! This is my holiday. I'm going to the pub.
I'm never playing for you again.
Well, if you can pick it up just like that...
(Mutters) ..anybody can.
(Plays discordantly)
You freak!
(Groans) Oh, God.
Oh, come on, Manny. Please. Josef's going to be here in a minute.
(Groans quietly)
(Plays chords randomly) Stop! Stop. Stop.
What will I say to him? He'll kill me with his cane.
You! What did you say to Kate?
She thinks I'm the Renaissance.
She'll think I've lied.
I had to go along with all this reclusive genius stuff.
She'll be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.
You have lied, both of you.
It's your fault. I'm hung over and I'm on holiday.
I'm going to lie down.
He's right.
We just have to tell them the truth.
Josef!
Um, hello.
Fran, my dear! Yes, um, uh...
Now, this is very difficult for me.
I know. I know. Bach is always a challenge.
Now, permit me to introduce my father,
who flew in this morning from Petersburg.
Miss Fran, my father, Peter.
Hello. Um, yes, uh...
This makes what I have to say more difficult.
Uh, but wait! My grandfather, Anton, all the way from Odessa.
He taught the Tsar before the revolution.
(Laughs feebly) Hello, um, yes...
They have both come just to hear you.
Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?
Wait.
Hi. Oh, hi.
Um, I...I feel very bad...
This is Mr Bernard-jazz. Very good.
No, I'm not. I'm not at all.
Er, you've got to stop that. Just stop putting yourself down.
Come on. Play something.
Yes. Er...oh, sorry. Hang on.
No, I can't help either of you. I'm dying.
Look, if you just say yes, I'll stop doing this.
(Exclaims) No!
A week. A week off. I'll distract Kate.
A whole week, all yours, paid, from today.
KNUCKLES CRACK LOUDLY
Spoon me.
INTRICATE PIANO MUSIC
Bravo! (All applaud)
Go on. Your turn.
Uh...how about a duet?
(Moans fearfully)
Alright.
Yeah.
(Painfully) Please! No.
A one and a two...
(Whimpers) No. No. One, two, three, four.
COLOURFUL, RHYTHMIC PIANO MUSIC
THUD! (Exclaims)
THUD! (Grunts painfully)
THUD! (Grunts)
SPOON CLATTERS
FINALE
(All applaud) (Anton cheers)
JOSEF: Extraordinary.
I think, possibly, the second-best performance I ever heard.
Yeah, no big thing... What do you mean, second-best?
No more. No more.
In '43, I heard Rachmaninov.
He finished with 'Flight of the Bumblebee'.
You almost approached him.
You're never happy, are you? Rachmaninov.
I bet he used all his fingers.
I'm sure you could do better than that.
Exactly. Exactly.
I know, we'll do our party piece.
(Grunts) Yeah.
Yeah, we only use one finger each. It's in triple-time.
It's called 'Flight of the Seven Million Bumblebees.'
JOSEF: Impossible! You're either boasting or joking.
You think so? Just watch this.
(Both play rapid discordant music)
Mmm.
(Laughs)
Oh, that's good.
(Laughs)
(Laughs) Wonderful. That's just the ticket.
(Laughs hysterically)
Oh.
THUD! THUD!
(Weeps)
Shut up. (Blows nose)
So Josef shouted at you, "Yes, you're a failure,"
but hoist your noise, would you?
I can't even get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons.
Manny, get the aspirin.
No. I hope your head explodes.
Have some pity. You have to get drunk when you've been dumped.
I'm delighted. It's all your fault.
Sprained my ankle, I can only see out my ear.
Everything hurts.
Please! No.
Hello. Would you like to make a donation to the blind?
THEME MUSIC
Supertext Captions by the Australian Caption Centre www.auscap.com.au
Captioned by: Julie Raffaele Andrew Owens Edited by: Sue Johnson