I mean, I'm letting my kids watch it,
but you probably have higher standards.
Hello there.
I'm Ryan Reynolds.
Yeah, hmm.
That Ryan Reynolds.
I'm a film actor,
occasionally I dabble in television
and other industries.
I'm also a father.
But I'm ready to move on from all of that crap.
So what's next?
Wildlife, that's what.
Nope, not these blowhards.
They don't need my help.
I'm here for these guys.
Nature's benchwarmers.
I'm talking grade-A freaks
and their freakin' bizarre, weird, freakshow lives.
Get ready for the Underdogs.
♪ I wanna be your underdog ♪
These guys are the grossest, weirdest...
♪ I'm not number one, but I'm second to none ♪
...the most unlikely stars in the great movie of life.
♪ Heroes are overrated when you are the outlaw ♪
Now it's their time to shine.
♪ Cuz I wanna be your underdog ♪
Wherever there is blatant mischief,
wherever there is abject cowardice,
wherever there is unbearable sexual tension...
that's where you'll find the underdogs.
You tell 'em, Green Day.
♪ I'm not a loser ♪
♪ I wanna be your underdog ♪
I'm Ryan Reynolds.
♪ I wanna be your underdog ♪
And I endorse these weirdoes.
[hyena laughs]
♪ ♪
Some laws of nature are incontrovertible.
And one of the big ones is the need to reproduce.
Or there'd be no more itty-bitty baby animals.
The trouble with sex-- and really, where do I begin?
--is that you can't do it alone.
[whispers] No comment.
So the first step is choosing your partner,
and that's true whether you're an A-list animal,
or one of the underdogs.
This is Happy...
[hyena groaning]
...the hyena.
He may be one of the ugliest outcasts in Africa,
but don't feel sorry for him.
He's having the best day.
Morning run.
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
A little self-care.
♪ I used to think maybe you loved me ♪
♪ Now, baby, I'm sure ♪
Not your episode, Barry. Keep moving.
A nice snack.
♪ And I just can't wait till the day ♪
♪ When you knock on my door ♪
Life couldn't get any better than this.
♪ I'm walking on sunshine, wooah ♪
Or could it?
[tempo slows down]
Like a hormonal teenager at a middle school dance,
Happy has a new and irrepressible urge
to find a girlfriend.
[yipping]
But that's not easy...
[snarling]
...when these are the girls.
♪ ♪
Hyenas take female empowerment to the maximum.
They're aggressive, dominant,
and automatically outrank all males.
And if that's not intimidating enough,
they also have these.
Pseudo-penises. That's fun to say.
Giant female genitalia.
They're for peeing--standard--
giving birth--ouchie--
and making mating difficult for males.
Tough break, fella.
As first loves go, they're not for the faint of heart.
But Happy is an optimist.
And he's just fallen in love...
♪ ♪
...with a stone-cold knockout.
♪ ♪
Maybe he should just ask her out.
He's a six, maybe six and a half?
You know, he could show her all the fun stuff he likes.
Maybe they could do it together.
The fun stuff, not the--yeah.
♪ ♪
Happy knows nothing about relationships.
But like any self-respecting male,
he's not gonna let ignorance hold him back
from taking his shot.
Ready, shoot, aim is what I say.
♪ ♪
[snarling]
In case you don't speak hyena, that's a no.
And no is a complete sentence.
When it comes to the need to go to funky town,
you can't skip straight to the end.
You just, you just can't.
You have to learn the rules and put in the work.
Though, first things first,
you need to attract their attention.
[horns honking]
[brakes hiss]
Unlike some of their more colorful cousins,
bowerbirds can't rely on plumage alone
to draw attention to themselves,
so males spend their whole lives compensating;
painfully familiar to males of all species.
These guys, they build extravagant bachelor pads,
known as bowers,
all over town, sometimes in truly underdog locations.
[truck beeping]
[car alarm]
[heavy bass music]
And if that wasn't sad enough,
these deluded loners surround these bowers
with obsessively collected colorful knickknacks,
in the hope of impressing a potential girlfriend.
♪ ♪
But there's always that one guy who takes a good idea too far.
And Sebastian here has meticulously curated 361 items
of colorful trash in the hope it will win him a mate.
[cha-ching]
Good luck, Sebastian.
[cha-ching]
It's a collection that's taken most of his adult life.
[cha-ching]
But it will all be worth it,
if it's good enough to dazzle a female...
[cha-ching repeating]
...into sticking around long enough to mate with him.
So far, it's not been enough.
But Sebastian has a solution.
[dial-up Internet connecting]
Rather than admit that he might be the problem,
he's decided to expand his collection.
And the best way to do that is to steal from someone else's.
[cha-ching]
But what to choose?
[cha-ching]
♪ ♪
[cha-ching]
♪ ♪
Bingo!
And while he's at his rival's place...
[heavy metal music]
He figures he could try just a teeny bit of wanton vandalism.
[heavy metal music]
Sebastian, you small-minded [bleep].
Back home, he adds item 362 to his collection.
And when a female finally comes along,
he's hoping this new addition will make all the difference.
She's ready.
All Sebastian needs is to stay focused
and show her something worth sticking around for.
Now, focus.
What will she like best?
Nope.
What about this?
No, I was kidding.
Okay, uh, this thing?
No, you're right, that's terrible.
No, definitely not.
I don't even know who that belongs to.
Okay, time for the showstopper.
The finest thing he owns in the world.
Sure, it's the bowerbird equivalent
of screaming "I love you!" on a first date,
or "You'll always compete with my mother if we..."
Anyway, she's gonna go for it.
♪ ♪
Or maybe not.
[shrieking]
Nah, don't worry, Sebastian.
Who needs a mate?
When you have a man cave...
and the Internet.
[bird whooping]
However you try to impress a potential partner,
it's always a good idea to know your audience.
♪ ♪
But be warned.
Whatever you think you've got going for you,
women are usually looking for something completely different.
♪ ♪
This is Littlenose.
Kind of an ironic nickname.
She's a proboscis monkey.
She hangs out with a bunch of sisters, girlfriends,
and loose acquaintances in one big, happy girl group.
Plus this guy.
Oh, I get why she's called Littlenose now.
All her gal pals have babies.
Cute ones.
♪ ♪
She's decided that it's time to have one of her own.
Which means it's time to hit the apps and find Mr. Right.
♪ ♪
He must be out there... somewhere.
Littlenose's day starts, well, like every other day,
with the search for food.
Mature leaves are all poisonous,
and that means looking for tender young shoots
that are slightly less likely to kill you.
But today, her schedule's about to get a little more exciting.
♪ ♪
Word's got out that she's looking for love.
♪ ♪
And the local bachelor pack are pretty confident
they've got just the thing she's looking for.
Meet bachelor number one.
He enjoys jazz, long walks, and romantic nights in.
[record scratches]
Uh-huh, sure he does.
She'd rather eat the poisonous leaves.
Introducing bachelor number two.
A muscular bombshell,
he's hoping to impress her with his athletic prowess.
Oh, no!
♪ ♪
He can just walk that off, right?
No, maybe not.
Trouble is, for all their conventional qualities,
these youthful, vigorous males don't possess
the special something Littlenose is looking for.
♪ ♪
But when you've rejected all the bachelors,
where's left to look?
Nope, no, definitely not.
Okay, he's old enough to be her grandpa.
He's clearly behind on dental hygiene,
that's gonna come back to haunt you.
But you know what's gonna come back to haunt you even worse?
The rash.
That's contag--you're gonna have that all over the place.
But there is something about him,
and it turns out it's exactly the thing
she's been looking for.
A throbbing, off-the-scales, truly enormous...
nose.
And in the proboscis world,
that's a sign of one very specific detail--
bigger cojones.
Crown jewels.
Little lads. I like that one.
Or as the scientists insist I say, smooth criminals.
No, sorry, testicles, testicles, testicles.
Which means a little quality time with him
is her best chance
of getting what I believe those scientists call "knocked up."
Sure, he may already have mated with four besties,
eight girlfriends, 16 neighbors,
uh, and someone's grandma...
But all those ladies can't be wrong.
Better luck next time, bachelors.
Truth is, without the nose, you never stood a chance.
Turns out, hate to say it,
size does matter.
Damn it.
But love isn't always that shallow.
Sometimes it's not what you've got
but what you do with it that counts.
Strategy is everything.
Remember Happy?
He's had a long, hard look at his situation,
and he's had an idea.
♪ ♪
With no other way to win the heart of a female
that outsizes and outranks him,
he's decided he's simply gonna follow her
for as long as it takes,
maybe forever.
In the human world, this level of persistence
would land you a restraining order,
uh, and two, possibly four years in prison.
To say nothing of the fact that it makes you a super creep.
But for hyenas, it's a tried and tested way
to demonstrate your total devotion.
♪ ♪
Good luck with that, buddy.
So you've chosen the one
and come up with a surefire strategy to win their heart,
but it's still a crowded arena out there.
The next stage is to fend off
the competition.
♪ ♪
This male turkey is looking for a mate.
And despite having a deeply underdog appearance,
his sexy shimmying has still attracted some females.
He just needs to close the deal
by flopping out his most dazzling feature.
His snood.
That's wrinkly.
Like a dangly, extendable...
nose sock.
I'm not for injectables, typically,
but you know, you could probably get some work done
on that thing.
♪ ♪
[growl]
Astonishingly, that's all it takes.
♪ ♪
And the turk-lady lies down to signal she's ready.
It's all going perfectly to plan.
Until...
[gobbling]
Sock-blocked.
And by his own brothers.
Bonecrusher.
Bloodbather.
And... Ian.
Oooh, wing slap!
Once they were nestmates,
but now love has made them bitter rivals.
♪ ♪
In turkey world, only one male can breed,
and our guy is getting his ass handed to him by Ian.
♪ ♪
From now on, Ian will be the sole headliner.
[chirp]
♪ ♪
And all the other males will be the sad backup dancers
that no one remembers, for the rest of time,
because the entertainment industry has failed
to honor their craft properly.
So, although he still gets to shimmy,
he'll be shaking his feathers to attract more females
for Ian to mate with.
A literal wingman.
[gobbling]
But surely it doesn't apply to his girlfriend?
Maybe she'll still mate with him.
She liked his snood.
♪ ♪
Nope, she's more of a "rip your heart out" kinda gal.
Yeah, [bleep] you, Ian!
Yeah, [bleep] you forever.
Thanksgiving is starting to look pretty damn good.
[kitchen timer ticking]
Even when love seems hopelessly out of reach,
you should never lose faith,
because there's always another day.
[grumbling]
Meet our blubberiest underdog yet,
a young male elephant seal.
He's hoping to breed and has just spotted an opportunity.
But he's hit a little snag.
[bellowing]
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
4,000 pounds of naked fury
who just caught him trying to mate with his girlfriend.
Been there.
♪ ♪
No, no, no, no! Run, run! Run!
Oh, you're so dead, oh, my god, you're so dead.
[bellowing]
Our little runt is about to get the beating of his life
and all for the sake of love.
Is it worth it?
Keep watching.
♪ ♪
♪ Me caí, me paré, caminé, me subí ♪
♪ Me fui contra la corriente y también me perdí ♪
♪ Fracasé, me encontré, lo viví y aprendí ♪
Once a year, eager male elephant seals
approach the shores of California
with one thing in mind-- mating.
And with hundreds of females on the beach,
the odds are pretty good, right?
But there's a problem.
Come on, you saw that coming.
They've gotta get past...
the beachmaster.
I promise you that's the scientific term,
and the nickname for my mom
when I was trying to sneak back into the house.
Okay, moving on.
He's the largest male in the area.
Two tons of unrepressed anger and control issues.
[bellowing]
He'll beat the crap out of anyone
who tries to mate with his fanbase of adoring females.
♪ ♪
Those females also act like security,
alerting the big guy to any intruders.
[honking]
But some females are looking for more than just a beefcake.
They'll go for smaller, sensitive sorts,
like our guy.
But he's gonna need to pick the perfect moment.
[bellowing]
The fertile females are the ones
in the middle of the colony.
The challenge is try to sneak past the guards
and mate with a willing partner behind the beachmaster's back.
♪ ♪
It's not long before he sees his opening.
The arrival of a second beachmaster.
Wait, a second [bleep] beachmaster?
[bellows]
And that gives Mr. Underdog just what he needs.
A diversion.
♪ ♪
[bellowing]
While the tattletales have their eyes
on the big boy beach fight...
[bellowing]
...our guy picks both a safe word
and a safe route toward the fertile females.
[bellowing]
By the way, the safe word is pumpkin spice.
[bellows]
[roar]
He won't have long.
He doesn't need long.
[honking]
Oh, there goes the alarm,
and son of a beachmaster, here comes the beating.
Pumpkin spice, pumpkin spice, pumpkin spice.
Right back to where we started.
But it turns out he had just enough time
to get the job done before he was caught.
♪ Y no te preocupes si no ♪
So is the punishment worth it?
♪ Cuando te critiquen tú ♪
Well, you bet it is.
No one knows more about suffering for love than Happy,
the hopelessly devoted hyena.
♪ ♪
There's the woman of his dreams.
♪ ♪
[music stops]
But where's Happy?
Has he finally done just a skosh of internal work,
realized his own self-worth, and developed a little dignity?
No, he's a male, and he likes this plan.
♪ ♪
But while some focus on finding the one,
not everybody stops at one.
Some animals prefer to keep their options wide open.
♪ ♪
Welcome to Madurai, India.
[horns beeps]
The unlikely home of the darkest detective
in the DC Universe...
[screeching]
...the fruit bat.
Not the toughest name, of course, yeah.
But you know who is tough?
Bruce Wa--no? Hold on, I'm sorry,
they're telling me that it's Barbara,
Barbara's the--that actually makes a lot more sense.
Barbara.
So riddle me this, Babs.
Who's gonna be your sexual sidekick?
Out of the many eligible male fruit bats,
which one will be brave enough,
bold enough
to be the father of...
And that is gross.
I'm so sorry, Barbara, that, um...
Yeah, that's the right reaction.
Just, that's a total red flag.
Red fl--how many watchlists is that guy on?
That's, yeah. Uh, my lord.
Moving on.
Someone new just appeared on Barbara's radar.
Okay, he's not the most impressive, uh, specimen
of bat-manhood you've ever seen,
but let's just be happy
that Barbara seems to have found her mate.
[screeching]
Like most relationships, it's kind of messy,
but maybe this is the start of something really beautiful.
[screeching]
Uh, nope, yeah, he's gone.
I knew my dad longer than that. [chuckles]
But it turns out Barbara the fruit bat
is ready for a sequel immediately.
She wants the best possible father
for her little bat babies,
so she's auditioning other applicants.
And this next joker has a cunning plan
for giving himself the best chance of landing the role.
He's going to...
How can I put this? He's gonna... ah, hmm.
He's gonna clear out the bat cave.
Um, hmm.
Oh, my, oh, I was so afraid this was gonna be weird,
but no, that's, yeah.
Experts think this licking
removes the previous male's sperm.
And Barb has no objections.
The longer he licks, the longer she'll let him mate.
[screeching]
This male is the first of many sequels
in this Batgirl's unique franchise.
One after another, after another.
Bat sex scientists--
which is a real career that you can choose--
don't exactly know why Barbara mates with so many males,
but it may be her way of ensuring
the strongest sperm succeeds.
If that's the way things work in the DC Universe,
well, I mean, who am I to judge?
♪ ♪
By now, you might be wondering if all underdog relationships
are all about combat,
competition,
and soul-crushing rejection.
[bell tolling]
And you would be right.
But all that pain fades
when you finally find your perfect partner.
♪ ♪
This is a leopard slug.
These guys are relationship experts,
and this one right here is looking for the one.
♪ ♪
[record scratches]
I would like to resume my life at some point,
so let's maybe speed this up.
[fast fowarding]
♪ ♪
♪ Toi et moi ♪
♪ On se cache cache comme ça ♪
♪ Toi et moi chaque fois ♪
Somewhere in this charming French cellar is another slug,
equally eager to breed.
So this slug lays down a trail of highly alluring slime...
♪ Ahh, toi et moi ♪
...packed with stinky pheromones
for the other slug to detect and follow.
♪ Oooh, pas à pas, ahhh ♪
♪ Attention ♪
[whispering] I think they found it.
♪ C'est toi que je veux ♪
Mmmm.
Pheromones by Leopard Slug.
Now that they've found each other,
it's time to take things to the next level.
♪ ♪
Together they descend on a foot-long rope
of self-made mucus.
Entwining their bodies to make sure that no one can leave
until both partners are fully satisfied.
♪ ♪
Ahh, the French kiss.
Wait, no, that's...
Oh, no, no, those aren't...
Oh, those aren't, those aren't tongues, they're--ohhhhh.
Oh, those are, those are penises.
Peni? It's that what you say?
Is that what the slugs say?
And that's the reason these slugs are so egalitarian.
Both partners have male and female genitalia,
and both give and receive sperm,
which they can each use to fertilize their own eggs.
♪ ♪
Then... ah, yes.
Au revoir.
[splat]
I can count on both hands how many times
I've left a relationship this exact way.
Last slug swinging gets to eat the mucus.
No, thank you!
So, there you have it.
The underdogs' guide to navigating the good, the bad,
and the ugly of relationships.
And a friendly reminder that everyone
deserves a little love.
Except Happy, who's finally...
Well, he's hit rock bottom.
Basically doing the hyena equivalent
of crying into his drink.
It's just, you know, I think we should just spend some money
on Michael Bolton.
["How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" plays]
There you go, ooh.
Mmm, that's good.
♪ ♪
Oh, he speaks for those who can't speak for themselves.
♪ ♪
But if I know anything about rom coms, and I don't,
I just did everything Sandra Bullock told me to do,
it's that rock bottom is the solid foundation
upon which you build true love.
♪ ♪
And Happy?
Well, he's gonna give it one last shot.
♪ ♪
H-h-hold the phone, hold on.
Wait, could Happy's luck be turning around?
♪ ♪
After weeks of quiet, unmitigated contempt,
it looks like he's finally about to get his happy end--
Oh, no, gonna stay away from that.
He's gonna get his, the ending he deser--the...
he's gonna, um,
he's gonna [bleep].
No. He is going to get the dishes done.
Can we say that?
Now she begins to follow him.
Hold your nerve, she almost certainly won't kill you.
All that's left to solve is the pseudo-penis situation.
She does this by rolling it back
like a retractable shutter.
It's kind of like, um...
it's like of like, uh, how do you describe it?
Like a, it's like turning a sock inside out
using a banana with no hands.
So, after all that waiting,
when it does happen, it's not exactly fireworks.
[grunt]
But for Happy, it's like all his birthdays
have come at once.
Yeah, it's like his dreams came true,
his, his dreams, his... soaking wet dreams.
So how's everyone else doing?
Sebastian now has 1,009 items of garbage,
but still, predictably, has no girlfriend.
Littlenose has the baby that she's always dreamed of,
and hardly misses single life at all.
Ian learned a valuable lesson about karma.
Our elephant seal lover boy is bulking up,
getting spray-tanned,
ready to become next year's Mr. Beachmaster.
The slugs.
They are still leaving.
And Barbara?
She has her own cinematic universe
comprising of eight sequels,
two reboots, and a Bollywood musical in the works.
Now that is how you release Batgirl.
[ding]
[birds chirping]
♪ ♪
以下節目含動物交配的畫面
請觀眾自行斟酌觀看
我是會讓我的孩子看啦 但你可能有更高的標準
大家好，我是萊恩雷諾斯
對
就是那個萊恩雷諾斯
我是電影演員
我偶爾也涉足電視和其他行業
我也是父親
但我已經準備好擺脫這些破事了
接下來要涉足什麼？
野生動物，就是這個
不，不是這種自以為是的傢夥 牠們不需要我的幫助
我是為了這群傢夥而來的
大自然的冷板凳選手們 我說的可是頂級怪咖
牠們那些荒誕詭異 超乎想像的異常生活
準備好迎接隱秘的動物英雄吧
這群傢夥是最噁心、最詭異…
也是生命這部偉大電影中 最意想不到的明星
現在輪到牠們大放異彩了
無論哪裡有明目張膽的惡作劇 無論哪裡有懦弱之舉
無論哪裡有難以忍受的性張力…
那裡就會有隱秘的動物英雄
年輕歲月，交給你們了
我是萊恩雷諾斯
而我全力支持這群怪胎
《隱秘的動物英雄》
有些自然法則是無可爭議
其中最重要的一條就是繁衍後代
不然這世上哪來的小動物呢？
說到交配的麻煩事，眞不知從何說起
麻煩的是，你不能單打獨鬥
不予置評
那麼，第一步是選擇伴侶
無論你是動物界的大明星
還是默默無聞的小角色都得這麼做
（性感野獸）
這隻鬣狗…
名叫「黑皮」
雖然牠是非洲最醜陋的邊緣生物之一
但別為牠感到難過
牠今天過得超爽
晨跑
來點自我照顧
你不是這集的主角，貝瑞，繼續走
再來點小點心
生活爽到無從挑剔了
或是還能更爽？
就像青春期荷爾蒙爆發的國中生
黑皮突然有一股難以抑制的新衝動 想找個女朋友
但這不容易…
因為看這些女孩
鬣狗界把女力這件事發揮到極致
牠們兇猛、強勢
天生地位就凌駕於公鬣狗之上
如果這還不夠嚇人…
牠們還有這個
假陰莖，這詞唸起來眞有趣
超大的女性生殖器官 這是用來排尿的，很正常
也用來生產，聽起來就痛 也讓交配變得極度困難
兄弟，眞是太慘了
要談這種初戀，還眞不是膽小鬼能應付
但黑皮是樂天派
牠剛墜入愛河…
對像簡直是風華絕代
也許牠該直接去約那隻母鬣狗 牠不是最帥的，但也不算太差
牠可以帶母鬣狗去做牠覺得好玩的事
也許牠們可以一起做 好玩的事，不是那個…對
黑皮對談戀愛一竅不通
但就像任何有自尊心的雄性 牠不會讓無知阻止自己
賭一把，也就是「準備、射擊、瞄準」
萬一你聽不懂鬣狗語 那隻母鬣狗的答案是不行
不行就是不行
當你有交配的需求時
你不能跳過前戲，直接進入正題
就是…不能
你必須學會遊戲規則，然後努力實踐
（待續）
不過，凡事要按順序來 首先要想辦法吸引目光
（歡迎光臨澳洲）
（吸引目光）
不像某些色彩鮮豔的親戚
園丁鳥光靠羽毛是沒辦法吸引目光的
於是公鳥一生都在努力補救
這點想必所有雄性生物都能感同身受
這些傢夥會四處搭建奢華的單身公寓
也就是著名的愛巢 有時會選在超冷門的地點築巢
（傑森的垃圾場）
（哈羅德的地獄）
（克萊夫的小屋，歡迎）
如果這還不夠可憐
這些執迷不悟的單身漢還會在愛巢周圍
擺滿牠們精心収集的各種亮眼小飾品
希望能打動心儀的對像
（愛情小飾品，賽巴斯汀棚屋）
（紅色塑膠、空調、閃亮石頭）
但總會有個傢夥 把本來不錯的想法玩得太過火
就像這隻賽巴斯汀極其講究 蒐羅了三百六十一件
五顏六色的垃圾，衹為了贏得伴侶的青睞
祝你好運了，賽巴斯汀
（物件：破盤子）
（物件：瓶蓋）
這些収藏品花費了牠大半輩子収集而成
（物件：束線帶）
（物件：手銬）
但這一切是値得的
衹要這些寶物足以驚艷某隻母鳥…
（物件：手銬鑰匙）
（手鍊、瓶蓋、布料、口香糖包裝紙）
…讓牠心動並留下來與牠交配
（塑膠雜物、中國手指玩具）
目前看來，還不夠吸引目光
但賽巴斯汀早有辦法
（別弄丟鑰匙 太棒了！）
（越多東西等於越多愛）
與其承認問題可能出在自己身上
牠決定繼續增加収藏品
最棒的辦法就是直接去偸別人的
但要偸哪一樣呢？
（物件：紅色高速旅行車 紅色、讚、超棒）
（物件：髮夾 備註：被夾到很痛）
（物件：布花 備註：必須擁有）
就是這個！
趁著還在對手的地盤上…
牠想順便來點肆無忌憚的破壞行為也無妨
賽巴斯汀，你這小心眼的傢夥…
回到家後，牠在収藏品中 添上第三百六十二件寶物
終於一隻母鳥來了
牠希望這個最新的収藏品 能成為關鍵轉折點
母鳥準備好了
賽巴斯汀衹需要專心
拿出最能吸引母鳥留下的東西
現在，專心
母鳥會最喜歡哪樣呢？
（物件：不明水菓 備註：乾癟，綠色）
不是
那這個呢？
（物件：沙袋鼠糞便 備註：應該不是食物）
不是，我開玩笑的，好，這個呢？
不是，你說得對，這爛透了
絕對不是
（臭襪子）
我根本不知道那是誰的
好，該拿出壓箱寶了
牠在這世上擁有的最珍貴之物
這麼做就相當於
在第一次約會時就大喊「我愛你！」
或是說「如果我們在一起 你永遠要跟我媽競爭」
總之，牠會接受的
或許不會
別擔心，賽巴斯汀，當你擁有單身公寓
還有網路時…
誰還需要伴侶呢？
（白石、綠葉、電線）
無論用什麼方法吸引潛在伴侶
瞭解對方的需求總是個好主意
但請註意
不管你覺得自己哪裡最有魅力…
女性註意的…通常是另一回事
（炫耀你最棒的資產）
這是小鼻子，這個綽號還挺諷刺的
牠是母長鼻猴
整天和一群姐妹、閨密
還有點頭之交混在一起 組成一個和樂融融的姐妹淘
還有這傢夥… 我現在知道牠為什麼叫小鼻子了
牠的閨密們都有寶寶了
可愛的寶寶
牠決定該輪到自己當媽了
這表示該打開交友軟體，尋找眞命天子了
牠一定就在世上…
某個角落吧
小鼻子的一天和往常沒什麼兩樣
還是從覓食開始
成熟的樹葉都有毒
所以牠要努力尋找嫩芽
至少沒那麼容易要命
不過今天的行程要刺激多了
因為牠想談戀愛的消息已經傳開了
當地的單身公猴群隻隻信心滿滿
覺得自己正是牠要找的眞命天子
來看一號單身猴
牠喜歡爵士樂、漫步和浪漫的居家夜晚
最好是啦
小鼻子寧可吃毒樹葉
接下來是二號單身猴，這位肌肉型猛男
希望用自己的體能來打動小鼻子
（二號單身猴）
失敗了！
反正趕緊爬上岸就沒事了，對吧？
不，可能不行
（六號單身猴）
麻煩的是，雖然這些年輕力壯的公猴
條件不錯，但牠們缺少一樣
小鼻子眞正想要的特質
（十三號單身猴）
（廿五號單身猴）
但所有單身猴都被拒絕後 還能去哪裡找對像呢？
不行，絕對不行 好，牠年紀大到可以當小鼻子的爺爺
牠明顯沒在顧牙齒衛生 這以後會變成大麻煩
但你知道比牙齒問題 更糟糕的是什麼？皮疹
這會傳染…很快會傳遍全身！
但牠身上有某種特質
正是小鼻子一直在尋找的東西
一個跳動的、超規格的、巨大無比的…
鼻子
在長鼻猴的世界裡
那代表一個非常具體的特徵…
更大的睪丸，王室御寶
小夥子，我喜歡這說法
或是科學家們堅持要我說的，滑頭罪犯
不，抱歉，是睪丸…睪丸
這表示跟牠來一段浪漫時光 是小鼻子懷孕的最佳機會
也就是科學家口中的「肚子被搞大」
當然，牠可能已經 和四個姐妹淘、八個閨密
十六個鄰居，甚至某人的阿嬤
都交配過了
但這麼多母猴不可能都看走眼吧？
祝你們好運，單身猴們
（四號單身猴）
事實是，沒大鼻子，你根本沒機會
（八號單身猴）
結果不得不承認，大小確實重要
（廿五號單身猴）
可惡
不過，愛情也不總是這麼膚淺
有時重點不在於你擁有什麼 而在於你怎麼運用
策略才是重點
還記得黑皮嗎？
牠仔細審視了一下自己的處境 然後靈光一閃
當牠無法打動一個比牠魁梧
比牠有地位的母鬣狗
黑皮決定一直跟著牠，無論要跟多久
也許一輩子
在人類的世界，這種程度的堅持
會讓你収到限制令 可能讓你入獄二到四年
更別說這招會讓你變成超級變態
但對鬣狗來說 這是一種經過重重驗證的方式
可以展現你的完全忠誠
祝你好運，兄弟
（再次待續）
你已選定了對像
並想出一個萬無一失的策略 好贏得她的芳心
但競爭依然激烈
下一步就是擊退競爭者
（擊敗對手）
這隻公火雞在尋找伴侶
儘管外表看起來不起眼
但牠性感的擺動仍吸引了幾隻母火雞
牠衹需要展示自己最迷人的特徵 搞定一切
牠的紅色肉垂
皺巴巴的，像個垂掛的可伸縮鼻套
我通常不推薦微整形
但你可能要整一下那玩意
驚人的是，展示這玩意就夠了
母火雞躺下來，表示準備好了
一切都完美地照計畫進行
直到…
殺出一堆「程咬金」
對方還是自己的兄弟們
碎骨者
浴血者
以及…伊恩
翅膀拍擊
牠們曾是室友
但現在愛情讓牠們成了激烈的對手
在火雞的世界裡 衹有一隻公火雞可以繁殖
而這隻火雞正被伊恩打得滿地找牙
（經歷屈辱的失敗幾天後）
從此伊恩將成為唯一的主角
其他公火雞將成為幫襯的
沒人會記得牠們的名字
因為娛樂界根本沒有
好好尊重牠們的付出 雖然牠仍然努力擺動身體
但牠衹會搧動翅膀，吸引更多母火雞
供伊恩繁殖
名副其實的「小弟」
但這對牠的女友就不適用了吧？
或許牠還是會和牠交配，牠喜歡牠的肉垂
不，牠更像是那種 讓你「撕心裂肺」的女生
對，去死吧，伊恩！對，給我去死
感恩節看起來越來越棒了
（感恩節，火雞食譜）
（烤箱預熱至一百八十度 填塞和搓揉，烹調三小時十五分鐘）
（定期澆油汁，伊恩可能需要更久）
即使當愛情似乎遙不可及時
你也不應該失去信心 因為新的一天總會到來
（把握時機）
來見見我們至今最肥厚的「隱秘英雄」 年輕的公象海豹
牠希望能繁殖，剛好發現了一個機會
但牠遇到了一點麻煩
另一隻近四千磅的
暴怒公象海豹 發現這臭小子想和牠女友交配
這種事我遇過
不…不，快跑…快跑
你死定了，天啊，你死定了
這小傢夥即將遭遇生命中最悽慘的痛擊
而這一切都是為了…愛
値得嗎？
繼續看下去
（數小時前…）
每年公象海豹都會帶著單純的交配目的
來到加州海岸
海灘上有數百隻母象海豹 機會看起來相當不錯吧？
但有一個問題
拜託，你早該想到的
牠們得先通過
沙灘霸主這關
我跟你保證，這是科學術語 也是我媽的綽號
就在我想偸溜回家時，好，我們言歸正傳
牠是這片區域最大隻的公象海豹
無法抑制怒火 又重達兩噸的控制狂公象海豹
想和牠可愛女粉絲們交配的傢夥
都會被牠狠狠揍一頓
這群母象海豹也像是牠的保全 有入侵者出現就會警告這個大塊頭
但有些母象海豹想要的不衹是猛男
牠們會選擇體型較小、較溫和的類型
就像我們這隻小傢夥
但牠需要挑選完美的時機
（沙灘霸主）
有生育能力的母象海豹都在群體的中央
（性感野獸 風險，交配機會）
如何悄悄穿過警衛群
背著沙灘霸主 與有意願的母象海豹交配是一大挑戰
沒多久，牠就看到了機會
第二位沙灘霸主出現
等下，第二位…沙灘霸主？
這給了我們「隱秘動物英雄」 所需要的機會
轉移註意力的機會
當母象海豹都在關註沙灘上 雄性之間的決鬥
我們的小傢夥選擇了通關密語
和安全路線，朝著母象海豹的方向前進
順便提一下，通關密語是「南瓜派香料」
牠的時間不多
但牠也不需要太多時間
警報響起
沙灘霸主來了，這下該挨揍了
南瓜香料…南瓜香料
一切回到原點
但結果證明，在被抓到之前 牠還是有足夠的時間完成任務
這樣的懲罰値得嗎？
當然値得
沒有誰比黑皮更懂得什麼叫 「為愛癡狂」
這隻無可救藥的忠誠鬣狗
（牠的摯愛）
那是牠夢寐以求的伴侶
但黑皮呢？
牠終於做了一點內在成長
意識到自我價値 並培養出一點尊嚴了嗎？
沒有，牠是雄性，牠喜歡這個計畫
（追求時間 廿天十四小時五十二分十二…十五秒）
（依然待續）
但有些動物專註於尋找唯一伴侶時
並不是每隻動物都衹有單一伴侶
有些動物更喜歡保持選擇多樣的空間
（腳踏多條船）
歡迎來到印度馬都來
這個不可思議的地方 是DC宇宙中，闇黑偵探的家
菓蝠
當然，這名字聽起來不怎麼強悍 對，但你知道誰很強悍嗎？
布魯斯韋…不是？等下，抱歉 他們告訴我是芭芭拉
芭芭拉才是…這確實更合理，芭芭拉
來猜猜看，小芭 誰會成為你的性愛搭檔？
在眾多優秀的雄性菓蝠中，誰夠勇敢
夠大膽
能當你孩子的父親…
然後…超沒公德心
抱歉，芭芭拉，這…
對，這反應沒錯 完全是NG的行為
NG…這傢夥 到底上了多少份黑名單啊？
那實在是…對，天啊
繼續，有一位新人剛出現在芭芭拉的眼前
好，牠可能不是你見過最厲害的
蝙蝠俠典範
但至少芭芭拉似乎找到自己的伴侶
就像多數戀愛關係一樣，這段關係有點亂
但也許是一段美好戀情的開始
不對，等下，牠走了 我認識我爸的時間都比這段關係長
但結果證明 菓蝠芭芭拉馬上準備好迎接下一任
牠想為自己的蝙蝠寶寶找到最優秀的父親
所以牠開始篩選其他應徵者
而下一位小丑想出一個高招
好讓自己雀屏中選
牠打算…我該怎麼說呢？牠打算…
清理蝙蝠小穴
天啊，我本來還擔心這會很詭異
但沒錯，那是…對
專家認為這種舔舐行為 是為了祛除前一隻雄性的精子
小芭完全不反對
牠舔得越久，小芭就讓牠交配的時間越長
這隻雄蝙蝠衹是芭芭拉的 《蝙蝠女》系列中的第一部續集
一部接一部，接著又一部
「蝙蝠性愛科學家」…
在蝙蝠界還眞有這種職業
不太確定為什麼 芭芭拉要與這麼多雄性交配
但這可能是牠用來確保 最強精子勝出的方式
如果這是DC宇宙的運作方式
我又有什麼資格評判呢？
你可能開始懷疑所有冷門的戀愛關係
是不是都與戰鬥…
競爭和令人心碎的拒絕有關
你的懷疑沒錯
但當你終於找到
完美伴侶時，所有痛苦都會消失
這是一隻大蛞蝓
這些傢夥可是戀愛專家
而這隻正努力尋找眞愛
（喜結連理）
我還想好好繼續過我的人生
所以我們快轉一下吧
在這迷人的法國酒窖裡，還有另一隻
同樣渴望繁殖的蛞蝓
於是這隻蛞蝓開始留下 充滿魅力的黏液軌跡…
裡面富含臭氣熏天的費洛蒙 讓另一隻蛞蝓能發現並跟隨
我想牠們找到了
大蛞蝓牌費洛蒙香水
現在牠們找到彼此
該進入下一步了
牠們共同懸掛在一條 約卅公分長的自製黏液繩上
纏繞著彼此，確保在雙方都滿足之前
誰也無法離開
法式熱吻
慢著，不，那是…
不…不，那不是…
那些不是舌頭，那些是生殖器
「生殖器們」？是這樣說的嗎？ 這是蛞蝓界的說法嗎？
這就是為什麼大蛞蝓界的愛情如此平等
雙方都擁有雄性和雌性生殖器…
雙方都能互相交換精子
然後各自受精產卵
然後…對
再會了
我有幾次分手的方式跟這一模一樣 我雙手都數得出來
最後留在繩上的蛞蝓可以吃掉這些黏液
不了，謝謝
這就是「隱秘動物英雄」的愛情指南
帶你走過戀愛的美好與糟糕 還有醜陋的一面
也別忘了，每個生物都値得擁有一點愛
除了黑皮，牠終於…
牠已經跌落谷底
基本上就是鬣狗版的借酒澆愁
讓我們…我覺得
我們應該花點錢請麥可波頓幫忙 就是這首
很好
他代表那些無法自己發聲的人發聲
但如果我對浪漫喜劇有什麼瞭解 其實我根本不瞭解
我衹是照著珊卓布拉克告訴我的方法去做
那就是，谷底正是建立眞愛的
穩固基礎
而黑皮呢？牠準備再給愛情最後一次機會
等下，停一下，難道黑皮要開始轉運了？
經過數週的沉默和無情的輕蔑
看來牠終於要得到牠的幸福結…
不，還是別提了
牠即將得到…牠該有的結局…
牠即將…牠即將…
不，牠要去洗碗盤，我們可以這麼說嗎？
現在母鬣狗開始跟上牠了
冷靜，牠應該不會殺了你
衹剩下那個假陰莖狀況的問題要解決
牠就像把捲起百葉窗一樣把它捲回去
就像是…
怎麼形容呢？就像用一根香蕉
把一隻襪子反過來，但又不用手
經過那麼久的等待
當這件事眞正發生時 也不是什麼値得放煙火的場面
但對黑皮來說，就像是一次過完 所有的生日
對，牠的夢想成眞了，牠那濕漉漉的夢想
那麼，其他動物的情況如何？
現在賽巴斯汀擁有一千零九件垃圾 但仍然如意料之中沒有女友
小鼻子終於擁有牠夢寐以求的寶寶
幾乎完全不想念單身生活
伊恩學到關於業力的寶貴敎訓
我們的象海豹情郎 正在練肌肉，噴上膚色劑
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