[MAN EXCLAIMS]
NARRATOR: [IN JAPANESE ACCENT] For hundreds of years in Japan,
there has lived a clan who have dedicated themselves to a secret art
of self-defense and survival.
[MEN SHOUTING IN UNISON]
The art is so lethal that it has made the clan invincible.
To this day, we are known as
Ninjas.
Twenty-five years ago,
an ancient legend of this sacred art came alive.
It spoke of a foreign child who would come among us
and become a ninja master like none other.
How he arrived on our shores
will forever remain a mystery.
[BABY CRYING]
We ninjas thought that this child would be the Great White Ninja
of the legend.
[MAN SHOUTING COMMAND]
[SHOUTING IN UNISON]
We were wrong.
[SHOUTS COMMAND]
[SHOUTING IN UNISON]
We were very wrong.
[SHOUTING COMMAND]
[SHOUTING IN UNISON]
[YELPING]
Haru! Haru!
Sensei! Sensei!
[SHOUTING IN UNISON]
[COALS SIZZLING]
[MOANING]
[GROANS]
GOBEI: Haru!
[YELLS]
[LAUGHING]
[YELLS]
[SIZZLING]
SENSEI: Haru.
[EXHALES]
[YELLS]
[SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
[HARU YELPING]
Gobei.
I need your honest opinion about something.
Yes, Sensei.
What do you think of Haru?
I love my little brother.
His heart's like a flower.
His determination is like a tiger.
Gobei.
He's fat, he's a fool
and he's an embarrassment to ninjas everywhere.
[SIGHS]
Today, I am proud to be your sensei.
This is that special time
when I can say to you,
"You are a ninja."
You can communicate with other ninjas by projecting yourself
onto the plane of enlightenment.
Remember,
on this plane...Whoa!
...which can be shared by no other mortal...Sensei!
[SCREAMS]
...we can always contact each other, wherever we may be.
As a ninja, you are one with the universe.
[HARU YELLING]
No!
[GROANS]
All of you who are graduating today will receive the medallion
of the Tengu warrior.
However, I give the golden medallion to my finest student.
Gobei.
[GRUNTS]
Forged in the fires of confidence and discipline.
Carry it with you always.
Sorry, Haru.
Congratulations, big brother.
Wait! Sensei, wait for me!
Sensei, I am so excited about tonight!
I have been waiting for such a long time.
Haru, tonight's exercise is for the ninjas only.
But your job is an important one.
You are to remain here to protect the village
and guard the dojo.
I shall do as you say. I shall protect the village.
I shall guard the dojo, and I shall water the plants.
[SPEAKS JAPANESE]
Good luck. Good luck.
Stay low, so as not to be detected.
Good luck, my brother.
[KUNG FU FIGHTINGPLAYING]
Do not try it.
Don't try it!
[YELPS IN PAIN]
Are you communicating with me?
[YELLING]
Hello?
Excuse me. Is this the Takagure Dojo?
[STUTTERING]
I'm sorry. This must be the wrong place.
No, no! Please do not go! I mean...
Yes, this is the Takagure Dojo.
Oh, thank goodness.
Let me take your shoes.
Oh...
Thank you.
I was told that I could find a ninja here.
Really? Uh, please, sit.
Wait!
Thank you.
That's very impressive.
So are you a ninja?
Yes. Yes, I am.
But you're white.
Ah, you are observant as well as beautiful.
I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to find a white ninja.
Do not be fooled by the color of my skin.
Have you not heard of the white child who will grow up
to become the greatest ninja master of all time?
No. Is that you?
Some say it is so.
You see, it is written in this holy writ.
This holds the teachings of all Ninjutsu,
which have been passed down from generation to generation over five centuries.
And in this writ, there's a legend about a Great White Ninja?
Yes. You see here.
"In the 16th century, there came to pass..."
Oh! This is the wrong writ.
This is about the sensei and the 18-year-old twin geishas.
Also a good legend, but...
Not the one we are looking for.
Ah. Here is my legend.
"It is foretold that a foreign child will come among them
"and become a ninja master like no other."
It's burning.
Yes, the words have been seared into my soul as well.
No, no. I mean it's really on fire!
Yes, I can tell that. Oh!
[CHUCKLES]
[GROANS]
They may have a second copy.
Please, tell me why you have come to my dojo.
I must warn you that what I'm gonna ask you to do might be dangerous.
Danger is my companion, Miss...
Sally. Sally Jones.
I am Haru.
Do not worry about Haru.
This ninja knows no fear.
You see, I am a trained master
in each of the weapons of battle.
That rack was not built by ninjas.
This, however, was.
Whoa!
[EXHALES]
Luck is with me,
for this sacred shrine holds the ashes
of our fallen ninja warriors.
[SCREAMS]
Sensei is going to kill me!
Takure!
Master Go!
Tampo?
Kai?
I think they worked as a team.
Tell me why you are in need of a ninja.
I have heard that ninjas are good at getting into places without being seen.
This is very important,
because what I need requires great stealth.
Ah, you are in luck.
You see, my highest grades were in stealth.
Let me give you an example.
Please close your eyes, turn around and count to nine.
When you open them, I will be gone.
Okay.
One,
two,
three,
four,
five,
six,
seven,
eight,
[GROANS]nine.
[PANTING] Hello?
Haru?
Here I am.
Sally Jones, I will accept your dangerous mission.
Oh, that's great. Thank you.
Here's my problem. I'm seeing this man.
Oh, you have a man friend.
Yes. And I've become suspicious of him lately.
He is probably seeing another woman.
I think it's bigger than that.
I've discovered that he has a meeting tomorrow at 7:00 down by the harbor.
Excellent. You, too, should be a ninja.
I need you to find out what he's up to.
His name's Martin Tanley, and he has a limousine with this license plate number.
"3-5-1-0-2."
Where shall I contact you?
It's important that you don't try to contact me.
I'll contact you before I go back to the States.
Whatever you wish.
I will follow your boyfriend, Sally Jones.
My eyes will be like the tentacles of a squid.
Good. I guess.
Thank you.
[EXHALING]
[GRUNTING]
Aha!
HARU: Ha! Yes. I've got you.
[GATE SQUEAKS]
[GRUNTS]
Good morning, Mr. Tanley.
Nobu.
It's all set. He'll meet us here.
Let's have a look at it then.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Oh, yes! It's a perfect counterfeit.
Yes, one we can duplicate 10 million times.
HARU: Aha, Martin Tanley.
Attack me with your front gate,
I come in the back door.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, yes. They are beautiful.
I have some bad news.
What?
I have the plates for only one side of the bill.
Excuse me?
We tried to obtain the plates for other side,
but the plates are held up Los Angeles.
TANLEY: Why are they held up? I don't know.
You're paid well to know.
I arranged to get this set of plates.
I've just paid a million dollars
for one side of a 10,000 yen bill.
What good does that do me?
No good.
Well, here's some advice for your next life.
Never take a job you can't complete.
[GUNSHOT]
[GASP]
[SIREN WAILING]
[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]
[GASPING]
[SCREAMS]
Cold!
Sensei, I am sorry I posed as a ninja,
but this woman needed my help.
It's you who needs help.
I have learned the police believe a ninja committed a murder.
Believe me, Sensei, I killed no one.
I do believe you, Haru, but I'm worried.
Do not worry about me. It is the woman who is in trouble.
Haru, does it not seem likely that this woman
hired you because she wanted someone she could blame for this murder?
She is incapable of such things.
She is as lovely as a dove!
It sounds to me you are being led around by your short sword.
Gobei called her hotel.
There is no one named Sally Jones.
A woman such as you described had the name Alison Page.
Aha, perhaps she gave the hotel a false name.
Perhaps she gave you the false name.
Sensei, believe me, this woman is telling the truth!
Haru, you are unable to tell truth from untruth.
That is impossible. My ninja intuition tells me this.
You do not have ninja intuition.
You do not even have normal intuition.
Sensei, all my feelings tell me Sally Jones is in trouble.
I must go to America to protect her.
What makes you think you can find her in America?
I have this.
My mission is clear. I must go to the hills of Beverly,
find Sally Jones and save her,
and prove, once and for all, that I am the Great White Ninja.
HARU: I will miss you. Goodbye.
Yes, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Sayonara. Goodbye.
[THUD]
[MOANING]
Gobei, I have always looked up to you,
and you have always looked out for me.
But now it is time that I look out for myself.
Be careful in your travels, Haru.
The world is a dangerous place.
Okay.
Thank you, big brother.
Though I think it is wrong for you to make this journey,
Haru, I want you to take this.
Sensei!
Use them only for necessities.
[BUS HORN HONKS]
Believe in yourself, my son.
I know you will succeed.
Thank you, Sensei.
There is no better father that a boy could have had.
[HORN HONKING]
Go.
Wait! Wait! Wait up!
Goodbye, everyone!
I'm surprised, but I'm going to miss him.
No, you will not, because you are going with him.
No, please! Anything but that!
Gobei!
HARU: Goodbye, my family!
See you, and don't worry.
[EXCLAIMING IN PAIN]
You'll become his shadow. No one can know you are helping him.
Especially Haru.
Goodbye, everyone!
[THUDDING] Oh!
I'll take your bag.
[ALARM BEEPING]
[EXCLAIMING]
Empty your pockets, please.
[BEEPING]
[CLANKING]
I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do,
but as part of my creed I cannot tell you.
You see, my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret.
I cannot reveal it to you.
Why not?
Because I would then have to kill you.
Daddy!
Daddy, he said he was gonna kill me!
What'd you say to my kid?
I was merely relating to the child the importance of...
[GROANING]
[TURNING JAPANESEPLAYING]
That's it. Grab it.
What?
♪ I got your picture
♪ Of me and you
[GRUNTING]
♪ You wrote, "I love you"
♪ I love you, too
[GROANING]
[HARU YELLING]
♪ I got your picture I got your picture
♪ I got to thinking of you All by myself
[TIRES SQUEALING]
♪ To take a picture
♪ So I can look at you from inside as well
♪ You've got to tell me not to tell you
♪ That I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
[CAR HORN HONKING]
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
[HORN HONKING]
Thanks, asshole.
You are welcome.
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
♪ I think so
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
What happened?The plates have been taken
by a small gang called the Kobudosai.
I don't care what they're called. I want them back.
It's being arranged,
but it's gotta be done delicately, not like in Japan.
Nobu, this is Beverly Hills. Everyone behaves delicately.
Why do you think crooks like me are so well-respected?
Ah, my dear.
How was your shopping? Shall we have some lunch?
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
♪ I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
May I take your bag?
Oh! Thanks, asshole.
You're welcome, sir.
Ah, you see, Sensei,
it is all coming together.
Seventy-three minutes to deliver two suitcases and one garment bag.
Do you have an explanation, Mr. Washington?
Yes, sir. I seem to be comin' down with a mild case of, uh,
tunnel carpal syndrome in my wrist.
I think it's from carrying real heavy garment bags around.
Now, I don't want to go on disability
and sue this company for millions of dollars,
so I figured I would just pace myself.
Mr. Washington, everything you do irritates me.
I'm gonna go soak my wrists.
May I help you, sir?
Yes. I am looking for a Sally Jones.
I'm sorry. I don't see anyone by that name in my computer.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I think I would like to rent one of your lodgings.
Is the cost great?
Compared to what? A hut in a rice paddy?
Sir, we are a five-star hotel,
with 800 rooms booked six months in advance.
I have money.I'm sure you do.
Unfortunately, we don't take wampum.
Do you perhaps take gold?
Front!
Perhaps I shall send Dom Perignon to your room.
I prefer to be alone tonight.
Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.
1-A.
[GROANS] My wrists.
What you got in here, man? Car radios?
Here you go, sir. Welcome to the Rodeo Plaza Hotel.
[SNIFFING]
[YELLING]
What are you, a spy or somethin'?
A spy?
A spy is like a gnat compared to a ninja.
Ninja? You're a ninja?
Get outta here! You're a ninja!
Yes, I am a ninja.
I took a few karate lessons myself. I'm not as advanced as you.
I'm what you call a tangerine belt, uh, orange belt.
I'm one of them citrus colors. You know what I'm sayin'.
Very admirable. Then perhaps you will know what these are.
[EXCLAIMING]
[GASPS]
Man, that was dope!
What are you, like a third-degree black belt?
The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin
on a moonless night.
That's pretty black, man.
It is a black art.
And I, Haru, am the blackest of the black,
or actually, the great white... Black art...
Blackest Master.
Hey, man. Do you know what I do every day once I leave here?
No. what?
I'm runnin'. I'm always runnin', man.
My neighborhood's bad.
I gotta run to get cigarettes, milk, to take out the trash.
You know why? 'Cause whenever I leave my house,
there's somebody out there just waitin' to kick my ass.
You gotta show me a little bit of what you know.
Just a kick or a jab. Somethin'!
If I do this thing for you, you must give me your solemn promise
that you will not question my authority.
No problem, man! I went to catholic school.
[LAUGHS] All right, Joey.
I'll do what I can.
[YELLS]
Lesson number one, always be on your guard.
Always be on my guard. All right. You the ninja.
[CHUCKLES]
[YELLS]
Lesson number two,
your foe's back can quickly become his front.
Lesson 34, the final technique for ripping a man's head off
is by simply using your bare hands.
This requires hard work and discipline.
Years, sometimes decades to achieve.
I suggest that you practice on chickens.
Chickens?
Ninja secret. Chickens.
Ah, here is what I was looking for, Joey, my young friend.
A Beverly Hills disguise.
Something simple and natural, yet subtle and cunning.
You wait here.
I got your back.
You look like a pimp.
Thank you.
And as a pimp, I shall blend into Beverly Hills like MSG into miso soup.
It's time for me to find my dove, Joey.
How do you suppose we do that?
She is rich, she is beautiful, she is blonde.
How many rich, beautiful blondes could be in Beverly Hills?
Natural blondes?
I'm in. Let's do it.
No, no, no, Joey.
We are entering a dangerous phase of our mission.
Your slightest misstep could put Sally's life in jeopardy.
So I can't go with you?
[SCREAMS]Sally?
Oh, my God! Get away from me, you creep!
I thought we was homies, man! I thought you was my boy, my ninja!
I thought we was like this.
A ninja master knows best.
You're breaking rule number one, questioning my authority.
You're right. You got it. If you need me, I'll be at the hotel. Okay?
Okay, Joey. Good work today.
[ONE WAY OR ANOTHERPLAYING]
Sally? Sally?
Sally?
♪ One way or another I'm gonna find ya
♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha getcha, getcha
Sally! Sally Jones!
Sally!
♪ One way or another I'm gonna win ya
♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha getcha, getcha
Oh!
♪ One way or another I'm gonna see ya
♪ I'm gonna meet ya meet ya meet ya, meet ya
♪ One day maybe next week
♪ I'm gonna meet ya I'm gonna meet ya I'll meet ya ♪
Sally!
HARU: Sally! Sally Jones!
Whoa. I mistook you for a friend of mine.
You look so much like her. I mean, him.
Actually, up close, you don't look like either of them.
They are twins, and they...
This is nice. Excuse me.
I have to be going. Thank you.
♪ One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
♪ I'm gonna give you the slip a slip of the lip or another
♪ I'm gonna lose ya
♪ I'm gonna getcha I'll getcha I'll getcha, getcha, getcha
♪ One way or another
[EXCLAIMS] Sally! Sally Jones.
It is I, Haru!
Haru! What are you doing here?
You said you were in need of a ninja. I have come many miles,
and now travel disguised as a pimp to help you.
Just go away. Sally!
I have come to rescue you.
I don't need to be rescued. Just leave!
Ah. I see. Very smart.
For now it is better that you play along with them, not let them know I am here.
Here, take this.
I am very sorry to have to tell you this,
but your boyfriend is a counterfeiter and a killer.
A man like that, you can be certain he is cheating on you, too.
Do not despair, Sally Jones,
I will be ever vigilant, I will be watching your every move,
making sure that...
Do not be afraid, my dove.
I will be watching you.Hi.
TANLEY: Ah, there you are.
Now we will see who is the hunter and who is the prey,
Martin Tanley!
Martin Tanley, you have left a trail a sloth could follow.
[CHUCKLES]
[GIMME ALL YOUR LOVIN' PLAYING]
♪ Of what you got is Oh, so sweet
♪ You gotta make it hot
[MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]
Thanks for meeting us, Mr. Ozaru.
It is in both our interests to resolve our differences.
In that we are in perfect agreement.
Cut the bullshit. How much do you want for your plates?
You have it backwards, Mr. Tanley. It is the Kobudosai
who are gonna buy your plates.
Do you honestly think you can waltz in, grab the plates and run the show?
You don't have a choice, Mr. Tanley.
I will know. I will do.
I am one with the universe.
♪ Gimme all your lovin' All your hugs and kisses, too
Holy Shinto!
♪ Gimme all your lovin' Don't let up until we're through ♪
I am one with the universe. I am one with the universe.
I am...
[STUTTERING]
♪ Gimme all your lovin'
♪ All your hugs and kisses, too
No! I am not
one with the universe!
[GROANING]
♪ Gimme all your lovin'
Let's discuss how much we're
gonna give you for your plates.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[I'M TOO SEXYPLAYING]
♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt
♪ So sexy it hurts
♪ And I'm too sexy for Milan Too sexy for Milan
♪ New York and Japan
♪ And I'm too sexy for your party
♪ Too sexy for your party
♪ No way I'm disco dancing
[SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
♪ Yeah, on the catwalk On the catwalk, yeah ♪
BOUNCER: Get out!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[SCREAMING]
[GUNSHOT]
Holy Shinto!
Help! Police!
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
No! No! I did not do it!
[SCREAMING]
They...
Police! Help! Police!
This is the site of what looks to be a gangland murder last night in Little Tokyo.
Witnesses say the assailant had matching tattoos on his arms.
And may be what is called a ninja.
He matches an Interpol description of a man wanted in Japan for murder.
[JOEY SHOUTING GIBBERISH]
I'm gonna get you, baby! Come to papa, baby!
Keep practicing, Joey,
and someday you will choke that chicken.
[MUMBLING] For pity's sake.
Slobby and messin' up.
Gettin' in the way all the time.
Sensei.
SENSEI: Meditate on me, Haru,
and we'll meet on the plane of enlightenment.
HARU: [SCREAMING] No! No! I must concentrate!
I am one with the universe! I am one with the universe!
Here, Haru!
SENSEI: I am here.
[GROANS] I hate this!
[GROANS] Oh! Thank you, Sensei.
Hello, my son. Hello, Sensei.
There is a problem you are facing.
Not really. It's just that
I have been accused of another murder or two.
Come home, Haru.
I cannot, Sensei.
I need your help in finding Sally Jones.
I have considered several techniques.
I could find the names of all the BMW sales in the last five years,
checking on all the Joneses, then visiting them all, or...
You could try a phone book.
Oh! Yes! A phone book.
Then resume your quest.
I will, Sensei.
[SCREAMING]
No!
[HARU MUMBLING]
[GROWLING SOFTLY]
[CROW CAWING]
[DOG BARKING]
[DART WHISTLING]
[BIRD SQUAWKS]Oh!
[CHUCKLES]
You thought, perhaps, an experienced ninja
would not be ready for you.
[GROWLING]
I am Haru of the Takagure Dojo. Do not forget that.
[BARKING LOUDLY]
I am one with the universe! I am one with the universe!
I am one with the...
[BARKING]
[HARU SHRIEKING]
[DOG WHINING]
[PANTING]
I am Haru of the Takagure...
[GROANS]
HARU: [READING] "Alison."
[GASPS]
MAN: Hello, Alison. Hi. Did Martin say when he'd be back?
No, he didn't.Well, that's strange.
We have some business we're supposed to go over.
This morning he said 10:00.
Ah. It appears Sally is using her false name...
ALISON: I'll wait in the house. ...with these people, as well.
Very clever, Sally.
You really should be a ninja.
There is something wrong here.
It seems as though I am the only one who is calling her Sally Jones.
How could she do this to me?
Everything's fine here. How about there?
Outside looks good.
[INHALING DEEPLY]
[EXCLAIMING]
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[EXCLAIMING]
[GROANS]
[GROANING]
[CLATTERING]
[CAT SQUEALS]
[GASPS] Not again!
[GRUNTS] Okay.
[YELPS]
Up the rope.
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
[GOBEI SCREAMING]
Haru?
Do not move, Alison. Alison Page.
You have to get out of here! The guards could come, and they'll kill us both.
You are a liar, Sally! Sally Jones.
I'm sorry that I gave you a false name.
I only did it so that Tanley wouldn't discover that I hired you.
Your lies bounce off me like ping-pong balls.
I am not lying to you, Haru.
In fact, I have you to thank for helping me.
You found out what I needed to know.
I did? Yes!
Look. My sister Carla worked for Tanley.
Three months ago, she died mysteriously.
I suspected Tanley, but I couldn't prove anything until you came along.
But you are Tanley's girlfriend. You are in love with him.
No, Haru! I only got involved with him so I could find out what happened to Carla.
He doesn't even know I'm her sister.
I cannot tell the truth from the untruth.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
There's no time.
If I find the plates, I can put him away! You have to believe me.
I do believe you. I have never stopped believing in you.
You are not alone. The Great White Ninja is on your case.
Thank you, Haru.
[TANLEY TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
[WHISPERING] Quick, hide in the bedroom.
No, go, go, go!
Alison.
Hi.
What are you doing up here? I was looking for you.
I thought that maybe I'd make lunch for you.
Aren't you a darling. Sorry, I'm late. I have a meeting.
Wait.
[GROWLING]
[WHINING]
[THUDS]
Let me take you to The Grill. It's your favorite restaurant.
Really, I can't today. I'm in a bit of a hurry. Please?
Hopefully, I'll see you later.
Why don't you call one of your friends?
Go on, have a lovely afternoon.
Since I can't be with you, take them out to lunch instead.
Okay, have a great meeting.
Bye. Bye.
[CREAKING]
Haru?
[GASPS]
Good job.
Thank you.
I just don't know what to do. I've searched high and low,
and I can't find those plates anywhere.
Do not be disheartened. I know Tanley's next move.
I have discovered his schedule in this date book.
That's great.
[JAPANESE SONG PLAYING]
[DISHES CLATTER]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[SIZZLING]
[YELPING]
[EXCLAIMING]
[EXHALING]
[MOANING]
[SIZZLING]
HARU: Okay.
Uh...
[GRUNTING]
HARU: Hey, okay.
[EXCLAIMING]
Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp?
WOMAN: Oh!
Oh!
Okay. Oh, I gotcha.
[LAUGHS]
[SNIFFING]
[LAUGHING] Hey, look at this! Oops!
Word on the street is that what happened at the Neon Club could start a war.
If they want a war, they can have a war.
Do not underestimate the Kobudosai. They're ruthless.
We're not exactly kittens.
No want this.
[EXCLAIMING]
[GUNS COCKING]
This ink specialist tomorrow, have you met him?
No. Chet Walters. I'm told he's the best in the business.
Good, he'd better be. I want him to print the front half tomorrow.
I want no complications. What do you know about this ninja
the police think killed Ozaru and the other Kobudosai?
I think we're lucky the police have another suspect.
And a white ninja. Whoever heard of a white ninja, for God sakes?
[MUTTERING]
Tanley's at the first table on the right.
HARU: Okay! Hey. Oh!
[EXCLAIMING]
[DINERS EXCLAIMING]
Haru! Alison?
[IN A GIRL'S VOICE] Please, please don't!
You know how long it took me to do my hair?
[EXCLAIMING]
[GROWLING]
[GONG CLANGS]
[SIZZLING]
Hurry, my dove!
What the hell's she doing here?
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
I have learned how we will get to the plates!
You have? Yes.
That's great.
Hurry up, they're coming.
Do not be afraid. A ninja knows when he is in danger.
There! Shoot them!
Now we are in danger! We are really in danger.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[SQUAWKING] Oh!
I'm one with the chicken. I'm one with the chicken.
Keep practicing, Joey.
Where... Hmm.
Thank you for letting me stay here, Haru.
It is my pleasure, Alison.
Besides, there is no place for you to go.
You must stay here. Tanley will be watching your every move.
Especially your apartment.
You need not worry. I will protect you with all of my being.
[WEAPONS CLATTER]
[GOBEI YELPS]
I'm so lucky I found you.
You really are courageous.
Oh, Alison, if only I had caught Tanley in Japan,
today you would be basking in the safety of our dojo after a bath
where I would bring you soap and sweet-smelling oils
that you could rub all over your body,
and then...
I am sorry. I got carried away.
It's okay.
Your loyalty's most appreciated.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I guess it's time to turn in.
Yeah.
Do you want to sleep on the bed or the couch?
Uh, which would you prefer?
The couch is fine for me.
Oh. That would be fine for me, too.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Good night.
♪ I think we're alone now
[BELCHES]
Do not worry, my dove. He is simply an ink specialist.
He will suspect nothing. As we talked about, you will distract him,
and I will use the ninja sleep hold...
[GRUNTS] ...to incapacitate him.
Are you ready?Yeah. Let's go.
Hi.
Hi, there! Welcome to Beverly Hills Bank Note.
I'm Chet Walters. Nice coat. Who shot the couch?
[ALL LAUGH]
What can I do you for?
Our car broke down. Would you mind if I used your phone?
Oh! Don't get me started on car problems!
I got a 1975 Fairmont. That thing is about as hard to turn over
as me on Laguna Beach!
[ALL LAUGH]
I'm just buggin' with you. Auto Club number's 555-9300.
Thank you.
Whoo! Yeah, the AAA.
I knew a guy who started off in AAA, then ended up in AA.
He got busted for DUI.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY]
Hello, is this the Auto Club?
Hey, what are you doing?
Are you not familiar with the art of shiatsu massage?
Shiatsu? Watch your language. There's a lady present.
[LAUGHS] I remember when I was playing ball in Wisconsin,
these two cheerleaders lathered me up like a wet...
[GRUNTS]
[YELPS]
Get off me! I'm calling the cops! Give me the phone!
Not a ninja technique, but effective.
Let's get him in the back.
What are you doing?
I am preparing one of our greatest ninja tools, the laughing mushroom.
One pinch of this and he cannot help but tell us the truth
about his business with Tanley.
Careful, Alison. The effects of a tiny spore are profound.
Open his mouth.
[SNEEZES]
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'm involved in counterfeiting some money!
Big deal!
If I get caught, I could do 30 years.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Tanley is a killer! He killed her sister!
[ALL LAUGHING HARDER]
When he's done, he'll probably kill you.
When are you to meet him?
Ten minutes.
And if you're here when he gets here,
he'll probably kill all of us!
[CHOKING]
I don't think we should.
I'm sorry. I was, uh...
I wasn't trying to...
I was merely trying to get close to the temple, not inside.
I wasn't... Just wanted to climb the steps
and maybe peek at the sacred object.
Hey! How ya doin'? Chet Walters, Mr. Tanley.
Say, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?
[LAUGHING]
Very funny, Mr. Walters. Are you ready to go?
You betcha! Say, your buggy or mine?
Mine, I think. Okay.
Whoa. gotta get the gear, here.
Can't start an operation without the gear!
And here we are, off to the wild blue yonder.
Mr. Walters, you don't mind, do you? A small precaution.
Oh, mind? Hell, no!
Makes you feel more comfortable. I just wanna know one thing.
How you gonna drive with that on?
It's for you.
Right, of course it is. Let's play pin the tail on the donkey!
Who's got the pinata?
Hear about the lady that backed into the fan? Dis-assed-her!
Mr. Walters, I don't care.
Okay. You bet. Gotcha.
All righty. Here we go.
HARU: Tanley, you pick up guys and do this all the time?
[HARU LAUGHS]
Hey, who's drivin' this buggy, anywho?
Let me guess. Don't tell me.
Carol Channing!
[LAUGHING]
Tanley, mind if I borrow one of these? I got a blind date.
A blind date! Oh!
Whoa. Wowser. Which way's he takin' us?
Through the Grand Canyon?
[LAUGHING]
Where'd he learn to drive? Cooking school?
[EXCLAIMING] Thank God we made it.
Oh! Okay. Let's take the blindfold off.
That's what she said! She said!
[LAUGHING]
Don't you think I ought to do the work before you pay me?
This is the real bill. I want a printed proof copy by the end of the day.
I want it exactly like this.Right.
No problem, Mr. Tanley. Hold the phone a second.
Whoa! Old faithful!
[LAUGHING]
Ah! Yeah. End of the day, huh?
You sure you don't want it sooner? They don't call me the best for nothing.
[SIGHS]
I'm standin' there in a thong speedo,
hiking boots and a backpack!
You try catchin' a ride dressed like that in the middle of winter.
I had...
[EXCLAIMS]
What happened?
Bug must have bit me.
You know, I got a brother in pest control.
You blindfold him, bring him on over. He'll nuke every last cockroach in this dump.
Could we please get to work?
Okay. Hey!
I see you got the t200 split-level printing press!
These came out about the same time
I was printing leaflets for the Shave the Whale campaign!
You mean "Save the Whale."
Oh, is that what you did with 'em?
[LAUGHING]
Nobu, keep an eye on him.
Maybe it was "Starve the Whales!"
HARU: Okey-dokey.
Let's see what we got bakin' in the oven.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not yet a match.
Okay, well.
It looks like we are one degree Celsius off on that, uh, magenta color.
I guess I'm gonna have to, uh,
quantify the 7-F reading on this,
and that would run it through with the surface gravity viscosity.
Uh, I could plug it into the Marshall formula, and that would, uh,
that would give me a more accurate mix design.
To me, they're just a little bit off.
What I could do on that is run a pap smear, uh, test
and then, uh, tone it down a little bit.
[DOOR OPENING]
Hello, Mr. Tanley!
What the hell is that?
Now you can see what I'm up against!
I've got to rethink my inks.
So, uh, what I could do is, I could swing back to my shop
and, uh, be gone not more than five minutes.
You could blindfold me if you'd like. I kind of liked that anyway!
[METAL CLATTERING]
How'd that get in there?
Who are you?
Chet Walters, ink specialist.
[CLATTERING]
I am Haru of the Takagure Dojo,
and if you value your life, you will...
TANLEY: Come on, let's get him!
Open this door! Let us out of here!
Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Did I say "ninja"?
I meant "ninny." Haru, you are such a ninny.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
[GRUNTS]
[YELPS]
[MOANING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
What did you do with Walters?
You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a ninja does not talk.
Ninja? You're a ninja?
You're the big, fat ninja everyone's talking about, aren't you?
Great White Ninja.
Just received the call. The meeting with the Kobudosai is arranged.
Good. Tie him up and throw him in the back of the van.
Get rid of him later.
MAN: You'll have to check your guns. The Kobudosai checked theirs.
Haru!My dove!
Are you all right?
Yes! I am fine.
Let me get this blindfold off.
It is in the spirit of harmony we meet here today.
It is important to our community an agreement be reached.
Stop squirming. I've got to get these ropes untied.
The ninja way is to visualize the straightness of the rope.
It will begin to untie itself.
Or a knife is good.
My suggestion is that you allow us to make your plates our plates.
Honored elder?
You know I have great respect for you,
but I rule in favor of Mr. Tanley.
You won't get away with this.
Yes, I will.
[GUN COCKING]
I will capture these criminals and make them face the American justice system.
Be careful!
Nobu.
[GRUNTS]
Where's the ninja gone?
I don't know.
Never mind. Let's go.
That's right. The Little Tokyo Temple.
Wait. stop the van. Stop the van!
Alison, what a coincidence. Allow me to give you a lift.
Haru!
Get your hands off me!
Help me!
Alison!
[SIRENS WAILING]Haru, help!
Help me! Help!
Alison!
[SIRENS WAILING]
You! Hands in the air. It's him, the white ninja.
Do not shoot! I am on your side!
[GRUNTS]
POLICEMAN 1: Come on, let's get him!
POLICEMAN 2: Over here! POLICEMAN 3: I got him!
[ALL CLAMORING]
Give me a hand. Open the door.
Keep his head down.
[GRUNTS]
[SIREN WAILING]
Alison, what have I done?
[SIGHS]
He's an idiot! I cannot do this anymore.
I had to escape from jail! I am coming home.
Do not be rash, Gobei.Rash!
He has made every mistake in the ninja book!
HARU: Sensei!
He is coming. Hide behind those clouds.
HARU: I hate this!
[EXCLAIMING]
Hello, Haru.
Hello, Sensei.
How are you, my son?
I have tried, but I have failed.
That is never true.
I want so desperately to be a great ninja like Gobei, but...
Haru, you must stop comparing yourself to Gobei.
Why, Sensei? He is the best ninja ever.
I hope that he knows that I love him.
All I have ever wanted was his respect.
My son, we would all be lucky to have a heart as big as yours.
In fact, Gobei will not become a great ninja until he learns that lesson.
I tried to stop this mission because I feared for you.
But I was wrong. You must continue.
I must? Yes.
Go. Save Alison. It is your duty as a ninja.
Sensei, you just called me a ninja.
Yes, I guess I did.
Go now.
[LAUGHS]
Oh! Oh, sorry. I can do it.
[SCREAMING]
[GROANS]
[GASPING]
Patrice, my car, please. Joey, you're coming with me.
All right!
Who is stealing my shoes?
There's no time to waste, Joey.
I'm with ya.
Thanks, asshole.
My pleasure, sir.
JOEY: Hey!
[BRAKES SCREECH]
What are we doin'?
Using my perfect ninja sense memory,
I will recreate the trip to Tanley's warehouse.
Huh?
Drive, Joey.
Oh! I get to drive? All right. Come on.
We goin' like Morgan Freeman.
HARU: Now turn right.
Okay, okay.
Oh! There was a bump. This is good.
Good.
There was a right after a bump.
Right after the bump. Okay. oh, oh, ohhh!
Take off the blindfold! What's wrong with you?
I know just where we are.
[RACE BELL RINGING] We are on the right track, Joey.
We on the track, all right!
Yes. Yes.
[EXCLAIMS]
I do not remember hearing thunder.
[SCREAMS]
There's gotta be a curve somewhere!
Turn right, now!
I'm turning!
Ah. This is good. I hear water. Now turn right.
♪ Low rider
Now left, towards the water. Yes!
I think we're too close to the water.
We should go back!
You led us astray.
I didn't lead us nowhere!
I cannot swim. Joey!
Swim?
Oh, my God! What's happening?
Something's touching my face.
Joey, these sea creatures! Help me!
Head towards the mainland!
Mainland?
Yes! The mainland. The sea is foamy.
You have wandered way off course.
Joey, the wind is picking up.
The weather in America fluctuates violently.
Maybe we should go for cover.
♪ Low rider Don't drive too fast ♪
Joey, what is that smell?
[SNIFFS] Pina colada.
I like it.
You must listen to my directions, Joey.
I'm goin' where you said.
I have to drive.
I will... I'm goin'...
You must listen at all times.
I'm sorry.
We must try it again.
And this time, Joey, you must follow my directions exactly.
Okay, no problem.
There, I am ready.
Everybody in my family like to drive...
HARU: You may drive now.
Joey! You may drive now.
You should consider yourself lucky, Alison. You've lived 24 hours longer
than anyone else who's ever betrayed me,
which is why I brought you this present, a little bang.
But don't worry, you'll vaporize before you feel a thing.
I wish I'd killed you months ago.
The feeling's mutual. The difference is,
[TIMER BEEPS]
I'm able to rectify my mistake.
Somebody help me!
HARU: Joey, do not let up. We are nowhere near our destination.
Joey, take a left. Joey!
Why are we stopping here? Joey?
Joey!
So we have entered the serpent's lair.
Joey. Joey.
You are a fragile boy.
[GROWLING]
[SHUSHING] Quiet, quiet.
[GRUNTING] Here we go.
My short sword!
[TARZAN BOYPLAYING ON CAR RADIO]
Yeah!
[EXCLAIMS]
There you go, ninja boy!
[EXCLAIMING]
Yeah! Mr. Dojo rising! Go for it! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
[SCREAMING] No!
Yeah!
[GRUNTING]
I made it.
Well, if it isn't the Great White Ninja.
Welcome back. Congratulations on making it this far,
but I'm afraid this is where your legend ends.
Only when I have ceased to breathe will I be dead, Tanley.
Get rid of him.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Gobei, what are you doing here?
I come to help you, my brother.
This has always been my dream. Let us kick some yakuza ass!
Yeah!
Gobei!
That's all right. I can climb. I can climb.
So sorry, Gobei!
Haru, don't you think you should go save Alison?
Yes, but can you manage without me?
I will try!
ALISON: Somebody help me!
Alison, is that you?
Yes! Haru, help me!
All right!
Hurry. Please hurry!
Stop! Haru!
Alison, can you come any closer? I will untie you.
There's no time! There's a bomb in here.
Alison, have no fear. I will defuse the bomb.
I can see now. Ah, it is simple.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Yes. There. I have done it!
PHONE RECORDING: We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed.
Please check the number and dial again.
[BEEPING]
[BEEP]
ALISON: Oh, great!
We've just lost five minutes!
Oops.
Brother!
Alison, my dove, hang on!
Alison, how much time is left?
Four minutes.
Do not worry, Alison. I will return.
I may not be the best ninja,
I may not be one with the universe,
but I will tell you this, no one messes with my brother!
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ In fact it was a little bit frightening
♪ But they fought with expert timing
♪ They were funky Chinamen
Go, Haru. Yeah!
♪ From funky Chinatown
♪ They were chopping them up
GOBEI: Look out, Haru!
♪ And they were chopping them down
♪ It's an ancient Chinese art
♪ And everybody knew their part
So sorry.
All right.
♪ From a feint into a slip
♪ And kicking from the hip
Here I come!
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Are you all right, my brother?
Yes, Haru.
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning ♪
[SCREAMING]
Nicely done, Joey!
ALISON: Haru!
Alison!
Haru, hurry!
[GUN COCKING]
HARU: Martin Tanley.
HARU: [LAUGHING] I'm over here.
So now you are out of bullets.
GOBEI: Haru, look out!
Oh!
[MAGAZINE CLICKS]
[TANLEY CHUCKLES]
[BULLETS RICOCHETING]
Uh-uh.
ALISON: Haru!
Alison!
Come on!
Do not worry, Alison.
Haru, 40 seconds.
Haru!
Get out of there!
Hey! Oh!
Thirty seconds, Haru!
Hang in there, my dove!
In a few moments, you will be as free as a bird.
[SCREAMING]
ALISON: Haru!
Alison, Alison!
Haru!
Are we dead?
No! You did it.
I did?
Yes.
[LAUGHING]
Thank you, Haru. Thank you.
I cannot say this has been an easy mission.
Haru, you are without a doubt the greatest ninja of all time.
Believe it or not, there were times when I doubted myself.
[LAUGHS]
[SIRENS WAILING]
What a fool I was!
[SCREAMS]
Haru! Haru!
Thank you, big brother. It'll be all right now.
You did good, Haru.
Thank you, brother.
Sorry about your head. I was going for Tanley.
Reports here are that a group of ninjas
foiled an attempted counterfeiting operation.
I am live with one of those ninjas now.
This may be odd, but I was under the impression that ninjas are Japanese,
and you seem to be black.
Do not be fooled by the color of my skin.
You're a television reporter.
I'm sure you've heard the legend of the Great Black Ninja.
I haven't. Is that you?
Some say it is so.
You have done well, Haru. I am proud.
Whether I am or am not the Great White Ninja, Sensei,
you made me believe in myself.
Though it will sadden me to see you leave, I'm happy for you.
I realize that I will be of better use in a place
where they do not have many great ninjas.
I will return with my dove to the land of opportunity, Beverly Hills.
Haru.
Whether you are the chosen one or not,
I would choose to fight alongside you anytime.
Here.
Good luck, my brother.
My arm, Haru! It's okay.
Alison and I must leave.
Goodbye.Goodbye.
It's amazing. I think he's really changed.
HARU: Bye, Sensei! Bye, Gobei.
Haru! Sensei! Haru, stop!
Sensei! Stop the bus now! Haru!
Stop! Give me my medallion back!
Haru!
[SCREAMS]
Hi, Gobei.
Gobei!
♪ Yeah, yeah
I am sorry, big brother!
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ In fact it was a little bit frightening
♪ But they fought with expert timing
♪ They were funky Chinamen from funky Chinatown
♪ They were chopping them up
♪ And they were chopping them down
♪ It's an ancient Chinese art Everybody played their part
♪ From a feint into a slip And kicking from the hip
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ In fact it was a little bit frightening
♪ But they fought with expert timing
♪ There was funky Billy Chin And little Sammy Chung
♪ He said, "Here comes the big boys Let's get it on"
♪ We took a bow and made a stand
♪ Started swinging with the hand
♪ The sudden motion made me skip
♪ And now we're into a brand new trip
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ In fact it was a little bit frightening
♪ But they fought with expert timing
[VOCALIZING]
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ In fact it was a little bit frightening
♪ But they fought with expert timing
♪ Everybody was kung-fu fighting, baby
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning
♪ In fact it was a little bit frightening
♪ But they fought with expert timing
♪ Expert timin'
♪ Kung fu fightin'
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Kung fu fightin'
♪ Yeah Kung fu fightin'
♪ Baby, baby baby, baby, baby Kung fu fightin'
♪ Kung fu fightin'
♪ They did it with expert timing
♪ Yeah Kung fu fightin'
[VOCALIZING]
♪ Kung fu fightin'
[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]
♪ I know I finally got it
♪ Figured out Got it all figured out
♪ I know I finally got it
♪ Figured out
♪ Got it all figured out
♪ I know I finally got it
♪ Figured out
♪ Got it all figured out
♪ I know I finally got it
♪ Figured out
♪ Got it all figured out