>>> the following is an address
From the president of the united
States.
>> good evening.
In the next few days, the u.S.
House of representatives and the
Senate will be voting on a vital
Piece of legislation.
It is a tax package worked out
By this white house and
Republican congressional
Leaders.
And it is absolutely essential
That it pass.
Both to extend unemployment
Benefits to those out of work
And to prevent a massive tax
Increase on the american middle
Class.
At a time when the economy can
Least afford it.
Now, I know that many of you are
Unhappy with parts of this
Proposal.
Especially that includes tax
Cuts for those making over
$250,000 a year.
But the simple fact is, this
White house had no choice.
Republican leaders insisted on
Tax cuts for the wealthy, and as
As I said in my press conference
Monday, they had decided to hold
Us hostage.
Literally.
They held us hostage in all for
About three days.
Bound, bagged, blindfolded in a
Dark room somewhere outside
Washington.
It was a terrifying experience.
It, really.
And here's something else.
The stockholm syndrome where
Hostages come to identify and
Agree with their captors, that's
A real phenomenon.
It really is.
I learned that for myself when
On the fourth day I suddenly
Decided that I kind of agreed
With the republican philosophy
Of trickle-down economics.
That's why, to me, the tax cuts
For the wealthy aren't a big
Problem.
They're the best part of the
Bill.
You watch.
I predict the rich will use that
Extra money to go out and create
Jobs.
Millions and millions of jobs.
It's like rush said on his show
The other day.
I never got hired by a poor
Person.
So if house speaker nancy pelosi
Or as I now like to call her,
San francisco nancy, would just
Stop her obstructionist tactics
And let this bill come to a
Vote, we can get our economy
Moving again.
Now, san francisco nancy and her
Democrat pals need to understand
That six weeks ago the american
People went to the polls and
Overwhelmingly rejected their
San francisco values and their
Class warfare politics.
One more thing.
I would be remiss were I to
Appear before you tonight and
Not express my extreme
Disappointment, perhaps outrage
Is a better word, at the unjust
Treatment accorded bristol palin
Recently on "dancing with the
Stars."
The judges' decision was a
Travesty.
And I join the first lady as
Well as her fellow mama
Grizzlies in condemning it.
Well, that's all for tonight.
I will see you next week in
Tampa, florida, when I join
Glenn beck and bill o'reilly as
Part of our bold fresh tour.
Now, in closing, let me reassure
You that however long it takes,
This nation's current troubles
Will pass.
Because you americans never have
And never will give up.
I say you americans because even
Though I always thought I was
Born here -- uh, lately I've
Begun to have my doubts.
Thank you and live from new
York, it's Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
With --
Fred armisen
Abby elliott
Bill hader
Seth meyers
Bobby moynihan
Andy samberg
Jason sudeikis
Kenan thompson
Kr
Kristen wiig
Featuring vanessa bayer
Paul brittain
Taran killam
Nasim pedrad
Jay pharoah
Musical guest paul mccartney.
And your host, paul rudd!
Ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd!
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
-- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
It is so great to be hosting
"Saturday night live" for the
Second time.
The first time I was nervous.
But I must have done something
Right, because this time when I
Walked into the studio, there
Were all these people lined up
Freezing cold chanting
"paul!
Paul!
Paul!"
[ laughter ]
All for me!
Paul rudd!
And those fans, they're intense.
One lady was out there, she was
Crying just because she was like
In my presence.
[ laughter ]
Can you imagine?
Then someone yelled out,
"yesterday."
Which, I guess, is a reference
To the npr interview I gave
Yesterday.
[ laughter ]
I didn't think anybody was
Listening to that.
To be honest, some of those
Fans know a little too much
About me.
Like one guy screamed "her
Majesty," which is my nickname
On movie sets among the crew.
[ laughter ]
I don't know how they found that
Out.
Internet, I guess.
Most of all, they were just
Screaming my name, "paul, paul,
Paul!"
It was incredible.
[ cheers and applause ]
How are you?
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you.
>> really, I mean, to be here
With you -- oh.
Oh.
They were cheering -- yeah, they
Were cheering for you.
>> well, I was cheering for you.
I loved "role models."
>> oh, that's so nice.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
No disrespect.
I'm just glad we cleared up this
Whole paul bit.
>> yo, yo, yo, feature player
Paul brittain is in the mother
Freaking house!
[ cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
>> oh.
Sorry.
>> he seemed nice.
>> he's new.
Anyway, we've got a great show.
>> all sorts of pauls are here.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> stick around, we'll be right
Back!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> even your cat.
That's why we at pet chalet
Asked a panel of premier
European chefs to create the
Ultimate menu.
Introducing feline culinary
Creations.
Handcrafted gourmet meals you
Can proudly bring to your cat's
Table.
Recipes like filet with shiitake
Demi glace.
Salmon carpaccio with lobster
Medallions.
A trio of braised lamb, venison
Ravioli and broccoli rabe.
Sweet and sour crab with minor
Lemon.
So show your cat what fine
Dining is all about.
Feline culinary creations.
For the love of your cat.
[ applause ]
>>> I'm kind of nervous to meet
The whole family.
>> don't worry.
Holidays with my family are
Great.
>> who is that out there?
>> just a couple of christmas
Elves.
>> oh, austin.
Oh, you're here.
I can't believe it.
Look at my man.
He's all grown up.
>> I don't have my glasses on.
Is that george clooney?
>> dad.
>> what a great guy.
I'm so proud of you.
>> mom, I'd like you to meet my
Girlfriend, amanda.
>> amanda, we're so glad you
Could spend the holidays with
Us.
>> welcome.
I remember when I first brought
My first girlfriend home for
Christmas.
She was mighty nervous.
>> how did it go?
>> I married her.
>> oh, that's me.
>> numb nuts roasting on an open
Fire.
>> hey, duane.
This is amanda.
>> you're a step up.
His last steady girl was a
Blow-up doll.
>> easy, bro.
>> just kidding.
Feliz navidad.
Mmm.
[ laughter ]
>> wow.
>> a very pricey wreath there,
Duane.
>> I earned some extra dough
Breaking down boxes.
>> a hard worker.
>> I learned from you.
[ laughter ]
>> hey, mom, do you have any
More gum?
>> oh, no, but here, honey, take
My piece.
[ laughter ]
[ audience ohs ]
[ laughter ]
>> thanks.
Babe, you want some gum?
>> I don't like gum.
>> hey, everybody.
>> who's that?
>> not a family christmas
Without our relatives from
Romania.
>> uncle, get over here.
How you doing?
[ kissing noises ]
>> and now we kiss like romanian
Vogelcheck.
>> come here, I missed you.
>> uncle vlad and my aunt
Traveled all the way from a tiny
Village thousands of miles just
To be with us.
>> oh, my gosh.
[ doorbell rings ]
>> I'll get it.
>> welcome, stranger.
>> hello.
I'm sorry to bother you, but my
Sleigh -- my car broke down.
May I use your telephone?
>> of course.
During the holidays, our home is
Open to all.
>> thank you.
>> I know what!
Let's do the traditional
Vogelcheck christmas dance!
>> yeah!
>> what's the dance?
>> oh, you'll be able to follow
Along.
♪
♪ a one and a two ♪
[ kissing sounds ]
♪
>> okay.
Okay.
Um, you know what, austin?
I think my family might be
Missing me.
Maybe I should go.
>> but, babe, duane's friends
Are coming over.
>> oh, hold on, hold on.
Stop right there.
I know what's going on.
You saw all this kissing, and
You got uncomfortable.
I'll tell you a little story.
Vlad and elena here have been
Married for 60 years.
They have survived communism, a
World war and the justified
Stoning of their daughter,
Lishka.
[ light laughter ]
But every day before vlad goes
Out into the field, he and elena
Hug and kiss.
It means I love you.
And we do.
We're vogelchecks.
>> and I think I'm going to
Spend the holidays right here
With the vogelczehecks.
>> everyone's welcome.
Even that guy using the phone.
Where is he?
>> he's gone!
Look, there's more presents
Under the tree.
>> ho, ho, ho, merry christmas!
>> you mean that was --
Santa!
[ laughter ]
[ audience ohs ]
>> merry christmas to all.
♪
[ applause ]
>> ho, ho, ho, happy holidays
From the vogelchecks!
>>> and now it's time to play --
>> all: What's that name?
>> and here's your host,
Vince white!
[ applause ]
>> hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
And welcome to "what's that
Name?"
The rules are simple.
We show you a person, you tell
Us their name.
Our contestants today are jake
A cfo at smith and price.
And carolyn, a senior partner at
Chapman real estate.
The first question goes to jake.
He's subway's number one
Spokesman.
What's that name?
>> jared fogle.
[ ding ]
>> 20 bucks for you.
[ light laughter ]
Carolyn, you're up.
He's the second lead in the film
"saving silverman."
What's that name?
>> oh, I know this.
Steve zahn.
[ ding ]
>> $20 for you.
Now it's time to up the ante.
Jake, this next one is for
$10,000.
[ laughter ]
And here to read the clue is the
Man himself.
♪
>> I've been your doorman for
Four years.
[ laughter ]
I open the door for you every
Day.
I've always got a joke and a
Smile.
What's my name?
>> hey, man.
[ laughter ]
How's it hanging?
>> low and lazy.
What's my name?
I know your whole family.
Your son ozzie loves outer
Space.
What's my name?
[ laughter ]
>> carl?
[ buzzer ]
>> audience, what's that name?
>> all: Norman!
>> norman the doorman.
>> oh, I'm so sorry.
Say hi to the wife for me.
>> I'm sorry, what's that?
Say hi to my wife?
>> yeah, okay, I'll take the bus
Out to forest hills cemetery and
Tell her that you say hello.
♪
>> my god, what the hell kind of
Show is this?
>> it's "what's that name?"
[ laughter ]
Carolyn, you're up.
And we've got another walk-on
Clue.
♪
>> for ten years I clean your
Office every day.
What's my name?
>> oh, it's you.
Do you have any fun plans for
The holidays?
>> yes.
Cleaning your office!
What's my name?
[ laughter ]
>> you don't seem to know her
Name.
>> I think it's something like
Eeyore?
>> that is cartoon donkey.
[ laughter ]
>> eedore.
[ buzzer ]
>> what's that name?
>> all: Mary!
[ laughter ]
>> but steve zahn you know.
♪
>> I just wish those people wore
Name tags.
>> "those people"?
>> I just want to say, I think
What you're doing here is pretty
Lousy.
>> well, I think you're lousy.
[ laughter ]
>> do you know your cameraman's
Name?
>> middle one's charlie.
>> what about the other two?
>> I'm not a contestant.
[ laughter ]
>> what are their names?
>> if I told you, if I were a
Contestant, but I'm not.
You are.
And here's your next clue.
♪
>> who the hell are they?
>> eight of your summer interns.
They worked for you for free for
Four months.
If you can tell me any of their
Names, I'll give you $1 million.
[ laughter ]
>> I, uh -- oh, geez.
I don't --
I don't know.
I'm just going to say a name.
Josh.
[ ding ]
>> there are three joshes.
[ laughter ]
That means you win $3 million.
>> oh, wow!
>> plus you've got the
Opportunity to go double or
Nothing in our bonus round.
What do you say?
>> well, I guess I'm on a hot
Streak.
Let's go
Double or nothing.
>> fantastic.
Here to read the bonus clue is
The man himself.
[ laughter ]
>> what's my name?
>> oh, god, no.
I wasn't paying attention
Before.
[ laughter ]
Josh?
[ buzzer ]
>> what's that name?
>> all: Norman!
>> norman the doorman.
Rhymes, even.
>> yeah.
Right.
So easy.
>> well, jake, that puts you
Back to zero.
That's our show.
But stay tuned for a new game
Show called "what's in your
Internet history?"
Yikes!
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ stumble out of bed
And I stumbled in the kitchen
Stumbled in the bathroom
Stumbled in the living room ♪
♪ stumbled out the door
And past my car ♪
♪ stumbling ♪
♪ stumbled into work
And I stumbled through
The office ♪
♪ stumbled in the gym
And I stumbled
Through my workout ♪
♪ stumbled down the street
And to a bar
Stumbling ♪
♪ stumble through the bar
Past mario batali
Stumble through a swirl
Record sing song ♪
♪ stumbled right in step
With my good old friends
It seems this stumble's
Never gonna end ♪
♪ stumble past a guy
Putting on his first lipstick
Stumble past a girl with a
Fist full of bisquick ♪
♪ stumble past three gents
[ laughter ]
Stumble past the elevator
Stumble past the elevator ♪
♪ stumble past the elevator
Stumble past the elevator
Stumble down a nasty
Flight of stairs ♪
♪ walking in slow motion
Walking in slow motion
Walking in slow motion ♪
>> tiny harmonica solo.
♪
♪ stumble
Through a --
With a hobo acting regal ♪
♪ past a bunch of mimes
And a painter with an easel
And a one man band ♪
♪ playing checkers
With a teacher
That concludes our
Stumbling adventure here ♪
♪ stumbling ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> hello, I'm diane foster,
Vice president of customer
Relations at mastercard.
This week, supporters of the
Wikileaks organization attacked
Our website.
Assure our customers
That we are doing --
>> hello again.
It's me, julian assange.
I've taken over your airwaves
From inside a british prison.
How did I get a camera into a
British prison?
Maybe you weren't listening.
I'm julian assange.
This Monday I was arrested,
Proving that for those who
Terrorize the United States,
There is nowhere to hide.
America will find you and they
Will punish you.
Unless, of course, your name is
Osama bin laden.
I was not arrested for terrorism
But rather to be questioned on
Two rape charges.
It's long been interpol's job to
Hunt down those accused of
Sexual misdeeds.
Who can forget ben
Roethlisberger, double standard,
Anyone?
Yeah.
Now on to business.
If I'm not released immediately,
Supporters of the wikileaks are
Prepared to attack the following
Websites.
Amazon.
If I am falsely imprisoned one
More day, anyone purchasing mark
Twa
Twain's new autobiography, must
Instead send the book "everyone
Poops."
Awkward.
Orbitz.
Two more days, any holiday
Flight will have a connection at
The cleveland international
Airport.
Also, all special requests will
Be locked at middle seat kosher
Meal.
[ laughter ]
Day three.
Facebook.
You know that one profile
Picture that makes you look
Thin?
It's gone.
On the fourth day, we will move
On to the facebook game
Farmville and leave it alone.
The people you barely remember
From high school will continue
To bother you with requests to
Water their stupid crops.
Hooray.
Day five.
Netflix.
Have you seen the fourth season
Of "hanging with mr. Cooper"?
You're about to.
[ laughter ]
First on your queue.
Angry birds.
If I'm held for six days, the
Birds in angry birds will no
Longer be angry.
What are you playing?
Good-natured birds.
How is it?
It stinks.
And if I'm incarcerated for one
Whole week, we start messing
With porn sites, the free ones.
Ooh, got your attention now, do
I?
There you have it.
Hope to see you on the outside.
In conclusion, I want to remind
You that no matter how I die,
Even if there's a suicide note,
It was murder.
Cheers.
>>> you're watching
"sexually speaking."
With dr. Linda marie choice.
Dr. Linda has been married seven
Times and specializes in sexual
And reproductive health.
And now, with her personal
Approach to sexual issues,
Please welcome dr. Linda marie
Choice.
>> dr. Linda's sick.
I'm her producer, roger brush.
Dr. Linda's daughter called and
Said she's got a stomach thing.
I don't want to get too graphic,
But she's got clear water coming
Out of her butt.
[ laughter ]
I said please don't come in.
I'll just take it from here.
Let's go to the audience.
>> this is pamela shimpley.
She has a question about her and
Her husband's love-making.
>> hi, I have an issue with my
Husband.
I love him so much, but he's,
Well, small.
>> you know, I can't hear you,
Honey.
Be loud.
>> he has a small penis.
>> say it again.
>> he has a small penis.
>> small v-necks?
[ laughter ]
Can anybody hear?
You know, you've got to eat that
Microphone.
>> his penis, it's thin like a
Chicken bone.
>> oh.
I see what you're saying.
How about this.
You know, when he does it, just
Say, "ooh, ooh, baby, that's the
Best I ever had."
>> no, that's not the problem.
>> you know, I don't know what
To tell you, sweetheart.
I'm up here sweating,
Trying to help you out, and
You're bad-mouthing your husband
Behind his back.
>> no, I'm not.
He's right there.
[ laughter ]
>> you're the one with the
Skinny ding-a-ling?
I don't know what to tell you.
You know,
Soak it in saltwater and see if
It pumps up.
I'm not the expert.
All right, who's next?
>> this is tyler bands.
He has a really interesting
Question.
>> my partner and I have been
Together for four years.
How do we keep our sex life
Exciting?
>> have you tried tickling her?
>> it's a he.
>> it's a what?
>> it's a he.
>> what?
You know, I can't hear you.
It sounds like you said "it's a
He."
>> I did.
Your girlfriend is a he?
>> I have a boyfriend.
>> well, how did that happen?
>> what should we do?
>> I don't know.
You know, just look at your
Boyfriend and say, you and I
Both know this is weird.
And, you know, close your eyes
And do it and get it over with
And hope for the best.
>> what?
Where's dr. Linda?
She really helps people.
She tells them to touch each
Other's faces and be honest with
One another.
Stuff like that.
>> dr. Linda is sick today.
>> you want dr. Linda up here
Peeing out of her ass?
I don't.
Let's get to the next person.
Who do we got?
>> this is jenna lynn austin.
She has a great question and she
Needs your help.
>> yeah, my boyfriend seems more
Concerned with his own needs in
Bed than mine.
>> and?
[ laughter ]
What are you looking at?
I said "and?"
I don't see the problem.
Who's next?
>> this is stacy England.
>> hi.
I want to have sex with my
Boyfriend, but he wants to wait.
>> why does he want to wait?
Lose some weight or something?
Make him a meal and say I'm
Sorry about my thighs, but this
Is as good as it gets.
>> what?
I'm not overweight.
Dr. Linda would never say that.
>> I know.
I know.
>> why are you taking her side?
I'm trying to help you out and
You're being a real diva.
Listen, I've got problems of my
Own.
My sister just asked me if she
Could borrow $15,000.
I don't know that I have it.
I mean, I have it, but I want
It.
Okay.
So who's next?
>> no one wants to go.
>> all right.
Good.
When we come back, nurse keller
Shows us how to find the "g"
Spot.
Oh, great.
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> ladies and gentlemen, paul
Mccartney.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ jet
Jet
I can almost remember ♪
♪ their funny faces
That time you told them
That you were going to
Be marrying soon ♪
♪ and jet, I thought the
Only lonely face
Was on the moon jet ♪
♪ jet
Jet
Was your father as old
As the sergeant major ♪
♪ well how come he told
You that you're hardly
Old enough yet
And jet, I thought ♪
♪ the major was
A lady suffragette jet
Jet ♪
♪ ah mater, want jet
To always love me
Ah mater, want jet
To always love me ♪
♪ ah mater
Much later ♪
♪
♪ jet ♪
♪
♪ and jet, I thought the
Major was a
Lady suffragette
Jet ♪
♪ jet
Ah mater, want jet
To always love me
Ah mater, want jet ♪
♪ to always love me
Ah mater
Much later ♪
♪
♪ jet
With the wind in your hair
Of a thousand laces
Climb on the back and ♪
♪ we'll go for a ride
In the sky
And jet, I thought that
The major was a ♪
♪ lady suffragette
Jet
And jet, you know I ♪
♪ thought you was a
Lady suffragette
Jet
And a lady ♪
♪ oh, yeah
Yeah, yeah ♪
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> "weekend update" with
Seth meyers.
>> good evening, I'm seth meyers
And here are tonight's top
Stories.
Many democrats were upset this
Week with president obama,
Saying that he failed to
Negotiate with the republicans
On extending the bush-era tax
Cuts.
And that he
Caved in on raising taxes on the
Rich.
Man, if other democrats think
You caved, you really caved.
That's like the chess club
President calling you a nerd.
>>> when democrats this week
Rejected obama's compromise
Plan, the white house took a
Page from the music industry, if
You're not selling like you used
To, break out the greatest hits.
>>> wikileaks' founder julian
Assange was arrested on Monday,
And now all americans can sleep
Easy knowing they have nothing
More to fear from the bad man
Who wanted them to read.
>>> in an interview this week
With barbara walters, oprah
Winfrey denies she is a lesbian
Saying, I'm not even kind of a
Lesbian.
Said walters, "I haven't even
Asked you a question yet."
>>> new jersey's first bear hunt
In five years started Monday.
So be on your guard, mob wives.
>>> it was reported that a
Number of professional athletes
Are now seeking to copyright
Their personal slogans including
The new york jets' durrell
Revis' revis island, strahan's
Stomp you out, I love me some,
And brett favre's say hello to
My little friend.
>>> a man in kentucky has been
Sentenced to 33 months in prison
For threatening president obama
In a poem called "the sniper."
And I would guess that poetry is
The absolute worst answer you
Can give to the question, "what
Are you in for?"
>>> a car carrying prince
Charles and his wife, camilla,
Was attacked Thursday in london
By angry student protesters who
Were upset over a hike in
University tuition fees.
Anarles and
Camilla were saying, it's time
For a "weekend update audio
Caption."
And here to help me perform it,
Paul mccartney.
Welcome to "weekend update,"
Paul.
Are you ready?
>> I am.
>> okay, so I will be the voice
Of prince charles.
You will be camilla.
>> great.
>> okay.
And can you do an english
Accent?
>> I can try.
>> okay.
>> and action!
>> oh, no!
>> oh, goodness me!
>> oh, ne'er do wells!
>> ruffians!
>> oh, camilla!
>> oh, charles, do something!
>> oh!
No matter what happens, I love
You camilla!
>> and I love you!
>> oh, I love you!
>> I love you!
>> and scene.
[ cheers and applause ]
So how do you think that went?
>> probably the best thing I've
Ever worked on.
>> paul mccartney, everyone!
>>> it was announced that after
70 years, the syndicated
Newspaper comic strip "brenda
Star" will end.
Now they'll have room for the
Edgy new strip "ziggy nights."
>>> a new report suggests that
Men who grew up in the country
Have larger penises than men who
Grow up in the city.
I don't know if that's true, but
I reckon it could be.
>>> a&e this week canceled david
Hasselhoff's new series after
Just two episodes.
It's hard to say how he'll take
The news, but I'm going to
Guess, lying down?
>>> it's christmastime in new
York, which means millions will
Be heading to the city to
Celebrate.
Here with tips on what new york
Can offer is our correspondent,
Stefan.
>> stefan, how have you been?
>> the same.
>> lots of people are heading
Here for a great new york
Christmas.
Do you have any tips on what
They can see and do?
>> yes.
If you're here from ohio or
Whatever, look no further.
New york's hottest club is
Ounce.
Located in the middle of the
East river.
This place has everything.
Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog
That looks like bruce valanche.
An entire room of puppets doing
Karate.
>> I'm sorry, why are puppets
Doing karate?
>> because it's that thing when
Someone calls miss piggy fat and
She goes, hi-yah!
>> stefan, when I said, you
Know, fun things for the
Holidays, I meant things that
Were a little more normal.
>> mm-hmm.
>> can you think of anything
That might be a little more sort
Of like classic new york
Holiday?
>> yes, yes, yes.
If you want your christmas in
New york to be classic, look no
Further.
New york's hottest club is
Oonce.
This lower, lower east side is
The creation of club owner
Tranderson cooper.
And it finally answers the
Question, "do I have to?"
Lll this place has everything.
Schizos, kite enthusiasts,
And that's not all.
Look who just came in.
It's blingo.
>> sorry, blingo?
>> black ringo.
>> oh.
I don't know how to say this,
But I was brought up to respect
People from all walks of life.
And I am glad that you have a
World you feel comfortable in.
>> dungeon culture, yes.
>> but look, buddy.
You know, I'm kind of an
Old-fashioned guy, born and
Raised in new hampshire.
>> seth meyers.
>> I just wanted to help folks,
You know.
I wand th
I want them to find some got,
Old-fashioned
Christmas cheer.
Now, can you help us with that?
>> yes.
>> okay, good.
>> if you're old or into
Fashion, I've got a place for
You.
New york's hottest holiday club
Is blitzen.
And right now they're having
Their 12 days of christmas dance
Party.
>> oh, 12 days of christmas.
That sounds nice.
>> because it has everything.
♪ 12 jacked albinos,
10 pierce-eared babies
9 asian balkis ♪
♪ 8 gay aladdins
7 psychos swearting
6 puerto rican screeches ♪
>> of course.
We all knew that.
♪ 5 homeless elmos ♪
4 coke coked-up frogs
3 french hens
Taylor negron
And a human parking cone ♪
>> soliai it on me, my man.
What's your question?
>> the question was what's a
Human parking cone?
>> yes, it's that thing of when
When two jacked midgets paint
Themselves orange and you have
To parallel park between them.
[ laughter and applause ]
>> oh, that thing.
It's that thing.
That's the thing it is.
Stefan, don't you ever just want
To have a normal christmas?
>> well, I would but no one ever
Invited stefon to normal
Christmas!
>> aw.
>> well, stefon, would you
Like to come to new hampshire
With me?
>> he asked me!
>> stefon, everybody.
>> im on top!
>> for "weekend update," I'm
Seth meyers.
>>> a new york city marketing
Group is trying to rebrand the
Area of manhattan below canal
Street as can-do which would be
An improvement from its current
Nickname, fish stink murder
Town.
>>> a woman in England called
Police this week to report that
Her snowman had been stolen from
Her front yard.
Oh, sure, the police are happy
To get involved when a white
Person goes missing.
>>> a 2-year-old girl in
Pennsylvania had to be rescued
By firefighters after she
Crawled inside a toy crane
Vending machine in a mall and
Became stuck.
They were able to get her out
Safely, but it took, like, $9 in
Quarters.
>>> for "weekend update," I'm
Seth meyers.
Good night!
>>> thank you.
And welcome, everyone, to our
First booker t. High school end
Of the year holiday jam.
I think as rudolph says, this is
Going to be off the hook.
So, uh, that's -- I'm
Mr. Griggs, the math teacher and
Holiday jam coordinator.
We've got lots of fun activities
For you here in the gym like pop
A shot, dodge ball and a holiday
Dance party in our library
Annex.
I don't think many of you
Celebrate hanukkah, but if you
Do, we've got the rapping rabbi
Dr. Dreidel stopping by.
And if you celebrate kwanzaa,
I've read several books on that.
And I still don't know what it
Is.
Oh, it looks like we have a
Quick message from our
Principal, daniel frey.
[ heavy breathing ]
>> attention, teachers and
Students.
We have a problem
In our cafeteria.
You know, running around in the
Lunchroom.
Apparently made a big mess
From b hall to d hall.
Please, pick up your babies.
This is a high school, not a day
Care center.
Thank you teachers and students
For your time
For that very important
Announcement.
[ laughter and applause ]
>> okay.
I just want to remind everyone
That we still have a few holiday
Cookies left.
Unfortunately, someone set the
Cafeteria holiday display on
Fire, and we had to put it out
With a ho, ho, hose.
That's a little joke.
But seriously, our cafeteria was
On fire.
Oh, here's principal frey.
[ heavy breathing ]
>> attention, teachers and
Students.
I have another important
Announcement to make.
It has come to my attention
That the costumes that were
Rented for last night's holiday
Show are infected with scabies.
If you are an elf and you are
Itchy, please report to the
Nurse.
Several elves have been taken
To the hospital.
Let us have a moment of silence
For the flesh of the infected.
[ light laughter ]
>> okay.
A moment of silence, everyone.
[ heavy breathing ]
>> lord jesus.
[ heavy breathing ]
I don't know, baby.
I don't know.
Thank you very much for holding
For that important announcement.
Continue playing.
>> okay.
We've had some setbacks here,
But I know we can do this.
And I'm here to just give you a
Boost of self-esteem.
Or in this case, elf-esteem.
Oh, here's our gym teacher
Mr. King.
>> hey.
Hey!
Shut up!
Shut the hell up!
This white man has been working
For months to put this thing
Together.
And this is what you do?
>> don't worry.
>> no, no!
This white man put this silly
Little carnival together for
You.
You should give him some
Respect.
Now shut the hell up and have
Some fun.
[ laughter and applause ]
>> thank you.
Thank you, mr. King.
I appreciate that.
Oh, here's principal frey.
>> attention, all teachers and
Students.
We've had an unfortunate
Incident to our mascot the
Booker t. Trojan horse.
Apparently one of you jive tom
Turkeys thought it'd
Be funny to feed it a bucket of
Dr. Pepper in several viagra
Tablets.
The horse is currently in the
Parking lot trying to fornicate
With a nissan centra.
And ms. Williams is trapped
Inside.
We have called in a special
Veterinarian.
Who is familiar with horse
Erections?
Let us please have a moment of
Silence for ms. Williams for a
Safe tactical escape.
[ heavy breathing ]
Oh, my lord jesus.
[ heavy breathing ]
She's gonna get raped by a
Horse.
I've seen a lot of people down
Like that.
Oh, jesus.
Oh, lord bless the horny pony.
Thank you.
Thank you for holding for that
Important moment of silence.
And bless the horny pony once
Again.
She's going to be killed.
He's going to break the
Windshield with his thing.
I know he is.
Oh, lord jesus.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> this holiday season at
Madison square garden, there's
Only one show, one skater that
Families everywhere are flocking
To see.
[ cheers ]
Meryl streep on ice.
>> stop it!
>> she mastered the stage, the
Screen, and now meryl streep
Takes to the rink.
>> like it's anything.
I'm just having fun.
I skated twice in my life!
>> it was unbelievable.
>> better than "sophie's
Choice."
>> all of a sudden she was out
There.
I didn't even know she could
Skate.
I don't know why I'm getting
Emotional.
[ chanting ]
>> meryl!
Meryl!
>> sorry.
>> umm -- the bitch can skate.
[ laughter ]
>> it's meryl streep like you've
Never seen her before.
>> I just get on the ice and go!
>> "meryl streep on ice."
Choreography by nancy meyers.
>> all: We love meryl!
[ applause ]
>>> once again, paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ stuck inside these
Four walls
Sent inside forever
Never seeing no one ♪
♪ nice again like you
Mama you
Mama you ♪
♪
♪ if I ever get
Out of here
Thought of giving
It all away ♪
♪ to a registered charity
All I need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here
If we ever get out of here ♪
♪
♪ well, the rain exploded
With a mighty crash
As we fell into the sun
And the first one said ♪
♪ to the second one there
I hope you're having fun
Band on the run
Band on the run ♪
♪ and the jailer man
And sailor sam
Were searching everyone
For the band on the run ♪
♪ for the band on the run
Band on the run
Well, the undertaker ♪
♪ drew a heavy sigh
Seeing no one else had come
And a bell was ringing
In the village square ♪
♪ for the rabbits on the run
Band on the run
And the jailer man ♪
♪ and sailor sam
Were searching everyone
For the band on the run
Band on the run ♪
♪
♪ band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run, yeah
The band on the run ♪
♪ well, the night was
Falling as the desert world
Began to settle down
In the town they're ♪
♪ searching for
You everywhere
But we never will be found
Oh, no ♪
♪ band on the run
Band on the run
And the county judge
Who held a grudge ♪
♪ will search for evermore
For the band on the run
Band on the run ♪
♪ band on the run ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Hey, mike underball.
I'm the director.
>> really nice to meet you, mr.
Underball.
>> mr. Underball was my dad.
Call me mike.
So glad you're doing this
Benefit show.
Broadway cares is an amazing
Cause.
>> I'm happy to help.
>> you know how it works.
Everyone's performing their
Favorite songs from a broadway
Musical.
You're doing "willkommen"?
>> the emcee.
I do have one question.
Is it possible for me to do it
In the spotlight?
>> jeff, we're going to need a
Spotlight on this one.
Is that okay?
>> you really want my opinion?
>> let's just do it, buddy.
Okay.
Here we go.
Music!
♪ willkommen ♪
♪ bienvenu ♪
♪ stranger ♪
>> can we stop for a second?
>> jeff, you've got to follow
Him.
>> sorry about that.
My mind must be elsewhere.
I saw "tangled" again this week.
I'm still thinking through it.
Seems like an animated
Inception.
>> no problem, jeff.
You're the best.
>> when I move from my first
Position, just follow me.
Otherwise people won't be able
To see me.
>> oh, is that how light works?
>> yes.
>> no, mike, this is great.
I love this.
This is great.
Thomas edison is telling us how
Light works.
>> just follow him with the
Spot.
>> you're the boss.
>> I didn't upset him, did I?
>> he's fine.
From the top.
♪ willkommen ♪
♪ bienvenue
Welcome
Fremde
Etranger ♪
♪ stranger ♪
[ muttering ]
>> I'm sorry, stop.
Could we stop, stop, please,
Please.
>> what's going on, paul?
>> he's moving the spot all
Around.
It's ridiculous.
>> hey mike, you know what's
Ridiculous?
Paul rudd playing the emcee from
"cabaret."
>> yeah!
>> I'm serious.
I thought emcee
Stood for master of ceremony,
Not mediocre caca.
>> caca is with a "k," jeff.
>> no, no.
Caca is spelled with an "r."
R-u-d-d.
>> that's funny.
That's your last name.
I know.
>> you're going to run into joel
Gray at the gym and he's going
To hop up on a box and punch you
In the nuts.
>> yes!
If you're going to go there,
Please keep it out of the
Gutter.
>> if you're going to go there?
>> be the change you want to see
In the world.
>> think gandhi.
>> you got it, buddy.
I'll humor him.
Nice catch.
You're right, I slipped.
>> all right.
Here, you know what?
I'm going to make it easy.
I'm not going to move.
I'm going to stay put.
>> yeah, you should have stayed
At home.
[ laughter ]
>> music.
♪
♪ willkommen
Bienvenue
Welcome
Fremde ♪
♪ etranger stranger ♪
Oh, come on.
Look at this.
>> jeff, what are we thinking
Here?
>> you know,
I thought I'd draw attention to
The guy's crotch because he's
Singing like such a big pussy.
>> yeah.
>> I'm out of here.
>> now what are we going to do?
>> I'll show you what we're
Going to do.
Hit me with that spotlight!
♪
♪ willkommen
Bienvenue
Welcome
Fremde ♪
>>> once again, paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
♪ I read the news today
Oh, boy
About a lucky man
Who made the grade ♪
♪ and though the news
Was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph ♪
♪ he blew his mind out
In a car
He didn't notice that
The lights had changed ♪
♪ a crowd of people
Stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure ♪
♪ if he was from
The house of lords
I saw a film today
Oh, boy ♪
♪ the english army
Had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look ♪
♪ having read the book
I'd love to turn you
On ♪
♪
♪ woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs
And drank a cup ♪
♪ and looking up
I noticed I was late
Found my coat
And grabbed my hat ♪
♪ made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs
And had a smoke
And somebody spoke ♪
♪ and I went into a dream ♪
♪
♪ all we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance ♪
♪ everybody's talking
About it ♪
♪ all we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance ♪
♪ all we are saying
Is give peace a chance
♪ everybody sing it ♪
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance ♪
♪give peace a chance
♪ all over the world ♪
♪ all we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance ♪
♪ give peace give peace
♪ all we are saying
Is give peace a chance ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> well, this won't be topped.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much to the cast,
The crew and paul mccartney.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> one more?
One more?
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ get back ♪
♪ get back to where you once
Belonged ♪
♪ get back ♪
♪ get back to where you once
Belonged ♪
♪ get back ♪
-- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
♪ get back ♪
♪ get back to where you once
Belonged ♪
♪ get back ♪
♪ get back to where you once
Belonged ♪
♪ oh get back ♪
♪ get back ♪