♪ Fixed & Synced by bozxphd.Enjoy The Flick ♪
It's important you understand;
It's not you, ifs me.
What we have is so special.
I love you more than I can say.
But I'm sorry.
Truly, Because-I fucked up.
Look... I owe you an explanation.
But honestly, I don't know where to begin.
Maybe there...
at the beginning.
You see. I grew up above a great party.
Oh, Gordon'.!
Mummy?
She's... she's in the kitchen.
Just what are you doing?
I'm waiting for your mother to bring.
After school. I used to love to listen
to my father lecture.
Now the faculty would have me teach it was Wordsworth.
Keats and Coleridge who, in writing about love.
Defined the Romantic Age.
And they've told me to ignore Byron.
'Mad, bad, and dangerous to know' was haw one of his many
lovers described him' He was controversial,
Now did you know, this esteemed establishment told Byron that
he wasn't allowed to bring his beloved dogs to college.
So he said 'screw the rules.'
He went out and he bought himself a bear.
Brought it to class on a chain and leash,
tied it up to that very pipe just there.
So, you see, it was Byron who defined the Romantic Age,
which wasn't about love. It was about going your own way.
Defying authority and following your heart-.
Sticking it to the man and as many women as possible.
Now that's“ that is Romantic!
And if the faculty don't like me saying so, well.
They can take this job and they can shove it. Because like.
Mr. Bob Dylan, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more!
Dad hated authority... and everyone loved him for it.
All I wanted was to be just like him.
Forget the critics.
Let them have their opinions.
Let them publish their books and brag about them at tedious
faculty parties, and let university librarians
file those books away.
The faculty has called this class;
'The Romantics and Literary Theory'.
I want you all to forget the second half of this sentence.
There's nothing theoretical about the Romantics.
Where true love burns, desire is love's pure passion.
It is the reﬂex of our earthly frame
that takes its meaning from the nobler parts.
Wakey, wakey, Professor Haig.
Oh. Shit.“ it's Saturday, isn't it'?
Now don't look like that. Are you sure about this?
Will you relax, Richard? My dad is gonna love you.
Really?
Yeah. You'll have lots to talk about.
Yeah. Corporate. Hard-nosed raider meets
libidinous Lit professor. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want my dad to meet the wonderful man
I've been dating for the last six months,
Six months'?
Broke your record, didn't I?
- Done what'? - Easy.
Spark and fire of it all.
Relax. You're still very sparky, darling.
Really sparky, I mean-
Well, my Liege, I must hie me to Heathrow, thou to London'
Chimes of six o'clock sharp.
Sharp. Six o'clock. Chimes.
Sal, I've got to go.
Why? Because we've been talking for so long.
I've lost track of time. Space and myself.
Hello, Olivia?
Not to worry. Madam. I'll call maintenance.
We'll fish it out later.
Are you there'? Can you hear me?
- Please don't. - Hello?
Olivia?
Hoopla! There you go.
Are they fishing your phone out of the drain?
No, I told them not to.
I am cutting myself off from the world.
Footloose and fancy-ﬂee.
Won't That be lonely'? An island all to yourself?
No.
Can I have a glass of red wine, please?
Yes, madam.
No, I would populate the island with all new people.
People that I actually like.
Yes, but then things change. The people you thought you
like turn out to be as bad as the people you left behind.
Soon you're moving to another island and so it goes on,
ad infinitum.
You know my solution?
Get along with everyone.
Really.
Then why are you here alone in a hotel bar on a Saturday night?
Well, I certainly wouldn't keep you waiting.
Exactly. Because you never know what kind of-
handsome stranger I might start talking to?
I do desire we become better strangers.
Pulling out the Shakespeare.
Is that line successful for you normally?
I have my moments with it.
You know'? Comme si. Cumme sa.
Excuse me, sir. Ma'am-
Oh.
Thank you. You're so kind.
There you go. Back on the grid'
Why is it the most helpful people are always around
when you do not want any help?
Yeah, well, give him a minute. He'll be back with a shoemaker'
On the other hand, it is nice to be looked after
- every now and then. - Mm-hm.
The other day, I found myself opening a door for a man.
What happened to chivalry?
You know why guys open doors for women?
No.
So we can check out your arses as you walk by.
You're just full ol all these amazing insights. Aren't you?
I can tell within one minute of meeting someone.“
if I want to be with them.
How what about me?
Do you want to be with me'?
YES.
For one more minute.
Okay.
You've got a minute.
What are you gonna do with it?
Olivia? Oh, my god! Hi!
Wha! Are you doing here?
I... I was in Dublin in... in the book festival.
And Dad called me and told me that you were coming, that
he was meeting you here and that I should come and surprise you.
Surprise! He ﬂaked on us, didn't he?
Yes.
So how'd you Mo make the connection? Hi.
You're the famous Olivia?
My beautiful sister, Olivia'
Olivia, my gorgeous English man, Richard Haig.
- You look great. - Thank you.
So, me, my dad and my mom are staying at this hotel
that we always stay at, And my dad keeps running off.
Saying he has like meetings or appointments, whatever'
And finally my Mom gels fed up. And she decides to tail him
one day to one of his "meetings".
Ends up following him to the other end of the beach.
Where Livvy is staying with her mom...
And all hell breaks loose.
Our dad is leading a double life.
Like raising two families at the same time.
What a naughty boy.
Right? Crazy.
Anyway, I take Kale to the beach. I'm sitting there and I'm
trying to process everything. You know? What my father did.
My poor Mom.
And the fact that I have this little, lovely sister.
For me, I mean, I was stoked. I always wanted a big sister.
From this craziness is if Kate and I make a pact.
No secrets.
Absolute honesty.
From this day forward. We would tell each other everything.
Hm.
No marker what, always.
And we have. And we're like best friends.
So, Livvy. How is your Allen?
What?
Ah.
Please, tell us about Allen.
He's great.
Livvy's Allen is the Allen Sloan, you know,
- the romance writer? - Really?
And Livvy edits his books and they're totally in love,
Madly and totally in love with a romance writer?
That sounds fascinating.
Well. No more than the Romantics professor's passion
for his students, surely.
Oh” - Liwy. Be nice.
Yes, Kate.
Would either of you like a little taste of my steak?
No, thanks.
It's very tender.
You're unbelievable, aren't you'?
Sorry?
Of course, on the verge of graduating, going home.
She's the perfect catch {or you, isn't she?
- Hey! - I gel it. I gel it.
He's hot and funny and smart and he's got the suave accent!
But all I see is a Lothario with an eternally wandering eye
who simply charmed the pants off you. Literally.
Livvy, what are you doing?
Kate, I know. This feels like love, but no. No. No, no.
This is not love. This is a ﬂing!
How do you knew? What are you even saying?
Obviously, you are looking for for a father figure.
But in our case. It means a self-centered.
Cheating womanizer whose not to be trusted!
Really? How young were you when you ran off with Anwar, huh'?
We thought I was pregnant! Well, I am.
- What? - What?
I... I wanted to tell you earlier. But...
Pregnant, with a... with a baby?
Yeah. I wanted to tell you another way.
But this is so weird. I just...
No, this is the perfect way. This is really the perfect way.
I think... yeah, that's... that's great. Really great.
Well, that was so heartfelt.
Livvy! Livvy. Thank you so much for supper.
Remind me never to do this again.
I'm just gonna go outside and get some fresh air.
- What do you mean? - Excuse me. Air.
Yeah. Run.
- Richard! - Yeah.
- Richard! - Yeah! I'm here.
Look, I know I just dropped a bomb on you back there,
So. Right here, right now. I'm giving you the out.
I just want some air. That's all.
You just need some time to think.
It's... it's fine. I get it,
So, I'm moving to L.A.
Oh.
I got a really cool job at a venture capital firm.
You're full of surprises today.
You'll love L.A. It'll be like Cambridge-ish, but with
a lot of palm trees and like. Chicks with tans and stuff.
Oh, honey, you're all clammy.
Really. I just need some air. That's all really.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. I'll be back in there, go ahead. You go.
- Richard? - Yeah?
You're gonna be a great father.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Did you have a good dinner then, sir?
Oh, where the buggering hell have you been?
I said 6:00.
Sorry about that, Dad.
Didn't realize your grumbling ran on such a tight schedule.
Bloody miserable out there as usual.
Agh, agh, agh, don't touch that!
Oh, good god. Dad, I'm not five-years-old.
Hi, Richard, dear.
Hello, Juan.
How's everything'?
Oh, just terrific. Thanks for asking.
You still boffing the Yank totty, are you'?
Yes, she's a great girl.
Bright, beautiful, ambitious.
You mean, a horrible little upstart,
determined to 'go places'.
So tell me, when are you going to start going places?
Oh, good god, please don't start with this again, Dad!
I mean, come on, when I was your age. I mean I'd been
the head of the department for seven years!
Yeah, and it made you so happy, didn't it, Dad?
All right, what's the grievance today'?
Split infinitive on the news? Too many women with jobs?
It's his waterworks.
He's got to go back into hospital next week.
Tell me something, Dad.
Why did you and Mum get married?
Now, what kind of an
inane question is that for a Thursday evening?
For a man who revels in reckless promiscuity.
Your four marriages do beg some questions'
Your mother fed me regularly'
She pleasured me half-decently now and then.
What more could a man want?
Oh, I don't know, friendship?
Someone to see the world with, have a laugh with.
Maybe even start a family with.
Good god, man.
You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
Dad.
Now you listen to me. This might be the most important
bit of advice that I ever give you.
American women may be fun in Victoria Secret when you
first met 'em. But as soon as they get their claws into you.
They stop fucking and start eating.
And the only ass you're gonna get is a fat one!
Why'd I open my mouth?
American women invariably become spouters of self-help
attitudes, addicted to designer labels, dieting and frozen.
That don't luck!
Thank you for your fatherly advice.
Good night, Joan!
Bugger off, then!
See if I care!
Kate! Kate!
Screw Cambridge! I'm in.
- Really? - Really.
If.
Welcome to the world, Jakey.
It's a beautiful world.
Ooh.
Do you need the booby now'? Do you want the booby?
Yes, he's a boy after my own heart.
Okay, family. Here we go.
Here you are. Jakey. Welcome home,
A modest 'little house' your granddad bought your
mom out of guilt. Don't fall in the pool'
I won't.
You probably will never meet anyway.
He has a very bad habit of never showing up'
Hey.
All right.
Oh, I'm gonna call Livvy. Can you take the baby'?
- Sure. - Okay,
Okay.
I know it's easier to read the critics and the Cliff notes.
But forget about them.
Read the poems, Put the time in.
After all, nothing will come of nothing.
Wha! Was that from? Hm?
Anyone?
Hey, there you go!
Yeah. I'm having trouble getting on the WiFi.
What's the password again?
I think they're all on Prozac.
Did you hear from the university yet?
Um, no, they went with the other guy.
I told you to kiss ass more.
Angela, please.
Well, I'm sure something will open up soon at ULA,
In the meantime, I'm glad that you're still
slumming it here with us.
You city college lot don't pull any punches, do you'?
We will go sixteen rounds with anyone.
Bring it on.
Arsehole.
Asshole.
Never let me hear you say that word, Jake.
The word is arsehole, not asshole.
Can you say arsehole?
- Asshole. - Yes, elongate the 'A'.
There we go.
I'll get them. I'll get them.
Oh, where...
Momma.
No, Momma's at work.
She'll be back later.
Momma.
No, that's Hummer.
Hummer.
Hah, well done. Hummer.
Pull over, What? I can't...
Pull over! Pull over! Listen to this voice-mail.
I thought he was saying 'Momma', then I realized
he was pointing at one of those absurdly oversized tanks
driven no doubt by some idiot with an absurdly
undersized penis. Jake...
This is not an oversized car'
He knows.
Hey there, sexy. Where are you?
- I'm in New York. - Oh...
Honey, do I look chunky?
Didn't mean to call you sexy. Wrong person.
No, I look good.
Hah-hah, very funny. Ls Kate there?
She's not back yet. Still banking. Busy counting things.
Well. Tell her to call me right, right away.
Because I have something really big to tell her.
Well, no secrets in the family, pray tell?
I can't believe that I'm about to-
Richard. I don't know why this is so hard for me.
I've been trying to tell you now for weeks.
Allen's asked me to marry him.
You're what?
We're getting married!
Don't act so surprised that somebody asked me.
Who... who is it'?
Who are you talking to?
Answer the question! Who is it'?
I just did!
Who's on the phone?
- Hello? - Kate! Kate!
I have to call you back!
What? Hello?
I was just. I mean. I was really young. Okay?
Really young. Not that you're not, of course.
But I really thought that I loved you, but clearly I was
working through Daddy issues. And then I got pregnant,
and you were just trying to do the right thing.
And you've always been a really good father, but let's face it,
you never really loved me. But Brian does.
Brian? Brian? That little idiot from the office?
He likes to talk to me about start-ups and acquisitions
and exit strategies.
I mean. All the stuff that you think is so boring about me.
It is boring! God!
Why do you have to be so goddamn English! Talk to me!
You can leave me. But I am not leaving that boy.
Brian, pﬂ, little...
Richard, why can't you just talk to me'?
Now. I know two years in the pool house makes me look
a little inert but I'll say two things.
First, your Mum and Brian hated me being there, which was
the most wonderful incentive to stay. And secondly...
I wanted to be close to you.
Good mor-ning!
I think you're gonna want to see this.
Oh, Misty.
Is the Big Bad Professor awake yet'?
Dad, get up! Breaker, breaker!
You got your ears on? Um-okay...
- Are you awake? - It's Jakey, just...
Dad, get up. Are you having a sleepover?
Hi, Jakey! Good morning! Where are you?
Can I come and play?
Just a second, Jakey!
- Hey, Misty. - Hi.
Would you mind just skedaddling for now'? It's my son,
Your son'? I love kids! I babysit!
Sorry about this. The perils of parenthood.
It's okay, it's okay.
Come and see me during the week.
Ooh! I love surprises' Okay, I will.
Okay. Goodbyé. Whoo!
- Who's that? - What? Oh, just a friend of
mine, a very busy lady. She had to leave. There you go.
Aren't these uncomfortable?
That's why girls love it when you take them off.
Come on, let's get some pancakes.
Dad. Get on with it.
So, there we were.
And then, last week, everything went pear-shaped.
I have the papers you asked for.
Will that be all, Professor?
For now. Yes, thanks.
Great.
Excuse me.
Newest member of the TA of the Month Club?
How dare you insinuate such a thing.
You have a visitor, Be nice.
Send her in.
Thank you,
Professor Piggott, what a delight!
How's your father these days?
Loving life, he is. Happy as a clam.
It's good to hear' Well. I received your
application for the position at the University'
I was in the area, so I thought I'd inst pop by
and invite you to a soiree I'm giving tomorrow.
Splendid.
I thought it might be a good idea for you to come by and
just son of butter them up. Not me, by the way.
I consider myself lavishly buttered.
So we'll see you there'?
Wouldn't miss it for the world-
Dusks in Killarney just sold its five millionth copy.
You are unbelievable!
What?
Here I am splayed out like an open-faced sandwich
so we can have a baby. And all you care about...
Mr. Sloan?
Om.
Would you mind signing a copy of your book for me?
Of course. Did you like it'?
Are you kidding? It was great.
Really'? Is that Desiree with two 'E's or one 'E'?
Ow! What the hell was that for?
Oops, it slipped. Can I have my phone back, please?
There you go. You can do it, just concentrate.
Nice big swing. That's it,
Dad, I suck.
No. You don't, you don't. You look great, just...
Oh, who's here! Jakey, what up, dog?
Yo, give me some love, Blow it up. Blow.
Goat busting!
I got a fist thing! Agh!
Not so loud. Now we just were playing a little ball here.
Oh, right, right. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Okay. So-
Hey, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Dude, you're a righty. You gotta
switch your hands around. Come around there.
Go ahead.
Head up. Keep your eye on the ball. Hit it to Dad!
Owwww!!!
- Sorry. Dad! - It's okay! Agh!
Are you okay? Are you okay?
I'm okay, son. I'm all right.
It's just an occupational hazard'
Yeah. That looks pretty bad.
Oh, this? It's okay.
- Hey! - Hey.
- Did you remember Atlanta? - Yeah, No. Atlanta?
Brian and I, four days. Conference.
We leave the day after tomorrow?
Good, sounds good. I'll be there.
- Well, no, you'll be here. - Well, I'll be here, but...
- Yeah. Here's Jakey's schedule. - Great!
I left a copy in your room, and another one on the fridge.
All right, that's good.
- So. Um, yeah. - All right, I'm on it.
Okay' - Jawohl, mein Fuhrer.
Okay.
Saul. I understand. But I strongly believe that three
slates is enough. It's enough' Come on.
You!
Dr. Collins!
You miserable son of a bitch!
Yeah!
Jesus.
Come in.
Shouldn't you be at work?
Covering the Asian markets.
Oh, hey, by the way. I can get you in on a pretty
sweet no-load. These guys are killing it right now.
I can get you 15%, 18%. You just say the word.
The word is no. What is it you want'? I'm busy,
This letter came for you, it's about your green card.
Sorry, bro, I opened it before I saw who it was addressed to.
Just read it, Brian. Thank you.
I mean, you've opened it. Just read it.
All right. 'This is your final warning.
If you and your spouse fail to attend your interview next week,
deportation proceedings will be initiated.'
Blimey, mate.
Looks like you could be in a spot of bower with the hobbies!
Keep working on the accent, Brian.
Close the door on the way out.
- Cheer-ee-o! - Shut up!
I love the dentist, I'm not drooling am I'?
Hello, Mr. Haig. Thank you.
You can"t Drink alcohol when taking this medication.
- Really? - Yes.
- No? - No'
Absolutely not. Wouldn't dream of it. Thank you so much.
- No alcohol. - Good.
- We'll see you soon. - Can't wait'
Look forward to it. Thank you so much.
- No alcohol. - No alcohol.
- I mean it. - I mean it. Too.
Okay, let's go this way.
Anytime you feel like it, jump in and lavish me with praise.
Copy that.
- So glad you could make it. - Oh, thank you.
- Here you are. - Yes, oh, wonderful.
Please help yourself to refreshments.
My wife made her famous cheese balls.
Please be sure to try one and compliment her accordingly.
Will do. Mm.
There are some very, very important people here.
I'd like you to meet them' Mm.
And they are your kind of people, Richard.
Come this way.
My dear colleagues. This is Richard Haig.
This is Professor Vale, Professor Bates. Professor Berg,
Professor Ng and Professor Jones'
Can we do that again? I forgot your names already.
It is a damn shame we didn't hire you. What was it.
Three years ago?
Three years, two months and 17 days. But who's counting?
He delivered a fascinating lecture, a retort to Terry.
Hirst's hermeneutical reading of Milton's Paradise Lust.
Wish I'd been there for that one?
Where are you from in England? And are you a Rich or a Dick'?
I'm a Richard.
You know. The missus and I. We love it over there.
We go every summer. You do'? Great.
Cheers again, mate-y!
Now, Richard, I wanted to let you know that these
fervent minds here have taken great care looking over your
application materials,
Never trust an Englishman that doesn't drink, Richie Boy!
On an epistemological level.
Academics, Yap-Yap-Yap-Yap-
I do have one small question for you, however-.
This one is the biggest yapper of them all.
You want me to answer this question now?
I'm sure we'd all enjoy hearing just a taste of
one of your lectures.
A taste?
A mere amuse-bouche, is all.
Why not the whole meal?
Why don't you come down and see me in action?
You know, I happen to be free on Thursday'
Christ, what about that'?
I see you've already met my wife.
Just gonna go outside for a moment here.
Just jump in front of a bus.
Where are you going? You didn't even say goodbye.
That's true.
Bye!
I wonder ii he was ﬂirting with me'?
Oh, my god!
Oh, shit!
Oh, bollocks!
Shit. Good evening, Officer.
Oh, boy, have I been drinking?
Oops.
I drink every night.
How about you. Oohh!!
Can't we all just get along?
Thanks.
Oh.
Thanks again for bailing me out.“
and for the silent treatment.
Don't talk to me.
I still can't believe it.
- Can't believe what'? - I wasn't talking to you.
And I wasn't talking to you, my darling.
Little fornicating ex-wile.
- Shut up, Richard. - Allen dumped me.
What a small world, my... my wife did exactly the
same thing. She used to adore me'
Where, oh where did the love go?
She turned 30 and wised up.
So. Uh, what's going on? Why are you here, Olivia?
Thank you so much for helping out.
It's the least I can do.
Helping... helping out? Helping outwith what?
I needed to know that Jake was gonna be looked after, fed and
driven by a responsible person with a valid driver's license'
Fine, why her'?
Livvy offered to come at a very difficult time for her.
To bail us out of the mess that you put us in!
You know what? I've had enough of this.
You know. You say 'l' a lot.
Really?
Well, I know that Jake loves having you around, but I'm.
Because you don't ever bother to call him back!
I can't be in your life any more!
I'm enabling your degenerate behavior!
And what is the point of all this right now'?
Richard, if you want me to pretend like we're happily
married. So you can stay in this country,
you better get it together.
Yeah.
Gotcha. I woke you up, didn't I?
Dad? Is that you?
You know. There are no time zones in China,
Did you know that'? The whole bloody country
is on Peking time and that's the way it should be.
We should all be on Peking time.
Don't be a daft prat.
Okay. What do you want, Dad?
How's the little turd'?
Don't call him that.
Come on. You're far (oo bloody sensitive.
All right, great to hear from you, Dad.
Why don't you go badger Joan. Okay?
She's not here.
Oh, shit! Okay. I gotta go. Goodbye-.
Richard Haig.
Thank you.
So your interviews Monday. It's the forth quarter
now, two minute warning, you got no timeouts left.
What the hell're you talking about?
If your ex-wife won't show up to your interview. It's
gonna be Hail Mary time, baby.
Okay.
So, did you get a full-lime job?
I'm doing my best.
Have you recently joined any terrorist organizations?
Applied all over. Fingers crossed.
Have you ever been arrested?
Urn... DUI.
When'? How many years ago?
Friday.
I mean, they can't kick me out of the country for that,
can they? Jakey's a U.S. citizen.
You see the people in my waiting room? The kid.
Born here. The parents, illegal. They're departing the parents!
Oh. Yeah, ifs Game seven... win or go home time.
All right, look. You join a recovery program now'
- What'? Recovery? - You do the ten
mandated sessions the court's gonna give you for the DUI.
Ten? That's gonna take me weeks.
Hell week, baby, two a days. You get your
ex-wife to your interview and you get a great job.
You do all that and you get the ring, baby. Okay?
YES...
of course.
Usted puta!
Ay!
Oops!
Everything all right'?
Yeah. Why?
Want to borrow my car?
Okay, ii you're not using it.
That's good! That's good! That's good!
Oops!
It's okay.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
What?
Did Kale tell you about the one-way system at pick-up?
Uh-huh.
No. I didn't think so. It's okay.
All right, Toots, step on it!
Oh, boy.
Stop sign! Stop Sign!
Car! Car!
Agh. Jeez!
Where the hell did you learn how to drive?
Mexico.
Can you please gel that'?
Where's my phone'? Where's my phone'?
I'm waiting for a very... Sorry, it's down here.
Hello?
Olivia, I have Tim Prince from Creative.
Management Lit for you.
Okay.
Can't he dial a phone by himself?
Ssh!
Hey, babes!
Hi!
Yeah, oh, listen, so sorry about Allen. Awful.
Thanks, Tim. Thank you.
I caught my ex-wife in Downward Dug with my tantric
teacher coming out of her Central Eye. Do you feel so...
Who the hell is this guy'?
Okay, listen, babes, if anyone can go from editor to
author, it's you, and I mean that. Now I gut your sample
chapter' Give me a day or two to look it over.
Who says I like it gentle?
That's my girl. Okay. Gotta jump. Bye, babes.
Fascinating exchange.
How can men move on so quickly?
What?
Just like a switch for you, isn't it?
You ﬂip it off. Then you turn to the next one, you ﬂip that
one on, and when you get tired of that you just ﬂip another,
Like a pilot in a cockpit, ﬂip, ﬂip, ﬂip, ﬂip,
What the hell are you talking about?
Wishful thinking, Richard. I wish I was like that,
- Eyes on the road! - 'Do not enter'!
- Oh. Relax. Relax. - I am. I am very relaxed.
- You're like an old lady! - Oohh!
You men. You'd rather just go out there and have sex.
Than work things out-.
Yeah. Guilty as charged.
But your hornyness is nothing but a big mask
for you to hide behind.
And what's wrong with a big mask'? Huh?
- Let me ask you something. - Yeah.
How can you teach the Romantics. When you can"t.
Even have a real feeling?
Is irritation a real feeling? I mean, listen to you ﬂirt
on the phone with some guy who's calling you babes.
- Oh, please. - Oohing and ahhing.
No. I like it gentle. Good lord,
Anwar would think you were having an orgasm.
Anyway, you should hear some of the
stupid noises you guys make when you're...
You can't even say the word. Can you'? Come on,
What do we sound like?
For example. You have the bear...
Ah-aa.
I can see your tonsils.
Then you have the sports commentators.
Oh, yeah?
Goooooooal!
What kind of men have you been with.
You finished?
- No. - Of course.
And then the worst one, the worst one is the Tourette's one-
- What? - You know. Shit. Fuck!
I love you, fuck me! Oh, motherfucker, bitch!
I love you. Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!
Hey, that's sounded like you, Dad'
Ah.
I heard him once on the Walkie Talkie'
Of course, I do. Come on, Toots, this way.
This morning, Jake said he had a question about the rules.
He asked if he was allowed to use the Special Alphabet.
Oh, boy.
I didn't know what that was.
So we asked if he was allowed to say the 'A' word.
Oh.
Then he asked. Can I say bugger'? Crap? Dummy?
And when he got to 'F', he said. Am I allowed to say frick?
Because I know I'm not allowed to say fuck.
It was at that point, that I sent him to
the principal's office.
Then what did you say for '6'?
Goddamn.
Mr. Haig, how is Jake adjusting to your new...
living situation?
- No. No. - No. No, this is not
what it looks like or what it sounds like. No. No. No. no'
We don't need to have an explanation.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I would never... You've said enough.
Oh, wonderful!
I'll walk to the curb. Mind your hands!
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Um, I'm just gonna gel
some delicious productos Latinos. Hah-hah'
Hah-hah, yeah. And maybe a manicure?
Or a bikini wax.
Bye! I'll see you later. You take care,
- Whatever. - Bye.
We have two new members today.
We have Cindy and Richard. So, Cindy, you want to-
Hi, I'm Cindy and I'm an alcoholic.
Thank you, Cindy. Uh, Richard?
Hi, I'm Richard, and I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm English, a country with... a few thousand years of history,
And part of that history is the communal practice of having a
drink in the pub.
Now I know it's not your fault a few sad, sorry. Pilgrims
arrived here and infected your country with a message of.
Puritanical masochism. But it is your fault you've all taken
it on board quite so earnestly. So you chaps go ahead.
Knock yourselves out!
But just know this, the first thing I intend to do when
this hour is up. Is hit that bar across the street
and have a nice cold one.
Good luck with that!
Thank you, Chad.
If.
How are the Romantics relevant to you'?
Yeah, you know. The only reason I'm taking
this class is so I can get my GPA up,
so I can play baseball at Arizona State. so-
How about you, Stacy'
how are the Romantics relevant to you? Hm?
They're not.
You have been such a wonderful audience. I can't
wait to see you all next week, when I shall be lecturing
naked wearing a sombrero' It'll be so wonderful!
Fuck me.
Olivia!
Hey, babes! There you are!
Oh, Tim, hi!
How are you, beautiful?
Okay. About this...
This rocks!
Really?
It is smart. It is funny. Oh. I love Jenna.
Jane.
You might wanna change that.
Sex sells, 'Jane' makes me think of a nun in a wimple,
God, but you're so talented, you're so beautiful. Too.
I am going to take you to the stars.
All I ask is that these shoulders be the ones you
stand upon. Watch the silk, though. Huh?
- Hello? - Richard. Listen.
They've assigned your case for investigation.
Really? What does that mean?
You're under surveillance by an undercover federal agent.
- Jesus, fuck! - Relax.
Sorry. Sorry.
Shit, he's here tonight' He just ﬂashed his badge.
Don't fumble the ball now! All that matters is
that you exhibit good moral character, okay?
Okay, everybody! Grab a seat!
I'm Chad, and I am 13 days sober.
Yeah! Way to go, Chad! Woo-hoe!
All right, so why don't you tell us how that feels'
Well, you know. It started by not going-
Uh, Wendy'? Excuse me, Wendy?
Sorry, Chad, I didn't mean to interrupt your moment
of glory there' Um. My name is Richard'
And I'd like to amend my earlier comments about the drinking.
Doesn't mean we can't all be alcoholics. Because we are.
We are inebriates. National disgrace.
Urn, what else?
Oh, I'm married. Very happily so, oh, and I have a son, a.
Such meaning to my heart.
Get drunk and then gel behind the wheel of a car?
Yep, Well, there you have it. I'm an alcoholic.
Oop, I'm Richard, alcoholic.
Sorry. Yeah.
Jakey-Jakey, no, no, no. no.
No. Jakey, just tell him, just tell him...
tell him just to calm down.
Okay, no more cell phones.
Hey, hey, I'm here, I'm here, it's okay. It's...
I am so sorry.
It's all right, don't worry. Don't worry.
Ssh. I know, I know. Come on, Jakey, calm down.
Calm down, just breathe. There you go'
Breathe. Breathe, okay, ssh. Relax, use your words.
I had a bad dream.
Then I woke up, and Mommy wasn't here, and you were gone!
Aw. I'm really sorry, okay?
Hey, you know what we're gonna do'?
We're gonna blow that bad dream away. Okay?
Here let me catch it.
And then-
Pooww!
Look how ifs all gone. Okay. Give us a hug.
All right. Where's Teddy,
Oops. There he is.
All right, let's go to sleep. Come on-Say good night.
Good night.
There you go. My little warrior poet.
Go to sleep.
Dad. You and Mom are never gonna live together, are you?
No.
I'm sorry, but if you're ever upset about anything.
Anything at all, you go talk to your morn or talk to me.
Or Brian'?
Only if I'm stuck down a mine and your mum's in a coma,
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
I... I was completely useless.
It's okay.
I can"t Even take care of my little sister's child.
How hard can that be? Right?
Have you ever felt like everybody else has gotten their
shit together, but you?
I mean, my little sister has, even you have.
Huh. Well, I wouldn't go that far,
Look, it's just a lot different when it's your own kid.
Well, I wouldn't know about that, either.
I made some soup. Would you like some?
It's horrible.
Sure. I love horrible soup.
I know, ifs horrible. I can't even make a soup right.
Oh, boy.
You know, you're a really good father.
Oh, yeah, sure I am.
Richard, I am giving you a compliment. Just say thank you.
Thank you, Olivia.
I like it when you say my name.
You know. It's funny. Most women adore me to begin
with, and then end up hating me.
You, on the other hand, hated me right off the bat,
but now I think you despise me.
No, I despised you at the beginning.
Now I just loathe you a little sometimes.
Wow.
I packed your toothbrush. Your pajamas, and...
Hey. Guys! What's happening?
Where are you going?
My sleepover' Oh, yeah, the sleepover.
Have a good night, There you go. Soldier.
Thank you so much. Okay. Good night.
Let's go, Good night.
Enjoy your night out.
Hello?
Oh, there he is. What's up, Rich'?
Hi, Richard.
Yeah. Great, well done.
Leaving now, yeah. Sorry about that.
Yeah.
He's a little weird, huh?
Bye!
Hey, I'll be back for more, huh?
Bye, babes.
Had to leave early, did he?
Well, he did stay until he got the job done.
That was good of him.
Yeah, he's gonna come back tomorrow and bring a
friend. So we can all do it together.
The more the merrier.
Oh, for Christ's sake, we were working and then he
went surfing. You idiot. Now where is that bottle of wine?
I could use a drink.
Came on up.
Here you go.
Apology accepted.
Oh, good.
To friends.
A bit old for homework, aren't you?
Well. It's never too late to perfect new ways of
boring one's students.
So. You must be very excited to have Tim all over you.“
so to speak.“ about your book'
Well. Tonight he tore me to pieces.
Ooh.
It's hard to be judged by others.
It's very difficult to stay true to your own voice,
when everybody else wants you to do something else.
Made me think of Allen.
All the notes I gave him through the years.
It must have tortured him.
So it's not all bad then.
I'll be honest' I always thought he was an arrogant.
Little shit whose books are vapid and hackneyed.
And all I could ever think about when I skim-read them...
was you.
Me?
YOU.
Yes. And what could've been worse;
Being married to him or editing his schmaltzy drivel?
They both sucked.
Do you know who he's screwing?
MY gynecologist!
My gynecologist! I mean.
I actually thought that he was coming to our
appointments because he cared!
But no. He wanted to see the doctor!
Maybe you're better off without him,
Think about it, you're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful.
Terrible driver. But I'm sure you'll find
someone to overlook that.
You're just saying that.
Well, you are smart, you are funny
and you are very, very beautiful.
What the hell happened to my...
- Oh, shit! - My nuts! Ow!
Oh, my god! No!
They said they weren't coming back until tonight.
It's a good thing it's a military vehicle.
Okay, I gotta go to the house. Back to the house.
Buenos dies, Pedro!
Buenos dias, senora.
Do you have the keys, sweetie?
Oh, you know what? I think I left my phone in the car'
Hi.
You're naked.
If you're wondering where Jake is,
he's at a sleepover with Josh.
Why are you naked?
I'm just gonna go and swim a little bit more.
Hey, how's the lecture coming'?
I've passed kidney stones with greater ease'
Well, don't over think it. Just be honest, pithy, simple.
You know something? I think you're the first
woman I've ever really been friends with.
Well, that's a little sad. Richard, but very touching.
What brought about the sudden onset of sincerity?
I slept with someone and-
it actually meant something.
Well. That's great, Who'?
Olivia.
Are you kidding?
Richard, why don't you go down to your green card appointment.
Take out your samurai sword and disembowel yourself?
What is wrong with you'? Are you trying to get deported'?
I mean, Kate is gonna kill you!
Well. Kate's not gonna know about it, is she?
I mean, I'm not gonna tell her, and Olivia's not gonna tell her.
They are sisters, Richard! Close sisters!
And close sisters talk.
I gotta get over there!
- You better move! - I'm going!
Oh, god!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
Kate, hi. How's everything? Good?
Olivia told me everything'
Oh, she did?
I think it's awesome that she's started writing.
And she said you were really nice to her when I was away.
Oh, wonderful.
You know, I know I've been kind of a bitch to you lately.
Oh, that's okay.
And threatening not to come to your green card meeting
was totally out of line. I'm sorry.
Yeah, live and let live, forgive and forget, all of that-.
- We're cool? - We are so cool.
Okay.
Do you want to get me some lemonade?
- Good idea. - Thanks.
Okay, great.
Oh, god, where is she?
You smoke?
I Can"t Stop thinking about last night.
Nor can I.
We have to tell her.
No. No, no. This is not the time. Olivia!
The cigarette's gone to your head. Get back in the bushes.
Dad? There's a funny, old man here that wants to see you.
What?
Dad! What are you doing here?
Why in buggering hell have you been ignoring my calls?
Well...
Oh... hello' This must be the young tony.
Kate, my father.
Oh, my goodness, Mr. Haig!
It's so nice to meet you.
Wow! Oh, sorry, I'm soaking wet.
I need a shower anyway.
Oh. And who is this other vision of loveliness?
I'm Olivia. I'm Kate's sister.
Sis-Blimey... bookends.
Well, come inside. I'll make you up a room.
No. No. No. It's okay. Dad. Come with me. Come to the guesthouse.
- Are you sure? - No, that's okay, Kate.
I think I'd rather go.
Dad, come with me! You're staying with me!
Are you sure'? I promise you. All is good.
- Nice to meet you, - You. Too. And...
Why exactly are you here?
I'm visiting you and the little turd-fellow.
What's it bloody look like?
Well, I don"t Really know.
I mean, Jake, meet your grandfather.
Yeah I'm your granddad. I've got something for you that I brought
all the way from England' Would you like to see it?
Now that is a model of H.M.S. Defiance.
Wow.
God. Dad, you never let me used to touch that'
- Well... - Okay, I'll be right back.
Well, hey! Wait a minute. Where you going? You can't bear.
No. That's not it. Dad. Not at all.
Can I keep it?
Of course, you can bloody keep it, it's yours.
But don't put it in the bath, because it'll sink.
- Look what I found! - Way cool!
Where shall we put it? Here?
- On the top. - Yes, on the top.
Hello, my lovelies.
All I'm asking is, can you wait until Monday morning at 11:00?
Why'?
My green card interview...
and then after that,
you can tell her what you like, okay?
Dad, I need to go pee.
Come on then.
Hey! Where the bloody hell are you two going?
- Come on, hey, Jake! - Gotta go for a pee, Dad.
Hey. Jake, whip it out, come on!
Dad, you can"t Pee off the pier.
Jake, who are you gonna listen to? Your dad, who
{or some buggering reason has turned into a boring old fart?
Or your grandfather. Who's lived a rich and full
life and doesn't take shite from anybody?
You, Sorry, Dad.
There you go. Come on up here. There you go, up you go.
Wait. Come on. You. Too! If you're still my son. That is.
All right, on three.
One, two. Three. There that's it.
Well, somebody had their vitamins this morning. Huh?
You know. There are coconuts over there'?
Great isn't it'? There you go.
Beautiful. Oh, dear.
All right, all right, all right.
That's good stuff. I'll put on some tunes, huh, guys?
Aw, look at this' This is paradise, man.
You've ended up in paradise.
You know, they must be freezing their bollocks off in England.
Why are you really here?
Well, Joan left me, silly cow,
Well, I'm sorry.
Truly.
Oh. Well, well that makes me feel so much better.
I mean, God almighty. Thank you for those
profound words of sympathy.
Well. It's a lot more than you
ever said when Kate left me.
Well. I warned you about her.
She was a rampant. Little Yankee trollop.
You know what, Dad? Of course. Joan left you.
You're a misanthropic, misogynistic arsehole who
doesn't give a fuck about anybody, least ol all the poor.
Is that it'? Is that all you've got?
And you did it all in the name of some misguided credo called
'fun'. Which you brainwashed me with in the first place.
Guys, dig this song?
Bugger off!
That's it then. Is it. Boy Wonder?
So you finally got it off your chest, have you?
You know what, Dad?
Why don't you just bugger off for once.
For once.
Why don't you be the one to bugger off.
Brian, go back to my wife.
Go on.
Just-just go back.
Thank you for that wonderful sharing.
Seriously, this has been absolutely a marvelous session.
I've learned so much.
Give yourselves a big hand, everybody'
Wendy, I was wondering if you could sign my form to
show that I've done the ten sessions?
I'm sorry, Richard, I can't.
Why? I mean, I came, I did the whole 'I'm an alcoholic'.
But it's not about just saying the words,
you have to actually mean them.
Ay-yay-yay.
Cindy, right?
I just spent the last week listening to that drivel.
So some witless, little ninny will sign a piece of
paper to say I'm an okay kind of guy! Absolute bollocks.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hey, you wanna get a drink?
Actually, maybe not, I've got a grueling lecture in an hour.
How about a joint?
Just kidding. Bad joke, I didn't want my son to find it.
I don't touch the stuff, ifs my dad's.
He likes to puff.
Okay.
Good luck with your lecture.
Thank you.
I want you all to imagine you're at Cambridge University.
The year is 1807.
You walk across the quad of Trinity College into the lecture
hall where you find your fellow classmate. Lord Byron.
Who in defiance of college rules about dogs has brought
a bear to class instead.
You know what'?
Forget about that.
Why are the Romantics relevant today?
Hm'?
Honestly, they're not.
Stacy go! It right.
And Dwight, he can"t Stop thinking about home runs and
fastballs when he reads Byron and Coleridge.
Because...
we're teaching words.
Words. But we're not teaching meaning.
I've got it all wrong.
I can tell you about Byron and his bear.
Wordsworth falling in love with his cousin.
Coleridge falling in love with cocaine.
I can tell you what's behind the words from them.
But I can't tell you what's behind those words for you,
Because this class is about you.
Learning to find your own meaning.
Your own voices.
Go read the poems. But know this. That at this moment.
You are the Romantics. You are the relevant ones'
Let Byron, Coleridge, Wordsworth inspire you
to do your thing. To go your own way.
Stacy, quit texting. Call him, right now'
Dwight, go play ball. Ignore anyone who says no, you can't'
Follow your hearts. Do good things, be bold.
And above all else. Stick it to the man.
Well, Dad, I totally fucked up my audition in that job.
I stuck it to them, all right.
I stuck it to myself in the process, too.
Hey, listen, you silly old sod, you just bolted before I could
apologize' Why are you so thin-skinned these days?
All right, call me back.
Four Thousand Dollars should cover it.
What?
There all on the back fender. Unmistakable.
1954 MG TFs do not come cheap, my friend.
Absolutely not. Can I give you a check?
I'd prefer cash.
I want to be the first to congratulate you. Welcome to
the English department of the University of Los Angeles.
Yes!
Oh, good!
Thank you, boss.
Might as well do the other side as well.
Let's go have a pint.
A pint of what? Oil?
Hardy-her, I'll always laugh at your jokes.
Hey! I got the job!
ULA! Knock it oui of the ballpark. Home run.
Congratulations!
I feel fantastic! And I feel fantastic about you,
Now what we did. Making love... no. Listen. Please. Hear me out.
Kate and I have been separated for two years!
Why should we feel bad? We're grown-ups!
And if Kale doesn't like it, she can bloody well just go...
hey. You! Ah, Brian. Okay, okay, in the vault.
Ah, Kate.
Olivia-
my best friend-
total trust-
No secrets!
We... we we're gonna...
You know what? If you want him, take him,
but get out of my house!
Well, now, maybe... okay.
If.
Thank you.
Ernesto, sorry I'm late.
Where's your wife?
Not coming. She sends her regards.
Okay, strike one. She's not here.
Strike two, you failed the recovery program.
We may be 0 and 2, but were gonna swing for the fences on
the University of Los Angeles.
- Morning, Officer Lewis. - Why has it taken
nearly three years to schedule this interview?
Well, my client never received all of the
notifications from ICE.
Is this your handwriting, Mr. Haig?
Some of it is. Some of it's also my son's...
working on his cursive.
Can you explain this?
Yes, well, that's not my fault.
Pain killers, dental surgery.
My client's done ten sessions of a recovery program
to show his good character.
Where's the lefter of completion?
In the mail with bue-locks written on it'?
It's bullocks, actually.
Officer Armstrong?
Please describe how Mr. Haig tried to offer you marijuana.
The other night, as I was leaving the recovery center.
Mr. Haig asked me if I wanted some marijuana-.
- On, pfft. - Under California law.
Distribution of marijuana is a felony.
That's true.
What is it you say. Mr. Haig? Cheerios?
There you have it. The whole sorry saga.
Ernesto did do one thing to justify his exorbitant fee.
He got me this one hour with you.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Jake.
Time's up.
Jake, please. I really am so sorry.
I love you. Do you hear me? I am so sorry.
If.
That is no country for old men.
The young in one another's arms. Birds in the trees.
Those dying generations at their song.
So what's Yeats saying here?
He's a 60-year-old man looking at young people, screwing and
living, blissfully unthinking about their own mortality.
Yeats knows he's just an aged man.
But his dreams are of Byzantium.
Hello?
This is Memorial General,
we need to talk to you about your father.
What the buggering hell are you doing here?
You hate hospitals.
I do, I hate bloody hospitals.
But I love the nurses.
How's my little Jake?
He's all right, Dad.
You know I...
I don't think I could have done what you did.
You stuck with that boy through all the muck and bullocks,
You're a better man than I. Gunga Din'
I don't know about that, Dad.
Are you still shagging the Yank totty's sister, are we?
No, I blew that one.
Threw away a pearl beyond price.
And tony. And tom's sister. None of us are talking,
It's all a big mess.
Marvelous bloody place, they're livin', eh'? California eh'?
Mm-hm.
Sunshine, beaches and girls.
Marijuana.
God, how the buggerin hell did I miss out on that for so long'?
YOU came.
You saw it once.
It all goes so fast.
These buggers here, they don't think I've got long.
Well, it's all a load of bullocks, really'
What is?
You know, {herds nothing honorable in misery, Richard'
Came diam!
Boff and be merry!
Now listen“. You listen to me carefully,
This might be the most-
important bit of advice I'll ever give you.
For God's sake, man. Go and get your bloody girl.
Go on.
Bugger off.
Hey, Richard...
You remember my epitaph.
Of course I do, Dad.
Of course I do.
Byzantium is the place he longs for,
He needs to make this journey.
I'm gonna son this all out. I promise you.
- Okay, Jake'? - How?
I'll Skype you tomorrow, okay?
Is she talking to Olivia yet?
Olivia's book launch is here next week and Kale
isn't even going. She's icing everyone out. Even me.
All right, see you, Brian.
Yeats knows that unless he makes this journey.
Unless he defies logic and authority.
Unless his soul claps hands and sings out loud.“
He is nothing more than a tattered coat upon a stick.
You old bugger.
There is a country for old men.
Ernesto? Richard Haig' Como esta?
If.
Adios!
Hey, Dad.
Hi, Jakey.
Go to the door and tell me what you see,
Okay.
Oh, look at you, boy. Oh! Look at you.
Richie!
Thank god you're here, dude! Oh, thank god. Thank god.
You can let go now, Brian. That's okay.
Can you believe it, Mum? He's really here.
- Hi, Kate. - Hey. How did you get here.
Uh. I just came across the border.
It's an old trick of mine.
What if you gel caught?
I won't, I'll be gone before they know it'
Hey. Remember my lawyer. Ernesto?
He's gonna sort this whole mess out. Okay?
Yay!
Don't you worry' Probably gonna cost me a fortune.
And look, Kate, we can't keep going like this.
Jakey needs his mom and dad to be adults, right?
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry we hurt you.
Olivia wanted to tell you and it was my fault she didn't.
But you're sisters, come on.
Cut her some slack.
Life is so short, Kate.
Like my dad used to say, carpe diem.
Let's buff and be merry.
Av? ' Okay,
Great.
Great. And one last thing...
can I take a shower? Please?
He really stinks.
Thank you everybody for coming.
I would like to thank my agent Tim Prince'
I would also like to thank my ex-brother-in-law Richard.
He was the inspiration for the
burnt-out recovering alcoholic cop who saves the day.
Although he doesn't know it, so let's not tell him.
And lastly, I would like to thank somebody very special to
me who couldn't be here today.
Which is nobody's fault but mine'
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
- So sorry. - I'm sorry. Too.
Let's never fight again, okay?
Came here.
Let's go back inside.
Just give me a minute, all right.
Okay.
Hi.
YOU came!
Piece of cake.
I came because I love you.
I came because I need you.
I need my son.
I need my family.
That's why I came.
You want to hear something crazy.
What?
I knew you'd come.
It's irrational.
You and I, we've only had moments. Now we have time'
I spent my whole life in opposition to this man.
Honestly, he never did a bloody thing for me.
Except this.
Asking me to scatter his ashes here.
And it saved my life...
because it brought me back to the people I
love most in this world.
Even you, Brian.
You're the man, Richard.
Well, there comes a time. And there's always a time.
And I guess this is the time.
So. Jakey, shall we set Grandpa free?
Okay, Dad...
enjoy paradise!
So, how long are you staying?
Okay, Jakey. Listen to me here.
I have to sort out a few things first.
But maybe marrying your aunt might help.
What?
Well. I am down on one knee'
Then get up and kiss me again.
♪ Hope it helped -> bozxphd ♪