TYRES SQUEAL
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER That's it, Pusface!
Jonny! Keep running!
Get off! What?
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
I did it! You weirdo.
Running all the way.
Water! Water, please? Ugh! Please?
My champion!
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
It worked! It worked! Jonathan!
Come in, Adam.
YOU... can piss off! What...? Oi!
My little Bobble.
Running home to Mummy.
That was a killer. Classic.
Ow!
Mum! Come through, sweetie.
Dead.
HE CHORTLES
Here you are, darling.
Thirsty. I bet you are. So brave.
So brave? So disgusting!
SNIFFS Oh, he stinks.
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty groin juice all over your face?
You dare! Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!
TUTS Oh, beef tonight.
Beef? Boom! Yes!
# Bring it on! #
And I thought maybe you were going to ask your girlfriends over,
you know, the ones we've never met?
You thought wrong. Very wrong.
Oh, it is Dad's birthday.
Where is the birthday boy... er, man?
And what is this doing here?
Cos your not-mad father made me take it all down.
Did he?He's been such a misery guts all day.
I don't know what to do with him. Push him off the roof?
LAUGHS Finally.
Wait! Just a minute.
There, Bobble. Really?
Good boy.
Good dog. Pissface!
Oh, hello, Martin. GRUNTS
Happy birthday, Dad. Happy birthday.
Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!
Can you please stop saying "balls" every time anyone wishes you
a happy birthday?! See?
Why are you dressed like a berk?
You are in a good mood, aren't you?
Martin, you know Adam was running here tonight.
Why were you running again?
Cos he's a tit. Groin juice? Don't you dare!
Don't you remember? For his training.
The race, remember? Sunday?
What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.
It's not a marathon. Really?
You're running a marathon, aren't you? Very good.
You know it's not a marathon. Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.
You don't mean quarter marathon, do you?
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter marathon, is it?
It's a half marathon. Mum, I told you, it's a quarter marathon.
That's what I've been training for a quarter marathon.
Quarter marathon? Does that even exist?
I bet you couldn't run a quarter marathon.
Course I could. What, is it? A mile? Er, 6.5 miles.
6.55 miles.
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!
Boys, behave!
Pusface.
Did you make these?
Seriously, do you have to be such a dick?
Yup. And seriously, do you have to smell like a sewer?
Um, no, that's just your face.
Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!
No!Adam!
JONNY HOWLS
It's actually 6.554 miles.
Oh!
So, we only got you a couple of things,
cos you only asked for a couple of things.
The world's most boring couple of things.
Here. Is this a present?
No, it's your arse.
Course it's a present!
No need to say thank you.
It's a battery tester. Yes.
Well, say thank you.
In a minute! I haven't tested it yet.
You're going to test the battery tester? Obviously.
God, how much crap do you keep in your pockets?
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!
Ow! God, Dad!Martin!
LAUGHS Nice shot, Dad.
TESTER BEEPS
It works.
You're welcome.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, please stop calling me.
SIGHS It's your wretched mother again.
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.
Hello again, Cynthia.
It's Martin's birthday.
I know, Cynthia.
Martin's my only son.
Cynthia, we've had this conversation three times already.
We're having a quiet night in, just the four of us, OK?
She hung up. Again. Good. Nice one, Mum.
I'm sorry, but I'm not having that grotty old moose ruining
another of Dad's birthdays.
Yes, another of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
Huh?
Here, Mr Wonderful.
Is that my other present?
No, it's your other arse.
Drill bits. You're welcome again.
Where are you going?
Well, to test the drill bits, obviously.
CHUCKLES What is wrong with him tonight?
Maybe we could drill into his head to find out.
DRILLING Dad!Right!
I'm not having any more of this crap!
My drill!
Martin! It's your birthday!
Why are you being such a grumpy git the whole time?
What are you talking about? I'm serious.
What is going on? What?
Nothing is going on.
TUTS
Dad? Dad?
HE SIGHS All right! God.
I'm not going into space.
I'm sorry?
I'm not going into bloody space!
Wha...?
You're not going into space? When are you not going into space?
Tonight? Well, obviously not tonight!
Did you see my spaceship outside?
Er, have you been drinking?
Yeah, out of the drains? What are you talking about, Martin?
I read an article.
Right.
Read it.
What? The whole article?
Oh, bleeding hell!
"Affordable space travel for all
"not expected until 2050, say experts."
And?
2050.
And? Well, I'll be dead by then, won't I?
Will you? Yes.
Right, and who told you that? Your psychic doctor?
Prats. The computer system.
It's called the internet, but do go on.
There was this programme on it, and it asks your date of birth
and other stuff, and then it tells you when you're going to,
you know, die.
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
I die on April 9th, 2048.
Oh, my God, Dad! I did yours as well.
No way! What? You did the boys?
Er, we really don't want to know when we die, thank you! Yeah!
You looked up when our lovely sons are going to...
...perish? What?
How could you do such a thing? You didn't do mine, did you?
Well, you last a couple of months after me.
Oh, my God! Incredible. 3rd of June, 2048.
Dad!Martin! Right.
Thank you for telling me when I'm actually going to die.
Thank you so much!
You're unbelievable!
Eh? Calm down, Jackie.
It's probably not the exact exact date.
Just go away. Although, it's probably pretty close,
because I did have to put in quite a lot of your medical data so, er...
Right. Thank you again!
DOORBELL
SIGHS
If that's your bloody mother coming to ruin everything...
I am so angry with you!
Well done. Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
Please don't be her.
GROANS
Jackie?
Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
Um, can I help you, Jim? What?
Oh, yes, we just popped round to wish Martin a happy birthday,
didn't we, Milson?
Um, hello, Jim.
Happy birthday, Martin.
Balls!Ugh!
Um, Jim, could I have your date of birth, please?
OTHERS: Do not tell him! Don't tell him that!
Right, why don't you go in there and practise holding your breath
for an hour, hmm? Jackie!
Bye-bye, Martin.
But, Jackie!
Anything else, Jim? Yes, um,
I wondered if I could perhaps perform some magic tricks
for the birthday boy.
What? Magic tricks?
You do magic?
Oh, yes, we've been teaching ourselves
lots of magic tricks lately, haven't we, Milson?
Look.
NERVY MUTTERINGS
What are you doing?
Magic with my magic hankie.
Does Martin enjoy magic?
Absolutely hates it. Would rather set his head on fire.
Um, do come in, Jim.
Any card? Any card, Martin.
Bleeding hell. Now what?
Look at the card.
And now tell me what the card is.
Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.
BREATHES HEAVILY
Martin Goodman, is your card the King Of Diamonds?
What? No. The Four Of Clubs!
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
Well, thanks so much, Jim.
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think Jim's quite finished. Have you?
Oh, no, Jackie, I've got lots more magic for Martin.
How exciting!
Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!
Bravo! Buggers.
Well, that's your dad sorted for the night!
Maybe Jim will saw him in half.
CHUCKLES Or much smaller pieces.
Shall we just start dinner without him? Yes, please! Definitely.
Right. Birthday beef without the birthday boy!
# Skill McGill! # # Skilligan McGilligan! #
DOOR CLOSES Huh? Hello?
What are you doing? Where's Jim? He's gone.Gone?
Yeah, I paid him and he went. You paid him? Ah!
So that's how you get rid of Jim.
What did you pay him with? I found 20 quid in your purse.
Fantastic. Er, thank you very much, Martin.
Can I have my dinner now? No, you cannot have your dinner now.
Boys?
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding eat? It's my birthday!
Er, really? I thought it was your death day.
Not this crap again.Well, maybe we don't want our dinner
with someone who keeps telling us when we're gonna drop dead. What?
I didn't tell you when the boys were going to drop dead. How kind.
Anyway, those two have nothing to worry about.
They go on for years. Please shut up.
Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.
You last right up to the Mars Colonisation Programme.
Um, and what year is the Mars Colonisation Programme?
Er...
2085.
GROANS Wait! 2085 that's all right, isn't it?
Er, yeah, actually, that is ages away.
See? And you get to go to Mars, you lucky sods.
What do you think about that?
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.
Sorry, no. Adam, you get to go to Mars.
Jonny, you don't. What? Cos you die first.
Ah! I die first?
But Adam's older than me!
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of his, you know, running and exercise.
Of course! My running and exercise.
HE HEAVES
July 22nd, 2082. That's when you die.
Oh, my God!What?
Dad just told me my death day. Oh, Martin! Ow!
July 22nd, 2082. Don't tell me, Jonny!
Ow!
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?
That is fantastic. I need a drink.
But, Jackie, Mars! Don't you think that's incredible?
Mars, Mars, Mars.
Brilliant. Well, I promise I'll give you a lovely funeral.
Thank you. And I'll try not to fart on your grave.
Pusface!
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it, working out when you're gonna die?
Yeah. It's just a shame you never took up running.
Right, well, I'll just start running now, then I'll live longer than you.
You're gonna start running now, are you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.
Sorry? You want to go for a run right now?
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!
Where are you going? Putting my shoes on.
Pissface? Your mother! What?
Oh.Yeah.
Go on, then.
March 20th, 2085.
Great.
You're running now? Now?
Yes!You can't run now. We've got beef.
Can you move out of the way, please?Jonny!
Yes, he has gone insane.
Right. Ready, Pusface?
Wait. That's not... Oh, my God.
Horrible Grandma.
Happy birthday, Martin.
Balls!
Banning me from seeing my son on his birthday...
I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.
My only son.
I don't think we got your card this year, did we, Martin?
Jackie. That's because I didn't send a card.
Fair enough.
Oh, I thought you were going to give Martin a present then.
Bleeding hell, Jackie.
Why would I give Martin a present?
His birthday, perhaps?
But he's not a baby.
Um, that's not quite how birthdays work...
Horrible.....Grandma.
I stopped giving Martin presents years ago when he was seven.
Six. Yes, six.
I remember, because I just re-wrapped the same present
I'd given him when he was five.
SHE LAUGHS
Lovely. A whistle.
Lovely.
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
Jackie, can we bloody eat now? All right!
I'm looking forward to the beef.
Oh, are you, Cynthia?
Well, it's about the only thing you make that's edible.
Get rid of her? How am I going to get rid of her?
Er, poison?
Garrotting? Drowning in a bucket!
Any of those will do. Idiots.
I really don't care how you get rid of her, Martin.
You can take her to Mars in your spaceship if you like.
Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!
Ju... OK.
Let's all just sit down, eat our beef and...
Eat our beef?! I am not eating my lovely beef with that... woman!
But, Jackie...And instead of looking up
when your wife and kids drop dead,
why don't you look up when your pig of a mother snuffs it?!
Er, yes, actually!
Who the hell do you think I looked up first?!
And? She lives to a shitting hundred.
Of course she does.What?!
OK, if you're not going to get rid of her,
you can have your dinner with her.
Huh?
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me tonight or what?
Oh, yes, Cynthia.
And? Grim.
Really? How grim?
Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday, so...
To Dad's shitty birthday!
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!
Uh...
Er, no, you're not allowed in here!
What? Please don't send me back in there.
Martin, go and sit with your mother!
But, Jackie, I can't take it in there any more.
Any more? You've been in there for, like, two minutes.
What, that long?!
Oh, hello, Mum.
There's been a little accident.
It's all over them!
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
I must have just slipped and somehow bumped into the bottle.
It's on the walls as well!
Yes, it is, isn't it?
And this wall?
You did this on purpose, didn't you, Cynthia?
I beg your pardon? Oh, God.
You know, Cynthia, you come here and you treat this place like crap.
Oh, do I, Jacqueline?
Yes, you bloody do!
Well, maybe that's because this place IS crap.
Er...This place is crap, is it?
Yes. Crap.
And the food.Really?
I thought you liked my beef - you said it was "edible".
Well, I was wrong.
It was inedible.
Sort of see that one coming.
And you know what else is crap?
No, do tell me.
Your family.
Your family is crap.
You'd better bloody say something right now.
Er, Mum...
Have you finished your meal?
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
Well, I've got news for you, Cynthia -
you're part of this crap family!
And don't I bloody know it?!
With my crap daughter-in-law and her crap hair!
WHISPERS: Crap hair?!
And those idiotic boys,
whose names I can barely be bothered to remember.
I'm Nicholas. And I'm Lawrence.
And your son? Eh, Cynthia?
What about your son? Your only son?
Well, he used to be bearable,
but then he met you.
Right!
Martin?
I'm not taking this shit any more!
You, Cynthia Goodman, are a terrible mother!
Hooray!
And a terrible human being!
Hoorah!
Oh, it's all coming out now!
Well, don't think I don't know your secret name for me.
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!
Cos you're the most horrible grandma in the world.
JACKIE: Er, universe. Multiverse.Huh?
Well, cos scientists think there could be
any number of universes out there.
Yeah, maybe later.
Well, since you all hate me so much...
And we do.
You're going home and never coming back? No.
I'm going to stay right here and you'll never get rid of me!
SHE GIGGLES
You're a pig!
Well, you would know!
DOOR SLAMS
Oh, my God.
What just happened?
More gin. More gin!
GLASS SMASHES
What the...?
Huh?
Oh, dear! The shelves just fell off the wall!
OK, if that cow isn't out of this bloody house
in two seconds... I just told you I'm not going anywhere!
Right, then, I'm getting out of this bloody house!
Jackie...Boys, we're going for a run.
What?! Mum?
And, Martin? Yes?
You're staying here and guarding your lunatic of a mother.
Oh, shitting shit!
Careful you don't break both your legs, Jacqueline.
SHE GROWLS
CYNTHIA GIGGLES
Come on! Best night ever? Possible!
Hello, all!
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
Sorry, Jackie, but I think I left something in your house.
Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK? Excuse me.
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!
It's my hankie.
Your hankie.
My magic hankie.
I'm sure I left it in here somewhere.
Please hurry up. Please!
I can't believe you made her tea.
HE SPLUTTERS
It's delicious.
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
It was in my pocket the whole time.
HE SNORTS
What is it?
It's my magic hankie.
Well, bye, all!
MARTIN:Er, goodbye, Jim.
Actually, Jim...
..how would you like to perform some magic
for my wonderful mother-in-law?
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...
..the ten of hearts?
I just told you, you idiot - it's the queen of bloody spades!
Oh.
Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?
Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?
Perhaps you'd like to see me make something disappear?
I'd like to see you make SOMEONE disappear.
Actually, why don't you make me disappear from this stupid craphole?
Aw, how sweet.
Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
The magic towel?
The magic towel.
And so...
..I say the magic word...
HE STUTTERS:..abadababadababada...
..and she's gone!
Er, isn't she just sort of behind the towel?
What? Oh, no, no, she's definitely disappeared.
Right.
And now, with the power of magic, I will make her come back again.
Please don't.
HE STUTTERS
Cynthia?
As I said, with such a massive heart attack,
she really wouldn't have felt a thing, Mr Goodman.
All just very quick and painless.
A good way to go.
Thanks, Doctor.Thank you.
HE EXHALES Wow.
Yeah.
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry that I killed your mother...
..with my magic.
Er, right, Jim.
In a way, I did sort of make her disappear.
Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.
Good girl.
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20 back.
Buy yourself something nice at the funeral.
Er...Goodbye, Jim.
Well, she definitely didn't last to 100.
Adam.
It's all just so strange.
What? Being murdered by magic? Jonny!
And on my birthday, too.
Yeah, your birthday.
What a birthday.
HE SOBS
Oh, poor Dad.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Dad.
HE CRIES
That's it, Martin.
Aw, let it all out.
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
Er...It's just nerves.
Is it nerves?
It's not nerves!
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
# I change shapes just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal