[BELINDA CARLISLE'S "MAD ABOUT YOU" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Mad about you
Is this a pajama party or a funeral?
A pajama party. Come on, guys.
Mad about love
Mad about you
You and I
Something 'bout you
Right here beside me
Touches the touched part of me Like I can't believe
Pushing the night
Into the daytime
Watching the sky's first light While the city sleeps
Mad about you Mad about you
Lost in your eyes
Mad about love
Mad about you
You and I
Mad about you
Mike?
[BEN SCREAMS]
MIKE: Shh!
You scare me like that again, I'm gonna slug you.
Shh!
Look, Ben, you said you were up to this caper, now if you're not--
I borrowed the snake from Stinky Sullivan, didn't I?
I got it in the house, didn't I?
I even got Mom and Dad to go for a walk.
I've done everything, you've done nothing.
Wrong.
Look, first, I'm the guy who thought of this plan.
And second, I let you help me.
All right? Now for the next step.
Do you remember what you say when I run there to rescue the girls?
Yeah. "Be careful, Mike, Cecil抯 poisonous."
No, no, Ben, Ben, you don't call the snake "Cecil."
-All right? -That's his name.
Ben, it's supposed to be a wild snake.
Wild snakes don't have names.
How do you know?
Look, I don't care. Let's get the plan straight, all right?
JASON: The plan!
What are you people trying to do to me?
-What's going on? -Uh, nothing.
Oh, how long has nothing been going on?
About 10 minutes.
You promised me that you wouldn't bother your sister's party.
Look, Mom, I give you my word.
I have not set foot in that house since you went out.
So you've been doing the dirty work?
Cecil not dirty.
Cecil?
[HORN HONKS]
-Howdy, landlubbers. MAGGIE: Hi, Dad.
BEN: Oh, it's Grandpa.
-Hey. ED: Hey, Kate.
Come around and say hello to Maggie and all.
Yo.
BEN: Grandma. MIKE: Hey, Grandma.
Ed, what's all this?
Well, we just happened to be in the neighborhood and we thought we'd drop in.
You're 200 miles away from home.
No, we ain't, this is home.
The house has been sold.
What? You sold your--?
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
They found Cecil.
[SCREAMING]
Whoa, whoa, easy now, ladies.
-What seems to be the problem? -Snake.
-Oh, no. -It's probably in the sleeping bag, Mike.
They like warm places.
All right, let's stand back, everybody.
Ben, if I don't make it, call 911.
Nice touch.
Wait a minute, I smell a rat.
A rat?
[SCREAMING]
Don't worry, I'll get rid of it.
[GRUNTING]
What's going on here--?
What are you doing with Stinky Sullivan's snake?
Yup, that's my brother.
Crazy and funny Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you guys please do something about Mike?
He's embarrassing me beyond belief.
Yup, just life of the party Mike.
[CAROL LAUGHS]
-Oh, Carol. -Grandma.
Look how my little baby girl has grown up.
Why, have you started wearing a bra?
My life is over.
Mike, Ben, in the kitchen now.
You were great, Cecil.
Mom, let's talk in the kitchen.
Well, at least you have a kitchen.
Don't worry about it, Shelley. The snake is gone.
[STAMMERING] What about the rat?
GIRL: A rat.
[SCREAMING]
Now, Mike, we all agreed.
There's nobody in that living room tonight except Carol and her friends.
How come you're picking on just me?
Because I'm sure little Ben is an innocent party to all of this.
[CHUCKLES]
Ben and Mike, upstairs and in bed right now.
And take your reptile with you.
That way.
Okay, all right, but before we go...
...let's just clear up exactly what this off-limits area includes.
Go.
Jeez.
So, Mom, this business of selling the house, what's going on?
Uh, nothing I care to discuss right now.
Well, I was just going out to talk to Ed.
You know how Ed and I love to pal around.
-Ed. -Where can I plug this?
Well....
Anywhere, Daddy.
Uh, I was just coming out to see you, Ed.
Why?
Daddy, he wants to see your trailer.
Maggie, that is not a trailer.
That is a 1987 Meanderer Deluxe.
-"The Vagabond's Dream--" -"The Vagabond's Dream Machine."
[JASON CHUCKLES]
-You know about that? -Oh, I've seen the ads.
Well, maybe you'd like to go outside and check it out.
Maybe you can help me turn it around.
Well, all right.
So, Mom, why on Earth did you sell your house?
I blame it all on my cousin Effie.
-What did she do? -She died.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -I never liked her anyway.
Oh, but I did go to her funeral.
I was only gone three days.
When I came back, your father had sold the house without even consulting me...
...and bought that monstrosity out there...
...which he says we're gonna spend the rest of our days in.
-Well, that doesn't sound like Daddy. -Oh, yes, it does.
He's been acting strangely ever since we went to Niagara Falls.
-When did you go to Niagara Falls? -On our honeymoon.
Mom, have you told Daddy how unhappy you are about all this?
Oh, I've given him plenty of hints.
I sit still, staring straight ahead with a vacant look on my face.
Mom, you always have a vacant look on your face.
ED: Go ahead. JASON: That's okay.
No, see for yourself.
-I take your word for it. -You never take my word for it.
Okay.
Well, let's see. Ooh.
-Well? -Nice.
Yeah.
-And it's durable. -It is, I can feel--
[JASON CHUCKLES]
ED: Huh? Aha. JASON: Ah.
You know, the brochures never do these things justice.
No.
-Press the thingamajig. -No, that's all right.
Press that darn-- That's it.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Sweet.
Well, I figure if this is gonna be my castle, I ought to have a decent throne.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, I could be happy in there.
Listen, out in Hollywood, some of the stars use this, uh, Meanderer Deluxe...
-...for their dressing rooms. JASON: Ah.
I figure if it's good enough for Loni Anderson...
...it's good enough for a retired cop.
Well, this is terrific, Ed.
Forget Loni Anderson.
[ED CHUCKLES]
I can't.
Whoa. Cowabunga.
Yeah, I didn't know you had a sense of humor.
Show me a man been married 1 7 years I'll show you a man with a sense of humor.
You know, you're okay.
-Oh, look at that captain's chair. -Yeah.
Would you like to try it on for size?
-Could I? -Be my guest.
All right. Oh, Ed.
ED: Huh?
-I envy you, Ed. -Yeah.
You envy me?
You kidding? Boy, cruising those highways.
Every day a different vista out that window.
Tied to nothing but the open road...
...and free to find adventure, follow wherever it leads.
No responsibilities.
No patients waiting for you with problems that would just break your heart...
...if you didn't remind yourself constantly to keep your professional distance.
What the hell are you talking about?
Nothing, just a....
Well, you know, when the kids grow up, I would love to try something like this.
-You would? Gee. -Mm-hm.
I just hope I have the courage to do what you did.
Courage?
Well, boy....
Jason, I haven't been wrong about you all these years, have I?
You called me Jason.
-That is your name, isn't it? -Yeah.
[KNOCKING]
MAGGIE: Jason. -In here, honey.
Margaret Kathryn, come in here and see what your dear old dad...
...had the courage to buy.
-You can do it. -No, I can't.
-Yes, you can. -No, I can't.
Jason, we have to go.
Jason, I wanna show you something.
-This can wait, Maggie. -No, it can't.
-Did he just call you "Jason"? -Uh-huh.
Jason, when I say the words "Meanderer Deluxe"...
...now, what one feature comes to mind, huh?
You didn't order the--
BOTH: Custom cabin level control.
-I sure as hell did. -Stop it! Ha, ha.
ED: There it is, right here.
You never can tell when you're gonna have to park on a 10-degree angle.
JASON: Whoa. That's good.
-Or a 20. KATE: This is not a good time, Maggie.
-Or a 30-degree angle. -Mom, it's the perfect time.
[KATE AND MAGGIE YELL]
Okay, Maggie, what is it?
Maggie?
So at that point, I told her that she owed it to herself...
...as well as Daddy to tell him how she really felt about this...
...and, for once, stand up for her rights.
Maggie, that was terrible advice.
Aren't you always telling me how important it is to be truthful about our feelings?
Honey, that's for us.
Your parents' marriage has never been based on truth.
-And that's a good thing? -It's kept them happily married for 37 years.
Maggie is right.
You are the most pigheaded man I have ever met.
And I am not stepping foot on this overblown tin can again.
Ha! That's just fine.
But come midnight tonight, I'm pulling out of here with you or without you.
And you can put that in your pipe and smoke it, Miss Gloria Steinbrenner.
Maggie?
Jason?
Which room is mine?
If you put your faith in any man, you'll live to regret it.
All men go wacko eventually.
You hear me?
Oh, yeah.
Carol, go back to your slumber party.
Grandma won't let us.
It's okay.
Mom, go ahead and make yourself a pot of tea.
And Jason and I will make up a bed for you.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
I can sleep in the garage.
You will not.
Come on, Jason, I wanna talk to you.
I was afraid of that.
-Grandma, hi. -Oh, Benny.
We have such a good time with you.
Putting puzzles together, singing songs around the piano--
Piano?
Did I hear someone mention the piano?
Benny was just saying that--
Say, Grandma, you don't happen to know any new tunes, do you?
Well, as a matter of fact, I just bought the Dire Straits songbook.
BEN & MIKE: Ooh!
Hey, did Benny mention that we just got our piano tuned?
Oh.
Jason, you've got to talk some sense into him.
This is their business. Let them work it out.
Oh, they aren't gonna work anything out. Mom will never speak to Dad again.
Now, how do you know that?
Because if you ever did anything...
...as stupid as expecting me to live in a tin thing like some hobo or something...
...I'd certainly never speak to you again.
It's good to find out now.
[DIRE STRAITS' "MONEY FOR NOTHING" PLAYING ON PIANO]
[SINGING] Now look at them yo-yos
That's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' That's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and the chicks are free
Everybody, let's boogie.
-Hey, Mike, how many times--? -Hey, Dad.
We're just, uh, protecting the womenfolk here, you know.
Especially since that prowler has been in the neighborhood...
...stealing the nightgowns of teenage women.
[SCREAMS]
JASON: Ed?
[ED GRUNTS]
Oh, look, Jason, I was just starting to like you.
So don't go saying something that's gonna make me have no use for you again, okay?
Well, this could be a short conversation.
ED: Ah.
Perfect.
Ed, I could, uh, use your help.
-Car trouble? -No, you see, uh....
Well, right now I'm having a problem keeping Maggie happy.
Now, I won't put up with any of that sex talk.
It's nothing like that, Ed.
She asked me to tell you...
...that this whole idea of you spending the rest of your life traveling is stupid.
My problem is, I think it's fabulous.
She also wanted me to tell you you're treating Kate unfairly.
I don't know if I agree or not, but it's none of my business.
Well, you're right about that.
I have to tell her we talked about something.
Like what?
Well, like, uh, what am I supposed to say to her when she says:
"How come my dad did all this without consulting my mom?"
Why should I have to consult her?
[CHUCKLES]
Ed, some married couples actually do talk to each other.
You're talking about that Phil Donahue and Marlo Perkins, ain't you?
No, but could you at least tell me why you suddenly sold your home?
Why?
I don't know why.
Maybe I ran out of chores.
Replanting the rose garden, extending the porch, painting.
I did those things the first six months I was on retirement.
But I don't know why.
Just recently the leg broke off of my old easy chair...
...because I was spending time sitting in it watching that Wheel of Fortune...
...which is not a half-bad show, by the way.
Maybe it's because last month we paid the house off.
After 25 years and not missing a single payment.
And to celebrate, we went home and fell asleep.
[ED SIGHS]
I don't know why.
Let me ask you something.
How many years you figure you got left?
I haven't thought about it much.
I do.
A lot.
I understand.
-You do, lad? -Yeah.
I wish my wife did.
Have you tried telling her how you feel?
If she wanted to marry a communicator she should have married Walter Cronkite.
Ha. But she's gonna change her mind.
Won't she?
He'll change his mind.
-Won't he? -Sure he will, Mom.
He's a sensitive, giving human being.
He's a jackass.
-You're right. -Oh, Maggie, he's your father.
I'm sorry.
What will I do with myself?
Oh, Mom, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best.
I know.
I'll do what you did, resume my career.
Mom, you were a riveter during World War II.
Oh, honey, how did it go?
How did it go? Oh, it went well.
Actually, I think it went very well.
Very well, indeed.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Eddie.
Daddy?
This has gone far enough.
This is no business of yours, Margaret Kathryn.
You have anything to say, Kate?
No. Do you have anything to say?
-Not a word. -All right, then.
Hold it, Mom.
If you're not gonna speak, then I am gonna speak for you.
You shouldn't speak for somebody else.
Somebody has to with the screwy way this man is behaving.
-Your father hasn't done anything screwy. -Oh, come on, Jason.
Just the whole idea of spending the rest of their lives in this thing is way out there.
Maggie, this happens to be a dream for some people.
A lot of intelligent, responsible people, I might add.
MAGGIE: Well, name one.
Me.
I'd love to spend the rest of my days like this.
What is it with you men?
What do you have against houses?
Your father might have been acting impulsively, but he was a desperate man.
He had nothing to look forward to except Wheel of Fortune.
Which is not a half-bad show.
Then why didn't he tell Mom that?
-Because that's not his style. -Well, his style stinks.
-His style was fine for 37 years. -Thirty-eight.
Mom, do you mind? We're having a discussion here.
Margaret, I won't have you talking to your mother that way.
Well, Dad, at least I talk to her.
I can talk to your mother as well as anyone can.
Kate.
Sorry. I should have told you I was selling the house.
See? He said "told," instead of "asked."
Eddie, I didn't know you were so unhappy at home.
Well, you know I don't complain much.
Look, the house isn't gone through escrow yet.
I can take this thing back to Smilin' Jake's R.V. and get us our money back.
Eddie, are you asking me what I wanna do?
Well, kind of, yeah.
Well, what would make you happy is...
...what would make me happy.
MAGGIE: Oh.
ED: Aw.
[KATE SOBS]
Oh, what are we standing out here for?
There's a whole big world out there to see.
Well, you're right about that, Kate.
Maggie, will you tell the kids we said goodbye?
And it was sure nice talking to you, uh--
-Jason. -Right.
Mom, what about your suitcase?
Send it to me in care of General Delivery in Philadelphia.
Kate, I was thinking we should go back to Niagara Falls if it's okay.
It's better than okay.
[ED CHUCKLES]
Maggie.
Never mind.
I won't be needing my clothes.
ED: Stand back. -Bye.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Oh, Jason, isn't it wonderful?
Yeah.
And all that baloney you were spouting...
...how you'd really like to live like that did the trick.
Well, I am a professional.
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
BEN: Nightgowns.
[GROWLING]
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Don't worry, it's just me.
[GROWLING]
[CHIMING]
This way, Mike.
It worked, he's following me.
Where are you?
Over here, Mike.
No, Mike, I said over here.
MIKE: Where are you? I can't see you guys.
CAROL: Now! MIKE: Come on, what's happening here?
[GIRLS YELLING AND LAUGHING]
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]