Food delivery.
I didn't order food.
Uhh...
It says this is for "Daddy"?
Scott.
"Daddy Scott."
Oh, I see.
First name "Daddy", last name "Scott". Nice.
Should I just put it anywhere, brah?
What? No! I didn't order fo--
Hi.
I thought you were gay.
I am.
Huh.
No, I didn't order food. Did you?
No, but I'll eat it. These crackers are terrible.
Oh, I see.
What?
Is this one of those deals where you order food,
so I come in and you drop your pants
and try to hook up with me?
'Cause if it is, that's cool, but I'll still expect a tip.
Uhh... it's not. I'm saying I didn't order food.
Well, someone ordered it for you so I guess it's yours.
But who would call me Daddy Scott?
I'm guessing a lot of guys would, Daddy.
Scott.
Daddy Scott. Whoa, I just did it.
You can just take the food and go.
Mind if I grab some water?
There's bottles in the fridge.
What, so you think it's bad?
[ERIN] Mm, your main character's too smart.
He needs to be dumber.
[SCOTT] That's weird advice.
Why do I keep eating these?
Whoa! You got food! You rich?
What? No, it's just a fridge.
When I was a kid, my fridge only had cans of soup in it.
Well, that's only kind of true.
See, my aunt would just take empty tin cans
and fill them with water,
then tell us to use our imagination.
My favorite was pepperoni pizza & Skittles soup.
Mm! So good!
I miss that fridge.
Okay, bye!
No, no, no! Wait!
How 'bout you come sit with us for a little bit?
I knew this was a sex thing.
Sweet!
No, it's not a sex thing. We're just going over my script.
I'm his agent. Er-RIN.
Erin?
Er-RIN.
[laughing] That's weird! I'm Jim.
Your name tag says George.
I mean I'm George.
What's the script about?
-It's not important. -It's a drama, set in the world
of prison, gangs, drugs, and blah blah blah.
Sounds good!
-Thanks! -It's awful.
[GEORGE] Oh.
The lead character is just so serious.
It's like, ugh, prison.
You know, make it fun!
Give me a guy who looks like Thor
and sounds like Keanu Reeves, you know?
Bodacious.
No, he's supposed to be gritty, weathered, beaten down by life.
[disgusted sound]
So tell me about yourself, George.
Who?
You.
Oh! Yeah! Uh, well...
I moved out here a few months ago.
Just a guy with a dream, trying to make it in the big city.
As what?
Whatever.
Well, good luck to ya. Let's go, huh?
You must have a fascinating story to tell.
Well, let me think.
When I was a kid, I won first prize in a boy's Cutie Pageant.
Well, I was runner-up,
but after I threw my iPod at the winner's face,
he lost a couple teeth and was, like, ugly,
so they bumped me up pretty quick.
[laughing] These crackers are really starting to grow on me.
Then I stripped as a teenager for a little while.
That was pretty rad.
My manager actually told me I danced like I was made of wood,
and I wasn't even wearing my Pinocchio costume.
What were you wearing?
Nothing. I was a stripper. Duh.
[ERIN] I would've loved to have seen that.
I'd love to show you.
Let's just move the couch real quick!
Oh my god, okay!
No, we're not moving the couch
so the hot delivery guy can strip in my apartment!
Think about what you're saying.
It's fine. I don't need a lot of space.
I've worked in cages a lot.
And by cages, I mean prison.
You've been to prison?
Yeah, dude! But it was no big deal!
I stole some gum because the guy at the store
wouldn't give it to me.
Then later that night, I burned his store down. No big!
Should I start stripping now?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! -Nooo!
He's been to prison! He's perfect!
I'd hate to see what you look for in a dating profile.
Okay, don't you see?
The universe has sent you a perfect muse.
And me a free strip show.
Huh?
I have a thing for strippers. Don't make it weird.
Wait, you want me to write him as my main character?
No, the script is fine as it is, Erin!
Er-RIN.
-Sorry. -I've mentioned it.
I know. I'm sorry.
Look, I don't know how you expect me to pitch a script
saying, "It's about a gross, grimy prisoner
with a scarred face who stays fully clothed"
when I could say,
"It's about a stupid man-boy stripper/prisoner
who once won a Cutie Pageant
and does a full-frontal nude scene."
That's how you pitch a script?
Yeah!
[GEORGE] I'm ready.
Do you have a spotlight?
No.
Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[song playing] Uhh! Hands up in the air
Drop it down low I drop it down low
Unh!
Hands up in the air Drop it down low
I drop it down low
-I drop it down low -Uhh...
Unh! Smack it, smack it, smack it, smack it, smack it
Smack it, smack it, smack it, smack it
That's not yours!
-Unh! Turn it, turn it, turn it -[giggles]
Turn it, turn it, turn it,
Turn it, turn it, smack it, turn it, grill it
Woo! Ha!
Smack it, smack it, smack it, smack it, smack it, smack it
Smack it, smack it, smack it
Yeah ha ha ha ha!
This is your leading man, bitch!
It's a prison drama! Not the gay cruise version of "Showgirls"!
-[ERIN] Ooh! -Ahh.
Smack it, smack it, smack it You better smack it
-Smack it, smack it, smack it -[giggles]
Smack it, smack it Unh!
Unh! Smack, smack, smack
You better smack it
I'm gonna need a ripe banana for this next move.
Nuh--
-Hey! -Hey!
That's enough. Thanks for the entertainment, George.
[GEORGE] Oh. Sure.
As Maya Angelou once said,
"There's only two types of people in this world:
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe."
That's Britney Spears.
Where?!
Okay, well, this is a no-brainer.
I'm not that dumb.
Write this guy into your movie and you've got a real script.
Yeah. I'll also have an empty apartment.
Who's outside?
Like, literally an entire planet of people.
Who is the person outside my front door?
Oh! [nervous laugh]
Hey, sexy.
Oh my god.
I was just, um...
dropping off this painting I made for you.
Do you know him?
Who? Jim?
My name's George, Aunt Whitney.
I mean George.
Never seen him.
You guys are literally the worst thieves of all time.
I didn't take anything!
What a bizarro delivery order! I wonder who sent it.
Damn it, Jim! I told you I needed food!
What the hell am I gonna do with a remote?!
I wanted to press the buttons!
-[sighs] -How did you know where I live?
Oh! Uh, my BJ told me he helped you move in,
so I came by to say hi
and then found out that the house next door
was totally empty, so...
I started squatting there!
Yeah, it's like totally empty!
Which is great except there's no fridge
so I haven't eaten in, like, three days?
I'm hungry.
So you sent your nephew over to steal from me?
You can't prove that!
Okay, maybe you can.
[ERIN] All right, look, everybody,
let's just calm down and focus on the real issue here:
the sexy stripper Scott's gonna write into
his awful, awful prison drama.
[SCOTT] Oh, god.
He's gonna write you into his movie?
Do not let him do to you what Gaga did to me!
What?
"A Star is Born"?
That movie is about my life.
I have been in the shallow.
[singing] In the shalla-la-la- la-ha-la-low
In the shalla--
I'm not writing him into my movie, Erin.
It's Er-RIN.
Okay? It's the Scottish pronunciation.
No, it's not!
All right, look, well, we wanna make money, yeah?
No one's gonna pay two cents for your prison drama
and no one's interested in buying
"Mamma Mia 3: Mamma Mia-ier" or whatever the hell that was.
It was fan fiction.
Then why was it on my desk?
I don't know.
But here... [laughs] here...
I just threw five hundred dollars at that
because it does that and if you put him in your script
then America will do the same thing!
Look at it go! [giggles]
I don't think anyone's paying five hundred dollars
to go to the movies.
Actually, concessions are pretty expensive these days.
I always have to sneak a beer in my bra.
But wouldn't you anyway?
Enh.
Look, you can either hang out with this guy and
write him into your script, or, you know...
Why does everyone assume I have back up copies?
It was sure lovely to meet you all.
You, too, Er-RIN.
It's Er-RIN!
Oh.
Well, you said it right that time.
Yes.
Yes. Thank you. Ooh!
So does this mean I have a new daddy?
Scott.
Daddy Scott.
Says so right here.
Oh, god.
You got any food?