Throughout the saga of this great land,
whenever the shells of tyranny have flown toward our hallowed soil,
we have always endured.
And that is why, though often shamelessly overlooked...
by mainstream academics,
the Battle of Patriotville Creek does indeed have much to teach us.
Yes. It all happened right here, upon this glorious battlefield,
230 years ago.
Fire at will!
None of us would ever be the same.
Charge!
Thank you.
Oh. Thank you.
# Now, where were you when I was stranded out in this town #
# I swear that you could rely on me #
# While you've been away Do you see #
# Like there's no one around to make it true #
# And I #
# Look to the stars #
# And right underneath I'm a prisoner #
# What am I doing here #
# What will you do #
# When your dreams come true #
# What will you do #
# When your dreams come true #
# Another night Well, I was just wandering about #
# Wearing out the disguise I breathe, yeah #
# This dream is alive #
# Like some memory of you or me #
# Till my eyes turn into stone #
# What will you do #
# When your dreams come true #
# What will you do #
# When your dreams come true #
You're obsessed.
You know, man, there's more to life than just work.
Hey, Dig. You know, some people really like having a job.
And I don't mean, like, chasing high school girls around. That's not a job.
Technically it's not a job. I know what you mean. But it is hard work.
I don't know what you want me to say. I love my job, okay?
History is the cornerstone of our nation's past.
Past! But the future, which is forward,
is out there.
Old dead things- Please don't.
Please. Old dead things in here.
Alive things- Young alive things out there.
Look, dude. All I'm saying is that why don't you come with me tonight?
I'm meeting up with this...
sweet beauty.
Car- Carlinda.
Carlinda? Bet- Betty-
Look. Okay. More importantly,
when it comes to you, she is going to...
bring, dot, dot, dot-
Oh. Her, uh, beaver? Her beaver? Why does that matter?
W- Friends.
Oh, her friends' beavers? Her friends.
She's gonna bring her friends.
I- I- I can't, man. I- I-I gotta work on my proposal to the town council.
Man, you're more stuck than I thought.
I'm a little busy right now. I'm a little preoccupied.
It is a simple fact, man.
Celibacy kills.
It's been medically established.
Where?
The journal.
In your journal? I-
I got priorities.
If I had a museum, guess what I would call it.
The musée de "pussay."
That's great. Great. Do you get it?
Yeah, I do. It would showcase all the greats.
There would be, uh, Don Juan. Of course.
Casanova.
Richard Gere. Right.
It would be awesome. Josh Hartnett.
Hartnett? Yeah.
Taylor Pork Lips Clamps was the third major employer in town...
to go out of business this year.
Consequently, tax revenues are down,
and we're actually behind on some of our bond payments.
Edwin Goosewiite, town treasurer.
Uh, yes, Mr. Mayor?
Clearly your Nobel Prize in economics was no wasted parchment.
Actually, I don't have a Nobel Prize in economics.
Sarcasm, you mongoloid. Okay. Thanks.
Just give us the F'ing bottom line here.
Oh. Well, we are going bankrupt.
- I'm sorry. I probably should have said something earlier.
All right. Hold on. Hold on. You F-wits.
The ship ain't sinkin', okay?
Not while I'm in the saddle... of this ship.
I got a plan, all right? Somethin' big.
Somethin' extra large.
The cavalry's on the way.
Oh, man. That is the shit.
Eldorado '74.
Last of the greats.
Hey, that was back when they built 'em big and wide.
You know, back when a man was just always prepared.
Get your girl so itchy that she's just dyin' for it.
"Give it to me."
That's what she would say. And then you could just put the seats down,
and then you could have plenty of room to do your best work.
You ever wonder, if things took a different turn, what might have been?
No.
How long has that sign been there?
What if they had built all those homes?
A hundred houses would be out here right now.
It's crazy the potential that just never...
got realized.
It ain't there.
Please, we actually got customers?
We got clientele. Native American indigenous type clientele.
You mean Indians?
Oh, my God, that's passé terminology, Son.
It's kind of like calling Orientals Chinamen.
I don't think-
They, uh, wanted three together, so I gave them yours.
So you better take 68.
Sixty-eight? Dad, I hate 68.
Oh, shit. Them Indians are gonna need towels.
- You mind? - Okay.
Om.
Hello.
I'm Mary Born Kicking.
Hey. I'm, uh, Chase, from the Lodge. How.
Hi. Uh-
Oh. Sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
No. It's okay.
You do yoga, Chase from the Lodge?
Uh, yoga? I thought- I thought you were-
What? No, nothing.
Praying for rain?
You think yoga's effeminate? No.
You should try it. Change your life.
Thank you.
You have to grab some in here, would you, Wes? And we'll, uh, get goin'.
Mr. Barksdale. Oh, Chase Revere. What you doin', son?
You leadin' the gay pride parade?
No. No, I'm not.
Uh, we don't even - I don't think we have a gay pride parade.
Yeah, well, keep hope alive, son.
Uh, I'm here for the - We had a 3:00 meeting about my presentation...
to the town council, so-
Sorry, son. You know, some other town business come up.
We need the chairs. - Uh, sir. I got it.
- Got what? - The answer to our town's financial woes.
What, in there?
Historical tourism. Take a look at that.
Ah. And listen to this.
Oh, you got some tunes? No. No. It's a multimedia presentation.
Here in Patriotville, we have an abundance of history,
more than most places, in fact. Well- Yeah, that's-
That's fine. People love to learn about...
where they come from, I've found.
- It's the feather. - Huh?
That feather makes it gay.
Just my two cents. Sorry about the chairs.
It's a grand ambition. That's for sure.
But history is a grand subject.
Let's see where it takes us.
And so, in conclusion,
Patriotville is a town built for business-
your casino business.
Great job, Stove. Have a sit.
Stove.
So, uh - We think we took the standard deal on these things...
and, uh, really upped it a notch.
Yeah. And, uh, then we...
took it up...
another notch.
- So, where did you say you chaps were from? - Uh, here, originally.
Judge here's a magician with the law.
Gonna grease this sucker every inch of the way.
Gonna grease it like a watermelon in a public pool, huh, Judge?
That's just a saying.
So, uh,
we ready to ink this?
Forty generations ago,
our tribe called these lands home.
Our ancestors did not know that promises could scatter like dust.
Now we know better.
When the vision of this casino rose from the flames of our council fire,
I dreamed of an eagle.
What this eagle told me...
was that our future lies here-
Ah. with your village.
Or your neighbor - the village you call Sulfur Falls,
across the mountain.
The eagle is cautious.
Uh, we don't understand.
What don't you understand?
Bureau of Indian Affairs, recognition of the Alguanqua Tribe,
Federal Indian Gaming Commission license...
and a $20 million equity agreement.
Our casino will save your dying town.
So don't talk to us of the standard deal.
Your people have always given our people the standard deal.
The standard deal blows.
You have 24 hours to make an honorable offer,
or we go across the mountain to Sulfur Falls.
I have chosen my gift.
What just happened here? - Well, we got ambushed.
So you're telling me now we're in competition with those hicks over in Sulfur Falls?
"F" that shit.
We weren't prepared. We're gonna be.
I don't think he saw an eagle in this area.
Yeah, I thought they were into hawks.
This Indian shit...
that got really "Indiany" in here.
He might have seen an osprey.
They were talkin' about a dream, you F-holes.
Oh, hey. Hello.
You work at Long John Silver's?
Uh, oh, no.
No. I work at the Battlefield Museum.
I'm, uh- I'm the manager there.
Slash, you know, senior curator.
- Oh. - Uh, what about you? What- What's your...
"ocupado"?
Oh, just freelance.
- Freelance what? - Just freelance.
No, but, like, freelance-
Just freelance. Just freelance.
Good old freelance.
That's cool. I like your bike.
Oh. Yeah. I - I let my dad borrow my car today.
I usually travel on four wheels.
This is my dad's. Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm. Maybe they could carpool.
- Right? It'd be environmental. - That's all the rage these days.
Very green.
Did you, uh, lose the keys, or you-
No.
No, because- Did you try the other door?
Were you watching me?
No.
No, I was- I- I was comin'- No.
I was just drivin' down the hill. I-
All right. I mean, I saw you for a while.
Yeah, just try that. Maybe sometimes- Ah.
There you go.
You're clever. Thanks.
Can you double me on that? Um,
it's not technically a bike built for two.
It's built for one. Seat's a little warm.
That's all right.
Okay.
You okay? Mm-hmm.
Go. Go. What?
Keep goin'. Keep goin'.
Okay. Okay. You okay?
Yeah.
Whoo!
Say, do you, uh, want to have a beer?
Yes.
My dad slinked off with this woman last year.
We were living in Sulfur Falls.
He just disappeared in the middle of the night.
Just like that. Nobody's seen him since.
I decided to move here.
You know, fresh start.
Yeah. And then, bam, I spot his car here.
So, naturally, you had to blow it up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That was just so he knows...
I know he's around, somewhere.
That was my message to him tonight.
Loud and clear. Mm-hmm.
He's got something of mine. I want it back. What?
A necklace.
Is it made out of, like, the bones of Jesus?
Jesus.
It was my great-grandmother's, then my grandmother's, then my mother's.
Now it's supposed to be mine.
So, do- So, do you miss him?
That's personal. I'm sorry. I-
That's- I shouldn't have. No.
I don't.
Yeah, I do.
My mom died, like, four years ago now.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. - Can I call you?
Sure. You can call me, but...
if I don't answer, you won't take that personally.
Chances are I probably would.
An honest man.
I mean, the head of the Chamber of Commerce canceling a meeting like that at the last second.
It's not cool. I know he's your dad and all, but it's not cool.
Nice. So, uh, who's this girl?
Lucy something. That's all I know.
Lucy? Yeah.
Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.
Wait. Kind of weird but kind of hot?
Implications of something dirty and awesome goin' on?
Yeah. You know her?
Dude, Lucy Spanks. She was living in Sulfur Falls.
- My cousin Slinky at the, uh- - Slinky?
Dude, he tried everything on her.
No dice. Her knees are glued together extra-virgin style.
Slinky'd say that nobody's hit it.
Ever.
I'm gonna ask her out.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. What? - Yeah.
- No, dude. Don't bother. - Why?
Dude, just 'cause she looks like a slut, doesn't mean that she is a slut.
And right now, you and I- we need sluts.
That's my opinion.
Oh, hey. I got some other news for you. What?
Dude, we're gettin' a casino.
Here? Yeah.
This dipshit town's about to win the lottery.
Everything's gonna change.
No way. No way.
All right, dude. You don't have to believe me, but my dad heard it from the mayor, so-
Okay. This is like the time the Olympics were gonna come here.
The Winter Olympics. Or what about...
when they were gonna move the Eiffel Tower from Paris to Patriotville?
- That was true. - Or Disneyland was gonna move in?
- Disneyland- they're still working on the plans. - I don't believe a word of it.
- Are you kidding me? - You don't have to believe me,
but my dad said it's a done deal.
They don't - They don't get it. They don't understand that our point of difference...
for the vacationing public is- i- is our place in history.
They move some casino in here- some crap-ass casino- it's gonna change the whole thing.
It's gonna ruin it all. We're gonna be like every other sleazy casino town. They can't do that.
Maybe the town would rather be rich...
than have a rich history.
I'll pretend like you didn't even say that.
Dude, I heard one more thing. What?
One of the places that they were talking about building the casino-
Yeah? Where?
At the-
At the battlefield, where you work.
Come on.
Chief!
Here.
Christ.
You almost scared me.
I have an office, you know.
Corn comforts me.
Yeah.
Look, uh, I'm a bottom line guy.
Okay? Like yourself- what makes us leaders.
Yeah. We're gonna, uh, expand the acreage offer...
and enhance all the financial terms.
And-
We're gonna make the lease a dollar a year. Okay?
We're basically gonna give it to ya.
These are the same wind-filled promises of your rival.
Surely you can think of offerings that would prove your worthiness.
There is a river in our legend history.
The mighty Alguanqua.
There is no stronger river anywhere,
because, in this river, the water flows both ways.
The both ways river.
Yeah, can I get back to you on that?
Hello? - Hey. Uh, it's Chase.
Hey. I have a question for you.
Okay.
If you answer correctly, you can ask me out.
If you want. Do you want to ask me out?
Is that - Is that the question? Do I want to ask you out? No.
That's the follow-up question to the first question, if you get it right.
But, since you brought it up, what's the answer?
Uh- What? No. No.
Sorry. You have to ask the first question first.
I forgot it.
I lost the upper hand, didn't I?
- Oh, well. Don't get too confident.
I am much more complicated than I look.
Are you at Long John Silver's?
Yeah.
I actually am. You want to come over?
# She cries, she lies she drives me wild but I love her #
# Stars seem to line up #
# All in a row #
# Now what's that say about you and I #
# I get stoned if I remember #
# I want to take a plane over the sun #
# And I'll never come home again #
It's called the, uh- the family that never laughed.
This is very interesting. The first steel was produced in East Africa in 1400 B.C,
and today there are modern steel mills in the same sites...
as some of those original ones in Africa.
Wow. Yeah.
I never knew that. Well, now you do.
Yeah.
Our last one here closed, uh, 20 years ago.
# Now what's that say about you and I #
# I get stoned if I remember #
# I want to take a plane over the sun #
# And I'll never come home again #
These are the first hermaphrodite ducks.
# She cries, she lies she drives me wild but I love her #
# Stars seem to line up all in a row #
I like your job.
My mom was a history teacher, so I kind of...
caught the bug, I guess.
Hmm. I had, um-
I had a really fun day.
Me too.
Can I kiss you right now?
I can't.
Please.
I can't.
How come?
I just can't.
Uh,
earlier did you say you had a fun day or date?
So, I think this "river flows both ways" shit...
is just Indianspeak for a plain, old-fashioned bribe.
They're just tryin' to squeeze every dime out of this they can.
Well, Stover, pop quiz.
Who invented capitalism?
Not them.
I talked to Edwin today.
For once, it may pay off to have a retard for a treasurer.
We got 65,000 in state money to repair the water system.
Now, if we use that for this,
we'll be able to beat whatever those Sulfur clowns put up.
Bribe's not so kosher.
I'm with Carlos.
Kosher is kosher.
- And that's not kosher. - Thank you, Rabbi.
Okay.
Stover,
how much were loan defaults up last year?
I don't have those numbers. Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Kitty, how many buckets of extra-crappy chicken you sell this year compared to last?
Not so many.
Used to be Carlos had three guys at the barbershop.
Yeah. Now it's just him and his mom, and she's feeble.
No offense.
- She cuts my hair good. - Shut up, Stover.
Now look. We either pay a little bit now,
or we watch this whole town float down crap river.
If this thing gets out,
we're gonna find ourselves with a mouth full of balls.
What the "F" are you talkin' about?
Testes.
No, I got the reference. I just don't - Forget it.
By which I mean to say that it would be unpleasant.
Mama.
There was an accident.
Do you need some help? No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Everyone's fine.
Mama. It's hot.
It's early.
Who's that? Just a boy.
I said that once.
# Every day #
# Yeah #
# You always said #
# Don't say #
# I love you #
# You can come find me #
# On an island miles away #
Oh, man. I'm ready for a dip.
I hear that.
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Pretty crazy, huh, Abby?
Gail.
My name.
It's- It's Gail.
That's- That's what I said.
Oh. I thought you said Abby.
Are you really jumping? Are you kidding?
Yeah. I'd jump that. I'd, uh- I'll do it again,
'cause I've done it before, a ton of times.
- Do it. - All right, hotshot. I will.
Why don't you settle down for a second. Let me get my bearings here.
Whoo!
Oh, she is not normal.
Shit.
Oh.
I'm in love with him.
No, you're not.
Come on, you chicken!
It's awesome!
I'm comin' right down. Whoo!
Uh-oh. Looks like someone needs to borrow a pair.
Come on, Chase! Come on, Chase!
Just be a man- for once!
# You always said #
# Don't say #
# I love you #
I figured out how to stop the casino.
I wrote a letter to the mayor. Did I tell you that?
Mm-mmm. You know what you need? A petition.
Otherwise known as "Why would you do that?"
A petition.
I did it in school to get rid of a vice principal.
He was creeping me out.
Oh, yeah. How'd that go? Got expelled.
That's genius.
A - A petition. A petition to put the casino to a town vote.
Don't you guys get it? Everybody wants this casino.
Who would vote on that? I'd sign.
Yeah. I'd sign.
That's-That's one-
Oh, so just - Oh, it's just you two against the entire town.
No, man. Others would join. Are you kidding?
There'd be a lot of people. It's called democracy. That's what democracy is all about.
Dude, it's called "What is your deal - with this thing?"
Just let it go.
Stupid easy money is still stupid, even if it's easy.
But, dude, stupid easy money - You make "stupid easy money" sound like it's a problem,
not a solution.
I'm sorry. You trying to impress somebody?
Wow. Okay.
Hey. How are your herpes? Are they under control now?
Douche bag.
Mmm.
There doesn't seem to be as many - many people here as last year.
Yeah. That's, uh, stating the obvious.
You think it's 'cause of the downturn in the local business affairs?
Do - That's only a newspaper headline.
You haven't been reading a newspaper, have you?
- What do you mean? - Nothin'. I just, you know, got worried for a second.
Stop it. What?
You're being mean.
What are those Indian fellas doing here in town?
They are, uh, you know, previously...
oppressed peoples of America, so be nice to 'em - you and all the girls.
Is something going on? No.
And don't ask questions.
I made a casserole tonight. No.
For dinner. No? No. And I might sleep at the office.
I can bring the casserole- Just go to bed.
Oh, you got a girlfriend or something?
Yeah. I do.
Oh, this is weird. Uh, her name is "official town business."
Sorry. I love you.
Love you too. Okay. Come here.
Okay.
Bye.
Where'd that come from?
It's amazing how much happened here.
I mean, it would blow your mind,
the history that was here- that is here.
In 1776,
these, uh, American soldiers coming home for Christmas...
were ambushed by 50 British.
They were severely outnumbered. Right here.
You see, the Americans got clobbered, and they surrendered fast,
but, um, it was so cold out, everyone was freezing-
captor and captive.
So they cut a deal.
The Americans let the British pretend to hold the entire town.
That way, no one got hurt, and they were able to get regular supplies from the British army.
And then, when the war was over, they gave each British guy, like, a little piece of land.
Sneaky.
It was called the Secret Surrender of Patriotville.
Nice, uh, office.
Thank you muchly. - What's your real job?
I'm the mayor. Oh.
I thought, in towns like this, the mayor usually has a day job to go along with the...
great honor of the mayorship.
Lawn care.
Second-most successful business in town.
In the bureau-
I'm the first man on the scene, as they say.
My job is to keep things clean in the beginning,
when things can be their most... unruly.
Okay, I've seen all the tricks.
Every single one of them. The Indians have something the white man wants- again-
and the white man will do anything to get it.
You're white.
You're observant. I like that.
It's obvious why you're the mayor here. Very smart man.
Thank you. Anyway,
I'm just here until the tribe settles on a location...
and the official locating agreement is signed by all necessary parties.
Then somebody has themselves a casino.
And that, of course, is when the real bureaucracy takes over.
That is a real kettle of old fish heads, if you know what I mean.
But before that,
it's my apples on the line.
So, to get down to brass tacks,
if anything messes with my apples,
that means no locating agreement.
And that means...
no casino.
I have your apples in my capable hands.
I like the sound of that.
I really like the sound of that.
Excuse me. Mayor Fishback. Hey, dude.
Hi. Do you have a moment for one of your constituents?
Always. Chase. It's good to see you again.
Good. Digger Barksdale.
Hey. How are ya?
We're actually, uh, looking for signatures...
for our petition that would put the casino to a town vote.
Let me get this - For one, I don't know what you're talking about.
There's no casino. Sorry?
No, but that'd be great.
Wouldn't it? Because I love gaming. It would be awesome.
What's your game? I'm a Caribbean Poker man. Yeah.
Is this for a school project? No. Sir, this is a petition...
for the town to vote on the casino.
Oh. Where? Where's the casino? The one that-
That the games of chance over there? Is that what you're talking about?
- Mayor, all due respect- - We know the casino is coming. We know-
- How would you know about that? - Oh, his dad-
No, no, no. Dad- His dad-
Great. So, moving on. The town needs money. We're in dire straits.
History can't happen again without progress. Ah?
Right? So let's progress.
Let's allow the red man to come in and build a casino-
I think "red man" is disresp - And let's all get rich.
- No, that's an actual term. - We're gonna get a casino in here.
We're gonna put it on your battlefield.
And we're gonna make enough money to fix the water system,
and you'll get new school uniforms.
- And what else would bring in tourists? Nothing. - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe our beautiful history that we have, that we want to preserve here.
The fact that an amazing battle took place right here on our own hallowed ground.
Maybe that would bring in some tourists.
It's not about glamorous, sleazy casinos, which any town could have.
We have a real place in history, and that's how we have to attract-
Can I tell you something? And this might disappoint you.
That whole battle is an urban myth.
It's an urban myth.
Historical fact, Mayor. Let me take a look at that again.
If you were to vote for a casino, what would you, uh-
- What would you vote? What would your vote be? - My vote would be no.
I don't really care either way. That's not your name.
No. I'm writing those two names down here.
Gonna put it in my pocket. Those are two of our friends.
I don't understand why you did that. Ah, you don't have to.
Keep it goin'. The spirit of the civic-minded community-
You- You have our- Thanks, dude.
That went the exact opposite of how I thought it was gonna go.
We're getting the ball rolling. The ball... of freedom.
This is so civic. Yeah.
Can I go- Of course. Yeah.
Excuse me, sir. No, thanks.
Sir. Sir.
What have we got so far?
Six. Uh-
Well, this guy signed his name twice for some reason.
Hey, uh, I'm from the Guardian.
My sources said there's a political protest happening?
I can confirm that.
Can I get your names? Yes, you can.
- This is Lucy Spanks- - Hey, kids. This here's all gonna get shut down right now.
What? Who says?
No political assembly permit's been filed...
for this location. You're out of here, pronto.
You know what? I have one word for you, Officer, and that's "First Amendment."
Two words.
I want you to head west down the sidewalk and take your table and your-
I want you to respect the fact that we pay taxes and we have a right to be here, okay?
- John! - Just 'cause you have a mustache and a gravelly,
authoritative voice, doesn't mean we're going anywhere, Officer "Snay-ad."
- Snead. - Have you forgotten this is America?
That's what hippies like you always say.
So, how long do you folks figure you'll be at this?
As long as it takes.
As long as it takes. Patriotville, don't sit down on this one!
As long as it takes. As long as it takes.
Michael Moore- As long as it-
That's how long it took. Let's go!
As long as it takes. As long as it takes.
All right. As long as it takes.
Keep clapping. Just move along. As long as it takes.
As long as it takes.
Hey, Cleve. Cleve!
Cleve! Cleve!
- What? I'm G.D. workin'. What do you want? - We got a problem, okay?
There's a lot of loose talk out there, spreading like crabs on payday.
They all smell it comin'. Got the fever.
I know. Looks like it's already here. Yeah.
We, uh - We gettin' in over our heads here?
Look.
We just gotta be making this thing less complicated, okay?
Yeah. All right?
You're right. How do we - How do we do that?
- I got a plan. - Always got a plan.
That's-That's right. You always got a plan.
It's plan "A" too. All right? We don't even - We're not even gonna need plan "B" or "C."
What do I do in the plan? What?
- What do I do in the plan? - You're the fat guy who asks dumb questions.
You're the numbers man, you bozo.
Oh. Show him this. Hey. Yeah.
Solved one problem. Oh. Yeah.
Man, look at that, would ya? Get a load of her, huh? I could sting that honeybee.
- Hey. - What?
Okay. Look. I'm two seconds away...
from using this on your pubes.
Now get the "F" out of here, all right? Before I kick you. Okay.
- What is this? - It's wrong.
Well, I'm glad we're on the same page. Now look.
There's big things happening - things I'm not at liberty to talk about.
There is a major comeback under way here.
But a Revere goin' around speakin' Karl Marx type shit in this town-
don't you cut me out of what I got comin'.
Okay, Dad, first of all, I'm no communist,
and I know about the casino, all right?
- You don't know shit. That's a secret. - Dad, what's with the pool?
I'm fixin' it. With what?
With a loan. Now's the time.
Wait a minute. A- A loan from where?
From a friend. A fella. This dude.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey. I've done my homework,
so just once in your life, I want you to have some faith in your poppy.
Dad, I started a petition...
for the town to vote on the casino.
Foolish, foolish, foolish youth.
I don't care if you are Marx or Lenin or Pol Pot or Gorbachev-
Dad, please drop the communist thing. I'm not a communist, okay?
I don't care if you're a communist or-
or a Leninist or a Maoist type.
I just want you to drop this shit and get out of the road.
I'm comin' through. You hear me?
- What does that mean? - Yeah.
Um- Clear the road- No, I know-
- 'cause I'm coming through. - Hey, Vic.
Would you come here for a sec?
Would you tell my dad I'm not a communist?
He not a communist. Thank you.
And he knows me just about better than anybody else in this town. My point is, Dad,
there are people here who want to keep the town the way it is.
Vic, do you want a casino in this town?
No. Thank you.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
A hundred percent? 110%, sir.
Oh, by the way, Vic, uh, did you put the-
You don't have to write - You can write "Native Americans."
You don't have to write "Not Indians." No. American.
Yeah. Okay. Okay. Cool. Thanks, man. You're welcome.
What's up with your dad? I don't know.
Little man with a big plan.
What about your revolución?
Oh. What, are you kidding? He doesn't understand.
That doesn't surprise me though.
You ever seen The Joy Luck Club?
Yeah. No, yeah. I've seen that.
What about it? It's good. Good movie.
Do you really think that some petition...
is gonna stop this casino...
or get some girl? I don't know.
Feels like something's gonna happen though.
Well, something is better than nothing.
So that's good.
Yeah.
Hope is a funny thing.
It's a line from Joy Luck.
Yeah. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Yeah!
Ding-dong! Ding-dong!
No.
No. I don't think so.
No.
It's just over, the way it should be.
Are you punishing me for something? Huh?
Is it that Revere kid?
He's a boy.
Look. Lucy,
don't "F" with me.
- I know your type. - "F" with yourself, Cleveland.
I'm no type.
And if I was,
I'm not anymore.
Good luck finding your clothes.
Yeah. I hid 'em.
Supposed to be a game, you know,
but, uh, well, now it takes on a different connotation, doesn't it?
See?
Vic, are you familiar with the concept of feng shui?
See, what I'm seeing here is just greens and blues,
like an oasis in a desert.
And let's put something on that pipe.
It's just pokin' out there.
It looks like a- a pipe.
Let's fix it and make it "un-pipey."
Join us, please.
Your father tells us you're a scholar of history.
Just a fan. I don't have, like, a college degree or anything.
Pieces of paper are worthless.
Green ones.
It's what's in here that counts.
What do your books tell you of our people?
The Alguanqua?
Um, to summarize, I'd say you had it pretty good...
until the new guys started showin' up.
One cannot fight a rising tide, huh?
Hmm. But you did fight.
We lost.
Massacre of the Alguanqua, 1847.
Yes.
Sorry about that.
Soda?
- No, thank you. - The next time we go to Pete's Pottery Barn,
let's see if we can get the- that naked boy...
that's pissin' in the pool.
You think that's too much?
I should say something. I started a petition against your casino.
Hasn't gone very far, but, um, I just thought I should let you know.
I'm sure you'd build a great casino.
I just think we have different priorities.
I don't want it to be awkward if we're gonna hang out socially.
We've heard of your petition.
You're a lonely warrior in your town.
"At the launch of any great voyage, there's always a single voice."
Ben Franklin said that. I think.
"The buffalo who runs against the herd...
arrives only at his own demise."
Chief Crazy Horse said that.
Hmm. That's, uh- I like that one.
Patriotville Historical Society. We're here to bring the past to life.
Yeah, shut up, Karl Marx. I heard red's your favorite color.
Man, you like Russia so much, move to Canada! #
Move next to a goddamn igloo! Say hi to Wayne Gretzky.
Oh, no. Why don't you move to San Francisco?
Ooh, I bet they'd like your pretty face there.
Finally your wig wouldn't look so weird.
Did you see the paper? They're capable of way more than I anticipated.
I know. Democracy is not so nice.
I just feel like maybe we're surrounded.
"Surrounded" sounds too much like "surrender."
People are really pissed off.
Hey there, history man. How 'bout I come down there right now...
and we have our own little Boston Tea Party.
'Cept we ain't in Boston, and the party's gonna be...
me teabaggin' the shit out of your pretty little ass for about an hour and a half...
till you see the merits of building a casino in this town.
# All those lives headstones, computer drives #
These people are really mad.
Let's just go into hiding. Hmm?
Let's just drive north and just keep on driving.
That does sound pretty good.
But- But- But, no.
No, we start running, there's no telling where we stop.
This is it. This is where we make our stand.
Right here. Right now.
We just weren't thinking big enough. We gotta get this thing out there.
Gotta get it out in the open where everyone can see it. Right where the mayor doesn't want it.
That's the answer.
That's it.
She's getting you into a war with the whole town.
Words to live by, my friend:
Never trust a virgin.
What? What does that mean? What's not to trust?
And- And make no mistake, man, I'm getting myself into this.
Smells blue cheese to me, dude.
What's the worst that can happen, huh?
The worst-case scenario.
Some fish, once you get 'em on the hook, they're yours.
But other fish, you gotta kinda wait 'em out...
till they can't fight you no more.
Maybe it was one of them other fish keyed your truck, Bob.
Hey. Hey.
- Hey. - How you doin'? I was lookin' all over for you.
- I started the rally speech. - That's awesome.
It's a good start.
Any more of them damn rally posters in here?
Hell, no. Threw out every one I saw.
Crackers.
Ding-dong.
What douche bags.
Over here. Got it.
You're the little sneak that's been rogerin' my husband behind my back.
What? Are you insane?
This was under the couch I got for my wedding.
Yeah. No, I'll take care of it.
Right.
Bye-bye.
So my son's the town traitor.
I just wanted the town to vote on it. Why is that so wrong?
You lost your job. Mayor's orders.
What? I made that place what it is.
Well, Stover and the boys are good folk.
They think if you drop this baloney, maybe, just maybe,
they can talk the mayor into lettin' you manage the history store that's in the new casino.
Oh.
A lot of folks are gonna be going through that casino.
They're gonna wanna stop by and get a little of that history.
Could be a real opportunity.
It's just not what I believe in. Well,
maybe you could believe... in it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Dad, I just don't think I have any fight left today.
That's my boy.
Great... father-son chat.
Hey, Vic? What?
Could you come here for a second? I'm sweeping, mopping.
You need me? Yeah. I just-
Will you just do me a favor? Yeah.
Will you just hold me for a second?
I love you, man. Thank you.
I love you too. Thank you.
Chief Many Bulls.
Where the hell are you?
Behind you. Christ!
Where's the chief? I am his ears and his mouth today.
Your offer was like beads and trinkets to my people.
65,000's not beads and trinkets.
Listen, Green Acres. I'm not one of your bleach-blonde,
shit-for-brains, hick-town housewives,
and this isn't a seed store.
It's a casino.
A hundred thousand.
Times 10.
A million? Respect has a price.
That's ours.
Okay.
Can- Can you help me get back to my car?
You kiddin' me? One million dollars?
Look. It's worked out.
We found a collateral account that backs up our school bonds.
Now, it's kinda supposed to be untouchable. Shh.
But Stove's gonna work a deal to lend us half a mil using that.
Not gonna be a problem with that.
Yeah. And for the rest, we put up the courthouse,
city hall and the park.
Now, Stover's gonna lend us another $400,000 off that.
Sure can.
And then with that water repair money,
we get to six zeros.
Cleve, this is crazy.
We're supposed to pay a million dollars that the town doesn't have...
to bribe a bunch of Indians who might build a casino here?
We are the town council.
Our oath is to protect our town. That's an important moral point.
But there's another point, and it's even better, see.
It's not that they might build this casino if we pay this cash.
They have to.
It's called the "official locating agreement."
And once it's signed, we got it by law.
Now, I've looked into it.
As long as we don't pay them anything until it's signed,
there's zero risk.
Couldn't be sweeter.
You've done it, pal.
I hate fairs.
It's so crazy to think that if you had taken my advice,
how different things would be, and how much happier you'd be right now.
How about this? How about just let's sit in silence?
- Well, I told you so. - That is the farthest thing from helping.
Chief.
What an A-hole.
Dude.
It sucks because she's so-
She is so. Indeed.
Seduction...
equals survival for her.
You know, and it's- it's textbook F.U.F.
F.U.F.? What is that?
Fucked-up Father.
Shit. Right.
Dude, it's vengeful, slutty behavior with old dudes.
Yeah. You know, it's just-
it's clear that she's just trying to get back at the old man.
FUFs.
What's sad about it is that you truly, truly...
believed that she was falling for you.
It's kind of- You're kind of an A-hole...
for that.
Damaged goods, my friend.
Get ya every time.
Don't try to fix that shit either, dude, 'cause it-
it is broken.
Maybe she needs someone to believe in her.
You know? I mean, isn't that what happens with those damaged girls?
They don't have anyone- Oh- No, that's true.
You know, F.U.F.'s are in constant need of new saviors to crucify.
So, yeah. You're perfect for that.
Oh! Looks like someone's early.
Who is that?
Tracy-
Katie-
Shit. Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Digger. Who's your friend? What's her name?
Gorgeous.
In vino veritas. That's Latin.
"In wine there is truth."
It goes double for whiskey.
Chief, we just have one condition for this whole thing.
We set the conditions. Not you.
All we're asking for is a signed location agreement before any money changes hands.
What you ask is not easy.
Excuse me. No agreement, no money.
There's one more signature we need.
Which is, may I ask?
Mind if I join?
It's funny...
what you can learn when you just watch things enough.
You know, I've been watching a lot of things around this town.
A lot of things.
It's crazy what people will do when they smell money coming.
It's like they lose all sense of themselves.
All sense of what's right...
and what's wrong.
You wanna know what I learned when I was watching you?
And you?
Yes.
This deal is as clean as a dog's balls.
Wait, is that a good thing?
You have our signature. Deal's done.
You're gettin' a casino.
Hey! Hey, we're never gonna die!
You're crazy! You're crazy!
Throw the children in the fire!
Yeah!
Patriotville!
Isn't that the guy from the newspaper?
Yeah, that's him. That's the one.
- Hey, that's the guy doing that petition thing, right? - Right, right.
- That's the asshole. - He wants us to sign that damn petition-
Yeah, you know what?
Hey, you're gonna need a car wash.
Come on, Tim. Piss is gettin' all over me, man.
Why is it always the guy thinks he's the smartest guy in the town...
who's the one who's got some sort of...
dad who may or may not have girl parts?
Looks like he's made out of hot dog meat...
and works at some junk shop...
that he thinks is some sort of a-
Timmy, name a museum.
Smithsonian. Yeah, "Smithonian."
Let me ask you something, 'cause I really want to know.
Do you think that you'll ever do anything-
anything worth puttin' in a museum?
- I don't know. - Yeah? You don't know.
Come on, Timmy.
You know, one day,
with any luck,
you'll be like me.
I kept a blind eye for years.
I guess I was afraid.
I want you to give this to that boy.
That ain't 'cause I like you,
'cause I don't.
That's for me.
I'm so sorry...
it has to be this way.
I'm sorry.
Oh, shit.
Come down, you pussy!
We're gonna get a casino in here. We're gonna put it on your battlefield.
Do you think that you will ever do anything-
anything worth puttin' in a museum?
How much longer do you think you're gonna be?
Probably as long- as long as possible.
Help me find Chase. Please.
We had a misunderstanding. I'm worried.
Let me - Let me see what I can do. I'm kinda in the middle of somethin'.
But, um, could you just, like, walk around the block?
Please? Awesome.
Well, there's his car.
Jesus. Finally.
What's he doin' here?
Dude, you left your lights on. Chase!
Dude!
What are you doin'?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's he doing up there?
Dude! What are you doin'? Get down!
Chase!
Dude, if he falls off, you know this is all your fault.
He isn't gonna fall, you idiot! He's gonna jump.
Well, then say something to stop him.
Don't jump!
That's it? Really? That's what you came up with?
I'm not good under pressure.
I'll field this one. Chase!
What's up, man? It's Digs.
Hey, dude. No one's ever jumped from there.
You're not gonna do it. Only an asshole...
would do something that stupid.
- That's how you do it. - Yeah, exactly.
A total asshole! You're exactly right.
Thank you for confirming my suspicions,
and everybody else's in this town.
Chase, I'm sorry.
Uh, this isn't about you.
Though it is a related factor, maybe.
Just walk down like you always do, man.
I gave everything to this town, and what did it get me?
Huh?
Please?
Too little too late.
Too much too soon!
Dude-
Come on. You got nothing to prove by this.
Please, come down!
Come on, man!
Whoa.
Oh, dude. Dude!
That was amazing! I mean, you're a lunatic.
I lost my pants.
That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen anyone do in my life.
I don't even know if I should go look for 'em.
I hit my head on a catfish, I think.
'Cause I didn't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry I never told you about the mayor.
But I did come to a decision.
Oh, yeah? No more married men.
Were- Were there more?
Uh, there was the principal of my high school.
My first... and third...
high school.
Wow. It's a-
It's a good thing you didn't go to college.
Have you ever had a real boyfriend?
No.
But...
I am an optimist.
# There may be #
# Truth #
# People understand outside of you #
# While one is walking one is running #
Oh, that was very-
- Very- - Very-
- American.
American.
It was, actually. It was quintessential Americana.
God bless America.
Oh. Yeah.
It was a little European maybe at one point. Yeah.
I could see that.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Um, Cleveland's wife came by my place and dropped this off.
What is that?
"Rally donation." Huh.
Maybe you got support after all.
Maybe I do.
Cleve, this is crazy.
We're supposed to pay a million dollars that the town doesn't have...
to bribe a bunch of Indians who might build a casino here?
It's not that they might build this casino...
if we pay them this cash.
It's that they have to.
It's called the "official locating agreement." Holy shit.
As long as we don't pay them anything until it's signed,
there's zero risk.
Could not be sweeter.
Do you know what this means?
Before it was just municipal stupidity mixed with mild infringement of civil rights.
But...
this is felonious corruption.
This is, uh, history book shit.
Mmm, no. Don't say it.
- The rally is back on! - No. Enough.
What?
Do you know what it's been like for me for the last couple of days?
I have people yelling at me in the street. "Benedict Arnold." "Traitor."
Someone called me a terrorist, okay?
I can't live like this. This is my chance to prove I was right.
Please, please, bring this tape to the courthouse tomorrow, okay?
No. You're doin' this to get back at the mayor.
That's such- What?
Are you joking? 'Cause no. Maybe a little bit.
Yes, very perceptive. But I- I- I swear, most of my intentions are purely noble.
Ninety-two percent.
It feels too dirty.
You holding that means that we're in this together.
Okay? Th-That's symbolic.
Just bring the tape. I'll take care of everything else.
Promise. Trust me.
Rally. Casino corruption revealed.
Thievery revealed.
Our leaders are lying to us.
You will rise up against the tyrannous.
Who will rise up with me?
5:00, at the courthouse.
Our leaders are lying. Casino corruption.
Hello.
Who's this?
Oh, a friend. Really?
Yeah. Well, I think I know all my friends already, so-
And how would you know she has that?
Oh, you just know, do you?
"F."
Hey. I thought we were straight on this.
Dad, they got the casino by bribing, lying and stealing.
We have evidence. We have hard evidence. You know what you have?
You have screwed your father. That's what you have.
You deserved to be fired from that battlefield job.
I'm the only one- I run the battlefield.
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna fire you too. All right?
You're not gonna live in the hotel. You're not gonna work in the hotel.
You haven't paid me in five years though.
You know what they're saying about you? Hey?
They're saying you're a loser, a real loser. A super loser.
That's a little harsh. Jesus. I'm still your son.
I don't understand how you could do this to me.
I'm not- I... don't get you.
I just don't get you.
Hey, hey. Where's Lucy?
She's not here. It's almost 5:00.
It is f-
No idea, man.
Maybe you should just focus on what you're doing.
I- I- Well, yeah. I need her for what I'm doing though.
Man, you have got this entire town really worked up.
Good.
Man, my parents are freakin'.
Really? Everyone is freakin'.
Really? Really.
Good.
Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. Uh-
But now I got your attention. So we're gonna get started in one minute.
In the meantime, we have, uh, sodas and hot dogs...
that are compliments of the Patriotville Historical Society.
Feel free to get your hands on those.
Um- Okay. Screw the sodas!
We want news! Okay. Well, uh, have a little bit of patience.
Uh, I do have information coming very soon...
that you need to hear,
that has to do with illegal corruption and dirty dealings...
and that's happening right under our town's noses-
uh, the noses of our town.
So, if you'll just be patient and bear with me - Okay.
If you don't have what you said you have-
Just give me the tape,
and I'll give you what you want.
You first.
Based on the American way. No.
Good citizens of Patriotville, we are gathered here...
to talk about something that we all believe in.
Money!
No, no, no.
Not - Not money. Actually, something a little more important than money.
Something I like to call America.
That's right. I said it.
We're here to talk today about America.
Because in America it's supposed to be...
that the government is here to work for the people.
That's why we have a democracy.
We vote! We all line up and we vote on it.
No lies, no corruption, no backdoor dealings, no backdoor handshakes.
Nothing inappropriate through the back door!
In a minute, I'm gonna play you a tape,
a tape that will both shock and horrify you,
and yet will educate you- Now give it to me.
...made by our town's leaders behind closed doors.
As you will see, the Patriotville battlefield expansion...
will vastly benefit our community.
Show us the evidence!
The truth is - is flying in on the wings of freedom.
- And it will be here momentarily.
So I-I- I promise you. Just eat some hot dogs and soda,
and I just-
We're supposed to pay a million dollars...
that the town doesn't have to bribe a bunch of Indians?
We want a casino!
The truth is coming.
Just trust me. Take my word for it. I've heard the tape.
I have all the faith in the world that she's coming.
- Or the tape rather- By "she" I mean the tape. - We want a casino!
Your father's address.
I always asked you if you knew.
Why spoil a good thing?
What about your boyfriend out there?
...include it if I had to because I believe in its truth.
And I believe in its contents so wholeheartedly,
that if it were legal, I would commit myself...
in a sacred union of marriage to the tape.
I - I gave you the battleship of truth. Please don't leave.
- Please. I promise it's coming.
Please, just stay- We have to stop this corruption, this un-Americanism.
You- You all get a free tour of the Patriotville battle-
Shit.
How'd it go?
How did it go? You saw how it went. It went terrible.
It was probably the worst-case scenario,
other than outright assassination.
Shit.
Where is she?
Your rally ran into that stampede I was telling you about.
You know it was never about you guys, right?
He that is incapable of imagining honor in an opponent...
is incapable of honor himself.
Thank you. That's- That's very wise.
We've given you a new name.
Oh. Yeah?
Chase With Plenty Horses.
Oh. What's- What's that mean?
It means we think you will go far.
Not in this town, it seems.
Everybody's gotta be from somewhere.
It's up to you where you end up.
Hmm.
Thank you.
I was hitchhiking to the rally.
Cleveland drove by.
Somehow he knew about the tape.
He said he'd tell me where my father was if I gave it to him.
I don't know what to do now.
That's a scary envelope to open.
I was staring at those plastic toys floatin' in the water...
after the rally,
and something kind of dawned on me.
This is all my dad ever wanted.
You know, the new toys in the pool, the...
sharp-lookin' Lodge, plenty of customers.
This is his dream.
Lots of people like this in this town.
Everyone's getting exactly what they wanted.
I don't know. Maybe things were just supposed to turn out this way.
How about you?
Maybe I don't belong here anymore,
guarding some small town's very minor-league history.
I've never met anyone like you.
I never met anybody like you either.
Not even close.
So, uh, when's construction gonna begin, do you think?
Watch for our smoke signal.
Attaboy. I knew you guys had a sense of humor somewhere.
Buffalo who runs against the herd arrives only at his own demise.
You do yoga, Chase from the Lodge?
Everybody's gotta be from somewhere.
Yeah, I figured.
Hey! It's the people's army.
What are you doin' here, Son?
Please tell me you didn't.
Didn't do what, Son?
You're not really getting what you think you're getting.
Oh. And what would you know about what we're gettin'?
I'm sorry, Dad.
What do you mean?
A.P.B. Blue Cadillac convertible.
License unknown. Full of Indians-
I think.
Guess what we're doin' right now.
Sittin' on a Caddy.
Sittin' on my Caddy.
Isn't that crazy? You bastard.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Man, you are gonna get so much ass with this ride.
Yeah.
You're leavin', aren't ya?
How'd you guess?
I'm your best friend.
# Well, it makes no sense #
# To me #
# What I am supposed to be #
# We could be dancin' in the dark #
# Free-fall #
# You take kindness to the hole and it's gone #
# Sometimes #
# It's just like sayin' that you want to get a sunburn #
# It's my turn #
# Good-bye, sir till you meet me in the next life #
# It's high time #
# It's all mine Can't shake the feeling I'll be back this time #
# If I return at all #
# I know you'll be there just waitin' for me to fall #
Here are the keys to the station wagon.
Oh, stop it.
You can maybe, uh, sell it. Pay for the pool.
What do you want me to say?
Nothin'.
Well, I'm not gonna say it.
It's not in my character.
I'll see you later.
# Sometimes #
# It's just like sayin' that you want to get a sunburn #
# It's my turn #
# Good-bye, sir till you meet me in the next life #
# It's high time #
All right. You might think this is where Chase...
is supposed to explain the lessons he learned in the story.
But that would make this kind of a fairy tale or something,
when maybe it was just about the summer my buddy fell for an unusual girl...
and our town got taken by some really fake Indians...
and some guy who wasn't as official as everyone thought.
My lesson from all that?
Summer's awesome.
Chase used to say that...
"History is the cornerstone of our nation's past."
I still don't quite understand what he meant by that.
But maybe he was saying...
life is history in the making.
And maybe we learn, and maybe we don't.
But nothing ever stays the same.
We just keep moving forward...
the best we know how.
Would you like perhaps to take this opportunity to apologize...
to the citizens of Patriotville?
Apologize to the citizens of Patriotville? Mm-hmm.
No. I'd like to say, uh, Citizens of Patriotville, you're welcome.
You're welcome for all the hard work that we did.
And- And I'm sorry for loving you so much.
I'm sorry for loving you so damn much.
- There. - Have you met any new friends?
Yeah. Made a lot of friends.
Uh, we got a lot of - a cast of characters in here, I'll tell you what.
Uh, Pooh Bear. Um, Jellyfish. Ooh.
Um- The Ombudsman.
The Ombudsman. Uh-huh. What kind of activities do you two do?
Do you get to listen to any music here?
Yes. I have discovered the wonders of hip-hop.
Wonderful.
And, uh, it has- I don't know- opened my mind a little bit.
One would say. Have you learned any - any songs that I maybe would know?
Uh, mostly in here it's just, uh, freestylin'.
The gentlemen inside will, uh - Well, one will lay down a funky beat,
or, uh, something.
- I feel it first.
Then I spit a side. But you start by going, "Yo. Yo, yo." #
# My name is Cleve I'm in jail #
# I wanna leave #
That's about it. Word up. That's wonderful.
I really do wanna leave.
Thank you.
The time for change is here.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would just like to say-
# We could be livin' in another time #
# The older state was a state of mind #
# Look around It's a brand-new day #
# Brand-new day Brand-new day #
# They say that now is the future and change has finally come #
# The new revolution American dream #
# That's right #
# The next generation #
# They say that now is the future and change has finally come #
# The new revolution American dream Sweet dreams #
# The next generation #
Thank you.
Again, I - I sincerely thank you. Please sit.
Now, some have called me a hero.
But I am just a man.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it bears repeating.
# We could be livin' in another time #
# The older state was a state of mind #
# Look around It's a brand-new day #
# Brand-new day Brand-new day #
# They say that now is the future and change has finally come #
# The new revolution American dream #
# That's right #
# The next generation #
# They say that now is the future and change has finally come #
# The new revolution American dream Sweet dreams #
# The next generation #
What the "F" are you talking about?
Love nuggets.
Mouth full of nut sack, Cleveland.
I know- I know physically what you're talking about.
Basically what we're describing is it's a terrible situation.
I don't either. What?
I don't either. Are you answering a question?
Or are you referring to something we just said? Yeah.
You said, "I don't either." Well, I don't know what he's talking about.
Oh. Okay, so it was only two questions ago.
Right. Gotcha.
I think I know.
Well, why not, Stover? What? What do you know?
I wouldn't like it.
If I could...
bottle you up-
all five of you-
Cut! Cut.