Hey, girl. Whoo.
Hey, Carlton, what's up, man? These are the books I need.
Will, classes have been in session for five weeks...
...and you're buying books now?
Yeah, I thought I'd get an early start this year.
Look, check it out, I need English Lit 101, Sociology 101 and Human Sexuality 420.
Four-twenty? That's a graduate course.
Oh, yeah, I did advance placement in high school. You know what I mean?
[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]
WILL: Mm.
Valerie "The girl of my dream" Johnson, is in the house.
See, we got this little game that we play.
You know, I ask her out and she says no, you know.
Right now, she's winning 64-zip, but I feel lucky.
Excuse me.
Hey, Val, what's up, baby?
Let me tell you, this is your lucky day.
Oh, why? Let me guess, you're not gonna ask me out today.
You are funny, girl. No, but listen.
On the serious tip, I checked my schedule and, um, I'm free.
- So I can take you out tonight. - Ha, ha.
Check again because I can't.
I already made plans.
My cousin is coming in from out of town and I promised her we'd hang out.
Oh, okay. Hey, you're fired.
I got an idea. How about we double date?
A double date? Heh.
No, see, I can't. My cousin has bad luck with men.
Wait a minute, baby, you're not listening.
I'm telling you, I got the perfect guy. A perfect gentleman.
Listen, y'all come over the crib, you know, and we watch a little movie.
- We just chill. - What's the difference?
If you don't go out with me, you're gonna go out with her or her or her.
Wait, Val, Val, I'm hurt, you know.
Now, come on, I mean, a guy can lie with his lips...
...but he can't lie with his eyes.
- Will, I will go out with you. - Ha-ha-ha.
But it's not because of those fool eyes you just gave me.
Because I got no place else to go.
Baby, you know what, I knew you was gonna come around.
Why don't y'all roll past the crib...
...you know, around 8:00? Give me time to pad the headboard.
I'm kidding. You're sensitive, baby. I'll see you tonight, all right?
Yeah, I must really be desperate. Ha, ha.
I can't wait either, baby. Mm.
Oh, hey, Carlton, you up for a blind date?
Will, everyone knows that blind dates are usually dogs.
Oh, please. I seen you out with plenty of women...
...who looked like they had a little chihuahua in them.
If you're referring to Conchita, I don't see her anymore.
You missed a spot.
- Thank you, Miss Hilary. - Ha, ha.
You know, this housework stuff's kind of fun. Heh.
There's another one.
What's so important, you had to page me during a high-speed chase?
Jazz, I need you to come on a double date with me.
Since I married Jewel, I'm a changed man. Unless the double date's with Hilary.
Hey, brown sugar.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
- I gotta go. - Wait, Jazz.
Hey, Carlton, about that double date, man...
So you couldn't find anybody else?
I guess I'm your only friend. How pathetic.
You know what? Never mind.
Okay, okay, stop groveling, Will, I'll do it.
I'm gonna go get the car. Why don't you look over that manual one more time, huh?
- Okay. - What's going on?
Oh, I'm so excited. I just got my permit so I'm gonna go driving with Daddy. Heh.
Ashley, stop. U-turn, go back.
You're going the wrong way. You're going the wrong way.
Come on, Will, he can't be that bad.
Ashley, Daddy's fine when he's driving.
When he's in the passenger seat, he turns ugly.
"You're going fast. You're going slow. "
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Take a left. Take a right. "
[IN DEEP VOICE] "I don't care how pretty she is, you can't drive on the sidewalk. "
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Look, Ashley, get out while you can.
Whoop, too late.
Are you all set, sweetheart?
Uh, Daddy, I don't know about this driving thing.
Oh, darling, it's natural to be nervous the first time.
So if you don't feel you're ready, I'll understand.
See you.
What's wrong with her?
CARLTON: I don't know. It had nothing to do with me.
- I wasn't around. WILL: I think she's drinking.
[THE 5TH DIMENSION'S "UP, UP AND AWAY" PLAYS]
Would you like to ride In my beautiful balloon?
We could float among the stars togeth...
[STOPS MUSIC]
What the hell are you doing?
I'm just setting the mood for our date.
No, I don't think you understand. See, this is my date.
You're just here running interference while I get my mack on.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
All right, now, that's them. You stand over there and try to look cool.
Excuse me, Superboy?
Scratch the cool. You just chill a little bit. All right?
Mm. God bless America.
Will, this is my cousin, Karen.
Which one of these losers is my date?
That would be me.
Uh, this is my cousin, Carlton.
Where's the rest of him?
I may be short, but you know what they say...
...about short men and tall women, don't you?
No, what?
I don't know, just making conversation.
- Well, this is a cool place you have here. - Yeah.
Uh, hey, you haven't seen the best part.
Uh, wait until you see the hot tub.
VALERIE: Will.
Oh, no. Girl, you just dirty.
No, it's strictly for therapeutic purposes.
I got this crick in my neck right here that's been really killing me.
Let me help you out with that, cuz.
[CARLTON GRUNTS]
We do this all the time.
Carlton, get off me.
Get off. Get off me!
Ow!
Hey, hey, who's up for a video?
A video? Hmf.
Hey.
No, this is 91/2 Weeks.
That is a sex movie.
Really?
I thought it was a documentary about Vanilla Ice's career.
Hey, why don't we check out my video collection?
BOY [ON TV]: Pa, I think Old Yeller's sick.
CARLTON & VALERIE: Oh.
[OLD YELLER WHIMPERS ON TV]
Are you crying?
Um... No, I think I've got something in my eye.
It's okay, Carlton, this movie always gets to me too.
Don't be afraid to show your feelings.
Well, you know, sometimes I be at the crib alone...
...and I just be crying for nothing.
What a punk.
Is that a cigarette?
[COUGHS]
That is a cigarette.
You know, in case you haven't heard...
...tar and nicotine are damaging to your lungs.
It isn't just a rumor, it will give you a tumor.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go outside and fire up a butt.
Wow, that sounds like fun. Huh? Huh?
Is that crick in your neck bothering you again? Let me get that.
No, no, no.
[CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGH]
WILL: All right.
I think he wants you to leave.
I don't want her to leave. I want you to leave, Carlton.
Will, I'm trying to watch the movie.
If you're not interested, why don't you go for a walk or something?
[OLD YELLER WHIMPERS ON TV]
[SCOFFS]
Fine.
Oh.
And they shoot the damn dog.
Oh.
I cannot believe you and Will are related. You're so different.
- Like you and your cousin. - Yeah, thanks for putting up with her.
- You know, most men find Karen kind of... - Scary.
Sort of.
But you were a total gentleman, Carlton, and that's really hard to find these days.
What was that for?
Well, that was for Karen.
And this, this is for me.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
No, this ain't Carlton, this is Will.
Oh, Valerie.
Yeah, yeah, you know what?
I got some choice words for you too, girl. How you gonna j...?
Hello?
Aahh!
Man, I could kill that Carlton.
Master William...
...if you're serious, I could make a call.
I was just kidding, G.
Me too.
Hey, Will, wanna play catch?
Uh, I'm sorry, Nicky. Not now, man. I'm not in the mood.
Carlton won't play with me, either. What's going on?
Well, we're kind of having problems.
Maybe you should talk to somebody.
You're right. Look, Nicky, it's like this, man. We always make...
Not me. I'm just a kid.
Why don't you tell him?
Will, are you going to finally let me explain what happened?
Ah, shh.
Don't talk to me.
Will, for once in your life, be reasonable.
Can't we just discuss this like grownups?
Yeah, call me when you grow.
Okay, Ashley. You ready?
- What are you doing? - Driving lessons.
Lesson number one: Use a car.
Hilary, Nicky's right. Can we just get in the car?
I don't think you're ready to get behind the wheel yet.
Now, put the car in gear and pull cautiously away from the curb.
Ashley.
What?
You're in neutral.
Okay, we're driving down Sunset.
Ooh, cute boy, 3 o'clock. Ha, ha.
Keep your eyes on the road.
- Hilary. - Now, take a left on Rodeo.
Remember to signal.
Oh, look, there's Bruce and Demi. Hi.
Yuck, what is she wearing?
Hilary, this is beyond stupid.
Use your imagination. You're doing great.
[HILARY SIGHS]
We're driving.
- Stop. - What?
Cartier's having a sale. Pick me up in an hour.
- Where are you going? - To get a bus schedule.
CARLTON: Can't we just talk about this?
Listen, I don't wanna talk about nothing. I just wanna watch the game and forget it.
Fine with me.
[CHATTERING ON TV]
Careful with that drumstick, Uncle Phil.
Turn your back, Carlton's liable to start eating and say:
"Oops. Dad, it just jumped in my mouth. "
That wouldn't happen if you treated the drumstick like a person...
...instead of a piece of meat.
You know what, Carlton?
You ain't nothing but a dog.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're an acrimonious, rancorous, virulent coveter.
Oh, yeah? Well, you ain't nothing but a dog.
All right, all right.
That's enough. Look, why don't I tell you guys a story?
Now look what you done.
I like Dad's stories.
And some day, I'm gonna tell my kids these same pointless anecdotes.
Go ahead, Dad.
All right.
Well, when I was growing up, my best friend lived in the next apartment.
His name was Ralph.
And one day, after 18 years of friendship, we had a fight.
Well, I went to college and he joined the Navy.
Five years ago I went to our high school reunion.
I was determined to bury the hatchet.
But Ralph didn't show up.
I found out that he died the month before.
Well, I never had a chance to make peace with him.
What's even worse, I can't even remember what we fought about.
You kids should think about that.
WILL: Hold up a second there, Aesop.
What's this apartment stuff? Thought you grew up on a farm.
Well, in the South, "farm" and "apartment" are interchangeable.
Uh... Uh, uh, five years ago?
Since when do they have reunions for your 22nd year?
- Yeah, man. And how all of a sudden...? - Okay, okay, I made it up. All right? Pfft.
Huh. I guess lying just run all through this family, huh?
I'm not lying, you nefarious, degenerate miscreant.
Oh, like I'm supposed to believe that, you big dog.
Did you put super glue in my hair gel?
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, that's what you get for stealing my girl.
I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you so she came to me, a real man.
So, what you saying? I'm not a real man?
Yeah, you got it. You should know...
...that all that "yo, yo, hey, baby, bap, bap, bap" stuff is just played out.
It worked in high school, but now it's just embarrassing.
So I'm the embarrassment now?
Take it easy, stumpy.
You know something else? I'm tired of all those short jokes.
I'm average height.
For a woman.
I'm large enough for Valerie.
You wants to go there, huh?
You know what? I'm sick of this.
Let's go. Let's go right now.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this.
Come on, come on. Let's go, come on, what, what, what you want to do?
Pfft. Like that hurt.
Will. Will, are you okay?
Will, wake up.
Will, come on.
[CARLTON GRUNTS]
Damn, still alive.
You know what keeps me going? The thought of dancing on your grave.
Dance on my grave, will you? Damn.
Come, Mr. Smith. It's time for your sponge bath.
Oh, hey, good thing too, because I'm feeling dirty. Ha-ha-ha.
- Tootsie roll. CARLTON: Oh.
Oh, my leg. My leg.
Aw. Come on, girl, you gonna fall for that? What about my sponge bath?
I'll let you shave me. Ha-ha-ha.
Let me take care of Mr. Banks first.
Oh. I get it.
First you steal my girl and now you're gonna steal my nurse.
You old prune. I ought to knock your teeth out.
Go ahead, they're in the glass next to my bed.
Is that what you want? Aw.
Got to go back to the ghetto on you now.
[WILL YELLS]
You're trying to kill me.
[CARLTON GROANING]
Will.
You all right?
- Come closer. - You all right?
I'm feeling the life being sucked out of me.
Before I die I just want you to know that I...
I hate you. Ha-ha-ha.
Carlton, wake up.
Carlton.
I never got to tell you I'm sorry.
[CRYING]
Why, Carlton?
Will, hold you head back. It'll stop the bleeding.
Thank you, Carlton. I think you've helped enough.
I guess you're wondering what happened.
What's to wonder? Ha, ha.
I have a nephew with a possibly broken nose.
And I don't wanna even know why your damn hands are stuck to your head.
What I do know is that I want both of you to settle this thing or I will.
CARLTON: You got it, Dad. No problem. WILL: You got it.
- We can handle it. CARLTON: It's done.
We can handle it. Just go on.
Look, Carlton, um...
...I was doing a lot of thinking while I was unconscious.
We're cousins, man. We've been together long enough.
I should know you would never do to me the kind of things that I would do to you.
That's sweet, Will.
I'm sorry for saying all those things and for punching your lights out.
It was a lucky shot.
I hit you pretty square, Will.
Look, the important thing is that we get beyond that lucky punch.
We're family, man.
We shouldn't be fighting like this. We should be helping each other.
Hey, put her there.
Will.
You're right, man. I'm sorry about the hair. Let me help you.
[RIPPING]
[CARLTON SCREAMING]