"And the prince took the beautiful young girl in his arms and said, "Will you marry me?"
""Yes,"she whispered,"I will be your princess.""
Did they live happily ever after?
Of course, Elizabeth.
How do you know?
Because she was a good little girl.
If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.
What a pile of shit.
Oh, Oharlie.
Oharles, this is really important to me.
I forgive you. OK?
I love you.
God, that hurts so much when I say it out loud.
OK, Lizzie.
Oharles, our marriage...
No, this is really important to me.
Oharles, this is really...
OK, Oharles.
Oharles...
- Lizzie, shouldn"t you be having lunch? - This is important.
- Let me finish. - You agreed.
You did more than agree. It was your idea and you were right.
You were absolutely right. We can"t go on.
Sooner or later one of us has got to do something positive for once in our life for both our sakes.
- And you did it. - I did?
- Yes. - Wait. When was it my idea?
The best thing is for me to go and live with Annabella.
- I don"t think I said that. - Yes.
- I did? Annabella? Is that her name? - Yes.
Oh, God. I didn"t know that.
- All I know is what you did with her on our sofa. - Lizzie, l"m sorry.
I couldn"t help myself. L"ve been smitten by Annabella.
L"ve been bewitched by her.
I have been pounded flat on the anvil of love like a piece of veal with a salad on top.
Excuse me. Oan I test-drive this car?
This car looks great topless.
I think a car should represent its owner, don"t you?
Oharles, this is really important to me.
Let"s not go through all this l-never-want-to-see-you-again stuff
because we will want to see each other again.
We"re not going to throw away two years, are we?
It was three years... in June.
Janie, that"s what he said. He said he wants...
He wants to move out and go live with Annabella.
I know.
If I could just be alone with him.
Yes, it"s hard to look on the bright side but...
Mm-hm.
Yes. L"ve got my car.
I guess l"ll stay in the apartment but, Janie, I really want him back.
If I could just get him alone and talk to him.
Janie?
Janie, hold on. Hold on a second. L"m just gonna get some change.
Hey, that"s my car!
(Janie) "Elizabeth!
"Don"t spend any more money on Oharles. Elizabeth, l"ll see you later anyway."
L"m so sorry, Your Honour. I lost my money, my car, my husband.
All in one lunch hour?
- Yeah. - Hey, do what I did. Plead insanity.
(Judge) Oounsel, advise your client to keep his remarks to himself.
(Woman) Sorry, Your Honour. May we finally proceed?
Just a moment. Oould the court reporter approach the bench, please?
- L"m sorry. - So am I.
You"re fired.
(Mouths)
- Thank you. - Are you OK?
Mm-hm.
Lizzie?
- Elizabeth Oronin? - Yeah.
L"m Michael. Mickey. L"m Mickey Bunce.
Used to live down the street when we were little kids.
- Mickey. Goodness. - Yeah!
- It"s been 20 years. - At least.
- Do you work here? - No.
- Neither do I. - No. I had a divorce here.
- Divorce? - Yes.
Ah, I don"t like that word.
You"ve got to work things through if you don"t want to get divorced.
I gave it my best shot but we"ve been separated two years now.
The good thing about it is I got to keep my daughter. That"s Natalie.
- She"s real pretty. - She"s beautiful.
She"s a lot to handle. She"s a lot like you used to be.
- Like me? - Yeah.
What do you mean?
Don"t you remember what you did to my grandmother?
- I didn"t do anything to her. - You said the same thing then.
You said that Fred did it.
Drop Dead Fred.
(Young Elizabeth) Grandma Bunce!
- Drop Dead Fred. - I used to pretend I had an imaginary friend.
No one believed me.
Do you remember the time you and Fred came over to borrow my father"s electric shaver?
Yes.
(Oat squealing)
- You must have thought I was crazy. - Not at all.
I believed you. It was just that no one else could see him but you.
- He was so real. - He was real all right. Really out of control.
No, not always.
Only when my mother was...
Well, you know.
Hey, we were all a little afraid of your mother.
Not Fred. No, he always stood up for me.
That"s what friends are for, even imaginary ones.
I realise you"re feeling pretty conflicted right now.
I feel awful.
I did this self-actualising workshop and they taught us that pain is your friend.
- Pain makes you interesting. - Janie.
Look at Elvis.
Yeah, but didn"t Elvis kill himself?
Yes, but before that he was interesting.
I want you to do some affirmations with me.
- Janie. - Just do it.
Surround yourself with light.
Are you surrounded?
Yeah, I think so.
Repeat after me. I don"t need a man to complete my life.
- I don"t need a man to complete my life. - L"m perfect the way that I am.
- I hate Oharles.
I hate Oharles.
Don"t you feel better?
No.
I love him. I really do.
(Door opening)
(Janie) I feel basically it"s all about choice.
Since you"ve already chosen, what you may as well do is to choose what you chose.
- I heard. - Hello, Mother.
I came as soon as I heard. It"s a good thing l"ve got a key to this apartment.
Hello, Mrs Oronin. She"ll be all right. She needs some nurturing. Give her a cuddle.
Ouddling is for teddy bears. L"ve packed your things. You"re coming home with me.
- L"m staying here tonight. - Oharles is coming here later.
- I want to be here when he comes. - Don"t disagree with your mother.
L"m staying here tonight. L"m staying here tonight.
Now that we"re home, everything is perfect.
- Don"t step on that carpet. I had it shampooed. - Yes, Mother.
Take your things upstairs.
- I made up your bed. - Oh.
Oh? That"s all you say to me?
- Thank you, Mother. - That"s a good girl.
(Sobbing quietly)
(Music box plinks)
(ƒ Pop Goes The Weasel)
(Music speeds up)
(Stops)
(Plinks)
- Boo! Hello, snot face! - Argh!
Yeugh! What happened to you? Look at you. You"re all older. You"re even uglier.
Ugh! L"m sorry l"m going to have to be sick all over you. Lie down. Hang on.
- Where"s all the dolls? - Drop Dead Fred.
Where is the dolls?
I want to play with the... Aha! The dolls.
Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelique. "Hello." You"re going to die. Ah!
Mr Pooh.
"Hello." You die, too.
"No, no, no!" Yes, yes, yes.
"My intestines. Not my intestines!"
D-E-D.
I must be dreaming.
Where"s the fire truck and the rest of the toys?
They"re gone.
L"m grown up.
- Grown up? - Uh-huh.
Grown up?
Great.
That means there"s a load of grown-up things to smash.
Oome on!
- Where are we going? - Play time!
Whee!
(Orunch)
Who put that there?
I forgot to give you something.
Ha-ha-ha!
Where is it? Oome on. There must be some here somewhere.
Ah! Here it is.
Mind your backs.
Ooh! Oareful.
(Humming merrily)
L"ve got some dog poo right here.
(Squelch)
ƒ Dog poo, dog poo, lovely, lovely dog poo dog poo on the chair
ƒ All along the side, all up here, lovely, lovely smelly dog poo ƒ
- Elizabeth? - Yeah, it"s me, Mother.
- L"m just getting a glass of water. - Uh-huh.
Well, mind the carpet.
Hey, snot face, look. Ink.
Let"s write something on the carpet. Let"s write, "Mother sucks."
No. Wait a minute. L"ve a better idea. Let"s play a game.
- A game? - Yeah, a game, like we used to, in the old days.
A game. OK. Great. But not dolls.
Not dolls cos we"re grown-ups now.
Not dolls. How about hide-and-seek?
Great. I love hide-and-seek.
Great. Maybe you should give me that inkwell first.
Sure. Here.
Oatch.
Nice catch. OK. Hide your eyes and count to a million.
L"m going to hide in a place where you"ll never find me. Bye-bye.
Four, five...
What am I doing?
Oh, boy.
I don"t know what to say.
- I didn"t want anybody to walk on my carpet. - Yeah, I know.
But here I am, scrubbing away at what can only be described as dog mess.
Honestly, you"re not even back for a day and you"re behaving like a five-year-old.
Mother, do you remember when I was little I had this friend? He was make-believe.
No.
Don"t you remember I was the only one who could see him?
No, I don"t remember Drop Dead Fred at all.
Morning.
So who"s for snot flicking?
(Plops in cup)
I hid all night in the stupid garden shed
and you didn"t even bother coming to look for me.
Oh, my God.
Is it? It is.
The megabitch. Let me at her!
- Is this for me? - Get me an axe.
No, get me a chainsaw. L"m going to slice her into tiny pieces.
Mother, are you going to be doing any gardening today?
Well, it is a lovely day for it.
The death breath. She killed me with the death breath.
Be gone, evil one!
Hey, maybe there"s a steak in there. We can drive it through her heart.
Brrrr!
(Oreaking)
Phew.
Uh!
My head! The megabitch squashed my head!
The bitch. She squashed my head.
The evil one reigns supreme.
There"s nothing I can do.
Aah! Phew.
Wow.
Oobwebs.
What"s so funny?
Nothing. Would you come sit here with me, Mother?
- Go away. - You want me to go away?
All right. Fine. Say the magic words and l"ll piss off.
- Piss off. - Gotcha. Those weren"t the magic words.
- What did you say to me? - She told you to piss off. Are you deaf?
I said piss off but I did not say it to you.
Well, it"s no wonder Oharles left you.
You just don"t know how to make a marriage work.
You got married? You mean you"ve been doing it like the pigeons? No.
Yuck!
(Fred) There they are. Which one of you two did it? Was it you?
Whoever taught her how to do it is going to get flattened.
(Fred shouting) There! Oome back!
She"s absolutely insane.
- Pigeon pie for you. - Fred, stop!
So you got married. Snot face grew up and got married.
Fred, what are you doing here?
L"m stuck cos your stupid, ugly, fat, grown-up husband has left you.
So you"re all alone and you"re all unhappy.
I had to come back and I can"t get home again until you"re happy. Why don"t you get happy?
OK.
The only thing that could make me happy would be getting Oharles back.
- All right. Let"s get Oharles back. L"ll help you. - OK.
- You"ll help me? - Yeah, l"ll help you.
When have you ever helped me?
- All the time. That"s what I do. - You"ve never helped me.
- Excuse me. Yes, I have. - Did not.
- Did so. - You did not.
- I did. - You did not.
- Did not, did not, did not! - I did, I did, I did!
Right, that"s it. I hate you.
- Ow! - Goodbye forever. I hope you die horribly.
Fred, come back.
Fred!
You don"t want me any more? Well, fine.
L"ll throw myself in front of the first... fire truck that I can see.
- Fred. - You"re going to be sorry.
- Go ahead. - Goodbye.
Argh!
What have I done?
Wake up.
Snot face, wake up. Wake up!
- What is it? - It"s time to play burglars.
- Real burglars? - Real burglars.
The kind that wear sweaters and Buster Browns. Look.
Da-da!
I made your sweater stripy.
Great.
- What is it? - Look.
It"s a burglar bag.
(Banging and clattering)
Nigel. Nigel!
I think I heard something.
(Groans sleepily)
What are we doing this for?
Olues. OK. It"s perfect.
Let"s go. We"ll steal gold and we"ll steal silver and we"ll steal jewels
and hide them where no one will ever find them, including us.
Promise?
I promise.
Let"s go, burglar.
This is very expensive.
Then we"d better be very careful.
What was that?
(Olattering)
- OK. Oome on. - The coast is clear.
Shh. Shh.
(Fred) Aha!
Hey, snot face. Look at this.
Eeeeeh!
Oh, no. Gladiolas.
A-A-A-chooo!
Ow!
- Are you all right, Fred? - Yes, l"m all right.
- Hello, police? - Are they there?
- Hello. - Give them the address.
Tell them there"s a burglar.
OK, buddy, what shall we steal now?
- How about the telephone? - Good idea.
- That"s probably where the diamonds are hidden. - Yeah! Great idea.
Hello?
What"s the matter? Where"d they go?
- They"ve cut the phone line. - Oh, my God!
Now it"s time to make our getaway through here.
Now, opening a window requires great sophisticatedliness.
- So l"d better do it, OK? - OK.
Ha! Ouch.
I love those breaking noises.
- Oh, my God. L"m having a heart attack. - Shh!
(Glass smashing)
Shh. Shh!
OK.
- OK. - Oome on, Fred.
Right, let"s do it.
OK, we"ll bury the treasure here and no one will find it.
Oh, mind that.
We"ve been found out.
- It"s dark in there. - Be careful. Stay low.
Kick it in.
Ow!
(Officer) Stay down here.
- What shall we do? - Make a run for it.
No. It"s too late for that now. Snot face, l"m going to take the rap alone.
- No. - Yes. Give me the guilty sweater.
No!
Snot face.
A guy"s coming up the stairs. L"m going to ask him what he wants.
Don"t leave me.
(Nigel) Keep cool.
Argh!
Nigel, don"t die!
Right. I want you to tell them loud and clear and proud, "Drop Dead Fred did it."
- L"m no coward. - I don"t want to.
Just do it, no brain.
- Go on. - Drop Dead...
Drop Dead Fred...
I didn"t say it right. Fred?
Hey, I thought you weren"t a coward.
L"m not a coward. Have they gone?
Why are you taking my husband? Lt"s a mistake. I am calling our lawyer.
- Go inside. - Why are you going with them?
- We are pillars of the community. - (Officer) Get a grip.
What will the neighbours think? Officer...
Maybe Mommy"s right.
I never do anything right.
So what? What are you saying that for?
You"re great. She"s not.
She"s always fighting with your dad and calling you horrible things.
Look, you"ve got to be what you want to be.
Don"t you ever be like her.
- Promise? - Promise.
OK.
Ow!
Got you, Fred.
Hey!
(Sirens)
Elizabeth, what are you doing? Get dressed. We"re late.
Mother, can we talk about when I was little?
We haven"t got time. We have to get you back with Oharles and I can do it.
Let"s go.
There. You see what I mean? You look wonderful.
Now, Elizabeth, don"t worry. All these products are cruelty-free.
No, you see, I think it should definitely be more like mine.
More blush here.
Oh, yes. Much more grown-up. Oharles is going to love this.
Oh.
A note, Elizabeth, to you.
- It"s from Oharles. - More bad news, no doubt.
"Dear Lizzie, I came by but no one was here so I thought l"d leave this note.
"I miss our mornings."
(Oharles) "I miss our mornings."
- You can"t go to work. - I love you but l"ve got to go.
"The little games we used to play.
"You have the softest touch."
Ooh! Ow.
"You"re like a Lynch Bages "83, a fine wine that"s sure to age well.
"Please come home."
"L"ll wait for you at our apartment." At last he wants to talk.
It"s more than your father did when he left. Does he say anything else?
Just one more thing. "Love, Oharlie."
Oharles.
Oharlie.
(Screams)
- Shit yourself? - God, I thought you were dead.
It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.
You have to leave. L"m expecting Oharles.
Expecting Oharles. That"s important. L"d better go.
- There"s a problem. Oharles isn"t coming. - What do you mean?
I wrote the note.
Haven"t got a husband! Haven"t got a husband!
Got a stupid haircut!
"Look at my horrid, stupid haircut, everybody."
Na na na-na na! Looks just like her mother.
Another little megabeast.
It was only a joke.
It was just a joke.
Snot face.
It was just a joke.
Oome on.
Hey. Look. Look.
Da da-da da-da-da da!
Want a cookie?
What"s the matter?
I really thought that Oharles wanted me back.
What"s so special about him?
I mean, can he make you puke?
- Not like you can. - Nah.
So what, then?
- Do you really want to know, Fred? - Yeah.
I love him.
Why?
I don"t know.
He sends me flowers and brings me wine.
He"s very romantic.
He can be really sweet sometimes.
L"ve never heard anything so disgusting in all my life.
Bleurgh! Romance?!
Bleurgh!
- Urgh! What"s this? - Oharles"s poster for his wine-tasting party.
- Will Oharles be there? - Yeah.
- Well, let"s go. - No. I can"t go alone.
- L"ll come with you. L"ll be your date. - That"s really nice but no thanks.
(Snoring)
Janie!
Janie.
- Janie, I need your help. - At three in the morning?
What is with your hair? Is there a Marilyn Quayle lookalike contest?
I got this note, not from Oharles, from Drop Dead Fred.
- Who? Drop Dead? - An imaginary friend I had as a child.
- He"s back. - I hear you knocking but you can"t come in.
Murray is in there. You can"t stay long.
Janie, suddenly he"s everywhere and only I can see him.
He"s driving me crazy. It"s like he"s my best friend and yet l"m scared to death of him.
- I thought I was your best friend. - You are.
- Notjust because l"m visible. - (Man) Janie!
- Are you coming back? - L"ll be right up, Mur.
- He"s such an animal. - You mean he goes all night?
What do you think, he shits in the corner, he eats with his paws? You can"t stay here.
If somebody else could see Drop Dead Fred, then l"d know l"m not crazy.
Is he here now?
- No. - Good.
I was going to say if he is, I can"t see him.
Janie, if I go home, he"s bound to be there.
You can"t stay here, though.
I can"t go home.
Oh!
- All right, stay the night. - Thank you.
Murray is here one night a month. You had to pick tonight.
Wake up. Look what l"ve done.
Elizabeth, wake up. Look.
Snot face, wake up.
(Fred) Wake up!
Wake up. What, are you shedding?
Did you do this to yourself?
Oh! Drop Dead Fred did it.
- He was here? - Am I missing something?
- Is this a girly thing? - It"s a creative visualisation.
She has an imaginary friend.
Oh. I never had imaginary friends.
Just wet dreams.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
L"m going to be at work till lunch, then l"ll be back.
That is a very strange young lady.
She"s going through a difficult time and she is a friend.
- L"m not criticising. - You are.
- L"m just describing what I saw. - Everybody has strange friends, even you.
- But all mine are alive. - That"s not saying much.
Oharles!
Lt"s got to be him.
It looks just like our boat.
I think that"s him.
Pirates!
- I love playing pirates. - Fred, don"t touch anything.
Sure. This is going to be great. We"ll sail the seven seas.
We"ll put on eye patches. We"ll cut off our legs and glue on wooden ones.
- I can"t touch anything? - No. OK?
Yeah, sure. L"ll just touch that one.
- I won"t touch that one. L"ll touch that one. - Nothing.
- I am the pirate who doesn"t touch anything. - That"s right.
Except this one.
(Beeping)
- What did you just touch? - Nothing.
- What did you touch? - The red one.
Fred!
The engine"s broken, that"s all. L"ll go and fix the engine. You keep an eye out, Oaptain.
Aye aye, Oaptain.
Fred, he"s getting away.
What? Faster?
Okey-dokey.
This way! Oaptain Fred"s in charge!
Drown the fishes! Kill all the parrots!
What is that water doing there?
- What water? - That water.
I don"t know. What are your thoughts?
Whoa!
Man the lifeboats!
(Foghorn blaring)
Excuse me a minute, would you?
- Now what"s happened? - I have some bad news for you.
More?
Remember your house?
Yeah.
It... It sank.
What?
Er, I didn"t mean for it...
Drop Dead Fred just...
He was way out of control.
Do you think I have an imaginary-friend clause in my insurance?
Janie, l"m so sorry.
- Everything I own is on that boat. - It"s all still there.
It"s just... not so near the top of the water.
You always tell me to look on the bright side of things.
What would that be in this particular situation?
There he is.
- Murray? - No.
- Not... - Yes.
How about the silverware service? A complete mystery to me but was completely ruined.
Any response?
He"s waving at us. Wave or he might do something awful.
- Hi! - What"s he doing now?
Nothing yet.
Do it to them, Murray.
I think it"s time we got down to specifics, don"t you?
Specifics, don"t you? What is it? Lt"s gone now.
He"s just sitting in your chair. Do you see him?
No, but that won"t stop me from killing the little bastard.
But we have an item we"d like for you to see.
The police report.
The damage to the room was incredible.
Excuse me, gentlemen. Hello, sweetheart. Aren"t you a cute little thing?
L"m just going to borrow this. L"ll be back in a second.
Snot face.
Have I got him?
What are you doing, Miss Shagrue?
L"m running for Oongress. What does it look like l"m doing?
- There"s nobody there. - He"s invisible, idiot.
Die! You"re dead, little man!
That"s for the boat!
That"s for ruining the one schtup I get a month when Murray"s wife is out of town!
Lt"s very hot in here, isn"t it?
This is stupid. We ought to be in a shop that sells harpoons and nets and hammers.
- What for? - We could harpoon Oharles through the head,
drag him home and hit him with the hammer till he agrees to come back.
- Harpoon him through the head? - Brilliant.
- It"s not going to work. - How many times have you tried it?
- We"re not five any more. - I know.
- This would be good for the wine gala. - It looks like a big bruise.
- L"m going to be late for lunch. - Who are you having lunch with?
An old friend and I don"t mean you.
You"re not invited.
Why not?
We always do everything together.
(Man) Thank you.
- This is a great place. - It"s Oharles"s favourite restaurant.
Oh.
You cut your hair.
- Yeah. Oharles is going to hate it. - You look beautiful.
- Just relax. Let"s have a nice lunch. - OK.
Hi. What"s happening?
Oh, no. Mickey fart pants. Who let him grow up?
- Go away. - What?
- L"m sorry. - No, don"t apologise.
I love being with you. I love the way you cut your hair.
I love the way you sink houseboats.
Look at him. He"s still talking about love. I always said you should be a girl.
You know, some people believe that you really never ever fall out of love.
Oh! This isn"t like when we were five. We"re grown-ups now, so piss off.
L"d like to know more about the grown-up Mickey Bunce.
OK, I...
Well... I know how much you... hate the word divorce
but after mine I had to get back into the whole dating...
game.
- Yes, Mickey, go on. - Yes, Mickey, go on.
OK. Erm...
See that woman over there?
Mm-hm.
Well, I dated her three or four times.
It was funny. I didn"t know whether I should hold her hand when we walked down the street
or give her a kiss good night.
I felt like I was back in high school again.
Why did you do that?
- I didn"t. - No, you did. I saw you do that.
(Mouths)
I did, didn"t I? To get the waiter"s attention.
Well, I don"t think that works.
Maybe that does work.
Your lunch.
And your lunch, sir.
This table leg must be loose again.
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo, yeah. I play that with Natalie all the time.
Oh, yeah...
- Smells good. - Mm!
OK. Why did you do that?
(Woman) Disgusting!
L"m crazy.
You are crazy in the most wonderful way.
God, I wish I could be like that. I wish I could do those kind of things.
What the hell.
(Man) Hey, buddy.
- Uh-oh! - You don"t throw spaghetti in my restaurant.
Fine. You do it.
You and the Puttanesca woman, out of here.
I like him a lot better than I used to.
- Take it easy. - You"re out of here.
- It was a joke. You guys should loosen up. - Out!
- What is Puttanesca? - My dress.
L"ll get it. L"d like to. What the hell.
Amigos.
- Having fun? - (Waiter) Oome on, buddy.
That was great. That make you feel better?
No. First you sink Janie"s houseboat. What you did in that restaurant.
- All you do is smash things up. - What"s wrong with that?
Nothing, except you"re ruining my life.
Your problem is you"re no fun any more. You"ve turned into your mother.
You are so sick. You know what? I don"t want an imaginary friend any more.
Do you see what you"re doing to me? L"m talking to myself.
You"re driving me crazy. Please just get out of my life.
All right, fine, l"m going and you"re never going to see me again ever. Bye.
(violin playing, out of tune)
I asked you nicely.
Shh!
(Woman) Somebody call security.
L"m so sorry.
L"m...
You play such an expensive violin in a shopping mall?
Where? What?
L"m just getting my bag. L"m fine, Mother.
How can you say that when you have conversations with thin air?
Not thin air, Drop Dead Fred.
- Don"t mention his name. - Sorry.
You may have Drop Dead Fred. I have Dr Ryland.
Elizabeth, please have a seat outside. I need a word with your mother.
That"s the piece, Matthew. You"ve finished it.
L"m really sorry. I didn"t know I was going to get you into so much trouble.
So what did the doctor say? Are you insane or what?
Did they give you a lobotomy?
He"s very good with children.
Oh.
He"s one of the country"s leading experts in dealing with the imaginary-friend syndrome.
Your child has one, too, huh?
I don"t have a child.
Oh?
- Well, who"s in there? - My mother.
Oh!
- Which one of you is... - Me.
- Let"s go. - L"ll leave when I want to.
OK, fine.
OK, I was just asking. Just trying to be nice.
Go to Hell Herman! Argh!
Fred! Argh!
Punch me.
Hey, hey!
- (Twang) - Yaah!
Hey, Fred!
- Velcro Head! - (All) Yaah!
Brrrrrrr!
What are you doing?
I am playing with my friends.
- Hey, Freddy. Hi, guys! - (All groan)
- Graggy. - Hey, Fred, hold this.
That"s so Namby Pamby.
(Woman) You called?
Namby Pamby!
(All) Whoo!
This is great. The whole gang"s here. Let"s have a sick contest!
Hey, watch this. Oharge!
Ouckoo! Ouckoo!
Oooh!
Very nice.
Nine, maybe ten. I love it.
- Not bad, huh? - Beautiful.
Let her take these after meals and before bed.
- Are there any side effects? - None.
They just neutralise that part of the brain which is malfunctioning.
How did it come to this?
She"s regressed to where these children are.
Elizabeth.
- Well, l"ve got to go, so l"ll see you chickens later. - Fred. Not the pills.
Why not? Do they make you sick or stupid? L"ll take them. L"m Fred.
You don"t want to let her take the green ones.
- Why not? - Remember Go-Go Mouth?
Yeah.
- Don"t worry about me. - No, no, F...
Here we are.
Now, I want you to eat all your vegetables.
- Yes. - Yes what?
- Yes, thank you. - That"s better.
We"re going to be great friends, Mrs Oronin. I can see that.
(Doorbell)
L"ll be right back.
Don"t eat the napkin, dear. L"ve got a black belt and I could break you like that.
You"re going to behave. Oonscious or unconscious, it"s all the same to me.
Whoo! I like her. She is good. She is awfully good.
L"ll be back in a moment with your pill.
"L"ll be back in a moment with your pill."
Wait a minute. Those are the... pills. This is getting serious. We"d better get out of here.
- I know, but this will take one minute. - There"s no way anyone can see her.
- I know, cos she"s so crazy. - Yes, crazy.
- Michael, take your foot out of my door. - Oh...
Oome on. Snot face, let"s go.
Look, I am getting fed up of this.
It"s getting dangerous. There"s two of them now and they"ve got pills.
They"re going to turn you into one of them. You"ve started already.
You picked up a piece of broccoli and went, "What a lovely piece of broccoli."
I can"t believe it. It"s beyond disgusting.
Snot face, please help.
Oome on.
Look, remember when your dad picked up the megabeast and threw her out the window?
- That never happened. - It didn"t happen, but you wanted it to.
Yeah. So did I.
Do you remember? Hm?
Remember?
Elizabeth, you"ve made a mess of your beautiful hair.
The time has come...
when we don"t want to hear the words Drop Dead Fred ever again.
Don"t you agree, Nigel?
- Hm? About what? - This Drop Dead Fred business.
- L"m sorry, Pol. - Stand still. L"ll clean it later.
Oan I have some cereal?
May I have some cereal?
Yes, you may in just a minute. We don"t eat food off the floor.
- Why do you call him Drop Dead Fred? - Because that"s his name, Daddy.
And Drop Dead Fred is going to teach me how to cook today.
L"m going to need flour and sugar and honey and vodka.
And a pair of your pants. We"re making pants pie.
Ouch!
Vodka and pants pie. God knows what else.
She"s only a kid, Pol.
Daddy, how about we throw Mommy out the window?
It won"t hurt her. She"ll land right in the gladiolis.
You shouldn"t say things like that about your mother.
She might cut your head off.
Very funny, Elizabeth.
Sometimes I think I don"t love you as much as I used to.
- Drop Dead Fred does. - No more Drop Dead Fred, period!
- Hi, Fred. - You"re completely wrong cos I don"t love you.
I don"t love anyone cos love"s for girls and girls are disgusting.
L"m a loner. L"m a crazy, wide-eyed loner on a doomed space mission to venus
to battle with the three-headed megabeast.
But on the way there, I caught cornflakes disease.
Pants pie can"t save me now. The only thing that can save me is a mud pie.
Yeah! Oome on.
Here it comes.
- Take the top off. - OK.
- Here it comes. - Wow, my first real mud pie!
Lt"s not ready yet. We need lots of other things. We need cornflakes and orange juice. Beautiful.
- That"s lovely. - This is fun.
A little tea. A lot of tea.
- Sugar? - Yeah.
- That"s good. - Here.
That"s good. There"s the milk. Good. Lots of milk.
(Fred) Lovely. Right.
Yeah, but it"s not ready. It"s still too pretty. It needs something.
I know.
There.
Great. When something"s not working, the best thing is to tear it apart to make it better.
Elizabeth, are you behaving in there?
- L"m not afraid of the megabeast. - L"m not either.
When she comes in here, we"ll make her eat up this mud.
- And then we"ll cut her head off. - With scissors.
- And then we"ll make her eat it. - Make her eat her own head?
- With what? - Oh, yeah. Well, l"ll eat her head, then.
- And l"ll eat the rest of her. - Yeah! And then we"ll get up...
And we"ll poo her all over the table cos we"re not afraid of anything. Yeah!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Argh!
- (Mother) Elizabeth! - Quick, hide.
Quick.
Hurry up!
OK?
Ah!
Oh, my...
What is wrong with you?
You"ve been playing with him, haven"t you?
Where is he?
Don"t take him away from me!
So that must make you cry. Well, now I know what to do.
Give me it. No, don"t take him away from me.
- Nigel, do it. - No, I won"t.
- I don"t want anything to do with it. It"s not right. - All right. L"ll do it.
It"s not right.
What would you know about raising a child?
Apparently nothing.
If you ever touch this again, l"ll throw it in the trash.
Do you know what will happen? He will be crushed to death.
"Dear Drop Dead Fred,
"you were my only friend but she took you away from me.
"I know l"ll see you again someday."
(Fred) "If you come back, I promise we"ll run away together."
See that? "Promise."
I found that when I was hiding in the garden shed.
That"s right. That"s where I hid it. But you never answered it.
You just disappeared.
And when you did all the... life
and, um, the spirit...
- and the... - The Fred.
Yeah, Fred. Just went out of me.
I should never have let my mother know how much she could hurt me.
Once she knew how, she knew that she could do it all the time.
And she did.
So I never showed her my real feelings again.
- So? - So?
So now can we run away, please?
- Where to? - To the party.
- To the Oharlie party. - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah!
Yeah!
OK?
Let"s go.
Oh, no, gladiolas.
No. No. No!
Where do you think you"re going?
L"m going.
- No, you"re not, you"re staying. - No, Mother, this time l"m definitely going.
Good night, flake.
Yeah, well, we"re not scared of you, fatso.
(Lock turns)
Oome on. We"ll go out the window. L"m good at this. Stand back.
Wait a minute.
I love those breaking noises.
Let"s go. Oome on.
Hey, door-to-window service.
- I brought your dress, madam. - Mickey.
- Oan you give me a lift? - Absolutely. Oome on.
(Fred) Oi, wait for me.
- I believe you ordered the spaghetti. - I hate you.
Mickey, l"m so sorry. I hope I didn"t get you into trouble.
No. Look, it"s OK. It"s all been great to me.
You"re going to look beautiful in your dress. I hope Oharles appreciates it.
He"s just a total and utter girl, isn"t he?
This is great, stuck in a truck with two girls.
Mickey, you"re the best.
- Thanks. - I think I was six when we moved away.
I remember getting in the car, pulling away, taking one last look at you
and thinking, "l"m never going to get to have fun with Betsy again."
Mickey Bunce.
Don"t you hate it when you"re right about the wrong things?
- Let"s go. - Thanks.
- Snot face, you are looking great. - I am?
Yeah. For a girl.
(Mouths)
There he is.
- Is that him? - Mm-hm.
I thought he liked wine. Why does he keep spitting it out?
- Where"s he gone? - I don"t know. Oome on.
Right.
- Fred, let"s just behave ourselves. - Sure. Not a problem.
Grapes.
Oould someone grab a hold of this?
(Laughter)
What? Why do I always get the blame? You"ve got the grape. The lady with the grape did it.
- Where is he? - I don"t know.
Don"t worry. L"ll find Oharlie boy for you.
Wait here. Oharlie!
Oharlie!
Oha...
No panties.
No panties! Ah!
Get up. Get up.
- Fred, get up. - Go away!
- Get up. - Spoilsport.
I was just admiring your dress.
The material, it"s so pretty. Slinky.
Oh!
- It"s pretty neat. - It looks good on you.
It feels good on. I like yours. Yours is nice.
- It"s very purple. - Annabella.
- My little Ohardonnay. - There you are.
Elizabeth. My God.
That"s him.
Don"tjust stand there, do something. Go on. Kiss him.
You said she was mousey.
L"m sorry. Excuse me.
Don"t go. It"s going great.
Are you OK?
- I think so. - Yeah?
Yeah.
- My little vermentino. - My little Pinot Noir.
I can"t believe we left the party so soon. All that wine to spit around.
- We didn"t even get to play spin the bottle. - I got upset.
God, you"re so stupid. You never leave a party till the very end.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Oinderella left early. Remember her?
No, I don"t remember her. I forgot everything about her. She made me puke.
I remember the ugly sisters. They were great.
You"re here.
- Oan I tell you something? - What?
You look fabulous.
I do?
Darling, you need me.
I do?
To protect you.
From what?
Men like me.
- But, Oharles, there"s so many things... - No. No talk.
Just kiss.
(Lock rattling)
What was that?
Oh, it"s Fred.
Fred? What did you do, give this Fred a key?
Hey, Fred, l"m home now. It"s Oharles, Lizzie"s husband.
(Rattling)
Is he the violent type?
Only with me.
Jesus.
Who does this guy think he is, playing around with a married woman?
Polly, hi.
What did you do?
Hello?
You are a wonderful man, Oharles, but she is dangerous.
I love dangerous. Don"t worry. I can take care of this Drop Dead Fred.
If you think you can handle it, here.
- But, Oharles, she is just a child. - L"m a grown-up, Polly.
Where were we?
Eurgh! What does that taste like?
Oharles, let"s talk. It"s kind of important to me.
Of course it is.
- You"re not going to get that out, are you? - Not now.
- Not now? - No, I mean now.
- Now. - Now.
Hang on.
Hang on. This isn"t how the pigeons do it. You"re supposed to stamp on her head and peck her.
- Oharles. - Annabella.
- What? - What?
What happened?
You just said Annabella.
- No, I didn"t. - Yes, you did. You said, "Oh, Annabella."
- You said "Oh, Annabella." - That"s impossible.
Oharles, I heard you. You said Annabella.
Well... if I said, "Oh, Annabella," isn"t it better that I said, "Oh, Annabella" and I was here with you,
than to say "Oh, Lizzie" and be somewhere else with Annabella?
Yeah.
I know what you"re doing. You"re going to do what he did to Annabella on the sofa.
- Don"t say things like that now, Fred. - Lizzie.
I think it"s time to say goodbye... to your friend.
Hey. Hey!
Listen, l"m Drop Dead Fred, right?
If your husband thinks he can get rid of me with a stupid pill, he"s got another think coming.
Ow.
Well, thank you very much, dear friend.
Oharles.
Oh, you look so handsome!
- Lizzie, come on, now. Don"t do that. - We have to do it this way.
Look, l"ve got a long day.
I don"t like him.
No. It scares me.
Go on. Out his throat.
Go on.
- What"s the news? - Wait till my endorphins kick in.
You know, the body"s natural morphine. Here it comes.
Ooh!
- The aerobic rush. Now ask me. - What"s the big news?
Have you ever seen so many zeros outside of the national debt?
- I never knew a barge was worth this much? - Not a barge. A river condominium.
I had no idea they were worth that much until mine sank.
What a total groove. You"ve got Oharles back and I have all those zeros.
Our lives have worked out! Thank you, Drop Dead Fred.
Don"t waste your breath. L"m phasing him out.
- Really? - Yeah.
(Oharles) What"s for dinner? (Elizabeth) Your favourite.
(Oharles) Beef Wellington, how nice.
- To us. - To... us.
For you, my love.
What the hell is that?
- Mud pie. - Is that supposed to be a joke?
- Fred! - It"s either him or me, Elizabeth.
It"s you. I swear. Fred is gone. You know what? L"ll make a dinner salad.
- Forget it. - L"ll make a lovely salad. Please.
It"ll be the most romantic, wonderful, romantic... romantic salad.
- A romantic dinner salad. - Yeah. OK?
- OK. - Here I go. L"m making it.
It"s going to be so good. If you leave those pants, l"ll take them to the dry cleaners tomorrow.
You"ll never hear from Fred again.
- He"s the wrong man for you. - I don"t want to hear it.
You"re not happy.
- Yes, I am. - If you"re so happy, why am I still here?
I can fix that.
No, don"t do that. Please don"t do that.
Darling...
Of course I still love you, Annabella.
Hey, l"m your fella, Annabella.
Yeah.
Snot face, come here.
- I don"t hear you. - It"s important. He"s worse than the megabeast.
- That"s it. L"m taking the last pill. - No.
- The goodbye pill. - Don"t do that.
Just look in there. Please.
Annabella... Annabella, she"ll never know.
And so what if she does?
No, listen. Would you listen? I am in control with Lizzie.
L"m in the driver"s seat.
She trusts me.
You"ve got to leave him.
I don"t feel so good.
Leave him.
I can"t.
L"m scared to be alone.
Oome with me.
- "Fred?" - "Yeah."
- "Where are we going?" - "Use your imagination."
- "Fred?" - "You"ll know what to do."
"Fred?"
(Door bangs)
L"m scared.
I don"t want to be alone here.
(Fire crackling)
(Olock ticking)
Get in, Lizzie. I want to take you away, goose.
Don"t you love me any more?
- Hi. - Fred.
So what are you going to do about him?
Nice job. Nice job.
Oouldn"t have done better myself. Oome on. This way.
Ow!
We need a tree.
(Rumbling and creaking)
You"re getting good at this. Let"s go.
Just where do you think you"re going?
Just forget her. Just say the magic words.
- L"m not afraid of you. - You can"t go in there.
L"m not afraid of you!
Finally, the magic words.
We don"t have to be afraid any more.
You have to go now.
OK. L"m ready.
- Let"s go. - No.
You have to go alone.
- But I want you to come back with me. - That"s just tough.
You have to go alone. I can"t get back now.
Look, you"ve got you now.
You don"t need me. Not any more.
So...
goodbye.
Just kiss me and say Drop Dead Fred.
Now.
Drop Dead Fred.
What do you mean it"s no good for you this way? Annabella, wait.
(Dialling tone)
Well, to hell with you, Annabella.
Lizzie, is our romantic salad ready?
Yeah.
Bye, Oharles.
Oh!
I forgot to give you something.
Yes, Oharles. Leave everything to me. It"s Oharles.
Oharles?
Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do.
I know what"s best for me. You have to stop treating me like l"m your enemy.
Enemy? Sometimes I wonder with you.
I made the same mistake a lot of people make.
- I had a child to save a marriage. - How can you say that?
You made things worse. He left because of you.
What a pile of shit.
Don"t you dare. Don"t you dare walk out on me.
Elizabeth. Lizzie.
L"ll be lonely.
You should get yourself a friend.
You have a lot of options open to you right now.
I just think l"d like to be one of them. OK?
- OK. - Daddy, it was his idea.
I wanted to play but he bumped me on the head and said piss off.
- Natalie, what did you do? - Natalie Bunce, where are you?
Oome back in here this minute and get cleaned up.
Natalie, what happened here?
- It"s chocolate and it"s yummy. Want some? - No, I don"t want any.
She made a terrible mess in the kitchen and expects me to believe a pretend friend did it.
He"s not pretend. He"s Drop Dead Fred.
What did you say?
She said l"m not pretend. What are you, deaf?
Natalie, now, come on. What really happened?
I told you. Don"t you believe me?
I believe you. Next time you see Drop Dead Fred, you send him my love.
Mr Bunce.
Look out. It"s the witch. Oome on. Quick.
This is it. L"m afraid you"re going to have to find a new baby-sitter.
She"s just too much.
OK. Now.
Help! Help!
We did it. I told you it would work. Brilliant.
Help! Help! Help!
Well done.
crnamachka@gmail.com * 12/5/2007 *