-=THE LAST FANTASY=- Proudly Presents
-=TLF SUB TEAM=- EngSub ripped By KOK
Hey, sexy.
I love that dress.
Of course you do, Lorenzo. You made it.
- Hi, sweetie. - Hey, guys.
- There you are. - Lena.
- You've done it again. - Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.
Gotta mingle.
Oh, the girls are by the pool.
Well, well, well, Lena. So where's this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?
I didn't know you were a football fan, Patrick.
I've never watched a game. I'm just a big fan of his old underwear ads.
Well, he's probably just getting out of the shower. Let me go hurry his ass up.
- Hi. - Hey, babe.
Start of the fourth quarter, and Owens will throw. He's got Brown wide open!
You have got to be kidding me.
Honey, just let me finish the game, I'll take you to the movies.
Take me to the movies?
Hello! There's a huge party going on downstairs.
Remember the catering trucks and the valet parkers?
Oh, shit, I forgot.
I'll tell you what you should forget about.
Football.
Because it's forgotten all about you.
Now, you're going to put this outfit on that I bought you,
drag your drunken ass downstairs
and mingle with my clients like a good boy.
Who am l? Elton John? I ain't wearing that shit.
- Yes, you are. - I'm not your trained monkey, honey.
No. You're much more expensive than that.
But I tell you what.
If you're not downstairs in five minutes,
I'm gonna throw you out of my bed,
out of my house and out of my life.
Then you're gonna have to pay for your own bananas.
I'm just so mad at you because you're not wearing my gift.
Gift?
What gift?
It's like a l-love-you gift. I left it in the closet for you.
Really?
Paul, I'm so excited.
I can't believe you did this.
- Where'd you put it? - In the back, on the right.
Paul? Paul, what are you doing?
I think we need some alone time, honey,
so I'm gonna go take a cruise in your Bentley.
Don't you dare take my car, you drunken bastard!
- I own you! - I love you.
Somebody please open this damn door! Patrick?
- Lena? - Patrick.
What happened to you?
He locked me in the closet and left me to die.
Oh, my God, he is deranged!
He thinks he can mess with me.
91 1.
Oh, man. Here come the party poopers.
Well, well, well. I'll be damned. If it isn't Paul Crewe.
So, what did I do wrong? Was I driving poorly?
Nope. Nope. This car was reported stolen.
No, no, no. It's actually my girlfriend's car.
Shit happens.
Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.
I gotta ask you something. Does he get XM Radio with those?
Actually, they get a couple of channels.
It's Paul Crewe.
Another question, though.
Santa Claus. What's he like?
Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure like yourself,
but, hell, I don't think you got too many
endorsement deals to worry about, now, do you?
Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo. Don't get short with me.
That was good. I mean, he's good.
Man. I hope you got a lot of money for that game you threw,
because that was the most pathetic thing I ever saw.
Now, step out of the vehicle, Mr. Crewe.
Don't you think I should pull the car over more? I could get sideswiped.
You're slurring your words a bit there, Paul. You been drinking tonight?
Absolutely not. Now, could you do me a favor? Hold this beer while I back it up.
Hey, you can finish that one. I got five more. Take care, guys.
We got a 3-94 in progress.
Okay, remain calm.
How you doing? What's up? What's up? What's up?
What you are watching is live footage of a vehicle, apparently stolen,
being pursued by police.
We're receiving word now that the driver of that vehicle
is former Pittsburgh football star Paul Crewe.
Crewe, you might remember,
was the only man ever to be indicted on federal racketeering charges
for shaving points in a professional football game,
although it was never fully proven.
Yeah!
- Hello. - Do not get one more scratch
on my car, or I will slit your throat.
See, that's our problem, sweetie.
You care about this car more than you do us.
And how'd you even know there was a scratch on this baby?
Because I am watching you on TV, as is the whole country.
Once again, you are proving to everyone
what a worthless piece of shit you are.
Well, I hope they like this.
Hey, Lena!
I think we should start seeing other people!
I think I'm in love.
Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.
Without question, Crewe's five-year federal probation for point-shaving
has been severely violated tonight.
The future of this once-great football star looks very dark indeed.
Long way from the big city, huh, superstar?
Staying with the times around here, huh?
Ain't she beautiful?
Home sweet home, boy.
Get on your feet.
You're one lucky son of a bitch, Crewe.
- Is that right? - That's right.
See, the warden loves his football.
Fact, he was on the winning side of your little thing.
- Well, tell him congratulations. - But I wasn't.
Welcome to Allenville.
Thank you, sergeant. I'll take it from here.
- Afternoon, inmate Crewe. - Yeah.
Come on. Warden wants to see you.
Let's do it.
Move it.
I used to play a little college ball myself.
Down at the University of Miami.
I bet a lot of your old teammates are locked up in here.
No inmates from my playing days. Couple of guards, though.
See, we got us a fine prison-guard league down here.
It's like a company softball team.
Now, the warden...
...he's gonna ask you to help out.
Okay. With what?
That wasn't nice.
When the warden asks you,
what are you gonna say?
Yes?
You're gonna tell him "no." You got it?
You're gonna tell the warden
that you want nothing to do with his football fantasies.
Not in my back yard.
Because the warden don't run this prison. I do.
You understand?
Not entirely.
Okay. I feel you, dog. I feel you.
Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.
I don't get to say this to my new guests very often,
but it's an honor to have you here at this institution.
It's an honor to be locked up here, sir.
Oh, well, this is Errol Dandridge.
Colonel Sanders been eating his own chicken.
He's my political adviser.
See, I've been approached by several very influential people
wondering if I'd be interested in standing for governor.
They see the way I run this prison, think maybe I should run this state.
Only with less sodomy, right?
Hopefully none.
Sorry.
Now, there are two things we take very seriously here in the state of Texas.
Prison and football.
We play a little of the latter here.
The warden is too modest to admit that his team is rather good.
But not good enough.
Five years since our last championship.
Five years.
Now, I've worked real hard, pulled strings,
called in quite a few favors to get you here, Paul.
Now, why would you go and do that?
Because I am convinced that you can get us back on track.
I haven't played football in I don't know how long. I don't really want to.
You wouldn't be playing, Paul. Just consulting.
Anyone who was once the MVP of the National Football League
must have a great deal of expertise to offer.
Captain, what would you say to Mr. Crewe looking in,
giving us the benefit of his experience?
I think that's a real good idea, warden. We can use all the help we can get.
Well, then, it's all settled.
What you say, Paul?
I appreciate the offer, but I'm gonna have to pass.
Now, I can assure you
that your time here will be a whole lot easier if you just participate.
I just wanna do my time and go home. Nothing else.
If you'll excuse us, Mr. Crewe.
Captain Knauer, you can stay.
Sit down!
I used to love your underwear commercials.
Thank you very much.
My ex-husband wore the same brand of tighty whities.
He didn't fill them out quite as well as you, though.
Special effects. Hollywood. Not all me.
Oh, I doubt that very seriously.
Well, then get him enthusiastic, damn it!
Come on, get up.
How'd it go in there? We all set now?
Oh, yeah, we're real tight.
Only the finest for you, superstar.
I was just playing.
I ain't gonna forget you, Crewe.
Hey, yo, you owe me money on that game, punk!
Better watch yourself, Mr. Football!
Bitch!
Yeah, you better run, woman.
Yo, football.
Take a seat.
Thanks.
You know, I have never seen one inmate just walk in here
and be unanimously hated by the entire population.
- I ain't never seen it. - How'd I get so lucky?
You could have robbed banks, sold crack,
stole your grandmama's pension, and nobody would have cared.
But shaving points off a football game? Man, that's just un-American.
- You play football? - Me? No.
I suck so bad, they used to pick me after the white kids.
Used to be mad too. It's like, "l can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play."
- Caretaker. - Paul Crewe.
Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate.
You need weed, you need meth-- Hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man.
I know how you white boys always deal with that depression.
I mean, me personally, I don't understand what you white boys
all depressed about. Hey, you're white. Smile.
And for a small fee, I can even get you McDonald's.
- Really? - Yeah, that's right. Mickey D's.
My man Cheeseburger Eddy got the hookup.
Cheeseburger Eddy?
That's right. We can get our McFlurry on.
Enjoy it, fat man.
What about the love of a beautiful woman?
Well, you're gonna have to lower your standards
on the beautiful part and on the woman part.
Hey.
Let's just stick with the cheeseburgers.
Oh, they ugly now, but in eight months, he gonna look like Beyonc¨¦.
No, thanks.
Now, here's the most important part.
You can't let these guys scare you. You can't let them punk you.
Because if you do that, you gonna end up being somebody's bitch.
Don't want that. Thanks for the advice.
Hey. Let me take that tray out for you.
I ain't done eating yet.
Oh, you're not? I'll give it back to you, then.
You're dead!
Hornet's Nest!
Everybody stay down.
Stay quiet!
Come on, Crewe, get up.
Get up, superstar.
Yes, sir.
You think you can do anything you want around here, don't you?
Well, you are no different than any other piece of shit
that calls this place home.
Really? These guys think you're a dumb redneck too?
Girl, that's your new boo.
You better cut that shit out. It's getting old.
That's gonna cost you.
Looking forward to it.
Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
Hey, superdick.
Warden's wondering if your stay in the hotbox has changed your mind.
How long have I been in here?
One week. Wanna go for two?
How'd you find these guys anyways?
Recruitment, boy.
When college stars don't get drafted, they need a place to go.
A job, money, security.
Who drank all the damn Gatorade?!
Damn it!
And apparently steroids.
Look, seems like you got all the talent you'd want. So why do you need me?
Well, now, you might find this hard to believe,
but there's folks here in the prison league don't care for me very much.
- You, warden? - They thought it might be amusing
to schedule the defending league champs as our first game.
And me? Well, I thought an old pro like yourself
might have some training-camp tricks, drills, insights to offer up.
Give us the competitive edge.
All right. Relatively simple. You need a tune-up game.
A tune-up game?
Yeah. In college, we'd start every season against Appalachian State
or some slack Division ll team.
Kick the living shit out of them. Get their confidence up.
You know something, Paul?
- You've just given me an inspiration. - That's great. What?
You're gonna assemble a team to play the first game against us.
And you, Mr. Crewe, are gonna be the quarterback.
I don't think so.
Let me tell you something.
In my prison, to get along, you gotta go along.
I just wanna do my three years and be done.
Three years is before you assaulted Captain Knauer.
Now, you could be with us for a very long time, Mr. Crewe.
Fine, I'll do it.
Good choice.
But one condition, though.
Gotta promise me to keep Captain Knauer off my back.
It's a deal.
Now, you got four weeks to assemble a team and train them.
What, are we gonna have a half-hour a day to practice with a Nerf ball?
Oh, I'll make sure my boys allow you sufficient freedom, within these walls,
to get your team in shape.
What's this? "Football 'tree-outs."'
What the hell is a "tree-out"?
"Tryout," you half a meatball.
- What's this football thing about, man? - Crewe's getting a team together.
- To play against who? - The guards.
Now, I don't know about y'all, but I occasionally have the impulse
to physically assault one of our finer correctional officers.
Yeah? Well, how the hell we gonna get to do that?
Just show up at the "tree-outs," you big, dumb bitch.
Do the girls get to play?
We're playing footballs, not balls-balls.
This is bullshit. Just another chance for the guards to beat on us.
Don't you idiots get it? We could get a free shot at the guards.
This is our turn. We could beat up on them.
We could kill them.
Kill them.
You know MVP sold his own teammates out.
What do you think he's gonna do to you fools?
And that's the truth. With some cheese on it.
There ain't no meat loaf between these buns.
Yo, man, that's my flier, man! I worked hard on it!
You see? He ran like a little bitch, right? You saw that, right?
Yo, team needs you. Team needs you.
You sh-- You come to the tr-- Come to the tree-outs.
Crappy field, shit-ass equipment...
Hey, man, at least we got some world-class players over there.
Forty-five.
Forty-six.
Forty-seven.
He might make the team.
Well, if we gotta cut him, you're doing it.
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
- All right, man. - Good job, man.
Well, well, well. You a football player?
Oh, no. I never played no football, mister.
So, what happened? You read the flier, thought it looked like some fun?
- Oh, I can't read. - Oh, don't worry.
Reading's for rich people.
So you know, we're putting together a football team. Love you to join.
Will you teach me to football?
Sure we'll teach you to football. Won't we, Caretaker?
Hey, I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.
Okay.
Down, Shrek. Down!
Okay, bring it in. Whoever's trying out for the team, wake up.
Can you give a brother a little hustle?
Very good.
For those of you who don't know who I am, I'm Paul Crewe.
I'm gonna be your coach, your captain, your quarterback.
You haven't played in years. Why can't I be quarterback?
- You're right. Let's see what you got. - All right.
- Hit me, I'm open. - Hike, hike! Hike!
That's why. Now, sit down and shut up.
It slipped. I just ate popcorn.
Question: Any of you gentlemen ever play football before?
- You did? Where? - Kansas State.
Are you shitting me? For Coach Snyder?
Kansas State Prison.
Now, I hear they have the softest mattresses out there.
Yeah, they do.
Not as soft as the ones at West Texas Mental lnstitution.
- Really? - Let's finish this conversation later.
For now, I wanna see what you got out there.
We'll grade them on a scale of one to ten.
Move it! Hustle, hustle, hustle!
Give these guys sixes. Give these guys fives.
Good. Good. Give them threes.
Very nice!
- Aren't we missing somebody? - Where's the Kansas State guy?
You assholes better not cut me! I'm still on this team!
Negative two.
All right, go with negative two.
Hey! Somebody bring me a Diet Coke!
- Let's do this! - That's it!
Five.
Good. Seven.
Stupid tire! You're a fricking tire!
You think you're better than me?! I'll kick your ass!
Three.
And a half?
Yeah. That's better.
Okay. Good.
Yeah. Hit that bag, man. There you go, man.
Four.
- Five. I don't know. - I go.
Come on, Switowski!
Daddy!
Oh, man!
- Look at that. - He got it off the hinge.
- I think that's a ten. - Let's go with a ten.
I'm sorry. I "brokeded" your toy.
No, that's a good thing. You should have a victory hug with Caretaker.
What? What you talking about, man? Hey!
Asshole!
Okay, fellas, it's pretty simple. You do a buttonhook.
The rest of you guys block for me. I'll take care of the rest.
Okay? On "go." On "go."
Ready? Break!
We'll work on that.
Okay, half speed on this one, guys. Slow and easy.
Ready?!
Go!
Stop it!
Stop the violence!
Can't we all get along?
- Hey, Paul. - Unger.
- Team's looking great. - Oh, yeah.
- So are you. - Yep. Working on it.
The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon.
That's good news. Unger, you're the man.
Good job today. You're all starting to look really sharp out there. Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
- We're gonna suck. - Yeah. No doubt about it.
You look like you could use a little help.
No offense, my man, but you're a little seasoned.
Seasoned?
I'm not asking to play. I'll coach. I'm Nate Scarborough.
Nate Scarborough?
The Heisman Trophy winner from Oklahoma?
The inmate from cellblock D.
But about a hundred years ago, when I could run and gun,
yeah, I was a Sooner then.
I heard you were dead.
No, I ain't dead. I've been right here, rotting.
Waiting for a chance to get back at those sadistic guards.
Waiting. For this.
Well, coach, as you can see,
we don't exactly have the cream of the crop to work with here.
Well, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna find players?
How'd they get you to go to Florida State?
They recruited me.
I'll get the strippers.
Well, now, Lindsay, this isn't about credit or congratulations.
This is about giving men who've made mistakes in their lives
an opportunity to rise above themselves.
To move beyond the bars of containment.
Say what?
What I would do to you.
Yeah. Nice boot, skin man.
Hey, why does he get to be the kicker? I was All-State, man.
Let's see what you got.
That's why, you dumb-ass.
Just go do some laps.
I heard you boys needed to see me.
Yeah. I want you to meet Skitchy.
Hey, dog. Check that building over there.
They keep all the records in the basement.
He's been here so long, he knows where everything is.
That ain't necessarily a good thing, is it?
I had a parole date in '86. But I got in a tussle with a guard and...
One punch and it went away.
Twenty extra years for one punch?
Well, unfortunately for him, the guard he punched
just happens to be the warden now.
Oh, shit. Warden Hazen?
"Oh, shit" is right.
Fight in the yard. Send backup.
Right on time.
- Let's do it. - Let's do it.
Ain't you guys glad you got a black man for a friend?
- Hell, yeah. - Come on.
Hazen has a rating system for every con.
What's three stars?
The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.
Five stars is the max.
I didn't know that. Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.
Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.
You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.
Come on, that's not funny, man.
I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.
Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.
Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view.
Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.
Why don't you shut up before I slit your throat and watch the dust come out.
Come on, guys, we only got a couple minutes.
How about this guy?
Damn, this fool got the chair three times, ain't died yet.
Well, we may not have the most talented team,
but we will definitely have the meanest.
- What's he doing that for? - Because he's a freak.
Hey, Sasquatch! Someone's here to see you!
Not too smart on your part.
Hey.
How's the headbanging coming?
You're bleeding. Just so you know.
People have told me that you and I look a lot alike,
so I wanted to see for myself.
I'm gonna take a piss.
You scared him away, dumbshit.
You're kidding. Five-star Torres likes The View?
No, just Joy Behar.
The good news is she can breast-feed standing up. That's it.
Where does she come up with this shit?
I'm a Star Jones man myself. I love that big bitch.
That was, like, the furthest thing.
I got married so young, so, I mean,
they weren't pressuring me, the society was pressuring me...
Mr. T orres.
Us convicts are starting up a football team.
Not interested.
We're playing the guards.
Walk away.
Good idea.
0 for 2.
You're putting the pressure on her right now.
Show's over, amigo.
I still got 15 minutes of Joy Behar.
Well, I'm cutting you short. Back to your cell, asswipe.
Hey, white boy.
Cherryhead gonna play?
Yes, he is.
Crewe, don't forget, I'm gonna be open.
Green 40! Hut!
Damn!
Brucie. Brucie. You all right? You breathing?
I got a bird. His name is Ronnie.
Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out.
Wow, no bullshit. Real football? Against the guards?
Full contact.
Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
- Yep. - So I get to tackle him?
Yeah. You can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer.
I wanna hurt him. Not kill him.
Let's get out of here before that thing bites somebody.
All right. We'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
Down, set!
Hut! Hut!
Hey!
- Hit me. - Get rid of it.
Get rid of it!
He didn't get rid of it.
Sacked your ass.
Somebody's gotta get open, guys.
You got hammered by the hammer.
I think I felt it on my leg. We gotta get some speed, man.
What'd you expect? You got no brothers out there.
What are you talking about? We got Switowski.
Switowski? That's one brother.
That's a lonely nigga. This ain't hockey.
You want some speed, you know where to go.
Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.
I knew you couldn't resist my shit.
I got the shakes that'll make you quake.
I got the fries that'll cross your eyes.
I got the burgers that'll--
I just got burgers.
I'm all right. Thank you.
Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.
The only game we'd play with you is
Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.
Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch
- That's a big-ass robot. - Yeah.
You gonna help me out here?
Thank you, Half-a-Star.
Just so you know, we are playing the guards.
That ain't a team. That's just a bunch of dumb rednecks
giving themselves excuses to grab each other.
This guy must be quite the athlete, huh?
You risk bringing your ass in the jungle because you know I am.
Yeah, so you'd beat me in a game of one-on-one, right?
- What? - I think it's time for you to get stepping.
How's this, though? One game.
I beat you, you guys play for the team. You beat me, I'll leave you alone.
Take that. Take that, Deac.
This fool ain't nothing but a thing, baby.
- Ball, dog. - Ball up!
Can Crewe play ball?
He's a natural athlete.
So is Greg Louganis, but I bet you he'd get his ass whupped out here.
- Game's 1 1. Call your own fouls. - Okay.
- Come on, come on. - Give it to him, Deac!
Did I get you?
No, that was clean.
He'll be all right. Call his mama.
- If I foul you, tell me, dog. - Okay, baby.
Take this f-- Take this foul.
What happened there? I think it's my ball, right?
All right.
Get up! Get up, Deac!
Come on, Paul!
- Calm down. - What?
Now, don't stir up the brothers, now. Come on.
Come on, Deacon!
Did I get you, dog?
Hell, no, baby. That was clean. Good D.
I thought he didn't wanna get hurt.
It ain't about getting hurt. It's about pride.
I bet you he's pretty proud right now.
It ain't easy being cheesy!
Did I get you? Did I get you?
- No, I think I'm okay, baby. - I didn't get you, did l?
That's traveling, bitch.
You keep coming, huh?
Game point, baby. How you want the game put up?
Foul.
That was a bullshit call!
My court, my ball.
All right, y'all. Let Deac speak!
Nice spanking that ass, dog.
- Now, get stepping. - Hold up.
Y'all got a running back?
Not any good ones.
No disrespect, Deac...
...but any man that can take that kind of beating out here,
I can't wait to see what he can do in a contact sport.
Shit, I'm in.
Man, give me that cheeseburger. You acting like a real McAsshole.
Cheeseburger, he wants to run with the white boys, we will let him.
Let's do this.
Earl Megget.
Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's Kiss.
I'll take it.
Let's get this over with, rookie, I'm starving.
Fresh meat, boys! Fresh meat!
Down, set!
Battle, you're a psycho!
Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!
Holy shit!
Get him!
Ran right out of your shoes, huh? Hey, manager, don't you think
we can get our new star running back a decent pair of cleats?
Yeah. I think I got a cousin that drives a truck for Reebok.
It's cool, man. I never had shoes growing up noway.
- I'll be all right for now. - Oh, okay.
Get your country ass back in the huddle.
That boy got some slave feet, you see that?
Defense! Huddle up over there!
Paul. Paul.
Hey, ladies. How's it hanging?
- Tell him. - I'm gonna say something to him.
I just wanted to let you know I am your biggest fan.
And I will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you at game day.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Paul.
I appreciate you.
Okay, thanks. I'm glad to know that.
Okay, are you done now?
What's wrong with you? Jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
I don't know what you're talking about, freak show.
Whatever, back freckles.
Oh, yeah, back freckles. She's making up shit now.
I'm gonna get some water.
That feature interview worked better than I thought.
I just got off the phone with ESPN2.
They want to televise the football game.
Guards, cons, Paul Crewe, it's compelling stuff.
Lots of human interest.
Don't do that in here.
Television.
Dandridge, do you think that might help my visibility
with the registered voters of this fine state?
Oh, yes.
The freak is back!
Hey, hey. It's me again.
You know, if I take this half down, we could play together.
I'm just gonna take this half down.
Don't worry. Don't worry. I got another ball.
It's okay.
You wanna serve?
I'll serve.
Really good news. We started a football team.
You like football?
It's kind of like Ping-Pong.
Only the ball's a little bigger and egg-shaped, like my head.
Just a joke. Stay calm.
Give you a good chance to throw people on the ground,
hurt them like you used to when you were a kid, 10 feet 6 inches ago.
We'd be playing the guards.
I think Papajohn's their safety.
Turley, nobody gets to me. We'll play more Ping-Pong later, okay?
Hut!
Effective.
- All right. - He brokeded my nose.
I don't wanna play no more.
Hey, hey, hey. Switowski, what are you talking about?
This is football. Shit happens.
Paul, he brokeded my nose.
Okay. Stop crying.
All right. We can fix this. Here we go.
Okay. Good, good.
How's it look?
How's it look? It looks-- It looks like-- It looks better than before.
- Really? - Yeah, it's straighter.
More distinguished. Kind of like a young Michael Jackson.
I love little Michael.
That's great. That's great.
I think he did it on purpose.
No, he didn't.
Okay, maybe he did.
You gotta apologize to him. Come on, Turley.
Say you're sorry.
Come on. Say it.
He said he's sorry. I got him to say he's sorry.
Yeah, yeah. We're all impressed.
Looking good, gentlemen. Way to work hard.
Good practice, Paul! Me and the girls wanna show you
- what we've been practicing. - Okay, hit me.
Come on, let's go. One, two, three.
Give me a...
D, D, give me a I I, I, give me a C
C, give me a--
All right, all right! I got it. Just save it for the game.
Don't act like you ain't want to see more, Brucie!
- Yeah, you wish, pal. - No, you wish I'd kiss you again,
because your breath smell like eight cans of shark shit.
I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole.
- What's he talking about? - He's a freak.
Run, Forrest, run!
That's how a white man plays guitar.
Captain, he said he had some info.
You guys have "Halo 2." I didn't even think that was out yet.
Focus. Turn the music off!
Yeah, captain. You know them convicts?
They're starting to get some serious players.
But their biggest threat? A running back. Megget.
- He's good? - He's fast.
He's really, really fast.
I mean, he's so fast, he makes fast people look not fast.
I got it, he's fast.
Now, why don't you show us your speed and get your pyro ass out of here.
Yes, sir. Here I go. I'm sorry.
Any books you'd recommend, inmate?
No, sir.
Not much of a reader.
Oh, come on, now, maggot. I've seen you in here reading before.
You requested this detail. Isn't that right?
No. It's the quiet time I like, sir.
Maybe you'd like to read this.
What the hell kind of bullshit book is that?
It's historical. Sir.
Now, why would he want to read a book about a four-eyed nigger?
Does the N word offend you, nigger?
No, sir.
Sorry about that.
You mind fetching these books for me, boy?
No, sir.
Just pick them up. Put them on the table.
There you go.
You forgot one.
Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?
Hit you, sir? No.
Y'all my friends.
Pick these up.
Go!
Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!
Come on! We got one week before we play that game.
We can't complete a pass yet.
- Megget can't run the ball every play. - I know, coach.
What the hell is he smiling at?
This better be on the up and up.
I guarantee it.
Let's do this shit.
There goes the neighborhood.
Now I'll never get to play.
Did you see that? Did you see that? The Deac is here!
Nice.
Okay, we seal off here, seal off here.
- Cheeseburger. - Yeah.
You're just gonna chip this guy...
That stings.
It's nothing a Quarter Pounder can't fix.
With cheese on it?
Hut!
Man, that boy would catch a cold in the desert. Here you go.
- Everything's looking up. - Yeah.
Still got one more pain in the ass to deal with.
All right, what do you say? How about a little best ball?
No, I hate that bullshit. Everyone play their own damn ball.
Holy shit, is that Paul Crewe?
How do you like that, boys? The MVP coming to kiss my ass.
So, what's on your mind, Paul?
Got a problem with inmate Unger.
- Is he on your little squad? - I believe he's on your little squad.
Mr. Crewe, would you mind if we had a picture? Please?
That's up to the warden.
- Damn it. All right. - Rewound it. Did everything.
- The flash is ready. - You don't need a flash. It's daylight.
Oh, my bad. I just want a good picture.
You know, I think you had sex with my wife before I married her.
- Sorry about that. - Oh, hell, no.
If she's hot enough to have a one-nighter with a pro football player,
I must be doing all right.
Okay, here we go.
- Sergeant Engleheart? - Yes, warden.
Would you step out of the picture, please?
Yes, sir.
- His wife has got the hottest ass. - Great.
Just cut to the chase, shall we?
You don't actually think you have a chance of winning, now, do you?
We're gonna get our asses handed to us.
I know it. You know it. I just don't want my players to know it.
Your players?
Just when I thought I had you all figured out.
- What does that mean? - In the time you've been here,
you haven't made or received one telephone call.
You haven't opened so much as a single shred of mail.
What do you give a damn about those slimeballs?
You never cared about anybody in your entire life.
Well, maybe I finally found that sense of family
I been yearning for since I'm a baby.
And gosh almighty,
my new family and l would sure appreciate it
if you got Unger off the field. You hear?
Sergeant Engleheart.
Thank you.
Oh, and as for your request...
...you'll have my answer soon enough.
Did it rain last night?
Not a drop.
Son of a bitch.
All right, boys.
The warden is trying to break our spirit.
He thinks we're gonna skip practice today,
wait for the field to dry, make it up tomorrow.
You know what? Who gives a shit?
Three days till game time. We can handle it.
But let me say this:
That old man flooding this field tells me something.
The guy is scared.
Scared of you sick, degenerate convicts.
And you know what?
He should be.
Because I got news for you guys.
We're gonna win this thing.
Did he say "win"?
What's it gonna be, boys?
Do we go back to our cells, call it a day?
Or do we get ourselves ready for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta
in the history of football?
I'll leave it up to you guys.
Hey. You're part of the goddamn team.
Get your point-shaving ass in there.
You got it.
I guess that asshole Hazen wants to play dirty.
- We all convicts, right? - Right.
Maybe it's time we started acting like it.
Right here. Right here.
Take it, Deac.
Let's see which guards have some broken bones.
Yeah!
Shoes, nigga!
Check this out. These be brass knuckles. They damn near old as me.
Hut!
That's perfect, Cheeseburger! Never been better.
Good ball. Good ball.
Okay.
- Who we gonna crush? - The guards!
- Who we gonna kill? - The guards!
- Who we gonna kiss? - The guards!
Gotcha.
Lights out!
Good night, ladies.
- Yo, Crewe! - Yes, Mr. Caretaker.
Check your toilet. There should be a little surprise in there for you.
You took a shit in my toilet?
No, that's the surprise I left in Brucie's toilet.
- You got something else. - All right.
Well, would you look at this.
A bottle of Ketel One and two glasses?
Now, what would I need two for?
Just shut up and pour me a drink, bitch.
- Man, who taught you to be so cool? - My mama.
Now, when I get out of here, I don't want you to get all Hollywood on us.
I want you to meet her.
Here, look at my girl. She's your biggest fan.
Your mom's beautiful.
And you, you are ugly.
Thank you. Got it.
Here's to...
...the first friend I've had in I don't know how long.
Hey, I thought I was your friend, Paul.
You are, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go back to sleep.
Okay.
And here's to having one of these with you on the outside,
sometime in the next three to five years.
- Yo, Crewe. - Yes, sir.
You being a ex-football player and all,
I'm sure you got a lot of hot ass on the outside.
Well, let's not forget I wasn't the most popular guy out there.
Don't give me that shit.
O.J. chopped his wife's head off and still got some ass.
Yeah.
My mama taught me not to kiss and tell. Now, go to sleep.
All right. I got one more question to ask you.
Okay. What is it?
Why'd you shave those points?
Didn't you read the papers? I'm innocent.
Yeah. Ain't we all?
Yo, Crewe, what would you say
if I could get you film from the guards' games last year?
I would say that's incredible, but how?
Thanks, gentlemen.
The warden will be done with him in 15 minutes.
- We can handle him. - Yes, ma'am.
Then you're gonna, ma'am.
Nice job.
I can't tell you how much this means to me. Thank you, Lynette.
Now Nate can study all the guards' formations.
Not so fast, sugar bear.
You gotta earn them.
We only got 1 5 minutes,
but, sunshine, we're gonna make them all count.
One more, please?
Let's go.
- Quiet down. Guys. - Let's go.
Before we watch the guards' game film from last season,
we have a special presentation from our very own Mr. Paul Crewe.
What are you talking about?
What's going on?
Now I gotta relive this shit?
Yeah!
You can say this, my man's a team player!
You know what they say. Once you go gray, there ain't no other way!
Hey, hey, hey. Brucie! Brucie! I'm glad you think that's funny,
because I got something pretty funny to show you guys.
Tony, hit it. You're gonna like this.
- What the hell is this? - What? It's good. It keeps going.
- Hi. - Here I am.
Turn this shit off. Turn it off.
No!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. Trick photography.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened.
I was showing a little wrestling move. That's all.
Knock it off!
It's time we took a look at what we came here to see
before the guards come back.
The first film is the guards' offense against Texas Southern.
Now, as you can see, they're running a standard wishbone.