2005年
舞會就在週末！ 購票從速！
嘿，美樂蒂
-嘿 -是這樣的
我們彼此認識很久了
我們兩家就在對門
而且…
再過四天
我確信，如果…
-再過四天就是學校舞會… -天啊
你不是要邀我去舞會吧？
當然不是
不，我…我只是…
-妳可能有人約了 -抱歉
我不知該怎麼婉轉回絕
沒辦法婉轉的啦
你就是個怪胎
你該知道…她超辣的
看看她、看看她
-仔細看看她 -晚點見吧
-再見 -老弟，和你聊天很開心
老兄，真經典
葛瑞詹可，請到校長室 葛瑞詹可，請到校長室
-媽的 -祝你好運，老兄
我說得很清楚
如果你成績沒進步 就不准參加舞會
小朋友，準備接受結果吧
結果呢？
你不能去舞會
小子，你能畢業就偷笑了
但是我要當舞會國王
我很高興你在學校玩得開心
因為你完全沒學到東西
媽的！媽的！
七年後
市立警校
歡迎到警察學校
把表格填好，然後往前走
胖子阿姆也來了？靠！
詹可、史密德，上場吧
媽的！
-你很行嘛 -是啊
謝謝
警校入學測試 37F
什麼爛成績
你對這個很行嘛
對，我是
要交個朋友嗎？
來吧，快點
快點，膝蓋抬高 膝蓋抬高一點
我告訴你，那不是重罪
別緊張啦 聽好，如果是蓄意的，就是犯罪
我怎麼跟你說的？ 快點，起來了！
快一點，跑快點
再快一點，快
安全了！
快點、快點！停
耶！好耶！
讓我看看，我看看
不錯耶
立正！各位女士先生
恭喜137班畢業生
準備一輩子耍狠了嗎
當然
我真的以為這個工作 會有更多飛車追逐和爆炸的
而不是抓遊民隨處便溺
你們真覺得警察該管這個？
幫你們撿飛盤？
去撿該死的飛盤吧
可惡
可惡！可惡！
你的沒上膛吧？
我們應該先清膛的，對吧？
什麼，你…不
那可不好玩，來吧
告示牌寫了“禁止餵鴨”
那裡有寫
-你別…不要… -不要，住手
不要，你還是餵了
你覺得自己很大尾？
不會吧
一趴幫的？
這幫人都是大毒販
如果能逮捕他們 絕對能調離駐守公園
你也看到了吧？
呼大麻
福氣安康啦
啥米康？
各位，開派對啊？
你們忘了 抽大麻是違法的？
我有青光眼
我有人群恐懼症
皰疹
不介意我搜查腳踏車吧？
搜啊，你連個屁也找不到
-起來 -冷靜點，外國人
你們是真的警察嗎？ 很像萬聖節小孩假扮的
如果他們是警察，我就是緝毒組的
我知道，對吧？
真好笑
所以放尊重一點
-去死啦，肥豬 -嘿
小心我打爆你的屌
你想玩我的屌？
我會用雙手打爆你的屌 怎樣？快走
-那很怪耶 -他的意思是說
他打算用力打你的私處
打到你的老二掉下來
你車上怎麼有鹽…
-那是毒品 -天啊
趴到地上！嘿！
-給我過來！ -我做了什麼？
-快追人！ -追誰？
你要把腳踏車丟這裡？
好，好的
別跑！ 你這是自討苦吃！
不！閃開！
別跑！
你再跑我就開槍了！ 快停下來！
嘿！過來！
我不跟你玩了！我說真的！
我會抓到他、我會抓到他
不准動！不准動！
手舉起來，不然我開槍了！
夠了！過來！
不准動！停下來！
你真是弱雞！
你有權…東西給我！ 你有權…
…去吃屎啦！
我的手肘
-你沒證據 -被我捅的感覺如何啊？
-嘿！ -感覺如何？現在怎樣啊？
就是這樣，史密德！我們抓到一個！
抓到一個！抓到他了！
耶！耶！
-耶！ -第一次抓人！
-耶！抓到了！ -耶！
-耶！去你的啦！ -去你的！耶！
怎樣？
吃我的屎，舔我的蛋啦！
-沒錯 -去你的公園！
-我們逮捕人犯了！ -怎樣？公園
-怎樣？怎樣？ -怎樣？公園
恭喜逮捕成功，很不錯嘛
-謝了，小肉桂 -那是新的？
警局被迫撤銷告訴
因為你們忘了宣讀他們的權利
你們要逮捕人犯時
怎麼會忘記唯一要做的事？
我確實唸出他的權利… 是修改版的
-你到底清楚米蘭達權利嗎？ -清楚
那唸來聽聽看
你還有很多事要忙
不，說吧 你有事嗎？史密德
我們有的是時間
我有點事，但可以耽擱一下
說吧，只有四句宣讀 最後一句問話
總共57個字
好，開頭顯然是 “你有權保持沉默”
我知道你聽過這句，再來
我記得好像是…
-“你有權當律師” -嗯，那個…對
“你有權保留律師”
你剛剛是說 你有權當律師？
如果想當 你是有權可以當律師啊
你當時在哪裡？
我在追我的嫌犯，長官
結果呢？
老實說，他逃走了
他狠狠推倒我
事實上我的手肘傷得很重
我可以看看嗎？
嗯，傷口很痛 因為泥土跑進去了
哇
算你們兩個走運
我們剛好要恢復 80年代取消的警方臥底計劃
改成符合現代的編制
以前負責計劃那些人
實在缺乏創意，毫無頭緒
他們現在只會 重複過去的作法
還指望臥底不被發現
計劃之一是關於 募集年輕
看起來稚嫩的警員
長官，你是想送我們去
兒童性奴隸大本營之類的嗎？
長官，如果要我臥底 舔某人的老二，我會的
只是…我寧可盡量不要
我認為你們兩個白癡正適合
你們正式調職了
-好吧 -太棒了
我們要去哪裡報到？
去龍虎街
龍虎街37號
不，好像不是
是在…
這八成是開玩笑吧
就是這裡
芳華基督堂？
龍虎街21號
你們好嗎？
這裡怪怪的
你們還習慣吧？
嗯
我在講話 通通給我立正站好！
你們要去臥底 假裝高中生
你們會在這裡 只因為長相幼齒
你們長得像小賈斯汀
麥莉希拉這種的
兇巴巴長官
我知道你們在想什麼
“憤慨黑老大”
就只會愚蠢的死板作法
猜猜怎麼著，兔崽子
我就是黑
我可是努力辛苦才當上老大！
有時我會發火
所以你們認了吧！
我想說的是
接受這種制度
就像那傢伙，英俊
他可能是個笨蛋
還有這一位
矮小不安
他可能很有金錢概念
-你有金錢概念 -搞什麼？
沒人告訴你們 臥底不要穿制服嗎？
我不…其實我不…
我沒收到信件通知
-對，像開始時間… -服裝規定之類的
講話給我像個青少年！
龍虎街第一守則，芙蓋茲
不要被退學
警察體系沒人知道你在這裡 懂嗎？
你被學校踢出來
就給我離開龍虎街
第二條規定，柏恩
不能和學生或老師有性關係，長官
聽到沒？就是你
-千萬別做 -為什麼…
-把你的齷齪老二收在褲襠裡 -齷齪？
別搞上學生
別搞上老師
長官，我知道我們兩個是萬人迷
但我保證我們執勤很專業的
我又不是和你講話，大咪咪的
真是胖嘟嘟的大笨蛋
我在跟你的夥伴講話
耍帥的小白臉
我在和他講話，就別吵我
當我說：“閉嘴”
-我是在跟你說話 -酷
你們兩個混蛋 馬上到我辦公室
馬上去！
嗨，我是畢利安威靈翰
我買了這些
這是大家最近在討論的玩意
乾杯
這是一種新毒品
街頭管它叫HFS
他媽的屎蛋
他媽…
他們把這玩意 傳到網路給大家看？
他們是青少年，笨得可以
所以你們要混進去
階段一：傻笑
階段二：產生幻覺
階段三：狂喜自信
潔西卡，妳願意和我去舞會嗎？ 我知道妳已經答應了
階段四：徹底抓狂
這傢伙讓我看一天也不會膩
這小子真神
神個頭
幾天前他的父母發現 他在房裡嗑藥過量身亡
他死了
不管他吃了什麼 研究室以前都沒看過
你們也知道這小子是白人
這表示民眾真的會在意
長官，我想告訴你 就算他是黑人，我也會在意
目前HFS只侵入賽根高中
一旦這種毒品流傳開來 幾天後就會不可收拾
詹可，我看過你以前的成績單
我幫你選了一堆課
像是攝影和戲劇
融入那群愛嗑藥、愛耍酷的小孩
找出誰在賣這玩意
史密德，上面表示你在高中
-還是處男 -上面有寫？
沒有，我猜的
看你每學期都是優等生 還是雜耍隊的會員
是雜耍社團 不過沒關係，沒事
他們從化學實驗室偷走設備
我們認為他們自己製毒
我幫你選了化學課
這是你們的新身分，懂嗎？
布萊德和道格麥奎
任務就是這樣
混入毒販中，找出供貨者
我們要假裝是兄弟？
混入毒販中，找出供貨者
但如果先找到供貨者 就不必管毒販了
媽的 混入毒販中，找出供貨者
神愛世人
嘿，韓國耶穌
我不知道你是否只保佑 韓國基督徒
你是否真的存在，無意冒犯
我只是…
我真的很怕再回到高中
第一次唸就夠辛苦了
我知道我們還沒逮捕過罪犯 也許我不是一流警察
韓國耶穌 我只是不想搞砸這一次
抱歉我一直講粗話
結尾？
我不知道禱告該怎麼結尾 結尾？
對
嘿！嘿！
別煩韓國耶穌！
衪沒空管你的問題，衪很忙的！
韓國的狗屁事就夠忙的
-馬上回家找媽媽 -什麼？
你們現在是青少年，記得吧？
在任務期間，你們兩個要住在
史密德父母家
我死定了
這房子真可愛
我的寶貝回來了！過來
你永遠是我的乖天使寶寶
我的好兒子
很高興看到你們
-嘿 -史密德家人！擊個掌，史密德爸爸
天啊，史密德媽媽 這都是妳一個人弄的？
-真是不可思議 -對
-是我沒錯 -太可愛了！
你也是
寶貝，我們已經把氣墊床 充飽氣放你房間了
但我們常在那裡運動
希望你不介意裡面的跑步機
不！詹可，天啊，不要
別碰那個 我們剛從喜多娜帶回來的
爸媽，可以收起這些嗎？
感覺好像我死於車禍
-你們還在緬懷似的 -收起來？
如果收起來 就不能時時再誇獎你了
我這樣好像 The Wonder Years的佛雷沙維奇
但是還全裸 手戴印地安友誼鍊
那張照片很棒，莫頓
很像傑雷諾小時候
我拍這張有穿內褲嗎？
沒有
我記得，知道為什麼嗎？
因為我和心理治療師 談過八千遍了
這是四年級足球賽的獎牌
努力獎
其實就是遜咖獎
-不，是代表盡力了 -對
我告訴你 這傢伙總是會努力以赴
肯定是菲莉絲 她迫不及待想見你
什麼？妳告訴菲莉絲我回來了？ 她會告訴所有鄰居的
我說過這是臥底任務 超級機密的
“臥底”，真可愛
-我要上樓了 -好，寶貝，我要你知道
-很高興你回來了 -好
真棒，謝謝
-好，他人呢？ -他在樓上
他要先休息一下 他也很想見妳的
-再見 -我烤了鬆糕耶！
如果不記熟你的身分 我們明天就完了
你必須研究這資料
忘了身分資料，真唬爛 他們說我留級一年
沒錯，你是留級兩年
雖然是假造的背景 我還是覺得很受傷
媽的！襪子不搭
我要重頭開始
第一天上學，我必須看起來超帥
足球校隊 州冠軍
你以前在高中真紅啊
我就不行了
慢跑 一跑者，三顆球
我們在高中處得不好
你覺得同樣情況 不會再度上演吧？
不會，老兄，我們是大人了 我們是好麻吉
絕不會再那樣
-我們很好 -酷
美好的日子等著我們
閉嘴啦
“你所說的一切 將會成為呈堂證供
“你有權請律師
“如果無力請律師 法院會指派…”
老兄，你還沒記熟米蘭達權利？ 你是警察耶
拜託，電視每次 都還沒唸完就剪接掉了
好，上工了
-喂、喂、喂 -什麼？
你在幹什麼？
-你說什麼？ -你雙肩背啊？
-我的書包？對啊 -我們要一起走耶
你只能背一邊
說真的，可以的話 我寧可都不要背
你又變成專家啦？
我在高中很酷，你不是
好，算你有理，繼續
詹可的高中耍酷三要點
第一，不要刻意做任何事
懂嗎？第二，取笑刻意努力的人
第三，要帥
第四，上學第一天 如果有人挑釁你
馬上一拳打過去
第五，車子要夠炫
該死
好，但是開車別像個青少年
老是軋引擎之類的，懂嗎？
我們才不會呢
別這樣，霍夫，對我們有點信心
-準備好了嗎？ -來吧！
太棒了！真棒
-我飛起來了嗎？ -太棒了
好，換我了
-準備喲？要開車了 -好
你還好嗎？
我嚇得屁滾尿流
嘿，停在殘障車位
-這樣會很屌 -太棒了
老兄？
-大家書包都背後面 -給我繼續揹一邊
我辦不到，現在不行
你在幹嘛？ 別向同儕壓力屈服
-你在幹嘛？ -書包該揹雙肩的
-揹一邊是同儕壓力 -不，全被你搞砸了
嗯，那些是哥德派的
那些是書呆子
這群我認不出來
那些又是什麼？
我現在都搞糊塗了
哇
-嗨 -嘿
-早安
嘿，喲
-那是你的車？ -對
一加崙能跑16公里？
不，差不多11公里
-你的車呢？ -生質柴油，老兄
聞起來像蛋捲
對，沒錯 靠餐廳的二手油就能跑
但我們盡量騎腳踏車 全球危機啊
管它的，我才不在乎
你不在乎環保？ 這很差勁，老兄
嘿，你們別吵了行嗎？
我要努力唸書
看看他，他在努力耶
他真用功，書呆子一個
看看那個書呆子
-看看他，書呆子 -你叫誰書呆子？
抱歉，怎樣…
-該死！ -該死，老兄
你還好嗎？搞什麼？ 你是認真的嗎？
關掉娘娘腔的音樂
-你因為我是同志就打我？ -什麼？
不是，少來
這樣不酷，老兄
那真是麻木不仁
我不是因為他是同志才打他
我打了他，結果事後才發現 他剛好是同志
-你打我時，我就是同志了！ -換個說法
有可能因為你是同志
-同性戀就不會打你 -對
你公然揍一名黑人同志學生
還沒到第二節下課就這樣 你要怎麼解釋？
戴迪先生，很抱歉，我只是…
我試著理解你們，好嗎？
前幾天才有學生嗑藥身亡
沒有人做點什麼，包括我
那很奇怪，兩位
然後你們出現了，學期只剩三十天
你們還要來惹麻煩
再有一個黑人同志學生挨揍
我就要精神崩潰了，懂嗎？
你們再違反校規
再度進這間辦公室 就準備退學，懂嗎？
好，你們哪一個是道格？
再來一次 假裝你們不是怪胎
你們哪一個叫道格？
-不，我是布萊德 -好
那表示你叫道格，孩子
-對，我是道格 -很好
這是你的課表
真有趣，看不出來你是聰明型的
真沒想到 但你是戲劇控，倒沒那麼稀奇
謝謝
現在我們搞錯身分了 你這笨蛋
我要上戲劇課，我討厭戲劇 超娘、超尷尬的
天啊，別緊張，誰在乎啊？
我可以混過 幾個星期的樂隊練習和花學課
是化學課，你混不過的啦
你連學科名稱都弄不清楚！
沒事的，你去上我的課 我去上你的課
好，化學課是有圖形那個，對吧？
該死
今天我們要舉行 彼得潘這個角色的試鏡
畢利安會希望演出能繼續下去
我在紐約州當小演員時
紐約州的奧爾巴尼
-我接了當地電視廣告… -嘿
…我必須演一個年輕人
那個學生真遺憾，他很有才華
所以如果他沒才華 就沒那麼遺憾？
不，我不是那個意思
我逗你的
好，很好
我記得有一次 和威利尼爾森的馬吸古柯鹼
那真是太開心了
然後我才發現牠死了
記得有一年夏天…
學生現在還嗑那玩意？
即使他發生這種事之後還吸？
大家都說畢利安是心臟有問題
我認識的人幾乎都吸的 但我不愛那玩意
我也不愛那種玩意
不過我有個朋友很想試試
如果他想買，要找誰呢？
你可以告訴你朋友
如果他真的想要
要找到並不難
他可以隨時買到 但他實在不該吸毒的
毒品不好
但他們可以成為 不錯的演藝人員
-謝謝 -不客氣
注意這個差別 我是說：“演藝人員”
去和毒販接頭
新來的，簡訊小子
既然你有這麼多話 要對莫莉說
就來看看你能不能演彼得潘 和溫蒂對戲
你看起來挺有幾分彼得潘精神的
我不行 我演棵樹就可以了
道格，你還沒有努力去試
怎麼知道你不能做什麼
我的重點是
你必須參加，每個人都要試演彼得潘
好，當然行
我最喜歡的分子是水
喜歡到想娶它了，除非它是我女兒
它的固態可以漂在它的液態上 這真是超乎常態
水讓古代火星有生物 也可以用來洗車
H2O
H2O、H2O
-H2O -好，謝謝
謝謝柴克，說得很好
好，還有人要上臺 做週一分子報告嗎？
好，現在是漢堡小試時間
什麼試？
抱歉
你叫什麼名字？布萊德？
-布萊德，老師 -哇，看看你
布萊德，大塊頭
什麼是漢堡小試？
就是小考，第一個寫完的人 可以得到漢堡十元折價券
-今天要考的是… -你看起來好老
-你是留級還是… -不是，你看起來好小
是提早讀？
我去了法國唸書，所以…
他們的高中要多讀兩年 真是超遜的
法文，愛的語言
真酷，我也很高興認識你
嘿
祝你好運
我是烏鴉
我最聰明…
好
再試一次，酷一點
快一點
還要大聲一點，演好一點
別那麼緊張，要更自在一點
5分鐘後年鑑室見
好，很棒的意見
我去外面練一下
充分利用這些意見 然後再回來
共價鍵和離子鍵有何不同？
a-你白癡 b-我不是
c-你就是，笨蛋 d-該死的考試
真是鬼扯
哇，你也太快了
不是那個快，我先幫你改考卷
我先看看你層肌
看看你的成績…讓我…
我幫你打分數
史密德：馬上出來
我可以去大號嗎？
好，可以
我們有“快去快回”的規定
如果你在六分鐘後沒回來 我就送你去校長室
規定就是規定
我想你必須速戰速決了
-年鑑在哪邊？ -不知道
-這邊嗎？ -不知道！
-喲 -嘿
就是你們？
稍早的事真是混亂
-對 -他覺得很糟…
對，很緊張
你是賣家？
-找你買？ -是你？
對
是你做的還是…
我看起來像搞科學的啊？ 我只負責賣
-對，他只負責賣 -不，抱歉
-我只是… -你們要多少？
每包20元
一包？一包毒品
你們不是緝毒的吧？
哇！
-老兄，少來 -不！也許你是報馬的
你們知道什麼叫報馬？
緝毒的，報馬的
首先，你的說法自相矛盾
因為如果你說我們是報馬的
如果緝毒的找報馬的 你又說我們是報馬的，這有點…
-剛剛是你說的 -他們叫那種人…
聽著，我沒有時間聽廢話 你們要不要買？
-天啊 -要
-要啊 -沒問題
好，在這裡嗑 我才知道你沒問題
抱歉，什麼？
-我們想帶回家 -我必須回教室
-問題在這裡 -我想要帶回家
也許關上燈
先放鬆，有些異樣了
我打算用藥後，再來打手槍的
夠了，我不問這些 要就現在嗑，不然滾出去
我午餐前要編完 女子排球隊的頁面
是嗎？
對，沒問題
-我喜歡在學校嗑藥 -我就在這裡嗑
放進嘴巴
就這樣，來吧
那是什麼？烤肉？清爽口味？
好好享受
-你要挖喉嚨催吐！ -好
要快點催吐！
-要快點吐出來 -我不行
一定要，那個畢利安死了 我們一定要吐掉
你想點別的，想想噁心的事
-快點想啦 -好、好
你奶奶的陰道 有根老二進去了
-你在說什麼？ -不知道！我亂掰！
-我盡力想了！ -幹！快點！
我們幫對方挖喉嚨
-不要！ -要
你別想伸進我嘴巴
-你想死嗎？你想死嗎？ -好吧！
來吧，快點！快！
你在幹嘛？ 想找我的G點啊？
-快插進去！ -我不知道，我以前又沒做過！
快插進去！快！
也不剪指甲！
哦，天啊！
是我嗎？
對不起
有時就是沒辦法
假裝我們沒事 我沒有什麼特別感覺
我也是
嘿！哇
你們得到允許 可以在走廊亂跑嗎？
許可證，你手上這個
哈囉
該死，你們遲到了
現在我必須帶你們去校長室
-拜託，不要，抱歉 -拜託啦
你真是肌肉發達，年輕人
你何時度過青春期的？ 七年級啊？
感覺好像二十多歲了
麥奎對吧？道格麥奎
我看過你的檔案
你的紀錄挺輝煌的，年輕人
搞什麼？天啊，小子！
不准再這樣對我舉手，懂嗎？
我會認為你有惡意
我只想說，我才是道格
我是道格奎德，他是布萊德
那是布萊德
你才是全能運動員？
對，我是道格奎德
田徑高手，這是布萊德 科學神童
他真的很快
階段一：傻笑
有什麼好笑的？
階段二：產生幻覺
你是道格、你是道格
你是道格
這樣好了
我的田徑隊 都是一些體能超爛的傢伙
如果我不是教練 肯定會嘲笑
那些智障，不過我是教練
所以我需要你
我需要道格奎恩加入
懂嗎？
我要你在今天的四百公尺接力 跑最後一棒
你同意，我就幫你簽許可證
別對我吹氣，小子
我沒受訓
兩位，別逼我送你們去校長室
成交了嗎？
好
很好
我不喜歡這樣，把舌頭收回去
把舌頭收回去，嘴巴閉上
你在幹嘛？停止
事實上那還不錯
嗯，簽好了
你們嗑藥了？
好
難得素粒子在助熔電容器中 會產生核反應
帶進二，改變它的原子傘 成為放射蜘蛛
去你的科學
階段三：狂喜自信
好，很棒
我們超棒的
我們超棒的，寶貝
做得好，音樂開始
我是烏鴉
我是最聰明的傢伙
我就是知道
我教我的影子一招
可以緊緊黏住我的腳尖
我是烏鴉
我是
烏鴉！
克利斯多，感受到了嗎？
你是誰？
歡迎加入，彼得
階段四：徹底抓狂
不，繼續！
繼續，那太緊湊了！
不，繼續別停
好，來吧，麥奎！
好耶！
我喜歡你的自信！小子！
我知道你們看過這個
大幅領先！我們行的
你好像很興奮
來了
來了！來了！
嘿，撿起來！
不，麥奎，撿起來 你在幹嘛？
你幹嘛？撿啊…
什麼？麥奎！
別丟掉接力棒，笨蛋！
拜託！
麥奎！
往那邊跑！
去你的！邁爾士戴維斯！
來吧，去你的，來吧！
來吧！快！
天啊
不
不，停
過來、過來
別這樣…
這是棒棒老二
階段五：嗜睡
說曹操，曹操到
老兄，你惡搞運動會真屌
一板一眼的運動太法西斯了 我超厭惡的
所以我才那樣做
好傢伙，回頭見了
我不懂這個學校
這很棒啊
我們整晚做了這個表
很棒的，你一定會喜歡
這些線都是詹可拉的
老大，聽好 毒販是學校超紅的孩子
他們不是普通受歡迎
他們是超健康、自然、環保的一群
他們很酷，他們不酷
這是倒退、不自然 應該阻止的
首領，艾力克莫森，學生頭頭
辣妹多、自在型男
今年參加愛滋慢跑
他要唸柏克萊大學，收到入學許可了
他完全了解我
誰想出來的？你是自閉症天才？
是藝術，長官，事情是這樣的
-這些毛線代表… -我們整理出
校內的可疑名單 這些是嗑藥者
這個小孩今天早上 還對著樹說話
別再鬼扯了！
我想知道供貨者是誰
我們不知道 所以他的臉上打了問號
他不是長這樣 只是用問號代表
混入毒販中，找出供貨者
簡單明瞭
聽起來你們幾乎破案了
真行，你們挺熱衷的
-好光榮哦 -不然妳們更厲害啊？
我們剛剛破獲一個學生幫派
他們在加菲高中五金店 拆解汽車零件
-怎樣？ -你們只是呆呆杵著
把手指插進對方屁眼
我們才沒有把手指 插入對方屁眼
我們只是要完成任務
對，事實上
我打算利用化學課
滲入高科技的製毒圈
科學輔導中心
-通關密語？ -開門！
-你必須說出密語 -你說什麼？
你搞什麼…
天啊
你們在幹嘛？ 你怎麼有鑰匙的？
葛老師給我們鑰匙 好讓我們工作、輔導、玩爆丸
爆丸？你們在賣毒品？
-我看看，販毒啊？ -不是
只是紙牌遊戲 是混合紙牌遊戲
-看到沒？可以打開 -爆丸漫畫
-不是非法勾當？ -不是
-你來這裡幹嘛？ -我來唸書
很好，你需要加強 你成績很落後…
你才落後，我是超前的
-我無所不知 -真的？
什麼是共價鍵？
去你的，我何必告訴你
我不是要無禮，抱歉
我只是…我覺得你不是無所不知
我無所不知
好
這學校是怎麼解釋 該死的共價鍵呢？
就是兩個原子 共同使用它們的外層電子
這樣強度會更強
如果你需要課業輔導 我可以幫你
這麼多電話要做什麼？
我幫同學破解手機、越獄 想藉此存錢上大學
就是改變他們的無線網路 取得受限的APP程式
你可以竊聽電話？
不，我不能灌間諜程式 監看電話紀錄
或偷聽電話內容
-我辦不到 -等等，你不會？
不，我不會
-他在說反話嗎？ -我不知道
所以你會
喜歡漫畫很正常的
環保意識、寬宏大量
如果晚生十年 我大概是學校最酷的人了
我知道，太扯了
你知道嗎？
我很清楚原因
都怪Glee
我覺得這挺棒的
我可能變得有人氣 我能融入風雲學生的團體
我們只需做一些瘋狂之事 來贏得他們的信任
我們應該開個派對？
我來邀請莫莉 莫莉會邀請艾力克
這是我和他交上朋友的最快方法
我們兩個都混入酷帥一族 不是更好？
我想如果你能混入
書呆一族會更好 調查他們幹嘛
這樣對查案最好了
對，我想有道理
-喂？ -嘿，是莫莉嗎？
我就是
嘿，我是史密德
是道格施麥奎
嘿，你好
你會打給我真奇怪
除了偶爾有親戚打來 朋友都是傳簡訊
我打來是因為 我們要一起演這齣戲
-然後… -喂？
媽，掛電話啦！
抱歉，道格
-我的少年兒子 -媽！
我愛你，道奇寶貝 道格麥奎
媽，我說真的，快掛斷！
抱歉，我媽真討厭
她老是把我當成五歲小孩
哇，你真愛談私事，我喜歡
我18歲，我媽還是每天幫我帶便當
有一個月她買了 43隻填充動物給我
醫生以為我要長陰道變女人了
我要澄清，我可沒有
對，因為你早就有了
對，我早就有了
因為你不需要兩個陰道
不過多出一個可以當成零錢包
我小時候都沒有填充動物
等等，不是，我有
我爸爸拋棄我們那天 送我一隻填充小狗
我唬你的
好怪的笑話
我還以為你爸拋棄你們了
對，他確實如此
但連隻填充小狗也沒留下
只留下破碎的夢
天啊，我想那只能說
嗯
世上還是有好男人的
我不會讓一次經驗
毀了妳的回憶
天啊
你哽咽了？ 抱歉我讓你難過了
不是，我只是不喜歡 男人對女人不好
嗯，謝了
言歸正傳
下個週末我要辦個派對 妳也來吧！
妳和艾力克、胡力歐都來
你介意我直接貼在臉書上嗎？
好，對！
我再打給妳
好，我們學校見 妳人真好
-再見 -拜
你在幹嘛…
你們要開派對？
-什麼？ -這件事在推特傳開了
如果我的手下
被我抓到讓未成年的人喝酒
就等著進監牢了
嘴巴還會接上呼吸管
我會從管子大便下去
講得很生動了，謝謝
你最棒了，你最棒
-天啊 -我們愛你
-葡萄園之旅愉快 -你們乖一點
真不敢相信 你們出錢讓我們去
再見！
“我們愛你”？搞什麼？ 幹嘛對我媽說“我愛妳”？
-閉嘴，我很入戲 -好怪
看吧，我們很像兄弟
等等，我們怎麼買酒？
老兄，我沒有假證件
酒類專賣店
怎麼把毒品弄到派對上？
哦，不好
證物室
找到半公斤古柯鹼
我們要讓他們開心玩 不是要害死他們
半公斤大麻呢？
-完美派對 -哦耶！
堆肥用
布萊德、詹可的派對音樂
為超棒點子乾杯
天才兄弟的點子
我非常愛你
這一定超棒的
-乾杯 -乾杯
-誰邀你們來的？ -是我！
派對在此！
-你好嗎？柴克 -嘿，兄弟
你好嗎？羅曼
這真瘋狂 我參加過最瘋狂的事
艾力克呢？他說他會來的
洋芋片夠吧？
這個音樂太像舞曲了吧？
-太像舞曲 -太像？
-你在說什麼？ -我就覺得太像舞曲
你在幹嘛？
-那是我媽的寶貝花瓶 -交給我
道格，嘿！
嘿，莫莉小茉莉
好冷的笑話
真冷
-你們認識吧？ -對
準備，艾力克來了 等我信號
然後你一來 真像超級大帥哥
什麼？
你好嗎？老兄
大帥哥
哇
哇，這些裝潢真讓我大開眼界
很有印地安風
對，我們的爸媽
-很迷印地安文化… -來搖滾一下吧
-抱歉 -你在幹嘛？
-來吧 -看到艾力克了嗎？
說真的，你沒看到艾力克？
無意冒犯，但是你弟真遜
對，是很慘 好像這裡沒帥哥
-我們走人吧 -我們要走了
不，你們才剛到
來嘛，至少我帶你們逛一圈
好，各位，我們成的 我們辦得到
動作盡量快
拿出SIM卡
取得SIM卡資料 逮住艾力克
來吧，CSI的鑑識技巧
-你喝醉了？ -沒有
你以前喝醉過嗎？
-沒有，但是… -把酒給我
-什麼？ -可以找些美眉來嗎？
因為這裡只有男的
不，不能讓女孩上來
那是我父母的房間
-搞什麼？給點隱私！ -靠、靠、靠
那是噁心的3P
但後面的女孩要幹嘛？
艾爾沃斯狂野派對
酷哦
老兄，謝謝你的熱情邀約
但我們要走了，懂嗎？
這還用說
好了嗎？他要離開了
在擷取了
現在就要弄好，行了嗎？
自己看 “請稍候，從SIM卡擷取中”
可惡！肯定被逮到
-保持輕鬆 -對
-隨興啦 -酷
-我不愛一堆計劃的 -對
-再次感謝 -好
艾力克，你好嗎？
你怎麼來了？史考特
甘迺迪高中今晚沒派對啊？
不，我聽說你們的派對有新玩意
想知道你的藥頭 我和兄弟才能插一腳
已經沒空缺了，所以…
我不是在請求
喂、喂、喂
休息一下，我來處理
-你確定？ -交給我
嘿，大哥，我不知道你是誰
-這你不必擔心 -我是擔心
-為什麼？ -因為你在我的派對上
這是我的地盤 我希望這裡很和平
你來這裡卻橫衝直撞的
差點打破花瓶、打擾我朋友
我還一副 “怎樣？史考特，怎樣？"
-這是那種派對？ -是的
事實上，越來越熱鬧了吧？
-不，越來越真實了 -非常真實
就像七個陌生人共住一屋 真實故事
-你要Real World？ -來啊
-什麼叫真實… -這就是Real World
那是什麼？你聽到沒？
夠真實了吧？
史密德，道格
-我該怎麼辦？ -打他！
該死！比他打我更痛！
正常的打！
我說真的
抱歉
-我要殺了你！ -抱歉！很抱歉！
你說清楚啊！你說清楚啊！
我踢中他要害
打架結束了！結束了！
小心我媽的東西！
-我要殺了你！ -你毀了我媽的花瓶！
-去你媽的花瓶！ -去你的！
慘了！
耶！
那才是我兄弟！
-太瘋狂了！ -你好酷哦！
看到沒？超誇張的
哦，慘了
我何時被刺一刀？
太棒了
耶！
那是警察嗎？
哪裡？
不是，給你
我真高興折回來拿我的電話
希望不會吵醒史密德
天啊，他現在是警察
我們真像和緝毒組住在一起
那孩子是個天使
拔出來！
拔出來！拔出來！
抱歉！
好，我們來喝酒吧！
喝酒！喝酒！
這就像我們和大地之母 辦事不戴套
這是怎麼回事？
安妮，等等
開什麼玩笑啊？
滾出我家，我說滾出去！ 派對結束了！
對不起，媽！
媽媽回來了！
-聽我說 -冷靜！冷靜！
-放開我！ -妳這樣
-我在朋友前很丟臉 -給我回來！混蛋
老兄，真瘋狂啊
我發誓，好多年沒參加 這麼棒的派對
我常做這種瘋狂事
-家常便飯啦 -我相信
我現在好亢奮，天啊！
我喜歡你，兄弟
你想賺點錢嗎？
管它的，我加入
好，是這樣的
我不能光靠自己賣 但我只找我喜歡的人
如果你做得好 也許我們讓你參一腳
介紹你和我的藥頭認識 如何啊？
-沒問題 -好兄弟
我的好兄弟…
真是瘋了，差點找不到你們
再次謝謝你的派對
喲
來吧！
“我愛老二”？
你認為這很好笑？
“Wonder Years是屁”？
是哪個變態
會在八歲男孩口中 畫一根勃起陰莖？
這有爭議，那是畫暈機啦
你以為我看不出 那是陰莖和卵蛋嗎？
我可清楚了！
小勞勃道尼還沒戒毒前 我們常一起混的
他醉得厲害，但很好玩！
從現在起，你們要分擔家事
你們要洗衣服、摺衣服
洗碗盤、除草…
老兄，我要給你一個驚喜
昨晚的派對，我拿了艾力克手機
請柴克放入竊聽軟體
現在我們可以偷聽 那個小混蛋說的每句話
我認為這不是個好主意
什麼？
-如果你被識破呢？ -但很有用
這是我做過 最聰明的一招
抱歉，你在氣什麼？
我沒生你的氣 我很高興你有事可做
很好
你好嗎？
做得好，史密德
-密語！ -跪在佐德前！
你可以進入
謝了，佐德
來竊聽吧
我們正要去買化學材料
我們要測試爆破
竊聽的事又不急，對吧？
我想也是
來吧、來吧
-小心 -快走！
耶！
耶！我說吧！
我就說吧！
我真愛科學實驗！
你們每天都搞這個？ 我們再來一次
去你的警察
道格 - 我的彼德潘戲服… 太迷人嗎？
試試陽剛一點的
購物中心
你傳簡訊給莫莉？
什麼？
我不是…莫莉…
也許，那是…
沒事，老兄，別這樣
我又不是50年代 認定女孩的癡情男
我們有時會幫對方口交 但不算認真交往
我只是… 我不會獨佔對方，瞭嗎？
瞭，當然瞭
-對 -史密德？
史密德
菲莉絲
-我馬上回來 -好
嘿，你好嗎？
-我最愛的警察好嗎？ -好
你媽告訴我，你目前在臥底
現在真不是時候
你正在臥底？
對，我正在臥底
那邊有壞人？
他們有槍嗎？ 天啊，這太刺激了
我要打給安妮，她會樂死的
聽說那個詹可小子是你搭檔
-我的電話呢？ -夠了
妳快閉嘴
快閉嘴，妳懂嗎？
我們去看看
妳再不閉嘴，我要揍人了
-不准… -打妳臉哦
我發誓，妳會害死我
-嘿 -那是…
媽的！她想抓我老二！
-什麼？妳想摸他的… -她想摸我下面
她一副：“天啊，我有關節炎
“我的手好痛 我要抓個握把”
我說：“放開！”
她說“抓握把”？
感覺挺好 但馬上又覺得很怪
所以我推開她，我們快走
冷靜，我們快走…
史密德：別等我，和艾力克出去了
你爸媽不介意 臨時有朋友來嗎？
他們晚上大多不在
幾乎是放牛吃草
你真幸運你爸媽不管你
是嗎？
-這裡好棒 -對
嘿
嘿，妳們好
還好吧？
哇，出乎意料的大擁抱
抱歉，很高興看到你
嗯，我也是
-嘿 -嘿
還好吧？
-好，走吧 -好…
我帶了墨西哥餅，很棒
試著轉轉，小心有雷！
小心有雷！小心有雷！
各位，那個環保娘砲 今天要讓他完蛋
拿下環保娘砲
拿下環保娘砲！
大地之母，正在死去
下雨時
就是她在哭泣
-那不算行星 -當然是
冥王星是行星
-好了！ -它以前是行星
-好了 -現在不是了
減少、再利用
回收
我不好意思了
-表演完我總覺得尷尬 -不用尷尬
我要去廁所
-在裡面嗎？ -對，就在上面那裡
好，天殺的
麥克風開了 我們可以聽到那邊的對話
你在幹嘛？
我聽到聲音了
可以問你一件事嗎？坐下
好
我只想確保 你和艾力克要非常小心
面對你們要參與的事情
好，我們會的
如果有什麼差錯就不好了
因為你是好人
嗯，我對妳也有這種感覺
妳是好女孩
妳是女的
-我是 -對
所以我才穿洋裝
-來提醒你 -沒錯
-妳期待戲劇演出嗎？ -對
對，妳就是
-躍躍欲試 -對
-毫不猶豫 -我很興奮
對
這樣是不是很像呆子？
才不會呢
我們才能一起演戲
真是娘砲，他絕對沒機會
所以…
-可惡 -抱歉
你是舞會委員
你覺得那好玩嗎？
她剛剛主動提舞會？
-對，她自己提的 -她在幹嘛？
我認為舞會一定很棒
-舞會超遜啦 -遜斃了
好，有誰嘴上說
他們不在乎舞會 其實私下都在乎
我們要邀誰去舞會？ 沒有人願意和我們去
別這樣，想像一下 白色禮車停下來
旁邊挽著辣妹
你穿著正式燕尾服
鴿子從身後飛起，慢動作
鴿子，為何是鴿子？
因為鴿子讓你看起來特酷
我很懷疑
但如果有個風趣傢伙約我 我會去的
妳不是…妳不是和艾力克…
妳不是要和艾力克一起去？
沒有啊
妳願意…
他會說不出來
他總是這樣 哽在那裡說不出口
所以妳…
也許…
-天啊，你還好吧？ -嗯
他確實哽住了
我在想妳是否…
妳是否
願意和我
一起去舞會？
妳願意和我去嗎？
好
我很樂意和你一起去
什麼？她同意了！
-哇 -哇
好樣的，道格
謝謝你邀我
握手約定
握一下…握了就算
握了就算
嘿，你們在這裡啊
你們好啊
-嗨 -還好嗎？
-你好 -耶
道格…我們都在爭辯
你和你哥哥沒有血緣吧？
因為你們完全不一樣
他是領養的
我們都懷疑 他原本的家庭很糟糕
他今晚人呢？
可能在家和那群呆子在一起 我不知道
你們知道 老是生雨人氣的湯姆克魯斯吧？
那就是我的生活 只不過布萊德的數學很糟
你弟弟真差勁
是啊
他挺差勁的，對吧？
別聽那個
我才不在乎
艾力克的簡訊超好笑的
媽的
嘿，看到你們在這裡真好玩
還好嗎？懶得理你們
我們剛完成 第三件高中臥底任務
看看我們在甘迺迪高中 查到什麼
看來我們在做你們的工作
你們的毒品漫延到其他學校了，遜咖
你們防堵失敗，而且毫無線索！
我們快沒時間了！
你們再找不到供毒者
就要被我踢出龍虎街！
我完全了解你的意思，長官
我昨天聽到艾力克講電話
對方感覺很可疑
提到要帶皮納塔玩偶碰頭
那是性愛的暗語嗎？
-皮納塔？真的？ -對
記得我在艾力克手機 裝竊聽器吧？
你昨晚在享受生活時 我在竊聽
我聽到艾力克和某人 提到皮納塔玩偶
你只聽到這個？
對
我好緊張
我們要在全校面前首演
我事先道歉 我怕上臺會吐在你身上
認真回答我
我看起來如何？
迷人呀
會不會太性感了？
膝蓋彎一點
對，沒錯
有你陪我一起上臺 感覺容易多了
我真高興認識了你
你是我唯一能信任的傢伙
對，那就是我
道格
硝酸鉀
別恨它，它很棒
它可以當氧化劑
以前我不知道，現在我懂了
它有晶體結構
如果你不尊重這點 就遜掉了
它是火藥的主要成分
KNO3，不要悲傷
它可用來做醃牛肉
也可當作胡椒鹽
-布萊德？ -該死
你要去哪裡？
我不想看起來 像是畫了大濃妝
-對 -道格！嗨
布萊德！
哇，你穿的是什麼？
硝酸鉀，妳注意到了
借一步說話
現在不是時候，布萊德
現在正是時候
因為我的皮納塔實在要命
那是性暗示嗎？
剛離開停車場
皮納塔？
莫莉
我馬上回來 我必須幫布萊德一下
我必須幫布萊德，很快的
-不，什麼？ -我保證…
演出馬上就要開始了
我發誓 揭幕之前我就回來了
-我保證 -你了解馬上要…
什麼？你開玩笑吧？
我是怎麼說的？
看吧？竊聽有沒有用呢？
該死
媽的！
你說不必擔心罰單的！
我以為這樣很酷
-圓筒錐… -開教練車
-我來開 -不行
-我都沒開過，這次我來開 -好！你開！
-嘿，各位 -先借一下
-當然 -走吧
兩位，等等，你們不在名單上
你們等等！管它的
-天殺的 -不會吧
是公園那些傢伙
這太瘋狂了
你認為那是什麼？
不知道，錢、毒品
他們可能是新買家 或供應毒品的
如果很好，我會通知你
如果不好，我會通知你東西不好
有道理
-快滾吧 -好，別擔心
再見了
我們一定要跟蹤他們 查出真相
-快趴下！ -趴下！
-幹嘛？ -如果他們看到我們
就假裝你在幫我吹
-什麼？不！ -對，別動
你假裝幫我吸啊
不，快假裝你在幫我吹
我幹嘛自動幫你吹？
誰叫你穿彼得潘的衣服！
好吧
好，我們走
-快走 -好，去跟蹤他們
但是30分鐘內 我們必須趕回去揭幕
喂，你踩教練煞車？
對，你跟太近了
-他們會發現的 -如果隔太遠
看起來更可疑，所以快住手
讓我自己開啦
我知道我在做什麼
說真的，如果你再這樣 我要揍你一頓
保持距離
-我非常認真 -你別踩煞車
-不，我不要… -腳離開煞車！
哦，可惡！
-看你幹的好事！ -看你幹的好事！
搞屁啊？ 你們會不會開車啊！
給我下車！
-媽的 -快鎖門！快鎖門！
怎麼辦？走開！
你是該死的小矮人？
給我下車！
-不！ -該死的ZZ搖滾樂團！
好像憤怒的海象！
-我踩扁你的車！ -天啊
-我踩、我踩！ -慘了
-好、好 -老天爺！快走！
我的天啊！
-讓我開啦！ -別打我了！
小心！
不要干預我開車啦 你的手離開方向盤！
你剛剛撞到兩個人！
-你住手，我不… -手拿開，該死！
-我們塞在車陣了！ -該死
-糟了，他們來了！ -什麼？
我的天啊
怎麼辦？
搞什麼…
慘了
-慘了 -你怎麼回事？快跑！
我跑不動！我穿褲襪！
我還穿緊身牛仔褲耶！ 一樣糟糕！
他們會痛扁我們，或殺了我們
-保時捷！ -警察！快下車！笨蛋！
我在講電話，混蛋
對，去睡一覺 你頭很痛了，死混帳！
-快走！ -糟糕
找找車上有沒有槍
哪裡？車上沒有置物櫃
什麼爛車！ 只有高爾夫球和這個
-這能幹嘛啊？ -我哪知道！
我又不曾飛車追逐！
丙烷 禁煙
易燃汽體
小心！那會爆炸的！ 要爆炸了！
-怎麼回事？ -我不知道
-就是沒爆炸 -真怪
誰知道我的彼得在哪裡？
法蘭奇！你不是我的首選 但我需要你去扮彼得
耶，我為這個角色 準備了好幾個月
哼，誰管你啊
拜託！又塞車？
抱歉，我沒有查路況
-就跑來追歹徒！ -我們走！快！
-走吧！快走！ -該死
莫莉 你到底在哪裡？
-你在傳簡訊？ -不，我沒有！
-你就有！你在傳簡訊！ -我沒有！
好，快好了
我會“飛”回去！
“大笑”
我來開車
你幹嘛老是要這樣 跳過車子？
嗨，妳好嗎？
-嗨 -哇，妳真美
-嗨 -妳真是美極了
別擔心，有人會來接妳
-哇 -快開車
等等，接我？
-他們來了！ -我有個主意
你何不發簡訊 叫他們不要追我們了？
慘了！
他有槍！
我拿這個扔他！
你不必事事說明！
-快丟就是了！ -好！
易燃物
燃油
-要爆炸了！ -天啊！關上車窗！
-現在要怎樣？ -關上車窗！
-不管了！快動手！ -天啊！
我真的以為這次會爆炸
慘了！
找找置物櫃有沒有槍
你說什麼？ 粉紅金龜車哪會有槍
我不管，快找找置物櫃！
搞什麼？
-開槍 -天啊，好！
快開槍！快！
無法瞄準，我辦不到！
-該死 -快開槍！
快開槍打他！快！
該死、該死
-開槍！ -該死…
那個爆炸了？媽的 真瘋狂
你幹嘛替我開槍？
你不會開槍，你在遲疑
-我必須救援 -我正要開槍
-你每次都這樣 -什麼？
快點載我回學校
如果我缺席，莫莉會怯場 她就不會和我去舞會了
-你說真的？ -對，我很認真！
你竟然害我遲到，太自私了
-我自私？ -對，你自私！
你開啥玩笑啊？
看看你自己！
你太入戲了
昨天我發現 你桌上放著大學申請書！
我不知道這案子要辦多久
艾力克要去唸柏克萊 老實說，我也能唸
誰知道？我可以這樣下去 也許改唸醫生之類的
你瘋啦？
你毀了這次調查
至少我會唸米蘭達權利，你這白癡
你真是個傻蛋
哇，女孩，快點來
嘿！抱歉！我來了
我知道我錯過了幾場戲
我要感謝… 掌聲謝謝法蘭奇山謬
-上臺支援我 -去你的，道格！怎樣？
我們來個二合一吧？
我們是雙胞胎，我們一起…
快走啦
你在幹什麼？你瘋了嗎？
這是什麼？
我不知道，但是更刺激
你讓我難堪
沒事，我會補償妳
好…飛翔吧！
-太扯了！ -放開我！
我不笨！我很聰明！
你以為我很笨？你才笨！
-加油，道格！ -我該做點什麼
不該站在這裡看著
我要有所行動
最爛的好朋友！
莫莉，抱歉！
我再也不和你說話了
抱歉
你這白癡！
-過來！ -過來！
在背後取笑我 讓大家嘲笑我啊？
我當了四年遜咖 你連五分鐘也撐不下去！
來點天使粉吧！混蛋！
嘿，不要！
我聽到你罵我雨人，混蛋！
戴迪校長吃屎吧！
你應該是我的朋友！
住手！你被退學了 你們兩個都一樣
第二幕到此結束
就這樣？你不罵我們？
不
我只會開除你們
道格
要搬出去？
對
你知道最讓我抓狂的是什麼
我真以為我們是好兄弟
我願意為你挨子彈
上車，兩個都來
我幹嘛也去？
上車就對了
快點給我上車
不要，除非你客氣點
請上車
快點啦，你們幾個，真是的
昨晚發生一些鳥事
對，我們完成交易後
那些未來的生意夥伴 竟然遭到警方跟蹤
太誇張了
真的嗎？
我不想去坐牢！
你知道帥哥進監獄 會有什麼下場嗎？
會被“強”的！
我不能讓那種事發生
所以我拿了老爸的槍
-艾力克 -哇，別這樣
春田點四五，警方配槍 威力很強
你用過嗎？
-我們不愛槍，沒有 -沒有？
你有很多事讓我想不通
別這樣
你的音樂品味
你看起來像40歲老頭
經過那天的派對，我才知道
你們不可能是警察
對，我敲定交易 供貨者會過來
我需要可以信任的人
好，來吧
好，來這邊 我們先開槍打酒瓶
-練習一下吧？ -好
那是… 還真他媽的準
菜鳥狗屎運啦
好
供貨者要在舞會那天 進行交易
是會有些壓力
但只要有你們罩我…
是嗎？真是的
我一向罩你
該要回我們的工作了
準備參加舞會吧
史密德，做家事了！
媽，我們現在沒空做家事！
如果你住這裡 就要挪時間做家事
媽！
真是的
來
我幫你弄比較快
好了
謝謝
你的槍掛得太低了
會被人看見的
謝謝
詹可…
你願意陪我參加舞會嗎？
我想是吧
我們真的要靠自己 破壞一整宗毒品交易案？
我有些朋友會幫忙
鴿子
提華納之夜
布萊德，你來幹嘛？ 你不能來
如果被校長看到呢？
-這不行，但太棒了 -什麼？
我很高興你願意為了我冒險
你必須走了，拜託，別留下我
葛老師，別說了
-留下來！ -別說了
-什麼？ -留下來
-快走！ -好
-留下 -住口
-沒有你我就迷失了 -什麼？
離我遠一點，我快吐了
你好迷人！
好吧
嘿，南瓜頭
我好氣你，和我跳舞
-妳嗑了藥？ -如果是呢？
莫莉，等一下會有大事發生
我不希望妳受傷
我已經受傷了，道格，我不在乎
妳必須離開，馬上離開這裡
好多手勢哦！
好，我不叫道格
-我叫史密德 -什麼？
-我是警察 -什麼？
我關心妳，不希望妳被捕
所以妳現在必須離開
馬上離開舞會，莫莉
-我說真的 -嘿、嘿
去閣樓，藥頭在等了
-你是什麼？ -走了
-藥頭在等了 -是艾力克？
-莫莉，快離開 -你是…
-快離開！ -什麼啦？
華特斯老師？
嘿！
帥哥布萊德，還有他的兄弟
哇，你很帥哦
你是藥頭？你是老師耶
老師薪水微薄啊
付贍養費就不夠了 你能怎麼辦？
哦，好耶
你們這些小子真棒
哦，小肉桂！
天啊，我們收到這麼好的證據
我從化學實驗室
偷了一些本生燈 丟進一些多力多滋
製造出美妙毒品！
有一天我逮到那個環保小子
躲在運動中心後面抽大麻
我就問：“你要賺點錢嗎？”
好個環保的傢伙，對吧？
我的起司薄餅來了
手指好痛！
爛人
糟了
你們的樣子超可怕的
你們有幾個人？
一大票
卡爾
眼罩很酷哦
謝了
他會認出我們的
我嚇死了
這是華特斯，那玩意是他做的
-幸會 -管他叫什麼名字
你的貨很不錯
謝了，你的讚美意義重大
你們在開派對啊？
那兩個笨蛋是誰？
該死！
-嘿 -你好
沒事，他們是我的手下
-是嗎？ -對
我不喜歡陌生人
這種態度怎麼認識新朋友呢？
除非你給別人機會 不然大家都是陌生人
你在鬼扯什麼？
我沒有…
只是隨口說說
談正事吧，進行交易
過來，小子
你看起來很面熟
-我？ -對
我小時候拍過薯條廣告
人們常說：“啊，我認識你”
但我們應該沒見過
我看起來像是愛吃薯條的嗎？
你身材挺不錯的
但也許某一天 你破戒大吃垃圾食物
不是
對，廣告歌是…
快來吃安德魯薯條
朋友、薯條同歡樂
手拉著手
我的起司薄餅來了！
誰要來一片？
我知道你在裡面，道格 不管你的真名是什麼！
你騙我！
階段四：徹底抓狂
我要殺了你，你這笨警察！
各位，她竟然罵我笨錦茶 太侮辱人了
緝毒的爛人！
她剛剛是說 “有企圖的爛人”嗎？
那太傷人了
我認識這兩個人
你的手下是警察！他們是警察！
警察！趴到地上！
你們才趴到地上！
-我們先說的！ -誰鳥你啊！
你們是警察？
但我們一起狂歡過的
你請我去墨西哥餐廳
艾力克，那是出自我的真心
這是你做的友誼鍊
他不是你朋友，他全是裝的
我要弄斷這個，懂嗎？
到底怎麼回事？
叫那小子閉嘴！
-他也是 -不！等等！
不，我和你們一國的
我不知道他們是警察！
我要離開這裡
我恨死你了！
給我滾開！
-莫莉！ -你在這裡！
搞屁啊！
把槍放下，不然我讓她腦袋開花
你想學電視挾持人質啊？
我不知道！我想幫忙啊 我又沒幹過這種事
你搞砸了
-把槍放下，不然她死定了 -她看來已經死了
什麼？不
天啊
嗯，我聽到她的呼吸聲
她只是嗑藥暈了，沒事
放下槍，不然…
好，冷靜下來
我們會放下槍
你必須放學生走 不必鬧出人命，行嗎？
放下槍，把槍踢過來
迪比，殺了這些混蛋
別這樣，不公平！ 我們很誠信的放下槍了
你是騙子，你很壞！
-這樣不公平 -大家都是朋友
放輕鬆，我們可以交個朋友 大家平安離開
-對，就這樣做吧 -你們蠢斃了
天啊，我們死定了 死定了
可惡！
湯姆韓生，緝毒組！給我跪下！
搞屁啊？
-快！ -媽的！
道格潘豪，緝毒組！你們被捕了！
全部槍放下！多明哥，告訴他們！
放下槍
放下
很好！對！
閉嘴！
你們兩個蠢蛋 毀了我們五年的調查
我們又不知道
你的演技真好
你在我妹妹的婚禮 演奏薩克斯風耶！
難纏的妞，我也睡過她
什麼？
兩個小笨蛋
你們可知道 要混入這樣的幫派有多難？
看到這個鼻子了？
這是假鼻子
你想戴著假鼻子
一戴就是幾個月嗎？還要上膠耶？
挺慘的
我們還要在老二上面刺青
嘿，我那樣說
-是唬你的 -什麼？
看起來比較強悍啊
我們知道臥底的工作是怎樣
市警局，龍虎分局
少來，你們是龍虎隊的？
-對 -對
真有趣，因為我們以前也是
-什麼？ -對啊
哦，糟了！
-天啊！ -媽的
天啊！
抓住他們！
去你媽的！
打爆他們！
去你的
那是槍聲
有人肯定中彈了
好
錢都給你，行嗎？ 我們要走了
我打中什麼嗎？
你打中該死的天花板
道格
在我們臥底期間
我知道有時我對你很壞
只是…我超級沒自信
然後穿戴這些 什麼手鍊、戒指、緊身褲
只是為了
讓大家以為我很酷
我唯一
需要的認定
是來自我的好友
謝了，老兄
錢不見了！
快，我們走！
我們必須離開這裡
你是說這玩意開著
-來做吧 -我們來生個小孩
-你在說什麼？ -我不知道
我只想裝酷，抱歉
太瘋狂了！你殺了一個人！
我的媽呀！
他們會從舞會偷溜的！快走！
快、快！
他們人呢？
莫莉！
可惡！
-你要開車嗎？ -好，我想
好的
-真順！ -我的動作帥吧？
-我就說吧！ -耶！
你們在後面還好吧？
我真愛高中！
最棒的舞會之夜！
-瞄準他們！ -跟緊了！
我盯住他們了！
你們來後座和我玩嘛
-該死，莉莎，妳在做什麼？ -她剛剛昏死在後座啊？
嘿，你有槍 怎麼不回擊呢？
開槍啊，快開槍！
好，等一下！
快點開槍打他們！
不躲了！
把錢還我！
去你的！不！
我辦不到！ 我要去唸柏克萊的！
派對要開始了！
-來狂歡吧！ -不！莉莎！
嘿，我好像在作夢 我站在禮車上！
什麼？
-你毀了我的夢！ -坐好
-什麼？我想狂歡 -坐下！
賤人！
什麼？媽的！
我殺了你！
殺了你！
-不！ -待著別動
快！快！
不！停！
我沒開玩笑！ 我試著開槍打人！
妳停止好嗎？暫停一下？
妳很辣，也很放得開 這樣很好
但現在我要開槍打人！
你覺得我很辣？
我要…天啊！
等等！打電話給我！
讓我知道你們待會去哪裡
我快沒子彈了
我們完蛋了
把錢還我！
我有個主意
-你的彈殼還在嗎？ -在
漢堡小試
鋰電池連上硝酸鉀 有什麼反應？
會形成共價鍵
就是兩個原子，共享電子外層
它們都需要共同的架構
所以強度會變強
我們是共價鍵？
什麼？不是啦
我們兩個又不是原子
-這是什麼？ -龍舌蘭？
我不知道，應該是會爆炸的
哦，天啊！
你在哪裡學的？
化學課，笨蛋
來吧，金髮妞
莫莉！
放下武器！
別想舉起手
別想
看來你沒子彈了，混蛋！
給我出來！
-發生什麼事？ -好
聽我說 你們不准動，不然她會受傷
懂嗎？都不准動！
-好 -艾力克，救我
你不是有槍嗎？
好，不准動！
-我們走 -不！
-嘿！嘿！ -我說不准動！
-媽的，你打中他了！ -天啊！
你還好吧？
你打中我的搭檔，你這混蛋！
我不是開槍打你！ 我是要打他！
你還活著？沒事吧？ 你替我擋子彈
我現在覺得有點後悔了
聽到沒有？我說不准動！ 我說了！你聽到了吧？
艾力克，你聽到了！
-我說別動！ -艾力克，救我！
-交給你了 -不要動
不准動！
開槍！
快點
你在高中沒得混了，兔崽子
哦，慘了
我打中他的雞雞
你打中我的雞雞！
我的天啊！
好耶！
好耶！好耶！
好耶！
你被捕了！
-子彈從屁股穿出了！ -你有權保持沉默
你所說的一切將成為
呈堂證供！
你有權請律師！
如果你無法請律師 法院會指派一位給你！
你是否了解剛剛宣讀的權利？
去你的！爛人！
好耶！好耶！
我們做到了！
我們做到了
感覺真好
我們做到了！
你真像個搖滾巨星
你感覺到了嗎？
該死，你太酷了
你一槍射中他要害
我從沒看過，誰有這麼準？
很抱歉我叫你雨人
我不是罵你笨，你真的很聰明
你很聰明，思慮又周密
你誠懇又貼心，你忠於…
我很珍惜你這個朋友
擊個掌吧？
我的手！
你還好嗎？ 要送你去醫院嗎？
-對，我們要打通電話 -嘿，打電話！
我必須把命根子縫回去
-你閉嘴 -嘿，閉嘴
-這可不好玩 -是那個嗎？
什麼？
那是我的雞雞！
幫我撿起來！拜託！
我們才不要幫你撿雞雞
快撿起我的雞雞！
媽的！
他是我朋友
牢飯沒有素食的，混蛋
嘿
莫莉…
我真的很抱歉
我知道妳要一個能信任的朋友 我非常想當那個人
但我卻讓妳大失所望
然後…
妳生我的氣很好
我認為很好 妳該對更多男人生氣
因為妳值得擁有一個 不會騙妳的好男孩
妳絕不要放寬這個條件
外頭還有很多好男人
不像我那麼混蛋
謝謝你救我一命
混蛋
握一下，夥伴
我等一下再回來
現在就像Die Hard的結尾 但這是我們的真實人生
真瘋狂
-第一集還第二集？ -第三集
-有山謬傑克森的！ -山謬傑克森風格
砰！兔崽子 怎樣？來啊！
他人呢？他在這裡！
他在這裡！就是他啦
-夠了 -擁抱太久了
恭喜你們這兩個 瘋狂有病的兔崽子
這是你們第一次逮人吧？
-這是要送你們的 -不會吧！
-來吧，抱一個 -夠了
新任務
既然你們兩個愛喝酒
和小孩抽大麻，又不知羞恥
隨便和人亂搞
我要送你們到一個 允許這些鳥事的地方
哦，我愛迪士尼！
你們兩個兔崽子 要去大學臥底！
-好耶！ -不！
劇終
哦耶！
我的天！ 你真像兩個少年偵探合一！
哦，該死！
你怎麼來了？史考特
甘迺迪高中今晚沒派對啊？
facebook.com/sazu489
Hey, Melodie.
- Hey. - Look, I know
we've known each other for a really long time.
And we live across the street from each other and stuff.
And...
I know, like, in four days,
I'm sure, if...
- You know, prom's, like, in four days... - Oh, my God.
You're not asking me to prom, are you?
Fuck, no.
No, I... No, I just...
- You're probably going with someone. - I'm sorry.
I don't know how to put this nicely.
There's not a nice way to put it.
You're a fucking nerd.
And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.
Look at her. Look at her.
- Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. - I'll see you later.
- Bye. - All right, buddy, good talk.
Dude, classic.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
- Shit. - Good luck, bro.
I said loud and clear,
if you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.
You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.
I should pay who?
You're not going to the prom.
Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
But I'm going to be prom king.
I'm glad you had a great time in school.
'Cause you ain't learned nothing.
Fuck! Fuck!
Welcome to the Police Academy.
Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.
Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!
Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.
Oh, fuck!
- You're good at this, huh? - Yeah, lam.
Thank you.
Such bullshit.
You're really good at this.
Yeah, I am.
Hey, you want to be friends?
Come on. Come on, let's go.
Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.
I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.
Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.
What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Faster. Let's go.
Clear!
Come on, come on, come on! Stop.
Yes! Yes!
Let me see. Let me see.
Nice.
Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you the graduates of Class 137.
Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.
I am.
I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions,
and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.
Do you guys really think this is a police matter?
To get your Frisbee back?
Get your own fucking Frisbee.
Shit.
Shit! Shit!
Yours isn't loaded, right?
We're supposed to unload them first, right?
What, you... No.
That's no fun. Come on.
Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."
It's right there.
- Don't you... Don't... - Don't. Stop it.
Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.
You feel like a big shot?
No fucking way.
One Percenters?
These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.
If we could take them down as our first bust, we'd be off park duty for sure.
You see what I see?
Cannabis sativa.
Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan?
Gentlemen. We having a little party?
Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?
I have glaucoma.
I get nervous in crowds.
Herpes.
Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?
Go ahead. You won't find shit.
- Get up. - Célmate, gringo.
Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.
I know, right? I know.
It's hilarious.
So why don't you show us a little respect?
- Fuck you, pig- - Hey.
You want me to beat your dick off?
You want to beat my dick off?
I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up'? Let's go.
- That's weird, man. - I think what he was trying to say was,
he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area
that your dick's just going to fall off.
Why do you have salt in your...
- That's actual drugs. - Oh, my God.
Get on the ground! Hey!
- Come here now! - What do I do?
- Chase someone! - Chase someone?
Are you leaving your bike here?
Okay. All right.
Don't run from me! You're making it worse for yourself!
No! Get out of the way!
Stop!
I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!
Hey! Come here!
I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!
I got him. I got him.
Freeze! Freeze!
Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!
That's it! Come here!
Freeze! Stop it!
You're a pussy!
You got the right to... Give me that! You got the right to...
...to suck my dick, motherfucker!
My elbow.
- You got nothing. - How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?
- Hey! Hey! - How's it feel? How's it feel now?
That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!
We got one! I got him!
Yes! Yes!
- Yeah ! - We got an arrest!
- Yeah! We got him! - Yes!
- Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! - Fuck you! Yeah!
What's up?
Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!
- That's right. - Fuck you, park!
- We arrest people now! - What up, park?
- What's up? What's up'? - What up, park? Who wants one?
Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.
- Thank you, Cinnamon. - Are those new?
The department was forced to drop the charges
because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights.
What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing
you have to do when arresting someone?
I did read him his right... I did a version of that.
- Do you even know the Miranda rights? - Yes.
Let's hear them, then.
You got a lot of stuff to do.
No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?
We got time.
I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.
Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,
for a total of 57 words.
Okay. Look, it obviously starts with, "You have the right to remain silent."
I know you've heard this before. And then,
I think it sounds something like...
-"You have the right to an attorney." - Well, the thing... Yeah, right.
"You have the right to remain an attorney."
Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?
You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.
Where were you?
I was chasing my perp, sir.
And how did that go for you?
Honestly, he did get away,
and he threw me down pretty hard.
Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
Can I see that?
Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.
Wow.
Fortunately for you two,
we're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s
and revamping it for modern times.
You see, the guys in charge of this stuff
lack creativity and are completely out of ideas,
so all they do now is recycle shit from the past
and expect us all not to notice.
One of these programs involves the use of young,
immature-seeming officers.
Sir, are you saying that you're going to send us into, like,
a child sex slavery ring or something?
Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.
It's just... I'd prefer not to.
I think you idiots are perfect.
You're officially transferred.
- All right. Yeah. - That's great.
Where should we report to?
Down on Jump Street.
37 Jump Street.
No, that doesn't sound right.
Is it...
This has got to be a joke.
This is it.
Aroma of Christ Church?
How's it going?
This place is weird.
Everybody comfortable?
Yeah.
Get your motherfucking ass up when I'm talking!
You will be going undercover as high school students.
You are here simply because you look young.
You some Justin Beaver,
Miley Cyrus-looking motherfuckers.
Captain Sassy.
I know what you're thinking,
"Angry Black Captain."
It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.
Well, guess what, motherfuckers.
I'm black.
And I worked my ass off to be the captain!
And sometimes I get angry.
So suck a dick!
What I'm trying to show you is,
embrace your stereotypes.
Like this guy right here. Handsome.
And he's probably a dummy.
And then this guy.
He's short and insecure.
And he's probably good with money.
- You are good with money. - What the fuck?
Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?
I don't... I actually didn't...
I didn't get a letter or anything.
- Yeah, like, a start time... - With a dress code or anything like that.
Teenage the fuck up!
Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.
Do not get expelled.
Nobody in the system knows you're here. All right? Nobody.
You get kicked out of school,
your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.
Rule number two. Burns.
Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
You hear that? That's you.
- Don't do it, man. - Why...
- Keep that dirty dick in your pants. - Dirty?
Don't fuck no students.
Don't fuck no teachers.
Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady-killers,
but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.
Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.
You cherub-looking motherfucker.
I was talking to your partner over here.
Fake-ass Handsome McGee.
When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.
When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"
- I'm talking to you. - Cool.
Now, you two sons of bitches, in my office now.
Right now!
Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.
So I bought these,
which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now.
Cheers.
It's a new synthetic drug.
Goes by the street name H.F.S.
Holy fucking shit.
Holy...
They put this on the Internet for everybody to see?
They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid.
So you should blend right in.
Jessica, will you go to prom with me? But I already know the answer. It's yes.
I could watch this kid all day.
Man, this kid rules.
Ruled.
His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.
He's dead.
Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before.
And as you can see, this kid is white.
That means people actually give a shit.
Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.
Right now, H.F.S. Is contained right there at Sagan High.
Now, once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days.
Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.
I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses
like photography and drama.
Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.
Find out who's slinging this shit.
Schmidt, says you were a virgin
-through high school. - It says that?
No. I just assumed it,
due to your many years on the honor roll and your membership to the juggling squad.
It's the Juggling Society, but it's fine. it's fine.
They're stealing equipment from the chemistry lab.
That's what we think they're cooking the dope with.
I enrolled you into honors chemistry.
Here's your new identities, all right?
Brad and Doug McQuaid.
The mission is this.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
We get to be brothers?
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Hey, Korean Jesus.
I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians
or if you even exist. No offense.
I just...
I'm really freaked out about going back to high school.
It was just so fucking hard the first time.
I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.
Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up.
I'm sorry for swearing so much.
The end?
I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?
Yeah.
Hey! Hey!
Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!
With Korean shit.
- You two get to your mama house ASAP. - What?
You're teenagers now, all right?
You two are staying at Schmidt's parents' house
for the duration of this assignment.
Fuck me.
This house is adorable.
My baby's home! Come here.
You will always be my infant angel baby child.
There's my QW-
It's great to see you guys.
- Hey. - Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.
Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?
- This is unbelievable. - Well, yeah.
- I guess I did. - It's gorgeous!
So are you.
Honey, listen, I want to tell you, we did blow up the air mattress in your room
'cause we're kind of using that as a workout area,
so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.
No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please. No, no.
Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.
Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?
I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash
-and you guys haven't moved on. - Rid of it?
If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.
I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years,
but completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
That is a great picture, Morton.
You look like a young Jay Leno.
Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
No.
I remember. You know why?
Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.
I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer.
It's literally a medal for sucking.
- No, that is a medal for trying. - Yes.
Let me tell you something. This guy was always a great tryer.
That must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.
What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.
I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.
"Undercover." That's so cute.
- I'm going upstairs. - Okay, honey. I want you to know
-we are so glad you're here. - Okay.
That's great. Thank you.
- All right. Where is he? - He's upstairs.
He just needs to take a little rest, and then he's dying to see you, too.
- Bye-bye. - I baked muffins!
If you don't know your identity, we're screwed tomorrow.
You got to study this stuff.
Forget those identities. They're bullshit. They said I was held back a year.
You were. You were held back two years.
Just 'cause it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.
Fuck! Socks don't match.
I got to start all over.
It's the first day of school, dude. I got to look awesome.
You know, back in the day, you were super popular,
and I wasn't as much.
We didn't really get along in high school.
You don't think that's going to happen again, do you'?
No. Come on, man. We're adults now. We're best buds.
It's definitely not going to happen again.
- We're good. - Cool.
Beautiful day out there, boys.
Just shut up.
"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
"You have the right to an attorney.
"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed..."
Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.
Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.
All right, let's do it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?
What are you doing?
- What? What are you talking about? - Are you two-strapping?
- My backpack? Yeah. - Yeah, I got to be seen with you.
You got to one-strap it.
Seriously, I would no-strap it if that would even be possible.
Okay, what makes you the expert?
I was cool in high school, and you weren't.
Okay, that makes sense. Continue.
The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko.
One, don't try hard at anything.
Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.
Three, be handsome.
Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school,
you punch them directly in the face.
Five, drive a kick-ass car.
Shit.
All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers,
revving up the engine and shit, okay?
We would never.
Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.
- Hey' You ready? - Go! '
That was awesome! That was amazing.
- Was I flying'? - That was amazing.
All right, do mine, do mine.
- Okay, ready? Here I go. - Yeah, yeah.
You okay?
I think I shit my pants.
Hey, park in that handicapped spot.
- It'll make us look cool. - That's awesome.
Dude?
- Everybody's two-strapping it. - Just stay with the one-strap.
I can't. I can't. I can't right now.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't succumb to the peer pressure.
- What are you doing? - You're supposed to use two straps.
- One strap is peer pressure. - No. No. You're fucking up right now.
Okay, those are Goths.
Those are nerds.
I don't know what they are.
What the fuck are those things?
I'm so confused right now.
Whoa.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Good morning.
Hey, yo. HEY-
- Is that your car? - Yeah.
What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?
No, try, like, seven.
- What about you? - Biodiesel, dawg.
Smells like egg rolls.
Yeah, it does. Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.
But we try to ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and whatnot.
Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.
You don't care about the environment? That's kind of fucked up, man.
Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?
I'm trying to study. Thanks.
Look at him. He's trying.
He's actually trying. What a nerd.
Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.
- Look at him. Look at the nerd. - Who you calling a nerd, man?
I'm sorry. What...
- Shit! - Shit, dude.
Are you okay, man'? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?
Well, turn that gay-ass music off.
- You punched me because I'm gay? - What?
No. Come on.
That's not cool, man.
That is really insensitive.
I didn't punch him because he's gay.
I punched him, and then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.
- I was gay when you punched me! - In a weird way,
it might have been homophobic not to punch you
-just because you were gay. - Right.
You punched a little gay black kid in the face,
and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...
Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?
A kid died the other day from drugs,
and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.
That's weird, guys.
And then you two show up, with 30 days left,
causing trouble in my school.
I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face
away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?
You guys cross my line again,
and you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you. You got me?
All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?
Let's do that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
Which one of you is named Doug?
- No, dude, I'm Brad. - Okay, good.
So that means your name is Doug, son.
- Yeah, I'm Doug. - Great.
Here are your class schedules.
Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.
I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
Thank you.
Now we have the wrong identities, you dumb-ass.
I'm in drama. I suck at drama. It's girly and embarrassing.
Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?
I can fake my way through band practice and app chemistry for a few weeks.
AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't,
because you don't even know what it's actually fucking called!
It's going to be fine. You go to my classes, and I'm going to go to yours.
Okay, now, chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?
Fuck.
So, we are going to hold auditions for the Peter Pan part today.
Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.
When I was a young actorjust starting out in New York state,
Albany, to be exact,
- I booked a local television commercial... - Hey.
...In which I had to play a young man...
It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.
So are you saying if he wasn't talented, it would be less sad?
No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
I was just busting your balls.
Okay. Good.
I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,
and we were having so much fun.
And then I realized that she was dead.
I remember one summer...
Do kids still do this stuff?
Even after what happened to him?
Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.
Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it's not my thing.
It's not really my thing, either,
but a buddy of mine really wants it.
Who would he call if he wanted it?
Well, you can tell your friend
that if he really wanted it,
it's not so hard to find.
When to take it. He shouldn't have been taking it at all.
Drugs are bad.
But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Notice the distinction. I said "professional actor."
New person. Mr. Texty Texty.
Since you have so much to say to Molly,
let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.
You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.
I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something
Doug, you never won't know
what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.
My point is,
you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.
Yeah, sure.
My favorite molecule is water.
I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter
Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm.
It allowed life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash our cars.
H2O.
H2O. H2O.
- H20 - It's okay. Thank you.
Thank you, Zack. So good.
All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?
Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.
A what?
I'm sorry.
What is your name? Brad?
- Brad. Yes, ma'am. - Wow. Look at you,
Brad. Big.
What is a pop Quiznos?
It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.
- Today's quiz is on... - You look really old.
- Were you held back or something or... - No. You look super young.
Were you held forward?
I went to school in France, so
And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there. It's so lame.
French, the language of love.
That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.
Hey.
Good luck.
I've gotta crow
I'm just the cleverest...
Okay.
Maybe try one cooler.
And faster.
And louder. And better.
And less insecure and more just cool.
Okay, yeah, those are great notes.
I'm going to run outside,
and I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.
It's such bullshit.
Wow. You're fast.
Not like that. Just, let me check you out.
Let me check out your chest.
Check out your test... Let me...
Let me grade your quiz.
Can I go take a dump?
Yeah, okay. That's cool.
We have this "hurry back" rule,
so if you're not back in six minutes, I have to send you to the principal.
Rules are rules, so,
I guess this will have to be a quickie.
- Which way is yearbook? - I don't know.
- Is it this way? - I don't know!
- Yo. - Hey.
YOU guys, huh?
That was a total mix-up, what happened earlier.
- Yeah. - He feels awful. He feels...
Totally, very nervous.
You're the dealer?
- You're the dealer guy? - Is that you?
Yep.
So do you make the stuff or...
Do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.
- Yeah, he just sells it. Come on - Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
- I meant I just... - How many you guys want?
20 bucks a pop.
One each? One pop each of drugs.
You guys aren't narcs, are you?
Whoa!
- Dude, come on. - No! Maybe you're a narc.
You know who calls people narcs?
Narcs, narc.
First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself,
because if you call us narcs,
if narcs call people narcs, and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...
-'Cause you just said that. - They call people...
Look, I don't have time for this shit. You guys want to do this or not?
- Jesus. - Yes.
- Yes, yes. - No problem.
All right, take it here so I know you're cool.
I'm sorry. What?
- We were going to take it home. - I gotta go back to class,
-is the only thing. - I was thinking that I was going to go home,
maybe turn down the lights,
getting snuggy, get a little weird.
I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.
Okay, I'm not asking. Take it now or get the fuck out.
I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.
Yeah?
Yeah, no, it's all good.
- I love doing drugs at school. - I'll just take the drugs right here,
in our mouths.
There you go. That's it.
What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?
Have fun.
- You got to pull the trigger! - Okay.
You got to pull the trigger!
- We got to throw up, man. - I can't.
We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died. We got to throw up.
Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.
- You fucking think of something. - Okay, all right, all right.
Your grandma's vagina, and there's a dick going into it.
- What the fuck are you saying? - I don't know! I'm just trying!
- I'm trying my best! I'm just trying! - Fuck! Come on, man!
Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.
- No! - Yeah.
No, you're not fingering my mouth.
- Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? - Okay, fine!
Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!
What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot?
- Just stick it in! - I don't know. I've never done this before!
Just stick it in! Go!
Cut your fucking fingernails!
Oh, God!
Is it me?
I'm sorry.
I just can't sometimes.
Think we're going to be fine. I don't feel anything.
Me, neither.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got a pass for running around the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?
Pass, in your hand.
Hello.
Damn. You guys are late.
Now I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office.
- No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry. - Come on, please.
You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man.
When'd you go through puberty? Like, at seven or something?
You look like you're in your mid-20s, for crying out loud.
McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.
I read your file.
You got a lot of something special going on there, young man.
What the hell was that? God damn it, son!
Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?
I consider that a threat.
I was just saying that I'm Doug.
I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.
That's Brad.
You're the new kid who's All County in track?
Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,
the track star, and this is Brad, the science prodigy.
He's really fast.
Is this funny to you guys?
So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.
You're Doug. You're Doug.
Here's the deal.
My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.
I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off
at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,
so I need you.
I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Understand?
I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.
You do that, and I'll sign this pass.
Don't blow on me, son.
I haven't trained.
Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.
Do we have a deal?
Yes.
Nice.
I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.
Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it
What are you doing? Stop it.
Actually, that's not bad.
All right, here you go.
Are you guys on drugs?
Okay.
One particle of Unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.
Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider.
Fuck you, science!
All right, all right, we're good.
We're good. We're good, man. We're good.
We're good, baby.
Good work. Hit that shit.
I've gotta crow
I'm just the cleverest fellow
'Twas ever my fortune to know
I taught a trick to my shadow
To stick to the tip of my toe
I've gotta crow
I've gotta
Crow!
Christoph, did you feel that?
Who are you?
Welcome aboard, Peter.
No, keep it going!
Keep it going. That was so tight!
No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.
All right, let's go, McQuaid!
All right! Yeah!
I like it! I like the confidence, son!
I know y'all seen this shit before.
I know you've seen this shit before.
Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.
You're looking amped!
Here we go.
Here we go! Here we go!
Hey, pick it up!
Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?
What are you doing? Pick it...
What? McQuaid!
Don't throw the baton, you jackass!
Come on!
McQuaid!
Run that way!
Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!
Let's go! Come on!
Oh, my God.
No, no.
No, stop.
Come here. Come here.
Don't make a...
That is a baton penis.
Speak of the devil!
Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.
Organized sports are so fascist. It makes me sick.
That's just what I do.
Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?
I don't get this school.
That was awesome.
Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.
It's awesome. You're really going to like it.
All yarn work was done by Jenko.
Okay, Captain, look, the dealers are the popular kids,
but they're not normal popular.
They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone
that they're cool, and they're not cool.
It's backwards and unnatural, and it's got to be stopped.
Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.
Sick chicks, killer steeze.
Did the AIDS run this year.
He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,
and he totally gets me.
Who put this together'? Are you autistic?
It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,
-the yarn actually indicates... - We're compiling a list
of suspicious types at school. The users are here.
This kid was actually talking to a tree this morning.
Cut the bullshit!
I want to know who's the supplier.
We don't know. That's why there's a question mark on his face.
That's not the way his face looks. That's just a question mark.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Simple.
Sounds like you guys really cracked the whole case.
Great job. You guys are on fire
- So proud. - Like you could do any better?
We just brought down a group of wannabe thugs
stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.
- What? - Meanwhile, you two were standing around
finger-popping each other's assholes.
We're not finger-popping each other's assholes.
What we're doing is getting shit done.
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech
drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.
- Password! - Open the door!
- You have to say the password. - I'm sorry. What?
What are you...
Geez.
What are y'all doing? How'd you get a key in here?
Ms. Griggs gave us one so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
Bakugan? You dealing drugs?
- Let me see. You dealing drugs? - No.
It's just a card game. It's, like, a hybrid card game.
- See? They open up. - Battle Brawlers.
- You're not doing anything illegal? - No.
- What are you doing in here? - I'm here to study.
Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...
You're behind. I'm ahead.
- I know everything. - Really'?
What's a covalent bond?
Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.
I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry
I just... I don't think you know everything.
I know everything.
Okay.
What kind of bullshit do they say about a covalent bond in this school?
They say it's when two atoms share both their electrons.
It helps them to stick together.
I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.
What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
I crack and jailbreak kids' phones to try and save for college.
You know, I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.
Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?
No, no, I can't install a spyvvare to remotely monitor calls
or anything that the mic picks up.
- I can't do that at all. - Wait, you can't do it?
No, I can't.
- Is he being sarcastic? - I don't know.
So you can.
Liking comic books is popular.
Environmental awareness, being tolerant.
If I was just born 10 years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.
I know. It's bullshit.
You know what?
I totally know the cause.
Glee. Fuck you, Glee.
Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.
I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.
We just have to do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
You saying we should throw a party?
I'll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric,
and that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.
Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids' group?
I think it would be better if you get in
with the nerdy kids and see what's going on over there.
That'd be the best thing for the case.
Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.
- Hello? - Hey. Is this Molly?
Speaking.
Hey. It's Schmidt.
It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.
Hey, man.
It's so weird that you're calling me.
I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.
I was just calling 'cause we're costarring in this play together,
-and. . . - Hello ?
Mom, get off the phone!
Sorry, Do!-IQ,
-my teen son. - Mom!
I love you, honey, Dougie, Doug, Douglas McQuaid.
Mom, so serious right now! Stop!
I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.
She just, like, smothers me with affection and makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.
Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.
There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.
The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.
I didn't, though, just to be clear.
Yeah, because you already had one.
Exactly. I already had one.
And you don't need two vaginae. You just don't.
Although you could use one as a coin purse.
I never got any stuffed animals growing up.
Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.
My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.
I'm just fucking with you.
That is a weird joke.
I thought your dad abandoned your family.
No, he did walk out on us, though.
But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.
Just broken dreams.
Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say
well,
that there are some good guys out there,
and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience
taint your memory.
Oh, my God.
Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.
No, it's just, you know, I don't like when guys are mean to girls.
Yeah. Well, thanks.
Normal transition here.
Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!
You and Eric and Juario, whatever.
Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?
Okay. Yeah, yeah!
I should call you back.
Well, all right, I'll see you at school. You're a great person.
-5ye-bye. B ye_ - Bye.
What the fuck are you...
Are y'all throwing a party?
- What? - There's rumors in the Twittersphere.
And if any of my officers
are caught giving alcohol to minors,
they'll find theyself in prison
with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth
and me shitting down that snorkel.
That's extremely vivid. Thank you.
You're the best. You are the best.
- Oh, my God. - We love you.
- Enjoy the vineyard. - You boys be good, now.
Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.
Bye!
"We love you"? What are you doing'? Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?
- I'm in character. Shut up. - It's weird.
Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.
Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?
Dude, I don't have a fake ID.
How are we going to get drugs for the party?
Oh, no.
We got a pound of coke.
We're trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Pound of marijuana?
- Best party ever. - Boo-yah!
To a brilliant idea
from my brilliant brother
that I love so very much.
And this is going to fucking rock.
- Cheers, man. - Cheers.
- Who invited you guys? - I did!
The party's here!
- What's up, Zack? - Hey, buddy.
What's up, Roman?
This is crazy. This is, like, the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.
Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.
Do we have enough chips?
Is this playlist too dance-y?
- Feels too dance-y. - Too dance-y?
- What are you talking about? - I don't know, it just feels dance-y.
What are you doing?
- That's my mom's Kokopelli vase. - I got it, I got it.
Doug, Doug, hey!
Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.
Such a bad joke.
Terrible, terrible.
- You guys know each other, right? - Yeah.
Get ready, get ready, there's Eric. Wait for the signal.
And then you come in here looking like a rock-solid 10.
What?
What's up, man, how you doing?
Eco Suave.
Whoa.
Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.
Very Native American.
Yeah, our parents are actually
-really into Native American... - Let's rock and roll.
- Sorry. - What are y'all doing?
- Come on. - Did you guys even see Eric?
Seriously, did you not see Eric?
No offense, man, but your brother sucks.
Yo, this is butt. There's, like, no hot dudes here.
- Man, let's bounce. - We're out of here, man.
No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here you just got here.
Come on, let me at least give you a tour.
Okay, boys, come on, we did it, we can do this, just go,
just go as fast as you possibly can.
Taking out the SIM card.
Taking down Eric with the SIM card information
Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.
- Are you drunk? - No.
Have you even been drunk before?
- No, but... - Give me this.
- What? - Can we get some bitches up in here?
'Cause it's just boys right now.
No, you can't get any bitches up here.
This is my parents' bedroom.
- What the fuck, bro? Some privacy! - Shit, shit, shit!
And that is a really gross three-way.
But what was the girl in the back doing?
Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.
Cool, yeah.
Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,
but we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?
Dude, tell me about it.
Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.
It's extracting right now.
Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?
Read this. "Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."
Shit! It's a bust.
- Keep it casual. - Yeah.
- Go with the flow, dude. - Cool, man.
- I don't like to make plans or whatever. - You got it.
- Thank you again, though, man. - All right.
Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?
Hey, why you here, Scott?
What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?
No, I heard you guys were partying with some new stuff.
Wanted to know your hookup so me and my boys can get in on it.
Got other commitments on that front, so, you know...
I wasn't asking.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take five, take five, man, let me get this. I got this.
- Yeah? You sure? - I got this one.
Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.
- Don't worry about who I am. - I'm worried about it.
- Why? -'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.
This is my temple, this is where I come to find peace, dawg,
and you're coming in here like an emotional bull in a china shop,
metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew,
and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what, Scott?"
- It's that kind of party? - Yeah, dude.
Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?
- No, it's getting real. - It's getting very real.
Yeah. It's like seven strangers living in one house. True story.
- You want Real World? - Yeah, let's do it, man.
- Come on. What's your Real... - Here's Real World.
What was that? Did you hear that?
Real enough for you?
Schmidt. Doug.
- What do I do? - Hit him!
Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!
Fight normal.
Yo, I'm serious.
Sorry.
- I'll fucking kill you! - I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!
Seriously, use your words, use your words!
I kicked him in the nuts.
Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!
No, watch my mom's shit, man!
- I'm gonna fucking kill you! - You'll knock over my mom's vase!
- Fuck your mom's vase! - Fuck this!
Oh, shit!
Yeah!
That's my brother!
- That was insane! - You're so cool!
Did you see that shit? That was crazy.
Oh, shit.
When did I get stabbed?
That's awesome.
Yeah!
Is that a cop?
Where?
No, it's not. Here.
I'm so glad we're going back to get my phone.
I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.
Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.
It's like we're living with a narc.
The boy is an angel.
Pull it out!
Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!
Sorry!
Okay, let's take some shots.
Shots, shots!
That's like us fucking Mother Earth without a condom.
What the fuck is going on?
Annie, hang on.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!
I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!
The mom is coming!
- Listen to me! - Chill out! Chill out!
- Let go of me! - You're embarrassing me
-in front of my friends! - Get back here, you shit!
Dude, that was so crazy, man.
I swear, best party I've been to in years.
Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,
-like, all the time, man. - I bet you are.
Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!
You, dude, I like you, man.
How do you feel about making a little extra money?
Whatever it is, I'm in.
All right, here's the deal.
Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like.
Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,
I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?
- Cool with me. - My man.
That is my man...
That was nuts. I lost you guys.
Hey, thank you again for the party, man.
Yo, yo.
Come on!
"I love dick"?
You think that's funny?
"Wonder Years douche"?
What kind of a sick animal draws
an ejaculating penis into an 8-year-old's mouth?
It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
You think I don't know that's a dick and balls?
I know all about dick and balls!
I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober,
when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
You know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.
You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it,
you're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn...
Dude, I have a surprise for you.
Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone
and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it,
so we're gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.
Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.
What?
- What if you had gotten found out? - But it worked.
This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled,
so, I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?
I'm not getting mad at you. I'm glad you have something to do.
Good.
What's up?
Great job, Schmidt
- Password! - Kneel before Zod!
You may enter.
Thank you, Zod.
Let's tap that wire, huh?
We were just about to go outside with a bunch of chemicals.
We were going to test what blows up.
There's no reason the wiretap is super urgent, right'?
Not that I can think of that would make sense.
Go for it, go for it.
- Look out. - Go, go, go!
Yes!
Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
That's what I'm talking about!
I love this science shit!
This is what you guys do all day? Let's do it again.
Are you texting Molly?
What?
I don't... Molly...
Maybe. Is that...
Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.
I'm not some, like, '50s letterman who pins a girl.
I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.
I just, like... I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?
Ja feel, ja definitely feel.
- Yeah. - Schmidty?
Schmidty.
Phyllis.
- I'll be right back, dude. - Okay.
Hey. How are you?
- How is my favorite police officer? - Okay.
Your mother told me that you are undercover.
Listen, now is not a really good time.
Are you undercover right now?
Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.
Are those the bad guys over there?
Do they have guns? Oh, my God. Oh, God, this is so exciting.
I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.
I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.
- Where is my phone? - Okay, okay.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Shut your fucking mouth, you understand me?
Let's go check this out.
I will straight-up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.
- There is no... - A straight-up face punch.
I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.
- Hey, yo. - That is...
Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!
- What? You tried to grab his... - She tried to grab myjunk.
She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,
"it hurts my hand, I need to grab a handful of that dick."
I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"
She said, "I need to grab a handful of that dick"?
And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second,
so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.
All right, cool, let's get the...
So your parents are just cool with having people over whenever?
Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.
Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.
You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you.
Right?
- This place is awesome. - Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going?
Wow, that's a bigger hug than I was expecting.
Sorry. I'm happy to see you.
Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
- H6Y- - HeY-
Good?
- All right, come on. - Yeah, let's...
I brought tacos, so that's cool.
Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert
Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!
Hey, boys, this eco-pussy is going down today.
Take down eco-pussy
Take down eco-pussy!
Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying
And when it rains
It means that beautiful bitch is crying
- It's really not a planet. - It's for sure a planet.
Pluto is a planet.
- It's ready! - It used to be a planet.
- It's ready. - Not any more.
Reduce, reuse
Recycle
I'm embarrassed.
- I always feel exposed after playing. - Do not feel exposed.
I got to use the bathroom.
- Is it in there? - Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.
All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.
The mic is live and we can hear how the other half lives.
What are you doing?
I heard something.
Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.
Okay.
I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful
with whatever it is that you're getting involved in.
Yeah, I promise we will.
It would just suck if something bad happened,
because you're a good guy.
Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,
except girl version.
You're a girl.
- I am. - Yeah.
That's why I put this dress on,
-to remind you. - Exactly.
- Are you excited about the play? - Yes.
Yeah, you were just
-right in there with excitement. - Yes.
- No hesitash. - I'm very excited.
Yeah.
Does that make me a super nerd?
No, not at all.
We get to act together:
What a vagina. He has no chance with her.
So...
- Shit. - Sorry.
You're on the prom committee.
Do you think it's going to be fun?
Did shejust bring up prom on her own?
- She did, she just brought up prom. - What is she doing?
I think it's going to be awesome.
- Prom eats a dong. - Multiple dongs.
All right, anyone who says
they don't care about prom actually secretly does.
Who we gonna take to the prom? No one's going to prom with us.
Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.
You got fine-ass honeys with you.
You're dressed to the nines with your best buds.
Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Doves. Why doves?
'Cause doves make you look like a badass, that's why.
I am pretty skeptical,
but maybe, if someone fun asked me, I would go.
Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...
Wouldn't you and Eric go together?
Not that I know of.
Would you...
He's going to choke.
He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.
So would...
Would you...
Mayb...
- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.
That is the actual sound of choking.
I was wondering if you...
Would you
maybe want to go
with me to prom?
Would you want to go to me... Maybe with me to prom?
Yes.
I would love to go to prom with you.
What? She just said yes!
- Whoa. - Wow.
Good for you, Doug.
Thank you for asking.
Put her there, man.
Just put... Put it right there.
I'm putting it right there.
Yeah. There you guys are.
What's up, my man?
- Hi. - How you doing?
- Whazzup? - Yeah.
Doug... Okay, settle an argument.
You and your brother aren't related, right?
'Cause you look totally different.
He's adopted.
We all suspect from a very lame family.
Where is he tonight?
Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. I don't know.
You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rain Man?
That's like my life, except Brad is really shitty at math.
Your brother's kind of a dick.
Well, yeah.
He kind of is, isn't he?
Don't listen to that.
I don't give a fuck.
Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.
How are you? Guess what, I don't care.
We just closed our third high school operation.
And check what we found at Kennedy.
Looks like we're going to have to do your job for you.
Your drugs is spreading to different schools now, sucker.
You failed to stop the outbreak, and you have no leads!
We are running out of time!
You either find the supplier,
or I'm gonna jump your asses off Jump Street!
I totally understand where you're coming from, sir,
but, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday
with somebody that sounded very suspect
about meeting up with a stuffed pifiata.
Is that a code for sex?
- Pifiata? Really? - Yep.
Remember that wiretap I put on Eric's phone?
While you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening.
I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a pifiata.
That's all you heard?
Yep.
I am so nervous.
We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.
I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.
Serious question, though.
How do I look?
Ravishing.
Is it too sexy of an outfit?
Bend the knee a little bit.
Yep, it is.
It's going to be so much easier having you onstage with me.
I am so happy that I met you.
You're, like, the only guy that I can really trust.
Yep. That's me.
Doug.
Potassium nitrate.
Don't hate. It's great.
It can act as an oxidizer.
I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.
It has a crystalline structure.
If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher.
It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.
K-NO-three, don't give no grief.
It can be used to make corned beef.
It's also known as saltpeter.
- Brad? - Shit.
Where are you going?
I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.
- Right. - Doug! Hi.
Brad!
Whoa. What are you wearing?
Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.
I need to borrow you.
Now's not a good time, Brad.
It's a really good time.
'Cause my pifiata is killing me.
Is that code for a sex thing?
It's leaving the parking lot.
Pifiata?
Molly.
I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something, okay?
I just need to help Brad with something real quick.
- What? No. What? - I promise you...
Do you understand how soon the show is starting?
I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.
- I swear. I swear to you. - Tell me you understand how soon...
What? Are you kidding me?
What did I say? What did I say?
See? Whose wiretap is working for him now, huh?
Shit.
Fuck!
You told me not to worry about the tickets!
I thought they made us look cool.
- Cones, cones... - Driver's ed car.
- I'm driving. - No, you're not.
- I never get to drive. I'm driving this time. - Fine! Drive!
- Hey, guys. - Just borrowing this for one sec.
- Sure. - Go. Go, go, go, go.
Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.
Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?
- Holy fucking shit. - No fucking way.
Those are the guys from the park.
That's just too crazy.
What do you think's in that thing?
I don't know, money, drugs.
They could be a new buyer, or they could be the supplier.
If it's good, you'll hear from me.
If it's not good, you'll hear from me about telling you how it's not good.
Makes sense.
- Get the fuck out of here. - Yeah, no worries, man.
I'll see you guys.
We definitely got to follow them and find out, though.
- Get down! Get down! - Get down! Get down!
- What are you doing? - If they see us,
just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
- What? No! - Yes. Stop.
You pretend like you're sucking my dick.
No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Why am I automatically blowing you?
'Cause you're in a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Okay.
Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.
- Go, go, go. - Okay, fine, we'll follow them.
But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.
Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?
Yeah, you're following too close, dude.
- They're going to make us. - Well, if I go too far back,
it's going to look even more suspicious, so just stop.
God, just let me do my thing.
I know what I'm doing.
Seriously, if you do that again, I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.
Just stay back.
- I could not be more serious. - Take your foot off the brake.
- No. I'm not... No. - Take your foot off the brake!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Look what you did! - Look what you did!
What the fuck? You non-driving motherfuckers!
Get the fuck out of the car!
- Oh, fuck. - Lock the door! Lock the door!
What do I do? Go away!
What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?
Get him out of that car!
- No, no! - It's fucking ZZ Top!
- No, no! No, no, no! - It's fucking ZZ Top!
Like an angry walrus!
- I stomp the car now! - Oh, my God!
- Stomp! Stomp! - Oh, shit.
- Okay. Okay. - Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Just let me drive! - Stop hitting me!
Dude, watch out!
Will you stop front-seat driving? Get your hands off the wheel!
Man, you just hit two people back there!
- You stop. I'm not... - Take your hands off. Shit!
- We're stuck in traffic! - Oh, shit.
- Shit, they're coming! They're coming! - What?
Oh, my God, dude.
What do we do?
What the... What the...
Oh, Shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit. - What's wrong with you? Run!
I can't! I'm wearing tights!
I got skinny jeans on! It's the same fucking thing!
They're going to make us, or kill us.
- Porsche! Porsche! - Police! Get out of the car, douche!
I'm on a call here, jackass.
That's right. Go to sleep, bitch. You just got head-butted, motherfucker!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Shit.
Check around for a gun or something, all right?
Where? Where? There's no glove compartment
in this shitty-ass car! There's golf balls and this.
- What am I supposed to do with this? - I don't know, man!
I've never been in a freeway chase before!
Watch out! It's going to explode! It's going to go!
- What happened? - I don't know.
- It just didn't explode. - That's weird.
Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?
French! You're not my first choice, but I need you to go on as Peter.
Oh, gosh. And I've been in character for months now.
Great. Nobody cares.
Come on! Another traffic jam?
I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report
-before we got in a car chase! - Let's go! Come on!
- Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go! - Shit!
- Are you texting? - No, I'm not texting!
- Yes, you are! You're texting! - No, I'm not!
Okay, almost done.
IILOL.ll
I'm driving!
Why do you always jump over the car like that?
Hi. Hi. How are you?
- Hi. - God damn, you are beautiful.
- Oh. Hi. - You are fine as shit.
Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.
- Wow. - Hurry. Just drive.
Wait. Pick me up?
- They're coming! They're coming! - I got an idea.
Why don't you text them and ask them to stop chasing us?
Oh, shit!
He's got a gun!
I'm going to throw this thing at him!
Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!
- Just throw it! - Okay! Okay, okay!
- It's going to explode! - Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!
- What the fuck is that going to do? - Roll it up!
- I don't fucking care! Just do it! - Oh, God!
I really thought that one was going to explode.
Oh, shit!
Look in the glove compartment for a gun.
What are you talking about? We're in a pink Bug!
I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!
What the hell?
- Shoot. - Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. - Take the shot!
Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!
Shit, shit, Shit, Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Shoot! Shoot! - Shit, shit...
That's what exploded? Holy shit. That was crazy.
Why did you shoot for me?
You weren't shooting, you were choking,
-so I had to save us. - I was going to shoot.
- You always do this, every single time. - What?
Seriously, just take me back to school, man.
If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out and she's not going to go to prom with me.
- Are you fucking serious right now? - Fuck, yes, I'm serious!
Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.
- I'm selfish? - Yes, you're selfish!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look at yourself!
You're in too deep, man.
Yesterday, I found a college application on your desk!
I don't know how long this case is going to last.
And Eric's going to get into Berkeley, and, honestly, I can get in, too.
Who knows? I could ride this thing out. I could be a doctor or something.
Have you lost your fucking mind?
You screwed this investigation all up.
At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
You are a very silly man indeed.
Boys, squaws, come quickly.
Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.
I know I missed the first few scenes.
I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels
-for ably backing me up. - Fuck you, Doug! What?
I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?
This is my twin. We're together in...
Get the fuck out of here.
What are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind?
What is this?
I don't know, but it's already more exciting.
You're embarrassing me.
It's okay. I'll make it up to you.
And... Let's fly!
- Such bullshit! - Get off of me!
I'm not dumb! I'm smart!
You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!
- Go, Doug! - I guess I should do something.
I should probably not just stand here watching.
I should take action.
Worst best friend ever!
M°IIY, I'm sorry!
I don't want to talk to you ever again.
I'm sorry.
You stupid idiot!
- Come here! - Come on!
Make fun of me behind my back and everybody laughs at me?
I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!
Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Hey, guys, no!
I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!
Principal Dadier sucks dick!
You're supposed to be my friend!
Stop! Stop it. You're expelled. Both of you are expelled.
And that's the end of Act Two.
Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?
Nope.
I'm gonna just fire you.
Moving out?
Yep.
You know what's crazy to me
is that I think that I actually thought that we were brothers.
I would've tooken a bullet for you.
Get in now. Both of you.
Why should I?
Just get in the car, man.
Get in the fucking car.
Nope, not until you ask nicely.
Please get in the car.
Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.
Some messed up shit went down yesterday.
Yeah, after we made the exchange,
our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops.
That's insane, man.
Are you serious?
Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!
You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?
It rhymes with "grape"!
It rhymes with "grape."
I can't let that happen.
So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.
- Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. - Whoa. Come on. Whoa.
Springfield .45s, police issue. Very powerful guns.
You ever use one?
- We're not really gun people, man. No. - No?
A lot of things have made me wonder about you.
Come on.
Your taste in music
The fact that you look like a fucking 40-year-old man.
Then after that shit at the play, I realized
there's no way you guys could be cops.
Yeah, I got this deal going down. The supplier's going to be there.
I need people I can trust.
All right. All right, come on.
Okay, right over here, we're going to shoot these bottles.
- We're going to practice, okay? - Okay.
That was... That was actually really fuckin' awesome.
Beginner's luck.
All right.
The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.
All right, there's going to be all these heavies there,
but as long as you guys have my back...
Yeah? Yeah? Shit.
I always got your back.
Time to get our jobs back.
Let's get ready for prom.
Schmidty! Chore time!
Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!
If you stay in this house, you have time for chores!
Mom!
Fuck this thing.
Here.
It'll be quicker if I help.
There you go.
Thanks.
Your shotgun's hanging too low.
They're gonna see it.
Thanks.
Jenko...
Will you go to prom with me?
I guess.
Are we really going to take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?
I got some contacts that'll help us.
Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.
What if the principal sees you?
- This is wrong, yet so right. - What?
I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.
You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.
Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.
- Stay! Stay. - Stop.
- What? - Stay.
- Go! "Okay
- Stay. - Stop. Stop-
- I'm lost without you. - What?
Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.
You are so hot!
All right.
Hey, pumpkin head.
I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.
- Are you on that shit? - So what if I am?
Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down,
and I don't want you to get hurt.
I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.
You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to get out of here right now.
Making a lot of hand gestures!
Okay, my name's not Doug.
- It's Schmidt. - What?
- And I'm a cop. - What?
Okay, and I care about you, and I don't want you to get busted,
so you have to leave right now.
Leave the prom right now, Molly.
- I'm serious. - Hey. Hey.
Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.
- What are you? - Come on. Hey, come on.
- Supplier's waiting. - Is that Eric?
- Molly, leave right now. - What are you...
- Just leave right now! - What is this?
Mr. Walters?
Hey!
Beautiful Brad, and his brother.
Wow. You look great.
You're the supplier? You're a teacher.
And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.
Could barely pay my alimony. What are you gonna do?
Oh, yeah.
You boys are so good at this.
Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!
Oh, my God, we're getting such good evidence.
I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap
from the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets,
and it was muy deliciosol
Then one day I catch Eco Butt-munch over here
smoking a J.J. behind the field house,
and I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"
What a green penis that guy is, huh?
There's my quesadilla.
I hurt my hands!
Bitch.
Oh, shit.
You guys look crazy scary.
How many of you are there?
A lot.
Karl.
Patch looks pimp, man.
Thank you.
He's gonna recognize us, man.
I'm freaking out.
This is Walters, he made the stuff.
- Real pleasure to meet you. - Fuck what his name is.
Your shit's good.
Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
What, you having a party now?
Who are these two motherfuckers?
Fuck!
- Hey. - Hey. How's it going?
Nah, nah, it's cool, man, they're my boys, so...
- Are they? - Yeah.
I don't like strangers.
How do you ever expect to make any new friends with that attitude?
It's, like, everyone's a stranger till you give them a chance, man.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I don't even...
Just fuckin' around.
Do your thing, man. Proceed
Hey, kid, come here.
You, you look familiar.
- Me? - Yeah.
I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid,
so people are like, you know, often say, "Oh, I think I know you,"
but I don't think we've ever met before.
Do I look like I eat French fries?
I don't know, you look like you're in great shape,
but maybe you have, like, one cheat day, like a carb blowout, you know'? I don't know.
Nah.
Yeah, the theme song was, like...
Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium
Where friendship and French fries
Go hand in hand
That's my quesadilla!
Who wants a piece? Huh?
I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!
You lied to me!
I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!
Hey, you guys, shejust called me a stupid fucking cock. That's rude.
Dickhead narc motherfucker!
Did shejust say "nickhead dark motherfucker"?
That's just racist.
I know these two.
Your boys are cops! They're cops!
Police! Get on the ground!
You get on the fuckin' ground!
- We asked you first! - I don't give a damn!
You're fucking cops?
But we partied together, man.
You bought us Taco Bell.
Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
You made me this friendship bracelet.
Well, he's not really your friend. He was pretending the whole time.
I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?
What the fuck is going on?
Shut this kid up!
- Him, too. - No, no! Hey, wait!
No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!
I didn't know these guys were cops!
I'm getting out of here.
I fucking hate you!
Get that out of my face!
- Molly! - Oh, there you are!
What the fuck!
Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!
Trying to take a hostage, some goddamn TV show shit?
I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right? I've never done this shit before.
Well, you're fucking up.
- Drop the guns or she's dead! - She looks dead already.
What? No.
Jesus.
Yeah, I can hear her breathing.
She just passed out from the drugs. We're good.
Drop the guns or...
All right, all right, just chill out.
We're gonna drop our guns.
You got to let the kids go, and no one's gonna die, okay?
Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.
D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.
Oh, come on, that's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith.
You're a liar, and you're mean!
- That's unfair. - We're all friends here.
Let's just relax, and we can all leave here as friends.
- Yeah, let's do that. - Y'all boys are stupid.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die.
God damn it!
Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!
What the fuck?
- Now! - Fuck!
Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!
Put them down.
Nice! Yes!
Shut the fuck up!
You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.
We had no idea.
You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
What?
You little turds.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?
Do you see this nose?
That is a fake nose.
Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head
for, like, months on end'? Glue and shit?
Worse things in the world.
We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.
Hey, actually, I just said that
-to mess with you. - What?
Looks tough.
Look, we know what it's like being undercover.
Metro Police, Jump Street Division.
Come on, you guys are Jump Street?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
- What? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, dude!
Get them!
Motherfucker!
Shoot them!
Fuck that.
That was a gun.
Somebody definitely got shot.
All right.
Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.
Did I hit anything?
You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.
Doug.
I know sometimes I was a jerk to you
when we were undercover.
It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.
All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,
was just so
that people would think I'm cool.
The only approval
that I ever needed
was my best friend.
Thanks, man.
The money's gone!
Come on, let's roll.
We gotta get out of here, man.
Are you telling me it's on?
- Let's do this. - Let's make a baby.
- What? What are you talking about? - I don't know.
I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.
That was crazy! You killed a guy!
Oh, fuckin' shit!
Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!
Go, go: go'
Where'd they go?
Molly!
Shit!
- You want to drive? - Yeah, I do, actually
Okay, cool.
- Nice! - Did it look cool when I did it?
- That's what I'm talking about! - Yeah!
How you guys doing back there, huh?
God, I love high school!
Best prom night ever!
- Shoot them! - Stay on them!
I'm on them! I'm on them!
Oh, good, you guys, come hang out with me back here.
- Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing? - Did she pass out back there?
Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?
Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!
All right, one second!
Just shoot someone, you bitch!
Peek-a-boo!
Give me my money!
Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!
I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!
I'm gonna get the party started!
- I'm gonna get the party started! - No! No! Lisa, no!
Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!
What?
- You're killing my dream! - Come in.
- What? I'm trying to party. - Down!
Bitch!
What? Fuck!
I'll kill you!
Kill you!
- No! No! - Stay where you are.
Go! Go, go!
No! Stop!
I'm not fucking kidding! Look, I'm trying to shoot people!
Will you stop! Just for two seconds!
You're really hot and you're really slutty and it's awesome,
but I got to shoot people right now!
You think I'm hot?
Iwanna... Oh, my God!
Wait, guys! Call me!
Let me know where you're ending up later.
I'm almost out of ammo.
We're fucked.
Give me my money!
I got an idea.
- You still got those shotgun shells? - Yeah.
Pop Quiznos.
What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate?
That would be a covalent bond, brother.
That's when two atoms, they share electrons.
You see, they both need what the other one has.
That makes them stick together.
Are you saying we're covalent bonds?
What? No.
We're not atoms, dude.
- What's this? - Tequila?
I don't know, it was supposed to explode.
Oh, shit!
Where'd you learn how to do that, man?
App chemistry, bitch.
Come on, blondie.
Molly!
Drop your weapon!
Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.
Don't.
Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!
Come on! Get out here!
- What? What's going on? - All right.
All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.
Do you understand? Nobody move!
- All right. - Eric, help me.
Don't you have a gun?
All right, don't move!
- Come on, let's go. Let's go. - No!
- Hey! Hey, hey! - Hey, no, no, I said don't move!
- Oh, fuck, you shot him! - Oh, God!
Are you okay?
You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!
Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.
Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.
Didn't you hear me? I said don't move! I said that! You heard, right?
Eric, you heard me!
- I said don't move! - Eric, help me!
- You got this. - Hey, hold still.
Freeze!
Shoot!
Come on.
You peaked in high school, motherfucker.
Oh, shit.
I shot him in the dick.
You shot me in the dick!
Oh, my God!
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
You are under arrest!
- It definitely came out my asshole! - You have the right to remain silent!
Anything you say can and will be used against you
in a court of law!
You have the right to an attorney!
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you!
Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
Fuck you! Bitch!
Yes! Yes!
We did it, man!
We did it.
God, I feel so good.
We did it, man!
You're a goddamn rock star.
Do you feel that?
God damn, you're so cool.
You just shot him in the dick.
I've never seen that. Who does that?
Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.
I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.
You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,
and you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...
And I fuckin' cherish you.
Should we high-five?
My hand!
Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?
- Yeah, I think we need to call somebody. - Hey, call somebody!
I got to get my dick sewn back on.
- You shut the fuck up. - Hey, you shut up.
- That's not funny. - Is that it?
What?
That's my dick!
Pick up my dick! Please!
No, we're not picking up your dick.
Fuckin' pick my dick up!
Oh, fuck!
He's my friend.
They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.
Hey.
Molly...
I'm really sorry.
I know you wanted a guy to trust, and I wanted to be that person so badly.
And I let you down in a lot of ways.
And...
It's good that you're mad at me.
I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys,
because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.
And you should never settle for less than that.
There are good guys out there
who aren't assholes like me.
Thanks for saving my life,
asshole.
Put her there, partner.
I'll come back later.
We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life.
It's crazy.
- Number one or two? - Three.
- Sam Jackson one. Yeah! - Sam Jackson style.
Boom, motherfuckers! What's going on'? Come on!
Where is he? There's my guy!
There he is! That's him. That's him.
- Enough. - Too long on the hug.
Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherfuckers.
You got your first arrest, huh?
- Look. Got something made for you. - You didn't!
- Come on. All right, all right. - Enough. Enough.
New assignment.
Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,
smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans
with low self-esteem,
I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Oh, I love Disneyland!
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
"Yes! - No!
Boo-yah!
Oh, my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
Oh, fuck!
Hey, why are you here, Scott?
What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?
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